The Magical Mystery Tour!

by DaFunkySquirrel

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Adventure
Length: 3356

When you get dropped into a new place, with no knowledge of anything about it, what can you do? Start a war, of course.

When you get dropped into a new place, with no knowledge of anything about it, what can you do? Start a war, of course.
My name is Alistair-Soren Jaxby, and I'm new here.

First main act in a three-act New Lunar Republic arc.
(Human tag is relative only in parts. Rated T for strong language.)
this is literally shit

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-15 05:02:34 UTC

Chapter 1

'The magical mystery tour! Is dying to take you away!'

-

I had just finished it up. My 'MASTER CREATION'. Yeah. Right.

My OC, this weird, almost war-ponyish scarred Pegasus with black iron wing guards. I stared at the pony, half ashamed to actually post this to my Face2Face profile.

Y'know what? Screw it. I saved the image and rolled back over to my F2F profile page and selected 'Post New Image'.

Well, there it is. Now available for all my friends to grief me on. Sigh.

Oh well. It's midnight so I'd best to check out. I slipped into bed and let myself drift off to the sound of the radio dreamily buzzing 'Strawberry Fields Forever'.

-

I woke up gasping. I was covered in sweat. What's weird is I have no clue what made this happen. No recollection of any dreams or waking before now.

Still trying to catch my breath, I looked over at my clock.

"What?!" How could I have overslept until 3 in the afternoon?

"Shit, shit, shit!" I jumped out of bed, barely comprehending I still had on the clothes I'd had on the previous night. I pulled my glasses on and grabbed my wallet, cellphone and keys and hurried out the door to my bicycle.

Work is a short ten minute ride away, at a little paper manufacturer's organization office. I worked in shipping, on a computer keeping track of what needed shipping from the nearest plant in Mapleport, California.

I quickly chained my bike and raced inside for the afternoon shift. Gasping for air as I sat down, I noticed someone had left a sticky note on my monitor saying: 'Don't be late again, Jaxby! Boss wants you in his office, three thirty SHARP.'

Great. Just great.

I glanced at the clock. It was 3:18. I swallowed nervously. My boss was by no means an angry or aggressive man, but he did have a way with words that left you feeling worse than if a prize fighter had just taken the mickey out of you.

I sighed, then logged onto my computer. The alerts read 'Two new shipment requests'. I clicked and looked at the two. One was for a SaveLots outlet in Washington, the other for an address in North Carolina. Usually I knew all of the addresses that I received during the day, but this one I didn't.

Oh well. No matter, I clicked the confirmation button and clicked OK to fax all documents.

I leaned back in my chair, put my hands behind my head and glanced at the clock. 3:23.

Besides, when had anyone ever gotten in trouble for being early to a firing meeting?

I stood up and stretched, silently wishing I had better control over my own habits that caused things like this to happen.

Oh, me.

I knocked on Hobbes' door. A murmur from the other side told me to come in.

I opened the door and took a seat in the corner of the room, fearful for my manhood should he attack me verbally.

He continued to stare down at the papers he had at his desk, then scrawled out something on the /\bottom. He silently slid the paper to his left and stared at the following piece of paper.

"...Sir?" I asked hesitantly.

He sighed, not looking up. "Alistair, have you counted how many times you've been in here in the last month?"

I shook my head mournfully.

"Twelve times, Alistair. Twelve times. That's a grand total of over an hour you've spent having me lecture you. Did your parents ever lecture you on being punctual? Or did they abandon you to some fat bloke who never even gets out of bed?"

I sank further into the chair, bring my knees up to my chest and hugging myself.

"I sincerely don't want you to have to leave. Honest. But there are only so many times a man can play nice and still break the rules. I can give you one more chance, Jaxby, after that, if you mess up, you will be out faster than you can say 'Hobbes Baronesso is a terrible boss'. Do I make myself clear?"

I swallowed. "Yes." All I could manage was a mousy squeak.

"Then you may go."

I shivered involuntarily and unbound myself. Standing up and striding over to the door, I turned the knob, only to have Hobbes address me again.

"Alistair?" he asked.

I turned on my foot. "Yes?" I said, trying to keep the squeak out of my voice. That worked well.

He chuckled. "You're a good man, Jaxby, don't let anyone tell you different."

"Thank you, sir."

The rest of the day was fairly slow. It was mostly a fax or two every twenty minutes or so, and occasionally the weird phone call that a fax needed to be resent or a complaint which was promptly handed over to customer service.

