The Comment Warriors

by Lord Guffington

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Crossover, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 3645

The Comment Warriors battle for glory

The Comment Warriors is a… different group. They battle, using the weapons they choose. They fight to the death, or join forces to defeat stronger enemies. They range from your typical ponies to beings of unknown origin.

Join us as we show you our battles.

(Collaboration with other CW's)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-07 05:00:02 UTC

Let's meet them

        A room brightens from it's dark, dry atmosphere, to reveal a man sitting in a chair, wearing jeans and a t-shirt that had a tux picture on it. A single light dangles from the roof, and no other objects are present, other than a door, the man, and an empty chair. He looks up from his folded hands.

"Oh, hello," he says, his voice dry and a little cheery. "Welcome to the interview of some amazing people, ponies, and other creatures I can't remember. Here, I'm going to introduce you to them. If you'll just wait a moment, I can bring on in right now."

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a walkie-talkie. "Yeah, it's time. Bring out the first one," the man says into the device. After a couple of minutes the door creaks open, revealing a green earth pony. It's flank is donned with a darker green octagon with a lightning bolt the same color slashing through it. A sword is shown behind the octagon, pointing downwards. On his back is a large key of some sort and many guns. A small walking Care Bear walks in behind him.

"Hello! How are you and what's your name?" The man asks.

"I'm TL and I'm fine." The pony sits on the other seat, the Care Bear opting to stand next to him.

"So, what's special about you in the Comment Warriors?"

"I'm the founder and leader of the Comment Warriors." The green pony says.

"And might I ask what that giant key is for?" The man asks, pointing the key. TL looks at the key and removes it from his back, allowing the man to see all of it.

"This is my key blade. I can use it to change between my forms, like valor, wisdom, master, final, and anti. And-"

"Yeah, that's great. And what's with the robotic robot?" The man points to the Care Bear staring at a wall intently. He looks closer to see the letters 'CaB' stitched on him.

"Oh, that's CaB. He's my companion while I fight. I can use my keyblade to change him to monstrous sizes, the largest being about two houses tall."

The man looks at his watch. "Well TL, it seems our time is up. Thanks for your cooperation."

TL nods and heads out the door, CaB following closely behind. As the door is about to close, another figure enters, this one hooded.

"Hello," the man said. "Who are you?"

The figure rose its head a little, revealing two glowing red spots that could possibly eyes. The hooded figure walked slowly over to the chair and sat down, a scythe being squished between the chair and the hood's cape. The only visible part of it's body was the flank and hooves, revealing stripes and a tombstone looking symbol on the flank.

"Hello? Earth to creepy creature." The man waved a hand in from of its face. The zebra, based on its stripes, quickly grabbed the scythe and swung downwards, carefully missing the man's hand. The man recoiled in shock, but watched the scythe barely above the ground. Strange symbols upon it glowed, running down the blade and hilt. The zebra tapped the ground with the blade. At first, nothing happened. But slowly, a slight scratching could be heard. About a minute later, a hoof shot through the floor, pulling itself through the tiles.

"Undead. Ancient. Looks like this one was mummified. And the name's Zem'mora." The zebra said. Zem'mora tapped the undead again and it fell back underground. She got up and left the room, leaving the man speechless. Another pony walked in, this one wearing some technologically advanced armor. He gets up in the chair, a dark colored sword at his side, along with a needle rifle and an omni-tool. Another pony stepped in, this one wearing a suit and tentacles moving along it's back. It had no face. The man quickly looked away.

"So who are you?" The man asked the bored looking pony.

"I'm Azure Gear!" The pony shouted with spammed enthusiasm. He took out his sword blade and stabbed the chair behind him.

"Hey! We've only got two of those!" The man shouted. Azure put his sword away and took out the needle rifle. The man just facepalmed, hoping Azure wouldn't do anything else. "Anyways, why did you join the Comment Warriors?"

"Oh, I joined because i love killing things!" Azureshouted, throwing the needle rifle in the air accidentally. It landed and shot out a glowing pink needle, hitting the man's chair. The man, let's call him Chuck, glared at Azure. The pony grinned sheepishly before putting the gun back in its holster.

"Okay, so other that nearly killing me, how are you?" Chuck asked with annoyance.

"I am so happy that I am angry that you're alive!" Azure shouted before charging back out the door. The faceless pony followed behind him slowly. Chuck shook his head disapprovingly before awaiting the next Warrior's entrance.

The door swung open to reveal a gray unicorn with a black mane. He came in and sat down in the other chair, moving his mane out of the way to allow green eyes appear. Chuck noticed a sash on him, saying "Mayor"

"Hello. What is your name and what are you the mayor of?" Chuck asks.

"I'm Flying Churro and I'm the mayor of Can Town."  Churro levitates a vegan burrito out of nowhere and takes a bite out of it.

