The Insensitivity of a winning party pony
“Kids, in the spring of last year, your Auntie Pinkie Pie made some of the best choco-minty-fudge-double-chocolate-chip cookies she had ever made! Not only were they super-duper-scrumptious but they are also the start of the bestest story ever! The story of how I met your mother!” Just the thought of those cookies were already making my mouth water. Pound and Pumpkin were drooling too, but I think that’s because they’re just babies, and not because they had my cookies. I was watching them because Mr. and Mrs. Cake said they needed a break from the three foals. They’re so silly! They only have two little foals! The cutest and most adorable little unicorn and Pegasus that anypony could ask for. I’m so happy for them, they’ve always treated me like their daughter but I know they’ve always wanted babies of their own!
What was I talking about? Right, my cookies! And the story of… hmm… that’s not how I met Mr. and Mrs. Cake….
“Ok, it’s not how I met your mommy. Actually I met your mommy because her and your daddy had an ad in the paper that said “Available position: Apprentice Baker, contact the Cakes at SugarCube Corner. Room and Board provided” And even though I didn’t need a board cause I already had Plank, I did need a room since I’d left home I came by and said I ‘Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie! I’m new in town and I’ve never met you before, or anypony else here, really so this calls for a PARTY!” And I made them a batch of cupcakes and they gave me a job on the spot! And even when things got hard they were there for me every day since. Cause your mommy and daddy are REALLY cool ponies. That’s not this story, though. THIS story is about last spring, when I found out that I don’t like making ponies frown at all.”
The previous spring
Sugarcube corner is one of the bestest places in the whole wide-widest world! I mean, my family’s rock farm was my fillyhood home, and Sweet Apple Acres is just sooooo big, and Cloudsdale is just PRETTY! I mean it has chariots, and columns, and coliseums, cirrus clouds and cumulus clouds and cirro-stratus clouds, cumulo-nimbus clouds and liquid rainbow! That doesn’t start with a c, but they’re still pretty! But Sugarcube Corner is better cause that’s where I live, and where I can have all of the sweets I can eat! Well, not ALL I can eat, but I can have lots! I mean if I had ALL I could eat I’d be like a big pink dragon-sized pony by now! Can you imagine?? I mean not like a big firebreathing-meany-pants dragon like the one that…
Focus, Pinkie. Just like Twilight always told me. “Pinkie Pie…” She’d say, in that ‘I really like you but you’re kind of getting on my nerves’ voice that she has. And trust me, I know what that voice means. It means that Twilight is just about ready to burst into flames. Literally.
And she won’t teach me that trick no matter HOW many treats I offer to make.
“Confound it Pinkie Pie, you’re driving me to distraction” She’d say.
That wasn’t the point, though. The point is, she’d try to get me to focus. “Focus, Pinkie” She’d say. “You’re one of my best friends but it is sometimes difficult to follow your train of thought. One thing at a time, ok?”
She’s such a sweet pony.
Ok, so here I go. It was spring. I think I said that, though. It was springtime, and that means that Cloud Kicker was really busy. I mean like…. Umm….
Back in Sugarcube Corner, I stared at the smiling and innocent faces of Pound and Pumpkin cake, and had a vision of telling them this story about Cloud Kicker’s…. proclivities (Twilight taught me that word. I don’t know what it means, but it’s the only word she can use to talk about CK’s bedroom games without turning as red as she does when she drinks hot sauce that she thinks is punch), their first word being “bang” and me getting tossed out on my cotton-candy-colored-plot. Maybe this wasn’t the best audience for my story. Or any story involving Cloud Kicker, proclivities, chocolate, Rainbow Dash, or banging. Mmmm… chocolate…
“And I said, ‘Water Balloons? Are you crazy??!” I concluded suddenly, really glad my pink Pinkie face covered my blush. Not that the foals knew that. They just giggled and laughed like I told them the funniest story ever.
I love those two foals.
It is a really good story though. And one that I think Twilight could even use as a friendship report to Princess Celestia. Because not only did I get choco-minty-fudge-double-chocolate-chip cookies, I also learned that sometimes, the things you say to other ponies, even when you’re trying to make them smile, can make them feel hurt. And that makes Pinkie Pie feel like a big ol’ jackass.
“No offense, Cranky!” I said, popping my head into his window, making him jump off of Matilda like she was on fire. He said something about not scaring people, and privacy, but I was already back in Sugarcube Corner, making another batch of choco-minty-fudge-double-chocolate-chip cookies, and thinking about my story.
And Rainbow Dash, the most awesome fillyfriend ever.
Cause I think about her a lot.
I mean a LOT a lot. I think about her wings, and how awesome of a flyer she is, and how much I love her. She has a very pretty smile when she lets her guard down, did you know that? I mean, I have seen some AMAZING smiles in my life, it’s kinda what I do. Like Cranky’s smile when he met Matilda again after all those looooong years. Or Rarity’s smile when she sees a customer wearing a new dress she made them. Or Cloud Kickers’ sleepy-sexy smile when we were in bed after we’d-
What?
