Get Thyselves a Room

by An Unimpressive

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Sex, Random, Princess Luna, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 5104

Luna keeps spying on Appledashing dreams and it's driving her mad.

Princess Luna is the guardian of the dreams of all the ponies in Equestria. She takes great pride and great pleasure in this duty, but when the dreams of Applejack and Rainbow Dash keep forcing themselves upon her, she finds her waking world tinted by the nightly passions of two ponies who can't quite seem to admit to each other what they want.

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Featured on Equestria Daily.

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Published 2013-02-09 20:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-09 20:40:01 UTC

Go dash some apples

“Well, you seem to have gotten yourself stuck in a tree there, partner.” Applejack chuckled as she walked up to a hapless Rainbow Dash, who had somehow managed to lasso herself to a branch of one of Sweet Apple Acres’ trees, pinning her two front legs and both her wings to the branch, in a display only a bondage fetishist or a knot enthusiast could be impressed by.

“Yeah, ha ha, Applejack.” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes as she kicked in frustration at the apple tree branch. “Help me out, would ya?”

“Hmm, I don’t know,” she answered, semicircling her with a playful grin. “I think I kinda like you all trussed up like a neat lil’ turkey. Why, you’re almost like a Hearth’s Warming Eve angel on ol’ Barky here.”

“Barky?”

Applejack rubbed a loving hoof on the tree’s trunk. “Yup.”

Despite her annoying situation, Rainbow Dash had to laugh. “You’re weird that way, you know that?”

“Oh, I’m weird a lot of ways, Dash…” Applejack said, advancing on the bound pegasus. Through a truly stunning display of flexibility and skill with ropes, Applejack slid Rainbow Dash to the end of the branch, causing it to hang low with her weight. Once again, Rainbow Dash’s rear legs could find purchase on the ground. The rope, however, still held her tail high, hanging her from the branch like a living ornament.

“Woah, that was awesome!” she said. “Now, um… if you could just untie me so I could get back to napping…”

“I dunno, you look plenty comfy there.”

“Come on, Applejack. With all the abuse you load on my tail, it’s gonna fall off one of these days!”

Without another word, Applejack advanced closer and closer, her half-lidded gaze fixed on Rainbow Dash’s exposed rear.

“A-Applejack? What’re you doing?” An involuntary blush rose to her cheeks as she considered the vulnerable, helpless position she was in.

“You like having your wings all tied up, don’t you? So gosh darned helpless. I like it too,” Applejack cooed as she lowered her mouth.

Rainbow Dash tensed up, feeling Applejack’s hot breath. “N-no…” A few moments later, she relaxed as Applejack went to work. A low moan escaped her. “Ooh, Applejack…”

“Ahhh!” Princess Luna screamed, tottering over from her trance. Her face twitched with the deadly insanity familiar to a pony who hadn’t slept well in ages. “Every… every time… I try to watch the dreams of all my ponies, but it’s always just those two…”

Two of her bat-winged guards appeared in moments, ready for action. “Your Highness, is everything alright?”

“All… all is well,” Luna said, her ears flicking like the flame of a dying candle. “All is well,” she said again, as though repeating it would make it true. “Go… go hence. I must be… alone a time.”

The guards retreated, though their faces were dubious. Both knew that she hadn’t dreamwalked well in weeks, and although she could go without her version of sleep for a time, the terrors she was experiencing were starting to take their toll on her.

Rather than slip into the seedy dreams of Rainbow Dash again, Luna strode to her trusty telescope. On an ordinary night, she used this to check on her stars before checking on her ponies’ dreams. Tonight, however…

She swung the telescope earthward, pointing it at an ostentatious cloud hovering just over Ponyville. Rainbow Dash was in her cloud bed, slumbering with a pleased grin on her face. Luna shuddered, her mind unable to keep from supplying what Rainbow Dash had just been dreaming about.

