00J: Donut Joe in...Goldhoof

by Stratocaster

Rating: everyone
Tags: Dark, Romance, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 4499

Donut Joe lives his secret life as a spy

Donut baker by day, secret agent by night. Everypony knows Joe for whipping out the tastiest donuts in Equestria. But little do they know about his secret second life as Con Mane, one of Princess Celestia's most decorated spies in the Equestrian Secret Service. He has accomplished numerous covert missions, as well as stolen the heart of many a fine mare. But nothing can prepare this moonlighting pastry chef for one of his most daring missions yet!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-13 04:58:54 UTC

Mane...Con Mane

00J: Goldhoof

By Stratocaster

Chapter 1: Mane...Con Mane

The harbor was silent as Luna's moon hung in the night sky. But all was not at peace in the Baltimare pier. Tied to a lonely wharf, a rusty old trawler was being loaded with cargo by three shifty characters. It was none other than the devious Diamond Dogs, who busied themselves with hauling their all important stash.

"Hurry up, you mangy muts!" seethed Fido, as he stood aside the other two. "We don't have all night. We gotta get this shipment out by morning."

"Well, in case you haven't noticed," replied Rover under strain. "It's a little difficult lifting crates full of gems!"

"Yeah," added Spot. "A little help would be appreciated."

"Just keep pushing you idiots!" barked Fido.

After several more crates being stowed away below deck, the dogs readied their vessel to set sail.

"Alright, that's all of them." Fido said.

"Wait, boss," replied Spot. "What do we do about our...prisoner?"

"Eh, go rough him up a bit. See how much he knows he knows."

"I don't know," said Rover. "That pony is no joke. I hear he's one of the best spies in Equestria."

"Well he's not gonna get the word out on our stash." Fido left his companions to head below deck. "I think I'll go give him a piece of my paw."

He climbed down the gangway and walked through the dank corridor under the deck of the old boat. Fido then reached a metal door further down the hall and turned the lock opening it with a clank. Before stepping in, he surveyed the dim empty room that was once used as a freezer. Across the small cargohold on the other side was a simple wooden chair, but with nopony sitting on it. Fido began to fee suspicious and cautiously stepped through the doorway. But before he could fully enter, his face was met with an unexpected hoof swinging from the side. The punch knocked Fido into a daze as he immediately collapsed and passed out.

As the fainted dog lay like a husk on the cold floor, his asailent stepped out of the freezer. A tan unicorn stallion, complete in a tuxedo, slicked his brown mane back and looked down at the mut discerningly.

"You call this a pleasure cruise?" mocked Joe, as he adjusted his bowtie. "The accomodations are atrocious."

Free at last, Joe tiphoofed down the metal corridor, keeping flat against the wall. Sneaking along, he soon found another metal door labeled 'NOTHING HERE'. Joe confirmed his target and began work.

He attempted to turn the wheel on the door, but it would not budge as it was somehow locked. It was time for plan B. Looking to the left and the right for any more baddies, Joe stepped back and pointed his left hoof at the sealed door. With a click of a button on his watch, a thin beam of red light instantly shot out and sizzled against the door with a hiss. Slowly, he made a circle with the laser, cutting a hole in the door big enough for him to fit through. The hole was finally completed, and the removed piece of the door fell with a clang. Joe cringed, fearing he had already made too much noise; he had to work quickly.

He squezed through the makeshift entrance and set his sights on what he had come for. The small room was full of crates, but only one was foolishly marked with a black X. Joe stepped up to the crate and picked up a crowbar to peel the top off. Cringing again at the amount of noise, he looked inside at the motherlode. The crate was filled to the brim with shimmering gemstones, all of different colors, sizes and cuts; but they were not what Joe was looking for. He reached his hooves down and dug through the priceless jewels until he felt something different. He then pulled the hidden object out from the crate and analyzed it; it was a clear cylindrical container used in mail tubes. Joe turned the container until he found the text on the paper inside, which read 'Canter Castle Bank Vault Code' with 'TOP SECRET' stamped in red over it. With a sly grin, Joe replaced the top back on the crate and read more from the paper.

"Hold it right there, pony boy!"

Joe snapped around at the raspy voice. Standing in front of the burned out hole was Rover with a menacing scowl. The beady eyed dog beat his fist into his paw as he stared down the intruder. Joe darted his eyes, planning his next move; then, he smirked again. He then turned back around and suddenly hurled the mail container out the porthole on the wall, smashing the glass. Rover stared bugeyed as the parcel made a splash outside.

"You fool!" he growled and lunged at his foe with a swinging fist.

