Jerks with Jewels

by coltesque

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy
Length: 3036

After a humiliating defeat, The Flim Flam Brothers stumble upon a sunken boulder in the middle of the everfree forest. inside mirrors their success, and puts them back in business. How will their new success affect the citizens of Ponyville?

Note: Re-uploaded from 2/10/2013, no new chapters have been made as of now.

Flim and Flam stumble upon a boulder in the middle of the Everfree Forest, with little or no navigational skills to bat. their curiosity lends them to find a mysterious natural occurrence that will solve all of their problems. With their new found wealth, the two decide to help the citizens of Ponyville one last time with a monstrous formation of jewels for all to see and buy. are they really doing this from past retribution, or is this simply another trick? Go ahead and find out!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-10 03:00:01 UTC

Chapter 1: Lost and Found

Chapter 1: Lost and Found

The dampened chill of night soars passively over the inhabitants of the Everfree Forest. Trees twist and turn to the elemental dance of the grazing winds, releasing their captive leaves into the fluttering breeze. Lunar skies fall heavily on the thick, top layer of forest vegetation; casting a filtered, checkerboard style light across the lands below. Chunks of plant decay, disembodied seedlings, and mud tracks lay scarred on the frivoling land.

Two colts trained in con-expertise, Flim and Flam, are venturing notoriously through the depths of the forest. Are they searching for riches in this forest? Fame? Undiscovered new land? No, they just got lost. Sadly, these two have a knack for being in the wrong places at the wrong time, this is no exception. Even with the assistance of their Super Cider Squeezy 6000, they are just as dumbfounded without. Having been humiliated and scorned at the Apple family incident, the two traveled town to town, with nowhere left to go. Shunned and scorned, they were left only the most remote of areas for shady business practices and crumbs of profit.

“Well then, brother, if it was not for your poor skills at navigation, we would be back in Mainhattan by now!” Flim yelled non-empathetically at his rival sibling.

“My navigational skills? If your lame brain was leading the way, we probably would fall off a cliff or into a swamp bed.” Flam retorted wittingly.

“At least those locations would have more hospitality than a forest with cockatrice and timber wolves brother!”

“It was your lame map that pointed us in this direction anyhow!”

“You’re the one that drew it dipstick!”

“My maps always run without a hiccup, they’re alwa-“ before the senile pony could finish his witty retort, the Cider Squeezy jolted fiercely and then halted. Flam was tossed expertly across the driver seat while Flim clinched on just enough to keep him parked in place.

“You were saying?” Stated Flim in a sarcastic manner.

“Can it, Peppermint Larry…” With a quick flash of his horn, Flim transported instantaneously to Flam’s side while chuckling graciously. The Cider Squeezy doesn’t normally halt, its mechanical problems were repaired recently, something else was tampering with it. Without another word, Flam stared directly at the culprit, menacing in size and scale from where he lay. It was a large boulder, around half as tall as the vehicle they arrived in and far more dense. It had a rough, coarse texture with slight burn marks traced across its edges, obviously caused by a levitation spell. Both Flim and Flam stood partially uniform against this granite victim, which dented the Cider Squeezy’s front, only enough to fracture its phenotype.

However, what caught Flam’s curiosity was not simply the tampered stone texture, but the aura of light being shone through the base cracks of the rock. Something mystical lay underneath the boulder, something Flam unknowingly wanted.

“Brother, we must remove this boulder!” Flam expressing said, but not without a quick response from Flim.

“But brother, we don’t have the strength to lift an entire boulder; we just moved our vehicle many miles.”

“Then we’ll find a way, quickly, to the Cider Squeezy!” Without a single hesitation, the two brothers head to the cider squeezy and come up with a plan.

“Alright brother, I have an idea!” Flim boasted with an enlightened tone.

“Do tell!”

“Suppose we take the cider machine and use it to lift this boulder…”

“Brilliant my dear Watson! You cracked the case!”

“Now is not a time for pop culture my dear brother, now is the time for lifting this boulder!” Flim and Flam gingerly hop off the vehicle’s hood and activate the machine using their remaining strength. The land moves in a shallow vibration, rustling the grounded grasses and shrubs in blissful coordination. Shears of wind violently bash against the boulder, ascending it from the depths of its treading ground. With an instantaneous swing, the boulder is tossed a far distance from its resting point, ending up in an unknown location of the forest.

