Hogging The Blankets

by Cryssy-miu

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Romance, Discord, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1469

A hilarious midnight batnering war between two tired immortals

Celestia and Discord were the rulers of Equestria, King and Queen, and husband and wife, but there was a common misconception about the two of them. Just based off many meetings and audiences, both appeared to be very democrat and civil. They never ignited a conflict, but merely solved it with dignity and grace.

However, that never left the royal court.

Beyond royal regiments they needed to adhere to, the two were far from civil when they were with each other at times. And they. Could. Fight.

Set in "Distorted Worlds" pre-events, soon after marriage.

Published 2013-01-27 21:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-27 21:50:01 UTC

Late Night Grievances

“What is this on my hooves?”

Discord's lazy, vermillion eyes lolled up to gaze at said hoof his mare was referring to, which was outstretched and stained with a sticky, brown substance.

“I have trouble getting it all in the toilet sometimes, dearest~” the impish and disgusting creature purred. “Why, with all I eat it's only natural there would be so much of-”

“It's hot fudge, and I told you to clean it up when you were done with your chocolate fondue!” The mare's violet eyes pierced through the draconequus, but having seen it all before, it hardly affected him as he merely rolled his eyes.

“So I forgot a drop or two. Sue me.” He grimaced as his wife smeared the brown liquid over his cheek and walked past him, tossing her crown on the nightstand in exhaustion. It had been a long day, as seen through the black bags under both pairs of eyes, and their unkempt fur and manes. There had been a conflict with Manehattan and Trottinghan, and both rulers had feared it almost reached the point of war. In the heat of threats and promises, they managed to settle things between the towns. Regardless, it had led to two very tired and cranky royals.

“By the way, who was the one that left the carton of milk on the counter?” Discord's lips curled up in a sneer at the way the mare's ears immediately fell and she bit her lip. Busted. “Aren't you the one that told me milk goes rancid if it's left out for too long?”

The snooty Queen merely stuck up her snout and shot a glower back to her annoyed husband. “I had it out for something.”

“Oh, really? Well, what is it then?”

“Huh?”

“What did you have the milk out for?”

She snorted as her magic delicately removed her golden slippers and necklace. “I don't have to tell you.”

“Oh you do too if you're going to badger me for being absent minded, you hypocritical mare,” the spirit snapped.

His wife gaped and flared at him. Her eyes, tired as they were, could project quite the venom. Unfortunately for her, his could as well. The two continued with their vicious glaring contest, until at last the queen merely screwed up her face in disgust.

“Just get some sleep, you overgrown colt.”

Discord clapped the light off, shooting a glare to the queen that glowed angrily in the dark. “How can I when little miss Loud Snout snores loud enough to wake a sleeping dragon? Or maybe even a hundred?”

The queen gasped and seethed, “I do NOT snore!”

“Well there sure in Tartarus isn't a pig in here! Oh wait, I guess there is. A white one.” The insult was worth the swat across his face.

“A what? How dare you, you little...”

“Oh please, we all saw the way you wolfed that cake down at dinnertime. You have the grace of a pregnant hippo when you eat. You should really get that cake addiction looked at. I should see about staging an intervention for you.”

Smoke nearly snorted out of the graceful mare's snout, but she bit back whatever insult she had tucked under her tongue. “Go tosleep, Discord!”

Muttering obvious insults about his wife, Discord angrily unclasped his father's chain and crown, and slammed them onto the table beside him. He instantly felt Celestia shoot up into her elbows as she glared down at him.

“What do you think you're doing?”

Narrowed eyes of his own targeted the queen in irritated slits of vermillion. “I'm putting my crown away so it won't pierce my head again in the middle of the night?!”

“You slammed it!” Celestia snapped. “That's Father's property, show some respect, you careless cretin!”

“You tossed yours!”

“There's a difference between delicately tossing something valuable, to slamming it on a table! Keep treating your crown like that and I'll take it away from you and stick you with your old, dinky, Prince crown that you said looks like a tiara!”

“You can't talk to me like that, I'm the King! I rule this country!”

“And I'm your wife--I rule YOU!”