But Joe saw the punch coming and turned to swat the paw away with a block. Then he landed a punch to the face with his left hoof. Rover stumbled backwards, then snarled again as he began swiping madly at the stallion. Joe managed to swerve to and fro, dodging him completely. With the mangy dog now exposed, Joe kicked a knee into his stomach, then hammered a hoof onto his back, making him collapse to the floor with a thud. After one more kick to the muzzle, Joe finally knocked Rover out cold; but his habit of hiding his tracks forced him to lift the dog's body and stuff him inside the opened crate of gems. He closed the top and walked out into the corridor again.

"I didn't know jewels were a dog's best friend." Joe muttered to himself.

At that point, as he sneaked down the hall, Joe was sure that he would make it off this tub with the information he had come for. But his hopes were quickly dampened by the sound of a loud roar from below. The roar suddenly grew into a steady clanking hum; Joe knew that the engine was starting and this boat was underway.

Disregarding the noise of his hooves against the metal floor, he cantered off down the corridor and up the gangway that led to the top deck. But upon reaching the top, he immediately saw the dock dissapear in the distance, as the boat chugged away through the moonlit harbor. Joe exhaled quickly and prepared himself for a cold swim. But his concentration was broken as he was pulled back and thrown down to the deck. He grunted and looked up at his attacker.

"Oh come on." He sulked.

Fido smiled deviously. "It's gonna take a lot more than that to stop me!"

Just then, Joe was pinned down by two more unknown paws. Spot picked him up and held him still, as Fido prepared for an easy beating. But as the bulky dog reared his fist back, Joe quickly spun a one-eighty, dangling Spot off his shoulders and leaving him to take the punch. With the ratty mut now weakened in grip, Joe grabbed his paws and threw Spot over his head and into the wall of the wheelhouse; an emergency kit fell open and toppled over his head as he lay.

Suddenly, Joe was lifted into the air as Fido grabbed him and held him over his head. He writhed trying to free himself from the hulking dog's grasp, but, as always, remembered plan B. Joe stretched his hoof downward and aimed his watch at Fido's tail. He clicked the button on the watch, sending the hot red beam shooting into the exposed tail with a sizzle. Immediately, Fido yelped and dropped Joe on the deck, before running in circles and grabbing his scorched tail.

Joe saw his chance at jumping overboard and making his getaway. But before he could break for the water, he heard a cackling laugh from where Spot landed. He looked to see the sniveling dog lying on the deck and pointing a flare gun straight at him.

"You're goin' out with a bang!" chuckled Spot.

Joe narrowed his eyes and thought fast. He looked back at Fido, who was now sitting on the deck pathetically blowing out his tail, and reached for his neck. In one fell swoop, he snatched Fido's collar and hurled it towards Spot. The weight of the gem on the collar hit Spot on the paw, causing him to fire the flare into the sky. The two dogs and one pony looked up to see the tiny rocket fly in eratic circles over the boar, due to the trajectory of the gun. Then, they watched as the flare pointed downwards and zoomed straight toward the boat itself. In a split second, Joe sprang and launched himself off the edge of the boat, after seeing the crazed rocket shoot down the smokestack.

"Oh crap." Fido uttered at the last second before the blast.

A freak explosion from the engine room erupted from the boat's deck, causing it to go up in flames with a deafening boom. In mere seconds, the old vessel began to sink below the darkened water as it was encased in flames. Nearby, Joe's head burst from the water's surface as he gasped for breath. He turned around and watched the blazing trawler dissapear below the water, before paddling towards the nearest land.

Eventually, he found a small beachhead where the hushed tide lapped gently over the sand. Joe walked upon the beach and shook off the cold water from his soaked mane and tux. Then, he made his way across the sand over to his target in waiting. A few yards away was a young mare lying on her back upon the sand and looking quite relaxed in her two piece bathing suit. She looked at Joe seductively as he straightened up and walked over towards her.

"What took you so long?" asked Bon Bon, stroking her side.

Joe knelt down and responded with a smile. "Just going for a midnight swim, darling. You know how hard I work."

"Oh come now, Mr. Mane." Bon Bon rubbed his cheek. "Are you going to keep me up all night?"

He raised a suave eyebrow. "Only if you want me to." Joe stared at his companion knowingly as he prepared to ravish her.

But the mood was killed by the sound of pained moaning coming from down by the wake. Joe looked to the side to see a shadow crawl out from the water. It was Spot, now covered in burns and bruises. Joe gave Bon Bon a wink and got up.

"One moment, dear."

He walked down the beachhead and towered over the pathetic mut, who only looked up at him with traumatized eyes.

"Who...who are you?!" quivered Spot.

