“Gaahhh!”

I wake up again. “It's just a dream,” I mutter, trying to catch my breath. It isn't just any dream though. It's the same damn dream I always have. The same one that always wakes me up in the middle of the night.

I don't know why it bothers me so much. I always try and convince myself I buried it a long time ago. But if that were true, I wouldn't be sitting here on the same cold floor, in this miserable hole I call “home”, thinking about it.

“You're awake again girl.”

“Yeah.”

I hate that voice. Just everything about it makes me feel physically sick. Like my guts are being twisted in knots while somepony shoves broken glass in my ears. It's low, guttural, graveled... evil. But it... He? I still don't know which to call it. Whatever it is, it's been my only “friend”, if you can call it that, since-

“Sleep young Riding Rider. You'll need your strength, they'll be hunting you in the morning.”

Riding Rider. That's its pet name for me. That or girl. Rarely does he ever call me by my real name. Scootaloo... I'd forget it if I didn't say it out loud to myself every once in a while. It's a funny thing; I can forget my own name, but there's two names I know I'll never forget. After all, how could I forget the names of the two ponies who were suppose to be my best friends?

It's not like I meant for it to happen, but at the same time I don't feel sorry for it. Not anymore. Besides they deserved it. They're the ones that betrayed me, left me in the dust the day they got their marks. I still don't have one, probably never will. What would a cutie mark in exile look like anyways? And who would want it?

I need to lay back down and get some sleep. That bastard is probably right about them hunting me. They were always hunting me. Not every day, but often enough, and usually only when somepony or something they thought was important enough to look for went missing, whether it was my fault or not. Sometimes they ended up being the ones that went missing. Can't say I'm always to blame, there is a fair share of dangerous creatures that call the Everfree Forest home. That's the luxury of being an outcast though. I'm everypony's scapegoat for anything that falls outside the bounds of their perfect little worlds.

I take a few deep breaths, slow my breathing and my heart so I can try and get back to sleep. Even still, I can't help but think about that dream. It was years ago, but it's always there; It was there yesterday, it was there today, and it would still be there tomorrow. I close my eyes and without fail there it is, playing over and over again like a bad movie.

…............................................................................

What was it, a few years ago now? We were all off doing our own separate things more and more. But that's what happens when you grow up right? I mean we were still the Crusaders. We were still trying to find our talents, but we couldn't devote the kind of time to it we used. Apple Bloom was helping out her brother and sister on the farm every day after school. Sweetie Belle was learning how to make dresses and getting magic lessons from her sister and Twilight. Of course she did a fair share of singing on the side. Turned out that was her real passion, and she was good at it.

Me? I was flying. Best feeling in the world. Dash was teaching me everything she knew. And yeah, maybe I wasn't great, but who the hell cares? More often than not, at least one of us was busy at any given time. That meant we couldn't get in as much crusading with the three of us together as we'd have liked, but we decided it was fine as long as there were two of us.

Worst mistake I ever made. Okay, fine. Maybe not the worst decision, but how do you decide something like that? You don't. There's good decisions, and bad decisions. Some are worse than others. But if it's a bad decision that leads to another bad decision, no matter how devastating the second bad decision was... wouldn't the first bad decision that led you there be the worst of the two?

Whatever.

Anyways. It happened. One day after school, they took off to hang out and I had some flying lessons with Dash. No big deal, and come on, you don't just cancel on the “coolest” pegasus in Equestria on short notice. I used to think she was “cool” anyways.

Turned out the next day at school, it was a big deal. They both came traipsing into class shoving their flanks in everypony's face until they finally found their way to me.

“Look Scootaloo!” Apple Bloom chirped. She was beginning to sound surprisingly a lot like her sister Applejack.

“Isn't this exciting!?” Ha, Sweetie Belle. Her voice still cracked, especially when she was excited.

“Uhhh, yeah... That's great guys.”

Cutie marks. Both of them. They were too wrapped up in their euphoria to even notice how less than enthused I was. I'd be lying if I said that I was happy for them. Instead I was jealous, angry, afraid. Where did it leave me?

“Don't worry Scootaloo, we're still the Cutie Mark Crusaders, n' we won't stop 'til ya get yer mark too!”

