dabigpoop in equestriaby dabigpoopChapterschapter 1 why are you reading this?chapter 2 i don't care any more :Dchapter 3 i don't know what i'm doing :Dchapter 4 i'm only here to make you mad :Dchapter 1 why are you reading this?Chapter 1- Jarod The party had just begun to die down when we decided to leave. Alex was smashed, and yet he insisted on driving. Although I was the designated driver i decided to let him drive. He jumped over the door of the jet black convertible, despite his drunken state he somehow managed to land perfectly in his seat. I sighed as I opened the passenger door and asked "are you absolutely positive you can drive?” "Hellz yeah, I can drive dis tang!" He replied. "Well let’s get going' then." "Maaaannn youz needz ta liytan up a bit qwit poupin on teh party!" He slurred. "Just move it the fuck along!" I said, starting to get sick of his shenanigans. "Okay." He put the car into drive and pulled away from the barn that was blaring techno and flashed neon into the night sky. "Man wherez teh tunez in dis ting." Alex asked. "The radio is broken you dumbass, remember? You broke it the last time we did this." I replied. "Haha yeaz i remememberzez dat." I sighed in response. "Wellz yes I gotz to makez mah own tunez tehn." "Oh lord..." I began only to be cut off my Alex screeching "WE GOTZ HUAN TICKET TO PARADISE!!!!!" Just then a steep ridge came into view, And Alex was not slowing down.... - Dakota Dakota was just a normal person minding his own business shopping at a gas station placed right below a seemingly perilous ridge. "Hmm i wonder how Jarod and Alex are going at that rave of theirs." He wondered to himself as he grabbed some mountain dew, beef jerky, and corn nuts. - Jarod "ALEX SLOW THE FUCK DOWN YOU CRAZY FUCKING CUNT!!!!!!!!" I screamed as Alex sped us toward the huge turn on the ridge. Alex continued to yell "WE GOTZ HUAN TICKET TO PARADISE!!!!!" The car hit the railing with a brutal medley of sounds that all involved breaking something-or-other. The car then soared off of the cliff and everything seemed to slow down. The fall seemed to last for hours. Alex continued his debauched mutilation of the song and I screamed probably the loudest i ever have. I heard a faint cry coming from the trunk of the car and I remembered that Alex thought it would be funny to lock our friend Bryce in there. Then the car slammed through the roof of a gas station and barreled through the main building into the fuel stations where everything was blown sky high and the world went black... Alex I woke up in a big jungle, but something didn't seem right, it seemed cartoonish. I immediately dismissed this thought. "Yur stilz drunk zilly!" I exclaimed to myself. It was still night time out, so I assumed it was just a little while ago when Jarod and I crashed. "Speking-o-Jayord! Wherez iz 'E?" I said, just then I looked over and saw him lying on the ground still K.O. "Jarod gets ur sleepy azz up!" I said as I stood up as well. "Whoaz! Fuggin gravity herez way liyter!" Jarod remained still. "Ok fugger ges I gotz teh drag yeh!" I proceeded to grab one of his legs and pulled him behind me through the forest to what looked like a little town built for people 3 feet tall, it seemed vaguely familiar. Jarod's body got snagged on many things like rocks and brambles, and when we reached the outskirts of the town he was covered in scratches. I finally figured out why this town seemed familiar "OH MAHZ GOD WE IN PONEEEEVEEEELLLEEEE JAROD!!!!!!" I saw a nearby club that seemed open and dragged Jarod over. The bouncer looked at me oddly and said "who, and more importantly, WHAT are you?" "Whoz am I? I AM ALEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXX!!!!!" I yelled, and then I threw the bouncer out of the way and went into the club, Jarod in tow. I propped Jarod up against a wall next to the bar and proceeded to where vinyl scratch was dj-ing. I miraculously found an usb port and plugged my iPod into it; the speakers began to blare my music. All of the ponies in the club all looked at where I was then I yelled DABIGPOOP IN DA HOUSE. Everypony made a beeline for the door while screaming at the sight of me. I was starting to think that they didn't know what humans where... In the midst of the commotion a, bottle of everfree vodka fell from on top of the bar onto Jarod's head. Jarod "SONOFA COCK JUGGLING CUNT GUZZELER!!!!!!!!!" I yelled as I felt my soaked head grow a lump on it. I gripped my head and looked up at why this would have happened only to have more questions fill my head. I was in a room full of at least 30 ponies running for a single exit, and on the opposite side of the exit, go figure, is Alex standing there at a dj turntable jamming out. "GODDAMNIT ALEX WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME!?!?!?" I yelled over the music. The last thing i remember was the car crash. I leapt up and ran at Alex and grabbed him while yelling “WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?!?!? HOW'D WE GET HERE!?!? "I DONTZ FUGGIN NO!!!! WE WERE IN THE FOREST AND I DRAGED YUZ TO PONYVILLE!!! Now that the room was clear I grabbed Alex and brought him over to the door and outside. A small crowd was dwindling outside in the road but quickly dispersed at the sight of us. Right when I was going to open my mouth to say something to Alex a bunch of Pegasus outfitted with royal guard armor surrounded us. "Oh shi-" I began but was cut off by Alex grabbing the club's bouncer, who was nearby, and brought a cupcake up out of nowhere and held it against the bouncers head, he then proceeded to yell "NOPONY MOVE I GOT A CUPCAKE AND I AINT AFRAID TEH USE IT!!!!" The guards immediately stepped back. The bouncer said "hey man I got a wife and two fillies at home!" The bouncer then broke down and started weeping. In the meantime I had put my hands up. One of the pegasi said “hey man just put the cupcake down and come with me, we're just going to take you to Celestia so she can ask you some questions." "YULE NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPERS!!!!!!" Alex yelled. He then ran into the Everfree Forest. I kept my hands up and said "i surrender" and the pegasi took me away in a chariot except more like a mobile cage. Alex I ran into the forest and decided to put the bouncer up in a tree. Once he was secured i stuck the cupcake on a branch in front of him and said "I wouldn't move if I where you." I left him weeping and continued to run through the forest until I tripped on a rock, fell onto a branch, and knocked myself out by landing on another rock. Then when I woke up I was in a jail cell and then I proceeded to kick the door of its hinges it went flying across the room and then I ran to the giant wooden doors I pushed them open and ran I did not see any cops or anything so I knew I was not In a cop station so I proceeded to look around for a way out. Jarod I was being lead to a big hall by about 50 guards I did not won't to make a bad first impression on the pony’s but Alex probably didn't help that wait a second where did he even go god dammit he's probably terrorizing all the ponies I just hope he don't find fluttershy he'll probably ponynap her or something my thoughts were interrupted when we stopped in front of two giant fancy doors they were opened by the guards and then I saw the two princess I bowed my head to them and then Luna said “first what are you and why have you come to equestria” then I explained all that I know and then Celestia asked me where my friend is I said “honestly I don't know” just then as if right on cue he ran through the doors ran up to Celestia and slapped her right across her face everypony stared in complete shock as Alex jumped through the window that was right above the cliff. Alex fell all the way to the forest below we all stopped looking at the window and looked back at Celestia she looked like she was about to start crying but then her expression changed to one of those I'm going to rip his dick off and shove it down his throat faces I almost pissed myself then Luna said “sister are you ok?” Celestia looked at her than at the guards and said “please go and bring him back here for I can talk to him” she said in a very annoyed voice. Alex I saw two giant doors so I thought that would be the way out but when I ran through the doors it opened to a throne room so I yelled LERROY JANKINS! and slapped the first person I saw and the next thing I see is a bunch of ponies dressed in armor I don't want to be caught so I jumped out the window and landed in a forest I don't know where I am but it felt safe. But safe is boring so I decided to yell COME GET ME SLENDER BITCH! and when I saw something move in a bush I jumped at it but it wasn't slender man it was a giant dragon it was sleeping so I did what any person would do......I pissed on its face and ran away yelling SMELL YA LATER BITCH! As it woke up. When I was far enough away I stopped looked at a tree it had a wired face on it I said WHAT YOU LOOKING AT YOU UGLY MOTHER FUCKER I'LL BURN YOU ALIVE BITCH! Jarod The guards brought me to a jail cell it was small and old it looked like it hasn't been used in years I just laid down and went to sleep I was woke up when I heard the sound of a door open the next thing I saw was them dragging Alex it looked like he was knocked out he must of hit his head pretty hard it takes a lot to knock him out. They throw him in the cell next to mine he woke up soon after they left then he said damn I hit that pebble pretty hard I face plumbed then he punched the wall separating us and his fist went through the wall like it was made of Lagos I yelled “DA FUCK”. He only said “sup bro” I punched him in the face but he only laughed at me and said “you know you can't hurt me you little baby man so what happened when I was gone”. I said not much happened after you bitch slapped the princess. I bitch slapped the princes damn I'm moving up in da world. He said happily I face palmed again. Alex “Let's blow this shit stand” ,I said and I deployed one of my Bryce things I told him to go and look if there are any guards. There where and the poor little things got smashed to death by one of the guards huffs “well now we know that there are guards”. Jarod said Alex they were standing there the whole time! Oh will that would explain why there where to ponies standing there and talking :). Then I proceeded to kick the door of the hinges one of the guards screamed like a little girl I fell down and laughed my ass off. The guard looked madly at me so then I got up and ran I lost sight of Jarod and as luck would have it I ran right into the throne room then I saw Celestia I said fuck and tried to run out the door but it got slammed shut I turned around to see one pissed of goddess pony looking at me with a death glare I almost laughed at her but she would probably get more mad so I did what anybody would do I throw a cupcake at her she did not like that her glare got more intense that's when I started to laugh she was surprised she asked me what was funny and I yelled YOUR FACE! And that's when I got the need to do something random I ran up and kissed the smallest alcorn that had highlights in her hair the guard next to her jumped on me and said how dare you kiss my wife. I throw him off and said it was an amazing kiss I pulled out a cupcake and said “don't move or you'll get it” And after that I jumped out another window and ended up breaking through the roof of what looked to be a flower shop I saw Jarod run past so I ran out of the shop and followed him when I caught up to him I said 'so did you have any trouble getting out?' he said no where were you? I said I was just having some fun that's all ha ha ha. Dakota As Dakota woke up he soon realized that he was naked and tied up. Oww my head what is that a strapon what ARE YOU DOING AAAAAAA. Bryce #2 I was doing what the master told me to do so I ran under the door I didn't see anything at first so I thought it was safe but then I heard a clopping noise but then I saw Bryce #1 get crushed under a huff I ran back to Alex and told him and then jumped back into his pocket and said hi to the other bryce's. Alex Jarod and Me ran into the forest it was dark and gloomy so I decided to sing a song num num num num num num num num nu Jarod said shut up. I did but only for a little bit hey what's that. I saw a lion thing sooo again I did what anybody else would do I grabbed a stick and I poked then lion “best idea ever”. Then the lion looked at me I poked it in the eye it rowed and slung its claws at me I dodged and jumped out of the way I yelled Jarod wake up NOW! He got up and said what’s wrong? There's a lion thing trying to kill me! Jarod started running to we ran for a little bit we were completely lost but right as Jarod was about to give up hope I said hey I see a small house I ran up to it and knocked on the door and ran behind a tree then a zebra came out the door and it said who is the beast I see hiding behind a tree? That's when I knew it was time to go because you don't fuck with people that rhyme so I grabbed Jarod and said let's get da fuck out of here we ran for a little bit but then I saw a cave I looked in it to see Dakota being raped by a girl pony with a starry hat I waved at him and said hi and left. We ran for a about 20 minutes we stopped because we were at the edge of the woods. Hey Jarod I can see a small town wait that's no way Jarod its ponyville O MY GODS! Jarod Yeah I, can read the sign Alex. Hey Jarod I think I see an apple tree over there. Wait Alex I think that's sweet Apple acres don't take any apples or they'll think you're stealing their apples but it was too late Alex had already ran into sweet Apple acres as I got there Alex was on the floor holding his balls yelling random curse words at a big red pony da fuck what happened? Then something hard hit me into the back of my head and then everything went black. I woke up to see Alex drinking something that smells like apple cider and I heard banging on the door but there was no door but there was a hatch so I thought that we were in the farm ponies cellar and it sounded like they did not want us in here. GET OUT OF MY CIDER CELLAR YA RASCOLS OH CELESTIA WHEN I GET MA HUFFS ON YALL THERES GOING TA BE HAY TA PAY! the then farm pony said I started town get worried but I was wasn’t surprised to see Alex dancing and singing he then looked at me and said don't worry Jarod there’s a back way out of here just follow me ok let’s go to ADVENTURE! Jarod “oh no this is not going to end well.” Alex "AY JAWOD I FEEL KINDA DRUNKS!" "Alex you just drank about 50 jugs of that stuff how'd you even drink all that stuff you should be on the floor having a seizure right about now?" "Jaged u knews ims goods giths my acahawls wayts get guings tos the bar itsvgoibg town be fojebhellbof anight cqamonjarod you bitch let's pawtay all night longs." "Alex we can’t go to town they'll throw us in a jail cell and stop talking like a retard." "What u talking about Jarod a looks a big tree a there's a door jarod there’s books I'm going ta make a pinyata!" 