Chapters Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
"Yup"
"Yup"
"Mmm hmm"
Hank Hill, Bill Dauterive, and Jeff Boomhauer replied.
Hank was the man with brown hair and blue jeans. He stood as he drank his beer.
Standing next to him was his best friend, Bill, an obese man wearing a white shirt and blue jeans. Despite being bald, he still had some brown hair on his head.
A young man with yellow hair and tannish skin, Boomhauer, was busy looking at his watch, wondering where his other friend, Dale Gribble, was. Boomhauer had a black t-shirt and blue jeans.
They were outside Hank's house, sipping beer.
A few minutes later, they noticed a man in a white radioactive suit, mask and all (although the price tag was still in it), coming out of Dale's house. In his hand was three radioactive suits.
"Oh God" Hank muttered after realizing who it was:
The suited man, Dale, walked to the guys and took out his mask.
Dale's face was revealed. He had his signature hat and sunglasses with a cigarette in his mouth, still lit.
"Hello, my dear friends," Dale said with a blank expression in his face.
Hank sighed. "Dale, what are you doing?" he said, annoyed by Dale's behavior, despite years of getting used to Dale's stupidity.
"You didn't hear the news? Word is that the world's gonna end at midnight tonight! I knew that global warming will eventually take effect! The Mayans may have been wrong about 12/21/12 but Al Gore's theories could be right...or is it Mitt Romney's ideas? Ah whatever."
Hank shook his beer can. It was empty.
"And the radioactive suit?" Bill said.
"I'm getting ready just in case. I also took the liberty of giving you all radioactive suits!" Dale replied, giving one radioactive suit to each of his friends.
Hank looked at the suit and then at Dale.
He just shook his head and headed home, throwing the radioactive suit in the trash can and his empty beer can in the recycle bin.
"Stupid Dale. Thinking the world's gonna end," Hank replied, holding back his laughter as he closed the door in his house.
Dale just shook his head. Bill looked worried.
"The end of the world ?" he thought as he clenched to the suit.
While the guys were standing there, a Laotian man, who was Hank's neighbor, Kahn, was there with a full trash bag in his hand. He was going to take out the trash until he heard their conversation.
He chuckled to himself. "You guys need to stop drinking hillbilly beer too much ," he thought as he emptied his trash and went back to his house.
11:57 PM
Hank was in his bed with his wife, Peggy.
Hank was closing his eyes, trying to go to sleep. He couldn't.
He opened his eyes and sighed.
"Well since I'm awake, I might as well grab a beer " he thought.
Hank got off the bed, put on his glasses, and went to the kitchen.
11:58 PM
Hank opened the fridge when he got to the kitchen.
Hank took a beer can from the fridge and closed the fridge.
He opened the beer can and stood next to window, taking a sip.
11:59 PM
Hank chuckled to himself.
"End of the world. Good one Dale," he said shaking his head.
He saw the radioactive suit in the garbage bin, which was still there.
12:00 AM
Hank finished his beer and went outside to put it in his recycling bin.
By the time he put the can in the bin, he noticed a white light in the dark sky.
"Huh? " he thought.
It suddenly became bigger and bigger.
Hank tried shaking it off with his hand, but it did nothing.
"What the hell? " he thought as it grew larger and larger...
Hank later woke up. He felt like he had a hangover.
He didn't know what happened.
He noticed he was in a forest.
"Oh, my head," Hank muttered as he slowly got up, closed his eyes, and put his hoof on his head.
Wait, hoof?
Hank opened his eyes and noticed that his hand had been replaced by a light brown hoof.
He blinked his eyes and noticed a small puddle, quickly running towards it.
He looked at the puddle, hoping to see his reflection.
He did.
Everypony in Ponyville was having a good day. Not a single pony had a frown.
That is, until a familiar "BRWAHH!" sound was heard, surprising everypony in Ponyville, making their smiles into shocked faces.
Author's Note
Read and Review!
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
Dale, who was an orange pegasus, with a light brown mane, light brown tail, sunglasses, and his signature orange hat, just smirked and chuckled to himself.
"Looks like Hank was wrong..." he said.
Dale looked at Boomhauer, who was an tan pegasus, with a light yellow mane and tail.
"Wanna go check it out? I think I heard it from there" he said to Boomhauer while pointing his hoof at a forest.
"Yo" was all Boomhauer had to say.
Dale looked at Bill, who was an dark brown Earth pony, with a beautiful golden mane and tail. Surprisingly, he looked less obese, lazy, and drepressed than he did on Earth.
"What about you Bill?" Dale asked.
Bill shook his head. "You guys go." he said, "I'll go...check this place out. Yeah...Yeah..."
Dale looked at Boomhauer, who just shrugged. Eventually they went to the forest.
Bill just sat there, grinning like a madman.
"Of all the places I had to be in, it had to be Equestria...a brony's dream..."
Dale ran towards the forest with Boomhauer behind him.
Dale eventually stopped at the entrance of the dark forest.
Dale looked nervously at Boomhauer. "Um, after you?" he said.
Boomhauer shook his head frantically. "Dang Gribble man I ain't gonna die in some god dang o' forest man yo. Tell you want man how about we flip a coin, rock paper scissors, tic tac toe or something"
Dale looked at his hooves. "Rock, Paper, Scissors with these hooves?" he asked.
Boomhauer just rolled his eyes "Or whatever Gribble man yo!" he said.
Before Dale could say something, Boomhauer noticed a scared unicorn running towards them.
Boomhauer pointed at the unicorn. "Hey Gribble man yo look!"
Dale turned around and took off his sunglasses for a better view.
He saw a light brown unicorn, with a dark brown mane and tail.
He was wearing glasses that sort of ring a bell.
Dale asked Boomhauer, "Aren't those Hank's glasses?"
Boomhauer widen his eyes. "Yo."
Dale shouted, "Hank! Is that you?"
The unicorn suddenly stopped and widen his eyes. "Dale?"
"Yo man" Boomhauer said.
"Boomhauer?" Hank said, even more surprised.
Hank suddenly passed out, surprising Dale and Boomhauer.
Dale slowly looked at Boomhuaer. "Did Hank Rutherford Hill" he said. "just fainted?"
Boomhauer slowly nodded.
A few minutes later, they suddenly dropped to the ground, laughing.
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
Hank eventually woke up.
He wondered why he felt the ground on his back.
He noticed that he was being dragged by Dale and Boomhauer to a town full of ponies.
Dale turned around and smirked.
"Looks like Sleeping Beauty's awake." he said.
Hank stood up.
"Shut up Dale" he said, giving Dale a slight glare.
Dale couldn't help but laugh.
Hank looked around. "Where the hell are we?" he asked.
Boomhauer shrugged. "Don't know man tell you what man there's was dang o' light man big big man yo couldn't go away man yo eat us up then dang o spit us here yup man yo." he said.
Dale looked around. "Bill went to find out about this place. Maybe we should know this place a bit." Dale suggested.
They noticed a pink mare walking towards them.
Hank spoke up to the pony.
"Excuse me ma'am? We're new to this town. Do you know where we are?" he asked.
The pink pony looked at them for a few seconds.
She jumped into the air, gasping, and ran away.
Hank, Dale, and Boomhauer stood there confused.
"What the hell was that about?" Dale asked.
"Who knows man dang o' why is there a cupcake on the freaking butt man yo?" Boomhauer asked.
"Boomhauer's right. In fact, why do all these ponies have symbols on their butt?" Hank asked.
"Hey guys!"
They heard a familiar voice and looked behind them.
It was Bill, running towards them.
"I see you met Pinkie Pie"
Dale looked confused.
"Pinkie What?"
Bill smiled happily.
"Pinkie Pie. One of Twilight Sparkle's friends. Element of-"
"Wait wait," Dale interupted. "Twilight WHO?"
Bill continued, "Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's pupi-"
"Dang o'," Boomhauer interupted. "Cele-WHAT man?"
Hank sighed, "Bill, what the hell are you talking about."
Bill blinked, noticing Hank for the first time.
"Wow Hank!" Bill said, "You're a unicorn? That's an acedemy record!"
Bill laughed at his last statement as Hank, Dale, and Boomhauer stood there even MORE confused.
Bill stopped laughing and noticed their confusion.
"Oh yeah. You didn't know I was a brony." Bill said.
Dale looked shocked.
"Brony? A term for male people, both young, old, gay, straight, or bisexual, who loves HUB Channel's My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Saturday 11:30 AM?"
Bill nodded. Dale suddenly passed out. Boomhauer chuckled to himself.
"Dang o' first Hank then Gribble. Heh heh." he muttered.
Hank glared at Boomhauer. "Don't make me kick your ass." he said.
"Flank," Bill corrected.
Hank glared at Bill. "Does it matter Bill?" Hank asked.
"Sorry," Bill muttered.
Hank sighed. "Come on guys." Hank said. "Let's pick up Dale so we can explore a bit."
Boomhauer lifted Dale up Bill's back. The three guys begin to explore Ponyville.
Hank and his friends didn't notice, but a dark green stallion with a gray mane and tail was eavesdropping on them.
He had wrinkly skin but the most noticeable feature is that his back legs are shorted than the front legs.
"Let's pick up Dale so we can explore a bit." Hank said.
As they went on their way, the green stallion smiled and chuckled to himself.
"Well. Well. Well. It looks like mah good for nothing boy's here." he whispered.
He slowly followed them, quietly chuckling to himself.
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
Hank, Dale (who was being dragged by Hank), Bill (their "tour guide"), and Boomhauer were busy exploring the town.
"And that's the schoolhouse" Bill continued. "Full of good fillies and colts there!...except those little two bitches Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon." he said with a growl.
Hank blinked. "Bill, they're just girls." he said.
"EVIL CRUEL DARK-HEARTED GIRLS!" Bill snarled. "THEY MADE APPLE BLOOM CRY, MOCKED EVERYON-PONY, AND EVEN MADE BABS SEEDS MISTREAT THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!-!-!"
Boomhauer had a shocked face. "Dang o' wow man yo"
Dale eventually woke up. "Ugh. Where am I?" he said.
"Bill was giving was a tour" Hank explained.
"And dang o' telling yo horses and cutie marks and I tell you what man Equestria yo". Boomhauer also added.
"So I missed the tour and My Little Pony info?" Dale said. "Mind giving me a recap?"
As Bill began to explain everything, the green stallion who was spying to the guys (ponies?) frowned.
"That's it. All they do is walk around like a bunch of idiots." he said to himself. "Might as well make it more interesting..." he said with a grin.
He suddenly appeared in front of Hank and his friends, surprising them.
The green stallion smirked.
"Well...i thought i'd never see you here wit yer friends, boy."
Hank was confused but was shocked after realizing what the voice was...
"Dad?" he whispered.
The green stallion laughed evilly.
"That's right Hank. I'M COTTON HILL. AND I KILLED FIDDY MEN! "
Dale looked scared.
"Colonel?" he wimpered.
Bill looked shocked. "Discord being reformed was one thing but THIS?-!-?-!"
"Dang o How?" Boomhauer asked.
Cotton smiled and told them his story.
"November 11, 2007. The day i died. kinda ironic cuz it was Veteran's Day. Anyway, when i died, i was expecting to go to hell wit my war buddies. Instead i was sent here as a horse. It looked gay, but i had worse. At first, i didnt wanna be stuck here. Eventually i got used to it. i lived in the forest, feeding off of plants and bugs and sleeping on bushes. Better than eating 'Jungle Rice' and spending 2 weeks under a pile of dead bodies on Iwo Jima. You wouldn't imagine the smell...Anyway, i found out that you guys were here. The WHOLE town heard Hank scream. i followed him and found you guys. i continued spying on you until i got bored and decided to drop the act. And now we're here!"
Hank and his friends just stared at him.
Cotton just shook his head laughing.
"By the way, when did you guys get here?" Cotton asked.
Dale spoke up.
"September 14, 2009" he stated.
Cotton whistled.
"By the way. Where's Hank's wife? Not that i care" he asked.
Hank, Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer just looked at each other.
They had no idea where the others are.
Cotton shrugged and broke the silence.
"Well, i might as well join you guys. Got nothing to do now that mah cover's been blown."
Hank sighed but let him join them.
They decided to walk around, maybe ask for help.
A large red stallion and an orange mare, with a cowboy hat, were busy kicking apple trees.
As they were watching the apples fall into the baskets, a brownish unicorn with a black tail and mane walked by.
He noticed the two horses kicking trees. He shook his head and had a frown in his face.
"Redneck hillbillies," he muttered as he walked away.
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
Unlikely Encounter (and an Explanation)
Hank and his friends (including his father) were wondering where to go to next.
"How about 'Sweet Apple Acres?' I can go for an apple. I'm sure Applejack can give us one."
Hank sighed. "Apple-who?" he asked.
Bill smiled. "Applejack!" he said. "Trust me, you'll like her!"
Cotton laughed.
"I can go for an apple. Better than bugs and green plants." he said.
Hank sighed but agreed. He still couldn't believe his father is here.
Hank and his friends arrived at Sweet Apple Acres.
Hank looked at all the massive quantity of apple trees.
"Woah..." Dale and Boomhauer said.
"Meh" Cotton said.
"Sweet Celestia" Bill whispered.
Hank sighed. "Well, we're here..." he said.
Before Hank could take another step, he suddenly heard a familiar sound...
"What the? Not you rednecks!"
Hank quickly turned around and was shocked to see who it was.
"Kahn?" Hank said with a surprised tone in his face, "Kahn Souphanousinphone?"
A brownish stallion was walking towards them. He looked angry.
"Yeah its me" the stallion, Kahn muttered.
Hank groaned. "You're here too?" he said.
Kahn grinned and said, "I am everywhere you want to be Hank Hill."
Kahn couldn't help but laugh.
Cotton smiled and walked up to Kahn.
"Hello Mr. Kahn." he said extending his hoof for a shake.
Kahn raised an eyebrow. "Not the exact greeting I was expecting." he said.
Cotton chuckled. "An enemy of Hank is a friend of mine" he said.
Kahn smiled and shook Cotton's hoof.
Kahn told the guys what happened after the end of the world.
"I woke up in some town with ponies. Called Canterlot." he explained.
Bill gasped and smiled.
"Kahn, you're a lucky ducky" he said.
Kahn rolled his eyes and continued his story.
"Got sick of it. Too classy. Especially for ponies. Too snobby also. Some said I didn't dress 'properly'. Told them to go away before I looked for a three hole puncher and used it in their face." he explained.
Bill chuckled. "Sometimes the rich ones are the most hateful" he said, silently cursing Diamond Tiara.
"Traveled somewhere else." Kahn said. "Now I'm here."
Hank groaned and put his hoof in his face.
"First Dad, now Kahn." Hank said. "I could really use a beer."
"What the hay is a beer?"
Hank and his friends turned around and to their amusement, (except Bill) saw a talking orange mare with a cowboy hat.
Bill gasped.
"Oh my God! It's Applejack!"
Applejack looked confused.
"How do ya know mah name?"
Hank grabbed Bill and whispered to his ear.
"Damn it Bill. We can't let her know we're from Earth!"
Hank let go of Bill and replied to Applejack.
"Hi. I'm Hank Hill. These are my friends: Bill Dauterive, Dale Gribble, Jeff Boomhauer, and Kahn Souphanousinphone. This is my father, Cotton Hill." he said, pointing to his friends.
"Howdy to meet ya'll. I'm Applejack. Ya'll ain't around from here, aren't ya?"
"Tell you what man, no, man dang o' creepy world man dang o' wing ponies in boxes to adopt man yo gives me the chill you man."
Applejack blinked. "What did yer friend say?" she asked.
"He said no." Cotton explained.
Dale was just standing there with his left eye twitching. Bill just stood there with a wild grin in his face.
Kahn rolled his eyes. "Just what I needed." he said. "Two rednecks in my sight."
"Shut up Kahn." Hank growled.
Dale could no longer take it anymore and snapped.
"OUR WORLD IS NO MORE AND NOW WE'RE STUCK HERE IN A WORLD WITH TALKING HORSES WITH A COLORFUL BACKGROUND AND UNUSUAL NAMES!" he shouted before he fainted.
Applejack stood there VERY confused.
Hank just sighed while Cotton just laughed.
"This is funnier than Hank's narrow urethra." Cotton said, breathing from his laughter.
"Shut up Dad!" Hank shouted his an angry look on his face.
Hank turned to Applejack. "I'm sorry." he said.
Bill whispered to Hank.
"We might as well tell Applejack everything."
Hank sighed but agreed. There's no point in trying to lie.
Applejack stood there confused about her acquaintances.
Hank explained.