With a one-eyed glare, she swung her telescope down to Sweet Apple Acres with pinpoint accuracy. She had gotten used to keeping an eye on these two. Applejack, too, had a goofy, happy grin on her face, no doubt dreaming something equally lurid.

“It likes me not that these two should be so honest only in my slumbering realm, but not my waking one.” A frown grew on her face. “Still, t’would scarce be wise to meddle.” She massaged her head with her hooves. “Yet, what madness is this when uneasy sleeps the crown, thanks to the sleep of her subjects?” She groaned and stepped back from the telescope, slumping on the railing in despair. “O, alack! Anon sleep shall come no more for the princess of the night, and her subjects shall lack their nocturnal protector! Marry, what goodpony could hope to fill mine horseshoes?” She sighed, letting her eyelids flutter closed.

“Funny, they seemed to get along fine for a thousand years without such dramatics,” a familiar, lilting voice rang from behind her.

Luna waved a hoof in dismissal. “I know not from whence you came, sister, but pray go to. I am in no mood for gaiety this night.”

“I am sorry, Luna.”

Luna rose, feeling rather foolish for being draped over her balcony like some love-besotted noblemare in a play. She turned, seeing her sister, still with the dullness of sleep and dreams of her favorite student clinging to her. “Mayhaps I should apologize. I was short with thee ere I even knew thy purpose.”

Celestia advanced, rare hesitation hindering her steps on the wide balcony. Both their personal guard had withdrawn, giving them space. “What troubles you, sister? Please, tell me.”

Luna hesitated as well. She had been so weak at first after being purified, and they were still learning how to treat each other as equals again after such she had been such an… invalid, almost. Part of her wished to be held and comforted—like a filly, her mind whispered—but she decided it best to stand as an adult. “It is… difficult to speak about.” Her mind raced: how to explain what was the matter without seeming perverse?

“Is it Nightmare again?” Celestia whispered.

Luna’s ears twitched, a visual stutter that flowed to her left eye. Of course! Such a simple explanation. She could simply pass it off as her past demons and then fix the problem herself without her sister needing to worry more than was needed.

Or, for that matter, without her sister getting prime prankster material.

Luna said nothing, but nodded, adding a shudder for good measure.

Celestia slowly drew her in for a hug, sending a blush to Luna’s cheeks. “Don’t worry, Luna. It’ll fade in time. You’re all right now. You’re back.”

Luna, anxiety spiking through her for fear of Celestia seeing through her deception, shoved her away. “I-I know that! What, you… you think me some foal, unable to care for myself? E’en now, months after my recovery, you believe me an invalid!”

Celestia flinched, hurt. “Luna, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I… we…” Luna seethed.

“Just please. Try to get some rest. I promise, Nightmare Moon is gone.”

Luna shifted. “Would that that were the case,” she breathed, surprised at herself for the emotion tinting her voice.

The two stood there awkwardly, the unspoken gulf of a still-ongoing reconciliation dividing them. Celestia opened her mouth, as though to speak, but it was a long time before words came. “Good night, Luna. Please, be well.”

Luna nodded as Celestia alighted on the balcony wall. “I will be ruled by this. At least I shall try.”

“It is all we can do, Luna.” Celetia’s sad twinkle in her eyes spoke of much left unsaid, but this was familiar ground. It didn’t need to be spoken.

Luna stood very still for a long time, then closed her eyes, praying to anyone who would listen for her to be able to protect the dreams of somepony, anypony, who weren’t Applejack or Rainbow Dash.

“Rainbow Dash, you were supposed to be here hours ago!” Applejack cried, shaking a frustrated hoof at the clear spring sky above Sweet Apple Acres.

“Pssh. I come when I want, Applejack!” she shot back as she landed and rolled her eyes.

“I bet you do. Anyway, I need your help apple-bucking, since Big Mac can’t stop hurting himself with Granny Smith’s girdles.” She shook her head. “I swear that stallion just needs to find himself somepony. Why, the way him and Caramel look at each other, I dunno why they don’t…” She shook her head, flustered.

