Pinkie Pie Bought a Unicorn
“Ahhh, this sure is relaxing.” Twilight Sparkle, having finished her studies early, decided to join Fluttershy and Rarity on their weekly spa date. The three ponies laid back in their separate bubble baths, occasionally breathing out a sigh of content.
“Of course it is, darling. After all, Aloe and Lotus run the best spa in all of Ponyville, neigh, in all of Equestria!” exclaimed Rarity.
“Oh stop, you’re making us blush,” replied Aloe. The spa pony began spreading Rarity’s avocado mask and placed two cucumber slices over her eyes while her sister ran the counter.
The trio stayed silent as the soothing waters rejuvenated their skin. The silence lasted until Rarity asked an unexpected question. “Do you girls think I’m funny?”
“Huh?” replied the ponies in question.
“It’s just that I don’t have a lot to talk about with other ponies. Not a lot of ponies are talkative like Pinkie Pie, so the atmosphere while dress-fitting in the boutique tends to be quite stale. Whenever it becomes too quiet, I try to make a small joke, but that just makes things worse.”
“Oh Rarity, you’re funny,” comforted Twilight.
“No dear, funny things happen to me.”
“That’s true, but don’t worry. How about you tell a joke to us?” proposed the magically-gifted unicorn.
Rarity sighed. “Very well then, the ponies in Canterlot loved this joke. One day, my father, Magnum, bought a new straw hat at the bazaar. He asked, ‘How do you like my new hat, dear?’ and then I said, ‘Puh-leez! That isn’t a hat, darling, that’s a natural disaster that somehow landed atop your head!’”
Nopony laughed, giggled, chuckled, or even made a sound.
Surprisingly, Fluttershy was the first to speak up. “That was… nice.”
“Wow, uh, where’s a cricket when you need one?” uttered Twilight.
Rarity’s ears drooped down. “I guess the joke wasn’t as funny as I thought. The ponies from last time must have laughed merely because I was famous at the time.”
“Just keep on trying, Rarity,” proclaimed Twilight, hoping to relieve her friend from her sadness.
“I suppose so. Well enough about my problems, have you ponies heard about Pinkie Pie?” asked the fruit-covered mare.
“No, did something bad happen?” questioned the pink-maned pony.
“Fluttershy, don’t you remember?! It’s that time of the year again! You know what that means!” Rarity smiled impishly.
“Oh… my.” Fluttershy blushed brightly. She slowly sank into her tub, for she had forgotten about what usually happened during this time of year.
Twilight felt like she was out of the loop. “What’s wrong, Fluttershy? What could Pinkie possibly do that would make you feel so uncomfortable? What, does she act normally for a change?”
“Well, um…”
“Quite the contrary, dear,” interrupted Rarity, “Pinkie Pie simply bought a unicorn today.”
“WHAT?!” screamed Twilight. Did she hear that correctly?
“I said that Pinkie Pie bought a unicorn,” repeated the fashionista. “You should really pay more attention sometimes, Twilight.”
She did. Princess Celestia’s most faithful student began flailing her forelegs, splashing some water to her friends in the process. “Are you joking?! That’s awful! What reason does Pinkie have to buy a unicorn?! And even if she did have a reason, doesn’t she know that it’s just wrong!”
“Settle down, Twilight. It’s not a joke. Though I must admit that buying a unicorn is slightly uncouth, there is absolutely nothing wrong about it,” said the white mare.
“How can I settle down?! How can you, especially you, Rarity, be so calm about Pinkie Pie buying a unicorn?!” Twilight started breathing heavily.
“Um… Twilight,” mumbled the yellow pegasus, “Sorry, but I have to agree with Rarity.”
“What do you mean you have to agree with Rarity?!”
Fluttershy stammered and twiddled her hooves. Her eyes focused on the wall behind Twilight instead of the mare herself. “Well, even though I would never buy a unicorn, Pinkie would. What she does with her time and bits is her business, not ours.” Clearly, Iron Will’s assertiveness training left a mark on the shy pony.
Twilight calmed down and tried her best to analyze the news given her. Okay, so Rarity and Fluttershy just informed me that Pinkie Pie bought a unicorn today. Judging from their reactions, this isn’t a bad thing. In fact, they said that this is a yearly occurrence. Now, why would Pinkie buy a unicorn? Perhaps she needs a temporary maid or butler for a while, not a slave. That would make sense. I mean, Pinkie is always making a mess, whether it’s after a party or because of a baking accident at Sugar Cube Corner. If it’s not that, then what else could it be?
The purple-coated mare ceased her internal bickering and asked her two friends a question. “Girls, exactly what happens during this time of year with Pinkie and the unicorn?”
Rarity’s impish smile reappeared. She saw this as an opportunity to get a laugh out of her friends. “Well, it wouldn’t be very lady-like of me if I told you; after all, it’s Pinkie Pie’s private life we’re talking about. Let’s just say that there’s definitely going to be a lot of screaming later tonight.”
“EEP!” Fluttershy dove down and hid herself under the bubbles of her bath.
