A Day in the Night
A My Little Pony Fiction
© 2013 by Walter Reimer
(MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro, Inc.)
As the late afternoon sun painted the pristine white marble and pale gray granite walls of Canterlot Castle with muted hues of orange and red, all was quiet in the private chambers housing the other half of the Diarchy.
Well, reasonably quiet, considering that the personage within had to breathe, and the soft ticking of an alarm clock.
Alarm clocks had been yet another wonder Luna had confronted when she had been freed from Nightmare Moon. The very idea of a spring-driven piece of mechanism taking the place of a living pony to come wake her up for the night’s business – imagine it! She’d been fascinated by it and its workings, which caused a bit of amusement on the part of her sister after Luna had taken apart the first two she’d had to see how they worked, and hadn’t been able to reassemble them.
Luna had pouted as Celestia laughed, but it didn’t last long.
Despite her occasional social awkwardness her first couple of years after coming back from the Moon, Luna had revealed herself to be the Solar Princess’ opposite in a number of ways.
The first and greatest difference stirred beside her sleeping form.
The alarm clock’s second hand swept up to the twelve o’clock position and the device started to ring, the clapper slamming between the two bells on either side of it. A hoof reached out and groped about for the clock, missing several times before knocking it over. The clock continued to ring.
There was a soft grumble, and the horn projecting from under the covers was briefly limned in soft indigo light.
The clock seemed to pause before suddenly flying apart, its constituent pieces spreading themselves out over the bedside table as the mainspring unwound.
The blankets subsided briefly, then stirred again.
Perhaps surprisingly, an earth pony stallion with a dun coat and dirty-blonde mane and tail rose and sat up in bed, licking the taste out of his mouth for a moment as his forehooves rubbed sleep from his eyes. He reached over and gently patted the other sleeper’s flank. “Good morning, sleepyhead,” he said quietly. “Time to get up.”
“Mrrmph.”
The stallion rolled his eyes and switched from patting her flank to prodding it. “C’mon, Luna. You don’t want to be late. Ponies will talk.”
“Mrrmph. You raise the Moon tonight.”
The dun-coated stallion took the covers in his teeth and pulled them away, revealing the indigo coat of the Lunar Princess as she tried to stay asleep. He snuggled close to her, gently nibbling along her neck before kissing her ear. “Get up, Luna.”
“Mrrno.”
“Okay, then.” He stuck his tongue in her ear.
Luna yelped at the equine Wet Willy and twisted away from him. Her horn flared from reflex, and he felt a hide-prickling wave of magic envelop him and shove him off the bed. He landed on two hooves and skidded a bit across the marble floor. He was used to this, and managed to get all four hooves under him and come to a halt before she shoved him out the window and over the balcony railing.
Again.
“Good, you’re awake,” he said with a cheeky grin.
The Princess rubbed her ear with a hoof as she glared at him. “By my troth, Iron, you do forget yourself at times! If we are minded to sleep in – “
“But we are not entitled to such a privilege,” the stallion said, mimicking her archaic usage. “We must bathe and prepare for the night’s doings, fair Princess Luna, lest we arrive at the barracks for our meal smelling,” and here he sniffed quite blatantly, “as though we were, ah – “
“Ack!” Luna promptly blushed. Although her relationship was known to nearly every member of the Palace staff (there might have been a scullery maid who hadn’t heard yet), there was no sense in giving gossip too far of a lead.
Being in some ways more attuned to ponies’ baser natures than her older sister, Luna had cast about for an acceptable bedmate. Back before her exile, it would usually have been a high-ranking noble or a member of the Night Guard’s command staff. The modern nobility wasn’t exactly interesting enough, and Captain Nightshade and many other members of the Guard’s upper echelon were married.
She’d met their families, and was known to visit Nightshade’s family on Hearth’s Warming Day to watch as the foals opened their presents.
Iron Monger had caught her eye early on; the guardspony was a former blacksmith (as his crossed hammer and tongs cutie mark attested), he was always professional and he was almost as long in the leg as she was. She fancied that he must have gangled everywhere as a colt.
The best thing about him was that he didn’t take the fact he shared the Diarch’s bed very seriously (apart from keeping secret what went on behind closed doors), and he didn’t put on airs or try to use his position to get promoted. Luna liked that about him; a true down-to-earth earth pony.
Who now bowed to her, satisfied that she was awake and not going to go back to bed. Iron hiked up his tail, held his head high, and practically pranced off to the bathroom only to yelp just before the door closed when she stung him in the rump with a spark of magic. After a moment she heard water running as he started the bathtub.
Luna flung herself back onto the bed, then got up and went to the bathroom.
“Good morning, Luna,” Iron said, craning his neck to nuzzle her.
She forestalled him with an upraised wing. “Brush your teeth first. Your morning breath isn’t exactly roses and violets.”
“Yeah, I know.” He started brushing his teeth as the alicorn got into the bath, selected a bottle of floral-scented soap and a brush with her magic, and started scrubbing herself. “Hey! I’m supposed to get the tub first.”
“That’s for sticking your tongue in my ear,” and she stuck her tongue out at him before chuckling. “You get to smell all dainty tonight.” Now it was his turn to pout at her, and he held it for a moment before they both started laughing and he got into the tub with her.
He cleaned himself up quickly and started scrubbing her back while she nickered affectionately. “Where are you going to be tonight?” Luna asked.
“The roster says I’m on gate duty with Breaker. My turn in the rotation.”
“Good. I like knowing where you are. Are you planning on visiting your family when your leave comes up?”
Iron nodded. “Yeah. Mom and Dad are looking forward to having me there. Flower’s graduating from college at the same time.”
“That’s wonderful!” Luna said as she meticulously cleaned her feathered wings. “How are War and Rumor?”