Joe adjusted one of his shirt cuffs before readying a final punch. "The name's Mane...Con Mane."

Equestrian Intelligence 6

Chapter 2: EI6

Joe whistled a tune as he scrubbed the counter the next morning. It was a clear day in Ponyville as his donut shop was seeing good business from his usual customers. On a table close by sat the Elements of Harmony enjoying and chatting over a delectable breakfast. Pinkie Pie spoke with a mouthful of jelly donut.

"Mm mm! Joe, I've said it before and I'll say it again," she spewed crumbs. "You make the best donuts in Equestria!"

Joe chuckled. "Ah, you give me too much credit, Pinkie. I couldn't do it without my best customers bringing in business. Especially you, Twilight; ever since you moved here, you and Spike have been my most frequent customers."

"Well, I couldn't start the day without one of your Prench crullers and a nice coffee." Twilight smiled.

Joe then turned to the other unicorn of the group. "Uh, Rarity, have you decided yet?"

Rarity stood at the counter looking at the display dishes in the glass. "Hmm, I should really should be watching my figure." She said, staring unsure at the Poston cream. Then she smiled with a flick of her hoof. "Oh who cares? I'll take three!...and a mocha latte...with extra cream."

"Coming right up." Joe answered.

Applejack munched happily. "Mm! Lansanks, Joe, these apple fritters might be just as good as Granny Smith's."

"I know, right?" replied Pinkie. "It's hard to believe that a secret agent could make such great pastries."

"Secret agent?" queried Applejack.

"Oh no, not this again." Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, and put down her chocolate glazed. "Pinkie, for the last time, Joe is not a secret agent."

"Wait, is this about that whole mystery on the dessert train?" asked Twilight. "Pinkie, I thought we established that Joe was innocent."

"Um, DUH, I know that, Twilight." Pinkie retorted. "But I still say he's Agent 00J, a.k.a. Con Mane!"

"Pinkie, we keep tellin' ya," sulked Applejack. "There is no way that Joe is Con Mane."

"Um, yeah, I kind of agree." Fluttershy chimed in. "I mean, Joe doesn't exactly look like Con Mane, really."

"Wait, how do ya know what Con Mane looks like?" Applejack asked her, suspiciously.

"Yeah, it sounds you think he's a real pony." Rainbow added.

"Oh, uh, I didn't say anything. Um, what I meant was, uh," Fluttershy muffled the rest of her sentence by shoving a chunk of powdered donut in her mouth. She darted her eyes as she awkwardly wiped the powder from her face.

"But it's true!" continued Pinkie. "I just know that they're the same pony!"

"Pinkie dear," said Rarity. "I don't see how a pastry chef could possibly be a secret agent. I'm sure Joe will tell you himself."

"She's right, Pinkie," spoke Joe. "I'm afraid the spy life is a little too exciting for me. I'm happy just to be serving the fine folks of Ponyville. But thanks for thinking I was actually that cool."

"See, Pinkie?" added Twilight. "You shouldn't be going on about wild beliefs. Thanks for breakfast, Joe, we'll take a box with us."

"Sure thing, Twilight, it's on the house." Joe placed a box of donuts on the counter giving it to her.

Pinkie narrowed her eyes. "Fine, don't believe me. But I know something about Joe that he won't tell you. And you're all just jealous of that."

"Whatever you say, sugarcube." Applejack said as she and the rest walked out of the bakery.

"Come back soon, ladies!" called Joe as they exited and waved back at him.

A few minutes passed as he waited alone for his next customer. Then, a mysterious black carriage rolled up outside, alerting his attention. A male pony exited the vehicle dressed in a black suit and tie with wraparound sunglasses. The pony approached the donut shop and entered.

"Mr. Mane, you're wanted for emergency briefing at EI6." He announced.

Joe darted his eyes in confusion. "Uh, what are you talking about? I think you have the wrong pony. My name is Joe. Can I get you a coffee or something?"

"Just follow me to the carriage, sir." The pony then returned to the black carriage outside.

"If you say so." Joe took off his apron and followed him to the buggy. As the pony opened the door for him, Joe muttered angrily to him. "If you're going to call me to the office, the least you can do is not blow my cover!" He then climbed in.

"Sorry, Mr. Mane." The pony replied as he closed the door.