Without a moment’s rest, Twilight immediately jumped out of her bath and stormed out of the spa, still soaking wet. She began to assess the situation in her mind once again. A lot of screaming?! What could that mean?! Is Pinkie secretly a deranged maniac who has to kill once a year to satisfy her lust for blood?! Or is she some kind of sexual deviant that purchases innocent unicorns in order to… to… No! I cannot let that happen! If nopony cares about what happens to that unicorn, then I will! I’ll stop Pinkie! The mare galloped towards Sugar Cube Corner, intent on preventing whatever the hoof will happen next.
Back at the spa, Rarity simply sat there stunned at what just happened. “Well, Twilight certainly overreacted at that miniscule tidbit of information. I suppose it was a little extreme just for a laugh.” The mare began tapping her chin. “Maybe I should have been clearer and actually explained what happens during this time of year instead of giving her that piece of misleading but true information.” Rarity dramatically placed her leg over her forehead. “Oh, this is just THE! WORST! POSSIBLE! THING! I’ll never try to be funny ever again!”
Fluttershy rose from the bubbles and took a deep breath before facing Rarity. “You should probably do the right thing and follow Twilight. After all, you were kind of vague about the whole thing.”
“I suppose you’re right, Fluttershy.” Rarity wiped off her avocado mask and emerged from her bath. “Let’s go, darling. We don’t want Twilight to act all crazy again thanks to my previous statement.”
“Right.” Fluttershy slowly flew to the spa’s exit.
“Oh! Before we leave…” Rarity reached into her purse and dropped a random amount of bits onto Aloe’s hoof. “A generous tip from the Element of Generosity. As usual, the spa was lovely. I especially loved what the avocado mask did to my pores.” The fashionista turned to Fluttershy. “Now we can leave.”
Twilight rushed to Sugar Cube Corner, still intent on stopping Pinkie. Her constant running dried her previously soaked body. On the way, she spotted Carrot and Cup Cake, along with Pound and Pumpkin Cake in strollers, walking in the opposite direction of the bakery. The unicorn immediately halted and trotted to the Cakes, curious on why they weren’t at home. “Mr. and Mrs. Cake, why aren’t you and the twins at Sugar Cube Corner?”
“Don’t you know? This is the time of year when Pinkie Pie buys a unicorn. Cup and I don’t want the foals to be around her when it happens, so we’re going to stay at Sweet Apple Acres for the night. Since Big Macintosh is a good friend of mine, we’re always welcome there,” responded Carrot Cake.
“Hmmm, you said the same thing as Rarity, so at least I know that this isn’t an awful joke, but shouldn’t you two stay at home in order to make sure Pinkie doesn’t do anything awful with that unicorn?!” asked Twilight.
Cup Cake had a confused expression on her face. “What do you mean by ‘awful’? Sure, we don’t want to be around Pinkie Pie when she does you-know-what, but that doesn’t mean we disapprove of it.”
“WHAT?!”
The plump baker continued. “Actually, what Pinkie is going to do later tonight is healthy for her. She should use that unicorn in any way she wants,” Cup wrapped a foreleg around her husband, “We fully support Pinkie, she’s like another daughter to us.”
Twilight’s frustration kept on growing. “UGH! Can you at least tell me what she’s going to do with the unicorn?! I’m still not completely sure!”
“She told me that she was going to bake the unicorn into a cake,” answered the lanky stallion.
The purple mare’s eyes went wide open. “I can’t believe it! That’s even worse than the previous possibilities! I have to stop Pinkie’s cannibalistic behavior!” Once again, Twilight stormed off to Sugar Cube Corner.
Carrot and Cup looked at each other in confusion. “Cannibalistic?”
Finally, Twilight arrived at her destination. She knocked on the door three times, hoping that somepony would answer. Secretly, she wished that she was wrong about this entire situation. The door slowly creaked open, revealing a blue unicorn with a wavy, white mane.
“May I help you?” asked the unexpected stallion.
“Pokey Pierce?!” Twilight was shocked, but immediately shook it off. “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you!”
“Protect me from what? I’m just waiting for Pinkie to be finished,” said Pokey.
“Pokey, I’m finished!” Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared wielding a large knife in her mouth. “Oh hi, Twilight!”
“AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!” Twilight shrieked at the sight of the supposedly psychotic mare. She instinctively formed a sphere-shaped magical barrier around Pokey Pierce. “Don’t lay a hoof on him, Pinkie! I know of your deranged ways, and I came here to stop them!” Twilight thought she had no choice. She hesitantly pointed her horn at the party pony, ready for offense.
Pokey began banging the force field. “Let me out!”
“What are you talking about, Twilight?!” screamed Pinkie, unaware of her friend’s motives. “Don’t be so kooky! Pokey and I were just going to have a fun dinner date together!”
“Quit playing around! Rarity and Mr. Cake told me that you bought a unicorn today! I know that ‘fun dinner date’ is actually you devouring Pokey in your disgusting cake! How could you do this?! And with Pokey of all ponies?! I thought he was your coltfriend?!”