Around 8:30, I stood up, grabbed a cup of coffee, went back to my desk to get my things, checked the computer one last time, then clocked out. I finished the coffee before I had even gotten to my bike. Chucking it into the dumpster, I unlocked my bike and went home.

The door shut quietly behind my bike tires, and I put my bike away in the closet. As the door to the storage room closed, I leaned against it, letting the friction from my sneakers stop me from sliding all the way to the linoleum floor and put my head in my hands. I was suddenly ridiculously tired and I had a raging headache.

I logged onto my home computer, checked my Face2Face, which of course had no updates to speak of, then I checked out and dozed off without so much as a second thought.

Chapter 2

"Strawberry fields...Nothing is real..."

-

I unceremoniously fell on my face.

Wait.

What.

Why...is there grass under me?

I opened my eyes, then immediately shut them again. The myriad of sight and sound temporarily blinded and deafened me. The grass felt unnaturally soft and level. I instantly recognized I was not near my house.

As I peeled my eyes open slowly, I let my brain comprehend where I was.

The simple fact is, I was no longer on Earth. Sure, it looked like my home planet, sounded like it, even SMELLED like it. But it wasn't. The colors were too high contrast, the plants were all wrong, and it felt sort of...plasticky.

I stood up slowly, then toppled over again. I felt drunk off my ass, even though I'd never touched alcohol before.

"Ooohhh...My head..." I groaned and rubbed my head with...hooves?

Oh fuck. I am so, so, so, so screwed.

I glanced over my shoulder. The overlong orange colored tail with black streaks running across it I'd added in design hung limply over my vinyl record cutie mark. The oddsize dark blonde wings, iron leading edge guards included, lay against my maroon coat.

Well, fuck.

The drunken feeling stuck with me as I sat up, still rubbing my temples. I stumbled as I stood, trying to gain my bearings.

"Sun up in the west...no...that's not..." I glanced around. The woods I was in were becoming very foreboding. I stepped back, as if to gain some clearance from the forest. I bumped into a tree behind me. I spun, stumbling like a madman.

"HELP ME! SOMEBODY, HELP!"

No response.

"Goddammit," I cursed to myself.

Okay, so I had no real idea where I should go, but it was reassuring that the sun was in the sky and not the moon. I blindly started making my way through the forest.

Lucky for me, the end was in sight. The trees thinned and the air became lighter, not pressing down on me like some rabid elephant. I stumbled out of the forest, thankful for the light air.

Ah! There it was, the holy grail!

Fluttershy's cabin.

I pressed forward at all the speed I dared, trying hard not to trip on a rock or my ridiculous tail.

No more than twenty paces from the door, I fell straight onto my chin and watched as stars lighting up my eyes were sucked away by a black tunnel.

-

"Hello darkness, my old friend..."

-

My eyes rolled wildly as I slowly woke up. The ceiling above me was light oak or maybe birch. I took a few breaths to clear my head. Thankfully, I no longer felt like a drunk, and the headache I'd had was gone.

I sat up. Hooves clacked below me, along with the tumult of many woodland creatures creating an offbeat symphony. I slipped out of the sheets and landed on the floor with a thump.

The symphony stopped. I knew I'd been caught.

The door creaked slowly open. I stepped back a few steps.

"Um...h-hello," Fluttershy stammered, peeking just her head around the small space between the door and frame.

I just stared.

"A-are you...O-OK, m-mister?"

I blinked. "Oh, uh, yes. I'm just a little confused."

Fluttershy sank back, covering her snout with the door. "Ah...um..."

I shook my head, trying to reassure her. "You're Fluttershy, right?" What a stupid question.

"Y-yes..."

"I've heard your friend Twilight might be able to help me. Could you help me find her?"

"Oh, uh...yes. Come with me."

I tromped unceremoniously downstairs.

"SHH! You'll wake my animals!"

I winced. "Sorry!"

She just shook her head disapprovingly. /That's a new one/, I thought to myself. She kinda seemed...more like a bitch now. Just a bit, but nonetheless.

"Care for some tea?"

I nodded. "Thank you."

As she fixed the tea, I tried hard to stop from twitching and focused on keeping my hooves stationary.

"Take a seat, Mister...What was your name again?"

I thought for a second. Too many ideas to pick through, so I just blurted the first fitting name I could think of.

"Vibe. Name's Blood Vibe. Call me Jaxby, though."

"Um...okay...Jaxby." A small blush formed on her cheeks.

