Ronald Reagan's Equestrian Night-Mare
“What do you think it is?” Twilight asked as Reagan lay on the ground, conscious (because Reagan is too American to faint). He opened his old, patriotic eyes slowly to see the purple unicorn staring directly at him from above. Fluttershy was blinded by his personal freedoms and natural born rights and began to cry. Poor Fluttershy had never seen... an American before.
“Don’t cry, Fluttershy” Twilight started, she turned to Reagan, “sorry, capitalism scares her.”
Reagan winked and gave a thumbs up, “don’t be afraid of capitalism, embrace it, small horse thing! Fight communism and be free souls!”
Reagan gave a puzzled look at the purple horse when there was no applause.
“Don’t say that too loud” Twilight said as she looked around, “the KGB might find us!”
“We’re in communist territory!?” Reagan blurted, “where are the nuclear armaments!? Quick!”
“We don’t have any. We are two of the only three ponies that are part of the resistance. Can you believe our Princess is trying to make Equestria a community!? No private business. No freedoms.”
“The horror!” Reagan gasped. He soon realized that his arch nemesis had returned to haunt him; the wall. Walls were all around him, staring endlessly into his capitalist soul, attempting to shatter him with their communist eyes.
Weird.
The yellow horse that was called by the name of Fluttershy bit her hooves nervously.
“She listens to far too much heavy metal, after all these years it’s put her on edge. I hate Celestia. Forcing us to listen to that devil music” Twilight said with an awkward laugh because she knows Fluttershy is really just bat shit insane.
“Celestia?” Reagan replied.
“The evil communist princess.”
“Oh. So basically Gorbachev’s equivalent. Do you have a name young lady?”
Twilight started but Fluttershy interrupted, “Fluttershy.”
“She talks too?”
“Yes, and I’m Twilight Sparkle. Proud member of the resistance.”
Light beams down through the heavens as Reagan states his credentials, “okay, well I’m Ronald Wilson Reagan, fortieth president of the United States of America” he goes on to say, “are you part of the resistance too, Fluttershy?”
“Of course I am. First lieutenant.”
“You have rankings?”
Twilight said with a disappointed expression on her face, “Yes. I’m treasurer. Rarity’s CEO.”
“HA. Pft. Treasurer. But anyways, your ranking system makes no sense whatsoever but I’m not one to jud...” Reagan starts to flip a shit and karate kick random household items.
“What is it mister?” Fluttershy said holding back a sequel.
“Hey! Those books are rare!” Twilight exasperates, “wait, no. They’re all just different volumes of ‘Why Celestia Is Best Pony.’”
Reagan is wrecking Twilight’s home from the eyes of our ponies but let’s see what Reagan sees:
“AHHHHHHHHHH!” Reagan yells and rams his foot straight through a towering wall. SMASH! There goes the flower pot by the steps. “I don’t want to disappoint you father... Meester Gorbachev! Tear down this wall! Right now!” And there goes the front window. Reagan’s foot has glass in it. Oh no.
Back to reality with a swift kick to nuts delivered by first lieutenant Fluttershy. The glass in the foot was nothing compared to this new found pain. Fuck communism.
...
“Wake up!” Rarity heard the squeal of a changeling from outside. Curse Celestia for putting Chrysalis in charge of the prisoners. Changelings ran all of the camps and gulags in Equestria. When are Twilight and Fluttershy going to get me outta this mess Rarity pondered in her head.
Vinyl Scratch, the whore ass KGB agent that oversaw Rarity’s camp but also secretly gave Rarity a lady boner, kicked the door open and motioned all of the captives outside. Today they would be filling in the gigantic hole they had spent three days digging.
“Grab a shovel ladies! Except you Rarity. You can use your hands.” Rarity sighed, checked her twitter feed, and went for the shovel.
Suddenly everypony saw a blinding flash of light. Dammit those natural born rights and personal freedoms were bright! It was Reagan!
Fluttershy and Twilight were with him. There was a creature like nothing Rarity or the over ponies at the Gulag had ever seen. Is he...? Yes he is! The capitalist monster that Celestia’s prophecy had predicted was standing on the other side of the hole! It’s taught in Equestrian schools you know? That one day a creature would come to Equestria that we would have to fight as a nation to protect communism. Celestia can have him all to herself cause everypony knows deep down inside how much they hate her and her socialist philosophies.
Rarity checked her Twitter page again. She went on to Tweet history: OMG! guys ull nvr believe me but im lookin rght at the capitalis monstr! #omgletsgoowncelestia #yolo #clopftw #revolt #walkingforswag #beerpongwiththepledgeslastnight #whatagreatpledgeclass #thatawkwardmomentwhenthepledgesarefinallyabletooutdrinkyou #ggpledges fuk each other! please! #tabletalk.
Celestia did take away the character limit on Twitter. Rarity loved that. Is Celestia following me? Rarity wondered. No time to check. Too many followers!
Meanwhile across the hole Reagan was fighting off an armada of walls! “For justice! Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!” is echoed across the camp as Reagan throws punches at non existent walls. “Dammit Gorbachev! I thought I told you to tear down these walls!”
“How do we stop it’s psychotic fit!?” Rarity yelled to Twilight.
“It’s name is Ronald Wilson Reagan and he’s here to save Equestria!” came a reply.
