Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! A hand shot out and grazed the top of the alarm clock, just barely catching the snooze button. The hand pulled the covers off a shock of messy blonde hair. The hand threw the covers off of the rest of the body. What it revealed was a pale, lean man in his mid-twenties, clad in only his plaid boxers. He rubbed his eyes, swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat up. He reached out blindly and searched his bedside dresser for the clothes that had been left out for him the previous night. Carefully putting on the clothes, the man groped his bedside for another item. He reached under his bed and pulled out a long white pole.
The man put his index finger and thumb into his mouth and blew. Fweeep! “Come Daisy! Come here girl, lets get ready,” he called out.
A golden retriever ran in with a harness in it’s mouth and brushed up against his leg. The man found the harness and strapped the dog in. Daisy sat patiently as her master tugged and pulled on the straps to completely secure the harness. Once he finished, the man grabbed his long cane and walked out of the bedroom. He walked down the hallway touching the ground in front of him. He reached the kitchen and felt for the landline base. He pressed a button on the side and a robotic female voice rang out, “you have three unread messages.” He pressed the button again.
“Message one,” a male voice came out, “Hey James, we heard that you had already gathered all the money for the surgery. Why didn’t you tell us? We could have given you the money ourselves! We’re your parents for god’s sake!” The man pressed a different button.
“Message deleted. Message two,” another man’s voice came out, “Hello Mr. Baker, this is Dr. Smith. I’m just calling to remind you that your appointment today is at one o’clock. Have a nice day,” the man pressed the delete button again.
“Message deleted. Message three,” this time a cheery female voice rang out, “James! It’s Kendra; i’m coming to pick you up at eleven so that there’s no way we could possibly be late for the appointment! See you soon, love you, bye!” it ended with a click, “you have no new messages,” the voice said one last time.
James walked over to the sink and felt the wall above it. He found the clock and pressed the button on the rim. “Nine thirty nine,” the clock said in a jerky robotic voice.
James smiled and felt the counter in front of him for any mail. He didn’t find any and walked around the counter to the door. Daisy heard the doorknob click and ran to her master. She positioned the handle of the harness under James’ open hand. James pushed the handle away, “I’m just going down the stairs to the mailbox Daisy. I’ll be fine,” James said reassuringly, but Daisy didn’t feel assured. James heard his dog whimper so he pet her muzzle and closed the door behind him.
James tapped the pole on the concrete that made up the floor of the level his apartment was on. He lived on the first floor of his apartment and decided to just walk down the short flight of stairs to the lobby. James felt the pole fall a little too far, and he knew he had found the stairs. Halfway down the stairwell, James felt the stair disappear underneath his pole. Well, you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat. Thank god I’m not a cat, James thought as he approached the emptiness.
James tenderly stepped onto where he knew the stair should be. His foot fell into nothingness, which caused James to become unsteady and fall into a sitting position on the stairs. He suddenly felt a suction on his leg, and James clutched onto the edges of the stairs as he got slowly pulled into the emptiness. “OH GOD! I’M A CAT, I’M A CAT!” James screamed as the lower half of his body fell into the hole.
The suction increased as more and more of James fell into the hole. James reached for the next stair up, but the second he let go with one hand, his other hand slipped off the stair. The rest of James fell into the vacuum.
James couldn’t feel or hear anything; it was a deafening silence. He flailed his arms and ended up hitting his cane. James quickly grabbed it before it could fly off and stuck it in the crook of his arm. James clapped his hands hard. It didn’t make a noise. This is bad, i’m somewhere that doesn’t have a medium for sound to transfer through. I’m obviously breathing so it’s not a vacuum, but still some kind of vacuum. Is this even real? Am I still dreaming? Am I in some kind of limbo, James contemplated.
James felt something pull him downwards, or at least what he thought was down. As he got closer to whatever was pulling him, James picked up speed. James felt like he was going very fast when he finally felt an actual gravity. His heart leapt into his throat as he sped towards what he hoped was something soft.
Thump! Well look at that, I did land on something soft... ish, James thought joyfully. He felt around what he landed on. There was a coarse fur, feathers, and a spiraling bony protrusion.
