Super Sick Sacks of Succulent, Seared, Sausage
It had been ten months since Flarp had visited Tootsie Pop Land, and everyday he wondered "I wonder if ponies' biceps are made of Twizzlers?" As the question grew on him like a vine in the Viridian Forest over the months, he had now decided that it was enough. He looked to Nicolas Cage with his handsome face.
"...You're going back, aren't you?" Nic asked.
"Flarp." Flarp graciously responded.
"That's what I thought. Well, I can't stop you, so go on ahead. I'll take care of the Audino slaves again."
Flarp nodded, and as he did, three kangaroos exploded into a mushy pile of applesauce in Iceland. He then began to conjure a portal out of Dinkleberg tears, but stopped in the middle of the conjuration and thought about his action. No. Portals are overrated. Instead, he summoned the Magic Schoolbus and attached titanium rocket jets onto it. He then blasted off into space, traveling across the galaxy to the magical world of Tootsie Pop Land.
Tootsie Pop Land finally came into view for Flarp, and he was coming in hot. I mean, he's super totes hot already, but the intense speed made him hotter. He was going so fast, in fact, that the Bowser forgot to indent this paragraph. Flarp decided not to land the Magic Schoolbus, but rather jump out of it, and he did just that. A mile off the ground of Ponyville, he jumped out of the bus, pulling a parachute made out of Bruce Wayne's loin cloths and landed in the middle of Town Square once again. As soon as he landed, ponies swarmed him.
"Our hero returns!" Lyra Heartstrings cheered. Soon, the rest of the pony swarm began to cheer as well. Lyra began to breathe heavily. "Oh, great Flarp! What brings you to our soddy little planet once more!?"
"Flarp." Flarp said with a wink even though his eyes are always closed. Lyra then sqealed, melted into peppermint, and died.
Flarp then began to use his magic tail of pixie magic to cast a spell. Suddenly, the deceased mane six began to appear beside him... except for Rarity, because nobody likes Rarity. To compensate for Rarity, Flarp summoned JonTron.
"Jon. Where are we?" Jaques asked.
"HEUGH!" Jon grunted. Twilight looked at Flarp.
"Oh, Flarp! You're back, and you've revived us! Oh, however can we repay you?" She asked with beaming eyes.
"Flarp." Flarp sexily responded.
"Dear Flarp, you are so gracious." Fluttershy said, her ears twitching like Herbert Hoover on a Friday morning.
Suddenly, though, all went rainbow and Discord appeared because he broke free lol. He laughed and pointed at Flarp, who did nothing but stare back.
"Hahaha! Flarp the Dunsparce it is! So, you're here to become the Alicorn princess, are you? Well, then, as the villainous villainy villain, I am here to screw up my plans and lose! Hahaha! If you so dare, find me at the Canterlot Castle where I will be villaining up the place!"
"HEUGH!" Jon grunted.
"Jon's right, Flarp. We need to chase after him!" Rainbow Dash exploited.
"Flarp." Flarp agreed. Rainbow Dash's eyes then melted into slag and she turned into a giant candy cane. It must have been Discord's doing (lolno). Flarp then headed off to Canterlot with his remaining comrades.
"HEUGH!" Jon coughed.
They took the train to Canterlot because they could but the engineer turned out to be Marcellus Wallace so they killed him and made it to Canterlot. The place was in ruins and chicken tenders roamed the chocolate skies. A showdown was to take place here, and Flarp knew it. He knew it by the sound of grape vines oozing their rusty, bulging ducks out of their eardrums.
Candy canes fell out of the skies as Zeus made a battlefield for Discord and Flarp's gang by pelvic thrusting across South Africa. Discord then appeared.
"Discord! Beware, for we're going to defeat you!" Twilight roared as she butt-scooted around in circles on the floor. Discord immediately zap-boom-deaded Twilight with a giant cotton candy gun. Everyone else melted into slag and died... again. Flarp did nothing.
"Haha! You are no match for me, Flarp! I have defeated all your allies but not you, and by the villainous book of villains, that means I must be the destined king of this petty world!" Discord monologued. The evil-shmeivel draconathingy moonwalked over to a chair and sat in it, and when he did, it excerpted a Wilhelm scream.
"It's over for you, Flarp!" Discord roared. "the end of your heroic deeds ends now!"
Flarp was frozen; unmoving at the sound of Teddy Grams dancing the Russian Roulette on the head of Bill Clinton. It appeared to be all over for out fantastic little land-snake-guy-thing... that is until he heard it. Music. It erupted loudly from poor quality speakers and an Iphone plunged from the sky. It was Sonic the Hedgehog.
Thunder struck and lightning roared as Sonic the Hedgehog face-kicked Discord across the entire planet. The kick was so powerful that Flarp actually moved three and a half millimeters.
"Sorry I'm late, ol' chap. How've you been all these months?" Sonic asked badassly
"Flarp."
"Good." Sonic said as he booted up a cigarette app. "Let's rock this guy's ass and send him to Hell."
Discord came shooting in from the other side and landed violently on the ground, bruised and bleeding. He then looked up, and what he saw he could barely comprehend. Sonic and Flarp leaped in the air and were ready to stomp Discord into oblivion. The landed on him, crunching his face into the ground. The impact of the blow was so fierce that Discord turned into Neil Armstrong and chicken strutted all the way to Poland and became dead.
Sonic the Hedgehog had barely survived the impact, though. He laid on the ground with a cracked screen and 2% battery.
"Flarp..." he muttered. "...Tell my kids that I love them."
Flarp stood in the middle of the battlefield with not a scratch on his body. Everybody around him was dead, and he just stood there badassly, emotionless as your average First-Person-Shooter main character. Suddenly, Princess Celestia appeared in a flash of chicken pox and fell down to Flarp with a smile on her face.
"Flarp! You have, once again, saved Equestria. Please, accept the gift of becoming Princess of Equestria!"
"Flarp." Flarp amazingly responded.
"OHH!" Celestia moaned as her eargasm overtook her. Flarp then suddenly grew a magic horn and a crown fell on his head. Next thing he knew, he was at a celebration, being worshiped by thousands of ponies.
"All hail Princess Flarp!" They cheered.
"Flarp," Celestia began, "do you have any words for your new followers?"
Flarp shifted his head slowly to the left, and then slowly to the right. The ponies were leaning in, awaiting the first words from their new princess.
"...Flarp."
Then everything turned into sawdust and Equestria was saved.
