The Diamond Dog's Guide to Equestria

by Fragezeichen

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Adventure
Length: 3637

Recently banished Rover, Fido and Spot must travel Equestria together, searching for a new home.

Being defeated by a pony was the last straw for the local Diamond Dog pack. Now Rover, Fido and Spot have been exiled from their home by their chief and father Biscuit. Now the trio must travel across a land that despises them in search of a new pack that will accept them. Will they be able to work together well enough to over come their faults? Or will the Equestrian Wildlife Rangers force them into a terrible reservation?

(Updates saturdays or sundays)

Published 2011-09-11 01:14:40 UTC
Last updated 2011-09-25 16:19:48 UTC

Entry 1

Entry 1: Diamond Dogs

The Equestria Bestiary describes Diamond Dogs as one of the the hated animals in Equestria. Though they do have some sentience, Celestia has described them as "Needy" creatures, as in, "Needs help to function properly in society." Unfortunately, Diamond Dogs do not wish to join society and would rather instead collect precious gems, which is why the ponies dislike them.

Ponies use gems in decoration, clothing, and just about everything but since the Dogs collect a vast majority of them (Like dragons, trolls, ogres, Manticores, and one deranged stallion named Mortimer), they obtain less than they'd like. Many attempts have been made to trade with the Diamond Dogs such as offering meat, their primary food source, and other shiny things like metals but to no avail.

Diamond Dogs, while, as mentioned before, sentient do not properly grasp the concept of living like the ponies do. Towns and buildings are foreign and confusing to them (One group of scientists introduced a Dog named Dribble into a standard pony city. There he quickly bought a house, got a job and promptly became mayor. Unfortunately this was considered a failure merely because he ended up losing the second election. And devoured the winner.) so they instead maintain their ancestor's Pack Mentality. Staying in tight groups of immediate families, inbreeding, and following an Alpha male or female.

Upon closer studies of the Dogs, it is shown that they collect gems for mating purposes. The more gems a male has, the more likely he is to obtain a mate. This fact has of course not stopped some hunters from attempting to eradicate the race (Because dragons are too scary) and collect their gems for themselves. What these hunters don't know though, is that killing a Diamond Dog is not an easy task. Their hides are entirely rough and strong against steel blades due to the constant digging through dirt and rocks. Their claws are capable of cutting through a great oak and they can successfully catch said tree before it falls, carry it to a hill, and toss it down for no apparent reason. The most amazing part of the Diamond Dog Physiology would have to be their skeletons. It has been said that, thanks to their strong bones, A single dog can have a six ton boulder fall on his head from the height of about three miles up and still survive with only a rather nasty headache.

Rover growled as he started to stir awake, morning dew dropping onto his nose as it fell from a tree above him. "Grrr...sleeping outside is stupid!" He cried as he rolled over onto his belly, lifting himself up and shaking his fur of the wet dirt he laid on. "Fido! Spot! Wake up you two!"

"Huh? Whuzzut? What is it Rover? Why did you wake us up so early?" Asked the little brown Diamond Dog named Spot. Fido whined lowly as he, the youngest of the trio, slowly stood up on his hind legs and wiped his eyes.

"We have to keep moving! If we slow down someone will find us and we don't want that!" Rover declared as he adjusted his vest and collar, carefully making sure the diamond hanging from it was safe.

"Erm...we don't?" Fido asked, tilting his head and mimicking his elder brother with his own vest and collar."

"Nooo Fido, if someone finds then...then...um...wait, what happens then Rover?" Spot asked. Rover growled again and sighed.

"If someone found us, they'd capture us and probably do bad things to us!" This realization made Spot and Fido whimper. They had just been banished from their pack, now someone would want to hurt them more? Being exiled wasn't very fun at all.

"I-I don't want to get captured Rover..." Fido whined as he and Spot began to follow the oldest Diamond Dog.

"Neither do I Fido, neither do I."

Entry 2

Diamond Dogs are territorial creatures. It would be extremely unwise and incredibly stupid to wander near one of their mines. Luckily, they are also quite stupid so if you're capable of outsmarting them, you might be able to escape with your life still properly affixed to your body. A Diamond Dog's mine can be anywhere from a small cave to a massive complex of tunnels including working mine carts, torches lighting the paths, wooden or steel support beams to prevent cave ins, and of course a snack bar. Celestia has commented that while the dogs are indeed dumber than the rocks they dig through, their amazing attention to detail when building their homes has impressed her enough that several Diamond Dogs were recruited to build her own personal underground lair.

