TD's Little Rarity

Chapters

The Arrival of The Box
The Elder Swear
Adjusting
Football is Fun, but Then it Goes Really, Really, REALLY Wrong
Oh You Have Got to be Fortuitously Kidding Me
Screw the Universe, I'm Going to Say That It Can't Get Any Worse
Government Jokes Because We Can't Always Help It
An Unexpected Occurrence
A Day of Pony
It's About Time!
Royalty, Revenge, and Wingboners
Epilogue: Well... I'm Back
I Can Send You Home
Admittedly, This Was Inevitable

The Arrival of The Box

Cow smell. Yep there it is. I'm definitely home.

As I open my eyes, a bright light shines and I put my hand in front of my face to shield it.

"You okay, buddy?" asks a voice nearby. A human voice.

I slowly sit up. "What happened?" I mumble.

I turn my head to the left to see a group of college students huddles around me. They've pulled me off of the street and are looking really worried.

"You got hit by a car," says one of them. "Some bozo ran a red light and almost made a hood ornament out of you. You were only out for a few seconds but campus security called an ambulance just to be safe."

I groggily nod and look at the car. There isn't a large dent on the hood, as much as I would just love putting one there, and there is an obviously drunk student getting questioned by the police nearby. I scoff and shake my head. "What a day," I mumble.

"Is there anybody you want us to call for you?" asks one of the students.

I rub my temples and shake my head. "I'll be okay, I think."

Yeah, it's been a while since I've thought that, but now... I think I'll be okay.

* * * *

one year later

I stretch as I recline on the couch in my room. While it isn't the best as couches go, it's comfortable enough that I can relax on it without needing a back rub afterwards. Having said that, a back rub is always nice.

A year. I've been outta Equestria for a solid year and everything has changed for me.

It turns out that I was missing for two months here on Earth. That was kind of awkward, not being able to explain to my parents where I was, but after a bunch of tests the doctors and psychologists said that I was in perfect health so the suggested that I try to go back to my previous life.

With pleasure.

I quit my job at the University Center not long after school ended for the year. I had applied for a position as a Resident Assistant at my school and that would be taking up my time so no more washing dishes. It also meant that I got a room entirely to myself. I didn't have any more roommates to worry about. No, instead I had to deal with things like roommate conflicts and writing incident reports and calling the school cops whenever I smelled pot in somebody's room. Thankfully none of that had happened yet as it was the beginning of the year for me, but I knew it was coming. Still, it was better than being in Equestria.

Speaking of that, it was much easier to tolerate my Brony roommate after I returned. He would talk about Pinkie Pie and the latest FlutterMac fanfic he read and why it was the one true pairing or something like that. I do have to say that his Pinkie Pie doll freaked me out sometimes when I woke up in the middle of the night and was reminded of all of the times something like that happened to me, but with the real Pinkie Pie. Disturbingly often, let me tell you.

Well the year ended, as all years do, and as a parting gift I got him a Fluttershy action figure thingie, you know because why not? To the very end he insisted that if I just gave the show another chance then I'd grow to love it as he did.

Not for all of the tea in China, Britain, and Uzbekistan. I spent two months trying to get away from that place; I'm not going to immerse myself in it now. There'd be no point and I'd just wake up disturbed. Trust me, I know how these ponies act better than anybody on the planet, Lauren Faust and the team behind the show included, and I didn't need to watch the show. I'd lived it for longer than anybody should have to unless they want to. I know my roommate would have killed to trade places with me and I would have let him.

But you know what? After a short time I realized that it was time to move on. Yep, I'd been to Equestria and lived there for two months. Yes, I'd learned a lot from it and would never go back. No, I am not a Brony.

But I'm back on Earth in the here and the now. I don't need to keep focusing on that because it's not focusing on me. Nobody in Equestria is here on Earth looking for me. Wouldn't that be terrifying if there were somebody from Equestria here? I have no idea what I'd do.

But that wasn't happening now. I had new responsibilities, new classes, new ideas for my life and I wasn't about to give all that up to brood with my thoughts. Sure I remembered some aspects of my time there fondly, but it was time to move on.

It was probably time to move on a little while ago but hey, you do what you can.

I yawn and scratch the back of my head. A quick glance at my watch tells me that it's just about time for my floor meeting. You know, the one where I tell them what's going on, I introduce myself, and explain a few rules as well as try to get to know them a bit better.

I push myself off of the couch and put on my Canada hat that my sister got for me last Christmas. It's my favorite one; I wear it all the time. Not to mention the fact that it covers up my hair when it gets really messy, which is more frequently than I'd like to admit.

I walk into the lounge on my floor and almost take an uneasy step back at the sight of thirty college freshmen taking to each other, waiting for me to get there so they can go back to whatever it is they were doing before I called the meeting. I briefly recall the first time I saw Cheerilee's class back in Equestria. I doubt that these people will be as well behaved, though I doubt that any will call me a blank flank.

With college kids you never really do know, do you?

I don't recognize any of them so it'll be starting fresh for me with these new faces.

At least, that's what I think until I see a familiar face. My old roommate has found his way onto my floor.

I raise my eyebrow and check the roster I've been given. Yep, there is his name right where it should be if he was living on my floor which he is. Maybe I'm going to hear about more pony when I'm here.

Well, that isn't important to me right now. What’s important is that I get my floor meeting going. I can deal with Ben and his pony antics when I get to that bridge.

* * * *

The floor meeting goes well enough. Ben was surprised to see me as his RA he thought it was cool all the same. I already have a sense of what my residents are going to be like. They're a relatively well behaved bunch for the most part, if a bit rambunctious. I might have to fill out an incident report involving alcohol once and loud music way more often than that, but on the whole I think this'll be a pretty fun year for me.

Well the residents all go back to their rooms or to the dining hall, which has recently opened for dinner, and I decide to head back to my room. I need to get a bit of work done on my computer before class tomorrow so I might as well start on it now. If I get hungry then I can head over to the dining hall for some takeout.

I swipe my card and punch in my security code allowing me access into my room. I open the door and walk inside only to be stopped in my tracks by something that wasn't in there before.

A box.

I frown. Nobody can get in here except me. I'm the only one with access unless somebody used the master card to get in. Even in that instance I would have noticed since my room is right next to the lounge where I had the meeting.

I close the door behind me and walk up to the box, my frown still prevalent on my face. Part of me wonders whether or not I should call the bomb squad on this. I mean, it could be something really dangerous.

Did I mention that I'm kind of stupid when I'm curious? 'cause I totally am.

As I approach the box, I notice that it has a sticky note on the side. I reach my hand out and take the sticky note off of the box.

'She needs help. Please take care of her.'

Okay, now I'm officially nervous. Is there something alive in there? We're not allowed to have any pets in the room aside from fish so unless this box holds a big fish, then I can't have it in the dorm. Still, I might as well see what's inside before I actually go to open it. I mean, I can't react to the box unless I know what's in it.

Slowly I walk up to the box and look down at it. It's sealed with packing tape that I use my card to break. There are a few air holes in the top of the box, which does nothing to make me less nervous, and I poke my finger through them to widen them a tad.

With that, I grab the ends of both flaps and open the box.

Inside the box is somebody all too familiar to me. The white body, the curled purple mane and tail, the distinct ponyishness of her leaves no doubt in my mind as to who this is. She's a lot smaller, and therefore younger, than I remember her; but this is undoubtedly the same pony.

Rarity.

Inside the box is a sleeping filly Rarity.

Author's Note

There you have it. Wanderings Chapter 4 should come any hour now so don't worry that I'm procrastinating on that one.

The Elder Swear

Cue the Elder Swear. Well, that's what I almost spouted off anyways. Every last word of it.

Filly Rarity was in a box on my coffee table.

Filly. Rarity. Box. Coffee table. Earth. ME!!!

Filly+Rarity+Box+my coffee table+Earth+I haven't even been back a year and now the tables have turned+I have no idea what's going on=HOLY COW I'M SCREWED!!!

Correct me if I did the math wrong somewhere.

In my shock I had backed away from the box, but now that my mind has begun to process what I am seeing in front of me, I uneasily walk up to it again and look inside.

Yep, time and a lack of eye contact haven't changed a thing. Filly Rarity is still in that box. Okay, I was lying when I said that nothing has changed. She's awake now. Awake and looking up at me with those wide, innocent blue eyes that I came to know all too well over the course of my two months in Equestria.

"Oh this isn't happening," I moan quietly. "You can't be here now."

Rarity cocks her head and stands up. She looks uneasily around the box, almost as if her container is completely foreign to her. It seems like she expected to wake up in somewhere not a box on Earth.

She stands up on her hind legs and balances herself on the edge of the box with her forelegs and continues looking at me with that wide-eyed stare she's had this entire time. She seems to be just as surprised to see me as I am to see her. Does that mean that she remembers me?

I take a deep breath. "Hi, Rarity. Do you remember me?" I ask slowly. "It's me, TD. You know, the guy Celestia brought to Equestria."

She continues fixing me with that stare, but there is a hint of uncertainty behind it now. She doesn't appear to comprehend anything I'm saying.

"Do you talk at all?" I ask.

She replies with the same expression. Dang it, I guess that means no.

I sigh and sit down on my armchair. I put my head in my hands and rub my temples like I haven't done since Equestria. Rarity maneuvers in her box so she's still on her hind legs but facing me again. She's looking at me confusedly I imagine. Well, she isn't alone; I have just about as much clue of what's going on as she does. Heck, she may have a little more. I know that neither of us have the next clue about what to do about it.

"Why me?" I mumble into my hands. "What sin against God or man did I commit that would justify this kind of thing happening to me?"

I feel something poke my forearm and I flinch back in time to see Rarity do the same thing. I suppose that she tried to nuzzle me or something. Well, either that or she just tried to get my attention. With Rarity either one is possible.

I lean back in my armchair and sigh once more. Filly Rarity is in a box on my coffee table. Wow. This I was not expecting. I don't know how many ways I can express that, but my mind keeps on telling me what I already know if it expects me to act on the matter in a rational and intelligent way.

Not. Happening. I don't know of a good way I could handle this anyway.

Rarity is off of her hind legs now and is sitting on her haunches in the box. I know this because I see the crown of her head, complete with horn and mane, poking up from inside the box. A Brony would undoubtedly find that cute and I suppose it was, but cute was the very last thing on my mind right now.

She starts poking the side of the box with her muzzle which I take to mean that she wants out of the box. Sighing, I stand up and grab her under her stomach and pick her up out of the box. She whimpers in fear when she's in the air, but once she is on the floor she seems much calmer. She sits back down on her haunches and resumes her wide eyed staring once again.

I shake my head and chuckle in a manner that indicated I was anything but amused by this whole affair. "So, I don't suppose you have any ideas about... anything about this, do you?"

Communication is a lost cause it seems. Nothing I'm saying seems to register with her at all which wasn't surprising. I'm literally talking to a... I think seven year old. She isn't old enough to have her cutie mark yet but...

Wait, seven? Most seven year olds I know can talk. Heck, the Crusaders were only eight or nine and they chattered away like a tree full of coked up parrots! Frowning, I kneel down closer to her. "You can talk, can't you? You just don't because you're scared out of your mind am I right?"

Rarity's eyes shifted nervously from left to right and her left hoof slowly came up as if she was considering running backwards. After a few seconds she opened her mouth. "Well, I suppose there is the possibility of that," she squeaks. Hmm. In keeping with her age, her voice is higher and more childlike than it was when I knew her.

For the first time, a smile spreads across my face. Maybe this won't be as... ah ah ah. I almost said it but I didn't so it doesn't count like with the Cake Twins. The universe surely isn't... yeesh, I almost did it again.

I clear my throat and take a deep breath. "So, do you know what you're doing here?" I ask.

She shakes her head. "I was more, um, well I was more hoping you knew more about that," she says.

I shrug. "Nope, I am just as clueless as you are."

Rarity frowns and taps her chin with her hoof. "Well it would seem--"

She is cut off by a loud knock on the door. I freeze for a moment before I quickly pick her up and take her to my room. "Hide in here until I'm done, okay?" I whisper. She nods and I shut the door to my bedroom behind me as I leave.

As nonchalantly as I can, I open the door to my room and to my surprise, though I really shouldn't have been, I see my ex-roommate standing behind the door.

"Uh, hi, Ben," I say casually. "What's up?"

Ben grins at me and looks behind my shoulder in the room. "I just wanted to say hi and to see how you were doing."

"Uh, I'm fine," I respond. I frown as he looks behind my shoulder once more. "Uh, is there something odd about my room?" I ask.

His eyes snap back to mine and he shakes his head. "No... it's just... well, I thought I heard voices coming from inside your room. Familiar voices."

My left eye twitches which is thankfully unnoticeable to my roommate. I can't help but wonder by his comment that he knows. There is also the fact that, as a Brony, he would know darned well what Rarity sounds like; even as a filly. That isn't good.

I do my best to keep my calm, though. "Uh, I don't know what you're talking about," I respond. "And it wouldn't really be any of your business if there were people in my room."

Ben laughs and shakes his head. "Oh, I don't think there are people in your room. I think there are ponies in your room."

I almost squeak audibly at that statement but I once again keep my cool. "P-Ponies?" I ask, a little more shakily than I intended.

