Chapters "Hello," said the suit clad man. "My name is Barack Obama. What political party are you?"
Twilight scrunched her face up. "Uh… Celestia's?"
Obama put his hand to his chin and thought. The wind ruffled his hair. Or lack of it. "Celestia's… I don't believe I've ever heard of that party," he said.
"Of course not," Twilight said. "You're in a different world."
"Different world?"
Twilight sighed wearily. "Get the slide show," she said, turning to Rarity.
"Me? Why me?" Rarity whined.
"Because last time I let Rainbow Dash do it she got drool on everything," Twilight said.
"Hey!" Rainbow Dash said. "You know how hard it is to do that without magic!"
"You know, is there any reason you can't do it!?" Rarity said, glaring at Twilight. "You can make buildings explode with your head! Setting up a projector should be easy!"
"Well, it was my turn last week, that's why! So now it's your turn!" Twilight yelled.
Applejack tried to butt in. "You know, I could set u…"
"NO!" Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Twilight yelled. They were about to continue arguing when Obama reached over and covered all three of their mouths. The way they were arranged, it required an artful combination of his hands, foot, and face.
"Now, now. Don't fight," he said. "This is how international incidents are started."
Twilight quickly backed away from his hand and spat on the ground. "Who did you say you were again?" she said.
Obama dramatically stood up and adjusted his tie. "Barack Obama. Former Harvard review president," he said.
"WHAT!?" Twilight screamed, much to the other's shock.
"What's so crazy about that?" Applejack said. "That's just another one of those dumb tabloids, isn't it?"
"I don't know, but what's important is what he did after that," Twilight said, shaking on her hooves. "If the other humans are to be believed, this man is the leader of one of the most largest and influential countries in the human world, the United States."
"Wh—!?" Everyone else started to say, before Pinkie Pie leaned closer to Twilight and asked, "That's sort of like Celestia, right?"
Twilight nodded.
"What!? " everyone else said.
"Who's raising the sun there!?" Applejack said.
"Who's running fashion!?" Rarity said.
"Wait a second!" Twilight yelled. "Their world doesn't work like ours! Stuff like that just works on its own. And besides, it's not like the United States just runs the world over there."
"I would beg to differ on the last one…" Obama said.
"Anyways, let's get the slideshow set up so we can acquaint him with his situation," Twilight said, and walked off.
– – – –
The projection room was dark, shady, and suspiciously damp, like the dark recesses of 4chan. In the end, the ponies drew straws to decide who would set up the projector. Unfortunately, they were made of grass, and Pinkie Pie ate them, so they all ended up working together to set up the projector. This went predictably well.
"Can't we just get a stallion to do this for us?" Rarity whined, Rainbow Dash's foot in her mouth.
"No! You would just end up running off with him, and then we would end up doing all this ourselves!" Twilight yelled back, holding Rainbow Dash in one hoof and a film reel in the other.
"I told you guys I could do this myself, but did you believe me? No!" Applejack said, balancing on top of Rainbow Dash's head, tangled up in some wires.
"How did we even get like this, anyways?" Rainbow Dash said, Twilight's other foot in her mouth.
"I'm cotton candy!" Pinkie Pie said from inside the film reel.
Fluttershy beat them all up and set up the projector herself.
"Thanks, Fluttershy," Twilight said. She turned on the projector. After a really horrible lurch, and some unearthly dark magic writhed up to it from the ground, it started violently shaking and making a creepy groaning sound while projecting the first slide.
Twilight started. "This is a map of Equestria, the country you are currently in. It is inhabited by magical talking ponies." She waited for the inevitable laughter, but instead Obama calmly studied the map. "For some reason, it corresponds exactly with a TV show in your world called 'My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.' Have you ever seen this show?"
Obama shook his head.
Finally , Twilight thought to herself. She resumed the presentation. "Then I will need to explain this world in some more detail." Next slide. It showed a pegasus, unicorn, and earth pony together with uncharacteristic happiness. "There are three types of ponies here. Unicorns, like me, who can use magic," she said as she set Applejack's hat on fire, "…pegasuses… pegasi… whatever the plural of pegasus is, who can fly," she said as Rainbow Dash did a loop and crashed into a wall, "… earth ponies, who can do… what are they good for again? Oh yeah, physical labor," she said as Applejack gave her the hoof, "…and Pinkie Pie. We're not quite sure what the deal with her is." Pinkie Pie briefly assimilated with the wall. "Any questions?"
Obama raised his hand. "What was Pinkie Pie again?"
"We have many theories, none of them conclusive," Twilight said. "And make sure to remember all three types, because if you walk up to a unicorn and call them an earth pony, you'll get, like, pony shanked."
Fluttershy sharpened a piece of glass threateningly.
Twilight changed slides again. "We are ruled by two alicorns, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. An alicorn is a unicorn with wings. They are immortal and extremely powerful. They are what makes night and day happen here."
"Why didn't you mention alicorns earlier, when you were talking about the pony types?" Obama asked, poring over the slide.
"Good question," Twilight said. Not many of the humans were this curious. "It's because they're extremely uncommon, and becoming one is almost impossible. Trust me, you won't run into many alicorns, but when you do, you'll know what to do."
"And that is?"
"Submit blindly."
Obama cleared his throat. "These princesses," he said, "are they elected, or did they just impose their rule on you?"
The room was silent.
"Look, you…!" Rainbow Dash said, putting her hooves up like fists.
"It's not exactly imposing when they raise the sun for us!" Twilight yelled, then turned away and regained her composure. "Sorry, it's just… we look up to them a lot. They're the whole reason we live. Especially me, I owe everything to…" Twilight turned away again.
Obama wondered.
"She's helped your people a lot, too," Applejack said. "She's made a town for all of you to live in until we figure out how to get you all back."
Obama looked at Applejack. "You mean—?"
"That's right," Twilight said. This was the hard part. "You're stuck here. We don't know why you're all popping up here or how to get you back home. According to the other humans, people have just started disappearing for no reason. There doesn't appear to be anything in common with those that end up here. All we've been able to do is identify the magic signal that's produced when you arrive, so you don't die of exposure. But your hopes… your dreams…" She looked down. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"No, it's not your fault," Obama said. "I don't blame you. You've done everything you can."
"Anyways," Applejack said, "we'll leave you alone for a while. Think about your future here. You have a choice. You can try to live here in Ponyville, with us, or in that town Twilight mentioned where the other humans are."
"Live in Ponyville!" Pinkie Pie yelled, ruining the dramatic moment. "I've been to that human town, and it's suuuuper depressing!"
"Yeah!" Spike said, so he didn't feel left out.
"Let's go, Pinkie Pie," Twilight said. They all left the room. Obama sat down on the floor, contemplating the situation.
If there was no way back, he would just have to make the most of his time here. The princesses seemed to have quite the tight control over their subjects. Kim Jong-Il would be proud. The ponies here could hardly think a bad thought about the rulers.
That's when he decided.
Obama dramatically stood up and swore. He swore to free the inhabitants of Equestria from their oppressive rulers.
Also, the ceiling was seriously short, and he hit his head.
"Well?" Applejack said. "Have you made your decision?"
"I have," Obama said. "I want to live in Ponyville."
"Okay," Twilight said, beginning to lead everyone towards town. "In that case, you'll need to pass a test."
Obama looked perplexed. "A test?"
"Don't worry. It's just to make sure that you won't be a problem in town," Twilight said. "Trust me, you do not want to know what we've had to deal with."
"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie grated. "Like that one guy! TJ! Or JC! Or whatever! He didn't like me!"
"You set him on fire!" Twilight yelled back.
"He deserved it!" Pinkie Pie said. "He broke a Pinkie promise!"
"That shouldn't mean capital punishment!"
"But what if he goes around breaking even more Pinkie promises? What then?"
"He should get humane treatment, at least!"
Pinkie Pie gaped. "And breaking Pinkie promises is humane!?"
"Not to mention the impact setting people on fire has on the economy! Is that really humane?"
"Guys! …ponies! …guys! Stop!" Obama said, covering their mouths again. "There is only one way to win the capital punishment argument, and that's to ignore it."
"Fine!" Pinkie Pie said. "I'll just ignore it, so I win!"
Twilight looked confused. "What? But—"
Obama cleared his throat.
"Fine," Twilight groaned. "I'll ignore it too, so it's a draw. Pinkie, you can only half set people on fire."
"Half set people on fire?"
"Like putting a hot iron on their face."
Everyone looked at Twilight in horror. Obama and Fluttershy nodded in approval.
"Deal!" Pinkie Pie said, then paused. "…Pinkie promise?"
"Does that mean I get to put a hot iron on your face if you break it?" Twilight said.
"Yep," Pinkie Pie replied, not realizing the implication here.
"Then you have a deal!" Twilight said, giving Pinkie Pie a high… one.
"Isn't compromise great?" Obama said.
Everyone else silently vowed to never make another Pinkie promise.
"Shouldn't we get to that test?" Applejack said, desperate to change the subject from Pinkie Pie setting people on fire.
"Yeah," Twilight said, starting to head away. "Let's go."
– – – –
Obama, Twilight, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie walked through the town. It was a quiet, bright day. Not much could ruin the silence.
Obama quickly broke it.
"Twilight," Obama said. "I have another question about Equestria."
"Fire away."
"We've been walking through town for 20 minutes and I haven't seen a single mare with a stallion," he asked, staring at a mare couple licking each other's face. "What's the story on gay rights here?"
They stopped walking. The gang stared at him like he was insane. Twilight hung her mouth open in disbelief.
Then came the uncontrollable laughter.
"Gay rights? Gay rights!?" Twilight said. "Are you kidding? We have problems with straight rights here!"
"…what?"
"Me, Spike, and Twilight are the only publicly straight ponies in Ponyville," Rarity said.
Spike fist pumped until he realized what Rarity just said. "Wait, I'm not a pony!"
"We've decided you don't really count as a dragon," Rarity said.
"Or, wait, wasn't there one other?" Twilight said. "Some pegasus. What was her name? Ditzy Do?"
"I thought it was Derpy," Applejack said.
"Wasn't it Bright Eyes?" Rainbow Dash said.
"She keeps trying to break into my house," Rarity said.
Pinkie Pie looked confused. "Aren't you ignoring the Cak—?"
"Anyways, it doesn't matter. Point is, it's rare," Twilight said. "If you're worried about that, you won't have any problems here."
Obama let this process. "So, how exactly did things end up like that?" he asked, naïvely.
"I don't know," Twilight said. "All the history books say is Celestia 'ran out of stallions.' They never go into any more detail than that. I've never been able to figure out what it means."
Obama stared at her in disbelief.
"Oh, I know how she feels sometimes," Rarity whined, dramatically raising her hoof. "Sometimes seeing the same men over and over gets so boring. "
Twilight realized what it meant. She began to vomit and rethink her life simultaneously.
"Hey, you okay?" Applejack said. "That don't look healthy."
"Y-Yeah," Twilight stammered. There would be time to question existence later.
Fluttershy planted the evidence in the vomit.
– – – –
After much too boring to be include banter, the gang finally arrived at the community center. Twilight gave Obama a tour of it, also too boring to include, until they stopped in a small room empty except for a coffee table covered with cheap magazines and a couch.
"And here's the waiting room," Twilight said, heading out. "Stay in here until we get back."
"Okay," Obama said. The door slammed shut. He looked around. It was a quaint room. Very quaint. On the couch, towards the edge, there was a pony sitting in what looked like a very uncomfortable fashion.
"Hi!" she said.
Seriously, no quadruped should ever force that posture on themselves.
She didn't seem to mind, though. "Want to sit down?" she said, oddly eager.
"Oh," Obama said, sitting down. "Sure."
They sat there for a bit.
"What's your name?"
"Barack Obama."
"My name's Lyra."
"Pleasure."
He began to reach to shake her hoof.
"What's it like, having hands?"
"What?"
"Like, what you do with them and stuff? What's it like?"
"It's… nice. " Obama decided, for the second time in his life, to take a stand. "I fully support hands."
"No, I mean, what do you do with them?"
"Uh. Open doors. Hold stuff. You… you know."
Lyra looked at her hooves, then Obama. "What would you do if you, say… lost your hands?"
Obama recoiled. "What?"
"Like, say, in some horrible boating accident. Or a fire. Or if, like, some crazy person, like someone that totally isn't me, really wanted them and got out the…"
"We're talking hypothetically here, right?"
"Well, yeah. It's not like any of those things could actually happen , right?" Lyra got closer. "Right?"
Obama backed away. "I think that depends on you."
"I said not me."
"I'm not sure I believe you."
Lyra decided to subtly change topics. "So what are you doing this Friday?"
"What?"
"This Friday. Are you free?"
Obama paused. "I… just came from another dimension a couple hours ago."
"Then you don't have any prior engagements."
Obama tried to pretend this wasn't going where he thought it was. "I guess. Why?"
"I was thinking we could go out… have dinner…"
Obama scooted away from Lyra.
"Or, you know what? We could skip dinner. Dinner's optional. But then, you could stay the night at my place…" Lyra stroked her hair and leaned closer to Obama, cornering him against the edge of the couch. "You know, to have a place to sleep. And someone to sleep with. And if you don't like me, I do have a pretty hot roommate/girlfriend/caretaker…"
Obama defensively put his hands up. "Okay, no offense here, but you are really creeping me out."
Twilight popped up from behind the couch. "And you pass!" she said.
"What?" Obama looked around, only to see the rest of the gang pop out from various other hiding spots. "What? What's going on?"
"The test is whether you get creeped out by Lyra or not," Twilight said. "Isn't that right, Lyra?" She put her hoof around Lyra's shoulder.
"I still find this all a little insulting…" Lyra said.
"Too bad!" Twilight said. "If she creeps you out, the normal reaction, you can stay. If you identify with her creepy human lust , the abnormal, depraved reaction, then we know you are horrible person, beyond any hope whatsoever , and send you to live with the other humans."
Lyra glared at Twilight. "Right here…"
"The ends justify the means," Twilight said to her. "Remember that freak that said he would ravish you right here in the waiting room?"
"It was glorious," Lyra gurgled.
"My point exactly," Twilight said. "We don't want those freaks running around our town. Anyways, enough about Lyra. Let's see if anyone has any room to board Obama here."
They all walked outside.
"Who were we talking about again?" Rainbow Dash said.
"No."
"No room here."
"I've got enough freeloaders."
"I said no."
"Get away, you freaks!"
After Colgate turned them down for the last time, the gang started dejectedly walking around town.
"I don't understand," Pinkie Pie said. "Last time they were so eager to have a human!"
"You could always stay with me," Rarity said, eyeing Obama.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "You just want to sleep with him, don't you?"
"What!? No! Don't be ridiculous," Rarity said with very little conviction.
"I bet they're nervous because of that last guy," Applejack said.
Obama perked up. "Last guy?"
"Dan. Or Tim. Or Bob. Something three letters long with a vowel in the middle. We tried to forget him," Twilight said. "When Lyra started hitting on him, he bellowed at the sky and started choking her. We figured if he was that opposed to her depravity, he would be an even better fit for Ponyville."
"And?"
"No."
Obama sighed.
Twilight felt bad. "Don't worry, I'm sure we can find someone willing to put you up. I mean, you were a well respected, competent leader back in your world," she said, not knowing the controversy that would start in the comments section.
Across the street, an ear perked up. Suddenly Mayor Mare was right next to Twilight. "Did someone say leader? " she purred unnaturally.
Twilight spotted an opportunity. "Yes, this is Barack Obama, former—"
"Community organizer," Obama continued, confusing Twilight.
"Oh, this is perfect!" Mayor Mare said. "Our last community organizer just got murdered!"
Full stop.
"What!? " Applejack said.
"How did this happen!? Do you know who did it!?" Twilight said.
"We found her in Fluttershy's yard, holding onto a half signed petition with her dying breath," Mayor Mare said. "But Fluttershy didn't do it. She has an alibi."
"Are you sure!?" Twilight said. "How do you know?"
"Fluttershy said so."
Fluttershy nodded.
There was nothing at all suspicious about this.
"Anyways," Mayor Mare said, turning to Obama, "would you be willing to take her place?"
"Of course," Obama said. All the easier to infiltrate.
"Wonderful! Let me show you to the town hall," Mayor Mare replied, leading Obama away.
The gang watched them walk away and sighed in relief.
"Finally!" Rarity said, joyously. "I can get back to my bachelor party."
"Rarity," Twilight said, disgusted, "I will do everything in my power to prevent that."
"Oh, are you jealous? " Rarity said, stroking her hair. "I'm flattered, but I don't do mares. At least not for free."
Twilight screamed in frustration. Luckily Rainbow Dash appeared out of nowhere to brighten the mood.
"Hey guys," she said, Scootaloo's frayed wing in her mouth. She spit Scootaloo out onto the only piece of hard asphalt in Ponyville. "Did I miss anything?"
"Oh, we were just looking for a place for the human to live," Rarity said.
"Oh! Oh oh! I have the best idea!" Rainbow Dash said. "He could live with the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"
"Are you insane!?" Twilight yelled. "Who would let some random old guy live with their kids!?"
"No, think about it," Rarity said. "Between Rainbow Dash and a weird old man from a different dimension that we barely know, which would you choose?"
A brief pause.
"Weird old man."
"Old guy."
"The one that isn't Rainbow Dash."
"Interdimensional abomination."
"Creepy man."
"Yeah, no offense," Rarity said, even though it totally was, "but Rainbow Dash, you are horrible with kids."
"What? You kidding? I'm great with kids!" Rainbow Dash said, somehow injuring Scootaloo in the process.
"Right," Twilight said, dodging the blood. "Why are you so insistent on demonstrating it?"
"Someday," Rainbow Dash said, looking dreamily up to the sky. "I'll be a professional party planner."
Twilight blinked. "Don't you already manage the weather? Isn't that basically your cutie mark?"
"The money just isn't there," Rainbow Dash said.
Twilight cocked her head. "The money is in party planning? "
"Yeah!" Rainbow Dash said, pulling a brochure from the same place Pinkie Pie keeps all her weird crap. Pinkie Pie made a mental note to step up her security. "Check it out!"
Twilight took it, assuming she was the only literate pony as usual. "The Rainbow Factory," she read. "Hard, cold money! And mares! Wonderbolt supported! Requirements: you must be good with children, pony sized grinding machines, or both." Various pictures of smiling children and rainbows adorned the margins. For some incomprehensible reason, there was also a gorilla on a motorcycle.
"What exactly do they do again?" Applejack said, confused as everyone else.
"Plan parties, obviously," Rainbow Dash said.
"Sounds like my kind of joint, yo," Pinkie Pie said, trying, and failing, to be gangsta.
"Mine too. I want to get in on that pony grinding," Rarity said, doing that creepy eyebrow thing sex offenders do, apparently, before she quickly corrected herself. "With stallions, of course."
Fluttershy denied any involvement in this business.
"So, let me get this straight," Applejack asked. "You're basically keeping Scootaloo around just so you can get mares and cash?"
Rainbow Dash nodded. "Why? Is there something wrong with that?"
Applejack sighed. "Rainbow Dash, if you keep this up, I'm going to adopt Scootaloo."
"I'm not an orphan Rainbow Dash just keeps kidnapping me," Scootaloo tried to say, but through the spleen coming out of her mouth it came out more like "Rainbow Dash is wonderful!"
"Aw," Rarity cooed. "Well, if Scootaloo says so."
"I guess it's fine," Twilight said. "Let's go get a drink, guys."
The gang went to Applejack's house. After making sure no one was watching, she took out a crossbow from a pile of hay and shot at a random panel on the side of her barn. The ground started shaking, and the patch of ground underneath them lowered, exposing a secret passageway. After making their way through an ice maze dungeon and saying the secret password in front of a flamethrower protected door, the gang reached Applejack's secret reserve cider bar.
It's not like alcohol was illegal or anything, it was just cooler like this.
"W00000t!" Applejack's slurred, taking a sip. "N0thing b3ats r3s3rv3 c1d3r!"
"Yesh!" Rainbow Dash slurred, somehow drunk before drinking anything.
Fluttershy single-handedly emptied one of the kegs.
Pinkie Pie became the glass.
"Whatever you can't solve a problem wash stallions, there's always alcohol!" Rarity slurred. "And according to history… he says Celestia withs the same way, right, Twilight? Right? So it's okay! Less do that, guys!"
After deciphering what Rarity said, and trying to ignore Applejack and Rainbow Dash doing increasingly inappropriate things with their tongues, Twilight wondered.
– – – –
Finally at home, and gloriously, gloriously drunk, Twilight put Spike to bed and quietly trotted to one of her many bookshelves. She scanned through the titles. She was looking for something specific. Finally, she found it. She took "Equestrian History 101" out of the shelf and started paging through it.
There. That sentence.
"Homosexual relations were unusual until 13th century AC, when our great Princess Celestia ran out of stallions, and in her infinite wisdom, declared them the new normal."
Followed by heaps of praise talking about how it bolstered the economy, created jobs, and reduced overpopulation.
Obviously it didn't hurt that much, but…
Ran out of stallions.
That bugged her.
The princess said she was always looking out for the greater good. But what greater good was that? Who did that really benefit, other than her? She could've chosen to embrace homosexual relations for many other reasons, and in many different ways, but instead she chose to make everyone suit her whims when it was convenient. Now that Twilight thought about it, Celestia only became interested in her after she saw she had power. Was Twilight just one of her pawns?
Twilight thought back to what Obama said. Was she just imposing her rule?
Maybe…
Maybe he was right.
"Rarity! Let me in! I'm telling you! It's important!"
"Really, Derpy," Rarity said. "Do you really think I'd buy that after you've tried to break into my house at least 20 times?"
"Ditzy."
"What?"
"My name," Ditzy said, "is Ditzy."
"With those eyes? I don't think so."
"Oh, nevermind. Just let me in! The fate of the universe lies in the balance!"
"I bet it does, darling."
"Let me see the Doctor!"
"Oh, you mean that handsome stallion that's living with me?"
"The one you've kidnapped and made your sex slave? Yes."
"Sorry, I'm still using him. You aren't getting him, and that's that."
Derpy rolled her eyes. "Fine. Can I at least have the TARDIS?"
"Oh, you mean that great closet? I swear, it's bigger on the inside than the outside."
Derpy glared. "Yes, I mean the closet."
"It's a nice closet."
"It's not yours."
"Okay then, how did your little boyfriend get it?"
"He stole it from a museum."
"A museum?"
"The door was unlocked."
"Well then, it doesn't seem like it's his either. I would say it belongs to just about anyone, wouldn't you?"
"Just give it to me."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"No."
"No."
Ditzy screamed in frustration and stormed off.
"At least I can get some!" Rarity screamed, then slammed the door.
As soon as she turned around, someone started loudly knocking on the door. She spun around and slammed the door open as loud as she could.
"No means no, D—" Rarity began to say, but it wasn't Ditzy who greeted her. It was Obama. "Oh, I mean, what can I do for you today?"
"Well, I don't have to start as community organizer for a week, so I was thinking it would be a good idea to get some more suits," he said. "I was told you were the pony to go to for that."
"You were told correctly!" Rarity said, beaming at the chance to show off her skills. "Right this way! Let me take your measurements!"
She led him through a couple of hallways until they finally reached her studio. He could have sworn he heard some muffled screaming coming out from a closet, but it was probably nothing.
"Now take off your coat," Rarity said.
Obama obliged. Rarity took out a tape measure with magic and started measuring him. At first she measured the normal things, the length of his legs and torso, but then she kept measuring increasingly bizarre parts of his body until Obama got the feeling she was just making up random things to measure to make this take longer. He looked around the room. It was disheveled, with all the usual things a fashion designer would need lying about everywhere. Fabric, scissors, paper, pencils, locks of hair, needles, maces…
Wait, what?
Obama decided to look out the window.
"So," Obama said, awkwardly trying to break the silence. "Nice weather today."
"Yeah."
Damn. Didn't work.
Time for some light conversation. "So, you're one of the few straight ponies in Equestria?"
"Er, yes," Rarity replied, fumbling with the tape measure a bit.
"What's that like?" Obama asked. "Do you feel discriminated against? This is one of the first times I'm actually part of a minority group I'm representing, so—"
"Oh, yes, it's horrible! " she whined. "I can't get the fresh cakes, people always cut me in line, I have to pay 5% more sales tax…"
Rarity looked up to Obama.
Obama looked at Rarity with those meticulously soul gazing, sympathetic eyes. They had better be soul gazing, at least—he paid $700 for a workshop on how to get the corners of his eyes just right.
Rarity couldn't bear it any longer. "You want to know the truth?"
"What?"
"I'm just as gay as the rest of them."
Obama paused. "What?"
"The only reason I surround myself with stallions is publicity. What could be more controversial than a straight fashion designer?" Rarity laughed.
"But don't you feel bad, hiding yourself?"
"No. I'm the second most popular fashion designer in Equestria thanks to that tip!"
"Tip?"
"I got the idea from one of you," Rarity said. "What was his name? Leopard? Lion? Some cat…"
Obama threw out the most ridiculous guess he could think of. "Tiger Woods?"
"That's it!"
What.
"He told me all about it. He told me that, in the human world, he was a huge celebrity," Rarity said, "but that he only reached legendary amounts of fame when it came out that he had 23 mistresses. That gave me an idea. Sure, my designs had been praised, but that wasn't enough. If I wanted to break into the industry, I needed an edge. Something to make me stand out. Something unique. Something like… a scandal! And what could be more scandalous than being publicly straight in Equestria? Especially in Ponyville, the gay capital of Equestria, thanks to Rainbow Dash."
"I can think of a couple things," Obama said, no stranger to scandals.
"Yes, but I mean legal things, dear," Rarity said. "Trust me, I looked into it, and this was—"
She froze, staring into space.
"What?" Obama said, worried. "What's wrong?"
"Now that I think about it, there is one more thing that could be more controversial," Rarity said, looking right at Obama.
"Really? What is it?" Obama asked, not liking the direction this was headed.
"There's only one thing that could be more controversial than being with a male pony …"
Obama blinked.
No.
She wasn't.
Rarity stopped her work and started sauntering towards Obama. "Oh, how rude of me! I haven't given you a complete tour of the house. Tell me, have you seen the inside of a pony's bedroom yet?"
Oh god. She was.
"No," Obama said. "No, no, no, no, no, and no. You find someone else for your little games. I am playing no part in this."
"But!" Rarity whined. "This is guaranteed to make the front page!"
"No, it's wrong, and I am not having this conversation," Obama said, gathering his old suit jacket. "I'm leaving."
He started walking towards the front door, but as soon as he got there Rarity zoomed in front of him.
"Did I say anything about a choice?" she said, slowly backing him up against the wall.
"No, but I'm making a choice," Obama said, to the shock of pundits everywhere. "And I'm saying no."
Rarity smiled. "I guess I'll have to get rough, then."
"What?"
From seemingly nowhere, she brandished a whip. "Now you play nice…"
Obama screamed, dropped his suit jacket, and started running away.
Rarity licked her lips. "Tiger was right… it is more fun when it isn't consensual."
She ran after him.
Obama went as fast as his legs could carry him. He looked around for an exit. All he could see were windows. He could jump out one. No, wait, that wasn't an option. If he did that, he would ruin his suit and end up right back here with Rarity. What to do? What to do? He hadn't been under this much pressure since the 2008 campaign, and even then he had an entire campaign team to back him up.
Then he got it! The perfect idea! He could hide in a closet through the night and sneak out while she was asleep!
Obama didn't think that good under pressure.
He ran to the closest closet he could see and swung the door open. A beaten looking stallion chained to a wall greeted him.
"It really is a lot easier if you don't resist," he wheezed.
Obama screamed, again. Rarity caught up to him and smashed a flowerpot over his head.
– – – –
Slowly, groggily, Obama opened his eyes. Where was he? Did he appear in yet another world? He looked around. Light purple walls with white molding. Exquisite interior decorating. Drapery everywhere.
Shit.
He was in Rarity's bedroom.
He tried to get up, but for some reason his body would not obey. He tried harder. Still nothing. He looked at his limbs.
He was tied to the bed.
Shit.
He was in Rarity's bedroom, tied to her bed.
Shit.
"Enjoying yourself?" Rarity said, fiddling with her whip.
SHIT.
No, no, no, oh god no, Obama was not going to let this happen. Okay. He needed a plan of attack. First, he would—
"And don't even think of trying to escape," Rarity said, climbing up on the bed. She got out a taser. "Let's just say that will end badly."
Obama whimpered.
"Now you just be a good boy," she said, heading down.
And I'm sure your imaginations can come in and fill in the rest.
Pun intended.
"Twilight?"
No answer.
"Twilight!?"
Still nothing.
"Twilight! There's someone at the door!" Spike screamed.
He turned around. The room was in shambles, books everywhere. Twilight was completely absorbed in reading, quickly checking a book, tossing it aside, and then grabbing a new one.
Obama continued to frantically knock on the door.
There was only one way to get Twilight's attention when she was like this. Spike sat down at Twilight's desk, pulled out a quill pen, and started writing a letter.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Please send Twilight a letter telling her to answer the door.
Your faithful servant, Spike
He snorted the letter and waited. A couple of minutes later, Celestia sent her response. Spike walked over and handed the letter to Twilight.
"I thought I told you not to bother me," she said, irritated.
"It's…" Spike cleared his throat. "It's a letter from the princess."
Twilight snatched it up. "Dear Twilight, Please answer your door. Yours truly, Celestia," she read. "Guess I better check the door!"
Worked every time.
Twilight answered the door. A tired, ragged looking Obama greeted her. He sprinted inside, slammed the front door shut, and braced his body against it.
"What?" Twilight asked. "What is it? What's going on?"
Obama wheezed. "It's Rarity… she…"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Oh geez. Did she rape you?"
Obama whimpered.
"Well, welcome to Ponyville. She does that everyone here, even the mares," Twilight said, patting him on the shoulder. "You didn't enjoy it, so you can at least keep some of your dignity, right?"
Obama glared. "Not helping."
"I mean, she says she's straight, but I don't think anyone really…"
"Yes, yes, not helping."
There was an awkward silence.
Twilight started walking towards the books. "You know… I've been thinking about what you said."
"What did I say?" Obama said, exasperated. "I say a lot of things. I think PolitiFact keeps a list or something. What was this about?"
"About Celestia forcing her rule on us."
"Oh." Obama paused. "Right, that."
"It made me wonder. How did Celestia get to be in charge? So I checked the history books. Guess what? Nothing. Nothing at all."
"Nothing?"
"Same as the 'ran out of stallions' thing. All they say is that she took power and 'made everything better.' "
Obama's interest was piqued. "Better than what? "
"That's the thing," Twilight said, excited. "That isn't in any of the history books either. They all start when she takes power, and anything about what it was like before just says it was 'really bad.' "
Obama put his hand on his chin. "So that means…"
"She forcibly took control and rewrote history!" they both said simultaneously.
Then Twilight realized what she just said. "Okay, this is insane. We need help."
Obama was more gung ho. "No! We don't! We're the only sane ones here! We're the only ones that can change the world!"
"Obama?"
"We will tear down this world and remake it! Remake it in the image of freedom! "
"Obama? Stop."
Obama glared. "Why not? We need to talk about these things. We need to talk about important issues."
"I don't think you're in the best state of mind for that."
Obama put his hands on his hips. "Oh really? Why's that?"
Twilight pantomimed holding a whip.
Obama screamed and hid in a corner.
"Yeah," Twilight said, "you need help."
"But this is important! " Obama said, still shaking. "When else are we going to get a chance to talk alone?"
Spike coughed.
"You're in no condition to talk about ancient conspiracies!" Twilight said, ignoring Spike. "And don't worry. We'll get tons of chances to talk alone. Nothing can stand in the way of true love!"
"Yeah, you're riwhaaaat did you just say?"
Twilight froze. "Oh, nothing!"
"No, you just said something."
"No I didn't!"
"Something about 'true love.' "
Twilight started dragging Obama outside. "Oh come on! What could an egghead like me know about true love? Let's get you to a counselor!"
"No, I'm not dropping this! Not after what I just went through!"
"Time to teleport!"
"No, w
a
a
a
a
a
a
i
t—"
*thunk*
After funneling through a hole in space time, suddenly the two were in front of Applejack's barn.
"We're here!" Twilight said, the teleportation done.
"I—I think I saw the edge of the universe…" Obama panted, his molecules jumping around everywhere. "And I think I saw Pinkie Pie waving at us…"
"Well, time for you to see that counselor of yours! Here you go!" Twilight said. She shoved Obama into the barn and locked the door behind him. "Good luck with that!"
Obama started banging on the door. "I'm not dropping this!"
"I bet you aren't!" Twilight said, then started walking away. She stopped to think.
"Maybe I do need help…"
– – – –
The inside of the barn was pitch black. Obama felt around. On the ground, there was hay. In front of him, he felt something thick… and cardboardy…
The lights turned on, revealing it to be a life-sized Twilight cardboard cutout.
"GAAAHH!"
"Heya there, Obama," Applejack said, entering the barn. "What are you doing here?"
"Twilight *mumble mumble* something *mumble mumble* counseling…"
"Oh," Applejack said. "Oh. Oh! Oh. Oh god. That was you? This is for you?"
"Yes, I think so…"
Applejack put a hoof on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry."
"Sorry? Sorry for what?"
"Rarity doing that to you."
Obama backed away. "How did you know about that?"
"This happens so often Twilight set up a signal to let me know when someone needs help. It's sort of like… like… the bat-signal in your world."
"You do realize that isn't actually a real thing in our world."
"What? It is? Well, whatever. It still works."
Silence.
"Want to sit down?" Applejack asked.
"Yes, please."
Part of the wall opened up and a couch and flimsy office chair slid out. Applejack jumped on the couch, and made Obama sit in the flimsy office chair.
"So, as your counselor," Applejack said. "Tell me your concerns."
"Aren't you a farmer?"
"What?"
"How did you become a counselor?"
"What? A farmer can't be a counselor?"
"Well, it's just not what someone would expect a farmer…"
"Me being a farmer has nothing to do with this."
"How am I supposed to know you're a good counselor?"
"Twilight trusts me."
"That doesn't really help."
"Are you insulting one of my friends?"
"I've been here for barely 24 hours and one of them raped me."
"Rarity's different."
"How?"
"No one actually wants to be friends with her."
"Now how am I supposed to think you're good counselor when you're insulting your friends like that?"
"Well, she just assaulted you, right?"
"Yes."
"Doesn't it make you feel better that I'm insulting her?"
"Not really."
"Why?"
"If no one likes her, why is she still here?"
"I… I don't really know. She sews?"
"And if no one likes her, why hasn't she been charged with sexual assault or something?"
"Oh, that's easy."
"Okay. Tell me."
"Because compared to Lyra and Rainbow Dash, she's nothing."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
"What?"
"Rarity just assaulted me, and you're telling me there's worse ponies around here!?"
"Oh, don't worry, they're not interested in humans."
"Lyra is!"
"Oh. Right."
"And aren't you friends with Rainbow Dash, too?"
"Oh, did I mention Rainbow Dash? I didn't mean that Rainbow Dash. I meant, er, that is…"
"Well, it's too late to take it back now."
"Rainbow Dash? She's cool. Great kisser. Great kisser…"
"That's not what you were saying a couple seconds ago."
"Just because someone is always in court doesn't mean they're a sex offender, right?"
"It's… not a good thing, regardless."
"She's mostly in there for traffic fines."
"For what? There's no cars here."
"For flying. Since she's a pegasus."
