A Daredevil Discusses Literature
A Daredevil Discusses Literature
Soreness. Aches. Irritation. Bleeding.
My fingers impersonate swollen plums, and it completely grosses me out. Yet, I continue to blankly stare at them, conjuring as many synonyms to the word “pain” as I can. If Twilight happens to have some sort of remedy, cream, herb, or some type of lotion to help deal with this, I’ll personally climb to the top of the Ponyville Tower and shout idiotically, “My real name is Bruce Wayne and I’m Batman!” Because I seriously cannot bear the pain for a minute longer and I’d do literally anything to ease my agitated fingers.
As I promised myself, I finally managed to hunt for a job that I’d easily acquire, despite my noticeably different stature from the general population of Ponyville. I landed one at a semi-fancy restaurant and bar aptly named “Lucky’s” half-way across town, playing background music on an acoustic guitar (rented to me by a certain DJ pony who apparently had taken a liking into me at a recent party). I’m by no means a talented player compared to any human musician who practices on a regular basis, but my flexible digits allow me to strum chords and notes more fluently than any non-unicorn could ever hope to dream of. I started taking private lessons only a couple of months before I arrived in Equestria, so I at least had the basic knowledge on how to play and maintain the stringed instrument.
Tonight was the absolute first night I worked in my life (my parents spoiled me rottenly back on Earth, so I never had the need to find a job before). I was considerably nervous, and I collected a high quantity of sweat underneath the ol’ armpits throughout the night. Somehow, someway, the ponies dining and drinking earlier in the evening paid no regard to my body order, but more so to the sweet tunes I was strumming. Before I knew it, I had my own small audience that asked me to play encore after encore after encore. The calluses on the tips of my fingers were far from fully developed, and the strings caused some sort of odd reaction that transformed them into a sickly purple hue. Why this has never happened to me before, I haven’t the slightest.
All in all though, I racked up a decent pay and probably upped my already befitting reputation. By now, the inhabitants of Ponyville have witnessed such an abundant amount of abnormal and unorthodox things, a lanky and almost hairless chimpanzee is apparently on the low end of the spectrum. The fact that I’m formerly from another planet, however, has remained a secret only known by Princess Celestia’s most trustworthy subjects.
I clear away all my tangled thoughts as I find myself staring face to face with the door of my temporary settlement. Using both my palms to fumble the door open, I step inside to see the lights unexpectedly still brightened.
“Having another one of your late night study sessions, Twilight?” I ask, even though I hadn’t yet spotted the purple unicorn. No reply comes in return. I frown, untying my shoes and setting them neatly by the doorstep.
“Are you in here, Twilight?” Same as before, only silence greets me. I shuffle quietly into the middle of the main lobby, knowing that Spike was for sure dancing in his weird dreamlands. My hands place themselves on my hips as I look about the room. The only conclusion I reach is that someone simply forgot to turn out the lights.
Then without warning, a ghastly voice whispers behind me:
“Boo.”
The hairs on the back of my neck immediately stand at attention as I nearly topple over myself. Once I recover, barely escaping the clutches of gravity, my vision snaps behind me to search for the sudden intruder. Lazily flapping her cyan wings, the rainbow-maned pegasus holds a hoof to her mouth to contain her inevitable laughter. Tears slowly well up inside her eyes as she cackles manically.
“Okay, Dash, you can let it all out,” I groan, rolling my eyes in displeasure.
Taking her cue, she begins to bawl. “You should’ve seen the look on your face,” she chortles, her voice noticeably cracking. “Classic stuff, right there.”
“As much as I love a good scare,” I fib, “I’m much more interested as to why you are here at half-past midnight.”
Rainbow takes several seconds before she can regain her composure to respond. “Couldn’t sleep,” she begins, “Came here to find a book to read.”
I lift an eyebrow incredulously. “You honestly couldn’t wait until the morning?”
She shrugs her shoulders, her attention turning towards the enormous plethora of miscellaneous books stacked neatly across the shelves. “Nope. I was getting really bored. I guess I could’ve gone on a short flight to stretch out my wings, but late night flying can be dangerous sometimes, ya know?”
“Really? But I thought ‘Danger’ was your middle name,” I jest.
The athletic pegasus smirks. She selects a book with a golden spine, flipping it over to the back to read the synopsis. “My middle name changes depending on the mood I’m in. Sometimes it’s ‘Radical’, other times
‘Awesome’, or even if I’m feeling up for it, it’s ‘Breathtaking’.”
“So what is it tonight, then?” I inquire.
“’Bored’.”
I chuckle, “Right, as you said before.”
Rainbow tucks the book underneath her arm, gently gliding for the door. “Well, tell Twilight I’m checking out this book for now.”
“I kinda have to know what the title of it is before you leave,” I say.
“Oh, right,” Rainbow says, slightly embarrassed. She hovers over to where I’m standing idly, thrusting the book directly in front of my face for me to examine.
“’Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone’,” I read aloud, mildly pushing Rainbow away from me to gain a few extra inches of personal space. “I’ve noticed that you’ve been reading these novels quite a lot during the past couple weeks I’ve been here. Considering that this is the first one, I’m guessing that you’ve already read through the whole series more than once?”
She nods her head. “I guess you could say that.”
“You enjoy them that much, huh?” I comment. Rainbow nods her head in an up and down motion for a second time. “What else do you like to read?”
The pegasus stares at me quizzically, looking as if she was ignoring my question. “Sorry, didn’t hear you. What did you say?”
“I asked if there are other books you like to read,” I respond. “This library is so vast, there has to be at least some other novels or series that you like.”
“Yeah, sure, whatever you say,” she says, wholly disregarding my previous statement. She glides her way towards the front door, snugging the book tightly against her chest. “I’m gonna head out now, I’ll see ya later.”
I’m tempted to grab her vigorously by the tail and force her to answer me as to why she’s dodging my questions like the Millennium Falcon in an asteroid field. Great, I’m fatigued to the point where I am even contemplating on acting hurtfully on somepony. I shake these thoughts out of my head as I sluggishly make my way up the stairs and onto my heavenly mattress.
Sleep hits as hard as a tsunami in a matter of moments.
The loving warmth of the morning sun welcomes me eagerly as I stretch my stiff muscles. The small clock resting near Twilight’s bed reads seven-twenty. The pony that should be occupying this bed, however, is nowhere to be seen.
