I'm a...Little Dragon

by Angelus Alvus

Rating: teen
Tags: Sad, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Dark
Length: 2954

Spike ponders about his life any comes to a conclusion about himself. Oneshot

How can guilty affect someone? Some don't feel any remorse for their actions, others only apologize when they do bad things and others apologize for things they had never done.
Spike's thinks about his life and how his actions had led to bad consequences.

Published 2013-01-29 01:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-29 01:30:01 UTC

Mind's Decay

Am I a bad dragon?

I think I am…I mean, why else would my life go wrong so many times?

I think it all began with Owlowiscious. I was a big jerk to him when we first met. I even tried to frame him for murder for Celestia’s sake.

I'm a dishonest, little dragon.

He even saved me from a big dragon, despite how I treated him. We ended up becoming friends. I don’t think I deserved his friendship.

Then there was the Grand Galloping Gala. I still remember how I felt when I thought I wasn’t going to be invited. Thankfully Celestia didn’t forget about me. She never did…Anyway, I thought I was going to have a good time with my “friends” but they all planned to do something else. I was left abandoned. Alone. I wanted them to hang out with me so we all could have a good time.

But that was selfish, I know. I simply left the party, removed the formal clothing and went to Pony Joe’s donut shop to drown myself in food, trying to take my mind off those thoughts. I knew they were bad feelings.I can’t possibly demand others to spend time with me at the party when all of them already had plans. would they do at the party if they ever got invited long before they even met me. Plus their plans are very important to them. It was another selfish feeling of mine.

After I fully realized that, they showed up and we had a good time at Pony Joe’s. Even Celestia showed up! I had good dreams remembering the rest of that night.

But my happiness didn’t last for long. A chaos demigod called Discord showed up and tried to destroy everything for his amusement. He even somehow managed to turn Twilight’s friends against her and each other.

They were all acting strange thanks to Discord’s influence. Thankfully, Celestia reminded Twilight of the things that reallymattered. I believe she knew how Discord would try break their spirits, so she gathered all the letters Twilight sent her and them sent them back. Through me.

It was both painful and nauseating. I begged for the pain to stop, but if Celestia stopped sending letters to Twilight, then Discord would have won. I was selfish again. Yes it hurt, but there were more things at stake than just my stomach. I know that now.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that Twilight distances herself from me a lot lately. She spends a lot of time with her friends and often doesn’t even bother to ask if I want to come too. She simply tells me “Bye Spike I’m going to have fun with my friends. Take care of the library while I'm gone.” And then she's gone.

It hurts me. A lot. I know her so well, but she seems to know nothing about me. And I’m not talking about dragon-related factoids. I knew something was really off with her when she went crazy over a letter and she refused to listen to me. I know this is a bad thing to say, but I felt relieved when she didn’t take her friends seriously either.

I guess it’s because if she had listened to them instead of me, I would have felt even worse. But I knew that Celestia would have been able to help her.

Am I being greedy for wanting to be included in Twilight’s life? She just left me alone at home while she went to Canterlot to celebrate her birthday. I baked her a cake and cookies, but she only came home late at night and went straight to sleep.

There was no apology. She didn't seem to care whether I was there or not. I wanted to scream. I wanted to insult her. But I didn’t. I was afraid of many things. If I tell her how I truly feel, she might not let me stay in Ponyville. Then where would I go? I have nopony else. As much as I think Celestia cares about me, I don’t think she would ever favor me during a big fight with Twilight.

But I tried to convince myself that Twi never did those things to hurt me. She just didn’t know what she was doing to me. I wanted her to ask me what was wrong, so I could give a small non-aggressive speech about how lonely I’ve been feeling.

But she never asked. I constantly wondered if she never asked for being oblivious to my situation or because she simply didn’t care. I know I shouldn’t be thinking this even after all the things she had done to me. Plus, I felt too scared of being straight forward with her.

Then there was my birthday. For the first time ever since I got to Ponyville I felt loved by everyone. They gave me so much presents that I didn’t even know what to say. I was so thankful for their kindness I guess I kinda creeped them out a little.

Talking about creeping them out, despite of the fact that I had loved the beginning of my birthday I soon grew to hate it when I discovered that wanting things turns me into a monster.

I’m a dishonest, greedy, little dragon.

Thankfully, nopony got hurt too badly and Celestia covered the expenses to rebuild everything I had destroyed. I feared what Celestia would do to me, but after she learned of my condition she advised everypony to not give me much presents anymore, which some translated as “don’t even look at the beast”. I was already an oddball there and now some looked at me with spite, other with fear. Few actually kept being friendly to me. But I wonder how many of them were actually just acting out of fear.