“Just fine, so they tell me.” They got out of the tub, and he helped her dry herself off with a towel before she used her magic to dry him.
They stepped back out into the bedroom as a knock was heard at the door. “Enter,” Luna said. “Ah, Scripta, what’s on for tonight?”
Scripta Manent was Luna’s principal secretary. The unicorn mare levitated a small clipboard from her saddlebag and held it in front of her face. “Good morning, Your Highness. I do hope you slept well.”
“Quite well, thank you.” She and Iron exchanged winks and the earth stallion kissed her as he walked out of the room, headed for the Guard barracks. The two Solar Guards at the door recognized him and let him pass unchallenged. “Anything important tonight?” Luna asked as she walked over to a dressing table.
“The new griffin Ambassador will be presenting his credentials. He will also be presenting his daughter at Court.”
“That’s nice,” Luna remarked as she set her tiara on her head. Ambassadors always attended both the Day and Night Courts. “What do we know about him?”
“Lord Gregor von Vogelsang,” Scripta replied promptly. “Highly recommended by the Griffin Council, qualified duelist and aerial strategist. His rank in their armed forces is Squadron Leader. His daughter Beatrice will be attending the academy at Cloudsdale.”
“Very good. Will the other Ambassadors be there as well?”
“The envoy from the Bey of Rum begged off. He caught a bad cold while boating a few days ago.”
“Please send him my best wishes, and I hope he gets better.”
“Yes, Your Highness.”
“Anything else?”
“Her Highness Princess Celestia passed on to me the message that she was not amused by the whoopee cushion on her throne this morning.” The unicorn mare looked over her clipboard at Luna, who was giggling.
“Well, I’ll make it up to her at breakfast,” the Lunar Princess said as she finished fitting into her silver horseshoes. “Speaking of which, what time is it?”
“Nearly five thirty, Your Highness.”
“Right on time, then. Celly hates it when I teleport in. Blows papers everywhere.” Luna smiled at her secretary.
And promptly vanished in a flash and a pop! of displaced air.
Scripta Manent sighed.
***
“Hey, Iron!”
“Hiya, Steel. What’s up?”
“Better get your armor on and get breakfast. Briefing starts at sundown.” Steel Trap was an earth pony like Iron, but with a blotchy palomino’s coat in white and brown. His mane was a sandy tan color. He was already in armor, but hadn’t put his helmet on yet.
“Anything from the day shift?”
“Not much,” and Steel put on his helmet.
Most ponies will tell you that the Royal Guards all look alike. This isn’t because they’re chosen to look that way, but is instead a function of their armor. As soon as Steel’s black Lunar Guard helmet was firmly on his head, his coat changed color to a uniform charcoal gray with a black mane and tail. He grinned, the glamor making his teeth look like a shark’s. “See you at breakfast.”
“Sure thing.” Iron had at first been unsure about seeing his color change under the spell, but at least it was better than the bat wings that pegasi got when they had on their armor. It creeped him out a bit.
***
“You didn’t have to ruin my dinner, Lu.”
“Oh, pish. And you know you shouldn’t eat kelp, Tia. You know it raises hob with your digestion.”
The sisters were exchanging whispers as they strode toward the Throne Room. After a rather rancorous meal that almost-but-not-quite escalated into a food fight, the Royal Sisters had made their way to the elevated platform to perform their most recognized duty.
With the Sun setting and the Moon starting to rise, there was only the Exchange of Courts to be done, and Tia could retire to her chambers and catch up on things.
Luna sat beside her sister as the ceremony proceeded, Celestia’s herald reciting her titles in both Old and Modern Equestrian before a fanfare was sounded by a mixed group of Solar and Lunar Guard trumpeters.
Luna’s own herald, Verba Volant, stepped forward. “Serenissimus Principissa Luna, a Creatore gratia Diarch de Equestria, Filia Reginae Lune, Summum Artifex Nocturnas Caelum, Fons Somninat, Motorem Siderum, Dea Belli, Summus Imperator Praetorii Nocte, Arbiter Curie Umbrae, Optimati Ducissam Palati Everfree . . . Her Serene Highness Luna, by the Creator’s grace Diarch of Equestria, Princess of the Moon, Supreme Artist of the Night Sky, Fount of Dreams, Mover of the Stars, Goddess of War, Supreme Commander of the Guard of Night, Arbiter of the Court of Shadows, Grand Duchess of Everfree Castle.”
Luna stood, and in a clear voice (but not the booming Royal Voice) said, “I declare the Court of Night open. Let all who have business here step forward and be recognized.”
She sat down again, horn glowing softly as all of the banners in the Throne Room, which had been white and bore the emblem of the Sun, changed to indigo blue with a silver crescent Moon.
Verba Volant stepped forward again, the unicorn stallion clearing his throat slightly as he announced, “His Excellency Gregor von Vogelsang, Keeper of Holdfast Aerie, Ambassador of the Griffin Council to the Dual Court, with Lady Margrethe and Miss Beatrice von Vogelsang.”
The male griffin stepped forward, his mate and daughter following him at a few steps’ distance. They stopped the requisite five paces in front of the dais and bowed. Their movements were precise and correct, as befitted their noble status. “Your Majesties,” Lord Gregor said, “permit me to offer my credentials as my nation’s envoy.” He clacked his beak and an attendant brought forward a scroll. “The Griffin Council expresses the wish that they and Equestria will always remain friends in peace, and allies in war.”
Luna levitated the scroll from the cushion on the attendant’s back and studied it. Everything was in order; the griffin nobility was fanatic about proper protocol. “Be welcome in Equestria, Lord von Vogelsang, and give fair report to your Council that Equestria will always be a friend to all griffins.”
The noble smiled and bowed. “Thank you, Your Majesty. May I have the honor of presenting my wife, Margrethe, and our daughter Beatrice.”