I shuffle my way downstairs and into the kitchen, where I see that the mystery’s been immediately solved. The disappearing lavender unicorn is frying several eggs on top of our almost brand-new stove, sweetly humming a tune sounding vaguely familiar to a certain theme song.
“Buenos días, Señorita Sparkle,” I yawn, the aroma of the sizzling eggs taking my nostrils by storm. My stomach growls like a lion, desperately demanding something to digest.
“Good morning, Daryl,” Twilight greets me, cracking a helpless egg with her magic. Poor guy never stood a chance. “These will be ready in just a few minutes.”
“Sounds great,” I speculate, positioning myself on the only chair that has somehow held my weight without a fuss. It’s slightly uncomfortable, yes, but it’s much preferable to me than the hard wooden floor. I glance around the kitchen, noticing the absence of a certain purple dragon.
“Where’s Spike?” I ask. “He’s always helping you cook breakfast in the morning.”
“Rarity asked to borrow him for the day. I can’t remember what it was for though,” Twilight replies, using a spatula to accurately land the scrambled eggs onto two stainless plates. She hovers one in addition to a shiny fork over to me. I effortlessly catch them out of the air, thanking Twilight for preparing the morning meal for me once again.
“So, how did your first day at Lucky’s go?” she inquires, taking a moderate bite into her delectable eggs.
I do the same, partially satisfying my empty belly. “Longest night of my life,” I reply truthfully. “I couldn’t believe how much I was pressured to play song after song after song. I can’t complain though, seeing that my bit pouch finally feels pretty heavy. But, this money didn’t come without a price, however.” I show her my swollen fingers. Her complexion alters into a sickly green hue, looking like she was about to puke her guts out all over the table.
The unicorn pushes her (far from finished) plate away from her. “I think I lost my appetite.”
I shrug, shoving in another mouthful of golden-yellow eggs. “If you happen to have anything that’ll help the swelling go down, I’d honestly appreciate if I could borrow a bit.”
“There’s a potion in the medicine cabinet upstairs that Spike uses when his claws get writing cramps. It should be able to help with your, uh, predicament,” Twilight says. I sigh in relief, not believing my luck. “It’s the pink one in the triangular vial. It should be on the bottom shelf. Just remember to use a tiny drop on each of your fingers, and they should return to normal.”
I bolt out of the kitchen faster than lightning. “Thanks, Twi’!” I call out. My ears pick up something in return, but
I’m unable to depict what she says. Once I’m inside the substantially spotless bathroom, I speedily unlock the medicine cabinet and proceed to follow Twilight’s instructions. The potion stings incredibly, but I notice the effect it has already. The swelling almost instantaneously vanishes, my fingers returning to their normal state. I repeat with my remaining digits, smiling in pure easement.
“Everything going okay in there?” Twilight questions, her hooves creating audible clamors as she treads up the stairs.
“It worked just as you said,” I acknowledge, calmly placing the vial back to its original place. “Hopefully I won’t need to use it again anytime soon.”
“As do I,” she agrees, trotting into the unblemished bathroom as well. “As far as I know, Zecora is the only pony that I know who can mix that specific potion. If I can convince her to show me the array of ingredients, I’d be glad to make your own little stockpile just in case. I can’t imagine the pain you must’ve been feeling. It looked like there were small aliens growing on your fingertips!”
“Oh, didn’t I tell you that’s really how humans reproduce?” I retort. Her expression instantly turns to one of sheer shock as she takes several paces backwards. I laugh at her visible reaction quietly. “I’m just joking, Twilight. There’s no need to worry that there are going to be an extra ten mini-me’s running rambunctiously around the library.”
She lets out a distinct sigh. “Thank Celestia. You really had me going there for a second.”
“Nonetheless, it looks like I’m in your debt… again.”
“It’s not a problem, Daryl. What’s mine is yours as long as you’re living here with us.”
“Hey, if you’re in need of an assistant today while Spike’s out, I’ll be more than glad to assist with whatever you need assisting with,” I promise, almost stumbling over my odd choice of words.
Twilight ponders for a moment, tapping a hoof to her chin. Her cheeks turn a rosy shade as she dips her head slightly, trying to hide the fact that she is blushing. I immediately did not like what direction this was heading.
“Twilight, you remember what happened the last time I saw you with that expression dawning on your face,” I warn, folding my arms and gazing into her purple irises.
“Trust me, no bets, no challenges, no nothing!” she shoots back at once. “But seeing as how I wasn’t ever able to receive my massage, I think that’s where I’d like to start today.”
Now it’s my turn to blush furiously. “Fine, you’ve got yourself a massage from the only human in Equestria.” I pause, remembering something else I want to say. “Only on the condition that it’s no longer than a half-hour, and not a second over. The last thing we need is someone barging in after the library opens and getting the wrong idea.”
Twilight wears a sly grin, marching out the bathroom door. “Then let’s get started,” she says energetically. I follow the vivacious unicorn mare as she enters the bedroom, hopping onto her cushy bed. I fix myself behind her, instructing her to lay completely flat on her stomach. She complies as I stretch my dexterous fingers. Once I can tell that she’s in an adequate enough position, I softly place my hands on her back and begin rubbing and kneading her knotted muscles with care and precision.
She exhales in content while I smoothly work around her entire body. I fluidly rub her shoulders, neck, forelegs and hind legs, and it’s obvious that she is savoring every moment. My eyes periodically glance at the clock to check my time. Ten minutes. Fifteen minutes. Seventeen minutes. Eighteen minutes. While Twilight feels nothing but authentic and genuine satisfaction, I feel nothing but awkwardness. I mentally kick myself in the shins for offering to be her assistant, but I did legitimately believe that I was just going to be sent on a few random and miscellaneous errands.
As I’m finishing, a cool spring breeze drifts into the room, causing me to shutter slightly. I ignore it, thinking it’s simply my mind playing tricks and continue onwards until the steady rhythm of wings flapping against the chilly air forces me to freeze in place like a living statue. I hesitantly look up to see Rainbow Dash staring at the two of us in amusement, although I’m sure she might want to scream and run in horror at the same time.
“I’m sorry; did I come at a bad time?” Rainbow smirks, her gaze constantly darting between mine and Twilight’s.
