Hello Internet! Angel here, with a brand new story for you all. Now, this story is a simple one, but it’s a story you all need to hear. Especially if you have written/are currently writing/are considering writing a Human in Equestria story. This tale begins with a famous You Tuber named… What was his name?
Was it PewDiePie? No…
Was it The Living Tombstone? No, that’s not right…
Well, it isn’t important at this stage. Anyway, this kid’s real name is Barry, and he is just about to put the finishing touches to his ages old dream…
His dream is… to travel to Equestria.
Big shock, I know. But I, my fellow brony, have a rather interesting surprise in store for poor ol’ Barry. Something that will have him wishing that he would stop watching DAMN PONIES and be a NORMAL person had never travelled to Equestria in the first place. So stick around, my little reader, and let me spin you a tale that will be remembered for generations! So sit back down in that there chair, grab your nearest bag of Doritos and bottle of Mountain Dew, and glue your eyeballs to your monitors, cause this is one work of literature you will not regret reading.
Anywho, our story begins with Barry, currently living in his Father’s basement. He has spent ages working on a machine that will fling him through the far reaches of space and time, to a magical land known only as Equestria. His little project has attracted the attention of bronies far and wide, and in response, he thought it would be a good idea to broadcast his final moments before venturing into the well known and documented.
*****
“What the bloody hell are you doing son!?” A father called out to his child from another room.
“NOTHING, dad! Just go back to smoking, or drinking, or whatever it is you do on a Tuesday morning!” His son replied.
“You better not be being fuckin’ weird again!” He shouted. The son just rolled his eyes, ignoring his irritable father.
Helloooooo YouTube! Barry here! Sorry about my father, he’s just drunk.” He admitted, terribly ashamed of his dad.
“Anyway… What is going on everypony?!” He shouted, a little too excitedly, all things considered.
‘Today, I got’s me a little something to show you all!” He stepped out of the way of the camera, revealing a large, round, metallic machine-like sort of device.
“Check it out, it’s a teleport portal! It’s gonna take me to Equestria.” He smiled a sadistic smile, like that one time Pinkie Pie made cupcakes and then smiled a sadistic smile. “Let me just add the finishing touches..”
He casually strolled over to the strange machine, and tinkered with it for a few minutes. Changing setting, adding wires, etc. The whole time, bronies from everywhere were congregating on the live stream to witness this epic moment.
‘Maybe someone has left a comment for me to ponder…” He thought narcissistically. He strolled over to his laptop. It was covered with various pony stickers and other paraphernalia. He opened the YouTube window and glanced at the comments. Only one person had bothered to leave their thoughts in the comments box.
“Go back to Horseland, Ponyfucker!” It read.
He shook his head. Trivial matters like this won’t matter once he showed them just how awesome ponies could be. He walked over to a nearby power point and flicked a switch. The machine started whirring, and a ring of white appeared in its center. He stared at it with childlike wonder, ignoring the amount of comments appearing on his live stream. He cautiously approached his (unholy) creation, trying to peer past the white ring. He couldn’t see the other side, he noted.
“It’s finally happening… finally! After all this time, it’s FINALLY HAPPENING!” He started trembling with excitement.
“A-alright, everypony…” He said with an unsteady voice. “This is it… The time for us to visit Equestria is at hand.” He paused. “Oh yeah! If anyone else wants to use the portal, my address is in the description. Just tell my dad I sent you; he’ll probably understand…” he said somewhat absent-mindedly. He took a step forward, but quickly turned around and checked the comments once more. People from all over the world were flooding the comments box. Everyone suddenly had an opinion, and they were desperate to share it with the world.
Barry beamed with pride. His fellow bronies from all over the world were finally starting to notice him, and respect him. He cast a glance at the portal one last time, before planting his hands on the desk, eyeing the camera.
“Alright, fillies and gentlecolts, this is it! Thanks for your unwavering loyalty, everyone- I mean, everypony!” he chuckled awkwardly.