"Okay, now there's no traffic. I've never seen more than 10 pegasi in the sky around here."
"Oh."
"How is she getting traffic fines?"
"I don't know."
"So your friend is an idiot."
"Seems so."
"You're such a loyal friend."
"Well, I'm the element of honesty, not loyalty."
"Okay then."
They glared at each other.
"Now what?" Applejack said.
"I don't know," Obama said. "You're the counselor."
"Arguing usually gets the job done."
More glaring.
"Ask how I feel," Obama said.
"What? Why?"
"It's what counselors where I came from do. It's bound to work better than arguing."
"Okay, fine. How do you feel?"
Obama sighed. "Humiliated. Dirty. I mean, I have a wife back home. How am I going to explain this to her?"
"Well that's easy. There's no way back home for you."
Obama blinked. "You really are a horrible counselor."
"Well, you're a horrible patient."
Obama put his hand on his face. "At least I have my position as community organizer to look forward to. Getting back into local government will make me feel useful."
– – – –
"Oh, I don't know what it's like in your world," Mayor Mare said. "But around here the community organizer is kind of like an errand boy."
Obama stared. "What?"
"Well, you can't always start at the top, can you? Now go get me some coffee."
Rainbow Dash answered her phone.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Rainbow Dash. I need your help."
"Oh, hey, Soarin! How you doing, man?"
"I need you to testify for me in court."
"Court? What did you do?"
"It's a custody hearing."
"I didn't know you had children."
"I don't. That's why I need you to testify."
Silence.
"When is this hearing?"
"Next Sunday."
"Oh, that's too bad." Rainbow Dash drew a calendar on her wrist. "I'm busy then."
"What? Busy with what? What could you possibly be busy with!?"
"A date with Fluttershy."
"A date!? A DATE!? Blow her off!"
"Have you seen her when she gets angry?"
"Just help me out here, Rainbow Dash—"
"See you, Soarin!"
"No! I won't let my life be destroyed by a sandwich!"
Rainbow Dash hung up.
"What should I do today?" she said to herself, then smacked her hooves together. "Oh, that's right! I can hang out with Scootaloo! She loves me!"
Then someone knocked on the door. Rainbow Dash answered. It was Obama.
"Hey," she said. "What's up?"
"Hi," he said. "I've been sent here to retrieve a… Scootaloo? What or who is that?"
Rainbow Dash snapped. She slammed the wall. "MY BABY!? ARE YOU TRYING TO TAKE MY BABY!?"
Obama cowered behind his clipboard. "I… no… yes…? I'm just supposed to look after her for today."
"Oh, okay," Rainbow Dash said, now calm. She then started to search around her house. "Where did I put her again?" She checked under the couch.
"You don't know where she is?"
"Well, you know how it is. It's like your TV remote. You know you just used it, but you have no idea where it could've went," Rainbow Dash said, her metaphor horrifying Obama. "Ha! That's it!"
She opened the freezer.
"Hey!" Rainbow Dash said, holding the frozen chunk that was now Scootaloo. "How did you like living with the ice cream?"
Part of Scootaloo's hair chipped off.
"Here you go!" Rainbow Dash said, handing the frozen Scootaloo to Obama. "Have fun, kids! Be sure to have her back by eight!"
Rainbow Dash slammed the door on Obama.
"You're all horrible people," he said.
– – – –
Obama ran to City Hall as quickly as he could. Inside, he rushed to the bathroom. On the way, Mayor Mare spotted him, and, upon seeing the frozen Scootaloo, followed.
"You know," Obama said as he turned on the hot water in the bathtub, placing Scootaloo inside, "in my world, giving a hot bath to a girl I barely know would look very suspicious."
"Does your world have Rainbow Dash?" Scootaloo asked, now able to move her mouth.
"No."
"Then you're fine."
Obama sighed.
"How is she still allowed near you?"
"It's not due to lack of effort, I can tell you that," Mayor Mare said. "Keeping Rainbow Dash away from Scootaloo has been the leading issue of my campaign for the last three years."
"What's been the holdup, then?" Obama asked.
"She has connections. Powerful connections," Mayor Mare said. "Or maybe I should say connection. Being an Element of Harmony has its perks."
"That's horrible!" Obama said. "She gets to repeatedly injure a small child because she helps out Celestia a couple of times!?"
"Well, they did save the world… multiple times…"
"And everyone here has been so helpful to me," Scootaloo said. "At least once a week, City Hall sends someone like you to watch over me for a day and keep me away from Rainbow Dash. I can't really ask for anything more. I know everyone's grateful to Rainbow Dash for helping save the world and stuff…"
Obama thought.
"Is there anything that could get the government to change their minds?" he asked.
"Well," Mayor Mare said. "I suppose if she was caught in some sort of horrible scandal…"
"Which would happen, if she wasn't so careful," Scootaloo said. "If only we could get her to open up to someone…"
They thought.
Obama stood up. "I could do it."
"What?"
"Hook me up with a tape recorder. I go in, try to get her to get close to me, and we'll see what she says. I mean, it's worth a shot, right?"
Scootaloo and Mayor Mare considered it.
Mayor Mare shrugged. "Well, there's no reason not to."
– – – –
Obama adjusted the recording device on his lapel. It was time.
He knocked on Rainbow Dash's door. She answered quickly.
"Hey, what's up?" she said. "Where's Scootaloo?"
"Oh, uh, on a field trip," Obama stuttered. "An opportunity to see a meat packing plant came up at the last minute. It's for… you know. Foreigners." He winced. There was no way she would buy that.
"Sounds fun!" she said. "Wish I could be there. What do you want?"
"I just want to talk."
"About?"
"Anything."
Obama was worried he might be laying it on too thick, but she wasn't Rarity, so it would probably be fine.
Still, it couldn't hurt to dial it back a bit.
"Especially dirty secrets."
Obama wasn't good at thinking under pressure.
Rainbow Dash stared at him, confused, for a little bit. Then she rolled her eyes. "Sure! Usually, I would think you're hitting on me, but since you're a human, and Lyra creeped you out, I know that can't be it."
Obama sighed and entered the house. They both sat on Rainbow Dash's couch.
"Well," Rainbow Dash said. "You go first."
"What?"
"If we're telling secrets, you have to tell one, too."
Obama chuckled. "I don't have anything to hide."
Rainbow Dash looked coy. "Oh really ," she said. "Then what's with what all those rumors the humans spread about you? Something about… being a Muslim?"
Obama clinched his fist. No. Not that. Not here.
"Well?"
He had no choice.
"Yes, it's true," he admitted.
"Okay! …so, is that bad in your world?"
"Yes. No. Sort of. The truth is, I've tried just about every religion in my world. But my campaign managers thought that actually demonstrating love and tolerance would be too controversial, and I wouldn't win the election."
Rainbow Dash blinked. "What?"
"Politics is sort of weird in my world."
"I'll say. Here, Celestia just sorta handles everything."
Obama tried to ignore that. He leaned over. "So?"
"So what?"
"What about your secret?"
"Oh, that." Rainbow Dash got closer to Obama. "I haven't told anyone else this…"
Obama got his hopes up. Maybe this would finally free Scootaloo!
"…except for my closest friends…"
Okay, maybe not.
"The truth is," Rainbow Dash said. "I've been to your world."
Obama paused. "What?"
"Yeah, Twilight screwed up one of her spells and…"
"You mean there's a way back?"
Silence.
"Well, sort of. It was a fluke. She could never get it to happen again, and I was de-aged and had my memories erased. You don't want that, do you?"
She had clearly never spent alone time with Rarity.
Rainbow Dash continued. "Anyways, when I got there, this guy found me. He had heard of the TV show of us in your world…"
Obama shuddered. "Did he get all… Lyra on you?"
"Not even close. He hated it. He put me in a cardboard box and dumped me on a roadside."
"Okay then."
"So then this other guy found me."
"Okay."
"He hated the show even more, so he chucked the box into a rough part of town."
"And you were…?"
"Four years old with no memories, yes."
Obama cringed. "What happened?"
"Exactly what one would expect would happen to a bright blue pony in a rough part of town."
"Oh… oh god."
"Someone was a closet brony and raised me as his own daughter."
"Wait, what?"
"We grew really close. We were practically family. It was great! We hung out all the time, I blew up a bunch of stuff with a sonic rainboom… I finally had someone who understood me!" Rainbow Dash looked down. "…and then Celestia and the gang came, carted me off home, and erased all evidence I was ever there."
"Wait, what!? "
Rainbow Dash scratched her neck. "She might have also erased his memories of me. I never could get a straight answer about that…"
There were many directions Obama was expecting this to take, and that was not one of them. He grasped. Might as well try to advance his other agenda. "And… you wouldn't happen to have any grudge against Celestia for this, would you?"
"What? No!" Rainbow Dash said, confused. "Why would you even ask that?"
"Oh, no reason," Obama lied. He tried to redirect the conversation. "So, what are your opinions on Scootaloo?"
"…uh, what?"
"Just… just wondering." He adjusted his lapel.
Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes, staring right at the recording device. Obama was getting worried, but then she casually leaned back and smiled. "Oh, her? I just keep her around to abuse. Why, just last week, I used her to keep score at Rarity's weekly orgy. It was hilarious. And of course, no one can touch me, since I'm an Element of Harmony."
Obama gaped. "Wha—"
"Oh, look at the time!" Rainbow Dash said, drawing a clock on the wall. "I have to get to work! Bye!"
"What do you mean keep sc—"
Rainbow Dash pushed Obama outside, slammed the door, and leaned against it.
"A grudge…?" she muttered.
– – – –
The tape stopped. Mayor Mare and Scootaloo mouths hung open in horror.
"I can't believe she said that!" Mayor Mare said, horrified.
"I can!" Scootaloo said, which scared her even more.
"This is perfect, isn't it?" Obama said, the only happy one. "With this, even your courts will have no choice but to get at least a restraining order!"
"I don't know," Scootaloo said. "It seems too perfect."
"Don't be so pessimistic!" Obama said. "Things are looking up for you!"
"I guess so." Scootaloo slowly walked upstairs.
Obama and Mayor Mare awkwardly stared at each other until Mayor Mare broke the silence.
"Oh, I almost forgot," she said. "This whole mess has put us a bit behind schedule. Could you look through and approve those building requests?"
"Sure thing," Obama said.
He went to his desk, only to be greeted by a pile of papers almost as tall as he was. He sighed, and started sifting through them.
"The Great and Thrifty Trixie Motel? Sounds good to me…"
He totally approved it.
– – – –
Rainbow Dash subtly looked out of her window. He was gone now. She was sure of it.
She could finally drop the act.
Now confident in her privacy, Rainbow Dash trotted towards a picture frame on her wall. She grabbed it, rotated it slightly, and lifted it off. Behind it was a slight indentation with a tattered looking scrapbook in it. She took it out, opened it up, and stared at a picture of her and a human man. Next to it was a picture of Celestia.
"You took him away."
She held up the picture of Celestia.
"You… took him… away."
Tears started to well.
"YOU TOOK HIM AWAY!"
She threw it against the wall , and it pathetically fluttered to the ground. She collapsed to the floor, sobbing.
"Y–You… you… took h–him… away… from me…"
She glared at the picture.
"I'll destroy you… if it's the last thing I do…"
Obama stared. "What?"
"Harder. I said harder," Rarity smirked. "You know I can handle it."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure! Just do it."
Obama put all of his pent-up frustration and anger into throwing the baseball as hard as he could. He fully intended to injure Rarity, but unfortunately, she was oddly skilled at baseball and hit yet another home run.
"Yes! Another point for the pony team!"
"Since when were you so good at baseball?" Applejack asked, staring at the flying ball in awe.
"Oh, I just figured if I can hit a home run in the bedroom, I should be able to hit one out of the bedroom, too," Rarity said, creeping everyone out. "Besides, look at who we're up against."
"You guys are so cheating!" Sweetie Belle said. "You put all of us kids and the human on one team! We don't even have enough people to cover all the bases!"
"Come on, just use your robot powers to win!" Scootaloo said.
Sweetie Belle fumed. "For the last time, I'm not—"
"Come on!" Apple Bloom whispered, pulling Sweetie Belle aside. "She finally got that restraining order for Rainbow Dash! She's wanted that since, like, she was four! Let her have her fun."
"I guess…" Sweetie Belle said, feeling all guilty now.
Rainbow Dash was, of course, obnoxiously sitting on a cloud right outside the limits of the restraining order. She waved at everyone.
"Hey!" The gang turned around. "Get ready, guys!" Twilight stood at home base, holding a baseball bat with telepathy.
Sweetie Belle panicked. "No! Not the magic user! Oh god, this is going to be horrible! Take cover! Take cover! " she screamed while running around everywhere.
"Try not to blow up anything this time," Obama said.
"I'll try," Twilight said unconvincingly.
Obama chucked the baseball at her. With a bright spark of light she sent the baseball flying… right at Obama's face. He hit the ground with a thud.
"Are you okay!?" Rarity yelled, running up to him.
"You stay the hell away from me!" he screamed. Rarity uneasily kept her distance. Obama started to get up, but then noticed what looked like a message burned into the ball. He held it up to his face.
"Obama," Obama read to himself. "I want to speak with you. I'm sure you have a lot of questions, and I have a lot of questions for you, too. Please meet me tomorrow at the OV Club at noon. –Twilight"
Then the message faded away.
"What's wrong?" Applejack said.
"Oh, nothing," Obama lied. He stood up, dusting himself off, and smiled. "Nothing at all."
– – – –
Once inside the club, Obama had to cover his ears. The music was deafening. He looked around for Twilight, but to no avail. It was absurdly crowded, and there were ponies grinding on each other everywhere. Was this even the right place? Why would Twilight even be going to a place like this?
Then, the music became quiet, and Obama took his hands off his ears. He could hardly hear anything now, except for one voice.
"This way," Twilight's voice said.
He followed the sound until he found Twilight at a small table. He pulled up a chair and sat down across from her.
He decided to get the most obvious question out of the way first. "Why are we meeting at a place like this?"
"I figured this should be a private conversation," Twilight said. "You never know when you're being listened to around here. But at this place, the DJ is so awful…"
Vinyl Scratch screamed "AW YEAH! IT'S EPIC WUB TIME!" from behind the DJ stand.
"…you couldn't hear anyone over the music even if you wanted to, and the crowd is too thick to lip read. So with a simple selective hearing spell…"
"You can talk privately."
"Exactly," Twilight said. "Start walking around randomly. We will be able to hear each other no matter where we go in this building, and seeing the two of us together will arouse suspicion."
"Understood."
Obama stood up and started walking around.
"So what did you want to talk about?" he said.
"What you said when we were alone the other day," Twilight said. "About creating a new world."
"What about it?"
"Tell me. Are you planning on overthrowing Celestia?"
Obama paused. If he said yes, would she turn him in? If he said no, would she turn him in? Wait, why would she turn him in if he said no? He needed to settle for a compromise, just like back home.
"Yemaybeno," Obama said.
Obama didn't think good under pressure.
"You can trust me," Twilight said. "I'm… still trying to make up my mind about whose side to be on."
Obama decided to be honest. "Yes. I am."
"What makes you think you'd be a better leader than Celestia?"
"Nothing," Obama said. "I'm not planning on replacing her."
"What?"
"I want to institute a democracy," Obama said. "A type of government where the people decide what happens."
"Obama, I know what a democracy is."
"Do you?" Obama said. "A democracy is freedom. Do you know what freedom tastes like?"
"I…"
"Let me show you and the other oppressed citizens of Equestria what freedom tastes like!"
Twilight started sounding worried. "What are you talking about?"
Obama started wondering if he had taken his metaphor too far. "Well, I mean, you won't actually be eating freedom…"
"I didn't do it!"
"What?"
Someone else must have been talking to her. Obama stood still and tried to listen as best as he could.
"Do you know who I am? I'm Princess Celestia's personal protégé! You think I'm going around murdering people?"
Murder?
"My taste in clubs is irrelevant to that! I haven't done anything wrong, so you can't… what's that? You… no, you aren't… that's insane! You're insane! Get off! Help! Someone, help! O—"
Suddenly, with a snap, the music started blasting through Obama's eardrums and he could no longer hear Twilight. He looked around. She was nowhere to be seen amongst the grinding ponies.
"Twilight!" he yelled as he pushed through the crowd. "Twilight! Are you here!? Twilight! Where are you!?"
"TWILIGHT!"
Obama burst outside the club and looked around. There was no trace of her. Where could they have taken her!?
"Heya there, Obama!" a voice said. Obama turned around. It was Applejack. "Say, have you gotten over Rarity molesting you and completely destroying your manhood yet? Just curious. Too soon? Tell me."
"Twilight! Have you seen Twilight!?" he said, grabbing Applejack's shoulders.
"No, why?" Applejack said, bewildered.
"I just heard her get taken away by someone! And they said something about her committing murder! "
"Say what now!?" Applejack yelled, then started running off. "There's only one place she could be if they were talking about murder! The police station! Here, hop on!"
Obama started to move, then stopped dead in his tracks. "I… what?"
"This is no time to be bashful! Get on! You can ride me to the police station! It'll be faster that way!"
Obama started getting all post traumatic stress disorder on her. "No… I don't want a whip…"
Applejack looked annoyed. "What, didn't my counseling get that all out of you?"
"No! I'll… I'll just follow you, okay!?"
"Fine! Just run fast!"
– – – – –
Obama ran fast, which left him a wheezing mess when they reached the police station. Unfortunately, once there, the gang encountered another problem.
"You won't let us in!?" Rainbow Dash yelled. "Our friend was arrested and we can't even visit her!?"
"Sorry," the guard said. "You can't see her until everything's calmed down."
"And when will that be?"
"After the verdict."
Rainbow Dash started to attack, but Applejack held her back.
"What do we do?" Obama said.
Fluttershy walked up to the guard and whispered something into his ear. He froze.
"W-Well… that…" he said. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt to let you visit her for a little bit…"
"All right!" Rainbow Dash yelled. She fluttered over to Fluttershy. "What did you say to him?"
Fluttershy said she threatened to incinerate his testicles if he didn't cooperate.
"Right on, man!" Rainbow Dash said, hoof bumping Fluttershy. "Let's go in!"
Once inside, they found a room with a glass pane dividing it in half. On the other side was Twilight.
"Guys!" she said. "You came!"
"Of course we did, sugarcube," Applejack said. "What happened?"
"I was in the OV Club…"
"Hold up! What were you doing in a dump like that!?"
Twilight panicked. "I, uh, like their music?"
They all stared at Twilight.
"I think we all know that's a lie," Applejack said. "What were you really doing there?"
"I… well…"
Obama tried to save her. "I invited her there. I was curious about their catering."
Silence.
"That makes even less sense!" Applejack yelled.
"Just drop it, the reason isn't important," Rarity said. "I bet she was just hiring a male prostitute or something."
"What!? No, I'm not you , Rarity!"
"I'm trying to save you here, Twilight!" Rarity whispered as loudly as possible.
"Anyway," Twilight said, with much irritation, "I was in there when a bunch of police officers came up to me and said I was responsible for the murder of the previous community organizer."
"You mean the woman I replaced?" Obama said
"Mare, yes," Twilight corrected, automatically.
"But they need evidence to arrest you, right?" Applejack said. "What evidence could they possibly have?"
"And that's where this story gets stupid ," Twilight said. "They found a bloody knife in a pile of my vomit. They're saying I murdered the previous community organizer and then ate the evidence." She fumed for a bit. "I mean, what the hell. Doesn't it make more sense that some moron put that knife there afterwards!? "
Fluttershy coughed.
"Knives are tasty," Pinkie Pie grated, coughing up a razor blade.
"The only thing that can free me is…" Twilight paused, putting her hoof on her head. "…testimony describing my vomit, specifically the absence of a knife coming out of my mouth."
"Well, that's easy!" Rainbow Dash said. "We were all there!"
"…and they won't accept testimony from you all, since you're my friends. That's right. We need an unbiased third-party to describe my vomit."
Everyone gaped.
"How come it took an act of god to get just a restraining order for Rainbow Dash, but they're able to hold you on such flimsy evidence!?" Obama said.
"Oh, it's probably because she's straight," Rainbow Dash said.
"What?" Obama said. "Seriously?"
"Well, I do have to pay 5% more sales tax for being publicly straight," Twilight said, scratching the glass in irritation. "It wouldn't surprise me if it made me more suspicious in court, too."
"That's absurd! I'm straight!" Obama flailed his arms around, as if he was trying to make a point, but could not quite decide what it was. "Does that make me more suspicious!?"
Everyone backed away from Obama.
"Oh, come on!" he said.
"But who can we get to describe Twilight's vomit?" Applejack said, trying to change the subject. "Who else was there? That was when we were talking about the whole Celestia ran out of stallions thing, right?"
"I think I saw Bright Eyes there!" Pinkie Pie said.
"Who?"
"You know! Ditzy Do! Derpy!"
Rarity rolled her eyes. "Oh, that basket case."
Twilight groaned. "You're going to have to narrow it down more than that."
"Oh, you know. Gray pegasus, blonde hair, googly eyes," Rarity said. "Dropped all those packages on you, remember? She keeps trying to break into my house and steal my man! She's such a bitch!"
"Like, bitch bitch, or Trixie bitch?" Twilight said.
"Bitch bitch. No one is Trixie bitch," Rarity said, one of the few things her and Twilight could agree on.
Obama felt a sinking feeling for some reason.
"Anyways, does anyone know where Derp— Ditz— wassername lives?" Applejack said, trying to pull things back on subject.
"Oh! I know! I know!" Pinkie Pie said, running off. "Follow me!"
Everyone else followed.
"We'll get you out of here," Applejack said to Twilight.
Twilight nodded.
– – – –
"You sure you know where her house is!?" Applejack yelled at Pinkie Pie.
"Sure do!" Pinkie Pie said. "If I remember right, it's right—"
Pinkie Pie, and a couple seconds later, everyone else, crashed against a large wall.
"What the hay!?" Applejack said, rubbing her head. "I don't remember that being here before!"
Rarity looked up. "Oh… oh god…"
"What? What is it!?"
"Look at the sign…"
Everyone looked at the sign on the giant building they just hit.
"The Great and Thrifty Trixie Motel!?" Rainbow Dash yelled. "What kind of moron would approve that!?"
Obama gulped.
"What!? You were the one that approved that… Trixie hellhole!?" Rainbow Dash yelled. "Her bitchiness is literally known across Equestria!"
"Well then that makes sense, because I have no way of knowing who this Trixie character is!" Obama yelled back. "I've only been here for three days, remember!"
"Enough time, I think, to hear of the great and powerful Trixie!"
Rarity got queasy. "Oh no…"
Trixie emerged from the inside of the motel. "What's up, losers?"
"How did you even get a hotel built this fast!?" Rainbow Dash yelled.
"Slave labor, magic," Trixie replied. "And help from a certain special someone."
Obama's spine tingled.
"What's wrong?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"I…" Obama said. "I just got a really bad premonition…"
Suddenly the gold plated automatic doors of the motel swung open. Light from really tacky bling reflected everywhere and briefly blinded everyone. With heavy footsteps that made loud coin jangling sounds, someone slowly walked towards the gang.
Someone horrifying.
Someone absurdly rich.
On TV, at least.
Obama stepped back in horror. "Oh dear god," he said.
"What?" Applejack said. "What's wrong? Who is that?"
"It's… it's…" Obama stammered.
"Well?"
"It's the… the…"
"Spit it out!"
"…THE DONALD!"
And suddenly, next to Trixie, stood Donald Trump.
"The who? " Applejack said, scratching her head.
"What?" The Donald whispered to Trixie. "They don't know who I am?"
Trixie rolled her eyes. "Well, your bitchiness is known across all humans, and mine is known across all ponies. I think it's fair."
"You! You! " Obama yelled, pointing at The Donald. "You single-handedly ruined the American economy!"
"Single-handedly?" The Donald laughed boisterously, making sure to hold onto his toupee. "Come on, I wasn't the only guy who—"
"If you hadn't taken out that loan with -1240% interest, none of that would've happened and you know it!"
The Donald smiled. "It was their fault for letting me take it."
"And you were $3 billion in debt with a tenth of the money to pay it back!"
The Donald fumed. "You bastard! I'm worth over 9000 times that! I'll sue you! Five billion dollars! Right here!"
Trixie started filing her hooves. "We use bits here, not dollars."
"5 billion bits!"
"The conversion rate is about half a cent to one bit. Human overpopulation, remember?"
"90 billion bits!"
"And the courts here aren't stupid, they would never accept that lawsuit." Trixie pulled her hat down. "Trust me. I've tried."
The Donald stared at Obama. "I'll punch you!"
"Anyone care to explain who this jerk is!?" Applejack yelled, speaking for everyone else's confusion.
"He's… he's…" Obama looked around, searching for an apt metaphor. How could he explain such greed and corruption to these innocent ponies? Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Rarity wink at him, and it came to him. "…the Rarity of our world."
Everyone else nodded in understanding. "Say no more," Applejack said.
"Hey!" Rarity yelled. "What does that mean!?"
Applejack put her hoof on Obama's shoulder. "Don't worry, I know how much it bothers you to talk about these things," she said.
There was an awkward silence. The gears turned in Obama's head, until finally…
"NO, WAIT, I DON'T MEAN THAT HE RAPED ME!"
"It's okay!" Rainbow Dash said. "We've all been through it, thanks to someone. " She glared at Rarity.
Rarity did creepy things with her eyebrows.
Obama put his hand on his face. "No, I'm serious! I don't even want to think about it!"
"Then, wait, who is this guy?" Applejack said. "I don't get it anymore."
Obama groaned.
Trixie nudged The Donald. "Care to explain?"
"Sure thing!"
They both started to inhale.
"Oh! Cool! A musical number!" Pinkie Pie yelled. "And a one, and a two, and a three…"
"Wait, WHAT!?" Obama screamed.
Trixie and The Donald sung an epic musical number about money that hopefully some pathetic fan will be bored enough to animate.
Everyone's mouth hung open in shock at its sheer audacity. Obama laid on the ground in the fetal position, crying.
"…and that's who my partner, Donald Trump, is!" Trixie yelled from the top of the giant spinning check. Behind her, fireworks exploded, painting the sky with giant green dollar signs.
The Donald nudged her. "The Donald ," he stage whispered.
"No one wants to call you that and you know it," Trixie snapped back. She looked down at the gang. "So, what do you fools want?"
"I…" Obama said. "I forgot…"
"Oh, don't worry, Twilight taught me this great trick for that," Rainbow Dash said. She looked at her wrist. "Talk… to… Derpy," she read. "Oh yeah, we were looking for Derpy! She used to live here!"
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER!?" Pinkie Pie screamed.
"Oh, that retarded pegasus?" Trixie said. "We demolished her house and sent her to the Griffon Kingdom."
"WHAT!?" Applejack yelled.
The Donald leaned over to Trixie. "How is that legal, but I can't sue someone for a billion bits?"
"Just go along with it," Trixie replied. "And you have clearly not met Princess Celestia."
"Do you realize what you've done!?" Rainbow Dash yelled, flying up to Trixie's face. "Twilight could be living a life in jail thanks to you!"
"And I should care because…?" Trixie said. "I despise her. And with her gone, who knows? The Element of Magic could go to me, the Great and Powerful Trixie!"
"Yeah, when Luna rules Equestria," Applejack scoffed.
Suddenly, a window broke, and a mare screamed loudly.
"What was that!?" Applejack said.
"Did someone walk in on a passionate couple!?" Rarity yelled.
Everyone stared at her.
"And then jumped out of a window!? " Applejack yelled back.
Rarity twirled her hair, clearly nostalgic. "Love makes you do strange things," she said.
Obama shuddered.
Trixie hopped on the ground and started running into the motel. "Okay, Trump, we need to make sure someone didn't get murdered or something!" she yelled.
"But what about the scandal?" The Donald said.
Trixie rolled her eyes. "We need to see the scandal before we exploit it!"
"Oh, right," he said. He ran after her, and Obama and the gang followed. Eventually they reached an open door with a terrified looking maid in front of it.
"What happened!?" Trixie yelled.
"Someone was ransacking the room!" the maid said. "They jumped out the window after I screamed!"
Trixie looked confused. "Ransacked it for what? There aren't even any guests in here yet." Yet, lo and behold, the room was in shambles.
"Who could have done this?" Obama said as everyone spread out across the room.
Rainbow Dash, who was at the kitchen sink, gasped. "Oh my Celestia!" she said. "The strainer and overflow prevention device are missing! You can't get those off without a specialized screwdriver made by the sink manufacturer! This was an expert job! "
Everyone stared at Rainbow Dash.
"How do you know so much about sinks?" Rarity asked.
"Oh, uh, when I was in the human world, I had to do pretty much all the plumbing," Rainbow Dash said, laughing. "Also, thanks to one of Celestia's more dickish 'magic assignments'…" she muttered to herself, blushing.
"They also took the mop, the soap, the metal rims on the medicine cabinet, and the soccer ball," Trixie said, closing the closet.
"Your motel rooms come with a soccer ball?" Rainbow Dash said.
"Well, there have to be some perks if I want any customers. Everyone hates us, remember?" Trixie replied.
"Well, that's just silly!" Pinkie Pie said. "I have soccer balls stashed all across town in case of soccer ball emergencies!"
"Pinkie Pie," Rarity groaned, "why do you even bother stashing things around town when you have, like, access to subspace or something?"
Pinkie Pie thought about it. "Good question," she said.
"So let me get this straight," Applejack said. "Our mystery thief broke in here, ransacked the room looking for valuables, and took… a hard to remove sink strainer, a mop, soap, metal rims, and a soccer ball."
"That's right," Trixie said.
"Anyone who tries to steal from The Donald can't be too smart anyway, so I'm not shocked by this at all," The Donald said.
"What could they possibly be doing with all that crap!?" Applejack yelled.
"Oh, and one more thing," Rainbow Dash said, pointing at the floor. "They left a trail."
Everyone gathered around a dark splotchy trail left on the carpet. Rarity leaned over and sniffed it. "What is this? Oil?"
Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. "Some expensive brands of Equestrian sinks, the kind trashy rich bimbos get…" She made sure to glare at Trixie and The Donald. "…have automated soap dispensers that are powered by oil. So that means this trail will lead us to our culprit." Rainbow Dash smiled. "And I have a pretty good idea who it is."
"You do!?" Applejack said.
"That's right," Rainbow Dash replied. "Look at the oil splotches. If someone was running away in a straight line after they had been spotted, there's no way it would be this splotchy. I mean, look." She pointed at the wall. "Some even got on the wall. So, the only logical explanation is that the culprit wasn't running away… they were flying away."
"So it's a pegasus," The Donald said, eager to demonstrate his knowledge of the local lingo.
"And not just any pegasus," Rainbow Dash said. "This is a pegasus who can, despite flying outside in a straight line, with almost no obstacles, still manage to get crap everywhere. Who comes to mind with that description?"
"DERPY!" everyone said.
"Yep," Rainbow Dash said. "So if we follow the trail, we will find Derpy." Rainbow Dash put her hoof on her chin. "This is merely supposition, but I imagine her motive was that after getting her house torn down by Trixie, she wanted to get revenge somehow, and broke in here to steal these random items as a distraction for some more nefarious plan… but as for what that could be, I have no idea…"
Applejack gaped, as did everyone else. "Rainbow Dash…?"
"Yeah?"
Applejack scratched her head. "Since when were you so smart?"
Rainbow Dash panicked. "Oh, uh!" She looked around. "Pinkie Pie! Sunglasses!" Pinkie Pie tossed a pair of sunglasses to Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. "Looks like this sink…" She put the sunglasses on. "…just got unclogged."
"YEAH!" Applejack said, patting Rainbow Dash in the back. "That's the Rainbow Dash we all know and love!"
"Yeah…" Rainbow Dash said, a bit insulted.
"Time to follow that oil trail!" Applejack said. "Let's go!"
They all ran off.
"Exactly as planned," Trixie said.
After following the trail for a bit, the gang ended up in front of the Everfree forest.
"Of course," Rarity sighed. "Where else would it lead?"
"Come on, let's get in there," Applejack said.
And so they did.
"Okay y'all," Applejack said with her authority as the only one in the group familiar with outdoors life. "You know how dangerous this forest is. Make sure, whatever you do, you don't go off the pathway."
They walked a couple of feet forward and the oil trail veered off the path.
"Celestiadammit."
"What do we do now?" Obama said.
"I fly ahead and see what's at the end of the trail, of course!" Rainbow Dash said, starting to fly off.
"No!" Applejack yelled. "We stay together! You remember what happened last time we split up!"
Rainbow Dash scratched her head. "That spider with the eyepatches?"
Applejack pulled her hat down. "You had to spend a day with Pinkie Pie."
Rainbow Dash shuddered. "Okay, I get it, I get it! I'm sticking with you guys!"
They started to follow the oil trail deep into the forest. Things quickly became pitch black.
"Be careful, guys," Applejack said. "We wouldn't want to injure ourselves here in the middle of nowhere."
Rarity yelped in pain.
Applejack groaned. "What did you get into this time, Rarity?"
"A twig!" she screamed. "It's a twig!"
Everyone stared in confusion.
"Do you know how many germs are on twigs?" Rarity said. "Also it cut me. I'm bleeding."
"Oh, it can't be that bad," Rainbow Dash said. She walked over to Rarity. She had cut part of her cutie mark, making it look like the sickest tattoo ever. "See? It's nothing."
Fluttershy drank some of it.
"Well, if Fluttershy thinks it's healthy enough to drink, it can't be too bad," Rarity said. "Let's do this!"
Almost on cue, the gang saw a clearing.
Of course, once they reached that clearing, they saw that the oil trail went across a rickety old log stretched across a 100 foot deep cliff.
"Are you sure I can't just fly ahead?" Rainbow Dash said.
"No," Applejack said. "We have to stay together. "
They crossed the log, nearly killing themselves in the process. As Rarity crossed, Fluttershy hit the log, making her fall to the bottom. It was okay, though, because Rainbow Dash swooped down and saved Rarity.
"Oh, Rainbow Dash," Rarity purred, "you're my knight in shining armor."
"No," Rainbow Dash said, trying to ignore a sensation that felt suspiciously like Rarity groping her, "that's Twilight's brother."
"He's okay too."
They landed.
Fluttershy apologized.
"It's okay," Rarity said. "We know how things get sometimes."
While everyone else tried to figure out what Rarity meant by "we," "things," and "get," Obama clapped his hands together. "See? Look. Teamwork!"
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Us trying to kill each other is teamwork?"
Obama looked confused. "Of course it is," he said. "What is it in your country?"
Applejack stopped. "Er."
"It's when we all say we love each other and then nuke things with rainbow friendship death rays!" Pinkie Pie chimed in.
Applejack almost objected, but she couldn't think of anything better. "Yeah, that's actually pretty close."
Obama smiled and scratched his chin. "Interesting," he said slowly, making a mental note to investigate these rainbow friendship death rays.
As usual, though, without any electronic assistance, he promptly forgot.
"So, how much longer do you think we've got, ponies?" he said, waving himself with the jacket of his suit and exciting Rarity far too much for his own good.
"I don't know," Applejack said, testing the the rocky ground in front of her for stability. "Rainbow. How much oil is in that sink?"
"We've already seen way more than I thought there was," Rainbow Dash said.
"Right," Applejack said. She turned back to Obama. "We're screwed."
"I heard."
Fluttershy made some joke about his ears, but it wasn't racist because it was Fluttershy.
Pinkie Pie bounced up to him. "So?"
"So what?"
