Discord goes to Earth. Hilarity ensues

by maximus25

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Discord, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Comedy
Length: 4575

Discord is bored. Discord is angry that the previous sentence rhymed in such an oxymoronic way. Discord should butt out, this is MY description, not his. Anyway, Discord arrives in the human world and finds it's not all fun and games.

Being a God of Chaos and Disharmony on a leash is no fun, so Discord decides to go on vacation with his favorite species, humanity.

When he arrives, it is nothing like he expected. He discovers that the human world is MUCH different than his native Equestria.

And of course, hilarity ensues.

Published 2013-02-07 07:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-05 22:32:33 UTC

Day Discord in Equestria

It was a bright and sunny day in Ponyville. The birds were singing, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Except that one pink one that followed Pinkie Pie around, but we won’t count that one. It was a special cloud, for a special pony. That’s a story for another time, though. This story is about the one who made said cloud, your benevolent ruler The Narrator.

“It was not! I made it!” A voice rang out over the town. With a loud snap and a flash of light, a multifaceted creature named Discord appeared. Sigh, and I was having fun, too. Anyways, this thing was called a draconequus. He has the body of a serpent, a lion’s paw, an eagle claw, and a bunch of other things I’m too lazy to mention. Also, he had a tail.

So, why was Discord in Ponyville, of all places, and where was the chaos? Isn’t he imprisoned in stone or something? Well he was, until Celestia ordered Twilight Sparkle, her faithful student and badass purple unicorn, to free him and turn him good. This was a smashing success due mostly to Twilight’s friend Fluttershy, a timid yellow pegasus who is briefly mentioned in this story.

He was in Ponyville because the Royal Sisters, Princess Celestia and Luna, decided to kick him out of the castle for a while as they cleaned up after The Incident. Notice how those words are capitalized, it means they are important. Important enough that said sisters have forbidden even me from revealing the information pertaining to said event.

“You’re throwing too much exposition into this. I’m gonna go talk to that unicorn over there while you bore the audience to death!” With a snap and another flash, Discord was standing in front of an mint green colored unicorn. How rude that he would insult me like this, but I suppose I can let the conversation take its due course.

“Hello there little green pony. My name is Discord, perhaps you’ve heard of me?”

The pony looked up in awe, her yellow eyes widening at the sight before her, “Y-you’re him! Discord, the bringer of the end, downfall of Harmony! Creator of the Everfree forest and Humans!” Her face lit up in a bright smile and she began lightly bouncing in place.

Discord froze, one of the words the mare had said bouncing around in his head. This annoyed him greatly, he couldn’t focus on the word with it bouncing around in there! He pulled off his head and dumped the offending idea onto the ground. Bright yellow words spelled out the word, ‘human.’ “How do you know that word, little pony?”

She looked up from the strange sight on the ground, “Are you kidding me? I’ve been trying to prove humans exist for most of my life! I mean come on, doorknobs? What pony can open them but unicorns and some pegasi? I mean, obviously you can, with that claw, and griffins probably have no problems, but an earth pony would have to use her mouth and that’s gross when you factor in how many other ponies have used that same door. So, they had to have been built by a species that can use them. Humans is the answer to that.” She began bouncing around Discord, “And now that you’re here, I can finally prove my thesis and my roommate will stop thinking I’m a crazy pony!”

Discord began backing away, “Right. Well, I just remembered that I had some chaos to cause elsewhere. Gotta go bye!” He disappeared, leaving the strange human obsessed pony behind.

Suddenly, there was one cloud in the sky. On it rested a sunbathing draconequus who was quite cross, “Jeez! You could have at least warned me about that!”

I’m not the one who wandered off in the middle of ‘boring exposition’ leaving me to follow you. I’m The Narrator, you’re the character. We each have our parts to play, and this relationship won’t work out if you keep breaking the fourth wall to pieces.

“I do not break the fourth wall! I serenade it, dancing a fantastic salsa with it before setting it back where it belongs. Upside down and with me on the other side, of course, but still in relatively the same area. Sometimes.”