Mentally I recoiled briefly. /Don't you fucking /dare/, Alistair. I know her well enough to tell she's not like that./

F-shy sat down with me at the table, blush fading. "Um...I, uh...You start," she stuttered nervously.

I sighed. "Okay. Well..." I thought for a second, trying to find an excuse. "I...did come /back/ recently from the...ah..."

"Zebraland? Oh, I'm sorry," she whimpered.

"No, thank you, I'd forgotten the name of the blasted place. Zebras..." I trailed off, letting my eyes do the talking. I hoped the façade worked. "Crazy creatures, they are. Guerrilla warfare notwithstanding, they have some of the worst tactics-at least, in social situations. My, my...I seem to have acquired a rather bad case of amnesia. You may have to help me with some things while I'm here in...?" I feigned ignorance.

"Ponyville."

"Thank you. I promise I'll tell you the whole story some day." I did intend to keep that promise. "But I think I should be off to see Twilight."

"Wait! What about your tea?"

I shrugged. "Enjoy it," I said, trying to make it sound better than it sounded in my head.

She shrank in her chair and whimpered. "Just..." She squeaked. "Just tell me...what happened to your wings?"

I flipped one wing towards my face and inspected the serrated, sectional piece of metal covering my wings. "Attempted suicide." I shrugged.

/You, Alistair Soren Jaxby, are the KING of idiots./

There was silence as I stepped out the door. Only as the door gently shut behind me, did I hear the inevitable gasp and thud.

"Sorry, Flutts," I whispered.

The walk into town was relatively short comparative to the walk from the Everfree to Fluttershy's house, only separated by about two blocks' worth of trees rather than six. The town was exactly the same as it looked in the show. Thatched roof, white painted, two story. I blinked. /Might as well use these to my advantage/, I thought to myself, glancing back at my wings. Locating the muscles I would need after trial and error, I flexed my wings out to my sides. It tickled, like the weird feeling you get when you take off a cast and start using a muscle again - half instinct, half trying not to lose control and going nuts and hurting yourself. Flapping hard, I gained a better perspective of the area around me.

There! Ponyville Library. Oh, crap, wings. I narrowly avoided faceplanting after taking a fall.

"Bud, are you alright?" A cracking voice called from above.

Ah, shit.

"Not...really," I responded to the tomboyish rainbow-maned Pegasus. "I, uh..." I realized I had no cover story for the shitty flying. I stared at my hooves ashamedly. "I never learned to fly."

I shit you not, Rainbow Dash fell out of the sky.

"HOW in hay could a Pegasus not have learned to fly?!" She sounded as if she'd just been told the Wonderbolts didn't exist.

"Books," I said, tapping my temple with a hoof.

"Ahhh, so you're lookin' for my friend Twilight. Go down this street two blocks, make a left and a right and follow that road to the end then turn right around the muffin shop."

"Thank you, miss...?"

"Rainbow Dash, the one and only! Fastest flier in Equestria, the only pony EVER to accomplish the famed Sonic Rainboom...Hey! Where you going?!"

I hid a smile. "You really need to lose that line if that's all you've been saying to try to get into the Bolts this whole time."

She ran over to me. "How do you know about that?" She demanded, stopping in front of me. "Are you a SPY?"

I laughed and pushed her out of the way with one hoof. "I've heard that before. I've only just gotten here anyway. How should I know your entire history?" I paused. "Oh, wait. 20% cooler, Shadowbolts, Nightmare Moon, The Elements of Harmony, Crazy Pinkie, The Grand Galloping Gala, Discord. Want more?" I stopped, dropping whatever smile I’d had. "Oh, a spy you say? When you see my world, and I'll make sure you do, you'll know exactly what I know."

I left RD with her jaw on the floor. "Meet me here, midday, two days from now."

After running into Pinkie Pie and convincing her that no, I WOULDN'T be taking her job as resident psychic, I had finally made it to Ponyville Library.

"Hello! Welcome to..." Twilight trailed off as soon as she saw my face.

I grinned awkwardly. "I, uh...came to look for a spell on-" I squeaked and broke off as the unicorn grabbed me, rather painfully, by my chest and dragged me inside.

"What the HELL are you doing here?!" She hissed, blowing out a candle in the window.

"What?"

"Celestia told me this was impossible! Why would she lie to me?!" She groaned. "And a better question, what do you know about spells?"

I blinked. "Back up, Twilight. How much do you know about me?"