"How do you like it here so far?"
"What?"
"Just making small talk."
Obama hesitated. "It's great," he said. "Except for the rape, of course."
"Of course."
There was an uncomfortable silence.
Pinkie Pie edged in a bit closer, while bouncing. "Was it Rarity or Celestia?"
"What?"
"Come on, tell me."
"I thought you knew. I thought everyone knew. I thought the whole damn town knew."
"You sound awfully bitter."
"Of course I'm bitter! I was raped! "
The gang stopped and stared at him.
"Nothing to see here," he said, irritated. "Carry on, carry on." When everyone was at least pretending to ignore him, he continued. "…Rarity. It was Rarity."
"Knew it! You know, it's really not that big of a deal. In…"
"Not that big of a deal? Not that big of a deal!? " Obama yelled, diverting attention to himself again. "I cheated on my wife with a horse and it's not that big of a deal!? "
Rainbow Dash did a loop-de-loop. Pensively. "Actually, from what I read about politics in your world, that wouldn't actually be that un…"
Obama shot her a death glare almost as intense as the one that finally got Obamacare passed.
"…nevermind."
Applejack shrugged. "Well, down here, everyone cheats on their spouses with horses all the time."
Pinkie Pie gasped. "Applejack! You SICK, DEPRAVED oh wait we are horses."
"It's not creepy because we can consent," Rarity suggested. She did a creepy thing with her eyebrows.
Fluttershy said she liked her sex like she liked her men, black and blue and begging for mercy.
"You go, girl!" Rarity said, and they clopped their hooves together. That may or may not have entailed exactly what you thought it did.
"Look, that is not the problem here," Obama said, then reconsidered. "Okay, it is a very large part of the problem, but it is not the problem."
"Oh, come on! You'd be fine with this if I was a human woman."
"No, no I would not," Obama said. "That's Clinton shit."
"Look, ladies, can we at least hike and argue at the same time!?" Applejack yelled "Celestiadamn …"
Everyone else shut up and trudged up the hill some more. Rarity and Obama continued to grumble at each other the whole trip. Rarity insisted it was building sexual tension between them, but Obama didn't believe a word of it.
Finally, they reached the top, and were greeted by a giant cave.
"Great!" Applejack said. "Now what?"
Rainbow Dash sniffed the ground. "The trail's getting thinner. Maybe it'll pick up later, but I can't tell whether she went in the cave or not."
Applejack was a bit stupefied. "You can track the oil by scent? Just how much do you know about kitchen sinks?"
Rainbow Dash suddenly became flustered. "Oh, nothing! Nothing! It's not like I had intercourse with one or anything…"
Full stop.
"Why would you even say that?" Rarity said, narrowing her eyes.
Rainbow Dash gaped and sweat (sweated? swat?) profusely. Luckily, Pinkie Pie came to her rescue.
"Don't worry, Dashie's telling the truth!" she said. "Twilight stopped her before it got that far."
Applejack blinked. "What."
"After Celestia finished laughing, though, which took about 10 minutes, and that was long enough for Rainbow to put on the…"
Rainbow Dash quickly covered her mouth. "Well, that's enough of that , isn't it!? Let's go in that cave."
They did.
It was pitch black.
"It's pitch black," Rainbow Dash said, astutely.
"You are likely to be eaten by a grue," Pinkie Pie said, automatically.
Rarity quickly put an end to that. "Here, darling," she said, lighting her horn. "Light."
It was a very large, empty, respectable cave. The air tasted old somehow, as if it was some kind of time capsule. The place was completely featureless except for…
"Tally marks," Rainbow Dash said in amazement, looking at the wall.
Hundreds and hundreds of meticulously carved tally marks adorned every wall and ceiling of the cave, and were beginning to spill onto the floor.
"This is… ominous," Applejack said.
"What do you think they're counting?" Rainbow Dash said.
"I don't know," Rarity said, "but look at them. Look at how perfect they are. These aren't just any tally marks. They were carved with magic , and way stronger and precise magic than mine."
Rainbow Dash couldn't stop herself. "Celestia…?"
"Or Luna. Or both," Applejack said, examining some others more closely. "Some of them look a bit different."
"Why would the alicorn rulers carve this many tally marks in an old cave?" Obama said.
Fluttershy said it was to remember the ponies they crushed under their godly hooves.
"I doubt it," Rainbow Dash said, too fascinated to react. "If that was the case, I think all of Equestria would be covered in tally marks. It would be something that happened less often… or had to happen less often…"
"Well, regardless, Derpy ain't here," Applejack said, patting her hat. "Let's go the other way. You know the way, right Rainbow?"
"Yeah, sure," Rainbow Dash said, slowly fluttering out.
On the way out, Obama bumped into Rarity.
Rarity's heart fluttered, among other things.
"Oh. Oh my. I have to go," she said, and teleported away, taking away all the light.
"No, wait!" Applejack screamed, and then froze. She looked around herself uneasily.
"What? What is it?" Rainbow Dash said.
Applejack blinked, although no one could see that in the darkness. "Well, for one, I didn't know Rarity could teleport."
Pinkie Pie piped in. "Twilight taught her! She seemed really excited at the possibility of Rarity having another way of not being around her!"
Rainbow Dash paused. "And? For two?"
"I thought that if this cave was built by Celestia, there'd be booby-traps. I mean, the whole mountain could've exploded if we did anything weird, and we'd have to start from scratch again." She took a breath. "Looks like I was wrong."
The gang slowly shuffled out, bumping into every combination of the walls and each other as they could.
Everyone except Pinkie Pie, that is. She stood completely still, pale as a sheet.
"That… many…?"
– – – –
After a while, the oil trail started getting sparser and sparser, until finally it seemed they would not be able to follow it at all.
"This is it," Applejack said. "This is either the end of the line or our only hope." They pushed through a thick bush, praying for the best.
It turned out to be a bit both.
They saw a bright clearing with giant, rickety, homemade cannon in the center. Ditzy (or was it Derpy?) was sitting next to it.
"Oh, bollocks," she said in a distinctly British accent.
Everyone stopped dead in their tracks.
"Er," Applejack said. "What."
"Oh, bollocks," Ditzy repeated. "Is that too vulgar for you? Bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks."
"No, I… I just… Derpy? You're British? "
"Dr. Do."
"What?"
"That's my name. Call me Dr. Do."
"Wait, but what's your…"
"Ditzy. My name is Ditzy Do. Rarity just decided to start calling me Derpy because she's scum. "
The rest of the gang nodded. Sounded about right.
"But I thought you were…"
"In the Griffon Kingdom? Nope, that was a lie. Do you really think Trixie has that kind of swing?"
"But The Donald…"
"He's her bitch and you know it."
"What's even happening!?" Rainbow Dash yelled. "Are you going postal? Being a mailmare finally getting to you? Is it altitude sickness? Tell me if it's altitude sickness. I've got pills for that." Rainbow Dash scratched her head. "That doesn't explain the cannon, though…"
"No!" Ditzy snapped. "I'm not a mailmare, and that's part of it!" She looked up proudly. "You probably don't know this, but I am a respected theoretical physicist!"
"You?" Obama said.
"So, what's wrong with that? Is it because my eyes? Do people have to have perfect eyesight to be smart now?" Ditzy snapped. "See, this is why I'm doing this. I don't belong here. None of you belong here." She stared at Obama. "You, especially, don't belong here."
"What does that mean?" Obama said.
"Oh, I know about you," she said. "Don't tell me your life dream is to live in a world of colorful talking ponies. You've got a lot to return home to." She started walking up to him. "And I'm…"
Step.
"…going to…"
Step.
"…make it…"
Step.
"…so none of this ever happens."
Obama gulped.
"Just what are you planning!?" Rainbow Dash yelled, now in Ditzy's face.
"Just fixing this travesty of a world," Ditzy said. "Don't tell me you haven't felt it. That if something was changed, your life might be completely different—and better. Think about it, Rainbow Dash." She smiled. "If you hadn't left this world, you would never be in the state you are now…"
Rainbow Dash gasped. "How do you know about that!? Who told you about that!?"
"You did. I thought I made it clear," Ditzy said, "that this isn't the only version of this world. Something got changed, long ago, and I'm going to change it back." Ditzy gestured to the cannon. "Just let me get in there, and I can set everything right."
"No, wait!" Rainbow Dash said. "We need ask you something! You remember when we were in front of town hall, and Twilight started vomiting…"
"Can't you see!?" Ditzy yelled. "None of that was supposed to happen! None of this is supposed to happen! I'm going to fix all this up, and you won't even need to ask me about your stupid vomiting friends! I'm going to make everything right again!"
Obama wasn't sure what on earth she was talking about, but he was beginning to get the gist of it, and he didn't like it. It was time, for the third time in his life, to take a stand, political ramifications be damned. "No."
Ditzy stopped. She looked around, trying to see who said that. "What?"
"I said no," Obama said, stepping up. "I can't let you do that. If you're planning on erasing all of this, I can't let you. Being torn from my world wasn't pleasant, I will admit, but…" It made it significant easier that Rarity wasn't there. "…it hasn't all been bad." Besides, he had plans for this world.
"Yeah," Rainbow Dash said. "Der—" She hesitated. "Dit—" She hesitated again. "Dr. Do, come down and we can…"
Ditzy's eyes raged with madness. "NO! This isn't right! None of this is right! You aren't supposed to be here, I'm not supposed to be here, and you're saying I have to sit back and take that?" she screamed. "I had a job! A lover! Respect! I didn't have to listen to morons like you! And you want me to sit back and do nothing because I've got to take what I'm given!? NO!" Suddenly, wildly, she smiled and started laughing. "And it's not like any of you can stop me anyways."
"Like hell we can't!" Rainbow Dash fumed, stomping the ground.
Before anyone could move, Ditzy hopped inside the cannon. "Why do you think I intentionally left that oil trail and had Trixie tell you I was in the Griffon Kingdom?" She snickered. "To lure you away from my target."
"What?"
The cannon exploded and Derpy flew out. She extended her wings and flew as fast as she could.
– – – –
Rarity washed her hooves and looked outside her window. She saw something in the distance. She got closer and squinted. It was approaching quicker and quicker and it was… gray and yellow. She sighed. Derpy. Or Dr. Do or whatever she wanted people to call her. It was her again. What was she going to do about it this time?
Rarity paused. She looked at her baseball bat. Then at the rocketing Ditzy. Then at her baseball bat. Then at Ditzy.
The decision made itself.
Ditzy continued approaching the house at terminal velocity until she got close enough to see what Rarity was doing. Then, she started trying to stop as quickly as possible while screaming "FFFUUUU—"
But it was too late.
When Ditzy broke through the window, Rarity swung the bat with all her might and sent Ditzy careening in the direction she came with double the speed. Ditzy futilely screamed and flailed around, trying to slow down, but now that she was going at escape velocity, there was only one thing that could stop her. A cliff face. Like the one right in front of her.
The last thing Ditzy could remember was a loud crunch sound, and many falling rocks.
– – – –
"Uugghh…" Ditzy groaned. Every part of her body hurt, but at least she was still alive. Somehow.
Slowly, groggily, she opened her eyes. She appeared to be in some type of… party hall. She started to examine her surroundings in more detail, but was stopped by a sharp pain in her abdomen. At first, she thought she had punctured a lung, until she realized, to her utter horror, that it felt more like something living was inside her, moving , occasionally stopping to adjust organs in her body. Something… not natural.
Ditzy mentally braced herself for the unthinkable.
Then Pinkie Pie came out of her.
"AAAAAGH!" Ditzy screamed. "AH! AH! AH!"
"I got her heart beating again!" Pinkie Pie beamed. "And made some improvements." Pinkie Pie winked at Ditzy.
Ditzy stared at Pinkie Pie, confused. Slowly, she began to notice that she could see a lot clearer than before. For the first time in her life, she could see every edge of every object as clear as day. The doctors had told Ditzy that her eye condition was incurable! She looked around, mesmerized by her new ability, until she rested her eyes on the gang and realized something was wrong.
Ditzy was pretty sure she knew the answer, but asked anyway. "Is it… normal to be able to see a pony's internal organs through their skin?"
"What did you do to her!?" Applejack asked Pinkie Pie, who kept laughing. She leaned in to Derpy's face. "Are those pentagrams in her eyeballs!? What are those little line thingies!?"
No, this was not good. Ditzy shuddered, thinking about what else Pinkie Pie could've changed.
"Anyway, let's get to the important part," Obama said. "Three days ago, do you remember the composition of Twilight's vomit?"
Ditzy stared. "Excuse me?" she said.
"Three days ago, weren't you there when Twilight was vomiting into a flower patch? Your testimony is important for a murder case."
Ditzy gaped. "Okay," she said, "for one, three days ago I was giving a lecture at town hall. I've got an entire audience of witnesses, and I know they'll remember me, because they all quite vocally hated it."
"Pinkie Pie!" Rainbow Dash yelled. "You said you saw her there!"
"Oops! I must've been looking through too many walls and gotten confused," Pinkie Pie said. "Silly me!"
"Aargh!" Rainbow Dash said.
"And now that I think about it, I remember Mayor Mare talking about that," Obama said. "She said something like 'Sunday will never be called Moonday, especially when you feel the need to subject the town to an 80 page slide deck to prove it.' "
"What's going on between you and Mayor Mare, anyways?" Rarity asked, too interested. "Aren't you living with her?"
Obama gulped.
~ ~ ~ ~
Mayor Mayor and Obama pulled away from each other. An awkward silence filled the air. Mayor Mayor turned the other direction and wiped her lips.
"Let's never talk about this again," she said, adjusting her collar.
"Agreed."
~ ~ ~ ~
"Oh, nothing," Obama lied.
Rarity was unconvinced.
"For two, and most importantly," Ditzy continued, "what does vomit have to do with a murder case!?"
"Twilight is being held in jail for murder because a bloody knife was found in her vomit," Applejack said. "The police think she disposed of the evidence by eating it. The only thing that can free her is testimony from someone who isn't one of her friends saying that when she was vomiting, a knife didn't come out."
Ditzy was at a loss for words. Even being able to see people's brains didn't explain their stupidity. "Look… morons. I wasn't there, so what can I do about this?"
"Easy," Rainbow Dash said. She got out a muffin. "Lie on the stand! You'll get a free muffin for your trouble."
"What the hell!? " Ditzy yelled. "I'm not going to lie on the stand just for a muffin! Besides, I hate muffins! Why does everyone around here think I snort muffins or something!? Honestly, I don't even care! I'm partial to plain wheat bagels for breakfast, but that's about it!"
Everyone stared at Ditzy.
"Guys," Pinkie Pie said. "I don't think this is the same Derpy we know and love."
Ditzy seethed. "Say Derpy again. Say Derpy again, I dare you, I double dare you Celestiafucker, say Derpy one more Celestiadamn time! "
"But without her testimony, what are we going to do?" Rainbow Dash said. "This was our only lead."
Everyone thought about it for a bit. Then Fluttershy groaned in frustration and grabbed the muffin from Rainbow Dash. She told everyone to leave.
"What? Do you have an idea?" Applejack said.
Fluttershy nodded. Once everyone was out, she locked the door and faced Ditzy. She approached Ditzy and held the muffin up to her face.
"I'm not afraid of you," Ditzy lied. "I told you lot, I hate muffins."
Fluttershy told Ditzy that if she didn't cooperate, what happened to the muffin would happen to her.
Ditzy scoffed. "What, is that supposed to be a threat?"
Fluttershy grinned grotesquely.
– – – –
"You done in there?" Rainbow Dash yelled. "You aren't molesting her or something, are you? Not that we mind or anything, but you know how irritated Applejack gets when she has to cover for us."
"How did that become my job, anyway?" Applejack said.
Fluttershy opened the door and gestured inside. The gang walked back inside the room to see a terrified Ditzy and small muffin pieces everywhere.
"I'll… I'll do it…" Ditzy stammered. "I'll… cooperate…"
– – – –
Ditzy walked up to the stand. "I saw it," she said. "I saw it as clearly as day. Chunks of… chunks of… daisyburger or something. But no knives, definitely no knives."
Fluttershy grunted.
"Oh, and Fluttershy has absolutely nothing to do with any of this," Ditzy stammered. "Nothing at all."
"Well, with testimony like that, how can I argue?" the judge said. "Rainbow Dash! You are acquitted."
The courtroom burst into confetti and cheers. Rainbow Dash facehoofed and started shaking her head.
"What?"
"It isn't me this time," she mouthed.
The judge looked at Rainbow Dash, confused, until he glanced over at the defendant's chair and noticed who was sitting in it.
He cleared his throat. "Twilight Sparkle! You are acquitted!"
The courtroom burst into theatrics again. The gang all ran up and hugged Twilight. Everyone except Obama, because he would have started getting Rarity flashbacks or something.
As they were leaving to go to a celebration party or orgy or something, in Ponyville it was about the same, Twilight pulled Obama aside.
Her eyes burned with anger. "You were right. You were so right." She gulped. "After how I've been treated for the last 48 hours… I've made up my mind. Let's do this."
Suddenly, Rainbow Dash screamed.
"Pinkie Pie! What's wrong? What is that!?"
"So," Cherilee said to her idyllic class of ponies. "It's time for our annual fundraiser!"
The class groaned.
"Oh, don't worry! It will be fun this time!" Cherilee said. "This time, the funds are not going to be embezzled, I swear. This time, all the proceeds are going to a charity to help abandoned puppies find good owners!"
The class groaned more.
"I know that sounds sketchy, but I personally verified it. I have absolutely no reason to lie about this," Cherilee said, making everyone more suspicious. "Take your cookie packs, kids!"
The kids begrudgingly took various packs of cookies and paperwork. Out on the playground, the Cutie Mark Crusaders discussed their various impractical plans for getting cutie marks.
"Looks like we've got Rarity's house, Fluttershy's house, and Twilight's house," Apple Bloom said. "Fundraising cutie marks go!"
"Are you sure? What would a fundraising cutie mark even look like?" Sweetie Belle said.
"Are you okay?" Apple Bloom said, crossing herself. "You're talking crazy! Like you're possessed by a demon or something!"
"Let's own this!" Scootaloo said, all gung ho because she was finally free of Rainbow Dash's abuse.
Little did she know things were about to get much, much worse.
"Hey girls," Diamond Tiara said. "Up for a challenge?"
"Maybe," Apple Bloom said. "What's in it for us?"
"If you live to tell the tale after doing this, we will admit that you are better than us."
"And if we don't?"
"Then you'll be dead."
The Cutie Mark Crusaders gulped.
"Sounds pretty extreme. Name it," Apple Bloom said, stoked.
Diamond Tiara smiled. "One of you call Fluttershy Flutterbutter."
The Cutie Mark Crusaders waited for the other shoe to drop. Then they started laughing.
"What!?" Apple Bloom said. "That's it!? Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
Apple Bloom spit on her hoof. "You have a deal."
Diamond Tiara left, clearly proud of herself. The Cutie Mark Crusaders laughed.
"This is going to be great!" Apple Bloom said. "We'll have her bowing before us in no time!"
"Don't you think there's something up with this?" Sweetie Belle said, nervous. "This seems too easy."
"Oh, come on! Be more optimistic!" Scootaloo said, tempting fate. "What's the worst that could happen?"
They set off to pick up Scootaloo's scooter, and spotted Obama on the way.
"Hey there, big community organizer guy!" Apple Bloom said. "What are you up to today? Organizing the community?"
"Well, today," Obama replied, smiling. "I'm not organizing as much as removing chaos."
They all stared at him.
Obama sighed. He held up a rope. "I'm tying Derpy to a rock. Pinkie Pie… well, it's a long story. Basically, she's insane now."
"Cool," Apple Bloom said.
"Good luck with that!" Scootaloo said.
"I'll need it," Obama said. He left.
And the Cutie Mark Crusaders sped off.
– – – –
After guilt tripping Twilight and Rarity into buying a bunch of useless crap, they stood in front of Fluttershy's house, apprehensive.
"So," Sweetie Belle said. "Who wants to knock the door?"
"You want to do it?" Apple Bloom said.
Sweetie Belle looked down. "Not really…"
"Oh come on!" Scootaloo yelled. "Are you guys afraid!?"
"Well, they did find that corpse here," Sweetie Belle mumbled. "I mean, I know Fluttershy has nothing to do with that, since she said so, but they still haven't caught that murderer!"
Scootaloo patted Sweetie Belle on the head. "Don't worry," she said. "If that murderer attacks you…" She looked Sweetie Belle in the eyes, dead serious. "Just use your rocket launchers, or whatever robots have these days, to blow him up!"
Sweetie Belle screamed in frustration.
"Since you're so confident, Scootaloo, you do it!" Apple Bloom yelled. She looked embarrassed. "I feel bad using Fluttershy like this."
"You know what? Maybe I will!" Scootaloo said. She walked up to the front door and smashed Spike against it repeatedly. It had no knocker. It was the only option.
No answer.
Scootaloo tested the door. It was unlocked. "Fluttershy?" she said, walking inside. As soon as she was out of view, the door slammed shut.
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle gulped.
"We're going to have to go in there and save her, aren't we?" Sweetie Belle said.
"Looks like it," Apple Bloom replied. She approached the door. "Remember. Just keep thinking… laser beams, laser beams, laser beams."
"I'll… I'll try."
They rammed the door open only to see Fluttershy choking the chicken.
So, Scootaloo.
"Were not from the IRS, I swear!" Scootaloo got out.
"She's right! We're just here to sell cookies!" Sweetie Belle yelled. She produced cookies. "See?"
Fluttershy took her hands, er, hooves off of Scootaloo and said she was sorry.
"Oh, no, it's cool!" Scootaloo said. "We all know how crazy the IRS can get!"
"Yeah!" Apple Bloom said. "…I think. Do we even have an IRS?"
Fluttershy asked, with much eloquence, why the hell they were peddling cookies in her neighborhood.
"It's a fundraiser for our class!" Sweetie Belle piped in. "It's to help lost puppies find a new home!"
"And Cherilee says she isn't embezzling any of it this time!" Apple Bloom said. "So that means there's a 50% chance your money will actually go to the cause!" She tried to think of how to put a positive spin on that. "That's higher than usual!"
Fluttershy said she would get some bits and buy the cookies. She left the room.
"ALRIGHT!" the Cutie Mark Crusaders said.
"So?" Sweetie Belle asked. "After this?"
"Yep." Scootaloo psyched herself up. "Watch the master."
Fluttershy came back and exchanged the money for the cookies. She pretended it was a drug deal to put the kids at ease. So, after having a great time, the Cutie Mark Crusaders stood outside Fluttershy's house waving.
Apple Bloom looked at Scootaloo. It was now or never.
"Ready?"
"Ready."
Scootaloo smiled. "Thanks a bunch, Flutterbut—"
Suddenly Scootaloo was 200 feet away from Fluttershy's cottage.
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!? WHAT DID YOU BUCKING CALL ME, YOU LITTLE BUCKING SHIT!?" Fluttershy screamed, holding Scootaloo by the wings.
"F– Flutterbutter…" Scootaloo stammered.
"AND WHAT IS MY NAME AGAIN? DO YOU EVEN KNOW?! DO YOU EVEN BUCKING KNOW!? ARE YOU DENSE!? ARE YOU RETARDED OR SOMETHING!? COME ON, SAY IT. SAY MY NAME! I DARE YOU. I BUCKING DARE YOU!"
"Your name is Fluttershy," Scootaloo squealed.
"LOUDER."
"Your name is Fluttershy!" Scootaloo yelled.
"BUCKING LOUDER!"
"YOUR NAME IS FLUTTERSHY!" Scootaloo screamed.
Fluttershy punched Scootaloo in the face. "THERE. WAS THAT SO HARD? WAS THAT REALLY SO HARD!? DO YOU GO AROUND CALLING EVERYONE THE WRONG NAME, OR AM I JUST SPECIAL OR SOMETHING? BECAUSE, YOU KNOW…"
She kicked Scootaloo in the gut.
"IT'S…"
She kicked Scootaloo in the face.
"PRETTY…"
She pulled Scootaloo's tail off.
"CELESTIADAMN INSULTING!"
She rocketed towards the ground and slammed Scootaloo against a rock.
"REMIND ME, WHY DID YOU COME TO MY HOUSE?"
"We–we were just–we just wanted to know if you wanted to please buy some of our cookies…" Scootaloo said through the copious blood loss.
"DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER REASON?"
"I… n–no, not really…"
"I THOUGHT SO." Fluttershy held Scootaloo up to her face. "WHY ELSE WOULD ANYONE COME TO FLUTTERSHY? IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE JUST WANTS TO SEE HER OR ANYTHING! OF COURSE NOT! EVERYONE JUST WANTS SOMETHING FROM HER! YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE BEING AROUND ME, DO YOU!?"
"P–please stop," Scootaloo squealed.
"SAY PLEASE ONE MORE TIME. SAY PLEASE ONE MORE BUCKING TIME. I BUCKING DARE YOU. I BUCKING DOUBLE DARE YOU."
"Fluttershy! Please! Please stop!"
Fluttershy's eyes filled with renewed rage. "OH, SO YOU CALL ME FLUTTERSHY WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING? THAT'S NICE. THAT'S REALLY BUCKING NICE. LIKE NO ONE'S EVER DONE THAT BEFORE. EVERYONE WANTS SOMETHING FROM FLUTTERSHY! BUT DOES ANYONE EVER DO ANYTHING FOR FLUTTERSHY? OF COURSE NOT! IT'S JUST TAKE TAKE TAKE TAKE."
Fluttershy pounded Scootaloo against the rock.
"HERE, TAKE HER FOOTSTOOL."
Pound.
"TAKE HER PETS. TAKE HER HAIRBRUSH."
Pound pound.
"TAKE HER BUCKING VIRGINITY."
She chucked Scootaloo at the rock as hard as she could.
"YOU MAKE ME SICK."
Scootaloo wheezed in a pool of her own blood.
"YOU WANT TO KNOW WHEN IT ALL STARTED?"
Scootaloo was beyond talking. Fluttershy scooped her up and started flying into the sky.
"WHEN ONE OF THOSE FILTHY MONKEYS GOT THEIR HANDS ON ME. HE CAME OUT OF THE FOREST AND OFFERED TO HELP ME OUT. OFFERED TO DO CHORES. IT WAS A DREAM COME TRUE! FINALLY, SOMEONE WANTED TO HELP FLUTTERSHY! BUT WAS THAT WHAT HE WANTED? OF COURSE NOT! WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO DO THAT? HE JUST WANTED TO GET CLOSE TO ME SO HE COULD GET A CHANCE TO KISS ME! HE USED ME! HE BUCKING USED ME! JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!"
She started ripping off feathers from Scootaloo's wings.
"JUST LIKE TWILIGHT! JUST LIKE RAINBOW DASH! JUST LIKE APPLEJACK! JUST LIKE IRON WILL!"
Most of Scootaloo's feathers were gone now.
"AND JUST LIKE YOU."
Fluttershy tore off Scootaloo's wings and started rocketing towards the ground. Faster and faster and faster and faster until everything was just a giant downwards blur and Scootaloo could see a Sonic Rainboom form through the edge of her vision.
She was almost impressed until they hit the ground.
Fluttershy timed the Sonic Rainboom perfectly to go off when they collided. Instead of spreading out through the sky, it completely annihilated the forest, the ground, and any living thing around for 200 feet. What was left of Scootaloo lied in a twitching heap at the bottom of a 200 foot deep crater. She tried to get up with all her might, but her body wouldn't obey, and she just crumpled into the ground. Fluttershy spit on her corpse and flew away.
Scootaloo got better.
"…and then I laid there, at the bottom of the crater, every bone in my body broken, my wings gone, and half of my blood drained. That's when Fluttershy walked over and spit on me. How's that?"
Diamond Tiara and whatever her friend's name is, no one likes her, so whatever, looked upon Scootaloo in utter horror.
"But…" she said. "Your wings…"
"They grew back."
"And your bones?"
"They got better."
"And your blood?"
"It came back."
Stunned silence.
"Okay, okay! We admit it! You're better than us! Just don't eat our souls!" Diamond Tiara yelled, running away.
"Scootaloo would never do that!" Apple Bloom said. "Sweetie Belle, on the other hand…"
"How many times do I have to tell you guys!" Sweetie Belle yelled. "I am not possessed by a demon or a robot!"
Apple Bloom narrowed her eyes. "That's just the sort of thing a robot would say."
Sweetie Belle facehoofed.
"Well, that was fun!" Scootaloo said. "Extremely painful, but totally worth it!"
"Scootaloo, pardon my French, but…" Sweetie Belle inhaled. "HOW THE BUCK DID YOU SURVIVE THAT!?"
Scootaloo cocked her head. "What do you mean?"
"We could see the explosion from miles away and you just 'got better'!?" Sweetie Belle yelled. "I don't think so!"
"Oh yeah?" Scootaloo said. "Then what do you think happened?"
Sweetie Belle couldn't answer that one.
"Let's go, Apple Bloom," Scootaloo said, leaving Sweetie Belle behind to reel. They walked through town a bit, trying to ignore all the mares making out.
"Seriously, though, how did you survive that?" Apple Bloom said. "You must have had some trick."
"What?"
"Like you swapped yourself out with a stunt double last-second, or had Twilight put a protection spell around you or something," Apple Bloom continued. "Otherwise there's no way you could have survived that."
Scootaloo hadn't even thought of doing those things. "You mean… Sweetie Belle was right? It isn't normal to survive that?"
Apple Bloom looked at her like she was insane. "No, no it isn't." She tried to think of a way to justify it. "But you exaggerated that story a bit, didn't you? You know, to bug Diamond Tiara and what's-her-name?"
"I wish."
"Well, maybe you're just remembering it exaggerated. Because Fluttershy was so scary."
Scootaloo tried to think of way to convince Apple Bloom she was telling the truth. She looked around and saw some guy walking around with a meat cleaver. Because that is totally normal. So she walked up to him and asked a completely normal question.
"Hey, can I borrow that?"
He balked, obviously. "Excuse me?"
"I need to show a friend something."
He continued to stare at her. Time for Plan B.
"What, can your puny earth pony brain not understand me?"
The guy looked up at his very obvious unicorn horn. "What did you just call me?"
"Why don't you just go back to your farm or something so you can kick stuff? Because that's all you're good for."
"GRAAAH!"
Long story short, Scootaloo got pony shanked. With a meat cleaver. So basically, decapitated.
"SCOOTALOO!" Apple Bloom screamed as she watched Scootaloo's head fly through the air, too shocked to cry. She looked up at the meat cleaver guy. "How could you!? She was just a child!"
"I… uh…"
"No, just wait a bit."
Apple Bloom looked around. "Who said that!?"
"Me."
Apple Bloom looked down at Scootaloo's head.
"Hi," Scootaloo's disembodied head said.
Apple Bloom was lost for words.
Scootaloo's body scooted over and reattached itself to her head. "See, that wasn't so bad, wasn't it?"
The square was completely abandoned, the death and reanimation of a small child being a sufficient turn off for most the couples. Except for Lyra and Bon-Bon. They were shameless as ever.
Apple Bloom found some words.
"That… is definitely not normal."
"What? Seriously? Dammit," Scootaloo said.
"How long you been able to do that?"
"My whole life?"
"How?"
"I don't know."
"Maybe you should find out?"
Scootaloo thought about it. There was one pony she was sure could answer all of her questions.
– – – –
Scootaloo tested the door. Unlocked. Clearly having not learned anything from the Fluttershy incident, she barged in.
"Twilight?"
Twilight quickly hid a bunch of pieces of paper and pretended she wasn't plotting insurrection. "Yes?"
Scootaloo scratched her head. "I have some questions I need to ask you."
Twilight grinned. Finally! Her genius, respected! "Sure! Anything! Ask away!"
"Well, I've been having these feelings…"
Twilight paused, wishing this wasn't going where she thought it was.
"They've always been there, I think," Scootaloo said, "but the more I talk to other ponies, the more I'm convinced they aren't natural." She started to tense up. "What's happening to me, Twilight!?"
Twilight sighed. It was. Why her? Why did everyone always send the kids to her to get "the talk"? Did people think she had a good sex life or something? Because she didn't! How much did they think a single librarian got, anyways!? The best she could hope for was Celestia severely invading her personal space, which just didn't cut it. Twilight had sworn that the next time this happened, she would start trolling, and whether it was Scootaloo or not, she was going to go through with it.
"Oh, really?" Twilight said, feigning interest. She started to pull the copy of the Pony Sutra Luna had given her. "What kind of… feelings?"
"Like, well…"
"It's too embarrassing to talk about, that's fine," Twilight said. She held the book above her head. "I've got a nice visual guide right here!"
"No, no, it's not embarrassing." Scootaloo thought about it. "I don't think it's embarrassing, at least."
Twilight said the book down on the table. "You don't need to play tough with me, Scootaloo." She opened the book to a page she had specifically dogeared for the occasion.
"No, really!" Scootaloo cleared her throat. "Like, here's one! Is it supposed to hurt when a knife slashes you through the neck?"
"Now, as you can see here—" Twilight stopped, not sure if she heard Scootaloo correctly. "What."
Scootaloo looked irritated. "I said, is it supposed to hurt when a knife slashes you through the neck?"
She thought so. Twilight wasn't quite sure how to respond to that. She decided on an awkward stare accompanied by, "It's supposed to kill you."
"Well, that didn't happen, obviously."
What? Wait, what? How? Why? When? How was Scootaloo even—
"It's true, isn't it?" Scootaloo said, beginning to cry. "I'm not normal, am I?"
Twilight couldn't lie, but… "Are you sure it was a knife?"
"Pretty sure."
"And by knife we mean, you know, sharp thing with a handle…" Twilight tried to gesture a knife.
"It was a meat cleaver. A pretty good one, too. Clean cut, straight through. None of those hanging tendons."
"And when it cut you, you felt—?"
"A light tickling. It almost felt… good."
Huh.
After Pinkie Pie, Twilight was a bit jaded towards these things.
"So, you're immortal," Twilight said. "And possibly a masochist."
"What?"
"It means you can't die."
Scootaloo thought about it.
"Nah, that can't be it," she said.
"What? Why?"
"Come on! Everybody knows that the only immortals are the princesses!" Scootaloo said. "What, are you going to tell me I'm actually a princess in disguise?"
Twilight thought about it.
"You know, you're right," Twilight said. "You've probably just been hanging out around Sweetie Belle too much. I mean, everybody knows she's a demon or something."
"Yeah, that's probably it," Scootaloo said. She looked at the table. "Hey, what's that book you were waving around?" she asked, sneaking a peek.
"No, wait, don't—!"
– – – –
Scootaloo left the house with a massive headache, her fillyhood destroyed slightly more than the first time she was decapitated.
So, a perfect time for Pinkie Pie to show up.
"Hey! What's eating you?" Pinkie Pie grated, bouncing up.
"I've got the worst headache…"
"Well I can fix that!" Pinkie Pie said, and phased inside Scootaloo.
"No, really, it's—"
If she wasn't immortal, the pain alone would have killed her. Her vision blacked out. She began to see things.
Time didn't flow normally anymore. She wasn't sure if what was happening took seconds, minutes, or centuries.