Whatever. Just be quiet, and do your job. Now, Discord was still thinking about the humans. It had been a while since he had remembered that poor race he created. Maybe he should go pay them a visit.

“Oh, how clever. Turn my blunder around and make it seem like I was working for you all along.” Discord waved his claw, and the cloud transformed from regular water moisture to cheese. He tore off a chunk and bit into it, spraying juice everywhere, “Mmmm, this licorice cloud is delicious. Alrighty then, off to the human world it is, where danger and mayhe-”

Ahem.

“Fine, whatever. Go ahead.” He sighed and took another bite.

Right. Where danger and mayhem are sure to find him and be created by him. Things will not be so simple, as he is about to find out.

“Wait, what do you mean about to find out?” Discord tried to stop himself from snapping.

TOO LATE. Discord snapped his fingers for a final time in this chapter, and possibly in Equestria, disappearing with a loud Bang and a scream of protest. Ponies all over would remember this day as the time chaos was defeated for an indeterminable amount of time.

Day Hilarity on Earth

It was a dark and dreary day in Chicago, but that was everyday there. This adds nothing to the story, I just felt like insulting it. Where we’re going, it’s a little less dark, and not dreary at all, but compared to any given town in Equestria it was Chicago. I’m not gonna give you a name, because Discord doesn’t know.

People were going about their normal, uniform days. Get up, take a shower, get dressed, have coffee, go to work, blah blah blah. On an unsuspecting intersection in a generic town in America, a bright flash of light broke up the monotony of the day with a traffic jam, three accidental pregnancies (we shan’t speak of these), and a large lizard like thing in the middle of Broadway. Damn it! I have revealed myself.

Understandably, every living thing within eyesight of Discord ran screaming like peasants in the wake of an invading army. He paid them no mind, standing up and stretching his back after such a large scale teleport. Something was off, though, he felt like it shouldn’t be so hard to stand up straight. It was like a giant weight was pressing down on his shoulders, making him crouch slightly.

“Things must work differently here. I’ll fix that in good time.” He simply willed gravity to stop pressing down on him so hard. It continued on, an immovable force in the face of a god. “What gives? I can always control the fundamental makeup of the universe.”

It’s like you just said, things work differently here. You can’t just go around changing things to your will, there are others here.

“I am the God of Chaos and Disharmony. The most powerful force in the known universe is at my beck at call. I could destroy this world with a snap of my fingers. In fact, I think I might just to prove you wrong!” With a dramatic flourish, snap he did.

The world attempted to be destroyed, but was unfortunately subdued by an as yet unforeseen force. Sorry guy, thems the breaks.

Discord was not so easily broken. He snapped his fingers again and again, each time attempting to do something chaotic to the world. Each time, nothing happened except that he got angrier. He tried everything, cotton candy clouds, turning the roads into soap, even just making his chocolate milk of glass explode after he threw it. Nothing.

Eventually, he figured that it must be big time stuff that was stopped. He tried once again, this time aiming for a taxi, attempting to do something to it. To his surprise the taxi burst into flames, then exploded as the flames reached the gas tank. “Aha! I did it, I blew up that ugly yellow thing!”

We’re all so very proud. Now, would you like me to clue you in, or do you want to figure it out on your own?

“Don’t help! You already said, you’re ‘The Narrator’ and I’m the character. How am I supposed to mature and grow if you tell me the inside scoop on every challenge I come across? Even though I’m supposed to be omnipotent and know the secrets anyway. Yet another power I can cross off my diminishing list.” He pulled a list out from behind his back and ticked a check box, stashing it once again when he was finished.

Fine, fine. Have fun, this one’s a real doozie to figure out. Also, there’s a human over there watching you snap your fingers and yell up into the sky.

“What?! Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Maybe this guy will have the answers I’ve refused to accept from you!” He began to walk towards the human, a short man with long brown hair.