Ben nods as if I'm a bug he has trapped in his web. "Yes, ponies." His grin widens. "In fact, I heard Rarity to be more specific. Although, if one wanted to get even more specific, then filly Rarity from the Cutie Mark Chronicles."

"Y...You don't say?"

"I do say," he says. Good grief, it's like we're playing poker and he knows I have a pair of nines to his royal straight flush but I'm bluffing away anyway. "Might there be a reason that I heard filly Rarity in your room?"

"You're delusional?" I offer.

Ben chuckles and shakes his head. "Nooooooooo." His eyes flicker to my room again. "No I think I did hear Rarity in there."

"No you didn't," I say flatly.

"Yes I did," he retorts. "And do you want to know why I heard filly Rarity in your room?"

Not really.

"Not really," I say.

Ben laughs. "I know what happened," he says. "You cannot hide it from me. We Bronies know these things."

What are Bronies bitten by radioactive ponies and that gives them super-Brony sense? It wouldn't be the oddest thing about them.

"Ben I--"

"YOU JOINED THE HERD!!!!" he practically shouts. "You're a Brony!!"

My jaw is practically on the floor. So he didn't hear Rarity, he just thinks... oh.

Oh.

I pick my jaw up off of the floor and decide to play along. If it will get him to go away faster, then I can get back to my purple maned problem in my bedroom.

I clear my throat and offer my weakest smile. "You got me," I say. "I'm a Brony."

Gosh darn it why does that sound so wrong coming out of my mouth? It's like I'm using heavy profanity.

"This is awesome!" he squeals. "I told you. I tooooold you it was going to happen!"

He obnoxiously points his fingers in my face at 'told you' but it doesn't visibly faze me. If he gets it out of his system now...

"Yes, Ben. You did tell me that it was going to happen."

He gasps and turns his gaze back to me. "Who's your favorite pony?"

I almost slammed the door on him there but that would have been... well, rude from where he was standing and suspicious from where I was. "Uh, Rarity," I say without thinking.

"Ooh, you like the beautiful fashionista?" he says. "Nice. I'm more of a Pinkie Pie and Twilight guy myself."

"I remember that," I say. "You had the dolls--"

"Plushies," he corrects.

"Right, those."

Looking back on those plushies, they really got Twilight's flank size wrong or at least, I imagine that she would say so. Probably Rarity too now that I think on it.

"So, Celestia or Luna?" he asks.

"Luna," I say without a moment’s hesitation. Luna didn't suck me into Equestria.

Ben looks at me with a nod of approval. "Good choice. I always thought that she was the more complex and interesting of the two, what with her road to redemption and all."

"Yeah her Nightmare Moon stuff was interesting," I concede. "But..." I glance back into my room. "I do have to get some homework done so if you'll excuse me."

Ben raises his hands and nods his head. "Say no more, TD ex-roommate of mine. I have work of my own to attend to." He is about to go but he stops in his tracks. "Oh, we should totally get together to watch Season Three sometime. That is, if you aren't caught up yet."

"Oh I think I almost am," I say.

"Cool," he replies. "Aren't the crystal ponies something else?"

I nod but that is one of the few things that I have no idea about, actually. Twilight mentioned a few things about them, but nothing concrete that I would remember, at least in the context of the show.

With a final goodbye, Ben leaves to the dark recesses of his own room. I can only pity the poor soul he has been given as a roommate sacrifice. My guess is is that it's his goal to convert the whole floor by the end of the semester and the whole hall by the end of the year. If what I know about Bronies is true, he might get more than a few converts.

I sigh and close my door.

Wow, that was an interesting conversation. Not only did I swear my allegiance to the herd, but I had a brief conversation with my Brony roommate that, ironically enough, I was more knowledgeable about than he was until the crystal ponies came into play. I mean, I've freaking met/lived near/been set on fire by all of those ponies he knows and loves. I've played hide and go seek tag with the Cutie Mark Crusaders for goodness sakes!

Oh, and I have a filly Rarity in my room. Goodie.

I open the door to my bedroom and am pleased to see that Rarity is inside, sitting quietly on my bed.

Wait... something's off.

I open the door completely and to my shock, the entire room is absolutely spotless. I mean, wow, she went all out on making sure this place looks clean. My floors are spotless, my junk container is organized, my trash has been thrown away, and even my bed has been made! My movie collection (which I majorly expanded over the past year) has been alphabetized for goodness sakes!

I have to pick my jaw up off of the floor once more. "Y-You did all of this?" I ask.

Rarity smiles and nods her head. "I thought it would make you happy!" she says gleefully.

I put a hand over my mouth and lean against the door jamb. "Well, I'm certainly surprised, that's for sure." I tap my cheek with my forefinger. "And this was just to make me happy and not also an attempt to make it so that you didn't have to live somewhere so filthy, right?"

Her smile falters slightly and her ears droop for a moment. "Well... there might have been that too. I thought it would look nice and easier on the eyes."

"Well, I'll concede that it does," I say.

Rarity's smile returns full force and she begins looking around the room some more. "Well, I do wish that I had the opportunity to do more," she says thoughtfully. "Those ghastly gray curtains you have could be replaced with something a little better, perhaps a nice rich blue to match your bedspread?"

"The curtains came with the room. I couldn't change them if I wanted to."

Rarity frowns and looks down at the bed sheets. "Well then I suppose I could change the bed sheets instead to something a little more matching of your curtains. Although, it's much easier to match something to blue than it is to tan."

"The bed sheets have to stay too," I retort. "You can never go wrong with Bronco colors."

Rarity's eyebrow rises. "Oh really? Are there horses here with these vivid colors?"

I shake my head. "Nope, it's a sports team," I explain. "But we can discuss my room a little later."

I motion for her to scoot over so I can sit down next to her on the bed. She nods and complies and I place my pillow on the back wall and use it as a backrest.

"So, you don't know how you got here?" I ask.

Her ears flatten and she shakes her head. "No."

"What's the last thing you do remember?"

She shrugs. "I don't know," she says. "All I really know is that my name is Rarity and that I really love fashion. I'm a unicorn pony but I don't really know any spells beyond levitation. I have heard enough to gather that this isn't the world I was born in."

I shake my head. "Nope. Not even close."

Rarity cocks her head. "Although, and I may be incorrect in my guess, it seems that you have been where I am from, haven't you? Equestria you called it?"

I nod. "But really that's another story for another time. Suffice to say, my situation was the opposite of yours except that I was my age when I came to Equestria."

"I see," said Rarity. "Well if you're back here then I'll hazard a guess that you know how to travel between the two?"

I shake my head. "Nope. It was a mistake that I went and a miracle that I managed to come back. I don't know any magic and neither does anybody else so a rescue is going to have to come from the Equestrian end."

Rarity's ears droop even more and she looks down at the sheets. "Oh," she mutters. Her head perks up after a minute. "Does that mean that I will be under your care until that happens? I mean, you seem to want to keep me hidden if your talk with that gentlecolt at the door was any indication so I don't see another way for me to stay safe and healthy unless you are the one to take care of me. I know I can't do it alone."

Even though she's younger, she still talks just like Rarity. She uses fewer big words, but that's her alright.

I can't argue with the fact that there is truth to her words. I mean, I certainly don't want her wandering around Earth. I don't know what my family would think of this. I can't exactly waltz home with Rarity by my side and say 'hey, mom and dad, I brought home a character from a little girl's show. She's real and I've been breaking all the rules at school be keeping her in my room for the past few months!'

Yeah, I might as well tell them about my two months in Equestria. Though, given that I'd have Rarity right there, they might be a little more inclined to believe me. Come to think of it, I did still have that staff from the Canterlot vendor leaning against a wall in my room. Eh, but I could have had somebody make that.

At any rate, it seems that Rarity is right. I sigh and nod. "Yeah, I guess so. But I'm going to have to lay down a very strict set of rules so that I can keep you safe. I don't know what everybody would do if they found out about you so we gotta keep this on the DL, got it?"

Rarity cocks her head. "DL?"

"Down Low," I explain.

"Ah, I see," she says. "Yes, I quite agree that we need to keep this on the... er, 'DL'.

Good, at least she's being receptive to that. Having said that, it’s not like I have any rules planned aside from 'don't leave the room for any reason' but that is a good one to start with.

Rarity and I simultaneously sigh as the gravity of our situation hits us. We make eye contact and exchange the exact same look, each knowing that we don't need to say the truth to the other.

This isn't going to be easy.

Adjusting

As with any time when a pony from another dimension that you just escaped from appears in your room in filly form, an adjustment period is required before the two of you settle into something resembling a routine. Rarity and I was no exception, though it had probably only happened to one or two other people in the history of time.

I wake up the morning after her arrival stretched out on my couch. Yes, Rarity had asked if she might possibly have my bed for the night to see if she liked it and I hadn't had the heart nor mental capacity to refuse. She promised that she would sleep on either the couch or my chair the next night just so she could find out which one she liked the best. I would argue, but it wouldn't be worth it and I hardly want to cause a ruckus.

I yawn and glance at my watch, an action that causes me to bolt up and run towards my room. Class starts in fifteen minutes.

Now, my class is only three or so minutes away by scooter so that isn't an issue, but there is still the fact that Rarity is in my room and I need to change my clothes before I head out. I have to skip my shower unfortunately and--dang it, she's figured out how to lock the door.

My hand grasps the door handle and I pull it down to gain entry to my room, but it stops halfway. "Rarity, Rarity unlock the door!"

"Mgphma?" says a tired voice behind the door.

"Rarity, wake up and unlock the door, I have to get ready for class!"

"Oh... yes of course, give me a moment and I'll make myself presentable. Do you have a manebrush in here?"

"M-Manebrush?" I stutter. "No! I have to get ready for class! I have a comb on the counter out here."

"A comb? Oh please tell me you have something better than that," says Rarity. "I need to make my mane presentable, it's a bedheaded disaster."

"Rarity, anything you need to fix your mane is out here. I don't have anything better than a comb so you'll have to make do right now. I need to change my clothes so that I can go to class, not to mention the fact that my scooter and backpack are in there!"

Rarity sighs. "Very well, I suppose that I can make do with the comb and any hairsprays you have." The door unlocks and I rush inside. "Can you show me anything like that that you may have?"

"Just the comb," I say, putting on another shirt. I glance at my watch again and groan. It starts in ten minutes. I shut the door and finish changing clothes before throwing my backpack over my shoulder. I open the door to see that Rarity is doing her best to comb her mane with my comb; something that her irate expression tells me isn't going well for her. I doubt that she'll be able to get those curls at any rate.

"Okay I'm headed out. I'll be back in an hour and we can talk about this more then. Whatever you do don't leave the room or make noise that would indicate that you're in here," I say.

Rarity waves her hoof at me. "Yes, yes, father. I'll be quiet. What do you suggest I do to occupy my time until your return?"

"There are a few Calvin and Hobbes books in my room. It should take you about an hour to read one of the larger treasuries."

Rarity nods and trots back into my room and I bolt out the door. I realize that I've forgotten my scooter but I have enough time that merely walking quickly will still ensure that I am on time. It is a nippy day on campus and the smell of cows is pretty subdued so that's always a plus. I'm not going to be outside long enough that the fact that I neglected to put a hoodie on will be that much of an issue. I've lived in Colorado my whole life. I can deal with 45 degree weather for a few minutes. Besides, it'll probably be 70 by noon.

I reach my class just in time. I see my teacher in the hallway coming the opposite direction with her class materials in her arm. I hold the door open for her and that gets me a nod of thanks. Nothing wrong with making the teacher like you that much more. Trust me, when a teacher knows and likes you, they are roughly 400% more likely to forgive little things like missing a class or being an hour late when your alarm clock doesn't go off. When they know you're really a diligent student who actually does their work and participates, then they know that life happened (as it so often does) and they'll forgive you for it.

Trust me, remember that.

Preachiness aside, I take my place at my table and pull out a notebook and a pen. I am ready to begin the day.

The lecture today is on how best to teach children creative writing and what benefits that has in your classroom. It isn't too complicated, but my teacher does manage to make it fairly interesting. Still, I can't help but glance at my watch every five minutes. Class is interesting, but if it's between that and going back to bed, as I plan to do once this is over or normally would have were it not for Rarity, I'd pick bedtime for TD.

The class goes on as it normally does. I'm taking notes, the teacher is lecturing, and I'm glancing at my watch. There are only about twenty minutes left in the class and--

"Wait, did she call me father?"

The entire classroom is silent. They were while the teacher was lecturing, but you can tell that this silence is different than the one that comes with twenty-five college students zoning out and taking notes. Even the teacher has stopped talking and is giving me a quizzical look.

Did I seriously just say that out loud?

I nervously chuckle. "S-Sorry everybody. Don't mind me I don't know what I'm talking about."

There's that grace under pressure that got me so far in Ponyville. I can't even imagine what goes through the minds of twenty-five college students when one of their own blurts 'wait, did she call me father' in the middle of class with what appears to be the utmost seriousness. Nothing good I imagine.

"Is something wrong, TD?" my teacher asks.

I chuckle again and shake my head. "Nope, nothing at all. Just forget about it. I'm sorry for being disruptive. You were saying something about creative writing and getting the brain going?"

My teacher's quizzical look fades slightly and with a shrug, she turns back to the board and continues on with her lesson.

Man, let's not do something like that again, shall we?