Maybe Apple Bloom was sincere at the time she said it, but after a month or two they were getting fed up with hanging around and helping a “blank flank”. They didn't say it then, but I knew they were thinking it. Don't get me wrong, we were still friends. They just wanted to be out having fun and putting their talents to use, not spend their free time coddling me. Understandable. I felt guilty though, I really did. I was holding them back, slowing them down, but they were at least being polite about it.

“Can't ya do anythin' yerself? We can't sit here n' baby ya every day!”

It had been another couple of months, and we had started arguing. We argued a lot.

“Well, excuse me! It's not my fault you forgot what being a Crusader means! Gal pal, chum of chums!”

“That's not fair Scootaloo!” Sweetie Belle had always been the voice of reason, but she was still solidly in Apple Blooms corner. “We have things we want to do too, and we can't spend all of our time helping you. We have other friends we have to spend with.”

It was a kick in the gut every time they hung out with their “other friends.” I still haven't figured out how it even happened. It just never added up. That bitch Diamond Tiara and her stooge Silver Spoon? They had done nothing but grief us for years, then suddenly their AB's and Sweetie's new best friends? What kind of sick, twisted joke is that?

“Ah had to help Applejack n' Big Macintosh buck apples all day yesterday. Ya think maybe Ah wanna spend some time doin' somethin' Ah wanna do?”

“That's just it! You two always ditch me! You never even ask if I want to hang out anymore. It doesn't always have to be about getting my cutie mark.” That was half true. I was desperate to spend time with them. But at the same time, I wanted nothing more than to finally get my mark so all the stupid fighting would just go away.

“It's never any fun anymore, 'cause gettin' yer cutie mark is all it's ever about!”

“Fine! Forget it! Do whatever you want, see if I care! I don't want your help!”

That's how it usually ended, with me walking away. I wanted to cry every time, tell them I was sorry. That I didn't mean it. Was always to damn proud and stubborn to actually ever say it though. Maybe things would've turned out different if I had.

Before that year ran out, I was on my own. Soon enough they were spending all their free time with the two biggest brats at school. What little time we did hang out, it was nothing but one ugly fight after another. Towards the end, they were all in with Diamond Tiara and her ilk, not even hesitating to harass or pick on me anymore.

None of that mattered though. I had my wings, I could escape. They couldn't touch me on the clouds... I miss that feeling... Being able to lay there in that white fluff, and forget about everypony else's crap. I could stay there all day. Besides, it was almost graduation, and I wouldn't have to see them much longer anyways. Turns out not seeing them became more permanent than I thought it would.

Let's see, it was about a week before we went our separate ways for good, but I needed to talk to them one last time. There were a few things I needed to get off my chest. I had some choice words for those turncoats.

I'd asked them to our old clubhouse, or I guess their clubhouse. I'd been unwelcome there for a while by then, but it seemed appropriate. I was waiting at the top of the stairs just outside the entrance when they finally showed up, and to their credit, minus the other two lackeys in tow. I waited for them to make their way up the ramp before I said anything. Apple Bloom beat me to it though.

“What do you want now Scootaloo?” I wanted to hit her hard across the teeth right there, the way she rolled her eyes at me. I held back though, that's not what I was there for.

I didn't say anything at first. Instead I reached in my saddlebags and pulled out the one thing that still kept me chained to them. I threw my crusader cloak on the ground. It was faded and torn, and there were plenty of stains that wouldn't wash out, but at least I was washing myself of the stains they'd left on me.

“How dare you!” Sweetie Belle was in my face right away. Guess I insulted her since she was the one that had made them for us. “You're a jerk!”

“Have you looked in a mirror lately? Newsflash Gabby Gums; You two haven't exactly been great friends since you got your stupid cutie marks!”

“Don't call me that!”

“That was all three of us, n' ya know it!” Apple Bloom stepped past her to take her turn at bat. I knew that would get them fired up. “If ya got somethin' to say, say it! Or are ya too chicken?”

Chicken? They had called me plenty of other colorful names, even harassed me about being a “blank flank” at graduation. But chicken? I always took that one personally. I was well past the average age that most pegasi begin flying before I finally could. It always struck a nerve, and earned me plenty of time staying late after school. For that, I let them have it.