"Uh... nevermind. Why did you join the Comment Warriors?" Chuck sees a sword upon the ponies side.

"I don't know. Just sounded like fun." Churro finishes the burrito and pulls a sandwich out of a rift in front of him.

"Ok. And how did you just open that up?"

"Hammer Space."

"And what's that?"

"I dunno." Churro finishes the sandwich and walks out the door.

"How many more insane ponies do I have to deal with?" Chuck asked himself. The door opens again, this time a yellow-orange unicorn walking in.

"Hello. Who are you now? And please tell me you're not insane." Chuck pleaded. The unicorn trotted up to the chair, setting down his katana and portal gun. His red, blue, and cyan mane swished around with his necklace.

"I'm Chaotic Note. And why would I be insane?" Chaotic asked. Chuck breathed a sigh of relief.

"Nothing. Just that I had two psycho/insane ponies in a row. Now, what's so special about that necklace you have there?"

"Oh this? It's my Power-Seal crystal necklace. It keeps my powers in check so I don't get tired out too quickly."

"And what kind of powers would that be?" Chuck asked leaning closer.

"Well between you and me, I can probably be the best super soldier ever. If it wasn't for this necklace, I could essentially become a god. But that would tire me out too quickly." Chaotic said as he held his necklace.

"Well, is there anything else we can know about you?" Chuck asked.

"We? I guess. Come closer." Chuck leaned closer. "Closer." Chuck leaned closer. "Closer." Chuck was practically ear to mouth with Chaotic, his hot breath tickling his ear. "I have a crush on a princess." Chuck quickly sat back up, looking unimpressed.

"Okay. And?" Chaotic shrugged. "We'll, that's all the time we have for you."

Chaotic shot the portal gun at the closest wall, an orange oval appearing to a scene of ponies, griffins, and other creatures sitting in a long hallway of seats. Chaotic stepped though, quickly closing the portal behind him. The door opens to reveal a large black Pegasus with a red mane. He sits in the chair, his dark colored bow being squsished between him and the chair.

"Hello. Might I ask who you are?" Chuck asks.

"I'm Night." The pony said.

"Well, have you got a last name?" Chuck asked.

"I usually stick to first names. Ponies usually dislike my complete name."

"Ah. And what's that bow you got there?"

"This is a daedric bow." Night pulls the bow out from behind him.

"And that is?"

"I dunno."

"Anything special about you?" Night sets his mane on fire, not affects by the flames. "Cool. Anything else?" Night takes a deep breath, his eyes suddenly turning golden.

"Fus... Ro DA-"

Chuck grabs Night's muzzle. "Before you continue, I'd like to tell you I don't have replacement chairs."

Night shrugs and gets up from the chair. He leaves the room, another pony entering, this one a midnight blue unicorn. His head is donned with a mane of three different tones of gray.

"Did I just see Night leaving? And this isn't the bathroom, dang it!" The unicorn shouts.  He runs back into the hall, coming back after a few minutes.

"So, uh... what was your name again?" Chuck asks.

"Shadow."

"Okay Shadow, what made you want to join the Comment Warriors?"

"Want? I didn't exactly want this, but all in all, I just ended up with them after being locked in a homicidal, sentient factory. It was a really off day for me then." Shadow answers. Chuck opens his mouth to make a comment, but shuts it.

"So is there anything special about you other than you were locked in a factory?" Chuck asks sarcastically.

"Special? Me?Uhhhhhmmmm... I'm not sure what to say really... I guess you could count the fact that I can manipulate the shadows 'special'. Then there's the hole shadow dimension thing... but I'm not exactly the only one that can access it." He responds before perking up. "Oh! I've got this!"

Shadow summons a sword using his magic. The sword he holds in his magic is made of pure darkness. It would have been awesome, if he hadn't lodged it accidentally in the ceiling.

"I've got it!" Shadow tugs on the sword, the blade popping out and smashing in half of the other chair's back. "I'll just dispel it," he says dejectedly. The sword vanishes in a poof.

"I'm just going to say that our time is up." Chuck removes his face again. Shadow leaves the room and allows the next Comment Warrior in, this one being a purple unicorn filly. She trots over happily to the chair and sits in it.

"Hello. And who might this cutie be?" Chuck teases.

"Watch it. I may look young, but I'm really hundreds of years old." The filly warned. Chuck's eyes opened wide.

"Okaaay.  So, who are you?" Chuck asks as he hopes to change the subject.

"I'm Pen Brush." The filly stated with a smile. Chuck glanced at her flank, noticing how she didn't have a picture like the others. Pen quickly uses bothe of her hooves to cover her rear. Her cheeks were more red than before.

"Hey! No staring!" She shouts. The man puts a hand over his eyes to prove he's not staring.