Flim and Flam trace their steps cautiously as they traverse down the sloped ground leading directly towards the source of light. Patches of lime green grasses on top of coconut brown soil scatter across the relatively flat land, consuming the center piece of water. A thick layer of steam muffles the crisp, cool night air from the surface world. Flowers, grasses, and shrubs lay bountiful and dance presumptuously to the appearance of unknown company. Both are enchanted by this slice of heaven, an untouched humid paradise!

“Now who in the right mind would cover up and ignore this bountiful place?” Flim confirmed and nodded his head in conjunction with his older brother.

“Whoever it was would probably have better eyesight if they were blindfolded.” Both laughed hysterically in sync with one another, leaving a lively premise to this otherwise desolate wonderland.

“Or, or maybe they found a nicer hole a couple of doors down” Both collapsed in hilarity, laughing their tails off.

“Maybe they accidentally dropped a rock on this hole, and couldn’t get in again” Flam regarded with a false security, but not a single laugh was uttered, even the crickets chirped harmonically to the tense silence.

“… What’s the Joke?”

“Hmm?”

“What’s the… Nevermind…”muttered Flim, quickly running off the topic.

“Well… I’m ready to take a swim now… umm… would you be so dear as to hold my stuff brother?” Flim said as the dropped ball still echoed awkwardly.

“Of course brother, what else are siblings for?” Flam stepped appropriately towards the younger brother with a single, tender hoof held front wise. As Flim loaded his hat and a bag which consists of all types of jewels, Flim prepared himself for a direct plunge. However, Flam slipped on the loose soil, dropping the last remaining gems and his brother’s hat into the pond. Flim froze in shock, quickly falling away from the pond and directly into his brother’s face.

“You Dunderhead! that was the last bag of jewels in our name!!!” Yelled Flim in immeasurable levels of frustration as Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum continue their argument.

“Well if you didn’t lend your stuff so close to the pond, then maybe I wouldn't have dropped them IN!”

“Oh so it’s my responsibility now? You were the one holding them brother!”

“Well it was your responsibility for your stuff and my burden to carry them, it’s still you’re fault” with that line, Flam severed the argument with a smock arrogance and the face of his infuriated brother left over. Before Flim could counter, his anger was silenced when two identical bags and two identical hats containing them were rested on the pond’s shore.

“Brother… what does that look like to you?” Flim questioned

“Our bag? No wait… bags brother, but we only had one bag.” The two curiously walk towards the identical cloned materials, confirming their existence. They weren’t soggy, they were completely dry, as if their presence was never tampered by the pond.

“These are real! These are our bags!” Yelled Flam in absolute shock

“What are you waiting for? Open them!” At that moment, They both stood in shock, their jewels duplicated!

“Brother, our jewels, they’re identical!”

“Yes Brother, they are indeed, but why would someone challenge themselves to come into a cave undetected and give us free jewels?” As Flam finished his remark, an idea spawned into his head.

“Brother”

“Yes?”

“Could you be so gracious and hand me one of those jewels?” Flim handed a blood red stone and Flam tossed it into the water, in a matter of mere seconds, two hopped out of the pond with equal momentum as they were thrown in. they were exactly the same in size, color, shape, and quality.

“This pond… this pond is the answer to our problems!” Flim screeched as he skipped slightly in his hoofs.

“We could use this to pay off our debts!” Flam said as he stared at the gem in contempt.

“Or buy ourselves a new home!”

“Or purchase our long beloved sweet apple acres!”

“Or maybe…” Flim paused, collecting his thoughts as a stroke of brilliance overturned his attitude.

“Brother, I know how we can get everything we want and more…” Flim maniacally said, slowly rubbing his hooves coarsely together.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“I think I am brother, and I believe it starts with this little town of Ponyville!”

“Brother, I do believe we’re back in the business!” The two laugh deeply as they toss in their remaining gems.

Chapter 2: Jewel Mountain

Chapter 2: Jewel Mountain

“Step right up everypony!” Said Flim, echoing through his microphone.