On the other side of the fence (we can switch perspectives because we’re special) a young man stands on the sidewalk, frozen in terror. A living nightmare walks towards him as his mind screams at his legs to run, that thing just lit a taxi on fire by snapping its fingers! His legs are tired though, on account of all the walking he did that day, and they’re like naw man it’s cool. His name is Francis, and this may be the worst day of his life, or the best if he plays his cards right.

The lizard stopped in front of him, speaking in a voice that was slightly familiar to the man, “Hello there, human. It’s good to see that after all this time your species has elected to stop growing beards. Boy, are they itchy!” To demonstrate his point, Discord scratched at his beard, sending clumps of hair to the ground where they congregated into a hair monster and scampered away into the road.

“Actually, possible concussion related hallucination, I just can’t grow a beard. Guys still have them, and they’re wicked rad. Just not me.” The man cringed away as Discord leaned in to get a closer look.

“No, no no! It’s not that you can’t grow a beard, you just won’t. See, here,” He pointed a wickedly sharp claw at a spot on Francis’ face, “There’s a few hairs growing right there.” He rubbed the spot with his other appendage, a lion’s paw, and the hairs suddenly grew.

The boy now had three extremely long, pink, hairs growing out of his face. Understandably, he freaked out and attempted to run away. Unfortunately, as he turned his head, the hairs hit a sign, bounced off and slammed his head into the wall behind him. He fell into a merciful sleep.

“Well, that was a dud. Alright, Narrator dude. Summon me up some knowledge on my magic problem.” He looked around, “Now, where did that hair thing go? And wait, how do I have more magic now? I made a beard clipping golem and grew that kids beard when I could barely start a fire before.”

You’re on the right path. What changed between then and now?

“I started the fire, then you told me that some human was watching me. I walked towards him, and he said some nonsense about me being a hallucination. I did some more magic, and now we’re here.” He thought for a second, “Wait, the kid saw me snapping, then the fire started!”

Yes, almost there.

“As he perceived my magic, he absorbed and amplified it, allowing me to do greater magics by virtue of being near him! Minovsky science you do it again!” Discord jumped in the air and floated in a lazy circle above the felled human.

No, that was all wrong and terrible. You should feel bad about that, but you probably don’t. He saw you do a small bit of magic, and his mind allowed him to think he was hallucinating. He thought you were a monster, one that could do anything he could imagine. As this thought grew in strength, so too did you.

“Now that didn’t make any sense, but none of this makes sense. At the same time it made perfect sense, and I get it. This universe works by different rules. I seem to be the strongest thing they’ve ever seen.”

Right. You’re used to Equestria, where the fantasy is reality. Here, there’s nothing magical. It’s all science and cold hard facts. The humans believe things work a certain way, and there’s no one else around to say anything different, so the universe follows their rules. The strength of the human heart keeps gravity working, and a whole host of other things.

“So, in my absence my creations have worked their will on an entire universe. Very impressive, if wrong only because it’s so organized and neat. Looks like I’ll have to introduce a little chaos if I’m to ever get the chance to do anything fun again.”

That’s what I had planned. Now, this chapter is wrapping up nicely. Any last words before we go?

“Yes! I’d just like to say, to the audience-”

So sorry, we’re out of time.

Discord and human go on fantastic adventures. (Maybe)

“So, as I was saying-”

No, there’s no time for that, we have to continue The Plot.

“Help, audience. I’m being oppressed!”

Don’t listen to him. When you’re not around he gets all the freedom he wants. I take him for walks, he does his business, all that jazz. Now, onto the story. When we last left off Discord had learned of his sudden loss of power. Now, what are you going to do about it?

“I’m gonna go get it back! Discord grabs the human, and I go off in this direction!”

You just pointed straight up. You can’t go that way, as established.

“How am I supposed to pierce the vault of heaven if I can’t get there?”

While you’re being foolish, the human wakes up and begins struggling.

Said human screams, “Help! Someone! There’s a... well, to be honest I don’t quite know. But it’s trying to take me somewhere or something!”