What made me return to normal was the sacrifice I made to Rarity. I’m not sure how I feel towards Rarity anymore. She is the most beautiful pony I’ve ever seen in my life, and it pained me, but I gave away my most precious gem to her. I couldn’t eat it anymore knowing that she desired it so bad.

I wonder if she kept me silent just so she wouldn’t have to turn me down. But part of me hoped that she did it because she liked me back. I…still don’t know. She makes me do a bunch of things for her up until this day and she barely does anything back for me as if she expects me do all those things without having to give in return. I've noticed she also does that with many stallions.

I think I have to be thankful to Dash for asking Rarity for me about my “payment”. She them gave me a very small gem for taking care of her pet. I learnt it was very valuable later, but I would rather have gotten a bigger one, but I guess I was really amazed for her to give me anything at all. Maybe if I simply asked her how she truly felt about me, I could end this heartache I have concerning her.

But I’m a dishonest, greedy, cowardly, little dragon.

But I think I’m getting ahead of myself. After the “Monster Spike Incident”, as some people in Ponyville liked to call when they thought I couldn’t hear them, I barely had any contact with other ponies. Whether it was intentional or not.

I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or not, but are my “friends” good actors? I ask this because they seemed to have forgiven me way too fast. Were they sacred of me? I didn’t know. And I feared to ask. But aren’t friends supposed to forgive each other? They forgave me. Right?

I’m a dishonest, greedy, cowardly, untrusting, little dragon.

I’ve decided to avoid everypony for a while hoping for them to eventually forget about what happened. It worked. Kinda.

Now instead of flat out running or doing absurd things to avoid me the citizen who didn’t like me just gave me hard glares.

This whole thing made me realize I was unwelcome there. I was dangerous to those I cared. It was then when I heard that the Dragon Migration was about to happen.

Despite of the fact that I almost destroyed Ponyville and that I have scales, eat gems and breath fire there isn’t anything draconic about my actual behavior. I then decided to find out who I truly was.

I thought I could find out more about dragons and…maybe just maybe…about my parents. Fortunately, Twilight allowed me to go. I guess she wanted me to discover more about myself and even learn more herself, since she was there to save me.

Garble and the others wanted to kill an innocent egg for fun. Not that there’s any excuse for someone to do it anyway. I simply couldn’t let them kill someone even if it cost my life.

Twi, Rarity and Rainbow Dash then showed up and helped me to escape with the egg. Sadly, the phoenix couple fled with their other children and there was no way we could track them. At the moment at least.

The dragons I met were big evil jerks. I didn’t want to be like them. I don’t think it’s fun to kill or hurt others for amusement. I vowed to never be like them even if I had to give up on the whole “being a real dragon” thing.

The egg soon hatched and I named the little phoenix Peewee. I really loved him. I wanted to be a good parent and role model for him. We had a lot of fun, but as usual, every time I feel too happy and comfortable with a situation, it drastically changes.

For a few times Twilight got the short end of the stick, for a change, during games between Peewee, Owlowiscious and me or during an accident involving a cake. For some reason she started to say Peewee didn’t belong there with us, but with his family.

I wanted to protest, but I couldn’t. How could I? I would never allow myself to take away from Peewee what I could never have: a real family. Twilight studied a few spells and managed to track down Peewee’s parents. I was happy for him. I truly was. But…why Twilight or Celestia never tried to help me find my real family.

Were they dead? Did they abandon me? Did they simply lost me? All Celestia ever told me was that she found my egg unprotected and between rocks. I simply didn’t know what really happened to my parents. And again my cowardice stood in the way of asking directly for Twilight to help me the same time I was angry at her for not offering to help me find them. How can she say Peewee is much better with his parents and say I’m fine the way I am?

I’m a lying, greedy, cowardly, untrusting, unloved little dragon.

I always feared being abandoned by Twilight. It plagues me to this date. She eventually found out about this back in the Crystal Empire. She assured me she would never do such a thing. But why does my mind say that she was only telling me this because if she told me the contrary she would sound like a bad person and would be abandoned by Celestia, which is her biggest fear.

My biggest fear is losing the only person that I think that cares about me and her biggest fear is to not be Celestia’s student anymore. This…made me angry…

I know it’s wrong. I know I shouldn’t feel this way. But I do.