Luna smiled graciously. “Welcome to Canterlot, Lady Margrethe, young Beatrice. I hope you will find everything to your liking.”
Lady Margrethe was either pregnant or had to start laying off the meadow vole tartar. She bowed and replied, “We are settling in, Your Highness. Beatrice starts at the Cloudsdale Academy next week.” The young griffiness gave what could best be described as a smirk.
Celestia and Luna exchanged glances. Beatrice was in for an education. The pegasi running the Academy had a reputation to uphold, going back all the way to when it was a school for gladiators.
A few more words, and the gathering adjourned to a smaller chamber off the Throne Room for some light refreshments. Luna took a cup of punch and circulated, making small talk with the various envoys. She saw that Celestia was deep in conversation with an Emir from one of the Camel Sultanates. She was about to eavesdrop when Lady Margrethe came forward. “Excuse me, Your Highness?”
“Yes, Lady Margrethe?”
“I was wondering if you’d read the latest minutes of the Equestrian Science Academy.”
“The Science Academy? I don’t be . . . Yes, in fact, I have. One of your countrygriffins submitted a report on the dragon migrations, didn’t he?”
The griffiness smiled. “Gerhard von Starkfeather, yes. One of the finest mages in my country – and my second cousin. He and a pegasus spent three years in the wilds – “
“Because only a griffin and a winged pony could keep up, and von Starkfeather’s magic kept them from being spotted by the dragons,” Luna interjected. “It was a very well-presented article, Lady Margrethe. You and your clan must be very proud of him.”
“We are, thank you.”
“If you don’t mind my asking, Lady, how far along are you?” They were standing a bit apart from the rest of the gathering, but Luna caught her blush and self-conscious titter.
“Just a month or so. Gregor doesn’t know yet.”
Luna gave her a droll smile. “You’ll have to tell him sometime, you know. Hard to keep something like that quiet for very long.”
“I know. I’m hoping he doesn’t notice for another few days.”
“Why?”
A wide, beaky grin. “It’s his birthday.”
Luna shared a chuckle with the griffiness before circulating among the other diplomats. After perhaps another half hour, Celestia excused herself and departed, headed for bed. At the doorway, she paused. Luna, she said in her thoughts.
Yes, Celly?
Did you leave a trap in my bedroom?
No. Luna suppressed a smile. Did you want me to?
She could feel the other alicorn’s frown from across the room. Good night, Luna. Have a pleasant night.
The Lunar Princess giggled quietly as her sister and her guards left the reception. Celestia still hadn’t quite forgiven her for that gag with the itching powder.
***
Iron Monger and Stone Breaker advanced to meet the guards who stood on either side of the main gate of Canterlot Castle. Fitting the stereotype of all guardsponies, the Lunar Guards stood rigidly, with stern expressions and unblinking eyes.
Well, that was the stereotype, but no one really expected a pony to stay like that for their entire shift. Again, it was the armor that did most of the heavy lifting, just as it did for the Solar Guard detail that had been relieved four hours earlier.
An hour on post, and an hour on patrol; that was the drill. It kept the guards alert.
As Iron and Stone approached, one of the bat-winged pegasi called out, “Halt! Who goes there?”
“The Guard,” Stone said. He was senior.
“Whose Guard?”
“Princess Luna’s Guard!”
“Advance and be recognized.” The two earth ponies stepped forward. “You are recognized,” the pegasus said. “What is the password?”
Stone glanced at Iron. “You say it this time – you’d know more about it than I do.”
Iron Monger rolled his now hot yellow, ophidian eyes. “The password is Princess Luna’s Honor.” He frowned as the other pony on the gate detail, a mare, giggled. “And I don’t kiss and tell.”
“Well, I’m not going to kiss you,” Stone said.
“Then I’m not telling you.”
“Can we get on with this?” the winged Guard asked, rustling his pinions irritably. “We do have jobs to do, you know. Work on your stand-up act later.”
“Okay, okay,” Stone said with a chuckle. “Go on, then.”
“What?”
“We gave you the password. Your turn.”
“The password is correct,” the guardspony said in an irritated tone.
“We relieve you.”
“We stand relieved.” The two pairs of Lunar Guards went through the martial motions that ended with the offgoing detail standing where Stone and Iron had been, and the two earth ponies in position at the gate.
The mare said quietly, “Don’t do anything we wouldn’t – we’re in public, you know,” and she and her partner headed off on their roving patrol.
The two earth ponies shared a glance, rolled their eyes and took up their watch.
Time passed.
About half an hour into their watch the gate swung open and a unicorn stallion walked through. He had a dull gray coat and a charcoal gray mane and tail, and a cutie mark consisting of two crossed quill pens and a coin. “Take care, fellows,” he said as he walked through.
He and Iron shared a glance as the unicorn walked past, and the earth pony tried to stay stoic.
***
Down in the lower reaches of Canterlot Town there was a street where the bars were uniformly seedy and the clientele uniformly unsavory. It may seem odd that the shining capitol of the kingdom and the home of the Two Royal Sisters would have such a street in it, but it must be recalled that it is a city, and has all of a city’s attendant amenities - and problems.
A trio of ponies stood around a billiards table in one such bar, the air thick with the smells of unwashed pony and spilled cider. The gray unicorn lined up his shot and his horn glowed beige as the cue tapped the ball.
The other two watched as the ball struck the Number 5 ball, and it rolled toward one of the side pockets. One smirked as the ball stopped just short of the pocket while the unicorn tossed back the last of his cider. “You missed,” the earth pony sneered.
The unicorn belched, and the ball toppled into the pocket. “Did I?”
The ponies watching laughed and applauded. It is a matter of conjecture whether they applauded the shot, or the belch. To the unicorn’s credit, it was a fine belch, of a properly masculine depth and timbre.
His opponent glowered. “You using your horn?”
