The Psychological Journal of Inkblotby HjspalenkaChaptersEntry One: Self-AssessmentEntry Two: Grey MatterEntry Three: Pinkameena Diane Pie (Part 1 of 2)Entry Four: Pinkie Pie (Part 2 of 2)Intermediary Entry: The Effects of Clover on the Pony MindEntry One: Self-AssessmentBefore beginning my endeavor to analyze all the ponies I see in my everyday life, I find it only fair that I subject myself to the same harsh judgement I shall impose upon the others. As I have come to learn in my profession, nopony truly knows themselves until they begin to try to understand why they are. Not who, but why. Having not yet taken any steps to learn as to why I am, I expect there will be more entries revolving around myself as I uncover more about myself, including some parts I fear I cannot admit to myself are problems. As the mere existence of this journal can attest to, I have an obsessive personality, which I believe began when I was but a colt. After the accident from which I got my cutie mark, my father never truly felt I had gotten it, but that the mark was simply paint that refused to come off of it. He tried to get me to do new things, and do them well, to discover my talent, but my talent truly is with Psychology. He still thinks I am a blank flank, but that is for another entry. I did take something away from his pushing, if something is worth doing, it is worth doing right, and indeed I intend to do this journal right, and have no intentions of ending it before I feel I understand everypony I see more than they understand themselves, or more than they want to. Of course, my obsessions have sprouted yet another problem for me. I have a sort of anti-social problem, I don't avoid meeting other ponies, but find that I judge them too harshly, a sort of pessimism that comes with the job. I do have a few friends, but far fewer than many of my fellow citizens in Ponyville. Unfortunately, even with friends I am never off the job. as I often find myself analyzing my friend Grey Matter, and finding the flaws in his own mind. A peculiar case that one, but again, a story for another entry. Perhaps most disturbing about my psychology is the thought that I was not always like this. There was once a time when I was a carefree foal, like everypony else, but my chosen profession, and my father's reaction, changed me, and dulled my emotions in some capacity. I still feel things, and I await the day that I shall meet somepony who can warm my heart (One thing Grey and I share is our desire for an emotion neither of us have ever felt before). I suppose there is no point in teasing whoever may read this journal, so to give you more understanding into who, and why, I am, I shall explain how I got my cutie mark. I was aiding my father in repainting the kitchen, and my mother was quite an inspired woman, so amidst all the new colors, she wanted to add some black accents to the walls. It was quite an aesthetically pleasing design, so much so that I payed more attention to the art on the walls than my father on his stepladder. Sure as I am here today, he fell off of it and spilled the small bucket of paint, which splashed on me. My white coat was splattered with black paint, and upon figuring out what had happened, my eyes were drawn to my flank. There I saw a splotch of paint, and immediately a Rorschach test came to mind. I realized then that my interest in the topic was actually something more, and as luck would have it, my Cutie mark took the form of that same exact patch of paint. My father, fearing that the paint would stain my coat, rushed my to the bathroom to wash it off. Upon my return, still having that spot, he sent me back to wash again. No matter how often I told him it was my Cutie Mark, he felt he had robbed me of my talent. The remainder of my foalhood was filled with him rushing me from one activity to another, trying to find my true talent. I faced activities with a cold, calculating mind by some point, and have remained that way ever since. I would not go so far as to say I was raised in a broken home, but it did seem to be near crumbling. My father and I still rarely speak, not that we hold anything against each other, my father just feels nervous speaking to me, because to him, I am a full grown stallion who was robbed (by him) of a cutie mark, and in turn, his obsession, which sparked mine, has caused him to neglect my mother. Their relationship remains strained to this very day, which I am left to fear I caused, in some indirect way. It makes me wonder, what would my life be if not for that day? Would I have found another talent? Would I still be here today? Would I be on the receiving end of a phychological visit? I think, above all, I suffer from anxiety, but not for what may happen, but what may have not happened. I fear what things would be like is a certain event went differently. I firmly believe that years from now, I will be left to wonder what would be different in my life had I not started this journal, just the same as I wonder what if the paint had not spilled, or had been a different color. At the end of the day, however, things happen a certain way, and we have no way of knowing what life would be like had they not happened, so my brain is at a disconnect. The left side is trying to decide what life could be, while my right tells my left it is meaningless to obsess over. Alas, that is simply who I am. For now at least; we shall see how that changes. ~From the desk of Inkblot. Author's Note In writing this chapter, I found it interesting to think about how this reflects upon me as a person. Inkblot was my fourth OC, and the first one to not be drawn from my own life, but rather to spring into my head as a fully formed idea. In as such, he does not relate to me as much as others do, most notably Grey Matter, yet I find my writing style does nevertheless reflect upon me in some light. Up next: Either Grey Matter (My other OC) or Pinkie Pie. Leave a comment to help decide which way it goes! Entry Two: Grey Matter Following my previous entry, I realized that judging myself was not enough proof of my intentions, considering that many ponies judge themselves, perhaps more harshly than they do anypony else. Facing that, my decision on who I would next catalog was made easy, although carrying it out was made more difficult. As much as I feel bad having to do this, I find it the only way to prove that I am not holding back. So, eventually, I made the choice to analyze my best friend: Grey Matter. It is at this point my intentions must be made clearer, that I am not here to judge ponies and point out their faults, but more to highlight their quirks. Let's face it, nopony is perfect, but even I am not one to criticize everypony I see. I seek not to tell them that they have problems, but to seek insight into why they are, as I indicated previously. Knowing Grey as much as I do, there is quite a bit more to draw from, and I actually do know of his history, so there will be less speculation on his foalhood, and more on what connects to what. To that end, I must commend him, for though he is like the rest of us, and not without flaw, he has