5 minutes later. "Ant it the best pinyata yours ever seens in all da worlds?" Hey, what's that noise spike are you getting into the refrigerator again? No Twilight. Then what the bucks that noise?! Hey Jerod I bet I san bit that glass off that tagol went this books. Hey what the buck are you doing into my HOUSE! What whars thwat ims ins u hose hey its a horse pinyata lets braks it opines! "And more importantly what are you!?" Alex then replied "I ........AM..........AAAAALLLLEEEEEEXXXXX!!! Jarod ALEX NO is all I could say as he jumped into the air and kicked twilight in the face knocking her out cold. ALEX WHAT THE FUCK DUDE! Her looks at me funny so Alex did what Alex thought Alex had to do. Dude now we're going to get arrested for breaking and entering and assault. What should we do with da body? She's not dead and we should put her in her bed. EWW JAGOD U's can't do that with her he's a ponies dudes. Hey I did not say I wanted to do that with her! Oh kzz let's go TO BED I CALL THAT ONE! Hey what are you things doing with twilight! Jarod itsadragonkill it! No Alex don't kill it. I don't needs to I tiez it up. How? I hit it with a book. How is that tying it up. I....... don't know. FUSS RO DAA EAT THAT DRAGON! Jarod im goingtogotobednow night zzzzzzzz. As Alex walked upstairs Jarod realized what just happened. Oh god we're going to be in a lot of trouble in the morning. Alex I woke up to a splitting headache ‘oh god damn it I have a hangover this fucking sucks dick.’ I got up holding my head walked out of the room being careful not to fall down in vain because I fell down the staircase the way down insisted of a lot of words starting with f, s, c, and d at the bottom I got up walked more like limped my way to the bathroom there I checked my body to find that nothing serious happened just some bruises here and there the odd thing is that I couldn’t hear or see Jarod anywhere ‘I wonder where Jarod is hmm he must have gone for a walk he can handle himself he’ll be fine.’ I went into the dining room to grab some food I could only find this weird salad it tasted like grass. After that I, walked into the living room ‘dame this place is like a library well I’m bored time to find something to do.’ I walked outside but stuck to the alleyways because if that apple pony sees me she’ll probably try to kill me after a little bit I found the school house and thought ‘kids always give helpful advice.’ -Jarod I woke up feeling like shit so I decided to go for a walk to clear my mind I walked out the door it was still kind of dark but that only means there are less ponies to see me I stuck to the alleyways I got out of town after a couple of minutes there is a big hill with an apple tree on it I walked up it grabbed an apple and laid down closed my eyes and slipped into sleep I woke up to the sound arguing “come on sis I know I seen it over here.” “Come on apple bloom there is no weird monkey here I reckon ya made this whole thing up.” Oh shit that’s applejack if she sees me I’m dead I start to crawl away from the voices I get to the edge of the hill I roll down it at the bottom I get up and start running when I hear “hey it’s that animal form yesterday I’M GOING TO BUCK YOU UP SO BAD GET BACK HERE.” -Alex I don’t see anyone so I walk to the back of the school there is a bunch of fillies playing on the playground I see diamond tiara and silver spoon picking on 2 of the CMC I walk up to them and grab them by their necks and throw them away I look down and ask “are you two ok?” “Yes but what are you?” “I’m a human but have you seen another thing that looks like me pass by here?” “No but we will be glad to help you look for it” ‘that sounds great to me lets go.’ We walk for a bit no one noticed me but we can’t find Jarod we look for a little longer with no success but then we see him running and yelling ‘ HELP ME OH GOD HELP SHES GOING TO KILL ME! I grabbed him and pulled him into the alleyway and put my hand over his mouth to keep him quiet he sees that it’s me and says ‘ damn I thought I was going to die fuck that was scary man I almost shit myself hey why are the CMC here and what are they doing?’ ‘A hole is a hole wait what did u say I was just remembering a story about scoot also oh they were helping me look for you.’ There is a story about me can you tell me it pleas?’ sure. NO YOU CAN’T TELL HERE IT YOU DIP SHIT THAT WOULD TRAUMATIZE HER.’ ‘Well I thought it was a good fanfic well anyway let’s get going we can’t go to the library cus twilight is probably undone by now so I have no idea of where we can go.’ ‘Hey you can come to the clubhouse I think it’s big enough for all of us to fit.’ Said scootaloo ‘well if it isn’t you can sit on my lap baby.’ ‘What I’m not a baby but uh okay?’ ‘Alex knock that shit off you fucking pervert!’ ‘lol well lets go.’ We walked for bit when we got to the clubhouse I looked at it. It is small but it’s big enough for us all to fit in it :( after the cmc left we talked about what we were going to do then we fell asleep. -jarod Before we fell asleep we decided that we would make amends with the ponies so when I woke Alex up we talked some more to figure out who we see first we agreed that we should go see twilight because she seems a lot safer then apple jack. We left when it was dark so to not be seen I remembered the way so it did not take us long to get there we could see her through the window she looked bad her eye was twitching and her mane is uncap and there is books everywhere I could listen to what she is saying if I put my ear to the window ‘what’s taking the girls so long we have to find those human before they cause more trouble.’ As she finished the sentence the door opened rainbow dash walked in saying something about practice for the wonder bolts. ‘I don’t care if you were practicing we have to find these humans before somepony gets hurt.’ ‘Ok comedown twilight I saw one earlier and it didn’t look so taught I bet I can take em all by myself.’ ‘Yea well if the whole royal guard couldn’t stop them then what is the chance that you can you have to think logically.’ ‘So they are going to try and captor Alex and me well this is going to be fun.’ -Alex As Jarod looked away from the window he said “Alex we have to get out of here they're going to try to capture us and bring us to princess celestia and she is most likely going to have us hung.” So me and Jarod headed back to the cmc clubhouse we didn't know what we were going to do option 1 we could hand our self’s in and most likely be put to death or run and hide like little baby men but we decided to think our options over. We were getting close to the cmc clubhouse but when we heard hoof steps we stopped and got down on the ground to not be seen we crawled over to a bush by the tree house we peeked out of the bush to see apple jack and big mack standing there and talking to the filly’s. We heard them say that some other filly’s saw them with the humans and that they wanted to know where the humans where the filly’s said that they haven’t seen the humans since they went to sleep. Jarod had been laying there for about 5 minutes and was starting to get itchy it was uncontrollable he had to scratch when he moved to scratch the itch he moved the bush the pony’s all turned towards the noise to see what it was big mack started to walk over to where he heard the noise as he looked in the bush he saw a shadow getting smaller as he raised his head he saw two tall creators running away. As Alex ran he turned to Jarod and said “we should go to the old castle in the everfree forest they won’t look for us in there. So me and Jarod ran to the old castle when we could see the castle we heard a scream for help we thought what the hell why not so we ran to the place we heard the scream and what we saw amazed us there stuck about 30 feet in a tree was our friend Andy. When we got him down we asked how he got here. -Andy I was sobbing when Alex and Jarod got me out of the tree. They asked me how I had got here. I told them all that I could remember: “it was dark out, I was walking to the gas station to get some chips and a soda. But as I was walking past a dark alley…*sob* a-a big black man grabbed me and he- he threw me onto the ground and then he said ‘i'm gonna make you ma bitch’. I screamed and tried to run... b-but he held me down... he pulled down my pants *sob* and then-then-theh… *sob* He was so big… At first, I was okay with it, ya know, anything to get some action… but he… It hurt so bad… He must have been at least a foot long, and a girth two times the size of a soda can… *sob* I felt him push the tip of his monster against my asshole. He… He went in dry…. *sob* He was so forceful. I felt my ass tear the farther he went in. Luckily my blood lubricated him a little bit… *sob* It made it a little less painful… I felt a pain I had never felt before, my intestines felt like they were being pushed into my chest. He thrashed my digestive tract so violently that all of my innards were displaced… And then he… He came… A jet so violent that it shot through my intestines, my stomach, and my throat… It came pouring out my mouth. I could hardly breathe. The thick sloppy goo got into my lungs… *sob* But it wasn't over after that… He pulled out, and took some of my intestines with him, and pulled me around so my mouth was facing him…. Then he forced open my mouth and shoved his massive, still rock hard, cock down my throat… *sob* I-I could taste my own blood from my ass… My throat burned with every thrust… Each time his raging cock went deeper and deeper into my throat… I started to lose consciousness from lack of air, due to his massive dick… *sob* He came again.. It shot through my system again and cum flew out my asshole…. He pulled out and I fell, limp, to the ground… Cum oozed from every crevice on my body… He knelt down next to me and whispered in my ear: ‘Do you know why they call me Frieza? Cuz I'm the coldest muthafucka in the hood.’ and with that he thrust his monstrous, gigantic, throbbing, demon of a member he called his cock into my ear… and everything went white…” “Did it go white for you? Because it went black for us..” Jarod said. “Must’ve been all the cum,” Alex said. Andy just stared at them deadpanning. He then felt the sudden urge to punch Alex in the face, and did so. The right hook sent Alex sailing to the ground where he landed head first onto a small pebble and was knocked out. His last thoughts: I wonder where i can get more alcohol. chapter 2 i don't care any more :Dchapter 2 -Alex I woke up in a cloud. The beautiful, starry, night sky sprawled out before me. “Well how in the fuck did I get here?” I wondered. “You are in a dream,i,” said a voice behind me. I turned around to find myself face to face with Princess Luna. “OH SHIT MAN, NOW I CAN FULFIL MY FANTASIES!” She stared at me peculiarly, “I CAN USE THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE AS WELL, HOW DID YOU GET TO EQUESTRIA?” I knew I had to play it cool, “Hey there babyyy I’d like to raise your moon any night.” I gave her a wink. “What do you mean? Only my sister or I possess the power to raise the moon and the sun.” I had her now, allI had to do was seal the deal, “You wanna do some magic later? I know a spell that casts white magic from my horn.” I said as I nodded slowly and smiled at her. She looked even more confused now, “I know not of any spells that summon white magic, now answer my question, how did you get to Equestria?” Oh yeah, she wanted the D for sure. I leaned in close and kissed her while giving her a smack on the ass. She jumped back in shock. “Why has thou kissed me?! And you struck my flank too!” She said while blushing furiously. “Did you enjoy that too baby? Yea I know what you like.” I leaned close once more and wrapped my arms around her, I stroked her mane and whispered into her ear: “No sacrifice, No victory.” I then proceeded to lick her horn from the bottom up in a long stroke. Her body quivered uncontrollably as she stared at me in shock. I went to lick her horn again but she threw me off of the cloud and I fell to the ground and woke up. -Luna I awoke in my bedchambers in a sweat. “What a peculiar dream,” I said. I got up out of my bed and stretched. I wandered over to my mirror and couldn’t help but look at my horn. “White magic he said? From a horn? That must have been why he licked mine. He wanted my white magic!” I glanced in the mirror again. “Well, I must extract my white magic so people like him can’t take it from me!” I called my sister into my room. I told her about the strange encounter in my dream and about how we must protect our white magic from others. “So I need you to get the white magic out of my horn so I may keep it safe,” I said. “Yes, I would do anything for you sister, but could you perhaps get my white magic out as well?” “Of course,” I said, I only want the best for my sister and I. “So