You Will Never Share an Intimate Moment With...

You Will Never Share an Intimate Moment with Derpy

You clumsily push your way through branches and shrubbery of the Everfree Forest, trying desperately to find some sort of way out. The unicorn pony Twilight Sparkle had been guiding you through the wilderness, suggesting that her friend Zecora might put together a brew that would be able to send you back home. Not that you were in any hurry to return home; your stay in Ponyville for the past day has been more than enjoyable after the initial shock of there being a human in Ponyville. But much like with Zecora, the residents were more than ready to welcome you after a bit of explanation. You’d been keeping up with the unicorn for a good while, until a wild pack of Timberwolves ambushed you and split the two of you up. You had no intentions of abandoning your unicorn companion, but in the haze of trying to escape their ravenous wooden claws, you couldn’t keep track of her. You really hope she’s alright; you don’t know what you’d do if she were to get hurt while trying to help you.

You call out her name every minute or so, straining to hear for a response. You know that you won’t be able to last much longer in this forest without somepony or other friendly creature to look out for you. Thankfully now you’re reached a part of the forest with less trees and brush, so walking is a bit easier. While calling out for Twilight, you trip over something so quickly that your head meets the ground with a vicious whack. You’re somehow uninjured, despite a throbbing lump and some dizziness. You look back and find a large compilation of stones gathered together, the cause of your vicious fall. You wonder who or what would want to gather so many stones here, and for what purpose.

“Oh no!” A small boyish voice calls out in front of your body. “Are you okay there? I didn’t think anypony would trip over my stone collection!” You face forward and see a gray pegasus with blonde hair and a pair of adorable yellow eyes looking back at you. You must have hit your head harder than you thought; you can’t keep proper alignment with her eyes. You shake your head and look back at her, but you still see the same distortion.

You then realize that it’s not your head; these amber eyes are notably crossed, one facing upwards, the other facing downwards. Even though they aren’t facing forward, her smile let’s you know that she’s looking right at you… you think. “Hiya! I’m Derpy!” the blonde pegasus pipes (different word) to you. You nod your head and introduce yourself as you climb to your feet and brush the dirt of the forest off of you. You ask what she’s doing here, more specifically, why she has a random pile of rocks gathered in the middle of the forest. “Well, I was gonna make a fire!” she explains, trotting over to the pile and poking the stones with gusto. “But whenever I kept rubbing the sticks against the tinder, they’d always break, so I’ve been going back and forth trying to find some stronger sticks.” You look around the stone pile and notice a mess of tree bark and flint scattered around. You then crouch in front of Derpy and politely tell her that in order to make a fire, you’re supposed to rub the tinder with the stones in order to set the wood on fire. Derpy scrunches her mouth up for a bit pondering your suggestion until her eyes and mouth suddenly go wide. “Oh yeah, that’s right! Ha ha, my bad!” She laughs cheerfully at her own mistake. “Thanks for reminding me, I woulda been going through sticks all day if you hadn’t told me!” You smile and shake your head at her bubbly personality.

“But what are you doing here?” she asks, flying up and hovering close to your face. You tell her that you were with Twilight earlier trying to find your way to Zecroa’s hut, before you were attacked by Timberwolves. “I saw her reach the hut earlier. Don’t worry; she’s not hurt at all. You want me to help you find her?” You nod your head in approval. “Okay, sure! But, um, before we head off, can I… ask you a few questions?” You shrug and tell her that it won’t be a problem with you. Smiling brightly, she floats down to the ground, tucking her wings in and plopping her behind on the ground with a soft whump. “So… what are you? You’re the strangest looking pony I’ve ever seen!”

You take a seat on the ground and cross your feet together and explain that you’re not from this world. You’re a human that somehow found their way in Ponyville and don’t know how to get home. “Oh, a human!” she exclaims in an excited voice. “That’s so cool! I thought humans were make-believe, I never thought I’d see one up close.” You tell her that you had been publically introduced to the town yesterday afternoon so as to ease the minds of the confused citizens. When you had first been spotted in the town, mass chaos had broken out as some of the younger ponies had thought you were a monster. “They thought you were a monster? Why? Monsters are ugly. You’re not ugly, you’re just… different.” She projects a heartwarming smile at you while her eyes switch places with each other, awkwardly eyeing you up and down. You chuckle and thank her for her kind words, then ask where she was to have missed out on such an extravagant occurrence.

