Carl Bashes Equestria

by Prince Solstice

Rating: teen
Tags: Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Other, Spike, Comedy, Random, Adventure
Length: 3522

Carl is a human who got caught up in an adventure he didn't want to go on.

Carl likes everyday life. Having to wake up and go to work. Watching My Little Pony to escape every once and a while, and bashing peoples stories on FiM Fiction is a new found hobby of his. Little did he know, he would get sucked up into some crappy story about saving Equestria from destruction. What could possibly get worse for Carl.

Inspired by the numerous first timers who think they can break canon, character, and use an alicorn as an O.C.

Published 2013-01-30 10:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-30 10:50:01 UTC

Let the Bashing Commence.

Carl awoke this morning to do his normal boring routine. He didn’t mind it too bad, at least it wasn’t dramatic change. He was an avid addict to FiM Fiction after watching the show My Little Pony Friendship is Magic many times over. He often had to skim through a lot of shit before he could find one worth reading.

He hopped out of bed in his pajamas and opened his lap top with a cup of coffee. FiM Fiction was kind of boring today, no real interesting stories, no real stories to bash, and he really didn’t feel up to writing anything new. Carl decided to look on Memebase, Reddit, and 9gag to provide some entertainment while he drank his coffee. After finishing his weak cup of joe, he just shut his laptop and headed for the bathroom to brush his teeth. he looked in the mirror, he had dark brown hair a semi square jaw, some beard shadow, and his white t-shirt and pajama pants. He applied the blue toothpaste and began his everyday routine. As he was brushing his teeth, the mirror soon started staring back at him. He knew exactly who was staring at him with those yellow and red cartoon eyes.

“What the fuck?!?” Carl uttered through his foamy teeth getting a little bit of the foam on the mirror.

“Oh my, enjoying the boring usual day of yours? Here let’s have some fun.” Discord morphed out of the mirror and clapped his hands.

“No, seriously, what the fu-“Carl was cut off as he was sucked backwards off his feet into the drain of his bath tub.

“Oh carl I think I cut you off, did you mean to say ‘fuck'?” Bright flashing lights were passing him pretty fast, as he heard discords voice in his ear. Finally with a jolt he was thrown down onto a grass field. He carefully looked up through a daze to see a rainbow blur flying up to him. He spit out his toothpaste and soon the Pegasus known as Rainbow Dash was in front of him.

“You okay there sparky?” Carl just looked at the Pegasus in front of him. Just great, he had been thrown into Equestria to learn the magic of friendship. Fucking Discord, he was always causing mischief in the show, and now in Carl’s normal fucking life.

“Alright Rainbow pants, I don’t wanna be here, so what the fuck am I supposed to do? I gotta be at work in like an hour, so I ain’t got all day.” Carl stood up and brushed off his shoulder. Surprisingly he wasn’t a pony, which he liked, and Rainbow Dash just looked at him with a ‘fuck you’ kind of look.

“Look here you cranky human, we get like twenty of you a day, and half of them are still stuck here. We need someone to get rid of these assholes before our next episode!” Dash got right in his face and let out a snort. Carl shooed her away and walked by.

“Alright, fine, are they all human?” Rainbow followed him as he was walking into Ponyville.

“No, things from different universes can choose what from they want to take here in Equestria. Most choose their something called an O.C, but others go off and be dragons and things of that sort. Trust me, you are not the first one here.” Rainbow did a facehoof and let out a sigh. “If you do end up staying you will have to change form eventually.”

After a long awkward silence, Carl had made into Ponyville. Many of the Ponies were staring at Carl in anger, apparently they all knew what a human was, and didn’t care much for it.

“Watch your step, uh, what was your name?” Raibow was walking next to Carl. He looked down at her.

“Carl, and I am still not happy to be here. This shit is just not for me to live in, I enjoy the fandom, the stories, and the show, but I would not want to live here.” Carl looked back up, and started heading towards Twilight’s library.

He headed up to the door and gave it a knock. Soon a tiny purple dragon opened the door.

“Who is i… Oh great, another human.” Spike’s smile faded very quickly. Carl gave Spike an uncaring look.

“Oh great this purple asshole. How is it that in almost three seasons, you are still a greedy little bastard?” Spike looked at him and slouched down. Carl assumed that they knew they were in a show, because Dash mentioned something about it. The dragon couldn’t say anything else as he stepped aside to let Carl and Dash inside. Carl looked around, there were books strewn about everywhere. Twilight was frantically searching through every book for something.

