Chapters I open my eyes. I’m lying in my bed, as I do every morning. With a heavy sigh I pull myself into a sitting position. I wearily glance around my room, full of nothing but books, books, Spike's bed, and more books. Books I once loved and held close to my heart, now only bring a heavy feeling of dread. Just last night I was once again required to read a large number of books and submit a lengthy report to the princess. I got it done, of course, as is required of me. However, I felt something I never thought I'd feel: sorrow, sadness, an unending void in my heart as the pages grew heavy. Last night I cried. I cried myself to sleep for the first time since I can remember.
Now here I am, another day. Another day of being the perfect student, the go-to mare. I sigh again as I pull myself out of my bed. A slow walk quickly put me in front of my vanity mirror. I look into my eyes and I see a tired, yet cheerful young filly filled with so much life and joy. But I know it's false, a mask to hide myself from the world. I don't want others to know me deep down, the revelation would change their entire view of me. I don't want pity, I don't want ponies to look at me sadly, I don't want their help.
I levitate the various mane, tail, and coat brushes around my body and fix myself to a more proper appearance that's more acceptable to society. Heh, society, something I was spared from experiencing while I stayed in the towers of Canterlot Castle. I learned rather quickly that multiple ponies in a given area that happen to view things the same way form a society. Each society differs from place to place, but there is one constant: behavior different than the standards set by a society make the pony performing or behaving in such a way to become an outcast in some way. Spike's too young to notice the looks ponies give us, but I see them. They're the kind of looks that say "Look at her, finally out of the library" or "She's still here? I thought she went back to Canterlot" and "She doesn't belong here."
I tried to change their views, I really did. I partook in Winter Wrap Up and did my best to solve the towns various problems, even picnic with my friends, but nothing changes. I only have the friends I have now because of the trials we faced together during the brief time Nightmare Moon escaped, and that was only because they were suspicious of me in the first place. Since then I was able to see the wonders of friendship, but I was also able to see the disadvantages.
Before coming to Ponyville my workload of studies was massive. Every day I read over twenty five books on various subjects, learned numerous spells, and reported my findings to the princess in a professional manner. Now though, with time spent with friends, my workload has more than doubled. I'm doing everything I did in Canterlot plus spending time with my friends, learning from them, fixing their mostly petty problems, and generally being busy from the moment I get out of bed to three or four in the morning just to stay on time with my studies.
I shake my head; I've been staring at my reflection for the better part of ten minutes. I turn around and leave my room, my bed's a mess but I find myself unable to bring myself to make it properly. I reach the bottom of the stairs and find Spike sitting impatiently at the table.
"About time you get down here, I'm starving!" He exclaims as I clamber into my chair. In front of me is what I always eat for breakfast, a daisy salad sandwich. I can feel my taste buds die and my stomach threaten to reject the food.
"Sorry, Spike, I guess I'm just not that hungry." I say, thankfully my stomach remains silent, for I am very hungry, just not for that. "Go ahead and eat without me, I'll put this in the fridge for later." Yeah right, this is probably going to be forgotten in the back to rot until we clean the fridge next month.
"But Twilight, we always eat breakfast together!" Spike exclaims again, why does he have to be so loud in the morning? Or all the time, for that matter?
"Alright, I'll just have a small snack." I say as I return to the table with a carrot held in my magic. Why a carrot and not an apple? I'm getting sick of apples, just like the sandwich.
"A snack for breakfast? You never let me have snacks for breakfast!" he protests, typical.
I suppress a sigh, "This is a healthy snack, not the junk food and candy you always want. Now eat your gems so we can start our day."
Suddenly somepony gasps loudly from behind me, "You don't let him eat snacks for breakfast?!? That's horrible! I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't have any!!"
"Pinkie," I say as I face hoof, "what are you doing here this early in the morning?"
"Oh you know, this and that." I got the distinct feeling that there was an ulterior motive to Pinkie's presence, but memories of the last time I tried to figure out Pinkie made me cringe with shivers running up my spine. I decide to do what everypony does, ignore her.
"Anyway, what do we have today, Spike?"
"Let's see..." he trails off as he pulls a familiar list from behind him. It's probably from a pocket dimension accessible only by dragons. "We should be getting a new shipment of books in today!"
Great. Just great. More books to read through, categorize, then I would have to reorganize the entire library to make room for them, then I need to send another summary to the princess. The very thought is making me want to puke.
"Twilight," I turn to the voice and I see Pinkie staring intently into my eyes. "Are you okay?"
I freeze, the way and tone she asks, it sounded like she knew something was wrong. Should I tell her the truth? Will she believe me or will she laugh at me, thinking I'm being silly again? I don't know, I want to tell somepony but I can't! They don't know what's going on, they won't think it was possible for me to feel like this, like I have an empty void that's always been there but I just recently noticed. Luckily, Spike saves me.
"Course she's fine, she's just not as hungry as usual."
"Okie dokie!" Pinkie says with a smile, "Whelp, I need to start baking for the day, see ya later!" she calls as she leaves the library. I breathe a sigh of relief.
"I should probably head out to the post office and see if the books came in yet." Spike says as he placed his bowl in the sink.
"Okay, go on without me. I'm going to finish my carrot." I say as he waddles off.
I hear the door slam shut a second time, marking his departure. I look back to my carrot; I've taken three bites out of it. I bring it up to my mouth and take another bite. I suddenly don't want the carrot anymore, nor am I hungry. I felt empty again, empty and alone with nothing to hold onto. I lay my head on the table and just sit there for the longest time. Eventually the sound of the door opening jolts me into action. I jump out of the chair and put the carrot back in the fridge as Spike announces his return.