The two immortals eyed each other venomously, both grinding their teeth. If looks could kill, they each would have combusted into flames by now. Still keeping their belligerent scowls on each other, they slid under the covers, shuffling as far away from each other as possible.

Celestia turned on her side in the dark, her violet eyes glaring at the wallpaper. She nestled under the blankets and shut her eyes.

Crunch, crunch.

An iris slowly opened, blinking in confusion. When all that arose was the sound of distant owls and the soothing wind, she shut them once more.

Munch, munch.

The Queen sat up in the bed, her suspicious eyes roving the dark. Discord was on his side, unbeknownst to the queen, with a box of cookies tucked under his arms. The moment Celestia laid her head back down, he bit down on another cookie.

...Munch.

Light flooded the room and stung their eyes as the Queen pointed an accusing hoof to her husband, and said husband glared and hugged his cookies.

“Aha! You're eating cookies, aren't you?!”

He scowled right back to her, crumbs on his mouth, and cookie spewing out with every word. “No'mmmf not!” A growl rose in his throat as she grabbed a hold of the bag. His lion claws extracted, clinging as well as the two locked into a vicious tug of war.

“I told you not to eat cookies in the bed!”

“Go to Tartarus!” Discord snarled back.

“YOU go to Tartarus!”

“Great comeback, Tightflank!”

Wrathful, violet eyes widened and promptly narrowed. Her horn began to glow with a raging aura, encasing the cookie bag. Discord matched her efforts as he latched onto the bag with his fangs and began growling like a lion.

“Discord!” Celestia snarled, “Let GO, you animal!”

The bag tore up the seam, sending cookies raining down on them like a storm of chocolate tidbits. Discord eagerly caught a bunch of them in his mouth, while his seething alicorn mate sat there and let herself boil.

“Forget Father's old switch, I need to pull up an entire tree to deal with you, you spoiled brat.”

“Oh a brat, am I? For merely enjoying the wonderful combination of sugar and chocolate that the gods gave to us?”

Cursing and spewing vulgarities under her breath, much to her husband's amusement (as Celestia never swore), the Queen brushed off the sea of crumbs and cookies, and laid down. “I'll deal with you tomorrow. Just go to sleep.”

“Fine.”

A swift yank, and Discord had almost entirely pulled the blanket off of the shivering mare. For the umpteenth time that night, she sat up to glare at him.

“Don't just steal the blankets! So you're a blanket hogger as well as a pig!”

“No, no, my dear,” the draconequus responded as he sat up. He snapped his fingers, summoning a piece of floating cake. “That would be you. Oink, oink.” He growled as she took the plate and hurled it into his face. Grabbing one side of the blanket, Discord started to tug. “Now let go.”

“You let go, you freak!”

Yank.

“No, YOU let go, you overinflated marshmallow!”

“Multicolored meat sausage!”

“Rainbow haired priss!”

“UGLY PONY EXPERIMENT GONE WRONG!”

“FAT FLANKS! AS IF THAT BLANKET COULD COVER YOUR BIG BUTT ANYWAY!”

The blanket tore in half, sending Celestia back into her pillow, and Discord off the side of the bed as a sickening crack was heard.

The alicorn gasped lowly, clutching the torn blanket to her chin. “...D...Discord?”

“....Ow.”

xxxxxxxx

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah...”

“Does it hurt?”

“Yeah...”

The two sat together in front of a roaring fireplace; a certain draconequus bundled like a baby in his wife's lap as she pressed a pack of ice to his forehead. Discord gingerly touched the lump with his paw, and withdrew it with a squeal.

“My poor baby,” Celestia crooned, her lower lip jutting out in a trembling pout.

“Baby fall down go boom...” Discord winced from the pain, but a twinkling, vermillion eye gazed up at her with sheepish guilt. “I'm sorry.” He reached back and pat his wife's white derriere with a lion paw. “It's really not that big.”

The Queen giggled as her snout dove down, lovingly nuzzling her husband's furry face with her own. “And you're really not that much of a brat...”

He nestled into his mare's warm chest as she tucked her wings around his serpentine form. “Let's get some sleep.”

Nodding in agreement, the Queen pulled up one half of the blanket and tucked him in, while he pulled the other half over her and tucked her in.