How Many Princesses Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
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How Many Princesses Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
How Many Princesses Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
At last, the grandest part of the day had arrived: the ending. Even a princess needs to unwind, and Celestia was no exception to this rule. The usual pleasantries had been exchanged between her and her dear sister as they switched their respective places with the passing of the hours. The day had been nothing beyond the ordinary, but with the responsibilities that come with being a princess, an ordinary day was far beyond that of the residents of the kingdom.
Celestia breathed a sigh of relief as the door to her bedchambers clamored shut behind her. She carefully removed her crown and placed it on a small pillow atop the pillar nearby the door as the last of her regal attitude drifted away with the last rays of the setting sun that sank into the horizon. A girlish giggle slipped past her lips as she leapt towards her bed with glee. The many pillows adorning it flew in various directions, most onto the marble floor but the few that bounced around the mattress she collected together in her magical aura and propped against the headboard.
Her personal throne of comfy-ness complete, Celestia reached for a nearby book with her magic. Having been around so very long, she had already read most of the books in the palace, but it wasn’t until she had taken Twilight under her wing that she discovered the magic of literature and fiction. It had become a guilty pleasure in recent months, now that her student had grown and moved on to grander duties, and Celestia herself on to the bigger picture. Still, she had come to cherish these few hours that she could get away from the stress and inanity of her regal lifestyle.
Her current addiction was a series of novels detailing the adventures of a spelunking pegasus, encountering dangerous villains and booby traps during her travels to collect the most prized artifacts and mythical memorabilia of civilizations past. While the first book had done little to pique her interests (she found many massive faults in the historical accuracy of the civilizations portrayed, and had the documents to back it up), the characters and action were simply so exciting, and before she had finished the second book, she had gone out to collect all the current entries.
The day had seemed to last so long. Perhaps it was because she was so eager for her personal time. Perhaps it had simply been an exhausting day. Most likely, it was because she hadn’t slept at all the previous night, and instead opted to read until the sun came up. Late. Because she had forgotten that was her one job. Her body was at an impasse. Groggy and frustrated from lack of sleep, yet too wired and excited to put her reading on hold. Things were just getting good, and Celestia was keen to discover the fate of the heroine’s current journey.
The cover to the book floated open and the pages began to flip rapidly before coming to rest on the page she had dog-eared the previous night. The room began to grow dim, as outside, Luna’s transition from day into night was nearly finished. Celestia’s eyes remained fixed on the page, all of her focus concentrated on absorbing the details therein as it levitated in the air with little effort, and while she reached a hoof towards her bedside table and began banging around in search of the light. Being a city populated primarily by unicorns, Canterlot had years ago done away with candles and other primitive forms of light, replacing them with an underground system of wires connected to a unicorn run power plant that was designed to convert unicorn magic into enough power to run minor appliances and the like. At least it was far… cleaner than the rumored methods of the pegasi factories in Cloudsdale.
Celestia’s bloodshot eyes were straining to see the words on the page as her hoof searched for illumination. There was a crash as minor knick-knacks fell to the floor, and yet her eyes remained fixed on the page, somehow unnerved by the destruction of whatever priceless artifact had been reduced to dust. At last, the familiar feel of the lamp switch graced her hoof, and a bright flash of light lit up the room, and was quickly followed again by darkness.
At last distracted enough to place her reading on hold, Celestia laid the open book face down to carefully preserve her spot as her gaze inquired why the light had ceased to function. Maybe she had missed the switch… nope. It clicked back and forth and yet no light whatsoever. In the dim light of the moon, she could make out the cracked and broken glasses and dishes she had knocked from the table, leftovers from midnight snacks she had ordered her guards to fetch during previous reading binges. She realized in her absence of thought she must have knocked loose the cord running to the lamp with a stray wave of her hoof.
Odd. The cord seemed to run a clear path to her wall socket. Celestia’s patience quickly wore thin as she longed to return to her book. A heavy yawn parted her muzzle as the strain of too many hours spent awake began to set in. She lay back in the bed and picked up the book with her hooves, resolving to illuminate the room with her magic instead. Even as an extension of her body, her horn felt numb from exhaustion and sparked and fizzled before passing along the message that it refused to exert any more effort until it got forty winks.
Frustration quickly boiled into anger, and an enraged Celestia stomped out of the room and called for the nearest guard to come remedy the issue. She was rather shocked when nopony rushed to her aid, and look up and down each end of the corridor, wondering why the castle seemed devoid of guards and servants. A faint cough echoed down the hallway, and reminded her of the recent outbreak of pony flu within the city residents, particularly those of her personal work force.
