It begins... and also ends.... Because it's short....
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The Cautionary tail of Epic Thunder
It begins... and also ends.... Because it's short....
It was a bright spring day in the town of Ponyville when the mysterious stranger appeared. Ponies stopped to gawk as he trotted past, awed by his mysteriousness and the fact that he was a stranger. The enigmatic quadruped made his way confidently to the large tree that housed the town library, as well as a certain purple unicorn.
"Twilight Sparkle, we must have words!" The mystery pony burst into the library and took up a commanding pose in the doorway.
The only occupant of the room was Spike, who was cleaning up the place. "She's not here right now, can I take a message?"
The dark pony frowned. "It is imperative I talk to her at once, where is she?!"
"At the park, reading like she normally is, probably on a bench,"
"Oh."
The stranger left and retraced his steps through the town to the park, eventually waking up to a purple unicorn he had passed on his way through the pleasant oasis of green. "Twilight Sparkle, we must have words!"
The young unicorn arched an eyebrow. "Didn't you walk by earlier?"
The dusky equine of mystery shook his head. "That's not important now, we must speak!"
"Pretty sure you did..."
"Irrelevant, we must speak!"
"So speak..." The young magic user crossed her hooves and waited expectantly.
"I bring a warning of doom, doom only we together can prevent."
"Really..." Twilight looked the pony over. He was a tall unicorn, as large as big mac, with a dark coat and mane. Standing out on his flank was a cutie mark of a trench coat crossed with a katana. Twilight wasn't sure what either of those items were, which she thought was strange considering that she knew their names. A pair of travel worn saddlebags hung at his sides, heavy with supplies and tomes of magic. "Who are you?
"I am Epic Thunder, Magician without equal and lone adventurer extraordinaire."
"Uh huh..."
"And I come bearing a warning of doom, doom only we together can prevent!"
"You said that already."
Epic Thunder coughed. "Ahem, we must gather your friends, the Elements of Harmony, that together we might prevent the doom!"
Twilight sighed. "What doom are we talking about here anyway?"
Epic Thunder reared up on his back legs. "There is little time, we must gather the elements, then I will tell you of the doom!"
Twilight stuck her book back into her saddlebag. "All right, I'll bite. Let's go get the others." She shrugged her saddlebags over her back. "Rarity is closest."
As they walked, Epic Thunder kept glancing in Twilight's direction. "What?" she asked after the the sixth time she caught him.
Epic Thunder looked away quickly. "Nothing."
Twilight's eyes narrowed. "You're checking me out aren't you?"
"No! No I'm not!"
"You totally were, you even stopped and checked out my butt for a moment there."
"I did not, I had to tie my shoe."
"You're not wearing shoes."
"I had to take off my shoes."
"You weren't wearing shoes before."
"I... Was considering putting on shoes..."
"Why would you..."
"Oh look, we're here, quickly now we must get Rarity to accompany us, to prevent the doom." Epic Thunder rushed into the store with visible relief.
"Right..."
Rarity was working as they entered. "Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where everything is... Oh it's you Twilight, who's your dark mysterious friend?"
Epic Thunder stepped forward. "I am Epic Thunder, adventurer extraordinaire!
"He apparently brings a warning of doom." Twilight's voice was flat.
"Ah fair Rarity, element of generosity. Your help will be vital to forestal the events which transpire to unfold.”
Both Twilight and Rarity cocked their heads for a moment. "Wait, what?"
Epic Thunder shook his head. "Never mind, we must move quickly to gather the other elements."
Rarity shook her head. "I simply cannot leave my shop and work behind without a more through explanation of what is going on. I have a dress I need to finish today for a very important client, and running off to "Stop the doom" is not going to be a good enough excuse for not completing the job, not for this pony."
"Fine." Epic Thunder heaved a sigh and trotted over to the dress form where Rarity was working on the project. His horn glowed, causing bits of the partly assembled gown to rise and move.