"Alistair Soren Jaxby, 24, Oak Hill, California, three-hundred dollar a week salary with a paper making firm. Blood Vibe, guitarist, singer and drummer in Equestria's first rock band, developer of guns and ammo. Valkyrie Fyre, NLR Second in Command. Dies in b-" She cut herself off and turned away from me.

I allowed myself a look of smug satisfaction. "You've been time-traveling again, haven't you? That's cheating, you know."

The unicorn narrowed her eyes. "Your turn," she growled.

I smiled. "Twilight Sparkle. Accomplished student of the Sun Princess, Celestia. Good friends with Princesses Luna and Mi Amore Cadenza. Canterlot raised. Sent to Ponyville year of the thousandth Summer Sun Celebration to study the so-called 'Magic of Friendship'. Control freak. Must be organized. Bearer of the Element of Harmony, Magic. Defeated Nightmare Moon and realigned Princess Luna the following Nightmare Night. One of six to re-encase Discord in stone. Need I go on?"

Twilight's jaw hung far below a normal level.

"Twili?"

She snapped. "Don't you DARE call me that! Freak!"

I laughed as the unicorn angrily turned and trudged loudly up the stairs. "Spike! Oh, Spiiiike!" I called, mocking Twilight's voice.

My left front knee gave out, and a gigantic migraine crammed its way suddenly into my head. "Oh...Twilight..." I groaned weakly. I fell onto my side before I could see if she was looking or not.

"...help..." Was the last thing I said before I blacked out.

Chapter 3

Back home.

I sat up like a rocket, covering my mouth with my hands. Nausea. Oh my god. I'm going to throw up, in my bed. I shoved the sheets off and, one hand still covering, ran to the bathroom.

My innards were forcefully extricated from within over the painful course of four minutes and fifty one point seven seconds. Yes, I counted.

I sat leaning against the cold wall, lights off, stripped to the underwear, trying to catch my breath.

"What...the FLYING FUCK...was THAT?" I yelled to nothing in particular.

Hello, Alistair.

I fumbled for my gun, before I remembered – I don't have one.

The new voice in my head chuckled. My name is Princess Luna of Equestria. I hope your return home was not too bad?

I had no idea how to respond with words.

Oh. Right. If you wish to speak to me, simply think what you wish to say towards my voice.

Like this?

Yes! Very good. You humans aren't completely stupid. Yes, that's good. The return trip?

I sighed in my head. Nothing short of shocking.

Luna laughed. Were you expecting different?

Possibly.

She laughed again. Alpha release.

I blinked in shock.

Well, I suppose Ponyville will be graced with your presence again tomorrow night. At least, in your time.

I have to do that all AGAIN?!

Yep.

Facepalm.

And, you, dear boy shall be seeing us, me and my sister, very soon.

What’s that supposed to mean?

A perfect copy of the princess of the Night, in holographic form, materialized in front of my eyes, in spite of the darkness of the restroom.

I squealed. Like a girl. Yep.

The holograph laughed. “Better?” It asked.

I shook my head. The form disappeared.

Whatever. Like I said, see you soon.

The feeling I had not noticed from the princess left my head as soon as her echoing voice burned off.

I sighed.

--

The next day passed too quickly for my liking. I actually can’t recall much from that day. So we’ll just skip over that…

I got home and put my bike away. Leaning against the cabinet like I had the previous night, I called out to Luna.

Do I really have to do this?

Silence for a second. Then…

Yes. Right now would be a damn good time, Alistair.

As much as I hate to say this, fine. I had a good guess as to what the disaster was this time.

I hope I’ll see you soon.

I thought for a second. I can’t go to sleep quickly enough to help out, Princess Luna.

This is Celestia.

Oh. The fact remains the same.

Loophole, found.

I felt a sucking sensation in my shoes, and I got an awful case of tunneled double vision.

There was a clatter, and then I disappeared.

Not worth it.

Author speaking here. If at any point, you may have been interested in this story, I thank you. And even if you weren't, thank you for at least taking the time out to look at it.

However, seeing as I wrote this when season three was halfway through its broadcast and wrote it to season three canon, and since I haven't actually opened any of my stories in weeks, and this was supposed to be a collaborative effort with a friend who is no longer in the fandom, I see no reason to continue updating this story. It was a fever dream from a foolish time in the fandom's history, where the audience was at its peak. I've already got the rest of my life and several other stories hanging over my head, so to not do this would be a fool's mate.

Ladies, Gentlemen...

Goodnight.