“Envious?” Rainbow Dash sang as she swam just above Applejack’s head, showing off her hovering skills.

“Wha? M-me?”

“Yeah!” she landed just in front of Applejack. “Him knowing what he wants, and just being almost ready to admit it… him being more honest than you…”

“Wh-what are you talkin’ about, Dash?” Applejack took a step backwards.

Rainbow Dash advanced on her slowly, stepping like a hungry predator. “C’mon, AJ. We both know what I’m talking about. You know just what you want, but you can’t bring yourself to admit it.”

“I… have no idea what you’re…”

Rainbow Dash chuckled. “Well, why don’t I just steal your Element and your heart… because I know what I want, and I’m not afraid to admit it.” She swept Applejack into a dip, her deep, crimson eyes sparkling as she bent down for the kiss.

“R-Rainbow Dash, I…”

“Shh,” Rainbow Dash whispered, just before their lips met in an explosion of satisfaction.

Both came up for air eventually. Rainbow Dash, still short of breath, asked, “So, you still ready to say there isn’t anything here?”

Applejack scooped Rainbow Dash onto her back. “Y’know what? Bucking apples can wait.”

“Take me, you magnificent beast,” Dash murmured into AJ’s mane, setting her heart afire.

Princess Luna, ruler of the night and protector of dreams, opened her eyes with a sigh. Time to brew some coffee.

The sun had at last risen. Luna had been glad to set the moon; maybe now she could get some sleep. She sat on her tower balcony, watching the sun peek over the horizon. Sunrises really were better when Celestia took her time, and she could admire them before she slept.

“Are you feeling any better this morning, Luna?” Celestia asked, landing on the balcony with practiced grace.

“Mmm.” Luna kept staring at the mixture of reds, oranges, and yellows melting into the gentle blue of the surrounding sky. “This has been missed,” she said, gesturing at Celestia’s beautiful work on the sunrise.

Celestia sat down next to her sister, noting the empty jug next to her. She sniffed, wrinkling her nose at the overpowering aroma of coffee. “Did you… get any sleep last night?”

“I tried,” Luna said simply.

“It’ll be okay. Time heals all wounds.”

“Would that this were of quarrel, and not…” Luna clamped her traitorous mouth shut, fearful of the uncouth thing she had been about to blurt. She shook her head. “It is… difficult to speak about.”

“Well, you’re not having any sudden images of shrouding the land in eternal night, are you?”

Luna directed a gaze that could wither an oak at her smirking sister. “You make light of the gravest of circumstances. I know not how you keep this up.”

“Laughter has power, you know.” The slightest tip of her horn lit up; the light was so dim Luna almost missed it. Amidst Luna’s musing on how she was doing that, a cupcake appeared out of thin air and splattered on her nose, embedding frosting into her coat.

“Your fey moods are beyond my ken,” Luna muttered as she sent the cupcake sailing down into the courtyard below with the swipe of a hoof and skulked off to find a shower.

After she had gone, Celestia lingered a moment to finish watching the sun rise. Her little ponies were only just starting to wake up, and she had a moment or two before she had to turn to business for the day.

She chuckled. “And yet, it worked, didn’t it?” She glanced over her shoulder at her sister, who was finally doing something other than brooding for the first time in over a week.

“Fling a cupcake at me…” Luna seethed as her hooves clicked on the fine marble floor of the royal baths. Steam hung in the air, and the carved reliefs of Celestia smirked down at her dirty state. She didn’t spare a glance for the curtsying servants rushing to prepare for one of her sporadic visits. “What lunacy is she—”

Luna stopped short upon hearing herself say the word. “Lunacy.” She trembled, not wanting to admit to herself where that had come from. “What would those linguistic pranksters say, were they to see me now?” She stood, lost in thought, just before the large jade tub being prepared just the way she liked it.

Semi-consciously, she registered a nervous mare telling her the bath was ready.

She immersed herself in the warm water. Only her eyes remained above the water’s surface, glaring at any treasonous bubbles like two emerald sharks.