"Now wait just a moment, you cannot simply come in here and pretend like you own the place!" Rarity's angry voice fell on deaf ears as the dark pony worked. "A hem here, cross this... A little more fabric here..."
With blinding speed the dress came together, whipping into shape before the ponies' eyes. "and done! That should satisfy your client, no can we go?"
Rarity walked around the dress, examining every seam and stitch. "That... That's actually quite good." She leveled a glare at Epic Thunder. "Where did you learn how to do that, and so quickly?"
"My mother was the best dressmaker in Canterlot, her designs were renowned throughout the land, and I learned at her knee."
"Really" Rarity gave him a flat glare. "and what was your mother's name?"
Epic Thunder hesitated. "Um... You... wouldn't know her..."
"And why not? I am after all quite familiar with the canterlot fashion scene."
Beads of sweat rolled down Epic Thunder's face. "She, uh... She was too good, so the fashion mafia had her killed, all record of her work was erased."
"The fashion mafia..."
"Horribly tragic, I swore vengeance on the entire fashion industry."
"Really, and how is that working out for you..."
"It's um.... It's on hold. Because I discovered the terrible doom that is nearly on us, and that only we can stop."
Rarity turned to Twilight. "Why are you doing this again?"
Twilight shrugged. "Frankly I'm kind of curious at this point to see where it goes."
Rarity turned back to the dark stallion. "You're not leaving until we come with you, are you?"
"No, I cannot because of the doom."
"Fine..."
Epic Thunder herded the two toward the door. "Excellent, now we must hurry." Rarity went outside, but Twilight paused as he tried to shoo her through the doorway ahead of him. She narrowed her eyes at him meaningfully before proceeding him outside. Halfway through the door she spun her head to look at the stallion, catching him flicking his eyes back up from being fixated on her rump.
Once back outside he hurriedly took the lead, bushing off Twilight's glare. "We'll get Pinkie Pie next. Her element of laughter will be vital in the dark times ahead."
Rarity sighed. "What dark times are those? Would they perchance involve the fashion mafia?"
"Mock my tragic past all you wish, so long as you stay steady in the face of what is to come."
"don't worry, we'll get Pinkie Pie, and she'll throw a HUGE party and make the bad things run away and hide like scardy mcscardypants!" The three ponies slowed their pace and looked to their left, realizing that Pinkie Pie was bouncing along beside them.
Twilight just shook her head. "Pinkie Pie, what are you doing?"
"Going along on your quest to stop the doom! Weren't you paying attention you silly billy?"
"How did you? Never mind..." Twilight veered left. "Now that we've got Pinkie we can go get Fluttershy. and quit checking Rarity out mister, don't think I won't notice!"
"I'm not... I mean We have far more important concerns."
Twilight glared at him as they trotted up towards Fluttershy’s cottage, then suddenly stumbled as the ground dropped instead of rose beneath her hooves. “Gahh, what!?” She quickly regained her balance and found that they were hurrying back towards Ponyville, Fluttershy in tow. Rainbow Dash did a lazy loop overhead and landed to walk alongside Applejack. Stopping in her tracks, Twilight sputtered. “Wait just an apple picking minute, how did you all get here?”
The group stopped and her friends looked at Twilight uncertainly. Rainbow dash chuckled, “Whadda mean Twi? You all came and... got me? I think...?” The cyan pegasus rubbed her head with a hoof. “Weird, I kinda remember you coming to get me, but I kinda don’t. Something about me being busy heading off a big storm from the everfree, but Epic Thunder used his magic to dispel it? That doesn’t sound right, can unicorns do that?”
Epic Thunder’s voice cracked just slightly as he interjected. “Look, I already explained, my father was a pegasus and I retained his weather control abilities in addition to my own magic, now we must hurry to Forstall the doom.”