“Nope,” the unicorn said, signaling the barmare to bring another round of cider over to the table. The spectators backed him up.
A short distance away at the bar the phone rang. “Yeah?” the bartender said. “Happy’s Pool Hall, Eight Ball speakin’ . . . izzat so? Hang on,” and he called out, “Hey! There a guy named Bit Pincher here?”
The gray unicorn had been taking another swig of cider. He did a spit-take and coughed. “Yo.”
“Phone for ya.”
The unicorn put the cue up in its rack, tossed back the rest of his cider and walked over to the phone. “Thanks, Eight Ball . . . yo, yeah? That so?” He glanced up at the clock over the mirror. “Huh. Didn’t know it was that late. Okay, I’ll be home soon . . . yeah, I said soon and I meant it. Bye.” His horn glowed and the phone hung up. He scattered a small pile of bits on the bar to settle his tab and walked out.
The earth pony he had been playing followed him out, determined to settle a score with the horn-head.
He stepped out in time to see the unicorn slip into a side alley, and he followed.
When he got around the corner he stopped, his mouth falling open as he saw the unicorn wrap himself in a skein of indigo magic, sparkling with stars. Legs grew longer, wings sprouted and the coat, mane, and cutie mark all . . . changed.
The earth pony keeled over in a dead faint as Princess Luna leaped upward, powerful wings sending a gust of air down the alley as she took wing for the Castle.
***
“Sorry I’m running a bit late, everypony,” Luna said. “Got a bit caught up in the game.”
“No problem, Your Highness,” Scripta Manent said. “The court doesn’t start until midnight, and you still have about a half an hour.”
It was a common practice to have the Princesses hear court cases forwarded to them by the local magistrates, particularly if the magistrates considered the case insoluble or of some special interest. A year earlier, Luna had presided over the case of The Dual Crowns vs. The Splendide Candy Company, where the company’s head had been charged with selling an inferior (if not dangerous) product.
Luna shuddered a bit at the memory.
The 'crunchy frog' had been quite tasty . . . until she'd read the ingredients list.
Having a half hour to get ready meant she had time for a shower and a bracing cup of tea, so she was quite ready as the bailiff, a very large earth pony stallion in the livery of the City Guard, intoned, “Hear ye, hear ye! The Court of Night is now in session. Her Highness Princess Luna presiding!”
There were only a few cases to be heard, and as Luna took her seat on the throne another bailiff, this one a short and dowdy earth pony mare, led the first defendants forward. Luna took a moment to study them as the Public Advocate and the Court Prosecutor stepped forward. Both lawyers were pegasi.
An earth pony stallion and his wife, it appeared; they were both very much the same. An unremarkable dull color to their coats and manes made them appear dirty despite the fact they were obviously quite clean. They had morose, sad expressions on their faces that made Luna think of the painting Hayseed Gothic by Wood Grant.
“Please,” the mare said to the bailiff, “lock us up and throw the key away.”
“Hanging’s too good for us,” the stallion added. Their voices were monotones that sounded so gloomy and hopeless that they seemed almost designed to wring tears from Tirek himself, damn him.
The bailiff ushered them to the spot before the throne and said with a smile, “If only they were all like you.” She looked up at Luna. “I like these ponies. Treat ‘em nice,” and she moved to stand beside her much larger male partner.
The larger stallion cocked his head at the defendants. “Is she wearing a potato sack for a dress?”
The bailiff mare nodded. “Those things never look right without a belt.”
“So, Scripta,” Luna said in a businesslike tone, “who have we here?”
“The Wheelers, Your Highness,” the aide said. “Cart and Stern,” and she indicated the mare and the stallion respectively. “They were remanded to Canterlot jurisdiction from Manehattan on a 509-B violation.”
“509-B?”
“Yes, Your Highness.”
Luna tapped her chin with a hoof. “I fear I’m not familiar with that law,” and she eyed the Prosecutor.
“Cruelty to animals, Your Highness, specifically poultry.”
Luna frowned and regarded the defendants.
She didn’t believe the two capable of cruelty to anypony. “Pray, elaborate.”
“Yes, Your Highness. The defendants were attempting to raise chickens,” and the stallion glanced at the defendants.
“Until the accident,” Stern Wheeler said in his monotone. His accent indicated that he, and presumably his wife, were not from Manehattan but from somewhere quite rural.
“Accident?” Luna asked.
The Advocate took up the tale. “The Wheelers were using a mana-powered incubator, Your Highness. It was, sadly, defective.”
“So the chickens are - ?”
“Quiche,” the Prosecutor said.
“It was terrible,” Mrs. Wheeler said. “The Faust-awful smell of meringue – “
“The blood-curdling peeping,” Mr. Wheeler added. “Ironically, the reason we tried our hooves at chickens was because the worm farm failed.”
“’Worm farm?’” Luna ventured.
The Prosecutor gave the rural couple a patronizing grin. “Yes, I can just see you two over a huge vat of fat pink wigglers.”
Mr. Wheeler nodded. “We were seduced by the glamor of it all.”
The Regent of the Night felt her right eye starting to twitch a bit, for some reason. Her curiosity getting the better of her, she asked, “What happened to the worms?”
“Stampede.”
The earth pony mare added, “Just imagine all the pasta you ever ate coming back to get you.”
Luna immediately resolved to avoid these two ponies’ dreams.
Preferably forever.
“I guess I don’t have the knack for animal husbandry,” Mr. Wheeler said.
His wife patted his shoulder consolingly. “There, there, Stern.” She turned to the Advocate. “He’s been such a wet blanket ever since Granny died.”
A silence descended on the room.
The Advocate, the Prosecutor and the Princess all looked at each other.
“Fine!” the Advocate said, ruffling her wings and giving her poofy blonde mane a slight toss. “How did your Granny die?”