Don’t look at me like that! It was before I realized how awesome Rainbow is! Besides, Cloud Kicker has a really nice bedtime smile. Not her “You. Me. Bang?” Smile. Or her “Oh noes! I have accidently spilled chocolate sauce on my belly, Whatever shall I do?” smile. Or even her “Really, Pinkie? Just… like… normal banging? No silk or streamers or syrup or anything?” Smile. (Though I may have been the only one to see that smile, like… ever.) I’m talking about the smile she got when we were laying cuddled up in bed together, sweaty, tired and happy, and she looked over at me with these big sleepy eyes, and a smile on her face. One that said that, for just a little while, she wasn’t thinking about her silly rules, or her issues with Fluttershy, or really any other ponies at all. A smile that made it feel like it was just me, her and a comfy bed, and that for just a little while, everything was OK in her world. And that I had helped get her there.
Why do you think I like banging so much?
Ok, you got me. There’s like a GAZILLION reasons that I like banging. But the smiles afterwards, even when it’s a once-in-a-lifetime-this-won’t-happen-again-its-not-you-its-me night, that’s my favorite part. Because I love making ponies happy, and making them smile. I even have a song about it.
Oh! I should go tell Twilight my story, so she can make it her letter to the Princess! I’m going to the library tonight anyway for the “Twilight fixed the library again and nopony even went to the hospital this time” party!
“Dear Princess Celestia,” She’ll say, “Pinkie Pie just told the most amazing, fabulous, extra-special friendship lesson story! She was…” Wait, you know what would make this even better? Third-pony perspective!
The day after Heart and Hooves day was always a banner sales day for Sugarcube Corner. Every year they’d open that day with a big sale on yesterday’s baked goods, candies, and treats that nopony had wanted the night before, and on the sweets they had made with all the extra ingredients. There were plenty of ponies either riding high on the best day of their lives, or down in the dumps after another bad year, that suddenly wanted everything the Cakes had in stock.
Sugarcube Corner always closed early the day after Heart and Hooves day.
That Heart and Hooves day, especially, had been a great day for Pinkie Pie. It was the day that she finally got Rainbow Dash to realize how much Pinkie loved her. And to make it even better, Rainbow Dash loved her back! Just thinking about it made Pinkie’s normally bright smile even brighter, as she ran a towel over the last crumbs left on the kitchen counter before moving into the dining area to make sure the tables were all cleaned up. She came up short, however, when she realized she wasn’t alone. Sitting at a table in a corner, staring down at a half-empty mug of cocoa with a wistful expression was Blossomforth. She sat next to a large window, where a team of weather pegasi was moving in some clouds for a coming storm, but her attention was solely on her drink, making Pinkie realize that something must be wrong with white pegasus, and that she needed to do something about it. She put her bucket of cleaning supplies down, and moved to Blossomforth’s table quickly, intent on making the Pegasus smile.
“What’s got you all frowny Blossom?” Pinkie asked her when she approached, “You need to turn that frown upside down!” Pinkie twisted her neck around to demonstrate, and Blossom stared at the now fully inverted pony in front of her for a long moment, before she shook her head.
“Not today Pinkie Pie.” Pinkie righted herself at the heavy sigh Blossom gave before she continued. “I’m not really in a smiling mood.”
Pinkie gasped. Who, she wondered to herself, didn’t want to smile? “Awww…. Did some mean ol’ stallion break your heart again- err….” Displaying a modicum of tact, Pinkie broke off the question before sitting down across from the white Pegasus. “Did something happen?” She finally asked, taking a moment to figure out the nicest way to ask the obvious question.
Blossomforth sighed, trying to make her answer as vague as possible. “Not exactly. Just… I went out with this stallion yesterday, and… well.. he was ready for things I wasn’t, and… yea… I told him no, and he started acting like a huge jerk.” She snorted. “Cloudy tried to get his name from me so she could pay him a visit. For once I don’t think it was for her… usual reason.” Blossom trailed off, looking uncomfortable, though Pinkie missed that one completely.
“Tell me about it!” Pinkie said, “She is an ACTIVE pony. I mean she’s ALWAYS active… you know… sexually. Usually she sees some pony and she’s all like,” she went suddenly doe-eyed, batting her lashes at Blossom, “bang?” She threw herself across the table on her back, splayed out provocatively and looking up at the increasingly uncomfortable Blossomforth. “Bang!” Suddenly she was up on the stairway, draped over the railing sensuously, “BANG!”
She wasn’t sure, but Blossomforth was certain she could hear a banjo playing, and her face fell further as Pinkie suddenly pulled on a Cloud Kicker mask (drawn on a paper plate) and began singing…
I said a bang,
Bang
Bangity bang
I said a bang-bang-bangity bang!
(bang bang bang)
Bang,
Bang,
Bangity bang, I said a bang bang bangity bang!”
In retrospect, Rainbow Dash taking just that moment to fly in to find her new fillyfriend probably made things worse. “Hey Pinks, what in Celestia’s name are you singing?” Rainbow asked, taking in both the tail end of the song and the mask on Pinkie’s face.