I hastily lunge off the bed, swiftly taking a few paces away from Twilight. I hold up my hands and furiously shake my head. “This seriously isn’t what you think it is!” I blurt, hoping that she isn’t even pondering on relaying this to Rarity, the all-knowing gossip queen of Ponyville.
Twilight follows suit, ungracefully leaping off the mattress and leaving the covers in a much disheveled state.
“Right, we were doing nothing suspicious at all!” I noticeably facepalm. Great going Twilight, like she’s going to be gullible enough to actually fall for that obvious lie (or mine, for that matter).
“I totally believe you guys,” Rainbow states in a monotonous tone, narrowing her eyes. “The unkempt bed, Twilight looking as if she’s about to collapse, and Daryl on top of her doing whatever the heck he was doing.
Yep, absolutely nothing suspicious is happening here. I think I’ll head out so you two can continue with… whatever this is.” She points her right hoof across the room to emphasize her point. Twilight magically holsters Rainbow by the tail before she can impulsively launch herself out the window she wonderfully decided to encroach us by.
“At least give us an opportunity to explain,” Twilight pleads, her continuously glowing horn signifying that she has no intent of letting the rainbow-maned pegasus escape quite yet.
Rainbow surprisingly backs down so much as without a fight. Twilight then releases her from her tough, resilient magical grip, but also slams the window snug and tight in the event that Rainbow chose to bail. It’s then that I note she’s also clinging onto the book I let her “borrow” last night. Could she be finished from cover to cover already?
“Okay, okay. I’ll hear your side of the story,” she reluctantly says, not concealing the fact that’s rolling her eyes. “I wonder how many excuses you guys can come up with.”
“Rainbow, trust me when I say that this was just simple massage,” I clarify. “No more, no less. Twilight did me a favor so I’m giving one in return. There was no funny business at all.”
The pegasus is unconvinced as she gives me a mock expression. “I can vouch for that, Rainbow,” Twilight adds. “If the two of us were ever romantically inclined like that, well I’d be sure to lock all the dang windows so ponies like you couldn’t barge in here whenever you feel it suits you. What I’m wondering is why you couldn’t come through the front door like a normal pony in the first place instead of through my bedroom window!”
“The front door was locked,” Rainbow promptly explains.
“Haven’t you ever heard of knocking?” Twilight says irritatingly, accenting the last word with an amount of force that would make any superhero jealous. Oh boy, somepony’s getting way beyond the point of simply being flustered.
I raise my voice before she can take it any further. “What Twilight is trying to say, is that there is a time and a place for everything. You two may be great friends, but you can’t always bust into other pony’s places like you own them. I mean this is the second time today that you barged in without—”
“Wait a second,” Twilight interrupts me. “What do you mean by second time?”
I halt in my tracks, trying to weigh my options. At this point in time, telling the librarian the whole story is most likely a horrid idea. How she ended up becoming so agitated in such little time is beyond me, but I figure it’s best to leave her be for a while so she can vent off some steam. “Disregard what I just said, it doesn’t matter,” I say, hoping to veer off course of the current subject. “What does matter is Rainbow’s reason for coming to the library in the first place.”
“I came here to talk to you,” she says, waving towards me, then to the novel encased in a golden spine. “Ya know, about these books and stuff.”
“Alright,” I concur, gesturing Rainbow to follow me. “Let’s discuss this somewhere else.” She nods in acknowledgement, floating swimmingly only a few feet away from where I stand. Before I close the door behind me, I briefly notice Twilight shake her head and collapse onto her bed. I can only pray that she isn’t too embarrassed about this little misinterpretation.
Ponyville is generally friendly town. Ponies tend to prefer the great beauty of the outdoor world rather than being confined in an enclosed space, only venturing inside to escape the vicious storms that the weather team tends to swoop in with from time to time. Conversations are abuzz as small fillies mingle and play silly games amongst each other. The market near the center of town is lively as ever as all three sub-species of ponies purchase and barter to their heart’s content. Being tall and lanky as I am tends to draw attention, but I can tell that the longer I stay here, the more I’m greeted with “Hello’s” rather than being shied away from.
Rainbow for once is cantering alongside me on the ground instead of her favored choice of staying airborne. I elect to carry the Daring Do novel so that Rainbow isn’t tasked of grasping it with her pearly-white teeth and causing her to mumble nothing but incompressible mumbo-jumbo instead of intelligent speech.
“I get it. You love pony Indiana Jones to no extent, but don’t you want try anything new for a change?” I voice, scratching the back of my neck due to an itch that’s been pestering me nonstop for the last few minutes.
“Of course not!” Rainbow exclaims. “Daring Do is the most cool, adventurous and awesome pony that’s ever lived since Equestria’s founding. There’s no author out there that can write a character that bests Daring.”
“Have you read anything besides Daring Do?” I ask sincerely.
“Well, no, but that’s not the point—”
“Yes, Dash, that has been my point all along,” I say, my legs starting to feel a tad fatigued. We pass by an unoccupied bench, and I fluidly rest myself upon it before it’s taken. Rainbow sits beside me, snatching the book out of my hands and examines the cover from top to bottom. “Look, I’m not forcing you to read something different, but will you please at least consider it?”
I receive a quizzical expression from the pegasus mare as she exhales softly. “Okay, so if I were to hypothetically suggest a book, what would you recommend?”
I give her a supporting smile, glad that she’s finally going through with this even if she won’t admit it herself. “Well, I haven’t had the chance to venture outside the Daring Do yet, but—”
“Are you serious?” she asks with utmost anger, drawing the attention of a few passersby. I wave them off, telling them that there’s nothing to worry about. “Why are you trying to get me to try something different when you haven’t done so yourself?”
“Because I’ve only been here for a little over two weeks, Dash,” I begin as a breeze wisps through my dirty blonde hair. “My knowledge on Equestrian literature is minuscule at best, but I actually began reading what you suggested, if you can remember. However, before I came here, I was a much more avid reader than you. Hell, I’d say I was into reading as much as Twilight.” She’s about to say something, but I cut her off and resume. “I loved to read because it helped deal with the stress and anxiety that held me down like a thousand ton dumbbell back home. The ability to hop into entirely different worlds and universes astounded me to no bounds, and I’ve read a countless amount of books crafted by a countless amount of talented individuals. My point is being that there’s no use being chained down to one place when there’s a multitude of others to explore and enjoy.”