With every earth pony, pegasus and unicorn within the castle walls sick in bed, Celestia galloped off down the hall in search of the one pony she knew for certain wouldn’t get sick…
***
Luna stood at the edge of the throne room balcony, tapping her hooves and bobbing her head to a rhythm created by the twinkling of the stars above. She hummed softly as she watched the night sky awaken, assigning notes to each of the stars and letting them compose and conduct the melody. The rather catchy hook stuck in her head as she made her way back into the common area, her fun work for the day complete, and the boring doldrums of endless paperwork now awaiting her attention.
Every night it was the same boring issues. Always with the petty squabbles and inane ordinances that required a royal hoof of approval to be finalized. It was mundane, but she took pride in the fact that every night the stack of paperwork was always finished, and equally infuriated when the next night the stack returned taller than before.
Luna took her place at the desk and rested her haunches on a rather firm, yet posture-friendly pillow, and stretched out her hooves, counting one too many cracks as her joints began to pop in relief. She placed each of her forehooves into the nearby inkwells, one red and the other black to signify either her denial or approval of each request respectively.
The first form levitated its way down before her, and Luna began to skim its contents. Nothing but dull prose and legalese, which meant everything must be in order. A firm smack of her hoof and a black hoofprint later, the form was out of sight, out of mind. It was rinse and repeat after this. One by one the stack began to dwindle down, and even though Luna was herself a nocturnal pony, she couldn’t help but feel a small yawn pass her lips from sheer boredom. How long would she be stuck doing this kind of work before her sister would trust her ag—
“LUUUUUNAAAAAAAA!!!”
A sudden cry rang through the room as the doors burst open and the elder sister galloped in, tears flowing from her bloodshot eyes. The unexpected visitor took Luna by surprise, and as she tried to keep herself from falling out of her seat, the stacks of papers went flying into an even more disorganized mess than when she had begun.
Now thoroughly frustrated, Luna pulled herself back up above the table, seeing out of the corner of her eye that during her collapse, a black hoofprint had awkwardly landed on yet another request from Pinkie Pie she had always been careful to deny. Between the censored lines covered by hoofprint and the other papers strewn about the table, all she could make out were bits and pieces. It was the usual fare from Pinkie: a request for more troops and something about awaiting orders. ‘Massive cache of explosives and munitions hiding under Sugarcube Corner’?
Luna made a brief mental note to burn the evidence as she worried what Pinkie’s imagination would fathom in her next ‘report’. She pulled the rest of her demeanor together to resist the urge to strangle her elder and forced a smile with a polite, “Yes, sister? What seems to be the matter that you would… interrupt my duties?”
Celestia sniffled and tried to explain her dire straits, but each statement was interrupted by another fit of sobbing. “In bed– Reading my– Good part– Not working—” and by this point she had descended into a mush of sorrow too deep to make out words.
It was difficult to make sense of the situation, even with the sisterly bond between them, but frustrated as she was by the interruption, Luna could tell just how much this predicament was truly bothering her poor sister. “I’m not sure I understand, sister. Clear your thoughts and tell me what is wrong.”
Celestia tried again, but her noises were mere mumbling and tears again. Luna smacked herself in the face with a hoof, and realized as she pulled the hoof away that it was still covered in red ink, and feared for what her face must look like at the moment. “Okay, fine. Can you perhaps show me what the problem is?”
***
By this point, Celestia’s throes into sorrow had left her luxuriously flowing mane in spiky shambles, and her body begged for sleep. Her will, on the other hoof, raged on, ever curious and fearful of what would happen if she never got to the end of her book. She made fruitless efforts to pantomime out the situation that had caused her swift descent into madness, and her sister remained confused up until Celestia tried again to switch on the light to no avail.
“Hmmm?” Luna murmured, her curiosity now eloquently piqued. “What’s wrong with the lamp? Did you unplug it?”
Celestia vigorously shook her head, insisting she had already investigated that particular theory.
“Oooo-kay… Strange.” Luna wondered what further advice she could offer, but truth be told, she knew little about the device. Having always been a creature of the night, she had no need for artificial light, and could see just fine in the darkness. In fact, she preferred it. The sunrise had always made her eyes burn a bit, but Celestia had to constantly remind her it was not to be stared at directly.
Luna continued to search for logical explanations, as logic was far beyond Celestia’s capacity in her current state. “Is the power out around Canterlot?”
Her innate need to solve problems through logic overpowered her current desire to cry and stumble until the problem fixed itself, and Celestia rubbed her chin with a hoof and shrugged as her sobs came to brief halt. “I sincerely doubt that. One of the castle guards would have alerted us to a situation of that degree.”