He turned around, and started taking steps towards the mysterious white ring. He stopped, reflecting on his accomplishment for a moment. When he was done being weird, he took off running, and boldly leaped into the portal, leaving his human life behind.
Colours went flying past his face, but he didn’t notice. He didn’t feel a thing in fact.
Barry the YouTuber was careening down a tube made seemingly out of pure energy at god-knows how fast. He looked around with amazement, taking in the sights and sounds and feels. Or lack of feels, it seemed. He couldn’t see his own body, even though he was floating. He also didn’t feel his body twisting and contorting and melting into all kinds of shapes. He wanted to speak, to shout out to the universe just how successful he became. But he couldn’t, and in the end, he didn’t care.
Suddenly, a bright light appeared at the end of the tunnel. He peered at it, trying to see the other side again. Before he could, he penetrated the light, reaching the other side.
*****
The Mane Six were gathered around a table, idly discussing life while sharing morning tea, just like every episode ever. What they were talking about was a different story, though.
“But Twilight, teleportation magic is dangerous as it is!” Rarity protested.
“Yeah, and where would you teleport to anyway?” rainbow added.
“I don’t know where I’ll end up, but I have to try!” Twilight said adamantly. “Besides, the experiment is almost ready, so it would be a waste not to.”
The others were about to think long and hard about her response, when a bright flash of light caught their attention, A ring of pure white light appeared only meters away from them, bolts of electricity surrounding it. They got up out of their seats, and steadily began approaching it.
All of a sudden, a bag of pinkish flesh slid out of it, making a gruesome ‘shlick’ as it did. They eyed it curiously, slowly forming a ring around it. Twilight was the first to travel halfway around it, and as such, was the first to notice the hideously disfigured head attached to it.
She jumped a step back, shielding her face with a hoof as she did. The others quickly joined her, only to notice the same strange sight as she did. Fluttershy almost threw up at the sight, and Rarity almost fainted.
“What… is that!?” Twilight finally eventually spoke up.
“Whatever it is… it’s really gross…” Rainbow replied.
They calmed themselves down, and eventually returned to looking at the fleshy meat pile.
“What should we do with it?” Pinkie said curiously.
Twilight was about to suggest telling Celestia about it, as she would, when a gasp of air escaped the flesh pile’s air hole.
They all leaned in, hoping to learn something from the inter-dimensional intruder. It wheezed one more time, the words “Kill… meeee…” just barely escaping from its mouth.
“What did it say?” Rainbow whispered.
“I have no idea…” Twilight said, the others only shaking their heads in confusion.
“Maybe we should take it back to where it came from.” Fluttershy suggested, hinting at the portal. They gathered round it, afraid to put their hooves on it, but also curious regarding with the hell it is. Before they did plant any hooves in it, the portal shuddered, and collapsed on itself. A rush of wind signified its departure, leaving the ponies to their curiosity.
“What do we do now…” Twilight said to nobody in particular. They all looked at each other, until Pinkie stuck her hoof in one of its holes vaguely resembling a pocket. She pulled out an oddly shaped device.
“What’s that!?” They asked Pinkie in unison.
“It’s a Gameboy!” She said in her natural tone of voice.
“It’s one of those new Gameboy Advances, isn’t it?” Twilight said.
“Yep!”
They stared at Pinkie dumbly, as she expertly popped the game out with one deft movement.
“Anypony wanna play Final Fantasy Six?” She asked loudly. They just shrugged, and returned to their seats, as Pinkie became entranced with her new toy. And nobody spoke of Barry the Flesh Bag again. Even though they didn’t know his name. Nor did they care. Life went on, MLP went on, and not one word of this incident was ever uttered again.
The point of this story is this: Don't send bloody humans to Equestria! They'll be right royally SCREWED if you do! So put that pen down, stop fantasizing about sending yourself to Equestria, and have a nice day!