managed to make the most out of the cards he was dealt. What would cause some ponies to become shut-ins only gets him out the door to meet that special somepony. A prime example would be his determination to start a family, due to the little time his parents spent with him. His parents did love him, and he is well aware of this, but they both had jobs that required them to work long hours, and under heavy stress. The most time he spent with his parents was on a vacation to Fillydelphia, which was almost cancelled due to work. Grey, driven to prevent this catastrophe, managed to figure out the problem his father was working on, so it could be sent in and the family would be able to leave. During this vacation he realized the sort of family he wants to have as a stallion. Later in life, however, this became an obstacle, as his desire for that special somepony got in the way of his other relationships. Worse, he feared with each and every rejection that he had no hope left, that he would never find that special somepony. By now, however, he has calmed down, though not yet found that mare with whom to spend the rest of his life. This...obsession, has controlled every aspect of his life, where he has even based his career path on his fixation. He has trained in business, having the paradoxical, though somehow seemingly sound thought to start his own business so he can control his own hours. He is focused on that job now, while looking still for the mare of his dreams, yet taking now to start it up. Indeed, he has his faults, including his ego problems. Generally he comes off to ponies as being too self concerned, though not of high self esteem. He loves to talk about himself, and his past, even if he is not too proud of himself. He does tend to get on the nerves of other ponies by acting this way, but is at the same time too unsure of himself to land a beautiful mare. He still hops back on the horse, after a period of mourning, of course. It is that very attitude that makes him such a fine source of information, he enjoys talking about himself, and bragging even, so that it won't take much for me to get something out of him to put here. Of course, this all brings me to the solution to his problem: Finding his special somepony. My friend is stuck in a vicious cycle, where he has a large ego and low self esteem, so when he tries to date somepony, it does not end well, so he feels bad, and has lower self esteem, only to then brag more when something goes right and thereby ruining another date. It seems that he has found plenty of mares able to look over one aspect of his personality, but given the fact that they reside on opposing ends of the spectrum, he has a much harder time finding one who can overlook both. But at the end of the day, this stops him from having his heart broken when it really matters. He does not waste much time with somepony who is not able to love him regardless, and the relationship reaches an end before he becomes too attached. Eventually, I feel he will meet his perfect mare and she will not only overlook these extremes of his personality, but correct them. He so values having somepony to love that it seems to be slowly killing him not too, that I fear this lack, so integral to him, could lead to depression. As emotionless as I often seem, I feel for my friend, and I am glad to be his friend, for without a friend he can trust, he could already be there, hopeless. I don't know which I fear more, that his depression could be a reflection of me in the future, or that my emotionlessness could be a reflection of him in the future. Honestly, though, I find it inconsequential to ponder such things at this time, for they may even facilitate the process speeding up. Now that I have taken time to judge my best friend, and even voice my true concerns for his well being, I hope to maintain my integrity, although I may need to return to him later, depending on what may change in his life, or things I may notice that I never did before. As for this particular moment, I cannot carry on this entry much longer, for the realizations I have made, even to myself, are simply too much. I have judged my friend as harshly as I could, and I feel for him. I feel what he feels. Writing what I have about him...I too feel the sting these words carry. ~From the desk of Inkblot Author's Note I believe the most disturbing part of writing this entry is that...Grey Matter is me. I poured myself into that character, making perhaps a better me, even. Well, he is me in the result, not in the logic behind it. My parents are here for me...home a bit too often even, but I am still very romantic, and determined to find the one. In a sense, the self analysis was more an analysis of a character I have fabricated, and I felt the pain for him. The pain Inkblot feels now is real. Even a disgust with his actions, but at the same time, a sort of pride in doing his job, regardless of the cost. Hopefully, my next chapter(s) will involve a cast character... Entry Three: Pinkameena Diane Pie (Part 1 of 2) I am quite pleased to finally be able to approach some of the more outgoing ponies in Ponyville, and after toying around in my thoughts, the answer showed itself as an all too familiar face. This pony shows up all over the place, running around to spend time with everypony she can. This peculiar pony, a Miss Pinkameena Diane Pie, though known by almost everypony as Pinkie Pie, has gone as far as to make herself Ponyville's One-Pony Welcome Wagon. Pinkameena, from what I have heard, was raised on a rock farm, having very little contact with ponies off of the farm, though this is all from what I have heard from others. She certainly seems like the sort of pony I need to speak with at some point in the future to learn more. Pinkameena seems to rely too heavily on her friends, to the point of being totally broken up whenever they cannot make time for her. She made this shortcoming all too clear when one day her friends simply had no time to spend with her. Unbeknownst to her, they were planning a surprise party, but she had gotten so wrapped up in worrying that she forgot she even had a birthday that day. Furthermore, she has shown attachment issues, worried about being forgotten after even the slightest passage of time. Lastly, she happens to often spread herself thin, leading to stories of her somehow cloning herself (May be crazy. If not Pinkameena, then those who allege she cloned herself.) It would not take such a professional as myself to predict that such a dependency is a weakness to her, or that it could be harmful to her in the future, due in part to the fact that it has already been proven true. Nevertheless, she seems not to have learned from her past, and continues on that path to this very day. I can only be left to wonder what sort of inter-familial relationships she had that would end in this sort over-reliance on friends, having no true experience with her that can back these substantiations up much, or at all. Still, aside from judging her based almost only on her friends, she seems not to be the most stable of ponies. Though not by any stretch an