Discord sighs, “Oh be quiet, it’s hard enough to concentrate without your yelling. By the way, I’m a draconequus, not that you would know what that is. My name is Discord, but a certain pink mare calls me Dissy. You’re not allowed to, as you are definitely not pink, and I don’t think you’re a mare.”

“Mare? As in, like a horse?” The human, who we know as Francis from the last chapter, stops struggling as he ponders this question.

“Of course not. Like a pony! Did I not make ponies on this planet?” Discord absentmindedly dropped the human and scratched his beard.

Francis picked himself up, “Aren’t ponies just tiny horses? Wait, why do I care?”

“They are much more than just ‘little horses’ but I can’t expect you to just know these things. So, what is it that you do, other than ask dumb questions?” Discord looked around, finding the streets still decidedly empty of humans.

“Uh, well... I tend to walk around the streets collecting bottles and junk. Sometimes I gotta kick some hobos, but not much else.”

“That was the most boring thing I’ve ever had the displeasure to witness. Come on, we’re gonna go do something fun!” Wrapping his arm around the human, Discord dramatically snapped his fingers. Nothing happened.

“Nothing happened, dude.” Francis stated, unimpressed.

“Oh right, I forgot. Hey, human, do me a favor. Can you fully believe that I can break the laws of physics and teleport around the Earth?” Discord looked at him expectantly.

“First of all, the names Francis. Second, I don’t see how believing that will do anything. Third, why did you even ask me?” Francis attempted to push the draconequus away, but was unsuccessful.

“That’s a dumb name!”

“What?”

“Your name, it is dumb. I’m changing it, right now. From here on I shall call you Mrs. Kittensworth!”

“But I’m a dude, dude.”

“Yes, your full title is Mr. Mrs. Kittensworth, but that just sounds silly. To answer your other question, something about human belief in the laws of physics makes them stronger than my magic can break. Believe in me, Mrs. Kittensworth, and I shall bring you anywhere in the world. I hope.”

“I don’t think so. I got bottles to collect, so I’m gonna go do that and not hang around with you.”

“NO! You’re going to believe in me so I can casually break the laws of physics because the only power I seem to l still have is the ability to talk to The Narrator!” Discord looked up, waiting for The Narrator’s reply.

“Uh, what are you doing? Who’s the narrator?” Previously named Francis, but now Mrs. Kittensworth asked.

“He’s telling the story, duh. Where are you, Narrator?! Come make fun of me! SAY SOMETHING!” Discord fell to his knees, screaming into the sky.

Oh please, like I’d give you the satisfaction.

“AHA! There you are!”

Damn it.

“Now it’s my turn to end the chapter!” Discord stopped Mrs. Kittensworth from running by tripping him with his tail.

No, no no. You haven’t done anything, I can’t release the chapter. The audience would be furious.

“Too bad! I just won’t do anything. If I don’t move, you can’t narrate!” With that, Discord sat on the ground, sticking out his tongue.

Damn you. Alright, you win. Next chapter though, get something done.

“I promi-”

HA! I ended it!

Something happens in this chapter

I lied.

The Plot is advanced in this chapter (Alternatively: Nothing happens in this chapter)

“That was a mean trick.” Discord said, looking up into where he thinks I am.

I know, but it’s alright. I’ll make it up to them somehow. But, enough of that, on to the story. Discord, you’re still trying to figure out how to get back home, or do anything with your magic. Mrs. Kittensworth, you’re trying to escape from him and forget all about this ordeal. Places everyone, we’re live in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

“You know he can’t hear you, right?” Discord said, picking up Mrs. Kittensworth and walking down the street. “Come on, Mrs. Kittensworth. We’re going to meet other humans.”

“You know I can walk, right dude?” The human said, struggling slightly, “And why do I have to go with you? Aren’t you a monster, or hallucination?”

“No, I’m not a monster. At least, not anymore...” Discord let the human down to stand on his feet, “I’m as real as you, seeing as how I just picked you up and tripped you earlier.”