“I understand,” Rainbow says, shifting her posture on the bench so that it’s easier to make eye contact. “Did you happen to bring any books from your world?”
I shake my head, unfortunately disappointing her. “Nothing but math and chemistry textbooks. Well, unless you want to be bored to death with a thousand pages of random formulas and equations that you will probably never use in your entire life, I’d suggest you try and find something a bit more exciting.”
“Then who do I go to, if you’ve got nothing for me?” she asks, clearly unable to decide for herself.
“There’s Twilight, the book worm of book worms for starters,” I reply, watching as a colt and a filly accidently get their colorful diamond kite stuck in a tree. Rainbow catches my gaze and spots the runaway kite. She elegantly lifts herself off the bench, spreading her slick wings to their full extent as she bounces into the sky, leaving a rainbow trail in her wake. She shoots off, untangling the kite as the wind picks up and guides it through the air.
“Thanks, Rainbow Dash!” a ruby-coated filly cheers, waving her hoof in appreciation to the athletic pegasus.
“No problem, kiddo!” Rainbow says, flying back to where I sit.
I hold out a fist, enticing Rainbow to pump a hoof in return (my first brohoof with anypony, mind you). “That was nice of you,” I note while Rainbow returns to her former seated position.
She grins with a slightly cocky attitude in return. “It’s the least I can do, ya know, since I’m Ponyville’s go-to pegasus for anything that involves high altitudes,” she says. “But let’s get back on topic… you said asking Twilight, right?” I nod my head in confirmation. “As much as I’d like to believe that she’d help, I’m a hundred-percent positive she will give me some complicated and long non-fiction book about the history of Manehatten that will be way over my head.”
“What about Rarity?”
“Rarity is into those icky, uptight romance novels,” she replies in mock disgust, almost as if the word “romance” tastes like acid on her tongue. “There’s no doubt she’d try to get me to read one of those lame things.”
“Pinkie Pie?”
“Nah, she’s too busy throwing parties, working full time at Sugar Cube Corner and babysitting the Cake twins. I bet she hasn’t touched a book since grade school.”
“Fluttershy?”
“Same as Rarity. She loves all that love gooiness that I can’t even stand.”
“Applejack?”
“Meh, we hardly ever see eye-to-eye on anything. While I bet she might have something up her sleeve, we’d probably get into some heated argument for no reason at all.”
“I see,” I hesitantly say, my measly memory unable to dish out the name of another pony for Rainbow to converse to. “Sorry, Rainbow, I can’t think of anyone else. The only suggestion I’ve got is to keep searching for something that piques your interest. I mean, there has to be some catalog, newspaper, or magazine you can subscribe to for starters. Out of the thousands of various books out there, there has to be at least a few that you’ll be pleased with.”
Rainbow’s lips remain unmoving, her tight gaze glancing between mine and the lifeless book resting beside the two of us. “Thanks for the advice,” she starts after a minute of not uttering a single word, “but I think I’ll just stick with my one and only favorite hero for now. I’m gonna catch you later, I’ve got weather duty to attend to today.” And with that, she evasively leaves me to my lone self as she gracefully takes off into the fluffy clouds drifting peacefully across the vast blue sky.
I cup my semi-sore hands so that my head may rest itself on top of them. I promise myself that one way or another, I’ll come up with a plan to convince her to give up her chronic stubbornness. I have to remind myself not to take anything too far, just in the case she decides to give me swift kick in the privates for irritating her.
As for now, my hand quickly returns to the back of my neck to desperately scratch the relenting itch that simply will not stop bugging the hell out me.
My stomach growls with enormous intensity. The fairly small breakfast that has been fueling me for the morning and into the afternoon has already run to dangerously low Red Alert levels. Dismissing my body’s constant messages signaling that I am in need of a meal, I awkwardly heave one of Twilight’s light blue saddlebags adorned with a replica star as the one on her Cutie Mark in the direction of a lively cottage near the outskirts of town.
Snuggly lying within the bag (obviously not manufactured for a bipedal) are every single Daring Do I could scavenge in the general area (including the few at the local hospital). Fortunately for me, Rainbow Dash also forgot about the very novel we were previously discussing about on the bench for me to swipe.
A plethora of assorted critters and animals roam all around me. Not one attempts to shy away or speedily dart into nearby foliage and greenery. Why they don’t do so is beyond me, but I trudge onwards nonetheless. I set the bag aside as I distinctly knock on the rounded door three times. “Fluttershy?” I call in effort to grab her attention. I patiently wait for a minute as no reply comes. I try again, knocking on the door another three separate times, albeit more rowdy the second time around. “Fluttershy?” I holler. Again, not a single peep can be heard from inside.
Deciding that the butterscotch pegasus is unfortunately away from home, I pick up the bags and prepare to turn away when I distinguish the sound of a brief click of someone undoing a lock. The entrance to cottage briskly swings open, and Fluttershy steps out, sunlight shining against her cuddly coat. “I’m sorry I couldn’t answer the door sooner, Daryl,” she apologizes. “I’m afraid that Angel was having another fit and I was trying to get him to calm down. What brings you out here?”
I wordlessly hand the saddlebag to Fluttershy, who reluctantly accepts it with a confused expression. “Keep this somewhere hidden,” I explain to her, continuing to receive skeptical looks from the shy mare. “Do not open the bag to see the contents inside for any reason whatsoever. Do not whisper even a single syllable about this to anyone. I just want these kept safe and hidden for a short time.”
Fluttershy glances towards the bag, then back towards me. “What’s the magic word?” she inquires in a sweet and angelic tone, batting her eyelids multiple times.
“Please?” I reply, smiling widely.
“Of course. I’ll be happy to hide this as long as you do something in favor for me in return.”
Oh God, please no massages, please no massages, please no massages, the voice inside my head continues to repeat like a broken record. “Name it,” I say firmly, though my fingers are crossed behind my back where she’s unable to see.
Fluttershy brings a hoof to her chin, pondering deeply while the muscles making up my smile start to twitch irregularly. “I’ll be sure to tell you when I think of something,” she eventually says.
“Thanks, Fluttershy,” I say, beginning to take a few strides down the path.
“You’re welcome!”
As my worn-out sneakers trudge against the dirt road, I constantly mumble under my breath, “For the love of Christ, please no massages.”
“That’s honestly your totally villainous and evil plan?” Twilight laughs at me. “Hide the books and hope she dies of boredom?”