For the next several minutes, Joe sat through a smooth ride to an undesclosed location. Irritated, he changed into a tuxedo waiting for him and neatly combed back his brown mane, as he wondered what was so important that he had to be summoned without any time to close up shop. It didn't make him feel better that the windows were tinted blocking any view of the world outside. Before long, he finally heard the carriage stop and the door was opened. Joe found himself walking through a parking garage and down the familiar concrete hallway. He passed through several doors each with a different security check; hoofprint recognition, eye scan identification, voice recognition, etc. Eventually, one finaly door stood in his path; an ordinary wooden door with no lock of any kind. Joe opened the familiar door and entered the cozy little office. Lined with wood panneling, the room featured warm lighting, a large bookcase and a couple cushiony chairs. Then, there was the mahogony desk with the cute little secretary sitting behind it. Joe smiled at the duckling yellow pegasus with the long pink mane.

"Oh hi, Con," she greeted, filing away random papers. "It's good to see you again."

"Likewise, Flutter Petty," winked Joe. "You look nice today, as usual."

"Oh um, thanks." She blushed. "Um, by the way, M wanted to see you as soon as you got here. It sounded important."

"I'll get right to it." He started toward the door on the other side of the office, but then stopped. "Flutter Petty, is there something you want to tell me?" he asked suspecting her shyness.

Flutter Petty twirled her mane nervously. "Well, Con, um, I was wondering, uh, if you would like to...go on a date sometime?"

"I'd love too, but I'm afraid I'm a bit swamped at the moment. Maybe some other time."

"Oh, okay," she looked down dejected. "Well, why don't you at least take a donut?" she pointed to a box on her desk. "I got it from Joe's in Ponyville. You'd really like him; he makes the best donuts."

"I'm sure I would." Joe then took a sprinkled donut from the box then made for the door. "Thanks, Flutter Petty. Stay beautiful, darling."

"Oh, I will." Flutter Petty smiled as he exited. She sighed after the door closed. "You don't know what you're missing, Con."

Joe then proceeded through a large round room that was the center of EI6. All around, there were anonymous ponies busying themselves with computer consoles and recording machines, while others scurried about with documents and mail tubes. A series of metal sliding doors lined the wall around the room; one labeled 'HANGAR' another 'ARMORY', 'RESEARCH', 'PSYCH WARD', 'CAFETERIA', etc. But Joe only focused on one door on the far side. Upon entering, he walked up a long staircase leading to yet another door labeled 'M'. He walked through, entering the personal office of his boss. M greeted him harshly.

"00J, where the hay have you been?!" scolded Mayor Mare, a.k.a. M, sitting at her desk.

"Sorry I'm late, M," replied Joe, calmly stepping up to her. "Just needed a bit of normality this morning."

"Don't give me that! I am FURIOUS about your performance last night in Baltimare!"

"Oh...that."

"Sinking an entire ship and making headlines is not how I expected you to carry out this mission. But more importantly, you lost valuable information! I could have you fired!"

"Relax, M, I memorized the code to the Princess's vault. Steel trap." He poked his head a little.

"Oh that's just great." M facehoofed. "Now we have to extract the imformation from your memory due to your carelessness. I swear, Mane, when will you stop being so reckless? This is not what I had in mind when you entered the Equestrian Secret Service."

"I think Princess Celestia herself would have something different to say." Joe cocked an eyebrow. "Considering her information is safe and sound."

"We'll just see about that when your memory is scrubbed after this meeting. Now listen up, Mane, there's a reason why I had you retrieve the code to the Canterlot Castle vault. It was to keep it from the eyes of this pony." M passed him a photograph. It depicted a middle aged stallion with a bright gold colored coat, white mane and a devious smile. His cutie mark was a brick of gold. "His name is Goldhoof, and he has become an enemy to the crown."

Joe stared at the photo curiously. "What's so bad about this old geezer?"

"We have evidence to believe that he is running his own underground smelting operation. This pony is obsessed with gold, and he will do just about anything to get his hooves on it; whether legal or not."

"So why hasn't the Royal Guard done anything about it?"

"Apparently he has friends in government trust organizations to keep his operation safe. So far, we have been unable to track him. But just yesterday, we received a tapped transmission that he is planning something far more sinister than an illegal gold foundry."

"I think I have a pretty good idea-"

"Shut up, let me say it! Goldhoof is planning on breaking into Canterlot Castle and stealing every ounce of gold from Princess Celestia's vault."

"...Wow, that is sinister."

"Mane, it is crucial that this matter is taken care of by Equestrian Intelligence. If the Royal Guard try to stop Goldhoof, it'll only cause an uproar and he'll go further into hiding. This is a mission that can only be assigned to a 00 agent. And that's where you come in, Con."

"So what do you expect me to do, M? Besides smuggle my way through a crate of gemstones?"

