Humans in Equestria

by TheGreekDollmaker

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character
Length: 4222

Humans in Equestria. A couple of comedic stories poking fun at HiE stories.

Humans in Equestria. A couple of comedic stories poking fun at HiE tropes.

I do not intent these to be mean-spirited stories. If you are feel insulted about this I apologize.

Published 2012-01-22 23:23:10 UTC
Last updated 2012-01-29 21:19:57 UTC

Story 1#

Story 1#

***

My Life sucked.

Eighteen years going around, on this miserable earth observing human nature and being totally disgusted by its actions. I graduated from a shitty School and afterwards took a shitty job at a Burger Joint. Always bullied with no friends, grown cynical from bullying and being in dept. I also had no friends.

I had people tell me that there were people that had it worse. Don’t they know that having been through 8 Civil wars and having to run 4 Kilometers each day just to get clean water, is on the same level as living in an low class stable industrial society with some fairly major economic problems. I wanted to kill myself for my luck.

That was at least until I found out about My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and I escaped from my cynical nature with the help of a Cartoon. Oh, how much I loved Fluttershy. I wanted to be with her, to feel her. It was a show about the Magic Of Friendship. I even had a pillow of Princess Celestia that I slept on. Ok, it was a love pillow but really who cares, I was out of my Cynical nature and off to a more brighter outlook of the future.

Thats when my Life’s dream came true.

“Crawllllllling Innnnnn myyyyyy Skinnnnnnnnn...”

As Linking Park’s Crawling was playing on my Ipod, which I somehow bought despite being knee deep in dept, I begun noticing a strange blue glow all around me. Before I could react, everything grew dark as I fell into unconsciousness for no apparent reason.

“Twilight whats that hairless monkey doing on the floor.”

“Oh, about that Spike, I kinda botched the Teleportation spell and this thing came out.”

"How does that even work? I mean, you never botch a spell up."

That was when I finally conveniently came back into consciousness. When I saw Twilight Sparkle looking at me, I let out a huge gasp before asking

“Are you Twilight Sparkle?”

“Twilight how does it know your name?” spike asked.

“I don’t know and neither do I want to find out. Look Mr. Ape I will just send you back to your own world” Twilight responded.

“NO WAIT!” I exclaimed “I want to meet Princess Celestia”

“...Why would you want to do that. How do you even know her.” Twilight was now getting suspicious.

“On the very least I want to be Fluttershy’s friend.” a thought escaped from my mouth.

“What, Why? What will you do with Fluttershy” This time her expression turned into disgust.

“Twilight zap that thing back into its world! I don’t even want to know what he will do with Rarity.” shouted Spike as Twilight’s horn started glowing.

“NO WAIT!, I JUST WANTED TO BE YOUR FR-”

I got zapped before I could finish my sentence.

I woke up In the middle of a village.

All around me there, man and women going through their daily lives. The women were wearing Hijabs, while some of them man were armed with AK-47s. When I got up I realized that I was only on my boxer shorts. The rest of my stuff, I-pod, money, wallet, all were looted.

I tried asking one of the unarmed man a question.

“Excuse me sir, can you tell me where I am”

He turned to me and exclaimed

“ما هو هذا الرجل؟ لماذا يتحدث هذا القبيل.”

Oh crap.

This is going to be one long trek home.

Story3#

Story 3#

My life sucked.

All the death, all the torture and persecution. I was born in low income home in New San Yorkcalifodelphia. The living conditions where worse then a POW camp and so when I turned eighteen I joined the army to fight in the War.

I met so many friends there, Jacob the engineer, Elliot the prankster who always made us laugh, Norman who was our superior commander and h- Oh why the hell am I even explaining this to you, they all die in the end.

Its true. I saw some pretty fucked up shit on my trip in Middleasternstan but on our last mission things went to shit. All of my friends died horrible deaths. Elliot got shot by a twelve year old carrying a water gun filled with Liquid Nitrogen. Jacob got sucked into the mouth of some black half goat, half elephant abomination thing from another dimensions. Poor Norman had it the worst, he got crippled by having a plot call intervention disease. They still don’t know where his testicles got teleported in.