The younger mare frowned a bit and stared at the mysterious device, still unaware of the inner workings that made it tick. Or rather, made it shine. “Perhaps an alternate source of power?” she proffered. The velvety blue aura within her horn began to shine, and soon the lamp found itself encased in the eerie glow. Still, beyond the soft glow of her magic, the lamp offered no light in return. Luna gave up on the effort and turned back to her sister. “It must be broken, sister.”
“But I’ve had this lamp for…” Celestia quickly added up the many years, her lifetime of memories making it difficult to measure time anymore. “—Centuries! And it’s always worked before.”
Luna sighed with frustration at her sister’s lack of ability to grasp the simple concept that the lamp was no more. “Well, it’s not working now, does it?” Luna scowled as she tried to get the point across.
Tears began to well up in the elder sister’s eyes again as the reality of the situation set in. She wondered how she would get any reading done now! Daring Do was so close to discovering the location of the long lost temple of Abraxas, and just when it was within reach she was surrounded by a battalion of tribe ponies with blowguns each aimed right at her neck, so she—
Luna shook Celestia violently as she tried to call her attention back to the situation back in Equestria. “Are you listening to me? It is an ex-lamp! This lamp has ceased to be!” she yelled, wondering if anypony could hear her. It was all she could do to withhold the booming overdrive of the old and proper royal Canterlot accent.
For a brief moment, Celestia was so wrapped up in her fantasies about the book that she thought it was Daring Do herself trying to shake her awake. Yet as the reality of the setting returned to her, she found herself begging and pleading with her sister to make the problem go away. “Isn’t there any way we can fix it?”
“I honestly wouldn’t know,” Luna replied. “The technology of this era is still beyond the grasp of my knowledge. I’m still adjusting to much of it since my leave of absence from the throne.” The grace and poise in her response quickly turned to chiding sarcasm as she continued, “Besides, I am the princess of the night. Light would be your realm, dear sister, would it not?”
Celestia’s confusion only grew with the response. “But I don’t have the slightest how things work! I’m a politician, not an engineer!” she cried.
“Well unless you know somepony else we can ask, I’m fresh out o—”
Before Luna could finish her thought, Celestia charged out of the room as quickly as her tired hooves could carry her and returned a few moments later with another sleepy alicorn in tow.
“Wha–?” the sleepy newcomer posed as she yawned, confused as to her sudden awakening. The line between where her dreams had ended and reality returned seemed to blur, and she wondered what a couple of talking candyponies would want at this hour.
Luna’s voice dropped to a bitter monotone as she asked, “Why did you wake poor Cadence?”
“Hehehe!” giggled the dreamwalker. “You sound just like Auntie Luna, Mayor Gumdrop!” Cadence stumbled as she woozily wandered towards Luna, and then proceeded to give her a long, wet lick across the royal flank.
Luna yelped as her body instinctively leapt away in shock, and Celestia lost her ability to contain her laughter at the sight. Cadence smacked her lips together a bit and wondered aloud, “You don’t taste nearly as good as your name would suggest. I think someone coated you in fur instead of sugar.”
Violated and embarrassed as she tried to hide the blush in her cheeks, Luna marched over to her elder sister and gave her a harsh smack across the muzzle for revenge, as well as for laughing at her misfortune. She then gave Cadence a far gentler smack to awaken her from whatever distorted dream contained her. “Wake up, child! I am not, nor have ever been, a gumdrop, nor any other sort of candy!”
Cadence still looked a bit confused as the last bits of dream left her field of vision and the sight of an angry Auntie Luna stared back at her. “Auntie Luna?” she posed, quickly realizing what her tongue had actually tasting and nearly retching in disgust as she tried to spit the taste out of her muzzle. “Oh sweet Celestia, who would make me do such a thing?”
Luna pointed toward the elder sibling stuck in a giggling fit in the corner. “I do believe you just answered your own question, young one.”
Her own face now also blushed with embarrassment and anger, Cadence proceeded to march up to Celestia and give her another well-deserved smack across the opposite side to even out the pain. She turned to both her fellow princesses and kindly asked, “Can I please go back to bed now?”
Again, it was Luna that answered the question. “As much as I would love to let you return to bed, and myself to my duties, your aunt decided to wake you for a reason.”
“Oh?” Cadence asked as she turned her head to the elder princess with an eyebrow raised in confusion.
Celestia solemnly cleared her throat to explain. “Do you know anything about how lamps work?”
Cadence appeared to lose a sudden battle with gravity as she collapsed face first into the floor. She pulled herself back up with a scowl on her face. “That’s why you woke me up?”
Stumbling through her words about as much as Cadence did her hooves, Celestia only responded, “Uhhhhh… Yes?”