Twilight’s rant was answered with a short moment of silence, but it quickly faded away thanks to Pinkie and Pokey’s sudden laughter.
Twilight, caught off guard by their happiness, released the barrier surrounding the blue unicorn. “What’s so funny?!”
The party pony wiped a tear from her eye. “Hold on, Twilight. I’ll be right back.” Pinkie Pie hopped towards the kitchen and brought out a yellow cake and… an ear of corn? “You must have misunderstood them, silly! I didn’t buy a unicorn, I bought a unicorn!” announced Pinkie, holding up the ear of corn.
“A unicorn, what’s that?” questioned Twilight, now starting to settle down from her former panic.
Pokey Pierce joined the conversation. “Let me explain the rest. A unicorn is a rare delicacy that only grows once a year, hence the ‘uni’ in the name. Pinkie buys one from the Corn Family every year for our annual special dinner date. The knife you saw earlier was just going to be used to slice the unicorn cake.” Pokey licked his lips. “The taste is unbelievable, and it’s healthy for you too!”
It took a while for Twilight to fully process the sudden news, but she now realized how crazy she’s been acting so far. She followed her realization with a sheepish grin. “Sorry, guess I went a little off the edge there for a while. I’m so sorry for interrupting your date.”
“A little?! You were totally loco in the coco, but you don’t have to apologize, Twilight. I know you didn’t mean to act like such a nutty nutcase,” comforted Pinkie Pie.
“Thanks, Pinkie.”
“TWILIGHT!” Rarity barged into Sugar Cube Corner with Fluttershy trailing behind her. “Am I too late? I need to tell you more about the unicorn!”
Princess Celestia’s most faithful student giggled. “Don’t worry, Rarity. Pokey Pierce already told me everything.”
The fashionista flinched. “He did? Well, I’ll apologize anyway. Twilight, I’m so sorry for causing your outbreak to occur. If I had told you more about the unicorn instead of trying to get a laugh, a rather cheap laugh I might add, then none of this would have ever happened.”
“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have overreacted earlier,” said Twilight, accepting her apology.
Fluttershy walked up to her two friends. “I hope you two learned some valuable lessons.”
“Of course we did, darling!” exclaimed Rarity. “I learned that I should always watch what I say, for one never knows how somepony could react to them.”
Twilight raised a hoof over her chest. “And I learned that I need to always listen and stay calm. If I hadn’t been abruptly ending my past conversations, I might have learned about the unicorn beforehoof, thus preventing this whole ordeal.”
“Great lessons, everypony!” shouted Pokey Pierce.
“Yeah! I especially know of some ponies, or other life forms, that need to chill out about something they don’t know much about.” Pinkie turned away from her friends and stared at a wall.
Twilight let out a nervous chuckle. “Well, we better leave now; don’t want to ruin your special date.”
“Oh yes, we won’t bother you two any longer,” mentioned Rarity.
“Bye Pinkie, bye Pokey,” uttered Fluttershy.
“Okay then, bye! See ya next time!” chorused the couple.
The three mares waved farewell and exited Sugar Cube Corner to finally give the lovebirds some alone time.
Twilight Sparkle, relieved that Pinkie Pie wasn’t a cannibalistic madmare, held her chin up high in delight. Yay! Pinkie Pie is normal! I mean, she’s not normal, she’s crazy, but crazy in her own way, at least she’s not a psychopath. I, on the other hoof, sure made this a wild day. Silly me, I actually thought that Pinkie bought a unicorn pony. In actuality, she bought a type of corn! That explains why the Cakes left Sugar Cube Corner, to give Pinkie privacy for her date! I really should stop overanalyzing things. And to think, this all started because of Rarity’s failed attempts to show her humorous side. Wait a minute...Twilight ceased her hooves, halting any further traveling. What about the screaming?
“Is something wrong, darling?” questioned a curious Rarity.
“Girls, you knew that I freaked out because I thought Pinkie Pie bought a unicorn pony, not a unicorn, right?”
“No, we honestly thought that you already knew what a unicorn was. We assumed that your outrageousness was caused by your drive to stop Pinkie from using it,” answered the fashionista.
“Why would you think that I want to stop Pinkie from using a grain? How can a unicorn cause the screaming that you previously mentioned back at the spa?” Twilight still didn’t have a firm grasp of the situation.
A slow blush started to emerge on Fluttershy’s face. “Oh… my, I guess Pokey didn’t tell you everything about the unicorn.”
“What do you mean? Is buying a unicorn a bad thing like I thought before?” pried Twilight.
Once again, Rarity’s impish smile appeared. “Twilight, even though I mentioned the screaming as an opportunity to make you laugh, it was still a true event that was going to later occur. And no, buying a unicorn is not a terrible deed, it’s just considered to be slightly odd. In fact, it is a fairly popular product concerning Ponyville couples.”
“I don’t get what you’re trying to say.”
Rarity chuckled. “Well, it appears I’ll have to be the pony to tell you the most important attribute of the unicorn.”
Fluttershy’s wings became taut, for she knew the next sentence her friend was about to utter.
“The unicorn is a very potent aphrodisiac.”