I was then sure I shouldn’t try be a pony anymore. Even though that was what I taught Peewee. So I came up with something called Noble Dragon Code. So much for the whole "being a pony" thing.

I’m a lying, greedy, cowardly, untrusting, unloved, contradictory, little dragon.

I tried to help Applejack at her farm, but I messed things up really bad. The ever organized Spike was reduced to a bumbling idiot all thanks to nervousness. It’s all thanks to my expectation of living by this new set of morals.

Funny thing, I had never felt this nervous when I helped Twilight or Rarity. I knew I was doing more damage than helping, but if I admitted that Applejack would surely not let me continue helping her. Not that I did much to help anyway. I wanted to apologize for everything every time I messed up something, but I stopped myself…

I’m a lying, greedy, cowardly, untrusting, unloved, contradictory, prideful, little dragon.

Funny thing about pride: it always get in the way. Discord and Queen Chrysalis were defeated thanks to their inflated egos yet here I was trying to do something that was turning me into something I didn’t want to become.

Then I got greedy again. I started to ask my “friends” to let me take care of their pets in exchange for gemstones. I ate all the I already had, but I was too prideful to admit I let my gluttony take charge of my actions, so I acted like an idiot. Again.

If I had agreed to take care of the pets, but Angel, maybe nothing bad would have happened. But…I’m happy that it happened? Yes. I can’t think any other way. This…whole thing was good for me.

I tried to ask my friends for gemstones to take care of their pets. I should have done it for free. I shouldn’t have charged them for that. Who cares if I can’t find gems on my own. I use to rely on Twilight, Rarity or Celestia’s monthly supply. I shouldn’t desire more. It’s wrong.

Angel hates me because I’m a bad dragon. I even dragged the Cutie Mark Crusaders along with my greediness and gluttony.

Needless to say I lost everything I worked so hard to obtain. Why? Because I deserved.

I overheard Twilight talking about me in the train. She had no idea we were there. She said she had high expectations of me. One thing I’ve learned in my life is that people like to badmouth me when they think I can’t hear them. Dragons have a good hearing.

They were talking about me and they weren’t insulting me behind my back like I've always suspected. Then it downed me.

I was an evil little dragon.

I wanted others to pay attention to me when I don’t deserve. When I have these bad feelings inside me. Most of the times good things happened to me were when I admitted I was being bad to myself. I’m on the same level as those dragons I met during the migration. Garble and the others were evil dragons, but guess what? They didn’t succumb to dragon greediness like I did, if they did, how would they have reversed back to normal since generosity is the key of reversing back? Maybe there’s more to them that I initially thought?

I’m not a murderer like them, but I’m a lying, greedy, cowardly, untrusting, unloved, contradictory, prideful, little dragon. Just because someone don’t have one bad trait, it doesn’t mean this same person doesn’t have a plenty of other bad traits, and this is just as putrid.

I deserved everything bad that has ever happened to me up until this point. I don’t deserve anything good in my life. It’s my fault I almost destroyed Ponyville, it’s my fault I endangered Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Rarity, because they had to come watch over me. I’s also my fault that Peewee was away from his family longer than he should. It’s…Everything is my fault.

And again, after I admitted to Angel that I’ve been bad, he didn’t denounce me to the others and he even brought one gem back to me.

This only proves all I deserve in my life is punishment and any good thing will only happen when I keep in mind how rotten I am and try do my very best to not let anything go out of my control. I don’t need to share this with the others. They don’t deserve to be burdened with such thoughts. I would be a bad little dragon if I somehow ruined Twilight’s happiness.

She doesn’t see me as her friend. I’m her assistant. She even made it very clear when she found out about her brother’s marriage. I wasn’t her friend before she came to Ponyville and I’m not her friend even after that. This had hurt me so much I couldn’t bring myself to give her any support when the others thought she was going crazy again during the wedding. And I was proven I was wrong once more. She forgave all of us. But the reason why I didn’t support her was because I was upset with her, not because what she said wasn’t plausible. I’ve seen weirder stuff.

I care about Twi. I really do. So I can’t demand anything from her when she already told me what I’m to her. It’s irrational. It’s vile of me to give her any worry when she already gave me so much. I’ve already gave her plenty already.

I’ll have to keep looking and moving forward and always keeping myself in check to not let any bad thought take over me again.

I…want to be a good little dragon.

Author's Note

1)I don’t own My Little Pony Friendship is Magic
2)English is my second language so forgive me for any mistake
3)Thank you, Vexy, for your patience and help to fix my grammar mistakes in this story.