“Why hello there, crazy animal thing,” chuckled a crazed James, as the shock of everything that just happened caught up to him. He crawled off the animal and laid down on his back.
“Ouch,” James heard shuffling and wings flapping, “what just hit me?” James heard a female, regal sounding voice.
“Princess Cadence! We heard...” the new, gruff sounding voice trailed off, James figured they were looking at him so he gave a small smile and a quick wave.
“What are you and what did you do to the Princess?” the gruff voice questioned. James felt a sharp point poke him in the center of his chest.
“Hey point whatever that is somewhere else, you’ll poke your eye out kid,” I always wanted to use that line, James thought as he gingerly pushed what he thought was a spear away from his organs.
“Hi, I’m James Baker. Nice to meet you,” James held out his hand for a handshake.
I See Introductions are in Order
James felt the tip of the spear return to the center of his chest along with four other pointy tips. James sat up as he raised his hands in surrender, “Listen guys, I didn’t do anything. I fell into a portal and it spit me out here. Right above your princess or whatever,” James waved his hand flippantly.
“Well mister alien man, since the hay doesn’t match the moon; you should start flying away!” The regal voice spoke up, and James heard something stumbling around.
“Princess, you really shouldn’t be moving around, I think you have a concussion,” the gruff voice reasoned. “Someone get Shining Armor!” Gruff yelled. James heard him running around trying to keep the concussed princess still.
A spear point left James’ body and he thought he heard the clippity-clop of hooves run off. That’s crazy, why didn’t I hear horses earlier? And why did that princess call me an alien? Why did they use shining armor as a kind of name? James thought.
James heard the horses come back and the spears prodded him into standing. This time even more spears poked him, and even more horses joined them. James still didn’t hear the horses, only whispers about him; mostly about how ugly he looked. James turned his head to where he heard the whispers, James hated the whispers. “Hey, I can hear you assholes. I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t talk shit about me, thanks,” he said venomously.
A voice James could only describe as a surfer who enlisted in the army spoke up, “Don’t you dare swear around my wife! You don’t want me to beat some manners into you, do you?” a blunt object prodded James in the kneecap.
“Whoa! Slow your roll bud. You wouldn’t beat up a blind guy, would you?” James indicated to his eyes and took a step back... into a spear, “ouch!”
“We’ll see about that,” Surfer voice said menacingly.
A rush of air hit James’ face which made him blink. He probably swung something at me, James thought. “So what’d you swing at me?” He asked.
“A hoof. I guess you are blind, but I’m no doctor,” Surfer voice said.
The guards moved their spears away from James.
“Damn straight I’m blind. By the way, has anyone seen my cane?”
“Here,” Gruff voice hit him with his cane.
James snatched his cane and started touching around him. There was an ornate metal railing behind him that flowed; it made a semicircle as far as James could tell, so it was probably a balcony. He ended up hitting six people, but every time James hit someone they would say something like “my hoof” or “my legs” and “watch where you’re sticking that thing,” which was kind of weird.
“No, I’m fine... It’s gone, you of all ponies should know how fast I heal... stop babying me honey, I can look after myself,” Regal voice spoke up but the other voice was talking to quiet for James to make out, probably Surfer voice, he did say Regal voice was his wi- Whoa whoa whoa, did she say ponies! She said ponies. Where the hell did I end up where animals can talk? I’m probably dreaming, James thought.
James sat down and leaned against the railing. He tried to digest the information and questions that filled his head. I guess that explains the hooves, James concluded. A more gentle clippity-clop reached his ears than the ones the guards make.
“So you’re the alien who fell on me. Care to tell me why I have to hold an ice pack to my head now?” Regal voice asked, James could tell she was annoyed.
“Hey, if I could see you, I’d be calling you names too,” James said snidely, “as for the ice pack, well I’m very sorry that you’re hurt. I hope that you can take comfort in the fact that you make a great cushion.”
“I’m afraid that I cannot take comfort in that,” Regal voice replied, sounding even more annoyed, “I would find comfort in you telling me how you got here!” She yelled.
“Well I got pulled out of my world and then it dropped me here. You happy now?” James pointed his cane in the direction he thought Regal voice was.