“Oh, I was out here in the forest. I haven’t been in town for a few days.” You ask her why. “Because I…” her crossed-eyes shift to one side as her ears droop slightly. “It’s a long story. Anyway, I’m the one asking questions about you, Mr. Human!” she inches herself closer to you, swishing her tail from side to side. “So, the world that you’re from, do they have ponies back there?” you tell her that your world does have ponies, but that they aren’t as vibrant as the ponies you’ve met in town. “Vi-per-ent…?” You explain that it means they don’t act like her; they don’t talk or have social manners; that they’re kept as livestock for farms, like cows or dogs. “That… sounds awful.”

You agree with her and tell her that’s why you’re not in a big hurry to go home, because you really like all of the ponies here, including her. Derpy’s face brightens up as you compliment her. “Really? You like me- I mean us? All of us in Ponyville I mean?” You nod your head. “Well, why don’t you stay here then? Oh, I guess you might have a family to go back to, and a girlfriend or something.” You tell her that you definitely want to see your family, but that you don’t actually have a girlfriend. “Really? No girlfriend, huh?” She puts a hoof to her chin, contemplating who-knows-what. A grin appears on her face as she crawls up to you and sits on your lap while she looks up at you. Well, looks at you and possibly something in the tree, you can’t really tell. “Have you ever… had sex with a girl before?” You tell her regrettably that your sexual endeavors are at a pathetic minimum. “Ha ha, aw, poor guy! Well, um, I guess that means you’ve never had sex with… a pony then, huh?” Your eyes flare up at her question. You shake your head violently, knowing how awful something like that back in your world would be. “Why are you doing that? It doesn’t freak you out, does it? I thought you liked me- us! You said we were vip-er-ent.” You tell her that it’s nothing against her or ponies, but that you’re so impressed with how innocent and adorable their society is you can’t imagine associating anything erotic with them. “Whoa, that’s a load of horse-pie if I’ve ever heard it. We all have sex here! Where do you think foals come from, the stork? You’re silly!” You ask her why she’s so curious about your sex life, and what it matters to her.

“Well…” Derpy nervously scratches her hoof into the ground, searching for the right words. “I guess you can tell I’m a little… different from other ponies.” You put on a face suggesting that you can’t possibly imagine what she’s referring to. “The eyes, silly, don’t pretend you don’t notice them. I’m not stupid, you know.” You wince for a second, but tell her that they aren’t off-putting at all; they’re just a surprise when you first see them. You get used to them easily after a while. “Well, some ponies used to make fun of me when I was a filly. They thought I was ‘slow’. And being kind of a klutz didn’t help out either. So I was always used to read fantasy stories when I was alone. I’d read about creatures called humans, who were big and tall and- and strong, and all sorts of stuff. I guess when I got older, I just always had some idea that I’d get to meet a human some day, and we’d…” You lean your head towards her for a bit trying to ascertain what she’s getting at. She looks up into your eyes and forcibly pushes you into the ground, gazing upon you with a desperate look in her skewed yellow eyes. “Please! This is the dream I’ve had since I was a little filly! I just want to spend some time with you before you have to go home. Haven’t you ever had a fantasy you thought you’d never get to obtain?”

You think to yourself of all the dreams you’ve had on those lonely nights in your room, wishing that those fictional stories you love would somehow take solid form and make all your dreams come true. You reach your hand up to her ear and gently caress her. Her face turns to a warm smile as she closes her eyes and leans into your hand, feeling every inch of your palm as you pet her. “Ah, your hands are so soft! It’s like a dream come true…” The heat of the forest beats down on the both of you through an opening in the trees above, making beads of sweat form across your forehead. She sits back on your stomach, and you feel a painful push against your crotch as she leans back. Seeing your face wince she quickly scoots up and looks back, an amused look on her face. “Whoa, is that what I think it is?” She turns around with her flank aimed right to your face, as she uses her hoof to poke at your erection hidden by the pants your wearing. Your legs tighten up with each poke, accompanied by a few soft groans. “It is! That’s your love-stick, isn’t it? But these pants are in the way, I can’t see it!” she turns back at you with her with a sad look on her face. “Come on; let me see it, please?” Your eyes dart back and forth, as you’re not really sure if this is the type of thing you should be doing with a pony like her. “Here, you can see mine if you want!” Before you can object, she slides her tail away from her rump, granting a full view of her uncovered anus and her tight vagina. “What do ya think? Not bad, huh?” She grins and wiggles her backside at you in a flirting manner. “You owe me!”