objectively insane pony, she does have odd tendencies, such as stashing balls all over Ponyville, "in case of ball emergency." Though there are many more examples, I would rather not waste time on analyzing each one specifically, but let the whole of experience with Pinkameena be enough to describe it. Although, I find myself wondering about her something I do not wonder with any other subject, at least not so much... Am I wrong about her? She is most certainly "out there," but she also seems to have some things going for her no other ponies do. While she is also placing far too much value on her friendships, and not quite enough on relationships with her family, and often proves to be an annoyance to her friends, her other...eccentricities can be proven accurate. For example, Pinkameena's ball she had stashed away for emergencies turned out to be useful and needed in this very emergency, so is it really crazy? Even curiouser, Pinkameena seems to have innate control over things even Unicorns and Pegasi cannot control, or that she is able to predict things ponies should not be able to predict. Again, it all comes down to the same question: Is anything truly crazy if it proves to be correct? Is she crazy for doing something, even if that something did just what it needed to? To bring this all back to the point, Pinkameena Diane Pie is odd, but is she crazy, or a genius? Is she possessive of the greatest mind of our generation, an extreme bit of luck, or a total anomaly that must be studied? I feel ashamed that I cannot do her justice in analysis, but it seems impossible to do at this time. I feel that, given her many oddities, and the further oddities presented within these of the first tier, I cannot fairly judge her, but will need to save something like that for a future entry. I must commend Pinkameena for Author's Note This chapter was an odd one, because going in to writing it I knew of two things, 1) That it would be a two parter, and 2) That it would end abruptly. I eventually settled on a few more factors, including the name (I find that regarding her as Pinkameena was more professional, especially since he hardly knows her), the final length (between the style of this chapter and the abrupt ending, I knew it would be a short one), and the style itself. I am quite pleased with how it has turned out, especially considering the next part, which I hope to have up this same weekend. I still have some rereading and editing to do later, but for now, it is 3:30 am, and I am just glad I stayed up to have the chapter ready before the season finale. On another note, one thing you may have noticed is how he deviates from the trail a bit, which I find a highly nice way of showing how confusing she is to him, enough so that he forgets what he was supposed to be doing. Otherwise, any unanswered questions from this chapter will be handled in the future/ I can only say this: that ending? So long as the last word is "for," then that is the proper ending. I did not accidentally delete some of the chapter. As always, feedback is highly appreciated! Entry Four: Pinkie Pie (Part 2 of 2) I apologize for my abrupt departure from the previous entry, but I had a visitor, and following her visit I was not quite feeling the same as I was previously, and left my previous entry unfinished as a result. Pinkie, as she has requested I call her, came over to pay me a visit. After spending some time with her, and allowing her to relate to me a more detailed, and probably more accurate (though with her I am still unsure) version of her history, I am now able to make what I hope is a more accurate and complete entry about her. Whatever the case, I did not find that my former entry still holds true, nor did I find myself able to even finish my train of thought. As it now stands, I am able to review her tale of her Cutie Mark, and it seems she does indeed fear a return to her roots, not too uncommon for somepony who has come so far. Most of them either develop some yearning or a disdain for their roots. This, however, raises a question of cause versus effect, is she afraid of visiting the farm because of her family, or afraid of her family because of the farm? Given recent dealing with a Great and Powerful unicorn, and her reaction to the rock farm, my lean is that she hates the farm, because as the unicorn conjured the image, Pinkie was not of any particular aversion to the ponies seen, but more to the locale. Whatever the case, her reliance on friends seems to be more based on being unable, or unwilling, to visit her family than seeded in some hatred of her family. Of course, this makes her reliance no less concerning, and I worry still for her. This also raises the question of how she regards her friends, given she considers everypony her friend, yet puts so much importance on so few. (Although, she has put more into her other friendships of late, possibly because of her run-ins in the past, and a fear of the same occurring again.) As for any precognition, I still do not understand this so called "Pinkie Sense," and doubt I ever will. Rather than delving into why she has this sense, which is not seemingly rooted in psychology, but something beyond anypony to understand, including herself, I will try to find the implications of this sense. For starters, I would think that the interim, however short, between getting a signal and the event occurring, seems as though it would eventually take a toll on anypony's psyche; knowing something, but not quite KNOWING. It seems like it would gnaw at her, though I would not say that it alone is the cause of her eccentricities. She is indeed a tough nut to crack on that one, so it does not seem worth the time and energy to try quite yet, for all I know she could just be genetically crazy, and not a bit related to her past. That seems the most logical conclusion, given how little seems objectively wrong with her past, having a loving family and all. The only possible thing to cause this is the stress caused by wanting to see her family and not wanting to go back to the rock farm, but even that seems loose. Moving forward, her talent of keeping others happy raises its own questions, among them whether she is easily pleased herself? Is the only thing that can make her happy making others happy? Is she selfless in that respect, or is it a selfish act? I suppose that there are a few ways to determine that, but it is something to be done at a future date. More pertinent questions for other professionals would be if she adapts to what makes others happy, considering it is different for everypony, although she has had to change for some donkeys. In reference to my question posed in her former entry, however, I find it is still true that these oddities in her personality, these quirks, exist regardless of the conditions. It is still odd that she stashes balls all over Ponyville in case of emergency, but they are indeed useful. It really comes down to the pony, and to dispel any connections, her Pinkie Sense is not quite specific or advanced enough to warn her about such things. Nevertheless, I cannot rule out any other form of