“I’m going back to bed.”
“And I back to work.”
“No! Pleeeeeeease!” Celestia begged as she clung onto Cadence’s hooves to keep her from walking away.
Cadence sighed as she turned her head back to offer some kind of condolence. “Do you seriously need my help?”
Celestia’s eyes brightened as she nodded in reply, and a moment later Luna nodded as well to admit she had no idea how to help.
“Did you unplug it?” Cadence asked.
Celestia shook her head again. “Why does everypony keep asking that?” she wondered aloud.
“Fine, maybe it’s just not getting enough power.”
“I explored that theory as well,” Luna replied. “My magic produced nothing.”
“Pffft,” Cadence shrugged off the answer as she joking prodded Luna. “Well of course. You’re all about night magic. Make Celestia do it.”
At that moment, Celestia felt as though her horn had gone limp and would be hanging flaccidly in front of her face were it not constructed of bone. “Uh… I—uhhh…” she stammered.
“I think what my sister is trying to say,” Luna replied as a proxy, “is that she has been awake for several days straight, and lacks the remaining energy to peel a banana, much less power a lamp.”
“Well, without all three of us, how do you expect us to generate enough power to fix this?” Cadence inquired.
A figurative light bulb seemed to click on in Celestia’s head as she found a solution to Cadence’s math problem. Luna saw a small smirk begin to form across the edge of her sister’s lips and could only respond with an “Uh-oh.”
“I think I know who can help,” Celestia explained. “Both of you meet me by the generator room in ten– No, five minutes!” She dashed out of the room and then quickly peeked her head back in, “And bring the lamp.”
***
Golden Oaks rattled with the combined violent snoring of a student and her number one assistant. It was amazing that the two slept so soundly each night despite the intermittent sounds of books smacking against the hardwood floors as they fell loose from their confinement on the shelves due to the vibrations.
Somewhere between one snore or another, the diminutive dragon let out a snort in his sleep and a small flame dissipated out into the room. A ribbon-bound parchment materialized from the brimstone expulsion, and gently plopped itself against Twilight’s nose as it fell down between her hooves.
“Mmmm… Not now, Princess Celestia. I’m sleeping,” Twilight mumbled, still fast asleep as she conversed with the pony absent in the room, but present in her dreams. Even in her dreams, she became suddenly aware she had just said no… to the princess! Her eyes suddenly shot open as she called out, “Celestia?”
Even with her vision a bit blurry from the sudden awakening, it was quite clear she was the only pony in the room. Well, there was Spike, she realized, but he didn’t count as a pony. She wondered why she had suddenly awoken with a feeling she was needed when she found the wrinkled parchment crunching between her hooves.
With a swift tug, the ribbon fell to the floor and the parchment unfurled. Twilight’s eyes dotted back and forth, growing wider as they quickly skimmed the lines of text. She gasped as she finished the note and ran about the room grabbing various things and yelling random, broken sentences about help and princesses and having no idea what to do.
Spike gave a weary yawn as his eyes barely parted to see what was the matter. When he saw Twilight going on one of her common stress rampages, he shrugged it off and tried to ignore the noise as he wandered back into a dream about a bottomless bowl of ice cream.
Twilight compiled all the belongings she had collected into her saddlebag, one by one checking them off a list she had labeled ‘In case of midnight princess emergency’. Feeling equal parts stressed and prepared, she heaved the overstuffed saddlebag onto her flank and closed her eyes in concentration as a circle of light gathered around her. She briefly hovered into the air before a flash of light burst through the room and when the darkness returned, she was gone.
Spike’s eyes clenched as the flash of light bore through his eyelids and woke him from the subtle discomfort. He found a small note pinned to his small bed, and gave it a quick look before shrugging again and returned to his dream paved with rocky roads and moose tracks.
Spike,
Have to go save Equestria.
Be back in the morning.
Maybe…
***
A flash of light appeared in the throne from of Canterlot Castle, and Celestia eagerly looked upon it with a hopeful smile, imagining it to be the lamp back in working order, before realizing it was the visitor she had summoned. As the light subsided, she called out to her student, “Twilight Sparkle! Thank you for coming on such sort notice.”
Twilight politely bowed before her mentor. “Of course, Princess. I’m happy to help, day or night.”
“I know I can always count on you. Come, there’s no time to waste. Follow me.”
The two began to make their way down the corridors of the castle, and Twilight was all too eager to ask question after question as to what sort of emergency would have called her here.
“In due time,” Celestia replied. “First, there is something very special I must give to you to complete this task.”
Twilight mind wandered with curiosity. “But, I packed everything!” she yelled with worry in her voice. “I have everything for every possible emergency! What could I have forgotten?”
