The Drunkest Surgeon Ever

by Chaotic Note

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Gore, Berry Punch, Doctor Whooves, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Self Insert
Length: 2603

Chaotic Noteworthy gets operated on by the worst mare for the job.

Chaotic Note, a traveling pony, needs a heart transplant fast, and he gets stuck in the worst scenario ever. Getting operated by the drunkest mare in Ponyville, Berry Punch. Oh, and he's awake while this operation goes underway. This will probably not end well. Oh, and a certain Doctor is at the intoxicated mare's mercy as well.

Author's Notes
~ Inspiration.
~ Idea started in 1/29/2013
~ Is C.N. an OC or a self-insert? ... What? I'm not going to give you the answer.
~ Um... this won't end well.

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Cover Art(s)
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1st One: MLP FIM - Berry punch by Joakaha

Published 2013-02-27 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-27 00:10:01 UTC

The Whole Thing

Chaotic woke up to a sound of a constant beep. It saddened him greatly that he was interrupted from his dream. He was dreaming of having a nice evening with his favorite night princess. It was very romantic, and he almost came close to a lustful moment with dream-Luna. Then again, it was probably a good idea that he did wake up. Luna probably would of noticed the dream, and call him a pervert. The beige unicorn doesn’t want that on his or the princess’ conscious.

The first thing that smacked him in the eyes was the generous amount of blinding light that flooded his sight. The room was promptly lit up like a Hearth Warming’s Eve tree, except it wasn’t shaded in a variety of colors. The next thing he noticed was that he had a white mask on. Why he had a mask strapped to his mouth, he couldn’t remember. He also felt a cap covering the top of his head, save for the horn that was sticking out from the cloth.

He tried to get up from the bed he was lying on, but his body refused to surrender to his will. It wanted to sleep a bit. For some reason, his body was also feeling a little… breezy? He can’t put a hoof on it, but it felt like there was a draft in his chest cavity. Was that normal? It doesn’t feel normal, and it meant anything but good. He tried to move his neck, hoping he could at least have a better sense of where the buck he was.

The room he was being kept in was awfully white. The walls were extremely clean, and were pale as paper. As if somepony with an OCD issue had taken an industrial vacuum cleaner, and sucked the color right off them. Posted to the walls where various diagrams and posters of the pony’s anatomy. Tilting his head downward, he could see a set of tables on either side of them, with various torturous looking devices and beakers living on them.

So he was in a hospital… he doesn’t remember why he would be in a hospital. Did something bad happen to him? That didn’t exactly comfort him a bit. All he could think about right now was what emergency he could possibly be in, and how much the bill would cost. His insurance could probably cover it. Working in the Night Court certainly has its perks.

He turned his neck around towards the left, and saw another set of tables with surgical tools surrounding another surgery bed. On the bed was a simple brown stallion wrapped in a green hospital gown and a green cap. He also had a white mask on.

He certainly isn’t dressed in style. Why is he here? Oh, he’s waking up!

Sure enough, the pony in question was waking up as well. He was groggy at first, but then he started to form a perplexed look in his eyes. He looked around, and met with Chaotic’s stare. After a few silent moments, he could hear some weak muffles come from the stallion’s mouth.

Chaotic tried to respond, but he found it incredibly difficult to form the words at first. Within a reasonable amount of time, he finally formed his sentence.

“Sorry,” Chaotic lightly groaned. “what was that? I didn’t understand what you’ve said.”

It took some time, but the other stallion managed to respond with a decipherable voice. “Are we awake?” He had a concerned look in his eyes. “We’re supposed to be knocked out for surgery.”

Anxiety started to rise up in Chaotic’s throat. “Surgery? For what?”

“If I remember correctly… I believe I volunteered to be your heart donor.”

Silence once again regained control over the room. Chaotic could feel his brow sweat with uneasiness. A heart transplant? For him? That can’t be right. Last time he checked, he was a very healthy stallion! There was also something that he couldn’t wrap his head around.

“Why did you volunteer? I thought us ponies were supposed to have one heart!” Chaotic’s mind started to piece together a sneaking suspicion. “You are a pony… right?”

“Ermm, not quite my good man.”

Man? What the heck is a man, Chaotic wondered.

“I’m not surprised you don’t know me. Rest assured you though, I’m a friend.”

A friend huh? It seemed that the stallion was likely his ally. After all, he did just say that he was volunteering to give away his heart. Or one of his hearts if that’s what the stallion was suggesting. It doesn’t really surprise him that this “pony” had a pair of an organ that normally came with one. He’d seen plenty of stranger things in his travels. Creatures with multiple organs or limbs were among one of the more common encounters.

