dabigpoop in equestria

Chapter 4
-Jarod

I woke up in the middle of an apple orchard. Through a process of elimination, and there being only one apple orchard in Ponyville, I decided I was in Sweet Apple Acres. Alex was beside me, unconscious. I woke him up and we started to look for Andy. We couldn’t find him anywhere. We then agreed that he was probably dead or being raped. “Well, I guess we should probably get out of here, I dunno how long we’ve been out, but I’m guessing Apple Horse’s death is still news,” I said. “Yeah, thats probably a good idea,” Alex said. We began to walk when a loud cry sounded through the orchard: “THAT PINK PHSYCOPATHIC BALLOON BUTTED CUNT ASS BITCH!” Alex and I ran towards the source of the yelling and found the CMC clubhouse. We climbed inside just as Applebloom finished saying “I know just who can do it.” “Do what might I ask?” I asked. “Well speak of Tirek! It's just who I wanted to see!" Applebloom said. “Why do you want to see us?” “I need you guys to do a favor for me.” She said. “What kind of favor I asked?” I asked, suddenly speaking in the third person. “I’ve found out that Pinkie Pie has killed off my family, and I want revenge,” she said as the sky turned black and lightning struck.
“OY, CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT” Screamed the director as he walked into the CMC clubhouse. “EY U, SMALL HORSE WIT DA PINK ‘AIR. DID U EVEN FOKKIN RAD DA SKREPT M8?” He yelled. Sweetie Bell’s actor, a guy in a horse costume, started to laugh. “OH YEW HAVVIN A FOKKIN GIGGLE M8? U HAVVIN A FOKKIN GIGGLE! IMMA FOKKIN REK U ‘IF U DON’T GET’URE SHEITEY AKT TOGETHER M8!” He stopped to catch a breath. “I’M FOKKKKKKIN RUNNIN DIS SHOW YA FOKKIN TWATS! GET. IT. RIGHT. IV NOT GOT ALL FOKKIN DAY.” With that, he went back to his chair and screamed “ACTION” at the top of his lungs into his megaphone.

We walked inside Sugarcube Corner, the place was deserted. Hitlex looked upstairs while I searched the ground level. I waited at the bottom of the stairs for Hitlex to finish searching the upstairs. He finally descended, but was holding two little babies in each arm, one a unicorn and one a pegasus. “What are you gonna do with those?” I asked. Hitlex only motioned for me to follow as he walked into the kitchen. He set the babies on the counter, they sat there and looked at each other, unsure of what was happening. “Okay, what now?” I still didn’t quite know what he was doing. Hitlex ignored me and found a switch on the wall and flicked it. The garbage disposal in the sink whirred to life, Hitlex turned to face me and said “They are too powerful for this world to know. The pegasus can already fly, and the unicorn can already do magic that most would struggle with.” With that he grabbed the unicorn and held it over the razor sharp spinning blades, that on any other day this machine would be used for grinding unused food, but I guess that's what the Cake’s get for naming themselves after food. Hitlex started with Pumpkin Cake’s bottom right leg. Her hoof, being still fairly new and not fully hardened yet, grinded away easily and before long her leg was beginning to be eviscerated. Pumpkin began to cry and was about to scream but Hitlex clamped her mouth shut, her small muzzle easily fits in his hand. Pound cake saw this atrocity commence and started to fly toward Hitlex in an attempt to save his sister but I threw a 7-inch santoku knife, that I found in a nearby knife block, and hit him mid-air squarely on the wing and pinning him to the wall. As he struggled to escape, Pumpkin tried to use magic to free her from Hitlex’s agonizing, tempestuous, torment. I handed Hitlex a butcher's cleaver. He stopped grinding her leg and slammed her onto the table so she was laying down, with the cleaver raised he brought it hacking down, making it ¾ of the way through her horn. Her agonizing, muffled cries filled the air as she watched Hitlex raise the cleaver up a second time. Again he chopped down with the clever, severing the horn clean off and embedding the knife deep into the counter. While Hitlex continued antagonizing Pumpkin, I set work to building a