Deadpool and Pinkie Pie: 1,039 Hoursby MixedBag1994ChaptersPanhandling MiseryKerplunk!Hitchin' A RideWade and Pinkamena Do The ArchivesGoing To CanterlotMission:Unlikely Having A BlastCue "Mighty Wings"Derpy's Wings Who?Scenes From an Equestrian Cafe¡Viva La Dashie!Egghead Rotten BreathConfessions Part 4Panhandling MiseryDowntown Canterlot is not a good place to be at night, Especially near Warning Boulevard. Pinkie Pie thought to herself,”Why would Deadpool want to discuss his plan for paying off the Mafia in this Scary place?” Soon she got to the address and she did in fact ask for Cass Ette. Soon, Pinkie entered a dung heap of an apartment. The wood paneling was exposed, there was an uncovered ratty mattress and at least 30 empty bottles of Dos Hayquis. Standing there was Deadpool who Immediately gave Pinkie a large and amorous hug. In the corner of the room was a cloaked alicorn. “Who is that?” said Pinkie pointing towards the cloaked figure. “That is the alicorn who is gonna solve our problems.” said Deadpool. “I am Princess Luna and I understand that you both are very versatile mercenaries.” said the cloaked figure. “We are the type of people that can do any job any price above 5,000 bits.” said Deadpool as Pinkie nodded agreeingly. “Good. What I want you two to do is to take out these people. The prices are listed next to the names If you can report back to me in 30 Days or less,You will get enough bits to cover your debt and enough to make yourselves a very comfortable lifestyle.” After that sentence, Luna was gone in a puff of smoke. The Hit List was as follows: 1.Gilda the Griffon--78,000 Bits 2.The Great and Powerful Trixie--100,569 Bits “This seems to be a list of the most Hated beings in Equestria.” said Pinkie. “That explains the hefty paychecks.” replied Deadpool. “Well. Best Get Started but how are we gonna find these two people?” asked Pinkie. “Simple, You still got that Candy Helicopter?” said Deadpool. “Yes.” said Pinkie. “Then we best Get back to the hotel room, for the night is growing dim and we need our strength and some Magic spells perhaps.” said Deadpool. Kerplunk!Finding no feasible place to land Deadpool and Pinkie had no choice but to skydive into Cloudsdale. The total length of skydive was about 30 Seconds. “Well,That was Short and Anticlimactic.” said Deadpool. “Tell me About it.” said Pinkie. Deadpool,Looking for a place to relax after jumping off a pedal copter, decides to see “The Long Hearth’s Warming Eve” again. He and Pinkie walked into the theater,coincidentally one row below Gilda. “That’s Gilda.” whispered Pinkie. “I've Got My Silencer ready.” Whispered Deadpool. They waited till the massive explosion during the climax until Deadpool finally pulled the trigger. The Bullet went right through her head and through the screen. Her Head landed in her popcorn with a Large “Kerplunk!”. They Snuck out of the theater with the corpse stuffed in Deadpool’s Duffel Bag in order to drop off the bag to the spot Luna requested. They Had to stop in Canterlot on the way to the Crystal Empire Archives to relax and recuperate. Hitchin' A RidePinkie knew that any current location of anypony would be placed in the Crystal Empire archives, but she didn’t want to ride the train again. “Deadpool, Can I ask you something?” asked Pinkie. “Sure.” said Deadpool. “Can I throw all logic out the window?” Asked Pinkie. “FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA,YES!!!!” screamed Deadpool. “Alrighty Then, I shall now pull a car out of the ground.” said Pinkie. She proceeded to pull a 1982 DeLorean out of the top of the Movie Theater. They Both got in the car as Deadpool took the driver’s seat. “Why can’t I Drive?!” yelled Pinkie. “Do You have opposable thumbs?” asked Deadpool. Pinkie just sunk into her seat and put on the pair of sunglasses on the dashboard, as did Deadpool. Deadpool slammed on the gas and drove off the building. “Wait A Minute.” said Pinkie. “Twilight didn’t Enchant the DeLorean.” “Oh Crap.” said Deadpool. As the DeLorean fell through the Ground, they were suddenly lifted from certain death by two surprising figures,Fluttershy and Derpy Hooves. “Fluttershy?, What Are You Doing?” yelled Pinkie. “I’m Saving You from Certain Death!, if that’s ok with you.” replied Fluttershy. “What’s Derpy doing Here then?” yelled Deadpool. “I may not be very smart, but i have a large amount of Love coming from and towards me.” replied Derpy. “So the large amount of love makes you a powerful being.” said Pinkie. “Exactly.” said Derpy. “Any Where we can drop you off?” said Derpy. “The Crystal Empire.” said Deadpool. Wade and Pinkamena Do The ArchivesDerpy and Fluttershy positioned the DeLorean over the Crystal empire Archives. But then, in a fit of poor judgement, Deadpool opened up a Banana Nut Muffin. The DeLorean was Positioned over the Archives which happened to be in the Castle when the scent of the Muffin reached Derpy and immediately moved towards the muffin, letting go of the DeLorean in the process. “CAN’T. HOLD. ON. MUCH. LONGER!” said Fluttershy as the DeLorean slipped through her hooves. The DeLorean Descended at high speeds towards the castle where the archives are located. “Pinkie, if we crash and burn horribly i have something to confess.” “What?” said Pinkie “I...I...I’ve always loved Twilight.” “That’s so Sweet.” said Pinkie. “I Have something to confess as well.” said Pinkie. “I read your Daring Do fanfiction, Deadpool. and I Loved It!” said Pinkie “Thank You.” Said Deadpool. The DeLorean crashed through the Roof of the Royal Bedroom where Shining Armor and Cadance were sleeping. The DeLorean crashed through the roof of the castle with a massive CRRRRAAAASSSSHHHHH!!!!!!! “What in the Name of Celestia is Going on Here?!” yelled Shining Armor. “Oh, Calm Down honey, It’s Just Pinkie Pie.” said Cadance. Pinkie Rolled down her Window. “Hi Cadence!, Hi Shining Armor!” yelled Pinkie. “What are you two