Twilight’s eye twitched slightly. “I... What? Pony magic doesn’t work that way! You can’t have both unicorn and pegasus powers!.. At least I don’t think so...”
Epic Thunder’s voice was stressed and halting. “You can if... My grandstallion... was the famous pony geneticist... Watson Crick... He... made a potion... and I was born with the powers of both a unicorn and a pegasus!”
Applejack chimed in. “Why not an earth pony?”
“Eh?” Sweat beaded Epic Thunder’s face as he swung toward the orange mare. “What about earth ponies?”
“Well, yer granpa made a potion so you could have all the powers of a unicorn an a pegasus, why not the powers of an earth pony too?”
“Don’t be silly, earth ponies don’t have any cool powers!” Epic Thunder snapped angrily.
“Hey now!” Applejack sputtered angrily as she closed with the dark stranger and fixed him with a glare. “Just because you harvested the whole apple crop an pressed it inta cider in an hour, don’t think you can...” The cowpony blinked and sat back on her haunches. “What the hay!” She pushed her hat back on her head and frowned. “I... You can’t have harvested ma apples, it’s spring time, they aint had time ta grow yet...”
Twilight squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. “That’s right, he couldn’t of, but I remember him doing it...” She shook her head and glared at Epic Thunder, who was sweating quite badly. “What are you playing at mister? What’s you game, some kind of mind control?”
“Nu.. No, that’s not it! I... I...” He suddenly gestured to the sky. “No time to think! The DOOM is on us!”
A dark cloud, black as night, suddenly appeared above them, announcing it’s self with a crack of lighting. Out of it emerged an even blacker winged shape of menace.
Epic Thunder wailed “It’s the return of NIGHTMARE MOOON!!!”
The six ponies stared on in shock as the dark queen of the night landed hard enough to crack the road. “It is I, Nightmare Moon! Tremble before my power!”
Twilight shook her head again. “That’s impossible! We changed Princess Luna back! Nightmare Moon can’t return! Why would she return?!”
Epic Thunder placed himself between the six and Nightmare Moon. “Because she felt alone and unappreciated, same as before.”
“But that makes no sense, she and Celestia made up and they’ve been spending time together, and everybody likes her now! Last Nightmare Night was a huge hit!”
Rainbow Dash chimed in. “Yeah, and ponies are forming clubs to go out and watch the stars she puts on display, it’s huge in Cloudsdale.”
Nightmare Moon looked confused. “They’re right, I have many friends now... Why would I...” she faltered. “It doesn’t make sense...”
Epic Thunder grimaced with effort as if he was casting a spell, though his horn didn’t glow. “It, It was because she can’t stand the attention, she’s sick of it!”
Applejack spoke up. “Well that don’t make a lick of sense! What the hay is goin on here?”
Rainbow Dash held her head in her hooves. “Gahh, it’s like I’m remembering two different... Things at once...” She pounded the ground in frustration. “It’s like when I read Daring Do fanfic and I have to keep it straight from the canon stuff!”
Twilight’s eyes got big. “That’s exactly what it’s like. Fanfiction, bad fanfiction!”
“NO NO NO, THAT’S NOT WHAT IT’S LIKE AT ALL!” Epic Thunder shouted frantically, his eyes rolling in panic.
Twilight nodded. “It all makes sense now. Has anyone noticed what the weather is like, or where we are in Ponyville, or what the other ponies are doing?”
Everyone thought for a moment and looked around. “You can’t recall can you? That’s because he hasn’t bothered to describe it, he’s too lazy and rushed.” She turned on Epic Thunder. “You didn’t even plot this out did you, you just sat down and started writing, with your stupid OC as the hero, and expected everything to work out.” She snorted as the dark stallion withered under her gaze. “Nightmare Moon... We’ve got three other major villains, a bunch of wildlife, and a gate to Tartarus nearby, and the best you can do is Nightmare Moon. Luna, change back, you don’t have to listen to this schmuck anymore, none of us need to.”