* * * *

I enter my room after another forty-five minutes or so to find Rarity reclining on my couch and leafing through a Calvin and Hobbes book with a look of utter bewilderment on her face. I set the two boxes of food I picked up from the dining hall down and walk up to her. "How is it?" I ask her.

She takes a deep breath and uses her magic to flip to another page. "I'm not quite sure," she asks. "What exactly is the point of these stories?"

"They're meant to be funny," I explain. "Some of the humor is pretty basic. I thought they were hysterical when I was your age for some of the simpler strips but now that I'm older I find a lot of the observational humor pretty funny too while still loving the other ones."

"Indeed?" she says. "I don't understand them well enough, I suppose. Why would the tiger attack the boy every day when he comes home from school to the point where he is battered and bruised if they're best friends? Is that an Earth custom?"

I sit down in the chair opposite her. "No, he's just excited to see him and that's how he shows it since he's a tiger."

"I see," says Rarity. She shrugs and uses her magic to shut the book. Her eyes trail over to the boxes I brought in. "Might that be food, father?" she asks.

I nod. "Yeah, I got a little bit of everything on the second one because I wasn't quite sure what you like." I take my backpack down and lean it against the chair. "But I did want to talk to you about that," I say. "What's with this 'father' business?"

Rarity cocks her head. "Well, you haven't given me your name yet and since you're the one taking care of me, I figured that I might as well call you father."

"My name is TD," I say. "I'd prefer that."

Rarity shrugs. "Well I suppose that I can try to call you that but really, 'father' rolls off the tongue better and it's the role you're fulfilling anyway."

"Except that I--" I pause. Rarity is only seven or so. I'd say it to the older one but not here. "Never mind," I finish lamely.

Rarity raises an eyebrow but she doesn't pursue the matter any further. She shakily levitates the two boxes of food over to her and I deal with the cups of water. I clear off the table in front of us and move the chair so it's in front of the table. Rarity puts the boxes on the table and I grab and open up the first one. Fruits and veggies. "This one's yours," I say. "Let me know what you like and I'll get it for you going forward."

She nods and I hand the box over to her. I flip open the second box and dig into the hamburger and burrito contents. Rarity might not eat meat, but that's not going to stop me from doing it. I went without red meat for an entire two months in Equestria. I'm not stopping just because one of its inhabitants is sitting across from me and it's my job to raise her until...

It's my job to raise her.

Ug, that thought hadn't really registered with me until right now. I put the cheeseburger back in the box and put my head in my hand. The implications of the fact that she's right, I am going to have to be the father figure for her until somebody on the other end can figure all of this out.

Son of a gun. This isn't going to be fun for me, is it?

Rarity looks up from nibbling tentatively on an orange slice and frowns at me. "Is something the matter, father?"

There's that basically correct word again.

No, focus, TD. If you go into mild shock every time she says it you're going to be unable to function as a human being until this ends.

I take a deep breath and smile weakly at her. "No, I'm just a little tired is all," I say. I pick up my cheeseburger and take a big bite out of it.

Rarity's frown doesn't go away as she observes what I'm eating. "What is that?" she asks. "You're not eating anything that I am."

I swallow my bite. "It's a cheeseburger. You wouldn't like it; it's made of meat." Wonderful, juicy, delicious meat.

"Meat?" she asks. "As in, other sentient creatures?"

"Correct right up to the sentient part," I say. "Our farm animals don't talk and a fair few of them aren't particularly intelligent." I've heard that pigs are pretty smart, though. But bacon. Sorry, pigs. "I don't think that your body is designed to eat meat," I continue on.

"And yours is?" she asks. I smile and flash my canines. She shudders and returns to her apples. "I'm not sure how I feel about that."

I shrug. "I don't eat ponies nor does anybody I know if that's any consolation."

"A bit," she says.

The next few minutes of our meal continue in silence. Since meat is so awesome I'm done long before she is. She seems to enjoy the apples, no surprise there, and a few of the vegetables are quickly devoured as well. She doesn't think too much of the oranges as the sole slice she tried is lying forgotten on the top flap of the box. Okay, that's good to know.

I take a deep breath and throw the empty box of my food away. "So, I guess we should figure out how this works beyond you not leaving the room," I say.

"That might be best," agrees Rarity before taking a bite out of a carrot.

"Okay, I know you've only been here for less than twenty-four hours, but what are some things that you need?" I ask. "You would know better than I would about how this is going to be best for you."

Rarity finishes off the carrot before answering. "Well, it seems that what would be best is something to occupy my time; something that would give me meaning rather than pointless distractions like that." She motions to the Calvin and Hobbes book. "Aspects of it were amusing enough, but give me a week of that and I'll go mad."

"Fair enough," I say. "And what do you think that would be?"

Rarity shrugs. "I'm not entirely sure. I know that I really like fashion, but I don't suppose you have access to good dressmaking materials here."

I shake my head. "And I'm not entirely sure where I could get them or even what we'd do with them if you did make them."

"Pity," Rarity mumbles. She sighs and looks through the rest of the items in her box before shaking her head and pushing it away. I pick it up and examine what she didn't like for future reference. "It seems to me that I'm going to be here for a while. It could be anywhere between an hour and the rest of my life and we need to do something about that. You have a family I presume?"

I nod. "Yeah and this isn't my house. I just live here while I go to school; I go back to my parent's house during breaks."

"And I don't imagine that you can just leave me here while you do that."

"I wouldn't want to try leaving you here for up to three months, no," I say.

"How much time do we have before your next break?" she asks.

I glance at my watch to check the date. "About five months but I can't avoid my family until then either. My sister is up here too."

"That does seem to be a problem," she says. "But I just hid in your room while you had that other colt over; maybe I could just do that?"

I flip the box open and begin helping myself to the oranges that Rarity didn't eat. "Possibly but I wouldn't count on that working every time. At some point somebody is going to see my room. I don't count on you hiding in the bathroom either because somebody is going to have to use that at some point."

"Well... this may be crazy, but why can't you just be open to the other humans around here about me? Why is it necessary that I hide?"

I am silent for a minute or so while I ponder the question. Truthfully there is only one real reason why. I tell Rarity to wait for a moment while I get my laptop. "It's better just to show you," I say.

I retrieve my laptop from my room and power it up. Rarity looks at it curiously but I ignore her while I power up the internet. My destination? Youtube. The reason is there.

When I find what I'm looking for, I walk over to the couch and turn my computer so we can both look at it.

Then I hit play.

My Little Pony Season 2 Episode 9 opens with a cold opening of Princess Celestia and Rarity walking into an opulent room in Canterlot Castle.

Rarity. Rarity is in that shot.

She's seen herself in a mirror here, she knows what she looks like and it doesn't take Twilight's brains to figure out that the Rarity she sees before her is an adult version of her. Her expression is unsettlingly neutral as she watches on. I can tell that she's trying to process what she's seeing, but isn't quite sure how. I can hardly blame her, I don't know what I would do if I found out I was fictional and that thousands of people knew all about my life and some of the wackier things about it. I'd probably be pretty pissed actually but it's hard to say.

Rarity for her part still has that blank expression on her face as I pause the video. "So basically, you're a character in this TV show on our world called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Not only that, but you're one of the main characters. If I took you outside right now, then a ton of people would know who you are within seconds. I hate to put it like this, but a lot of them know more about you than you do right now."

"I see," she says quietly as she continues to process this with her seven year old brain. I have to second guess whether or not this was the right choice but it's too late now.

"That guy who was here, he's what's known as a Brony, that is to say, a fan of the show. If he caught even a glimpse of you he'd know instantly who you are. He wouldn't leave you alone and he couldn't keep it to himself either. I know he has Brony friends whom he would tell and they would tell their friends and eventually a ton of people know that one of their favorite characters exists in our world. You'd never get a moment to yourself."

I sigh and run a hand through my hair. I decide to leave out the part where the government potentially takes her away. If nothing else they'd like to see how they can use her magic to expand out scientific horizons, maybe even use it for weapons. I don't know, I'm just a twenty-one year old college student who in all honesty doesn't know how that would work. I'm not going to risk it, though. If the other ponies, not to mention Celestia, came to our world to get her and I had to tell them that she was in the hands of the government and I had no idea what was happening to her... yeah, that sounds like a fun scenario for everybody.

Rarity takes another deep breath. "I..." Her voice cracks. "I suppose you're correct. I don't think I'd enjoy thousands of humans clamoring to see me and never giving me a moment's rest. Having said that, may I watch this show, father? If nothing else I'd like to know what my life was like back in the land I came from. If my kind came to get me and I knew nothing I'd be at a disadvantage."

I take a moment to ponder that before slowly nodding. "I suppose so." It's a kid's show so I don't think that there's anything disturbing in there for her. Not to mention the fact that I think she's right and she would need to know about her old life if she's going to go back.

I toss the other box of food and stand up, stretching my arms as I do. Rarity tears her gaze away from the computer and looks at her cup. She levitates it over and takes a sip. "Do you know how I do that?" she asks. "Watch the show, I mean."

I take a few minutes to explain it to her and she seems to get the gist of it. She has to practice moving the mouse and clicking the keys with her magic for another few minutes but she gets it down pretty quick. I explain to her that I only want her looking at the show itself and nothing else on the internet without supervision from me. My roommate occasionally talked about, and looked at, some of the darker moments of the fandom and I don't want her seeing that.

She accepts my limitations and begins looking up the pilot of the show. I sense that she wants some alone time to figure all of this out so I stand up and go to take a shower.

I lock the door and turn on the water just as I hear the music for the opening play.

I take a deep breath and begin to wonder whether or not I did the right thing.

Author's Note

Now, I hope that you don't think that I'm being preachy or making a statement during the parts where I talk about some of the darker elements of our fandom after TD shows Rarity the show. Trust me, I'm not. I write grimdark occasionally so I'm the last person who would make a statement speaking out against something like Lil Miss Rarity or Cupcakes.

Football is Fun, but Then it Goes Really, Really, REALLY Wrong

Where was I? Oh yes, perfect spit-takes. Kristen has just done one and I am two seconds away from breaking out into rambunctious laughter despite the situation.

Rarity? Not so much.

Rarity raises a hoof and wipes the Dr. Pepper off of her face. "Father, why did Aunt Kristen just spit soda all over me?"

I was about to explain it to her but before I could the exact same thing happened, much to Rarity's chagrin. "Really now, Aunt Kristen, I've had quite enough of you spitting your drink at me!"

"FATHER?!" screeches Kristen. "YOU HAVE A TALKING CARTOON PONY CALLING YOU FATHER?!"

"That's what I just said," says Rarity with a levelness that nobody else in the room has. "Yes I know he's not my real father but that's been the role he's been fulfilling for the past three weeks or so."

Kristen blinks at the pony in front of her for a moment before she leans her head back on the couch and groans. "I'm calling Mom," she says.

"Oh come on, you told me that you wouldn't do anything rash!" I say.

Her head snaps up and she glares at me. "And calling Mom would be the rational thing to do," she says. "Either one or both of us has gone insane right now and I'm not sure what to do about it besides that."

"We've not gone insane, she's right. Here!" I insist, pointing to my pony charge. "Believe me, I think this whole scenario is nuts too but what exactly can I do about it?"

Kristen sighs and puts her head in her hands. "This isn't happening," she groans. "This. Isn't. Happening."

"Yes it is," says Rarity.

Kristen lets out a humorless chuckle and sits up. "Okay, so can you tell me exactly what happened?"

I sit down on the chair in front of her and Rarity takes a seat next to Kristen on the couch. She is about to scoot away but one glare from me puts that to rest. "Okay, so I've told you about how I found her in a box, right? Well, about a year ago I was crossing the four way crosswalk and a car ran a red light. I was almost hit by it and I would have been if not for some Celestial intervention."

"What do you mean?" she asks suspiciously.

"You saw the first three or four episodes, right? Well basically Princess Celestia was experimenting with magic and she accidentally created a portal to our world. A one in a trillion chance if you think about it. When she looked through the portal she saw me about to get hit by the car and she pulled me through the portal by mistake, intending only to pull me back a little to protect me from the car.

"Because of that, I had to spend two months in Equestria before she found a way for me to get back. That's why I was gone for two months."

Kristen takes another deep breath and looks over at her 'niece'. "And her? She just appeared?"

"I don't really remember anything aside from basic details such as my name and personality," says Rarity sadly. "I don't remember how I got here; otherwise I would most certainly have brought it up."

"Oh of course you would have," Kristen grumbles. She took another deep breath and glanced at the remote on the table. "Okay... let me think about what I'm going to do about this..." She reaches for the remote and turns the TV back on. "We'll talk about this a bit more after football."

"Can you teach me about football?" asks Rarity. "You and Father seem to enjoy it so much so..." Her hears flatten and she bows her head. "If you want to teach me about it."

Wow, that was almost like Fluttershy. Still, it did a little bit to soften Kristen's expression. She opens the bag of Doritos and delved into the basic rules of Football. I took my place beside Rarity just in time to see Trindon Holliday return a kickoff 108 yards for a touchdown, eliciting a loud roar of triumph from both me and my sister. Rarity copies it but I can tell that she doesn't really get why we're so happy so after Prater kicks another rocket between the uprights for the extra point making the game 7-0.