Doing in the Royal bedroom with a car?” said Cadance. “Long Story.” said Deadpool. “Mind if we check out the Archives?” said Deadpool. “Sure, Down the main staircase and Take a left, First door on the Right.” said Shining Armor “Thanks.” said Pinkie Pie. The DeLorean drove through the Double-Doors. “Are you Sure that they should Be Driving that car through the Castle?” said Cadance. “They should be fine.” said Shining Armor. The DeLorean drove through the Doors of the Archives at a speed of 73 miles per hour. So Fast it blew the doors right off the hinges and threw the window 30 feet across the room. along with several files. Coincidentally, the file for “The Great and Powerful Trixie” happened to land on the Windshield. “Well, We Know Where the file is Now.” said Deadpool as he grabbed the file. “Where is She?” asked Pinkie. “Dear Sweet Celestia, She is Currently Living on the top floor of the Royal Castle.” said Deadpool. Going To Canterlot“It’s 106 Miles to Canterlot, We’ve got a full tank of Gas, ‘Dookie’ on Cassette, it’s Dark, and We’re wearing sunglasses.” said Deadpool. “Hit It.” said Pinkie. Deadpool started the Car, placed the cassette in the player,slammed the gas, and Drove right into the snow covered tundra and straight on the train tracks. They knew in order to kill Trixie,they had to gather their forces. They Stopped in Ponyville to get the other ponies on board for this insane job. The First stop was at Twilight Sparkle’s House. Deadpool entered the house. Twilight was in a corner loading her satchel. “Twilight, It’s Time.” said Deadpool. Twilight turned around with the satchel on her side. “You don’t know how long I have been waiting for you to say that.” “Well Then, Meet me at Sugarcube Corner in 10 Minutes.” Pinkie went to Sweet Apple Acres to recruit Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Pinkie Walked towards Applejack. “We need to get you and Rainbow Dash to Sugarcube Corner in 10 Minutes. Deadpool will explain when you two get there.” said Pinkie. “You Know, Rainbow Dash has actually made great progress with the Rehab, I was actually planning on letting her graduate from Rehab today Despite Being at step 294.” said Applejack. “Let her go.” said Pinkie. “Alright, I will.” said Applejack. “Good.” said Deadpool. “Just one Question.” said Applejack. “How Did You Get Here?” asked Applejack. “Don’t Question my Awesomeness.” Deadpool and Pinkie got in the DeLorean and Drove to Carousel Boutique. Fluttershy and Rarity were having some homemade tea. Deadpool slipped a note under the door. Rarity picked up the note. “How odd.” said Rarity. “What does it say?” Asked Fluttershy. “It says ‘Sugarcube Corner. 10 Minutes. Bring Fluttershy’ and it’s signed by Deadpool and Pinkie Pie.” said Rarity. Everypony Showed up to Sugarcube Corner wondering what the request was about. Deadpool brought out a Soapbox and a Megaphone. “Ponies, Filles, Fans of ‘Top Gun’ lend me Your Ears!” said Deadpool. “For many months I have lived among you as ‘That Ninja Spider-Man that hangs out with Pinkie Pie’ but Today Me and Pinkie are going to plan an assault of Trixie.” Everypony Cheered. “Myself and Deadpool have decided to go full military planning mode to get Trixie out of the Way. We have Brought you here to Join our cause. Now Who’s With Us?!” said Pinkie. “I Am!” said Twilight. “I am Too” Said Rainbow Dash. "So Am I!” said Applejack. “Yes.” said Fluttershy. “I Will also!” said Rarity “AYE!” yelled Everypony else. “Great!” yelled Deadpool. “Now, Everypony will have a Job to do in this operation. Rainbow Dash, Derpy, and Fluttershy, You will be responsible for recon around the castle." “Can Do!” yelled Rainbow Dash. “Rarity, you Will design the Armor, make something Durable,but classy.” Said Pinkie Pie. “You’ll get my best hoof Forward!” said Rarity. “Twilight, you will have Two jobs on this operation. First you will plan an entrance route into the Royal Castle and you will be with me and Pinkie when we Take out Trixie.” said Deadpool. “I shall read all the Tom Clancy novels in the Library to Prepare myself after i finish Planning the Route.” said Twilight. “Everypony Else, Will be Responsible for Backup.” said Pinkie. “We Strike at Midnight Tomorrow, But we Leave for Canterlot Tonight!” yelled Deadpool. The Ponies got their collections of bullets, ammunition, blunt instruments, and entrance music ready. The train was prepared for the long journey to Canterlot. There was at least 3 cargo trailers, 2 Sleeping cars,a platform for the DeLorean and a Spa. The Weapons were loaded, the battalion ready and Deadpool was already in the Spa getting his back Massaged, as was Pinkie and Twilight. “Soooo, When should we be in Canterlot?” asked Twilight. “By the Next Chapter,Duh.” said Deadpool. Mission:Unlikely Mission:Unlikely The sneaking in of the Castle was about to begin. “I Suggest that we go in Subtly and Discreetly.” said Twilight. “Good Thing I Brought my Harpoon Gun.” said Pinkie as she shot it. “Why Do You Have a Harpoon Gun, Pinkie?” asked Twilight. “If you Need to ask, you will never know.” said Pinkie. The harpoon had reached the top window of the castle where Trixie was last seen, 30 Feet Up. “Alright.” said Deadpool. “Let’s Boogie.” The trio grabbed onto the rope and scaled the tower up until the 15 Feet Mark. “I Just thought of Something.” said Deadpool. “Doesn't That Harpoon gun come with a ‘Retract’ Setting, Pinkie?” “You Know?, I Never thought of that.” said Pinkie. Pinkie then proceeded to locate the “Retract” button on the Harpoon Gun and pressed it. The trio rocketed off as the gun pulled them to the top floor loudly and obnoxiously,screaming the entire way. They crashed through the top window of the castle to see a shadowed figure. “TRIXIE!” yelled Twilight as the trio readied their weapons. “No.” said a bland voice. “YOU!” yelled Deadpool. “Who?” asked Twilight. “My Greatest Enemy...KEVIN COSTNER!!!!!” screamed