“Where is it, Where is it!” Twilight was shuffling through pages faster than anybody would be able to read.

“Yo, book worm!” Dash giggled at Carl’s name for Twilight. Twilight stopped suddenly and looked over. Her look of curiosity turned into a look of anger.

“Just Great! Another human, who the buck keeps pulling them into Equestria!” Twilight’s mane and tail was a mess, signs she stayed up all night. “You humans have been getting ridiculous, you want to have sex with us ponies all the time, Vinyl Scratch has become an overnight star, and everyone wants to know where the Doctor is. On top of that, people keep pestering Fluttershy so much she hasn't come out in days. Rainbow here is apparently a lesbian and everybody thinks Luna is the better princess!” Twilight let out a snort and was on the verge of turning into fire Twilight because the room had suddenly gotten hotter.

“Look, I’m not here to mingle with those idiots, I just want to go the fuck home so I can get to work. My sudden disappearance into an alternate pony filled universe will not cover my ass for missing a day of work. Plus you ponies are fine the way you are. Oh, and it’s Discord that keeps dragging in humans to your universe. So, can you get my ass home or not?” Carl crossed his arms and started tapping his foot.

“No, I can’t find a single spell that will create a bridge to a different universe.” Twilight suddenly cooled down and looked around her library. She sighed and closed her eyes. “I think we need to go to Canterlot, is there any way you can help us out? You seem to be the only sane human here in Equestria, even if you are a dick.” Twilight looked up at him. Carl was losing his patience with this shit. He shot Rainbow Dash a look who was now laughing at Carl because of Twilight calling him a dick.

“For fucks sakes in all that is under the great Faust, this shit just turned into an adventure, just what I fucking need.” Carl turned around to head out, with the two ponies and spike following.

Carl wasn’t sure what to do next, so he turned to Twilight once they had gotten outside. Twilight was busy trying to straighten out her mane and Dash was lazily following the two. Spike was munching on some chips, fucking fat ass.

“So, what should we do? Get on a train to Canterlot or something? Since ya know having magical teleportation powers won’t get us there.” Carl gave Twilight a smug.

“Look, no pony, not even Celestia can teleport that far. Yea we are taking a train, so get the buck over it.” Twilight gave him an angry look. “The only reason you are coming with us is to help move your brony friends out of the way. We have to get Fluttershy anyways. She’s in her cottage.”

“Oh alright, can we hurry this up. I've already accepted that I’m gonna be late, but why Fluttershy?” Carl gave her a curious look. The ponies in Ponyville still shot him angry looks. All of the sudden a crying Pinkie Pie came running up to Twilight.

“Twilight! Twilight!” Pinkie ran up and basically tackle hugged Twilight. Pinkie was sobbing terribly as Twilight tried to comfort her.

“There, there. Everything is gonna be okay.” Twilight patted her back.

“Pinks what’s wrong with ya?” Pinkie then noticed Rainbow Dash on the other side of Carl. She then tackled Dash and hugged her really tightly.

“Dash! I thought you were dead!” Pinkie was sobbing her eyes out.

“Oh shit, I think I know what happened. Did one of those asshole human ponies tell you about Cupcakes?” Carl looked at Pinkie. Pinkie turned around and nodded.

“The-they said I had killed Dashie here! I would never do that to my friends!” She started sobbing again.

“Hey, Pinkie. Just know that was way out of canon with the show. Everyone knows you aren't a murderer, but some people tend to think that is part of your persona. True bronies know otherwise.” He lied a littel, cause even he thought Pinkie might be a little insane. This seemed to calm Pinkie down a little. Then she noticed who was talking.

“Hey! It’s a human! When did you get here?” Pinkie still had some tears in her eyes but her usual smile had returned.

“Been here for thirty minutes already. I fucking hate every minute of it too.” Carl then proceeded to keep walking to Fluttershy’s house.

“Wait! Why do you not like it here?” Pinkie began to hop behind Carl.

“Because I’d rather be a human. We have hands and opposable thumbs, and we don’t just shit everywhere.” Carl snickered at his own joke, and the ponies just gave him a confused look. He heard Pinkie whisper behind him

“Then where do they do business?” Carl just ignored the question as they finally were in view of Fluttershy’s cottage. It was boarded up, reminding Carl of the Iron Will episode. They made their way across the little bridge and Carl knocked on the door.

