MC Romney

by Good Christian Ethesto

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2379

After losing the presidential election, Mitt Romney decided to become the greatest rapper in the entire universe. So when MC Twilight starts thinking she's hot stuff, it's up to him to put her in her place. Rap will never be the same again.

After losing the presidential election, Mitt Romney decided to become the greatest rapper in the entire universe. So when MC Twilight starts thinking she's hot stuff, it's up to him to put her in her place. Rap will never be the same again.

Published 2013-01-30 06:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-30 06:10:01 UTC

MC Romney vs MC Twilight

It was another happy day in Ponyville, the ponies laughed and no one wore a frown. All but two ponies who had just received a verbal smack down. They were amateur rappers, just tryin' ta be cool, but their rhymes fell flat and now they're lookin' like fools. With their heads held low, they walked out of town. Sadly, not even they could beat the best MC around.

MC Twilight was her name, a master of word play. A skill developed from reading hundreds of books every day. She ran the local library during the day with her assistant MC Spike, but at night she was the queen of the mic. No pony, not even MC Rarity, could match her rhymes. The other MC's had tried dozens of times. It never worked, though, she put her opponents to bed. Eventually, however, it went to her head.

She C-stepped around town in a swaggalicious gait, she knew she was cool and no matter what haters would hate. She wore a gold-chained necklace reading '#YOLO SWAG', and in her magic she held a joint from which she took a long drag. Drugs were illegal, but she still smoked them all the time. She's totally not addicted though, she could drop her habit on a dime. Thankfully, the cops didn't disturb her, all she wanted was peace. The fuzz were always on her nuts, fuck da po-lice.

Her travels took her to sugarcube corner where she would get some noms. And if MC Pinkie challenged her again she was ready to drop some major lyrical bombs. Her friends were all inside, feasting on delicious cake. She pushed them aside with magic and of their food she did partake. They were upset, mad even, but they knew not to mess. She could verbally destroy them all, more or less. MC Twilight consumed the cake without a hint of remorse, she was so hungry she could literally eat an entire horse! She's not a cannibal, though, like MC Hannibal. It's just a figure of speech, eating ponies would be awful.

After finishing her meal, MC Twilight up and left. Her 'friends' were all upset about the cake and sat around the table bereft. MC Twilight didn't care, though, feelings were for queers. She'd learned that from studying friendship for all of these years. She was on her way back to the library and all was right, when the sky suddenly illuminated with some ungodly light. She covered her eyes with a hoof, confused beyond belief, when the light suddenly stopped to everypony's relief.

This was soon replaced with shock as not ten feet away, stood a new bipedal MC whose hair was gray. He was clearly a human, of that there was no doubt, and all the ponies gaped at him like a school of confused trout. Humans weren't real, they were only a myth! Like dinosaurs and robots and the force bending sith. However, this human was real, that much was true, and if MC Twilight had read the omens she'd realize her days of being champion were through.

For this was no ordinary hu-human MC. He was the best rapper ever, Mitt 'the mic' Romney. A title earned from countless battles across hundreds of planes. No matter where he went, the results were the same. He never lost a match, not even to the 'rap lord' Todd because he rapped for Jesus, and his rhymes were blessed by God. You see, he's both a mormon and a hardcore republican too. With these things combined, this day was surely one MC Twilight would rue.

She was arrogant, though, and cocky beyond belief, and she stared at this newcomer with gritted teeth. Who was he to step into her turf completely unannounced? The other ponies knew shit was about to go down and some of them bounced. The rest stayed and watched, eager to see, if this newcomer could beat their champion pony.

MC Twilight took a few steps forward, head held high, she was about to rap him into submission, at least she would try. "The names MC Twilight and I'm the rap queen of this street. If I were you I'd beat my meat into a hasty retreat."

MC Romney wasn't impressed, not even a bit. Meat rhymes have always been complete and utter shit. "I'm MC Romney  droppin' in to show you how it's done, out rhymin' little punks like you is always such great fun. This aint a battle you can hope to win so you'd best run. My rhymes are so hot, my words burn like the sun."

Twilight was slightly taken aback by her opponents apparent skill. She was used to facing MCs whose experience equaled nil. "Ha! You think you're fly beaming from the sky? I'm the best there is in all the world so you shouldn't even try. My words are like bullets, they'll cut right through you 'til you die, or at the very least cry like that bitch, MC Pinkie Pie."

"You talk tuff, sure, but compared to me your just a whinny mule. I'm the one who put the 'k' in capital 'KEWL'! You were the best on this world, but not any more. Your rhymes are a snore you cantankerous whore, I don't need a mop, I'll just use you to wipe the floor. When I get on the mic the ponies can't ignore, the way you moan like a bitch as I sweep you out the door."

MC Twilight was mad now, no one talks to her like that! She would show him her true power and all his rhymes would fall flat! "My name is MC Twilight, but everypony knows, I'm the rap master around these parts so what I say goes. I rhyme about books cuz that's what I read. And every mare in town has swallowed my seed. I'm fuckin' super magical, I got trained by the best. My cutie mark is magic, facing you is hardly a test. I have so many friends I'm as popular as air. Who are you again? Wait, I don't even care. I'm an element of harmony you're probably tryin' to find dates on eharmony, and I have so much money it's not even funny. My house is a tree, yeah you fuckin' heard me right. It's a tree library and it's hella tight."