The two walked in silence for a while, Mrs. Kittensworth pondering on what Discord had said. At least, what Discord had said to him and not yelled at the sky. He looked up, seeing just clear blue sky, and nothing else.

“So, where are you from, Discord dude?” Mrs. Kittensworth asked, looking up at Discord, who was attempting to straighten out his back.

“The magical land of Equestria.” Discord suddenly jumped forward, walking on his hands, “Why do you care? It’s not like it matters that you know. It adds nothing to your life.”

“I don’t know, it’s just something you ask people, ya know? I myself am from Boston.” Mrs. Kittensworth stopped, “Wait, did you just say ‘magical land of Equestria’?”

“Yes, I did. Is there something wrong with that?” Discord stood back up, “I already told you, it doesn’t matter. What matters is what’s going on here, right here, right now.”

Mrs. Kittensworth looked around, “Uh, walking? Scaring away anyone we come across?”

The two had been walking for a while, and no other people let Discord come near them, usually running in fright.

“Yeah, I guess you humans aren’t as used to me as you should be. Although...” He snapped his fingers, and a bowl of ice cream appeared in his lion paw. He took a bite, “Hmm, almost. I was going for blueberry, but this is chocolate.”

“Woah, how did you do that?” Mrs. Kittensworth was, unsurprisingly, surprised.

“Hello? Discord, god of chaos and disharmony, standing right in front of you?” He used the spoon to gesture to himself, spilling some ice cream on himself.

“Woah, dude. Can I have some chocolate flavored blueberry ice cream, mister Discord?” Mrs. Kittensworth asked, smiling up at Discord.

“I don’t see why you can’t.” He snapped his fingers, making a bowl of ice cream appear. “Just remember, I can do much more than that when at my full power, which I DON’T HAVE!” The last part was probably yelled at me, but The Plot is as immutable as ever.

Mrs. Kittensworth eagerly picked up the bowl and attempted to take a bite. The spoon bent around his mouth, preventing him from enjoying the food it was transporting. “Hey! What gives? You said I could have it!”

“I said I didn’t see why you couldn’t. That’s not the same thing as ‘you can eat this ice cream.’” Discord chuckled as Mrs. Kittensworth tried unsuccessfully to eat the ice cream. “You almost had it that time!”

“Come on, Discord. I’m starving and this ice cream looks good!”

You’ve wasted enough time, just give him the ice cream.

“Fine!” With another snap of his fingers, the spoon returned to its normal state, non-bendy. “Now eat it, I sense something’s about to happen.”

Hehehehehehehe.

“Now he’s laughing. My Plot senses are tingling, watch out Mr.Kittensworth.” Discord looked around cautiously.

You made a mistake, Discord.

“What are you talking about? All I’ve done is give this man ice cream!”

Remember a few chapters ago, you talked about a ‘certain pink mare’?

“Yeah, so- oh no. You wouldn’t dare!” Discord searched for a place to hide. “She’s in Ponyville, this is a vacation for me!”

Your own actions caused this.

In the horizon, a pink blur appeared, rocketing towards the draconequus and human.

“TAKE COVER!” Discord jumped up, trying to hide behind a telephone pole.

“Diiiiiiiiisssssssyyyyy!!!”

“What’s that?” Mrs. Kittensworth asked.

“Diiiiisssssyyy!”

“She’s getting closer!” Discord braced for impact

“DIIIIIIISSSSYYYY!” An explosion of pink, and suddenly Discord was caught in the grip of a small pony. “Dissy! I missed you so much! I couldn’t believe you went to Earth without me, but then I got your summons!”

“Hello, Pinkie Pie.” Discord patted her on the head, her poofy mane bouncing back every time he pushed it down.

That one where Pinkie Pie leaves. Or doesn't, read on to discover more.

Alright, time to get this fic back on track. I’ve been to amicable with you Discord, and the only one’s who have suffered are the fans. Time to kick it into overdrive!

“Alright, alright. Just give me back my powers and this story will be over with a snap of my fingers.” Discord smiled, looking up into the sky.