In front of her laid the secrets of the universe. She could see life, death, and everything in between. Everything, in some sick way, connected together. She could see all of Equestria tumbling like a pile of dominoes. It happened over and over again. She tried to reach out, and find out why, and she could feel herself getting closer and closer to something, something extremely important—
Then everything whited out. She was in a void, completely empty aside from a cryptic design. Five spheres, all interconnected in a web of lines. One was empty, and another was rapidly dismantling itself, tearing parts of the web apart. Somehow, it felt wrong, and scared her beyond recognition. She screamed out, and reached at it, but…
With a snap, she found herself back in reality, her vision filled by Pinkie Pie's face.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't know!" Pinkie Pie said. "Don't worry, it's all over now, it's all over…"
Scootaloo had many questions, but there was one she wanted to get out of the way first. "You didn't know… what?"
"You're immortal."
Scootaloo believed her.
It was the dead of night.
Stealthily, a figure opened a door. With a thud, she tossed a heavy sack on the ground and dragged it outside. She checked the surroundings. Left. Right. Left. Right. Leftright. The coast was clear.
Shovel. Check.
Evidence. Check.
MP3 player. Check.
Laboriously, she started digging. She was unused to such a job, and really would have preferred not to, but she had no choice. If anyone found out, it would be… a slight inconvenience, honestly, but an inconvenience nonetheless.
And if there is anything she couldn't stand, it was an inconvenience.
An hour passed. Finally, the hole was big enough. With a grunt, she tossed the bag into it. She could never stand this part, and looked away. It landed with a disgusting squish sound. When she looked down, she was immediately filled with regret.
"Celestiadammit! I knew that hole wasn't big enough!"
More digging. Now it was big enough. She tossed the bag down, sighed, and started refilling the hole. Two hours later, it was done. She slumped against the wall.
Rarity wiped the sweat off her brow. "There has got to be a better way to dispose of condoms than this…" she said. She looked up. The sun was up. She laid against the wall, exhausted, until she heard a familiar set of footsteps.
"Hey there, Obama! Nice weather, isn't it?" she slurred, half-asleep, trying to be casual. "Anyway, how is your sex life?"
Obama didn't have time to get annoyed at her.
He was on a mission.
– – Five hours earlier… – –
"Come in!"
Obama opened Twilight's door and spastically closed and hid behind it so no one saw him.
"How's our privacy situation?" he asked.
"I've removed all the bugs, sealed up all the secret passageways, removed all of Pinkie Pie's crap, declared the library closed for today, and, most importantly," Twilight inhaled, "surrounded the building in a Somebody Else's Problem Field."
"A what?"
"Anyone who needs to do something in the library will suddenly blame it on someone else and walk away." Twilight smirked. "You're really worried about Rarity, aren't you?"
"And being found out by the monarchy, yes," Obama said. "So, are you really in?"
"I was beginning to question things myself. But recent events only convinced me that you were right." Twilight quivered in anger. "I was treated horribly in jail, made to watch one of my closest friends in her worst moments, got a pony committed… all by Celestia. And I'm closer to her than anyone. I'm her personal student! I can't even imagine the suffering she must've caused everyone else."
Obama paused. "Got a pony committed?"
"Didn't you hear?" Twilight said. "Derpy got put in the mental institution after you tied her up."
Obama froze. "It isn't because she said Pinkie Pie went inside of her, is it? Because I saw it with my own eyes, I can vouch for that."
"No, they believed that," Twilight said. "Half their patients are in there because of Pinkie Pie."
"And the other half?"
"Discord."
"Who?"
Twilight grew pale. "Let's not talk about Discord."
Obama tried to change the subject. "So, about Celestia…"
"That's right! I've been thinking about that," Twilight said, now excited. "I think the only way we're going to pull off overthrowing her is to convince the whole town she's bad news."
"The whole town?" Obama said. "How are we going to do that?"
"With subtle manipulation. You're already good at that, I can tell," Twilight replied, making Obama uncomfortable. "It's not going to be easy, and it's not going to be quick. That's good for us, though."
"Good?"
"If we try doing this quickly, it's not going to work. Celestia's been doing this for 1000 years. I'm sure she has some tricks up her sleeve… er, hoof, er horseshoe." Twilight briefly got distracted thinking about how various human phrases had worked their way into pony vernacular even though they didn't make much sense, but she pulled herself back on topic. "And we need time to figure out how to raise the sun."
Obama stared at her. "What?"
Twilight started pacing around. It was lecture time. "I wasn't kidding when I said Celestia and Luna raise the sun and moon. Our world doesn't work like yours. Without manual intervention, most parts of nature don't work—including the sun. If we want to overthrow Celestia, we need to prepare a way for us to raise the sun on our own."
Obama thought about it. "But can't we just make her keep raising the sun?"
"Do you really think that's going to work?" Twilight scoffed. "She could turn us down, make demands, and end up taking power again. Let's face it." Her face hardened. "If we want to overthrow Celestia, we have to kill her."
Obama shuddered.
This was going perfectly.
"Now, about getting the town against her…" Twilight put her hoof on her chin. "There's only one way I can think of to do that. There's one pony here everyone trusts, and we can get her on our side, the rest will inevitably follow."
Obama stared at Twilight. "Who is this pony?"
– – – –
Obama stared at Applejack's door. Twilight and Obama had discussed many things, but everything hinged on this. She was the key. Get Applejack in, everyone else follows. He just had to remember that.
He knocked.
"What is it?" a distraught voice said from inside.
"It's me, Obama," Obama said, as if there was anyone who even wanted to impersonate him. "I want to talk with you."
The voice considered it.
"Come in," it said.
Obama entered.
The room was a mess. Well, no, not really, the room was fine, but Applejack was a mess.
She wasn't kidding when she said she needed to rethink her life.
"What do you want?" she asked, shivering in a corner.
"Just to talk."
Applejack paused.
"There's just been too much going on recently," she said. "I don't know… I don't know how much more I can take."
"Too much going on?" Obama asked, egging her on. Unlike her, he was going to play counselor the right way.
"Well, y'all, for one," Applejack replied, gesturing at Obama. "Did you know every time a new human appears in Equestria, all six of us have to greet them?"
"No."
"Well, it's true. Celestia's orders. You can hardly have a moment to yourself before another one of you shows up." Applejack looked at Obama. "No offense."
"None taken." Better to just let her vent.
"I mean, at first it was kind of neat. We got a bunch of new ideas we never would've thought of before." Applejack smiled. "I can't even begin to count what y'all have given us in technology and knowledge—I mean, I know I never would have thought of flair apple marketing it wasn't for that band, Rammstien!"
Obama tried and failed to imagine that meeting.
She lowered her head. "But we have the Lyra test for a reason. After a while, victims started speaking up, and we found out what the humans were really doing. Rape, murder, things beyond our wildest imagination. No one could figure out why… until we found out about the TV show of us in your world. How… obsessed these people were of it. They tried to hide it from us. They said they thought we couldn't handle the existential crisis, or some crap like that." She punched the wall. "But I know that's a lie! I know a lie when I see one! They just didn't want us to know they were using us to carry out their sick fantasies from their world! As if we still weren't real!"
She breathed heavy for a bit.
"And then… finding out I've been eating my friend for the last 10 years… it's just too much." She sighed. "I thought everything that's been going wrong lately started with the humans, but now that I've found out about Pinkie Pie… I don't know what to believe."
Obama, with heavily calculated sympathy, patted Applejack on the shoulder. That was an $800 workshop.
"The more I hear about it, the more I think that TV show of us is how our lives were supposed to be." She paused. "Ditzy was right. This isn't natural."
They sat there for a bit.
"Do you feel better now?" Obama asked.
"Yeah," Applejack replied. "I should be back to normal in a day or two. You… don't have to stay here if you don't want to."
"Okay," he replied. He stood up and started walking out, but Applejack stopped him.
"Wait," she said, a bit oddly. "There is… there is one more thing I want to tell you."
Obama kneeled down next to her again. "What is it?"
She stared into space, as if trying to remember something extremely vague. Obama was just about to ask if she was okay when she continued talking. "I haven't told anyone this yet, but I feel like you have to know." She looked down. "If you think I've been treating you badly, trying to make your problems worse… you're right. I'm usually not such an awful counselor, I swear."
"It's okay," Obama lied.
"It's just… I hate the humans. When I volunteered to be counselor, I wanted to get back at them. Make their lives worse. Because… because…" She started tearing up. "…those bastards took away my family."
Obama paused. "What?"
Applejack looked at Obama. "My parents weren't dead until the humans came. Just gone. But then some humans got their hands on them and killed them, because that damn TV show makes it look like they're dead and they couldn't deal with anything being different from their fantasy." She started crying. "And I thought all humans were the same until I met you, and you've been so nice to us all I feel really bad for treating you bad."
Obama held Applejack. "There, there," he said as she sobbed into his shoulder. "It's okay. I forgive you."
"Thanks…"
Obama smiled. Of course he forgave her.
He had his way in.
– – A couple hours earlier… – –
Twilight watched a little too intensely at Obama's back as he walked out the door. When it closed, she sighed and leaned against a table. She didn't need to hold it in anymore. She tried to deny it, but she couldn't. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't keep him out of her head.
There was no choice. She had to admit it.
She was in love with Obama.
She didn't know how to explain it. It just came out of nowhere, as if it was willed into being by a bad writer. But there was no denying it. Whenever she was around him, her heart went aflutter. Not like Fluttershy aflutter, which would probably involve killing something, but aflutter aflutter, where whenever she was near him she started making increasingly impractical wedding plans. The latest one involved a forest and inviting a bunch of lifelong enemies. Twilight wasn't quite sure how that was going to work, but she was sure it was going to add zest.
It started, as far as she could remember, as soon as she met him. He was smarter than other humans, more inquisitive, and that piqued her interest. It was no surprise—as the leader of a country in his world, he had experience with things beyond her imagination. And, most importantly, he wasn't one of those freaks obsessed with the TV show they were all in. He hadn't even heard of it.
He didn't judge them based on what he thought they were going to be like. He just treated them like normal people. Not as tools or animals, just… people. It was a refreshing break from what the humans were usually like, and he was more open-minded than most ponies would be in his situation, that was for sure.
Twilight was sure that, out of all the people she had met, he was the only one she had a chance of starting a life with. She knew it would be hard, but with perseverance, she was sure it could work out.
They had a chance. A real chance.
At that, her head started swarming with thoughts, some erotic, and it was clear that she needed to talk to someone about it. Get her feelings out there.
And there was one pony Twilight knew couldn't possibly judge her for this.
– – – –
"You sick BUCK!" Rarity said.
Twilight paused. "What did you just call me?"
"You are really a piece of work, Twilight," Rarity said. "I mean, really. You fall in love with a completely different species? How depraved is that?" She narrowed her eyes. "That's like, Lyra level."
"What are you talking about!?" Twilight yelled. "You raped him!"
"Just for the attention. I didn't mean it," Rarity said, twirling her hair. "…unlike you."
"I'm not planning on raping him!" Twilight said. "With any luck, it'll be consensual…" she muttered to herself.
Unfortunately, Rarity's hearing was better than Twilight expected. "Oh!" she yelled. "Look whose mind is in the gutter now! Eh? Eh?" She nudged Twilight's shoulder.
Twilight groaned. She was getting desperate. "Okay, fine, but could you throw me a little bone here? Do you have any advice?"
"Other than 'don't'?"
Twilight glared. "Okay, let's pretend he's a stallion."
"If he was a stallion… I would say just tell him your feelings honestly."
Twilight eyes glimmered in hope. "Really?"
"Of course! That always works!" Rarity said. She smirked. That never worked.
Twilight thought about it and started shoving Rarity out of the door. "Well, I'll give that a shot. Thanks, Rarity."
"Glad I could help!" Rarity said. "Oh, and by the way, I'm telling the whole town about your sick crush!"
"Yeah, whatever!" Twilight yelled, half paying attention. She slammed the door and leaned against a wall. Conversations with Rarity always tired her.
She considered Rarity's advice. It didn't seem like a horrible suggestion, just honestly telling Obama everything. After all, that's what all the romance novels did, and it never ended too badly for them. But then again, it was one of Rarity's ideas, and Equestrian culture had gotten a bit… sexual, so she wasn't sure if what would work on ponies would work on humans.
It was going to be a hard decision.
Twilight went outside and started walking around to loosen her muscles. She was lost in thought, but out of the corner of her eye, she could swear she could see the other townspeople staring at her.
Then she felt someone tapping her on the shoulder. She turned around and saw that it was Lyra.
Oh buck.
"Rarity told me all about it," Lyra said. "It was a little fast, but… okay, actually, it was complete gibberish, but I think I got the gist." She looked at Twilight knowingly. "I just want you to know… I'm here for you."
When Rarity said she was going to tell the whole town, Twilight forgot that included Lyra.
"You must think I'm a freak, don't you?" Twilight said, then remembered who she was talking to. "Actually, you must not think I'm a freak, and that's even worse."
"Don't worry," Lyra said. "It's completely normal."
Twilight groaned. She knew it.
"Everyone goes through this," Lyra cooed.
This was not good. And yet…
"What do you think I should do?" Twilight said. "Do you think… just honestly saying my feelings is a good idea?"
"Oh dear Celestia no!" Lyra said. "That never works. You've got to send signals."
Twilight cocked her head. "Signals?"
Lyra stared. "You know, flirting, love letters, planting bugs, 'accidental' molestation… everything you do when you want someone to know you like them. Let them know you're interested, then," Lyra paused, making sure this sank in, "wait for them to confess to you."
Twilight thought about that, then noticed something. "But… wait, aren't they doing the same thing to you?"
"Yeah, probably."
"Doesn't that just create an infinite loop?"
"An infinite loop with benefits, luckily," Lyra replied. "What do you want, a relationship?"
Twilight wasn't quite sure how to respond to that.
"Well, uh, thanks, Lyra," Twilight said. "I think I've decided what to do."
Twilight walked off, more confident.
Lyra sighed.
"Who has that big of a problem coming out of the closet, anyways?" she groaned, and walked off to make out with Bon–Bon or something.
– – – –
Twilight sat by the door, gathering her nerves. It opened with a creak, and Obama stepped in.
"How'd it go?" Twilight asked.
"It went well," Obama replied, clearly tired. "She isn't on our side yet, but I have a pretty good idea on how to get her there." He sat down on a chair.
It was now or never.
If Lyra thought it was a bad idea…
Twilight gulped. "Obama, I have something to tell you."
Obama paused, and then acted like he remembered something. "Oh, that reminds me…" he said, putting on his best 'I have something controversial to say' face. He skipped the workshop on that, since that was basically his normal face. "I have something to tell you, too."
Twilight lost her nerves. "Okay, you go first."
Obama cleared his throat.
"Twilight… I think I'm in love with Applejack."
"What happened to your eye?" Mayor Mayor asked.
"Oh, I, uh, tripped," Obama lied. "I fell down the stairs in the library."
Mayor Mayor eyed him. "Come on, you can tell me the truth," she said. "I've seen you go in the library. Twilight's abusing you, isn't she? She hit you with a hard left hook, didn't she?" She paused, narrowing her eyes. Then she started laughing. "Just kidding! Like that could ever happen!"
Obama laughed nervously.
That was exactly what had happened.
"Anyways, I have mayor stuff to do," she said, which totally didn't mean embezzling or drugs or embezzling drugs. "Would you mind looking after the Cutie Mark Crusaders today?"
"What?"
"Well, no one else in the town is open, and you're reliable enough," she said.
"Reliable enough?"
"Well, you aren't Rainbow Dash."
Obama couldn't argue with that.
– – – –
"You're looking after us today?" Scootaloo asked, clearly incredulous.
"Yes, yes I am," Obama replied. "Someone has to protect you little kids from death, pedophiles, and Rainbow Dash, right?"
"You kidding? If anything happens to us, they'll have to deal with my sister," Sweetie Belle said.
The group looked at her in confusion.
"Rarity?" Obama asked, just making sure.
"That's right," Sweetie Belle replied. "She's got a black belt in karate."
"Your sister," Apple Bloom said, too utterly dumbfounded for a question mark.
"Think about it," Sweetie Belle said. "Whenever someone is talking about my sister, what do they usually say next?"
Scootaloo thought about it. "…'I want to kill that bitch.' "
"Exactly."
The gang thought about that for a bit. "Makes sense to me," Obama said. "But if I look after you guys, I don't have to work today, so I'm still going to do that."
"Works for me!" Apple Bloom said, then inhaled.
"GETTING PEOPLE OUT OF WORK CUTIE MARKS GO!" they all screamed.
"What?" Obama asked, confused.
"Oh, it's this thing they do," Sweetie Belle groaned.
"She's just mad because robots can't get cutie marks," Scootaloo said.
Sweetie Belle was beyond caring. "I'm happy enough with my lasers and machine guns, thank you very much," she lied.
"No, I meant what is a cutie mark?" Obama asked.
The Crusaders stared at him, dumbfounded.
"To the clubhouse!" Scootaloo yelled.
– – – –
"You've been in Equestria this long and you don't know what a cutie mark is!?" Scootaloo said.
"Did you think everyone here just happened to have a tattoo on their butt!?" Apple Bloom yelled.
"After everything else that's happened here," Obama said, "yes!"
"Didn't they teach you stuff like this when you came here?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Sort of, but it wasn't very extensive," Obama replied.
"Obviously."
"They just showed me what the pony species were on some projector that was powered by Cthulhu."
"The state of education these days!" Sweetie Belle said, the closest Obama came to agreeing with someone in Rarity's family.
The Crusaders procured a poster out of nowhere and planted Obama in front of it.
"Okay, they told you not to call ponies by other species right?" Apple Bloom said. "Or you'll…"
"…get pony shanked, yes, we went over that."
"That happened to me once," Scootaloo said.
"Yeah, I saw that! Her head went flying!" Apple Bloom said.
Scootaloo began drawing a quite unnecessary picture of herself being decapitated in crayon.
Obama reeled. "Wait, how—"
"Just don't ask," Sweetie Belle suggested.
Obama clearly didn't grasp her point, because he proceeded to ask, "And just what is Pinkie Pie anyways? No one would tell me that."
Everyone thought about that for a bit.
"Pinkie Pie was inside me once," Scootaloo said, missing the double entendre. "I'm still trying to figure out what happened, but I'm pretty sure I died."
"Anyway ," Apple Bloom said, spotting the double entendre and jumping to typically raunchy conclusions, "none of us know what Pinkie Pie is."
"Okay, we're getting sidetracked, can we talk about cutie marks like we were planning to!?" Sweetie Belle said.
"Fine," Scootaloo replied. She started drawing a crude stick figure pony on the poster. "Here, we have Exhibit A, a pony without a cutie mark."
"Okay," Obama said.
"Because of that, he just wanders around aimlessly, with no purpose in life." She gave the stick pony a sad face.
"Okay," Obama said, hoping at some point she would start answering questions instead of begetting more.
"But then one day he discovers he's really good at making candy! It's almost like he's naturally good at it!" She tried to turn the sad face into a happy face with a red crayon. It ended up looking like the Joker, so she just went all the way and gave it green hair too. "So he gets a cutie mark that looks like a piece of candy, and he's destined to make candy for the rest of his life." She drew what, with much interpretation, could be seen as a couple pieces of candy on the stick pony's rear end. "Make sense?"
"So, if I understand this right," Obama said, who was pretty sure he didn't, "when ponies discover what they are good at, they get a cutie mark representing it, and from then on, that's what they are destined to spend their lives doing."
"That's right."
"Then I have a couple questions."
"Shoot," Scootaloo said, tempting fate like usual.
"What happens when they try doing something else?"
Scootaloo snorted. "They suck at it."
"Yeah, like this one time Applejack tried starting a pear farm," Apple Bloom said. "Long story short, there used to be another town next to Ponyville."
"So what happens if someone's special talent is something like… killing people. Or exploding. What then?"
"Celestia recruits them," Scootaloo said.
Obama blinked. "Excuse me?"
Scootaloo looked at him like he was an idiot. "How do you think they find people for the royal guard?"
Obama made a mental note that reinforcements would be key in defeating Celestia and proceeded to his final question.
"Okay then," he said, sure he had them cornered, "then explain Rarity."
The crusaders stared at him. "What?"
"Her cutie mark is of three diamonds, she's employed as a seamstress, and her special talent appears to be annoying people," Obama said. "Explain that."
The crusaders thought about that a bit.
"The diamonds represent her being good at finding gems, right?" Scootaloo said.
"Yeah, but she only uses those in her outfits once in a while," Sweetie Belle said.
"Let's pretend for a moment," Apple Bloom said, "that annoying people doesn't have anything to do with her special talent."
"No, let's keep that part in," Sweetie Belle said.
"Maybe it's symbolic for something," Apple Bloom said.
"Symbolic?" Scootaloo said. "Symbolic for what?"
"Her getting rich and blingy, I don't know!" Apple Bloom yelled.
At this, they started arguing, and Obama had to cover all their mouths to get them to stop. Once again, it required an artful combination of his hands and feet.
"Okay, when I let go, you all have to calm down, okay?" Obama got out. "Because I don't know how much longer I can hold this pose."
"Mmmph," Scootaloo grumbled through Obama's foot.
He let go. They were calm.
"Okay," he sighed, "let's just agree that Rarity is an abomination and leave it at that."
"No, Pinkie Pie is an abomination," Apple Bloom said. "Let's just call Rarity a… a…"
"Idiot," Sweetie Belle said.
"Deal," Obama said.
The group was awkwardly silent for a bit.
"So, about cutie marks," Scootaloo said, trying to steer things back on topic.
"That's why we're called the cutie Mark Crusaders! We're searching the world for our special talents!" Apple Bloom yelled.
"So you can get a picture of it on your butt and fail at everything else for the rest of your life," Obama said.
"That's right!" Apple Bloom replied.
The group was even more awkwardly silent for a bit.
"Well," Obama said, choosing to drop any pretense of subtlety, "how would you like cutie marks in overthrowing the government?"
"Sounds exciting!" Scootaloo said. Her and Apple Bloom fist bumped, except with their hooves, because this totally isn't secretly an anthro story.
"What would that even look like?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Like an American flag."
"A what?"
Obama gaped. What kind of education did they have here? "It's the flag of my country, one of the largest countries in the human world," he said. "I thought you had some classes in basic human history."
"We do, but it was about as detailed what you got on us," Scootaloo replied. "They never tell us the good parts."
"Yeah, like how did you get here?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"No one knows," Obama replied. "They're still trying to figure out how humans are—"
"No, I mean how you got here," Sweetie Belle said.
"Yeah, yeah, tell us!" Apple Bloom said.
"Please?" Scootaloo pleaded.
They all put on their best puppy dog eyes.
"Fine," Obama said, caving, but not, as most bronies would, suffering a random heart attack. "I was doing this promotional event with an actor. Have any of you ever seen Walker Texas Ranger?"
They looked at him in confusion.
"Well, anyways, it was with the lead actor in that. The event was just starting, he started doing one of his signature roundhouse kicks, and next thing I knew I was in the Everfree Forest."
Apple Bloom looked pensive. "Walker Texas Ranger… actor… roundhouse kicks… Chuck Norris!? You were with Chuck Norris!?"
"Yes, why?"
Apple Bloom looked at Obama in awe. "Isn't he like, a deity in your world!?"
"I heard he raises the sun, just like Celestia!" Sweetie Belle said.
"I heard he can enter your dreams, just like Luna!" Scootaloo said. "And he actually leaves your dreams, unlike Luna!"
Obama facepalmed. "No, that's just someone trying to pull a fast one on you. He's just an actor."
"Are you sure?" Apple Bloom said. "Because according to you, he roundhouse kicked you to Equestria!"
Obama about that for a bit. "Nah, that can't be. He wasn't around the other humans when they came here." He paused. "At least, I don't think he was." He paused, desperately trying to justify this. "Besides, his kick never connected with me. We were on opposite ends of the room."
"I don't think that would stop Chuck Norris," Apple Bloom said ominously.
"Let's talk about something else, why don't we?" Obama asked, able to overcome being raped by a pony or being roundhouse kicked to Equestria but not both at the same time.
– – – –
"Do you realize how creepy that is?" Rarity asked.
"What?" Rainbow Dash replied, looking away from the pair of binoculars and microphone she had pointed at the Cutie Mark Crusader's hideout. "Creepy? This totally isn't creepy. I'm just… making sure nothing bad is happening to them!"
"Oh, I beg to differ," Rarity said. "Girls?"
By some contrived coincidence, the rest of the mane six happened to be there.
Rarity pointed at Rainbow Dash and her monitoring equipment. "Is this creepy?"
"Yes," they all said, except for Fluttershy, who admonished Rainbow Dash for not even having a candid shower photo collection yet, and Pinkie Pie, who helpfully pointed out that there were no corpses.
"Why are you so obsessed with Scootaloo, anyways!?" Twilight asked.
"If I can't prove that I'm good with kids, I'll never move up in society!"
Twilight groaned. "Oh, right, that bullshit."
Rainbow Dash looked back into her binoculars and, noticing the Cutie Mark Crusaders were leaving the hideout, spotted her chance. "Okay, nice talk, gotta go, guys!" She packed up her equipment and fluttered over to Obama.
"Well, that was weird," Rarity said. "Anyone else want to get Applejack's cider?"
"I know I want to," Applejack said.
They all started walking away, but not before Fluttershy stopped Twilight and invited her to her house.
"Aw, you don't have to," Twilight said. "What's the occasion?"
Fluttershy said it was to return a book, and totally not a hastily made excuse to rape Twilight.
"Looks like I've got nothing to worry about, then!" Twilight said, and the two headed off.
– – – –
Obama looked over the Cutie Mark Crusaders, distracted only by an annoying wing flapping next to his head.
"So?" Rainbow Dash whispered into his ear. "Did she buy it?"
"What?" Obama looked at Scootaloo. "What happened to your restraining order?"
"If I'm not talking to her, it should be fine. Anyway, did she? Did she buy it?"
"Buy what?"
"You know… the Applejack thing…"
Obama groaned.
"What you think?" Obama replied, motioning towards his black eye. "She punched me in the face."
Rainbow Dash blinked. "What? Seriously?" She got closer to Obama. "Do you know what this means?"
"She didn't think it was funny?"
"It means," Rainbow Dash was almost whispering now, "she's got a crush on you."
Obama backed away. "Don't be ridiculous," he said, choosing to be fine with being in a world full of cartoon horses, but drawing the line at one of them loving him for some reason. "We aren't even the same species."
"Well, Twilight is known to be… a deviant," Rainbow Dash said, licking her lips.
Obama desperately wanted to end this conversation.
"Okay, I just made that up, but really, you should go for it!" Rainbow Dash said.
"You're a convicted criminal. Forgive me if I don't follow your advice," Obama replied, and left.
"What was that about?" Scootaloo asked.
"Rainbow Dash trying to give me relationship advice," Obama said.
Scootaloo stared at him. "You turned it down, right?"
"Of course," Obama said. "Can't anyone see that, especially after Rarity, I'm not interested in ponies?" Obama looked at Sweetie Belle. "No offense."
"None taken," she replied, eager at any chance to disassociate herself with Rarity.
They all walked home.
Nothing exciting happened.
Nothing at all.
This paragraph is not lying at all.
– – – –
"Twilight!" Spike said. "Letter from the Princess!"
"What is it this time?" Twilight groaned, snatching the scroll from Spike. She unrolled it to reveal two tickets and a letter that said nothing but "have fun" in large letters accompanied by a doodle of Celestia sticking her tongue out.
"This stopped being funny, like, the third time," Twilight said, facehoofing. "She knows I have four friends and Rarity, so why can't she just send six tickets!?"
Then Twilight got an idea.
"You don't have to give that ticket to me, silly!" Pinkie Pie grated through a trash can. "The best part of a party is sneaking in! And the best part of the Gala is not going! So try someone else!"
– – – –
"Aw, wouldn't you know it," Rainbow Dash said, drawing a smart phone with a calendar app open on her wrist, "I've got a thing to do at a place that day. Wish I could make it, though!"
– – – –
"Okay, no offense, sugarcube," Applejack said, "but the business is horrible, the dancing worse, but everyone's snooty. Ask someone else."
– – – –
Fluttershy started muttering incomprehensible curses at the Canterlot garden and walked away.
– – – –
"What? Are you kidding? Like I would want to go to that stupid Gala after what happened last year!" Rarity yelled, slamming the door.
Twilight smiled.
Exactly as planned.
– – – –
"You wanted to see me, T—" Obama said as he entered the library, then stopped.
Twilight figured especially after Rarity, candles would be too erotic, so she had lit up the library with floating torches.
It was not having the intended effect. "Okay, what's going on?" Obama asked, not quite sure if she was planning on killing him, seducing him, or both.
"I'll get straight to the point," Twilight said. She produced the two tickets. "Would you like to go to the Grand Galloping Gala with me?"
"Oh god," Obama gaped. "Rainbow Dash was right."
Twilight was going to ask, but then remembered it was Rainbow Dash, and thus, probably incomprehensible bullshit. "Now before you jump to conclusions, remember the Gala takes place in Canterlot Castle. I used to live there, but you've never even seen the place. This is the perfect chance to do some recon. No one will suspect a thing."
Obama blinked. That was surprisingly practical.
"And," Twilight said, "I'm pretty sure I can get you a document that will let you go wherever you want in the castle."
Obama smiled. "Okay, you've got my interest."
"All you need is to meet me in front of the library 10 AM tomorrow in a tux," Twilight said, and, upon noticing the look of worry on Obama's face, added, "and don't worry, I've already taken care of the tux. It'll be delivered to town hall tonight."
"Thank you," Obama replied.
"But remember…"
– – – –
"…this isn't a date," Twilight said in her fancy dress as the two sat alone in a horse-drawn carriage. "Oh, and you're paying for everything."
Obama did a double take. "What!? With what money!?"
"It was just a joke," Twilight said, laughing. "You've got to stop looking so tense. People will think you're up to something."
"I thought you said this dance was infamous for its tension," Obama said.
"Okay then, you've got to stop looking so calm, or people will think you're up to something," Twilight shrugged. "I guess it makes sense, you're probably going to be the only human there."
"What!?"
"Well, most of the humans have been booted from Ponyville for some crime or another," Twilight said. "It's rare that anyone normal enough to attend royal functions comes around, so everyone jumped at the opportunity to have you there. That's the only reason getting you free reign over the castle was so easy, I can assure you." She gestured towards Obama's document.
"So, in a sense," Obama said, "I'm representing the humans?"
"That's right."
Obama really wished Twilight had told him this earlier.
"Oh, look, we're almost there!" Twilight said, looking out the window.
Obama wondered if Twilight had some ulterior motive for this trip.
Twilight wondered if Obama wondered if she had some ulterior motive for this trip.
Obama wondered if it would change anything if Twilight wondered if he was wondering about her.
Twilight wondered if Obama wondered if she wondered about him wondering, and thought about how cute it would be if he was.
They had some trust issues.
The ponies pulling the carriage wondered if they would ever shut up in there.
– – – –
"Hello, my little—" Celestia started, but then noticed Obama. "…things. Welcome to the Grand Galloping Gala!"
Everyone cheered, with much elegance, of course, and went out to mingle.
"Long time no see, Twilight," Celestia said. "And this is the infamous Obama, I take it?"
"Infamous?" Obama said, glaring at Twilight, the only person he knew in contact with the Princess.
"Infamous?" Twilight said, glaring at Obama for glaring at her.
"Oh, it's nothing, I just wanted to see what he would admit to if I called him that," Celestia said, putting on her best trollface.
"Princess ," Twilight said, clearly irritated.
They both laughed awkwardly.
Obama stared in horror. She was worse than he could've imagined.
"So," Celestia said, getting uncomfortably close to Obama. "I hear you used to be a leader."
"That's right," Obama said. "Former community organizer, right here!"
"I notice you're trying to play down your presidency," Celestia said. "You aren't planning on overthrowing me or anything, are you?"
Obama froze. "What."
Celestia smiled. "Oh, don't worry, I ask everyone that," she laughed. "Isn't that right, Twilight?"
"It's true, sadly," Twilight groaned, trying to dodge the princess's noogie.
"Would you believe I had to go through five students before they didn't admit to some horrible assassination plot as soon as I asked that? Good thing I put them in the dungeon before they could do any real damage. So, anyway," Celestia said with a segue as forced as Obama and Twilight's romantic tension, "me and Twilight have a lot to catch up on, so you just enjoy yourself, Obama! There's cookies and punch by the door! Tootles!" She dragged Twilight away, slapping her on the butt on the way up some stairs.
Obama stood there with his mouth hanging open for a couple seconds.
"Met the princess, I see?"
Obama turned around.
"Hey," Trixie said. "You get used to it pretty quick. Punch?"
"Aren't we supposed to be mortal enemies or something?" Obama said.
"I wouldn't wish Celestia on my worst enemy," Trixie said. "Especially since my worst enemy is her star pupil."
"Twilight?"
Trixie nodded. "That bitch destroyed my stage show and I'm going to get her back for it if it's the end of me!" she yelled. She looked at Obama. "You're cool, though. You haven't done anything bad yet."
Obama resented the "yet."
Trixie started looking into the crowd. "Oh, and Trump is here, if you want to avoid him." When she turned around, Obama was already gone.
She smiled, then started hitting on Prince Blueblood to convince herself she wasn't harboring a secret lust for Twilight.
As usual, it didn't work.
– – – –
Twilight laid awkwardly splayed out on the bed. "P-Princess? Is this legal?"
"Twilight," Celestia replied, "I write the laws." She held up a pitcher. "Punch?"
"It's spiked, isn't it?"
"Of course not!" Celestia said, and Twilight took a sip. "My punch has so much alcohol people spike it with normal punch."
Twilight tried to spit it out, but to her chagrin she was already completely intoxicated.
"Now let me show you what you do with that much alcohol…"
– – – –
Obama looked around. Good. He couldn't see the Donald anywhere.
Unfortunately, he couldn't see any landmarks he recognized either.
Well, now was as good a time as any to explore the castle. He pulled out the document letting him go wherever he wanted and read it to himself again.
"He's with me. He's cool.
– Twilight Sparkle"
He wished the document was more official, but Twilight assured him that's how they handled things in Canterlot.
He put it away and looked around. There was a large window in front of him, and he figured that would help him get his bearings. He looked outside and saw that he was about 30 floors up from where he was talking with Trixie.
Considering he did not remember climbing up any stairs or slopes, that worried him. He made a mental note to ask Twilight about it later. It would not surprise him if the castle had magic to confuse intruders.
He started wandering around again. He went through dozens of identical looking hallways, each in a wildly different part of the castle even though he was walking in a straight line. He started to lose faith in his ability to get back to society, let alone find anything that would be useful for his goals.
But then he noticed he was standing in front of a door that was labeled "Royal Documents." He approached it and nervously grabbed the doorknob.
"Halt!" a guard said. "Who goes there?"
"It is I, Obama," Obama said with as much authority as he could muster without a teleprompter. "I have documentation," he said, producing it. "It has the royal seal." He hoped they wouldn't notice the wet, sticky lipstick mark next to it. He couldn't get that thing out no matter what he tried, and whenever he tried asking Twilight about it, she dodged the question.
The guard examined the letter closely, and sniffed it a couple times. When he was satisfied, he handed the letter back to Obama and said, "Enter."
Obama entered the room. There were shelves full of documents as far as the eye could see. He wasn't sure where to start, so he began walking around randomly. He quickly stumbled onto the section with documents on the human world's TV show about this world. He began thumbing through some of those out of curiosity.
The information was disorganized at best, and contained various combinations of interviews with humans, extracted data from electronic devices people happened to have with them when they came here, and wild speculation. It was clearly meant to be organized later, something reinforced by the multiple scribbles of "to do: organize" in the margins. After noticing the fanfiction section, which was sorted by how much pornographic content the story contained instead of alphabetically, Obama decided there were more productive sections to look at.