"Twilight! I'm back!" he yells. I close the fridge as I hear a loud thud of something heavy being set down. I walk into the main room to find Spike standing next to a larger than average box of books. "Sorry it took so long, this thing weighs a ton!"
I suppress another sigh, "It's okay, Spike. This is going to take me all day, so if you want you can have the day off." It wasn’t really a lie; normally this amount of books and the work required would easily take about fifteen hours. I also don’t want him to see me struggle with myself over them.
"Oh sweet! The crusaders said they had something planned that they needed my help with, so I'll see you tonight, okay?" he asks, as if he needed my permission to go out and play.
"Sure Spike, just try to stay out of too much trouble." As soon as the words left my mouth he was already out the door.
I turn to contemplate the large box of books. With a flick of magic the top opens and I begin to pull out each book. Forty seven books later I find myself in the center of a large circle of literature. I grabbed one at random and I set out to do my duty. I open the cover and begin to read. My mind instantly starts to wander and the book slips from my grasp. I shake my head and try again, but with less success. I can't keep my eyes on the pages, so I close that book and grab the one next to it. I run into the same obstacle. I sit for a moment and think, and then I realize that I really didn't want to read these books. I knew I didn't before but now it's like my body is outright rejecting them, much like it rejected the idea of eating.
I heard the sound of water pitter-pattering, I look out the window but it's not raining, yet the sound continues. I look down at the still open book in my arms and I see the pages wet with droplets of water. I sniff and wipe my eyes. My hoof comes back wet. Have I been crying? I don't feel like I'm crying, but the tears won't be denied.
I try to stop, I try to regain my composure but the tears try harder to escape. Soon I'm scrunching my face up in silent sobs, and I don't know why. Why can't I stop crying? Why are my beloved books making me feel like this? Maybe I just need to let it all out, just cry for a bit for the sake of crying.
I manage to compose myself enough to walk to the front of an old chest. I don’t feel like using my magic anymore, so I simply opened it with my hooves. I search inside for my Smarty Pants doll, the simple item that acted as my center that I always clung to when I was a filly. I move some random items aside to find the bare wood of the bottom of the box. Did I somehow miss it? I search again, hooves coming up empty.
It's gone. My Smarty Pants doll is gone. I feel my chest begin to tighten to painful levels as new tears stream from my eyes once more. Where could it have gone? Was it when I enchanted her? Was it lost in the ensuing chaos of my spell? How could I have forgotten about it for so long? Big Mac, he had it last, that much I remember, maybe he knows what happened to it? But how can I ask him about it without me sounding like a little filly? He would laugh at me, and then get the others to join in about how I want my raggedy doll back.
The realization that I will never see my beloved Smarty Pants doll ever again struck me to the core. I curl into a ball and sob loudly, I no longer care if anypony finds out. I no longer care about anything. I hate my studies, I hate the ponies in this town, I hate being dependable, I hate this uncontrollable sobbing, this feeling of hopelessness.
I cry for a long time, I cry until my tears won't come anymore, I cry until I couldn't cry anymore. So I lay here, sobbing dry sobs, thinking about everything in my life. As hard as I try, I can only remember the pain of the emptiness inside, the vast amount of pressure to succeed. Pressure from my teacher, my brother, my parents, and the university professors all silently judging me. I’m tired of it, of everything. I don't want to be the pony they expect me to be. I worked so hard all my life, for the sole purpose of continuing to work hard.
I've had enough of this place, the constant duty, the overbearing responsibility, all of it. I want it to end. I want the pain to go away. I want to go away. Far from here, far from this place, far from the princess I once looked up to. So far away. But where would I go? How would I get there? My friends and I followed Applejack to the end of Equestria when she said she wasn't coming back, what's to stop them from doing the same to me?
I could kill myself.
Where did that thought come from? I've never thought like that, I've never even heard of a pony try to do that to themselves. The thought scares me; the fact that I thought that scares me even more. I try to cry from fear, but all that comes out is a weak sob.
And so I lie here, curled into a ball in front of an empty chest with my old belongings scattered around me. I lie here thinking, it would be so easy. So easy to just get a little bit of rope. I could tie one end to the guard rail on the second floor, the other end in a loop, just far enough from the floor to prevent my hooves from touching the ground. Then I would be free. No longer would I feel this emptiness, this endless despair, this feeling of utter hopelessness. I would be free, truly free of everything.
But what about Spike? If anything, I need to make sure he has somepony to look after him. After a few more minutes, I decide on a plan of action. I get up and walk through the old junk I once called precious toys. I check myself in the mirror, I look like I just spent a week in Tartarus, nothing a bit of magic can't solve.
A burst of magic later I walk out of the library into the evening sun. I ignore the stares, the looks the other ponies threw at me. They never knew I noticed them. As quickly as possible I arrive at the local boutique and knock on the door. A moment later Rarity answers.
"Welcome to- Oh Twilight, what a pleasure to see you here. Did you need a dress designed? I hope you do, purple is going to be all the rave this year, I can feel it." She says excitedly.
"No thanks, Rarity. May I come in? I need to talk to you." I ask hesitantly.
"But of course darling, I always have time for my friends!" Rarity says as she holds the door open for me.
I walk inside and turn around as she closes the door, "I was thinking, would you be able to watch Spike if I were to be gone?" forever, I want to add.
"What do you mean, 'gone?' Are you planning on going somewhere?" she asks with eyes full of concern. Uh oh, I don't want her to worry.
"No but if I get called to Canterlot suddenly, do you think you could watch Spike?" saved it.
"Oh but of course, dearie, I will always look after my little Spikey-Wikey while you're away!"
"Okay, thanks Rarity. I need to get to Applejack's to pick up some stuff, so I'll see you later okay?" I say, then I lean forward to get one last, deep hug from my dear friend.