“I’m sure you have all the right things, Twilight. You’ve never been one to be careless. What I wish to grant you instead, is power.”
“Power?”
“Yes, my faithful student. You will need great power to complete this task, and I know you’re the only pony I can trust with such responsibility.”
“Are you sure I can handle it?”
“Yes, Twilight. I have no doubt in my mind.”
A large door stood before them and slowly opened forth into an open room with a case in the center containing a spotless, golden crown. Celestia approached the case and it slowly opened, revealing the glorious shimmer of the prize inside. “Twilight?” she asked. “Are you ready to become a princess?”
“A p-p-p-princess?” Twilight stammered in shock. “Like Luna? Like you? A princess princess?”
“Yes, Twilight. It’s the only way you will be able to conquer this challenge, and I believe you have proven yourself worthy and ready.”
Twilight began to swoon with excitement, but also a bit of fear. She always admired Celestia as a superior, not an equal, and feared that would change once this transformation was complete. “Does that mean…” she mumbled as tears began to gather in her eyes, “You won’t be my teacher anymore?”
Celestia pulled Twilight close to her in a tight hug. “Just because I have nothing left to teach you, doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop being your teacher.”
Twilight brushed tears away from her eyes and stomped a hoof down with solid resolve. “Okay,” she confidently said. “I’m ready.”
Celestia carefully took the crown from its resting spot and placed it on its new home. A spark ignited at the end of Twilight’s horn as the crown lay down upon her and the light began to encompass her entire body. Even the royal empress of light held a hoof to shield her eyes from the strength of the direct luminescence as the core grew brighter.
“How do I look?” the former student kindly asked, as Celestia realized she no longer needed to hide her eyes from the light once it had subsided.
“Uhhhh…” Celestia groaned.
“Oh no! Did it not work? Was I not ready?” Twilight worriedly questioned.
“I thought you’d be taller,” Celestia responded. Twilight realized at that moment that she was still craning her neck upwards to talk eye-to-eye with her mentor, and indeed all the princesses she knew were also ponies of stature beyond their crowns. Then again, she only knew three princesses, and she knew that was far too small a sample to establish a sociological trend in the height patterns of monarchy. Plus, it would make a boring chart.
Twilight began to second guess her counting and wondered if there were more princesses she had met, or if there were others she just didn’t know of. She began to count the names she could recall on her feathers, one by one. It was somewhere between six and seven when she suddenly realized she was counting on her feathers. “Oh my gosh! Wings? Are these mine?” she questioned. She plucked a feather to inspect closer and uttered a painful, “Ouch,” as she realized she had just answered her own question.
As amusing as the sight was, Celestia could see clocks in her head ticking forward as she lost precious reading time, and she turned the newly-crowned Princess Twilight around and began pushing her back through the door they had entered in. “Hurry! There’s no time to waste!” she urged.
“B–but! The height thing,” Princess Sparkle insisted. “Should I fix that now, or is i—”
“Not now. I have a much better test for your new powers, Princess Twilight.”
Twilight gasped again as the reality set back in that she was now a member of royalty. She couldn’t wait to tell her family all about it. This led to her having a sudden realization that could wait to be asked as Celestia’s head continued to push against her flank and slide her towards whatever direction it guided her. “Wait, if I’m a princess, and you’re a princess, and Cadence is a princess… What is Shining Armor?”
“Later. Task. Now.” Celestia pushed a little harder, and a residual spark of her remaining magical power leapt from the tip of her horn into Twilight’s belly. The nubile princess yelped as her own magic triggered from the shock and in the next instant, the pair’s presence blinked out of the room.
***
“Is she going to keep us waiting much longer?” Cadence asked. “I wanna go back to bed with Shiny.” She yawned heavily, her jaw nearly unhinging as her body trembled with lethargy. The thought of her husband seemed to suddenly annoy her as she realized aloud, “Hey, why hasn’t Shiny come looking for me yet? Shouldn’t a good husband notice his wife being dragged out of bed in the middle of the night by his boss?”
“Trust me,” Luna quipped, “I’m sure Celestia has no interest in losing any more reading time than she already has.”
“Reading time?” Cadence said with a puzzled look in her tired eyes.
“Nevermind,” Luna corrected. “Too... annoying to explain. I’m sure she’ll be along shortly, and then you can retire to deal with your… marital issues.”