“Just a little ditty I wrote about all the tail Cloud Kicker is getting!” Pinkie chirped in reply.
“Awesome, I’m down for a verse!”
Tears were starting to pool in Blossomforth’s eyes, though she’d deny it, as Rainbow joined in
I said a bang,
Bang
Bangity bang
I said a bang-bang-bangity bang!
(bang bang bang)
Bang,
Bang,
Bangity bang, I said a bang bang bangity bang!”
Cloud Kicker, having just finished leading the team of weatherponies that were setting up the next day’s storm, grinned hearing the song and joined in herself. During the entire reprise, between Pinkie and Rainbow singing at the top of their lungs and Cloud Kicker singing a surprisingly talented descant and playing the spoons, none of the three singers noticed the crushed expression on Blossomforth’s face as she dropped some bits on her table, got up and left. It wasn’t until they finished singing that they even noticed she was gone.
Guilt set in shortly after. The three ponies looked at each other for a long time, before Cloud Kicker left to find Blossomforth.
Rainbow Dash, meantime, flitted down to where Pinkie stood, frozen in her final pose from the song.
“What just happened?” Pinkie asked softly. “Why did Blossom leave like that? I was just trying to be funny.”
“I don’t know Pinks,” Rainbow replied, awkwardly placing a wing around her fillyfriend. “She looked really upset though.”
“It’s not like it’s some big secret!” Pinkie blurted out, “I mean EVERYPONY knows that Cloud Kicker likes bedroom games. She has banged like, a bunch of ponies! Even-“ Her eyes went quickly to her brand-new-less-than-a-full-day fillyfriend and decided that, while she would tell her eventually, that particular revelation could wait. Fortunately it seemed Rainbow missed the hesitation as she quickly switched tracks, “Even Twilight knows what she’s like and you KNOW how clueless Twilight is.”
“Duh, Pinkie. Everypony knows how clueless Twilight it.” Rainbow replied, not really sure how to answer to the rest of it. She just squirmed a little, all the talk of banging making her a little uncomfortable, despite the song earlier.
“I mean,” Pinkie continued as if Rainbow hadn’t spoken, “Even when that stallion yesterday treated Blossom like a big meanypants, she didn’t act like that. Its almost like-“ Pinkie Pie cut herself off as her right ear wiggled, her left hoof twitched, her tail wagged twice and then her back itched. She gasped deeply, propelled into the air by the lift generated from the revelation her Pinkie Sense had just given her. “Blossomforth has a crush on Cloud Kicker!”
Rainbow burst out laughing. “Come ON Pinks! Blossom is straight as an arrow! You should see her when CK is hitting on her. Hay, she can barely even say the word ‘bang’! There’s no way that she’s got a crush.”
Pinkie blinked at her fillyfriend, feeling slightly hurt at being dismissed so quickly, before she recovered and smiled. Rainbow wasn’t looking quite at her face, so probably didn’t notice how fake it was. “Oh, you’re right of course Dashie. I’m just being a silly-billy Pinkie-winkie.”
“Uhhh… right…. Listen, umm..” Rainbow cast her eyes around. She’d come in originally for a treat, and maybe to take Pinkie out pranking, but suddenly everything felt really awkward. “You wanna go… hang out… or something? Like… isn’t that what we do now?”
The smile became much more genuine as Pinkie replied. “I’d really like that, Dashie. But I promised Mr. and Mrs. Cake I’d clean everything up here.” She gave Rainbow her best doe-eyed look, “Later?”
Yeah like I can say no to that face. “Later sounds good Pinkie. I better go check on the storm.” She looked around the bakery for a moment before planting a quick kiss on Pinkie’s lips and zipping out of the bakery.
The smile didn’t leave Pinkie’s face for a long time as she held her hoof to her lips and stared out the door. Rainbows parting kiss kept her spirits up long enough to get back to work on the tables, but as she emptied out the rest of Blossom’s mug and put the bits in the till, it fell again. All she could think about was that she had made Blossomforth sad, and that was NOT what Pinkie wanted to. It was time for Operation: Make Blossomforth smile.
Step 1: Finish cleaning the kitchen. Because she’d promised.
Step 2: Throw Blossomforth and Cloud Kicker a “Congratulations on getting a promotion” Party. Rainbow had already told her about her plans to make those two her assistant managers.
Step 3: Cloud Kicker would realize that Blossomforth was the only pony for her, especially since they’d be working together a lot now.
Step 4: Profit.
It was foolproof! I mean, sure Cloud Kicker might try her usual “I’ll come over to your place, we’ll bang,” line on some ponies there, but Pinkie was confident she could get Cloudy’s usual playmates to get distracted. And really, it wasn’t like Cloud Kicker would meet the love of her life at that party, right?
“Ooooo…. Chilly spine. That’s a new Pinkie Sense.”
Author's Note
Yes, yes I know I should be working on posting the revised "Herding Behavior of Ponies" but let's face it, I had a shot at playing in the winning-verse, even unofficially, and I took it. Sue me. :-)
Wait, don't sue me! I don't own My Little Pony!
Thanks for reading!