"I'll keep in mind of how fruitless that was. No, for this operation, you'll have to do some undercover work. Goldhoof has also mentioned in the tapped transmission that he is staying at the Wingdham Hotel in Los Pegasus tomorrow. I need you to find him and earn his trust, any way you can. It's important that you get any information from him about his alleged castle heist."

"Ah, I hate these undercover missions. There's not enough action."

"Well at least they help keep you out of trouble. This has to go off without a hitch, Mane. Princess Celestia keeps more than 200 billion bits in gold inside that vault; more than half of the gold reserve in all of Equestria. If Goldhoof finds a way to make off with it, it'll be economic catastrophe. I know this mission seems beyond the scope of your capabilities, but-"

"Now that's where you're wrong, M." Joe gave a sly grin. "No mission is beyond the scope of any of my capabilities. You made me a 00 agent and now I'm going to prove myself as one. When have I ever dissapointed you before?"

M simply gave him a dreary stare. "Just get going, 00J. T will be waiting for you in the lab."

"Whatever you say." He got up and made for the door.

"Oh, and Con..." said M.

He turned around before exiting.

"...Stop flirting with my secretary."

Joe smirked. "Seeya, Mom."

"And stop calling me that! That's not what the letter stands for!" M shouted after him as he left.

A few minutes later, Joe stood in a descending elevator to the basement level of the agency. It led him to a bustling laboratory where ponies in white jackets performing various scientific test, from rocket pods to the moon, to smokescreen pens, to mane growth serum. Joe walked passed the busy scientists up to the mare in charge; a lavender, purple maned unicorn who scorned her workers.

"No, no, NO!" scolded T. "That is not where we keep weapons grade lemon juice! Now we have to reorganize everything!"

"Still hard at work, T?" smiled Joe.

The brainiac turned around. "Ah, 00J, good to see you again. I trust the Baltimare mission went well?"

"Eh, somewhat. But I couldn't have done it without your handiwork." He held up the laser watch still on his wrist.

"Well, I always aim to please." T smiled humbly. "Sorry I'm a little high strung; I just had some coffee."

"Really? Where'd you get it?" he asked knowingly.

"Over at Donut Joe's. He makes the best donuts ever."

"I'll be sure to drop over sometime."

"Anyway, Con, I've been informed about your mission with this Goldhoof fellow. So I've taken the liberty of adding some new equipment to your person."

"You know me; I always love getting new toys."

T led Joe over to a table full of various gadgets. "Then I'm sure you'll love these. Take a look at this." She held up what looked like a simple polaroid camera. "This camera can zoom in up to three miles away, has lenses for X-ray, thermal, and night vision, and is built to be water and shock proof."

"What's this other lens for?" asked Joe.

"That's the kicker. Inside are tiny darts that will knock out an enemy for hours. Just set it for flash, and fire away." She put down the camera and picked up a black briefcase. "Now for closer combat, this briefcase will shoot two electrodes that will zap any unsuspecting enemy; all with a click of a trigger on the handle."

"How exactly am I going to hold a briefcase?"

"...Still working on that. Now for this little number." T then showed him a small metal ballpoint pen. "This may look like an ordinary pen. But twist the bottom, and the tip comes out. Click the top, and a distress signal will be sent to one of our rescue units to bail you out, giving you enough time to escape the pen before it explodes destroying anything in a quarter mile radius."

"What is it with you and pens, T?"

"What can I say? I like to write. Now for your favorite part of visitng me. Step over to the garage."

T then took Joe over to the entryway of a tunnel. As if on cue, something came rolling out from the tunnel. T smiled proudly pointing to the stylish silver pony drawn carriage.

"00J, I give you your wheels. The Canterlac Manticore M-600 is capable of reaching 210 miles per hour, can turn on a dime, and comes with blast proof armoring."

"Now we're talking. Canterlac always makes the best rides." Joe replied.

"But there's more. You'll find hidden projectile rockets on the front, mines and spikes in the back, and even a cloaking mechanism that will turn you completely invisible. Yup, the Manticore is truly state of the art."

"And who are these two, pulling it?"

"Oh, that's just Caramel and Lucky. I hired them to pull the carriage."

Caramel looked at Lucky discerningly. "Why do we keep doing this?"

Lucky shook his head. "I don't know. I just don't know."

"Well I must say, T, you've really outdone yourself once again. Where would I be without you?"

T flicked her hoof. "Well, just make sure you return it all in one piece. It wasn't cheap to engineer."

Joe gave a cocky smile. "Trust me. Now, if you don't mind, I'd to take this baby out for a spin."

"The keys are in the ignition, Con." T returned his smile.

"What the hay is she talking about?" Lucky asked Caramel.

"Just go with it. She said we're doing it for Rarity." Caramel replied.