“She passed away in her sleep,” Stern said gloomily.
Everyone waited.
“On the railroad tracks.”
The Prosecutor’s wings drooped to the floor.
Cart said, “The railroad never even charged her for the ride.”
The Advocate was now visibly twitching. Luna couldn’t blame her. The pegasus mare said sympathetically, “Yes, tragedy brings out the best in ponies, you know.”
Her gaze wavered up to Luna’s, as if to ask, What the hay else could I say?
Luna felt her sanity starting to circle a metaphorical drain. “May I ask a question?”
“Shoot,” Stern Wheeler said.
“What are you two here for again? I’ve lost the thread of the case, I’m afraid.”
The Prosecutor quickly jumped in with all four hooves. “Destruction of adjoining property, Your Highness. Total damages came to eighty-five bits.”
The alicorn blinked. “Oh! Well then, um, pay the damages, and we will consider the case closed.” Her hoof rapped the floor before the two earth ponies could abuse her sanity further.
“Are you able to pay that much?” the Advocate asked Cart Wheeler.
The earth pony mare nodded. “Oh, yes. Granny left us a pretty substantial inheritance.”
“What?” the Prosecutor asked with a derisive snort. “A dead vole and a packet of Gekko Wafers?”
“No,” Stern said, still as deadpan as ever. “Two hundred fifty thousand bits.”
The Prosecutor’s jaw joined his wings on the floor.
“We ate the Gekko Wafers,” and the two earth ponies left the room.
Luna rapped her hoof on the floor again as the door swung shut. “Recess for ten minutes. Scripta?”
“Yes, Your Highness?”
“Bring me a small glass of cider, please. I need to brace myself a bit.”
***
“Shh.”
Stone Breaker had been regaling Iron Monger about his latest marefriend, a chorus dancer at the Royal Ballet. Ordinarily, such tales were interesting, but one thing that the Lunar Guard armor conveyed to its wearer was enhanced sight and hearing. “What?” the guardspony asked.
“Thought I heard something, down the alley.”
“Might be a cat.”
“Yeah, but might not be.” The two moved carefully to the entrance of the alleyway, and Iron peered around the corner.
Sure enough, the sounds of a struggle wafted to his ears from the back of the alley, behind an overturned dustbin. The stallion signaled to his partner, who drew his sword as Iron drew the baton in his armor. Spears, while good for parade and gate duty, could be cumbersome in an enclosed space.
Baton clenched in his teeth, Iron stepped very quietly toward the dustbin as his ears flicked. There were two ponies there, one possibly a mare.
And they were fighting.
He stepped into the clear so he could see what was going on, but the usual shout of “Lunar Guard!” died swiftly in his throat.
Stone backed away as his partner emerged from the alleyway, sheathing his baton. “Well? What was it?”
The stallion gave a sour grin. “Let’s say that some ponies like the strangest things. C’mon, put your sword up and go on with your story.”
***
There were two more very minor cases, and Verba Volant stepped forward. “There is one last case, Your Highness.”
“Yes?” The unicorn looked uneasy, and Luna’s ears perked. “What’s wrong?”
“It . . . it involves the defense of the realm, Your Highness.”
This brought a stern frown to the Lunar Diarch’s muzzle. By law and tradition, she was the overall field commander of all of Equestria’s armed forces. Her older sister was Commander-in-Chief, of course. “Give me the facts.” She glanced past Verba as an earth pony with a tan coat, curly black mane and a rather odd conical hat was ushered in. His cutie mark was a musical clef, and he had shackles on his fetlocks.
“Er, yes, at Your Highness’ pleasure.” Verba cleared his throat. “The case of The Dual Crowns vs. Chinco Teagui, remanded to the Court of Night by the Court in Baltimare, Magistrate Mens Rea presiding. Mister Teagui is a minor official in the Defense Forces, and is accused of trying to sell elements of Equestria’s secret war code and plans – “
“That’s a lie!” the earth pony protested. “I sold the code and TWO pair o’ plans!” He grinned up at the throne. “That’s a good one, huh Princess?” Behind him, a Guard facehoofed.
“ – and the defendant requested a hearing before Your Highness,” Verba finished.
“I see. Do you have a lawyer, Chinco Teagui?”
“I got better’n that! I got my brother, Rusty! Hey, Rusty!”
A female guardspony suddenly shrieked as another earth pony stallion, his ruddy coat topped with an unruly mop of fire-red curls, came charging into the room. He wore a battered top hat, a considerably battered cloak, and a curious horn that looped several times around his neck and ended at one end with a wide trumpet-like flare and the other end with a rubber bulb. The horn looked like it came from Prance.
He gamboled past the Guards and ended up beside his brother. He dipped his mouth to the rubber bulb.
“Honk.”
Luna took a deep breath. Celestia did it often, and recommended it as a method to calm herself. Luna had decided to try it.
“And who is this?”
“My brother, Rusty.”
“Honk.”
“Er, his actual name is Assa Teagui, Your Highness.”
“And you’re his lawyer.”
“Honk.”
Another deep breath. “Who is prosecuting the case?”
“I am, Your Highness,” and a pudgy unicorn stepped up to take a position midway between the dais and the defendant. “Chief Prosecutor Luton Assizes, of Baltimare.” He glared at the Teagui Brothers. “Chinco Teagui, I am sure we’ll convict you.”
“Oh yeah? What odds?” Chinco demanded.
Assizes smirked. “Hmmph. Three to one.”
“That’s no good,” Chinco demurred. “I can get four to one down at the betting shops.”
Luna cleared her throat. “What are the facts of the case, Mr. Assizes?”
He looked surprised. “Are the facts really necessary, Your Highness?”
Turquoise eyes narrowed. “Yes. They are.”