The newlywed tried to scowl at her aunt’s subtle insult, but another yawn protruded forth before her face could properly scrunch in subtle anger. She nervously tapped her hooves as she wondered whether her knight would come save her from this boring and sleepy place. Her head began to droop as the lack of sleep overcame her and her knees grew too weak to hold her straight. She could hear Luna ranting about something or other, but listening was well beyond her capacity at this point and each word came out as a lulla—
A surprised Twilight reappeared in the center of the room, screaming at well past the maximum volume most average ponies, the full Canterlot princess booming echo en force. “YEOWCH! What’s the big idea?” she questioned with a scorned look directed at the head pushing against her flank, as the sound of the scream made Cadence nearly leap a furlong into the air.
Luna again smacked her own hoof into her face. She quickly pulled it back away to make sure it had no remaining ink on it, and proceeded to resume her smack once she confirmed this fact. “Is this what you call a coronation, dear sister?” she chided sarcastically. “I must say, it seems quite… informal.”
Celestia’s embarrassed lasted only the briefest of moments as she realized they had arrived exactly where she was pushing Twilight. “Ah. I guess we’re here. That seemed quick,” she said, seemingly unaware of the accidental (and bizarrely lucky) teleportation spell she had triggered in Twilight via her makeshift cattle prod.
“Where is here, exactly?” Twilight asked as she glanced around at their new surroundings. The room seemed rather unkempt in comparison to the rest of the castle, as though it weren’t meant to be a part of the daily tour groups that ran rampant during office hours.
“Deep underneath Canterlot Castle,” Luna answered. “Cadence and I have been waiting,” she paused as she took a brief look at Twilight’s wings and realized her new title, “Princess Sparkle.”
Twilight blushed a bit at the utterance of her title before eagerly asking, “Cadence is here? Where?”
Luna pointed a hoof to the ceiling as a pink mass of trembling fur clung onto a pipe hanging from the ductwork in the unfurnished room. “Your sudden ascension to the throne appears to have frightened her,” she quipped.
Twilight’s power seemed to grant her a natural control over her wings despite their recent addition to her body, and she hovered up to apologize to Cadence. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Back on the floor, Luna angrily approached her sister and somehow blurred the laws of sound as her formerly loud accent came out in a dull whisper to keep the rage in her rant private. “You made Twilight a princess? Without consulting either of us? What in the wide, wide world of Equestria were you thinking? It’s a book. Take a day off. Read it in the morning!”
“Oh,” Celestia replied dumbfounded. “I hadn’t really thought of that…”
“No, of course not. This is why you’re supposed to be sleeping when I’m on watch.” Luna sighed. Her voice seemed full of regrets as she conceded, “But you’ve come this far and gone to such… great lengths for a silly cause. Even I must admit that you’ve made me wonder what is wrong with that blasted device. Or if your silly little plan could actually work.”
“Sooooo…” Celestia mumbled. “You’re not mad?”
“Furious. But we can deal with that after.”
The younger princesses descended just as the private conversation was concluding. “So what’s this task you have for me, Princess?” Twilight asked. As three faces stared back at her in response, she realized she couldn’t recall ever having a conversation with all three of them at once. “Errr… I meant her,” she said with a hoof pointed in Celestia’s direction.
Celestia gently cleared her throat before explaining their surroundings. “This is the central power room of Canterlot Castle. Coincidentally it also powers the rest of the city, but I’m getting ahead of myself. It operates on the residual magic of the unicorn population here, but that appears to not be enough for our needs.”
“Your needs,” Luna corrected.
“I concur,” added Cadence.
Celestia shrugged off the comments from the peanut gallery as she continued. “As I was saying, we require the innate magic that only an alicorn can provide to power up the core further. Luna and Cadence have kindly offered their assistance—”
“I don’t remember agreeing to any of this,” Cadence interjected.
Celestia looked back with a sharp glare as she repeated herself with greater emphasis, “Kindly offered their assistance, but I find myself too drained from the setting of the sun to add my efforts.”
“But,” Twilight questioned, “I’m not sure what kind of spell to use.”
“Not all spells have a dedicated purpose,” responded her teacher. “Sometimes, it just takes magic.”
“Alright,” Twilight agreed. “I’ll do as you ask, Princess.” The trio stared blankly at her again. “Her,” she replied with a roll of her eyes, assuming that it was clear enough who she had been addressing.
“Do I get a say in any of this?” Cadence asked.
Luna coyly whispered into Cadence’s ear, “Just do as she says, and it will all be over soon.” She then tapped a hoof against the lunar silhouette etched in her flank and added, “You don’t want to know what happens when she gets mad.”
“Wonderful!” exclaimed Celestia. “You’ll do fine, Twilight. Of that, I am certain. Just gather together here and we can begin.”