premonition that could have told her she needs to stash certain balls in certain places. At the end of the day, she seems to not truly know what is going on even when she uses the balls, so it would mean that if anything she is driven to do something, without knowing why herself. Finally I feel I have been able to approach her with more accuracy. I only see now how difficult my job will be, judging ponies without having interacted with them much. I can expect a large amount of my future writing to be based off of things that I hear, but will attempt to gather as much fact as possible from a given situation. in wrapping up for her, though, I find that while there is much that is off about her, she is not in any way "wrong" in her inner machinations, just different. While this has given me a chance to explain in what ways she is different, I wish yet to learn why she is so far different, but I believe that will be beyond even my comprehension. In order to have any hope in learning these reasons for her being her it would mean revealing my true talent, which as yet nopony but Grey Matter and few others know, a few that I can trust not to tell anypony else, for fear they will ruin my experiment. It would mean that, at this time, I am unable to fully comprehend her, though I doubt I ever will, whether I reveal my talent to her or not. Instead, all I can do now is move on and see what I can do for other ponies. Now that I have finished somepony beyond my own close friends, I feel proud to have begun my journal in earnest, and to now be able to move on and analyze whomever I may find. ~From the desk of Inkblot Author's Note Well, as of this chapter, I am removing the training wheels. As the story develops its own plot, I find it less necessary for me to explain every thing that happens. The Author's Notes will still contain bits on the writing, but less explanation. This is the last time I plan to openly explain the occurrences of the chapter, and will from now on simply delve into my own experience in writing. I hope that you have all been conditioned to the writing style enough to understand what happens in the story as it develops, though I also hope that some bits will be the topic of no small debate. That out of the way, in this chapter, I wanted him to judge Pinkie less than he did in the previous, because he felt sort of reserved last time, but now is able to commit better (knowing her more) and yet feels more need to be nice (as she is friends with everypony). At the same time, I feel he is also trying to be nice because of her past (Though I believe you all can easily recall Party of One...). I can't wait to begin expanding out some more. It is at this point I open up to begin doing OC's, as well as doing more cast characters. I have my facebook page linked in my Bio, and will occasionally post polls on who I should do next. (Polls that feature OCs will have no cast characters, for obvious reasons). Even at that, I still hold the right to make the final decision. Now, to the last part of my notes, the writing. This was a hard chapter to write, because I had trouble trying to get it to make up for the abrupt ending of the previous chapter, despite knowing that, at the end of the day, I must be writing for me. This was also hard to write because I was watching the season finale over and over and over. I have not yet finished the chapter at the time of this writing, but am on my total of 6-7th time watching since yesterday, and about to restart it again. I am losing an awful lot of time to the songs...I just love the episode, and cannot wait until Equestria Girls to hold me over until Season four. I know I just opened a can of worms, but please hold your debates. The episode has closed a door for me and opened a new one. I need to start deciding how I am going to handle (Princess) Twilight. If you must argue, do it then. So I lied about that being the last part. I don't really have any absolute plans beyond this chapter, though I am pretty sure I am going to to Toxic next, in exchange for another version of my cover art. Any other thoughts? (Addition: Oh sweet Luna, dat Celestia song!) And now for the part after I finished writing: I feared for a while that this entry would not pass 1,000 words, a goal I set for myself, excepting my previous chapter due to the abrupt ending I have now mentioned far too much. Finally, at 3 am, I can sleep now, having made a leap in my story, and ready to begin the true tale, having finished what can only be considered a prelude. That in mind, if nopony cares that I ask, how is it shaping up for you so far? Intermediary Entry: The Effects of Clover on the Pony MindSorry for my late update, but my attempts to reach my current subject have not been as successful as I had hoped. In order to get near him, and get him to open up to me, I had to allow him to be...comfortable. The sort of pony he is, I had to partake with him in the usage of clover. I must delay his entry for a little longer, whilst I clear my mind. During my time with him, I have begun to jot notes, finding my memory impaired while influenced. For now, though, I shall list the effects that it has on me, as I have them still on my mind, Easy having only just left. My memory is impaired, I can't recall passage of time too well. My mind is somehow fogged and clear, where I remember little, but am free of thought. Admittedly, I see why he has a fondness for this substance, although I have no need for it. I enjoy things more while influenced, or cloved, as he calls it, but worry more as well, partially due to my inability to recall if I did something or not. My attention during these periods is also limited, and reading a paragraph can take longer than it should. I will not lie and say I do not enjoy it, but I do understand the need to be free from the substance. Perhaps Easy will someday com clean, and can be analyzed as somepony entirely different. I do not have the time to run a lengthy study to find long term personality effects, nor do I have any interest in continuation of use past when it is necessary to my task, as I do not wish for it to influence my studies. The time I spend with him, he seems to see me as a friend, opening up more voluntarily. I too feel open when influenced, so that is likely an effect. Maybe he is the same person cloved and normal, but I wonder if I will ever know. My attention is fleeting, however, and I shall have to do my full analysis at a later date. ~From the desk of Inkblot Author's Note I am so sorry for the belated update, and this bonus chapter is my apology. Also take this art stuff, which is just a scanned picture of the notes Inkblot said he had taken. That's right, this story has reached an all new level. Ego aside, Inkblot will not be a cloverlover, as the notes proclaim. That was merely an insinuation made by Easy Going. Also, clover is legal but controversial in the story, and certainly not something a psychologist ought to be doing under normal circumstances. Also, part of the purpose of this chapter was to offset my first Pinkie chapter, and bring their total to at least 1,000 words, so it is vary short. But I am not dead. Woohoo? ((http://greymatterpony.deviantart.com/art/Inkblot-Update-Notes-on-Easy-Going-359132833))