Deadpool. “Yes, It is I, Kevin Costner. I have Moved Trixie to an undisclosed location. She Paid me to do so. hahahahahaha.” said Kevin,dull as ever. But then Kevin Costner Got shot in the Head. “Who Shot Him?” asked Twilight. “I Did.” said a thick southern accent. The Group turned around to find Applejack with a S&W Model 9 in her hoof. “How did you get here,Applejack?” asked Pinkie. “I found this rock and it teleported me here with Dirty Harry’s Gun and I had a compulsion to shoot the worst actor in the room.” said Applejack. “Wait!” said Deadpool. “Lemme see that Rock.” said Deadpool. Applejack handed him the rock. “Dear Celestia,The Legends were true.” said Deadpool. “What do you mean? What Is It?” asked Twilight. “It is the mystical lost stone of Rhett Khan.” said Deadpool. “Oh, Yeah! I remember now.” said Twilight. “It’s the stone that grants the user power to place any group of ponies into any location, Undisclosed or otherwise.” continued Twilight. “Do you think it could work on Me?” asked Deadpool. “It’s Worth a Shot.” said Applejack. “OK Mystical Stone here’s the Deal. Take my self and the ponies that came with me to Canterlot to Where Trixie is.” announced Deadpool. The rock started to flash several colors. before emitting a large white aurora around Deadpool,the ponies in the room and the 3 pegasi that were accompanied by Deadpool. Having A BlastTrixie was busy plotting in the corner of the cargo plane of rubber dog dookie out of Hong Pong for the demise of Twilight Sparkle. “HA! If i combine the Alicorn Amulet with the Ark of the Covenant and pour some liquid Adamantium on the combination I should become an all-powerful pony goddess! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!” yelled Trixie. “Yeah... Not Gonna Happen.” said Twilight. “WHAT?!?!?! HOWDIDYOU?WHEREDIDYOU?HUH?” yelled Trixie. “I’d explain but then I’d have to Kill you.” said Pinkie. “Who are we Kidding? Soon you’ll be dead anyway.” said Deadpool. Trixie started to get a little worried. “Who’s the Red and Black guy with all the guns?” asked Trixie. “I Am the Master of Pop-Culture References, Movie Quotes and King of Fourth-Wall Jokes! I’ve been in this game for 22 Years.” said Deadpool. “What’s Your Name?” asked Trixie. “Buck YOU! That’s My Name!” Everyone pulled out their Guns and Ammunition and pointed it at Trixie. “Why are you about to shoot me?” asked Trixie. Deadpool handed Twilight a book of movie quotes. “Page 36.” whispered Deadpool. Twilight turned to page 36. “Ahem.” said Twilight as she pulled out a Sawed-Off Shotgun. “To answer your question,Trixie.” said Twilight as she loaded her gun. “I don’t like your jerk-off name, I don’t like your jerk-off face, I don’t like your jerk-off behavior and I don’t like you... jerk-off.” said Twilight as she pointed her gun. “Ready!” yelled Pinkie. “Aim!” yelled Twilight. “Fire!” yelled Deadpool. The posse pulled their triggers and shot the light blue unicorn. Blood filled the walls of the plane. “Alright, Let’s Clean.” said Deadpool as he pulled his Machine Gun Mops. “This should take up a majority of the chapter.” said Deadpool. “Only one thing to do.” said Pinkie. “I think I know Where you are going with this,Pinkie.” said Deadpool. “A Montage?” asked Deadpool. “Right.” said Pinkie as she put her copy of “Dookie” in the Cassette Deck. Cue "Mighty Wings"Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash, Derpy and Fluttershy were preparing for Take-Off. “You Know Derpy?” said Rainbow Dash. “What?” said Derpy. “You Can Be My Wingpony Any Time.” said Rainbow Dash. “No, You Can Be Mine.” said Derpy. All three Pegasi readied themselves on The Impromptu Runway outside Sweet Apple Acres. They flexed their wings, fully aware of the long flight to Canterlot that was ahead of them. Rainbow Dash went first going at a top speed of 587 M.P.H. Followed by Derpy with a top speed of 428 M.P.H. Finally Fluttershy took off with a top speed of 286 M.P.H. The Three Were Heading to Canterlot and Finally Landed at the Train Station. Derpy decided to order some Pizza. It was about 9 p.m. when they reached The Train station. Derpy's Wings Who?It was 10 p.m. in Canterlot when the train arrived at the station. Rainbow Dash and Derpy were both passed out on the bench. “Why are they Asleep?” demanded Deadpool. “They ordered an Extra Large Bacon and Hay Pizza.” said Fluttershy “Soooo....They are in a ‘Food Coma’.” said Pinkie. “Yes.” said Fluttershy. “Allow Me.” said Deadpool. He Took out his Walkman and His Megaphone, Primed his copy of “Dookie” on the Track “Coming Clean”, Put the speaker of the Walkman on the talking end of the Megaphone, Deadpool pulled the trigger on the Megaphone, and pressed play on the walkman. “SEVENTEEN AND STRUNG OUT ON CONFUSION!” came out of the Megaphone. The Sounds of Green Day Immediately woke up Rainbow Dash and Derpy. “AAAAHHH!!! I’M AWAKE I’M AWAKE!!!” screamed Rainbow Dash. “I DON’T WANT TO BE IN THE LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND!!!” screamed Derpy. “Alright, you two!” yelled Deadpool. “You ,Fluttershy and Derpy are gonna take some Grenades to keep on hand while you fly around the castle keeping an eye for people attempting to kill Me, Twilight, and Pinkie.” said Deadpool. ”If things go wrong, it’s your job to get the Backup.” said Pinkie “If Things go REALLY Wrong, throw the Grenades.” said Deadpool. “Lock and Load!” said Twilight. Scenes From an Equestrian CafeIt was a slow day for Joe's Donut Shop. For the entire day,all of 6 people came in. Pinkie Pie and Deadpool were sitting in a booth next to the door. They were in the middle of a conversation about breakfast items. "So,as I approached this guy I was supposed to kill at a breakfast buffet,I had to shove the Oatmeal in his face to keep him from screaming!" said Deadpool with a slight outburst of laughter, to which Pinkie replied "Oatmeal,Are you Crazy?" "Well, tell me some other breakfast item that can muffle