“Yeah, I got something to say. You two are the worst friends a pony could ask for. I can't wait until I never have to see either of ever again!”

“Why are you doing this? You couldn't just wait until after graduation and just leave?” Sweetie Belle always was the sensitive one. I almost wanted to take it back. I remember, because she was about ready to start crying, but I'd already done too much crying myself to care if I hurt them.

Next thing I remember was Apple Bloom's hoof poking me in the chest. “Ya got some nerve! Invite us out here, then be nothing but a rotten bully!!”

“Get off me!” I swatted her hoof away and shoved her back. I was furious. I went out there to tell them off; not get lectured on my behavior. The irony of them calling me a bully. It left a bad taste in my mouth, and I certainly didn't appreciate somepony jabbing there fat hoof in my chest.

“Just get outta here! Nopony wants a blank flank loser like ya around anyways!”

That was the final straw. She shoved me so hard I almost fell on my flank. She was strong, no doubt about that. Guess that's what happens working on a farm. When I caught my balance, I was too pissed off to think clearly. I lunged at her with everything I had, even pumped my wings for the extra momentum. Don't think I regret anything more than that bad decision right there.

I connected with her, putting my shoulder right in her throat. There was more force behind that hit than I had intended. Soon as I laid into her, she went over backwards. Tripped over that damn Crusaders cloak, and fell right off the side of the stairs.

She screamed as she went over the side. That was cut short by a painful yelp as she hit the ground. All that rage I had pent up evaporated and turned into total fear. The kind of fear that makes you dizzy with vertigo. The kind that makes you sick to your stomach and makes you want to vomit. I didn't want to look at what had happened, but morbid curiosity got the better of me.

Sweetie and I both rushed to the edge to see what had happened. There wasn't anything that could have prepared us for what we saw. I still don't know which haunts me more; the utter terror and helplessness engraved across her face, or the gurgled cries for help as she drown on her own blood.

Needless to say, I panicked. There was only one word in my head, and it was screaming for me to run. I tried to do just that, but before I could get any distance between me and that place, Sweetie Belle was pulling on my tail with her magic. I beat my wings until I was blue in the face, but all I managed to do was wear myself out. The second I let up, Sweetie gave one final tug.

What happened next only compounded an already horrible situation. She ripped me right out of the sky, slamming me right into her. We both went through the railing in an uncoordinated mess of hooves, feathers, and splintered wood, as we tumbled end over end. When we hit the ground, there was a dull, hollow crunch, accompanying the thud that crushed the air out of my lungs. I tried to scream in agony, but I couldn't even breathe.

At first, I thought the snapping bones were mine. The pain was real enough. But that's when it dawned on me, Sweetie was underneath of me... and she wasn't moving. I rolled off the top of her to see what had happened, only to find she had landed head first. She'd broken her neck and her head was folded up under her body. It was sickening how unnatural her position was.

I choked on my own scream. It was like somepony had tied a noose around my throat, stretching every bit of slack out of it they could. It wasn't possible, I didn't want to believe it. Rolling her over, reality trumped any foalish hopes I had that she was alright. Those eyes... Both of them. Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, those eyes staring through me, glossed over and filled with tears, hurt, fear. Accusing me.

That's the part that wakes me up. They were blaming me, begging me for help. And what did I do? I ran. Ran away into the Everfree Forest. My wings were shattered, and I'd killed two of the most important ponies in my life. The forest was the only place I could escape to.

Guess that's why it keeps me up, I ran, and I'm still running. Not that I have a choice anymore though. Ponies would sooner hang me than listen to anything I have to say. But what was I suppose to do?

Sometimes I think about the day we met, and how we became the Cutie Mark Crusader's. How we'd promised to stick together. It was an ideological sentiment, but that doesn't stop me from wishing I could go back to try and keep it.

“You're still awake, Rider.”

“Shut up.”

“Go to sleep.”

“I said shut the hell up, Ten Speed.”

I hate that damn bicycle.

Author's Note

No this is not a self insert, Shame on you. Ten Speed is a character in the Amory Wars comics/novels and belongs to Claudio Sanchez of Coheed and Cambria.