He started looking around for the most confidential documents he could find.
Then he saw it.
"Perfect," he said to himself, taking the document to a nearby desk.
– – – –
Meanwhile, Twilight was pretty sure she had destroyed the economy of the Griffon Kingdom.
Twilight, trying to forget about the international espionage she was reasonably sure she participated in, and the contraceptive she was reasonably sure she had to take as a result of it, awkwardly tried to mingle in the party.
"Oh, hi, Big Mac! I haven't seen you in forever!" Twilight said. "Ever since… *coughcough* youranoffandbecameapornstar *coughcough* …no one has seen you much." There was an awkward pause. "How's that going, anyway?"
"Do you really want to know?" Big Mac replied.
"Not really," Twilight lied. "So, other than that, what have you been doing?"
"Actually," he replied, "I just dropped by Ponyville the other day."
"Really?"
"Applejack was distraught about something, so I came down," he said. Becoming a porn star somehow made him more verbose. "Something seemed to have really traumatized her, but she said she couldn't tell me what was."
"Yeah," Twilight said, remembering they were forced to agree to a Pinkie Promise about the Pinkie Pie incident. Then she remembered something else. "That reminds me, I'm really sorry. You know, about your parents. I just found out."
"No, it's okay."
"I didn't know the humans could do that…"
Big Mac raised an eyebrow. "What? The humans?"
Twilight looked up at Big Mac quizzically. "I heard that some humans killed your parents."
He blinked. "Well, you heard wrong. They're still missing."
"What?"
"In fact, right as I was leaving, Applejack said she was going to the library to ask if you would heard anything."
Twilight already knew the answer, but she asked anyways. "When was this?"
"Last Thursday."
Twilight ran off as fast as her legs would carry her. "Not good… not good… not good…" she panted. "Got to find—"
At that point, she crashed headfirst into something.
Unfortunately, it turned out to be Celestia.
"What were you talking about?" Celestia asked.
Twilight panicked. "Oh, sorry, I was… just catching up, yeah," she stammered.
"What's wrong? Did you accidentally brainwash one of your friends again?" Celestia said.
Twilight really wished Celestia would stop doing that.
"Anyway, we found this one lost in the castle," Celestia said, producing Obama. "You really should have told him space folds in on itself here before he started wandering around."
"Sorry," Twilight said.
"No, it's my fault," Obama said. "I shouldn't have wandered off."
"It doesn't matter to me, just you probably wouldn't want to be stuck in this castle alone with me in the middle of the night," Celestia said. "Anyway, enjoy the party!"
Obama waited for Celestia to be a good distance away and whispered to Twilight.
"So, did you find anything?"
"Yeah, you?"
"Yeah."
"…"
"…"
"She's listening, isn't she?"
"I can hear you, you know!" Celestia yelled from an indeterminable distance away.
"We'll meet up later," Twilight groaned. "Let's try to enjoy the dance."
"The Donald and Trixie are here."
"Then we have a reasonable excuse to go somewhere private. Come on, I know this castle like the back of my hand, er, hoof."
Obama was sure this was leading to something needlessly romantic, but he couldn't argue with an opportunity to get away from the Donald. Twilight started leading Obama through the castle. Obama tried to pay attention and figure out how the castle was laid out, but he quickly gave up. Corridors became other corridors depending on what directions you entered them, walls moved, doors led to rooms that you had just exited… it was utterly impossible to figure out. The experience felt like a Studio Ghibli movie under slightly more drugs. After entering a cabinet and finding a balcony overlooking the dance inside, the two sat down.
Obama tried to figure out how that worked. "Wait, but didn't we—"
"You know the Pinkie Pie rule?"
Obama thought back. "Don't question it, it's Pinkie Pie?"
"We have the same rule here in Canterlot, but about the Canterlot castle," Twilight said. "Rumor has it Celestia outsourced construction to a mental institution." She thought about it. "Or Discord. Same thing, really."
"How long have you known Celestia?"
"My whole life," Twilight said. "I looked up to her when I was little, and when she saw my power, she just took me in." She paused. "I've never really thought about it, but now…"
She stopped and rested her head on Obama.
They sat in silence for a while.
"…I know I have to go through with this."
– – – –
The dance now over, Obama and Twilight began to head out. On the way, Celestia awkwardly worked her way in their group and started reminiscing, also awkwardly.
"…but that's nothing compared to when Twilight first learned how to cl—"
"Anyway, nice weather out tonight, isn't it!?" Twilight butted in before the rating of this story had to be raised to mature.
"So," Obama said, trying and inevitably failing to redirect the conversation, "do you have anything not about Twilight to talk about?"
"Well, just today I destroyed our neighboring country's economy!" Celestia said. "Although technically, Twilight was involved in that too. You see, it's a really bad idea to put your country's water supply right…"
"Okay, maybe we can get back to Twilight?" Obama suggested, horrified.
"It was almost like that one time Twilight tortured Trixie and erased her own memory of it!" Celestia said, giggling.
Twilight started laughing, then froze. "Wait, what?"
"Oh, you forgot about that? Well, makes sense," Celestia said. "Well, anyways, see you kids! I've got royal duties to attend to!" She proceeded to shove the two into their carriage, which promptly sped off.
Twilight and Obama just sat there for a bit.
Obama decided to ask the obvious. "Did you really…?"
"That's Celestia for you," Twilight replied, answering the question. "She could probably talk Pinkie Pie into committing suicide if she was alone with her long enough."
"What a piece of work," Obama snapped, then noticed Twilight's eyes widen. "You think she's listening?"
"She's listening," Twilight immediately replied. "Let's just… not talk."
"Agreed."
They sat in silence again, except this time it was much less touching.
– – – –
"Thank you, Twilight. That was fun, and potentially useful," Obama said. "I have something important I have to do, so I can't stay."
"Something important?" Twilight replied. She looked up at the night sky. "You mean sleep?"
"Yeah, that," Obama lied. "Bye!"
And he was off.
Twilight wondered about Obama.
Obama was too preoccupied to continue the chain. Once he was sure he was out of Twilight's vision, Obama sped up his pace until he was finally sprinting. He pulled out a document from his shirt. He was glad no one had found it. He knew what he had to do.
Obama ran up to Applejack's house and started obnoxiously banging on the door. After a while, a very annoyed Applejack answered.
"WHAT THE HAY!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!?" she screamed. Then she noticed it was Obama. "Oh, wait, it's you." A pause. "Wait, that doesn't change anything! WHAT THE HAY!?"
"I found a secret document you need to see," Obama loudly whispered.
Applejack tried to figure what was going on in a half-asleep stupor. "What? Secret what? From where? From town hall? Is Mayor Mayor raising sales tax again?"
"From Canterlot castle," Obama said.
"From… what," Applejack replied. "Oh, wait, the Gala! Yeah! The Gala is in Canterlot Castle! …wait…"
"I snuck around the castle and found it," Obama said.
"You what!? Isn't that dangerous? No, wait, don't answer that. Hell yeah it's dangerous! Why would you do that!? And then you come here, raise a ruckus, and get us involved!? Thanks a lot!"
Apple Bloom tumbled down the stairs, wakened by all the yelling. "What's going on, big sis?"
Applejack turned around. "Oh, nothing, there's just this idiot at our door," she said.
"Oh… okay… I thought it was something unusual…" Apple Bloom yawned, heading back up.
"Let's get somewhere private," Applejack said. "If you risked life and limb show me this, it better damn well be important."
– – – –
Twilight stood there, in front of her house, wondering what to do.
Something seemed up with Obama. She couldn't quite put her horn on it, but he seemed to be hiding something. What could it be? He kept fidgeting around and not having Rarity flashbacks.
Then she remembered. His declaration of love for Applejack. He said it was a prank Rainbow Dash put him up to, which, in all honesty, sounded like something she would do, but Twilight wasn't convinced. And after tonight, with the delicate atmosphere of the dance and very high possibility Celestia spiked the punch with something…
Twilight ran to Applejack's house. If he was going anywhere, it was there, she was sure of it. Once there, she saw Apple Bloom, tired and irritated, sticking her head out a window.
"Hey! Hey!" Twilight whispered. "Has Obama dropped by here?"
"Yeah, and woke me up with all his yelling, too. Those two need to get a room," Apple Bloom replied. "Right now they're 'somewhere private.' "
Twilight stared at Apple Bloom.
"So behind that tree over there."
"Thanks!" Twilight said, and quietly ran to the tree. Maybe she could scrounge up a threesome out of this. She could live with that.
– – – –
"So what is this document?" Applejack asked.
"Here," Obama said, handing it to her. "Read for yourself."
Applejack opened what here, we would call a manila folder, and there, we would also call a manila folder, because honestly there isn't much to work with for horse puns there.
"Hit… order…" Applejack read, then looked worried. "Should I really be reading this?"
"Keep reading."
"For two earth ponies known as…" Applejack stopped. "My parents."
A silence filled the clearing.
Applejack kept reading. "Removing them will be of political benefit, as it increases the chance their daughter will become the Element of Honesty, which…" She paused. "Are you sure this is real?"
"Look," Obama said, pointing to a corner of the document. "The royal seal."
Applejack examined it closely, and when she was satisfied, set the document down. "So… Celestia is the reason why my family…"
"Yeah."
"Just so she could have more power."
"Yes."
Applejack inhaled.
"She's… going down." She looked at Obama. "I need some time alone."
Obama stood up. "Okay."
He went outside. He smiled.
Then he saw Twilight.
Next thing he knew, they were inside the library.
– – – –
Twilight stared at Obama with unreadable eyes. "Obama, the royal seal isn't that design," she said. "It's the lipstick mark."
"What?"
"I heard everything."
Obama froze.
"It's one of the first things people fall for when they try to forge documents," Twilight explained, walking around. "What's harder to forge, a stamp or the princess's lips?"
Obama swallowed.
Twilight walked up to Obama. "Tell me," she said. "You forged that document, didn't you?"
"It… was necessary," he replied.
Twilight turned away.
"There's no way we can do this if we don't play hardball!" Obama yelled. "You know how Celestia is!"
"Applejack's parents weren't killed by humans," Twilight said.
"What?"
"You remember the Somebody Else's Problem field I set up when we planned all this?" Twilight said. "Where anyone going to the library would blame their problem on something else and go away?"
"What are you getting at?"
"That day, Applejack went to the library to ask me about her parents," Twilight said. She turned back towards Obama. "Do you understand!? Her parents getting murdered is a fake memory, implanted by my spell! And now that you've created physical evidence for it, I can't remove it!"
"Well, it worked, didn't it? She's on our side now!" Obama said.
"We could have done anything else! Anything! But you didn't even tell me about this!" Twilight yelled. "I thought you trusted me! And I wouldn't be half as a mad if you weren't so sloppy about it! I mean, what if anyone else came to Applejack's house? What then? And when did you do this? In the royal record room, when you were 'wandering around?' Who knows what kind of surveillance is in there, and what kind of evidence you left behind that could lead to us!"
Obama was silent.
"I'm still in for overthrowing Celestia, but if you get caught, that's no longer any of my business," Twilight said. "And if I find a way to restore Applejack's memories without screwing things up more, I'm going to do it, am I clear?"
Obama nodded.
"Now get out."
Obama left.
Twilight sighed. Spike walked down the stairs. "Uh, did I just hear what I—"
"If you even breathe a word of this to anyone, I'm setting Fluttershy loose on you," Twilight grunted.
Spike stayed silent.
❂ Anti-Celestia Anonymous ❂
Twilight stretched and yawned, still tired from the previous night. As she did, a paper flitted down from her forehead. Wondering what it was, she unfolded and read it.
"ACA. 5 PM. Sweet Apple Acres."
She scratched her head, wondering what it meant.
Spike came in with breakfast.
"Did you put this paper on me?" Twilight asked.
"No," he replied. "What is that?"
Twilight thought about it. The paper could have been teleported there by magic, but she was the only one nearby skilled enough to do that. Did she give anyone her spare key recently? And just what was the ACA? Angel Cakes Anonymous? Always Catapult Apples? Anti-Celestia Anonymous?
………
Nah, it couldn't be.
"Spike, mark the calendar for this," she said, handing the paper to him. "I'm curious about this ACA."
"Sure thing," Spike said, taking the paper. When he saw the address, he paused. "What's going to happen to Applejack?"
"What?"
"You said she thinks Celestia murdered her parents now. Aren't you going to fix that?"
Twilight glared at him, then sighed. "I can't think of anything that wouldn't make everything worse. When Obama forged that document, it strengthened the fake memory. Undoing the spell could cause a mental collapse. And that's not even getting into all the people she might've told."
"That… doesn't sound good," Spike said. He tried to find a positive angle. "You'll think of something, I'm sure of it."
"Don't worry, we have some time," Twilight said. "As long as Applejack doesn't show the entire town that document, it shouldn't get too bad."
– – – –
Twilight really should have known better than to say things like that.
"I'm sure you're all wondering why I've gathered you here, so I'll get straight to the point," Applejack said into a jerry-rigged microphone that just screamed 'Vinyl Scratch.' "I'm sure you have all harbored your doubts about Celestia." The crowd stirred. "Admit it, it's true. Even if it's tiny. But listen to me. Just like you, I convinced myself it was meaningless… until I found this." She held up the document.
That document.
Twilight gaped.
"A hit order, by Celestia, on my parents!"
The crowd murmured. Twilight really hoped she wouldn't mention the fake royal seal.
"And you can tell it's legitimate because of the royal seal!"
Twilight swore under her breath and looked around. Did anyone else in Ponyville know about the real royal seal? Who would know that? Most likely… anyone who had been to Canterlot recently. Someone Celestia would trust. So probably one of the Elements.
Then she realized.
Rarity was the only pony she knew who fit that description.
Twilight stared daggers at Rarity, sweat forming on her brow. She was too stupid to remember something like that, even if Celestia told her, right? Right?
"Excuse me?" Rarity yelled over the crowd. She waited for the noise to die down. "That document isn't real. Last time I was in Canterlot, Celestia told me to be sure to remember the real royal seal was her lipstick mark."
Twilight froze.
"Come on, are you serious? Celestia was probably pulling your tail," Applejack said. "You know what she's like."
Rarity thought about it. "You know, that does make more sense," she said, and the crowd went back to murmuring.
Twilight couldn't believe she hadn't thought of that. Then she started wondering if the royal seal actually was the lipstick mark, but figured second-guessing herself that much was a bad idea.
"The point is, we have to do something about this," Applejack said. "We've lived under Celestia's tyranny too long. Think about it. Remember last time a royal law inconvenienced you. Remember the last time she inconvenienced you. I'm sure you got something."
The crowd found new fervor.
"Now that you mention it, I'm not allowed to sell amounts of roses that aren't prime numbers!"
"She tortures my family if I don't wear a hat every other Tuesday."
"Why does Rarity get away with raping everyone?"
"I'm a serial killer, but she pardoned me under the condition I told everyone I met I'm supposed to be in jail."
"It's illegal to turn down her sexual advances or tell anyone about it afterwards! …wait, shit."
Twilight looked on in amazement. Despite the document fiasco, this couldn't be going better if she tried.
"So what do we do, Applejack?!"
"Yeah! What do we do?"
"Isn't it obvious?" she said, her tone getting darker. "We have to overthrow Celestia."
"How?"
"Yeah! How?"
Applejack gestured to the barn. "There's pitchforks over there. Let's take them and show her who's boss!"
Everyone started clamoring towards the barn.
"Okay, WAIT A SECOND!" Twilight screamed over the commotion. Everyone stopped, not really because they respected her authority, but more because they respected her ability to brainwash and possibly kill the town without breaking a sweat. "You can't overthrow Celestia right now!"
"And why not, her faithful student?" Applejack sneered. "Think she can do no wrong?"
"Try me," Twilight replied.
"That what's your problem?"
Twilight took a couple seconds to compose herself. "You cannot overthrow Celestia with pitchforks! "
"They shoot fire."
Twilight thought about it. "Okay, that helps a bit."
"And I'm bringing my monster truck."
"That's… okay, that's pretty good, but still!" Twilight said. "It's not enough! We need a plan!"
"Oh really? Tell me, Twilight, do you remember why all the other overthrowing attempts have failed? Come on, everyone learns it in school."
Twilight grimaced, knowing exactly where this was headed.
"They spent so much time planning that they never got to the overthrowing!" Applejack yelled. "I'm not letting this slip away like that! And we have something they don't—the element of surprise! If we decide to invade spur of the moment, there's no way Celestia can see that coming!"
Twilight lost control. "Oh really? That's what you think?" she seethed. "Because let me tell you about Celestia. She sees everything coming. As soon as she looks you in the eye, she knows exactly what you're doing and exactly how to manipulate you into stopping. Over 2000 years, you think she hasn't seen more than enough assassination attempts to know them in and out? Because that's what this is, if you and your ragtag army didn't figure it out. Assassination. You can't overthrow Celestia without killing her, because if you don't, no matter what you think you've done, she will find you, and she will make you pay."
The crowd froze.
"And did I mention she's immortal? Or that there's no known way of killing her? Well, of course, she wouldn't want anyone knowing that! And she controls all the presses, so who knows what we know about her is true? And, oh, even if you do succeed, this is the best part, her raising the sun isn't just some PR bullshit. She literally raises the sun. How long do you think Equestria would survive without sunlight? Remember Nightmare Moon? Or did you not think that far ahead?"
"Yeah, but we can't just sit around doing nothing!" Applejack screamed back, defeated. She slumped on the ground, unable to argue with Twilight. "I… can't just sit around and do nothing…"
Twilight looked at her friend. She had never seen Applejack in such a state. She wanted, desperately wanted to break the spell then, but she knew it would only make things worse.
She looked at the now silent crowd. They looked terrified, as if their mere presence at the meeting spelled their death. Somehow, their thoughts had changed. As soon as Applejack planted the tiniest doubt in their minds, the hate spread through them like a wave. All it took was the tiniest doubt.
Just like her. As soon as Obama planted the tiniest doubt, her faith in Celestia faded away, just like it was a spell.
A spell.
A spell…
Suddenly, it all made sense.
Twilight choked.
It was just a spell.
She decided.
She knew she had to take this opportunity.
"Did I say that? Did I say to sit around and do nothing?" Twilight said, breaking the silence. "I'm saying… if we're going to do this, we need to do it right."
Applejack gaped. "What? You're on our side?"
"That's right. And I don't think you want to turn down help from the closest pony to Celestia in Equestria."
The crowd murmured an excitement, but Applejack was more wary.
"Fine," she said, "but if you don't have anything by a month, I'm storming the castle myself if I have to."
"Fine with me," Twilight said. "I doubt I could stop you." She grabbed the microphone. "We will meet here same time next week. If you're interested, come. See you then."
The crowd dispersed. Obama walked up to her.
"You happy?" Twilight said.
"Very," he replied. "You think you're up for this?"
"It's too late to back out now," she said. "And don't worry. I'm fine. Totally fine."
– – – –
She was definitely not fine.
"What am I going to do? What am I going to do!?" Twilight panicked, back at the library. "I can't believe I just did that. Did I just agree to lead the anti-Celestia resistance? I did, didn't I? And if I don't figure out how to artificially raise the sun, the holy grail of Equestrian science, in a month, then Applejack goes on a suicide mission! Could things get any worse!?"
The radar started beeping.
"Twilight! It's another human!"
Twilight raised her hooves in the air. "FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU—"
"Fluttershy," Twilight said, exasperated, "I know everyone's worried about me, but I'm telling you, I don't need another lab assistant. Spike is enough." She spread out some papers. "You can go home. Really, I can manage on my—gah!" She hit the table, sending a vial falling off.
Fluttershy threw a knife and impaled it on the opposite wall.
Twilight looked at the scene in shock. "How the hell did you not break th—no, never mind, this is exactly what I was talking about. If there was actually anything dangerous in that vial, we'd be dead!" She grew frustrated. "You don't impale vials with knives! That's like, lab safety 101! Well, not impaling vials with knives specifically, but you should be able to figure that out!"
Fluttershy apologized.
"No, it's okay," Twilight said, wiping up the mess with some old letters from Celestia. "Maybe you can help a little. Do you know anything about science?"
Fluttershy produced a homemade hand grenade.
"AAAH!" Twilight panicked and teleported it away. In the distance, she heard an explosion. "Uh," she said, "I think I just blew up your yard. Is that okay?"
Fluttershy said it would do a great job of disposing of the corpses.
"Okay, cool," Twilight said. "Hey, listen. I'm trying to think of ways to power this thing and I'm totally stumped. You got any ideas?"
Fluttershy suggested powering it with the souls of the recently departed.
"Not that that's a bad idea, but we'd run out of souls too fast," Twilight said. "You know what, actually, that is a bad idea. I know because I had a similar one. I was thinking of mining energy from parallel universes, but it turns out it would destroy those worlds completely, so that isn't an option."
Fluttershy was totally cool with that plan.
"Yeah, but no one else is," Twilight said, getting increasingly frustrated. "Argggh, it's not like I can just make it a giant windup clock or something…"
She paused.
"Wait…"
– – – –
"Oh, Rainbow Dash…"
"Oh, Applejack…"
"Oh, Twilight…"
Rainbow Dash pushed away. "Wait, what did you just call me?"
"Uh, nothing," Applejack said. "I'm not harboring a secret lust for Twilight at all. No siree." She made her 'bad at lying' face.
Rainbow Dash stared at her.
Applejack grinned. "Just kidding."
"Thought so. That would be stupid."
They got back to business.
For literally no reason whatsoever, inside one of the Sweet Apple Acres outhouses, Rainbow Dash and Applejack were engaged in epic tongue to tongue combat. Because that is apparently a real metaphor real shipping authors use. They disengaged, panting.
"Looks like it's a draw," Applejack said, "again."
"Well," Rainbow Dash said, "that was awesome."
"Way to break the mood," Applejack said, rolling her eyes, as if making out in an outhouse was erotic at all.
"It's nice to have some alone time with all this overthrowing Celestia nonsense."
"Yeah. Especially secret alone time."
Since this story runs on Murphy's Law, it was shortly interrupted by some random pony outside. "Hey, Rainbow Dash, Twilight wants to see you at the library!"
Applejack and Rainbow Dash stared at each other.
"Who was that?"
"I don't know!"
"Did you tell anyone?"
"Of course not!"
"Well!"
"Well what?"
"Deflect them! "
"Rainbow Dash?" Applejack yelled from inside the outhouse. "She isn't anywhere near here! It's just me, all alone, dropping a… number two or something."
"Oh, come on," the voice said. "The whole town knows."
Applejack and Rainbow Dash's faces sunk.
"Celestia has a video collection. That outhouse is bugged."
Applejack and Rainbow Dash screamed and burst outside.
"We're so sorry, princess!" Applejack yelled. "That was a joke earlier, I swear!"
"You idiot!" Rainbow Dash said. "If she has a video collection she obviously enjoys it!"
"Oh! I mean," Applejack said, thrusting her rear end in the outhouse's general direction, "how do you like that? Huh?"
Rainbow Dash facehoofed.
Roseluck, the mysterious other pony, smiled. "…or maybe not."
"Well thanks for getting us worked up over nothing!" Applejack screamed.
"Oh, and you might need this." Roseluck threw something at Rainbow Dash, who instinctively caught it.
"This… is a condom," she said, eyeing it in increasing confusion.
"Fluttershy knows about your little affair and has been sneaking male hormones to Applejack."
"AH! AH!" Applejack screamed as both of them frantically examined her nether regions.
Roseluck smiled. "…or maybe not. But that sure killed the mood, didn't it?" She walked off laughing.
"Stuck up flower peddling bitch," Rainbow Dash muttered. "Literally."
"You'd better go and see Twilight," Applejack said, still examining herself.
"Uh, yeah…"
– – – –
"You wanted to see me?" Rainbow Dash said.
"Yeah. Sorry about, well, you know, but it was the quickest way," Twilight said. "I've been making some breakthroughs in the research here, and… there are some parts I think you should know."
"First, I've got a question."
"Shoot."
"Do you think Celestia bugs outhouses?"
Twilight laughed. "Don't be stupid, Rainbow Dash."
Rainbow Dash sighed in relief.
"Of course she bugs outhouses."
Rainbow Dash froze.
"Why? You didn't start chanting 'death to Celestia' on the toilet or something, did you?"
"Um. So ," Rainbow Dash said, desperate to change the subject, "about your research…"
"Well, I think I figured out how to rotate the sky, but the problem is power," Twilight said, walking over to some parts she had lying around. "Right now I can move the sky by, like, a centimeter, but anything more requires huge amounts of energy, and thus, a huge machine. So I've been looking into various ways of powering the thing."
"I thought you said you were mining energy from the earth or something."
"Yeah, but you need some energy to start that process," Twilight said. "Right now, the most practical way to do that seems to be the same thing the projector does. Kinetic energy."
Rainbow Dash looked confused. "What? You mean like… someone has to wind the thing up?"
"Sort of," Twilight said. "You remember how you turn the projector on, right?"
"Yeah, you wind it up with that little lever on the side, the thing starts rumbling, and then you have to take your hoof off really, really quick or it gives you a little shock, and…" Rainbow Dash's face fell. "Oh."
"Yeah."
Rainbow Dash thought about this. "And your machine would work about the same except…"
"Bigger."
"Yeah, bigger."
Twilight paused. "And it would do a lot more than just shock you."
They were silent.
"I assume you realize what this means," Twilight said.
Rainbow Dash looked pensive. "Are you sure there's no other way?"
"The alternatives are worse. I considered mining energy from alternate dimensions, but we might start destroying other worlds if we do that. I'm assuming that isn't an option." Rainbow Dash nodded. "Not to mention, I know this technique works since the projector already uses it. I can't tell you how much simpler that makes everything."
"But… couldn't you at least wind it up with magic?"
"I tried. Magic appears to interact strangely with this type of energy." She looked to the left. "Remember that wall?"
"What are you talking about?" Rainbow Dash said. "That's always been there."
"Apparently not. Look at this." Twilight produced photographs of the gang in the library, the wall clearly absent.
Rainbow Dash stared at the photos, then the wall. "Okay, you're right, that's weird."
"And I'm pretty sure I locked a fruit fly in some kind of infinite time loop," Twilight said, looking at a fly that was repeatedly flying in the same pattern over and over and over.
"Huh," Rainbow Dash got out.
"So obviously that's impractical on a large scale," Twilight said. "We might end up erasing Equestria's existence or something."
Rainbow Dash looked down. "So that's it, then."
"Yeah. I don't have time to look into every alternative, especially when the alternatives are this dangerous," Twilight said. She paused. "You do understand that it would have to be done every single day , without fail. The only other pegasi I could think of were the Wonderbolts, but…"
"I couldn't ask that of them," Rainbow Dash said. She quietly laughed. "I guess it's the price to pay for freedom, huh?"
Twilight looked at Rainbow Dash. She knew how much she was asking. "Do you want to know more?"
"No, I'm good," she replied. "Thanks for telling me."
"You're… you're welcome."
Rainbow Dash closed the door.
"What was that about?" Spike asked.
Twilight looked out the window, watching Rainbow Dash leave. "Think about it. If it's a bigger version of what the projector uses, how would you wind it up?"
"I don't know. A motor?"
"That needs power too. You need to start somewhere."
"A pony?"
Twilight looked at Spike. "And what if you need to wind it up incredibly fast and get out as soon as the machine starts powering up?"
"You need a pegasus! A really fast one!" Spike figured it out. "Oh."
Twilight looked out the window. "And you'd have to do it every day, or the sun wouldn't raise. You'd have to conserve your energy. Not do anything else. Because the fate of the world rests on your shoulders." Twilight smiled. "No one said this would be easy."
– – – –
Twilight got out of the library and stretched. Her friends were right, she did need to take more breaks. Also, the latest ACA meeting was about to start and she had a lot she needed to say for that. She knew overplanning things would lead to disaster, but things needed to get better than what they were.
Her train of thought was interrupted by bumping into somebody huge. She looked up, half expecting it to be Celestia. Fortunately, it wasn't.
Unfortunately, it was a royal guard.
"Sorry," Twilight said, subtly bowing.
"Hey, you're Twilight Sparkle, aren't you?" the guard said. "Since it's you, it's okay. If it was anyone else, we'd have to lock them in the dungeon."
"I hope you're joking."
"I wish I was."
Twilight smiled. She knew he was a real royal guard now, at least. "So what are you doing out here in the boonies?"
"Well, just between you and me," the guard whispered, "there's rumors that an insurrection group has started in this town."
Twilight froze. "A what?"
"An insurrection group. A group of people trying to overthrow the crown, you know?" the guard said, eyeing Twilight suspiciously. "Do you know anything about this?"
"Oh, come on. What are you talking about?" Twilight said, playing innocent. "Celestia put you up to this, didn't she? This is going to end with me saying I'm a master debater or something, right?"
"No, this is legit," the guard said. "We received an anonymous tip a couple days ago." His face grew serious. "Once again, do you know anything?"
"No, not at all," Twilight said. "I'm shocked."
"Well, if you hear anything, tell us," the guard said, and headed off, unconvinced.
Twilight smiled and walked away.
Something was wrong.
This didn't fit Celestia's modus operandi at all. If she knew about their group, she would either keep her knowledge a secret or they'd already be dead. There's no way she would send out such conspicuous guards, unless her mind games were already beginning.
More likely, the Royal Guard actually did receive the tip and was acting independently.
It was a gamble, but there was only one way to find out which.
"Uh, guard?" Twilight said, calling him back. "The truth is…"
– – – –
"Hello everyone," Twilight said. "Today I have some exciting news. Some of the Royal Guard have heard about our escapades and have decided to join. Welcome…!" She motioned for the two guards to say their names, but instead they just shook their heads. "…anonymous guards!"
The crowd uneasily clapped.
"So," Twilight said, pointing at one of the guards, "what was the final straw for you?"
He looked around uncomfortably.
"Come on, there's no way we'll trust you if you can't even badmouth her in private!" Twilight said. She winked at him, although at the angle she was at, it kind of looked like she was just winking at everyone. "Come on now, out with it!"
"Um," he said. "Sexcapade Sundays."
The crowd cringed in disgust, Twilight a little more so because she knew he wasn't kidding.
Twilight pointed to the other guard. "And you?"
"About the same."
"Okay then! Now that we've all been introduced, onto the first order of business," Twilight said. "Since Celestia is immortal, and we don't know what will kill her, we've just got to try everything. What do you think we should go for first, live vivisection or flamethrowers? Or both simultaneously? Tough choice."
The crowd murmured. The guards' faces contorted, caught between absolute horror and absolute laughter.
"I must say, wouldn't it be horrible if Celestia showed up, like, right now?" Twilight said, laughing. "That would be, like, really bad."
The crowd laughed nervously.
Twilight waited. She looked around.
No sign.
Without warning, she zapped the two guards with magic and froze them.
"Sorry about that," she said, calmly re-stacking some papers as the crowd looked upon the guardcicles in shock. "Those weren't actually new members. They were members of the Royal Guard sent down here to investigate. I convinced them I was playing double agent and letting them infiltrate the meeting."
Applejack reeled. "But doesn't that mean that Celestia knows?"
"Not necessarily," Twilight said. "That's what I was just testing. If Celestia was involved with this, she would keep much tighter watch over the guards, and would definitely not be able to resist some well-placed irony. That she didn't come out when I tempted fate proves she doesn't know."
"But the guards had to know somehow," Obama said. "Won't she find out eventually?"
"I believe we have a small layer of protection there," Twilight said, with a face making it clear she wasn't going to elaborate. "But that doesn't change that someone snitched. Someone here," Twilight leered at the crowd, "sent out an anonymous tip to the Royal Guard."
The crowd murmured again, because that's really all they were good for.
"We'll be interviewing everyone individually after the meeting," Twilight said. "For now, let's get back to the real topic of discussion. I wasn't kidding earlier with the vivisection question. We're going to need to try everything if we want to win this. If you have any ideas, any ideas at all, speak up." She paused, then acted like she remembered something. "And, I'd just like to remind everyone, before the questioning starts…" Twilight smiled. "I have spells for both."
– – – –
"Well, the meeting was productive, but the questioning sure wasn't," Applejack said. "Everyone said they weren't involved."
"And they weren't lying," Twilight said. "I had as many lie detector and memory reading spells as I could going. Aside from bizarre fetishes I have no desire to ever see again, no one's hiding anything. And anyone who was thinking of snitching stopped after I started talking about vivisecting Celestia."
"They must have skipped town," Rainbow Dash said. "I wonder who it was…?"
"Well, if they left after the first meeting they don't know anything important," Twilight said, walking off. "And no one's going to believe one guy saying the Elements of Harmony are inciting rebellion. I think it's safe to say this matter is closed."
– – – –
Not entirely.
In Sugarcube Corner, in the dead of night, a figure scurried across the floor. It grasped a walkie-talkie, causing a brief burst of static. They carefully turned it to the secret wavelength. Once they were sure, they began their transmission.
"Exactly as planned," Gummy said.
Suddenly a yellow hoof came out of nowhere and smashed Gummy against a wall.
"YOU… BUCKING… IDIOT!" Fluttershy screamed.
– – – –
"Hey, Fluttershy!" Berry Punch said. "Love the new bag. What is that, snakeskin? Where did you get it?"
Fluttershy said she skinned Pinkie Pie's pet alive to make it.
"That's cool. See you!"
Berry Punch suddenly remembered why she drank.
Author's Note
Twilight's question also applies to you! Post creative ways to kill Celestia in the comments, and the gang might just use them in the finale.
"Hi," Twilight said over the phone. It was one of the many technical advancements humans brought with them. "Some guards came by town yesterday investigating an insurrection group. I noticed Celestia wasn't involved. I'm assuming that was you."
"I wasn't going to tell her until we were absolutely sure," Shining Armor said. "Twily… tell me the truth. Did you have anything to do with this?"
"What?"
"When those guards came back, they said the tip turned out to be false, but… I know if you were involved you'd be too good to get caught." He paused. "Were you involved?"
"I didn't hide anything from the guards."
"Were you involved?"
Twilight paused.
"There's something going on but… it's beyond my control."
"Then we'll come back and—"
"No. Please, don't."
"Why?"
"Come on, Celestia doesn't need any help dealing with some small town insurrection group. And if you're there she might think you were involved. I wouldn't be able to stand that. Just… promise me that you'll stay in the Crystal Empire, okay?"
"Twily… why are you doing this?"
"What?"
"Now I know you're involved. If you're trying to keep me out of this, you have to be. Just tell me why." He paused. "If you have a good reason… I'll do what you say and leave well enough alone."
Twilight considered it. After taking a deep breath, she decided to oblige.
"Shining… there's something wrong with this country. Or maybe even this world. I don't know how I never noticed before… but I think that's part of it."
"What do you mean?"
"Tell me, what do you think of Celestia?"
"What does this—?"
"Just do it."
Shining Armor thought about it. "Well… she's kind of a prankster, but she's a wise ruler with our best interests in mind."
"Now let's say I had evidence she murdered Applejack's parents."
"You have what!?"
"Tell me what you think of Celestia again. Just do it."
Shining Armor considered his words. "Well, uh… she's kind of a prankster, but she's extremely intelligent, and knows what she's doing."
"You see what happened there?"
"What?"
"Your opinion on Celestia changed. As soon as I planted the smallest doubt, it changed, like a spell was being broken. I never said I had evidence she did that, but the mere idea was enough to wipe the idea of her being a 'wise ruler with our best interests in mind' from your mind."
Shining Armor was silent.