“Okay, I believe you,” Chaotic accepted his word. “but you got to answer some questions after this operation is over.”

“No problem. Name’s the Doctor by the way.”

“Doctor? Doctor Who?”

“Exactly.” The mask covered it, but Chaotic could tell that he had an ecstatic smug on his face.

Chaotic slowly formed a smile of his own. “Heh, you’re weird. I like that.”

The Doctor nodded. “Anyway, we should call somepony for help. I would hate to have my eyes open for this.”

Chaotic agreed, but he can’t help but have a query about his situation. “Say, why do I need to get a new hear-“

*SLAM*

A door slammed wide open as a mare stood beyond it, one of her hind legs was lifted high in the air, making her look like she kicked the door. Heck, she probably did kick the door open. The mare had a pale mulberry coat colored on her. Her mane was a darker magenta. She had a large bottle in one hoof, and had a pair of berries blazed on her flank. Chaotic may not remember why he was here, but he certainly knew who that mare was. The mare that was now standing over him.

“Ha-a-ay mate! Watcha doin’ in here?” Berry Punch asked in a slur tone.

Oh sweet Luna. Why the fuck is she here?

“Umm, hay Berry,” Chaotic nervously chuckled. “How did you get in here?”

Berry took another swig from her bottle, giggling and snorting as she did. “Oh yah know. Just dropping by to say hi.” She stopped as her eyes opened wide, her jaws left wide open in awe. “Ohmigosh! That rhymed! I rhymed!”

She bowled over Chaotic’s form in laughter, pounding where his chest wa- OW! FUCK! Her hooves hurt like Tatarus! It felt like the mare had taken a hammer to his ribs. Then again, hooves were as strong as- OH LUNA, THE PAIN!

“Augh! Berry! What the hell?” Chaotic demanded.

Berry dragged her unfocused eyes towards his, trying to maintain eye contact. “Opps. Sorry Note.” She snorted a little. “Say, what are you doing here? I thought we were going to have a drink today.”

“Well Berry,” Chaotic winced as she shifted her hooves across his chest, trying to get comfortable. “it’s apparent that I’m in dire need of a heart transplant and I’m also kind of in a jam here, so if you could go get the doctor I would really appreciate that-“

“A doctor? Ya don’t need no doctor! I’m yur friend! I can take care of yah!” Berry assured, giving him her best serious face.

It didn’t look very assuring.

“Um Ms. Berry,” The Doctor had a very worried look written over him. “I’m not sure if that would be the greatest course of action. Perhaps you could, you know, get a professional?”

Berry whirled around on him. “A professhunal? Buck those guys. I’m the most Celestia damned professhunal there ever was! I can transplant dat heart in a heartbeat,” she giggled.

“I highly doubt that,” Chaotic muttered under his breath.

Berry Punch paid no attention to what he said. In fact, it didn’t seem like she was paying attention at all! She peered at the insides of her bottle to check for any remaining substance. Apparently, there was none left. Not a single slosh for her to drink up. The purple mare shrugged, and tosses the bottle away with not a care in the world. Chaotic winced as he heard the bottle crash onto the floor, splitting into a million clear shards.

“Well, enough of dat,” Berry hiccupped, her words becoming more slurred. “Time to work mah magic!”

For about an aching hour, Berry had struggled to put on an outfit meant for licensed surgeons to wear. It was kinda funny at first, but the more the drunk mare had became closer to succeeding, the more panic rose up in Chaotic. He didn’t want to be the poor guy who was violated by a merciless mare. Well, more intoxicated than cruel, but it wouldn’t matter once she got those clothes on. As if life was toying with him, Berry managed to get her hooves through the sleeves. The rest of the process was simple as she placed on the cap, mask, and gloves. As soon as the gloves snapped onto her dizzy hooves, he knew that his death sentence had come.

“Berry? Maybe you should rethink this,” Chaotic tried to reason. “You’ve had a lot to drink tonight, and you’re clearly not sober. Any basic motor skills you had before are completely knocked off by the alcohol, and you’re right about on the verge of violating me with scissors, scalpels, knives, and Luna knows what. Perhaps you should get some rest?”

Chaotic didn’t like how he made that last statement more of a question rather than a suggestion. When he got nervous, he would sometimes do that. Conversations would then go towards the awkward phase. Berry looked at him with dazed eyes, pondering whether she should operate on him. Maybe he was right. Maybe she should stop right now an-

“Nope! Gonna cure yah now! Doctor Berry is in dah HOUSE!”

Chaotic mentally smacked his hoof against his face. “Berry, you’re drunk. Go home.”

Berry paid no attention to his request, as usual, and leaned over the silver tray of sharp tools.

“Say,” She lifted up a huge hammer. “what does this do?”