The three volunteers circled together and Celestia backed away, slowly dragging her horn in the ground as she paced, until a full ring was formed. Heavenly light filled the floor beneath Twilight, and she gawked a bit, amazed by what she was seeing, and nervous of whether she could handle the task she was given. She looked at Luna and Cadence, who both forced heartwarming smiles to reassure her that all would be fine soon. Her body and will prepared, Twilight closed her eyes and hoped for the best.
Celestia let her guard down as she realized she was safe behind the curtain of light enveloping the other three and searched about the room for her precious object. The lamp had been stashed away in a far corner of the room by Luna and she quickly gathered it up and carried it towards the massive generator in the center of the room. She found an auxiliary outlet and plugged it in, then laid down to the ground and stared intently at the dim lamp, eager for results.
Twilight felt great power surging in her as her body lifted off the ground, and she had no way of telling if it was her magic levitating her or her newly granted gift of flight. She held her eyes tightly shut as she felt the magic flow from her and into to the nearby machine, as it churned louder and louder with each ounce of energy.
Celestia smiled as the generator began to spark from all the excess power it was outputting. Her gaze quickly returned to the lamp and she impatiently wondered how long it took electricity to travel such a short distance. The wire connecting the light to the machine began to glow, and she was unsure if it was the source of the power or simply the temperature beneath the insulation of the wire. Still, the light remained dark as the night sky high above the castle.
Outraged that her plan was turning out a failure, Celestia pounded her hoof firmly against the floor, and the whole room shook in response. The spell suddenly fizzled and the three spell casters collapsed into a heap on the floor. Ignoring their well-being, Celestia remained fixed on the broken object as she yelled, “No! Why isn’t it working? I’ve tried everything! I even made my faithful student a princess!” Her words came hard and accented as she pounded the ground with each syllable. “Why. Won’t. You. Work?”
Slowly pulling herself back on her hooves, Twilight made out the image of the scene before her, and felt terribly confused. She wondered if perhaps she had passed out and had awoken to some topsy-turvy Equestria where she had grown wings and princesses yelled at lamps. As her wits came about, she recalled the events leading up to where she was and realized she was indeed staring at a very real, and equally bizarre scene.
“Princess?” Twilight asked, instinctively pointing a hoof to Celestia as she realized she was continuing to repeat the same faux pas on a regular basis. “Is everything ok?”
Celestia began to cry as she vented her frustration. “No! Everything is not ok! I just want my reading time. My personal moment. But this… accursed object continues to resist my efforts!”
Twilight wished so hard she could deny what she just heard, and replace it with a far more rational explanation to the entire situation. “What?” she asked, her voice monotone with her inability to grasp the gravity (or lack thereof) of Celestia’s plight.
Celestia became all too suddenly aware that she had fully confessed the personal shame and embarrassment that had sparked the entire course of the night’s events. Her head sank low to the ground as she simply gave up what little hope she had remaining. Her voice seemed to calm as she now knew there was no point in hiding the truth any longer. “I just want to read my book, but my lamp broke. I’ve had this for longer than I can remember. It was a gift from the remnants of a fallen kingdom, and now it’s nothing more than garbage,” she said with a flick of her hoof to the lamp, knocking it over with a solid thump.
Still a bit dumbfounded, Twilight approached the lamp and gave it a quick look. She picked up the lamp and began to shake it, holding it close to her ear to hear if her diagnosis was correct. Once she heard the telltale clink she was listening for she placed it back on the ground, and wondered how she could remedy the situation at hoof.
A few moments later, she realized just who she needed to help her, but her expression soured again as she realized that Canterlot was a far way from Ponyville, and she needed help now. When she stopped to think about it though, she knew there was one failsafe way to make her friend appear, no magic necessary. She pointed her hoof to Celestia and angrily accused, “You! You broke a Pinkie Promise!”
Luna and Cadence looked at each other, wondering what kind of nonsense they were witnessing. Cadence grabbed Luna’s head and turned it back around as she saw something out of the corner of her eye that spooked her. A nearby plant had started shaking vigorously, slowly working its way loose from the soil that held fast its roots. The two stared at it curiously wondering what sort of evil magic the new princess had invoked, and then the shaking suddenly stopped.
The pair breathed a sigh of relief, as they had feared the worst. And then the worst happened. “Who broke a Pinkie Promise?” Pinkie Pie furiously yelled as she poked her head out from the pot, the plant affixed to her head like some random accessory.
Cadence let out a harsh yelp as she leapt in shock, and Luna found herself forced to catch the young princess as her body flew right into her hooves. Luna glanced at her, and promptly dropped her to the floor before approaching Twilight and bluntly asking, “Why have you brought her here?”