Entry One: Self-AssessmentBefore beginning my endeavor to analyze all the ponies I see in my everyday life, I find it only fair that I subject myself to the same harsh judgement I shall impose upon the others. As I have come to learn in my profession, nopony truly knows themselves until they begin to try to understand why they are. Not who, but why. Having not yet taken any steps to learn as to why I am, I expect there will be more entries revolving around myself as I uncover more about myself, including some parts I fear I cannot admit to myself are problems. As the mere existence of this journal can attest to, I have an obsessive personality, which I believe began when I was but a colt. After the accident from which I got my cutie mark, my father never truly felt I had gotten it, but that the mark was simply paint that refused to come off of it. He tried to get me to do new things, and do them well, to discover my talent, but my talent truly is with Psychology. He still thinks I am a blank flank, but that is for another entry. I did take something away from his pushing, if something is worth doing, it is worth doing right, and indeed I intend to do this journal right, and have no intentions of ending it before I feel I understand everypony I see more than they understand themselves, or more than they want to. Of course, my obsessions have sprouted yet another problem for me. I have a sort of anti-social problem, I don't avoid meeting other ponies, but find that I judge them too harshly, a sort of pessimism that comes with the job. I do have a few friends, but far fewer than many of my fellow citizens in Ponyville. Unfortunately, even with friends I am never off the job. as I often find myself analyzing my friend Grey Matter, and finding the flaws in his own mind. A peculiar case that one, but again, a story for another entry. Perhaps most disturbing about my psychology is the thought that I was not always like this. There was once a time when I was a carefree foal, like everypony else, but my chosen profession, and my father's reaction, changed me, and dulled my emotions in some capacity. I still feel things, and I await the day that I shall meet somepony who can warm my heart (One thing Grey and I share is our desire for an emotion neither of us have ever felt before). I suppose there is no point in teasing whoever may read this journal, so to give you more understanding into who, and why, I am, I shall explain how I got my cutie mark. I was aiding my father in repainting the kitchen, and my mother was quite an inspired woman, so amidst all the new colors, she wanted to add some black accents to the walls. It was quite an aesthetically pleasing design, so much so that I payed more attention to the art on the walls than my father on his stepladder. Sure as I am here today, he fell off of it and spilled the small bucket of paint, which splashed on me. My white coat was splattered with black paint, and upon figuring out what had happened, my eyes were drawn to my flank. There I saw a splotch of paint, and immediately a Rorschach test came to mind. I realized then that my interest in the topic was actually something more, and as luck would have it, my Cutie mark took the form of that same exact patch of paint. My father, fearing that the paint would stain my coat, rushed my to the bathroom to wash it off. Upon my return, still having that spot, he sent me back to wash again. No matter how often I told him it was my Cutie Mark, he felt he had robbed me of my talent. The remainder of my foalhood was filled with him rushing me from one activity to another, trying to find my true talent. I faced activities with a cold, calculating mind by some point, and have remained that way ever since. I would not go so far as to say I was raised in a broken home, but it did seem to be near crumbling. My father and I still rarely speak, not that we hold anything against each other, my father just feels nervous speaking to me, because to him, I am a full grown stallion who was robbed (by him) of a cutie mark, and in turn, his obsession, which sparked mine, has caused him to neglect my mother. Their relationship remains strained to this very day, which I am left to fear I caused, in some indirect way. It makes me wonder, what would my life be if not for that day? Would I have found another talent? Would I still be here today? Would I be on the receiving end of a phychological visit? I think, above all, I suffer from anxiety, but not for what may happen, but what may have not happened. I fear what things would be like is a certain event went differently. I firmly believe that years from now, I will be left to wonder what would be different in my life had I not started this journal, just the same as I wonder what if the paint had not spilled, or had been a different color. At the end of the day, however, things happen a certain way, and we have no way of knowing what life would be like had they not happened, so my brain is at a disconnect. The left side is trying to decide what life could be, while my right tells my left it is meaningless to obsess over. Alas, that is simply who I am. For now at least; we shall see how that changes. ~From the desk of Inkblot. Author's Note In writing this chapter, I found it interesting to think about how this reflects upon me as a person. Inkblot was my fourth OC, and the first one to not be drawn from my own life, but rather to spring into my head as a fully formed idea. In as such, he does not relate to me as much as others do, most notably Grey Matter, yet I find my writing style does nevertheless reflect upon me in some light. Up next: Either Grey Matter (My other OC) or Pinkie Pie. Leave a comment to help decide which way it goes!
Entry Two: Grey Matter Following my previous entry, I realized that judging myself was not enough proof of my intentions, considering that many ponies judge themselves, perhaps more harshly than they do anypony else. Facing that, my decision on who I would next catalog was made easy, although carrying it out was made more difficult. As much as I feel bad having to do this, I find it the only way to prove that I am not holding back. So, eventually, I made the choice to analyze my best friend: Grey Matter. It is at this point my intentions must be made clearer, that I am not here to judge ponies and point out their faults, but more to highlight their quirks. Let's face it, nopony is perfect, but even I am not one to criticize everypony I see. I seek not to tell them that they have problems, but to seek insight into why they are, as I indicated previously. Knowing Grey as much as I do, there is quite a bit more to draw from, and I actually do know of his history, so there will be less speculation on his foalhood, and more on what connects to what. To that end, I must commend him, for though he is like the rest of us, and not without flaw, he has managed to make the most out of the cards he was dealt. What would cause some ponies to become shut-ins only gets him out the