contraption, with only a pencil, a used napkin, a q-tip, some tin foil, and a piece of paper. I constructed a device that would trigger the microwave when someone walked through the front door. With that finished, I threw Pound Cake into the microwave with about 75 ball bearings that I found. Hitlex continued to grind Pumpkin until her leg was completely shredded off and then hung the now lifeless body from the ceiling fan and set it on maximum. The body whipped around and sprayed blood everywhere in the room. With the cake twins out of the way, I asked: “What about Pink balloon horse?” “The basement is the last place to look” He replied. So we opened the door to the basement and walked down. We found Pinkie, but we also found Rainbow Dash. In the dank, musty, dark room we saw a very crazy looking Pink balloon horse standing next to a tray of sharp tools in front of Rainbow fast horse. Rainbow had her wings chopped off and tears streamed down her face. “I knew I’d find you here, you Pink bitch, ” Hitlex said. The Balloon horse turned around with a crazed look on her face and a twisted smile she sai: “so many ponies to kill so little time.” “Well SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!” Hitlex yelled as he pulled a grenade launcher. He began firing randomly in the room, somehow missing literally everything important to the plot’s advancement. Balloon horse wafted away the smoke and yelled: “BLARGLARGHARH GET TO THE CHOPPA!!!” Hitlex replied with “IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO CHILL OUT.” he said and threw one ice cube at Pinkie but it only made it about halfway to her. She said “HERES YOUR SUBZERO, NOW PLAIN ZERO” in response “I LIVE TO SEE YOU EAT THAT CONTRACT, BUT I HOPE YOU SAVE ENOUGH ROOM FOR MY FIST, BECAUSE IM GOING TO RAM IT INTO YOUR STOMACH AND BREAK YOUR GODDAMN SPINE!!” Hitlex yelled. Pinkie returned with “YOU SCARED MUTHA FUCKA? THIS GREEN BERETS ABOUT TO KICK YOUR ASS!” To which Hitlex responded “I EAT GREEN BERETS FOR BREAKFAST, AND I AM VERY HUNGRY!” then he threw a knife at Balloon horse and stuck her to a wall. He walked over to where she hanged and said “Stick around.” as Hitlex turned around Pinkie vanished and reappeared beside me. With the element of surprise (Go fucking figure) she bucked me into the nearby concrete wall and I slumped to the ground, the wind knocked out of me. She then teleported behind Hitlex and attempted to strike him, he turned around in just enough time to block her. But when he turned around she was wearing a suit and sunglasses. An epic fight ensued between Hitlex and Balloon horse, but before long, a line of Balloon horses wearing suits and sunglasses began to trot down the stairs and join in the fray. And as if things couldn’t get any worse, all of the Balloon horses began to morph together and turned into a giant Pink Balloon Horse. But suddenly, just when it looked like we were finished I heard the voices 5 men, come to save the day: Nicolas Cage, Adam Sandler, Bruce Willis, Robin Williams, and Captain Jack Sparrow. They each arrived in their own machine. Nic Cage arrived in a giant mechanized Beehive. Adam Sandler arrived in a huge remote shaped aircraft. Bruce Willis arrived in an enormous 19 wheeled dura-steel titanium truck going 9001 miles per hour, decked out with fully automatic 807-millimeter homing missile turrets, purposefully destroying everything in town on his way to the fight. Robin Williams arrived in a giant ball of Flubber. Captain Jack Sparrow arrived in the Black Pearl, floating in mid-air and plated in Iron. Each of them then yelled out a cheesy one-liner. “THE BEEEEEEEESS!!!!!!!” Nic Cage yelled. “YOU AINT COOL UNLESS YOU PEE YOUR PANTS!” Adam Sandler yelled. “YIPIEE KAYAY MOTHERFUCKER!!!” Bruce Willis yelled. “You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.” Robin Williams said quietly. “WHY IS THE RUM ALWAYS GONE!!!” Captain Jack yelled. And with that, all of their transportation vehicles morphed together and turned into a Voltron. The Voltron and the giant Balloon Horse began to fight. Meanwhile, on the ground, a huge army of balloon horses massed to attack the