"Well miss...We're not from this world of yours. We're from another world called Earth. At our world, there are no talking animals. Just humans. We were humans, but after our friend, Dale, told us our world is going to end...We found ourselves in YOUR world." he explained.
"I tell ya what man, i dont think she believed us." Boomhauer said.
Applejack just stood there. She wanted to believe them, but she didn't understand what they were talking about.
"OK..." she said. "Whatever. By the way, why don't y'all have Cutie Marks?"
Kahn just blinked. "What the hell's a Cutie Mark? Man every pony is asking me why I'm a 'blank flank,' whatever that is!" he shouted.
Applejack dropped her mouth. Every, and I mean EVERY, pony knows what a Cutie Mark is.
"Wow..." she thought. "Maybe they are from a different world."
Dale woke up from his unconscious state.
"Told you the world was gonna end, Hank. You NEVER believe me."
Hank sighed. "Is NOW the perfect time, Dale?" he said.
Applejack suddenly had an idea.
"Maybe mah friend can help you. She's really smart and has a nice dragon assistant. Careful though, I once saved his life, he was in mah debt, FOREVER."
Bill gasped.
"We get to meet TWILIGHT SPARKLE and SPIKE?" he said with a smile.
Applejack looked at Hank. "If ya'll from 'Earth,'" she said, "how come your friend knows so much about us?"
Hank rolled his eyes. "Trust me. You don't want to know. Lord knows I don't want to know."
"Lord?" Applejack asked. "Just please forget about." Hank said.
Applejack shrugged. These guys must be from a strange world.
"Well I guess we better get to Twi's place." she said
Bill smiled. "I know the way." he said, "It's probably the big tree library, right?"
Applejack nodded and followed Bill.
Hank and his friends also followed Bill.
Applejack had one more question. to ask Hank.
"By the way, what's a narrow urethra?" she asked.
Hank sighed. "This is gonna be a long trip" he thought.
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
"Well we're here." Applejack said.
Hank and his friends arrived at Twilight's library.
Bill let out a tear. "It's bigger than I thought" he said dreamily.
Hank rolled his eyes and knocked on the door.
A small baby dragon opened the door. "Hello?"
Dale gasped and picked up the dragon.
"Holy crap. A dragon! This is much better than aliens!" he shouted.
Dale then shake the dragon like a cocktail. The dragon became irritated.
"Hey! Let go of me!-!" he shouted.
Hank hit Dale on the back of the head.
"Damn it Dale, let him go" Hank commanded.
Dale dropped the dragon. Bill gasped.
"It's Spike! He's more cute than in the TV show!" he shouted with a crazy grin.
Spike looked confused.
"What?" he asked.
Bill pushed him aside and went in the library.
There he saw 5 familiar ponies. Bill screamed like a girl. Then he shouted at the top of his lungs:
"OH MY GOD! IT'S TWILIGHT SPARKLE, RAINBOW DASH, PINKIE PIE, RARITY, AND FLUTTERSHY !"
The 5 ponies just looked at him confused. Bill suddenly fainted.
Cotton walked in, shaking his head.
"Whats wit everyone fainting?" he said.
Applejack, Hank, Dale, Kahn, and Boomhauer walked in.
Applejack noticed Bill on the floor. She grinned weakly.
"Uh...Hey Twi. Why is the gang here?" she asked.
"Just hanging out." Twilight explained. She looked at Hank and his friends. "Who are your friends?" she asked.
Hank introduced himself and his friends (and his father). He also told them their story about how their from another world. The Mane 6, except, didn't believe them until they learned of their lack of knowledge of Cutie Marks. Hank also told them about Bill's mysterious way of knowing Equestria.
Bill eventually woke up.
"Oh my god! I'm your number one fan, Twi!" he shouted.
Twilight looked confused.
"Um thanks?" she said.
Hank sighed and then realized something.
"Wait. Where are we going to live?" he said.
His friends became surprised. They don't know where they're going to live.
Twilight smiled. "If you want...I have an extra room in my home. Not using it anyway."
Pinkie Pie nodded rapidly. "I also have an extra room at my home!"
Rarity smiled. "I have an attic I'm not using. You can live in it. Just try not to touch my designs."
Applejack nodded. "I don't have any extra rooms but you can live in mah barn. Hay's pretty comfortable."
Fluttershy smiled weakly. "My cottage has an extra room. Hope you don't mind that I let animals there."
Rainbow Dash shrugged. "My home is up in the sky. I could take a pegasus in."
Hank blinked. "You girls just met us and already you're offering us a home?"
Boomhauer smiled. "Whoo-ee man these dang o' girls man everybody's best friend, man richest ponies in the world Just like the dang old Jimmy eh yo" he said, ignoring the confused looks on the Mane 6's faces.
Bill sighed happily. "This is why I love you girls." he said dreamily.
After some discussing, it was finally agreed. Hank would live with Twilight, Dale would live with Rainbow Dash, Bill would live with Pinkie Pie, Boomhauer would live with Rarity, Cotton would live with Applejack, and Kahn would live with Fluttershy.
Bill spoke to his friends.
"Maybe we can hang out in the library the next day?" he asked.
Hank took a look at the library, smiled, and said, "Sure. Maybe we can read some of these books and learn more about...umm..."
"Equestria" Bill interrupted.
"Dang o' sounds good." Boomhauer said.
The Mane 6 eventually returned home (since they were finished hanging out), along with their new roommates.
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
Getting Familiar with their Homes
Twilight's Library
Hank Hill looked around the library amazed.
"You have so many books here." he said to Twilight and Spike with a smile.
Twilight smiled. "Thanks, so Applejack said you had a narrow urethra" she said with an amused look.
Hank blushed and gritted her teeth. "She told you that?" he grumbled.
Twilight giggled. "Don't worry. I won't tell anypony" she promised.
"So what did you do on 'Earth' Mr. Hill?" Spike asked.
Hank smiled proudly and said boldly:
"I sell propane and propane accessories "
Spike frowned and scratched his head.
"What's propane?" he asked.
Hank dropped his mouth. A world that doesn't know anything about propane.
Twilight took out a book on Pony Mythology. She turned to the index page.
"Maybe this book will say something about 'propane.' It's P-R-O-P-A-N-E right?"
Hank sighed and sat down disappointed.
"Yep" he said in a melancholy tone.
He closed his eyes and thought how much he was gonna miss propane.
"Oh! Here it is. Propane!" Twilight told Hank.
He opened his eyes and gasped.
"PROPANE?-!" he gasped.
He jumped up and looked at the book Twilight had.
Twilight turned to the propane section of the 'gases' chapter. Hank hoped it had enough propane information.
Sure enough, it did have a lot information about propane.
Hank found a section on where he can get propane. The only problem he's good at selling propane, not finding propane naturally.
"Eh " Hank thought. "I'll figure that out later... "
Twilight and Spike looked at him.
Hank smiled. "I'll go right now!" he said before looking at he clock to see what time is it. "Umm...I mean, first thing tomorrow."
Hank scratched the back of his head, "Um, can you show me to my room?" he asked Twilight.
"Sure thing." she said with a smile.
After Twilight showed Hank his room, he lied on his bed.
"Sweet Lady Propane, here I come." he sighed with a grin.
Rainbow Dash's House
Dale was amazed by Rainbow Dash's home. He thought she would live in a house in the ground, not a house up in the sky!
She smiled. "What do you think?" she asked.
"Looks pretty cool" Dale said. "I would have liked my old home up in the sky, away from the government."
She raised an eyebrow. "Government?" Dale sighed. "Yep. You don't want to know."
Rainbow Dash couldn't help but ask:
"So, what do you do for a living?"
Dale smiled. "Exterminator. I kill insects and rodents, like rats and cockroaches"
Rainbow Dash looked nervous. "You mean like umm...animals?"
Dale smirked. "Yep! squirrels, skunks, hell you name it...except ponies, of course."
Rainbow Dash coughed uncomfortably. She knew Fluttershy wouldn't approve this.
"What do you do for a living?" Dale asked.
"I work at the weather factory" Rainbow Dash answered.
Dale looked surprised. "Pegasus ponies can control the weather?" he asked.
Rainbow Dash nodded. Dale was even more amazed.
"I have GOT to learn how to do that." he muttered.
Rainbow Dash giggled.
"It's not so hard really" she admitted. "So what are you gonna do for work? I mean, the ponies here don't have animal problems. And one of my friends LOVES animals."
There was a long silence. Dale broke the silence. "I have no idea..." he said stupidly.
Rainbow Dash smiled. "I can ask my boss if you can work there."
Dale smiled brightly. "Thanks Rainbow Dash!"
Eventually, Dale yawned. "I might as well rest for a bit" he muttered.
Rainbow Dash showed Dale his room. She was gonna enjoy having him in her home.
Sugar Cube Corner
Bill and Pinkie Pie both walked in, wide grins on their faces.
Bill asked. "So, your aunt and uncle, Mr. and Mrs. Cake, home?"
Pinkie giggled. "YEP! Waitaminute. How did you know about them?"
Bill chuckled at her. "Trust me, if I tell you, you would just end up like Twilight that one time you had the 'Pinkie Sense,' remember?"
She began to jump around, giggling. "Oh yeah! I remember!"
Bill scratched his head. "Long story short, my secret." he said.
Pinkie Pie smiled. "OH! I LOVE SECRETS!-!-!"
Bill smiled happily. Right next to Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie was also his favorite pony.
Eventually they headed to the bakery. There, Pinkie's aunt and uncle, Mr. and Mrs. Cake are there, along with their twins Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake.
"Hi Pinkie." Mr. Cake greeted. "Who's your friend?"
Bill waved his hoof. "Hello. My name is William Fontaine de la Tour D'Haute Rive. You can call me Bill."
He knelt down and patted Pound Cake's head. "You have such cute children Mr. and Mrs. Cake."
Mrs. Cake smiled. "Why thank you."
Pinkie came up to Bill and hugged him. "Hey guys guess what. Bill is from another planet. And he knows a lot about us! EVERYPONY!-!-!"
The Cakes just stood there, blinking. Bill just shrugged and smiled.
Pinkie gave the Cakes her puppy eyes. "Can he PLE-E-E-E-ASE stay here?" she asked.
Mr. Cake sat there thinking. "Umm..."
Bill smiled. "If you want..." he said. "I can help you around the bakery. It's the least I can do!"
Mrs. Cake smiled. "Sure he can stay here"
"YIPIIEE!" both Pinkie Pie and Bill shouted happily.
Pinkie giggled and quickly dragged him to his room.
Bill smiled and chuckled to himself.
"Thanks again, Pinkie Pie" he said. "AND THANK YOU MR. AND MRS. CAKE!-!-!"
Pinkie smiled. "No problem! And please, call me Pinkie" she said.
She left the room, knowing that she is gonna enjoy having him stay over.
Carousel Boutique
After Rarity and her little sister Sweetie Belle showed Boomhauer around, he spoke up.
"I tell you wat man, nice dresses man, looks like Ross, or something"
Sweetie Belle looked confused. "Do you always talk like this?" she asked.
"Dang o' talk like what, man? I always talk this yo" he muttered with a confused look.
Rarity shrugged. "Oh well, thanks for the compliment though. Even though you're just saying that..."
Boomhauer shook his head. "I tell you what man no lies dang o' swear the truth man yo God be my witness"
Rarity blushed while Sweetie Belle asked, "Mr. Boomhauer can I ask you a question?"
"Yo" Boomhauer said with a reply.
"Where's your Cutie Mark?" Sweetie Belle asked.
Boomhauer coughed. "Well you know darling I tell you time don't take from me man. You know life's too short man. You don't want to pay attention to these things all the time forever man. Let it come when it comes you man. Talkin' 'bout let ol' bygones be bygones man. I tell you what man, dang o' I don't know where's my Cutie Mark man yo"
Sweetie Belle frowned. "Oh" she said.
"Why don't you fix up Mr. Boomhauer's room, Sweetie Belle?" Rarity asked.
Sweetie Belle nodded, "Sure thing." she said while going in the attic.
"So what did you do on Earth and um...your real name?" Rarity asked Boomhauer.
Boomhauer cleared his throat. "Hey you can just go ahead and call me Boomhauer man you know dang o' it don't, last name no one's you know dang o' done a lot of different things you know had a job back there man company settlement I get uh work's comp too man you know it's tax free man" he explained.
She stood there confused. "OK..." she said.
Boomhauer nodded. "Yo man" he muttered.
Rarity spoke up. "I prefer LADY" she said with a stern look.
"Dang o' sure whatever" he muttered.
Rarity couldn't help but blush as she showed him to his room.
Sweet Apple Acres
"Well, here we are!" Applejack shouted.
Cotton smirked. "Damn! You harvest this place yerself?"
Applejack grinned nervously. She didn't like to talk about the time she tried to harvest the whole orchard by herself.
"Um, no. Sometimes mah big brother helps me. Oh look! There he is now wit mah family!"
A big red stallion, a small yellow filly, and an elderly green mare walked towards Applejack and Cotton.
"Hey everypony! I want y'all to meet mah new friend, Mr. Cotton Hill!" Applejack said while pointing to Cotton
Cotton coughed. "Call me Cotton. i don't like that Mr. stuff"
"There's here mah lil' sis, AppleBloom" Applejack said pointing to the small yellow filly.
"Howdy!" AppleBloom greeted. "Say, why don't you have yer Cutie Mark?"
Applejack rolled her eyes. "AppleBloom..." Applejack muttered. AppleBloom grinned nervously, "Just asking..." she said.
Applejack pointed to the elderly green mare. "This here's mah granny, Granny Smith."
Granny Smith held her hoof for a shake. "Greetings!" she said. "Not everyday I see a pony about mah age."
Cotton looked at her hoof and then at her, with a raised eyebrow. Granny Smith put down her hoof. "Not the shaking hooves kind, I see" she said.
Applejack pointed to the large red stallion. "And finally, mah big brother Big Macintosh. Along with me, he does most of the farm work, surprisingly good! Right, Big Macintosh?"
Big Macintosh smiled. "Eeyup" he said.
Cotton frowned and narrowed his eyes at Big Macintosh. Cotton heard his son's friends do that "Yup" thing in the alley back in Earth. He had a feeling Big Macintosh was gonna be another Hank.
"At least he doesn't work in a gas station, " Cotton thought.
Cotton slowly raised his hoof towards Big Macintosh. Cotton had a stern look. "Nice to meet you..." he muttered.
Big Macintosh gave a confused look, but shook Cotton's hoof. "Um, same to you?" he said.
Applejack, unaware of Cotton's look on his face, smiled. "I bet y'all will get along jus' fine!" she said.
Cotton narrowed his eyes more and whispered: "Yeah. Just FINE"
Big Macintosh grinned weakly. "I suppose yer staying here?" he asked.
Cotton nodded slowly. "Yeah, if ya want, i can help you-I mean-yer sister wit some of the farm work..."
Granny Smith smiled. "What a gentlepony!" she said.
AppleBloom smiled. "Care to join us for dinner?" she asked.
Cotton shrugged. "Sure," he replied, hoping to be seated away from Big Macintosh.
Fluttershy's Cottage
"Um we're here" Fluttershy said nervously.
Kahn was surprised at the animals at her cottage. "Man, you have a truckload of animals here!"
Fluttershy smiled. She'll take that as a compliment.
Kahn looked happy. That is, until, he realized something.
"I'm in a home with animals. " he thought. "A house with animals, like redneck homes. If Hank Hill had all sorts of animals, he would be Larry the Cable Guy or something. And, yet, I don't think of Fluttershy as a redneck. But, then again, she is pretty nice and pretty cute... "
Kahn eyes widen. "CUTE?-! What the hell did I just thought?-! " he thought, "What about Minh...and Connie?-!-?-! "
"Um are you OK?" Fluttershy asked noticing Kahn's shocked state.
Kahn shook his head and smiled his best.
"Sorry. Just thinking about um...something." he said with a nervous smile.
Fluttershy smiled sweetly until she noticed a white bunny poking her leg. When she turned to the bunny, the bunny pointed to Kahn.
Kahn snarled. "Who are YOU pointing at?" he whispered.
The bunny glared at him while Fluttershy patted the bunny's head and said, "This is my pet rabbit, Angel."
Kahn glared at Angel and whispered, "What a cute bunny..."
Angel stuck his tongue out and walked away.
Kahn rolled his eyes. "So, um, can you show me my room...uh please?" he asked Fluttershy.
Fluttershy smiled and nodded. "Sure thing" she said.
She showed him to his room. "Thanks," Kahn said. "You're welcome," Fluttershy said as she left the room.
Kahn smiled. He was gonna enjoy having her around here.
"Ugh, stop it ," Kahn thought as he lied on his bed. "Remember that you're still married to Minh...and don't forget about that stupid rabbit... "
Twilight's Library
Midnight
Hank lied on his bed with a worried look.