"Oh, such affection, is there something you're not telling me?" Rarity asks while she flutters her eyelashes at me with a sultry look. I can’t help but giggle.
"Oh Rarity." I say as I let go and make my way to the door. "I hope you never change." I mutter under my breath as I leave.
I close the door before she could say anymore and set off down the road to Applejack’s farm. On the way, I can’t help but take one last look around at my surroundings as I pass them by. Before I know it, I’m at the main barn, with Applejack stowing away her stall until the next market day. I sigh once more before trotting up to speak to her.
“Oh hey Twi, what brings ya ta this here farm?” she asks of me.
I rehearse the lines in my head before I speak, “Oh, you know, this and that.” Smooth, she’ll never know. “I-I mean, I came to borrow some things for an experiment.”
“Yer not after one of mah trees or plan on turning mah livelihood inta oranges, are ya?” Applejack asks me sternly. Okay, so I got a little excited about the entire apples to oranges thing.
“No AJ, I just need some strong rope for a … strength test! That’s it, a strength test to see how strong your rope is.”
“No! Ya aint breaken mah rope!” AJ nearly yells, almost as though her rope was her own kin.
“It won’t break AJ, it’s a simple spell the stretches their fibers and determines the amount of force it would require to break them. In fact, let me get three ropes of different ages, make them about six meters long and I’ll get them all tested so you don’t accidently break a rope.” I state as logically as I can. Of course, I’ll only be using one rope, but I need to keep up appearances.
“Well, when you put it like that, I suppose I could part with a few fer a bit.” She says as she turns to walk back into the barn.
“Jus wait right there and ah’ll get em lickity split.” She disappears into the barn for a few seconds before she comes back out with a few lengths of rope in various states of use. I grab them from her mouth and hold them above my head with my magic.
“Goodbye, AJ, thanks for everything.” I say and give her a long hug.
“Goodbye? Ah don’t know what yer talken about, but ah’ll see ya come tomorrow morning ta get mah rope back, yah hear?”
“I hear you, AJ.” I say as we broke apart and head our separate ways. I make my way through the east side of the orchard, coming out at Fluttershy’s cottage.
I’m taken aback by the sight; it looks like most of my friends are here. Fluttershy’s flying around from critter to critter while Rainbow, Pinkie, Spike, and the three crusaders are playing a game of some sort. Rainbow’s the first to notice me.
“Hey Twi, what are you doing way out here? Spike said you were going to be busy with a bunch of books or something. Oh! Did the new Daring Doo come out yet?!” Rainbow says, as energetic as always.
“Rainbow, you know as well as I do that they won’t hit shelves for another month and a half. And yes, I am quite busy, but I wanted to see you girls first.” I tell them all.
“‘See us first?’ What are you about to do?” Asks Pinkie Pie, once more staring at me intently.
“And what’s with the rope?” Spike asks. Luckily, I thought of a response ahead of time.
“I need to perform a strength test on some of AJ’s rope with a new spell I found, and reshelf the entire library, you know how crazy it is. I also wanted to get some of Fluttershy’s herbal tea to drink before I go.” I say as I look to Fluttershy expectantly. She took the queue and flutters back into her cottage, emerging a moment later with the bag of crushed herbs.
“Here you go Twilight, I hope you enjoy them.” She says.
“Thanks Fluttershy.” I say, and then I gathered them all up in my arms for a large hug, much to the displeasure of Scootaloo. “Bye girls…” I mutter, the tears threaten to return so I break away. I turn before they could see and wave at them over my shoulder as I trot back to the library with my tea and rope.
I make it back to the library without incident. I set the rope off to the side and take the tea into the kitchen. I put a tea kettle on the stove to boil and go up to my room. Soon I hear the whistling sound of the tea kettle, signaling the water is ready. I head back downstairs with a picture floating at my side. I take the tea off the heat and dump more than half of the leaves into a large cup, then pour the water in and mix the leaves up.
I move out into the main room, under the banister. I set the picture down in front of me as I begin to sip the tea. It was way too strong, but that’s okay. I want to taste as much of this lovely tea while I still can. I stare at the picture in front of me, it was one of the only ones I had of all of us. It was me, Spike on my back, Fluttershy and Rarity on my right with AJ and Dash on my left. Pinkie was in the center, laying down in some odd pose, while at the far ends were Princess Celestia and Luna. Behind me stood my dear brother, and next to him was my sister in law Cadence with my mom and dad on either side.
The tears start flowing again, some get into my tea, adding a bit of a salty flavor, but I don’t care. I’m too busy thinking about all the fun and crazy adventures we had together since the very start. As I near the end of memory lane, I start to feel the emptiness once again, the pit of despair. The tears come faster, almost desperate to leave my eyes. I cover my face with my hooves and sob uncontrollably for a time.
I finally gain the will to move again, my final movements, all in the effort to make the pain go away. I tie an end of AJ’s strongest rope to the banister above me, and slide a chair directly underneath. I hold the picture of my friends and family to my chest as I rear back on my hind legs. I delicately tie the other end of the rope around my neck, giving it a swift tug to make sure it won’t come undone. I take one last look at the photo, tears streaming down my muzzle, as I take that one last step forward.
The next thing I see is a pink blur burst into my house and somehow manage to untie the rope before my weight held it taunt. I hit the floor hard, knocking the wind from my lungs. I gasp for air as I find my footing, and look up to see a furious Pinkie Pie.
“What the BUCK are you thinking Twilight?! You’re lucky my Pinkie sense told me to come find you!” She yells. I can’t find the words, she had caught me in the act, there’s no way I’m going to be able to talk this down. Not that my body will let me in the first place. As I look at the furious mare, all I can think is that she saved my life. She saved me so I can continue to live a life of utter despair, and I hate her for it. I hate that she cared. Yet, all I could do was leap into her arms as the tears broke through the dam.