sound." Said Deadpool. "Point taken." Said Pinkie. Joe was getting impatient. "ARE YOU TWO GONNA BUY SOMETHING OR WHAT?" To which Deadpool replied, "I'll take the Baked Potato Muffin with extra Sauerkraut" "and I'll just have a Diet Water” said Pinkie. “Alright, we need to find a way to get 100,000 bits within 1,039 Hours” said Deadpool, “But why in that specific time period?” said Pinkie. “Because the writer has a thing for Green Day.” said Deadpool. “Makes Sense to me.” says Pinkie. “WAIT!” says Deadpool. “I just got the most brilliant Idea!” “WHAT IS IT! WHAT IS IT! WHAT IS IT!” screams Pinkie. “I can’t tell you here. You will have to meet me at this location.” Says Deadpool as he scribbles an address on a napkin and slides it to pinkie. The napkin read “4580 Warning Blvd. Ask for Cass Ette” Deadpool dropped 18 bits on the table and walked out Joe’s Donut Shop. “Is he usually this crazy?” asks Joe. “This is just one of his calmer days.” Replies Pinkie. ¡Viva La Dashie!It was a long train ride to Ponyville. But, Deadpool had no Idea who Gilda was or Where she even lived. So it only made sense to visit the pony closest to Gilda for a long time who happened to be the lead singer of “The Insomniac Nimrods”, Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash was tied up in a musty old shed on Sweet Apple Acres as part of her Rehab. Deadpool started to ask some questions to Rainbow. “What Can You Tell me about Gilda?” said Deadpool. “She is a Griffin, She is one of the few creatures that can compete with me and have a chance of winning.” “What are her favorite movies?” asked Deadpool. “She likes Mafia films.” “Thanks”’ said Deadpool. “Oh, before I go, one Last Question.” “Shoot” said Rainbow Dash. “Are Rainbows REALLY made out of Mutilated Ponies?” Rainbow Dash, In a shocked stupor replied with, “NO! They are made out of Skittles, Red Hot Chili Peppers,and at least 5,000,000 tons of Meth!” Deadpool looked Shocked and yet Relieved. “OK then, I’m just Gonna Leave Now.” “OK, See you when I get out of Rehab.” Said Rainbow. Deadpool left Sweet Apple Acres and went to see Twilight Sparkle. Author's Note The "Mutatlited Ponies" bit was a Reference to "Rainbow Factory" Egghead Rotten Breath“So Let me get this straight.” Said Twilight. “You and Pinkie Pie have been hired by Princess Luna to Take out Two of the most hated characters in all of Equestria?” “So we can pay our debt to the Equestrian Mafia.” said Deadpool “Soooo... Where do I come In?” said Twilight. “We need the spell that lets us walk on clouds.” said Deadpool. “We would ask that you give us wings, but seeing how well that turned out last time,Well...” “I get your point Pinkie” said Twilight. “Soooo... How ‘bout it then?” said Deadpool. Twilight thought for a second about it. “Who do you Have to Kill?” said Twilight. “Gilda and Trixie.” said Pinkie. Twilight started to get an insane look in her eyes. “Hold Still” said Twilight. A glow started to emanate from her horn,Followed by a massive light purple beam of light aimed directly at the two. “Did it Work?” asked Twilight. “Well if the Newspaper reports about a Pink Pony and a genuine Badass falling from the clouds You’ll Know.” said Deadpool. Pinkie and Deadpool walked out of the Library and moved towards a oversized bush. “Gee, could this hiding place be more incompicius?” said Deadpool. Pinkie Pie uncovered the bush to reveal of a Pedal Powered Helicopter. They Turned their heads to each other and gave an agreement nod. They got on the Helicopter and pedaled with the speed of over 78 RPM. Before they knew it they were 28 feet above Cloudsdale. Confessions Part 4Deadpool and Pinkie Pie turned in the corpses to Luna. “You two have done well.” said Luna as she kicked the Duffle bag of Bits towards them. “Is there anything else I can do for you two?” asked Luna. “Do You think that you could convince Princess Celestia to hire ‘The Insomniac Nimrods’ for the Grand Galloping Gala?” asked Deadpool. “I shall see what I can do.” said Luna. Celestia was just getting through with her daily Paperwork. “Sister.” said Luna. “Yes.” said Celestia. “I have something terrible to confess.” said Luna. "I already know.” said Celestia. “Then, do you plan on...” said Luna “No. This ‘Man’ you call Deadpool, He seems to be an efficient killer. I could use him for my tasks that I don’t feel safe letting my best student taking care of.” said Celestia. “But,Sister. It seems Twilight could take care of nearly any threat that comes over Equestria, for lack of a better term, she IS the chosen one.” said Luna. “I am aware of that,Sister. Twilight has a fate bigger than all of us. Which is why I don’t want to risk her losing her life doing my dirty work. I may have my lapses of Logic, but i’m not that incompetent.” said Celestia. “So, that’s why you need me.” said Deadpool standing in front of the door. “How did you get past Security?” asked Luna. “Let’s Just say I have connections.” said Deadpool. “Now, If you want my services you’ll have to agree with my terms.” said Deadpool. “And what are your terms?” asked Celestia. “First, you have to allow me to operate out of Ponyville.” said Deadpool. “Agreed.” said Celestia. “Second, I intend to get paid Monthly.” said Deadpool. “Of Course.” said Celestia. “and Third, You have to allow the band I formed with Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash to be the Musical guests at the Grand Galloping Gala.” said Deadpool. “Done.” said Celestia. “Well, alrighty then, You have my address.” said Deadpool as he walked out the building. “Sister, are you sure this was the proper decision to take, given the circumstances?” asked Celestia. “I have seen this ‘Man’ in action, he is clearly the ‘Man’ we need for our Freelance Missions.” said Luna. Celestia reached for a Banana. “Call Octavia, Tell her she has been demoted to opening act.” said Celestia as she peeled her Banana. She then proceeded to eat the Banana.