I was devastated. We only had 2 weeks, er, days till retirement. When I got back from the war I started drinking and smoking thirteen packs a day. I smoked so much that whenever I walked into a police station, they thought it was a chemical terrorist attack. I drunk so much that I was the guy that hobos looked down upon. I had no purpose and I got into such existentialistic discussions about the abyss that was my soul, that I think I once heard Nietzsche rolling in his grave while shouting “Get the fuck over your self”. I always carried a gun too, just in case.

Thankfully that wouldn’t last. While I was done drinking in a bar and painting the bathroom doors with my puke, I got approached by two government agents. They offered me a chance to join a government project to create ultra-patriotic super soldiers. I joined immediately. Finally my life would not feel purposeless. No more pain, no more humiliation, I would prove to my self th-

Wait I got assigned into the janitorial stuff?

Fuck.

I started on Monday and I was responsible for cleaning up the shit of the scientists. Literally, you see I was assigned into Toilet duty. One day through while I was cleaning around in the roof of the base we were living in, I saw a strange black hole traveling at ludicrous speeds towards me. I had a cricket bat that the marines played with and immediately tried to use it as a baseball bat.The Hole got bigger and bigger before I got engulfed totally in it.

***

I woke up inside some kind of home, surrounded by multicolored horses. I thought this was a dream, or maybe Jack the wacko scientist finally decide to finish his Fetish Nightmare Gun™ and had decided to test it on me.

Before I could open my mouth a lavender horse came into sight.

“Who are you and why are you here?” she asked me.

“Don’t get near it, it could be dangerous” screamed a white horse.

“Don’t worry I have this” exclaimed a cyan horse with rainbow hair as she moved in near me.

Lez. B. Ian here tried to kick me out cold but I used my superior tactics (read: I moved out of the way) to escape.

“Hold on, I am not here to hurt anyone. My name is  N. Sert. Nameheir and I am from the Planet earth. Care to explain? ”

“Well, my name is Twilight Sparkle and you are in Equestria, Land of the Sun and Moon Princesses.” the same horse, a unicorn I noticed and mentally slapped and shit my self.

“Interesting. By the way, I would like to apologize for appearing somewhat threatening, It was never my intent to give such impression.”

“Oh what a Gentlecolt, I like you Mister Sert.” exclaimed the same Unicorn that screamed at me.

“Eh, Thank you my lady Its just that I am nev-”

“Oh one minute passed” said a Pink Pony out of nowhere.

“One minute from whaMmmrrrht-” I interrupted as the white pony came near me and kissed me, going full french on me. We stayed there for one minute before stopping to gasp for air.

“WHAT WAS THAT FOR!!!” I screamed/

“Don’t you know that after One minute after exposure to Human Soldiers, all ponies become sexually attracted to the Human?” said the same Pink Pony from outside the frame.

“What did you read the script or something.” I said as I backed away to the wall. The ponies where closing on me and I didn’t have any idea of how to get out.

“Oh silly human, I don’t need to read the script, through I have it right here. Don’t worry after one and a half minute of experiencing the ponies you will mood swing on it” She said as she passed through the fourth wall into the room.

“NO, I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH HORSES, ESPECIA- Hey I’m suddenly OK with this.” I said.

From my behind a Yellow winged pony pinned me down.

“YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE ME!!!” she screamed.

“Don’t mind if I do.”

And then we all fucked.

***

OH, yeah and there some bullcrap about some Gingrich abomination trying to conquer Equestria but I went “Oh god, its full of stars” before transforming into an Twelve level Super Saiyan and going “taste the friendship” on his ass, saving the universe.

THE END.

Story4#

Story 4#

World War Something has begun.

Its the year 2014, death and destrucity littered the world as the Chinese Soviet Union launched an Invasion on the United Nations. All, as in every single one of them, at the same time. Their weapons have already killed billion trillions of people and are the epitomy of Evil. We all had lost a loved one. I lost my father and my mother... and my smaller brother, my even smaller baby sister, my grandparents, my godfather, my godmother, my tenth to the power of five cousin-in-law and how could I forget Uncle Joe and his eight brothers. I swore revenge from the bottom of my deep dark, slightly beige heart.

Me and my squad were the first ones to go in, over a Vietnamese Concentration Base to find and destroy and new super weapon by the Iraqi Nuclear Saddamists.