She held me as we sit here, her once poofy mane now lying flat against her as it soaked up my seemingly endless tears. Eventually, Pinkie broke the hug and held me at arm’s length.
“Twilight, I don’t know what caused you to come to this decision, and if you don’t want to tell me that’s okay. What I will do, is tell you a story, all you have to do is listen, okay?” she asks. I nod; I could use a good story to distract myself right about now.
“Okay, remember my cutie mark story?” she asks. I nod once again, sniffing back some of the tears. “Ever wonder why I never talk about my sisters? It’s because of what happened directly after the party. We all had work to do, so my parents and sisters left toward the east field as I was left with the cleanup.
“It took a while, but I eventually got the silo cleaned, then I headed out to join my family at the base of one of the larger rock piles. However, when I saw them I decided to yell out an excited greeting. They stopped to wave back, and that’s when we felt the tremors.
“Dashie’s Sonic Rainboom loosened the rocks, and my shout was the last straw to start a small avalanche. My parents acted on years of honed skills to escape the cascade of rocks, but my sister’s weren’t so lucky.
“They weren’t buried alive to be rescued, Twilight. The rocks, they tore my sisters to pieces as they bounced and slid. I know what you’re thinking, how can sifting through rocks to pick out the bits and pieces of my younger sisters not be the worst part of this story? Because it was my fault. My parents blamed me, I blamed me. My special talent got my sisters killed. Not a day went by where I thought through different scenarios. What if I never threw the party in the silo? Would I have joined my sisters in death or would we have noticed the unstable foundation and done things safely?
“For three months I couldn’t eat, sleep, or work. Everything reminded me of them. My parents still to this day blame me for the accident; in fact they chased me off the farm. I wandered the wilderness, starved and cold, and found my way to Ponyville. I was hungry, so I was searching though trash when I was found by the Cakes. They took me in, but it wasn’t enough. I wouldn’t speak and only ate what they gave me.
“Eventually I had enough of the pain, the sorrow, the guilt. So I decided to end my own life. I snuck downstairs one night and got into the kitchen. I grabbed a large knife and tried to cut my throat open. Fortunately, the knife was a dull cake knife that barely pierced the skin. The Cakes heard my pained whimpers and found me on their kitchen floor covered in blood, sawing at my neck with the knife.
“They stopped me and took me to the hospital where I was patched up. The next day I was talking to a psychologist, within minutes I told him every detail and became a sobbing wreck. From that moment the Cakes decided to adopt me, and through therapy I was able to change my life around. I never again want anypony to feel the way I did, so I made it my goal in life to make as many ponies as I can as happy as they can be.”
I sat there, stunned, as Pinkie finished her own story. She wiped her tears away before looking back into my eyes. As I looked into hers I could see the pain she spoke of still there as fresh as the day it happened, but she was able to use that pain and it made her stronger. Maybe I could do that too.
“Come on Twilight, let’s get you to the hospital where you can meet my doctor. I have no doubt in my mind that he will be able to make everything better, okay?”
I nod, and together we leave the comfort of the library, and I take my first steps towards being a new mare, a stronger mare.
Author's Note
Based on my own experience when I got low.
Pinkie led me through the streets of Ponyville, thankfully nopony was out and about to see us. We walk in silence; no more words need to be says after the events that transpired in the library. Instead we simply lean into each other, showing our support for one another.
Soon enough we arrive at the hospital, Pinkie walks in with me right behind her. I follow as she walks up to the main desk, behind which I see nurse Red Heart. She looks up as Pinkie arrives at the counter.
"Oh, good evening Pinkie, we weren't expecting you until next week, are you feeling alright?" asks the nurse.
"I'm okay for now, but I'm more worried about Twilight,” Pinkie turned to me.
“I… I need help…” The nurse looks me over, and then glances to Pinkie. I don’t know what expression Pinkie was conveying, but the surprise in the nurse’s eyes is quite obvious and I can't help but shrink down a bit. I don't know much about her, the only other time I met her was when Applejack accidentally poisoned half of Ponyville.
"I see, I'm sorry to hear that Miss Sparkle, but we will do everything we can to make you comfortable. Right now what we're going to do is get you a guard escort to the mental ward in the back of the hospital, where you will be speaking to a board of doctors and psychologists to help decide the best course of action, okay?"
I can't help but panic slightly, a guard escort? Are they going to put me in a strait jacket and toss me in a padded cell? These thoughts and more flash through my mind, but before I can ask a single question, my escort arrives.
"Evening, Miss Sparkle. Please, walk this way." The guard says. I was expecting at least two. I look back at Pinkie and she nods her head encouragingly. I'm reluctant, but I manage to turn and flow the guard.
The Ponyville hospital is quite small, but the tunnel we enter implies that it's a much larger building. "Just how big is the hospital?" I ask the guard nervously.
"Not very big as far as hospitals go. It's mostly a few different buildings connected by these tunnels." I raise an eyebrow, I wasn't actually expecting a response. Might as well see if he would answer my other questions.
"I thought I was going to be drug off in a strait jacket." I say with a nervous laugh. The guard shakes his head.
"No, we only do that if the pony is a danger to themselves or others."
"What about a padded room?" I ask, feeling more and more comfortable with the situation.
"Maybe if you ask nicely," the guard says with a chuckle, "but I think that's up to the board members to decide. I don't know, I just make sure everyone behaves." I nod in understanding, and then we walk through a large set of double doors that leads into another hospital building.