lets start then, I believe it went something like this.” I licked Celestia's horn just like the human did to me. I felt her shiver as I went for a second lick. Her horn began to shoot a sparkly goo all over and some even landed on my face. I began to lick faster to get all of the magic out but suddenly a royal guard burst into the room. “MY HIGHNESSES I HAVE IMPORTA-- ehhhh what are you doing?” I looked over at the guard “We are extracting each other's’ white magic so that thieves may not take it” I said. The guard smirked “Oh really? Because to me, it looked like you were giving her a horn job.” “A what?” Celestia asked. “It’s a sex thing, ya know, one pony sucks the others horn and then their horn ejaculates magic basically.” He said. I looked at Celestia, my mouth open in shock when some of her magic that had landed on my head fell into my mouth. I vomited and flew across the room at the same time in a fit of disgust. Celestia just stood in shock, partially covered in vomit, and fainted. As I stared across the room at my vomit trail then I realized what the human was trying to do to me… -Jarod Alex squirmed on the ground and made noises as though he was very poorly seducing someone. “I’d like to raise your moon,” he mumbled. I just shook my head and pulled a sharpie out of my pocket. I knelt down and drew a penis on his forehead. Andy started crying because it was black and a penis. After a few minutes of me laughing and Andy weeping Alex finally awoke. “C’mon ya silly faget, get up, you were talking about raising people’s moons while you were sleeping,” I said. “WER BIST DU?”Alex yelled. “What?” I asked. “BIST DU BLOD? ICH BIN DEIN FUHRER! DU MUSST HEIL MICH!” He screamed. “Whaaaaddddaaaafaaaeeqqq? Alex, you don’t speak German.” I said, rather confused as I didn’t think Alex, of all people, could speak German. “A new personality your friend has gotten, and it appears to be rather rotten.” Said a familiar voice. I turned around to see Zecora standing behind me. “Good! You’re here, can you fix this?” “I could translate for you what he says, but for me, you would have to-” “Cut the shit Zecora, we all know you don’t have to rhyme, just tell us how to fix this.” Suddenly in the deepest, blackest voice, Zecora said “If I don’t rhyme I sound like this. Now, you gotta go do somethin’ for me if you wanna be able to understand yo friend her.” Andy whimpered because it sounded just like the black man’s voice. “Sure, whatever, what do you want?” I asked “You gotta kill the bitch ass apple horse, she and her family have always been racist toward me. I've taken ‘nuff of her shit. I want you to kill her ratchet ass.” As she said that, Hitler/Alex (Hitlex) sat up with a huge grin and said “Wir ver wen den das GiftGas!” I sighed, “He said ‘we’re using the poison gas.’” Author's Note fuck rhyming that shit suck and its hard to do :D comment and fav :D and give me lots of hate :D chapter 3 i don't know what i'm doing :DChapter 3 -Jarod We waited in the bushes outside Applejack’s barn to form our plan“Well Hitlex i’m sorry but we don’t have any gas.” I said. “Die BryceRoboters! Sie konnen das Giftgas dosieren!” Then he threw 3 Brycebots into the barn and locked the door shut. A muffled voice came from inside the barn, “What in tarnation is goin on here!? Oh hey little guy! What are you doin-” Suddenly, Gas. “Ahhhh! What the hay?!” she screamed, as her body started to tingle and go numb. We heard a *thomp* from outside as she hit the ground. With that we opened the door to look inside and make sure she was dead. She wasn’t. “Oh, hay. It's you varmints, get outta here, I dont need your help, now scram!” “It’s nothing personal, Apple Horse. But lets face it, you aren’t best pony, you are only a background pony. And not even the best background pony at that.” I said. Hitlex strolled about the room as though he was searching for something, he stopped in front of a rusty axe, “Ah! Wunderbar!” He said. He took the axe off of the wall and slung it over his shoulder and whistled a tune as he strolled over to where applejack lay. “Wha- What are ya gonna use that for!?” She yelled. I locked the barn from the inside and walked to where they kept an apple grinder. “hmm, picked up some things from Flim and Flam eh? Hmmph so much for family made..” “We need that to keep up with demand! you can't blame us!” She said. “YOUR BEST FRIEND CAN USE MAGIC TO DO ALL OF THE WORK YOU CAN DO IN A MONTH APPLE HORSE!” I yelled, I could feel my mental state dropping through the floor. “ah dont quite see where youre going with this, ya crazy bucker!” “Do you like bananas?” I asked her, as I nodded to Hitlex, who was holding the axe above one of her hind legs. “No.” “Wrong answer, background pony.” I said with a twisted grin on my face. With that, Hitlex swung the axe down onto her leg, and made it about halfway through, spraying blood across the barn floor. Applejack screamed out in agony, but was quickly silenced with my foot pinning her muzzle to the ground. “Now, now worst pony, we can’t have you making any noise, can we?” I said, as Hitlex stomped on the axe head and grinded against the bone until it broke through, spraying more blood across the floor and onto himself. A muffled scream came from Applejack and I pressed harder on her face, almost standing on her. Hot, crimson blood oozed from her mouth and nose and she blew bubbles in it trying to scream and breathe. The only thing keeping her leg attached was a thin membrane of nerves and muscle fibers. Hitlex subsequently ripped her leg off, and started to feed it through the apple grinder. I moved and forced her to watch. Once Hitlex finished grinding the leg, I curb stomped her face for a bit. Then we picked her up from each side and began to bring her to the apple grinder. Even though she was losing consciousness he knew what we were going to do, and she voided her digestive system on the way to the grinder. “C’mon now background pony! Is this how you want to go!? Crying in your own feces as you get turned into cider!? I mean, you dont have a choice on much of anything but the feces part. What I’m saying is, Fuck you for shitting on my shoes. I paid 70$ for these you cunt.” I said. She didn’t reply, only sobbing. “IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!!” Hitlex yelled as we pushed her through the grinder. The grinder made a sickening noise of cracking and mushing as she was put through, and it jammed right before her head got crushed. Hitlex pulled out a Brycebot, which closely resembled the doctor from salad fingers (episode 10) and he set it on applejack’s head. It began to take the flesh and fur off of her skull and cleaned the skull off before finally detaching it from the spinal cord and handing it to Hitlex. He found a semi-rusty chain and bound the skull to it, through the eye sockets, and then hung it around his neck as a trophy. “Thats nice and all, but theres one more thing i have to do…” I said. -Big Mack I walked into the barn in search of my sister, i hadn’t seen her all day and was wondering where she went. The barn smelled off to me but that wasn’t the strangest part, in the center of it was a table with glasses of red cider that said “Drink Up!”. -Hitlex All I could think about was wanting to gas the jews. I couldn’t find any though, so that orange apple horse had to substitute. Regardless, the psychopathic one took me back to the negro horse so that we could obtain the substance that we require, for reasons i do not know. As we entered the pitiful shack that negro horse called a house I noticed the weeping one in a corner, weeping of course, he seemed scared. I tried to look at him but when he saw me he just started crying even more, it appeared he was looking at my forehead. The Psychopath did some yelling at the negro, and the negro did some yelling back. Something about “not wanting the stupid ass potion” or something like that. Suddenly the horse threw a vial of white liquid at us and everything went black. -Luna I couldn’t help but go back into that human’s dreams… Just, something about him. I don’t know what. But this time he wasn’t alone, there was another human with him. They were standing on a cloud, talking to eachother. I flew down to greet them. The human from before noticed me and said, “Well heyyy baby, what's it like looking at the man of your dreams?” as he bounced his eyebrows up and down. The second human smacked him in the back of the head. “Well, we are in a dream” I said, “But it doesn’t look any different than before i guess.” “Hello princess Luna-” the second human began, but was cut off by the first human, “Can you guess how many licks it takes to get to the center of an Alex-pop?” I guess the first humans name was Alex. “Hmmm, judging by the amount of licks it takes to get to the center of regular lollipops.. I believe it goes 1 2 3 CRUNCH. So it should be about the same for one of your Alex-pops.” Alex threw his hands on his crotch and began to shy away from me. “Hmmph, yes as I was saying, hello Princess Luna, my name is Jarod and this is my.. ehhh.. “friend” Alex.” The second human, Jarod, said. I began to speak, but before i could even open my mouth, Alex had his arm around me and was talking, “Heyyyy baby, I can see that you and I love the same things: me.” I pushed him off of me, “I don’t love you! I am Princess Luna! Raiser of the moon! I have far better people to love!” I said. “Well I’m Alex, and the moon isn’t the only thing you raise, babyyyy” Jarod smacked him across the head again, but it didn’t help. Alex tore off his shirt and said, “Heyy there hot, sexy, momma! If you’d please take a look at my studly bod, then I may have the pleasure of you wanting to be my main squeeze.” I was confused, “I am not a mother,and flattered as I am, I will not allow you to squeeze me.” I don’t think he even heard me, because he said, “Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cuz I can definitely see myself in your pants.” I could feel blood rushing to my face. Even though I don’t wear pants, I knew what he was implying. I flew away and sent them back to the real world. -Andy I watched as the white liquid was sprayed across Jarod and Alex. I began to cry, the liquid reminded me too much of that black man’s cum. A shiver ran up my spine. And Zecora’s deep black man voice reminded me of it too. All I can do is cry, I can’t get it out of my mind. Suddenly Zecora was standing next to me, “Now that we have some alone time, I’ve had my eye on you ever since i first saw you. And guess what? I just took a special potion so we can have some fun.” It was just then when I saw the member in between her legs, not nearly as big as the black man’s but still uncomfortable looking, even for me. Zecora licked my neck and I shivered again, her tongue was cold. She then pushed me over and ripped off my pants. Tears began to pour from my eyes so much that i couldn’t see. She pressed the tip of her horse cock against my asshole, just like the black man. And just like the black man, she went in dry, and hard. I prayed that my ass would tear again so that my blood would lubricate it and make it less painful, but no such luck. Her dick was just big enough to hurt but small enough to not tear. Zecora put her full weight on me and pinned me to the ground, she used extra force and cracked my ribs between her hooves and the ground. Her thrusts got faster until she finally came. But she wasn’t done, the potion must have given her infinite stamina because she fucked me 3 or 4 more times after that. Each time getting more and more violent. By the time she had finished I was sure that my ankle was sprained, my ribs cracked, and I had internal bleeding somewhere. She left me in a pool of her cum as I wept on the floor. -Applebloom Its been three days since i’ve seen my sister. And I’ll never see her again. Big Mack found her mangled body in the barn, shredded up in the apple grinder. But, as though Applejack’s death wasn't bad enough, Big Mack is on trial for her murder now. I know he's innocent, theres no way he could kill her. Plus I heard him in the house with Granny Smith, it sounded like they were wrestling, they were both grunting and moaning. The town thinks otherwise of Big Mack though, and his case is going bad, he’ll probably be sent to the gallows. I’ve just been in my room crying. -Beef Nuts (Dakota for those of you who have forgotten) Trixie approached me with a rope, “We’re going to try a new position today, slave.” She said. I cringed, my asshole couldn’t take much more abuse. I felt like i was going insane. She began to tie the rope around me. I just tried to think of my happy place, I began to hum my favorite tune. I started quiet but slowly got louder. “What are you saying slave?” Trixie asked. I only hummed in return. “Fine I’ll let you talk just this once.” She pulled the gag out of my mouth with her magic as she continued to tie me up. “I got a jar of dirt, I got a jar of dirt, I jar got a jar of dirt, I GOT A JAR OF DIRT, AND GUESS WHAT'S INSIDE IT?!?!?!?!?!?!” “What the-?” she began, but I shoved the gag into her mouth and left her tied up in her own mess. I turned around to say farewell to her, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS! CAPTAIN JACKBEEF SPARROWNUTS THE GREY OUT BEYATCH!” I screamed. I ran through the forest until I found Sweet Apple Acres. I ran into the house and up the stairs. I leaned against the wall and slumped to the ground to catch my breath. I pulled a cupcake out of my pocket but I couldn’t eat it because i heard someone coming. -Granny Smith It was a shame that Big Mack was sent to the gallows, but oh well, all of those damn young’ns were ungrateful anyway. It was time for dinner so I started up the stairs to go get Applebloom. “Applebloom! Supper's ready!” I called as I reached the top of the stairs. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a human appeared, he cranked his arm back and sent it flying at me. It hit me square in the face, shattering my jaw. I bounced down the stairs and was impaled by my walker. “Well shit” I said as everything faded to black. applebloom I heard granny smith calling for me to come for dinner, but I didn’t want any, I was just too sad. But I heard a loud series of clunks and thuds. I was afraid it was Granny Smith falling down the stairs again, so I went to investigate. To my horror I saw Granny Smith at the bottom of the stairs, impaled, by her walker. Blood oozed out of her orifices as she lay there dead. At first I thought it was an accident, but at the top of the stairs I saw a cupcake.. I immediately called for a Cutie Mark Crusaders meeting. We all stood at opposite corners of the clubhouse, looking at the small, lone cupcake in the middle of the room, trying to get a grasp on why it was there. “It must be like, a message or something.” Sweetie Bell said. “Don’t be stupid” Scootaloo said, “What kind of message is that?” “If it is a message” I wondered, “Who would leave it?” “Well who around here would leave a cupcake at a murder scene?” Scootaloo asked. “Pinkie Pie?” Sweetie Bell said. My jaw dropped, it all made sense now, the cupcake, the crude “drink up” humor from applejack’s death, the creativity of Granny Smith’s murder. “THAT PINK PSYCHOPATHIC BALLOON BUTTED CUNT ASS BITCH!” I yelled. Sweetie and Scoots stared at me in shock, they had never heard me swear like that before. Then Sweetie said “YEAH FUCK THAT BITCH!” Scootaloo scooted away from Sweetie Bell and asked “Well what are we gonna do about it? Its not like we can kill her back or anything.” My eyes widened, “Thats exactly what we’ll do Scootaloo, and I know just who can do it.” chapter 4 i'm only here to make you mad :DChapter 4 -Jarod I woke up in the middle of an apple orchard. Through a process of elimination, and there being only one apple orchard in Ponyville, I decided I was in Sweet Apple Acres. Alex was beside me, unconscious. I woke him up and we started to look for Andy. We couldn’t find him anywhere. We then agreed that he was probably dead or being raped. “Well, I guess we should probably get out of here, I dunno how long we’ve been out, but I’m guessing Apple Horse’s death is still news,” I said. “Yeah, thats probably a good idea,” Alex said. We began to walk when a loud cry sounded through the orchard: “THAT PINK PHSYCOPATHIC BALLOON BUTTED CUNT ASS BITCH!” Alex and I ran towards the source of the yelling and found the CMC clubhouse. We climbed inside just as Applebloom finished saying “I know just who can do it.” “Do what might I ask?” I asked. “Well speak of Tirek! It's just who I wanted to see!" Applebloom said. “Why do you want to see us?” “I need you guys to do a favor for me.” She said. “What kind of favor I asked?” I asked, suddenly speaking in the third person. “I’ve found out that Pinkie Pie has killed off my family, and I want revenge,” she said as the sky turned black and lightning struck. “OY, CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT” Screamed the director as he walked into the CMC clubhouse. “EY U, SMALL HORSE WIT DA PINK ‘AIR. DID U EVEN FOKKIN RAD DA SKREPT M8?” He yelled. Sweetie Bell’s actor, a guy in a horse costume, started to laugh. “OH YEW HAVVIN A FOKKIN GIGGLE M8? U HAVVIN A FOKKIN GIGGLE! IMMA FOKKIN REK U ‘IF U DON’T GET’URE SHEITEY AKT TOGETHER M8!” He stopped to catch a breath. “I’M FOKKKKKKIN RUNNIN DIS SHOW YA FOKKIN TWATS! GET. IT. RIGHT. IV NOT GOT ALL FOKKIN DAY.” With that, he went back to his chair and screamed “ACTION” at the top of his lungs into his megaphone. We walked inside Sugarcube Corner, the place was deserted. Hitlex looked upstairs while I searched the ground level. I waited at the bottom of the stairs for Hitlex to finish searching the upstairs. He finally descended, but was holding two little babies in each arm, one a unicorn and one a pegasus. “What are you gonna do with those?” I asked. Hitlex only motioned for me to follow as he walked into the kitchen. He set the babies on the counter, they sat there and looked at each other, unsure of what was happening. “Okay, what now?” I still didn’t quite know what he was doing. Hitlex ignored me and found a switch on the wall and flicked it. The garbage disposal in the sink whirred to life, Hitlex turned to face me and said “They are too powerful for this world to know. The pegasus can already fly, and the unicorn can already do magic that most would struggle with.” With that he grabbed the unicorn and held it over the razor sharp spinning blades, that on any other day this machine would be used for grinding unused food, but I guess that's what the Cake’s get for naming themselves after food. Hitlex started with Pumpkin Cake’s bottom right leg. Her hoof, being still fairly new and not fully hardened yet, grinded away easily and before long her leg was beginning to be eviscerated. Pumpkin began to cry and was about to scream but Hitlex clamped her mouth shut, her small muzzle easily fits in his hand. Pound cake saw this atrocity commence and started to fly toward Hitlex in an attempt to save his sister but I threw a 7-inch santoku knife, that I found in a nearby knife block, and hit him mid-air squarely on the wing and pinning him to the wall. As he struggled to escape, Pumpkin tried to use magic to free her from Hitlex’s agonizing, tempestuous, torment. I handed Hitlex a butcher's cleaver. He stopped grinding her leg and slammed her onto the table so she was laying down, with the cleaver raised he brought it hacking down, making it ¾ of the way through her horn. Her agonizing, muffled cries filled the air as she watched Hitlex raise the cleaver up a second time. Again he chopped down with the clever, severing the horn clean off and embedding the knife deep into the counter. While Hitlex continued antagonizing Pumpkin, I set work to building a contraption, with only a pencil, a used napkin, a q-tip, some tin foil, and a piece of paper. I constructed a device that would trigger the microwave when someone walked through the front door. With that finished, I threw Pound Cake into the microwave with about 75 ball bearings that I found. Hitlex continued to grind Pumpkin until her leg was completely shredded off and then hung the now lifeless body from the ceiling fan and set it on maximum. The body whipped around and sprayed blood everywhere in the room. With the cake twins out of the way, I asked: “What about Pink balloon horse?” “The basement is the last place to look” He replied. So we opened the door to the basement and walked down. We found Pinkie, but we also found Rainbow Dash. In the dank, musty, dark room we saw a very crazy looking Pink balloon horse standing next to a tray of sharp tools in front of Rainbow fast horse. Rainbow had her wings chopped off and tears streamed down her face. “I knew I’d find you here, you Pink bitch, ” Hitlex said. The Balloon horse turned around with a crazed look on her face and a twisted smile she sai: “so many ponies to kill so little time.” “Well SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!” Hitlex yelled as he pulled a grenade launcher. He began firing randomly in the room, somehow missing literally everything important to the plot’s advancement. Balloon horse wafted away the smoke and yelled: “BLARGLARGHARH GET TO THE CHOPPA!!!” Hitlex replied with “IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO CHILL OUT.” he said and threw one ice cube at Pinkie but it only made it about halfway to her. She said “HERES YOUR SUBZERO, NOW PLAIN ZERO” in response “I LIVE TO SEE YOU EAT THAT CONTRACT, BUT I HOPE YOU SAVE ENOUGH ROOM FOR MY FIST, BECAUSE IM GOING TO RAM IT INTO YOUR STOMACH AND BREAK YOUR GODDAMN SPINE!!” Hitlex yelled. Pinkie returned with “YOU SCARED MUTHA FUCKA? THIS GREEN BERETS ABOUT TO KICK YOUR ASS!” To which Hitlex responded “I EAT GREEN BERETS FOR BREAKFAST, AND I AM VERY HUNGRY!” then he threw a knife at Balloon horse and stuck her to a wall. He walked over to where she hanged and said “Stick around.” as Hitlex turned around Pinkie vanished and reappeared beside me. With the element of surprise (Go fucking figure) she bucked me into the nearby concrete wall and I slumped to the ground, the wind knocked out of me. She then teleported behind Hitlex and attempted to strike him, he turned around in just enough time to block her. But when he turned around she was wearing a suit and sunglasses. An epic fight ensued between Hitlex and Balloon horse, but before long, a line of Balloon horses wearing suits and sunglasses began to trot down the stairs and join in the fray. And as if things couldn’t get any worse, all of the Balloon horses began to morph together and turned into a giant Pink Balloon Horse. But suddenly, just when it looked like we were finished I heard the voices 5 men, come to save the day: Nicolas Cage, Adam Sandler, Bruce Willis, Robin Williams, and Captain Jack Sparrow. They each arrived in their own machine. Nic Cage arrived in a giant mechanized Beehive. Adam Sandler arrived in a huge remote shaped aircraft. Bruce Willis arrived in an enormous 19 wheeled dura-steel titanium truck going 9001 miles per hour, decked out with fully automatic 807-millimeter homing missile turrets, purposefully destroying everything in town on his way to the fight. Robin Williams arrived in a giant ball of Flubber. Captain Jack Sparrow arrived in the Black Pearl, floating in mid-air and plated in Iron. Each of them then yelled out a cheesy one-liner. “THE BEEEEEEEESS!!!!!!!” Nic Cage yelled. “YOU AINT COOL UNLESS YOU PEE YOUR PANTS!” Adam Sandler yelled. “YIPIEE KAYAY MOTHERFUCKER!!!” Bruce Willis yelled. “You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.” Robin Williams said quietly. “WHY IS THE RUM ALWAYS GONE!!!” Captain Jack yelled. And with that, all of their transportation vehicles morphed together and turned into a Voltron. The Voltron and the giant Balloon Horse began to fight. Meanwhile, on the ground, a huge army of balloon horses massed to attack the Voltron but a subatomic particle space-time continuum thermonuclear mecha relay warp wormhole black hole antimatter Schroedinger's cat "GET ON WITH IT" The bridge guardian yelled. "YES, GET ON WITH IT" Tim yelled. "GET ON WITH IT" The army yelled. A rift opened and out from it poured an army of Krogan warlords led by Liberty Prime. "COMMUNISM IS A TEMPORARY OBSTACLE ON THE ROAD TO FREEDOM!" Liberty Prime boomed as he hurled a mini nuke at the mass of pink horses. They exploded into confetti. The Krogans charged into the pink horses flailing their war hammers about, crushing the horses skulls in single blows, then turning around and gunning down five at a time with their shotguns. Liberty prime stomped on one of the balloon horses and left it in a giant statue of liberty shaped cookie. The Voltron grew a sword out from its forearm and lunged at the giant pink horse. The horse blocked the attack and then countered with a right hook towards the Voltron’s head. The Voltron ducked out of the way and attacked again. In the meantime, a bunch of other rifts opened each one holding troops that supported either the Voltron or the Horse. On the Horses side, a rift opened summoning Daleks, Reapers, the Russian army, Godzilla, Pewdiepie, the Covenant, SCP-173, and worst of all Super Man. On the Voltron side a rift summoned Doomguy, Master chief, Freddy Faz Bear (and R63 Foxy), The death star (in orbit), Uberhaxornova, Markiplier, The 300 Spartans, Gordon Freeman, OJ Simpson, Liam Neeson, Kratos, Optimus Prime, General Lee, The moon Nazis, 5 Borg cubes, and best of all Goku. Finally, a third rift opened. It was Hammerfall, Blind Garden, Erasure, The Men Without Hats, Lady Gaga, and Richard Wagner standing on a cloud playing epic background music for the battle. Super Saiyan 4 Goku and Superman flew into the air and met each other with furious attacks, making shockwaves as each blow landed. Gordon Freeman, Doomguy, and Kratos all ran into the marching onslaught of Daleks, Freeman wailed on one with his trusty crowbar, Doomguy used his BFG 9000 to disintegrate 20 Daleks at a time, and Kratos threw his blades of fate at two separate Daleks wrapping the chains around them, and then he flung them together, completely destroying them. The Reaper ships latched onto the Borg cubes and began to destroy them, but the Death Star fired its laser and destroyed half of them. Master chief ran straight at SCP-173 firing a spartan laser straight at its face. Pewdiepie and Nova just yelled at each other, Nova broke a keyboard over his knee and Pewdie threw tiaras everywhere. The moon Nazis eagerly flew towards the Russian army, firing all they had toward their ranks. Out of nowhere a Sharknado came and tore Godzilla to shreds. The 300 led by OJ Simpson, Liam Neeson, General Lee, Optimus Prime, and Markiplier attacked the inbound Covenant drop force. The battle looked to go in our way, but suddenly, all of the pink horses pulled out party cannons, and each one spawned 20 more pink horses who pulled out party cannons and spawned 20 more pink horses. They swarmed over Liberty Prime and his Krogans. “DEMOCRACY IS NON-NEGOTIABLE, DEATH IS A PREFERABLE ALTERNATIVE TO COMMUNISM,” He said as he detonated all of his remaining mini nukes. The explosion tore his body to bits but took out many of the horses. Freddy Faz Bear nodded to Markiplier who nodded to Kratos who nodded to Freeman who nodded to a Krogan who nodded to Nova who nodded to General Lee who nodded to Oj Simpson who nodded to Leonidas who nodded to Optimus Prime who nodded to a moon Nazi who nodded to Liam Neeson who nodded to Goku who nodded to Doomguy who nodded to chief who nodded to a borg who nodded to Darth Vader. This was the signal for the failsafe. Darth Vader on the bridge of the death star, wearing a red, white, and blue version of his typically black outfit, signaled for their descent onto the planet. The Deathstar lowered through the atmosphere, the flaming ball of a space station collided into Ponyville and what was left of the combatants down below. A single tear ran down Darth Vader’s cheek as he quietly said “I die so that democracy can live.”
