Who am I/How I got my ass kicked by every Element
Chapter 1
Who am I?/ How I got my ass kicked by Harmony. (and a very pissed off human.)
When I woke up, I realized three things: One, I couldn't remember anything. Two, I seemed to be in a basement of some sort. Three, I was strapped to a table. The memory thing could wait. I can't stand being constricted.
"Hey!" I yelled. "Whoever you are, get me off of this fucking table right now!" I was starting to hyperventilate.
I heard some yelling, then somepony started making their way down the stairs, and finally a lavender unicorn walked around the corner, followed by a human clad in all white. 'Human?' How do I know that?
The human was following the unicorn with what can only be described as a shit-eating grin. "Well, somebody's a little angry, aren't th- URK!"
He was cut off as I saw a flash of black, and a tendril of jet black magic ripped itself around his throat. I looked at the unicorn. "If you don't get me off of this fucking table in the next five seconds, I will rip his damn throat out right in front of you. Understand?" She nodded frantically and magicked away the restraints.
I let go of the human and stood up. "Hey, I'm sorry about tha-" I turned around just in time to catch a fist to the face. My last thought as I spiraled into unconsciousness was, 'Ow, uncalled for! I was trying to apologize. '
-------------------------—————--------------------
When I woke up, I was in a purple bed in what seemed to be a library. At least I didn't have goddamn restraints on. I would have flipped out. "Hello?" I called out to see if anyone was home. When nobody answered, I decided to explore the place. I saw a mirror on the wall and went to see what I looked like. What I saw stopped me dead. I am SEXY. Goddamn! The way my mane flows perfectly, how my eyes shine in the sunlight. Then I notice the unicorn in the mirror, stifling laughter. I go to throw up a shield, but something in the mirror stops me: my eyes. They flashed completely white for a moment. What could that mean?
I look back at the unicorn, and see that her eyes are wide with fear, she saw the flash too. She saw me looking at her, and her horn started glowing purple. Then I was trapped in a bubble. 'At least she didn't restr-' my thoughts were interrupted by a tendrils of magic wrapping themselves around each of my legs, locking them in place.
It's on, bitch.
I saw a flash of white, and my magic ripped hers to shreds. Pushing my advantage, I trapped her in a bubble. Take that. "Alright, I want some answers. One. Why, in God's name, do you keep restraining me? Two, who are you? Who am I!?" I basically whispered the last part. Not knowing who you are really gets to you.
"I, am Twilight Sparkle, personal student of Princess Celestia. You, are a convicted felon."
What!? A felon! "What are the charges?" I asked, bewildered.
"Six counts of destroying an Element of Harmony." She said, with a look of pure hatred. 'Holy shit, if looks could kill!'
"Um, I take it you're angry. Anyway, who's this Princess Celestia, and what are Elements of Harmony?" Hatred was replaced with disbelief.
"W-what!? I thought you were faking the amnesia thing!" Faking? 'Was I awake before? Better fake it and try to earn her trust, 'till I can find out what's happening.'
"Nope, memories are one hundred percent gone." I was about to let her go, when the door was almost blown off its hinges by a flash of blue leaving a rainbow trail. That flash of blue proceeded to slam me against the wall so hard that I felt both my back legs and a few ribs snap.
I couldn't do anything but let the shield around the unicorn drop, and cough up blood. Lots of blood. Shit. I heard the unicorn screaming.
I stayed conscious just long enough to hear the blur yell, "Stay away from my bucking friend!"
-------------------------–---------—--------------------
I knew the deal by now. If you get knocked out, you're gonna wake up in a different place. This time it was a hospital room, and I was fully healed. Before anything could happen, I jumped out the window. 'I gotta get away from this place!'
I saw an apple orchard in the distance, and started flying there. The flight took about 20 minutes, and a lot of avoiding people. When I got there, I saw a farmer bucking trees. He was a pure white unicorn, with a mark of 4 aces. When he saw me, he jumped, and said, "Eclipse? What are you doing here man!? Applejack will fucking kill you if she finds you here!"