Panhandling MiseryDowntown Canterlot is not a good place to be at night, Especially near Warning Boulevard. Pinkie Pie thought to herself,”Why would Deadpool want to discuss his plan for paying off the Mafia in this Scary place?” Soon she got to the address and she did in fact ask for Cass Ette. Soon, Pinkie entered a dung heap of an apartment. The wood paneling was exposed, there was an uncovered ratty mattress and at least 30 empty bottles of Dos Hayquis. Standing there was Deadpool who Immediately gave Pinkie a large and amorous hug. In the corner of the room was a cloaked alicorn. “Who is that?” said Pinkie pointing towards the cloaked figure. “That is the alicorn who is gonna solve our problems.” said Deadpool. “I am Princess Luna and I understand that you both are very versatile mercenaries.” said the cloaked figure. “We are the type of people that can do any job any price above 5,000 bits.” said Deadpool as Pinkie nodded agreeingly. “Good. What I want you two to do is to take out these people. The prices are listed next to the names If you can report back to me in 30 Days or less,You will get enough bits to cover your debt and enough to make yourselves a very comfortable lifestyle.” After that sentence, Luna was gone in a puff of smoke. The Hit List was as follows: 1.Gilda the Griffon--78,000 Bits 2.The Great and Powerful Trixie--100,569 Bits “This seems to be a list of the most Hated beings in Equestria.” said Pinkie. “That explains the hefty paychecks.” replied Deadpool. “Well. Best Get Started but how are we gonna find these two people?” asked Pinkie. “Simple, You still got that Candy Helicopter?” said Deadpool. “Yes.” said Pinkie. “Then we best Get back to the hotel room, for the night is growing dim and we need our strength and some Magic spells perhaps.” said Deadpool.
Kerplunk!Finding no feasible place to land Deadpool and Pinkie had no choice but to skydive into Cloudsdale. The total length of skydive was about 30 Seconds. “Well,That was Short and Anticlimactic.” said Deadpool. “Tell me About it.” said Pinkie. Deadpool,Looking for a place to relax after jumping off a pedal copter, decides to see “The Long Hearth’s Warming Eve” again. He and Pinkie walked into the theater,coincidentally one row below Gilda. “That’s Gilda.” whispered Pinkie. “I've Got My Silencer ready.” Whispered Deadpool. They waited till the massive explosion during the climax until Deadpool finally pulled the trigger. The Bullet went right through her head and through the screen. Her Head landed in her popcorn with a Large “Kerplunk!”. They Snuck out of the theater with the corpse stuffed in Deadpool’s Duffel Bag in order to drop off the bag to the spot Luna requested. They Had to stop in Canterlot on the way to the Crystal Empire Archives to relax and recuperate.
Hitchin' A RidePinkie knew that any current location of anypony would be placed in the Crystal Empire archives, but she didn’t want to ride the train again. “Deadpool, Can I ask you something?” asked Pinkie. “Sure.” said Deadpool. “Can I throw all logic out the window?” Asked Pinkie. “FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA,YES!!!!” screamed Deadpool. “Alrighty Then, I shall now pull a car out of the ground.” said Pinkie. She proceeded to pull a 1982 DeLorean out of the top of the Movie Theater. They Both got in the car as Deadpool took the driver’s seat. “Why can’t I Drive?!” yelled Pinkie. “Do You have opposable thumbs?” asked Deadpool. Pinkie just sunk into her seat and put on the pair of sunglasses on the dashboard, as did Deadpool. Deadpool slammed on the gas and drove off the building. “Wait A Minute.” said Pinkie. “Twilight didn’t Enchant the DeLorean.” “Oh Crap.” said Deadpool. As the DeLorean fell through the Ground, they were suddenly lifted from certain death by two surprising figures,Fluttershy and Derpy Hooves. “Fluttershy?, What Are You Doing?” yelled Pinkie. “I’m Saving You from Certain Death!, if that’s ok with you.” replied Fluttershy. “What’s Derpy doing Here then?” yelled Deadpool. “I may not be very smart, but i have a large amount of Love coming from and towards me.” replied Derpy. “So the large amount of love makes you a powerful being.” said Pinkie. “Exactly.” said Derpy. “Any Where we can drop you off?” said Derpy. “The Crystal Empire.” said Deadpool.
Wade and Pinkamena Do The ArchivesDerpy and Fluttershy positioned the DeLorean over the Crystal empire Archives. But then, in a fit of poor judgement, Deadpool opened up a Banana Nut Muffin. The DeLorean was Positioned over the Archives which happened to be in the Castle when the scent of the Muffin reached Derpy and immediately moved towards the muffin, letting go of the DeLorean in the process. “CAN’T. HOLD. ON. MUCH. LONGER!” said Fluttershy as the DeLorean slipped through her hooves. The DeLorean Descended at high speeds towards the castle where the archives are located. “Pinkie, if we crash and burn horribly i have something to confess.” “What?” said Pinkie “I...I...I’ve always loved Twilight.” “That’s so Sweet.” said Pinkie. “I Have something to confess as well.” said Pinkie. “I read your Daring Do fanfiction, Deadpool. and I Loved It!” said Pinkie “Thank You.” Said Deadpool. The DeLorean crashed through the Roof of the Royal Bedroom where Shining Armor and Cadance were sleeping. The DeLorean crashed through the roof of the castle with a massive CRRRRAAAASSSSHHHHH!!!!!!! “What in the Name of Celestia is Going on Here?!” yelled Shining Armor. “Oh, Calm Down honey, It’s Just Pinkie Pie.” said Cadance. Pinkie Rolled down her Window. “Hi Cadence!, Hi Shining Armor!” yelled Pinkie. “What are you two Doing in the Royal bedroom with a car?” said Cadance. “Long Story.” said Deadpool. “Mind if we check out the Archives?” said Deadpool. “Sure, Down the main staircase and Take a left, First door on the Right.” said Shining Armor “Thanks.” said Pinkie Pie. The DeLorean drove through the Double-Doors. “Are you Sure that they should Be Driving that car through the Castle?” said Cadance. “They should be fine.” said Shining Armor. The DeLorean drove through the Doors of the Archives at a speed of 73 miles per hour. So Fast it blew the doors right off the hinges and threw the window 30 feet across the room. along with several files. Coincidentally, the file for “The Great and Powerful Trixie” happened to land on the Windshield. “Well, We Know Where the file is Now.” said Deadpool as he grabbed the file. “Where is She?” asked Pinkie. “Dear Sweet Celestia, She is Currently Living on the top floor of the Royal Castle.” said Deadpool.