Nightmare Moon shrank back into Luna, who walked forward to join the six in surrounding Epic Thunder, who was curled into a miserable looking lump on the ground. “What is he, some sort of god?”
Twilight shook her head. “I don’t think so, I think he’s just a normal guy who can... Influence us through telling a story. Like he’s in another reality that’s layered onto ours somehow, and he can poke through? I don’t know, all I know is that he reminds me exactly of some of the bad fanfics I’ve read, a main character with no flaws and a backstory that allows them to outdo everybody else in everything, who everybody follows and likes just because.”
Rarity wrinkled her eyebrow. “But we didn’t like him, we followed him, but we didn’t like him, in fact you were quite annoyed the whole time.”
“Maybe... Maybe... I don’t think he even set up any reason at all for us to like him, none, so we didn’t. He just planned to have us do things even if it didn’t make sense. He’s a REALLY bad writer I guess.” Epic Thunder’s saddlebag had fallen open, and now Twilight used a flick of magic to pull a book out. “NO, that’s private!” Epic Thunder tried to lunge and get the book back, but Luna stopped him cold with a hoof to the face.
Twilight flipped the heavy tome open. “Tantric friendship magic? Wha... GHAAA!” Whatever she saw as she flipped the page, it was lost to history as she zapped the book to ashes with her horn. A second later she was in Epic Thunder’s face, nostrils flaring in rage. “GET. OUT. OF. MY. REALITY. MISTER.”
Epic Thunder shrank back, then he begin to actually shrink, whimpering as he became thinner and more translucent, before vanishing altogether with a slight pop.
Everyone shook themselves, like they had just emerged from a bath. Rainbow was the first to speak. “Weird huh? Do ya think he’ll be back?’
Twilight shrugged. “I don’t know, I hope not.”
“Very smart of you darling, to pull that thought of bad fiction out of nowhere like that.” Rarity smiled.
Luna nodded. “Indeed Twilight Sparkle, very clever I must say.”
Rainbow did a casual loop over the group. “Yeah, everything wrapped up nice and quick.” She grinned. “Kinda like somebody hit the minimum word limit for a story.” She frowned suddenly. “Why the heck did I say that?”
Twilight suddenly glared off into the sky. “YOU! YEAH YOU! GTFO NOW! LEAVE US ALONE!”
The End.
Epilogue.
“Who’re Ya talking ta Twilight? Applejack craned her neck to look where Twilight glared. Twilight relaxed. “Nobody, it’s over. Let’s go home.”
Rainbow Dash looked up into the sky, then shook her head. “I could use some lunch.”
“Splendid idea dear.” Rarity flipped her hair back. “There’s a new place near the Boutique, their all you can eat salad buffet is to die for, and they give free refills on iced tea!”
“Sounds good ta me, lets head em out an move em out!”
“I shall accompany you Twilight Sparkle, I wish to try this “Buffet” of the “all you can eat””
The group trotted off, leaving Fluttershy sitting. “I’m just going to go home, Angel Bunny needs me...” If the other ponies heard her, they gave no sign.
She wandered toward her house, which was right nearby as they had just been coming from it. Angel Bunny was waiting by the door, and Fluttershy sighed as she walked up. “You were right Angel, Epic Thunder was too unrealistic, and I need to spend more time on motivation...”
The door closed behind them as she headed back to her typerwriter. “Yes, I’ll leave out the tantric magic too...”
Fin
Or is is?
Yes, yes it is, for real this time.
You sure?
Yes.
Cause the last couple of times it’s just kind of kept going...
I’m sure, it’s over.
OK.
All right.
All over.
Yup.
Alllll Over....
You know that twist at the end with Fluttershy made no sense, right?
Quiet, you.
Just sayin’...
Author's Note
I had this idea awhile ago, to do a little story in which a bad fanfic writer's OC is revealed for what he is. Hope I don't offend any pony. :)