"My friends, Dad, and Kahn are here..." he whispered. "but what about Peggy, Bobby, and some other people I know?"
Hank yawned. "Oh well. I bet they're OK" he said while closing his eyes. Hank had no trouble sleeping.
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
Meeting up with Hank (and His Success)
Twilight's Library
The next day
Hank was busy working on a familiar invention outside the library.
Twilight was rubbing her chin and trying to figure out how his invention worked.
Dale and Bill walked towards the library and smirked when they realized what Hank was building.
"Building a propane grill, Hank?" Dale said.
Hank smirked. "Yup. Managed to learn how to make a grill thanks to Kahn's super robot grill."
Bill blinked. "I didn't know that they had a propane here in Equestria!"
Hank chuckled, "Well about that..."
Earlier...
Hank opened the door and walked in the library, followed by Twilight and Spike. They were all covered in mud, Hank had broken glasses and honey on his face, Twilight's mane was messed up and had twigs sticking out, and Spike had tree sap on his back. Hank went to a table and put down three jars of crude oil he found in the Everfree forest. Hank didn't know how or why crude oil was found in a plant in a forest, but he didn't care, as long as he would make propane.
"Even when I crashed into the bee hive and broke my glasses" Hank said blankly, "I still can't believed that we outran that bear..."
Twilight sighed as she took out a twig out of her mane. "I knew we should have taken Fluttershy." she said.
Spike walked to the bathroom for a bubble bath. "I hope this 'pro-pain' is worth all the trouble" he grumbled.
"Try not to stay in the bathtub too long, Spike!" Twilight yelled as she turned to Hank. "So what now?" she asked. "You got the ingredients, so how do you make this propane?"
"Read the book" Hank replied, "I'll make it as you go along."
Twilight looked at the propane section and said to Hank, "Uh Hank?"
"Yeah?" he said as he took off his broken glasses.
"Uhh..." Twilight said with a worried look. "It only talks about what's in propane, not how to make it."
Hank stood there with widen eyes before it turned to angry eyes as he slammed his hoof on the table.
"DAMMIT!" he yelled. "THAT STUPID BOOK DOESN'T EVEN SAY HOW TO MAKE PROPANE?-!-?-!"
Twilight backed away with a scared look on her face. Spike came in with a towel wrapped around him. He heard the yelling want wanted to know what happened.
"I'M COVERED IN MUD, HONEY, AND MY GOD-DANG GLASSES ARE BROKEN!" Hank shouted, wishing in his mind that his glasses would be fixed.
To his surprise, a magical force surround Hank's glasses and, in an instant, they were fixed.
Hank blinked. "Now how the hell..." he whispered before he realized he was a unicorn, "Oh right...I can use magic, I mean, I AM a unicorn......Magic...MAGIC!" he shouted.
He stepped a few steps back and gulped as he pointed his horn to the jars. "Here goes nothing..." he said as he shot a beam to the jars.
Twilight and Spike stood there, wondering what Hank was doing. Hank stood there, gritting his teeth and closing his eyes as sweat began to drip from his head.
Eventually, an exhausted Hank stopped the beam and fell down. As he sat down on the floor panting, and slowly looked up to the table.
His eyes suddenly widen as he saw a familiar liquid in the jars.
"PROPANE! " he shouted with joy, "I USED MAGIC TO MAKE PROPANE! "
Hank began to jump around happily as Twilight and Spike just stared at him.
Now...
Hank chuckled before turning to Twilight. "Sorry about the yelling." Twilight smiled. "None taken." she said.
"Ugh, look here, mah boy's trying to lawn jockey Ms. Twilight's home" Cotton muttered as he walked towards the library.
Twilight looked confused about the grill Hank was building.
"Propane Grill?" she said with a raised eyebrow "What's that?"
Hank stopped building and explained for a while what propane is, what it can be used for, the grill, how it can grill food.
When Hank just mentioned meats, Bill realized something.
"Uh Hank? I don't think you tell Twi about steak." he whispered to Hank.
Hank looked confused.
"Why not?" he asked Bill.
Then he realized that in Equestria, there were no such things as steaks, or porks, or stuff like that.
Hank looked sad. Bill put a hoof on his shoulder.
"Sorry Hank. But we're ponies. They eat hay, flowers, veggies, you know, pony food."
Hank realized something.
"Maybe I can use my grill to grill pony food!" he said with a smile.
"There you go Hank!" Bill said with a smile.
"Sheesh. Its 7:00 AM and you rednecks already working?" Kahn shouted as he walked towards Hank.
Hank frowned. Kahn was really a pain in the ass. Also, it's not even 7:00 AM, it just still looks sunny.
"Kahn really needs a watch or something," Hank muttered.
"Dang o' yo man" Boomhauer said as he walked towards his friends.
He was wearing a nice tuxedo with a red tie.
His friends just looked at him, both Dale and Cotton trying to hold their laughter.
Twilight blushed. "Oh um nice suit Boomhauer" she said looking away to hide her blushing face.
Boomhauer smirked. "I tell you what man, dang o' Rarity made this for me man yo. Makes me dang ol' Dos Equis I tell you what man dang ol' stay thirsty my friends yo." he said.
Cotton could no longer hold his laughter as he fell to the floor laughing.
Bill just frowned. "I wanted Rarity to make me a dress, shame she didn't get her own episode in Season 3," he muttered.
Hank just rolled his eyes and continued working on his grill.
Cotton walked up to Hank.
"Hey Hank guess what? There's this red horse who says 'Yup' like you. Big Macintosh" Cotton said with a bit of disappointment in his voice.
Hank raised his eyebrow. Sounds like someone he can have a beer.
The thought of the lack of beer Equestria made Hank upset.
"I could use a drink" he muttered as he continued to build the grill.
Bill smiled. "We could go out for some juice." he suggested.
His friends just looked at him strangely...
...and actually thought it was a good idea.
Nighttime
Hank and his friends (except Cotton and Kahn, who were reading some of the books in Twilight's library) stood outside Twilight's library with bottles of juice. They were standing in the same way they did in Earth.
"Yup"
"Yup"
"Yup"
"Mmm hmm"
They just stood outside not saying a word.
Hank spoke up. "Boy I tell you what, I would really like to meet this Big Macintosh" he said.
Bill laughed. "I bet you two will get along!" he said.
Hank just smirked as he sipped his bottle of juice.
As Twilight, Cotton, and Kahn are reading books, Cotton just narrowed his eyes as he read a book about Ponyville history.
"I'm watching you Clifford the Big Red Dog." he muttered with a dark tone, "I don't trust ya or yer big green apple on yer ass..."
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
Meeting Big Mac (and Solving a Problem)
The Next Day
Hank, Bill, and Kahn were heading towards Sweet Apple Acres.
Hank wanted to meet Big Macintosh. Bill also came just in case Hank need any My Little Pony info. Kahn also came because, despite the fact he loathes rednecks, wanted to see them work.
As they walked to the farmhouse, they saw Cotton there with a harness on. He had two barrels of apples in his harness.
"Well well well. If it ain't my good for nuthing boy, Fatty, and Mr. Kahn. What y'll doing here anyway?"
Hank sighed. "Do you know where this Big Macintosh fella is?"
Cotton frowned. "Kicking trees for apples. Heh." he said, shaking his head.
Bill raised an eyebrow. "Sounds like you don't like Big Macintosh." he said.
Cotton rolled his eyes while Kahn smirked. "No wonder. This Mac guy sounds like a hillbilly."
Bill glared at Kahn so hard, that Kahn was scared for a moment.
"DO. NOT. CALL. BIG. MACINTOSH. A. HILL. BILLY." he whispered darkly.
Kahn gulped. "Um...ok" he muttered.
Hank rolled his eyes and walked towards massive apple orchard.
As he walked towards the apple orchard, he saw a Applejack and a huge red stallion come out. Both had a harness with baskets full of apples.
Hank smiled. Bill told him what Big Macintosh looked like so he knew who that huge red stallion is.
"Morning, Applejack." Hank greeted.
Applejack smiled. "Mornin' Hank!" She greeted back.
Big Macintosh smiled. "Howdy. Ah'm Big Macintosh. Applejack told me about ya. Including yer narrow urethra" he said with a raised eyebrow.
Hank gritted his teeth and glared at Applejack. "You told everyone that?..."
Applejack grinned nervously, "Yeah sorry about that...I only told the girls and mah family. I promise to not tell anyone. By the way, it's everyPONY, not everyONE, don't know what that word means..."
Hank sighed a breath of relief. "Yeah...So how's my dad? Causing any trouble?" he asked.
Big Macintosh's eyes widen. "Cotton's yuir father?" he said.
Hank nodded. "Yup." he replied.
Applejack rolled her eyes. "Dag-nab it Big Mac. I told ya that at suppertime when Cotton came to the barn, remember?" she muttered.
Big Macintosh shrugged. "Didn't pay attention" he replied. Applejack grumbled as she headed to the barn. "Of course ya don't" she grumbled on the way.
Hank sighed. "Sadly, I'm considered a disappointment to him." he said to Big Macintosh as soon as Applejack was gone. "He appreciates my younger half-brother, G.H, more than me."
Big Macintosh gave a confused look. "G.H.?" he asked.
"Short for 'Good Hank.'" Hank explained. "He wanted to name him 'Hank' but since it's already taken by me, he calls him 'Good Hank' which makes me feel I'm 'Bad Hank.' Hell, he was even gonna take away my name!"
Big Macintosh frowned. A father who is disappointed by his own son? He wanted say something sympathetic to Hank, but Hank cut him off. "I don't mind." he said. "Don't tell anyone about this, but sometimes, I think he's a jackass"
Big Macintosh sighed. It must be depressing world Hank lives in.
As Hank and Big Macintosh were having a friendly conversation, Cotton walked up to them.
He glared at Big Macintosh.
"Lovely day, huh guys?" he muttered.
Big Macintosh grinned weakly. "Eeyup" he replied. Hank also grinned weakly. "Yup" he replied.
Cotton glared at Big Macintosh at bit more before leaving.
As soon as Cotton was out of sight, Big Macintosh asked:
"It seems yuir father doesn't trust me" he said.
Hank wondered for a bit, then realized why. "Bill told me you say 'Eeyup' a lot" he said.
Big Macintosh grinned. "Eeyup" he said.
Hank nodded. "In my world, me and my friends like to stand around drinking something called beer and say 'Yup' a lot" he explained.
Big Macintosh finally understood. "So yuir dad thinks I'm like you." he said. "I git now. Wow, he must really hate ya..."
Hank sighed. "Try talking to him and tell him you are nothing like me." he said.
Big Macintosh nodded. "He may ignore me, but I'll try" he said.
Just then, Dale came flying towards Hank and landed next to him. His mane is all messed up, his sunglasses are broken and his left eye is twitching.
Hank and Big Macintosh looked at him with worried looks.
Hank spoke up. "Um...Dale? What's wron..."
"HANK! I NEED CIGARETTES! " Dale shouted frantically.
Hank looked confused.
"What?" he asked.
"HANK PLEASE! I NEED CIGARETTES! NO ONE HERE KNOWS WHAT A CIGARETTE IS AND KAHN WON'T MAKE ME ONE! YOU'RE MY ONLY HELP! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HANK! FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA!-!-!-! " Dale shouted frantically.
Big Macintosh looked confused.
"What in tarnation's a cigarette?" he asked.
Hank sighed. "I'll explain another time. Dale, listen..."
Dale interrupted hank by suddenly grabbing Hank's shoulders, constantly shaking Hank back and forth.
"HANK I DO NOT WANT TO LISTEN! I WANT TO SMOKE CIGARETTES! PLEASE, DEAR GOD, MAKE ME A CIGARETTE BEFORE I KILL MYSELF LIKE FANS OF STAR WARS DID WHEN EPISODE 7 WAS ANNOUNCED! " Dale shouted and begged frantically.
Hank sighed even more. He wasn't worried by Dale's behavior since he got used to it.
"Fine, I'll try" he muttered.
Dale hugged Hank tightly.
"THANK YOU! OH THANK YOU! " Dale shouted frantically.
"Let's go visit Ms. Sparkle. Sorry Big Macintosh. I'll talk to you later. Try to tell Cotton you're not like me."
Big Macintosh nodded.
"HERE HANK! LET ME FLY YOU TO TWILIGHT! " Dale shouted frantically.
Dale picked up Hank and placed Hank on Dale's back. Then he flew at a great speed, followed by a "BRWAHH! " sound.
Big Macintosh stood there confused, but then got back to work, constantly reminding himself to talk to Cotton.
Kahn was near Fluttershy's cottage, eating a cupcake Pinkie Pie made for him after he went to visit Sugar Cube Corner. He went to visit her after he immediately got bored at Sweet Apple Acres.
"She may act crazy, but at least she ain't no hillbilly ," Kahn thought.
The cupcake tasted great, but what Kahn didn't like was how Pinkie Pie told him how to make cupcakes...
...by SINGING.
Kahn shuddered. That Cupcake song was still stuck on his head.
He was lucky. According to Bill, there were other songs. This Day Aria, Babs Seed, and Raise This Barn, the song which he dreads the most, since he thinks it sung by rednecks and hillbillies.
Kahn decided to sing a song to help him forget that song.
When he opened the door, he shouted at the top of his lungs:
That's what I like about you You really know how to dance YEAAAAAAHH!
Kahn did not noticed Fluttershy's shocked and surprised look on her face.
She blinded me with science TOO too too She blinded me... with SCIENCE!
When Kahn stopped singing, he noticed the scared look on Fluttershy's face.
"Oh...um...Sorry" he said nervously.
Fluttershy grinned weakly. "That's OK. Just. Don't surprise me like that OK?" he said.
Kahn sighed and smiled softly. "OK. I Promise. Sorry about that."
He went to his room to rest until Fluttershy said:
"By the way, even though you surprised me, you could be a good singer!"
Kahn stopped and turned around with a curious look. "I can?" he asked.
Twilight's Library
"HANK! DEAR GOD HOW FAR ARE YOU DONE? ! " Dale shouted frantically.
Hank was frantically flipping pages on a book about Plant Mythology. He was soaked with water and covered in leaves. Next to him, there was some green leaves on top of a used scroll, sitting on a table.
Twilight and Spike just looked at Dale with scared looks. Dale was twitching and rolling on the floor, foam and mumbles came out of his mouth. Spike suddenly fainted since he could no longer take the pressure from seeing Dale suffer. Twilight just stood there, shocked.
Early on, Hank found a tobacco section in the book and went to the Everfree forest to get some plants. He didn't know why tobacco existed in Equestria, but now wasn't the prefect time to figure out
"I think I figured it out Dale!" Hank shouted. He still wondered how Dale could be like this, but, once again, some other time.
Dale suddenly jumped up and landed next to Hank.
"YOU THINK OR ARE YOU SURE? ! " Dale shouted frantically.
Hank gritted his teeth as he backed away and pointed his.
"Let's find out! Or else I'm soaked, covered in leaves, and outran the SAME GOD-DANG bear for nothing!-!" he shouted.
His horn shot a beam to the leaves and scroll.
Hank gritted his teeth and sweated like when he made propane, only less painful and harder.
Dale seemed to slowly calm down.
When the light disappeared, the scrolls with the leaves turned into these tubes with some brown stuff in the inside of the end.
Dale's jaw dropped. "CIGARETTES! " he shouted. "OH THANK YOU SO MUCH HANK RUTHERFORD HILL! THANK YOU SO much!"
He hugged Hank tightly and took the "cigarette" and put it in his mouth.
Hank rolled his eyes and used his magic to light it.
Dale finally calmed down and walked out of the library, thanking Hank and Twilight.
"Remember Dale! Don't smoke them in front of fillies or colts! Don't want to bring back lung cancer here!" Hank shouted.
As Dale left, Hank began to wonder if this was such a good idea...
Nighttime...
Cotton went into his room, tired from bucking trees. He was actually good at it despite his short back legs.
As he walked to his bed, he heard somepony walking in his room. Cotton turned around and knew who it was.
Giving one of his hateful glares, he said:
"Oh, if it ain't Clifford the Big Red Dog?"
Big Macintosh just sighed.
"Listen, Cotton. We need to talk." he said.
Cotton rolled his eyes and sat in his bed with his arms crossed, ready to hum a song in his head to ignore Big Macintosh.
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
Cotton almost fell asleep until Big Macintosh finished talking to Cotton.
"And that's why I'm not like yuir son, so please stop assuming I'm yer son!"
Cotton growled. "Coming from a horse with a giant green apple on his ass..." he hissed.