Fluttershy went on to kick the shit out of the Vinyl Scratch while Twilight and Rarity finished off the changelings and freed all of the ponies. Reagan was still bitch slapping walls and yelling at Gorbachev.
“Hey, Fluttershy. Do what you have to do” Twilight commanded.
“Okay, treasurer of the resistance” Fluttershy puked words back onto Twilight.
Gross.
Reagan’s nuts felt intense uncomfortableness and so did Fluttershy’s hoof.
“Wow. How’d you guys even get here?” Rarity asked.
“We teleported in with Reagan’s American Pride. Duh” said Fluttershy.
“Now to go get Celestia and put an end to this communist world. But seriously guys, seriously, get some nuclear missiles next time. It’s way easier. I mean, I mean, don’t use them or anything. You know, just, like, make insane empty threats, you know. Like. Yeh.” Reagan stated.
“Yeah we’re kinda low on funds or you know, we would” Twilight said in defense (she is the treasurer).
“Oh. Yeah, yeah. I understand.”
“OH SHIT. The KGB is here Rarity” Twilight said looking to the gate of the gulag. Spike came rolling in like he owned the damn place. What a geed.
“You think you’re wise, eh? Yeah? Yeah? I’ll snap you in half like twig you little bitches!” Spike The KGB Dragon yelled at our heroes.
“I’ve taken shits that are bigger than you Spike!” Rarity returned verbal fire.
“Yeah! You’re supposed to be a dragon!? My dick is bigger than you!” wait! Who the fuck said that!?
“I’ll kick your arse for that!” Spike The KGB Dragon screamed.
Ronald Reagan is slowly watching a tiny lizard morph into a Black Gorbachev “My God...”
Spike and our heroes are brawling while Reagan’s life is flashing before him.
“Must... regain... my strength... I... I need... my... American Pride...”
“Like hell you do” BG replies to Reagan’s mumbling.
“NO! PLEASE! Don’t do this Black Gorbachev!”
And Spike The KGB Dragon (also known as Black Gorbachev (also known as BG) ) snaps Rarity’s neck.
“Oh no!” Fluttershy squeals.
“Reagan! Do something!” Twilight shouts.
“I need... my... American Pride...” Reagan gasps.
“Fluttershy! Distract Spike! We just need to buy time! I think I can get the capitalist monster’s American Pride back!”
“Alright!”
“America is home to six of the top ten Universities in the world and eighty-three of the top four hundred Universities in the world, America is number one in the world in Olympic medals (two thousand six hundred and fifty-three to be exact), Americans have the highest level of personal earnings averaging at about fifty-four thousand four hundred and fifty dollars a year, America gave thirty billion dollars in foreign aid last year, America has the largest Gross Domestic Product on the planet at fifteen trillion five hundred and sixty billion dollars, America has the largest consumer market on the planet with about thirty percent of the world’s purchasing power, America has the most powerful military in the world and accounts for roughly forty percent of the world’s defense budget, America has the most gold reserves in the world, America is the world’s largest producer of beef and cheese, and America is the place Chuck Norris chose to be born!”
And then poor Twilight Sparkle fainted from lack of air while Ronald Reagan regained his American Pride and came everywhere. His cum killed Spike The KGB Dragon. It was too American for the poor Soviet bastard.
...
Reagan proceeded to jizz again because from outside the cell he could see Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy all gimped up and bound in kinky fetish gear.
Suddenly Celestia walks in and begins doing things that are way too messed up for this story. Maybe another time.
Reagan begins trying to devise a plan to get free and kill Celestia so he can wake up and end this madness but he can’t think of anything.
Time passes in Celestia’s torture chamber but Reagan’s mind is still a blank.
Finally, after a long while Reagan notices that Twilight Sparkle has a penis, jizzes, and manages to cut through the bars, kill Celestia, and free Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle all using his cum.
“What’s with your semen?” Twilight asked.
“What did you think my American Pride was?”
“Oh. God.”
“Yeah. So is Equestria saved?”
“I guess so.”
“Aight yo i guess iza gonna bounce den nigga u fillin’ me booboo?”
“Ye yo it cool. Aight.”
“WAIT!” Fluttershy yelled.
“What is it?” Twilight asked.
“I want to see... America...”
“If you guys want to come it’s cool just hop on my dick and my American Pride will take us home.”
“Alright!” Twilight and Fluttershy said at the same time.
And away!
...
“Ron? Ron? Ron wake up!”
“I’m here! I’m here! Where’s my mic?”
“Ron? What are you talking about?”
“Go get your first lady dress on woman. I have a speech to give.”
“Ron... please... no...”
“MEESTER GORBACHEV! TEAR DOWN THIS WALL! RIGHT NOW!”
“DAMMIT RONALD YOUR YOU’RE EIGHTY-NINE YEARS OLD! NOW ACT LIKE IT! THE SOVIET UNION DOESN’T EXIST ANYMORE! YOU’RE NOT EVEN THE PRESIDENT!”
“Woman don’t speak to me that way.”
“Oh my god... you’re not doing acid again are you!? Don’t you lie to me Ronald! Dammit! You just got out of rehab! Son of a bitch, Ronald!”
“Shut the fuck up and lick my American Pride Twilight, and tell Fluttershy to get her ass in here and help.”
Dun. Dun. Dun.