"If you think that was something special I did to you, try it on someone else. Trust me, it always works. And trust me, that isn't the only thing I found out, but the less you know the safer you are."
Shining Armor was silent.
"Shining?"
"I believe you," he said. "I'll stay out of this."
"Thank you."
He hung up.
Twilight set the phone down and headed out. No turning back now.
– – – –
"After a month of extensive research, I've finally managed to design a machine to raise the sun," Twilight said. "You all know what that means. We can move into our final phases of planning. If everything goes well, we should be able to strike Celestia next week. During this meeting, we'll go through everyone and see what skills they can offer. Any questions?"
"Yeah! New Lunar Republic!"
Twilight groaned and followed the annoying, grating voice to its source.
"Lyra," she said, "what have we told you about bringing humans to these meetings?"
"What? Come on, he's cool!" Lyra yelled back.
"No, he's an idiot, just like 90% of the other humans that've arrived here, and you vouching for him does not help," Twilight said. "We unanimously voted against involving humans for this exact reason. Out. Now."
"But—"
"Do you want me to list all the ways I can hurt you with magic again?"
They left.
"Now, any other questions?"
A hoof raised.
"Yes?" Twilight said.
"He has a point. Doesn't Princess Luna also rule us?"
Twilight gestured to the bouncers, because apparently they have bouncers now. They took the pony and threw him outside.
"Any questions that aren't stupid?"
No one dared speak.
"Now before we get started," Twilight said. "I want to make sure everyone here is on the same page. If you have any doubts whatsoever about what we're doing, leave now, and we won't hurt you."
Twilight looked at her friends. They didn't budge an inch, except for Pinkie Pie, who existed in all spaces simultaneously.
"Let her burn," Applejack said.
That was enough for everyone else.
"Okay then," Twilight said. "Let's figure out who can do what. Anyone got any special skills they've been hiding?"
Rarity piped up. "I can tie peo—"
"Yes, we know, Rarity. I said that skills we've been hiding ," Twilight said.
The room was silent.
"Well, if no one else will say it I will," Rarity said. "Fluttershy can handle infiltration or something. She has magic powers that let her talk her way out of anything."
"Come on, that's ridiculous. Fluttershy doesn't have magic powers that let her talk her way out of anything," Twilight said. "Only unicorns have magic powers."
"Oh yeah?" Rarity said. "Tell me, what happened the last time you were at Fluttershy's house."
Twilight thought back. "She raped me with a carrot."
"And why haven't you gotten pissed at her like you get pissed at me when I do stuff like that?"
"Because she apologized."
The room was silent.
"Wait, what!? Oh my freaking Celestia, you're right!" Twilight yelled. She whipped her head around towards Fluttershy. "Fluttershy! Why would you do that!?"
Fluttershy apologized.
"Oh, okay, well if that's—" Twilight stopped. "Dammit, Fluttershy! We'll discuss this later! You got anything else you need to tell us!?"
Fluttershy said Discord was her bitch now.
Twilight reeled. "Okay, well, uh, okay, wow. Tell him… tell him… we should meet up sometime and figure out what he could do."
Fluttershy nodded.
"Anyone else?"
The room fell silent again.
Scootaloo piped up. "Sweetie Belle's a—"
"I'M NOT A CELESTIADAMN ROBOT!"
"Okay, geez…"
The crowd stared. Somehow, without anyone noticing, the Cutie Mark Crusaders had gotten in.
"Who let you kids in here? Come on, out, the adults are talking," Rainbow Dash said while eating Applejack's hat again. She started shoving the kids out.
"No, we want to help!" Apple Bloom said, fighting against Rainbow's cyan hooves of doom. "Obama said we could get cutie marks in overthrowing the government!"
"Oh, did he now?" Applejack said, glaring at Obama.
"Now, maybe, verily so, yes," Obama said, good under pressure is always.
"He has a point," Twilight said. "Sweetie Belle, tell us the truth. Are you really a robot? If you are, you could help us out a lot."
"Of course I'm not a robot!" she replied, tired of this crap. "And I'm not the one you should be interested in."
"Oh, really? Why?"
"Because…" Sweetie Belle paused dramatically. "Scootaloo here is immortal!"
The crowd murmured.
"What? Come on, don't be ridiculous," Twilight said.
Sweetie Belle scoffed. She was prepared for this. "Just watch," she said. She went outside and came back an absurdly huge chainsaw.
"Sweetie Belle! No! Let's be reasonable! Where did you even get that?"
"Rarity's bedroom! RRAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH!"
She swung down with all her might and sliced Scootaloo into thin ribbon.
"You killed her!" Applejack yelled, stating the obvious.
Everyone else reacted similarly, except for Fluttershy, who mouthed something to the effect of "I've taught you well." They held a short wake in Scootaloo's honor, and started dragging away Sweetie Belle, who was just rolling her eyes.
The moment was cut off by a gurgly voice. "Seriously guys I'm fine."
The crowd stopped.
"Did you say something?"
"No, I thought you did."
"What? Who was it?"
"Guys come on it's me."
They noticed Scootaloo's disembodied throat moving. Then they noticed the rest of her body slowly reassembling itself. After many extremely gross intermediary stages, a fully formed Scootaloo stood before the crowd once more. She grabbed Sweetie Belle by the shoulders.
"That… bucking… HURT! Give me a little heads up next time!" she screamed, then noticed the silence. "What? What's wrong? Did someone die?"
Someone had the courage to squeak out "you did."
"Oh, yeah, that happens."
The crowd was silent.
"Okay then, Scootaloo is immortal," Twilight said. "Anyone else?"
"No, I think we need to dwell on this a bit," Applejack said.
"Yeah, how do we use an immortal pony in a castle invasion?" Rainbow Dash said.
Twilight thought about it. "We use her as a meat shield," she said.
They considered it.
"Sounds good to me," Rainbow Dash said.
Scootaloo gaped. "What."
"It probably wouldn't even be that painful," Rarity said.
"What!?"
"Well, it's decided, then," Twilight said. "Scootaloo is our meat shield. Any objections?"
"HELL YEAH! " Scootaloo yelled.
"Any other objections?"
Silence.
"Let's get on with the meeting then. So—"
Scootaloo ran out.
"Rainbow?"
"On it."
– – – –
Scootaloo ran as quickly as she could. She started to give up when she heard that familiar wing flapping behind her. Rainbow Dash.
"I'm not going to be your guys' meat shield!" Scootaloo yelled. "You're all sick!"
Rainbow Dash looked confused. "Oh, I don't care about that."
"What?"
"I just need to make sure you aren't going to tell anyone."
Scootaloo glared. "Really? Who would even believe me?"
"After watching someone's body reconstructing, people start believing a lot," Rainbow Dash said.
"Good point." Scootaloo paused. "And how would you know that?"
"Because I saw your body reconstructing first. And I started believing a lot."
Scootaloo was silent. She sat down. Rainbow Dash had managed to get out a couple coherent sentences in a row, so she figured it was safe to lower her guard a bit.
Rainbow Dash said next to her. "You want to know why I bugged you so much?" she asked.
"Because you're an asshole?"
"I wanted to make sure you were immortal."
"That's a very good reason," Scootaloo said, "that you are an asshole."
"Yeah, you're right."
That caught Scootaloo off guard.
"As soon as I realized you were immortal, I wondered if it was the same type of immortality the princesses had. So I started testing things. I knew their immortality made it almost impossible for them to die, so I could only hope it was the same with you."
"That's a pretty big risk to take," Scootaloo said, offended.
"Well, you remember the first time I hurt you?"
"Yeah, you dropped me on a pile of knives."
"Yeah, that."
"Also I was on fire."
Rainbow Dash groaned. "Not one of my finer moments."
Scootaloo gaped. "Wait, you mean that was an accident!?"
"Anyway, after witnessing that, what do you think would kill you?"
Scootaloo thought about it. It made some twisted sense.
"And I was right. Nothing killed you. Nothing at all. Not fire or ice or blades or trauma or Jell-O or lasers or loud noises or explosions or exhaustion or anything."
"Wait, what was that one about five back—"
"The point is, if you can't die, neither can the princesses."
"Your point being?"
"This is hopeless and we're all going to die."
Scootaloo blinked. "Okay then."
The two sat there in silence.
"Your point being?"
Rainbow Dash grasped. "I had one, but I kind of lost it."
Awkward silence.
"Why do you care?" Scootaloo said.
"What?"
Scootaloo glared. "Why do you care so much how to kill an immortal?"
Rainbow Dash paused. "Do you really want to know?"
"You've killed me so much my friends are starting to get into it," Scootaloo scoffed. "I think I deserve an explanation."
Rainbow Dash looked in the distance. "Promise not to tell anyone about this. I don't think I'm supposed to remember it."
"No."
Rainbow Dash paused, but continued anyways. "About a year ago, one of Twilight's spells went awry and I got sent to another world. The human world."
Scootaloo was silent.
"I was de-aged and lost my memories. I had no idea where or who I was. But luckily, someone found me and raised me as his own. I was happy. Without knowing it, I was living a life better than anything I had before. I finally had time to relax and think. But I couldn't enjoy it. I constantly felt like I was missing something. It kept nagging at me from the back of my mind.
"Then, one day, Celestia and the gang appeared. They said they had come to take me back home and erase our memories of the whole thing since it wasn't supposed to have happened." She paused. "It was hard, but I knew I had to do it. I knew this was the piece of my life I was missing. I said goodbye and followed them back." Rainbow Dash looked down. "I've regretted that ever since."
"What? Why?"
"I never realized how little I had until then. Sure, I had my speed, a job, my own fan club… but my family was gone, my friends were shallower than I had ever remembered, and I was torn from the one good relationship I had in my life. Since that day, I've sworn to get revenge on Celestia." Rainbow Dash looked down. "She didn't even give me a choice! And I know that human is feeling the same way. She took so much away from me… and I want her to know what it feels like." She looked at Scootaloo. "That's why I'm so concerned about how to kill an immortal. I want to get kill Celestia."
"You want to kill her because she took you home?"
"Well, when you put it like that—"
"Not to mention you're part of the only weapon Equestria has to defend itself."
"Well, uh—"
"And if she managed to wipe your memory of the whole thing, like she wanted to, you'd be fine, right?"
"Yeah, I guess—"
"Unless she lied to you about wiping your memory to fill you with more grief. "
Rainbow Dash froze. "What?"
"Sorry, don't know where that came from," Scootaloo said. "And you know what, I'll help."
"What?"
"I don't know why, but I don't trust Celestia at all, and you have a sort of good reason for all of this. Not to mention, I'm probably the only person around that knows how to kill her…"
"What!?" Rainbow Dash yelled. She grabbed Scootaloo. "How!?"
"You think I'm telling you!?" Scootaloo yelled. She became serious. "And I couldn't if I wanted to. I'm under a promise."
"A pinkie promise?"
"Maybe."
– – – –
Scootaloo sat there panting as Pinkie Pie comforted her.
"I'm… immortal," Scootaloo got out.
"That's right."
"How do you know?"
Pinkie Pie looked down. "When I phase into things, that usually doesn't happen."
"What usually doesn't happen?"
"You usually don't start dying."
Scootaloo shuddered.
"And I usually don't start dying."
"What?"
Pinkie Pie took a breath.
"I'm the only way to kill an immortal, but it kills me too."
Celestia and Luna sat in the throne room, casually drinking tea. Celestia didn't particularly like the drink, but it made her look more evil, and that was the important part.
"Would you be a dear and pass the sugar?" Celestia said.
Luna obliged.
They took a sip.
"How are Twilight and her friends doing?" Luna said.
"Fine," Celestia said.
They took another sip.
"That's nice," Celestia said.
She took a cracker out of a bag, placed some cheese on top, and took a bite.
They took another sip of tea. Calmly. Synchronized.
A low hum filled the air.
"Do you hear that?" Celestia said.
"No."
"Okay."
It grew a bit louder.
"You must hear that."
"It's probably nothing."
Louder.
"Now?"
"Now that you mention it…"
The tea began shaking.
"Well," Celestia said, standing up. "That can't be good."
Luna looked outside the window.
"Oh sh—!"
All the windows broke simultaneously. The smell of burning rubber filled the air. Sparks, bricks, and shards of glass flew everywhere as Applejack's bright pink monster truck careened through one of the intricately designed stained windows. The rest of the mane six were hanging on the outside, and Obama, of course, was in the passenger seat, backseat driving.
"You need to land on the ground," he said.
"You think I don't know that!?" Applejack yelled.
"BOMBS AWAY!" Twilight screamed.
Applejack armed her bazooka and fired. Since it was Applejack it, of course, did not send out normal projectiles but exploding swords. Celestia stood in utter shock as Luna tackled her out of the way. A loud explosion rocked behind them, and a huge crater was all that remained of the throne.
With a deep breath, Celestia regained her composure.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, MOTHERFUCKERS!?" she screamed, and in character, too, since she had a headache. Her and Luna quickly sent some royal laser beams flying at the truck.
"Quick!" Twilight commanded. "Grab Scootaloo!"
"On it!" Rainbow Dash said. She grabbed Scootaloo from the trunk and used her to intercept all the laser beams.
Celestia looked amazed. "Why have I never thought of that?"
Luna looked at her like she was insane. Then Obama shot her. Celestia, I mean.
"Sister!" Luna cried, embracing her sister as if she were dead. Needless to say, she wasn't.
"You forgot to double tap," Celestia wheezed.
Obama shot her again.
Celestia got up. "I didn't say it would work ," she said, grinning.
"Temporary retreat!" Twilight yelled.
The gang temporarily regrouped behind a column.
"Okay, so here's the plan," Twilight said while they huddled. "We go and—"
Rainbow Dash had a much simpler idea. "Hey! Celestia! Can you believe Butterfly betrayed you like this?"
Celestia looked confused. "Butterfly? Betrayed me? Who's Butterfly?"
"Hey, did you hear that, Fluttershy? She just called you Butterfly!"
Fluttershy threw a knife into Celestia's head.
Twilight gaped, then decided to just roll with it. "You know what, my plan never would've worked anyways," she said. "Push her out a window!"
The seven of them worked together and threw her out of one of the stained glass windows. It was harder than they expected, probably because she ate so much cake specifically for this reason. In this case, however, it backfired horribly, and Celestia landed outside with a gruesome crunch, further embedding the knife into her brain.
"Oh, oh yeah," Celestia said, "that hurts. Well, what else have you got? Yeah! Bring it on!"
Fluttershy popped the trunk of the monster truck and produced a knife set.
"Oh, that's just not fair."
Long story short, she ended up getting stabbed 46 times and thrown off a couple more ledges. The subsequent pushes were a bit easier with all the blood loss and all.
"You all SUCK!" she screamed. "You're all fags and you SUCK!"
"Good grief, she's still not dead?" Applejack said.
"This should take care of that," Twilight said, getting out a plastic bag full of white powder.
"What's that?"
"Anthrax."
"Where did you get a thing like that!?"
"Where do you think?"
She poured it on top of Celestia.
"You know," Celestia said before writhing in pain, "I was only trying to give you an immunity to the stuff."
"Yes, and it worked," Twilight said. "But then you kept sending it to me, and it was either this or convincing Trixie it was cocaine."
Celestia, after a couple more insults, eventually stopped moving. Just to make sure, they made Luna shoot her with some royal laser beams and set the corpse on fire.
Twilight looked upon the decomposing, burning, knife filled corpse.
"It's finally over," she said, the wind ruffling her hair. "We're finally free."
"You think so?"
Twilight turned around, only to come face-to-face to Celestia. "Hi," she whispered.
"RUN!" Twilight yelled, and they split up.
"Oh, I haven't had this much fun in ages," Celestia said, licking her lips. She caught Twilight's scent and ran after.
Luna decided if Celestia survived that, she clearly didn't need any help, and went back to playing video games.
– – – –
Due to lack of foresight on everyone else's part, Twilight and Rainbow Dash ended up running from Celestia together.
"You're holding me back, egghead!" Rainbow Dash yelled.
"Sorry!" Twilight yelled back. "I'm a student, not an athlete!"
"Well then why haven't you calculated a way to kill Celestia yet, smart one!?"
"I have! We just used most of them!" Twilight snapped. "I didn't mention how hopeless this was because I thought it was obvious!"
"That's right, it's hopeless," Celestia said, poking her head, then the rest of her body out of a flowerpot. "And so far this is a fairly typical attempt on my life. I'm disappointed, Twilight Sparkle. I would've expected better."
Twilight smirked. "Or is it?"
Celestia looked confused. "What?"
"Maybe it isn't a typical attempt in your life. If we were actually hurting you, wouldn't the best thing for you be to make us think we're losing?"
"……………," Celestia said, thinking about that for a bit. "No."
"Of course you would say that."
"Twilight, just… lose with some dignity."
"Don't talk to my friend like that!" Rainbow Dash yelled.
"And what are you going to do about it?" Celestia said, shifting her attention. "You've seen what I can survive. Who knows what I'm capable of?"
"I know… I know you aren't capable of killing your best sources of amusement," Rainbow Dash said, trying to sound tough.
Celestia smiled. "Amusement? I've got better uses for you then amusement."
"What's that?"
Sources smiled wider. "Alicorns are omnivores."
"Are what?"
"They can eat meat," Twilight said. "Apparently."
Rainbow Dash looked at her in disbelief. "No. You cannot be serious."
Celestia opened her mouth wide to reveal some nasty bloody incisors. It was actually ketchup, not blood, but Twilight and Rainbow Dash didn't know that, and honestly, the teeth were enough of a problem.
"Actually, it explains a lot RUN!" Twilight yelled, and they ran.
"So Princess Celestia's been eating ponies!?" Rainbow Dash yelled.
"I always wondered why no one came back from magic kindergarten," Twilight replied.
"How can no one know about this!?"
"She also eats the witnesses!? How am I supposed to know!?"
"Well, what do we do!? I don't want to be Celestia's latest dessert!"
"I've got one spell left!"
"One spell!? You, one of Equestria's brightest minds, only have one spell left!?"
"One useful spell for being chased by a hungry cannibal immortal pony princess, yes!"
"Fair point. Well! Use it!"
Twilight whipped around only to see an empty hallway.
Rainbow Dash scratched her head. "Where is she?"
"After someone else! She must've wanted us split up so we couldn't help each other!" Twilight said. "And now, of course, we're obligated to help! Damn you friendship!"
And they ran off in some utterly random direction hoping to bump into somebody.
– – – –
"Hey there, sweet cakes," Rarity purred. "You two doing anything tonight? You know, we could use one of the royal suites… or one of the normal suites, since everything is a royal suite in a castle… and, you know…" she did creepy things with her eyebrows, "…do stuff…"
The guards stood motionless.
Of course Rarity was hitting on the gayest stallions in the Royal Guard. She was, however, being annoying enough that they didn't notice any of the commotion in the background, so mission accomplished, basically.
Behind the guards, Twilight and Rainbow Dash ran past.
"There's Rarity," Rainbow Dash said. "You think she needs help?"
"No."
They kept running.
Rarity decided to go hit on some batponies, even though they'd probably be asleep. No, because they'd be asleep, she told herself. All the less energy to resist her with.
– – – –
Fluttershy wandered around the castle, resigned to the fact that this was all completely hopeless. She heard a light scraping sound behind her.
Fluttershy told Celestia to bug someone else.
She did.
– – – –
Somehow, Applejack and Pinkie Pie had managed to run in a circle back to the throne room.
"What in tarnation!?" Applejack said, looking around. "Weren't we just in the basement!?"
"Yep."
"And didn't we just run into a keg to hide?"
"Yep."
"Then how did we get here!?"
"Discord designed this castle."
"Oh, that explains it."
"Wait, I didn't say that!"
"Yeah you did!"
"No I didn't!"
"Then who—?"
Celestia slinked out from behind a column.
Pinkie Pie panicked, while Applejack smacked her hooves together. "Yeah! Bring it!"
Celestia showed her teeth.
"You can't fool me with that," Applejack said. "That's ketchup."
"Yes," Celestia said, "but the teeth are real."
"That doesn't scare me!" Applejack said, then turned to Pinkie Pie. "Yes, it does."
Pinkie Pie was still panicking.
"Don't worry, Applejack," Celestia said. "I have plenty of other ways to deal with you. Like, for example, this!"
Nothing happened.
"Okay, let's try that again," Celestia said. "This!"
Still nothing.
"Okay, what's going on? Why is my magic not working?"
"Because of that," Twilight said, pointing outside a window while Rainbow Dash pointed around everywhere trying to figure out how they got there and since when Obama was right behind them.
Outside was a massive half completed black monolith. It continually absorbed particles from every surface nearby and grew taller with each passing second. A huge crowd gathered around it, worried, because the sky was becoming more distorted the taller it got.
"What," Celestia said, "is that?"
Twilight looked fierce. "The machine."
Celestia turned to Twilight. "What horrible thing are you doing in the name of science this time?"
"Manually rotating the sky. It's absorbing residual magic from the air to build itself. Obviously, that's a bit risky, and not practical for daily usage, but well worth the risk. It makes it impossible for anything to use magic while it's building."
Celestia was finally looking intrigued. "Interesting. But flawed," she said. "That means you can't use magic either, and I don't need magic to kill you all. I don't even need to lift a hoof. The Royal Guard should be here any second."
"That's where you're wrong." Twilight picked up one of the bricks scattered by Applejack's monster truck and threw it out the front door. It materialized behind Celestia. "I've had Discord seal this room off from the outside world. None of us can escape and no one can get in."
"Well, brilliant, you've locked yourself in a room with Equestria's strongest entity with no magic. What now?"
"What makes you think I can't use magic?"
"What?"
Twilight cast her live vivisection flamethrower spell. It was really disgusting.
"Dammit!" the now flaming dissected Celestia gurgled. "I knew I never should've published that spell!"
"Wait, she made that spell!?" Applejack said.
"Who else would it be!?" Twilight said.
Fluttershy nodded in approval.
"Would you stop that!?" Celestia yelled at Fluttershy. She turned to Twilight. "So what now? You know this can't kill me, just make me supremely uncomfortable."
"Of course not," Twilight said. "We just need you incapacitated."
"What? While you think of a better plan?"
"No, indefinitely," Twilight said. "We don't have to kill you to overthrow you. It's just the most humane way. If we have to separate you into tiny boxes and spread you across Equestria to do that, we will."
"We?" Celestia said. She looked at all of the elements and Obama as best as she could in her condition. "Would you all really go as far as turning me into princess fillet just to get rid of me?"
"Don't you try that on me after what you did to my family," Applejack seethed. "You pretended to be nice to us just to get more power. Of course I'm okay with this."
"About the same," Rainbow Dash said.
Fluttershy shrugged.
"You've done things beyond imagination to this country," Twilight said. "I know I've only uncovered half of it. I've got to put an end to this."
"No one here knows what freedom feels like," Obama said. "You've controlled everything about this world for thousands of years. It's time for a change."
Celestia laughed. "So what now?" she said. "Use the Elements of Harmony on me?"
"No," Twilight said, "I've got one other idea I'd like to try first."
"And what's that?"
Twilight turned around. "Pinkie Pie, go in there and turn her heart off or something. If you could bring Derpy back to life this should be easy."
Pinkie Pie, Scootaloo, and Celestia twitched.
"What?" Celestia said.
Scootaloo looked at Pinkie Pie, panicked. "I didn't tell anyone, I swear," she mouthed.
Pinkie Pie looked gravely serious. She knew this day would come eventually.
"Are you sure?" she said.
Twilight looked confused. "Yes. Why? What's with this tension?"
There was a pause. Pinkie Pie got one last good look at everyone.
"Okay," she said, and took a step towards Celestia.
"No, no, no, no, no," Celestia said. "Stop, stop, anything but that, anything!"
Twilight whipped her head around. "What? This is it? Pinkie Pie? That's it?" she said.
Pinkie Pie stopped.
"Just do the box thing! You'll be safe like that!"
"Keep going!" Twilight yelled. "This is our only chance!"
Pinkie Pie slowly walked toward Celestia.
"No, I don't want to die. Not again," Celestia said. "But I don't know what this is going to do to me! I don't know! Make her stop! Please! Make her stop!"
"Do you really think we're going to give up now?" Twilight said. "Celestia, you've lived for thousands of years. Isn't it time?"
Then Celestia's face changed. "You're right," she said, then laughed. "Anything. Yes. That's fine. I'm fine."
"Wait, is she talking to someone?" Applejack said.
"She must be cracking up," Twilight replied. "But I'll scan for telepathic contact just in case." She squinted and used some magic. "Nothing."
Celestia was quiet now, but she still eyed Pinkie Pie in fear. Finally, the moment came. Pinkie Pie took a single step into Celestia's head. Celestia made a bloodcurdling scream that could be heard from miles away, and then, suddenly…
Silence.
Everyone looked around. The room was still. Celestia's body had stopped moving. The doorways of the room connected to the outside world again.
Celestia was dead.
Some of the Royal Guard finally managed to get in. "Surrender, in—" they began to say, but then they saw the state of the room.
"Your ruler is dead," Twilight said.
The guards instinctively bowed in front of her.
"I'm not replacing her."
One of the guards looked up. "Then who?"
"No one."
Two years later…
Beepbeepbeepbeep…
Beepbeepbeepbeep…
Rainbow Dash reached over and gently turned her alarm clock off.
It was time.
She groggily flew out of her bedroom, out of a window, towards a monolithic structure in front of Canterlot. Even from a distance, she could hear everyone inside, preparing for the daily ritual.
The ritual of raising the sun.
The monolith stood impossibly tall, and extended deep, deep underground, manipulating who knows what down in the earth to bring on the next day. Every inch was held together by magic, bending space in ways it was never meant to. Some said that if you went deep enough, the corridors would start changing. That time and physics would stop behaving the way they were supposed to. Twilight was the only one who could begin to understand it. Nothing about it was natural, but it got the job done, and that was the important part.
Rainbow Dash slowly flew in through a large opening in the side into the runway room. The crew saluted her. They toiled day and night to make sure that this worked. She looked up to the office towards the top. Twilight stood outside it. She nodded.
Rainbow Dash flew through a large hangar door into a room with a giant gear in it. Not everything in this structure could be powered by magic. Even Twilight couldn't consistently raise that much magic. So they utilized the springs and physical motion for the rest.
And, as the fastest flyer in Equestria, Rainbow Dash was the one that had to wind it up. She started flying in a circle, slow at first, then faster, then faster.
Bringing in all the pegasi was too chaotic. They tried that once. Someone flew off course and ended up crashing everyone, destroying large sections of the machine. They just barely managed to fix it before the plants stopped making oxygen. That was too close.
So, it fell back to Rainbow Dash. It wasn't horrible. There were perks. But she had to conserve her energy for this monumental task. No more Wonderbolts. That was a pipe dream now. Twilight said she would look into another way of powering the device, but as before, none of them were pleasant, and now everyone depended on the system.
So she stuck with it. She went faster and faster and faster until the room became a giant blur, and the giant center gear started slowly turning. With a loud, jarring creak, the other gears followed, making the entire room shake. The center gear started moving of its own accord, and Rainbow Dash could hear the bolts of magic electricity forming underneath it. It was time to get out.
As quickly as she could, she bolted out of the room, just in time to watch it violently fill with bright magic bolts. The gears started turning faster and faster. The sound was deafening. Outside, slowly, mechanically, the sky started rotating. It was a rough motion, and it creaked under the pressure.
On the ground, everyone's hearts pounded as the sun started to inch its way up the horizon. With much effort, it climbed further up the sky, until finally, with a loud clank, it settled at the top.
The day had begun. It wasn't pretty, but once again, it had worked.
It was the price to pay for freedom.
– – – –
Today was one of the few days Twilight had off. Being away from the machine worried her, but everyone else assured her that it was better for her not to overwork herself. And it was nice seeing her friends once in a while.
Unfortunately, as walked through the Canterlot Square, she spotted Rarity.
Rarity waved.
Twilight tried to ignore her.
Rarity, of course, immediately galloped over. "Oh, Twilight! It's been forever since I've last seen you!"
"A year and two months." Twilight counted.
"Right, right. I've got so much to show you around Canterlot! The others waiting for you!"
"Really?"
"Of course!"
"Even Rainbow Dash?"
"Of course! She doesn't hate you."
Twilight looked down at the ground.
"Look, stop blaming yourself about all this," Rarity said. "Everyone knew what they were getting into."
"Is Obama there?"
"What?"
Twilight looked up. "I said, is Obama there?"
"Yes, of course. He lives around here. Why?"
"It's nothing."
Obama had since become the head of the pony IRS. Some had wanted him to take Celestia's place, since he had the most leadership experience, but he turned the opportunity down. He didn't want to replace one monarch for another.
Unfortunately, as a result, no one really knew what they were doing, and the government was developing awkwardly. This was one of the few cases where one could say Obama's absence was responsible for a committee on a subcommittee's committees.
"Come on, follow me," Rarity said. "The others are waiting at a café."
"A café?"
Rarity shrugged. "It seemed homey. Sometimes we meet up at each other's houses, but that always turns out awkward, especially if it has a bedroom."
"No, I mean why are we all meeting up like this? We usually don't."
"Don't you know?" Rarity said. "It's been exactly 2 years since that day." She paused. "When Celestia died."
Twilight lurched. So much for not bringing back bad memories. "Let's just get on with it, then," she said, and followed Rarity away.
– – – –
Pinkie Pie walked through the Canterlot town square, looking for the café. Following her was Scootaloo.
"So everyone's meeting up?" Scootaloo said. "Even Rainbow Dash?"
"That's right!" Pinkie Pie said. "We don't see each other as much since Twilight works in that tower now, so we're all meeting at a café."
"Any special occasion?"
"Nothing really."
Scootaloo thought about it. "It's the anniversary of Celestia's death, isn't it?"
Pinkie Pie was silent.
Scootaloo looked serious. "It still bothers you, doesn't it?"
"I…"
"You can talk to me about it. You know I won't tell anyone."
Pinkie Pie looked at Scootaloo. "I'm… I'm not sure she's dead."
"What?"
"If I had actually killed her, I would have died too."
Scootaloo smiled. "Well, you were wrong!" she said. "Isn't that a good thing?"
"I'm not wrong," Pinkie Pie said. "I know it so strongly, and I felt it when I went in to you. I felt myself falling apart. When I went into Celestia, I didn't feel anything. Nothing at all."
"Then what happened? She's been gone for two years."
"She could be hiding. Waiting for a chance to strike back." Pinkie Pie shook her head. "I don't know, I don't want to think about it."
"Shouldn't you tell the others?" Scootaloo said.
"I don't want them to know," Pinkie Pie said. "I'm sure they've thought of it, and if this happens again, I don't want to make them choose to sacrifice me." She looked at Scootaloo. "So you promise not to tell anyone again?"
"Of course."
Pinkie Pie looked ahead. "I think that's it. Do you want to come?"
"No, Rainbow Dash would probably just end up accidentally strangling me with dental floss or something," Scootaloo said. "See you! Have fun!"
Pinkie Pie watched Scootaloo ride off, and approached the table in front of the café. It was easy to figure out which one. Rainbow Dash didn't exactly blend.
– – – –
"And this is downtown Canterlot! Or at least it used to be until taxes got too high and it became a slum," Rarity said. "Isn't this fun?"
She was doing a very bad job at convincing Twilight any of this was a good idea. Also, Twilight was pretty sure they were lost.
"Here, follow me through this alley," Rarity said, squeezing inbetween a couple buildings. "It's a shortcut."
Twilight, despite her best judgment, followed.
"Probably the most exciting thing that's been going on recently is Obama's been lobbying for straight rights," Rarity said, pushing through various trash cans and hobos. "Granted, it ruins most of my attempts to be controversial, but anything that saves that much sales tax has to be a good cause."
"That's right, girlie," said an intimidating sounding voice. "Money's a much bigger problem these days."
Two rough looking stallions jumped out from around a corner. They both had scars covering their bodies and gruesome looking torture implements on their cutie marks. They wielded the instruments in their mouths. "Your wallets. Now," the one on the left said.
Rarity and Twilight both examined each other's state of nudity.
"Don't get smart with me! You're both unicorns! Teleport them over!"
"Do you know who we are?" Rarity said.
"Do you know who we are?" the one on the right said. "We used to be members of the Royal Guard until you unicorns went and killed Celestia and put us out of a job!"
"Fine," Twilight said. She smiled. "But do you know how difficult it is to teleport a single object from your house? It would be a lot easier for me to just teleport us both there."
Rarity lurched. "Twilight! No!"
"Don't listen to her," the mugger said, then grabbed Twilight. He turned to his partner. "If I'm not back in five minutes, kill her."
He nodded.
"Twilight!" Rarity said.
Twilight looked at Rarity. "Don't worry. I'll be fine."
"That's not what I'm worried ab—"
And Twilight was gone, taking the mugger with her.
"Shut up, bitch!" the stallion holding Rarity yelled, waving around an uncomfortably sharp device near her neck.
Rarity was beyond fear. "You shut up! You know where she lives!?"
"No! Should I?"
"Yes! She lives in that! " Rarity screamed, pointing towards the monolith.
"What? In the mountains?"
"In. That."
"You crazy? You think I'm stupid?" the mugger yelled. "No one can live in that thing. It's the single most wrong place in Equestria."
"Yes, it is," Rarity said. "Guess who built it."
– – – –
The two materialized in a dark cavern. Twilight tumbled against a wall, and her passenger looked around manically.
"What are you trying to pull?" the mugger said. "I told you what would happen if we weren't back in five minutes. Take me to your real home!"
"This is my real home," Twilight said, "and we will be back in five minutes."
"Don't—"
"In their time."
"What?"
"I believe you were looking for this?" Twilight held her wallet up, and pulled some bills out.
"Give me that!"
"Take it."
He lunged at her, but she dodged impossibly fast. He tried a couple more times to no avail. He seemed tired for some reason.
"What are you doing?" he panted after a while. "It's been five minutes already. Your friend is dead."
"It's been less than a second to them."
"What?"
"Time doesn't always move at the same rate in here. Where you are, it moves about 500 times slower than the outside world. I think I'll leave you in there for…" Twilight thought about it. "I don't know, a month."
"What!?"
"Don't worry about food or water or anything. Your body will still age as if only five minutes have passed. But for that same reason, try not to do that much. Imagine how much it would fry your muscles to walk 80 miles in five seconds." She smiled. "And I'll drop by every one of your weeks to see how you're doing. I only have to appear once every minute for five minutes, after all."
The mugger looked at her in fear. "Who… who are you!?"
"Ever hear of the pony who organized Celestia's assassination? The pony who made a machine to raise the sun?"
"Twilight… Sparkle?"
"You chose the wrong pony to mug."
And she disappeared for that week.
– – – –
"Where the heck are they?" Rainbow Dash said, checking a, for once, real wristwatch.
Applejack faced Rainbow Dash. "You know how much she's been through. Give them time."
Fluttershy said they had probably been mugged and were dead in an alley right now.
"That's impossible," Obama said. "That only happens in New York."
Fluttershy said she would go and disembowel the perpetrator.
"Okay," Applejack said.
– – – –
"Your friend sure is pushing it," the other mugger said to Rarity.
"Don't worry, she'll come back," Rarity said. "Watch."
The two teleported back. Twilight glared blankly at the mugger holding Rarity while his partner collapsed to the ground in an exhausted heap.
"Let… let me out…" he wheezed.
"What did you do to him?" the mugger said, threatening Rarity with his torture implement.
"I took him to my home," Twilight said, slowly approaching him. "Some parts are more pleasant than others."