You grit your teeth as you stare at her flank, feeling your rod tighten up even more as a result. You reluctantly submit and begin to unzip your pants, pushing your penis out into the open for Derpy to behold. “Whoa…” she stares in awe at the rod before her. “It’s so different… I love it!” She immediately places her tongue on the front side and licks upwards, similar to a popsicle. She’s not at the right angle to put pressure on the bottom of your shaft, where it’s most sensitive, but it’s still rather exhilarating. “It’s a bit smaller, but the top is nice and round, so it probably feels better inside.” She places her lips on the top of the head and gently begins to nom on it. You can tell she’s not really trying to give you a full oral experience; she just wants to play around and see how it feels.

You think to yourself that if she’s going to experiment with your body, you have every right to do the same to her. You reach your hands up and place them firmly on her prominent buttcheeks, gently scratching her above her bubbly cutie mark. She lets out a satisfied sigh at having her hiney scratched, before you give both her cheeks a firm squeeze. You hear her giggle as she wiggles it back and forth in excitement After a bit of groping, you take one hand and extend its pinky, running it across the seal of her vaginal lips. You hear her let out an excited whinny as you move your finger across her; her rear end tenses up as a small amount of wetness excreting out of her as you move. Hearing her whinny suddenly reminds you of what you’re doing: you’re fingering a horse. It may be from another world and have the intelligence of a human, but you are still feeling up the genitals of a horse.

Eh, whatever, you think to yourself. This horse is asking for it. You withdraw your pinky and move your hand up closer to the top of her lips, feeling around with your thumb until you come across the button feeling of what has to be her clitoris. You sandwich it between your thumb and index finger as you give it a slight pinch. “Ahhh!” You hear Derpy scream as she releases your penis from her mouth, looking back at you in shock. “What… what the heck was that!?” You tell her that it’s just your fingers. “Fin-gers… you can do that with fingers?” You nod at her with a proud smirk on your face. “I’ll never go back to colts again! Their hooves won’t be the same for me!” You start to gently rub her clit in between your thumb and finger similar to the way you’d roll a piece of dough in your fingers. She moans loudly as you touch her, running her hooves across your stomach in wild passion. You feel your penis rev up harder as she rubs you.

“Oh, sorry!” she exclaims. “I forgot all about your special place!” She quickly replaces her mouth back on to you, and this time puts in a good effort to move her lips up and down your shaft. Feeling her grip against your skin makes you tilt your head back in pleasure, mostly from how much she’s enjoying your treatment of her. Her lips have become significantly wetter since you began to rub her; her vagina is almost glistening at this point. Another minute goes by, and Derpy spits you out of her mouth again. “I’m sorry, I can’t- can’t concentrate. You’re just… driving me wild! I love your fingers!” She rears her flank closer to you, and flaps her wings in excitement, cooling your face down from the heat of the forest.

Derpy’s moans grow louder as you continue to play with her. They become shorter and more cut-off as she places her hooves on your hamstrings and rears herself up for her climax. She turns her head back and looks at you with her wall eyes, her mouth hanging open in intense passion. “Oh-oh-oh man, I’m gonna- gonna, ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhh~!” She closes her eyes for a moment, and when she opens them up wide her eyes are straight for the first time and looking right at you as she calls out your name and releases a torrent of fluids all over your hands in several powerful bursts. Seeing her expression change so suddenly confuses you immensely; You don’t know if her eyes un-crossing is a good or bad thing, but seeing it so suddenly causes your brain to twitch. You feel your legs shake violently as your penis shoots a strand of sticky semen up into the air, raining down on your pants and all over Derpy’s hooves and beautiful blonde hair.