door to meet that special somepony. A prime example would be his determination to start a family, due to the little time his parents spent with him. His parents did love him, and he is well aware of this, but they both had jobs that required them to work long hours, and under heavy stress. The most time he spent with his parents was on a vacation to Fillydelphia, which was almost cancelled due to work. Grey, driven to prevent this catastrophe, managed to figure out the problem his father was working on, so it could be sent in and the family would be able to leave. During this vacation he realized the sort of family he wants to have as a stallion. Later in life, however, this became an obstacle, as his desire for that special somepony got in the way of his other relationships. Worse, he feared with each and every rejection that he had no hope left, that he would never find that special somepony. By now, however, he has calmed down, though not yet found that mare with whom to spend the rest of his life. This...obsession, has controlled every aspect of his life, where he has even based his career path on his fixation. He has trained in business, having the paradoxical, though somehow seemingly sound thought to start his own business so he can control his own hours. He is focused on that job now, while looking still for the mare of his dreams, yet taking now to start it up. Indeed, he has his faults, including his ego problems. Generally he comes off to ponies as being too self concerned, though not of high self esteem. He loves to talk about himself, and his past, even if he is not too proud of himself. He does tend to get on the nerves of other ponies by acting this way, but is at the same time too unsure of himself to land a beautiful mare. He still hops back on the horse, after a period of mourning, of course. It is that very attitude that makes him such a fine source of information, he enjoys talking about himself, and bragging even, so that it won't take much for me to get something out of him to put here. Of course, this all brings me to the solution to his problem: Finding his special somepony. My friend is stuck in a vicious cycle, where he has a large ego and low self esteem, so when he tries to date somepony, it does not end well, so he feels bad, and has lower self esteem, only to then brag more when something goes right and thereby ruining another date. It seems that he has found plenty of mares able to look over one aspect of his personality, but given the fact that they reside on opposing ends of the spectrum, he has a much harder time finding one who can overlook both. But at the end of the day, this stops him from having his heart broken when it really matters. He does not waste much time with somepony who is not able to love him regardless, and the relationship reaches an end before he becomes too attached. Eventually, I feel he will meet his perfect mare and she will not only overlook these extremes of his personality, but correct them. He so values having somepony to love that it seems to be slowly killing him not too, that I fear this lack, so integral to him, could lead to depression. As emotionless as I often seem, I feel for my friend, and I am glad to be his friend, for without a friend he can trust, he could already be there, hopeless. I don't know which I fear more, that his depression could be a reflection of me in the future, or that my emotionlessness could be a reflection of him in the future. Honestly, though, I find it inconsequential to ponder such things at this time, for they may even facilitate the process speeding up. Now that I have taken time to judge my best friend, and even voice my true concerns for his well being, I hope to maintain my integrity, although I may need to return to him later, depending on what may change in his life, or things I may notice that I never did before. As for this particular moment, I cannot carry on this entry much longer, for the realizations I have made, even to myself, are simply too much. I have judged my friend as harshly as I could, and I feel for him. I feel what he feels. Writing what I have about him...I too feel the sting these words carry. ~From the desk of Inkblot Author's Note I believe the most disturbing part of writing this entry is that...Grey Matter is me. I poured myself into that character, making perhaps a better me, even. Well, he is me in the result, not in the logic behind it. My parents are here for me...home a bit too often even, but I am still very romantic, and determined to find the one. In a sense, the self analysis was more an analysis of a character I have fabricated, and I felt the pain for him. The pain Inkblot feels now is real. Even a disgust with his actions, but at the same time, a sort of pride in doing his job, regardless of the cost. Hopefully, my next chapter(s) will involve a cast character...
Entry Three: Pinkameena Diane Pie (Part 1 of 2) I am quite pleased to finally be able to approach some of the more outgoing ponies in Ponyville, and after toying around in my thoughts, the answer showed itself as an all too familiar face. This pony shows up all over the place, running around to spend time with everypony she can. This peculiar pony, a Miss Pinkameena Diane Pie, though known by almost everypony as Pinkie Pie, has gone as far as to make herself Ponyville's One-Pony Welcome Wagon. Pinkameena, from what I have heard, was raised on a rock farm, having very little contact with ponies off of the farm, though this is all from what I have heard from others. She certainly seems like the sort of pony I need to speak with at some point in the future to learn more. Pinkameena seems to rely too heavily on her friends, to the point of being totally broken up whenever they cannot make time for her. She made this shortcoming all too clear when one day her friends simply had no time to spend with her. Unbeknownst to her, they were planning a surprise party, but she had gotten so wrapped up in worrying that she forgot she even had a birthday that day. Furthermore, she has shown attachment issues, worried about being forgotten after even the slightest passage of time. Lastly, she happens to often spread herself thin, leading to stories of her somehow cloning herself (May be crazy. If not Pinkameena, then those who allege she cloned herself.) It would not take such a professional as myself to predict that such a dependency is a weakness to her, or that it could be harmful to her in the future, due in part to the fact that it has already been proven true. Nevertheless, she seems not to have learned from her past, and continues on that path to this very day. I can only be left to wonder what sort of inter-familial relationships she had that would end in this sort over-reliance on friends, having no true experience with her that can back these substantiations up much, or at all. Still, aside from judging her based almost only on her friends, she seems not to be the most stable of ponies. Though not by any stretch an objectively insane pony, she does have odd tendencies, such as stashing balls all over Ponyville, "in case of ball