Twilight raised a hoof to silence the nonbeliever and simply said, “Trust me on this one.” She then walked over to Pinkie as the party pony pulled the remainder of her body out of the pot that had served as her portal into the room. Without a single word, Twilight dove a hoof into Pinkie’s curly coiffure and began to rummage around.
“Hehehe! That tickles!” expressed the giggling Pinkie, no sense about her to question what was going on.
Seemingly random noises appeared to come from within the center of Twilight’s search. The clamoring of pots and pans, accented by xylophones, springs, and what could only be described as the sound of an elephant with laryngitis. Eventually, Twilight proclaimed, “Aha!” as she pulled her hoof out with a small object in her grip. “Thank you Pinkie. Sorry to wake you,” she apologized.
“No problem-o,” Pinkie replied, finally pulling the entirety of her body from her hiding spot and joining the crowd of horns and wings in the room. “Ooooh! Everypony’s a princess! Me too! Me too! I wanna be a princess!”
Cadence rushed to the pot and began to inspect it, wondering why she saw no sign of magic or curse anywhere and looked to the others as she blankly asked, “How does she do that?” Her compatriots shrugged, all seemingly used to the random events that seemed to trail along with Pinkie Pie.
Twilight returned her attention to the task before her, and the small, ovoid object she had removed from within the recesses of Pinkie’s skull. She reached out to the lamp, and gave it a good twist as she removed a similar object from under the intricate shade of the lamp, and then placed the new object in its place. She gathered the end of the wire attached to her mouth and replaced it back into the outlet, and the lamp began to shine gloriously.
Well, it began to shine at least, and that was glorious to Celestia. She stumbled through her words as she attempted to gather her thoughts into a thank you, “Wha—? How? What did you—?”
“Have you really never changed a light bulb?” Twilight inquired, her eyes hanging halfway open to match her sarcastic tone.
“Light… Bulb?” the other princesses asked in unison as they exchanged awkward stares.
Twilight’s hoof connected directly to her face as the reality of the situation grew apparent to her. “Whatever,” she replied. “Just take back this crown and these silly wings and then we can talk.”
“Uhhhh…” the princesses again spoke simultaneously as they groaned in confusion as to how to address that particular request.
“Don’t tell me…” Twilight began to ask as the others simply nodded together, sad they could not comply with her request. “Oh boy,” Twilight worriedly stammered.
“Tee-hee!” giggled Pinkie Pie as she poked and toyed around with the feathers in Twilight’s new permanent fixtures. “Alicorns are silly.”
While Pinkie’s statement sounded like an insult to Luna, she decided to let it slide. The events of the night had been exhausting and yet she felt they were still incomplete. She kept her thoughts to herself, but was rather certain that she was forgetting something… important.
***
Two Days Later…
***
“What did we do to deserve this?” cried the frightened Mrs. Cake.
“I swear to you, we’re just humble bakers!” Mr. Cake pleaded to the guards ransacking to his shop. He clung to his wife as they cowered in the corner trembling with fear. “Why won’t you stop?”
The guard in the fanciest armor loomed over them as he growled, “I told you, it will stop as soon as you tell us where you hid the weapons.”
Mr. Cake held his wife closer as he tried again to explain. “I keep telling you, I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is a friendly neighborhood cake shop. We wouldn’t have any weapons!”
“Lies!” the interrogator yelled as he smashed another cake display with an angry thrust of his hoof.
“Sir! I discovered this flamethrower in the—” The guard paused as he waved his wingtips to make sarcastic tick marks in the air. “—kitchen.”
“Flamethrower?” Mrs. Cake wailed in confusion. “That’s just a crème brûlée torch!”
“Silence!” the leader yelled at them. The couple held each other closer and looked into each other’s eyes as they both wondered how they got pulled into such a terrible mess of confusion.
That is, until a terrible mess of confusion waltzed in the door, completely ignoring the wanton destruction and guards dotting the room. “Morning, mister and missus Cake! Got any yummy treats for me today?” inquired Pinkie Pie.
The couple’s eyes met for a moment that seemed to prolong as they realized what the source of their trouble was. Sugarcube Corner began to rattle restlessly on its very foundation as the pair screamed together at the troublemaking party planner, “PIIIIINK-IEEEEEEE!!!!”
Author's Note
Enjoy the season finale! Try not to ragequit the fandom! We'll miss you if you do!
Seriously, I know you all have written these AMAZING self-inserts where your OC alicorn who everyone adores and is perfect falls in love with Twilight, and the finale may or may not break that fic with its canon, but still. It's a TV show. Enjoy it. Laugh a little.
Thanks to Steel Resolve, Pav Feira, and Karrakaz for pre-reading and notes.