I ran a hoof through my mane and leaned against a tree. "Look, I lost my memory, so slow down a bit. Who are you? Who's Applejack?"
He fell back in disbelief. "What!? You lost your memory?" We started walking towards the farm house. "That's great!" I stopped and stared at him. "Well, not for you, but Princess Celestia grants full amnesty to amnesia victims."
Wat. "That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard... Probably. Anyone could claim to have amnesia and get amnesty." His horn started glowing and I felt another presence in my head.
Without warning, I slammed my hoof into his face, breaking his nose. (Snout?) I'ma call it a nose. Pressing my advantage, I wrapped my front leg round his neck, and pulled, crushing his trachea. I let go, and glared at him while he healed himself.
"Never, get in my head again. Next time I will flat out kill you." I said, with an icy edge to my voice.
"Good to see you still have those razor-sharp instincts. I'm Trixter, by the way. We've been bros since we got dragged to Equestria." He looked like he would say more, but he was interrupted by an orange mare slamming into me, knocking me on my ass. Don't ask me how we didn't hear her coming.
I tried standing up, but was rewarded for my efforts with a hoof to the jaw. I was above hitting a mare, so I did the next best thing. I blasted her away with magic, and tried taking off. That did not go over well with her. She recovered, bit into my wing, and ripped me back to earth. She then proceeded to give me one hell of a beating until I fell unconscious. It hurt like a bitch. Oh, and thanks for the help Trix.
When I next woke up, it was in a stone/wood cottage that looked pretty chill. Then I was bombarded with animals. I used magic to pull them all off of me, then I held them there just to see their reactions.
They didn't react, but the butter Pegasus who walked in did.
"Don't you hurt my animals you big meanie!" She yelled, while somehow still using a very quiet voice. With that, she launched at me, and it only took one semi-hard smack to my already damaged face to send me spiraling away.
God I hate these ponies.
I woke up in that same hospital room. Fuck that noise, I hate hospitals. When I went to the window, I saw that it was nailed shut. I shrugged, and broke all the glass. I then proceeded to jump out said window, landing on a very surprised white unicorn.
She opened her mouth to say something, but I held up a hoof. "Considering my luck lately, you're one of those bitches who want to kill me. Right?" She put a hoof to her chin, pretended to think for a moment, then nodded with an evil grin.
I sighed, then jumped into the air and flew away. I swear I heard her yell, "I'll get you my pretty!" Why did that sound so familiar? Trixter has a lot of explaining to do. I decided to wander the town, and hope I find Trix that way.
Me going back to that farm would end up with me six feet under.
I should probably describe myself, if this somehow got back to wherever I came from, and you're reading this. I am a jet black pony, with wings and a horn. My mane style is kinda curved, black with dark purple hi lights. My eyes were normal, but I had sharp teeth. I could probably eat meat if I wanted to.
As I had found out with Trixter, I have very fast reflexes, but they aren't any good against a mare, since I would never hit one. As I was walking, I found I didn't have any bits. Shit. I'm starving.
Then I bumped into that white unicorn mare. She picked me up with her magic, then slammed me into a rock. Then she slammed me into a building called 'A Hard Place.'
I started chuckling in the air, until she slammed me into the rock again. That hurt. A lot. Like, enough to make me almost reconsider my 'no hitting mares' policy. But I didn't. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a total douche. But yeah, after a few more hits I got knocked out.
I woke up in that same goddamn hospital room. This time, there were two guards at the door exit, and two at the window. The second they saw I was awake, one of the unicorn's horns started glowing. The next second, six mares and the human in white walked in.
The purple unicorn, the blue pegasus, the butter pegasus, the white unicorn, a pony with a big smile and poofy mane and tail, all pink, and the orange mare.
Fuck. This won't end well.
"Umm, guards? I don't really feel safe with them here. Most of them have assaulted me." I said, apprehensively.
One of the guards snickered. "What, can't handle a few mares?" He asked.