“Go away you creeps. I’m sorry, I don’t mean it to hurt your feelings.” Carl knocked again.

“You damn shy pony, just get out here. I gotta get back to Earth to go to my shit job!” Carl started banging on the door.

“No, just go away. I don’t like you humans. You all are so mean, especially to Angel bunny. He didn’t do anything wrong.” Carl heard Fluttershy move around inside, like she was picking up Angel.

“That stupid rabbit…” Carl hatched an idea, “If you don’t come out, I’m gonna kick your chickens.”

“What!” The group behind him simultaneously said in shock.

“You can’t kick her chickens!” Twilight was quickly shushed by Carl. He ran over to the chicken coop and started making terrible chicken noises. Fluttershy bust down the door with a pissed off look on her face.

“You don’t touch my chickens!” She yelled really loudly. She then looked over at her coop, to see Carl standing there with a smug look on his face.

“Good, now that I have your fucking attention. Come on, we gotta get rid of these asshole humans, so you guys can actually have another episode without shit getting all fucking out of canon.” Carl was beginning to get pissed as well. He didn't like it when dickheads anywhere on My Little Pony broke canon without saying something first.

“Oh, that was a mean trick.” Fluttershy blushed a little

Carl was making his way to Sweet Apple Acres with the ponies and spike following. Carl began to think that he had been sucked into some terrible story. Only the main character is an asshole like himself. When they arrived, Applejack and Big Mac ran up with buckets and pitchforks ready to make Carl go away. Twilight quickly stepped out in front of Carl, and the two stopped their assult.

“Twilight! These stupid human ponies have been eating all the apples. I try n’ show some hospitality, n’ a whole herd of them just stampede on through and start eating all the apples.” There were probally at least fourty other ponies on the farm, all eating apples. Even worse, half of them were alicorns. Carl shuttered, as so many ponies with no color coridination sat around talking about how good their O.C is.

“Ugh! Fucking overpowered alicorn O.C’s really! Why! Just why!” Carl yelled at them, they all turned and looked at him. “Yea! I’m talking to you idiots, get the fuck off this farm. You don’t belong here, why haven’t you tried to go back home!” They all shrugged him off and went back to eating apples.

“Fucking twats.” Carl looked at Big Mac in surprise. That’s the last word he'd expect to hear from Big Mac. “If I weren’t so nice, I’d string them all up.” Big Mac said in a pissed off tone.

“Big Mac, did you just say that?” Carl was shocked, so many things about that was so wrong.

“Eyup.” Big mac turned back to Carl. At least one thing stayed the same about him.

“Sorry, Applejack about all these human ponies. They have no sense of what the hell is really going on.” Carl turned his focus to Applejack. He tired hard not to be a dick, but her really wasn't in the mood to play nice.

“It’s alright sugar cube. Apples can grow back, just they keep telling me that I’m some background pony. Like that’s really funny. It doesn’t help they all creep around asking to see my flank.” Applejack got a real angry look on her face and turned red. Carl swore he heard a sizzling sound.

“Well, we are about to head to Canterlot to fix this shit. I’m late for work, and now I have to fix all this fucked up stuff going on.” Carl looked around, and noticed that he forgot about Rarity. “Oh, right after we go and get Rarity.”

“No problem she's right down the road.” Twilight said so matter of factly.

“Fuck, I reall want to to make fun of Rarity for being a stuck up bitch.” Carl smirked and Rainbow Dash got right in Carl’s face.

“You better watch it, you could get a hoof right in the face.” Carl backed off, and gave Dash a smile

“I’m just fucking with ya,I'm ready for this to be over."

"Yea, so are we." Applejack muttered

Carl ignored her, as his patience was running thin. He then realized they needed to get Rarity still, which just made matters worse. For being a brony he wasn't very happy to be in Equestria. Carl wouldn't have minded a visit, but he didn't want a fucking adventure.

Making their way to Rarity, Carl heard the ponies mumbling about how much of a dick he was. Carl couldn't have agreed more. He just was tired and ready to fake some work at his dead end job at his office. Fucking TPS reports. At this point Carl didn't even care if he saved the day here in Equestria, he was just ready to go home. He liked his shit job, his shit routine, and his shitty co-workers. They all made it better for him in the end.

They got to Rarity's place and Carl knocked on the door.

"Coming!" Rarity gretted Carl with her usual smile, and then it faded away quickly. "Oh, it's a human."