Voltron but a subatomic particle space-time continuum thermonuclear mecha relay warp wormhole black hole antimatter Schroedinger's cat "GET ON WITH IT" The bridge guardian yelled. "YES, GET ON WITH IT" Tim yelled. "GET ON WITH IT" The army yelled. A rift opened and out from it poured an army of Krogan warlords led by Liberty Prime. "COMMUNISM IS A TEMPORARY OBSTACLE ON THE ROAD TO FREEDOM!" Liberty Prime boomed as he hurled a mini nuke at the mass of pink horses. They exploded into confetti. The Krogans charged into the pink horses flailing their war hammers about, crushing the horses skulls in single blows, then turning around and gunning down five at a time with their shotguns. Liberty prime stomped on one of the balloon horses and left it in a giant statue of liberty shaped cookie. The Voltron grew a sword out from its forearm and lunged at the giant pink horse. The horse blocked the attack and then countered with a right hook towards the Voltron’s head. The Voltron ducked out of the way and attacked again. In the meantime, a bunch of other rifts opened each one holding troops that supported either the Voltron or the Horse. On the Horses side, a rift opened summoning Daleks, Reapers, the Russian army, Godzilla, Pewdiepie, the Covenant, SCP-173, and worst of all Super Man. On the Voltron side a rift summoned Doomguy, Master chief, Freddy Faz Bear (and R63 Foxy), The death star (in orbit), Uberhaxornova, Markiplier, The 300 Spartans, Gordon Freeman, OJ Simpson, Liam Neeson, Kratos, Optimus Prime, General Lee, The moon Nazis, 5 Borg cubes, and best of all Goku. Finally, a third rift opened. It was Hammerfall, Blind Garden, Erasure, The Men Without Hats, Lady Gaga, and Richard Wagner standing on a cloud playing epic background music for the battle. Super Saiyan 4 Goku and Superman flew into the air and met each other with furious attacks, making shockwaves as each blow landed. Gordon Freeman, Doomguy, and Kratos all ran into the marching onslaught of Daleks, Freeman wailed on one with his trusty crowbar, Doomguy used his BFG 9000 to disintegrate 20 Daleks at a time, and Kratos threw his blades of fate at two separate Daleks wrapping the chains around them, and then he flung them together, completely destroying them. The Reaper ships latched onto the Borg cubes and began to destroy them, but the Death Star fired its laser and destroyed half of them. Master chief ran straight at SCP-173 firing a spartan laser straight at its face. Pewdiepie and Nova just yelled at each other, Nova broke a keyboard over his knee and Pewdie threw tiaras everywhere. The moon Nazis eagerly flew towards the Russian army, firing all they had toward their ranks. Out of nowhere a Sharknado came and tore Godzilla to shreds. The 300 led by OJ Simpson, Liam Neeson, General Lee, Optimus Prime, and Markiplier attacked the inbound Covenant drop force. The battle looked to go in our way, but suddenly, all of the pink horses pulled out party cannons, and each one spawned 20 more pink horses who pulled out party cannons and spawned 20 more pink horses. They swarmed over Liberty Prime and his Krogans. “DEMOCRACY IS NON-NEGOTIABLE, DEATH IS A PREFERABLE ALTERNATIVE TO COMMUNISM,” He said as he detonated all of his remaining mini nukes. The explosion tore his body to bits but took out many of the horses. Freddy Faz Bear nodded to Markiplier who nodded to Kratos who nodded to Freeman who nodded to a Krogan who nodded to Nova who nodded to General Lee who nodded to Oj Simpson who nodded to Leonidas who nodded to Optimus Prime who nodded to a moon Nazi who nodded to Liam Neeson who nodded to Goku who nodded to Doomguy who nodded to chief who nodded to a borg who nodded to Darth Vader. This was the signal for the failsafe. Darth Vader on the bridge of the death star, wearing a red, white, and blue version of his typically black outfit, signaled for their descent onto the planet. The Deathstar lowered through the atmosphere, the flaming ball of a space station collided into Ponyville and what was left of the combatants down below. A single tear ran down Darth Vader’s cheek as he quietly said
“I die so that democracy can live.”