Going To Canterlot“It’s 106 Miles to Canterlot, We’ve got a full tank of Gas, ‘Dookie’ on Cassette, it’s Dark, and We’re wearing sunglasses.” said Deadpool. “Hit It.” said Pinkie. Deadpool started the Car, placed the cassette in the player,slammed the gas, and Drove right into the snow covered tundra and straight on the train tracks. They knew in order to kill Trixie,they had to gather their forces. They Stopped in Ponyville to get the other ponies on board for this insane job. The First stop was at Twilight Sparkle’s House. Deadpool entered the house. Twilight was in a corner loading her satchel. “Twilight, It’s Time.” said Deadpool. Twilight turned around with the satchel on her side. “You don’t know how long I have been waiting for you to say that.” “Well Then, Meet me at Sugarcube Corner in 10 Minutes.” Pinkie went to Sweet Apple Acres to recruit Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Pinkie Walked towards Applejack. “We need to get you and Rainbow Dash to Sugarcube Corner in 10 Minutes. Deadpool will explain when you two get there.” said Pinkie. “You Know, Rainbow Dash has actually made great progress with the Rehab, I was actually planning on letting her graduate from Rehab today Despite Being at step 294.” said Applejack. “Let her go.” said Pinkie. “Alright, I will.” said Applejack. “Good.” said Deadpool. “Just one Question.” said Applejack. “How Did You Get Here?” asked Applejack. “Don’t Question my Awesomeness.” Deadpool and Pinkie got in the DeLorean and Drove to Carousel Boutique. Fluttershy and Rarity were having some homemade tea. Deadpool slipped a note under the door. Rarity picked up the note. “How odd.” said Rarity. “What does it say?” Asked Fluttershy. “It says ‘Sugarcube Corner. 10 Minutes. Bring Fluttershy’ and it’s signed by Deadpool and Pinkie Pie.” said Rarity. Everypony Showed up to Sugarcube Corner wondering what the request was about. Deadpool brought out a Soapbox and a Megaphone. “Ponies, Filles, Fans of ‘Top Gun’ lend me Your Ears!” said Deadpool. “For many months I have lived among you as ‘That Ninja Spider-Man that hangs out with Pinkie Pie’ but Today Me and Pinkie are going to plan an assault of Trixie.” Everypony Cheered. “Myself and Deadpool have decided to go full military planning mode to get Trixie out of the Way. We have Brought you here to Join our cause. Now Who’s With Us?!” said Pinkie. “I Am!” said Twilight. “I am Too” Said Rainbow Dash. "So Am I!” said Applejack. “Yes.” said Fluttershy. “I Will also!” said Rarity “AYE!” yelled Everypony else. “Great!” yelled Deadpool. “Now, Everypony will have a Job to do in this operation. Rainbow Dash, Derpy, and Fluttershy, You will be responsible for recon around the castle." “Can Do!” yelled Rainbow Dash. “Rarity, you Will design the Armor, make something Durable,but classy.” Said Pinkie Pie. “You’ll get my best hoof Forward!” said Rarity. “Twilight, you will have Two jobs on this operation. First you will plan an entrance route into the Royal Castle and you will be with me and Pinkie when we Take out Trixie.” said Deadpool. “I shall read all the Tom Clancy novels in the Library to Prepare myself after i finish Planning the Route.” said Twilight. “Everypony Else, Will be Responsible for Backup.” said Pinkie. “We Strike at Midnight Tomorrow, But we Leave for Canterlot Tonight!” yelled Deadpool. The Ponies got their collections of bullets, ammunition, blunt instruments, and entrance music ready. The train was prepared for the long journey to Canterlot. There was at least 3 cargo trailers, 2 Sleeping cars,a platform for the DeLorean and a Spa. The Weapons were loaded, the battalion ready and Deadpool was already in the Spa getting his back Massaged, as was Pinkie and Twilight. “Soooo, When should we be in Canterlot?” asked Twilight. “By the Next Chapter,Duh.” said Deadpool.
Mission:Unlikely Mission:Unlikely The sneaking in of the Castle was about to begin. “I Suggest that we go in Subtly and Discreetly.” said Twilight. “Good Thing I Brought my Harpoon Gun.” said Pinkie as she shot it. “Why Do You Have a Harpoon Gun, Pinkie?” asked Twilight. “If you Need to ask, you will never know.” said Pinkie. The harpoon had reached the top window of the castle where Trixie was last seen, 30 Feet Up. “Alright.” said Deadpool. “Let’s Boogie.” The trio grabbed onto the rope and scaled the tower up until the 15 Feet Mark. “I Just thought of Something.” said Deadpool. “Doesn't That Harpoon gun come with a ‘Retract’ Setting, Pinkie?” “You Know?, I Never thought of that.” said Pinkie. Pinkie then proceeded to locate the “Retract” button on the Harpoon Gun and pressed it. The trio rocketed off as the gun pulled them to the top floor loudly and obnoxiously,screaming the entire way. They crashed through the top window of the castle to see a shadowed figure. “TRIXIE!” yelled Twilight as the trio readied their weapons. “No.” said a bland voice. “YOU!” yelled Deadpool. “Who?” asked Twilight. “My Greatest Enemy...KEVIN COSTNER!!!!!” screamed Deadpool. “Yes, It is I, Kevin Costner. I have Moved Trixie to an undisclosed location. She Paid me to do so. hahahahahaha.” said Kevin,dull as ever. But then Kevin Costner Got shot in the Head. “Who Shot Him?” asked Twilight. “I Did.” said a thick southern accent. The Group turned around to find Applejack with a S&W Model 9 in her hoof. “How did you get here,Applejack?” asked Pinkie. “I found this rock and it teleported me here with Dirty Harry’s Gun and I had a compulsion to shoot the worst actor in the room.” said Applejack. “Wait!” said Deadpool. “Lemme see that Rock.” said Deadpool. Applejack handed him the rock. “Dear Celestia,The Legends were true.” said Deadpool. “What do you mean? What Is It?” asked Twilight. “It is the mystical lost stone of Rhett Khan.” said Deadpool. “Oh, Yeah! I remember now.” said Twilight. “It’s the stone that grants the user power to place any group of ponies into any location, Undisclosed or otherwise.” continued Twilight. “Do you think it could work on Me?” asked Deadpool. “It’s Worth a Shot.” said Applejack. “OK Mystical Stone here’s the Deal. Take my self and the ponies that came with me to Canterlot to Where Trixie is.” announced Deadpool. The rock started to flash several colors. before emitting a large white aurora around Deadpool,the ponies in the room and the 3 pegasi that were accompanied by Deadpool.
