It was a sad day in Ponyville. Sad being metaphorical, not literal. It was actually a pretty good day. In fact, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and big fluffy white clouds littered the sky in that intriguing way they do when you start seeing shapes in them. In short, it was a beautiful day for a funeral.
Yes, you heard me right. A funeral. A rare occurrence in the happy little town, it struck everypony by surprise. What was even more surprising was that it wasn't any of the usual suspects. When the news began to spread, the first names that came to mind were Granny Smith, Cranky Doodle Donkey, Matilda, and Mr. Waddles. Upon visiting said ponies, it was discovered that not only were they still very much alive, but also far from kicking the bucket.
As it turns out, it wasn't even being held for a pony. Perhaps I should explain: You see, the funeral was being held for-
You know what; I don't want to explain it all right now. Long story short, Princess Luna came to Ponyville with her sister, asking Twilight Sparkle to get her friends together for a small funeral. She didn't want a lot of ponies attending so it would help her in the grieving process, but that didn't stop everypony finding out and talking about it.
It was the day of the funeral. The only ponies in attendance were Twilight Sparkle and the other Elements of Harmony, Spike the dragon, the Mayor of Ponyville, Princess Luna and Princess Celestia. They were in the cemetery, gathered in a circle surrounding a round marble table at its center. On the table was a small cardboard box, carefully packaged so as to not damage the occupant inside any further that it already was.
Luna was standing next to her sister, crying softly as the Mayor delivered the sermon. "We are gathered here today to honor a life now lost. To lend our helping hooves to the grieving, and give them our support. But mostly, we are gathered here to say goodbye." She bowed her head. "Now if you would all be so kind as to be silent for the next few moments, as tribute."
They all obeyed, except for Applejack, who still couldn't believe she had gotten dragged here for something so strange. "Ah still don't get why we're here. This is pointless to hold a funeral for a dang-"
"Ssssh!" Rainbow Dash hissed at her quietly.
Applejack made a face. "Ahm just sayin', this whole thing is silly, dontcha think?" She whispered.
Rainbow Dash glared at her. "AJ, I said be quiet! Not all of us are trying to be rude!"
"I'm not tryin' to be rude, ahm just sayin'-"
"Ahem."
The two looked up and realized the whole group was now glaring at them.
"Sorry…" Rainbow said sheepishly.
"Pardon." Applejack offered, not really meaning it.
The Mayor continued. "Next, why don't we all go around the circle and have all in attendance say a few words about the deceased. Princess, why don't you start." She picked up the box and held it out to Celestia, who levitated out of her grasp and held it in front of her. She regarded the box for a moment before she spoke.
"You were a…special little thing. I regret not getting to know you better, or giving you the playtime you rightfully deserved, even though it wasn't my fault since I couldn't for the life of me figure you out." She looked at Luna before continuing. "Anyway, despite the many sleepless nights you have given me thus far, I will always remember the fun and happiness you brought to my little sister, and for that I will always be thankful." With a nod she passed the box over to Twilight, who took it in her own magical aura with a smile.
"Thank you, Princess." Twilight pulled out a large pile of cue cards, clearing her throat before reading from the top card. "I didn't know how to voice my sorrow, so I compiled a long list of references that I think might help with finding the strength to get through this tough time. Furthermore-"
"Oh, for Pete's sake, Twilight!" Spike yelled, grabbing the floating box out of the air. "We're sad; you shouldn't have died so soon, it wasn't your time, we'll miss you, goodbye." He passed the box over to Pinkie Pie. "Come on Twilight, enough with the cue cards. It's not like we ever knew the thing anyway." The purple mare stuck her tongue out at the dragon, who reciprocated the gesture.
"Ooh, yay! I'm next! Let's see, what can I say? I'm sorry you're not around anymore to enjoy my awesome parties! You would have loved them, especially since you're so fond of music and games! I was going to turn this into a party but Twilight said it wasn't appropriate and that not every get together required balloons and cake, but I say that's just silly because cake and balloons make everypony happy and why wouldn't we want to make everypony happy? Anyway, I just want to say I bet you would have been super fun at parties and that I'm going to miss you even though I didn't know you that well. Bye!" She passed the box to Fluttershy, waving at it like it was just going on vacation and would be back in a week.
Fluttershy held the box in her hoof, staring at it awkwardly while trying to come up with something to say about it. "…I…um…I just want to…t-to…" She looked around the circle, blushing when she realized everypony was staring at her intently. She shrank back from the attention. "…bye." Was all she managed to squeak out before handing the box over to Rarity.
The fashonista picked it up with her magic. "Yes, you were a joy to be around…I assume. From what I heard, you were very fashion forward. Luna gave you all the greatest accessories and you wore them magnificently!"
"It's true!" Luna cried out.
Rarity smiled sadly. "If I can say anything, it would be this: you are, and always will be, very special to Luna. And…to me." She let a tear fall as she passed it over to Rainbow Dash.
"Yeah, you were a lot of fun! That night me and Derpy came over and stayed up all night playing with you and Luna, that was the most awesome sleepover ever!" She flew over to Luna and held out her hoof, waiting for Luna to bump it. Luna wiped a tear from her eye, smiled, and obliged the rainbow haired Pegasus, immediately tearing up and going back to hysterically crying afterwards.
