The first thing I noticed was the cold. The night before was warm enough to not use a blanket, and the temperature was supposed to increase throughout the week. Alas, the breeze shivered my body. I was awake, but still far too tired to open my eyes. Instead I rolled onto my side in an effort to warm myself. Wait...this is far too comfortable to be my bed, my eyes shot open. Where ever I was, it sure as Hell wasn’t my room. Everywhere I looked was open field, no trees, no flowers, just grass. The night sky had been replaced with a clear blue one, and birds chirped merrily from above. I rubbed my eyes and grabbed my glasses (which were mysteriously right next to me), to study my surroundings clearly. I took a deep breath, hmm, the air is too fresh for it to be Philly I thought. It was clear I was in the middle of nowhere.
I stood up, clothed in only my pajamas (and by pajamas I mean underwear and socks). Wherever I was, the colors were 10 times brighter, it made me sick to my stomach. I felt like I was stuck inside a coloring box. “Hello?” I said confused. I got up off the ground and stood awkwardly. “Hello!?” I called out louder. “Is anyone here!?” I yelled. This time I was answered with a vague shout. I squinted, in the distance I saw a silhouette of someone.
“Hey! Over here!” I yelled, waving my hands in the air. The figure moved closer and closer. Okay! Maybe this guy can help me get home!I thought. I continued to wave the air, and the figure kept coming. I started to make out a few more details, Wait...is that...no...it can’t be...there is no possible way.... The figure stopped around 20 feet from me, I stared in disbelief. In front of me was a pony, there was no doubt about it. However it wasn’t the kind of pony I knew in my world, but yet, I knew who it was.
My mouth was dry as the Sahara, my body frozen in a state of shock. “D-D-D-DERPY!?!?” I stammered out. The grey pegasus took a step back upon hearing her name. “How do you know my name?” she said nervously in her dopey voice. I somehow resisted passing out on the spot, but just barely. I became dizzy, is this a dream? I thought. Instead of pinching myself, I threw a wild jab towards my cheek like an idiot. Needless to say, it hurt.
Derpy tilted her head curiously, “Who-er, what are you?” she asked. I was still retching in pain to answer. Without warning, the walled eyed mare took off in the air and flew over a small hill. “Wait!” I said with no effect. This is bad! Really, really bad! Am I having some kind of schizophrenic meltdown?I thought. Slowly gaining back feeling in my face, I started to walk towards the hill Derpy flew over.
Peeking over the top, my jaw dropped to the ground. I was in Ponyville, thee Ponyville. Unicorn, Pegasi, and Earth Ponies crowded the streets and shops of the small town. A couple of ponies saw me and stared in awe. One of them screamed, “Oh sweet Celestia, what is that!?” Well that really helped my self esteem. The outburst attracted the attention of a few other passers. I slowly walked towards the town smiling awkwardly. Some ponies ran away, others stared like I had 4 heads.
Two ponies with steel armor and spears at the ready ran towards me. “Who are you, what are you doing here!?” one of them asked angrily. I let out a sigh, “Maybe you can tell me!”
~
You never really know how fat you are until you’re in nothing but your underwear and sock, and tons of ponies are gawking at you. After a brief discussion with the guards, I was in chains and on an express train towards Canterlot. I was doing a good job keeping my composure during this, however it didn’t help being restrained like an animal.
We (being me and some Royal Guards) arrived in Canterlot a couple of hours later. One of the guards had given me a blanket to conceal myself in, it was greatly appreciated. The Equestrian capital was more beautiful than I had thought it would be. The structures and buildings boasted amazing design, it was a bit gaudy, but didn’t fail to impress.
When we arrived to the station, there were many guards waiting. One of whom I recognized instantly, “Shining Armor?” I said stepping out of train. Twilight’s BBBFF looked at me with a scowl, “Silent creature!” he yelled. Well fuck you too I said to myself. I guess he was more relaxed around his sister.
The mass of soldiers escorted me towards Canterlot Castle. We went inside the fortress and into a large hall.
Shining Armor approached an official looking pony, “I request an immediate meeting with Celestia.” he said. The pony gave him the stink eye,
“Whatever for? The princess is very busy.” she said. Shining Armor said nothing, but stepped out of the way so she could see me. I gave her a little wave and her face went pale. “What is that?” she asked Shining Armor. Really? Am I that ugly?
After a few more minutes of talking, I was escorted towards the throne room. The closer I got, the more fear gripped me. What is Celestia going to do!? I thought, If the internet is right, I’m either going to get raped, or imprisoned...or both! The sudden halt of my convoy interrupted my thoughts.
“ALL SILENT! CELESTIA IS ENTERING!” yelled Shining Armor. I heard some trumpets blasting, Oh Shit! Here she comes! Now, I knew that Celestia was tall. But actually seeing her really made the difference. She was at least 6’2 minus the horn. Her mere presence took away any of the confidence I had. She looked like she did in the show and her face didn’t even appear angry, just tired. I guess raising the sun takes a lot out of you. I thought.