I follow my guard as he leads me around a number of twisting corridors. Eventually we arrive at another desk; behind it is a short brown stallion with a brain behind a magnifying lens as a cutie mark. He looks up at me as I come near.
"Ah, Miss Sparkle, it's a pleasure to meet you." He says. "I am Doctor Mind Bend."
"E-evening, doctor." Oh Celestia, I have never been so nervous.
"No need to be nervous, tonight we just need to get a basic survey and your vitals checked out. Tomorrow the board will get together and we'll have a little chat. Come with me, please."
He leads me away from the desk and down the hall to the right. We enter a small examination room. Inside is various medical equipment, while the walls are lined with various medical pictures.
"Please wait here a moment while I grab some scrubs for you, please remove all personal items and place them in the bin here." He says as he leaves me alone in the room.
I have nothing on me to remove, so I spend the time looking at the various pictures on the wall. One was of an unborn foal still in the uterus, I find myself fascinated and entranced, the image both disturbing and intriguing; I jump in fright as I hear the door opening. I spin around to see Doctor Mind Bend return with some bright green cloths.
"Nothing to remove I see," he notes as he sees the empty tray, "anyway, if you could just put these on for me." He hands me the bundle and I take it in my telekinesis. I unfolded the cloth and discovered it was a pair of sweat pants and a shirt. A moment later I'm sitting on the examination table wearing my new wardrobe.
"Now, I just need you to answer some questions for me." He says as he holds up a clipboard in his fore hooves. Attached to the clipboard is a lot of paperwork. "Now, are you on any narcotics?"
"No."
"Are you taking any prescription medications?"
"No."
I sit there and answer the numerous questions to the best of my ability for three hours before he places the pen and pile of paperwork on the desk with a yawn.
I can't help but yawn as well. "Well Miss Sparkle, it seems we both need to catch some Z's. One of the nurses should have a room prepared. Oh before I forget, normally we only notify immediate family members, but we can make an exception and let the Princess know where you are, we might even allow her to visit you if you want."
That gave me a lot to think about, should I tell the princess? How could I tell her that it was her fault I feel this way? Is it even her fault in the first place, or is it something I don't know about yet? Regardless, I don't want her up all night worried about me nor do I want to see her just yet. "I think I'll wait until I feel like I can talk to her myself."
"That's okay, patient privacy states we can't tell anyone anything without your consent, unless of course the situation requires it." He says. There's a knock on the door and a nurse comes in.
"Sir, we have room four prepared for miss Sparkle."
"Ah good, you're just in time. Miss Sparkle, if you would follow nurse Cure to your room and then get as much rest as you can, tomorrow is going to be a busy day." Doctor Bend says to me.
I nod and follow the nurse to my room. It's more spacious than I thought it would be; it had a single bed with its own bathroom and separate sink. I pull back the sheet and the thin blanket and lay down.
"This is our suicide watch room, as of now we will monitor you at all times through this viewing crystal," she says as she pointed out a large gem fastened to the corner of the ceiling. "We will have to leave the door open at all times, if you need to use the bathroom one is down the hall a few meters, this one is to remain locked. If you need anything press this button here," she pointed out a red button on the wall, easily within reaching distance. "Good night, Miss Sparkle. We will have breakfast ready for you in the morning."
And with that I'm left to my own thoughts. I lay there staring up at the ceiling, everything that happened that last day was playing through my head again and again. I don't know when I fell asleep but I find myself suddenly blinded as the magical lights flashed on.
"Good morning, Miss Sparkle, I trust you slept well?" asks a nurse I didn't recognize. I can only groan in response. "Well it's time for breakfast, it's 7:45 in the morning and the board is supposed to meet at 9:00."
I grunt as I pull myself out of the bed. The nurse leaves me alone for the moment as I head out in search of the bathroom, on the way the same nurse stops me and hands me a tiny mane comb, tooth brush, toothpaste, and a tiny coat brush. I take the items in my magic and go about my morning routine as best I could with the provided supplies.
Once I finished, I met the nurse out in the hall where I am led to a room with a few tables and chairs set up. I notice that I’m not the only patient to grace the halls. Dining with me is an elderly stallion and another mare about my age. The stallion lost all the color in his fur and seemed content to simply stare at the table, while the mare was a yellow Pegasus with a red-orange mane. I want to introduce myself and see if I can at least make a friend or two, but I remember that these are troubled ponies too. I don’t want to say anything that might upset them, so I choose to remain silent and let them make the first move.
We sat in silence for a few moments as the nurse handed out trays with a bit of food on them. Now, when I say a bit, I don’t mean less than I usually eat, I mean barely enough to feed a rabbit. I look down at my single egg and half a slice of toast. I raise an eyebrow and decide to break the tension I could feel between us.
“Well, at least I didn’t come here for the food.” I smile as I get a chuckle out of one of my fellow… hmm. I don’t know what we are, fellow patients? That seems appropriate.
After the stellar meal, my… fellows… and I are lead to what looks like a waiting room. There are a number of cushions, a couch, and a table. Next to the door I see a number of magazines, but I divert my gaze. Reading anything is the last thing I want to do. Instead I settle for lying down and resting my eyes until that board meeting. Or at least I try to.
“That breakfast was bullshit!” the mare I was with suddenly yells, making me bolt upright in fear. “Sorry, I have anger issues, and that breakfast shit is really pissing me off.” Well, at least she apologized.
“It’s okay, but yeah, I know what you mean. If anything that just made me even hungrier.” I say, voicing my thoughts.
“You’re telling me. So, what are you in for? You don’t seem like the overly angry type.” Great, she’s very tactful in assessing other ponies’ feelings.
“I, um, almost did something bad; I don’t want to talk about it.” Not with you anyway.