We expend a bit more time explaining the basics of the game until she got it down. "So, the people in blue and orange are the Denver Broncos and they're the team closest to where we are right now, and the people in silver and black are the Oakland Raiders and they're the bad guys."

"Eh, they're not 'bad guys' per se. This isn't so much good buy/bad guy since I'm sure that a lot of people on the Raiders aren't evil people out to do bad guy things. It's more a... less than friendly rivalry."

"But we swept the division last year and we'll sweep it this year!" Kristen roars.

Rarity frowns at the screen at the sight of a Raider running back getting tackled after a three and a half yard gain. "Indeed? Hmm, this seems to be a very rough sport," she observes.

"Why do you think they're wearing what is essentially full body armor? It's to protect them from getting hurt. It doesn't always work but more often than not it does," says Kristen.

"Well that's good," says Rarity.

The three of us watch in relative silence, taking chips and soda as necessary. Rarity doesn't seem to care for Dr. Pepper, but Doritos she takes a surprising interest in and she starts eating as much as we do.

Well the Manning/Thomas/Decker trifecta tear apart the Raiders secondary just like last year and it is pretty quickly apparent that this is going to be a pretty one-sided game. We use the first half to explain a bit more about the rules such as a lot of the flags that the players can draw. It's a Broncos/Raiders game so there were a fair amount of them. No personal fouls beyond facemasks though which is surprising.

The second half made my sister and I slightly wary that there might be a slight comeback. It was 17-3 at the half, but the opening Raider drive isn't something that we like very much. The first run yields a fifteen yard run and neither of us was happy.

"OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE F..." I glance at the filly to my left who looks at me curiously. I clear my throat. "Fortuitously kidding me!" I finish.

Kristen snorts at the makeshift profanity and takes a few Doritos. She frowns as she gets mostly crumbs, but she isn't going to get any more while the game is going on. Maybe later during the Panthers/Bucs game she'll refill our stock.

Well the game continues on much like we think it will. The Raiders' drive ends in a forty-three yard field goal and Trindon Holliday returns the kickoff thirty-six yards.

The game ends after another hour and a half and Rarity seems to still have some interest in the sport. She cheers when the Broncos win 34-9 but I really suspect that she only does so because Kristen and I are doing the same thing. Admittedly it's kind of cute seeing her jump up and down on the couch, her tail and mane bouncing when...

Wait... what am I saying? I must be getting soft.

Kristen does go for a chip run and Rarity continues watching for the later games. Kristen is not gone for more than twenty minutes and makes it back just in time for Cam Newton to run it in one yard for the opening score. Rarity seems far more level during this game but I suspect that it is because Kristen and I are. We don't particularly care one way or the other who wins this one but football is football and it is still fun to watch nonetheless.

Eventually the last game has gone final and the last vestiges of soda have been drunk and Doritos consumed. It's dark out now and Rarity's bedtime. She doesn't argue that much because after the soda she's crashed. It was probably the most active day she's had since she's been here. Her mane and tail are slightly out of place but I think she'll see to that in the morning with some of the hair products that I've gotten for her.

I put her on the bed and put the Broncos blanket I have over her and she snuggles happily into the pillow. I am about to stand up and turn off the lights for her, but she puts a hoof on my arm. "Father, I don't suppose you know any lullabies?"

I frown and scratch my head. I'm about to tell her no, I don't beyond 'Rockabye Baby', but I decide to dig a little deeper than that. I...I may or may not have been in choir all four years in high school and... honor choir for the latter three.

I said may or may not...

I take a deep breath and finally come up with one that I remember the tune to. I decide to amend the lyrics a bit for her, thought.

"Hush-a-bye you sweet little filly and don’t you cry any more.
Rainbow's has gone to her Wonderbolts tryouts a keepin’ the wolf from the door.
Luna will raise the moon in the sky,
So you can see the pegasi whizzing by.
Home in a hurry each pegasus mare must fly
To a filly like you.

Hush-a-bye you sweet little filly and close those pretty blue eyes.
Pinkie has thrown her weekly birthday party, let's hope this time it's a surprise.
Fluttershy will turn the radio on
So you can hear a sleepy-time song,
Sung by a mother whose poor heart must long
For a filly like you."

By the time I'm finished, Rarity is out like a light. I stand up and turn out the lights themselves.

Man... where did that come from? When did I get so sentimental?

I shut the door behind me and walk into my living room to see Kristen sitting on the couch with a raised eyebrow and the first traces of bewilderment on her face. I sit next to her and put my head in my hands.

"What was that?" asks Kristen. "You just sang a lullaby to a cartoon character."

"Do you think anything about any of this makes sense?" I counter. "Normalcy went out the door the second she came here."

Kristen nods. "I can imagine." The two of us are silent for a few moments before she straightens up and scoots closer. "I'm not gonna tell Mom, by the way. I'm not telling anybody."

I breathe a slight sigh of relief at this and give her a half smile which quickly fades. Noting my mood she wraps an arm around my shoulder. "Are you okay?"

I shake my head. "No. No I'm pretty far from okay. I haven't been truly okay for three weeks." I sit up. "It's just that... well, I guess I've been asking myself 'why me?' since she came here."

"Makes sense," says Kristen.

"I mean, what did I do that the universe saw fit to not only arrange for me to go to Equestria, but also to have Rarity here a year after I get back. What's the fairness in that? There are hundreds of thousands of Bronies out there who would kill to be where I am right now and yet I'm the one with a sleeping cartoon character in my room."

"Do you resent her for that?" asks Kristen.

I shake my head. "No. No I don't. Whatever brought her here was something on their end, but only Twilight or Celestia would be capable of something like this. I can't blame Rarity for something probably beyond her control, especially because she's just a kid."

"You're really worried about this," Kristen observes.

"Thank you Captain Obvious," I grumble.

"I'm getting the feeling that it goes way beyond Mom and Dad or even your boss finding out about this."

I nod glumly. "Yeah. I...I hate the fact that I'm the one thing that's protecting her, you know? By sheer chance I'm the only think keeping her from Hell on Earth essentially. Had she ended up with anybody else, the results wouldn't have been so great for her. She'd be an easy thing to manipulate."

"How so?" questions Kristen.

"Well there's the obvious scientific implications," I say. "The government would kill to have her because of her magic which means experiments, keeping her locked away etc. I don't know what they'd do with that or me for keeping her here. There's also that fact that a greedy person could take advantage of her gem finding spell, some of the less humane Bronies would sell tickets; 'come see filly Rarity, isn't she friggin' adorable?! It's the show on Earth!'"

"You think that would happen?" asks Kristen.

"Ben alone would kill me to get to her," I say. "And I'm not sure if I can keep it from him for much longer. I've had to swear my allegiance to the herd just to keep some of his suspicions down."

"That's surely been the most trying thing about this," Kristen jokes.

I glower at her. "Don't be cute, this is serious. If he found out then this all goes to Hell faster than we can possibly imagine. I'm the RA here, I know that he's converted at least five people and three others were already Bronies anyway and that's just on my floor. I'm sure he knows who is a Brony on the other floors too and, again, that's just my building. It'd spread like wildfire that Rarity was here on the campus and just a short walk away. It'd be chaos in hours, minutes even."

"And you think you're the only person keeping her from that."

"How can I not be? I've talked to her about that scenario and it scares her. She doesn't want that for herself any more than I do." I sigh and lean back. "What's scaring me the most is both the unknown and the inevitable. You should have seen me when I realized that you'd have to find out. I was a nervous wreck."

"I gathered that," said Kristen.

"So there's the inevitability of Mom and Dad finding out when I have to go home for breaks and I can't leave her here which means that six people know that she's here. I can't leave her here but I can't transport her out easily either. If one guy saw Rarity, that would be bad."

"You think they'd believe him?"

"If even one did..."

"Still, what are the odds that anybody would believe anybody who told them? I mean, this is an absolutely ridiculous scenario; people aren't going to believe it."

"I know," I say. "But I'm still worried that it's going to get out of hand. Even if nobody believes it, it'll still spread like wildfire that Rarity is right here. Even if nobody believes it, there will still be people who check up on it just to be sure and then what happens? It's not like I can take her out of the room. If I run into somebody then it's really over."

Kristen is silent as she mulls over my words. I can't blame her for her silence. I do continue on, though. "What's freaking me out is the sheer sense of hopeless inevitability I'm feeling. No matter what, this thing I have going here is only sustainable for another three months, four tops. Three weeks is a miracle since I have people coming to my door all the time for roommate arguments, requests, advice, or just to say hi. I'm the RA, it's my job to interact with people and I have a big secret one door away."

Kristen nods silently. "Is there any way I can help?" she asks.

I shrug. "You probably have about as many good ideas as I do. If you ever think of one, do be sure to let me know because I will be all ears from start to finish."

Kristen takes a deep breath and stands up. "I don't know, TD, I just don't know. Just know that if you ever need me, day or night, call. I don't care what time it is just call. You don't have to do this alone anymore."

I manage a small smile and stand up too. Kristen and I hug and she leaves, taking one last soda with her. As she goes, I have to admit that a small sense of hope wells up in me. It was good to get all of that off of my chest to somebody who isn't going to blab and who legitimately wants to help me. I'm still going to have to go through this thing mostly alone, but I have a hope that somebody can help.

It's a comforting thought.

* * * *

It's been three days since my talk with Kristen and things are at a steady pace right now. School is about the same and the job is okay. Not to mention that I've found some cheap fabric so Rarity can start making whatever she wants. She's thinking of starting with some cool shirts for Kristen and so I'm curious to see what she comes up with.

Right now I'm just about to go back to my room for a quick nap before I get Rarity and I some dinner. I'm thinking calzones tonight, veggie for her and meat for me obviously. I enter the elevator and press the button for my floor. The doors close and to my annoyance, it stops on the third floor.

And Ben gets in.

I'm pretty casual with him. He smiles when he sees me and I return it with a nod of my head.

"So, did you see the latest episode yesterday?" he says.

"Yeah. It was pretty heartbreaking when RD didn't get the games in Cloudsdale."

"I KNOW RIGHT?!" says my roommate to my now increased irritation. Our floor can't come fast enough.

Well since this is a modern elevator it only takes a few more seconds before we're on our floor and we both depart. However, he stops me and beckons me to the lounge. "I need to talk to you; do you have a minute?" he says.

I grumble, I need that nap, but I humor him and follow him to one of the study lounges. He silently shuts the door behind me after I walk in and he directs me to one of the chairs. I shake my head, preferring to stand, and he shrugs.

"So, what do you need to talk to me about?" I ask.

To my sheer horror a knowing smirk crosses Ben's face and he walks a few steps closer to me.

"So, you've been to Equestria and you have filly Rarity living in your room."

Oh You Have Got to be Fortuitously Kidding Me

I take a few uneasy steps back and put my hand up. "Ben. I need you to listen to me very carefully."

"Okay."

"Whatever you think you know isn't true," I say slowly. "I do not have filly Rarity in my room and I have not been to Equestria. That kind of thing is absolutely impossible."

Ben smirks. "Really? Because I heard you and your sister talking about it and you two really aren't the type of people who would have that heated of a conversation about something like that." He takes a few steps forward. "So it stands to reason that either you have been or you believe you've been and either scenario interests me." He chuckles. "Though not as much as the fact that you have filly Rarity in your room. You may have been hallucinating that, but your sister too? Oh, and let's not mention the unlikelihood that you found a video of filly Rarity asking you about football in a flawless filly Rarity voice."

I take a harsher tone. "Ben, stay the heck out of this."

"I heard her, TD," says Ben, eagerness rising in his voice. "I heard filly Rarity in your room!"

"Ben--"

"How long has she been there? How did she get here?! Why didn't you tell me that you're living the plot of My Little Dashie?!"

"Because I knew you'd react this way!" I say. Dang it, I should have kept denying it.

Ben smiles triumphantly at me and takes another step forward. "It seems to me that I'm the one holding most of the cards here," he says.

"Ben, I need you to listen to me very, very, very carefully. She does not want to see you! She is scared by pretty much every human besides me and now my sister! She does not like Bronies!"

Ben scoffs. "Come on, dude, do you have any idea how selfish you're being? Filly Rarity, man, FILLY. RARITY!" He glares at me. "How can you betray the herd like this, man? What kind of Brony just keeps this to himself?"

A look of bewilderment crosses my face before I figure out what's he's talking about. "Brony? Ben I'm not a Brony! I used that as a cover for why you heard Rarity's voice coming out of my room!"

Ben's jaw drops and he lets out an audible gasp. "You... you swore false allegiance to the herd and kept one of our gods from us!!"

Okay, even I'm beginning to get the feeling that he's extreme even by Brony standards.

R...Right?

I shake my head. "Gods, seriously, Ben? That's ridiculous."

"Maybe a little," he mumbles.

"That aside, I can't let you see her and I certainly won't be letting her out of my room."

"Well then I have to tell others about this," says Ben simply, reaching for the door handle.

"No wait!"

Ben stops and turns to me, his smirk returning. "Yes?"

"I can't offer you visitation rights, it's just not feasible. That doesn't mean we can't compromise."

Ben folds his arms and leans against the door. "I'm listening," he says.

"Okay... so as you can gather I did spend two months in Equestria. I can tell you all about that, every single detail. Heck, I even brought something back with me that I can show you that will back up my statements. Just leave her alone!"