However, in the face of their soothing foe, those sharks vanished behind blue lids as Princess Luna drifted off to sleep at last.

Rainbow Dash was cool, fast, and awesome. But she was also captured. As the famed secret agent pony struggled against the metal bands holding her legs and wings in place on the cold steel table, she couldn’t help but wonder how she had come to this place. The walls were rocky—a rare sort of igneous she knew to only exist on Evil Island, thanks to her knowledge of all things a totally cool secret agent of Equestria should know.

With total disregard to her chafing skin under her thinning coat, she continued working at one hoofcuff, praying she could get loose.

A familiar, yet strangely sinister down-home accent spoke from behind her. “Not very kind of ya to ignore this here hospitality, Miss Dash.” An orange earth pony wearing a top hat, a monocle, and a short, frilly pink skirt strode around, sneering at the bound super-awesome heroine who even Daring Do swooned over. Blonde hair fell just over her eyes and poked out from a conspicuous hole on her hat, which Agent Dash now noted was some unholy fusion of a top hat and a cowpony hat.

Dash gaped. “But… but… Agent Double Apple? You died in the Manehatten explosion!”

Dash’s very-much-alive former partner chuckled darkly. “Or so you believed, like the wool-headed fool y’are sometimes.” She strode up to the table and rapped a hoof on Dash’s head, as though listening for an echo.

“Whatever, it doesn’t matter! Just bust me loose and let’s get out of here!”

Dash’s head jerked to the side as a mighty orange hoof smacked her. “We ain’t going nowhere. Not ‘til the boss says otherwise.”

“No…” Dash whispered as her eyes widened in horror. “You don’t mean…”

“Ah, but she does, Agent Dash!” a voice that dripped “egghead” said. From the shadows of the room materialized an insane purple pony with a horn and wings. Her once-familiar mane now flowed in an invisible wind, and her eyes—which had once shone with such friendship and kindness—glowed with an eerie green cast.

“You,” Dash spat. Before she could give the villain a chance to respond, she glanced at Applejack. “But why? We were supposed to stop Project Alicorn! The risks were too great!”

Applejack turned away, unable to meet Dash’s gaze.

“I think you’ll find her a bit unreceptive to your pleas,” Twilight Sparkle said.

“Why, Twilight? You knew the risks of the dark magic! Look what it’s done to you!” Dash screamed, trying to reach whatever part of her friend might still remain in the insane pony before her.

“Oh, I am Twilight Sparkle no longer. I am now Princess Omega, Herald of the End!” Insane peals of laughter echoed off the walls of the chamber. “And I’m sure you’d love to hear all about it.” Before giving Dash a chance to respond, Omega launched into her traditional monologue. “I found this one on the brink of death after you blew up my last attempt in Manehatten.” She indicated Applejack, who was standing passively, staring into space like a statue.

“You see,” the insane alicorn continued, “I knew I would need a loyal minion after absorbing the powers of Celestia, Luna, and Cadance. So, I took her back to Lord Sombra’s prison, and let her bathe in the healing dim of his crystals for a while. And it made her all better, didn’t it?” In a flash of sickly purple magic, she was by Applejack, running a possessive hoof under her chin. “She’s so happy now. Aren’t you?” she cooed.

To Dash’s horror, the telltale green flash of crystal corruption flashed in her ex-partner’s eyes as she dully intoned, “Yes… so happy…”

“So why do this? What is Sombra after? Why bring me here?”

“Oh, those questions will soon no longer be of any concern to you, Agent Dash!” Omega strode over to a shelf and retrieved a helmet that appeared made to cover the upper half of a pony’s face. “Why, I thought to myself: if one former Equestrian Secret Service agent was good as a brainwashed minion, two would be great!” She strode over, holding the helmet in her magic. “So you’re just going to go to your happy place for a long, long time…”

Dash twisted her head about, straining with all her might against the bonds that held her. She wouldn’t fall to the corruption that had twisted two of her friends! With a roar of ferocity, she ripped free, just as the helmet was settling about her head. She batted the infernal headwear away and ran to Applejack. “Double—no, Applejack!” She wrapped her forelegs around Applejack’s neck and stared into her corrupted eyes. “I know this isn’t you! Fight with me! We have to save Equestria! Again!”