“Oh, I see. Hopefully this place will do more for you than what they could do for that guy.” She says, pointing a hoof at the elderly stallion. She leaned in closer and lowered her voice, “I overheard from the nurses, he’s the only survivor of a dragon attack on his village and he’s messed up pretty bad. Most of the time he just sits there silently, but when he does talk he thinks he’s talking to someone from his village. I hear he’s been floating around from hospital to hospital ever since the attack about twenty years ago.”
“Oh, Celestia…” is all I can say. His problems outweigh mine by a huge amount, yet here I am feeling sorry for myself when this one stallion has suffered so much. But wait, I wouldn’t be here in the first place if I didn’t have a problem, so in the end I guess it doesn’t matter how big or small our problems are compared to others, what does matter is how our problems affect us.
“Yeah, you said it.” She says. She turned and left me in the waiting room with the stallion. I found it odd that she never gave me her name, but then again I never asked nor offered my own name. I shrug and try to lie back down again. The key word here being ‘try.’
The creepy stallion suddenly turns his head and locks eyes with me. He seems to stare into my very soul for what feels like hours before he breaks into a wide grin. “Good evening! What brings a fine lass such as yourself this far east?”
“I, um…” Seriously, what am I supposed to do in a situation like this? Medical books were never a part of my studies!
“Trade huh? Well, be careful out there after nightfall, wolves and monsters are out there.” He says, and then he simply turns back around and resumes staring at the wall.
I have no idea what to do, is he still talking to me? Would he find me being rude? I need to make sure he doesn’t think we’re still talking before I lie down. “So, what’s this about monsters?” I figure starting on something he left off with would be the best decision. Instead I’m met with silence. I am totally freaked out.
I move to the far end of the waiting room to put some distance between us. I look around and find a plush cushion that looks perfect. As I prepare to rest, the nurse from before pokes her head inside the room.
“Miss Sparkle? The board is ready to see you know.” I silently curse to myself as I turn and follow her back to the room where I ate ‘breakfast.’ There I see a number of doctors and a few younger ponies that were clearly students, as well as Princess Luna.
“Luna? What are you doing here?” I ask, completely bewildered.
“Our sister was told of your incident through your brother, Captain Armor. She wanted to come to you immediately but it was explained to her that you had no wish for her to visit. To say she was heartbroken would be an understatement.” She says, leveling a stern gaze at me. “So, I came to find out just what is going through your mind to make you turn away from my sister in such a way, and chose to sit in on this board with you. That is, if you feel comfortable with me being here.”
“Actually, I could use a friend to talk to right about now.” I say as I take a seat across from Luna.
“Alright then, tell us a bit about what happened last night.” One of the doctors says as he levitates up a pen and some paper to write notes on. I take a deep breath and begin to speak about everything. I tell Luna and the doctors everything I felt and why I came to such a decision.
As I finished, I noticed that Luna was slightly paler than when I started. “I see,” she says, “Twilight, I’m sorry, really I am, but this is something you need to tell my sister as soon as you can. I’ll try to tell her that there was indeed a very good reason you didn’t wish to see her.” Luna says before she got up to leave. “Also, Pinkie and the rest of your friends are waiting for you outside of the hospital, Pinkie told them where you were at, but didn’t mention any details.”
I stand too and give Luna a hug, “Thanks Luna, that was a lot to get off of my chest.” I say as she returns the hug.
“I must go now Twilight, please be patient and listen to the doctors.” She says as she leaves through the double doors. I turn back around to face the board members.
“Well Miss Sparkle, we have decided that you are to attend therapy at least once a week with Doctor Blue Box. We understand that Miss Pie described her current situation to you and so we decided to schedule your meetings around the same time. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we need to get you cleared to go home.” The Doctor says, everypony at the table began filing away their things as the nurse led me back to the waiting room once more.
I see the creepy stallion is exactly where I left him, and the mare appears to be back. Oh wait, the nurse is talking to her, and there they go, off to parts unknown. Once again I find myself bored, and this time I was actually able to lie down.
I must have fallen asleep, because I’m being lightly shaken by the nurse. “Miss Twilight,” she says when I’m aware of my surroundings, “Your release papers have been finalized and you are free to go whenever you’re ready.”
Oh joy, I get to go out and face my friends. Just the mere thought suddenly brings back that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. But this time it’s different, I acknowledge the pain, and I choose to push through it. I will confront my friends and I will face their reactions head on to the best of my ability.
I walk down the hall to the right, past the cafeteria/meeting hall, through three sets of double doors and out into the sun. Off to the right of the road leading back into Ponyville sit my friends on a blanket having a picnic. Pinkie is the first to notice me. She gets up, slowly walks over to me, and gives me a hug.
“It’s okay, Twilight, we’re all here for you.” She says.
I hug her back as hard as I can, my eyes beginning to water. “Thanks, Pinkie. For everything.”
“I know it doesn’t seem like it, but everything will get better, I Pinkie Promise.” She says, and then steps back to go through the motions of the promise. “Now come on, we saved you a spot.” She leads me to the picnic and I sit between her and Fluttershy.
“Are… are you alright Twilight?” Fluttershy asks tentatively, “Pinkie told us you were in the hospital but wouldn’t tell us anything, we were so worried.”
“I-I’m sorry everypony, I’ve just been under so much stress my entire life… I just… I…” I break off into soft sobs as Fluttershy takes me into a soft embrace.
“Thanks,” I say after a few moments, wiping my eyes, “Thanks everypony.”
“So what’s the big deal that landed you in the hospital of all places? You were fine yesterday and you look fine now.” Rainbow blurts out, ruining the moment. “What?” She asks looking around in confusion.
Pinkie turns to me, “It’s okay, Twilight. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but talking about it really does help.”