Shining Armor stepped towards Celestia, “My highness, this strange creature was found in Ponyville. Nopony has been able to identify it.” Well it’s not like you asked me! I thought. Celestia observed me with curious eyes, I trembled like a toddler.
“Has he done anything?” she asked. Shining Armor shifted nervously before answering, “Well...no. But, he still is a new species.” he said.
Celestia stepped towards me, “Who are you?” she asked. Okay! Finally, I have a chance to talk! First impressions are everything! “I’m Jordan” I said nervously. Celestia’s eyes lit up, Damn! Did I do something wrong!
The Sun Goddess smiled lightly, “So you can talk?” she asked. “What exactly are you Jordan?”
Well this is a question I’ve never been asked before, “I’m a human.” I answered.
Silence. Pure silence. I looked around nervously, everypony stared as if they heard wrong. Finally Celesia snapped out of her daze, “Y-You’re a human?” she asked. I nodded nervously.
“Well...where are you from exactly.” she asked. Okay...this is a hard question to answer, “Uh...I really don’t know how to say this.” I started. Celestia gave me an understanding look.
“Maybe some privacy will help.” she said. The alicorn looked towards the large number of guards, “I wish to be alone.” she commanded. The guards looked shocked, but slowly backed out of the room. Shining Armor left last, but not before he gave me a suspicious look.
If I wasn’t scared before, I sure was now. It was just me and the most powerful Pony in Equestria. “Is that better?” she asked sweetly. I commanded my tongue to move, “Y-Yes..” I lied.
I guess I should explain this slowly I thought. “Umm...er...do you have television in Equestria?” I finally spat out. Celestia looked at me weirdly for the seemingly random question.
“Uh, yes.” she said. Okay, just keep it going. “Well, where I’m from we have T.V. too. And...one of the shows...uh...” Just spit it out! “One of the shows is...this.”
Celestia raised an eyebrow, “This? What do you mean?” Damn! “One of the shows...takes place in Equestria.” I answered.
Celestia still looked confused, “A lot of shows take place in Equestria.” she said. This is not working at all, I have to be more clearer.
“No! I mean, this is the show. You are a character on the show, the fictional show.” I said, hoping she would take the hint. I was wrong.
“Wait...I’m part of the show?” she asked. This is it! “Not just you, everything! In my universe...er, dimension...whatever, Equestria is a setting for a cartoon. Where I’m from, you are not real! Everything that happens is written!”
There was a pause, Celestia’s face was unreadable. “Are you telling me, that where you are from, my life is just part of a cartoon and not real?” she asked.
I twitched, “Well...you aren’t really the main character...” I said, followed by a weak chuckle.
Suddenly Celestia gave what could only be described as her
‘I’MABOUTTOSENDYOUTOTHEMOON’ face. My heart dropped to my stomach,This is how I die! I thought.
“GUARDS! TAKE THIS HUMAN TO THE HOLDING CELL!” she yelled in her Royal Canterlot voice.
~
You ever take a test that seems to never end? No matter how many answers you fill in or circle, there are always more to come? Imagine taking 50 of those tests, and you’ll know how I felt.
After dragging me off to my cramped cell, I was forced to answer questions about me and my world. The questions themselves were easy, but one section had around 100 questions! Not to mention I also had to take a VERY personal physical test in nothing but my underwear and socks! I couldn’t see outside, but I could tell it was late. When I had first arrived it was just noon, but I had been here for who knows how long. I wanted nothing more than to just wake up from this horrible nightmare.
I was resting on the ground when my cell door suddenly opened. “The princess would like to see you.” said a random guard. We all would ‘like’ things wouldn’t we? I thought.
When we arrived in the throne room Celestia was waiting, however not alone. “Twilight Sparkle...” I said. The lavender unicorn looked nervous that I knew her name, but after a reassuring glance from Celestia, calmed down.
“We’ve gathered quite a lot of information from the tests I gave you.” said Celestia. No shit?! “I want you to know that I believe you, and I’m trying all I can to get you back home.” Well...that’s actually really nice. “However, I can’t have you in Equestria looking like that.” she continued. “So, I’m afraid I’ll have to change your appearance.” Wait, what?
Without warning, Celestia’s horn glowed and I was lifted into the air. I tried to struggle free but the hold was too tight. My body suddenly started to feel warm..no not warm HOT! The heat was coming from the inside of my body, it was boiling my organs. I closed my eyes and screamed in pain.
The next thing I knew, I was on the ground. My vision was foggy and my muscles were sore. I tried to stand up, but fell forward on my forelegs. WAIT! FORELEGS!?! “Wait did you do?” I asked.
Celestia cleared her throat, “I’m sorry Jordan, but if I told you, you would’ve resisted.” She levitated a mirror in front of my face. I grabbed my glasses (which once again were fine) and put them on roughly. The reflection looked nothing like I was used to.
Purple fur, a long black mane, red eyes. “HOLY SHIT I’M A PONY!”