“Oh! Um, well, Chinco Teagui was employed as a second-level clerk in the Royal Equestrian Navy office at Baltimare. As a part of his REN job, he was privy – “
“I ain’t no privy! I’m a pony, I am.”
“ – to secret materials below Magenta Level, Your Highness. A routine test of the security systems discovered part of a code book and two pages of naval deployments missing, and an investigation traced the missing articles to Chinco Teagui.” His horn glowed a bilious green as he transferred the affidavits to Verba, who showed them to Luna.
“You were trying to sell these to the Camel Sultanates?” Luna asked as she scanned the documents.
Chinco Teagui said cheerily, “Hey, camels are lovely folks! I’d walk a mile for one.”
“You do know that the Sultanates are completely landlocked, and they don’t even have a navy?”
Chinco Teagui waved a dismissive hoof at the limit of his shackle chain. “They’re better than that. Ain’t you heard that camels are the ships of the desert?”
There was a brief silence.
“Honk.”
Luna shook her head and muttered almost inaudibly, “Now I bet you five to one we find you guilty.” She raised her voice slightly and said to the defendant, “I wish you had chosen to keep this in the Baltimare courts, Chinco Teagui. I fear you may be affecting my sanity.”
“That’s a lie!”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Everypony knows there ain’t no such thing as Sanity!”
Luna facehoofed. “Can I buy back my introduction to you?”
“Sure,” Chinco Teagui said brightly. “Hoof over forty-five bits. I gotta make rent on my lawyer.”
“Rent on your lawyer?”
“Sure! Show the nice Princess, Assa Teagui.” The rust-colored pony obligingly twitched his withers and his cloak slipped, showing a musical note-and-harp cutie mark and a sign proclaiming STATE SECRETS SOLD CHEAP.
Luna glared at Luton Assizes. “Explain how you managed to miss that.”
The overweight unicorn tugged nervously at his collar. “Well, Your Highness, er, that is . . . “
“Yes?”
“He’s hard to keep track of.” And he pointed toward the throne.
Luna glanced around and yelped as Assa Teagui was found seated beside her.
“HONK.”
"Shhh!" Luna hissed.
Assa Teagui obligingly produced a much smaller horn. “. . . honk . . . “
The Lunar Regent wasn’t certain which was worse, the utter temerity of the pony, or the fact that she could understand him. “Yes, I know, but you can't sit here."
“Honk?”
“No, you can NOT be my consort. Now, get back down there.”
Assa Teagui pouted and gave a depressed honk.
Chinco Teagui piped up. “I consort, too, but don’ wanna work for Woolly’s.”
“No, I said consort!”
“Well, you gotta piano, I play you a nice consort.”
Luna swept the red-maned pony off the throne and off the dais, causing him to slide a third of the way across the polished marble floor. “Consider yourself fortunate that I do not charge you with lese majeste,” she growled.
“You make him Da majesty, he’s gonna be lazy. He’ll no get up before noon.”
“Honk.”
“Okay, two P.M.”
“Honk.”
“And then you gotta serve lunch.”
The indigo alicorn’s attention was suddenly drawn to another commotion at the door, where two of her batwinged pegasi were barring another unicorn from entering. The pony had a pale tan coat and a glossy black mane and tail, bushy eyebrows and was smoking a venomous cigar.
“Look, I’m sorry I’m late, but if I knew I had to defend him, I never would have come,” he protested.
“Verba.”
“Your Highness?”
“Who is that pony?”
The pony in question ducked and slid under the wings and spears of the Lunar guards. “Colic, Your Highness, Fetlock Q. Colic, Attorney at Law.”
“And you are here – why?”
“I’ve been called all the way from Fillydelphia to represent these two reprehensibles.” He gave Chinco Teagui a glare as his cigar levitated a short distance above his head. “You know, when I look at you, I think Justice is blind. I also think how lucky Justice is.” He paused, and his horn glowed an off shade of pink as a card levitated itself up to Luna. “My card.”
The Princess glanced at the card, did a double take, and said tartly, “This is just a card for a manure collection agency – with your name written on it.”
“My other cards are in the cleaners.”
“What does the Q stand for, Mr. Colic?”
“It’ll stand for anything. It’s the most tolerant letter in the alphabet.” He cleared his throat and added in a warm baritone singing voice, “And now . . . I must be neighing / I certainly may, I mean to say, I must be neighing . . .”
Whatever spell the unicorn was working, it seemed to be contagious; Verba stepped up and sang, with members of the Lunar Guard as a chorus:
“Hooray for Mr. Colic, the Fillydelphia attorney!”
“Would someone call me Bernie?” Colic interjected.
“Hooray, hooray, hooray!”
Luna sat there in shock. She’d been unaware how well her guards sang. Perhaps next Hearth’s Warming Eve . . .
Verba sang again, “He is the only lawyer, who pleads ad duces tucem.”
Colic added, “This crowd is kinda gruesome.”
“Hooray hooray horsay!” the impromptu chorus sang. “He travelled here from Philly / Although this may seem silly / His legal brief's a dilly! / Hey-hay!”
Suddenly they all fell silent, except for Colic who drew himself up and pointed an accusing hoof at Chinco Teagui. “I don't know how you plead today / it makes no difference anyway / what ever it is / you're up against it!” He stopped singing and gazed off in a random direction, shrugged and said, “Well, we had to slip in a filk somewhere, folks.”
“Mister Colic,” Verba said, shaking himself slightly, “You are out of order.”
“Oh yeah? I’m always out of order – I stopped waiting tables when I left law school. Not that I care much, but who are you?
“I am Verba Volant, Her Highness’ herald.”
“Oh yeah. I saw you in print.”
“In print?”
“Sure! You’ve heard of the Herald-Tribune.”
Verba spluttered, but before he could say anything Colic addressed the Princess. “May I approach the throne?”
“Why, Mr. Colic?” Luna asked.