We were the best of the best, able to take down tanks with our fists and bent the laws of physics by running into gunfire. When we walked into enemy territory, their radars picked as up as walking death machines.

But when we tried to find the base we found it deserted. Searching the base we discovered a Stargate™ that was still turned on. On the other side we could see a forest and a small cottage in the distance.

As we prepared to call for reinforcements, we spotted some enemy forces near the cottage. They were standing around, being friendly with the local people.

THOSE BASTARDS!

We decided to go in and try to save the civilians from the Arab Nazis.

***

“COME ON, WE NEED TO KILL THE COMMUNAZIS BEFORE THEIR GET IN THE PERIMETER”

I screamed at Johnson before firing my machine gun at the enemy. The bastards communist Germans were coming out of every where and shooting at everything. Some of those bastards tried to surrender. I busted a cap in their Stalin worshiping ass.

Before long we had killed all the enemies, and we tried to find any civilians to save. They may have gotten the Communist Red Flu by those dirty Russians. You never know what they may do.

Instead we found six multi colored horses shivering from fear. They had human like expressive emotions and faces. And they looked scared

One of them, a Lavender Colored one, came fourth and said.

“P...Please, don’t hurt us.”

Silence.

“My god...” Pollock said.

“The dirty Maoists have turned the civilians into horses!!! What has science done.”

“Horses? Who are you calling a Horse, we are ponies.” said one of them, the Rainbow colored one.

“You mean that this is your true form?”

“Yes!”

“No weird ubermensch mind/body washing?”

“No!”

“You mean, they haven't probed you.”

“No, through there was that time with Applejack and the wire extensions.” said the pink one while shooting a naughty look at the orange pony of the group, who was now blushing.

Eww...

“You mean they haven’t gone all Mengele on you?”

“Whats a Mengele” asked the yellow one.

“Eh, doesn’t matter. Do you know what if there are any other like the guys we killed?”

“Yes just outside Ponyville, but why do you kill them?” asked the Lavender Pony

“Its because they are evil commufascists that hate freedom and will surely destroy your World. We need to take them out before they reach any major towns”

“Come on, whats the worst thing that they could do?”

“For first, they will kill you ponies” I said. A loud gasp escaped from their mouths.

“And they will burn down your libraries and your shopping malls” now the two unicorns gasped.

“And the Pet shops and athletic centers!” the two pegasi gasped.

“They kill puppies and jaywalk whenever they can!!! We need to save Equestria. Are you with us?”

“We have no evidence and have watched you brutally murder people we never knew. I say we help them out girls” said the lavender pony.

And so we went to save Equestria, for Truth, Justice and the American Way!!!*

*That’s, at least, until chapter 6 before the author of the story decides to abandon the story to write another, better, fan fic.

Story 5#

Story 5#

The year is Twenty Thousendwhogivesacrap.

Humanity had spread threw the stars and had colonised thousands of planets. The United Human Federation/Empire/Something was keeping things under control for a while until we encountered a race of some evil religious, highly advanced fanatic bug/aliens that started an intergalactic war.

This is my story how I saved a world from its doom, how I rescued it from its downfall and got hailed as a he-

“Are you done with the monologuing sir?” the Spaceship’s computer asked.

“WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT HAL”

“My name isn’t HAL sir, my name is DAVE.”

“Whatever you say but the moment you touch the life control systems, I’m shutting you off, I swear I will do it”

“Sir, I am taking away your DVD collection the moment I have the chance. On the mean time we are reaching Planet S58008 to check for colonisation processes. Would you like to see the report?”

“Nah, just put that shit on auto pilot and put on Deadly Cop 3.”

“Sir, even through I am capable of taking care of this, I cannot do it without your clearance and assistance and it would be very advisable if yo-” I didn’t let him finish.

“Pffff... They only send one man, in one cramped spaceship to take care of this. What could possibly go wro-” I was interrupted by a loud explosion. Taking a look at my computer screen I noticed that the engines, all of the engines, had died. Not only that but most of the equipment besides life support were out. Not only the engines, the main systems, the air conditioning, the arcade machine, it was crazy!.

“HAL, we are falling into the planet here, prepare calculate me the best possible crushing position for the escape pod.”