“That is correct, Miss Sparkle,” I snort menacingly, twirling an invisible mustache that would make Pinkie Pie proud to no bounds. “And when she inevitably returns to the one and only place she can come to find her beloved novels, I shall execute my devious trap that she will never be to escape from!” I laugh intimidatingly, praying that electric blue lightning bolts would shoot back and forth in the background. A man can only hope for so much, however.
“You know that Rainbow Dash is one of the fastest flyers in Equestria, right?” Twilight asks. Before I realize the glaringly enormous gap in my plan and can point it out, she does so for me anyways. “If she wanted to, she could make a short trip to Cloudsdale and be back within a couple of hours, assuming that she doesn’t stop for any sightseeing or visits with old friends.”
“I did not think of that,” I facepalm. “I guess I’ll just have faith in that she won’t resort to anything of the sort. But don’t forget that if she does make a trek to another town to borrow one of those books, she’ll eventually have to return it. That means two full trips to wherever she goes and back. Let’s not kid ourselves—Dash is way too lazy to bring herself to do that.”
“I have to agree with you on that,” Twilight says. “It’s still a clear and present possibility nonetheless.”
As we’re about to continue with our conversation, my ears pick up increasingly loud knocks pounding against the front door. “Now I wonder who that could be,” I smirk nefariously, rubbing my hands together like a cliché villain from a bad movie. Twilight follows me to the door, where I hurriedly swing it open.
As I expected, Rainbow Dash is waiting patiently with a nervous expression plastered across her face. “Uh, hi, Daryl and Twilight,” Rainbow nearly stutters. “Did either of you happen to see a Daring Do novel lying around somewhere? I’m pretty sure that I… uh, forgot where I left it.”
“Sorry, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight says, a sly wink coming in my direction. “I’m afraid that I haven’t seen it since this morning.”
Rainbow’s face brightens up. “Okay. Where is it then?” she asks, her tone becoming optimistic.
“Grasped between your hooves when you busted into my bedroom,” Twilight deadpans, still sounding irritated from the whole incident.
Rainbow’s head droops, her ears collapsing downwards as well. It’s almost as if she’s attempting to impersonate a sad puppy dog. “Alright. Sorry, Twi’, that I lost your book.” she dismally apologizes.
“It’s perfectly fine,” Twilight says, placing a hoof on the back of Rainbow’s slender neck to comfort her. “Everypony loses things every now and then. I’m sure that I can simply order a new one to replace it in no time.”
“Really?” Rainbow says, slightly perking up.
“Really,” Twilight gladly says.
“You wouldn’t mind if I checked out another one then, ya know, to redeem your trust for me?” Rainbow asks.
“Of course not, come on in,” Twilight replies, gesturing her into the cozy warmth of the library. I remove myself from the doorway so I wouldn’t be an obstruction in their path. The two ponies calmly trot inside as I mildly secure the door behind them. At once, Rainbow moves herself to the general area of where the fictional adventure books were neatly organized. The library is arranged in way that orders to genre, and from there, something similar to the Dewey Decimal System, almost identical to the way libraries were systematized on Earth save for a few plain differences.
Both of them exchange a few words but then part a few seconds afterwards. As Rainbow’s busy searching for another installment of her absolute favorite (and only read) series, Twilight again canters to my side.
“Even though I don’t agree with your plan,” she whispers, “I do see you’re what you’re trying to do. I offered to find some books that I thought she’d love just as much as Daring Do, but she outright rejected my help although it was done subtly.”
“She was convinced that you’d suggest some dull history book or something of the like,” I inform, matching her volume of tone.
Twilight is somewhat shocked. “Actually, I do understand why she would believe that,” she remarks. “But it’s not like the only thing I enjoy. I do happen to share Rainbow’s love of thrilling adventure novels. Just off the top of my head I know over twenty different amazing novel series.”
“Such as?” I inquire, motioning my hands for her to resume.
“Well, there’s Mareagon, Unicorn’s Apprentice, Lord of the Elements, and The Crystal Games. Those are just my favorites. There are many others that I thoroughly delight in, but each of the worlds that I mentioned is all crafted beautifully and expertly in my opinion,” Twilight explains quietly.
“Well, looks like I know what I’m diving into next. Thanks for the suggestions,” I say softly, with Twilight beaming in reply.
“Ugh, where are they?!” Rainbow exclaims vociferously, throwing her hooves up into the air. “I can’t find them anywhere!”
“Uh, just keep checking, I’m sure that they’re somewhere!” Twilight shouts back.
“Very helpful, Twilight!” Rainbow sneers. “I thought you knew your way around here like the back of your hoof!”
“I’m gonna go help her,” Twilight says, placing air quotes around the word “help”. “You need to get ready for work. I’m positive that you have to leave in a half-hour.”
My eyes widen in realization. “Oh shit, you’re right. Thanks for reminding me.” I proceed to trudge up the stairs to prepare for what I’m suspecting to be another long and bloody night.
A few days have passed since my confrontation with Rainbow Dash. I haven’t had the opportunity to meet rainbow-maned pegasus since then, but I’ve been assuming that she’s suddenly become Daring Do herself by frantically searching all over Ponyville for clues to how all the books of her hero mysteriously vanished into thin air, as I’ve noticed glimpses of a multicolored blur hastily dashing in a zigzag formation throughout town several times.
My heart beats at an increased pace as my legs groan in agony while I jog along the outskirts of town. I’ve never been one for exercising, but as the weeks drag on, I find myself without things to keep my mind engaged. The antagonizing fact that there’s zilch electronics in the land of Equestria has been quite difficult for me to become accustomed to, forcing me to find more creative ways to keep myself from becoming bored. Getting in shape was one of the first things I started working towards, and I’ve made myself either run or walk for at least a few miles per day. I receive odd and indifferent expressions as I create a path around town. A few ponies have informed me that there is a track that lies barren and unused. However, I find that running in a small circle thirty times isn’t nearly as fun as running around in a much grander circle three times. It means more landmarks to see, and less chance of getting annoyed by the same repetitive sights.
I collapse against the cool shade of a large, green tree, the short grass underneath tickling my smooth skin. My chest rhythmically rises and falls as I gasp for oxygen. Sweat covers my body, and I’m berating myself for not deciding to carry water with me to day. I lick my dried lips with a tiny quantity of saliva in hopes of getting them moist, but they remain as baked as the Sahara Desert. Wiping my forehead, I rest my tired back against the trunk of the tree that’s graciously providing me shelter from the torrid heat of the glowing, yellow sun.