Applejack kept staring, and Dash could hear slow, furious hooffalls behind her. “It won’t hurt, Dash,” the thing that called itself Princess Omega whispered. “Twilight screamed before she was shown enlightenment, but she’s happy now. Isn’t it so much easier to just be blissful all the time? Under Lord Sombra’s power, you shall never want. You simply obey what he tells you to do, and you are at peace.”

“Remember, Applejack!” Dash screamed. No response. She shook her, hoping to rattle the crazy out, but nothing happened. Tears welled in Dash’s eyes as she thought of being forced to work against the land and the ponies she loved. With her awesomeness on the side of evil, Equestria—and the world—would fall in minutes, if not seconds! “Applejack!” Dash screamed, feeling Omega’s presence drawing closer in the stereotypical “slow, advancing villain” way. “I love you!” In desperation, she kissed her, roughly, hoping to shock her memory back to the mission in Saddle Arabia where they had had to pose as a fillyfooler couple. Not that Dash had been excited about it at all, and totally hadn’t almost jeopardized the mission to extend their stay by a week.

Applejack stiffened, then returned the kiss with a passion that bordered on crazy. “I—I remember, Dash!” she cried, coming up for air as the green glow faded from her eyes.

Dash kissed her again, just to be sure, but held back on the tongue. After all, there was a world-dooming alicorn to defeat. Again. Celestia, but Dash hated Thursdays.

The reunited couple spun, facing down their furious, manipulated friend. “The magic of friendship can do some great things,” Dash said, glancing at the swooning mare on her shoulder. “But you know what nothing can withstand, ‘Princess Omega?’”

“What?”

“The power of love!” Dash cried, as she drew Applejack in for the sloppiest, most overblown kiss in pony history. As they performed their special kind of oral wrestling, a pink glow formed around them.

“No…” Omega whispered.

The pink bubble grew the harder and awesomer Dash and Applejack kissed, and it exploded outward, racing towards Omega.

“Noooo! It’s too gaaaaaay!” Her voice faded into nothingness as the bubble overwhelmed her.

When the dust settled, Agent Dash, the greatest heroine of all time, stood triumphant over the rubble of Evil Island, with a mare clinging to each foreleg, just as it should have been. Spitfire had shown up for the debriefing but couldn’t help herself; Twilight had woken up grateful, in the Biblical sense; and Pinkie had appeared out of nowhere, her eyes wet with the crazy love that only the world’s best secret agent could inspire. And of course, Applejack was curled around the favored foreleg, the one where Dash had a happy spot.

“Oh, Agent Dash, you’re so righteous,” Applejack moaned as she gazed up at the mare who had saved the world again.

“This is also true,” Dash answered in a level tone as she donned a pair of sunglasses and watched Sombra explode into glowing cosmic dust a few feet away. “I also would have accepted ‘awesome,’ ‘radical,’ or ‘zang.’”

Luna punched the closest thing upon awakening and felt a dull satisfaction as a hole formed in the thousand-year-old tub she was floating in. Soapy water gushed onto the floor, where shocked servants scurried to mop it up. “Who sleeps during the day?” she muttered, her eye twitching as she considered how vivid Rainbow Dash’s dream had been.

“Don’t you, Princess?” a nearby unicorn guard joked.

Luna leapt out of the tub and landed right in front of the guard with an almighty thud. The guard’s purple eyes quivered with fear as she gazed with the fury that only a pony who hadn’t slept in far too long could know. “Keep thy simple thoughts to thyself! In fact, keep thyself to thyself! It would please your princess if you were not seen in this castle again!”

The guard’s knees were shaking. “Buh-but I… the…” Tears flowed from his eyes as he galloped away, blubbering something about an empty glass saving him.