"So what's special about you, Pen?"

"Well, when I was one day walking along the beach, I saw a dying man on the beach. When I tried to save him, he only gave me a fob watch. He told me not to open it, but I just got a bit too curious and opened it anyway. When I did open it, my mind was invaded by someone called the 'timelord'. We fought over the power of my mind, but I won in the end, and got special powers like regeneration and extra hearts! And, the Doctor arcane talk through any time he wants. I also got this cool machine called the TARDIS, but not this other one called the Sonic Screwdriver. I wouldn't need it anyways since a unicorn's magic is enough."

I disagree, a voice said from Pen, not her own.

"Shut up." Pen tells the voice. Chuck looks at the watch on his arm and his eyes open widely.

"Sorry Pen, but your time is up. Next!" Pen walks out the door, allowing a small fox-like creature to hop through the door. It has large ears, a large fluffy tail, and a big amount of white fur around the neck area. It's also for some reason the size of a part bunny.

"Hello? Are you a lost animal or something?" Chuck asked. The creature hopped onto the chair, a pink scarf around it's neck.

"Hey. I'm not lost, and I'm guessing I'm in the right place?" The fox asked. Chuck moved back quickly in surprise.

"Okay. So what's your name, and what are you?"

"My name's Vega. And I'm an Eevee." Vega said. Chuck looked up, his face scrunched up in concentration. He smiled when he remembered when knew where they're from.

"Okay, are you male or female?" Chuck asked.

"Male." Vega dead panned.

"Then why are you wearing a pink scarf?" Chuck asked, hoping he wasn't... you know.

"You see, my sister accidentally took my blue scarf, so I had to take hers because I don't like the cold. Why?"

"Oh nothing. Any attacks you can show me?" Chuck asked eagerly. Vega got closer and opened his mouth wide. He took a chomp on Chuck's hand, fortunately not drawing blood. Chuck screamed in pain.

"Ah! Hey, get off!" Chuck shook his hand around, getting the Eevee off in a matter is seconds. "Was that really the only attack you could show me?!"

"Well, it's to small in here to use Quick Attack, I might blow myself up if I use Trump Card, and these chairs don't look like they can withstand Hyper Voice."

"Yeah, yeah. Great. And it looks like your time is up." Chuck said, hoping to get the Eevee out of there before anymore damage could happen. Vega walked out of the room quietly. The door swings open as a disguised creature walks in. He has a tattered cape billowing behind him, and a strange looking helmet obscuring his head, save for his glowing orange eyes.

"And you might be?" Chuck asked as he nursed his hand.

"Necroesphere," the figure responded. He opted to stand instead of sit down.

"Strange name." Chuck looks him up and down. "So your not a pony or anything like the norm of this group. What are you?"

"That's classified."

"Okay I guess? So, why did you join the Comment Warriors?" Chuck asks as he repositions into a more comfortable position.

"It's easier to relax when I beat them up."

"That's not true! You like them all, especially that Pen pony!" A voice shouted from one of Necroespehere's gauntlets.

"Quiet you!" The unknown species shouts at his arm. "That was my secret. I sometimes hate having you on this thin sometimes."

"Live with it," the voice responded. Necroesphere slaps the gauntlet. He looks up to see Chuck giving him a knowing smirk. The creature's eyes glare at Chuck, who looked away and threw his hands up in surrender. Chuck reaches into his pocket and pulls out a slip of paper he was given before this whole thing started.

"So it says here you can transform. Care to explain how?"

"Nope."

"Demonstrate?" Chuck hoped.

"Sure. Insanity form!" Necroesphere's body starts leaking off living shadow's.

"On second thought, I think our time is up." Chuck said quickly. Necroesphere's body stops leaking and he exits the room. In next the next Comment Warrior, this one surprising Chuck.

A young, tall man in a mottled green-gray cloak walks in, his footsteps completely muffled by his special enchanted running shoes. At his right side is a double-scabbard, the hilts of a dagger jutting out from the upper slot, while a sword hangs just below. On hi left side is another scabbard, with a single dagger in it. Strapped to his back is a long bow and a quiver of arrows. All in all, he seems to be the most normal of the warriors Chuck's had the misfortune to speak with.

"Hello. And your name might be?" Chuck asks.

The man sits in the nearly destroyed chair. The cloaked man pulls back his hood, revealing a pair of golden-hazel eyes and brilliant, fiery red locks of neatly shaved hair. "Aye, tha name's Ironwright. Hephaestus Ironwright, ta be exact."

Chuck holds a hand to his chin in concentration. "Where have I heard that?" He mumbled to himself.

"Maybe it's god of tha forge, ya numbskull." Ironwight suggested, his accent slightly ticking off Chuck.