My eyes gently shut, encasing my vision in total darkness. “I wish I had some water,” I say in between periodic breaths. Somehow, someway, my wish comes true, but not in the way I wanted it to. Without warning, heavy rain begins to pour, completely drenching both my hair and my clothes. My gaze glances up to see that a gargantuan, dark grey cloud has materialized over my head. I immediately shoot onto my feet and start to scamper aimlessly to find a way to escape the rain.
The cloud mimics my every movement with extreme precision. No matter how rapid I force my legs to move despite their objections to take another step, I cannot get away. Wait a second… this can only be the work of certain weather pegasus…
“Rainbow Dash! What the hell?!” I holler as loud as I can, using my arms as a makeshift umbrella. “This isn’t funny!”
The downpour comes to an abrupt halt, and the cloud that looms fifty feet above the ground quickly poofs out of existence. Rainbow glides to me as I take my white t-shirt off, twisting it to wring the water out of the cotton. “What was that all about?” I demand, making sure I sounded as angry as I could be.
“I think you know,” she says menacingly, her eyes squinting as she folds her arms.
“No, I honestly don’t,” I deny, shaking my head rapidly, causing water to spray in all directions.
“Where are they?” Rainbow interrogates, coming eye level with me.
I look at her quizzically. “Where are who?” I ask, feigning ignorance. “I’m not holding anyone hostage, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Stop joking around, I know that you’ve hidden them somewhere,” she says, lightly poking my torso with an amount of force that feels like a punch from Rocky Balboa.
“I’ve hidden what? A person, place, or thing?” I ask, trying my best not to burst into laughter. “Look, as much as I love games, I’m not in the mood for Twenty Questions at the moment. But, if you happen to have a towel or something I can dry myself off with, I’ll agree to join.”
“Tell me where the Daring Do novels are, you knucklehead!”
“I don’t know where they are.”
“Likely story.”
“I seriously don’t know. Didn’t Twilight help you find them the other day?”
“No. We couldn’t find them.”
“Oh… I honestly didn’t know.”
“Then what were you doing with Twilight’s saddlebags the other day?”
“What do you mean?”
“Flitter and Cloud Chaser told me that they saw you carrying Twilight’s saddlebags somewhere. And that they were also pretty darn full. What were in those bags?”
Without any hesitation, I answer, “I was on an errand for Fluttershy. I was purchasing food for her animals friends at the market.”
“Oh, really?” she asks. “So if I went to Fluttershy’s cottage right now, she could personally clarify that you were running errands for her as a favor.”
I pause in my tracks. I want to say yes, but the lingering feeling of doubt that Fluttershy might cave in and explain to Rainbow everything was there nagging at me, therefore crushing the very thing that I was trying to accomplish. So, after a brief time of remaining dead silent, I half-heartedly reply, “No.”
“Ah-ha!” Rainbow shouts, pointing a hoof at me. “So it was you then.”
“Yes.”
“Then tell me where they are, and nopony gets hurt,” Rainbow threatens, beginning to crack bones on random parts of her body to make herself seem more tough and intimidating, though it only causes me to raise an eyebrow incredulously.
“How about no,” I refuse.
Rainbow lands on the ground and balances herself on her hind legs. She shuffles on the grass, taking a few stabs and right hooks at the air, although I do have to give her credit for staying so nimble on two legs when she’s originally a quadruped. “C’mon!” she challenges. “If you’re not gonna tell me where they are, then I’m gonna have to beat it out of you!”
“Rainbow, I am not participating in any tussles, scuffles, brawls, wrangles, clashes, skirmishes, or any other forms of fighting,” I say, surprising even myself with my vast vocabulary. “Just try something new, and I’ll promise to return every last one of the Daring Do novels to the library as soon as I possibly can.”
“I’ll never give in!” Rainbow states heroically, continuing to jab at an invisible punching bag.
With ludicrous speed, I shoot my hands out, grasping her arms. I try to hoist her to the ground, but she effortlessly shakes me off and resumes her imaginary fight. I sigh, putting my damp t-shirt (from both the water and my sweat) back over my upper body. “Rainbow, I honestly don’t have time for this,” I assert, using all my brain power to force my legs to begin moving in the direction of my temporary home.
“Alright, I’ll let you go for now,” Rainbow huffs, changing from the ground to airborne in an instant. “However, you ought to know that you’re dealing with the Prank King of Ponyville. I will not relent until I get those books back.”
I ignore her, taking as big of strides as I can muster.
If only I knew what I was getting myself into.
My eyes slowly ease open as the morning sun shines pillars of light through the windows. Today marks my third week since my arrival in Equestria. As each day drags on, I progressively find myself more homesick than the previous. I’ve been keeping these feelings at bay for some time now, but I’m dreading the day that I might snap.
What do my friends and family think of me?
Dead? Missing? Kidnapped? Runaway?
I mentally drive these awful thoughts away, lifting myself off my comfortable (and slightly small) bed. I notice that both Twilight and Spike are still sound asleep, snoring contently and peacefully. I merrily smile at the pleasant image, tiptoeing my way towards the bathroom when I catch something out of place through my peripheral vision. There’s a white substance spread all over my bed, resembling something similar to either cocaine or powdered sugar.
My back suddenly erupts with itches and burns like dozens of red ants are simultaneously biting and crawling all over my skin. “Son of a bitch!” I yelp, instantly forcing both Twilight and Spike out of their undisturbed slumber and awake like they had twelve cups of coffee back to back.
“Are the griffins invading?” Spike asks out of the blue, covering himself with his warm blanket. “Is it a zombie pony virus? What’s going on?”
“Daryl, your back is all red!” Twilight analyzes while I helplessly scratch the numerous itches furiously.
“I see that!” I say. “Something’s all over my bed! I don’t know what it is!”
“So there’s no impeding Armageddon that’s going to doom us all?” Spike asks.
“No!” both Twilight and I shout in unison. Twilight shuffles off her bed, her sheets scattering all over the room. She examines the substance from up close, even experimentally tasting a small portion of it with her tongue.
“It’s itching powder,” Twilight states, her view turning towards me. “How did this get all over your bed?”