“We’re here to introduce to you the greatest”

“Most unbelievable”

“Incomprehensible”

“I-can’t-believable offer you will ever hear in your life!!!” Storms of ponies flourish in a u-shaped formation around the gargantuan ski slope of gems. In this center, assorted fruit and vegetable stands sell their commodities for all to buy. Only native sellers dare to compete on these soils, every native besides The Flim Flam Brothers themselves. The Cider Squeezy tracks back and forth behind this monstrous formation of crystals and jewels, bringing back more and more to stack onto the pile. Attention spreads across the citizens of Ponyville, observing as this mountain of wealth crawls to visually peak the great city of Canterlot and beyond. Everypony for miles could witness this great mound form in width and length.

With this occurring scene, Fluttershy tries her best to ignore the crowds and continue on with her shopping. She needs to purchase all sorts of edibles for her darling animals, especially for the ever-so picky Angel. Ponies of all ages, shapes, and sizes continuously come, bustling in bundles across the thin intersection of shops. getting shoved and pushed, Fluttershy utters rampant apologies as the discord continues.

“That’s right everypony, this is no swindle, we offer a true, valid piece of wealth for every one of you to afford!” Flam boasts as his echoes travel to every home in Ponyville.

“What if I told you that this offer will cost you less than 1000 bits per gem?”

“Brother you've got it all wrong, these fine people deserve a better offer!”

“My word you’re right brother, let’s say we knock down those prices to 100 bits per!”

“Further!”

“50 Bits?”

“FURTHER BROTHER!” Flam screamed as the hordes of people hop on their hoof tips in excitement.

“10 Bits?”

“Almost brother, almost!”

“ONE BIT!”

“That’s how you do it brother, that’s how you do it!” Flam screamed, throwing his hat up near the front center of the crowd, falling to the ground and landing back onto his head.

“Everyone! Our jewels will be sold here for a measly ONE bit per!” With this proposition, every soul in Ponyville dashes towards the tremendous hill, drooling at the mouth with lustful thoughts, Spike included. Twilight sits patiently inside the library, ignoring the bustling crowds as she continues to her studies. Being that her mind is near sound-proof while reading, the jewel advertisement simply slipped by.

“Spike, could you hand me volume 2 of the “Economics” series?” Twilight promptly asks as she scans the last few words in the text. Not a sound was heard, unusual being that Spike will normally rustle the shelves, even if he never speaks (which, in itself, is highly unlikely).

“Spike? Did you hear me?” Twilight unstuck her face from the inner folding of the book and looks across the room, with no signs of Spike anywhere. After neatly shutting her book, Twilight rushes downstairs, yelling her young assistant’s name throughout the house. The upstairs and downstairs living room showed no signs of him.

“Maybe something caught his attention, I better check the porch” Twilight conveniently told herself as she dashed towards the door. Both hinges flew open, revealing Spike sitting on the porch, leaking waterfalls of saliva at the colossal tower of gems.

“Spike!” yells Twilight, however, he remains too busy staring at the jewels. With a flicker of her horn, she picks him off the ground by his tail and turns him by a half circle for eye contact. Spike keeps no focus however, he is still dazed and confused.

“Woah… what happened…” Spike said as his head turns and his eyes roll.

“Spike, what are you doing out he-“ Before Twilight could finish, the luscious glow of the ambient stones caught her eyes in disbelief.

“Spike, this is what you were staring at?”

“Staring at what… Oh right!” Spike said, pointing his left hand downward with his index finger extended.

“Twilight! They’re selling gems over there for one bit a piece!” Yelled Spike, frantically flailing his arms fanatically.

“Those gems are so immensely beautiful, why would somepony just give them out for near nothing?” Stated Twilight, questionably turning her head sideways.

“I don’t know… but whoever they are they sounded oddly familiar…”

“I Think I have an idea who… come on Spike, we have some investigating to do.” Twilight trotted down after her exposition, heading towards the mysterious gem tower. Twilight observes the frantic mess of ponies as they hop onto one another in excitement, nearly causing a mob. Mumbles of familiar tones soon become audible as she approaches closer and closer to the jewel mountain.