"What did you do to him!?"
He was about to lunge at her, but suddenly stopped. Twilight and Rarity couldn't tell why until they heard it. A light fluttering sound, followed by some gentle footsteps.
Fluttershy stepped into the scene.
She said hello.
The muggers screamed in terror and escaped.
"Thanks, Fluttershy, you're a lifesaver," Rarity said. "How did you get them to leave?"
Fluttershy said she was the kingpin of the pony mafia now.
"That's cool," Rarity said.
Fluttershy asked what Twilight did to that guy.
"I put him in one of the monolith's time distortion fields for a month," Twilight said.
Fluttershy nodded in admiration.
"Okay," Rarity stammered, "I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm famished! Let's go to that café!"
"Rarity," Twilight said, "do you think I went overboard?"
"Well…"
"I did, didn't I?"
Fluttershy assured her she didn't.
"Coming from you, that's not much consolation," Twilight said. She looked down. "I had five minutes alone with him, and I completely broke him. I'm turning into… into…"
The three were silent.
"I think," Twilight said, "there's something I have to do."
– – – –
"You want to do what now?" Applejack said.
"I want to go back to the castle," Twilight said. "I think we all need to."
Applejack stared at her. "Why?"
"It's been two years, and we've just pretended that nothing's happened," Twilight said. "We were the ones responsible for changing this world. Killing Celestia. I think we need to finally need to face that."
Pinkie Pie looked at Twilight.
"Why now?" Rainbow Dash said.
"On the way here, me and Rarity got mugged," Twilight said. "Fluttershy rescued us before things got too bad, but when one of the muggers threatened me, I stuck him in one of the slow time pockets of the monolith for five minutes. For him it lasted a month." She paused. "I had five minutes alone with him and I completely broke him."
The rest of the gang was silent.
"I'm worried that… that if I don't do anything I might turn out just like Celestia…"
"Don't be ridiculous!" Rarity said. "You're the nicest pony I've met!"
"Yeah, but for how much longer?" Twilight said. "I think we need to remind ourselves that while what we did might've been necessary, it wasn't good. And I can't think of any better way to do that than browsing the carcass of Canterlot Castle." She looked at the gang. "Who's with me?"
They looked at each other uncomfortably.
– – – –
The castle had been abandoned long ago. After Celestia died, most people assumed that the castle was cursed, either because they believed she booby-trapped the place, her vengeful spirit would come back from the afterlife, or both. Those who didn't also stayed away, mainly for safety, since the pony who understood all the castle's space tricks was now dead.
Unfortunately for the rest of the mane six and Obama, the pony who second best understood the castle's space tricks wasn't, and she had no such reservations.
"Do we really have to come back here?" Rainbow Dash said. "This place gives me the creeps."
"You guys can leave if you want," Twilight said. "I'm mainly doing this for myself."
"Okay," Spike said, and left.
"Come on, let's look around," Twilight said.
They started walking around the castle. Everyone else assumed their fears about the castle would be proven wrong as they traversed it, but of course, the trek only confirmed them. They were completely right in assuming that Celestia booby-trapped the castle, and if they weren't traveling with one of the most powerful magic users in Equestria, they'd be long dead. Not to mention, the space tricks were just as complicated as they were expecting, and after finding five rooms inside trash cans they were seriously tired of this crap.
"Okay, I realize you need closure and all," Applejack said, "but we're going to be lucky to get out of here alive."
"What? We can handle this," Twilight said as she dodged and dismantled a flying axe. "Besides, we're right next to the throne room. We can leave after that."
Applejack shrugged. "Okay."
Twilight kicked open a cabinet and faced the rest of the gang. "See? It's just down here. Down this hallway."
They entered the cabinet and slowly started walking down the hallway. It was quieter than the rest of the castle. And cleaner. While the other rooms were in various states of disrepair, this one didn't have a spot on it.
They all noticed something was different about this hallway, but didn't say anything. In Canterlot Castle, 'different' was relative, and in fact, finding any consistency in it probably meant you were more trapped than you thought.
It was natural, really. They were returning to the site of the world's greatest murder—the one they committed. They turned the world upside down, and now they were confronting their actions. Some nerves were completely normal.
Nothing was surprising about this.
Nothing at all.
Then they opened the throne room and saw her.
"Hello, my faithful student," Celestia said, smiling, lounging on the throne.
The gang froze.
Applejack turned to Twilight. "Is that… really her?"
"Is your heart rate going up?"
"Uh huh."
"Then yes."
Pinkie Pie was utterly silent.
Celestia laughed. "Did you really think you could kill me off that easily?" she said, gracefully stepping off the throne. "You're so naïve. I must admit, though, the break was nice."
"You… were just playing dead?" Applejack said.
"Oh, you must be a regular grade school graduate," Celestia said. "Luna?"
Luna came out from behind the curtains.
"You helped her!?" Rainbow Dash yelled. "Luna! You cheat!"
"She didn't do anything. She's just here," Celestia said. "Discord helped me."
Twilight looked confused. "But he was—"
"Discord has no loyalties," Celestia said. "He figured the only thing that would be more chaotic than my death would be coming back afterwards. We struck a deal and he helped me fake it. He's had more than his fair share of fun just watching the chaos you've let unfold."
"This isn't chaos!" Obama yelled. "This is freedom!"
"Oh really?" Celestia said, now circling the gang. "What about the 300% increase in crime? Is that freedom?"
"Did you…" Obama reeled. "Don't tell me… you bribed the underworld to commit more crimes while you were gone!?"
"Like I would need to!" Celestia laughed. "And risk someone leaking my plan? I don't think so." She smiled. "With me gone, of course there would be more crime! I'm all they have to fear! I thought you would go to some effort to hide my death, but no, you just had to announce it to everyone."
Celestia stopped, and Rainbow Dash spotted her chance. She started to sneak towards a candle stand.
"Any more questions?"
Rainbow Dash grabbed it in her mouth.
"I'm sure you're all wondering what I'm going to do with you."
She slowly creeped up on Celestia.
"Don't worry, I'm not going to kill any of you. The fact that you got as far as you did proves you're very powerful. And I like power."
She lifted it up. "AAARGH!"
Celestia lifted a hoof and flattened Rainbow Dash against a window.
"Rainbow Dash!" Applejack yelled.
"Don't worry, it's just a flesh wound. Oh, and did I mention I use 70% of my power to raise and lower the sun? After resting for two years, I'd say that makes me at least twice as powerful than the last time we fought. You know. When you didn't defeat me. So I would advise against trying anything."
"Why didn't you just take care of us then, instead of playing these mind games with us?" Applejack said.
"Well, for one, I like mind games," Celestia said, "and after a while, I just started feeling sorry for you all. You went to so much effort to kill me. I figured you should get something for it. And if I came back after being defeated, that would only strengthen my position."
Luna coughed.
"Oh, and Pinkie Pie scares the living shit out of me."
"What?" Twilight said. "You know what she is?"
"No, and that's part of it," Celestia said. "She just came out of my oven one day. No idea how or why. She's immortal, but not like me. Not like me at all. " She turned to Pinkie Pie. "Which brings me to my first order of business. Pinkie Pie, do what you please. Just stay the buck away from me. And try not to mess up space-time too much, okay?"
"Okey-dokey-loki!" Pinkie Pie said, and phased through a wall.
Celestia sighed in relief and faced the group again. "Fluttershy…"
The group immediately jumped to her defense.
"She never did anything wrong!" Twilight yelled. "…well, she might have raped me that one time, but she was just helping us because we forced her!"
Celestia waited to continue her sentence. "…I would like to thank you for your assistance in discovering and dealing with this insurrection."
Twilight turned to Fluttershy. "What?"
"You were the mole?" Rainbow Dash said.
Fluttershy nodded, not willing to give Gummy the satisfaction.
"We've been quite close since we realized our common interest in pain," Celestia said. "Fluttershy, I believe you expressed an interest in employing Rainbow Dash at your Rainbow Factory?"
Fluttershy nodded.
"Take her."
"Wait," Rainbow Dash said, "I don't understand. You aren't punishing me? I wanted to work at the Rainbow Factory!"
Fluttershy asked Rainbow Dash if she knew what rainbows were made of.
"Uh, I don't know," Rainbow Dash said, scratching her head. "It's spicy, so… salsa or something?"
Fluttershy grinned a grotesque grin and spoke out loud for the first time in front of the group. "CHILDREN."
Rainbow Dash gaped. She believed her. "No. No, I'm not. Fluttershy, you—"
Celestia grinned. "Employ any measures you feel necessary to get her to work for you."
Fluttershy brandished a pocket knife and started to pull Rainbow Dash out of the room.
"NO! NO, I WON'T!" Rainbow Dash screamed. "FLUTTERSHY! LISTEN, I—"
The door slammed shut.
Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, and Obama were left.
"Applejack."
"Do your worst," Applejack said.
"Why were you part of this again?"
Applejack glared. "You want to know why?" she said. She turned to Obama. "You know why. He showed me the truth. He showed me that you were the one that killed my parents!"
"And what was his proof?"
"A secret document," Applejack said. "He had his suspicions, so he searched the vault."
"Now ask yourself: why would I do that?"
"I don't know, you just got bored or something and figured you needed to kill someone?"
"No, why would I have a document for that? Why would I leave behind that kind of evidence in plain sight when I knew I was dealing with one of the Elements of Harmony?"
"I… I don't know."
"I will admit I do get bored once in a while. And sometimes I do kill things. Yes, there, I said it. But trust me, when I do, I never document it, and I never put it in the vault."
"Why should I trust you?"
"Why should you trust him? Ask him. Ask him if he forged that document."
Applejack turned to Obama. "Come on, she's just making up stuff, isn't she?"
Obama stared.
Applejack started to look worried. "Right?"
"It was necessary…"
"What?"
Obama looked at Applejack. "If I couldn't get you on board, no one else would've…"
"What? "
"I had to do it," Obama said. "I had to do it to guarantee freedom for everyone!"
"You used me!?"
"Have you seen what we've accomplished!? It was worth it! It was worth it for freedom!"
Applejack fumed and looked up at Celestia. "Hey," she said. "You want to punish him, right? Let me have him. I've got—"
"No."
Applejack stepped back. "What?"
"What, do you think I'm going to go easy on him?" Celestia said.
Applejack thought about it. She stopped.
"Since you technically had a good reason," Celestia said, "I feel like going a bit easier on you. You and the rest of the Apple family can no longer have the land I gave you, but feel free to try starting a different business."
Applejack grit her teeth. "All right," she said. "Thanks, your majesty."
She left.
"Rarity."
"Y-yes?" Rarity replied.
"Did you actually do anything in this?"
"I provided moral support."
"…"
"I distracted a couple guards while they were storming the castle."
"…"
Rarity looked down in shame. "…no."
"You may leave."
Rarity left, confused.
Only Twilight and Obama were left.
Celestia folded her hooves together. "And now we get to the fun part. You two were the ones who actually had the idea for this."
Twilight looked down.
"I thought you trusted me, my faithful student. Although, if you said you were also swayed by this man here, I might be a little more lenient…"
Twilight gulped. "No," she said. "It was my decision. I was having my own doubts."
Celestia paused. "I see."
Twilight fiddled with her hooves.
"I have something special in mind for you."
Twilight shivered. "Will it… hurt?"
"Physically, no," Celestia said. "Physically, you won't have to worry about pain for a very long time."
Celestia was being awfully specific and that worried Twilight.
"For one, Fluttershy will be busy with Rainbow Dash for the foreseeable future."
"What?"
Celestia smiled. "She was always my best torturer."
Twilight paused. "What?" she said. "For how long?"
"For just the last five years, but she more than made up for it in ability."
Twilight stared, gaping. "That can't be right. What's… what's wrong with this world?" she said. "Is this all because of the humans?"
"Who knows? I'm not complaining," Celestia said. She looked at Obama. "Now wait for me in my quarters. I need to have a word with the human."
Twilight left.
"I did only what I thought was necessary," Obama said. "You have to understand, I—"
"Don't worry. I just have one question."
Obama looked up. "Name it," he said.
"Do you like bananas?"
Celestia becomes meat salad and it's really gross While writing the invasion chapter, I thought that it was a bit out of character for Twilight to have a boneheaded plan like "drive a monster truck through a window and keep shooting her" for killing Celestia, so I came up with this. While it does provide a very good motive for Celestia making Twilight's eternal life hell in Lavender Alicorn, it was too complicated and disgusting to actually use.
"Then answer me this," Twilight said. "How did you reach the throne room?"
"What?"
"It's a simple enough question. You were drinking tea in the throne room when Applejack smashed her truck in. How did you get there?"
Celestia thought back, struggling. Her face contorted into absolute horror. "You couldn't have."
"I have."
Celestia woke up, which was shocked enough, considering it was the middle of the day and she didn't remember sleeping.
What was slightly more surprising was that she was paralyzed and her insides were spread open like a dissected frog.
"What?" she got out, despite her lungs being on the opposite end of the room.
"We've been running simulations in your head to find out what will kill you," Twilight said. "This is round six. I was hoping this," she gestured to Celestia's grotesque state, "would be enough, but clearly not. If you know what kills you, I would recommend speaking up. Otherwise we'll have to resort to other means."
Celestia had some trouble connecting these points, probably because her brain was having trouble connecting over a 6 foot diameter. "Other… means?"
"Killing you is the most humane way of overthrowing you. Incapacitating you is fine. We could lock your body parts in magically sealed boxes across Equestria buried underground with a perception filter on them." Twilight gestured to the prepared boxes. "And chances are you'll stay conscious because, well, you are now. You don't want that, do you?"
Celestia could only stare at her blankly.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Fine," she said, "I'll reassemble your head."
She did so.
"I take it back," Celestia said once her lips were back on. "This is definitely not an average overthrowing attempt." She smiled, which, given her situation and hastily patched together head, creeped everyone out slightly more than knowing the person who made her like that. "Since I'm currently pretty incapacitated, maybe you'd care to explain why I can't remember how I got here?"
"Memory altering spells," Twilight said. "Always a specialty of mine. I don't remember planning half of this. And the more groggy you are the safer you are, so don't expect to get them back anytime soon. In five minutes you won't remember this conversation."
"You lured me with a cake, didn't you?"
"If you're not going to take this seriously I'll spread out your brain again."
"I'll be more annoying like that and you know it."
They stared at each other.
Celestia grunted a little and looked annoyed. "Why can't I use magic?"
"I have a machine that's draining your underground magic reservoir," Twilight said. "Also I filed your horn off."
"But… I regenerate."
"We haven't destroyed any part of your body. Look around you."
Celestia looked around her and saw that, much to his chagrin, she currently covered most of the room. "Right," she said. "How am I not in screaming agony right now?"
"Anesthetics. We can't enter your mind if all you're thinking about his pain."
"Thanks."
"Uh, Twi?" Applejack said. "Isn't this a bit excessive?"
Twilight groaned. "You've asked me that five times now."
"What? No I haven't."
"Our memory has been altered six times, once for each time we've been in her head. You must've forgotten."
"Uh, right." Applejack looked worried. "Is this good for us? This is going to be one of those things that has a bunch of side effects, isn't it?"
"No, I don't think so. But I probably would have wiped that from my memory too."
"Comforting."
"She poses a legitimate question, you know," Celestia said.
"What, me being excessive or the side effects?"
"You know what? Both. Couldn't you have just tied me up?"
"That would not only fail, but probably turn you on."
"And about those side effects…"
"Oh, here we go."
"If you wanted to surrender now, I would let you, content in the knowledge that in about five years you would probably not be able to remember your own name."
"That isn't true."
"Well, neither of us can prove that because you're the first person I know of that's fucked up their own head this much."
"Well, which one of us is meat salad right now?"
"I'm immortal. This is only a minor setback."
"Not for long," Twilight said. "We've just got one more thing to try and then we're boxing you up."
"One more thing?"
Other Scootaloo Confession Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash's confrontation in the planning chapter was near impossible to write. I had to go to rewrite it a couple times before settling on the final one.
Take 1
"No! This is sick!" Scootaloo yelled. "I'm not going to be your guys' meat shield no matter what you say!"
She ran off.
"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight said. "Chase after her!"
She didn't need to tell her twice.
Scootaloo ran as fast as she could, but it only did so much could when she couldn't fly. Rainbow Dash caught up with her quickly.
"No! No!" Scootaloo screamed, struggling. "Get away from me! Get away from me, you sicko!"
Rainbow Dash looked Scootaloo in the eyes, then hugged her.
And it didn't break any ribs or anything.
"Wha… bu… you…" Scootaloo stammered.
Rainbow Dash let go. "I'm sorry," she said.
"What?"
"For all my abuse."
Scootaloo was silent.
"Why?" she asked. "Why now? Because it's convenient?"
"Because we might not live to tomorrow," Rainbow Dash said. "And I have something I want to tell you."
"What is it?"
Take 2
"The first time was an accident," Rainbow Dash said. "You remember that?"
"You dropped me onto a pile of knives."
"Yeah, that," Rainbow Dash said. "I thought for sure you were dead. I couldn't believe what I had just done. But then you just came back like nothing had happened. You barely even noticed the pain." She became more serious. "And that's when I figured it out. I tried other things to make sure, and I am. You're immortal, Scootaloo."
"I know."
"You… wait, what?"
"Pinkie Pie told me."
"Pinkie Pie?"
"She tried to phase into me once," Scootaloo said. "It hurt more than anything. I thought I was going to die. Then she came out, apologized, and said I was immortal. I believed her."
Rainbow Dash stopped. "What did you say?"
"She said I was immortal."
"No, before that."
"I thought I was going to die."
"What… what do you mean?"
"Well, for one, it hurt a lot more than anything else," Scootaloo said. "I barely noticed being dropped on a pile of knives, so that means something, right? Also… I started seeing things. Strange things that I never want to see again."
Rainbow Dash stepped back, awestruck. "Could it be…?"
"Could it be what?"
"Could it be Pinkie Pie is the only way to kill an immortal?"
They both thought about that for a couple seconds.
"That," Scootaloo said, "makes a disturbing amount of sense."
Rainbow Dash patted Scootaloo on the back. "You, Scootaloo," she said, "might've just won us the war. Come on, let's go back. They won't need you if they know that."
"Wait!"
Rainbow Dash turned back. "What?"
"You said you tried things on me to make sure I was immortal," Scootaloo said. "Is that why you abused me so much? To find out? Couldn't you have just asked?"
Final version
"I'm not going to be your guys' meat shield!" Scootaloo yelled. "You're all sick!"
Rainbow Dash looked confused. "Oh, I don't care about that."
"What?"
"I just need to make sure you aren't going to tell anyone."
Scootaloo glared. "Really? Who would even believe me?"
"After watching someone's body reconstructing, people start believing a lot," Rainbow Dash said.
"Good point." Scootaloo paused. "And how would you know that?"
"Because I saw your body reconstructing first. And I started believing a lot."
Scootaloo was silent. She sat down. Rainbow Dash had managed to get out a couple coherent sentences in a row, so she figured it was safe to lower her guard a bit.
Rainbow Dash said next to her. "You want to know why I bugged you so much?" she asked.
"Because you're an asshole?"
"I wanted to make sure you were immortal."
"That's a very good reason," Scootaloo said, "that you are an asshole."
"Yeah, you're right."
That caught Scootaloo off guard.
Rarity Tries to Find Twilight's Stash This was originally in the middle of Rarity and Twilight's confrontation about Twilight's feelings for Obama. It was funny, but ruined the flow of the scene so much I couldn't think of how to continue the scene and had to cut it.
"…YOU RAPED HIM!" Twilight yelled, in absence of any better retort.
"Really, dear, you keep saying that," Rarity said. "I've got some advice. Don't try to take the moral high ground with me. You aren't so pure yourself. If you were, how could you explain…" She reached out a hoof and pointed. "…THIS!"
Twilight followed Rarity's hoof to see she was pointing at a completely random bookshelf. "What?"
"Okay then, how about… THIS!"
Another bookshelf. "Rarity, what are you doing?"
Rarity blinked. "What? Seriously? Where do you keep your smut? That usually works."
After coming to terms with the idea that the rest of Ponyville had enough pornography that one could find it by pointing around randomly, Twilight replied with, "Neatly filed away in the erotica section, genius, just like it was when I moved in."
"Oh, sure," Rarity replied. "Blame it on the last librarian."
"I tried to get rid of it, but City Hall wouldn't stand for it."
"Sure."
They both stared at each other a bit.
Rarity scratched her head. "What were we talking about again?"
Derpy committed scene This was originally part of the scene where Twilight and Obama are talking about their situation before planning to recruit Applejack. It drops some pretty important hints about the smart Derpy situation, but it's pretty much incomprehensible without knowing the rest of the continuity, and broke the mood enough I couldn't figure out how to continue the scene.
The Derpy "doing things to the rock" is a reference to a clopfic parody I was planning. The first chapter, "Between a Rock and a Hard Pegasus", would have been about Derpy screwing what is presumably a stallion but then turns out to be Tom the rock. Then Rarity appears, and in a fit of jealousy, turns into a giant crab. Then they have hot steamy giant crab sex.
I dropped the project after I read a couple real clopfics and realized that would actually be pretty average.
"So, what happened to Derpy?"
"You remember that rock you tied her to?" Twilight looked embarrassed. "Someone started hearing her… doing things to the rock."
"Doing things?"
"You don't want to know. Eventually, she broke free of the rope and started stumbling around. She didn't get far. She kept screaming nonsense and backing into corners terrified. You know, the usual harbringer of doom stuff… how Equestria was going to be destroyed, and how it never ends, incomprehensible prophecies…"
"Who caught her?"
"Well, that's the thing." Twilight started thinking. "Applejack and Rainbow Dash went up to catch her, but… they couldn't. They had to call me for help."
Obama looked confused. "They couldn't? I thought they were the most active ponies in a 200 mile radius."
"They are. That's what made it so strange. It was like Derpy could see what we were going to do before we did it. She could dodge us without even thinking," Twilight said. "The worst part was, right when we had her in our clutches, Derpy looked straight at me in utter terror and said… 'I can see you in a thousand years. You're on top of the ruins of Canterlot with a princess. And there's nothing we can do to stop it.'"
"What do you think it means?" Obama said, trying his best to look pensive.
"I don't know," Twilight said. "I don't know." She looked down. "What do you think is going on? Things never used to be like this. I heard Derpy said that something was wrong with this world. That something got changed. Maybe she was right. Things only recently started to deviate from the TV show of us in your world."
"Maybe things were always like this, and you just never noticed," Obama said.
"Maybe," Twilight said. "There are so many things I haven't even thought about until now."
"Like Celestia?"
The elephant in the room.
"Do you still think we need to overthrow her?"
"Unless you have any other ideas."
"Because," Twilight said, "overthrowing her means killing her."
There was an awkward pause.
"Whatever you have to do," Obama said.
Twilight wasn't quite sure Obama was thinking this through. "Uh," she said. "Are you sure?"
Obama realized he might have hit a nerve.
Government Originally, I was going to make Mayor Mayor's response to Obama's question about the princesses important to the plot. I couldn't think of anything meaningful she would say, though, so I dropped it.
"Tell me," Obama said as he and Mayor Mare walked through Ponyville. "What is your opinion of Princess Celestia and Luna?"
"Oh, I like them just fine," Mayor Mare replied. "They gave us this town, and they raise the sun so we can all live! But just between you and me, Luna is a bit of a slacker."
"Here we are!" Mayor Mare said. "Town hall!"
It was incredibly uninteresting.
Pinkie Pie entered Scootaloo's brain I don't know why this isn't deleted scenes. I think I used it.
"Oh," Scootaloo said, putting her hoof on her head. "I have such a headache…"
"I can fix that!" Pinkie Pie said. Before Scootaloo could stop her, she entered Scootaloo's head.
If she wasn't immortal, the pain alone would've killed her.
Skydiving The scene was just so utterly random I had no idea what to do with it. I don't even remember where it was supposed to go.
– – – –
"What's wrong, Scootaloo?" Apple Bloom asked. "You just stopped dead in your tracks."
"I think something bad is about to happen," Scootaloo said.
"Like what?"
"Like…" Scootaloo said ominously. "…Rainbow Dash."
The Cutie Mark Crusaders gulped.
"Don't worry!" Apple Bloom said, grabbing Scootaloo's shoulders. "We'll protect you! We'll stand in front of you! There's no way she would hurt three children!"
Rainbow Dash proceeded to come out of nowhere and knock the three of them down like bowling pins.
"Hey Scoots!" she said, holding a terrified Scootaloo. "What do you want to do today?"
"Be away from you!" Scootaloo yelled.
"Aw, I know you don't really mean that," Rainbow Dash replied. "But guess what! I got a surprise for you today!"
Scootaloo whimpered. This was bad.
Rainbow Dash got three parachutes out from nowhere. "You guys keep talking about getting cutie marks in skydiving, so guess what? I've got some parachutes! Let's go!"
She scooped up the Cutie Mark Crusaders and started flying up.
"R–Rainbow Dash!" Sweetie Belle yelled. "We need our parachutes! You left our parachutes behind!"
"Oh, those?" Rainbow Dash said. "You know, it's a bad idea to use those until you dive without parachutes a couple of times."
Sweetie Belle nodded, then realized what she just heard. "WHAT!? No it isn't!"
"Oh, you'll be fine," Apple Bloom said. "Just use your freaky demon powers or whatever to save us."
"For the last time, I'm not possessed by a demon!" Sweetie Belle yelled.
They climbed higher and higher. Ponyville now only looked a couple of inches big, and you could even see the giant pentagram Fluttershy had drawn around the town.
"Guys!" Scootaloo said. "Do something!"
"What you want me to do? Bite her so we fall to our death!?" Apple Bloom yelled.
"Oh! That's right!" Sweetie Belle said. "Twilight taught me a spell for when this type of thing happens!"
"For when what type of thing happens?"
"For when Rainbow Dash kidnaps us and carries us to an absurdly high altitude."
Apple Bloom blinked. "That's… specific."
"You can never be too careful with Rainbow Dash."
Original My Little Dashie Explanation I remember someone commented on how graceful the My Little Dashie crossover was in the Rainbow Dash chapter, which made me feel happy since originally it was pretty awkward.
"What about your secret?"
"Oh, that." Rainbow Dash got closer to Obama. "I haven't told anyone else this…"
Obama got his hopes up. Maybe this would finally free Scootaloo!
"…except for all my close friends…"
Okay, maybe not.
"The truth is," Rainbow Dash said. "I met a human before they started appearing in Equestria. It all happened when I appeared in New York…"
Obama laughed. "Oh, come on, I think I would've heard of that!" he said.
"The man who found me didn't trust the government."
Obama was slightly offended. "I still don't believe you," he said.
Rainbow Dash smirked. "Remember that explosion that broke a bunch of windows in that abandoned neighborhood?"
"The gas leak?"
"You mean sonic rainboom."
Obama thought about it. Then he shook his head. "No, that's ridiculous," he said, sitting inside a floating house with a rainbow maned blue flying pony. "Completely ridiculous."
"I watched your inauguration speech."
"Wait, what?"
"It wasn't very good."
"How long were you there?"
"15 years."
Obama did the math in his head. "How old are you?"
"18."
Obama did more math in his head. "How… how does that work?"
"Twilight messed up with her magic. Really bad."
Obama stared.
Rainbow Dash got out her excuse for everything. "…and Pinkie Pie."
Obama nodded. "Makes sense."
"So anyways, he raised and loved me, we became family, I was really happy and stuff, and then Celestia and the gang came carted me off home and erased all traces of my existence."
There were many directions Obama was expecting this to take, and that was not one of them. He grasped. "And… you wouldn't happen to have any grudge against Celestia for this, would you?
"What? No!" Rainbow Dash said, confused. "Why would you even ask that?"
"Oh, no reason," Obama lied. He tried to redirect the conversation. "So, what are your opinions on Scootaloo?"
Mayor Mare callback This was another attempt to make the Mayor Mare line plot important. It was supposed to go right in the end of the finale. I removed it because it was a bit out of character for Mayor Mare and, most importantly, the dramatic moment ruined the banana joke.
Obama watched as Twilight trotted off with shame. He remembered what happened the first day he came to Ponyville…
– – – –
"Tell me," Obama asked. "What is your opinion of Princess Celestia and Luna?"
Mayor Mare paused. "Why?"
"Just wondering."
Mayor Mare looked at Obama. "That isn't true, and you know it."
Silence.
"You're trying to get to the top, aren't you? Just give up. They've been doing this for 1000 years. They can do it for 1000 more."
"But do you want that to happen?"
Mayor Mare glared. "I want no one to get hurt. If I say I don't like them, is that going to make that okay?"
"No one is going to get hurt."
"You think," Mayor Mare said. "I know. Mark my words. If you don't give up now, you're going to end up hurting yourself and everyone around you."
Obama paused. "Okay then. You've convinced me. I'll give up."
"Good," Mayor Mare said, convinced.
– – – –
Colorist This was originally part of the gang visiting Twilight in jail. I scrapped that when I realized I had already established the slightly more logical heterophobia thing.
"How come it took an act of god to get just a restraining order for Rainbow Dash, but they're able to hold you on such flimsy evidence!?" Obama said.
"Oh, the police here are really colorist," Rainbow Dash said. "I can get away with anything since my coat is a light blue instead of Twilight's dark purple."
Obama gaped. "Tell me she's kidding," he asked Twilight.
"I think so, but honestly, it explains a lot," Twilight said.
Alternate Pinkie Pie amputation scene Just a version of this scene with bad pacing I rewrote.
For those of you wondering what the hell was going on with the Pinkie Pie chapter, mainly I just thought it would be funny to have Pinkie Pie be an eldritch abomination. It was also supposed to hint at Pinkie Pie being the immortal killer, which originally I was only going to reveal in the sequel but managed to work into this story fine.
Everyone else nodded, and they headed out to the hallway. Once outside, they heard the sound of a blade sharpening, then Pinkie Pie's piercing scream. Then there was a pause, and some murmurs of confusion. Then another scream. And another. Suddenly, the doctor and both nurses ran out, terrified.
"What!?" Twilight yelled after them. "What's wrong!?" They just kept running. Twilight and the others burst in to the operating room, only to find…
Pinkie Pie happily bouncing around, all her limbs intact.
"What?"
"How–?"
Pinkie Pie grinned. "Oh, it grew back!"
"What grew back from what and how?" Twilight asked.
An angry lab intern walked in. "Very funny," he said. "We tested that ‘infectious disease tissue' and determined that it's… common mold."
"COMMON MOLD!?" Applejack yelled, scaring the intern. She whipped her head around to Pinkie Pie. "What was mold doing on your leg!?"
"I guess I have some explaining to do!" Pinkie Pie said. "I usually don't tell this to people because she said it totally freaks them out, but it won't bug you guys because you're my friends, right? Right?"
"She?" Twilight said. "Who's—?"
"Someone you're very close to!" Pinkie Pie said. "Anyways, I think the best way to explain this is visually. Because we are all visual learners, right? There! Take a look at what they cut off!"
Twilight blinked. "What they—? If you still have all your legs, they obviously didn't cut off anything."
"Not… necessarily…" said a horrified Rainbow Dash. She held up Pinkie Pie's severed moldy leg.
Rarity screamed. "Agh! Don't wave that thing around like that! You'll get blood…" Then, upon noticing the lack of blood anywhere, "…everywhere…"
"How did they stop the bleeding, anyway?" Applejack said.
"They didn't have to!" Pinkie Pie said. "I don't have blood!"
"Pinkie Pie," Twilight said. "That's impossible."
"Smell that piece!" Pinkie Pie said. "Tell me what you smell!"
Applejack obliged. She walked over to Rainbow Dash and smelled Pinkie Pie's severed leg. "Cotton… candy." She looked up at Pinkie Pie. "You're cotton candy."
"Correctamudo!" Pinkie Pie said.
"And you get moldy."
"Yep. Happens all the time."
"What? Come on, we would know about it if it happened all the time," Twilight said.
"I usually chop off my moldy pieces before it gets too bad," Pinkie Pie said. "I just didn't get a chance with everything that's been going on recently!"
"C-Chop off?" Rarity said.
"Yep! Doesn't hurt a bit!" Pinkie Pie said. "I just screamed back there to make it more exciting!"
"And so… what do you do with these chopped off pieces?" Rainbow Dash said, putting Pinkie Pie's severed leg back on the floor.
"I usually bake them into my cupcakes," Pinkie Pie said. "It turns out the secret ingredient in my baking is Pinkie Pie!"
Applejack hit her head a couple of times. "Okay, so let me get this straight. You're living blob of cotton candy that gets moldy and feels no pain."
Pinkie Pie nodded.
"And we've been eating you for the last five years."
Pinkie Pie nodded.
Applejack pulled her hat down. "I think I need to rethink my life," she said, walking out.
"Okay, so what about all your space bending tricks?" Twilight said. "How do you do those?"
"What, you guys can't do that?" Pinkie Pie said from inside a pill bottle.
Twilight groaned.
…
Original Fluttershy lead up Likewise here. Also, I figured it would be difficult for even the Obamaverse Fluttershy to talk her way out of wantonly murdering animals.
The Fluttershy joke started out as a reference to the Mentally Advanced Series, where no one gets Fluttershy's name right. I'm a huge fan, so I gave someone a line like "she doesn't like it when people screw up her name," and then I was like, how do they know that? Because she rips anyone who gets her name wrong to shreds. Obviously. And of course, the only person this would happen to would be Scootaloo, since I had already decided she was immortal.
The not talking thing was an idea I used in another story I had been waiting to reuse. It has some plot importance I might develop in the sequel.
– – – –
After guilt tripping Twilight and Rarity into buying a bunch of useless crap, the Cutie Mark Crusaders stood in front of Fluttershy's cottage. They gulped.
Apple Bloom started backing away. "You know, I said this was going to be easy, but now that we're actually going to do it…"
"Oh, come on!" Scootaloo yelled. "Don't tell me you're getting cold feet now!"
"Well, this is where they found the corpse of that community organizer, isn't it?" Sweetie Belle said, looking down. "Who knows what could happen to us?"
"Yeah, but Fluttershy didn't have anything to do with that," Scootaloo said.
Apple Bloom nodded. "She said so herself. You can always trust Fluttershy!"
Sweetie Belle shivered. "But still…"
"Argh. If both of you are afraid, I'll do it," Scootaloo said. "Let's do this."
Scootaloo knocked on the door, and upon noticing it was open, walked in. The house appeared empty.
"Hey, Fluttershy?" Scootaloo said, a hint of nervousness in her voice. "You in here?"
They rounded a corner and saw Fluttershy choking the chicken. To death. No, like, literally, she was choking a chicken to death.
The other two froze in fear, but Scootaloo was used to such sights. After all, she was usually on the receiving end. "If you're busy, we can come back later," she said.
Fluttershy snapped the chicken's neck and said it was fine. She asked what the kids wanted.
"We-we're here to sell you some cookies for our school fundraiser," Sweetie Belle mumbled. "It's to, uh…" She looked at the bloody chicken corpse on the ground. "…fight animal cruelty, so if you're interested in that…"
"It's only 20 bits for three cookies!" Apple Bloom said.
Sweetie Belle backtracked. "But if you don't want to contribute, that's fine too…"
Twilight is a masochist I have no idea why I wrote this, and why it remained in the story for so long. I think I was depressed or something. It basically contradicts everything about Twilight's character.
"Did you come all the way down here just to tell me that?" Rarity asked.
"No."
"Then why?"
"Because I'm a masochist."
Rarity blinked.