Big Macintosh got a little offended but immediately calmed down. Now that Cotton mentioned it, Big Macintosh looked over at Cotton's flank and saw that he had no Cutie Mark.
"Why don't ya have yer Cutie Mark?" Big Macintosh asked.
"How the hell should I know?" Cotton barked. "I don't even know what a goddamn Cutie Mark is! Now get the hell of my sight!"
Cotton grabbed his pillow and threw it Big Macintosh, who dodged the pillow and retreated to his room.
Cotton flew himself on top of the bed, gritting his teeth.
"Oh how I HATE that red piece of..." Cotton whispered.
Big Macintosh was sitting on his bed with a look of concern on his face. He had to do something about Cotton and fast. He knew Cotton was somepony you wouldn't want to mess with, even if he doesn't have a Cutie Mark...
The next morning...
Dale walked in Twilight's library. He saw Spike sweeping the floor.
Dale smiled. "Oh hey Spike." he greeted.
Spike looked up. "Oh hey Dale, if you're looking for Hank, he went to visit Pinkie Pie."
Dale frowned and was about to leave when Spike said, "Oh hey, I got a question."
Dale turned around. "I refuse to give information on where I am from. You may ask your question."
Spike pointed at Dale's flank. "Where's your Cutie Mark?" he asked.
Dale blinked. Bill told his friends what "Cutie Marks" are when they dragged Hank's unconscious body that one time. He turned around and saw that his flank was empty.
Dale shrugged, "I really don't know. But if I had one, I bet it would be fly swatter or something since I was an Exterminator."
Spike gulped. "You...kill...ponies?" he whispered.
Dale shook his head. "Nope. Animals. Like bugs and rats and such."
Spike calmed down a little bit. "Oh. Just don't tell that to Fluttershy. She loves animals, even bugs and rodents like that. I bet she would get upset if she know you kill animals."
Just then, Bill came in with a huge grin on his face. Dale turned to Bill. "What happened Bill?"
Bill turned around to expose his flank. "Check it out!" Bill stated happily. "I finally got my Cutie Mark!"
Dale looked at Bill's Cutie Mark. It was a pair of scissors used by barbers.
Dale blinked and chuckled. "Hey a Cutie Mark! Nice! How did you get it?" he asked.
Earlier...
Hank went to Sugar Cube Corner to check up on Bill.
As soon as he arrived there, he saw Rarity there.
Hank waved his hoof. "Morning Rarity. What're you doing here?" he greeted.
Rarity smiled. "Good morning Hank. I'm just here to buy some cake. Pinkie said that Bill made some new cake."
Just then, Pinkie and Bill came in with a giant red velvet cake.
Bill smiled. "Hey Hank! Just in time! What do you think of my new cake?"
Hank went to sample the frosting but just as he put his hoof on the cake, he noticed it was shaking.
"Um Bill?" Hank said, backing away from the cake. "What is it?" he said, as Rarity started to get worried.
Pinkie and Bill quickly hid behind the counter. "Red exploding velvet cake!" was Bill's answer.
Hank quickly hid behind another counter. Rarity quickly looked for a place to hide...
...but it was too late, the cake exploded and frosting and sprinkles flew and splatted against the walls, counters, everything...including Rarity's mane, which was now messy with frosting and sprinkles.
Bill and Pinkie peeked from the counter and noticed Rarity's mane. "Um Hank?" he said as he covered his ears, along with Pinkie Pie. "Ya might want to cover your ears for this"
Just when Hank wanted to asked why, Rarity let out an agonizing scream that nearly made Hank deaf.
"MY MANE!" Rarity screamed as she glared at Bill. "MY BEAUTIFUL MANE!-!-!"
Bill smiled nervously as he suddenly grabbed a pair of scissors from the counter. "D-D-D-Don't worry Rarity! I-I'll fix this!-!"
He suddenly grabbed Rarity and dragged her to the closet.
Before he shut the door, he told Hank and Pinkie, "It's not what you think. I'm only taking her to the closet because this may not be a pretty sight. This may take awhile."
Bill shut the door while Hank and Pinkie stood there.
"Shall we clean up this place?" Hank suggested. "Okie, Dokie, Lokie!" Pinkie replied with a grin.
Hank and Pinkie cleaned up the shop, hoping this would be quick...they were wrong.
It took about an hour or so just to clean off the frosting off the whole shop.
"Couldn't you taught Bill something else?" said an exhausted Hank who was lying down, panting.
Pinkie just shrugged and giggled as she lied down from exhaustion.
All of a sudden, the closet opened and Rarity stepped out with her mane all fixed.
"Thank you so much Mr. Dautrive! (Oh dear, I hope I'm saying his name right)" Rarity said to Bill.
Bill came out of the closet. "No problem! Sorry about what happened!"
Rarity turned around and smiled as she pointed Bill's flank.
Bill blinked and looked at his flank.
It was a scissors Cutie Mark. Bill smiled and jumped around happily.
"YES!-!-!-!-!" he shouted. "I GOT A CUTIE MARK!-!-! NOW THAT DIAMOND BITCH AND SILVER CRAP CAN'T MAKE FUN OF ME BECAUSE I HAVE A CUTIE MARK!-!-!-! THEY CAN KISS MY BUCKING FLANK!-!-!"
Bill continued celebrating and laughing as Hank, Pinkie, and Rarity stood there.
"Bitch?" Pinkie asked.
"Crap?" Rarity asked.
"Oh God" Hank sighed as he put his hoof on his forehead.
Dale chuckled. "Congrats Bill!" he said.
Bill smiled as he walked away.
Spike blinked. "Diamond Bitch and Silver Crap? Doesn't he mean Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon?"
Dale shrugged. "I guess so. Bill said he hates those two. Didn't say why."
Spike sighed. "Makes sense. Tiara and Spoon enjoys making fun of fillies who don't have their Cutie Marks, especially the Cutie Mark Crusaders." Spike shook his head. "They're nothing but bullies."
Dale put his hoof on his chin. "Someone-I mean- SomePONY should teach those two a lesson...and I guess it's gonna be me... " he thought as he walked away. "Bye Spike!" he shouted.
Spike smiled and waved his hand. "See ya, Dale!" he shouted back.
Kahn practiced his singing with Fluttershy. He started with some vocal practices. He didn't notice Boomhauer was leaning on the doorway. Boomhauer didn't wear his tuxedo since he didn't want it to get dirty.
As soon as Kahn was done, Fluttershy clapped while Boomhauer chuckled and said, "Tell you what man dang o' pretty good singin' man dang old better than Bieber's man yo puked on concert yeah man yo."
Kahn blinked when he noticed Boomhauer there. "Jesus Christ man." Kahn said with a frown. "How long were you standing there?"
Boomhauer continued to chuckle while Fluttershy giggled. "Mr. Boomerang just complimented you Kahn." she said. "Shouldn't you say thank you?"
"It's Boomhauer yo man" Boomhuaer corrected as Kahn rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine, thank you. There. I said it." Kahn muttered.
Boomhauer laughed. "Dang o' trying to get tattoo i tell you what man dang ol' sing man yo."
Kahn blinked. "A singing Cutie Mark?" he asked. "Maybe...I don't know. I'll think about it."
Boomhauer smirked. "Beat you to the dang o' altar man yo." He said as he turned around to show his flank.
He had a Cutie Mark that looked similar to his tuxedo Rarity gave him.
Fluttershy smiled. "Congratulations, Mr. Boom-how-er!" she complimented.
"BOOMHAUER" Boomhauer corrected. "And thanks man yo dang o' wearing my suit man dang o' mares came yo moths to light blushes man yo dang o' followed me dang o' movie star I tell you what man outran them think I'm at bakery or something yo man."
Fluttershy giggled. "A mares stallion? Very interesting."
Kahn just shook his head. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I really need a Cutie Mark," he muttered. "Before that Hank Hill gets one."
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
A Fire-fighting We Will Go!
I have decided to make this chapter based on one of my favorite episodes.
Enjoy!
Interrogation Room
A red unicorn with a grey mane and tail and a fireman's (or firepony's) helmet is pacing back and forth with a pissed look on his face. His Cutie Mark is a flame.
Hank, Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer are sitting down with worried faces. Hank's glasses and Dale's sunglasses are broken. Bill's face has been burned. Boomhauer has a bandage on his ear.
The red stallion, who was the fire chief, glared at Hank and his friends.
"You guys are in BIG BIG trouble!" he barked. "This is the worst offense I've seen in my 14 years of chief fire investigator!"
Bill immediately stood up from his chair. "Dauterive" he shouted. "comma William Fontaine de la Tour comma..."
Hank snapped. "Comma numbskull comma shut up!" he shouted back.
Dale stood up from his seat. "Well gotta go," he said nervously.
The fire chief glared at Dale. "Sit DOWN." he commanded. "Nobody's going anywhere until I found out how this happened. Now, according to Red Blaze's statement, you were reading books inside Miss Sparkle's library."
Twilight's Library
5 days earlier
Hank, Dale, Boomhauer, and Twilight were busy reading books.
Hank was taking a break from building the grill.
Hank spoke up. "I talked to Bill, he said he was gonna be late today."
Just then, they heard a fire truck outside. Hank and his friends stepped outside to see the fire truck stopped in front of the library.
Twilight chuckled. "There's old Red Blaze and his fire truck" she said. Hank blinked. "Fireponies?" he said. "Oh right, Bill said Pegasuses can control weather, like making it rain, used to put out fires..." Twilight shook her head. "Not just Pegasuses. They allow unicorns and Earth ponies who are willing to help Ponyville." she explained.
A light red Pegasus came out of the fire truck. Bill also came out of the fire truck with a firepony's helmet. Hank, Dale, and Boomhauer looked at him with surprised looks.
He ran to his friends. "I'm a firepony!" he shouted with a grin. "I'm a..."
Bill suddenly tripped over a stone. Hank sighed at his clumsiness.
The red Pegasus, who was named Red Blaze, walked up to Hank. "Professional fireponies got the red flu this morning, leaving just us volunteers." he said. "They're holding out for a raise"
Hank spoke up. "They're striking? Well sir, fires don't go on strikes, I tell you what"
Red Blaze smiled. "Your friend Bill came to volunteer. He suggested I volunteer you ponies."
Red Blaze looked at Dale and Boomhauer. "How about the rest of you ponies?" he asked. "You interested?"
"You talking about firemen man? Dang o', talking about 'Rampart 51, Rampart 51. Dang old emergency man.' I got dem shows on tape, man. Dang o' I'd love to help, man."
"Fact." Dale said. "Volunteer fireponies receive sirens for their personal vehicles. Fact!" Dale suddenly realized he has no car or Bugobago. "Oops, never mind" he said.
Hank smiled. Sure he loved propane but he had always wanted to be a fireman, or firepony.
Hank and his friends, in ecstasy, ran to the fire truck.
Outside Ponyville Fire Station
The next day
Hank and his friends are practicing how to use a fire hose. Red Blaze lid a trash can on fire and told Hank and his friends to aim at the base of the fire.
"I don't get it," Dale said while lighting his homemade cigarette. "I'm a Pegasus so can't I just bring a cloud in or something."
Red Blaze shook his head. "Sometimes a fire situation can involve everypony except Pegasuses so it's important that they learn how to handle fires without the use of clouds. Besides, Your friends need to learn how to handle the hose."
He told his partner Flame, a fat red Earth pony with a flame as a Cutie Mark, to turn on the faucet.
Dale had trouble aiming at the base of the fire. Hank shouted. "C'mon Dale! Straighten it out! Watch where you're aiming!"
Dale soon lost control and the fire hose wet Hank, Bill, and Boomhauer. Red Blaze sighed, flew to the sky, formed a rain cloud and put out the fire with rain. Hank, Bill, and Boomhauer glared at Dale as they were drying themselves.
Dale grinned nervously. "Wasn't my fault." he said nervously. "My mask fogged up."
Hank walked towards Dale, opened his mask, and took out the cigarette. "Dammit Dale. The safety and welfare of Ponyville is at stake. Get serious!"
Hank threw the cigarette to the floor and stomped on it.
Flame motioned something to Red Blaze.
Red Blaze nodded. "Good idea Flame. Alright! It's time you ponies met the Jaws "
Flame took out the Jaws and showed it to Hank and his friends, who were all awed at the sight of the Jaws.
Red Blaze explained, "Jaws of Life AKA the Jaws. Victim's trapped in something, this baby will peel it like an orange"
Flame used the Jaws to tear through a metal trash can.
Dale took out a ripe orange. "Yeah? Well, let's see what it does with a REAL orange" he said with a smirk.
Inside Ponyville Fire Station
After some intense training
Bill and Boomhauer are playing ping pong. Dale, Flame, and Red Blaze are sitting on a couch, reading magazines. Hank walked in.
"Blaze I'd thought I'd go ahead and sharpen all the axes" Hank suggested
"Hank's a lumberjack and he's OK" Dale sang.
Both Dale and Flame started laughing. Hank glared at Dale.
"Relax Hank!" Red Blaze replied. "We're off the clock. Hey, say hello to Old Smokey, one of Ponyville's first firepony volunteers!"
He pointed to a dark red stallion with a gray mane and tail and wrinkly skin just like Granny Smith's. Hank walked up to Old Smokey.
"Well, what an honor, sir." Hank said, lifting his hoof for a hoofshake. "Hank Hill."
Old Smokey just burped and said: "Ain't you the idiot that screamed so hard, all of Ponyville heard it? I was taking my afternoon nap that day. Idiot."
Hank sighed. "Um, sorry about that."
Old Smokey rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Yeah. I'm retired now. Who unplugged my sign?" Old Smokey said as he pointed to an electric "Dos A" Apple Cider sign.
"Smokey, you know you can't plug it in." Red Blaze replied. "It don't work right."
Dale stood up. "I'll get it for ya!"
Dale plugs it back in, but receives an electric shock in the process. Flame started to chuckle.
The next day
Hank and his friends were riding on the firetruck. Boomhauer was at the back of the truck. While Dale and Bill were at the front seat. Hank was driving.
Hank spoke to Dale and Bill. "Alright, let's talk about oxygen tanks. The cylinder gauge should be within how many PSI of the regulator gauge? Anyone?"
There was a short silence until Dale broke it.
"I am protesting the results of last night's ping pong tournament." he said. "Boomhauer cannot play the ball off of Bill's head!"
"No...we all agreed my head's in the play." Bill replied.
Hank noticed the fillies and the colts from school playing a pony version of football. All of them were muddy from playing.
Hank smirked and said through the fire truck's intercom: "In the first round the Dallas Cowboys select Apple Bloom left tackle. Heh heh."
The fillies and colts ran towards at the firetruck. Apple Bloom smiled at Diamond Tiara.
"I told ya mah friend's son was a firepony." she said.
Diamond Tiara frowned. "He's a volunteer." she said.
Silver Spoon frowned with her. "Yeah. A volunteer." she said.
Bill suddenly gritted his teeth the minute he heard two familiar voices. "Great." he whispered. "It's Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon..."
Dale raised his eyebrow. "So that's the Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon Bill was talking about..." he thought.
Scootaloo shouted. "Oh! Mr. Gribble! Remember me? It's Scootaloo!"
Dale chuckled. "How can I forget you Scootaloo?" he said.
"We're muddy!" Scootaloo shouted. "Can you hose us off?"
Dale smirked as he got off the truck. "Sure! I'll open up the hydrant."
Hank frowned. "Dale, the hydrants are for fire emergencies."
Silver Spoon smirked. "They don't know how to open a hydrant." she said.
Diamond Tiara laughed. "Because they're volunteers." she said coldly.
Hank and Bill glared at Diamond Tiara.
"Miss, you're about to get VERY, VERY wet." Hank said.
"The wettest you will be, you two little bitches." Bill whispered.
Hank immediately turned to his friends and shouted, "Firepony Gribble! Drill time! Get me the hydrant wrench! Mr. Boomhauer, I need you to run a 3 inch hose! Bill, hook it up!"
Each of Hank's friends followed their orders. Boomhauer took the hose from the truck, Bill hooked it up, and Dale got the hydrant wrench. Dale tries to turn the wrench on the hydrant but can't.
"It's stuck" he muttered.
Hank pushed Dale to the side. "That's because you're turning it the wrong way. Give me the wrench!"
Bill's eyes widen. "No! Wait!"
The hydrant suddenly shot water on Bill.
"Shut it off!" Hank shouted. "SHUT IT OFF!"
Dale attacked the hydrant with the wrench. Hank pushed him aside and tried to shut it off.
"Dammit Dale! You stripped the bolt!" Hank yelled.
"Wasn't me." Dale muttered as Bill was getting wet.
Boomhauer ran towards the hydrant with the Jaws .
"Hey man yo dang o git out the way man," he shouted.