emergency." Though there are many more examples, I would rather not waste time on analyzing each one specifically, but let the whole of experience with Pinkameena be enough to describe it. Although, I find myself wondering about her something I do not wonder with any other subject, at least not so much... Am I wrong about her? She is most certainly "out there," but she also seems to have some things going for her no other ponies do. While she is also placing far too much value on her friendships, and not quite enough on relationships with her family, and often proves to be an annoyance to her friends, her other...eccentricities can be proven accurate. For example, Pinkameena's ball she had stashed away for emergencies turned out to be useful and needed in this very emergency, so is it really crazy? Even curiouser, Pinkameena seems to have innate control over things even Unicorns and Pegasi cannot control, or that she is able to predict things ponies should not be able to predict. Again, it all comes down to the same question: Is anything truly crazy if it proves to be correct? Is she crazy for doing something, even if that something did just what it needed to? To bring this all back to the point, Pinkameena Diane Pie is odd, but is she crazy, or a genius? Is she possessive of the greatest mind of our generation, an extreme bit of luck, or a total anomaly that must be studied? I feel ashamed that I cannot do her justice in analysis, but it seems impossible to do at this time. I feel that, given her many oddities, and the further oddities presented within these of the first tier, I cannot fairly judge her, but will need to save something like that for a future entry. I must commend Pinkameena for Author's Note This chapter was an odd one, because going in to writing it I knew of two things, 1) That it would be a two parter, and 2) That it would end abruptly. I eventually settled on a few more factors, including the name (I find that regarding her as Pinkameena was more professional, especially since he hardly knows her), the final length (between the style of this chapter and the abrupt ending, I knew it would be a short one), and the style itself. I am quite pleased with how it has turned out, especially considering the next part, which I hope to have up this same weekend. I still have some rereading and editing to do later, but for now, it is 3:30 am, and I am just glad I stayed up to have the chapter ready before the season finale. On another note, one thing you may have noticed is how he deviates from the trail a bit, which I find a highly nice way of showing how confusing she is to him, enough so that he forgets what he was supposed to be doing. Otherwise, any unanswered questions from this chapter will be handled in the future/ I can only say this: that ending? So long as the last word is "for," then that is the proper ending. I did not accidentally delete some of the chapter. As always, feedback is highly appreciated!
Entry Four: Pinkie Pie (Part 2 of 2) I apologize for my abrupt departure from the previous entry, but I had a visitor, and following her visit I was not quite feeling the same as I was previously, and left my previous entry unfinished as a result. Pinkie, as she has requested I call her, came over to pay me a visit. After spending some time with her, and allowing her to relate to me a more detailed, and probably more accurate (though with her I am still unsure) version of her history, I am now able to make what I hope is a more accurate and complete entry about her. Whatever the case, I did not find that my former entry still holds true, nor did I find myself able to even finish my train of thought. As it now stands, I am able to review her tale of her Cutie Mark, and it seems she does indeed fear a return to her roots, not too uncommon for somepony who has come so far. Most of them either develop some yearning or a disdain for their roots. This, however, raises a question of cause versus effect, is she afraid of visiting the farm because of her family, or afraid of her family because of the farm? Given recent dealing with a Great and Powerful unicorn, and her reaction to the rock farm, my lean is that she hates the farm, because as the unicorn conjured the image, Pinkie was not of any particular aversion to the ponies seen, but more to the locale. Whatever the case, her reliance on friends seems to be more based on being unable, or unwilling, to visit her family than seeded in some hatred of her family. Of course, this makes her reliance no less concerning, and I worry still for her. This also raises the question of how she regards her friends, given she considers everypony her friend, yet puts so much importance on so few. (Although, she has put more into her other friendships of late, possibly because of her run-ins in the past, and a fear of the same occurring again.) As for any precognition, I still do not understand this so called "Pinkie Sense," and doubt I ever will. Rather than delving into why she has this sense, which is not seemingly rooted in psychology, but something beyond anypony to understand, including herself, I will try to find the implications of this sense. For starters, I would think that the interim, however short, between getting a signal and the event occurring, seems as though it would eventually take a toll on anypony's psyche; knowing something, but not quite KNOWING. It seems like it would gnaw at her, though I would not say that it alone is the cause of her eccentricities. She is indeed a tough nut to crack on that one, so it does not seem worth the time and energy to try quite yet, for all I know she could just be genetically crazy, and not a bit related to her past. That seems the most logical conclusion, given how little seems objectively wrong with her past, having a loving family and all. The only possible thing to cause this is the stress caused by wanting to see her family and not wanting to go back to the rock farm, but even that seems loose. Moving forward, her talent of keeping others happy raises its own questions, among them whether she is easily pleased herself? Is the only thing that can make her happy making others happy? Is she selfless in that respect, or is it a selfish act? I suppose that there are a few ways to determine that, but it is something to be done at a future date. More pertinent questions for other professionals would be if she adapts to what makes others happy, considering it is different for everypony, although she has had to change for some donkeys. In reference to my question posed in her former entry, however, I find it is still true that these oddities in her personality, these quirks, exist regardless of the conditions. It is still odd that she stashes balls all over Ponyville in case of emergency, but they are indeed useful. It really comes down to the pony, and to dispel any connections, her Pinkie Sense is not quite specific or advanced enough to warn her about such things. Nevertheless, I cannot rule out any other form of premonition that could have told her she needs to stash certain balls in certain places. At the end of the day, she seems to not