“Foals! Foals, all!” Luna swore, glancing around in irritation at the assembled servants, who were all frozen in uncertain fear. Luna was still a relatively new addition to the castle (to them), so most were still uneasy around her.

Moon, but it would have been so much easier, in a way, if she were alone again, she thought to herself. But then again… she looked once more at the frightened pony faces staring at her, halted halfway through fetching towels or scrubbing floors, and guilt stabbed through her heart.

They’d looked at Nightmare Moon like that, too.

Was she truly allowing these disruptive dreams to affect her so much? She of all ponies should have known a thing or two about dealing with the world of dreams.

Unable to face their expressions, she fled, taking wing into the mid-morning warmth, water trailing behind her. She didn’t care where she went; anywhere was better than right there.

Her wings led her to Ponyville. Enough was enough; now was the time for action.

She found the two, as she knew she would, at Rainbow Dash’s favorite napping tree at Sweet Apple Acres, where Applejack had just bucked Dash out of the tree again. It was their usual morning routine, as she had observed over the past month.

She landed with a heavy thud; those royal adornments were much heavier than she remembered. She teetered for a moment, then fell over, sending another small tremor through the ground.

“Woah nelly!” Applejack said, jumping in shock.

“Hey, isn’t that Princess Luna?” Rainbow Dash’s voice said through the haze of pain and disorientation Luna was battling.

Luna cracked her eyes open and saw blurs of blue and orange above her.

“Rainbow and Apple… pray fornicate already…” she murmured, dizziness still ruling her senses. She smiled, imagining the two ponies simply fulfilling their wishes so she would stop wandering into their nighttime yearnings. Or sometimes daytime yearnings, in Rainbow Dash’s case.

“Er, beg yer pardon, Yer Highness, what was that?” Applejack asked.

Luna’s eyes shot open with sudden clarity to find Rainbow Dash and Applejack standing over her disgraceful landing site.

“Wow, Luna. That was a pretty awesome landing… until it wasn’t!” Rainbow Dash said.

Applejack elbowed her just below her wing. “Rainbow!”

“Er… ha ha… Your Majesty and… such,” she said, stumbling over her words with a slight splash of red amongst her blue.

“Now, how could you disrespect Princess Luna like that? It sure is a good thing we could get you under control before you caused more trouble. I’ll have to punish you, ya little varmit.” Applejack had Rainbow Dash tied to a bed, a bit shoved in her mouth.

Rainbow Dash tried to yell something, but the bit muffled it. Her tone spoke of fear, but her shining crimson eyes screamed of anticipation.

Applejack slowly climbed up on the table, looming over Rainbow. Her mouth hovered just next to one of her captive’s erect ears; a riding crop had appeared in her mouth. “Just let me ride you a little,” she whispered. “I want to break you, Rainbow Dash.”

“L-lewd!” Luna ejaculated, aghast at what she was seeing.

“Um… what?” Rainbow Dash asked.

Luna blinked. And blinked again. The two ponies were exactly where they had been standing before; no random bondage gear or riding crops could be seen.

“But thou… and thine…” Luna glanced over at the bed she’d been transfixed on moments before. A perfectly ordinary rock sat there, basking in the sun.

Rainbow Dash tried and failed to stifle a snicker behind a foreleg. “Wow. It takes a pretty special pony to act like that!” She fell over, rolling on the still-dewy grass as her howls of amusement floated upward on the calm spring air.

Luna glared, unamused, as Applejack’s eyes flitted between the two.

Her ears flattened as she chuckled nervously in her backcountry way. For a moment, she joined in the laughter, adding an uneasy chuckle to Rainbow Dash’s guffaws. “But uh, in all seriousness, Yer Highness, are you alright? Can’t imagine that’s how you uh… planned on landing.”