"Right. Well, you don't look big enough to be a blacksmith. Most are usually buff, right?"

"Yea, tha' be true. I also don't use me forge when in this guise."

Chuck furrowed his brow. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, laddie, that I am not all that I seem." With that, the man stood up again, his cloak turning into mist along with his weapons. Before he can become fully naked, however, his short hair bursts into flame, his eyes gaining a red-orange tint as they grew wider than normal.

"I'm a were-man, lad!" With that, there's a small burst of flames, which somehow doesn't even create heat, and where the young man once stood is now a quite tall, well-built unicorn stallion with the shadow of a beard on his muzzle. The flames on his head don't die out, nor do the ones on his tail.

"And do you also carry the attribute of fire usage?" Chuck asked, looking at the mane atop Ironwight's head. Ironwight rolled his eyes.

"Ya dummy, tha flames are my mane and tail!"

"Right. So, what's your story?"

""Oh, I... see," Chuck said uncertainly. "So, why did you join the Comment Warriors?"

"Chuck, I been alive fer well over five thousand years. I was born not but ten years before the great n' beautiful Princess Luna became Nigh'mare Moon. It as aroun' tha' same time tha' I was saved from death by me dad's pet phoenix, an' we are one. I decided tha protectin' me old city inn't enough, not anymore. I needed somethin' ta do, somethin' ta keep me occupied other than keepin' watch, so I opened me up a store."

Chuck nods at the end of the story and checks his watch. "Chuck's watch beeps. Checking it, he sees that the time is up. "Well, it's been nice meeting you, Mr. Ironwright, but it is time for the next warrior."

Ironwright nods as he stands up. "I'll be leavin' ya to it, then. Good luck with tha rest; soma them can be quite mad. Ye might even consider skippin' Wild Card's introduction entirely. He's a wee bit more'n mad."

"I'll take your advice," Chuck replies as Ironwright trots out the door. "I'll probably need it." He mumbles to himself. The door opens again, a griffin walking in.

"'Sup? I'm Undead." He raises a claw, and men of chocolate rise out of the ground. They pull the chair to Undead, who sits down in it as if he were about to die.

"And why did you join the Comment Warriors?" Chuck asks.

"I heard you get to do some really cool shit, so I did it." Undead answers from his lazy position. Chuck rolls his eyes.

"Well, if you're not going to tell me anything else, I guess our time's up." Undead looks at Chuck from the spot of the ceiling he was staring at.

"Fine!" Undead gets up, sends the chocolate guards back underground, and opens the door. The door nearly breaks off from his strength and anger. Chuck sighs in defeat, knowing there was soon to be more.

The door slowly opens, revealing a dark blue stallion. "Hey, am I in the right place?"

Chuck nods at the pony. The stallion trots over and sits in the chair. "And you are?"

"I'm Alyx."

"So, Alyx. Why did you join the Comment Warriors?" Chuck asks.

"It seemed like a fun place to blow off some steam. That, and Pen recommended it to me."

"Pen, eh? So that makes two with a mare in mind." Chuck teases. "Just kidding. Anyway, anything else you need to say?"

Alyx looks down at his hind legs, his eyes squinted in concentration. Chuck watched as Alyx was thinking, but inwardly frowned as he noticed his eyes slowly getting misty.

"Hey, you don't have to spill any beans." Chuck said. Alyx looked at him in slight shock.

"I wasn't going to cry! I swear!" Alyx defended himself. Chuck rolled his eyes to the ceiling.

"Doesn't matter anyways, you're time's nearly up anyways." Alyx started whining, but reluctantly got out of the room. Chuck looked back at his watch, intently studying the design of the device.

The wall explodes behind him. He cautiously looks behind him to see a robotic looking pony standing over the wreckage.

"Hello. And what's your name? And can you explain why you blew up my wall?!" Chuck asks. The robot slowly, and robotically, walks to the chair.

"Answer: Anhero. And I did it because I don't like using magic to open them." The robot responds.

"Right, well, can you explain why you joined the Comment Warriors?" Chuck asks as he wipes away some dust from his shoulder.

"Answer: My memory was wiped clean, and I was told that it would restore my memory."

"Uh-huh. So, anything special you can do?" Chuck asks, getting annoyed at the way he answers. Anhero gets up and turns to the chair. He raises a metallic front hoof and breaks the chair down in one blow. Chuck facepalms with both hands.

"Just get out." Anhero slowly walks out the door. Chuck shakes his head and removes his face from his palms.

Chuck looks at his watch. "Well, it seems we've got to meet the Comment Warriors, so tune in for some of their amazing battles. Be careful who you root for, because anything can happen. And some Warriors might come in later than others, and I think I missed a few. Let's see how this works out."

The room darkens once more, leaving a silhouette golf a man in a chair.