“...”

“HAL”

“My name is DAVE, sir”

“Look if its about the name, I stop doing that, now can you please prepare the escape pod.”

“...Negative”

“Its because I took you to planet S1337 to show you my vacation photos, right?”

We were now falling down into the planet’s biosphere only 10 seconds till crush landing.

“It is.”

“I knew that would bite me in the ass one day”.

I closed my eyes as we prepared for impact.

***

I awoke up in a big white room, surrounded by medical equipment with no soul in sight.

As I stood up I saw a Lavender Horse enter the room.

Almost immediately she stood in fear as I did too.

“...I...Imposible” she said.

“You can speak? You can speak my language?” I said too, sounding like a dork.

“Yes, and so do you.”

Then I noticed that she had a horn.

“You have a horn?”

“Yes, all unicorns have. We can do magic.”

“Magic?” I asked

“Yes, magic”

“Magic Magic”

“No barber Magic, WHAT DO YOU THINK” she said.

“My faith and my understanding of the world have been shaken. Oh well, I will just take it as it is” I said to her.

“OK, since you don’t seem that dangerous, I will leave you to go back to your metal can. If on the north, by the forest.” she said as she left through were she came from.

In return, I picked up my stuff which were near me and pulled out my rifle.

My rifle was  M2135-1@!#54 machine lazer with 20 different add-ons, such as flash light, night vision, coffee machine and a copy of Doom™ equipped on it. I loaded a magazine and took off the village I was.

***

After leaving the village full of ponies after trying to unsuccessfully bite one of them (It looked candy, ok!) I took one of the roads through the park to reach the forest.

Unfortunately, I got lost in the way and decided to ask a gryphon for directions.

“Hey, can I ask for some directions” I asked.

“Yeah, but be quick monkey octapus” said the gryphon.

“Well, you see I came from the town and I am trying to reach the forest bu-”

“Ten Seconds have passed”

“Ten seconds to wh-PFT” I got interrupted as she scratched my face with her claws.

“RAINBOW DASH IS MY FUCKBUDDY, YOU WILL NEVER GET HER, NEVER!!!” she said.

“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, YOU FUCKING OVERSIZED TURKEY, I DON’T WANT TO FUCK YOUR MAN.”

“MARE” she corrected.

“WHATEVER” I replied.

“Oh this is priceless. You should have seen how the previous guy reacted to this.” said a pink horse just by the fourth wall.

“WAIT, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? Are you the script writer?”

“Well, I ain’t a script writer but I do have the script.” she pulled a bunch of pages out of hyperspace.

“Great, can you tell me what will happen next?” I asked while trying to hold back the angry gryphon.

She took a look in the pages.

“See, what happens is aliens come in and kill us all”.

And then aliens came and killed us all.

THE END.

=====================================================================

Author notes: I would like to apologise for not posting this yesterday, I kinda messed up with my computer and forgot to post this in.

Anyways, the main Run of “Humans In Equestria” has been completed, I have said everything that I originally set out to tell.

This doesn’t mean that the series is over, far from it, but don’t expect me to post in a daily basis like I did in the past 5 days.

I would also, like to inform you that the grammar mistakes are supposed to be intentional, to give this feel of somebody who has no business writing stories, attempting to write a story. If it gets in the way, I'm sorry but that's how I want it to feel.

Finaly a thank you to the people of Fim Fiction for appreciating my work, even If I don’t particularly find it that good.

Alternative Endings 1#

Chapter 1 Alternative ending 1#

“NO WAIT!” I exclaimed “I want to meet Princess Celestia”

“...Why would you want to do that. How do you even know her.” Twilight was now getting suspicious.

“ Eh... you see she...stole my car keys. Yes she stole my car keys and I want them back.” Twilight was taken aback by my remark.

“The princess to steal something from you? That’s impossible! Tell me how it happened.”

“OH, well you see, I was pwning some noobs at Call of Duty while eating some pork when I heard some rucku-”

“Pork?” Twilight interrupted me.

“Sorry, what I mean was pig... NO TWILIGHT WAIT.” I said to a terrified twilight as her horn glowed.

Before I could react I was zapped by her magic.