"Well you said 'compromise' so let's do that. I'll be content with you telling me about Equestria if you let me see her once a week for half an hour."

"She's not a dog, dude! She's a real filly who is scared of the world around her and you being here would do the exact opposite of helping her! I'm the only one she trusts right now!"

Ben glares at me and his hand reaches for the door handle again. "Then it seems we have nothing further to discuss," he says quietly.

He pulls the door handle down but I'm there quickly. I wrap my arms around his chest and pull him away from the door. His weight means that we're both tumble to the floor. He struggles to get out of my grasp and, since he's regrettably the stronger of the two of us, he succeeds. He quickly stands back up and reaches for the door again, but something catches both of our eyes: My key card has fallen out of my loose shorts pockets during out struggle.

You know, the one thing that can get anybody in my room where Rarity is.

His eyes widen and he reaches for my key card at the same time that I roll towards it. Once again him being more athletic proves to my detriment as he picks it up a half second before I do and runs towards the door. I stand up and throw my weight against the door before he can open it.

"Hey Ben, do you want to know what the first thing I did in Equestria was?"

Ben pauses for a moment before my words sink in and a goofy smile comes across his face and he nods eagerly.

I take a deep breath. "I punched Princess Celestia in the face."

Ben's jaw hits the floor and he staggers back a few steps. "You're lying," he whispers.

"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye," I say, doing the exaggerated motions to the promise. "And trust me; after Pinkie Pie sets you on fire for breaking one, you take Pinkie Promises very. Very. VERY seriously."

Somehow Ben's mouth gets even wider at that revelation but he recovers surprisingly quickly and moves towards the door once more.

Anticipating this like nothing else, I wind back and punch my ex-roommate in the face.

Thankfully Ben is not an immortal sun goddess (can you imagine if he was? Yeesh) and he goes down when hit in the jaw. The key card flies out of his hand and I quickly dive for it. However Ben still isn't out for the count and he dive tackles me before I can get to it. Pain shoots into my side as I collide with the table and I'm momentarily stunned. It's more than enough time for Ben to get the card and open the door.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!!" I roar as I stand back up. I mirror his diving tackle and he hits the ground, the key card once again sliding from his grasp. He elbows me in the nose but I punch him in the spine. His back arches up as pain shoots through his whole body and I use that opportunity to grab the key card and run. Admittedly I'm not too sure how to get out of this. We’re in a fight in front of a bunch of people and questions will be asked.

I reach my room and try to swipe in, but once again I find myself tackled to the floor. Thankfully I don't lose control of the key card, but Ben does land on top of me and punch me in the side of the head. I growl in pain and grasp his throat in my free hand. He gurgles as his air supply is cut off and he struggles to get away from me which is all I need.

Until the cops show up that is, something that happens right now, actually.

Ben and I are quickly pulled apart but not before I manage to slip the key card back into my pocket. Campus Security leads the two of us down to the unused Hall Director's office and sits the two of us down. Ben and I are glaring daggers at each other and if looks could kill then we'd both have dropped dead long ago.

Two officers sit opposite us and frown at the both of us. This is the farthest thing from good. "So," says one of them, "would you two mind explaining what that was all about before we get the police here?"

"He was trying to steal my key card to get into my room!" I accuse.

The officers raise their eyebrows at Ben who intensifies his glare. "He had something of mine in there. He was keeping it from me."

"That's not true and you know it! She. Isn't. Yours!"

"I like the show more so technically she is far more mine than yours." says Ben.

"What are you talking about?" asks the second officer.

"What am I talking about? I'm talking about the fact that three weeks ago he found filly Rarity in his room and he's been keeping her there for himself since then."

The room is silent at Ben's accusation for a moment before I break out into rambunctious laughter. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" I say wildly. "You really couldn't have thought of anything better than that?"

"It's true!" Ben insists. "He's been living the plot of My Little Dashie for three weeks and he's not even a Brony!"

The first officer looks thoroughly bewildered but the second one is strangely quiet. He takes a deep breath and walks a bit closer to Ben. "Are you absolutely sure that Rarity is in his room?" he asks.

Ben nods vigorously. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!" he says while doing the motions.

The second officer puts a hand over his mouth. "Holy Celestia," he whispers.

"OH COME ON!!!"

Ben, however, is not so put out as I am. "You are of the herd?" he asks eagerly. The second officer nods ever so slightly. "Then you know the implications of this. We Bronies by our very nature cannot break Pinkie Promises!"

The first officer is far past knowing what is going on. "Joe what is he saying? What's going on?"

Joe clears his throat and turns back to his partner. "Uh, it seems to me that this guy has a contraband animal in his room. I think the best thing to do is master into his room to go check it out. I can do that while you filly-- I mean, fill out the reports." He turns to Ben. "If I find out that you broke your Pinkie Promise, I can assure you that you will have brought disgrace upon the herd unlike any Brony has or ever will."

Ben nods. "I understand, sir."

"Joe, what the heck is going on? What is the herd? Are you guys in some sort of a cult or something?"

"NO!" says Ben and Joe at the same time.

"YES!" I say in the same moment.

"Look it doesn't matter," says Joe. "I'm going to go check it out anyway. Just let me get the master card."

Oh no.

They're going to find out soon and there's nothing I can do to stop them. The second one already seems to believe it. I don't...I...

I run.

Yep, I just stand up and bolt out of there like... well; Hell kind of is already chasing me, isn't it? Thankfully Hell's reaction time is slow and I have a good fifteen seconds head start on the two of them. I make it to the elevator just as it closes and press the button for my floor. If they're going to take the stairs then I'll have even more time to figure something out. The best I can do right now is try to get her to my car and hope for the best. I can't just lock myself in my room while they have the master card.

I reach my floor and am delighted to see that nobody is chasing me here yet. I key into my room and yell for Rarity. "Rarity, we gotta go!"

She trots out of my room with a sewing needle behind her ear and cocks her head. "Why father, whatever is the matter?"

"You know that worst case scenario I envisioned?" I ask, grabbing my car keys. "Well, it's happening." I put my keys in my pocket and pick Rarity up. I carry her to the elevator and begin our descent to the first floor. From there it's probably only a hundred or so feet to my car.

The elevator reaches the first floor and I pick Rarity up again and run towards the front entrance. Ben is in the Hall Director's office still and he gasps when he sees me and it is only a few seconds before he gives chase.

Oh, and did I mention that there was a movie day going on in the front lounge today? Seems that there are five or six Bronies in the crowd.

So, I find myself being chased by a bunch of Bronies and the two security guards in a short amount of time. Rarity is doing her best to fire some spells at the crowd, but nothing she's doing is really effective. She can really only levitate and illuminate her horn at this point. I have enough of a head start that I make it to my car and get the both of us inside before the crowd reaches us. I turn on the car, put it in gear, and hit the gas.

Rarity uses her magic to put her seat belt on with my instruction and it's a good thing too because this is turning into a high speed chase. The two campus security officers have gotten into their car and are following me and it's only going to be a minute or so before they call for backup.

The car chase is rivaling the one in The French Connection right now. I have to admit that if the two of us weren't so scared we'd probably be having fun. My car is just a hair faster than theirs is which I'm not sure how much that's going to help when real police cars show up... right about now.

Yep, my guess of a few minutes is proven correct when no less than six cop cars join in the chase. Son of a gun that Brony officer must have told the police that I'm a dangerous criminal and/or contacted any Bronies he knew in the police force. It would explain the number of them.

I'm pretty much pedal to the metal right now. I'm really glad that I'm full on gas otherwise this might be a short car chase. The roads are bare for the most part and I only have to swerve around a few cars in my mad dash to escape the cops.

"Um father, not that I'm worried or anything but how are we going to evade them and what are we going to do afterwards?"

"No idea and no idea," I say. "Let's just focus on the first one right now and then we'll worry about the second, yeah?"

"I suppose that would be prudent," she says, looking back at the cars chasing us. "There seem to be a few more of them, father. About eight now."

"FFFFFF--FORTUITOUS!!!"

"Doesn't that mean--"

"I'd rather not use the real word if that's all the same to you," I growl. I turn the steering wheel and make a sharp left turn so I can get on a more deserted road where there will be less chance of running into...

Oh no.

You know those police blockades that show up during things like this? Well there's one right now. What's worse is that three of the cars chasing me are faster than I am and as such they are both flanking me right now.

"Oh you have got to be fortuitously kidding me," Rarity mumbles.

Despite myself, I laugh at that. It's more the laugh of a guy whose whole world collapsed around him in the span of a day so there's that.

With nothing else to do, I slow my car down until I come to a complete stop. Rarity and I are completely surrounded on all sides by cop cars and there's even a news chopper in the sky. They've no doubt heard about a high speed cop car chase and that stuff gets viewers.

Six officers approach the car with guns drawn and I turn off the car. "Rarity, I just want you to know that I did my best. I'm sure there was a more rational way to handle all of this, but do know that I tried."

"I know you did, father," she whispers. The car is silent for a moment as the cops grow closer. "F-Father?"

"Yeah?"

"What's going to happen to me?" Rarity whispers and I hear the first traces of tears in her voice.

I take a deep breath. "Don't worry. You'll be fine."

It's hard to believe lies like that when you're surrounded by cops.

Screw the Universe, I'm Going to Say That It Can't Get Any Worse

"Sir I'm going to need you to step out of the car with your hands on your head."

I look over at Rarity who is huddled up in a ball on the seat. I take a deep breath. "And if I don't?"

"If you don't you're only making it worse for yourself."

I let out a humorless caw of a laugh. "Making it worse? How can this possibly be worse?!"

"Look just get out of the car."

"Father, it may be best to do what they say," Rarity whispers. "I don't want you to get hurt."

I look at her and slowly pat her on the head. "Okay," I say quietly. "It'll be okay." I'm more saying that to me than her at this point since both of us know darned well that it isn't. "Okay, I'm coming out!" I slowly open the door and come out with my hands on my head as instructed. I flinch back at the sight of no less than thirty guns pointed directly at me, some of them a bit larger than a standard pistol.

I am immediately surrounded by four cops, one of whom handcuffs me pretty quickly. Two other cops slowly walk over to the car and look inside, eliciting a gasp from one of them. "DUDE! It's Rarity!"

The other one frowns at him. "Rarity? Isn't that one of the characters from that My Little Pony show your daughter watches?"

"My...?" The first cop pauses and clears his throat. "Oh yes... ha ha... my daughter watches that show, that's right."

I have to suppress a chuckle despite myself. "He's a closet Brony," I call out to the other cop.

Both cops turn to me, one with a bewildered look and the other with a look that clearly says 'DUDE!!! What the heck?!'

The other cop turns to his partner. "Seriously, Frank?"

Frank chuckles nervously. "Uh... maybe."

"He totally does," I call out.

"Seriously, dude you have to stop that!" says Frank.

"You're arresting me. No."

Frank frowns at me and turns to the car. "Okay, we gotta get her outta there and figure out what to do next. I mean, that's a living cartoon character in that car."

"Who do we call about that?" asks Frank's partner.

Frank shrugs. "Hard to say. Let's just get them both to the station and we can figure it out from there."

The cops holding on to me begin dragging me towards one of their cars just as four more cops surround the car. One of them opens the passenger door and I hear Rarity squeal in terror.

"YOU STUPID JERKS, SHE'S JUST A KID!" I screech, struggling to get out of the grasp of the cops. It doesn't matter as I see Rarity getting dragged out of the car in the grasp of Frank. She's struggling to get out of his grip but he's holding on too tight and she can't, even though she's charging her horn for a likely ineffectual spell.

FATHER, HELP ME!!!" she screams.

That surprisingly makes Frank look a bit uncomfortable. "Uh, let's put them in the same car," he says nervously. The other cops shrug and he walks over to the car I'm currently being forced into. He reaches it in only a moment and Rarity is put next to me before he shuts the door.

Rarity squeals in terror and wraps her forelegs around me. "Father, where are they taking us?" she whines.

"Just to the police station. They're...they're not going to hurt us or anything."

"Are they going to keep us there forever? What's going to happen to us?"

"I..." I take a deep breath to steady myself. "I don't know." My voice cracks at the end of that. I really don't have any idea of what is going to happen to us. Ignoring the fact that I'll probably get jail time for running from the cops not to mention expelled from school, I'll have completely failed in my duty to protect Rarity from exactly this in every way. Lord knows what her life is going to be like now since there is no way they're just going to let the two of us go. Even if they did, there's still the Bronies to contend with. We'd have to go into hiding to avoid that and how would that work?

"I hate this," whines Rarity. "I hate how they won't leave us alone."

"Me too, Rarity. Me too."

* * * *

We reach the police station in twenty minutes or so. Rarity cries when they separate us and I can't do a single thing about it. I'm unarmed, handcuffed, and in a police station and she doesn't really have powerful magic. This is a hopeless situation and we both know it.

The cops adjust my handcuffs so that my hands are in front of me and lead me to an interrogation room. I have no idea where Rarity is after they separate us and I don't know what they're going to do with her. I'm almost thankful for Frank at this point because there is no way in heck that he is going to allow anybody to hurt her.

The cops let me stew for an hour or so in the interrogation room before somebody finally comes in. I'm kind of freaked out to see that it isn't two cops, but what appear to be two FBI agents, one man and one woman. Man, this just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?