"Quit it, knuckle head!" Hank shouted. "The Jaws ain't for that!"
Boomhauer ignored Hank and cut through the hydrant, creating a geyser of water.
All the colts and fillies stood there with shocked looks on their faces.
Hank, Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer just stood there. Dale suddenly used his wings to fly away. "If anypony asks, it was Diamond's and Silver's fault!" he shouted as he flew away.
Bill pointed to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. "YA HEARD THAT? IT'S YOU TWO BRATS' FAULT! " he shouted furiously before running away.
Interrogation Room
"So you were the ones who busted that hydrant. We got an anonymous call it was a bunch of fillies"
Dale spoke up. "Bunch of fillies? I gave you names! Tiara, Diamond! Spoon, Silver!"
Bill spoke up. "It was Dale."
Boomhauer stood up. "Dang o Dale who took dem Jaws of Life ," he muttered as he bonked Dale and Bill's heads together with his wings.
Hank sighed. "The hydrant's the least of our problems. He doesn't care about that."
"He's right." the chief barked. "I don't. You have half-wits could be looking at jail time!"
Dale cleared his throat. "Uh...my name is Shackleford. Rusty Shackleford. I refuse to speak without my attorney"
Dale stood up and took off his hat. "I am Mr. Shackleford's attorney, Rusty Shackleford." he said. "My client pleads insanity."
Bill stood up. "My name is Dauterive comma Bill...and I am also insane." he said.
Hank just groaned as he put his hoof to his face.
Dale took out a letter and a pen.
The fire chief got angry. "Gribble, you've had your letter" he said.
"I know but now I'm making it as Rusty Shackleford." Dale said as he wrote a letter to Rainbow Dash.
"You see what I have to deal with?" Hank replied.
The fire chief sighed. "Let's just get back to the matter at hand. Now, after you broke the fire hydrant..."
Inside Ponyville Fire Station
After the hydrant incident
Hank and his friends are resting, trying not to think about what happened.
Hank spoke up. "Please guys. We've been given a once in a lifetime opportunity here, now let's not do anything more to screw this up. Now how about running some ladder carry drills?"
"Not interested." Dale replied. "You pushed me aside and made me look like a fool in front of those poor children, including Scootaloo."
Old Smokey suddenly woke up and looked at Dale. "Hey sage. Plug in my 'Dos A' sign will ya?"
"Better not Dale." Hank said. "Remember? It doesn't work right."
Dale just sang as he reached to plug in the sign.
Big Adventures Tons of Fun A Beautiful Heart Faithful and Strong Sharing Kindness Is a easy feat
Bill smiled while Dale smirked. "What can I say? I'm a quick learner" he said as he put the plug in the outlet.
Hank glared at Dale and unplugged the sign. "I said not to" he said sternly.
And magic makes it all complete Dale sang as he crossed his arms.
Bill took out a can labeled VEGGIES.
"Hey I found a can with all kinds of vegetables." he said. "You know, I bet we can use this lid as...a Frisbee! Catch Hank!"
Bill, by accident, threw the lid at Boomhauer's ear.
Boomhauer immediately got up and shouted. "What the dang ol' ear man. What are you think you doing man? Dang o' fatty belt buckle man"
Boomhauer took the lid and threw it, missing Bill and hitting a window.
Red Blaze walked in. "What the...? What's going on back here?"
Hank spoke up. "I'll take care of it. Boomhauer, put some ice on that ear. Bill, you fix the window. Dale, you..."
Dale stood up, waving his hoofs in front of him. "No! No more orders! Blaze, I cannot work with this man here. I want a transfer!"
Hank shouted, "Dale, shut up! You're acting like an idiot!"
Do you know you're all my very best friends? Dale sang furiously.
Red Blaze shouted, "That's enough! Now either you ponies get along, or I'll find four others who can!"
Hank dropped his jaw, along with his friends.
Inside Ponyville Fire Station
Nighttime
Hank walked in the fire station and saw that inside was messy. He was carrying an apple pie wrapped in tin foil. He saw Boomhauer reading a magazine Bill and Dale playing volleyball with the fire hose.
"You can't use the fire hose like that!" he shouted. "You'll damage the elasticity!"
"Whatcha got under the foil Mr. Party Pooper?" Dale replied. "Some Party Poop?"
"Um...Applejack made some apple pie for us" Hank said while taking down the fire hose.
"Hey yo." Boomhauer replied as he got up to bake the pie.
He took the apple pie and took it to the oven.
Bill talked to Dale. "Hey Dale, I was ahead when Hank ruined our game, so I win right?"
"Wrong." Dale said. "You automatically lose. But I'll go double or nothing on the ping pong court"
"Alright" Bill said. "OK" Dale said.
They both went to the ping pong table to play ping pong.
Moments later...
Hank is trying to sleep but Bill and Dale are still playing ping pong.
"OK fellas. Time to hit the hay! Knock it off!" he shouted.
"The game's not over." Dale shouted back.
"Pick it up tomorrow!" Hank shouted furiously.
Boomhauer took the pie from the oven.
"Hey man heads up man dang o' hot apple pie man" he shouted.
Hank went to the ping pong table and took the ball.
"Give me the ball dammit" he shouted.
He crushed the ball with his hoof.
"There." he said.
Bill looked at the ball then took Hank's glasses, put them on the floor, and stomped on them.
"There!" Bill said happily.
Hank gave Bill an angry glare almost as worst as "The Stare"
Bill grinned nervously.
"Dang it Bill!" Hank shouted as he chased Bill. "That was my only pair of glasses!"
"Dang it Hank! That was our only ball!" Dale shouted back.
Dale took the apple pie from Boomhauer and threw it at Hank.
Hank ducked and the apple pie hit Bill. Bill took out the pie and screamed in pain. His face was burned. He threw the pie at Dale.
"Hey man dang ol' put a scarf on that man," Boomhauer replied.
Dale dodged the pie and laughed at Bill.
"My face hurts." Bill muttered.
Hank started to chase Bill.
"And it's gonna match your flank when I'm done kicking it!"
Hank chased Bill, who was running up the stairs.
"Why are there so many stairs?-!" Bill shouted as he ran up the stairs. "Damn you, King Sombra!-!"
Hank ended up bumping into walls because of his lack of glasses.
He chased Bill until Bill went to the fire pole and ended up stuck on the fire pole. Hank sighed and went back to bed.
"GOOD NIGHT!" he muttered as he shut off the light from the lamp.
Then he heard sounds coming from the ping pong table.
"ARE YOU GUYS PLAYING WITH THAT BUSTED BALL NOW? !" he shouted.
Hank grabbed his mane and let out a deep groan.
He wen to the ping pong table and took the ball.
Red Blaze came in. "I've got bad news ponies." he said sadly. "Old Smokey died. Nature causes."
Hank, Dale, and Boomhauer became disappointed.
Bill just farted. Red Blaze became mad.
"Oh for crying out loud!" he hissed as he left.
The next day
The fire chief, Red Blaze, Flame, Cotton, Kahn, and the Mane 6 are in Old Smokey's funeral. Hank and his friends are bringing the coffin to the grave.
Hank's glasses were fixed improperly with tape.
"C'mon Hank pick up the pace!" Dale spoke up.
"I can't see where I'm going...Damn you Bill" he said while glaring at Bill.
"Shh! Man dang o disrespectful man" Boomhauer whispered. "Dang o LIFT Bill!"
"I AM! It's Dale!" Bill replied. "He's faking it!"
"Am not." Dale said. His hoof was below the coffin.
Hank became mad.
"Dale, no wonder my end feels so heavy." he said. "Get your hands on the casket!"
"It's bad luck!" Dale replied.
Hank's glasses fell and as he reached down to grab them, he fell down the open grave, along with his friends. Boomhauer, by accident, grabbed Old Smokey's funeral pants.
"Told ya it was BAD LUCK" Dale muttered.
Everyone else looked down on the open grave with shocked faces except Cotton, who was smirking and chuckling.
Inside Ponyville Fire Station
Hank and his friends are resting. Hank has a pissed look on his face.
Dale tried to talk to him. "Hank I wanna offer..."
"DON'T." Hank interrupted.
Dale continued. "I mean I just wanted to..."
"NO." Hank interrupted. "YOU CANNOT SPEAK TO ME EVER AGAIN."
"That goes for me too, faker," Bill replied as he ate cupcakes.
"Why don't you eat some cupcakes?" Dale talked back. "That's all you ever do is eat cupcakes. No wonder you WERE bald and your wife left you on Earth"
"Dang ol' amen" Boomhauer muttered.
"Hey...I'm burned" Bill said as he pointed to his burnt face.
"All of you, go to bed" Hank spoke up.
"Its 4 in the afternoon!" Dale replied.
"What did I tell you about talking to me?" Hank said.
Bill stood up.
"Stop the fighting!" he shouted. "This is no way to honor the memory of Old Smokey!"
Dale sighed.
"I think I shall honor Smokey's memory by plugging in his beloved 'Dos A' Apple Cider sign." Dale said as he plugged in the sign. Hank unplugged it. Dale plugged it back in it.
Just then the fire alarm went off.
Hank was suddenly happy. "Our first fire! C'mon!"
Hank and his friends prepared and went to the fire truck and headed out to the fire, which was at Sugar Cube Corner.
As Hank and his friends arrived at their destination, they got out of the truck and went to the fire...
...only to see Red Blaze put out the last fire.
"Fire's out, ponies" he said.
Hank sighed. "Oh. Well, that's good, I guess?"
"I was down at the street having a plaque made." Red Blaze said. "I'd thought we'd rename the station 'Old Smokey Firehouse' since he didn't get a DECENT BURIAL."
All of a sudden, they heard people screaming "FIRE!"
"Where is it? !" Red Blaze shouted.
Hank narrowed his eyes as he looked at the source of the screaming ponies.
"Oh my God..." he muttered.
The fire station was burning to the ground.
Hank and his friends arrived.
"Where do you want us chief?" he asked.
"Back in the grave with Old Smokey!" the fire chief shouted back.
Dale took the plaque and put it on top of the ruins.
"Ahem. I hereby dedicate you the 'Old Smokey Firehouse'" he said.
Interrogation Room
Hank spoke up.
"Sir, I've kept a journal of all the violations these 3 nincompoops committed and I'd be happy to turn..."
Dale interrupted Hank.
"I've read that journal, it's all lies! Hank did it! Bill did it too! I BEG THEM NOT TO! !"
Bill stood up and started to choke Dale.
"Why you chicken-necked flank, I'll KILL YOU ! ! !" Bill screamed as he got up and started to beat up Dale.
Eventually the rest of the guys (ponies?) started fighting.
"Oh for Celestia's sakes..." the fire chief muttered as he used his magic to stop the fighting.
Hank and his friends stopped fighting.
The fire chief became more pissed.
"Well, I'd thought you guys had reached your peak when you pants Old Smokey in his funeral." he said with a frown. "But then you outdid yourself by burning down your own FIRE HOUSE !"
"Not me." Hank replied. "It was these screw ups."
"Well maybe this is a wrong time to bring this up, but we are only volunteers." Bill replied nervously.
"We're going to go over every minute about what happened before you lame brains left for Sugar Cube Corner." the fire chief growled. "Then I'll know which one of you to bring up on charges."
Hank and his friends gulped at the same time.
The fire chief pointed at Dale.
"Gribble you first" he growled.
Dale spoke up. "Well, as usual..."
Dale's story
A buff Dale is smoking and checking the smoke alarm.
...I was performing fire safety checks on the station house.
Bill ate apple pie without his hooves.
Bill had his face buried in apple pie.
Hank screamed at Dale like a drill instructor.
Hank was giving orders for a change.
Boomhauer was working on his tan.
And Boomhauer thought being a firepony meant a chance to work on his tan. Of course he didn't realize his tanning lotion had been replaced by some IcyHot Hank bought for top secret purposes.
Dale laughed as he saw Boomhauer trying to wipe the IcyHot off of him.
But then the fire alarm went off, and Boomhauer knocked over his tanning lamp as he bolted upright. I raced for the firetruck at lightning speed.
Dale smirked and then flicked the lit cigarette to the ground.
"Uh...Uhh...That's all I remember" Dale muttered.
"No way" Boomhauer grumbled. "Dang o' Gribble tell dang o crazy crap man. I'll tell what happened man. Dang o' truth man Bill man throw BOOM right in my ear man."
Boomhauer's story
Dale was disabling the fire alarm.
"Hey man tell you what dang o detector talk about government freedom of smoke man tell you what dango yeah man. " Dale said.
He bumped into Hank, who had a pissed look on his face.
"Hey man I'll tell you what man dang o boy ain't right man talk about kick him dang o ass man" Hank said.
Boomhauer spoke up.
"For Celestia's sakes, Hank. Act like a grown stallion, man. And keep it down ponies, will you? I am trying to get through an article on Gabby Gums and I've been on the same dang page for 20 minutes." Boomhauer said.
Bill took out apple pie from a toaster oven.
"Dang ol' pretty pretty pie I tell you what" Bill said.
Bill had forgotten the toaster oven as it began to burn.
"So you're saying that Bill left the oven on?" the fire chief said.
"Not true." Bill replied. "OK. I have a weakness for pies..."
Bill's story
A fatter pony version of Bill, with no mane or tail, took out the pie out of the oven.
"...I have a lot of weaknesses, actually but I remember turning off the oven!"
He began to eat it without hooves. He then took out a bag of marshmallows and began cooking one marshmallow over the stove.
"Let's see. Uh...then I had myself a little dessert...Oh my..."
He had forgotten the stove as it began to burn.
"Uhhhhh...OK...uhhhhh...so I turned off the toaster oven, just like I said!" Bill said.
"Well what happened after the fire alarm went off?" the fire chief replied.
"Uhh...I was in the garage. Dale was switching the oxygen tanks." Bill explained.
"What do you mean switching the tanks?" the fire chief replied.
"Why would you switch the oxygen tanks?" Hank spoke up to Dale.
Dale answered, "Oh let's face it. Me, Bill, and Boomhauer had no idea what we were doing. You're the only real firepony among us. I saw your tank was running low and mine was full. And I'd know you'd need every molecule of oxygen to carry our charred bodies out of that raging inferno"
Hank smiled at Dale's selflessness while the fire chief said, "So! The fire could have been caused by Gribble's smoking, Boomhauer's tanning, or Dauterive's cooking"
"It could have been, but it wasn't." Hank spoke up. "And I'd tell you why it wasn't I tell you what"
Hank's story
We had finally realized our boyhood dreams...
...we became firefighters...
...except instead of fighting fires we were busy fighting each other.
Anyway, the fire alarm went off...
...And I sprung into action.
I turned off the lamp...
...turned off the stove...
...and put out the cigarette.
I ran toward the fire truck and saw Dale fiddling on the back. I didn't know he was busy switching the oxygen tanks, awfully nice thing to do since we weren't on speaking terms.
"Still aren't." Dale interrupted.
Hank continued his story.
Then I pulled my blinker on to pull out.
Wait a minute...
...I remember seeing some kind of yellow light in the mirror.
I know what caused that the fire!
Somepony plugged in that stupid 'Dos A' Apple Cider sign!
"And I'll tell you what that somepony had to be!" Hank said as Dale started to shake in fear.
"that somepony had to be..." Hank said before he looked at Dale began to shake more.
Hank remembered Dale's selfless act and then said, "...Old Smokey."
"I did not...OLD SMOKEY!" Dale interrupted.
"Yup. Smokey loved that sign. But the dang thing didn't work right. It was just a real fire hazard. Isn't that right, Dale?" Hank said.
"Uhhh...Yes. Old Smokey must of plugged that sign in the last time he was in the station. What a MORON, may he rest in peace. Right, Bill?" Dale said.
"Right. Sounds like Smokey." Bill said, nodding.
Hank, Bill, and Dale looked at Boomhauer, hoping he would agreed with them.
'Tell you what man go drag Smokey's name through the mud, man. Dang o DALE's the one who did it man dang o leave Old Smokey alone man" Boomhauer said while pointing to Dale.
The fire chief thought for a while and and replied, 'So each of everyone of you believes that Old Smokey started that fire"
Everyone nodded, except Boomhauer, who just sighed.
The fire chief sighed. "Well it doesn't surprise me." he muttered. "I told him a half a dozen times not to plug in that sign. I don't know. Smokey was one buck of a firepony. I'd hate to soil his good name."
"Well, I guess we could just call it an electrical fire" Hank suggested. "Accidents do happen."
The fire chief thought for a moment.
"Good idea. That's what we'll do" he said.
He opened the door. "You're free to go" he muttered as he left the room.