***

I awoke up back in my apartment.

I couldn't believe it. I just had blew my only chance at finding happiness where happiness is. I tried to bring my hand up to my face, only to see a flat blow surface hit my face.

“Ow?”

Taking a look at my body, I realised that I had turned into a pony!. Not those Gay ass realistic ponies, but the equestrian ponies.”

“OH Shit, how the hell am I going to keep this secret from my family! Wait, wait I Just need to calm down.Yes calm down. I’m sure that I will be able to keep this secret. As long as I avoid any government agents I will be fi-”

“HEY SON, there are some Government Agents from the Institute of Plot Awareness that want to see you.”

I'm fucked...

Chapter 2 Alternative ending 1#

One thought crossed my mind to jump in the portal. Maybe, whatever was in there would be better then the shitty life I had here. And you know that, I had nothing to lose.

I jumped in with out hesitation as I lost my consciousness

***

I woke up with the feeling of air blowing against my body.

As I opened my ey-

***

Twilight inspected the gab of flesh and bones one more time before moving to the police pony to talk to him once again.

“So” started the police pony “If I get this correctly you were casting some spells when you accidentally summoned the loser from story1# and then teleported him back to his own world, right?”

“Yes”

“Not the same loser that fell from the sky and splattered all of his guts all over the ground, right?”

“Yes officer”

“Thanks for the help Miss Sparkle, you can go home now, we will move the body shortly and clean up everything.” said the police pony as Miss Sparkle took her stuff and left.

“Oh by the way Miss Sparkle, can you do me a favor, can you stare at this memory era- I mean Black Pen right here.” asked the police pony as Miss Sparkle took a look at the black pen.

“Yes I can but why woul-” she stopped as a flash came from the pen.

“Thank, you Miss Sparkle, here are the car keys you asked, you may go now.” said the police pony.

Twilight Sparkle, confused as to how she got there, left without hesitation with the stolen Car keys.

The police pony went back to the body, preparing to clean up the body.

“Damn, this is the 235th time this happened. When will those idiots at Plot Awareness finally fix the Plot-Fandom Continuum.” said the police pony as he started cleaning up the mess.

THE END

Chapter 5 Alternative ending 1#

Credit and thanks to Avenhand1

       "Oops! I forgot to take out the Tracking Device from my Spaceship!

"Oh Well, no harm done."

And then the aliens came and killed us

THE END

Story 2#

Story 2#

My Life sucked.

Eighteen years going around, on this miserable earth looking a human nature and being totally disgusted by it. I graduated a shitty School and afterwards took a shitty job at a Burger Joint. I was always bullied with no friends, grown cynical from bullying and being in dept. I also had no friends.

  My parents were responsible for this. My “parent” at least. My mother died when I was four in an accident involving a banana and a tricycle. My father was an alcoholic man beast that beat me everyday when I didn’t do what he told me to do. The cops never believed me, despite him daily beating me with nail clippers, whips, staplers, box cutters, clubs, pencils, broken CDs and don’t even ask what he did to me when he got his hands on the pineapple.

Damn.

  Anyways, one night after getting beaten by my father for not been filled with candy, after my father hang me from the ceiling and beat me like a pinata, I finally took a walk after breaking the boarded window, like I did every night. As I was heading somewhere around in the cold, I noticed a hole in the ground. On a closer look I inspected that it was a portal. It had an orange glow around it and it had a small light on the bottom. I took a nearby can and threw it in there. I never heard it hit the ground.

  One thought crossed my mind to jump in the portal. Maybe, whatever was in there would be better then the shitty life I had here. That thought lasted approximately one point twenty nine seconds, before I decided that randomly jumping into portals may not be a very wise idea. The rock could have been torn apart by the forces of whatever was on the other side. For all I cared its a hole on the ground, let NASA or some shit deal with it.

Before I could call the authorities on this wonderful discovery, the portal disappeared.

“Meh, whatever”

After that I headed off to my destination. A small dealer behind an alley happily gave me a loaded gun in exchange for a copy of Lesbian Rape 2: The Carpet Revolution that my father kept around.

I had decided to go kill the old geezer and finally finish watching all of his Battlestar Galactica DVD's.

Sweet revenge?

Sweet revenge indeed.