The unicorn leered shamelessly at her. “I think I left my horseshoes there last night.” He wiggled his bushy eyebrows at her.
Luna started to say something, but noticed that Assa Teagui was seated next to her again. “And just WHAT are YOU doing up here again?”
“Honk?”
“NO.” Her horn glowed, and the red-maned pony vanished in a brief flash, to reappear beside his brother. “Now, let’s get on with this. Luton Assizes.”
The prosecutor had been nervously staring off into the distance. “Huh? What, Your Highness?”
“What seems to be the problem?”
“Er, um, I thought I saw . . . “ His voice trailed off to an indistinct mumble.
“What?”
“I thought I saw a ten-hoof-high hedgehog.”
“Oh? A hedgehog?”
“Yes, Your Highness.”
“Ten hooves high?”
He nodded nervously. “Named Dinsdale.”
“Dinsdale.”
Assizes nodded again, and mopped his brow with a hoofkerchief.
Luna found herself taking another deep breath, and this time she also adopted another of her sister’s techniques and counted to ten, slowly. “May we please get on with this? It’s getting late.”
Chinco Teagui scoffed, “It’s not getting late! It’s getting early! Early in the morning, and almost time for breakfast!”
Fetlock said, “I’ll have oatcakes and syrup.”
“Honk!”
“Make that for two.”
“Colic,” Assizes said, “Your clients are charged with high treason.”
“Oh yeah? How high?”
“Never mind about that! They could be locked up for life.”
Colic looked around conspiratorially before sidling up to Assizes. “Let’s not put the cart before the horse, but if it hides you, we can make an exception.” He sidled away as the prosecutor harrumphed.
“Much as I hate to admit it,” Luna said, “I find myself rather fascinated by your behavior.”
“I was fascinated once!” Chinco Teagui said brightly. “Right here on my flank!” He looked back at it, then did a double take. “Hey! Where’s my vaccination scar?”
“Honk.” Assa Teagui grinned and showed his flank to his brother.
“Hey, you gotta my scar!” That’s good!”
“Honk!”
Luna opened her mouth to speak, then noticed that, again, Assa Teagui was sitting next to her. He grinned at her cheekily and kissed her.
She spluttered and roared, “GUARDS! Clap this one in irons! He is accused of lese majeste!” As one, the Lunar Guard swooped down on the pony. A complicated scrum ensued, ending with Assa Teagui standing chained between two guards while four others writhed on the floor, having somehow managed to shackle themselves to each other.
“Aw, c’mon, don’t give him the clap, Your Lazy Majesty,” Chinco Teagui protested.
The moonlight visible through the windows went suddenly quite dark.
“Seize him as well!” she said as she pointed at Chinco Teagui.
Assa Teagui helpfully tossed out some packets from a Baltimare garden supply house.
“NOT SEEDS, SEIZE!”
“My, what a lovely singing voice you must have.”
Fetlock Q. Colic’s voice distracted the Lunar Diarch. “What?!”
“Have you ever thought of singing solo? So low nopony can hear you?”
Calling on her arcane abilities as an alicorn, Luna collected herself. Surprisingly, it actually took effort. “Guards,” she said through gritted teeth, “take Chinco Teagui and Assa Teagui to the dungeons. I shall . . . deal with them tomorrow night. I further decree that Luton Assizes have his head examined – “
“Bet you ten bits you don’t find anything,” Colic interjected.
“ – To determine if he’s competent to be a lawyer,” Luna finished as the chubby unicorn gaped in shock. “And for contempt of court, Mr. Colic – “
“Can you make this quick? I have to get a ladder.”
“A ladder?”
“Yeah. I’m taking this to a higher court.”
“I am inclined to give you a short sentence, as a warning.” She was a bit surprised at how calm she sounded.
To Verba and the guardsponies, it sounded as if she was just barely managing to avoid flying into an equicidal rage.
“How about ‘I am?’ That’s the shortest sentence I know,” Colic said, taking another puff on his cigar.
“Careful, Counselor, lest you argue yourself all the way to the chopping block.”
“Do I get a chopping bag to bring my head home in?”
“What?”
“Well, you have to have a bag with you when you go chopping.”
***
“Halt! Who goes there?”
“The Guard.”
“Whose Guard?”
“Princess Celestia’s Guard.” Iron Monger and Stone Breaker, now back at their original post flanking the main gate of the Castle, stood at attention as two earth stallions in gold armor came forward. A soft shiver in the armor as spell met spell meant that they were who they said they were.
“You are recognized. What is the password?”
“The word for the day is Halter.”
“The password is correct. All post orders remain in effect.”
“We relieve you.”
“We stand relieved.” The Solar and Lunar guardsponies exchanged positions. “Pretty quiet tonight,” Iron said casually.
“Thank the Princesses for that,” one of the Solar ponies said. “Means less paperwork for you lot.”
“Right about that,” Stone Breaker said. “Have a quiet day.”
The junior Solar Guard rolled his eyes. “Not likely. School tour today.”
“Who?”
“Trottingham Academy.”
“Ouch. Try not to go crazy. Any coffee left in the mess?”
“Always.”
The two Lunar Guards headed back to the barracks, for supper and debriefing.
***
“You’re joking.”
“Tia, does it look like I’m joking?”
“Hmm.” Tia put a hoof to her chin and regarded her sister speculatively as Luna grumbled and went back to eating her dinner. Dawn was scheduled to occur in another forty-five minutes (although either alicorn could have told the time down to the tiniest fraction of a second), and the Princess of the Sun was enjoying her breakfast. “No, you don’t look like you’re joking.”
“Thank you.”
“But come now, were they really that bad?”
Luna almost did a spit-take, which would have put a broad streak of red wine across the immaculate tablecloth. “They bid fair to drive me crazy. It was just that kind of night, I’m afraid. Thankfully I don’t get many of them.”
