Hello dear friend. How are you doing this evening? Fawning over cartoon horses? Great! You're in the right place and your affliction is shared. But be forewarned, for this is not a story of lighthearted adventure, grim consequence, or even erotic horse-play. (hyuck hyuck) This is a different tale. One of ironic woe, of turned tables, and of dumb fucking horses. Alright is everybody ready because I am so done with this introduction. Snare roll, curtains rise, blah blah blah.
Twilight Spakle sat alone in her study. The dim lantern illuminated a stack of misc papers and half finished books on her desk. The little metal lock on the door was fastened, and the velvet curtains drawn. Every precaution was taken to ensure that she was all alone with her paper, quill, and low glimmer of orange light. The quill scritched and scratched against the paper, stopping occasionally when Twilight would take a sip of her tea or a bite of her banana bread. Every artist needs a snack. Two hours went by, and Twi finished her bread, and brewed another cup of tea. Her cup made the presumptuous statement of, "#1 Nerd". If there were a bigger assortment of nerds in Ponyville, they would surely be jealous. Three hours into the ritualistic writing Twilight layed her smoking utensil to rest and gulped down the last of the now slightly cold tea.
"Finally done", she stated. "And not too shabby either.", she modestly congratulated.
The rooms lone light source shone almost dramatically on the title page of Twilights work. It read, "If Only… A HumanXPony fanfic definitely not written by Twilight Sparkle."
"Smooth as butta, spicy like a halepeno, this one is IT!! My…", Twilights eyes twinkled. "My OPUS!!"
The purple pony gathered up her story and hugged it to her chest.
Twilight gave the paper a saucy lil smooch, then double checked she was alone. After confirming her solitude she creaked open a secret stash of smutty fics hidden under a floorboard. She filed away the carefully stacked and paper clipped gem, and laid down on her bed, smiling over her evenings accomplishments. She slept like a baby that night, although she was unsure of the difference between baby and pony sleeping. [Authors note: You do not sleep different with age, this is a joke]
As soon as the sun rose, Twilight was up and at em. She whistled a gay ole tune as she threw a pair of plump sausages on the griddle. They landed with a long sizzle and began to fill the library with the aroma of roasting wieners. Spike groggily wandered down the stairs, awakened by the irresistible smell of toasty meats.
"Mornin' Twi.", Spike murmured as he sat in front of the breakfast table.
She slid him a newly cooked plate of sausage, eggs, and a tall glass of orange juice.
"Twilight you a traditional bitch, look at this boring ass breakfast, learn to provide for a nigga, goddamn.", said Spike.
[Authors note: Spike did not actually say that.]
"Wow!! Thanks Twi!!", Spike responded ecstatically.
"Ain't no thang faithful assistant!" Twilight was practically glowing. Spike took notice.
"Hey, what's with all the sunshine today?", he asked with his mouth half full of sausage.
Twilight stalled for a moment, trying to think of a lie to keep him from her dirty secret.
She finally spoke. "You know. Books." She grinned.
Not a complete lie, but not a specific truth either. Spike gave Twilight an intense glare as he sipped his juice.
"Any book in particular?"
She started to sweat while she smiled.
"Nope, just the idea of books in general. The concept, you know.", she retorted, and took a big sip out of her #1 Nerd cup.
Spike sipped back, passive aggressively. She was hiding something and he knew it.
Twilight changed the subject as quick as she could. "WELL! I sure am pooped and there isn't anything to study today! I think I'm just gonna go upstairs and take a very private nap!"
Spike was surprised. "But what about friendship?"
"Friendship is dead.", Twilight said calmly as she sulked into her room and locked the door.
Finally! Time alone with her precious story. Her own flesh and blood! She closed the drapes, lit her lantern low and cracked open the floor, eager for her priceless treasures.. But to her surprise… they were all gone! Her scream blew out the lantern.
She rushed out of her room, down the stairs and into the kitchen, promptly tackling Spike as he finished his breakfast.
"WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THEM YOU LITTLE SHIT, I WILL RUIN YOU.", Twilight questioned lovingly.
Spike was mortified and could hardly breath under her weight.
"WELL!?", she commanded.
Spike coughed in agony and Twilight for the first time realized what exactly she was doing. She stepped off and Spike brushed himself off and caught his breath.
"What did I do with what?", he mustered.
"Don't play dumb!", Twilight snapped, "My fanfics!! The most perfectly delicious erotic fiction ever to be written! The ones under the floor!! They're GONE and you're the only suspect!!"
Spike froze in realization.
"WELL"
Spike started to shake.
"I uh…. sent them to the princess."
Twilight froze as well. Her eyes went empty. There was a silence.
Spike pleaded for mercy, "Please Twi, I didn't know, I thought they were just letters!!"
Twilight started to vibrate.
"I AM GOING…", Twilight started.
Spike raised his hand, about to speak.
"TO SHIT IN YOU"
"Twilight, I'm sorry I thought-", Spike manically apologized.
"I AM GOING TO HOLD YOU DOWN…"
"Twilight.."
"AND SHIT"
"Twilight I.."
"INTO YOUR BODY"
Suddenly Twilights scatological threats are silenced by a puff of green fire from Spike's mouth. It's from the princess. Twilight takes notice and puts her hoofs over her face.
"Oh no… she's going to disown me!", Twilight whimpered.
Spike looked worried as he undoes the scroll. He cleared his throat.
"My dearest Twilight Sparkle, Damn!! This has got me heated. Best report yet. 10/10. From Celestia. PS: If you want a human to bone so bad there's a dang spell for that you nerd dingus. I enclosed the instructions. Peace to the streets, Celestia out."
Twilight sheepishly lowers her hooves. Her eyes wide and confused.
"Is that really from Celestia?", the embarrassed pony asked.
"Totally.", Spike responded. "It's even got her signature."
Spike turns the paper to Twilight, exposing a big lipstick kiss mark on the page. Twilight is bewildered.
"Well I'm glad that got sorted out!", Spike said thankfully. "And I think we all learned something valuable about friendship, now didn't we?"
Spike looked at Twilight quizzically, waiting for her response.
"No. I'm going to turn you into a human and have sadistic sex with you."
Spike looks at the camera and shrugs.
The Seinfeld theme song plays and the scene fades out gracefully over a period of 15 minutes.