“That’s what I’d like to know!” I sprawl myself on the floor, rubbing and scratching as hard as I conceivably can. The itches are merciless and rigorous, and I cannot bear it for a moment longer. “You got any spells up your sleeve, Twilight?”
“Not that I know of, though I’m sure there might be something in the library to show how to relieve itching. Give me fifteen minutes, and I’ll have a spell set up for you,” Twilight says, rushing downstairs.
“Gah, fifteen minutes is too long!” I yell. “This stuff is killing me!”
“I’ll work as fast as I can! Don’t worry!” Twilight calls, the sound of dozens of books slamming on the wooden floorboards apparent even to us upstairs.
“It’s not contagious, is it?” Spike hesitantly asks.
“Only if you decide to roll around in my bed!” I reply, rolling oddly across the floor myself.
“Got it,” Spike acknowledges. “It’s a good thing I never go anywhere near there. No offense, dude, but you get some pretty bad B.O. sometimes. I can only imagine what you bed smells like.”
“Thanks for the information!” I say sarcastically. “I’ll be sure to take four showers a day from now on!” Upon the word “shower” leaving my lips, I hop onto my feet and dart to bathroom faster than Usian Bolt in the one-hundred meter dash. I throw the rest of my clothes off, barely managing myself not to rip them right off instead. I twist the knobs that control the flow and temperature of the water and hastily crawl inside the pristine bathtub. The chilly water pounds against my back, partially providing me with a small amount of relief. However, the feeling of water drenching my naked form triggers a memory from a couple days ago.
“Goddammit, Rainbow Dash!” I curse, beginning to scratch my back with my chewed fingernails once again.
War. War never changes.
My target is in sight. My attention is locked onto her and nothing else. I spy on her, hidden behind a shrubbery with a pair of binoculars adorned with camouflage gear generously lent to me by the fashionista of Ponyville. The explosive device is gripped tightly in my hand.
“Pink Panther, this is the Inspector. Do you copy, over?” I say roughly into the walkie-talkie, my eyes not drifting off from the target for even a brief second.
“You’re crystal clear, Inspector. This is Pink Panther. The target it approximately fifty meters east-south-east of my position, over,” a bubbly yet serious voice comes in reply.
“Roger that,” I acknowledge. “Your mission is to create a diversion to pull the target’s attention away from her meal while I plant the explosives inside the target’s lunch. I’ll need thirty seconds to complete my objective, give or take ten, over.”
“Mission understood, Inspector,” Pink Panther says. “When do we begin? Over.”
“The moment the clock strikes twelve, over,” I say. Doing quick simple calculations in my head, I figure that we have about two full minutes until noon.
“Copy that. Pink Panther, out,” the voice on the other end says, ending the briefing for our mission. I noiselessly lie on my stomach with the patience of a stone. There is no wind, no breeze, no nothing. The target sits alone. No obstacles block the path between me and my objective. It’s almost as if the world has come to a sudden standstill, time unmoving and everything frozen in space.
Tick, tock, goes the clock.
A miniature, hot pink mushroom cloud implodes in the distance, immediately causing the target to leave the table and proceed to investigate the source of the unexpected explosion. Taking this as my cue, I launch out of the bush like a rocket, sprinting faster than the speed of sound. As I approach the objective, it’s as if time is moving in slow-motion. Feeling like a bomb expert, I plant the device inside the target’s food, and turn to my original hiding spot as speedily as I can.
The familiar sanctity of my clever cover place relieves me greatly. I count to a hundred and then flip the switch on my radio. “Pink Panther, this is the Inspector. My objective is complete. I repeat, my objective is complete, over.”
“Acknowledged, Inspector. My objective is complete as well. The target is returning to her lunch, over,” Pink Panther updates me. I pull out my binoculars, increasing the zoom. As my co-conspirator has relayed, the target has been seated on a bright purple cushion in the same position she was before. The target grabs her food and takes the absolute largest bite into her food I’ve ever seen her make. She chews contently for a few brief moments, then starts to slow the movements in her jaw. She sluggishly swallows her food with a skeptical look garnished on her face. Then, the explosives detonate. Her entire complexion turns a dark maroon shade as steam begins to flare out both her nostrils and her ears like a steam engine. She chugs the water on the table down her throat in a matter of milliseconds, but it’s clearly not enough. The target makes a complete three-sixty, desperately searching for a liquid to relieve what feels like lava pouring out of her mouth.
I attempt to stifle my laughter, but a few chuckles escape my lips. “Pink Panther, mission accomplished.”
On the day of my counterattack, Rainbow Dash officially declared war on my sovereign nation of Daryltopia, and vice versa. The affiliates were just me and her, with either Pinkie Pie or the Cutie Mark Crusaders joining either of our sides every now and then. Let’s just say that my life was a living hell from that point onward over the course of the next week. Fortunately, Rainbow Dash was smart enough not to do anything to sabotage my work, because she already understood how important it was for me to start putting money in the bank. Other than that, I was vulnerable for an attack at a moment’s notice.
Whether it was assaulting me with balloons filled with paint, shooting a lightning bolt only a few feet behind me, Tasering me with a modified joy buzzer, or even drawing her Cutie Mark on my back with permanent ink in the middle of my sleep, there was no showing of relent from her side of the playing field.
Of course, I retaliated with a few pranks of my own. My best one was dressing up as the Slenderman using a suit and fabrics which I purchased from Rarity. I convinced Twilight to perform a cloud walking spell on me and even Fluttershy to help fly me to Rainbow’s home. I ended up scaring the living daylights out of the unsuspecting mare, but left with a few fresh bruises all over my chest and stomach. It was totally worth it, however.
Unfortunately I knew that I couldn’t keep up with her for much longer. Not to mention it was creating a noticeable decrease in my performing ability at Lucky’s because I was more focused on double and even triple-checking my surroundings for an incoming attack. There was even one night where I was one-hundred percent convinced that a guest was Rainbow Dash with some sort of body paint and dyed mane. Apparently, her name was Lightning Dust and she was in Ponyville visiting her partner from the Wonderbolt Academy. Damn, I couldn’t believe that I completely forgot about her, but the two bared such a close resemblance that I did a few stupid (and unmentionable) things in attempt to prove that she was Rainbow Dash.