Luna’s eye twitched, and she seethed inwardly. Even these two, the two who were the cause of her troubles, were treating her like she couldn’t take care of herself! Her glare grew frostier as she stared at the two foals, one indelicate and the other far too delicate. How could they not see that they were the perfect pair? How could they fail to act on their feelings?

“No, it is clear,” Luna said, a crooked smile overtaking her countenance. “’Tis.” She strode over to them, the picture of calm, if one failed to account for her expression, disheveled coat, ruffled feathers, and unblinking stare. “The meddlesome stares do trouble you? Happy then that I have a plan.” She bent over to a suddenly unnerved Rainbow Dash. “The judging stares, the whispered words… why was it not known to me sooner? I shall conceal thee.”

“Um… what are you talking about, Princess?” Applejack asked, taking a cautious step forward, her flattened ears speaking of her continued obstinacy in the face of an obvious solution.

Luna barked a quick laugh. “Yes! It is so clear.” She stepped away from Rainbow Dash and began to pace. “Alone time. Yes. Just need to be alone. Yes. Alone. Distance. Space. Space! Of course. Simple! Oh, so simple I am!”

“Princess?” both ponies asked at the same time.

Luna turned, knowing the embarrassed blush on their cheeks was a sign they were hard gay for each other. Clearly, at this very moment, they wanted nothing more than to dash into some apple grove and let the woods be witness to their explosions of joy. Yes. “And as the princess of dreams, is it not my charge to ensure that dreams are protected? Fulfilled?”

“Um.” Rainbow Dash shot a befuddled glance at Applejack, who shrugged.

“Forsooth, there shall be plenty of time to dash thine apples… on the moon!” Luna cried, lighting up her horn with magic.

Before so much as a “Wait, Princess, what in your name are you talking about” could be uttered, a cloud of inky magic sparkled around Applejack and Rainbow Dash, and in moments, they had vanished.

Back in Canterlot, Luna rested with a contented sigh on her balcony. She had managed to catch a brief nap—one free of lesbian pony fantasies—so she felt better than she had in weeks. Celestia was busy “lecturing” Twilight Sparkle, so she would be unreachable for a few hours. Or a few minutes, depending on how pent up they both were. Besides, it was the night, so she could be alone, free of anypony bothering her about her feelings or other such nonsense. A period of solitude on the moon could be cleansing; Luna, better than anypony else, knew this. She knew she had come back completely healthy.

A shooting star crossed the sky, and Luna instinctually kicked out with her back legs, did a little dance, and added another scratch mark to the tally on the worn stone she sat upon. “If I remember the tally from the moon correctly…” She furrowed her brow a moment. “One hundred twenty-one score and twelve!” As was her custom, she licked the stone dust from her hoof.

One picks up odd habits during enforced exile.

Luna floated her telescope over with her magic, and hesitated—just for the barest instant—as she realized the moon was full and beautiful tonight. Dared she to check up on the literal honeymooners? “Oh, I dare,” she whispered, a playful look coming over her face. She checked the moon’s surface and saw the tent, laden with food and… supplies… including a comfortable bed from her thousand-year exile.

Outside the tent, Applejack and Rainbow Dash sat, listlessly playing tic-tac-toe in lunar dust. There were no signs of violent passion there. None at all. How could this be? A dollop of sweat rolled into Luna’s left eye, obscuring her view. She flinched away and blinked.

Behind her, a sweaty, irritated Celestia harrumphed. “Luna, a guard just rudely interrupted my private lessons with Twilight to inform me that Applejack and Rainbow Dash have been missing from Ponyville all day. You don’t know anything about that, do you?”

Visions flit through Luna’s mind: more nights of haunted sleep. More seeing things that weren’t there. More snapping at innocent ponies over nothing. More playing matchmaker for the two ponies who clearly meant the world to each other but didn’t act on it and she wasn’t just imagining it or taking a dream out of context not at all.

Luna’s primal howl of rage could be heard for miles.

Author's Note

I have always been of the opinion that nothing should be sacred in comedy. Appledash isn't really my thing, but I had fun with this. Hope you did too.