Unfortunately, a Diamond Dog without a mine may be one of the saddest things a pony could ever witness. Like normal, feral dogs, stray Diamond Dogs will wander aimlessly, beg for food, and generally live incredibly scared until the day when they either die alone somewhere or are taken by the Equestrian Wildlife Rangers to an unknown location. If one were to see a stray Diamond Dog, it is highly advised that they avoid the poor beast. Feeding one would only mean it would follow you around, attempt to move in with you, shower you with gifts and state that you're it's soul mate and then attempt to marry you.

The three dogs trudged on rather glumly. Not even 14 hours ago, they were living happily in their pack's brilliant mine. Now they were banished, forced to wander Equestria together without a home to call their own. Had their failure been that bad? So bad that their own father hated them enough to force them away? They only lost the entire stock of gems to six mares...

"Don't remind me." Rover groaned as he placed a paw on his face in disgust. Rover was the elder of the trio and also the second tallest. His fur was a lighter shade of black and he wore a red vest, his last symbol of authority. Around his neck he wore a diamond studded collar with a golden tag hanging from it. He spoke in a raspy, constantly disgruntled voice regardless of his mood (though for now it fit his current mood). His paws were large, like any other Diamond Dog's paw and his claws were strong and unbreakable. He was the more average of the group, his intelligence was the highest, if you could call it that, he was somewhat fast and somewhat strong. He was average.

"But don't you think it wasn't our fault? I mean, she...was...unstoppable." Spot whined, pressing his ears against his head for his mind was remembering the fatal noise that was uttered by that white mare, he almost lost his hearing that day. Spot was the second oldest the three and also the smallest. His fur was a light brown that bore a resemblance to their mother and on his body was a black vest and a studded collar similar to his elder brother's but it lacked any sort of tag. Though he was the weakest and smallest of the three, he was the quickest at least. If that could count for anything.

Fido walked slowly behind them, taking larger strides with his massive legs. He was larger than his older brothers and was also the strongest. Fido didn't talk much, he'd rather let his elders order him around and would like nothing more than to avoid confrontation. His body was coated in light gray fur and he wore a black vest like Spot. Fido wasn't as dumb as most would make him out to be either, he just liked it when others felt happy, and to Diamond Dogs, there was nothing that made them happier than being superior. His intelligence, while above average for a Diamond Dog, was in fact mostly on par with a teenage pony, he had gained his knowledge by silently studying the ponies who lived their days in the nearby town of Ponyville. He trudged on silently, occasionally spotting a bird he remembered the name of thanks to a light yellow mare with a pink mane constantly making a big deal about them.

The trio pressed on, not exactly sure where they were going but hoping that they'd get there soon. They figured they'd try to see if someone in Ponyville would help them, perhaps they needed someone to dig for gems? That's all they had to bet on.

It didn't work out like they had hoped. They sat in the center of town surrounded by angry faced ponies, all ready to buck them out should they make any sort of move.

"Really now, you'd think you dogs had learned your lesson after last time. Bolder as you may be for sneaking into town to steal me away, you're still as dumb as ever." A fancy voice called out to them. It's familiarity made them cringe. There, standing in front of them was the white mare.

"W-we weren't trying to steal you away!" Rover cried as he covered his ears. The white mare, Miss Rarity as they learned to call her, frowned down at the whimpering mutt and stomped a hoof.

"Right, you're only here because you're visiting, is that it?"

"Um...yes?" Rover replied nervously, his younger brothers cowering behind him. Miss Rarity looked away in disgust.

"If it's one thing I cannot stand it's liars! You dogs should have stayed in your little cave." This struck a nerve with the poor dogs, they looked down in unison and whimpered lowly, though Miss Rarity didn't seem to care. "You're not allowed around here, did you forget?"

"N-no, no! We just...we were...uh..." Rover attempted. Miss Rarity cut him off again, calling to the other ponies and telling the tale of her capture, enslavement and eventual escape. The other ponies stared angrily at the dogs who now bunched up closer together. Just as the other ponies were ready to beat the gems out of the trio, a tender yet concerned voice cried out.

"Waaaaait! Don't do this!" The Pegasus called as she landed in front of the dogs. "Don't you see? They're so scared!"

"Fluttershy, really, don't you recognize them? They're the dogs who kidnapped me!" Miss Rarity replied, stepping out in front of the crowed again. Fido's eyes widened as he finally opened them to see the mare who defended them. The yellow mare who spent most of her time with animals, was she really helping them now?

"Yes Rarity, I do recognize them, but I also see that you're scaring them to death!" She turned to face Rover and his brothers, they shook in fear, whined and whimpered, and were to nervous to say a word.