chapter 1 why are you reading this?Chapter 1- Jarod The party had just begun to die down when we decided to leave. Alex was smashed, and yet he insisted on driving. Although I was the designated driver i decided to let him drive. He jumped over the door of the jet black convertible, despite his drunken state he somehow managed to land perfectly in his seat. I sighed as I opened the passenger door and asked "are you absolutely positive you can drive?” "Hellz yeah, I can drive dis tang!" He replied. "Well let’s get going' then." "Maaaannn youz needz ta liytan up a bit qwit poupin on teh party!" He slurred. "Just move it the fuck along!" I said, starting to get sick of his shenanigans. "Okay." He put the car into drive and pulled away from the barn that was blaring techno and flashed neon into the night sky. "Man wherez teh tunez in dis ting." Alex asked. "The radio is broken you dumbass, remember? You broke it the last time we did this." I replied. "Haha yeaz i remememberzez dat." I sighed in response. "Wellz yes I gotz to makez mah own tunez tehn." "Oh lord..." I began only to be cut off my Alex screeching "WE GOTZ HUAN TICKET TO PARADISE!!!!!" Just then a steep ridge came into view, And Alex was not slowing down.... - Dakota Dakota was just a normal person minding his own business shopping at a gas station placed right below a seemingly perilous ridge. "Hmm i wonder how Jarod and Alex are going at that rave of theirs." He wondered to himself as he grabbed some mountain dew, beef jerky, and corn nuts. - Jarod "ALEX SLOW THE FUCK DOWN YOU CRAZY FUCKING CUNT!!!!!!!!" I screamed as Alex sped us toward the huge turn on the ridge. Alex continued to yell "WE GOTZ HUAN TICKET TO PARADISE!!!!!" The car hit the railing with a brutal medley of sounds that all involved breaking something-or-other. The car then soared off of the cliff and everything seemed to slow down. The fall seemed to last for hours. Alex continued his debauched mutilation of the song and I screamed probably the loudest i ever have. I heard a faint cry coming from the trunk of the car and I remembered that Alex thought it would be funny to lock our friend Bryce in there. Then the car slammed through the roof of a gas station and barreled through the main building into the fuel stations where everything was blown sky high and the world went black... Alex I woke up in a big jungle, but something didn't seem right, it seemed cartoonish. I immediately dismissed this thought. "Yur stilz drunk zilly!" I exclaimed to myself. It was still night time out, so I assumed it was just a little while ago when Jarod and I crashed. "Speking-o-Jayord! Wherez iz 'E?" I said, just then I looked over and saw him lying on the ground still K.O. "Jarod gets ur sleepy azz up!" I said as I stood up as well. "Whoaz! Fuggin gravity herez way liyter!" Jarod remained still. "Ok fugger ges I gotz teh drag yeh!" I proceeded to grab one of his legs and pulled him behind me through the forest to what looked like a little town built for people 3 feet tall, it seemed vaguely familiar. Jarod's body got snagged on many things like rocks and brambles, and when we reached the outskirts of the town he was covered in scratches. I finally figured out why this town seemed familiar "OH MAHZ GOD WE IN PONEEEEVEEEELLLEEEE JAROD!!!!!!" I saw a nearby club that seemed open and dragged Jarod over. The bouncer looked at me oddly and said "who, and more importantly, WHAT are you?" "Whoz am I? I AM ALEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXX!!!!!" I yelled, and then I threw the bouncer out of the way and went into the club, Jarod in tow. I propped Jarod up against a wall next to the bar and proceeded to where vinyl scratch was dj-ing. I miraculously found an usb port and plugged my iPod into it; the speakers began to blare my music. All of the ponies in the club all looked at where I was then I yelled DABIGPOOP IN DA HOUSE. Everypony made a beeline for the door while screaming at the sight of me. I was starting to think that they didn't know what humans where... In the midst of the commotion a, bottle of everfree vodka fell from on top of the bar onto Jarod's head. Jarod "SONOFA COCK JUGGLING CUNT GUZZELER!!!!!!!!!" I yelled as I felt my soaked head grow a lump on it. I gripped my head and looked up at why this would have happened only to have more questions fill my head. I was in a room full of at least 30 ponies running for a single exit, and on the opposite side of the exit, go figure, is Alex standing there at a dj turntable jamming out. "GODDAMNIT ALEX WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME!?!?!?" I yelled over the music. The last thing i remember was the car crash. I leapt up and ran at Alex and grabbed him while yelling “WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?!?!? HOW'D WE GET HERE!?!? "I DONTZ FUGGIN NO!!!! WE WERE IN THE FOREST AND I DRAGED YUZ TO PONYVILLE!!! Now that the room was clear I grabbed Alex and brought him over to the door and outside. A small crowd was dwindling outside in the road but quickly dispersed at the sight of us. Right when I was going to open my mouth to say something to Alex a bunch of Pegasus outfitted with royal guard armor surrounded us. "Oh shi-" I began but was cut off by Alex grabbing the club's bouncer, who was nearby, and brought a cupcake up out of nowhere and held it against the bouncers head, he then proceeded to yell "NOPONY MOVE I GOT A CUPCAKE AND I AINT AFRAID TEH USE IT!!!!" The guards immediately stepped back. The bouncer said "hey man I got a wife and two fillies at home!" The bouncer then broke down and started weeping. In the meantime I had put my hands up. One of the pegasi said “hey man just put the cupcake down and come with me, we're just going to take you to Celestia so she can ask you some questions." "YULE NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPERS!!!!!!" Alex yelled. He then ran into the Everfree Forest. I kept my hands up and said "i surrender" and the pegasi took me away in a chariot except more like a mobile cage. Alex I ran into the forest and decided to put the bouncer up in a tree. Once he was secured i stuck the cupcake on a branch in front of him and said "I wouldn't move if I where you." I left him weeping and continued to run through the forest until I tripped on a rock, fell onto a branch, and knocked myself out by landing on another rock. Then when I woke up I was in a jail cell and then I proceeded to kick the door of its hinges it went flying across the room and then I ran to the giant wooden doors I pushed them open and ran I did not see any cops or anything so I knew I was not In a cop station so I proceeded to look around for a way out. Jarod I was being lead to a big hall by about 50 guards I did not won't to make a bad first impression on the pony’s but Alex probably didn't help that wait a second where did he even go god dammit he's probably terrorizing all the ponies I just hope he don't find fluttershy he'll probably ponynap her or something my thoughts were interrupted when we stopped in front of two giant fancy doors they were opened by the guards and then I saw the two princess I bowed my head to them and then Luna said “first what are you and why have you come to equestria” then I explained all that I know and then Celestia asked me where my friend is I said “honestly I don't know” just then as if right on cue he ran through the doors ran up to Celestia and slapped her right across her face everypony stared in complete shock as Alex jumped through the window that was right above the cliff. Alex fell all the way to the forest below we all stopped looking at the window and looked back at Celestia she looked like she was about to start crying but then her expression changed to one of those I'm going to rip his dick off and shove it down his throat faces I almost pissed myself then Luna said “sister are you ok?” Celestia looked at her than at the guards and said “please go and bring him back here for I can talk to him” she said in a very annoyed voice. Alex I saw two giant doors so I thought that would be the way out but when I ran through the doors it opened to a throne room so I yelled LERROY JANKINS! and slapped the first person I saw and the next thing I see is a bunch of ponies dressed in armor I don't want to be caught so I jumped out the window and landed in a forest I don't know where I am but it felt safe. But safe is boring so I decided to yell COME GET ME SLENDER BITCH! and when I saw something move in a bush I jumped at it but it wasn't slender man it was a giant dragon it was sleeping so I did what any person would do......I pissed on its face and ran away yelling SMELL YA LATER BITCH! As it woke up. When I was far enough away I stopped looked at a tree it had a wired face on it I said WHAT YOU LOOKING AT YOU UGLY MOTHER FUCKER I'LL BURN YOU ALIVE BITCH! Jarod The guards brought me to a jail cell it was small and old it looked like it hasn't been used in years I just laid down and went to sleep I was woke up when I heard the sound of a door open the next thing I saw was them dragging Alex it looked like he was knocked out he must of hit his head pretty hard it takes a lot to knock him out. They throw him in the cell next to mine he woke up soon after they left then he said damn I hit that pebble pretty hard I face plumbed then he punched the wall separating us and his fist went through the wall like it was made of Lagos I yelled “DA FUCK”. He only said “sup bro” I punched him in the face but he only laughed at me and said “you know you can't hurt me you little baby man so what happened when I was gone”. I said not much happened after you bitch slapped the princess. I bitch slapped the princes damn I'm moving up in da world. He said happily I face palmed again. Alex “Let's blow this shit stand” ,I said and I deployed one of my Bryce things I told him to go and look if there are any guards. There where and the poor little things got smashed to death by one of the guards huffs “well now we know that there are guards”. Jarod said Alex they were standing there the whole time! Oh will that would explain why there where to ponies standing there and talking :). Then I proceeded to kick the door of the hinges one of the guards screamed like a little girl I fell down and laughed my ass off. The guard looked madly at me so then I got up and ran I lost sight of Jarod and as luck would have it I ran right into the throne room then I saw Celestia I said fuck and tried to run out the door but it got slammed shut I turned around to see one pissed of goddess pony looking at me with a death glare I almost laughed at her but she would probably get more mad so I did what anybody would do I throw a cupcake at her she did not like that her glare got more intense that's when I started to laugh she was surprised she asked me what was funny and I yelled YOUR FACE! And that's when I got the need to do something random I ran up and kissed the smallest alcorn that had highlights in her hair the guard next to her jumped on me and said how dare you kiss my wife. I throw him off and said it was an amazing kiss I pulled out a cupcake and said “don't move or you'll get it” And after that I jumped out another window and ended up breaking through the roof of what looked to be a flower shop I saw Jarod run past so I ran out of the shop and followed him when I caught up to him I said 'so did you have any trouble getting out?' he said no where were you? I said I was just having some fun that's all ha ha ha. Dakota As Dakota woke up he soon realized that he was naked and tied up. Oww my head what is that a strapon what ARE YOU DOING AAAAAAA. Bryce #2 I was doing what the master told me to do so I ran under the door I didn't see anything at first so I thought it was safe but then I heard a clopping noise but then I saw Bryce #1 get crushed under a huff I ran back to Alex and told him and then jumped back into his pocket and said hi to the other bryce's. Alex Jarod and Me ran into the forest it was dark and gloomy so I decided to sing a song num num num num num num num num nu Jarod said shut up. I did but only for a little bit hey what's that. I saw a lion thing sooo again I did what anybody else would do I grabbed a stick and I poked then lion “best idea ever”. Then the lion looked at me I poked it in the eye it rowed and slung its claws at me I dodged and jumped out of the way I yelled Jarod wake up NOW! He got up and said what’s wrong? There's a lion thing trying to kill me! Jarod started running to we ran for a little bit we were completely lost but right as Jarod was about to give up hope I said hey I see a small house I ran up to it and knocked on the door and ran behind a tree then a zebra came out the door and it said who is the beast I see hiding behind a tree? That's when I knew it was time to go because you don't fuck with people that rhyme so I grabbed Jarod and said let's get da fuck out of here we ran for a little bit but then I saw a cave I looked in it to see Dakota being raped by a girl pony with a starry hat I waved at him and said hi and left. We ran for a about 20 minutes we stopped because we were at the edge of the woods. Hey Jarod I can see a small town wait that's no way Jarod its ponyville O MY GODS! Jarod Yeah I, can read the sign Alex. Hey Jarod I think I see an apple tree over there. Wait Alex I think that's sweet Apple acres don't take any apples or they'll think you're stealing their apples but it was too late Alex had already ran into sweet Apple acres as I got there Alex was on the floor holding his balls yelling random curse words at a big red pony da fuck what happened? Then something hard hit me into the back of my head and then everything went black. I woke up to see Alex drinking something that smells like apple cider and I heard banging on the door but there was no door but there was a hatch so I thought that we were in the farm ponies cellar and it sounded like they did not want us in here. GET OUT OF MY CIDER CELLAR YA RASCOLS OH CELESTIA WHEN I GET MA HUFFS ON YALL THERES GOING TA BE HAY TA PAY! the then farm pony said I started town get worried but I was wasn’t surprised to see Alex dancing and singing he then looked at me and said don't worry Jarod there’s a back way out of here just follow me ok let’s go to ADVENTURE! Jarod “oh no this is not going to end well.” Alex "AY JAWOD I FEEL KINDA DRUNKS!" "Alex you just drank about 50 jugs of that stuff how'd you even drink all that stuff you should be on the floor having a seizure right about now?" "Jaged u knews ims goods giths my acahawls wayts get guings tos the bar itsvgoibg town be fojebhellbof anight cqamonjarod you bitch let's pawtay all night longs." "Alex we can’t go to town they'll throw us in a jail cell and stop talking like a retard." "What u talking about Jarod a looks a big tree a there's a door jarod there’s books I'm going ta make a pinyata!" 