Having A BlastTrixie was busy plotting in the corner of the cargo plane of rubber dog dookie out of Hong Pong for the demise of Twilight Sparkle. “HA! If i combine the Alicorn Amulet with the Ark of the Covenant and pour some liquid Adamantium on the combination I should become an all-powerful pony goddess! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!” yelled Trixie. “Yeah... Not Gonna Happen.” said Twilight. “WHAT?!?!?! HOWDIDYOU?WHEREDIDYOU?HUH?” yelled Trixie. “I’d explain but then I’d have to Kill you.” said Pinkie. “Who are we Kidding? Soon you’ll be dead anyway.” said Deadpool. Trixie started to get a little worried. “Who’s the Red and Black guy with all the guns?” asked Trixie. “I Am the Master of Pop-Culture References, Movie Quotes and King of Fourth-Wall Jokes! I’ve been in this game for 22 Years.” said Deadpool. “What’s Your Name?” asked Trixie. “Buck YOU! That’s My Name!” Everyone pulled out their Guns and Ammunition and pointed it at Trixie. “Why are you about to shoot me?” asked Trixie. Deadpool handed Twilight a book of movie quotes. “Page 36.” whispered Deadpool. Twilight turned to page 36. “Ahem.” said Twilight as she pulled out a Sawed-Off Shotgun. “To answer your question,Trixie.” said Twilight as she loaded her gun. “I don’t like your jerk-off name, I don’t like your jerk-off face, I don’t like your jerk-off behavior and I don’t like you... jerk-off.” said Twilight as she pointed her gun. “Ready!” yelled Pinkie. “Aim!” yelled Twilight. “Fire!” yelled Deadpool. The posse pulled their triggers and shot the light blue unicorn. Blood filled the walls of the plane. “Alright, Let’s Clean.” said Deadpool as he pulled his Machine Gun Mops. “This should take up a majority of the chapter.” said Deadpool. “Only one thing to do.” said Pinkie. “I think I know Where you are going with this,Pinkie.” said Deadpool. “A Montage?” asked Deadpool. “Right.” said Pinkie as she put her copy of “Dookie” in the Cassette Deck.
Cue "Mighty Wings"Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash, Derpy and Fluttershy were preparing for Take-Off. “You Know Derpy?” said Rainbow Dash. “What?” said Derpy. “You Can Be My Wingpony Any Time.” said Rainbow Dash. “No, You Can Be Mine.” said Derpy. All three Pegasi readied themselves on The Impromptu Runway outside Sweet Apple Acres. They flexed their wings, fully aware of the long flight to Canterlot that was ahead of them. Rainbow Dash went first going at a top speed of 587 M.P.H. Followed by Derpy with a top speed of 428 M.P.H. Finally Fluttershy took off with a top speed of 286 M.P.H. The Three Were Heading to Canterlot and Finally Landed at the Train Station. Derpy decided to order some Pizza. It was about 9 p.m. when they reached The Train station.
Derpy's Wings Who?It was 10 p.m. in Canterlot when the train arrived at the station. Rainbow Dash and Derpy were both passed out on the bench. “Why are they Asleep?” demanded Deadpool. “They ordered an Extra Large Bacon and Hay Pizza.” said Fluttershy “Soooo....They are in a ‘Food Coma’.” said Pinkie. “Yes.” said Fluttershy. “Allow Me.” said Deadpool. He Took out his Walkman and His Megaphone, Primed his copy of “Dookie” on the Track “Coming Clean”, Put the speaker of the Walkman on the talking end of the Megaphone, Deadpool pulled the trigger on the Megaphone, and pressed play on the walkman. “SEVENTEEN AND STRUNG OUT ON CONFUSION!” came out of the Megaphone. The Sounds of Green Day Immediately woke up Rainbow Dash and Derpy. “AAAAHHH!!! I’M AWAKE I’M AWAKE!!!” screamed Rainbow Dash. “I DON’T WANT TO BE IN THE LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND!!!” screamed Derpy. “Alright, you two!” yelled Deadpool. “You ,Fluttershy and Derpy are gonna take some Grenades to keep on hand while you fly around the castle keeping an eye for people attempting to kill Me, Twilight, and Pinkie.” said Deadpool. ”If things go wrong, it’s your job to get the Backup.” said Pinkie “If Things go REALLY Wrong, throw the Grenades.” said Deadpool. “Lock and Load!” said Twilight.