As he left, Bill told his friends: "Well I heard Applejack's looking for some ponies for the Applebuck Season"
"NO." Hank interrupted.
"It's all the apple cider we can drink!" Bill said with a smile.
Hank eventually smiled.
"OK." he said. "I could use a cider."
"Yup," Dale said.
"Yup," Bill said.
"Mmm hmm," Boomhauer said.
Hank and his friends exited out of the room.
"Anypony sensing Deja Vu?" Dale said as they went out of the room.
Sweet Apple Acres
Nighttime
As Big Macintosh went into his room, he noticed Cotton throwing homemade darts at a poorly drawn picture of Big Macintosh.
Big Macintosh started to growl but immediately calmed down.
He went to his room with a scowl on his face.
"I'll talk to that Cotton fella." he growled. "And if he doesn't listen to me, I'd MAKE him."
He didn't notice that Cotton was listening to him.
With a smirk, Cotton whispered, "We'll see, you red son of a bitch...we'll see..."
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
Sweet Apple Acres
The next day
Hank and his friends are heading towards Sweet Apple Acres for jobs and, hopefully, cider.
Bill sighed at the sight of the massive apple orchard. "Ah, will you look at that...just like Apple Famliy Reunion. Raise This Barn, Raise This Barn...!"
"Bill, now is the best time?" Hank muttered. "Sorry." Bill said with a nervous grin.
Hank rolled his eyes and saw Applejack.
He smiled and spoke up. "Hey Applejack."
Applejack smiled. "Howdy fellas! What brings ya here?"
"I heard you needed help on the Applebuck Season." Bill replied.
Applejack nodded. "I do need some help." she said. "Mind if ya fellas help?"
Boomhauer nodded. "Tell ya what man yea man happy to help dang o' helping hands or man hooves man yo dang o applebuck season? Dang what is that man yo?"
Bill answered, "You harvest apples!"
Dale was confused. "HOW? Do we use some sort of harvest machine or something?"
Bill smirked "Come on, follow me! I'll teach you. I think I know how to do it."
Applejack smiled. "C'mon I'll give ya fellas your harnesses."
As Hank and his friends followed Applejack, Hank asked, "How's my dad?"
Applejack grinned. "He's getting along mighty well wit mah family, especially Big Mac." She replied. "Why do ya ask?"
Just then they saw Cotton flew and crashed into an apple tree. Applejack, Hank, Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer were shocked at the sight and saw Big Macintosh, with a furious look on his face.
Earlier
Cotton was busy bucking apple trees. He didn't notice somepony walking up to him.
"Listen Cotton." a voice said behind Cotton.
Cotton waved him off with his hoof. "Shut your mouth, Clifford the Big Red Dog." he growled. He knew it was Big Macintosh.
"WILL YA JUST LISTEN TO ME?" Big Macintosh growled with a furious look.
Cotton turned around and smirked.
"And what makes you think I would do that?" he said evilly.
Big Macintosh continued to growl.
"FOR CELESTIA'S SAKES ," he shouted. "IF YA DO NOT SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME...! "
Cotton continued to smirk. "What are you going to do?" he contiunued, humored by Big Macintosh's furious face. "Say 'Yup' and drink beer and crap like that? Like mah pathetic son? Sell fuel and work in a gas station? Like mah stupid son? Get a narrow uthera? Like mah idiot son? Huh, Big MOTHERFUCKER ?
Cotton spat in Big Macintosh's face and started to laugh.
Big Macintosh snapped. He slowly wiped the spit from his face and quickly turned around and bucked Cotton on the face. Cotton flew and collided with a tree.
Now
"Big Macintosh!" Applejack screamed. "What in tarnation are ya doing?"
Before Big Macintosh could answer, Cotton immediately got up and headbutted Big Macintosh.
Cotton laughed. "Is that all you got, Kool-Aid?" he said with a laugh.
"DAD! STOP!" Hank shouted.
Big Macintosh got up, his nose was broken and was leaking blood. He charged at Cotton.
Cotton dodged and kicked Big Macintosh on the flank.
Big Macintosh got more pissed and kicked Cotton on the face.
Cotton flew and hit an apple tree but got up right away, blood dripping from his nose.
He started to laugh evilly which made Big Macintosh even more mad.
"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YUIR DAMN LAUGHING! ! ! ! ! " Big Macintosh roared.
He ran up to Cotton and headbutted him so hard that when Cotton got up, there was some blood from his mouth.
Cotton charged and uppercutted Big Macintosh. He crashed into a tree and laid there, breathing. More blood came from his nose and mouth, along with a purple eye and a broken tooth.
Big Macintosh slowly got up and glared at Cotton. Cotton glared at Big Macintosh...
...
...and started to roar with laughter.
Big Macintosh gritted his teeth.
"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?" he shouted.
Cotton smiled. "You're fucking strong! " he said, ignoring the blood that was coming from his mouth. "You actually kicked my ass. Even mah own son can't kick my flank and he probably has more balls than ya! Maybe you ain't like my son, after all. I had you wrong!"
Cotton smiled and raised his hoof towards Big Macintosh.
Big Macintosh glared at Cotton...
...and smiled, as he shook Cotton's hoof. At least Cotton knew that I'm not like his son, Big Macintosh thought.
"You got blood on your nose." Cotton said. pointing to Big Macintosh's nose.
Big Macintosh wiped the blood on his nose.
"Thanks. Ya also got some blood on yuirs."
Cotton smiled and wiped the blood on his nose.
Big Macintosh smiled and pointed to Cotton's flank.
Cotton blinked and was surprised to see what was in his flank. A brass knuckle Cutie Mark.
Cotton chuckled. "It may not be a rifle with a helmet" he said. "But at least people know I kick ass! Damn I'm hurt bad! I'm goin' to the barn. Ya coming Mac?"
Big Macintosh chuckled. "Eeyup." he said as he followed Cotton.
Cotton sighed. "Do that Yup thing and I'll gut ya, OK?" he said with a smile.
Big Macintosh just chuckled and shook his head as he followed Cotton to the barn.
They didn't notice Applejack, Hank, Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer standing there confused.
"Well, at least now they don't hate each other" Hank said with a weak smile.
Applejack nodded and smiled weakly. "I guess yuir right." she said.
Hank, Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer followed Applejack to harvest some apples, trying to forget what just happened.
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
Rainbow Dash's House
After 2 hours of bucking trees
Dale was flying towards Rainbow Dash. He couldn't wait to lie down after hours of kicking trees. He also seriously needed a cigarette. He had one or two in his room. Hank recommended that he shouldn't smoke since it's bad for the ponies, but Dale wouldn't mind giving Equestria lung cancer if it meant smoking a cigarette.
Dale smiled as he walked inside and saw Rainbow Dash, sitting on the couch. "Hey Rainbow Dash!" he shouted.
Rainbow Dash smiled. "Hey Dale." she said before getting up and scratching her head. "Umm...can I ask you something?" she asked.
Dale nodded. "Maybe." he said.
Rainbow Dash frowned. "Who's Rusty Shackleford?"
Dale's eyes widen.
"Umm..." he muttered as he slowly headed for the door.
Dale reminded himself to thank Bill for telling him some My Little Pony info.
"LOOK! THE WONDERBOLTS!" he shouted as he pointed to a window.
Rainbow Dash turned around to the window.
"WHERE? !" she said frantically.
She turned around and saw Dale opening the door.
She quickly flew to block the door, smirking.
Dale gulped and said, "Ya wanna do this the hard way? OK...PREPARE TO BE DESTROYED BY THE DEADLIEST OF ALL MARTIAL ARTS...MONKEY STYLE !"
He started acting like an angry monkey, which made Rainbow Dash laugh.
When she was on the floor laughing, she noticed Dale successfully make his escape.
She got angry but started to giggle.
"I'll talk to him later." she said to herself. "And I'll make sure he doesn't try to escape..."
As Dale flew away, he thought about how he would deal with Rainbow Dash when he returns...
Twilight's Library
Dale flew to the library and smirked when he saw something he had thought was left behind on Earth.
Hank using his propane grill outside.
He walked towards Hank and saw that he was grilling carrots.
Hank offered one to Twilight.
She blew on it softly and slowly chewed it and smiled.
"This is actually pretty good!" she said. "Now I know how you got your Cutie Mark."
Hank smiled and turned around to see his flank. His grill was a success and gave him a propane tank Cutie Mark.
"How's it going, Mr. Gribble?" Twilight asked Dale.
Dale looked nervous. "Um...OK, OK...please call me Dale OK?" he said. "Oh! And Congrats on your Cutie Mark Hank!"
Hank smiled as he grilled the carrots.
"Um...hey Twi?" Dale asked Twilight. "You got an extra jacket I can borrow?"
She smiled. "Sure." she said as she went inside.
Hank frowned as he grilled the carrots. "Why does Dale need a jacket? " he thought. "It's not even that cold... "
Twilight came with a plain purple jacket. "Here you go." she said as she gave the jacket to Dale. "You can keep it if you want."
Dale smiled. "Um...thanks...oh also...do you know where the Ponyville school is again?"
Ponyville Schoolhouse
Dale flew to the schoolhouse and, luckily for him, saw a sandbox there.
Dale also noticed Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon sitting on a bench, reading magazines.
Surprisingly, he saw Bill hiding in a bush with binoculars, occasionally using them to spy on the two fillies.
Dale walked towards the bush with a raised eyebrow. "Hey Bill." he said.
"SHH!" Bill shushed. "Please keep it down! I don't want those two little bitches to know I'm spying on them!"
Dale smirked. "Let me guess. You want to find their weak spots and get revenge on them, right?"
Bill slowly nodded. "Those two done so much. I'll never forgive them. I'd rather tongue-kiss Hank than to forgive them."
Dale nodded. "I've heard about them. If you want, since I'm a professional, I can help you bring those two down."
Bill smiled brightly. "You will?-!" he said. Dale nodded. "Sure. I just met them and already I don't like them."
Bill chuckled evilly. "Laugh all you want Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Soon I'LL have the last laugh...By the way, Dale, what are you doing here?"
"Personal purposes," Dale answered as he walked to the sandbox and took some sand...
Rainbow Dash's House
Nighttime
Rainbow Dash was sitting on the couch, waiting for Dale.
She made sure that he wouldn't get away this time.
Dale flew towards Rainbow Dash's home, wearing the purple jacket.
When he went inside, he saw a smirking Rainbow Dash on the couch.
"I knew you'd come back." she said as she stood up. "Nopony ever leaves without answering my question. Now tell me. WHO'S RUSTY SHACKLEFORD?"
Dale looked nervous. "That's classified information!" he shouted.
Rainbow Dash looked angry and walked towards Dale slowly.
Dale gulped and reached for the pocket on his jacket...
"POCKET SAND! ! ! ! ! ! " he shouted as he threw some sand at Rainbow Dash's face, blinding her.
She screamed and rubbed her eyes. She then had a pissed look on her face, with red eyes from the sand.
Dale realized that this was probably a bad idea all along.
She jumped on him and started to punch Dale on the face repeatedly.
Dale started to scream. "OH GOD! STOP! PLEASE! I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING! ANYTHING! RUSTY SHACKLEFORD! MAYAN APOCALYPSE! STAR WARS 7! HARLEM SHAKE! SUPER BOWL BLACKOUT! ANYTHING TO MAKE YOU STOP! "
When she got her sight back, she realized what she did.
She gasped and jumped off of Dale, saying: "Oh my Celestia...Dale...I'm...I'm...sorry..."
She then flew at her room at a great speed, with tears in her face.
Dale just laid there. "Jesus Christ..." he muttered as he put a hoof on his face.
He sighed and knew what to do. Something he would thought he would never do. Tell a personal secret. On purpose.
He walked into Rainbow Dash's room. He saw Rainbow Dash, crying on her bed.
Dale smiled weakly. "Um...Hey Rainbow Dash," he said nervously as he took off his sunglasses and put them in the other pocket in his jacket.
She looked at Dale and jumped up at Dale, hugging him tightly and sobbing on his shoulders.
"Dale...I'm sorry..." she whispered.
Dale sighed and looked sad.
"No Rainbow Dash. I'M sorry. I shouldn't have threw that sand on you. It was my fault."
Dale sighed again and told his secret.
"Rusty Shackleford...is my alias, you know, a false name used to conceal one's identity. Back in Earth, I didn't want anyone, well, maybe except my friends, to know my name, so I took a name from a classmate whom I thought was dead. Ever since then, I used that name...I didn't want anyone- I mean anypony- to know, so..."
Rainbow Dash looked at Dale with her sad eyes.
"I'm still sorry for beating you..." she said.
Dale waved her off with his hoof.
"I already told you. It's my fault. I should have just told you in the first place. You don't have to apologize." he said while looking at her eyes.
Rainbow Dash stopped crying and hugged him tightly, smiling.
"Thanks Dale." she said.
Dale was confused. He had this strange feeling. He wondered if..."NO!" he thought. "I'm goddamn married! I couldn't be in...Holy shit... "
Rainbow Dash thought the same thing. "What the... " she thought. "When I'm around Dale...I get this feeling...Love?...NO!-!...Can it? "
She suddenly gave Dale a quick peck on the cheek, but very quickly.
Dale just stood there with a surprised look on his face. Rainbow Dash noticed Dale's look on his face.
"Oh...Sorry Dale..." she said with a sheepish face.
Dale smiled weakly. "It's alright. It's just that...I'm already married." he said as he scratched the back of his face.
Rainbow Dash's eyes widen. "Oh my Celestia. I'm REALLY sorry." she said.
Dale smiled. "Don't worry about it. I didn't tell you in the first place anyway."
Rainbow Dash was confused. "Where is your wife?" she said.
Dale frowned as he took the sunglasses and put them on. "I don't know." he said with a shrug. "When I got into this world, I didn't see my wife. But I know that she's safe."
Dale yawned. "Well, I should get some sleep. Sorry about all this."
Rainbow Dash smiled. "It's OK. None taken." she said.
Dale then had a stern look on his face. "DO NOT tell ANYONE about who Rusty Shackleford is, OK?"
Rainbow Dash giggled and nodded. "OK, I promise." she said with a smile.
Dale smiled at her and went to his room. Today was a long day. Though for some reason, even though he loved Nancy...he thought what will happen if he were married to Rainbow Dash instead...
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
The Order of the Straight Arrow
Twilight's Library
Midnight
Hank was up all night, reading a book in his bedroom.
As he read his book, he became more tired.
Eventually, he fell asleep and had a crazy dream...
"Now for the final test..." a familiar voice said.
"The Snipe hunt."
SNIPE HUNT
PONYVILLE, EQUESTRIA 19XX
Young colt versions of Hank, Bill, Dale, Boomhauer, and Kahn are sitting next to a campfire. Cotton and Hank's friends' dads were standing in front of the fire. Cotton was busy talking to the colts.
"Not gonna sugar coat it." Cotton said. "Some of you ain't coming back. Those who survive will be honored members of the Order of the Straight Arrow. Those who don't, will be DEAD. Questions? ARE YOU READY?"
"Yeah!" Kahn shouted. "Um...uh..."
Cotton walked up to Kahn with a pissed look on his face.
"You flunked the test of silence Kahn!" Cotton barked. "Give me your silence stick!-!"
Kahn handed him his silence stick. Cotton broke it in half.
"For the rest of your long miserable life, you will carry the scar of failure. Now go get me a whiskey cupcake."
Kahn walked to the cupcake table with a sad face.
"And ya colts get out there and bag some snipe!" Cotton said to Hank and his friends.
He screamed at the colts, which scared them away to find the "snipe." Dale tried to look for the snipe. Hank tapped his shoulder.
"SNIPE!" Dale yelled.
Hank was standing there with Bill and Boomhauer.
"Shut up Dale." Hank replied. "There is no snipe. I heard my dad talking to your dad"
"So what are we doing out here?" Bill asked.
Boomhauer took out a bottle of Sweet Apple Acre's Finest Sparkling Apple Cider.
"We're gonna git snackered I tell you wat boy i wanna get messed up and dang o pollute our minds dang o 3 sheets to dang ol' wind man" Boomhauer replied.
The colts were awed at the sight of the cider.
Bill took a sip and shuddered.
"When I grow up I'm gonna drink this stuff everyday just like my dad, and fly jets and maybe even be an astronaut." he said. "Or a better villain than King Sombra. And then be reformed like Discord. And then become a alicorn ruler, like Twilight!"
Dale took the bottle of cider and took a sip.
"I'm gonna live in Manehatten and be a rich millionaire and have ponies SENT TO THE MOON!" he said. "Or join the Wonderbolts..."
Hank took the bottle of cider and took a sip.
"I'm gonna sell propane and propane accessories, if my grades are good enough." he said.
Boomhauer took the bottle of cider and took a sip.
