Oh god, what have I done.
“It’s a curtain. Did you know that? It’s something for me to hide behind. You see... the others... they... Think they’re better than me, y’know?”
“You know that level, where you here ponies talk about being afraid that people are all judging you? And you know how all the ones that, say... chop up a school... They’re all passed that. They get pissed at them. ‘oh, you think you’re better than me?’. I was there, bro. I was at that level; ready to hack them apart.”
“...And in all honesty, I have no drive. All of my drive is... It’s in this one right here. I need to keep her safe, y’know? Nopony understands that. I don’t have motives. I don’t have drive. All I have is... My head. Auditory hallucinations, I mean. They say ‘Oh, Shine! Deck that motherbucker right there’. And y’know? Sometimes I listen...”
To say that I didn’t expect it would be a lie. The loss of my best friend. The loss of the only pony that kept me on the ground. I think we all somewhat knew that it was going to happen. But hell, we were all too caught up in our own addictions... Too caught up in our own bullshit... to see that he needed help. No, actually... I think we knew. I just don’t think any of us had the strength to help him.
I look down the row; the amount of black forcing bile to rise in my throat. This was pleasantries. I don’t think a single one of the ponies here really care about the fact that he’s gone. I don’t think that for a single damn second. They’re here because it’s ‘the right thing to do’, or because they want to ‘send us their best wishes’. Fuck them. Fuck that.
His parents stand at the head of the room; both weeping quietly to the melancholy audience before them. They lost a son. Ponyville may have lost a colt, but they lost a sun. I watch as each of the grim representatives pays their respects to the closed casket; each one uttering the same bullshit phrases. Quiet weeping. That’s all that I can hear from my place in the back of the room.
The five of us stand in an awkward silence; each in some form of drug induced haze. We all saw it coming, which only helped to soften the blow. On a basic level, though, we all understood. Six had become five that day. Six had become five on the day our friend hung himself in his bathroom.
By the time anyone had found him, it was far too late. From what the paramedics said, he’d been dead for a few hours. The body was getting cold. His parents had been fighting again, just like they always did. His friends were all just as bad as he was. Monotony was his life; and a way out was in sight.
Oh, It’s my turn? Ugh, fuck. I had hoped that I wouldn’t have had to speak. My hooves echo in the sterile room. The dead room. For the first time I find them all looking at me. I hate that they’re all looking at me. I see their wide eyes, reddened and bloodshot from what’s been thrust upon them. I wonder if he knew what kind of impact this would have on us. I wonder if he cared.
“You want to know what this long mane is for?”, I started; my voice already starting waver. “This long mane? It’s a curtain. Something for me to hide behind. When everything starts to go downhill, it’s something that I can take solace under. This long mane? It’s a safety net. It’s a shell. This long mane is what separates you and I. It’s all that I see keeping us from killing eachother, these long manes of ours...
Hello there, I’m Glassy. Shine here? My best friend. The pony that had been there from day one. He’d always been there. He always made sure he was there... But I guess that... I guess that it’s no surprise this happened. I think that anypony that truly knew him expected this at one point. And the rest of you? This is probably such a shock. This is probably something that’s going to scar the foals in the audience. Y’all interested in why my friend Shine here is dead? It’s quite simple really.
You.
You’re all the reason that my best friend is dead.”
A gasp; the audience recoils from what I’d just said. Crying has now become louder, mingling evilly with the now angry chatter. Who was I to point hooves? I wasn’t anypony. That’s what I’m getting at. This is fucking high society. Want to guess what that does to us colts and fillies?
“All of you. I hope that you’re happy. God knows that the five of us that actually tried aren’t. You lost a distant cousin? A face that you see once in a blue moon? That’s cute. Really fucking cute. Want to know what we lost? We lost a huge part of ourselves. We lost something that kept us who were are. Shine was family to me. Shine was somepony that was closer to me than my actual family...”
I turned, taking the mic with me as I directed my attention on his parents. His mother was a sobbing mess; his father an angry wreck. Hatred flowed in those eyes that stared back at me. Who was I to say anything? Who was I to tell them the truth. I wasn’t anypony. I never wanted to be.
“And his loving parents. Yes his loving parents. Goddesses know that they were there. Goddesses know that they aren’t abusive. And goddesses know that they didn’t spent their time ignoring the one damn thing they had that mattered. In all honesty? It was you two. Depression isn’t a fad, folks. You think that sending him to a mare he hates, and shoving pills down his throat will make him okay? Pathetic.”
I was ready. I was going to do it. What was left? The other five were a doped up mess. He was who I had. All I had. My parents were just as bad as his. Worse, even. But I couldn’t help but shake the feeling that was I was doing was.... wrong..... I reached into the pocket of my tux; a silver blade levitating on my hoof. My last words? They weren’t anything special. I don’t even remember them. I just remember the feeling of the world going cold. The screaming. The sheer bliss that I felt...
Two ponies sat at a table; the solid white room encasing them was devoid of anything else. One was talking, the other was taking notes. One was young, the other was ancient. And yet, here they were. Here they sat.
“It felt great, y’know? I was free. I can finally do what I wanted t-”.
He found himself unable to speak; too focused on the mare before him.
Her throat was slit; a huge gash sitting from ear to ear. The head atop wore a smile of a similar kind. He was overcome with shock at the mare before him. His best friend. The only one he’d ever loved.
“See... now... I told you I’d come and find you if you ever did this... Hanging yourself in the bathroom? You could’ve at least used a better method...”