Wow. Fuck you too, bud. "For your information, I would never hit a mare. And anyway, that one," I said, pointing to the purple unicorn, "Is princess what's-her-face's personal student."
Of course, I didn't get past what's her face before the guards yelled, "You will respect the Princess!" At the same time.
I laughed. "Your princess can fuck herself. I'm leaving the country after this shit is cleared up." That wiped the smirks off their faces.
"What!?" The purple unicorn exclaimed. "Why? We need you to help us rebuild the Elements of Harmony."
I gave a grin, one that said, plainly and clearly, I dont't give a fuck. "Why should I help you? All you ponies have done since I woke up was hurt me."
Then I was bombarded with excuses. "You were threatening me" "Y'all was hurting Trixter!" "You destroyed my Element!" Were some of the excuses.
"Yeah, maybe I destroyed them for a reason. Why would I want to go against my own wishes?" I asked. They all looked stumped.
Except the human. "Because the Princess' wishes are more important than yours." They just weren't getting it.
"I don't care about your Princess' wishes. I care about me." I said, somewhat harshly. I got out of the bed and looked him in the eye. "I'm not helping with your Elements."
The guards charged me. Me pretty much spitting in their Princess' face must have pushed them a little to far.
The first guard jumped at me, and I ducked, letting him soar through the air where I had just been. Before he could work out what happened, I spun, slamming a hoof into his face, knocking him on his ass. The second and third guards came a the same time. I bucked one out of the air, and just spun to the side in time to avoid catching a hoof to the face. The one I bucked went down and stayed down. I saw a flash of darkness, and the guard who barely missed went down and out immediately. I'm not sure what happened, but he was bleeding heavily from the chest area.
The fourth guard pulled his sword, and swung at me. I tried dodging, but he caught my side pretty bad. I started bleeding, a lot. I knew I had to finish this quick. I saw a flash- well, not really a flash, more of anti-flash. My vision went completely black for a moment, and the guards armor melted. The molten metal seeped into his skin, burning him alive. I saw a flash of light, and the metal cooled and removed itself. He was covered in third-degree burns.
I sensed motion behind me, and spun, just in time to dodge a fist flying towards my face. "What the fuck!? Why are you attacking me!?" I yelled, getting pissed. I was in no condition to fight this guy.
He looked puzzled. "You just defeated four guards at once." He said, like it should be obvious. Maybe it was, but I was in no mood to fight this guy.
"So?" I asked, confused. "They attacked me. I defended myself."
"You could have used less lethal methods." He said, scratching his chin.
"Well, they aren't dead, are they? If they aren't dead then I wasn't lethal." I said, quite reasonably, if I say so myself.
He started laughing. He fucking LAUGHED. "I think that you and me will get along fine." He said, while snickering.
"So you won't attack me?" I asked, somewhat apprehensively.
"Nah," He said, shaking his head. "That was just a test. You couldn't talk your way out of the fight with the guards, and maybe you didn't want to. But when I entered the fray, you took a diplomatic route, and talked your way out of trouble. You'll be valuable, to me and the Princesses, whether as a knight, an assassin or a mage."
"I'd like to offer you a job."
Author's Note
The reason that the Fluttershy part was so short, is because I just completely fucked up her charecter.
Chapter 2
Who I am/What?
"I'd like to offer you a job."
I was stunned. "A job? Like, I work for a day, get paid, go home, and do it again the next day? Like, an actual life? I could definitely go for that. What's the job?"
"You could consider yourself part-time guard, full time royal problem solver, if you know what I mean." The human winked.
The purple unicorn spoke up. "X, are you sure? He just single-hoofedly knocked out two royal guards, burned another, and possibly killed one more! He's really dangerous!"
The human, X, looked her dead in the eye and said, in a very cold tone, "We need dangerous ponies, Twilight Sparkle. Other nations might think twice about attacking Equestria if there where more ponies like Eclipse around."
Twilight looked flustered. "The Princess pays you to be dangerous, X. That's what your job is. Right?"