Scenes From an Equestrian CafeIt was a slow day for Joe's Donut Shop. For the entire day,all of 6 people came in. Pinkie Pie and Deadpool were sitting in a booth next to the door. They were in the middle of a conversation about breakfast items. "So,as I approached this guy I was supposed to kill at a breakfast buffet,I had to shove the Oatmeal in his face to keep him from screaming!" said Deadpool with a slight outburst of laughter, to which Pinkie replied "Oatmeal,Are you Crazy?" "Well, tell me some other breakfast item that can muffle sound." Said Deadpool. "Point taken." Said Pinkie. Joe was getting impatient. "ARE YOU TWO GONNA BUY SOMETHING OR WHAT?" To which Deadpool replied, "I'll take the Baked Potato Muffin with extra Sauerkraut" "and I'll just have a Diet Water” said Pinkie. “Alright, we need to find a way to get 100,000 bits within 1,039 Hours” said Deadpool, “But why in that specific time period?” said Pinkie. “Because the writer has a thing for Green Day.” said Deadpool. “Makes Sense to me.” says Pinkie. “WAIT!” says Deadpool. “I just got the most brilliant Idea!” “WHAT IS IT! WHAT IS IT! WHAT IS IT!” screams Pinkie. “I can’t tell you here. You will have to meet me at this location.” Says Deadpool as he scribbles an address on a napkin and slides it to pinkie. The napkin read “4580 Warning Blvd. Ask for Cass Ette” Deadpool dropped 18 bits on the table and walked out Joe’s Donut Shop. “Is he usually this crazy?” asks Joe. “This is just one of his calmer days.” Replies Pinkie.
¡Viva La Dashie!It was a long train ride to Ponyville. But, Deadpool had no Idea who Gilda was or Where she even lived. So it only made sense to visit the pony closest to Gilda for a long time who happened to be the lead singer of “The Insomniac Nimrods”, Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash was tied up in a musty old shed on Sweet Apple Acres as part of her Rehab. Deadpool started to ask some questions to Rainbow. “What Can You Tell me about Gilda?” said Deadpool. “She is a Griffin, She is one of the few creatures that can compete with me and have a chance of winning.” “What are her favorite movies?” asked Deadpool. “She likes Mafia films.” “Thanks”’ said Deadpool. “Oh, before I go, one Last Question.” “Shoot” said Rainbow Dash. “Are Rainbows REALLY made out of Mutilated Ponies?” Rainbow Dash, In a shocked stupor replied with, “NO! They are made out of Skittles, Red Hot Chili Peppers,and at least 5,000,000 tons of Meth!” Deadpool looked Shocked and yet Relieved. “OK then, I’m just Gonna Leave Now.” “OK, See you when I get out of Rehab.” Said Rainbow. Deadpool left Sweet Apple Acres and went to see Twilight Sparkle. Author's Note The "Mutatlited Ponies" bit was a Reference to "Rainbow Factory"
Egghead Rotten Breath“So Let me get this straight.” Said Twilight. “You and Pinkie Pie have been hired by Princess Luna to Take out Two of the most hated characters in all of Equestria?” “So we can pay our debt to the Equestrian Mafia.” said Deadpool “Soooo... Where do I come In?” said Twilight. “We need the spell that lets us walk on clouds.” said Deadpool. “We would ask that you give us wings, but seeing how well that turned out last time,Well...” “I get your point Pinkie” said Twilight. “Soooo... How ‘bout it then?” said Deadpool. Twilight thought for a second about it. “Who do you Have to Kill?” said Twilight. “Gilda and Trixie.” said Pinkie. Twilight started to get an insane look in her eyes. “Hold Still” said Twilight. A glow started to emanate from her horn,Followed by a massive light purple beam of light aimed directly at the two. “Did it Work?” asked Twilight. “Well if the Newspaper reports about a Pink Pony and a genuine Badass falling from the clouds You’ll Know.” said Deadpool. Pinkie and Deadpool walked out of the Library and moved towards a oversized bush. “Gee, could this hiding place be more incompicius?” said Deadpool. Pinkie Pie uncovered the bush to reveal of a Pedal Powered Helicopter. They Turned their heads to each other and gave an agreement nod. They got on the Helicopter and pedaled with the speed of over 78 RPM. Before they knew it they were 28 feet above Cloudsdale.
Confessions Part 4Deadpool and Pinkie Pie turned in the corpses to Luna. “You two have done well.” said Luna as she kicked the Duffle bag of Bits towards them. “Is there anything else I can do for you two?” asked Luna. “Do You think that you could convince Princess Celestia to hire ‘The Insomniac Nimrods’ for the Grand Galloping Gala?” asked Deadpool. “I shall see what I can do.” said Luna. Celestia was just getting through with her daily Paperwork. “Sister.” said Luna. “Yes.” said Celestia. “I have something terrible to confess.” said Luna. "I already know.” said Celestia. “Then, do you plan on...” said Luna “No. This ‘Man’ you call Deadpool, He seems to be an efficient killer. I could use him for my tasks that I don’t feel safe letting my best student taking care of.” said Celestia. “But,Sister. It seems Twilight could take care of nearly any threat that comes over Equestria, for lack of a better term, she IS the chosen one.” said Luna. “I am aware of that,Sister. Twilight has a fate bigger than all of us. Which is why I don’t want to risk her losing her life doing my dirty work. I may have my lapses of Logic, but i’m not that incompetent.” said Celestia. “So, that’s why you need me.” said Deadpool standing in front of the door. “How did you get past Security?” asked Luna. “Let’s Just say I have connections.” said Deadpool. “Now, If you want my services you’ll have to agree with my terms.” said Deadpool. “And what are your terms?” asked Celestia. “First, you have to allow me to operate out of Ponyville.” said Deadpool. “Agreed.” said Celestia. “Second, I intend to get paid Monthly.” said Deadpool. “Of Course.” said Celestia. “and Third, You have to allow the band I formed with Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash to be the Musical guests at the Grand Galloping Gala.” said Deadpool. “Done.” said Celestia. “Well, alrighty then, You have my address.” said Deadpool as he walked out the building. “Sister, are you sure this was the proper decision to take, given the circumstances?” asked Celestia. “I have seen this ‘Man’ in action, he is clearly the ‘Man’ we need for our Freelance Missions.” said Luna. Celestia reached for a Banana. “Call Octavia, Tell her she has been demoted to opening act.” said Celestia as she peeled her Banana. She then proceeded to eat the Banana.