"Dang o tell ya wat man kids and their crazy dreams." he said while shaking his head and chuckling.
Just then, a giant Pinkie Pie ripped through the sky.
"HEY!" she shouted. "HOW COME I'M NOT IN YOUR DREAM, HANKIE?-!-?-!-?-!"
8:00 AM
Hank woke up suddenly and just sat there.
"That dream was so weird, I can't even blink." he muttered.
Eventually, he had an idea...
Fluttershy's Cottage
Fluttershy was busy feeding the animals.
She noticed Dale flying towards her.
Dale landed next to her. "Hey Fluttershy." he said with a smile.
Fluttershy ignored him, she had a disappointed look on her face.
Dale frowned. "What's wrong?" he asked.
Fluttershy answered without looking at him. "Rainbow Dash told me about you." she said blankly.
Dale cringed. Did Rainbow Dash already told Fluttershy about Rusty Shackleford?
Fluttershy continued with her eyes closed. "She told me you were an Exterminator. You killed animals."
Dale chuckled nervously. "Not ponies! Only rodents...like rats and bugs like that."
"Exactly..." Fluttershy replied.
Dale looked the animals around her cottage and understood what she was talking about.
Bill once told Dale about Fluttershy. He told him about how she loves animals, even rodents.
Dale wanted to say something but Fluttershy waved him off with her hoof.
"I think you should go, Mr. Gribble." she said with a frown.
Dale walked away with a sad face.
He saw Hank walking towards him. Hank was covered in tree sap and spider webs.
Dale blinked. "What happened to you?" he asked Hank.
"Well..." Hank said with a frown "I went to visit Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash. I also went to Bill and Boomhauer and now going to you, Dale. I decided to take a shortcut by going to the Everfree Forest, but I out-chased that SAME DAMN BEAR and got covered in tree sap...and webs. By the Dale, can you help me out with something?"
Dale nodded. "Maybe." he said.
Hank continued. "Remember the 'Order of the Straight Arrow' back when we were kids?" he said with a smile.
Dale smiled. "How could I forget?" he said.
Hank smirked. "Well we're gonna make some mares out of those Cutie Mark Crusaders tomorrow, I tell you what." he said with a chuckle.
Fluttershy's Cottage
The next morning
Hank once again thanked Fluttershy for letting the Cutie Mark Crusaders camp next to Fluttershy's home, since it looked appropriate for a camp site.
Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo stood there, busy talking to each other.
Hank, Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer stood in front of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
Hank cleared his throat. "Alright, fillies." he said. "Welcome to the Order of the Straight Arrow. I am Hank Hill. These are my friends Dale Gribble, Bill Dauterive, and Jeff Boomhauer. The Order of the Straight Arrow will make you mares if you succeed, maybe even get your Cutie Marks. If you don't...you will be fillies for the rest of your miserable lives...and maybe blank flanks...I hope to God no. Any questions?"
The Cutie Mark Crusaders were not even paying attention and continued talking.
Hank got pissed. "SHUT UP! " he shouted.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders suddenly stopped talking.
Hank sighed and took out 3 carrot sticks. "OK. The 24 hour oath of silence starts now." he said. "Here are your silence sticks."
Hank gave each filly a carrot stick.
Apple Bloom spoke up. "Those are carrot sticks" she said.
Hank rolled his eyes.
"That's what filly blank flanks call them." he said sternly. "MARES WITH CUTIE MARKS calls them silence sticks to test your spirit of SHUTTING UP! Each time you talk, I take a bite. Talk 5 times and you're out. 24 hour silence starts NOW."
After a few seconds, the Cutie Mark Crusaders spoke up at the same time: "RIGHT NOW?"
Hank sighed. "You fillies just talked." he said. "Now I'll let that pass but don't talk again!"
The Cutie Mark Crusaders smiled and, at the same time, said: "Thanks, Mr. Hill."
Hank groaned. "Give me those carrots." he muttered as he took their carrots and took a bite out of each of them.
"They remind me of Bobby and his friends ," he thought as he chewed the carrots. He didn't know that all this looked very familiar...
Nighttime
After hours of biting carrot sticks, Hank set up a campfire.
"I am Kicking Elk." he said boldly. "As long as the sacred fire is burning, the oath of silence is suspended."
The Cutie Mark Crusaders sighed happily and started to talk.
Hank got angry. "SHUT UP!" he shouted "I'm talking here!"
Hank cleared his throat.
"We," he said. "of the Order of the Straight Arrow, call upon the spirit of Wematanye, protector of the sacred ground that brings us cool water to drink and energy-efficient, clean-burning propane gas for all our sacred heating and cooking needs. Wematanye says respect Equestria. She's ours, by Celestia, our taxes paid for her."
Hank took out a piece of paper.
"Also," he said, looking at the paper. "uh, it says here you've got to love all her creatures. Uh, here we go. Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you're gonna recommend us to the spirit in the sky. With liberty and justice for all. Wematanye is with you, and with Ponyville. AMEN."
"Damn it..." Hank said to himself. "Why does this all looked familiar?"
Hank continued. "Now we will say the oath of the Order of the Straight Arrow." he said.
Everyone stood up and, together, said:
A STRAIGHT ARROW TELLS THE TRUTH. A STRAIGHT ARROW LOVES NATURE. A STRAIGHT ARROW WILL NOT ALLOW THE FLIMFLAM BROTHERS BACK IN OUR TOWN NOR DRINK THEIR CIDER. A STRAIGHT ARROW WILL NEVER EVER FORGIVE DIAMOND TIARA AND SILVER SPOON. WEMATANYE!
AppleBloom whispered to her friends: "How do they know 'bout the FlimFlam Brothers?" she asked. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo just shrugged.
"Damn it, Bill." Hank whispered to Bill. "I know you hate those two, but must you say it every time?"
Bill shrugged. "It's not my fault they're soulless bitches." he said quietly so that the Crusaders couldn't hear.
Hank rolled his eyes and faced towards the Crusaders. "And now for the final test..." Hank said. "...The Snipe Hunt!"
Hank said, in a scary voice: "You are about to come face to face with the deadliest beast in creation. Those who survive will be honored members of the Order of the Straight Arrow. And those who don't, will be DEAD."
The Cutie Mark Crusaders gasped.
He looked up to the sky. "Oh, Wematanye, protect us on our hunt." he said.
Bill walked up to the The Cutie Mark Crusaders with sacks and sticks.
"All right." he said. "This here's your WHUP-ASS STICK to beat the snipe back in case he comes at you."
"Wh...What does a snipe look like?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"It's got red, glowing eyes, long, crooked teeth, a claw and a tail with ANOTHER claw on its end." Dale answered in an evil voice.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders gasped.
"Easy, Dale." Hank whispered to Dale.
Hank spoke to the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
"Bill and I will take the lead." he said. "Boomhauer and Dale will bring up the rear. Remember, the snipe call is this: WOO-LOO-LOO, WOO-LOO-LOO ."
Hank and his friends led them to a bush next to the Everfree Forest.
"Well, call him out fillies!" he shouted. "He's not just going to show up."
The Cutie Mark Crusaders started to say WOO-LOO-LOO, WOO-LOO-LOO .
"Oh, I think I hear him!" Bill shouted.
Hank smirked. "Look out, Bill." he said. "He almost got you."
Hank and his friends came out of the bush, chuckling.
"Just like we did to Bobby and his friend.s" Hank said chuckling. "Of course, he almost killed that whooping crane."
Dale's eyes widen. "Wait a minute." he muttered. "This is exactly like what happened. Snipe Hunt. Animal half-dead. Hank..."
Hank, realizing what Dale was saying, also widen his eyes. "Oh God! We have to get them out of there before they kill..."
Scootaloo screamed and a THUMP was heard.
"...something." Hank said as he put a hoof on his forehead.
She came out of the bush with Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.
Scootaloo had a big smile on her face. "I GOT ONE! ! ! " she shouted. "DOES THIS MEAN I GET MY CUTIE MARK?-! "
Scootaloo gave Hank the bag. Hank emptied it and, to everypony's horror, saw what it really was.
Bill screamed like a girl. "OH MY CELESTIA! THAT'S A PHOENIX!-!-!" he shouted before he fainted.
Bill eventually woke up as Dale was poking the phoenix with a stick.
Hank had told the Crusaders to make s'mores while Hank and his friends discuss what to do.
"Now you done it..." Dale said to Hank. "Now you really gone and done it..."
Hank got angry. "What do you mean 'YOU?'" Hanks said. "We're in this together."
Dale slowly backed away. "Whoa, NO." he said with a nervous grin. "You and I may be acquainted but we are not traveling comp...
Bill sighed. "Dale," he interrupted. "You already used that excuse last time and it didn't even work. Hackey-sack and Earth Day doesn't even exist here. Also, you're not going anywhere."
"May-maybe we can pin this on Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon..." Dale suggested.
"Dale." Bill interrupted. "I hate them and hope they burn in hell, but they deserve a more bitter punishment than this."
Hank groaned as he hid the phoenix in a cooler they had to keep their refreshments. "Now, let's just go to sleep." he said.
Dale nodded. "Yes, yes." he muttered, "We...we'll all just go to sleep now."
Hank sighed. "Bill, get his pants and shoes and tie him up."
Bill walked up to Dale, who had a scared face.
Hank shook his head. WHY DOES THIS ALL SEEM FAMILIAR?-!
The next morning
Hank woke up and got out of his tent.
To his surprise, he saw Fluttershy there.
"Oh hey Fluttershy." Hank greeted.
Fluttershy smiled. "Oh. Good Morning Mr. Hill."
Hank chuckled. "Oh you can go ahead and call me Hank."
Fluttershy coughed. "Um...OK...Hank. Um...was last night alright? I...um...heard Bill screaming last night but I thought I had a bad dream."
Hank widen his eyes as the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Bill, and Boomhauer woke up from their tents.
Hank grinned nervously. "Oh don't worry." he said. "Bill just uhh...also had a bad dream, yeah, heh."
Bill also grinned nervously. "Yeah." he said. "A bad dream..."
Fluttershy looked at Boomhauer. "Boomhauer, what do you think?" she asked Boomhauer.
"Yeah, man," Boomhauer muttered. "Tell you what dang o' one of them snipe hunts, man, with that stick man that bag then WHACK, WHACK! People goin' WOO-LOO-LOO! Talkin' about big mistake y'all. Right there in that cooler."
Fluttershy blinked. "Um...OK..." She said before she turned to the Crusaders."Um...what about you girls? Did you see anything?" she asked.
Just when Scootaloo opened her mouth, Hank quickly jumped in front of Fluttershy.
"Oh, uh, they can't talk. 24 hour silence. Order of the Straight Arrow."
Fluttershy smiled nervously. "Oh..um...OK. I don't know what that is but I trust that you know what you're doing."
She noticed Dale jumped out of a tent, wearing a gag in his mouth and had his hooves tied together, same thing with his legs.
Fluttershy frowned. "What happened to him?" Fluttershy asked as she pointed to Dale.
Hank coughed nervously as Dale jumped to Fluttershy, saying muffled things, thanks to the gag, to her.
"Um..." she said. "It sounds like he's trying to say something. 'Phoenix' and 'killer'? Hank, what's he talking about?"
Hank scratched his head but Fluttershy just shook her head. "Never mind." she said. "I don't know why I'm even listening to that animal killer."
Hank, his friends, and the Crusaders were surprised. She didn't even try to save him.
She went back to her home as Dale looked at the ground, with a sad look on his face, since Fluttershy didn't even tried to help him.
As soon as Fluttershy was out of sight, Apple Bloom took out the phoenix from the cooler and repeatedly said Wematanye and WOO-LOO-LOO, WOO-LOO-LOO .
Hank sighed. "Apple Bloom, would you please knock it off?" he said. "You're driving me nuts. There is no Wematanye. It's just some damn nonsense we made up to fill out the weekend. Tell her Dale."
Hank took out the gag from Dale's mouth. Dale just glared at Hank. "How do you know my name, phoenix killer?" he said. "I never met any of you people before in my life. Jesus Christ, why am I repeating these familiar words?"
Hank sighed. "Tell her, Bill."
"He's right, Apple Bloom." Bill replied to Apple Bloom. "It's all crock. Those spirit bags of yours are just Pinkie Pie's flour bags and, by the way, she wants them back. Holy crap, it's like Deja Vu or something."
Apple Bloom looked sad, along with Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.
Apple Bloom said: "So...everything you said was all a lie?"
"YES!" Hank shouted. "That's the secret of the snipe hunt! That's the whole point!"
The Cutie Mark Crusaders had sad faces on them. Sweetie Belle started to cry a bit.
Hank looked at them and became sad. Doing this to Bobby and his friends was one thing, but to the Cutie Mark Crusaders was different.
"I'm...uh...sorry...Apple Bloom...Sweetie Belle...Scootaloo..." he said nervously to the Crusaders, scratching his head.
Dale nodded. "Yeah. Sorry girls. Especially you Scootaloo..."
Bill sighed. "Yeah. We're sorry. We'll make up to you..."
"Does it involve Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon?" Hank asked Bill.
Bill grinned nervously. "Maybe..." he said as Hank put a hoof on his face.
Boomhauer scratched his head. "Sorry man. Dang o' many sorries, man yo. Forgive me of my sins, yo."
Just then, the phoenix woke up and flew to the sky, awing everyone.
Hank realized it was just unconscious.
"WELL I'LL BE DAMNED!" he said.
Dale nodded. "Of course! Snipe Hunt! Dead animal! Was unconscious all along!-!"
Boomhauer nodded. "Yeah man," he added. "Dang o' plagiarism man. I tell you what man, snipe hunt episode no ranger and hippie snitch, man no Peggy Hill Mexico shoe. Man, damn it Pinkie. I tell you what man 4th wall coming down, man yo. Thanks man."
Bill chuckled. "Looks like Pinkie's 4th wall breaking finally rubbed against you, Boomhauer. Did I say that right? Ah whatever."
Apple Bloom's jaw dropped to the ground.
"WEMATANYE! ! ! ! " she whispered.
She smiled brightly. "I'm just like Zecora." she said.
Hank sighed but smiled. Eventually, everypony smiled and laughed.
"If somepony ask..." Bill said. "It was Diamond..."
He was interrupted when Hank slapped him in the head. "Shut up, Bill." Hank muttered.
Fluttershy's Cottage
The next day
Fluttershy was busy feeding her animals.
She noticed a small ant hill and walked up to it.
Immediately, small red ants came up to Fluttershy.
Fluttershy frowned. "Uh oh." she whispered as the ants came closer.
Dale and Rainbow Dash flew to Fluttershy's cottage.
Rainbow Dash admitted that when she and Fluttereshy were talking one time, Rainbow Dash, by accident, mentioned what Dale did back on Earth. Rainbow Dash decided to make it up to Dale by helping him get along with Fluttershy.
"OK." Rainbow Dash said. "Now we need to find..."
Dale and Rainbow Dash heard a familiar voice.
"Um, Rainbow Dash..." Fluttershy muttered.
Rainbow Dash smiled. "Oh, Fluttershy!" she said brightly. "There you arAAAH! ! ! "
Both Rainbow Dash and Dale were shocked to see millions of fire ants covering Fluttershy.
Fluttershy looked scared. "Take them off." she said nervously.
"Fluttershy, don't move a muscle!" Dale shouted. "If you move, those fire ants are all gonna sting!"
Dale raised his hoof at Fluttershy. "Take my hand, I mean hoof, Fluttershy." he said. "The ants will swarm on me."
Fluttershy cringed. "What if they don't?-!" she asked.
Dale smirked. "Oh, they will." he said.
Fluttershy took Dale's hoof.
Dale was still smirking. "They've been waiting to get a piece of me for 15 years." he said as ants were crawling towards him. "Even though they weren't from Earth, they still want some."
Eventually all the fire ants got off of Fluttershy and surrounded Dale's body.
Dale laughed. "Come and get it, boys!"
Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash stood there with looks of shock and horror on their faces.
Dale was getting stung by fire ants and eventually said:
"YOUCH...THAT WAS MORE PAINFUL THAN I THOUGHT. "
Dale fell down, motionless. The fire ants eventually got off of Dale.
"DALE, NO!" Rainbow Dash shouted.
"MR. GRIBBLE!-!-!" Fluttershy screamed.
She went to Dale's side and hugged him tightly with tears on her face.
"Oh...Oh Celestia...You sacrificed your life to save mine...I'm so sorry for not trusting you in the first place...and not helping you when you were tied up yesterday...If you can hear me...I'm...sorry...Dale Gribble...my friend..."
Dale coughed up some fire ants...
...
...
...and woke up, asking Fluttershy:
"While I was blacked out, was anything inserted in me?"