So, here I am in the present, returning all the Daring Do novels back to their rightful owners. Even though at first I joined the prank war because I believed I could beat Dash and assure her that it’s okay to try something new, it became much more personal as time went along. Every prank she pulled on me, I made sure to retaliate with one twice as devious as the one before. I don’t know if I did it for the excitement, the adrenaline rush, or for the revenge. Whatever I conclude it really was, I am now a firm believer in Karma being a complete and total bitch.
I toss the saddlebag onto the floor, spilling its contents all over the floor. Proceeding to neatly organize the books in order of their number in the series, I stack them horizontally across the bare space where they initially were. There was even a small spider that had taken residence in the past week where the novels were supposed to be. Overcoming my abysmal fear of arachnids, I manage to usher the spider to another location in the library so that I wouldn’t unwillingly have to squash it with a two pound book.
“Hey, Daryl?” a voice calls out from the main lobby, slightly cracking. “You in here?”
“Over here, Rainbow,” I say, waving to her.
The pegasus shifts in place uncomfortably as I enter the same room. “You wanted to see me?” she asks uncertainly. My eyes fasten onto hers, and we share an awkward silence as we both try to puzzle together what the other was thinking. Reaching into my back pocket, I pull out a milky white handkerchief and offer it to the pony standing directly in front of me. “What’s this?” she questions, not even lifting a hoof to take it.
“I’m resigning to you. Normally, us humans wave a white flag to signal surrender, so this is the closest thing I could think of,” I sigh, gesturing for a second time for her to accept it. She does so eventually, swiping it from my hands and inspecting it from corner to corner, obviously expecting that I sabotaged it with some sort of trap. Once she realizes it’s clean and free of booby-traps, she sets it gently on a table.
“Uh… thanks, I guess,” she utters under her breath, unsure of what to say.
I shake my head. “You never ‘thank’ the opposing side for surrendering,” I solemnly state, partially to myself but still loud enough for her to hear. “Anyway, I’m throwing in the towel because this has gotten much past the point of simply being some silly game with us lightly exchanging blows. I don’t know about you, but I’m honestly tired of the whole mess, and I don’t want us to ruin our slowly building friendship over this impasse of us going back and forth with pranks. I think we’ve both seen how much we get into this, and either way, one of us is going to end up hurt.” I pause, pointing towards the handkerchief. “Thus, I’m surrendering and hope that we can be done with this. I’ve returned all the books where they belong, and you can borrow them at any time.”
Finishing my speech, I start to head for the elevation of stairs. Both my mind and body need some rest, and I’m planning on spending most of my free time resting for the next few days. “Daryl, wait,” Rainbow says, delicately tugging me on the shoulder. I turn to face her, but her eyes are locked onto my feet. “I just need to tell you that I’m sorry too.”
“Are you sure, Rainbow?” I ask skeptically. “I’m kind of the one who started this mess in the first place. If anything, I’m the one at fault here.”
“Yeah, I’m sure,” Rainbow says, chuckling a bit. “I’ll admit that I went a bit too far on some of my pranks.” She halts her speech for a moment, not positive where to go next. “How’s my Cutie Mark been so far? Do ya like it?”
“Zecora’s looking for a way to get this stupid ink off my skin. In the meantime, you’ll technically be a part of me wherever I go,” I sigh. “And I’m still trying to figure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.”
Rainbow chortles, her voice noticeably cracking again. “It’s definitely a good thing. I mean, who wouldn’t want the Cutie Mark of the coolest, most awesome pegasus around?”
“Well, me for starters,” I say. “It’s fortunate that I wear clothes all the time, or else ponies might start to think that I’m trying to imply something.”
“Such as?” Rainbow asks, motioning with her hoof for me to continue on.
My eyes nearly double in size. “Never mind. You really don’t want to know.”
“Okay, then,” the pegasus says, backing off. “Since I’m already here… Do you want to, I dunno, hang out?”
“Yeah, I’ve got time to kill now that I’m not plotting another villainous plot,” I say.
Rainbow gives me a grin. “Do you have anything mind?” she asks.
I stroke my chin, pondering in deep thought. Maybe, just maybe, I may have one more chance to finally accomplish what I’ve been trying to do since over a week ago. “I’ve got an idea,” I say, Rainbow’s ears perking up to hear what I have to say. “We both like to read, so why don’t we do so together? I read one chapter aloud, and you the next. We’ll alternate back and forth until we finish or our throats are searing in pain from speaking for so long. Sound good?”
“And I can choose any book I want?” Rainbow asks.
“Not necessarily. You may pick anything except Daring Do.” Before Rainbow can voice any objections, I quickly cut her off and resume. “We’ll read the first few chapters. If you truly do not like it, then yes, we can then read all the Daring Do novels that you like.”
Rainbow closes her eyes, her mental state clearly engaged in some sort of epic battle. She remains this way for a few minutes, then (thankfully) says, “You’ve got yourself a deal, monkey boy.”
“Monkey boy?” I laugh heartily. “That one’s new.”
“I’ve got a whole list of them, two-legs.”
“Of course you do,” I say, selecting a book dubbed The Crystal Games from the shelf. I dash to the basement, grabbing two large, comfy cushions and hauling them back up the stairs. Tossing them both onto the floor, I gesture Rainbow to make herself at home. She complies, performing an acrobatic front flip and landing professionally on the oversized pillow. I follow suit, plopping myself onto the second most cushy object I’ve ever rested on (right after Rainbow’s cloud home).
Opening to the first page of the book, I begin reading the first few lines. I glance at Rainbow – who’s already fascinated after the first few sentences. The narrator depicts a battle of great proportions, with ponies on both sides suffering great losses. Rainbow is on edge as her ears are eager for word after word, paragraph after paragraph, page after page. Expressing her delight, she immediately grabs the book right out of my hands once I mention it’s the end of the first chapter and continues where I left off.
“You like it that much?” I ask with a hint of curiosity.
“To be honest, I can’t believe that you were right,” Rainbow states. “This is just as amazing as Daring Do… To tell you the truth, the reason I never wanted to try anything new was because I thought that nothing could live up to her expectations and that I’d be disappointed in anything else that I tried. I wish I realized that it’s good to try something new for a change.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all along,” I happily say.
“I’m still going to get you back for breaking into my house in that scary costume, though,” she threatens, but then resumes reading like nothing ever happened.
Oh, boy. Here we go.
End.