"Well, fuck you too." Carl replied at her "I'm not here to be mean, but if I have to be then so be it." Rarity took a step back.

"How dare you talk such disgusting language in front of a lady. You should really watch your manners." Rarity gave him an angry look.

"Okay, okay you two. Carl I'm about to punch you square in your jaw, but we need to get going. Rarity we have to make an emergency trip to Canterlot to get rid of these human ponies." Dash had flown between the two, cutting Carl from saying his next thing about how a fasion pony seems useless in a city with naked ponies everywhere. Oh well, this stupid adventure is finally getting somewhere.

Carl, the six ponies, and Spike made their way to the train station. To many bronies this would be a dream come true, but for Carl, this was a fucking nightmare. He hated being here, his stomach was all buttery, the colors hurt his eyes, and he wanted everything to be back to normal. His fucking feet ached, because he was shoeless. Fucking Discord and his fucking troll ass magic. Carl was pissed off, and not having a fun time in Equestria. He was ready to see Celestia and get the fuck out of here.

One long ass train ride later, Carl looked down at his watch. Looks like he missed work today. It was one hour until lunch time, and he’d usually be eating a sandwhich writing rage reviews on FiM Fiction. He wasn’t much of a writer, but he knew shit when he saw it. This whole adventure sounds like some shit story a fan would make up. It lacked deepth, and the fact that the main character was such an asshole. Canterlot was a very white city. It looked like something straight out of Rome or some shit. The Mane Six were all off having their own conversations, which Carl was ignoring, and then out of nowhere a giant pink cloud appeared over him.

“Yay! More cotton candy clouds” Pinkie had her tongue out and made a slurping noise as the pink mass in the sky morphed into Discord.

“You son of a bitch! Why the fuck would you take me here, I don’t wanna be here.” Carl got in a defensive position as Discord laughed at him.

“You see dear Carl, I screwed up. I know, hard to believe with a master of perfection like me right? I didn’t mean to send you here, I thought you had written a human in Equestria fiction. Therefore I was sending every human who wrote one into Equestria, since I can no longer wreak havoc on my own.” He smiled at Carl. “But, I am glad you are here to be with all of them. You can keep them under control as my personal commander.” Carl looked at Discord in disgust.

“Fuck you, and fuck Equestria. I just want to go back home. Me, and me only. I’ve been on a train for three hours. I had to tell off a baby dragon, deal with asshole writers who were mostly alicorns, worry about this purple maned bitch telling me to get some manners, and worst of all you just tried to throw a plot twist into this. Fuck you! This adventure is the most ridiculous piece of shit ever, and you fucking started it. Just send me back home already, I like my daily routine, my shitty job, and my shitty life. That’s why My Little Pony is so awesome. It’s a fucking escape from all the shitty stuff. The whole idea of actually living in Equestria would ruin the point of this show!” Carl went through a lot of hand gestures during this speech, and he ended with raising his middle finger to Discord. “Fuck You!”

There was nothing but an awkward silence left with Carl keeping his middle finger up towards Discord. Dash was laughing in the background as the other ponies all looked in shock.

"Oh my Gosh, that was awesomely messed up!" Dash was began to laugh even more because Carl moved closer to Discord and flipped him off with both hands. Discord just looked at carl with a smug look. He then floated down to be face to face with Carl.

“So, you don’t like my chaos?” Discord gave him a dull look.

“No, it’s going to ruin the fun for everyone else, and when that happens, the show will get cancelled. Your move shit head.” At this point every one of the mane six and Spike had their jaws wide open. Discord’s look changed to that of concern.

“I wasn’t going to keep them, I knew the consequences.” He snapped his talons. There was a loud boom, and a huge rift appeared in the sky. All the ponies, except Carl and Discord started running away to seek shelter. The Human Ponies were all being sucked up into the rift, and with flashing lights were disappearing.

Carl began to slowly hover away into the giant void in the sky. He never broke eye contact with Discord. Discord was yelling at Carl

“We will meet again.” Discord smiled at Carl, and Carl just gave a smirk.

“You better fucking hope we don’t meet again.” Carl flipped him off one more time and then in a flash of light was back in his chair at work.

FiM Fiction was open and he was reading a first time poor grammar story about an original alicorn. He shuttered, he immediately disliked it, and then read it to do some bash work like normal.

Author's Note

Oh no he just made fun of us! BASH HIM NOW!