"Yes, Twilight. The Princess pays me to be dangerous. She also pays me and my brother to defend her and her sister. We can't guard them and deal with problems everywhere else, too. That's where Eclipse comes in."
"I like the sound of this job." I said. Then everything started to get blurry, and I felt very dizzy. I blacked out, seemingly for no reason. Until I remembered I had a huge-ass cut on my side.
I woke up in a black bed, with purple highlights. There was a breeze playing across my face. 'Breeze?' I open my eyes, and what I see shocks me. My bed is in the middle of a forest. The sky above is dark, and when I look, I notice that the moon is sitting in front of the sun. A perfect total eclipse. Beautiful. After I study my surroundings a bit more, I notice a door with a strange mark. It's maybe ten feet from the bed. It's just kinda sitting there, with nothing to hold it up. I circle around the back of the door, and what I see surprises me. The door, bed and eclipse have all disappeared. 'This is so weird.' I think. I walk back towards the area where the eclipse was.
And pass through an invisible shield, right next to the door. Huh. I process that for a minute, before curiosity gets the better of me, and I turn to go through the door. I step out into a long, stone hallway. *processing,* *processing,* *done.* "WHAT!?" I exclaim loudly, startling a passing maid. I turn around and study the door, and I notice something I hadn't before. The mark on this door, it's my cutie mark.
This just keeps getting stranger. I have a very stern mental debate about which way to go. '-f he hollers let him go!' I finish, turning left. Then a unicorn guard comes from the right and asks me to follow him. Whatever. While we walk, we have a conversation. I learn that the guards name is Flaming Sword. That is such a badass name. We get to a throne room, and Flame says: "The Princess is expecting you." He stays outside while I walk in. He seemed like a good guy. Maybe I'll buy him a drink or something later. (No Homo.)
The throne room was huge! With a large stained glass window depicting those mares that attacked me, using some kind of magic to attack a dark blue pony, with both wings and a horn. Weird. Wait, wings and a horn!? That's like me! Then I actually look at the throne, and see another pony with wings and horn. She has a pure white coat, with a flowing rainbow mane, and a knowing, but not unkind, look.
"Hello." I said casually. "My name is Eclipse, apparently." I say, holding my hoof out for a hoof shake.
"Apparently? How is it that you don't know who you are?" She asked, a light smile playing across her lips.
"Well, I have amnesia. I can't remember a Goddamned thing. It's very annoying." I said with a tinge of frustration in my voice.
She sighed, with a look of sadness, that made her look thousands of years old. "I must take the blame for your memories. I took them because I care about you, and-"
"WHAT!? I don't give a fuck if 'you care about me,' I want my memories!" I yelled, prompting the guards to level their spears at me.
She waved the guards down. "I'm sorry, Eclipse, but I can't allow you to have your memories. We need you in the coming battles." She said, with a look of regret.
"What makes you think I'll fight for you? Give me some memories, and I'll think about it." I said, fully intending to walk away if she refused.
She looked troubled. "I-I can do that. These memories will make you adept at fighting, skillful at magic, and give you a general background of who you are." She said, while her horn started glowing.
I started to refuse, say I wanted more, "n-" but I was cut off by a flash, and years worth of pony karate came flooding back. Another flash, and most of my magical training came back. One final flash, and I knew who I was. Kinda. One, I was somebody important, a knight maybe. Two, I was one of the most powerful mages alive.
Three, I fucking hate memory spells. Four, only the pony who took the memories could give them back. Five, I REALLY fucking hate memory spells. Six, I have a daughter in Ponyville. Seven, I was banished for one thousand years. Eight, fucking memory spells, man!
"Woah, if that's a general background, I wanna see everything I know!" I exclaimed, with a tinge of amazement in my voice.
"Yes, you have very expansive knowledge, it comes with being immortal."
Wat. "What?!"
"You are one of the alicorn race, therefore you will live until you die. Literally."
Well fuck.
Author's Note
So, as you can probably tell, I don't have an editor, and I don't write much, but I will try to update as much as possible.
Thank you for understanding.