“I know,” I look at the ponies gathered around me, “You all have a right to know, and it not your fault…” I told them everything I could, my thoughts, feelings, the pressure to succeed, and how I wanted it to end. They looked at me, shocked, appalled, and furious as I finished my tale.
“What the hay, Twilight! You just can’t go and leave us like that! Besides, it’s just studying, it’s not like preparing for a competition or anything! All you do is read books all day, how hard could that be?” Rainbow Dash yells. To say I was upset at her reaction would be putting it mildly. Fortunatly for me, Pinkie jumped to me defense.
“Rainbow Dash!” She yells, stomping up to Rainbow, “Don’t you DARE say ANYTHING like that!” Rainbow shrank down before the terrifying glare Pinkie was giving her, “How could you be so cruel? Just because the circumstances are different from yours doesn’t mean they aren’t-!” Pinkie gasps and holds a hoof to her mouth, and Dash recoils as though physically struck.
“Dashie, I’m sor-” But Dash shook her head, taking off into the sky towards her cloud house. As she does, I swear I felt a rain drop, but there were no clouds overhead. Perhaps, Pinkie and I aren’t the only ones with a story to tell.
Author's Note
Based off of my time in the mental ward of the VA hospital. The old stallion was based off of a homeless Vietnam veteran that was living VA to VA, he was not as bad as the stallion in the story, but it was still sad. If anyone knows a homeless vet, lend a helping hoof, those guys got screwed over.
The tears start flowing again, some get into my tea, adding a bit of a salty flavor, but I don’t care. I’m too busy thinking about all the fun and crazy adventures we had together since the very start. As I near the end of memory lane, I start to feel the emptiness once again, the pit of despair. The tears come faster, almost desperate to leave my eyes. I cover my face with my hooves and sob uncontrollably for a time.
I finally gain the will to move again, my final movements, all in the effort to make the pain go away. I tie an end of AJ’s strongest rope to the banister above me, and slide a chair directly underneath. I hold the picture of my friends and family to my chest as I rear back on my hind legs. I delicately tie the other end of the rope around my neck, giving it a swift tug to make sure it won’t come undone. I take one last look at the photo, tears streaming down my muzzle, as I take that one last step forward.
For a moment, I feel weightless as I free fall towards the floor, but all too soon I feel the rope burn as it digs into my neck. My world exploded in pain, my last thought before I begin frantically flailing my hooves is: I should have jumped off the balcony to have the rope painlessly break my neck.
Conscious thought is lost as survival instinct takes over. I grasp at the rope with my hooves, but my own weight pulls the rope in tighter, cutting off the last of the blood flow. I feel myself growing numb, my head and neck is in agony but the rest of my body feels non-existent. I feel the blood trickle out of my nose and my tongue roll out of my gaping mouth as the world fades to black, and soon, I feel myself fade as well.
It was late as Spike was walking home, a long day of fun with all his pony friends had left him on the verge of collapsing where he stood. As he drug his feet to the library, sweet thoughts of his comfortable bed filled his mind.
He eventually came to the front door of the library and let himself in. The first thing he saw was the mess of books and old toys of Twilight’s scattered about.
“Seriously? She could at least try to put things away…” Spike trailed off as he saw an unforgettable sight, Twilight hanging limply on the end of a rope tied to the banister. In a moment his exhaustion was forgotten as he ran up to Twilight.
“Twilight?! Twilight!” He yelled as he climed up the wall and cut the rope holding her up. He watched in horror as she hit the floor, her legs held stiffly against the contact, making her fall over like a block of wood. Rigor mortis has already fully set in.
He detached from the wall, tears flowing from his eyes as he cradled her cold, stiff body. He face was frozen, scrunched up in pain with her tongue sticking stiffly out of her mouth. The rope around her neck was imbedded deeply into the flesh, a large bruise on either side.
Spike was unable to do anything other than weep for his sister, mother, friend. He stayed by her side all through the night and most of the morning, until he heard a knock at the door.
“Twilight, Ah’ve come fer mah rope like Ah said Ah… would…” Applejack stopped in the doorway, there before her was Spike, cradling Twilight’s body.
The tears start flowing again, some get into my tea, adding a bit of a salty flavor, but I don’t care. I’m too busy thinking about all the fun and crazy adventures we had together since the very start. As I near the end of memory lane, I start to feel the emptiness once again, the pit of despair. The tears come faster, almost desperate to leave my eyes. I cover my face with my hooves and sob uncontrollably for a time.
I finally gain the will to move again, my final movements, all in the effort to make the pain go away. I tie an end of AJ’s strongest rope to the banister above me, and slide a chair directly underneath. I hold the picture of my friends and family to my chest as I rear back on my hind legs. I delicately tie the other end of the rope around my neck, giving it a swift tug to make sure it won’t come undone. I take one last look at the photo, tears streaming down my muzzle, as I take that one last step forward.
For a moment, I feel weightless as I free fall towards the floor, but all too soon I feel the rope burn as it digs into my neck. My world exploded in pain. Thinking quickly, I cut the rope with my magic, falling the rest of the way.
I hit the ground hard as I gasp for breath. I use my magic to remove the last of the rope from around my neck. There has to be an easier way, wait. There is, the alchemy lab in the basement.
I push myself up to stand on my wobbly legs. I begin to slowly make my way down to the basement. Once I’m finally there I begin to mix and combine a multitude of chemicals and herbs before finally pouring them into a small cup. It was a simple sleep potion, with a dash of something extra.