At this point, Chaotic had his jaws opened in astonished and fear. What the fuck?! That thing is huge! Is that even approved?

“Umm, it used to hammer nails?” Chaotic said, hoping to divert Berry from using the hammer on him.

Berry scratched the ‘neath of her chin, giving the hammer her full attention. As if it was an awe inspiring art piece. “Yah sure about that?”

“Yes. Seriously, it’s a hammer. It’s not like it was meant to bash bones… or anything,” he chuckled nervously.

Berry stared at the hammer one last time before deciding that he was right. Seriously, why would a hammer be at the surgical table? After giving it one last glare, she simply discarded the blunt tool by throwing it behind her. Unfortunately, a certain stallion was in that direction as well.

“Ow! Please watch where you’re throwing those things,” the Doctor yelped, souring from the growing bump on his head.

“Oops, sorry Doc.”

“Wait,” Chaotic shot a confused expression at Berry. “You know this guy?”

“Wha? Yeah, I see him time to time.” She leaned over Chaotic’s body, close to his ear. “Hay, wanna know something?” she whispered.

“What?”

“I said: do you wanna know something about him?” she said slowly, as if she was lecturing a baby.

Chaotic just groaned roughly. “Yes Berry. I would like to know something about him.”

Berry took a dramatic, deep breath and paused for a moment. “He’s we-e-e-e-e-eird.”

“… Seriously?”

Chaotic couldn’t take it anymore. He needed real help fast, and he could always just yell for somepony to come in. He tried his best to let out a huge yell, hoping to let somepony know he was here. After some extensive shouting, Berry suddenly gagged him with a bloody cloth. Literally.

“What the Tatarus are you doing?” Chaotic tried to say, but it came out in muffles.

Berry scratched the inside of her ears, looking very bored. “Sorry, yur shouting was giving me a headache. I hate headaches.”

I bet, Chaotic dejectedly thought.

Berry leaned over the table again and picked up a scalpel. Chaotic exhaled a sigh of relief through the red rag in his mouth. At least it wasn’t some sort of huge bone saw. Just when he thought he couldn’t be any more wrong, Berry threw the scalpel away, which narrowly sliced the Doctor, and she picked up the doomed bone saw. To make matters worse, weapon of (his) mass destruction was twice his size.

“Oh ho ho!” Berry chuckled like an idiot. “This one’s a biggie!”

Berry tilted the saw in her hoof, and suddenly her balance was slanted. The saw caused her to lean towards where Chaotic’s chest was and-

“MMMPPHH!” Chaotic cried.

He shed a tiny drop of tear, which then turned into a river. He can’t feel his own legs now for some reason. He wanted to look at the damage Berry had caused, but he felt like he would throw up if he did.

“Well, dat takes care of those weird white things,” Berry said, picking out- were those his ribs?

Oh sweet Luna, he was going to die. Not on a warm bed, with his friends saying their last goodbyes to him, but by one of his old drinking buddies. Well… close enough.

“Hay, what’s that?” Berry poked at the insides of the unicorn’s chest cavity. “That looks infected,” she pointed at his nose. “You should go see a doctor.”

I bucking hate you, Chaotic bluntly decided.

When he dies, he is going to come back to haunt her drunk ass. Berry however, without a care in the world, decided to continue her dirty work, fumbling with the many tools at her disposal. Everything she touched, she dropped it inside his chest, where all the broken ribs, lungs, and his own heart were. Chaotic silently uttered a prayer to Luna, hoping she would give him a good afterlife. Within a few moments, the nearby heart monitor’s rate of beeps increased even faster until- BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeee

Luna was lying on her bed, taken aback at what she had just witnessed from the video. She turned back to Chaotic, who was eagerly awaiting her response.

“Chaotic, what did I just watch?”

“An indie movie! One of the first ones I've made. Did you like it?”

“Ummm, not really.”

Luna hurled a little in her mouth as her mind wandered off to the unpleasant moment in the movie when Chaotic’s blood spilled.

“Lulu, are you okay?”

“No, I’m not.”

She quickly rushed to a nearby bathroom.

Author's Note

Shameless promoting own story here: Blowing Through the Pages =3

Story inspired by this video.

2/26/13
Probably one of the the worst stories I have ever written. I don't know why, but I didn't feel like I was into the story when I wrote the second half. To be honest, I think I got lazy on this. The premise of the story though sounded really cool though. Maybe your opinions would differ?

Anyway, at this point of the date these notes were being written, I currently has no editor. I don't really have any time to fully check my own work. If you want to be the editor for this chapter (say like for practice), then I'll be glad to give you credit for the editing.

Positive comments would be appreciative.