Tia’s eyes gleamed. “Afraid the Moon might get overpopulated?”
The two Princesses looked at each other, then they both burst out laughing. “Scant chance of that,” Luna said as she finished the last of her dinner. A servant cleared away the empty plates and served dessert, a small but dense slice of chocolate torte. She tucked in, and after a few minutes to savor the confection she said, “Seriously, though, the idea that one might try to sell defense secrets, even in such a featherbrained scheme as these two had, is a very disturbing thing.”
“Yes. Fortunately nothing would have come of it. We’re on good terms with the Sultanates, and you know they don’t like stepping on our hooves.” Celestia gave her younger sister a knowing smile. “I think they still tell schoolkids there about the Battle of Akh-ni.”
Luna perked up and smiled. “Do you think so?” The battle had been fought nearly a century before Luna’s descent into madness as Nightmare Moon. Akh-ni had been a perpetual sore spot, a salient that infringed on their territory and a constant source of camel incursions. By the time she and Equestria’s forces were finished lancing that particular sore, the Camel Sultanates had voluntarily offered to sacrifice their own leaders to her in hopes she would stop the fighting.
She was still proud of her little ponies for their prowess, even after all these years.
Celestia finished her glass of orange juice, and her inner senses judged the time. “How is your coltfriend?”
“Iron Monger? Quite well, I should guess. The Lunar Guard reported no problems anywhere in the city, apart from the usual petty crimes. Why do you ask?”
“He’s your friend,” the older sister said simply. “And I know it would hurt you if he had anything happen to him.”
“True.” Luna smiled, looking down at her now-empty dessert plate. She stretched and yawned. “Any way I can talk you into raising the Sun early today?”
“Uh-uh. I still have twenty-one minutes, and I mean to enjoy my coffee and doughnut before settling into the daily grind.”
The Lunar Regent’s expression went sly. “You know, Tia . . . I could rearrange the court docket – “
“Not on your life, Lulu.”
The younger sister giggled. “Why not? You might need a laugh today. I know you have a meeting with the Stable of Nobles.”
“Trade?”
Now it was Luna’s turn to scowl. “Not on your life, either.” She recalled the first time she’d had to confer with the assembled nobility of Equestria after her return. It hadn’t been a pleasant experience for anyone involved.
Much to her dismay, Celestia had taken her aside and told her that she couldn’t have Duke Windsoar executed for talking back to her.
“You know, I just thought of something.”
“Oh? Another prank?”
“Maybe later. Tia, you and I should take a day off.” Luna grinned as Celestia put her coffee mug down on the table. “I’m not talking about the Sun and Moon, of course, but apart from that. Let the Prime Minister and the government handle things – just for a day.”
The Solar Princess’ expression grew sly and knowing. “And that includes, I suppose, all of the pending cases on the court docket?”
The Lunar Princess’ expression matched her sister’s. “Of course.”
“Anywhere in mind, then?”
“Hmm. Somewhere warm and inviting – ah! How about Neighples? Warm sun, pleasant nights, beautiful beaches, great swimming – “
“And the hot springs, and the wonderful night life,” Tia finished her sister’s thought for her. “A truly splendid idea, dear sister. When we exchange Courts this morning we’ll start the ball rolling. The government will – when do you think we should go?”
“I think tonight ought to be perfect.”
The two alicorns laughed.
***
“C’mon, guys, let me in.”
“And how do we know you’re not a Changeling, Iron? If that is your real name.” The two Solar Guards at the door to the Princess’ chambers smirked at each other. A few of the Guards liked to tease the earth stallion to keep him humble.
“We went to high school together, Kicker,” Iron grumbled. “And don’t think I’ve forgotten that little episode at the senior prom. What was that filly’s name again?”
Kicker’s glamored blue eyes widened. “You wouldn’t.”
“Oh? I’ll shout it from the Observatory Tower. Now, let me pass, okay?”
“Wait a minute,” Kicker’s companion interjected. “Pictures.”
“What?”
“We hear word you’re sleeping with Princess Luna, but all we got is words. Pictures, or it didn’t happen.”
“Listen, you numbskull – “
“Iron?” All three ponies turned, and came to attention as Luna came around the corner. “Have a nice night?”
“Pretty normal,” and he nuzzled her, deliberately catching the eyes of the other two guardsponies. Kicker just gazed back, while his partner looked dumbstruck. Iron let her go through the doorway first, and winked as he walked past the Guards.
The doors closed.
“Your night was pretty normal, eh? Mine was a bit interesting,” Luna remarked as Iron helped her shed her platinum and silver regalia. The alicorn stretched and yawned. “Celestia and I will be going to Neighples tonight. Just the two of us.”
“No Guards?” he asked.
“And no guards,” she said firmly. “I’m afraid that includes you. My sister and I just need a little time by ourselves. We went to Mareami last year, remember.”
“True.” The Princesses were laws unto themselves, and some cynics occasionally questioned why a Solar and Lunar Guard was even required for their protection. Watching over two immortal goddesses incarnate tended to be among the more interesting jobs in Equestria. “Just be careful, okay? Captain Nightshade would tear his mane out if anything happened.”
“And so would Captain Sun Streak, I know.” She nuzzled him in return as they headed for the bathroom. “Besides, I know perfectly well that there’ll likely be a division of the Guard hiding behind the nearest cloud, just waiting to see what might happen.”
“Or keeping the paparazzi at bay.”
Luna giggled. “True.” They took turns brushing their teeth (Iron took a shower), and they settled into bed, curling their hooves around each other’s bodies.
They shared a kiss, and a tiny movement of Luna’s horn extinguished the lights. “Good night, Iron.”
“G’night, Luna.”
“Honk!”
“What the – “
“OUT!”
End.