No, that’s not how it works. The Plot says no, and I cannot just change it. Except last chapter when I threw Pinkie Pie at you because you weren’t advancing The Plot fast enough. So there.

“Come on, Dissy. We’ve got a cult to find!” Pinkie Pie moved behind Discord, pushing him down the street, “Is it just me or are you really really heavy?”

Mrs. Kittensworth just stared, mouth hanging open. Discord sighed and grabbed the front of his shirt and walking forward.

“A cult, you say? That sounds fun.” Discord put his paw under Mrs. Kittensworth’s chin, closing his mouth, “Who do they worship? Cthulhu? He’s always a cult favorite. Or has he been forgotten. Have humans discovered Ysgarroth yet?”

Mrs. Kittensworth grabbed the claw that was holding him, looking into Discord’s eyes, “DUDE! There’s a talking pink pony,” He dropped his voice to a whisper and pointed at Pinkie Pie, “Right over there!”

Discord stopped and looked at Mrs. Kittensworth, eyes wide, “Who’s the crazy one now, Mrs. Kittensworth?” He laughed, “There’s no such thing as talking pink ponies!” He looked over to where Mrs. Kittensworth was pointing, “GADZOOKS! There really is a pony right there!”

Pinkie Pie was bouncing along behind them, “Well duh, what else would I be, a fluffy orange elephant?” She looked down at herself, “I’m not a fluffy orange elephant, am I?!” She ran her hooves over her fur, “Nope, one hundred percent pink pony!”

Discord rolled his eyes, “Of course you’re a talking pink pony.” He turned to Mrs. Kittensworth, “She’s Pinkie Pie, Ponyville’s party pony. Which reminds me, oh Pinkie Pie?”

Pinkie Pie turned, “Hmm?”

Discord grinned, “Look, a new friend! His name is Mrs. Kittensworth. Full name Mr. Mrs. Kittensworth.”

Pinkie Pie gasped, “A new friend?!” She hopped over to Mrs. Kittensworth, who attempted to back away, “Hi there, my name’s Pinkie Pie. I’m your new bestest friend, and do you know the best way to celebrate our newfound friendship?”

Mrs. Kittensworth turned to Discord for help, but found him mysteriously gone, “Uh, hugs maybe?”

“No, silly. A PARTY!” She grabbed his hand, pulling him down the street. “I’m gonna throw you the biggest party this city has ever seen! And you’re gonna make so many friends and it’ll be so much fun!”

While Pinkie Pie is busy trying to pull Mrs. Kittensworth’s arm off while simultaneously talk his ear off his head (A skill only to be used by trained professionals. Seriously, don’t try this at home!) we move on to the main character of this story, Discord. So what are you doing?

“I’m walking as fast as I can this way. I’ve dropped two side characters, and it’s Discord time.” They’ve been walking for like 3 chapters, so I’m gonna say that Discord is surrounded by police officers.

“Freeze!” A man says into a megaphone, “Put your... hands? Over your head!”

“You caught me!” Raising his claw and paw, Discord looked around. There were people all around him, holding strange bits of metal. “Am I supposed to be afraid of those?”

Yes. They shoot you, you die.

“I don’t know what die is, but it sounds pretty bad.”

It’s not pleasant, I can tell you that. Being an immortal omnipotent Narrator, I couldn’t tell you personally. But I have killed many characters, and they never seem to like it.

“Oh good.” Discord rolled his eyes, “Thanks for the help.”

“Quiet!” The voice booms out again, “Slowly, lower yourself to the ground.”

“Do I really have to?”

“Yes!” Yes.

“Okay, okay. Just know, if I was at full power you’d all be holding candy cane snakes right now!” He lowered himself to the ground.

An officer came over and put handcuffs on him, pinning his arms behind his back. “You have the right to remain silent.” The officer shook his head, “Wait, you’re not a citizen of the United States. We’re still arresting you though.”

Well, that wraps up this chapter. Now that the plot is back on track, we can get down to the silly. Next chapter will be all Pinkie Pie with no mention of Discord.

Just kidding.