"What...but I...They deserve this Fluttershy! They're just after gems!" Miss Rarity retorted, stomping her hoof again and raising her voice. This caused the dogs to howl out and clutch their heads, they're sensitive ears unable to even take this level of screeching.

"M-Make it stop!" Spot howled, the other ponies looking around confused. Fluttershy quickly pressed a hoof against Rarity's mouth.

"Shhh! Don't you know? Diamond Dogs have highly sensitive ears. Make a sound that's too high for them and they could die!" Fluttershy warned, Miss Rarity's eyes shooting open.

"....What? You're not serious are you?" Miss Rarity asked, remembering the dogs' pleading with her from before. Fluttershy nodded slowly and turned back to the dogs.

"It's okay you three, Fluttershy is here." She gently petted a hoof against each of their heads. "C'mon, you three must be hungry."

It's worth noting that if a Diamond Dog has any weakness besides it's love of gems, it's their sensitive hearing. A Diamond Dog's ear can hear a butterfly flap it's wings from about three miles away while deep underground. Upon hearing such a noise, they might be somewhat bothered to hear a butterfly flap it's wings and then disregard it in favor of the shiny new gem they just found. While a dog's ear is sensitive and useful for hearing gems reverberating in the ground, play a sound that's too much for them and it could be fatal. The sound would break their ear's inner walls, penetrate the defensive wall and enter the brain, shake it violently, violently enough that the trauma could force the brain to shut down, permanently.

Only a few of these deaths have been recorded in recent years, mostly due to new farming technology that will occasionally let out a loud screech upon a sudden error. Any dog in the vicinity of said screech, would be dead instantly yet somehow quite painfully. Luckily, ear plugs designed for Diamond Dogs have been invented by the Ponies for Organized Unification of Neutrality with Dogs and have successfully lowered the rate of noise related deaths.

Entry 3

The group known as the Equestrian Wild Life Rangers is a collection of ponies hoof-picked by Princess Celestia to deal with all things nature. They ensure that animal habitats are undisturbed, poachers are stopped, and of course that animals are happy. It is an enjoyable job but it also requires a lot of patience and kindness.

The mare who currently heads the group, one Fluttershy, is the epitome of this idea. She bears the patience of water as it slowly cuts it's way through rock. She's kind enough that she'd clip her own wings to help a bird who lost one or two. Some might say this is over dedication but Celestia believes this is the kind of fanatical love for animals that a Wild Life Ranger needs. The original leader of the group, one Greenie Pastures, was quite crazy over the protection of animals as well, having found one nuclear device left over by the forerunners and threatened to set it off if nopony followed her rules of dealing with animals, which was basically let them rule over us. After Celestia destroyed her, Greenie was given the Medal of Dedication as well as the Patch of Insanity.

The Rangers are quite good at their jobs, they often work in teams of two or three and have the ability to communicate with animals to a certain degree, Fluttershy on the other hand can talk to them as if they were speaking plain ponese to her. Greenie reportedly heard the voices of animals in her head, this has been rumored to actually be schizophrenia and not a telepathic link. [i/]
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"You poor things, you must have had an awful time getting here from your mine." The Pegasus inferred, placing a bowl of freshly cut meat in front of each of them. Rover looked toward his brothers with a confused look.

"Erm, yes, it has been a hard walk..." The elder dog stated, lifting up the slab of meat with a paw and examining it closely. Fluttershy smiled as they finally started eating, finding the most pleasure when the animals in her sector were happy, comfortable and well fed. The Diamond Dog brothers fed ravenously on the meat provided for them, consuming bowl after bowl before falling on their backs, their bellies quite round.

"Ah, good boys, are you all full?" Fluttershy asked as she tossed the remaining bowls into her sink to wash. The brothers nodded and sat up again looking around at the house then at each other. "Is something wrong guys?"

"We've been looking for a new home since we were...uh...ban-wished from our old home." Spot attempted, scratching his head. Fluttershy blinked and stood before them with a concerned look.

"That's awful! Well don't worry you three, you can stay here with me for as long as you need!"
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"You did what?" The purple unicorn asked flatly.

"I let them stay at my cottage for as long as they needed, I couldn't let the poor things wander around aimlessly across Equestria, they might...die!" Fluttershy squeaked the last word for she was quite nervous about saying it.

"So what? Everpony dies, or...dog...well you know what I mean." The blue Pegasus commented, flipping her rainbow-colored hair out of her right eye.

"But they were so pathetic when Rarity cornered them, I'm the leader of the Equestrian Wild Life Rangers, I have to protect the animals, no matter what their species is."

"Fluttershy, did you forget that they kidnapped her and basically used her for slavery?" Twilight reminded her friend who shook her head in disbelief.