“Maybe. Also I’m over here,” James felt his cane move a little to his left, “How did you get pulled out of your world?” Regal voice asked again, this time a little calmer.
“Some rip in the fabric of time! I don’t know,” said James frustratedly. He stood up threateningly and stared where Regal voice indicated..
“Just calm down, okay?” Surfer voice broke in, “nopony needs to do anything hasty.”
“I. Am not. A fucking. PONY!” James screamed, the ridiculousness of the situation catching up to him.
“I am a human and my name is James,” He said through clenched teeth, “I’m calm, you’re calm, we’re all calm, see?”James finished. Exhausted, James sat back down and leant his head back against the railing.
“Hello James. I am Princess Cadance of the Crystal Ponies, and the stallion next to me is Captain Shining Armor of the Equestrian Royal Guard, my husband,” Regal voice aid professionally..
“Nice to meet you,” James said disinterestedly, as he held out his hand for them to shake.
James didn’t feel anything touch his hand for a while. Oh yeah, hooves, James thought
James could feel soft hairs feathering just outside of his grip. His hand shot out and grabbed what he figured was their hooves, then shook up, then down. The hoof was soft, yet hard at the same time. There were fine hairs that covered the base of the hoof, and got gradually coarser as James went up the leg. The bottom was hard yet flat, which didn’t match up to what James saw of hooves when he was younger. The whole leg is just one long cylinder. Where the hell am I? James thought.
“Come on James, you must be tired,” Cadance said with motherly affection. James heard a scoff behind him and figured it was Shining Armor.
“Of course i'm tired, and it would be great and all if I, uh, knew where the hell i’m going,” James said impatiently.
“First we’re going to the kitchen to get some food in you, then it’s off to the guest chambers,” Cadance said happily.
“Oh that just sounds peachy keen,” James said with fake enthusiasm, “and I would love to go with you except for the itty bitty little fact that, you know, I’m blind,” James finished exasperatedly.
James heard hooves storm up behind him, then something spun him around without touching him. “You watch your tone when speaking to my wife,” Shining Armor said angrily.
James heard Cadance walk in between them, and James got pulled back by the mysterious force yet again.
“Oh calm down Shiny, He’s only afraid,” Cadance said calmly, “hold onto my mane James, I’ll guide you.”
“If you say so,” James replied warily.
James reached out to where Cadance was but instead of hair, he found well toned muscle.
“Ahem, James? It would be, oh, much appreciated if you stopped, ah, grabbing my flank,” Cadance’s voice broke on the last word.
James felt his face burn with embarrassment, and immediately let go. “I am so sorry.”
James put his hands back on the Princess but his time higher up. James felt some rather large wings, then up Cadance’s back. He found the lustrous mane but moved past it and straight to her face.
“Uh, James? What are you doing now?” She sounded extremely confused as James gingerly ran his hands all over her face.
“I’m looking at you,” James said, as he focused on his hands.
Her face was unblemished, as far as James could tell, but there were no scars. Her facial fur was very soft just like the rest of her. There was a long, spiraling horn that extended out of her forehead. Her ears were tall and moved around when James touched them. She had extremely large eyes, at least a little bigger than James’ fist. She had long eyelashes as well, some as long as James’ little finger. She had a short, squared muzzle that was maybe half as long as a dog's muzzle. She was smiling, and it seemed that the mouth had as expressive as a person’s. The whole face is geared for showing emotion, just where the hell did I end up?
“Thank you,” James said quietly as he tried to sort all of the new information.
“My pleasure, it was a very interesting experience,” Cadance said kindly.
They stood in silence for minutes until James brought his hand back down Cadance’s neck and intertwined his fingers with her mane. “So you said something about food?”
“Of course,” Cadance started walking and pulled James with her. “Ouch, try to keep up James,” she said jokingly as James pulled her mane from not going fast enough. James pulled out his cane and rapidly touched the ground in front of him.
Shining Armor sighed as he saw his wife and the newcomer rush down the hallway. “Investigate how he got here, and report back to me as soon as possible,” the three other guards saluted as Shining Armor walked away after his wife.