5 minutes later. "Ant it the best pinyata yours ever seens in all da worlds?" Hey, what's that noise spike are you getting into the refrigerator again? No Twilight. Then what the bucks that noise?! Hey Jerod I bet I san bit that glass off that tagol went this books. Hey what the buck are you doing into my HOUSE! What whars thwat ims ins u hose hey its a horse pinyata lets braks it opines! "And more importantly what are you!?" Alex then replied "I ........AM..........AAAAALLLLEEEEEEXXXXX!!! Jarod ALEX NO is all I could say as he jumped into the air and kicked twilight in the face knocking her out cold. ALEX WHAT THE FUCK DUDE! Her looks at me funny so Alex did what Alex thought Alex had to do. Dude now we're going to get arrested for breaking and entering and assault. What should we do with da body? She's not dead and we should put her in her bed. EWW JAGOD U's can't do that with her he's a ponies dudes. Hey I did not say I wanted to do that with her! Oh kzz let's go TO BED I CALL THAT ONE! Hey what are you things doing with twilight! Jarod itsadragonkill it! No Alex don't kill it. I don't needs to I tiez it up. How? I hit it with a book. How is that tying it up. I....... don't know. FUSS RO DAA EAT THAT DRAGON! Jarod im goingtogotobednow night zzzzzzzz. As Alex walked upstairs Jarod realized what just happened. Oh god we're going to be in a lot of trouble in the morning. Alex I woke up to a splitting headache ‘oh god damn it I have a hangover this fucking sucks dick.’ I got up holding my head walked out of the room being careful not to fall down in vain because I fell down the staircase the way down insisted of a lot of words starting with f, s, c, and d at the bottom I got up walked more like limped my way to the bathroom there I checked my body to find that nothing serious happened just some bruises here and there the odd thing is that I couldn’t hear or see Jarod anywhere ‘I wonder where Jarod is hmm he must have gone for a walk he can handle himself he’ll be fine.’ I went into the dining room to grab some food I could only find this weird salad it tasted like grass. After that I, walked into the living room ‘dame this place is like a library well I’m bored time to find something to do.’ I walked outside but stuck to the alleyways because if that apple pony sees me she’ll probably try to kill me after a little bit I found the school house and thought ‘kids always give helpful advice.’ -Jarod I woke up feeling like shit so I decided to go for a walk to clear my mind I walked out the door it was still kind of dark but that only means there are less ponies to see me I stuck to the alleyways I got out of town after a couple of minutes there is a big hill with an apple tree on it I walked up it grabbed an apple and laid down closed my eyes and slipped into sleep I woke up to the sound arguing “come on sis I know I seen it over here.” “Come on apple bloom there is no weird monkey here I reckon ya made this whole thing up.” Oh shit that’s applejack if she sees me I’m dead I start to crawl away from the voices I get to the edge of the hill I roll down it at the bottom I get up and start running when I hear “hey it’s that animal form yesterday I’M GOING TO BUCK YOU UP SO BAD GET BACK HERE.” -Alex I don’t see anyone so I walk to the back of the school there is a bunch of fillies playing on the playground I see diamond tiara and silver spoon picking on 2 of the CMC I walk up to them and grab them by their necks and throw them away I look down and ask “are you two ok?” “Yes but what are you?” “I’m a human but have you seen another thing that looks like me pass by here?” “No but we will be glad to help you look for it” ‘that sounds great to me lets go.’ We walk for a bit no one noticed me but we can’t find Jarod we look for a little longer with no success but then we see him running and yelling ‘ HELP ME OH GOD HELP SHES GOING TO KILL ME! I grabbed him and pulled him into the alleyway and put my hand over his mouth to keep him quiet he sees that it’s me and says ‘ damn I thought I was going to die fuck that was scary man I almost shit myself hey why are the CMC here and what are they doing?’ ‘A hole is a hole wait what did u say I was just remembering a story about scoot also oh they were helping me look for you.’ There is a story about me can you tell me it pleas?’ sure. NO YOU CAN’T TELL HERE IT YOU DIP SHIT THAT WOULD TRAUMATIZE HER.’ ‘Well I thought it was a good fanfic well anyway let’s get going we can’t go to the library cus twilight is probably undone by now so I have no idea of where we can go.’ ‘Hey you can come to the clubhouse I think it’s big enough for all of us to fit.’ Said scootaloo ‘well if it isn’t you can sit on my lap baby.’ ‘What I’m not a baby but uh okay?’ ‘Alex knock that shit off you fucking pervert!’ ‘lol well lets go.’ We walked for bit when we got to the clubhouse I looked at it. It is small but it’s big enough for us all to fit in it :( after the cmc left we talked about what we were going to do then we fell asleep. -jarod Before we fell asleep we decided that we would make amends with the ponies so when I woke Alex up we talked some more to figure out who we see first we agreed that we should go see twilight because she seems a lot safer then apple jack. We left when it was dark so to not be seen I remembered the way so it did not take us long to get there we could see her through the window she looked bad her eye was twitching and her mane is uncap and there is books everywhere I could listen to what she is saying if I put my ear to the window ‘what’s taking the girls so long we have to find those human before they cause more trouble.’ As she finished the sentence the door opened rainbow dash walked in saying something about practice for the wonder bolts. ‘I don’t care if you were practicing we have to find these humans before somepony gets hurt.’ ‘Ok comedown twilight I saw one earlier and it didn’t look so taught I bet I can take em all by myself.’ ‘Yea well if the whole royal guard couldn’t stop them then what is the chance that you can you have to think logically.’ ‘So they are going to try and captor Alex and me well this is going to be fun.’ -Alex As Jarod looked away from the window he said “Alex we have to get out of here they're going to try to capture us and bring us to princess celestia and she is most likely going to have us hung.” So me and Jarod headed back to the cmc clubhouse we didn't know what we were going to do option 1 we could hand our self’s in and most likely be put to death or run and hide like little baby men but we decided to think our options over. We were getting close to the cmc clubhouse but when we heard hoof steps we stopped and got down on the ground to not be seen we crawled over to a bush by the tree house we peeked out of the bush to see apple jack and big mack standing there and talking to the filly’s. We heard them say that some other filly’s saw them with the humans and that they wanted to know where the humans where the filly’s said that they haven’t seen the humans since they went to sleep. Jarod had been laying there for about 5 minutes and was starting to get itchy it was uncontrollable he had to scratch when he moved to scratch the itch he moved the bush the pony’s all turned towards the noise to see what it was big mack started to walk over to where he heard the noise as he looked in the bush he saw a shadow getting smaller as he raised his head he saw two tall creators running away. As Alex ran he turned to Jarod and said “we should go to the old castle in the everfree forest they won’t look for us in there. So me and Jarod ran to the old castle when we could see the castle we heard a scream for help we thought what the hell why not so we ran to the place we heard the scream and what we saw amazed us there stuck about 30 feet in a tree was our friend Andy. When we got him down we asked how he got here. -Andy I was sobbing when Alex and Jarod got me out of the tree. They asked me how I had got here. I told them all that I could remember: “it was dark out, I was walking to the gas station to get some chips and a soda. But as I was walking past a dark alley…*sob* a-a big black man grabbed me and he- he threw me onto the ground and then he said ‘i'm gonna make you ma bitch’. I screamed and tried to run... b-but he held me down... he pulled down my pants *sob* and then-then-theh… *sob* He was so big… At first, I was okay with it, ya know, anything to get some action… but he… It hurt so bad… He must have been at least a foot long, and a girth two times the size of a soda can… *sob* I felt him push the tip of his monster against my asshole. He… He went in dry…. *sob* He was so forceful. I felt my ass tear the farther he went in. Luckily my blood lubricated him a little bit… *sob* It made it a little less painful… I felt a pain I had never felt before, my intestines felt like they were being pushed into my chest. He thrashed my digestive tract so violently that all of my innards were displaced… And then he… He came… A jet so violent that it shot through my intestines, my stomach, and my throat… It came pouring out my mouth. I could hardly breathe. The thick sloppy goo got into my lungs… *sob* But it wasn't over after that… He pulled out, and took some of my intestines with him, and pulled me around so my mouth was facing him…. Then he forced open my mouth and shoved his massive, still rock hard, cock down my throat… *sob* I-I could taste my own blood from my ass… My throat burned with every thrust… Each time his raging cock went deeper and deeper into my throat… I started to lose consciousness from lack of air, due to his massive dick… *sob* He came again.. It shot through my system again and cum flew out my asshole…. He pulled out and I fell, limp, to the ground… Cum oozed from every crevice on my body… He knelt down next to me and whispered in my ear: ‘Do you know why they call me Frieza? Cuz I'm the coldest muthafucka in the hood.’ and with that he thrust his monstrous, gigantic, throbbing, demon of a member he called his cock into my ear… and everything went white…” “Did it go white for you? Because it went black for us..” Jarod said. “Must’ve been all the cum,” Alex said. Andy just stared at them deadpanning. He then felt the sudden urge to punch Alex in the face, and did so. The right hook sent Alex sailing to the ground where he landed head first onto a small pebble and was knocked out. His last thoughts: I wonder where i can get more alcohol.
chapter 2 i don't care any more :Dchapter 2 -Alex I woke up in a cloud. The beautiful, starry, night sky sprawled out before me. “Well how in the fuck did I get here?” I wondered. “You are in a dream,i,” said a voice behind me. I turned around to find myself face to face with Princess Luna. “OH SHIT MAN, NOW I CAN FULFIL MY FANTASIES!” She stared at me peculiarly, “I CAN USE THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE AS WELL, HOW DID YOU GET TO EQUESTRIA?” I knew I had to play it cool, “Hey there babyyy I’d like to raise your moon any night.” I gave her a wink. “What do you mean? Only my sister or I possess the power to raise the moon and the sun.” I had her now, allI had to do was seal the deal, “You wanna do some magic later? I know a spell that casts white magic from my horn.” I said as I nodded slowly and smiled at her. She looked even more confused now, “I know not of any spells that summon white magic, now answer my question, how did you get to Equestria?” Oh yeah, she wanted the D for sure. I leaned in close and kissed her while giving her a smack on the ass. She jumped back in shock. “Why has thou kissed me?! And you struck my flank too!” She said while blushing furiously. “Did you enjoy that too baby? Yea I know what you like.” I leaned close once more and wrapped my arms around her, I stroked her mane and whispered into her ear: “No sacrifice, No victory.” I then proceeded to lick her horn from the bottom up in a long stroke. Her body quivered uncontrollably as she stared at me in shock. I went to lick her horn again but she threw me off of the cloud and I fell to the ground and woke up. -Luna I awoke in my bedchambers in a sweat. “What a peculiar dream,” I said. I got up out of my bed and stretched. I wandered over to my mirror and couldn’t help but look at my horn. “White magic he said? From a horn? That must have been why he licked mine. He wanted my white magic!” I glanced in the mirror again. “Well, I must extract my white magic so people like him can’t take it from me!” I called my sister into my room. I told her about the strange encounter in my dream and about how we must protect our white magic from others. “So I need you to get the white magic out of my horn so I may keep it safe,” I said. “Yes, I would do anything for you sister, but could you perhaps get my white magic out as well?” “Of course,” I said, I only want the best for my sister and I. “So lets start then, I believe it went something like this.” I licked Celestia's horn just like the