I make my way back upstairs and past the rope hanging from the banister. I grab my picture of my friends and make my way back upstairs to my room. I sit on my bed and contemplate my life as I stare at the picture once again. Maybe I’m not cut out for this. Should I try to get help? No, nopony would understand, they simply see me as the nerdy librarian. What if this was meant to give me another shot at life? No, I don’t think I could face anyone, what would they say or do when if I tell them the truth? No, second chance or not, this isn’t a life worth living anymore. I already made my choice.
I tilt my head back and swallow the bitter concoction. My head felt light as I felt the sleeping component kick in. I pull the covers of my bed back and lay down, resting my head on my pillow as I cover myself in the warm blankets. I feel my eyelids drooping as I hold the picture to my chest. A small smile traces my lips as the pillow moistens with a tear.
It was late as Spike was walking home, a long day of fun with all his pony friends had left him on the verge of collapsing where he stood. As he drug his feet to the library, sweet thoughts of his comfortable bed filled his mind.
He eventually came to the front door of the library and let himself in. The first thing he saw was the mess of books and old toys of Twilight’s scattered about.
“Seriously? She could at least try to put things away. Whatever, I’ll do it in the morning.” Spike made his way up to the bedroom, casting a raised eyebrow at the rope hanging from the banister. He made his way into the bedroom and glanced at the sleeping form of Twilight. She was facing the window, her back to him as she usually slept.
“Sleeping already? Huh, well when you’re tired…” He trailed off into a yawn. He climbed into his basket and pulled his blanket over his body, before quickly falling asleep.
The next morning Spike awoke to a knocking on the door. “Twilight, Ah’ve come fer mah rope like Ah said Ah… would… Consarnit! Ah told her not ta break mah rope!” He heard AJ yell. He pulled himself from his comfortable bed, dimly noting Twilight was still sleeping.
He made his way downstairs to Applejack. “Hey AJ.”
“Hey yerself, where’s Twilight? We need to have some words.” She said, stomping her hoof.
“She’s still sleeping, come on I’ll wake her up.” Spike led AJ upstairs to the bedroom, where Spike went up to the bed and nudged Twilight. “Hey Twilight, AJ’s here to see you. Twilight?” He pulled back the covers, hoping the cool air would snap her awake, it didn’t.
He reached up and grabbed her bare shoulder, it was freezing to the touch. He tried to shake her, but her entire body was stiff. “AJ? I think something’s wrong with Twilight.”
“What do ya mean?”
“Like, I don’t know. She’s cold and her shoulder is as stiff as a rock.”
AJ froze up, memories of her foal hood flooded into her mind of a dark bedroom and an unresponsive mother laying in her bed. She shook her head and blinked the memory away, that was then and this is now.
“Here, let me see.” She pushed Spike off the bed and out of the way. She reached out a hoof and grabbed Twilight’s shoulders, the feeling was just like the one from so long ago. She recoiled in shock, tears already running down her muzzle.
“No… No no no no not again, no, not again…” She continued muttering under her breath as she further examined Twilight’s body for any sign of life, but there was none to be found.
“What…What is it? What’s wrong?” Spike asked. AJ snapped out of her mutterings for a moment when she realized who was with her.
“Twilight’s… Twilight’s a bit sick right now, Ah need you to gather up our friends. But before you go, Ah need to write to the Princess.” She took him downstairs, closing the door to the bedroom behind her. She took up a quill off the writing desk,
Dear Princess Celestia,
We need you at the library, Twilight’s
She’s
I don’t know what to do
I finally gain the will to move again, my final movements, all in the effort to make the pain go away. I tie an end of AJ’s strongest rope to the banister above me, and slide a chair directly underneath. I hold the picture of my friends and family to my chest as I rear back on my hind legs. I delicately tie the other end of the rope around my neck, giving it a swift tug to make sure it won’t come undone. I take one last look at the photo, tears streaming down my muzzle, as I take that one last step forward.
The next thing I see is a pink blur burst into my house and somehow manage to untie the rope before my weight held it taunt. I hit the floor hard, knocking the wind from my lungs. I gasp for air as I find my footing, and look up to see a furious Pinkie Pie.
“What the BUCK are you thinking Twilight?! You’re lucky my Pinkie sense told me to come find you!” She yells. I can’t find words, she had caught me in the act, there’s no way I’m going to be able to talk this down. Not that my body will let me in the first place. As I look at the furious mare, all I can think is that she saved my life. She saved me so I can continue to live a life of utter despair, and I hate her for it. I hate that she cared. Something inside me snaps, my vision goes dark yet I can still see.
I glare at Pinkie, how dare she try to keep me here against my will, to keep me here to suffer? If she wants me to suffer, then so shall she. I focus, creating a black ball of dark magic on the tip of my horn. With a furious scream I launch it at the pink mare. She was too nimble and was able to evade my attack, but no matter.
I grab her in my telekinesis, the once soft pink glow now an inky black, and I pin her to the floor.
“Twilight! Twilight please, calm down it doesn’t have to be this way!” I can feel the fear radiating from her, and it feels good.
I walk up to her slowly as I grab the large wooden horse head bust from the table. “I hate you… This is all your fault…” I raise the bust over my head and bring it down as hard as I could. Pinkie screams in terror, unable to bring her pinned hooves up to protect herself as the bust crashes into her face. I lift the bust, Pinkie’s muzzle was broken and bleeding and she was crying in pain and fear.
I bring the bust down again, and again, and again. Eventually the sobbing stopped, but I didn’t. I wanted to see how big I could make the puddle of blood before I got too tired. Once I was satisfied, I tossed the bust to the side revealing a crushed scull of a pony. I smiled, I had done this. It felt powerful, thrilling, like I wasn’t even living until this point.
I let the blackness spread across my body, encasing me in a warm embrace. I cackled wickedly as I left the library, Queen Aura was hungry, and there was already such a feast waiting for me.