"What would you do if I told you," she said, "that I laced this tea with laxatives?"
"I would believe you."
"Aphrodisiacs?"
"I'm desperate enough."
"Male hormones?"
"You're not even thinking outside the box," Twilight said. "Celestia's top student, remember?"
"What did they teach you, how to lace drinks?"
"Let's just say when Celestia gives you a drink, you check it first. I usually didn't."
Rarity reeled. "So you're really—"
"Stupid? Yes. Now immune to laxatives? Yes. A masochist? Probably."
Rarity started to reach for something, but Twilight stopped her. "No, I don't want a whip."
"But—"
"I like psychological torment better. I can probably blame Celestia for that, too."
Rarity thought about it for a bit. "Celestia, Celestia, Celestia… You're here because you can't think of anything to raise the sun, aren't you?"
"You catch on quick."
Mysterious energy signal!
It was a bright and sunny day. The sunlight poured down in torrents, pausing only when the gods of the land got into petty arguments about who got more attention (for it is in Equestria that our scene lies) and it got blotted out of the sky. It got better.
On this day, everybody was playing around, frolicking, having fun and having various lesbian relationships, possibly incestuous, when something mysterious happened. No, it's not the lack of "everypony." For us normal folk, dignity is not mysterious. It was a needlessly vague energy source forming in the Everfree forest! It crackled and sent out sparks everywhere, until suddenly there was a flash of white light and in the center laid a man, dignified yet hilariously out of place.
A couple of miles away, in a treehouse that, despite the lack of any patronage whatsoever, was apparently a library, an energy detector beeped.
"Twilight, it's another one!" Spike yelled from upstairs. Twilight raced down the stairs as quickly as she could. Then back up. Then back down. Then back up. Twilight was a bit wound up.
"You've got to be kidding me," she said with much panting and irritation. "Where is it this time?"
"Here," Spike said, pointing at some random spot on a radar like display. Twilight walked over to a desk, quickly did some calculus on an abacus, and pulled down a map of Equestria covered with thumbtacks and strings. She took off all the strings, because they were kind of useless, and tacked on another thumbtack, writing down a date and time next to it.
"Dammit…" she grunted, ruffling her hair. "As I feared, they have nothing in common…"
She turned around and noticed Spike was staring at her. "What?"
"Twilight! Language!" he said as if we hadn't read that joke a million times before.
Twilight stared back, annoyed. "Fine, darn it. Why do you care? That word hardly even existed before all this started!" She started teleport spamming. "Besides, do you know how stressful this is?" Poof. "How creepy it is?" Poof. "To have a creature come out of nowhere with an encyclopedic knowledge of you?"
"I get it! I get it!" Spike said, starting to back away. He decided against it, though. Twilight was popping around everywhere, and he didn't want her teleporting inside of him or anything. From what he heard, the results were painful even if your head was still attached afterwards. "I'm sorry. But you know the drill. We have to get the other five."
Twilight stopped. "Oh yeah, I forgot," she said. "I have a duty to spread misery." She walked out the door angrily, except she was on the second floor, which had no door, so she made a door with magic and then jumped out of it angrily. Twilight didn't like stairs.
– – – –
Twilight knocked on the door of Mr. and Mrs. Cake's bakery begrudgingly. She might as well take care of… that one first. The door opened with as much gut wrenching positive energy as possible. Pinkie Pie stared her down the nose.
"Who is it?" Pinkie Pie asked in her usual sickeningly happy demeanor.
"Pinkie! You know it's me!" Twilight yelled back. She was not in the mood for this.
"But you could be some other pony disguised as Twilight!"
"No, I couldn't."
"Prove it."
"You're the only one in town with costumes of us. Like that Fluttershy suit. You know, what's up with that? Why do you have those?"
"Rarity made them. She said she used them in the bedroom."
Twilight vomited a little inside her mouth. She magically teleported some of it to Fluttershy's house. "Oh, really?" she stammered, putting on a disconcertingly fake smile. "That's… nice."
Pinkie Pie clapped. With her hooves. I would say clopped, but, well, y'know. "And now I know it's the real you!" she said.
"What?"
"You always get so uncomfortable when I talk about Rarity's sleeping habits!" Pinkie Pie said, with naivety more forced than this story. "So? What did you want?"
Pinkie's antics had made Twilight completely forget, but this time she was prepared. She unstuck a post it from Spike's forehead, tearing off a couple scales in the process, and read it. "There's another one," she said, remembering what she was talking about. "Oh yeah, another one of those things appeared."
"Awesomelicious!" Pinkie Pie said, her head spinning around like some Lovecraftian abomination. "They always have the best cupcake recipes!"
"Oh, you mean the ones where they're always like ‘no matter what you do, never do this' before it?" Twilight said. "Look, let me just tell you this again. If someone dies during baking, they die in real life."
"It's the thought that counts," Pinkie Pie replied.
Twilight worried about Pinkie.
With the obligatory Cupcakes reference out of the way, they headed towards Rarity's house. In the background, Derpy made a cameo.
– – – –
Twilight knocked on Rarity's door by smashing Spike against it repeatedly. It had no knocker. It was the only option.
"Come in!" Rarity's muffled voice said through the door.
Twilight put her head up to the door. "What's all that noise in there?" she asked no one in particular, and without any desire to actually know the answer.
Unfortunately, Pinkie Pie obliged. "Oh, Rarity's just having another bachelor party," she said, with a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. "I helped her set up and Fluttershy guilt tripped all these guys into coming!"
"I don't think that's what a bachelor party is," Twilight said.
"Well, they aren't going to be bachelors after the party, silly!" Pinkie Pie replied.
Fluttershy got some more vomit teleported onto her lawn.
"L–Let's just get in there," Twilight said. "Spike, you just stay out here and fantasize about that." He obliged.
Twilight opened the door only to find every room filled to the brim with stallions. She had to wade through them like the house was a giant ball pit. No pun intended. Eventually, she found Rarity sandwiched in between Big Mac and Doctor Hooves. Derpy (or was it Ditzy?) tried to reclaim her lover, but she kept crashing into the window.
"Rarity! Dammit, girl, we need you!" Twilight yelled over the commotion.
"Why?" Rarity whined, as usual. "I'm having a good enough time here, as you can see."
Twilight leaned in closer to Rarity. "Another one of them has appeared," she whispered.
"So?" Rarity said. "Handle it yourselves."
"But Princess Celestia said!" Twilight said. "We all have to welcome them. We're familiar to them. We're the most popular. Doesn't that just stroke your massive, huge ego?"
"No."
"You wouldn't even be getting all this action if it wasn't for that one's idea."
"No means no."
Twilight rolled her eyes and caved. "If you go I'll introduce you to some rich bimbo from Canterlot."
Rarity beamed. "When can we leave?"
Pinkie Pie made out with some random dude.
– – – –
Next was Rainbow Dash, because her house was closer. I think. I don't really know how the town is laid out.
"Hey! Rainbow Dash!" Twilight screamed up to the cloud structure.
"Hey guys! What's up?" Rainbow Dash said as she shoved Scootaloo out of a window.
"Oh my god, what are you doing!?" Rarity yelled, staring at the plummeting pegasus.
Rainbow Dash shrugged. "Teaching her how to fly," she replied.
"It's basically how I was taught magic," Twilight said, also shrugging.
"Oh, okay then," Rarity said. Scootaloo hit the ground with a loud crunch right next to her.
"So, what do you guys want?" Rainbow Dash said.
"What makes you think we want anything?" Twilight said, offended. "We could just to be here to say hello."
"You haven't done that since you became antisocial again," Rainbow Dash said, not realizing the nerve she struck. Luckily, or unfortunately, Pinkie Pie stepped in.
"Another creature thingy has shown up!" she yelled with her limited vocabulary. "It's going to be so cool! And fun! And cool!"
Rainbow Dash shot up. "You mean a monster!?" she said.
Rarity scoffed. "No, she just means another one of those ," she said, being intentionally vague to irritate the readers. "It's just business as usual."
Rainbow Dash shot up again, but this time did a loop–de–loop, so we knew that she was happy. "Cool!" she said. "I can show someone else how awesome I am! Let's go!"
Scootaloo attempted to breathe, but to no avail.
– – – –
"Applejack!" Twilight screamed as loud as she could over all the noise. "Applejack! Hey!"
"Hey, Twilight!" Applejack said as she popped a wheelie on her bright pink monster truck, sending dust flying everywhere. A cardboard cutout of Twilight fell onto the ground and broke into pieces.
"Whoa! That. Is. So. Awesome!" Rainbow Dash said, clearly envious. "How did you get that!?"
"Rarity gave it to me," Applejack said as she hopped onto the ground. "Apparently she used it in the bedroom."
Twilight started to feel nauseous, but then realized what she just heard and just got really confused. She decided to ask the safest question first. "What's with the cardboard cutout of me?" she said, poking the remains of the broken one.
"Oh, that? That's a crash test dummy," Applejack said, laughing nervously. "I'm trying to practice to have passengers, but so far it's not going so good." She opened up the barn to reveal row upon row of broken, charred Twilight cutouts. Twilight looked at them in horror. Pinkie Pie nodded in approval. In the back, Apple Bloom stuffed some into an incinerator.
Closing the barn door as quickly as possible, Twilight moved on to her next question. "And why do you have a monster truck?" she asked, clearly dreading the answer.
"I need to get good at flair apple delivery," Applejack explained.
Twilight stared. "Is that even a thing?"
"It's the newest, biggest thing in that apple business. You know what they say, nothing makes apples taste better than adrenaline!"
"I've never heard tha—"
"Anyways, what are you here for, Twilight?"
Twilight began to get offended again, so Rarity handled it. "Oh, we just need to welcome our latest stupid Equestrian immigrant person," she said eloquently.
"Well, why didn't you just say so! Anything for Celestia!" Applejack replied. "Let's get going! All that's left is to get Flutterbutter, right?"
"Fluttershy," Twilight said. "You know how she gets when you screw up her name."
"Yeah," Spike said, so he wouldn't feel left out.
– – – –
The five ponies stood nervously in front of Fluttershy's treehouse thing. They gulped.
"So?" Twilight said. "Who wants to ask her?"
"Oh no, not me, I'm no good with animals," Rarity said, pulling off a quite effective burn.
"Same here," Applejack said, the joke having outlived its usefulness.
Twilight whipped her head around. "Wait, what? It's your job!"
"Yeah, herding apples. The rest of the animals are just there to get tax breaks," Applejack said.
"I can't do it," Rainbow Dash said. "She's been all prickly since we broke up."
Everyone looked at Rainbow Dash.
"Wait, what?" Applejack said. "When was this?"
"Yesterday," Rainbow Dash said as she drew a calendar on her wrist.
Rarity scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Oh, don't be so surprised, guys. I think we all knew that Rainbow Dash wa—"
"She told me I was the only one!" Applejack cried. All eyes went to Applejack.
Twilight started backing away. "Wait, you and—"
"She told me I was her best friend, too!" Pinkie Pie yelled.
"Pinkie!" Rainbow Dash said as she started to eat Applejack's hat. "The adults are talking!"
"But I was serious," Pinkie Pie said, her head hung low in shame, as it should be.
"That settles it!" Applejack said. "Let's ask the mare herself!"
Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack marched up to Fluttershy's door. Twilight, Rarity, and Spike, likely the only heterosexuals for at least a couple miles, watched in fear and amazement.
Spike wasn't so sure. He turned to Rarity. "You are straight, right?"
"Are you kidding me!?" Twilight snapped back at him. "I had to shove my way through at least 50 stallions to even get to her and you're asking if she's straight!?"
"Around here that's totally meaningless and you know it," Spike said.
Fluttershy answered the door.
"You'd better have a darn good explanation for this!" Applejack said to her.
"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie added.
Fluttershy provided an adequate explanation.
"Oh, okay," Rainbow Dash said. "That makes sense."
"Yeah, I didn't think there could possibly be a good explanation for this," Applejack said. "But that was!"
"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie added so she didn't feel left out, even though she totally was.
"Anyways, Twilight needs you to come with us to greet the latest person that popped up in Equestria," Applejack said.
Fluttershy said yes.
"Oh, and sorry about that vomit I teleported into your yard," Twilight said sheepishly.
Fluttershy said she fed it to the animals in a way that wasn't creepy.
"Oh, okay," Twilight replied. "That's cool."
– – – –
Now that the gang was all assembled, they headed into the Everfree forest.
"Why can't they ever show up in a nice, clean place?" Rarity said, pushing various vines, trees, and Fluttershy out of the way.
"What? Like your bedroom?" Twilight said.
"Yeah!" Rarity said, then paused. "…I see what you did there."
Fluttershy made a yo mama joke.
"Hey! Hey guys! I think I found it!" Rainbow Dash said from above. They all ran towards her voice and reached a clearing in the trees. That was when they saw him. Before them sat a man in a suit, a man with tan skin, short hair and easily caricatured ears. He raised his hand towards them.
"Hello," he said. "My name is Barack Obama. What political party are you?"
Twilight scrunched her face up. "Uh… Celestia's?"
"I'm fine…" Pinkie Pie said, gritting her teeth. "I just need to… get to the bakery…"
"Let me see!" Twilight said, running over. When she saw Pinkie Pie, she gasped.
Pinkie Pie was doubled over in pain. One of her legs had a green splotch starting to form at the bottom.
"Twilight!" Rainbow Dash said. "You know what this is!?"
"I… I don't… I think…" Not many diseases were around in Equestria anymore—at least not unless they had been royally whitelisted. "It could be gangrene, but I haven't heard of that existing for hundreds of years…"
"Okay!" Rainbow Dash said. "Guys! We need to take Pinkie Pie to the library as quickly as possible!"
Twilight facehoofed. "No, you idiots! She needs to go to a hospital!" she yelled. "For Celestia's sake, I'm a librarian, not a doctor!"
She grabbed Pinkie Pie and teleported to the hospital.
Rainbow Dash stared at the now empty spot. "Sorry?"
"Quick, girls! We need to follow her to the hospital!" Applejack yelled, running off. Everyone else followed.
"Hey, wait for me!" Rarity said. She started running, but tripped over something.
"Urgh…" she groaned, and tried to look back at what tripped her. The tile floor there had started to dip down and turn purple. Curious, she walked over to it and touched it. It was soft, and stretched down a bit.
"Was that always there…?"
– – – –
"So," Applejack asked Twilight, panting. "How is it?"
"Not good," Twilight said. "Gangrene is the doctor's best guess, too, but we've never seen anything like this. In the last hour it's advanced 3 inches."
"What!?" Applejack yelled. "That fast!?"
"I wouldn't believe it myself, but I saw it grow with my own eyes," Twilight said. "We sent out a piece of it for testing, but it won't be done fast enough." She struggled to say the next part. "We've determined… that before it spreads further, we have no choice but to perform an amputation."
Everyone stared in silence.
"Isn't there another option? There has to be another option, right?" Applejack said.
"We don't have time," Twilight said. "We can't take the risk of this spreading further through her body. It's causing her great pain." She looked down. "It's the only way."
Applejack swallowed. "How much time do we have?"
"Just enough to say some last words," Twilight said. "We should go in."
Solemnly, they all entered the surgery room. Inside was a doctor, a couple of nurses, and Pinkie Pie cringing on the surgery table.
Tears began to form in Rainbow Dash's eye. "Pinkie Pie…"
"Don't worry about me, okay?" Pinkie Pie managed to get out. "I just need to get to the bakery, that's all…"
"You know we can't do that," Twilight said. "After the… surgery, you can go there all you want."
"If you need someone to take you anywhere, I'll be there, Pinkie," Rainbow Dash said. "I'll… I'll be there, okay?"
Pinkie Pie looked worried. "Guys, really…"
"You've just got to believe us," Rarity said. "This is the only way."
Pinkie Pie looked up with a resigned understanding. "Fluttershy…? Are we friends now…?"
Fluttershy called dibs on Pinkie Pie's stuff in case she died.
"Good enough… for me…"
The doctor walked up with a handsaw. "It's time for the amputation," he said.
"Let's go outside," Twilight said, starting to walk out. "We don't want to see this, do we?"
"No," the doctor said, blocking her, "I can't let you do that."
Twilight stopped. "Excuse me?"
"It's the new law. After so many botched operations, the patient's relatives now have to watch to make sure it goes okay," the doctor said. "Celestia's orders."
Twilight twitched. "Celestia's what? "
The doctor lifted the handsaw over his head. "OKAY KIDS!" he yelled. "IT'S CUTTIN' TIME! " And he violently swung down.
The ponies winced as the handsaw hit the operating table with a thud. They stared at the scene in shock, motionless. Pinkie Pie was now missing a leg.
"...aaaand that's it," the doctor said, casually wiping the handsaw. "We'll send some crutches and the bill your way soon enough." He started heading out. "Now I've just got to to clean off the blood, and…"
"What… blood…?" Rarity stammered.
"What? The blood on the handsaw, obvi…" The doctor looked down at the pristinely clean handsaw. He looked back at the operating table. Also clean.
"What?" he said. "What's going on?"
They looked at the now unconscious Pinkie Pie, specifically where the amputation was performed. Twilight was the only one with the guts to make sure. She approached the spot and touched it. She got closer and took a sniff. She froze. Slowly, she turned around and faced the gang, her voice barely even a whisper.
"Cotton… cotton candy."
Silence.
"What is she?" Applejack said.
"I don't know." Twilight backed away, fearful. "I don't know."
They watched as the doctor and nurse screamed and ran out. No one stopped them.
They felt wind blow through the room, and turned to Pinkie Pie. Some kind of energy was gathering around the cut. It felt like every molecule in the room was flying towards it. Then, a bright light blinded them, and when they could see again, Pinkie Pie was bouncing around, all four of her legs intact.
"Hi guys!" she said. "What's up?"
They were at a loss for words.
"Pinkie Pie," Applejack said. "What are you?"
"I thought I told you guys!" Pinkie Pie said. "I'm cotton candy!"
"How is that even possible!?" Twilight screamed, breaking the golden rule.
Pinkie Pie inhaled. "Well, you see, since all the places I usually could have been born were destroyed when she kept messing around in time, the universe needed to get a little creative with how I came to be. Not to mention, the weapon also got destroyed, so you know, kill two birds with one stone!"
Before anyone had time to react, an angry lab pony burst into the room.
"Very funny," he said, his eyes on a report. "We tested that 'infectious disease tissue' and determined that it's… common mold."
Twilight looked at Pinkie Pie. "Common… mold?"
"Well, I'm cotton candy, so it only makes sense that I would get moldy, too, silly!" Pinkie Pie replied.
The lab pony slowly looked up from his report. "What? What are you people talking about?" he said. "And hasn't the operation started y—"
"Well, that's enough of that!" Applejack said nervously, pushing him out. "Thanks for the information! Now you better get back to work!" She shoved him outside and slammed the door shut, breathing a sigh of relief.
"How could we only be finding out you get…" Twilight winced. "…moldy now?"
"That's easy!" Pinkie Pie said. "I usually cut off my moldy parts before it gets this bad!"
"Now who's being silly!?" Applejack said. "We definitely would have noticed that!"
"That's why I bake them into my desserts!"
Silence.
"You what!? " Rainbow Dash yelled.
"Well, it's cotton candy, so it's not like it's bad or anything," Pinkie Pie said, rolling her eyes. "And everyone loves my desserts! They always ask me what my secret ingredient is! It turns out the secret ingredient is Pinkie Pie!"
Silence.
"So, let me get this straight," Applejack said. "You're made of cotton candy, you perform self-amputation every day, and we've been eating pieces of you for the last 10 years."
"Correctamudo!"
Applejack pulled her hat down and began to walk out. "I need to rethink my life," she said, stumbling out of the door.
Twilight cleared her throat. Might as well try to clear up some of the other mysteries. "And what about those space tricks that you do?" she asked. "How do you do those?"
"What, you guys can't do that?" Pinkie Pie said from inside a pill bottle.
Twilight groaned. "So it just… comes naturally to you?"
"It's just like walking!" Pinkie Pie said, bending space to get out of the pill bottle. "Heck, sometimes it's easier than walking!"
Okay, this was clearly going nowhere. "Um, next question," Twilight said. "If you can perform self-amputation every day, that means you can't feel pain, right?"
Pinkie Pie nodded.
"And the fact that you have all of your limbs means you can regenerate, right?"
Pinkie Pie nodded.
"So…" Twilight gulped. "You're immortal?"
Pinkie Pie thought about it. "You know, I guess I am," she said. "I never thought about it like that before. But I'm not like a normal immortal, like you or Celestia, because—"
"Wait, me!? " Twilight yelled.
Pinkie Pie covered her mouth. "Oops, that hasn't happened yet, has it? Just pretend I didn't say anything!" she yelled, panicked.
There was no way Twilight was ever forgetting that.
"So, if you're immortal," Rainbow Dash said. "Do you age? How old are you, really?"
"Same age as you guys!" Pinkie Pie said. "But I've always looked like this, though, so I guess I don't age. If you guys ever need any fixing up when you're old, like what I did for Ditzy, I'll always be around!"
Twilight looked confused. "What you did for…?"
Rarity quickly covered her mouth. "I don't think Twilight wants to know about that," she said. "You know, after all she's been through."
"But—"
"Look, do you want to sleep tonight?" Rarity whispered, panicked. "It's bad enough that I'm going to be kept up by something that isn't sex, I couldn't stand for two ponies being held back like that."
Twilight believed her and dropped it.
"So," Pinkie Pie said. "Is that it? Any more questions?"
"Fluttershy?" Rarity said. "You got anything?"
Fluttershy was too busy eating Pinkie Pie's severed leg.
"Guess that's a no," Rarity said. They all started walking out, but not before Pinkie Pie yelled and stopped them.
"I forgot one thing!" Pinkie Pie said. "Don't tell anyone about this! She said ponies would get bothered of they found out about me, and so far, everyone who's found out about me has disappeared! Promise me, guys!"
"Pinkie Pie…"
Pinkie Pie looked them all in the eye. Simultaneously. "Pinkie Promise."
Everyone was too scared to say no. "Pinkie Promise," they all said.
"Good!" Pinkie Pie said. "Now I have to go and make some cupcakes before the rest of me gets moldy. Since you guys already know everything, I'm just going to leave through the wall, okay? See you!" And Pinkie Pie left through the wall.
"What was that agreement you reached with Pinkie Pie about Pinkie Promises again?" Rarity asked. "She could put a hot iron on our face?"
"Yeah," Twilight said. "Not one of my best moments. But who would believe us?"
"Good point," Rarity said. "Let's go. Obama! Are you coming?"
Obama stared at the wall, traumatized.
"Guess not. Tootles!"
– – – –
It was the dead of night. Twilight tiredly knocked on her door, and Spike opened it.
"You sure have been out for a while," he said. "Where have you been?"
"Jail," she replied.
Spike put his hand on his chin. "That does explains a lot," he said. "What happened?"
"Trixie made me her prison bitch."
Spike stared at her. "No, I meant… wait, Trixie isn't in jail!"
"That did not help."
There was an awkward silence.
"Spike," Twilight said. "Take a letter."
Spike grabbed a quill and paper, excited. This didn't happen much anymore! Twilight cleared her throat.
"Dear Princess Celestia,
Pinkie Pie scares me.
Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle"
Spike finished writing. "That's it?" he said.
"Yep. Send it off."
Hesitant, he did. A couple seconds later, Celestia's response arrived. Spike opened up the scroll and read it.
"Me too.
~ Princess Celestia"
Spike looked up. "Wait, what? What's this about?" he said.
Twilight headed upstairs. "You don't want to know."
Twilight stared at the human through disheveled hair and tired, angry, bloodshot eyes. Oh dear god. It was another brony. Usually, she would be worried that she could tell, but the T-shirt of her was a bit of a giveaway.
"Welcome to Equestria," she grumbled. "You're in a land of magical ponies now. Deal with it."
The human seemed to acknowledge that however long his day was, hers had definitely been longer, and said nothing. He clasped his hand on the drive.
"What's that?" Twilight asked. "A hard drive? What's on it?"
"Oh, uh, nothing," the human replied nervously. "Really, you don't need to look at it."
"Well, it's government policy to examine electronics brought here, so you don't have much say in it," Twilight said, taking the drive. "Is there obscene amounts of pornography on it?"
"What?"
"The tech guys like having some warning. And… you know what, I'm done bullshitting, it's mainly so I can see that shit first. I mean, it's usually already ponies anyways, so blame yourself."
The human wasn't quite sure how to respond to that.
"Oh, and if you want to commit any sex crimes, the answer of the Ponyville citizenship test is to be creeped out by Lyra," Twilight said. "Rarity's really easy, but if you want Rainbow Dash, you're out of luck, I think she forgot what sex is. Me, Fluttershy, and Applejack are off-limits because she went insane, she got tired of this crap, and I don't particularly like humans, not necessarily in that order."
The human pretended to not make a mental note of that.
"And Obama's here. If you want to punch him, I'm more than willing to help out with that."
The human stared. "Obama's here."
"Apparently Chuck Norris had something to do with it."
The human held back laughter. "What could Obama possibly be doing here?"
"Trying to rally us to overthrow Celestia. Unfortunately, he's doing a pretty good job at it."
The human blinked. That sounded surprisingly awesome. "Anything I could do to help out with that?"
"Probably, but I'd like to limit the amount of innocent people involved in this. Not that you're innocent or anything, but it's probably going to end up killing us all. Don't tell anyone."
There was a moment of silence.
"Why are you telling me all this?" he asked.
"Because I've lost faith in the world," Twilight replied. "Why else would you appear during all this?"
The human paused. That was blunt.
"Follow me," Twilight said, walking away. "If you knew who Celestia was, you obviously already know about the show, but I'll show you the slideshow anyways. You'll probably think it's funny." She looked back. "And before you start wracking your puny brain about it the entire trip, no, that was in no way a come on."
The disappointed human followed.
– – – –
Rarity, with what Twilight assumed was feigned composure, sipped some tea. "Come on, he can't be worse than that one guy."
"That's just because he just got here. This one has a much higher creeper potential, trust me," Twilight said, fiddling with her teacup. "Oh, and I told him about the Lyra test, so if anything happens in there, it's your turn to clean it up."
"Why can't she clean up her own messes?"
"Because she uses her tongue. We've gone over this."
"Fine."
The two sat still, a hair widths away from screaming at each other. They both took a slow, deliberate sip of tea.
"Did you come all the way down here just to tell me that?" Rarity asked.
"No."
"Then why?"
"Because I'm a masochist."
Rarity blinked. "Excuse me?"
"I never committed suicide like the rest of Celestia's special students," Twilight said, "and I'm here with you, so what other explanation is there?"
Rarity thought about it for a bit. "Celestia, Celestia, Celestia… You're here because you can't think of anything to raise the sun, aren't you?"
"You catch on quick."
"Hi guys!"
"What?"
"Is that—?"
Twilight and Rarity looked up to see Rainbow Dash peering in through a window.
"Geez," Rainbow Dash said, "you two need to get a room."
Rarity looked around. "We have a room," she replied.
"And that's not what we're doing," Twilight said.
Rarity turned to Twilight, confused. "It isn't?"
"Not everything is about sex, Rarity!"
It was Rarity's turn to blow a gasket. "Well, when you come in here for no reason to tell me you're a masochist, what was I supposed to think!?"
"It was metaphorical!"
Rainbow Dash started eating popcorn, enjoying watching the two argue. It didn't last long.
"And you! " Rarity screamed at Rainbow Dash. "What was with the weather a couple hours back!"
Rainbow Dash looked confused. "What are you talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about! About eight, sky went almost completely black for 10 seconds! I didn't even know that was possible!"
"Well I wouldn't know anything about that," Rainbow Dash said. "I just woke up."
Rarity prepared to scream, but Twilight stopped her. "Okay, let's think about this rationally for a bit. What's more likely, that Rainbow Dash slept through the day, or that she not only did her job, but pulled off an unthinkable feat of weather management during it?"
Rarity thought about it. "That she slept through the day."
"That's right."
"Okay, now I'm just insulted," Rainbow Dash grumbled.
Twilight thought back. "But what was going on around eight that could've—" She stopped. No, it couldn't be. It couldn't be. And yet…
"I've got to check something out," Twilight said, running out. "Thanks guys!"
And she was gone.
"Well that ended unceremoniously," Rarity said. She eyed Rainbow Dash. "You doing anything tonight?"
Rainbow Dash looked a bit taken aback. "I thought you were straight."
"Do I look that picky?"
Rainbow Dash blinked. "I'd answer, but I'm pretty sure it would break the mood."
– – – –
Twilight ran with all her strength. Eventually, she got to the shed where they showed the slideshow to the humans. She ran inside, and pulled away random junk until she got a clear view of the projector. She always knew something was up with that thing. She quickly grabbed a film reel, took the projector outside, and set it up. Her heart racing, she inserted the reel and turned it on.
As usual, it lurched horribly, accumulated dark magic, and made an earth shattering groan. But Twilight wasn't looking at the projector. She was looking at the sky.
It flickered.
When she looked closer, she could see tiny distortions everywhere as it struggled to keep its shape.
Twilight turned off at the projector. That confirmed it. She wasn't sure how, but that projector had some connection to the sky.
It was the key to artificially raising the sun.
– – – –
"Twilight?" Applejack said while knocking on the library door. "Twilight? You've been in there for days. Are you okay?"
No response.
"Twilight?" Obama said.
"Come on, it's hopeless. She's just doing more egghead stuff," Rainbow Dash said.
"Come out, Twilight!" Pinkie Pie yelled. "I've got cupcakes! And they don't secretly have meat in them or anything!"
Still no response.
Applejack sighed. "Okay, Rarity, you're up."
Rarity inhaled. "YOU'RE NOT HAVING AN ORGY WITHOUT US, ARE YOU, TWILIGHT!?" she screamed.
After a bunch of loud thuds, Twilight busted out of the door. "For the last time, not everything is about sex, Rarity!" she yelled, then noticed everyone else. "Oh. Hi."
"You seriously need to get out," Applejack said. "Last time this happened, the town almost blew up."
"Last time what happened?"
"You forgot the outside world existed and did a bunch of horrible things in the name of science."
Twilight was taken aback. "What!? I don't remember that."
"You said you'd forget afterwards."
Twilight wondered if this happened often.
"Since you're here, want to see what I'm doing?" Twilight said.
Everyone gulped, briefly fearing their lives, but then they realized they weren't doing anything better today and went inside.
The library was even more of a mess than usual. Books, instruments, and papers were spread around everywhere. Equipment constantly hummed, printing out incomprehensible readings. In the center of it laid what was left of the projector, now almost completely gutted for parts.
"What's all this for?" Rainbow Dash asked, sensing it involved science somehow but not much beyond that.
"I'm working on a way to artificially raise the sun," Twilight replied.
"Okay," Rainbow Dash said. "Why? "
"Because we're overthrowing Celestia, duh."
"Oh, okay." Rainbow Dash let that process for a second. "Wait. What. What? What!? WHAT!? You're doing WHAT!?"
Twilight scrunched her face. "Oh, that's right, you slept through the meeting."
"Meeting!? You guys been having meetings!? How long have you all been having meetings!?"
"Since last evening," Rarity said. "Don't worry, you're not out of the loop. Yet."
"Thanks a lot," Rainbow Dash pouted, happy that her revenge plan was finally moving forward, but not that it was with these morons.
"So we're overthrowing Celestia, if that's clear," Twilight said. "Any questions?"
"Many," Rainbow Dash said. "First being… why? I could imagine Twilight wanting the throne for herself, but what about you guys?"
"She killed my parents," Applejack said.
There was an awkward silence.
"Okay, yeah, that's a pretty good reason," Rainbow Dash said. "So, about artificially raising the sun…"
"I was just about to get to that," Twilight replied. "Basically, since Celestia raises the sun with her magic now, and we need it to live, after overthrowing her we need—"
"A way to raise the sun ourselves, I figured that out," Rainbow Dash continued. "Let's get to the juicy part."
"Right," Twilight said, a bit amazed. "At first, I had no idea what to do, so I looked up what others had tried. Artificially raising the sun is the holy grail of Equestrian science, so there were plenty of attempts. Celestia actually funded some, to make her life easier, I guess. They all failed, though."
"Well, obviously, or we wouldn't be here," Rarity said.
"They all had one thing in common," Twilight continued. "They involved magic trying to manipulate the sky."
"Doesn't that make sense?" Applejack said.
"You would think," Twilight said. "I was stuck too, until I found that thing." She gestured at the projector.
"What's so important about that projector?" Rainbow Dash said.
"It gets power in a completely different way than anything I've seen," Twilight said. "You know how you can see things raise from the ground when you turn it on? It's somehow mining magic from the earth. And watch what happens when you do that."
She opened a window and turned on the projector. With its usual fanfare, it rattled around, and the light outside flickered a bit.
Applejack looked outside. "Did the sky just—?"
"Flicker? Yes," Twilight said. "And look at it a bit closer."
"It's… it's all squiggly."
Twilight turned off the projector. "To me, that makes it pretty clear. Whatever controls the sky is underground, and it doesn't like being mined for magic. And if something controls the sky… I'm not sure that's the real sky."
"Than what is it?" Rarity said.
"I don't know," Twilight replied. "But if you were Celestia, what better way to take power than creating a fake sky you control?" She looked at the projector again. "Anyway, I've been messing with sending signals underground and seeing if I can control it. So far, I can do this." She pulled a couple levers and a picture of her face appeared in the sky for a couple of seconds.
"That's… useful," Rarity said.
"Isn't Celestia going to notice these experiments?" Rainbow Dash said.
Twilight smiled. "Don't worry, if she asks, I have a response prepared."
She pulled out a scroll with the words "because science" written on it.
"Like she'll buy that!" Applejack said.
"Well, it's simple, and technically not a lie," Twilight said. "It's not strange at all for me to try to decipher the holy grail of Equestrian science. I would've tried it myself eventually no matter what happened. I'm just leaving out the part where it makes it easier to overthrow the monarchy."
"Guess you have a point…"
"I think I'm pretty close to figuring out how to change between day and night, but—"
"You need to get out," Applejack said, dragging Twilight by the tail.
"What?"
"You've been in there for days with no food, water, or love," Applejack said. "Who knows what'll happen to you if you stay in there?"
"I swear," Twilight said, "if you're hitting on me…"
"No, I'm not, I'm just worried," Applejack said. "Forgetting the outside world exists is dangerous."
"I haven't forgotten," Twilight said. "I've been doing this for you."
"Okay, now who's hitting on who!?"
"No, that isn't it! You said that you were going to storm the castle in a month, and I know that's a suicide mission, so I want to get everything done before then!"
"Now you're just being stupid," Applejack said. "I said I'd storm the castle in a month if you didn't have anything. You clearly have something, so I'm not. I just thought you were going to stall forever, and wanted to catch your bluff!"
Twilight gaped. She began to rethink her life. Or the last couple days, at least. "Then what the hell did I lock myself in the library for two days for!?" she screamed.
"Well, being prepared isn't bad, is it?" Rainbow Dash said.
"Yeah, but you guys should tell me these things!" Twilight yelled.
"Too bad!" Rarity said. "We're going to show you a good time today whether you like it or not!"
"Coming from you, that really scares me!"
"Come on, guys!"
Much to her protest, they all started dragging Twilight off.
In the distance, a figure watched through a bush. They got out a walkie-talkie, and looked around to make sure no one was watching. They slowly turned it on.
"Hello… I have a crime to report…"
---- SPECIAL FEATURES -------
Because everyone totally wants those.
