The Terminal Adventures of Doctor Cancer
But Now He Rules Your Anus
Harold Goldfarb was just your average psychotic super villain, until he was sent to another dimension by the evil Perplexo, a half man half eighteen wheeler semi truck. Now he's got to save Equestria, by giving kids cancer.
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Chapter 1
Harold Goldfarb was standing in his titanium lair, staring down at the bustling metropolis that was 9/11 City. He used to rule this world, seas would rise when he gave the word! Now, a bunch of Muslim terrorists kept trying to tell him this was offensive in one way or another. Honestly it didn’t make much sense to him.
Sitting down on his giant throne made of dicks, gifted to him by his childhood sweetheart Adolf Hitler, he sighed, reminiscing about days gone by. Where had he gone wrong? Where was life taking him? He had always wanted to be a dancer, yet here he was, the world’s most powerful super villain. Or at least he was, nowadays he wasn’t even sure he could be classified as a regular villain.
It wasn’t like he didn’t try. Quite the contrary, he killed people, destroyed buildings, raped children, all of the classic evil deeds he could think of. Maybe he wasn’t so great, after all, if some punks can take a gun to a school and get the front page, but he can give millions of African children HIV and no one bats an eye, well then what’s the point? Maybe what he needed wasn’t mass destruction...maybe he just needed a nemesis.
Harold stood up. He felt reinvigorated, but who would fit the ticket. He knew that no one on Earth could possibly oppose him, he was far too powerful. How could he get a nemesis then?
Suddenly Harold got an idea, a wonderful idea, an awful idea. Harold got a wonderful-awful idea.
So he gathered an assortment of chemicals and said,
“If I can’t FIND a nemesis, then I’ll make one instead.”
So he poured the chemicals together, and made chocolate milk. Then he drank it and went into his lab. He turned on the various computers that lined the walls of the rooms and they all filled it with a symphony of beautiful beeps and buzzes. He pulled a lever on a large cylindrical glass case. It had a tube on the top that connected it to a vast collection of test tubes and Bunsen burners.
He poured water, potassium, and phosphorous as well as other assorted chemicals into one of the test tubes. He wrote “niggers be trippin” on the inside of one of the test tube, the reason for such an action escaped him at the moment, but for now he would let it slide, he hated niggers anyway. Well except Joseph Kony, that man was practically a god to him.
He twisted a knob on one of his Bunsen burners, and instantly a huge flame engulfed the test tube, the contents of which began to bubble and boil. He knew that human formula simply would not be enough for his superpowered foe, so he ran outside to procure some delicious DNA.
Once outside his diabolical domicile, Harold scanned the area for the perfect specimen. He pulled out his trusty Detectinator, a made up device that doesn’t really exist. It was basically a dustpan with a screen protector taped on the back.
This did little to kinder Harold’s spirit however, as he made beeping sounds with his mouth and began to pretend that his Detectinator was a functional device. He began to walk straight ahead, paying no mind to his surroundings, surroundings that were unknown to him. This was problematic, because unbeknownst to our daring hero he was in the middle of a highway.
Harold stopped beeping and looked around, satisfied with where his Detectinator had lead him. This was the perfect place to find samples for his creation, he just knew it.
Our sexy and slippery main character heard a loud sound with his delicious, moist ears. Naturally his instinct was to turn his head in the direction of the noise, and so he did just that. It turned out that the audible onslaught was a large eighteen wheeler semi-truck that was barreling towards him at frightening speeds. Harold scoffed, no matter, he simply pulled out his holocaust gun and aimed it at the massive metallic menace. He laughed and pulled the trigger, and a huge pulse of pure mustard gas shot out of the barrel of the gun, and sailed directly towards the truck.