“Oh boy, frosting!” She licks up a strand on her hooves and smacks it around in her mouth trying to get a proper taste. “Hm… kinda bitter. Pony frosting tastes sweeter, but I guess this isn’t so bad.” She turns around and faces you, her face and mouth laced in your own semen, but her eyes back to their adorable crookedness. “Thanks for that. It was AWESOME!” She quickly leans in and kisses your mouth, causing you to spit and lick the top of your arm to get your own DNA out of your mouth. “Oops!” Derpy suddenly realizes her mistake and puts her hooves up to her face in a shameful manner. “My bad…”

After doing what you could to get the taste out of your mouth, you look up at her sad face and start to feel ashamed yourself. You smile and pat her hair telling her that it’s not a big deal. You scope out a dry spot on her forehead and kiss her tenderly, causing her to blush and giggle. “Thanks. You’re really nice.” She scoots herself off of your stomach and shakes what she can of your seed off of her hair and sending it flying in numerous directions. After cleaning herself off, you zip up your pants and tell her that now you’d like to ask her a question. “Oh, sure! What do you wanna know?”

You ask her why she’s really out here, all by herself in the forest. You say that she should be back at Ponyville with the other residents where things are more civilized. Her ears droop as her face takes on a sorrowful expression. “I don’t think I belong in that town anymore. I can’t do anything right except cause trouble. When I was supposed to help Rainbow Dash fix town hall, I just ended up breaking it even worse. I thought it would be better if I left town, because I think everypony’s really tired of putting up with me.” Her words stab at your heart and you tell her that she’s not such a bad pony, that she’s just like you: different. “Thanks.” She says, with a faint smile on for face, but only for a brief moment. “But it’s different with you. You don’t wreck everything you touch, or frustrate anypony- I mean, anybody. I do. I’m just trying to not be a burden for them anymore.”

You see her eyes water up slightly before she turns her head away from you. “I better go now. Don’t tell anypony I’m here, okay?” She flares her wings up quickly and bolts through the trees as you try in vain to call out to her. As she disappears, you hear another voice call out your name in the distance: It’s the voice of Twilight Sparkle getting closer until she finally bursts out of the branches behind you.

“There you are!” the purple unicorn exclaims as she finally sees you. “I’ve been looking all over for you! I was starting to worry that those Timberwolves might have gotten to you. Hey, are you okay?” she asks, noticing your sad face. You nod and tell her it’s nothing. “Well, I managed to find may way to Zecora’s and she was nice enough to recommend me some ingredients for something that might be able to get you home. Unfortunately we’re going to have to order them from another part of Equestria, so we’ll have to put in an order at the Ponyville post office.” She begins to trot her way to the edge of the empty space in the forest. “Come on, stay close to me this time.” You follow behind Twilight Sparkle as the two of you make your way out of the forest. While you walk, you turn back and look up, wondering if the blonde cross-eyed pegasus might still be around somewhere.

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“I’m sorry; we’re not able to process any mail right now.” A light brown mail pony hastily explains with a large bag full of letters strapped to his back.

“Are you kidding me?” Twilight Sparkle asked in a frustrated tone. “And why in Equestria not? The Ponyville post office has never had to shut down their services for any reason before. What’s going on?”

“Well, we’re really having some trouble! One of our best mail-mares has gone missing, and we have no idea where she is. I’ve been handling all of her usual deliveries, but I just moved here a few days ago, so I have no idea where everypony lives!”

You interject between the two of them and ask the mail colt if he’s referring to a mare by the name of Derpy. “Yeah, that’s her!” he responds energetically “Have you seen her? Please tell me you have!” You want to tell him that she’s in the Everfree Forest, but you remember her last words to you. Don’t tell anypony I’m here, okay? “Well, it doesn’t matter.” He explains while you stay silent. “Just make sure you give her these.” He drops the bag of mail he was carrying on the ground and brings an equally large bag to you. “These are all letters addressed to her. Well, they’re actually addressed to the post office, but they all have her name on the front, saying things like ‘Where’s Derpy?’ or ‘Bring Derpy Back’ or something. We didn’t know what to do with them since nopony has seen her go home at all.” Looking over the huge bag of mail, you rear yourself up and hoist in onto your back. “Thanks, buddy, I really owe you one!”

You and Twilight Sparkle exit the building as you strain to keep the bag from toppling off of you. “You saw her in the forest, didn’t you?” Twilight asks you. You ask what makes her think that, and she scoffs at you. “Because, you’ve been with me the entire time since we made you public to the town up until we were separated in the forest. I don’t even have to be Princess Celestia’s pupil to figure that one out.” You roll your eyes at her bragging. “Well, let’s get going! We’ve gotta find her soon before-!” You tell her with firm resolve that you can’t have her come with you. This is something you have to do alone. “Are you crazy? You’ll get eaten alive! You don’t know the forest like I do!” Making your way towards the woods, you mutter under your breath that now is the best time to learn it.