"Mr. Powell," says the man. "I'm Special Agent Johnson and this is Special Agent Tanner. We understand that the filly was in your care when you were arrested."

"Where's Rarity?" I growl.

"We haven't hurt her, nor will we," says Agent Tanner. "It would hardly be prudent for us to do such a thing. If more of her kind came into our world and saw that we had mistreated her we would have a crisis on our hands."

"It's too late for that," I reply. "Do you seriously think that Princess Celestia and the rest of the Mane Six aren't going to find a way to get her? You've already done enough to get them nice and pissed off at you. Good luck surviving the wrath of an immortal sun goddess."

"Queen Chrysalis didn't seem to have a problem with her," Agent Johnson mutters.

Oh for Pete's sake!

"How many Bronies are there around here?!"

"Agent Johnson is not a Brony, he watches the show with his two daughters," Agent Tanner insists.

"You really fell for that?" I ask. I turn to Agent Johnson. "Who is best princess?"

"Lu--" He catches himself before he can finish but the damage is done. He clears his throat and puts a folder down on the table. "Any allegiances I might have to the NLR are hardly important right now. What is important is that we handle this delicately."

"I assume that means sending Rarity to a government facility for testing, covering it up as a hoax, and putting me away forever for knowing a government secret that big?"

"Doesn't have to be that way," says Agent Tanner. "We can make it so that this doesn't completely ruin your life. You either get expelled from school and do jail time for running from the cops and assaulting a fellow student or you keep quiet about it and we drop the charges and even toss more than a little cash your way to keep it quiet."

"And Rarity?"

"That's our business," says Agent Tanner.

"You know I'm her father figure here, right? I took care of her for almost a month and I'm her protector."

Agent Tanner opens her mouth to respond, but a third agent opens the door and hands Agent Johnson a note. He scans it for a second before turning to the other agent. "Are you sure about this?" he asks. The other one nods and leaves. Agent Tanner is handed the note and Agent Johnson turns to me. "We talked to your ex-roommate and he revealed some interesting tidbits that change everything."

"How so" I ask nervously.

Agent Tanner's hand is over her mouth at the note and Agent Johnson sits down across from me. "So, you were in Equestria for two months then."

Government Jokes Because We Can't Always Help It

"That might literally be the dumbest thing I have ever heard anybody say," I deadpan.

The agents exchange a look. "Your roommate confirmed it and since Rarity is here we're more inclined to believe it."

"And why are you taking his word for it? Why does 'Rarity is in my room' equate 'I've been to Equestria'?"

"Have you?" asks Agent Johnson.

"I think we've established that I'm denying it."

"So why would he say that? Where would he get the idea that you would have, particularly if you told him honestly about his suspicions that you had Rarity in your room?"

"To get back at me for not letting me see her I imagine," I say.

"Don't give me that, Mr. Powell," says Agent Tanner. "He had no reason to lie to us like that, particularly to get back at you."

"Really? Because it'd be a pretty good way to screw me over. You wouldn't exactly ignore the fact that you have the only known person who has ever traveled to an alternate dimension in your hands."

Agent Johnson opens his mouth to retort, but a trio of sharp knocks on the door cut him off. He growls and stands up. "What is it now?" he mumbles angrily. He walks over to the door and opens it once more. The same suited man is on the other side and hands something to Agent Johnson with a few words.

Something chillingly familiar.

Agent Johnson turns around and to my horror he is holding the staff I got in Canterlot with a vaguely triumphant smile on his face. "Care to explain this one?" he says. He examines a few of the carvings. "This one looks a heck of a lot like Princess Celestia and you. You seem to be..." he frowns and looks in closer. "Punching her in the face?"

Agent Tanner looks at the staff quizzically and examines the uppermost carving. "Well that's something," she mutters.

"Can I have that back? It's kind of mine," I say.

Agent Johnson looks back up at me. "TD, how in the name of Luna being best princess did you survive something like that?"

I smirk. "Simple, she values all life too much to let Twilight, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash accidentally murder a half-dead human."

"So you were in Equestria," says Agent Tanner.

"You're holding the proof in your hands, I couldn't deny it if I wanted to at this point."

"Yeah, see, that kind of changes everything," says Agent Tanner. "Not only do we now know for sure that there are other universes out there, but we have a person who has been there for however long right in front of us."

"Two months," I elaborate.

"See? More than enough time to get an incredible amount of data about the world, moreso than we would have gotten by simply watching the show." Agent Tanner sighs and puts her hand on her forehead. "And the entire series might now be required viewing for our staff now that you and Rarity are here if nothing else than for background information on Rarity."

Agent Johnson clearly represses a smile at the thought of staff viewing parties and I have to admit, the image of thirty FBI agents and twenty scientists in lab coats sitting around and watching My Little Pony is pretty funny. Agent Johnson continues examining the carvings but gasps when he gets to the bottom one. "You have to see this!" he says.

Agent Tanner leans over and Agent Johnson points at the carving. Agent Tanner's jaw drops and she actually takes a few steps back.

"What, which one is it?" I ask.

Agent Johnson maneuvers the staff over to me and I look at the carving in question. It's me and Rarity being arrested. Wow... that one wasn't there before.

"How did you do this?" asks Agent Johnson. "There is no way that you could possibly have known about this so how is this possible?"

I sigh and rub my temples despite the handcuffs. I briefly consider lying to them but I'm pretty much forced into the truth at this point. "I got it for ten bits in Canterlot. It records significant events in my life. Whenever one happens it appears on the staff."

Agent Johnson grins excitedly and turns back to the door. he opens it and hands the staff back to the third agent. "Take this to the lab too. This boy here just became a lot more interesting."

"I'm twenty-one. If I can buy booze and drink it till I pass out I'm not really a boy anymore."

Agent Johnson ignores the remark and closes the door again. He sits back down opposite me and to my surprise he takes a set of keys out of his pocket and takes off my handcuffs. I start rubbing my wrists, trying to get a little more feeling in them.

Agent Johnson leans back in his chair and crosses his arms. "So here's the deal: we're not going to hurt Rarity or you at all. It just wouldn't be prudent in the least to harm a person and pony that could greatly increase our knowledge in fields that were myths or theories before now."

"You catch more flies with honey than vinegar," I snark.

"Explain it how you will but that's the gist, sure."

"So what does that mean for Rarity and I?"

Agent Johnson opens up a folder and peruses a few documents. "Well, from what we've talked with Rarity, though she's been largely unreceptive to us, she sees you as her father figure here on Earth. Most of the scientists I've discussed the issue with seem to agree that breaking the two of you apart would be counter-productive for everybody and that is the last thing that we want.

"So, while no details have been finalized, it will probably come to pass that you and Rarity will be given a permanent residence somewhere where she could be studied and you would be accessible for interviews about Equestria."

"I couldn't tell you what I know that the show doesn't already show," I say.

"I suppose that the series will have to be required viewing for you too then," says Agent Tanner thoughtfully. "Maybe more than once."

...Son of a--

"But we can work that out later," says Agent Johnson. "Right now we're going to move the two of you to a temporary holding space. Not a prison cell or anything like that, but temporary quarters. I assure you that it will be most comfortable for the two of you."

"And my family?" I say. "What are you going to tell them? I can't just disappear off the face of the Earth... again."

The agents exchange an uneasy look that frankly I'm not wild about either. Agent Tanner speaks up first. "Well since we cannot house you and Rarity in somewhere public you'll be largely isolated. We would prefer that as few people as possible know about this and we can't risk your family telling other people, as low as the risk of others believing them is."

A glower crosses my face and I lean forward. "So let me get this straight: a year ago I was pulled into Equestria and I lost my family for two months. I finally made it back and lived in peace for a whole year before this and now because Rarity is here and sees me as her dad I have to lose my family for the rest of my life?! The only way they're not going to wonder where I am is if you tell them that I'm dead!"

"I'm sorry but we can't let you go. Rarity and your knowledge must be kept a secret for now, I'm sorry."

"And what about Ben and the security guards who saw Rarity?"

"The security guards will be bribed and threatened with imprisonment if they reveal state secrets. Ben will be seen as little more than a lunatic spouting Bigfoot myths."

I snort and lean back. "I half expected assassinations."

Agent Tanner chuckles. "You've seen one too many movies, Mr. Powell."

"That still doesn't answer what you're going to tell my family. If you let me see them then I might spill the beans about this and in turn you'd have to arrest me for telling government secrets and that would destroy any goodwill you had built up with Rarity."

"Then you understand our rather delicate situation." Agent Johnston stands up and puts the file under his arm. "The two of you will not be harmed and you will want for absolutely nothing but this is too big for both our country and science to simply let go, I'm sorry."

"Go buck yourself," I growl.

"Pony profanity, how cute," says Agent Johnson with a sad smile. With that, the two agents exit the interrogation room and lock the door behind them.

When they're gone, I slowly stand up from my seat. So that's it then. I'm going to be in the custody of the government for a while. That's...that's...

I let out a scream of pure emotional agony and despair as I try to flip the table. It's bolted to the floor as are the chairs so I can't even take my anger out on them. They're gone. My family is gone once again. Sure I'm back on Earth but once more ponies have COMPLETELY RUINED MY LIFE!!!

"WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST FREAKING LEAVE ME ALONE?!?!?!?" I shout to pretty much everybody. Ben, the cops, Celestia...

Celestia. The pony who I ironically enough want to see the most right now. If she can find me then she can get me out of this mess. But for now I feel... hopeless, like the whole world is crashing down on me. Well, it is.

With nothing else to do, I do what I haven't done in years to relieve some tension if I can. I didn't even do this when I was in Equestria but with everything that's happened to me...

I sit down facing a corner with my head in my hands and cry.

* * * *

I hear the door open sometime later. I've stopped crying by that point, I was really only going for about ten minutes, and I'm back on the chair. It's the two agents again. "What now?" I growl.

"It's time to move you two. We'll be taking you in a secure car to your temporary quarters." He begins idly spinning a pair of handcuffs. "I trust we don't need these?" I shake my head and stand up, allowing the two of them to escort me out of the room. It is a short journey though the police station to a large SWAT type van in the back of the station. We stop just outside of it, and I raise a hand to signal Agent Johnson.

"Hold it."

He stops and looks back at me. "Yeah?"

I motion with my head to the van. "Is she already in there?" He nods, and I return it. "Okay. Give me a second." I start taking deep breaths and rubbing my face, trying to get emotionally centered enough to see Rarity again. I can't be upset in front of her. I can't let her think that it's all wrong. I'm completely fine. Gotta make us both believe that.

After a few seconds, I deeply exhale, then nod to the agents. Agent Tanner opens the doors to the van and I step inside. To my relief Rarity is unsecured in any way, and she looks unharmed. She squeals in delight and relief when she sees me.

"Father!" she runs up to me and wraps my legs in a hug. "They didn't hurt you!"

"I'm fine," I say reassuringly. "Did they hurt you at all?"

Rarity shakes her head. "Oh no, not for a moment, even though I was worried that they would," she reassures me. "One of the officers at our arrest, Frank I believe his name was, was very insistent at that. He protected me from anything bad and had them stop asking me questions when I got too upset."

I can't help but manage a small smile at this as I sit down in the back of the van. It's good to know that somebody cares about more than just science. Rarity jumps up on the bench next to me and moves in closer to me allowing me to put an arm over her shoulders. "Where are they taking us, Father?" she asks.

"I don't know." I take a deep breath. "From what they've told me they're taking us to a place where we'll live and they'll learn all about us. They won't hurt us, I promise you." I'll kill anybody who tries.

"And what about your family? Will they let you out to see your parents or Aunt Kristen again?"

My silence doubtlessly tells her all she needs to know, but I try to respond anyway. "Uh, I'm sure that someday I'll get to see them again. Just not right now is all. They want to keep us a secret. It'll be easier and safer for us that way."

"Oh. Okay," says Rarity.

The ride to our new destination is thankfully pretty smooth which allows Rarity to get some much needed sleep. I hear her light snores after only ten or so minutes into the ride. Poor kid deserves it after everything that happened today. Not four hours ago she was relatively safe in my room. Now she's in the back of a van being taken who knows where so who knows what can happen to her. Of course, I'm kind of in the same boat--er, van--as she is.

Seeing the sleeping filly in my arm reminds me that I'm pretty friggin' tired too. I look around the van for anything resembling a blanket but find nothing so I just do my best to tilt my head back and get some sleep.

Author's Note

Yeah I know I had some pretty heavy moments in this. But you all know that I did that in the original story too so it isn't completely unlike one of these stories. I still intend mostly comedy with this and I had some in here like with the FBI and TD having to watch the entire series of My Little Pony.

A few more things before I get to writing the next chapter.
1. The next chapter of Wanderings will be here by Wednesday by the very, very, very latest.
2. Portraying Ben the way I did is not a commentary on Bronies and indeed, I see him as the super-minority in scenarios like that. Notice how the only people chasing TD in the car were the cops and any cop will chase you if you flee an interview.
3. I am not going for uber-realistic with TD's current situation. I have no idea if the gov't would go about something like this this way. it's just a story not meant to be taken too seriously. Please view it as such.
4. Please don't get into big arguments about the government or the content in the comments. It defeats the purpose of what I'm going for here.