Fluttershy looked at Dale with tears and a smile.
"YOU'RE ALIVE!" she shouted.
Dale just replied: "Answer the question"
She continued to hug Dale, with tears of joy on her face.
Rainbow Dash couldn't help but smile. Happy that her best friend...made a new best friend.
...
...
...
Dale started to cough. "Fuck, why do our past events keep repeating itself?"
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
Sweet Apple Acres
The next day
Cotton and Big Macintosh were busy bucking apple trees.
Cotton smiled. "I think that's the last of dem."
Big Macintosh nodded. "Eeyup"
Cotton glared at Big Macintosh. "If you do that 'Eeyup' thing, I'll kick your ass"
Big Macintosh chuckled. "Don't cha mean flank?"
Cotton laughed. "Well, you git the idea!"
They both started to chuckle.
Despite the fact Big Macintosh says 'Eeyup,' Cotton now respects Big Macintosh, much to Big Mac's relief.
A couple minutes later
Cotton was heading home tired. He noticed Hank, Bill, Dale, Kahn, and Boomhauer, who were all walking in the same direction Cotton was heading.
Cotton raised an eyebrow. "What're ya guys doing here?" he asked.
Hank shrugged. "Applejack told us to come here, more specifically, the barn."
Cotton shrugged and headed towards the barn, along with the rest of the guys.
When they opened the doors...
"SURPRISE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"
The guys recoiled backwards, both surprised.
They saw the Mane 6, wearing party hats and large grins.
Bill gasped. "The party!" he said with a smile. "How could I forgot the party that Pinkie Pie was gonna throw! ! !"
The guys looked up to see a banner that said: Welcome to Ponyville Hank, Dale, Bill, Boomhauer, Kahn, and Cotton!
Kahn just sighed. "Great. Redneck party." he muttered.
Bill angrily glared at Kahn. "DID YOU JUST CALL APPLEJACK A REDNECK?-! THAT IS WORSE THAN CALLING HER A BACKGROUND PONY!" Bill shouted in a furious tone.
Kahn shrugged. "So, what?" he said.
Bill growled. "KAHN. You call Applejack a redneck, it'll be the last mare you ever called a redneck."
Kahn growled. "Applejack..." he slowly said.
Bill continued to growl. "KAHN... "
Kahn continued to growl. "isaredneck." he immediately said.
Bill jumped on top of Kahn, beating the daylights out of him.
Hank sighed as Cotton savored the sight. Bill eventually stopped beating up Kahn.
"Well, I feel better." he said as he went to get some punch.
Kahn was lying there with bruises.
Pinkie Pie bounced to him.
"Awwww...Looks like somepony needs a hug!"
She began to hug Kahn tightly, much to Kahn's surprise.
Cotton rolled his eyes.
"Leave it to a woman to turn a welcome party into a love shack..." he muttered.
Dale walked up to Cotton with a large smile on his face.
"Permission to hug you Colonel?"
Cotton pushed Dale.
"DENIED! Go hug your wife! And cut out those lines! It feels like a TV show or something."
Dale frowned. "I can't. I don't know where she is, remember?"
Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared next to him.
"Looks like you need somepony to hug!"
"Looks like you need to read the Bib-"
Before he could continue, Pinkie Pie immediately wrapped her hooves around Cotton.
Cotton just rolled his eyes and let out a growl as she hugged him.
Twilight walked up to Hank. "Is your father always like this?" she asked.
Hank sighed and nodded. "Yeah. Back on Earth he would always take advantage of women like, ugh, slapping their, uh, behinds."
Twilight nodded. She understood what Hank was trying to say.
Hank frowned. "He even taught my son, Bobby, that women should be made to cook and clean for their husbands all day long."
Twilight's eyes widen. "Your son?"
Hank nodded.
"Yeah. Back in Earth, I was married and had a son. My wife is Peggy Hill and my son is Bobby Hill. And...um...a niece named, uh, Luanne. I still wonder if they're OK..."
Twilight put a hoof on Hank's shoulder, surprising him.
"Don't worry. I'm sure that they're fine."
Hank turned around and saw Cotton trying to free himself from Pinkie Pie's grasp.
Hank chuckled at the sight.
"Well. It is a party. Might as well enjoy it."
Bill and Boomhauer were snickering at a corner.
They saw Rainbow Dash and Hank putting a fake ball-and-chain on Dale, while he was bobbing for apples.
Rainbow Dash and Hank walked away slowly with large smirks on their faces.
Boomhauer walked up to Dale.
"Hey man Dale why don't you dang o give me a dang ol cider man?"
Dale nodded and, as he went to get an apple cider, he noticed the fake ball-and-chain.
Dale began to panic.
"AHHH! Woah, what is it?-! A BOMB !-! AHHH! I CAN'T LOSE IT! ITS AFTER ME! AHHH!"
Rainbow Dash, Bill, Boomhauer, and Hank stood there laughing their flanks off.
Rainbow Dash had another idea...
Bill and Boomhauer were snickering at a corner.
They saw Dale putting a fake ball-and-chain on Cotton, while he was bobbing for apples.
What Dale didn't know is that Cotton knew that Dale was behind him.
Just when Dale was about the walk away, Cotton immediately bucked his short back legs out, slamming Dale's face.
Everypony ran to Dale as Cotton just roared with laughter.
"I'M COTTON HILL. AND I KILLED FIDDYMEN!"
Twilight wondered who this 'fiddymen' was. She will ask him later.
Dale and Boomhauer started fighting each other over something.
Hank and Applejack stopped their fighting.
Kahn walked up to Dale and Boomhauer.
"You must settle this like men. ANGRY REDNECK MEN ! Blunder busters at 20 paces!"
Hank put a hoof on his head. "Shut up Kahn." he said.
Applejack looked confused.
"What in tarnation's a redneck?" she asked.
Nighttime
Hank and his friends were heading home.
Hank waved goodbye. "Thanks again for the party!" he shouted. "It was great!"
Hank's friends waved goodbye, both happy.
Hank smiled. He thought this place was weird, but now he knows he's gonna enjoy this world. Though he still doesn't know why all that happened today seemed so GODDAMN familiar!
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
Twilight's Library
Twilight and Hank were busy reading books when all of a sudden Spike came in with a scroll in his hand.
Spike gave the scroll to Twilight.
Twilight read the scroll and smiled.
"Princess Celestia is coming to visit!" she said.
Hank smiled. "I'll be damned." he said. "I'll finally meet that mare Bill wouldn't shut up about."
Twilight nodded.
"It says she wants to meet you, Dale, Boomhauer, Kahn, Cotton, and especially Bill."
"SHE WANTS TO MEET ME-E-E-E-E-E-E-E! ?" Bill said as he suddenly appeared in front of Twilight and Hank, surprising them both. "This is more exciting than that Equestria Girls movie!" he said jumping around.
Hank rolled his eyes. "Oh God..." he muttered as he put a hoof on his forehead.
The next day
Twilight's Library
Hank, his friends, Kahn, Cotton, the Mane 6, and Spike, along with most of the citizens of Ponyville were waiting for Princess Celestia.
Kahn groaned. "This redneck princess pony probably not even come..." he muttered as he crossed his arms.
"It's 'will probably not come' Mr. Kahn" a voice said behind Kahn.
Kahn turned around and gasped, along with Hank, Dale, Cotton, Boomhauer, and Bill.
Bill screamed like a Japanese schoolgirl. "OH MY GOD! IT'S PRINCESS CELESTIA! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! "
Princess Celestia laughed. "You must be Bill, the brony."
She looked over to Bill's friends.
"And you must be Hank Hill, Dale Gribble, Cotton Hill, Kahn Souphanousinphone, and Jeff Boomhauer"
Boomhauer, the ladies' man, was blushing, much to Kahn's amusement.
Twilight bowed to her mentor.
"So what brings you here?" she asked.
Celestia frowned. This was more harder than she thought.
"I...came here to give some bad news."
Everypony looked surprised and worried.
Celestia looked over to Hank and his friends.
"You are all aware, except for Cotton, how you got here?"
Dale nodded. "Sure. Our world ended. Don't know how. Probably some global warming or something."
"Because your God started a rapture." Celestia answered.
Bill was surprised. "Wow." he said. "More crazy than that scene in Equestria Girls. I won't say it or else the readers would get mad at..."
"Bill!" Hank whispered. "Stop being rude and breaking the 4th wall...oh God now I'm doing it."
Celestia bit her lip.
"However, your God now regrets destroying your world so..."
"...He's bringing us back from the dead?" Hank interrupted with a shocked look on his face.
Celestia slowly nodded.
Hank lowered his head.
Dale gulped.
Bill let out a tear.
"Jesus Christ" Boomhauer muttered.
Kahn just shook his head.
"You're freaking kidding me." Cotton muttered.
Everypony all had shocked looks on their face.
"I'm sorry" Celestia whispered.
She looked at Cotton.
"You get to stay, since you died before the rapture."
Cotton lowered his head and angrily let a tear out.
"I don't normally cry except when the Japanese pull of mah toenails, but..."
Hank, who was actually crying, spoke up.
"When do we leave?" he whispered.
Celestia answered back sadly.
"Now."
Bill whispered, "Can we say our goodbyes?"
Celestia slowly nodded.
Hank walked up to Twilight and Spike.
"Well, bye, I guess. Damn, I'm not good at this."
Twilight and Spike hugged Hank, to his surprise.
"That's OK" Twilight said.
"We'll miss you!" Spike said.
Dale walked up to Rainbow Dash.
"Ummmmm..."
Rainbow Dash smiled and nudged Dale's shoulder.
"Goodbye, Rusty Shackleford "
Dale couldn't help but laugh.
Bill walked up to a sad Pinkie Pie.
"Goodbye Pinkie Pie...Oh come on! Where's the happy Pinkie I knew?"
Pinkie Pie was still sad.
Bill smiled.
"Did I tell you the time when Hank's gender was female on his license, or when he he got drunk and got a tattoo on the back of his..."
Hank glared at Bill, who just smiled nervously and stopped speaking.
"I guess you won't let me place a curse on Dia..."
"If I hear that name again," Hank whispered. "I will kick your ass through a wood chipper."
Pinkie couldn't help but laugh her flank over that.
Boomhauer walked up to Rarity.
"Well man dang o good bye I guess."
Rarity kissed Boomhauer on the cheek.
"Good bye Mr. Boomhauer"
Bill looked envious.
"Lucky bastard. Got kissed by Rarity"
Kahn walked up to Fluttershy and Angel who was with her.
"Good bye Fluttershy. Don't let dirty rednecks get to you"
Fluttershy couldn't help but giggled.
"Good bye Mr. Super Phone"
"Souphanousinphone" Kahn corrected as he hugged her.
He then bent down to Angel.
Angel crossed his arms and looked away, but then quickly waved goodbye.
"Goodbye Angel" Kahn said. "You stupid idiot bunny. " he whispered.
Hank walked up to Cotton.
Cotton looked the other way. "God dammit."
"Good bye Dad."
"Good bye Colonel" Dale replied.
"Take good care of the ponies." Bill begged.
Cotton sighed and said what he couldn't believe we would say.
"Goodbye son." as he hugged Hank.
Hank sniffed a bit. "I love..."
"Hank," Cotton said with a glare, "Remember what I said about loving me in mah deathbed?"
Applejack and her family walked up walked up.
"We'll miss you Hank Hill"
Hank smiled.
"You got Big Mac with you to remind you"
Everypony, even Big Macintosh and Cotton, started to laugh.
Hank and his friends walked up to Celestia.
They all nodded.
Celestia's horn started to glow.
Hank and his friends waved one last time.
"Yup"
"Yup"
"Yup"
"Mmm hmm"
"Yeah"
A white light suddenly appeared and got bigger and bigger.
Hank suddenly woke up.
He looked at his alarm clock.
12:01 AM
Hank sighed and went back to sleep.
"I'm really back in my world..."
"Yup"
"Yup"
"Mmm hmm"
Hank Hill, Bill Dauterive, and Jeff Boomhauer replied.
Hank was the man with brown hair and blue jeans. He stood as he drank his beer.
Standing next to him was his best friend, Bill, an obese man wearing a white shirt and blue jeans. Despite being bald, he still had some brown hair on his head.
A young man with yellow hair and tannish skin, Boomhauer, was busy looking at his watch, wondering where his other friend, Dale Gribble, was. Boomhauer had a black t-shirt and blue jeans.
They were outside Hank's house, sipping beer.
A few minutes later, they noticed a man in a white radioactive suit, mask and all (although the price tag was still in it), coming out of Dale's house. In his hand was three radioactive suits.
"Oh God" Hank muttered after realizing who it was:
Dale Gribble, Hank's crazy best friend.
The suited man, Dale, walked to the guys and took out his mask.
Dale's face was revealed. He had his signature hat and sunglasses with a cigarette in his mouth, still lit.
Dale sighed. "I guess the world really didn't end"
Boomhauer smiled and tossed Dale a beer. "Dang o its alright Gribble man"
Dale joined with the guys and started to drink beer.
Kahn came out of his house to take out the trash.
"Hey Kahn! Wanna a beer?" Bill shouted.
Kahn shrugged. "Why not?"
Kahn joined with the guys and started to drink beer.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
"Hey Bill" Hank said.
"Yeah?" Bill answered.
"Did you dream about ponies..." Hank said.
"Magical ponies..." Dale added.
"Unicorns, Pegasuses, Earth Ponies..." Kahn added.
"In the dang ol' world of Equestria..." Boomhauer added.
"Ruled by Princess Celestia...?" Bill said.
It then got quiet.
...
...
...
"You got some My Little Pony CDs we can watch?" Dale asked.
Boomhauer and Kahn looked happy.
Bill smiled. "DO I? ! ? !"
They all looked at Hank.
Hank shrugged. "Why not. It may seem girly and make me OCC, but the hell with that!"
Bill smiled. "I didn't know you can break the 4th wall!"
He ran to his house, followed by his friends.
This day was about to be 20% cooler...
THE END
...though Hank was kinda out of character.
"Shut up Ltmajordude." Hank muttered.
Bill laughed "I guess we can still break the 4th wall!"
"Didn't King of the Hill get canceled?" Dale asked.
"Eeyup." Boomhauer said.
"Would you hillbillies just shut up!" Kahn shouted.
Oh God, I'm a horrible fanfiction writer...
THE END... FOR REAL!!!
Author's Note
Well, so ends my remake story.
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
Thankfully, one of my loyal fans and friends has done a sequel to my story!Dang O' Ponies than my remake: Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What.
Sequel to Dang O' Ponies: A second chance
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
It turns out that my good friend kkman57 has posted the sequel of Dang O' Ponies to FImFIction.Net!!!
Intro-god-dang-ducing: A second chance on FIMFiction.Net!
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
ANOTHER DANG OL' PONIES STORY LINK!!!
Well, my good friend kkman57 put up a Dang Ol' Ponies story, taking place after Chapter 16 and before Chapter 17.
Ladies and Gentlemen: My Little King of the Hill: Friendship is Magic and Efficient
I'll be honest. He posted this story on the 2nd of November and I'm giving you the link on the 23rd of November. I'm an lazy asshole.
LOL. I posted this on the day Season 4 of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic airs.
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
Why Not?
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
The sequel is finally here! CLICK HERE
Dang O' Ponies, I Tell You What
What happened before the end
11:57 PM Before the end of the world
Dale is hiding in his basement in his radioactive suit with rations and supplies.
Bill is trying to go to sleep, rolling from his bed.
Boomhauer also had the same problem.
11:58 PM
Dale slowly narrowed his eyes and gritted his teeth, ready for the apocalypse.
Bill looked worried. He bit his lips as he drank his beer.
Boomhauer just laughed to himself, remembering Dale's crazy theories.
11:59 PM
"Anytime..."
"Oh God..."
"Dang o' end of the world...Heh heh"
12:00 AM
A white light suddenly appeared.
"Holy..."
"What the..."
"Hey man, i tell you what Ahhh..."
"Ughhh..."
Dale regained consciousness, followed by Bill then Boomhauer.
They noticed everyone is staring at them.
Did I say everyone? My apologies, I meant everyPONY.
Both Dale and Boomhauer looked shocked.
Then they noticed something else...
...their hands (dear me, clumsy me) I mean HOOVES.
Both Dale and Boomhauer screamed in horror as they stared at both their hooves and ponies around them.
Bill just sat there...smiling...ear to ear, even let out a chuckle.
"Thank you Jesus Christ... " he thought. "Thank you so much... "
A familiar "BRWAHH!" sound was heard, surprising everypony from Ponyville.
Dale just smirked and chuckled to himself.
"Looks like Hank was wrong..."