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You spend what seems like hours trudging through the woods, calling out for Derpy. Sweat collects on your forehead as your strength challenges your ability to carry the heavy bag on your back. You somehow find the familiar clear spot where you met her, with her pile of rocks still where you first found them. You hear the faint sound of sniffling coming from above you making you stop in your tracks. You look to your side and see a blonde tail hanging from a tree branch, following it up to see a familiar flank adorned with a cutie mark of bubbles. The pegasus in the tree currently has her face buried in her hooves, not even able to see you looking at her. You call out gently to her. She sees you for a moment, and wipes her eyes hastily before she looks at you and smiles, red puffiness surrounding her eyes.

“Hey, it’s you again! What’s up?” You urge her to come back with you to Ponyville as you finally let the back drop from your back, taking in an instantaneous reprieve. “Oh… I told you already, that’s not my home anymore. I don’t want to go there, and I don’t think anypony wants me either.” You tell her to think again as you pull out an envelope with a rainbow cloud and lightning strike as a stamp. You open it and scan the first few lines before you begin to read it out loud:

Dear postal ponies,

What happened to Derpy? I haven’t seen her deliver my mail for the past three days! It’s like she’s completely disappeared off the face of the planet. I feel really bad because the last time I talked to her I was really angry. Not at her, I was just having a bad day because I couldn’t sleep the night before and I had to fix town hall while I was tired and cranky. I took my frustration out on her, and she didn’t deserve it. She’s a good pony. Sure she makes some mistakes, but we all make mistakes. I spent a whole week playing Super-Inflated-Ego-Dash, and my friends forgave me, as well as the whole town. If you find her, please tell her I’m sorry and how much I really want her back.

-Rainbow Dash

Derpy’s mouth hung open as you finish reading the letter to her. “Rainbow Dash… thinks I’m a good pony?” You reach into the bag and pull out another letter at random:

Dear Ponyville P.O.

I’m sure you’ve noticed by now, but one of your most beloved staff members seems to have gone A.W.O.L. I’m of course referring to Derpy, the cheerful pegasus pony with a heart of diamonds (I would say gold, but I find diamonds so much more attractive). Although her methods may not be as bureaucratic as most postal workers, she gets the job done efficiently and leaves every pony satisfied. I once asked her why she doesn’t bother with schedules or charts or other ways to keep herself organized, and she told me “All that matters to me is getting everypony’s mail to them as fast as I can and becoming good friends with them.” It is this kind of simplistic approach that truly shines in a small community such as Ponyville. Out of all the bad things that could happen to your industry, her leaving so suddenly has to be the worst possible thing! Please do everything you can to bring Derpy back!

Yours truly

-Rarity

You quickly pour through more letters, all centered on the same subject, asking where Derpy is, about how worried they are and how much they want her back. Some are even in the form of petition letters with dozens of signatures crammed onto a single parchment. When you begin to start another one, you hear a soft whimper in front of you. You look up to see Derpy’s lip trembling harshly, tears pouring from her face like a waterfall. You reach out to her, but she quickly jumps at you and knocks you to the ground, burying her face in your chest and sobbing loudly.

“Oh my gosh!” she cries, barely able to keep her voice under control. “They want me back! I thought they hated me, and I even started to hate myself! I can’t believe everypony loves me so much!” she continues to weep uncontrollably into you, as you hug her tightly and stroke her hair. You tell her that she shouldn’t be surprised that she’s loved so much. Even if she does make mistakes, it’s nothing to be hated for. What really matters is her resolve to try her best, and to fix whatever mistake she’s made. You tell her that Ponyville is lucky to have a mare like her. She manages to catch her breath long enough to form a loving smile and kisses you on the cheek. “Thank you so much. I’m really glad I met you.” You scratch the back of your neck in a bashful manner while she sniffs up the tearful mess on her face. You tell her that you just came from the post office, and that it’s a real mess since she’s been gone. “Oh no, that’s right!” she exclaims. “I gotta go help them!” She’s about to zoom away, until she looks back at you from the air. “Oh yeah… I should probably slow down so you can follow me out. Heh heh…” She slowly hovers towards the trees, while you follow behind with the heavy bag of mail. She’s going to have a lot of work ahead of her today, but you’re going to make sure that you deliver everything that motivates her to her home where she can read it whenever she needs to.