So all that to say, I hope you enjoy the rest of the story! Yes I know this is deviation from what the story really was but 1. I planned this from the beginning so trust me. and 2. It's more interesting than nobody finding out, no?

An Unexpected Occurrence

I'm jarred awake a few hours later, if my watch is anything to go by but you never know with the government, when the van stops. I open my eyes a crack and see that Rarity is still nuzzled up beside me and out like a light. I decide to keep my eyes closed until they come to get us which should be any second now. I hear a little commotion outside and, sure enough, the back doors open.

"Okay, TD, let's go," says a voice I recognize as Agent Johnson's. I remain silent, determined to keep my slumbering masquerade going. I don't think he's buying it, though, because I hear him step into the van. "Let's go, TD."

"Shh, we're sleeping," I whisper.

Agent Johnson snorts. "Don't be cute; we have things to take care of."

"You're tearing me from my family," I say, opening one eye and shooting him a half glare. "I get to be 'cute' as much as I want."

Agent Johnson rolls his eyes. "Whatever, just get out of the van and you can be cute somewhere else."

I grumble a half-intelligible reply but I look over to Rarity and gently nudge her. "Hey, Rarity. It's time to get up. We're here."

Rarity groans quietly and rubs her eyes with her hooves before opening her eyes with a yawn.

"Oh that is just adorable," Agent Johnson whispers.

I glare at him but I can't really blame him much because he is kind of right. I decide it might be best to let Rarity sleep some more as my attempts at waking her up aren't the most successful. So, I pick her up and let her lean her head on my shoulder. "I'm on your schedule, agent," I say. "Not that I have any choice in the matter." I grumble the last part but I think that he either heard me or could guess what I was saying. Thankfully he doesn't comment on the matter so no conflict arises.

We are met by a few other FBI agents, including Agent Tanner, and led into an unassuming plain white building. We have to go through some metal detectors to make sure that Rarity isn't really a hydrogen bomb but since she isn't as far as I'm aware we're let through without too much of a problem.

Rarity shifts a bit in my arms but doesn't wake up. Agent Johnson keeps glancing over at her as if he's worried that she's going to fire up her horn and teleport away. I'd be okay with that now that I think on it. If she managed to get away somewhere... well, then would she be safe? Good grief this is more complicated than I'm caring for.

Since the building isn't that large the convoy arrives at what I assume will be our room until they can get something better figured out. Agent Tanner takes a key card out of her pocket and swipes it before punching in a six digit code quickly enough that I can't figure out what it is. "So you're locking us in. Charming."

"Again, temporary," says Agent Tanner. "Your next room will be less prison-like."

"But we still can't leave and I imagine you'll still lock us in at night."

Agent Tanner doesn't respond and she leads the two of us inside. To their credit the beds do look comfortable enough and there are the necessary facilities for us so that's a plus. I move over to the nearest bed and pull back the covers with one hand before putting her down on the bed and pulling the covers over her. She nuzzles the pillow and a contented smile washes over her face. Good, she's comfortable for now.

I eye the second bed and am about to ask if they might buzz off because it's not been a good day for me and the van wasn't very comfortable, but Agent Tanner speaks up first. "Before you go to bed I'm going to have to ask you to come with us. We have some basic questions to get to before we let you settle in for the night." I glance over at Rarity and Agent Tanner puts a hand on my shoulder. "We won't bother her, we promise."

I nod and follow the agents to a room where two scientists in lab coats are talking amongst themselves. I have to hold back a smirk as they look like their outfits were designed by Dr. Doofinshmirtz, a quip I might make to them at some point. The two look up when they see the three of us walk in and smile at me.

"Hello, Mr. Powell," says the first one, extending his hand. "I'm Dr. Allred and this is Dr. Lundgren." I vaguely consider more defiance but I'm too tired so I shake Dr. Allred's hand. Dr. Allred directs me to a chair and the two agents take their place by the door to fill their 'we look like awesome FBI agents' quota. The doctors take their seats opposite me with eager smiles. "So, you are the man who was taking care of the foal, correct?"

I nod. "Yeah. Rarity appeared in my room almost a month ago and I've been taking care of her ever since."

Dr. Lundgren jots down some notes and Dr. Allred nods. "I see," says Dr. Allred, "and how was that?"

"Pretty peaceful until I found myself in handcuffs in the back of a police car while Rarity cried into my shirt beside me," I deadpan.

Huzzah, the awkwardness levels have been doubled!, as Luna would supposedly say.

Dr. Lundgren clears his throat. "Er... yes that must have been something else," he says. "But aside from the more jarring experiences how was it?"

"There wasn't much to it," I admit. "We just did our own thing. she watched the show, did some repair work on my clothes, read some of my books, and hid when people came around. I did my RA duties and went to class between keeping her company."

"Surely you can elaborate more than that," said Dr. Allred.

"Not on this little sleep and not without more specific questions than 'how was it?'."

Dr. Allred frowns. "I suppose that's fair," he says. "How about another topic then." He stands up and grabs the staff I got in Canterlot which I hadn't noticed was leaning against the wall when I came in. "This sounds like a good place to start."

"What's there to tell? I got it for ten bits in a shop in Canterlot and it record prominent memories."

"And how does it work?" asks Dr. Lundgren.

"Magic," I say.

"That's all you can say about it?" asks Dr. Allred.

I open my mouth to respond but then one of my favorite kinds of thoughts shows up. The mischievously evil kind. "Well if you want details I suppose I can oblige." I lean back in my chair. "I walked into that special store in Canterlot because the unicorn mare beckoned me in. It was off the beaten path and I'm not sure that a lot of ponies go there so it must have been a pretty sketchy place. Once I was in she got my staff out but it was too small to use so she used her unicorn magic and my staff started growing until it was big enough."

"So unicorns know growing magic?"

"Like I said, this mare made my staff grow. Then she used some more unicorn magic to make it really hard, hard enough that it would be nearly impossible to break."

"I've heard that it records memories," says an oblivious Dr. Lundgren.

"Yep I've had some fond memories with that," I say. "It doesn't really do anything when you guys are handling it but the mare seemed to know what it was and what to do with it."

Dr. Allred opens his mouth to reply, but for whatever reason that last bit seems to have gotten through to him and he frowns. "That's not funny," he says.

"Yes it is," I assure them.

"No it isn't," Dr. Allred insists.

"It's a little funny," Dr. Lundgren mutters.

I chuckle slightly. "That aside, I wasn't lying about any of that. The shopkeeper went into a back room in her shop, she got the walking stick and used her magic to expand it until it was my size and used her magic to record my memories on it and make it nearly unbreakable."

"Nearly unbreakable?" says Dr. Allred. "So if we took an axe to this thing it wouldn't even scratch it?"

I shake my head. "Not to my knowledge, no."

Dr. Lundgren jots down a few more notes before closing his folder. "Okay, I think that's good enough for tonight to be honest. We just wanted some basic info but we need to gather more information on Equestria to really get some good questions."

"What episode are you on?"

"Four," says Dr. Allred.

I snort and stand up with them. I shake their hands one more time before allowing myself to be led out of the room once again, ready to be locked in for the night.

We reach the room pretty quickly and Agent Tanner once again punches in the six digit code allowing me access. When I walk in I'm surprised to see a simple black laptop computer on the desk in the room. I turn back with a curious glance and Agent Johnson smirks. "It's been altered so that you can't post anything but you can go pretty much anywhere on the internet within reason. We'll monitor all of your internet use so don't bother trying anything dumb. It'll also be a good way to catch up on any of the My Little Pony episodes you missed so you can help us out with what Equestria is like."

Oh yes, that. Goody. I glance at my watch but since it's only seven I decide that I can't hit the hay just yet. If I get internet on that thing then at least I can see how my family is doing.

"If you need anything, just press the button by the door," says Agent Tanner.

I nod and sit down at the desk. I heard the door close behind me just as I flip the laptop open. I glance behind me briefly to see that Rarity is still out like a light so that's good. She's going to need her rest for whatever comes.

I turn back to the laptop and go to Facebook. I can thankfully still log in but when I try to post a status, no dice. I frown. They really weren't lying about that.

I decide that it would be good to check on how my family is doing. I don't know if they know that I'm gone yet or what's going on or even if they're going to be posting about what they know, like if they've been told that I'm dead or something. It's almost worse than that when I see that nothing of the sort is posted. Noelle posts something about how school is going and Kristen says she hung out with friends. Mom and Dad went to see the new Die Hard with Tim and they said it was terrible but fun. They don't even know yet that they won't see me again, likely forever.

As I surf Facebook for a moment, the thought occurs to me that I'm still friends with Ben on Facebook. We were roommates and it was prudent to be friends on Facebook in case we needed to contact each other that way. Well, I decide to remedy that. I type his name in to the search bar at the top and go to his profile. Time to delete my dumb screw-up of a roommate who essentially ruined my life.

Before I click the unfriend button, his latest status catches my eye. My eyes move over so I can read it in full, and what is on the page surprises me. It's... quite shocking, actually.

I did something terrible today, probably ruined a guy's life forever because of it. Heck, I probably ruined his family's life too. I was stupid, I was selfish, and I was overzealous in what I wanted and I didn't stop to think of what it might do.

Dude, on the off chance that you're reading this, and I know how unlikely that is, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to go so far. I hope you and the one you're taking care of don't hate me forever. I deserve it, though. I hope you don't get more hurt because I was a dumb idiot who didn't think before he did stuff. Good luck.

I stare at the computer screen, hardly able to believe what I'm seeing. Part of me wonders whether it's the same guy who tried to beat me up to get to Rarity today, but I think it is. I guess after he got questioned by the FBI about it he realized how much he had screwed up my life. It's a little late for me, of course, but... I dunno, it's kind of nice to know that he feels terrible about it and that if he had to do it over he wouldn't have gone done it.

Hmm. I'll have to think on that some more.

Well after that I decide that I can't do anymore surfing on the web and those beds do look pretty comfy. I slip off my shoes and crawl into the bed they've provided for me. It’s not quite as comfortable as it looked, but it will serve my needs well enough. It isn't more than a few minutes before I've closed my eyes and fallen asleep.

A Day of Pony

I'm awoken by the sound of our door opening and two sets of feet walking into our room. I groan and put my pillow over my head, hoping that they'll get the idea and just leave us alone so we can sleep for a little while longer.

I hear Rarity yawn beside me so I lift my pillow and open my eye a crack to see her rubbing her eyes with a hoof to get the sleep out of them. Yeah, as non-Brony as I am, I'll never think that that image isn't obscenely adorable. Curse me for getting soft.

"Well you two, it's time to get up. You have a lot going on today," says the voice of Agent Johnson.

"Or you could let us go," I growl.

"Yeah, not going to happen," says Agent Tanner.

"Ever?" I hear Rarity ask sadly. To my amusement they don't respond to that one. I mean really, try looking a seven year old in the eye and tell them that you're never going to let them go. It just can't be done.

Agent Tanner clears her throat. "Uh, anyway, basically today is pretty simple despite its length. TD, you will be watching the first season of the show today with the team that isn't working with Rarity. Meanwhile Dr.s Allred and Lundgren will be working with Rarity today to see if she can't develop a little more of her magic and maybe test out what she already knows."

"Okay," I say with a yawn. I push myself up and sit up, scratching my chest as I do. I see that Rarity is far more awake than I am and she is sitting on her haunches trying to get her mane styled right.

"Uh, Rarity, can you possibly wait on styling your mane so that the doctors can see how you're doing it?" asks Agent Johnson.

"Absolutely not," says Rarity with a frown. "I refuse to be tested on like a trained monkey without looking my best."

I snort and stand up. Yeah, you don't live with a Powell for three weeks and not learn to snark. I'm surprised that the Crusaders didn't pick up some of it to be honest. Or maybe they did and I just never saw any of it.

However, Agent Tanner is not so impressed with the quip. "Rarity, it really would be best if you waited so we can learn from what you do."

Rarity scoffs and with a small burst from her horn, her mane is back to its normal curls. With that done, she shoots the agents a disapproving glare. "Just because you don't take a lot of pride in your appearance doesn't mean that I have to stoop to the same levels because I'm being held here against my will for the rest of my life. I mean really, darling, do you even try to make your mane look nice?"

Rarity: two, agents: zero. I smirk at the agents when they glance over to me and lick my finger before making two tally marks in the air.

"If you are so interested in finding out how my mane spells work then I will be more than happy to demonstrate one either yourself or one of the doctors," says Rarity. "Otherwise you can just move on to other forms of exploitation. I will not endure such abuses without looking like a proper lady."

Go Rarity, man. I kind of wish I could make the agents look as flustered as she so easily made them look just now. The agents unfortunately recover fairly quickly and silently beckon us out of the room. "Agent Tanner will take you to the viewing room where the staff is watching the show in about two minutes. I'll be taking Rarity to see Dr. Allred and Dr. Lundgren."

"Uh, can I opt out of watching the show? I mean... I kind of think it's dumb," I mutter.

"You forfeited your right to think it was dumb when you ended up in Equestria and Rarity showed up in a box in your room," says Agent Johnson. "Now follow me down this hallway."

I glance behind me to see that Rarity, despite her earlier bravado, is looking quite nervous at the thought of being alone with the doctors. I hold up a finger to halt the agents before leaning down to Rarity. "So, when they ask you to demonstrate your mane spell on them, what are you thinking of doing?" I whisper in her ear.