MC Romney wasn't even phased, he'd heard it all before. Compared to some others, her rhymes were a bore. "The names MC Romney, you best not forget, 'cuz I'm about to make your verses look like piles of shit. I'll tell you a bit about me since I know that you care, I see you admirin' my body, I've caught your stare. I'm sexy and I know it, I aint afraid to show it, and if you weren't a horse, I'd ask you to blow it. Bestiality's a sin, though, and I'm a man of God, so sadly I can't fill you with my 12-inch rod. I pray to Jesus every day to smite my enemies, and he loves me so much he's happy to appease, and quick to please, zappin' the haters like fleas. All he sees is me worshipping all the time, and I hate the negros, being black should be a crime. They like grape soda but I prefer lemon-lime. Why? Because the taste is sublime. And I hate the gays, gay marriage should be banned. Marriage is between one woman and one man."

He could have gone on forever rapping about Jesus and such, but he decided to give MC Twilight a chance, in the end it wouldn't matter much. MC Twilight scowled in rage, no one gave her flack! She wasn't about to let this guy come into town and make her look whack. So she was gonna rap back, she knew she had this in the sack. She was no quack or hack! And if he continued givin' her lip he'd be on the right track to receiving a back-handed smack even worse than the one she gave MC Big Mac.

"You say that you're sexy, I'd have to disagree. I've seen sexier things in my toilet, go ahead and see. I'm the hottest mare there is, I'm practically sizzlin'. Critics review my flank and give it a ten out a' ten. You rap about Jesus, who's that, your lover? Do you get down on your knees when you penetrate each other? You say you don't like gays but your hair is as homosexual as it gets. How much did you pay for that haircut, two bits? But enough about you, let's talk about me. Time is money and, bitch, mine aint free. When I get on the mic even MC Celestia- agrees I'm the best in all of Equestria. They sell action figures of me in the Canterlot Galleria, and I got a sweet bumper sticker that says 'POW MIA'. My assistant is a dragon, what have you got? When he lights you on fire, maybe you'll finally look hot. I'm a mother fuckin' hero, I've saved the day so many times I lost count. I ride into battle using your mom as a mount!"

MC Romney wasn't about to let his mother get insulted by some pony asshole. MC Twilight would be sorry, his rhymes were about to get brutal. "I'm about to sweep you aside with my lyrical broom, and it's not a republican 'party' 'til I step in the room. I want a small government, I'm conservative as fuck, I'm the 1%, so taxes on the rich really suck. Woman aren't equal, if they leave the house it's a sin. Their place is making sandwiches in the kitchen for men. Abortion is murder, I'm pro life. If you kill your fetus I'll slit your fucking throat with a knife. I have the right to bear arms, it's an amendment. You try to take it away and hell's where you'll be sent. Separation of church and state? Fuck that part, everybody needs to let God into their heart. You say you're a hero, that can't be right, 'cuz I'm battlin' you and you're not even putting up a fight."

Of course MC Romney wasn't done, no not even close. He wouldn't be satisfied 'til MC Twilight was toast, and a ghost of her former rapping self forgotten by most. He put his hands together and prayed with all his might, he needed his co rapper to finish this fight right. His prayers were heeded, and he looked to the skies with a beck, as down from the heavens descended MC Shrek.

MC Shrek looked down and was shocked to see, the enemy rapper was a purple, horned donkey! MC Twilight was shocked too, she couldn't believe her eyes. Had a big, green troll just come down from the skies? She opened her mouth to talk, but couldn't continue, as MC Shrek was about to serve her, his rhymes were on the menu.

"I'm MC Shrek and I can spew rhymes all day. Better out than in, that's what I always say. If you wanted to get beaten, then look no further, your days of rappin' in this town are all OGRE! I have an ogre bitch 'cuz I like my women thick. It takes a lot of woman to handle my huge, ogre dick. I eat anything, and like fat bastard I'll put you in my belly. I'll squeeze out your eye-juices and use them as jelly. I have layers, same goes for all of my kin, but I'm not like a cake, I'm like an onion. Ut-oh, it looks like my verse is almost through. That'll do purple donkey, that'll do." But he wasn't done quite yet, there had to be a lesson to this trial, so he told her his motto with a trollish smile. "You'd best check yourself before you Shrek yourself."

"MC Romney back at it again, and if you rap against me be prepared for eternal damnation, hows your skin burning off for a new sensation? My words'll shake you worse than that earthquake shook the Haitians. 'Cuz everything I do, I do for God, and I thank him everyday for my sweet ass bod, and with God on my side it's over for you. Nothings ever been more true than that your days of rapping are through. You think that you're rich? You think that your cool? I had more money than you before I even left grade school. I'm a millionaire, bitch, I have more money than I can eat. I can afford gold on everything, even my toilet seat!-"

He wasn't able to rap any further, to MC Twilight's relief, as the skies shone for a third time and down came the acting chief. His acting was good, some would even call it 'amazing', and from where he's from he's also the rap king. He wasn't about to let MC Twilight take all the heat, so sit back and relax 'cuz you're in for a treat.

"I'm MC Nicolas Cage and you best take a seat, my rhymes will knock you off your feet 'cuz they're hella neat. I'm in a lot of movies 'cuz my acting is the best, though I must confess ghost rider 2 was just a mess. MC Romney? You couldn't even talk your way into office. It looks like not even God could grant you your presidential wish. You didn't even run a clean race your party threw so much mud, I ought to drag you to the sidewalk and beat you 'til you piss blood. MC Shrek, I have nothing bad to say, I'm a brogre, so I pray to you every single day. I'd feel bad, but this is a verbal smack down you earned. I'll insult you so bad you'll ask 'HOW'D I GET BURNED?!'. In 'Stolen', a master thief was my part, but in the bedroom, all I'm stealing is your wife's heart. She loves me so much, I just think it's funny, and not even killing me will bring back your honey! I'm an entertainer, my movies aim to please, no, no! NO! NOT THE BEES! I'm helping out MC Twilight 'cuz my favorite color's purple........."