human did to me. I felt her shiver as I went for a second lick. Her horn began to shoot a sparkly goo all over and some even landed on my face. I began to lick faster to get all of the magic out but suddenly a royal guard burst into the room. “MY HIGHNESSES I HAVE IMPORTA-- ehhhh what are you doing?” I looked over at the guard “We are extracting each other's’ white magic so that thieves may not take it” I said. The guard smirked “Oh really? Because to me, it looked like you were giving her a horn job.” “A what?” Celestia asked. “It’s a sex thing, ya know, one pony sucks the others horn and then their horn ejaculates magic basically.” He said. I looked at Celestia, my mouth open in shock when some of her magic that had landed on my head fell into my mouth. I vomited and flew across the room at the same time in a fit of disgust. Celestia just stood in shock, partially covered in vomit, and fainted. As I stared across the room at my vomit trail then I realized what the human was trying to do to me… -Jarod Alex squirmed on the ground and made noises as though he was very poorly seducing someone. “I’d like to raise your moon,” he mumbled. I just shook my head and pulled a sharpie out of my pocket. I knelt down and drew a penis on his forehead. Andy started crying because it was black and a penis. After a few minutes of me laughing and Andy weeping Alex finally awoke. “C’mon ya silly faget, get up, you were talking about raising people’s moons while you were sleeping,” I said. “WER BIST DU?”Alex yelled. “What?” I asked. “BIST DU BLOD? ICH BIN DEIN FUHRER! DU MUSST HEIL MICH!” He screamed. “Whaaaaddddaaaafaaaeeqqq? Alex, you don’t speak German.” I said, rather confused as I didn’t think Alex, of all people, could speak German. “A new personality your friend has gotten, and it appears to be rather rotten.” Said a familiar voice. I turned around to see Zecora standing behind me. “Good! You’re here, can you fix this?” “I could translate for you what he says, but for me, you would have to-” “Cut the shit Zecora, we all know you don’t have to rhyme, just tell us how to fix this.” Suddenly in the deepest, blackest voice, Zecora said “If I don’t rhyme I sound like this. Now, you gotta go do somethin’ for me if you wanna be able to understand yo friend her.” Andy whimpered because it sounded just like the black man’s voice. “Sure, whatever, what do you want?” I asked “You gotta kill the bitch ass apple horse, she and her family have always been racist toward me. I've taken ‘nuff of her shit. I want you to kill her ratchet ass.” As she said that, Hitler/Alex (Hitlex) sat up with a huge grin and said “Wir ver wen den das GiftGas!” I sighed, “He said ‘we’re using the poison gas.’” Author's Note fuck rhyming that shit suck and its hard to do :D comment and fav :D and give me lots of hate :D
chapter 3 i don't know what i'm doing :DChapter 3 -Jarod We waited in the bushes outside Applejack’s barn to form our plan“Well Hitlex i’m sorry but we don’t have any gas.” I said. “Die BryceRoboters! Sie konnen das Giftgas dosieren!” Then he threw 3 Brycebots into the barn and locked the door shut. A muffled voice came from inside the barn, “What in tarnation is goin on here!? Oh hey little guy! What are you doin-” Suddenly, Gas. “Ahhhh! What the hay?!” she screamed, as her body started to tingle and go numb. We heard a *thomp* from outside as she hit the ground. With that we opened the door to look inside and make sure she was dead. She wasn’t. “Oh, hay. It's you varmints, get outta here, I dont need your help, now scram!” “It’s nothing personal, Apple Horse. But lets face it, you aren’t best pony, you are only a background pony. And not even the best background pony at that.” I said. Hitlex strolled about the room as though he was searching for something, he stopped in front of a rusty axe, “Ah! Wunderbar!” He said. He took the axe off of the wall and slung it over his shoulder and whistled a tune as he strolled over to where applejack lay. “Wha- What are ya gonna use that for!?” She yelled. I locked the barn from the inside and walked to where they kept an apple grinder. “hmm, picked up some things from Flim and Flam eh? Hmmph so much for family made..” “We need that to keep up with demand! you can't blame us!” She said. “YOUR BEST FRIEND CAN USE MAGIC TO DO ALL OF THE WORK YOU CAN DO IN A MONTH APPLE HORSE!” I yelled, I could feel my mental state dropping through the floor. “ah dont quite see where youre going with this, ya crazy bucker!” “Do you like bananas?” I asked her, as I nodded to Hitlex, who was holding the axe above one of her hind legs. “No.” “Wrong answer, background pony.” I said with a twisted grin on my face. With that, Hitlex swung the axe down onto her leg, and made it about halfway through, spraying blood across the barn floor. Applejack screamed out in agony, but was quickly silenced with my foot pinning her muzzle to the ground. “Now, now worst pony, we can’t have you making any noise, can we?” I said, as Hitlex stomped on the axe head and grinded against the bone until it broke through, spraying more blood across the floor and onto himself. A muffled scream came from Applejack and I pressed harder on her face, almost standing on her. Hot, crimson blood oozed from her mouth and nose and she blew bubbles in it trying to scream and breathe. The only thing keeping her leg attached was a thin membrane of nerves and muscle fibers. Hitlex subsequently ripped her leg off, and started to feed it through the apple grinder. I moved and forced her to watch. Once Hitlex finished grinding the leg, I curb stomped her face for a bit. Then we picked her up from each side and began to bring her to the apple grinder. Even though she was losing consciousness he knew what we were going to do, and she voided her digestive system on the way to the grinder. “C’mon now background pony! Is this how you want to go!? Crying in your own feces as you get turned into cider!? I mean, you dont have a choice on much of anything but the feces part. What I’m saying is, Fuck you for shitting on my shoes. I paid 70$ for these you cunt.” I said. She didn’t reply, only sobbing. “IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!!” Hitlex yelled as we pushed her through the grinder. The grinder made a sickening noise of cracking and mushing as she was put through, and it jammed right before her head got crushed. Hitlex pulled out a Brycebot, which closely resembled the doctor from salad fingers (episode 10) and he set it on applejack’s head. It began to take the flesh and fur off of her skull and cleaned the skull off before finally detaching it from the spinal cord and handing it to Hitlex. He found a semi-rusty chain and bound the skull to it, through the eye sockets, and then hung it around his neck as a trophy. “Thats nice and all, but theres one more thing i have to do…” I said. -Big Mack I walked into the barn in search of my sister, i hadn’t seen her all day and was wondering where she went. The barn smelled off to me but that wasn’t the strangest part, in the center of it was a table with glasses of red cider that said “Drink Up!”. -Hitlex All I could think about was wanting to gas the jews. I couldn’t find any though, so that orange apple horse had to substitute. Regardless, the psychopathic one took me back to the negro horse so that we could obtain the substance that we require, for reasons i do not know. As we entered the pitiful shack that negro horse called a house I noticed the weeping one in a corner, weeping of course, he seemed scared. I tried to look at him but when he saw me he just started crying even more, it appeared he was looking at my forehead. The Psychopath did some yelling at the negro, and the negro did some yelling back. Something about “not wanting the stupid ass potion” or something like that. Suddenly the horse threw a vial of white liquid at us and everything went black. -Luna I couldn’t help but go back into that human’s dreams… Just, something about him. I don’t know what. But this time he wasn’t alone, there was another human with him. They were standing on a cloud, talking to eachother. I flew down to greet them. The human from before noticed me and said, “Well heyyy baby, what's it like looking at the man of your dreams?” as he bounced his eyebrows up and down. The second human smacked him in the back of the head. “Well, we are in a dream” I said, “But it doesn’t look any different than before i guess.” “Hello princess Luna-” the second human began, but was cut off by the first human, “Can you guess how many licks it takes to get to the center of an Alex-pop?” I guess the first humans name was Alex. “Hmmm, judging by the amount of licks it takes to get to the center of regular lollipops.. I believe it goes 1 2 3 CRUNCH. So it should be about the same for one of your Alex-pops.” Alex threw his hands on his crotch and began to shy away from me. “Hmmph, yes as I was saying, hello Princess Luna, my name is Jarod and this is my.. ehhh.. “friend” Alex.” The second human, Jarod, said. I began to speak, but before i could even open my mouth, Alex had his arm around me and was talking, “Heyyyy baby, I can see that you and I love the same things: me.” I pushed him off of me, “I don’t love you! I am Princess Luna! Raiser of the moon! I have far better people to love!” I said. “Well I’m Alex, and the moon isn’t the only thing you raise, babyyyy” Jarod smacked him across the head again, but it didn’t help. Alex tore off his shirt and said, “Heyy there hot, sexy, momma! If you’d please take a look at my studly bod, then I may have the pleasure of you wanting to be my main squeeze.” I was confused, “I am not a mother,and flattered as I am, I will not allow you to squeeze me.” I don’t think he even heard me, because he said, “Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cuz I can definitely see myself in your pants.” I could feel blood rushing to my face. Even though I don’t wear pants, I knew what he was implying. I flew away and sent them back to the real world. -Andy I watched as the white liquid was sprayed across Jarod and Alex. I began to cry, the liquid reminded me too much of that black man’s cum. A shiver ran up my spine. And Zecora’s deep black man voice reminded me of it too. All I can do is cry, I can’t get it out of my mind. Suddenly Zecora was standing next to me, “Now that we have some alone time, I’ve had my eye on you ever since i first saw you. And guess what? I just took a special potion so we can have some fun.” It was just then when I saw the member in between her legs, not nearly as big as the black man’s but still uncomfortable looking, even for me. Zecora licked my neck and I shivered again, her tongue was cold. She then pushed me over and ripped off my pants. Tears began to pour from my eyes so much that i couldn’t see. She pressed the tip of her horse cock against my asshole, just like the black man. And just like the black man, she went in dry, and hard. I prayed that my ass would tear again so that my blood would lubricate it and make it less painful, but no such luck. Her dick was just big enough to hurt but small enough to not tear. Zecora put her full weight on me and pinned me to the ground, she used extra force and cracked my ribs between her hooves and the ground. Her thrusts got faster until she finally came. But she wasn’t done, the potion must have given her infinite stamina because she fucked me 3 or 4 more times after that. Each time getting more and more violent. By the time she had finished I was sure that my ankle was sprained, my ribs cracked, and I had internal bleeding somewhere. She left me in a pool of her cum as I wept on the floor. -Applebloom Its been three days since i’ve seen my sister. And I’ll never see her again. Big Mack found her mangled body in the barn, shredded up in the apple grinder. But, as though Applejack’s death wasn't bad enough, Big Mack is on trial for her murder now. I know he's innocent, theres no way he could kill her. Plus I heard him in the house with Granny Smith, it sounded like they were wrestling, they were both grunting and moaning. The town thinks otherwise of Big Mack though, and his case is going bad, he’ll probably be sent to the gallows. I’ve just been in my room crying. -Beef Nuts (Dakota for those of you who have forgotten) Trixie approached me with a rope, “We’re going to try a new position today, slave.” She said. I cringed, my asshole couldn’t take much more abuse. I felt like i was going insane. She began to tie the rope around me. I just tried to think of my happy place, I began to hum my favorite tune. I started quiet but slowly got louder. “What are you saying slave?” Trixie asked. I only hummed in return. “Fine I’ll let you talk just this once.” She pulled the gag out of my mouth with her magic as she continued to tie me up. “I got a jar of dirt, I got a jar of dirt, I jar got a jar of dirt, I GOT A JAR OF DIRT, AND GUESS WHAT'S INSIDE IT?!?!?!?!?!?!” “What the-?” she began, but I shoved the gag into her mouth and left her tied up in her own mess. I turned around to say farewell to her, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS! CAPTAIN JACKBEEF SPARROWNUTS THE GREY OUT BEYATCH!” I screamed. I ran through the forest until I found Sweet Apple Acres. I ran into the house and up the stairs. I leaned against the wall and slumped to the ground to catch my breath. I pulled a cupcake out of my pocket but I couldn’t eat it because i heard someone coming. -Granny Smith It was a shame that Big Mack was sent to the gallows, but oh well, all of those damn young’ns were ungrateful anyway. It was time for dinner so I started up the stairs to go get Applebloom. “Applebloom! Supper's ready!” I called as I reached the top of the stairs. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a human appeared, he cranked his arm back and sent it flying at me. It hit me square in the face, shattering my jaw. I bounced down the stairs and was impaled by my walker. “Well shit” I said as everything faded to black. applebloom I heard granny smith calling for me to come for dinner, but I didn’t want any, I was just too sad. But I heard a loud series of clunks and thuds. I was afraid it was Granny Smith falling down the stairs again, so I went to investigate. To my horror I saw Granny Smith at the bottom of the stairs, impaled, by her walker. Blood oozed out of her orifices as she lay there dead. At first I thought it was an accident, but at the top of the stairs I saw a cupcake.. I immediately called for a Cutie Mark Crusaders meeting. We all stood at opposite corners of the clubhouse, looking at the small, lone cupcake in the middle of the room, trying to get a grasp on why it was there. “It must be like, a message or something.” Sweetie Bell said. “Don’t be stupid” Scootaloo said, “What kind of message is that?” “If it is a message” I wondered, “Who would leave it?” “Well who around here would leave a cupcake at a murder scene?” Scootaloo asked. “Pinkie Pie?” Sweetie Bell said. My jaw dropped, it all made sense now, the cupcake, the crude “drink up” humor from applejack’s death, the creativity of Granny Smith’s murder. “THAT PINK PSYCHOPATHIC BALLOON BUTTED CUNT ASS BITCH!” I yelled. Sweetie and Scoots stared at me in shock, they had never heard me swear like that before. Then Sweetie said “YEAH FUCK THAT BITCH!” Scootaloo scooted away from Sweetie Bell and asked “Well what are we gonna do about it? Its not like we can kill her back or anything.” My eyes widened, “Thats exactly what we’ll do Scootaloo, and I know just who can do it.”