truly know what is going on even when she uses the balls, so it would mean that if anything she is driven to do something, without knowing why herself. Finally I feel I have been able to approach her with more accuracy. I only see now how difficult my job will be, judging ponies without having interacted with them much. I can expect a large amount of my future writing to be based off of things that I hear, but will attempt to gather as much fact as possible from a given situation. in wrapping up for her, though, I find that while there is much that is off about her, she is not in any way "wrong" in her inner machinations, just different. While this has given me a chance to explain in what ways she is different, I wish yet to learn why she is so far different, but I believe that will be beyond even my comprehension. In order to have any hope in learning these reasons for her being her it would mean revealing my true talent, which as yet nopony but Grey Matter and few others know, a few that I can trust not to tell anypony else, for fear they will ruin my experiment. It would mean that, at this time, I am unable to fully comprehend her, though I doubt I ever will, whether I reveal my talent to her or not. Instead, all I can do now is move on and see what I can do for other ponies. Now that I have finished somepony beyond my own close friends, I feel proud to have begun my journal in earnest, and to now be able to move on and analyze whomever I may find. ~From the desk of Inkblot Author's Note Well, as of this chapter, I am removing the training wheels. As the story develops its own plot, I find it less necessary for me to explain every thing that happens. The Author's Notes will still contain bits on the writing, but less explanation. This is the last time I plan to openly explain the occurrences of the chapter, and will from now on simply delve into my own experience in writing. I hope that you have all been conditioned to the writing style enough to understand what happens in the story as it develops, though I also hope that some bits will be the topic of no small debate. That out of the way, in this chapter, I wanted him to judge Pinkie less than he did in the previous, because he felt sort of reserved last time, but now is able to commit better (knowing her more) and yet feels more need to be nice (as she is friends with everypony). At the same time, I feel he is also trying to be nice because of her past (Though I believe you all can easily recall Party of One...). I can't wait to begin expanding out some more. It is at this point I open up to begin doing OC's, as well as doing more cast characters. I have my facebook page linked in my Bio, and will occasionally post polls on who I should do next. (Polls that feature OCs will have no cast characters, for obvious reasons). Even at that, I still hold the right to make the final decision. Now, to the last part of my notes, the writing. This was a hard chapter to write, because I had trouble trying to get it to make up for the abrupt ending of the previous chapter, despite knowing that, at the end of the day, I must be writing for me. This was also hard to write because I was watching the season finale over and over and over. I have not yet finished the chapter at the time of this writing, but am on my total of 6-7th time watching since yesterday, and about to restart it again. I am losing an awful lot of time to the songs...I just love the episode, and cannot wait until Equestria Girls to hold me over until Season four. I know I just opened a can of worms, but please hold your debates. The episode has closed a door for me and opened a new one. I need to start deciding how I am going to handle (Princess) Twilight. If you must argue, do it then. So I lied about that being the last part. I don't really have any absolute plans beyond this chapter, though I am pretty sure I am going to to Toxic next, in exchange for another version of my cover art. Any other thoughts? (Addition: Oh sweet Luna, dat Celestia song!) And now for the part after I finished writing: I feared for a while that this entry would not pass 1,000 words, a goal I set for myself, excepting my previous chapter due to the abrupt ending I have now mentioned far too much. Finally, at 3 am, I can sleep now, having made a leap in my story, and ready to begin the true tale, having finished what can only be considered a prelude. That in mind, if nopony cares that I ask, how is it shaping up for you so far?
Intermediary Entry: The Effects of Clover on the Pony MindSorry for my late update, but my attempts to reach my current subject have not been as successful as I had hoped. In order to get near him, and get him to open up to me, I had to allow him to be...comfortable. The sort of pony he is, I had to partake with him in the usage of clover. I must delay his entry for a little longer, whilst I clear my mind. During my time with him, I have begun to jot notes, finding my memory impaired while influenced. For now, though, I shall list the effects that it has on me, as I have them still on my mind, Easy having only just left. My memory is impaired, I can't recall passage of time too well. My mind is somehow fogged and clear, where I remember little, but am free of thought. Admittedly, I see why he has a fondness for this substance, although I have no need for it. I enjoy things more while influenced, or cloved, as he calls it, but worry more as well, partially due to my inability to recall if I did something or not. My attention during these periods is also limited, and reading a paragraph can take longer than it should. I will not lie and say I do not enjoy it, but I do understand the need to be free from the substance. Perhaps Easy will someday com clean, and can be analyzed as somepony entirely different. I do not have the time to run a lengthy study to find long term personality effects, nor do I have any interest in continuation of use past when it is necessary to my task, as I do not wish for it to influence my studies. The time I spend with him, he seems to see me as a friend, opening up more voluntarily. I too feel open when influenced, so that is likely an effect. Maybe he is the same person cloved and normal, but I wonder if I will ever know. My attention is fleeting, however, and I shall have to do my full analysis at a later date. ~From the desk of Inkblot Author's Note I am so sorry for the belated update, and this bonus chapter is my apology. Also take this art stuff, which is just a scanned picture of the notes Inkblot said he had taken. That's right, this story has reached an all new level. Ego aside, Inkblot will not be a cloverlover, as the notes proclaim. That was merely an insinuation made by Easy Going. Also, clover is legal but controversial in the story, and certainly not something a psychologist ought to be doing under normal circumstances. Also, part of the purpose of this chapter was to offset my first Pinkie chapter, and bring their total to at least 1,000 words, so it is vary short. But I am not dead. Woohoo? ((http://greymatterpony.deviantart.com/art/Inkblot-Update-Notes-on-Easy-Going-359132833))