“Before we sell this bounty of gems, we would like a guest, who here has a fantastic talent of gem detection?” Flim explained as he looked across a citizen sea with rippling tides and waves. One pony in specific stood out, flailing her front hoofs around and shoving through the crowds to reach the top. This specific pony was none other than Rarity, the most divine stylist in all of Equestria.

“Me! Me! I want to go, pick me!” whined Rarity with a squeaking tone. Flim and Flam both nodded in agreement, picking her out of the crowd.

“Wonderful Ms… Rarity, correct?” Flim said as he skied down the gems.

“You remembered my name!!” Rarity screeched, slightly fainting on top of a sliding velvet love sofa. Flim and Flam are stumped, standing in oddity as to where this sofa even came from. Regardless, they continue their pitch.

“Well yes… Ms. Rarity, we are here to generously hand you over 100 gems for being our guest!” Flam yelled, hyping the crowd with a preaching echo. Screams of joy erupt from Rarity as she wiggles her appendages cheerfully.

“That could be enough to finish my new clothes line, garnished in only the finest gems!” Rarity said, lying down with a tender hoof holding her head upright.

“Absolutely my dear! These gems could accomplish that and so much more!” said Flim, awaiting his brother’s fine response.

“All you need to do is tell our lovely audience here that these gems are the real deal!”

“What? That’s all? Why of course darling, I’d love to!” Rarity sat herself up, throwing the chair aside with a convenient front porch landing near her home. She scaled slightly from the foot of the mountain, gathering one of each jewel, slowly levitating around her in a gravitational-like bind.

“WHY YES! Yes, these are all real!” Rarity exclaimed, with a following cheer of excitement from the gathered citizens. Under all this excitement, Twilight pounded her way across the stage floor, with Spike courteously following suit. An eerie silence plagues the environment as she steps in front of the two business men.

“I knew it all along! It’s you two!” Twilight said as Spike slightly mimicked her movements. Flim and Flam give each other a sarcastic look and chuckle immensely, sliding to the very bottom step of jewels.

“Why hello there young stranger, I do believe we haven’t met before…” Flim said as he tips his hat in regards to the velvet mare.

“Cut the act you two, I know you’re up to no good! What are you doing in Ponyville?”

“We, as the professional businessmen we are, felt there was a dissatisfaction with our previous product, so we came back with a new offer that’ll right our wrongs.” Spoke Flam softly, slightly comforting Twilight’s uncertainty.

“This has to be some sort of trick, you tw-“

“I beg to differ Twilight" Interrupted Rarity

"I find these two rouges quite kind and sincere. They gave me gems to help my poor little store, and they’re real too!” Rarity exclaimed, gently batting her eys against Flam’s side as he scoots towards the opposite direction.

“Hear that Ms… Sparkle, I believe, your jewel extraordinaire friend can’t help but agree with us, and in a few minutes we’ll be selling our authentic products.” Flim arrogantly said as he starred face to face with Twilight.

“If they’re so authentic where did you ge-“

“And that’s where we have to cut you short, I’m sorry madam but our hungry customers are waiting for their order”. Flim said as he tossed out Twilight with his magic, landing her mere meters from her house. Twilight’s head became chili red and steaming, she knows something is rancid about this whole pitch; she has no clue what though. Instead of fighting a one mare battle, she needed to research this situation. throwing her front doors open, Twilight scans the shelves for any useful information.

Meanwhile, jewels are being sold left and right. Ponies of all ages and species purchase their fair share, throwing their bits onto the table for equal exchange. Some even purchased large chunks of the mountain, hiring unicorn moving crews to ship their jewels home. Everypony is fanatic about these jewels, so much so that nearly everyone is spending their entire savings in gems, looking for profit. Those who don't purchase that way are surely pulling from loans, including Rarity, taking her loan straight from the Equestrian banking system.

In an attempt of secrecy, The Flim Flam Brothers took shelter behind the remaining hill of jewels. No other ponies are in sight; their occupation is in purchasing mounds of jewels.

“Brother this is genius! Our greatest pitch ever!” whispered Flim to his older brother Flam

“Indeed brother, and when they realize it, it will be too late!” The two chuckle maniacally, carrying every sack of bits into the Super Cider Squeezy 6000.