chapter 4 i'm only here to make you mad :DChapter 4 -Jarod I woke up in the middle of an apple orchard. Through a process of elimination, and there being only one apple orchard in Ponyville, I decided I was in Sweet Apple Acres. Alex was beside me, unconscious. I woke him up and we started to look for Andy. We couldn’t find him anywhere. We then agreed that he was probably dead or being raped. “Well, I guess we should probably get out of here, I dunno how long we’ve been out, but I’m guessing Apple Horse’s death is still news,” I said. “Yeah, thats probably a good idea,” Alex said. We began to walk when a loud cry sounded through the orchard: “THAT PINK PHSYCOPATHIC BALLOON BUTTED CUNT ASS BITCH!” Alex and I ran towards the source of the yelling and found the CMC clubhouse. We climbed inside just as Applebloom finished saying “I know just who can do it.” “Do what might I ask?” I asked. “Well speak of Tirek! It's just who I wanted to see!" Applebloom said. “Why do you want to see us?” “I need you guys to do a favor for me.” She said. “What kind of favor I asked?” I asked, suddenly speaking in the third person. “I’ve found out that Pinkie Pie has killed off my family, and I want revenge,” she said as the sky turned black and lightning struck. “OY, CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT” Screamed the director as he walked into the CMC clubhouse. “EY U, SMALL HORSE WIT DA PINK ‘AIR. DID U EVEN FOKKIN RAD DA SKREPT M8?” He yelled. Sweetie Bell’s actor, a guy in a horse costume, started to laugh. “OH YEW HAVVIN A FOKKIN GIGGLE M8? U HAVVIN A FOKKIN GIGGLE! IMMA FOKKIN REK U ‘IF U DON’T GET’URE SHEITEY AKT TOGETHER M8!” He stopped to catch a breath. “I’M FOKKKKKKIN RUNNIN DIS SHOW YA FOKKIN TWATS! GET. IT. RIGHT. IV NOT GOT ALL FOKKIN DAY.” With that, he went back to his chair and screamed “ACTION” at the top of his lungs into his megaphone. We walked inside Sugarcube Corner, the place was deserted. Hitlex looked upstairs while I searched the ground level. I waited at the bottom of the stairs for Hitlex to finish searching the upstairs. He finally descended, but was holding two little babies in each arm, one a unicorn and one a pegasus. “What are you gonna do with those?” I asked. Hitlex only motioned for me to follow as he walked into the kitchen. He set the babies on the counter, they sat there and looked at each other, unsure of what was happening. “Okay, what now?” I still didn’t quite know what he was doing. Hitlex ignored me and found a switch on the wall and flicked it. The garbage disposal in the sink whirred to life, Hitlex turned to face me and said “They are too powerful for this world to know. The pegasus can already fly, and the unicorn can already do magic that most would struggle with.” With that he grabbed the unicorn and held it over the razor sharp spinning blades, that on any other day this machine would be used for grinding unused food, but I guess that's what the Cake’s get for naming themselves after food. Hitlex started with Pumpkin Cake’s bottom right leg. Her hoof, being still fairly new and not fully hardened yet, grinded away easily and before long her leg was beginning to be eviscerated. Pumpkin began to cry and was about to scream but Hitlex clamped her mouth shut, her small muzzle easily fits in his hand. Pound cake saw this atrocity commence and started to fly toward Hitlex in an attempt to save his sister but I threw a 7-inch santoku knife, that I found in a nearby knife block, and hit him mid-air squarely on the wing and pinning him to the wall. As he struggled to escape, Pumpkin tried to use magic to free her from Hitlex’s agonizing, tempestuous, torment. I handed Hitlex a butcher's cleaver. He stopped grinding her leg and slammed her onto the table so she was laying down, with the cleaver raised he brought it hacking down, making it ¾ of the way through her horn. Her agonizing, muffled cries filled the air as she watched Hitlex raise the cleaver up a second time. Again he chopped down with the clever, severing the horn clean off and embedding the knife deep into the counter. While Hitlex continued antagonizing Pumpkin, I set work to building a contraption, with only a pencil, a used napkin, a q-tip, some tin foil, and a piece of paper. I constructed a device that would trigger the microwave when someone walked through the front door. With that finished, I threw Pound Cake into the microwave with about 75 ball bearings that I found. Hitlex continued to grind Pumpkin until her leg was completely shredded off and then hung the now lifeless body from the ceiling fan and set it on maximum. The body whipped around and sprayed blood everywhere in the room. With the cake twins out of the way, I asked: “What about Pink balloon horse?” “The basement is the last place to look” He replied. So we opened the door to the basement and walked down. We found Pinkie, but we also found Rainbow Dash. In the dank, musty, dark room we saw a very crazy looking Pink balloon horse standing next to a tray of sharp tools in front of Rainbow fast horse. Rainbow had her wings chopped off and tears streamed down her face. “I knew I’d find you here, you Pink bitch, ” Hitlex said. The Balloon horse turned around with a crazed look on her face and a twisted smile she sai: “so many ponies to kill so little time.” “Well SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!” Hitlex yelled as he pulled a grenade launcher. He began firing randomly in the room, somehow missing literally everything important to the plot’s advancement. Balloon horse wafted away the smoke and yelled: “BLARGLARGHARH GET TO THE CHOPPA!!!” Hitlex replied with “IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO CHILL OUT.” he said and threw one ice cube at Pinkie but it only made it about halfway to her. She said “HERES YOUR SUBZERO, NOW PLAIN ZERO” in response “I LIVE TO SEE YOU EAT THAT CONTRACT, BUT I HOPE YOU SAVE ENOUGH ROOM FOR MY FIST, BECAUSE IM GOING TO RAM IT INTO YOUR STOMACH AND BREAK YOUR GODDAMN SPINE!!” Hitlex yelled. Pinkie returned with “YOU SCARED MUTHA FUCKA? THIS GREEN BERETS ABOUT TO KICK YOUR ASS!” To which Hitlex responded “I EAT GREEN BERETS FOR BREAKFAST, AND I AM VERY HUNGRY!” then he threw a knife at Balloon horse and stuck her to a wall. He walked over to where she hanged and said “Stick around.” as Hitlex turned around Pinkie vanished and reappeared beside me. With the element of surprise (Go fucking figure) she bucked me into the nearby concrete wall and I slumped to the ground, the wind knocked out of me. She then teleported behind Hitlex and attempted to strike him, he turned around in just enough time to block her. But when he turned around she was wearing a suit and sunglasses. An epic fight ensued between Hitlex and Balloon horse, but before long, a line of Balloon horses wearing suits and sunglasses began to trot down the stairs and join in the fray. And as if things couldn’t get any worse, all of the Balloon horses began to morph together and turned into a giant Pink Balloon Horse. But suddenly, just when it looked like we were finished I heard the voices 5 men, come to save the day: Nicolas Cage, Adam Sandler, Bruce Willis, Robin Williams, and Captain Jack Sparrow. They each arrived in their own machine. Nic Cage arrived in a giant mechanized Beehive. Adam Sandler arrived in a huge remote shaped aircraft. Bruce Willis arrived in an enormous 19 wheeled dura-steel titanium truck going 9001 miles per hour, decked out with fully automatic 807-millimeter homing missile turrets, purposefully destroying everything in town on his way to the fight. Robin Williams arrived in a giant ball of Flubber. Captain Jack Sparrow arrived in the Black Pearl, floating in mid-air and plated in Iron. Each of them then yelled out a cheesy one-liner. “THE BEEEEEEEESS!!!!!!!” Nic Cage yelled. “YOU AINT COOL UNLESS YOU PEE YOUR PANTS!” Adam Sandler yelled. “YIPIEE KAYAY MOTHERFUCKER!!!” Bruce Willis yelled. “You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.” Robin Williams said quietly. “WHY IS THE RUM ALWAYS GONE!!!” Captain Jack yelled. And with that, all of their transportation vehicles morphed together and turned into a Voltron. The Voltron and the giant Balloon Horse began to fight. Meanwhile, on the ground, a huge army of balloon horses massed to attack the Voltron but a subatomic particle space-time continuum thermonuclear mecha relay warp wormhole black hole antimatter Schroedinger's cat "GET ON WITH IT" The bridge guardian yelled. "YES, GET ON WITH IT" Tim yelled. "GET ON WITH IT" The army yelled. A rift opened and out from it poured an army of Krogan warlords led by Liberty Prime. "COMMUNISM IS A TEMPORARY OBSTACLE ON THE ROAD TO FREEDOM!" Liberty Prime boomed as he hurled a mini nuke at the mass of pink horses. They exploded into confetti. The Krogans charged into the pink horses flailing their war hammers about, crushing the horses skulls in single blows, then turning around and gunning down five at a time with their shotguns. Liberty prime stomped on one of the balloon horses and left it in a giant statue of liberty shaped cookie. The Voltron grew a sword out from its forearm and lunged at the giant pink horse. The horse blocked the attack and then countered with a right hook towards the Voltron’s head. The Voltron ducked out of the way and attacked again. In the meantime, a bunch of other rifts opened each one holding troops that supported either the Voltron or the Horse. On the Horses side, a rift opened summoning Daleks, Reapers, the Russian army, Godzilla, Pewdiepie, the Covenant, SCP-173, and worst of all Super Man. On the Voltron side a rift summoned Doomguy, Master chief, Freddy Faz Bear (and R63 Foxy), The death star (in orbit), Uberhaxornova, Markiplier, The 300 Spartans, Gordon Freeman, OJ Simpson, Liam Neeson, Kratos, Optimus Prime, General Lee, The moon Nazis, 5 Borg cubes, and best of all Goku. Finally, a third rift opened. It was Hammerfall, Blind Garden, Erasure, The Men Without Hats, Lady Gaga, and Richard Wagner standing on a cloud playing epic background music for the battle. Super Saiyan 4 Goku and Superman flew into the air and met each other with furious attacks, making shockwaves as each blow landed. Gordon Freeman, Doomguy, and Kratos all ran into the marching onslaught of Daleks, Freeman wailed on one with his trusty crowbar, Doomguy used his BFG 9000 to disintegrate 20 Daleks at a time, and Kratos threw his blades of fate at two separate Daleks wrapping the chains around them, and then he flung them together, completely destroying them. The Reaper ships latched onto the Borg cubes and began to destroy them, but the Death Star fired its laser and destroyed half of them. Master chief ran straight at SCP-173 firing a spartan laser straight at its face. Pewdiepie and Nova just yelled at each other, Nova broke a keyboard over his knee and Pewdie threw tiaras everywhere. The moon Nazis eagerly flew towards the Russian army, firing all they had toward their ranks. Out of nowhere a Sharknado came and tore Godzilla to shreds. The 300 led by OJ Simpson, Liam Neeson, General Lee, Optimus Prime, and Markiplier attacked the inbound Covenant drop force. The battle looked to go in our way, but suddenly, all of the pink horses pulled out party cannons, and each one spawned 20 more pink horses who pulled out party cannons and spawned 20 more pink horses. They swarmed over Liberty Prime and his Krogans. “DEMOCRACY IS NON-NEGOTIABLE, DEATH IS A PREFERABLE ALTERNATIVE TO COMMUNISM,” He said as he detonated all of his remaining mini nukes. The explosion tore his body to bits but took out many of the horses. Freddy Faz Bear nodded to Markiplier who nodded to Kratos who nodded to Freeman who nodded to a Krogan who nodded to Nova who nodded to General Lee who nodded to Oj Simpson who nodded to Leonidas who nodded to Optimus Prime who nodded to a moon Nazi who nodded to Liam Neeson who nodded to Goku who nodded to Doomguy who nodded to chief who nodded to a borg who nodded to Darth Vader. This was the signal for the failsafe. Darth Vader on the bridge of the death star, wearing a red, white, and blue version of his typically black outfit, signaled for their descent onto the planet. The Deathstar lowered through the atmosphere, the flaming ball of a space station collided into Ponyville and what was left of the combatants down below. A single tear ran down Darth Vader’s cheek as he quietly said “I die so that democracy can live.”