"As I remember it, Rarity declared that she had them wrapped around her hoof the whole time. They weren't very good at holding her against her will....Also the fact that Rarity could have killed them with her whin-er, 'complaining' means that we really can't hold much against them." Fluttershy replied. Rainbow Dash stared in disbelief.

"C'mon Fluttershy, you can't seriously think they'll behave or something! I'll be they're destroying your house and eating your other pets right now!"

Fluttershy frowned and looked at her two friends before her eyes descended upon Applejack. "Applejack, you're a Ranger too, can't you tell them I NEED to help the dogs...?"

The orange, blonde-maned cowpony moved her eyes between the three mares she called her friends and blushed. "Well...uh...*cough* I uh..."

"Well AJ? What do you think?" Asked Twilight.

"Well you see, it's all...um...in that there Ranger handbook that uh...we gotta..." The other ponies stared at Applejack impatiently before she finally sighed and nodded. "Yes ya'll, accordin' to the handbook, we gotta help all the animals, regardless of anythin' they've done."

"Well that's a dumb rule!" Rainbow shouted with a stomp of her front left hoof.

"But it's still a rule, I guess it can't be helped." Twilight shrugged. "Are you at least sure they're behaving Fluttershy?"

"Oh yes, they're just so pleasant. They're really not that bad when they warm up to you." The yellow Pegasus responded with a smile.

"Yeah well still, I wanna make sure, can't be too careful with those dogs." Rainbow declared, lifting off the ground. "C'mon Fluttershy." Fluttershy sighed and nodded, following Rainbow Dash into the air, waving goodbye to both Applejack and Twilight before flying off after the rainbow Pegasus, toward her cottage.
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"I don't think I like it here Rover." Spot admitted as he waddled over to his elder brother who was lounging on a couch. "I think we should leave....find a new pack and a new mine like we were gonna do before."

"This place is perfect for us Spot! No one to tell us what to do, no more digging, yeah, I think it's pretty good here." Rover chuckled as he pulled another slab of meat towards him, biting it.

"Errgh, but still, what about gems?"

"We'll dig around here, the pony won't mind."

"And If she does?"

"Well, we'll just keep digging. Simple really." Spot sighed and walked toward Fido who was laying outside, basking in the sunlight and occasionally eyeing a squirrel and deciding whether or not to chase it.

"Fido, you think we ought to find a different place right?" The smaller dog asked his younger but much larger brother. Fido sat up and tilted his head with a shrug.

"I follow you guys, but I do kind of miss our mine. All the gems and rocks..." Fido smiled as his small tail wagged. Spot nodded and sat beside him.

"I wish we could get Rover to leave with us but he's too lazy now...." The smaller dog groaned as he lightly dug at the ground. Fido look at him then back at the cottage.

"Rover likes gems more than either of us, maybe he will want to dig again if we tell him."

"I already tried that. It's no use." Spot sighed.

"Well, let me try big brother." Fido said with smile, his large hulking body slowly standing up and trudging into the cottage.
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"Booooys! Here boys!" Fluttershy called and whistled as she and Rainbow landed in front of her cottage. "Huh...they usually come running when I call..."

"Maybe they're too busy breaking things! C'mon, let's go check!" The rambunctious mare cried as she quickly opened the door. "Alright you dogs! Stop breaking that-er...wait...there's no pony here..." Fluttershy blinked and stepped inside, looking around quickly, almost in a panic.

"Oh no! Ohno ohno ohno ohnoohnoohno!" She said repeatedly, dashing this way and that trying to find paw or tail of the diamond dogs. "They're gone!"
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It's funny to think that Diamond Dogs are some of Equestria's oldest creatures and are yet still so young. They came into sentience around the same time the ponies did about one hundred thousand years ago, after evolving from their feral ancestors. Despite this fact, they still seem to be new to everything around, unable to understand laws, unable to function properly in society. Odd really.

But the Dogs DO have one thing over the ponies. Simplicity. Diamond Dogs are easy to please, they do not rely on lavish homes and clothes, they don't need to go out to fancy balls or dances, they don't need money, they don't need the burdens that the ponies bear. All they need is a family, a simple mine, a few gems, food, and a place to sleep and they are happy. Many ponies who study the dogs find this simplicity to be quite refreshing, those who have lived among a pack of Dogs have stated that while the work is hard, it is rewarding to have the others in the pack congratulate you as you head off to sleep.

It takes a lot more to earn the same respect from ponies. To earn a typical pony's respect you must either be royalty, rich, famous, talented, and/or an element host. This may seem like a daunting task to complete, but that's only because it is! There is no pony harder to please than us ourselves, or Celestia.