Rainbow Dash landed back in her spot in the circle, handing the box over to Applejack. The farmer took it and stared at it through bored, half lidded eyes. "Ya'll know ah could be back at the farm helpin' Macintosh haul them apple carts to the barn instead of encouraging this nonsense, right?" Rainbow Dash elbowed her in the ribs. "Ow! Alright, alright!" She rolled her eyes. "Ahm gonna miss ya, ya'll were just a little bundle of joy to play with, ahll never know love again, blah blah blah." Rainbow Dash facehoofed. Applejack took one last look at the box, sighed, and held it out to Luna. "Here ya go Princess. Now, if ya'll would excuse me-"
Rainbow Dash grabbed her friend and pulled her back. "Oh no you don't, you're staying right here!" Applejack grumbled, shooting Rainbow Dash a glare but staying put nonetheless.
All eyes fixed on Princess Luna, who sat back on her haunches, holding the box close to her face while a new batch of tears leaked out of her eyes and ran down her cheeks. Her lip trembled as she began speaking. "…Thou…were the best…" She swallowed a lump in her throat. "Thy friendship meant more to me then…" She shut her eyes before trying again. "We will…I mean, 'I' will never forget you." She blushed a little at her slip up. Fluttershy's classes were paying off, although she did still let out a royal "We" every now and then.
Hehehe…royal we…sorry, sorry, no time for jokes, very sad, back to the story....
Luna continued. "Thy passing came as a surprise to me. It was so sudden. I had left thou alone for just a moment to go to the bathroom, I never thought I would come back to find thee…" Celestia put a hoof around her shoulders, comforting her.
"It's okay, sister. You can let it out. We all know how hard this is on you."
Luna wiped at her eyes, trying to remove the many tears from them, to no avail. "…I-I…I-I can't say anymore…I am so sorry…" She buried her face in Celestia's chest, crying harder as her sister lifted the box with her magic and placed it back on the table, in front of the Mayor.
"Thank you, Princess Luna. I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now, but I can at least offer my support." Luna let out a hiccup and continued crying. "Now that we have all had our chance to say our goodbyes, it is time for the hardest part of this service." She took a pause to look at everypony in the circle. "It is now time to deliver the body to its final place of rest." With that, she picked the box up and put it on her back, carrying it out of the cemetery, the rest following slowly. They walked to the end of the path leading out of it, where a colt wearing a deep brown shirt and a black belt stood next to a large truck painted the same color as his shirt.
The Mayor brought the box over to him, letting him take it from her carefully before going back over to join the rest watching. The colt stood there confused, unsure of what his part was in all this strangeness.
"I um…I'm not really sure what you want me to do…" He tried to glean some hint of what they intended to happen next from the ponies now staring at him. When he got nothing, he coughed. "Well…I understand this was a…uh, difficult time for you all, so I thank you for choosing EPS (Equestria Postal Service) for your delivery needs." With that he tipped his nonexistent hat to them and stepped inside the large delivery truck, starting it up and driving away.
Luna broke down then, weeping hard and leaving her sister to hold her entire weight up to keep her from falling to ground. "There there, sister. These things happen. They even have a warranty so that if they do that you can get it replaced."
"But I don't want to replace it, Sister! That was the last Ponybox I will ever own, I never want another as long as I live!"
"Bet she'll be singing a different tune by next week…" Celestia whispered to Twilight.
"Just like last time." She whispered back. The two shared a quick laugh.
"Well…since this is over now…ahm just gonna giddy up and get on back to the farm now. If you'll excuse me Princesses." Applejack sidestepped them and headed off in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres.
Fluttershy approached Luna. "Um…Princess Luna…if you don't mind, I need to head back to my cottage. I told Angel bunny I would be back as soon as I could, and I'm worried he might have wrecked the house again. He gets angry when I leave him alone with nothing to do for too long." She stretched her wings out and gave a few flaps, lifting her body into the air and flying away slowly.
Rarity was next to approach the grieving princess. "I'm afraid I have to go as well. I promised Sweetie Belle I would let her help me make a dress. I'm truly sorry for your loss, Princess Luna." She gave a bow before turning around and leaving.
Suddenly a loud bang rang out, and a shower of confetti came down over the Princess, covering her in long strands that hung from her muzzle. "Pinkie Pie, we told you not to bring your party cannon!" Rainbow Dash shouted at the smiling mare, who began skipping away happily. Rainbow followed her, mumbling her apologies to Luna as she went by.
The Mayor walked over to Luna then, putting her hoof on her shoulder and offering her a sympathetic smile. She walked away after Luna returned the smile, heading back to Town Hall.
Twilight Sparkle and Spike were all that were left. Twilight stood next to the two sisters, saying nothing, but instead opting to simply offer them her supporting presence.
"Luna, I know you're still grieving, but can I just ask one thing?" Celestia helped her sister stand up straight as she spoke. "Are you going to do this every time one of these gets the 'Ring of Death'? I feel like this is more trouble than it's worth seeing as how this is the fifth time this has happened in the last year."
Author's Note
Inspired by the funeral I had yesterday for my late Xbox 360. It's only the second one I've lost, and I remember saying I wanted to do one for it then but I never got around to it, so this time I made it a point to invite my friends and family and hold a service while the UPS guy had to stand there and wait until it was over.
I'll miss that Xbox, even though the tray would sometimes stick and refuse to open or close, I think I'll just miss that most of all.
R.I.P