A small smile creeps onto her face. "I was thinking something like a hornet's nest that's been attacked by a baseball bat."

I give an amused snort. "That's what I thought." I stand up and smile fondly at Rarity. "You'll do great I'm sure. You just got to be brave."

"The same to you I'll wager," says Rarity.

"Touché," I chuckle.

"If you two are done, we'd like to begin," says Agent Tanner.

"Yeah, yeah," I grumble. "I'll see you later okay?"

"Have as good of a day as you can, father," says Rarity.

I nod but before I go I lean in to whisper into Agent Johnson's ear. "If you hurt one hair on her head, I'll snap your neck with my bare hands the second I get the chance, got it?"

"I wouldn't be spouting off things like that if I were you," growls Agent Johnson. "It would make things worse."

"It'll be worse for me but that won't change the fact that you're dead." I scoff. "All you have to do is not hurt her."

"I already said that we wouldn't."

"Then we'll have a few less problems with each other." I straighten back up and nod to Agent Tanner. She beckons me onwards and I follow her to what appears to be a kind of movie theater room. Inside are half a dozen scientists with lab coats and clipboards and a similar number of stoic FBI agents. Oh yeah, this is definitely the crowd you want to binge on a little girl's show with.

I am directed to a seat near the front which I am irritated to see have a pair of handcuffs attached to it. I glare at Agent Tanner. "Seriously?"

She sits me down and secures me to the chair. "Just a precaution."

"Oh sure, because I'm the kind of guy who could escape from half a dozen FBI agents that could all kill me with little more than a thought," I grumble.

"Just watch the show and I'll be back to get you around five tonight. Be sure you pay attention. I'll have you look over their notes when you get back to your room."

"Just call it what it is, Tanner, a cell."

Agent Tanner rolls her eyes and walks out of the room. I grumble impolite things to myself, most of which have to deal with Agent Tanner's mother and hygiene.

What little noise there is in the room is quieted when one of the scientists walks to the front of the room. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen. As I am sure you are all aware, there is a TV show called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Now I know some of you may or may not be Bronies or Pegasisters, but I'm hardly going to out anybody to the crowd." He chuckles at his lame joke but is the only one to do so. One of the agents coughs and the doctor chuckles nervously. "Yes, well, anyway, I'm sure you also know that we recently acquired one of the characters from the show, a unicorn filly named Rarity. In the show she is an adult mare, but she is merely a filly here in our world." He clears his throat and adjusts his glasses. "Now, it also pleases me to inform any of you who don't know that we have in our midst--"

"You mean custody," I shout out.

The doctor is flustered for a moment but otherwise he ignores my outburst. "So... yes, uh, we have in our midst a person who has actually been to the land that the ponies inhabit, a world that I am told is called 'Equestria'. We and he are here today to watch the show so we may gain a better understanding of their world and so that TD here can get a better understanding of what blanks need to be filled in, isn't that right, TD?"

"If I get out of here I'll stick that clipboard so far up your rear you'll cough up woodchips," is what I want to say but don't. I settle for a curt nod.

"Excellent." The scientist takes a pair of glasses out of his coat pocket and scans his clipboard. "Well I think that's everything. We'll be watching these in chronological order so we'll be starting with the pilot now." He leans in closer to his clipboard. "According to Wikipedia it is about when Twilight Sparkle learns that the evil Nightmare Moon will return during the upcoming Summer Sun Celebration after one thousand years of imprisonment on the moon. She tries to warn her mentor Princess Celestia, but the Princess ignores her and sends her to Ponyville to check on the preparations for the celebration. There Twilight reluctantly meets Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie for the first time. At the celebration, Nightmare Moon appears in place of a missing Princess Celestia and decrees everlasting night." The scientist giggles. "Now doesn't that sound exciting?"

"No," I mumble under my breath. Seriously, even a lot of Bronies think that the pilot episodes are kind of dumb. A quick glance around the room reveals that the FBI agents are thinking along similar lines which does make me feel a little better.

The scientist puts his glasses back in his coat pocket and starts up again. "So, without further ado, I present to you for your viewing pleasure 'The Mare in the Moon'."

This is gonna suck.

* * * *

Do you want to know something about when I said that it was going to suck? It turns out that I was absolutely correct. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't quite as painful as I thought it was going to be, but I still really don't see the appeal. The only truly interesting part to me was when Pinkie Pie thought that nobody was coming to her party so her second personality came out. It was creepy as all else, but from experience I can tell you that a Pinkie Pie that rocks in the corner muttering to herself is far less scary than a Pinkie Pie that chases you for breaking a Pinkie Promise.

Agent Tanner comes back in after that and frees me from the freaking handcuffs. I don't even know why she thought they would be necessary. It was probably for the mane quip that Rarity made this morning and, well, she can't do anything like that to Rarity.

Huh... that made a lot of sense, actually.

She beckons me out of the room and I dutifully follow her to what I surmise is my room. I'd be glad for it. After hours upon hours of pony I'm due for a rather stellar nap. Although, I'll stay up to hear about Rarity's day if she’s in the room when I arrive. That quip about snapping the neck of the first person who I got my hands on after one of them hurt Rarity was completely true and I hoped that he knew that.

Thankfully our intended destination is our room. Good, I couldn't do any interrogations today. I'm too out of it to realistically answer any questions about Equestria with the thoroughness that they'd doubtlessly require.

To my pleasant surprise I see that Rarity is in the room too. She is sitting on her haunches on the bed as if expectantly awaiting my arrival. She smiles widely at me when I walk in and I reply with a smirk of my own. Agent Tanner locks the door behind me and I plop down on the bed which has suddenly become thirty times as comfortable.

I hear Rarity jump off of her bed and onto mine. She nuzzles the back of my neck and then sits down next to me. "So, how was your day?" she asks.

I groan. "Nine hours of nothing but ponies takes its toll on a guy." I roll my head to the side enough to glance up at her. "Oh and the fact that I was handcuffed to the chair and given meals that probably came out of boxes labeled 'suitable for military and prison use' didn't help either."

Rarity clicks her tongue. "Well that does sound taxing," she says. "I have to admit that it was worse than mine, though only a little. They put these sensors on my head and then had me cast the few spells that I knew so the machine I was hooked up to could register something or other. In all honesty I'm not even sure they knew what they were measuring. I did give Agent Tanner a rather nice beehive manecut though, so that was fun."

"I take it that was the reason she was so grumpy when she came to get me?"

Rarity shrugs. "That might have had something to do with it, yes. Agent Johnson for his part could barely hide his laughter."

I smirk. "Good on ya," I say.

I try but completely fail to stifle a large yawn, something that Rarity doesn't fail to notice. "I think now is a good time for bed then, yes?"

I nod and she hops off of my bed allowing me to slide under the covers. I glance over at her to see that she's hopped up on her pillow and, to my vague irritation seeing as how I've done nothing but watch the show all day, Rarity begins sliding under the covers the exact same way that show Rarity did in episode eight.

Why do I know that, I didn't ever want to be able to recall facts like that!!

Oh well, the sandman has me under his spell soon enough and I find myself in dreamland not a moment too soon.

It's About Time!

Six months later

My eyes flutter open as I hear the door to our room open up. I don't need to see them to know that it is the agents again. I've given up on telling them to leave me alone so that I can wake up when my body tells me that it's ready for me to wake up so I push myself up and sit on my bed. I see that Rarity is still being defiant about her sleep as she has used her magic to pull the covers over her head.

"Come on you two, it's time to get up," says Agent Johnson.

"Time for more experimentation?" I say with a yawn. "You still haven't found out anything about how my staff works, have you?"

"We think we might be close to an explanation," says Agent Tanner.

"It's magic, it doesn't have to be explained by anything; not that you're smart enough to realize that." I stand up and walk over to the dresser where my clothes are stored.

In the course of the past six months they have moved us to a new facility and given us a far better room than one that's plain white with a desk and two beds. Rarity has an entire workshop in our large room where she can work on her designs and I've been given a TV and even an X-Box with all of the games I could want. I have to admit that when I play the Batman Arkham games I pretend that I'm Batman and the people I'm fighting are all of the people who work here. It feels nice to walk up behind 'Agent Tanner' and slam her to the ground and punch her in the face.

I decide on a simple pair of blue jeans and a black shirt, and put my shoes and socks on. "What's on the agenda for today?" I ask.

"Well, today Rarity will be demonstrating her gem finding spell again and you'll be going through a few more interviews about Equestria."

"Repetition is good for apathy I see," I deadpan.

"You know you can make the best of this if you want to," Agent Tanner growls.

I shoot her a 'are you kidding me?' kind of look and scoff. "Let's just get this over with," I grumble. I walk over to where Rarity is and pull her covers off. "Let's go, the slave drivers are at it again."

"Oh do be a dear and tell them to kindly go put their shoes on the wrong feet and run two miles," mumbles Rarity.

I shrug and look up at the agents. "Rarity says that you should put your--"

"Yes I heard her!" snaps Agent Tanner. "Must we do this every day?!"

"You told my parents that I was dead. I'm thinking yes."

"You know we can go back to handcuffs and force whenever you want," says Agent Tanner angrily. "That goes for the both of you!"

"And I'm telling you that I'd break you neck the moment I had the opportunity if you did that to her!" I say.

"They'd give you the needle for that," she growls.

"Even better," I retort. "We'd both be dead and really, what do attempts cost me? Would I be imprisoned?" I pause for dramatic effect. "Oh wait, that's already happening! Oh and if I'm executed then my family isn't believing a lie anymore, I really am dead!"

Rarity is out of bed and sitting down nervously. It's almost as if she suspects this will come to blows. Again, I'd be fine with that. If I didn't have any problem punching Celestia then I'm sure as heck not going to miss the chance to give the Tooth Fairy cause to drop by Agent Tanner's house. Although, judging by her expression she's having similar thoughts right now.

Agent Johnson seems far more level headed, though. "Look, guys, do we have to do this again?"

"Yep," I say. Truth be told this is far from the first tiff that Agent Tanner and I have had. Being imprisoned by somebody with as little patience as she has is taking its toll on the both of us. I hate her attitude and she hates my snarkiness that comes as a result of that attitude. Seeing some depressing Facebook posts from the last few days isn't helping either.

Agent Tanner's glare intensifies and she takes out a pair of handcuffs. "Last chance to do this the easy way."

I look at the handcuffs for a moment, open my mouth and inhale.

Ten minutes later I find myself sitting in front of Dr. Allred and Dr. Lundgren with said handcuffs on my wrists. They look rather confused at that as they've never seen me with them on. "Why are you wearing handcuffs, TD?" asks Dr. Allred.

"Because Agent Tanner has a stick so far up her rear she has to be on a liquid diet because it's preventing her from swallowing solid food."

The doctors exchange an uneasy look before Dr. Lundgren clears his throat. "Uh... that sounds... taxing," he says.

I open my mouth to retort but i feel a lump building up in the back of my throat. My mouth flops up and down and to my surprise the first traces of tears begin to appear in my eyes. I groan and put my head in my hands. I can't freaking do this in front of them. I can't l-let them see me...

"TD... are you okay?" asks Dr. Allred.

I actually do have to wipe my eyes with the back of my hand before I answer. "I..." I clear my throat. "I was looking at Facebook last night." I have to take a few deep breaths before continuing on. "My memorial service was yesterday. You know, the one that they had to have because all they found of me was a torn up shirt."

The two doctors are silent so I take another deep breath and continue on. "One post on a family friend's profile was a particular gem: 'went to TD's memorial service earlier today. His family was all crying as they said their goodbyes to him. Kristen in particular seemed the most inconsolable. I ask for you all to keep the Powells in your thoughts and prayers.'."

"Oh TD that's--"

He is cut off as my head snaps up and I shoot them a furious glare. "IS IT WORTH IT?!" I screech. "IS YOUR BUCKING SCIENCE PROJECT WORTH MAKING MY FAMILY GO THROUGH THAT?!"

Both doctors back up and can only look at me with frightened glances. Somehow it only makes me angrier. With a scream of fury I begin wailing on the table in front of me, shouting frankly impressive obscenities at everybody who pops into my mind right now. In all honesty I doubt that either doctor blames me, though they obviously don't care enough to let me and Rarity go. At this point I think my family would be so happy to see me alive that they'd take Rarity in if I asked them to. That and I think we'd move to Canada.

Well my shouts of fury don't go unheard and Agent Tanner bursts into the room with, of all things, her freaking gun drawn. I wheel about and fix her with my angry gaze. "GO AHEAD! SHOOT ME, PAINT THE FREAKING WALLS WITH MY BRAINS YOU STUCK UP HIGH AND MIGHTY--"

"TD IF YOU DON'T SIT DOWN I CAN MAKE SURE YOU NEVER SEE RARITY AGAIN!!" she screams.

"And I told you that if--"

"I know what you told me," she says menacingly. "I'm telling you to sit down and behave or I can make things more difficult for you than I can imagine."

"More difficult than having to find out my family is emotionally devastated by my supposed death that you orchestrated?"

"TD I am giving you three seconds, I repeat, three seconds to sit down or I'll make sure you spend the next week in a room the size of your shower!"

It's at this point that Dr. Allred clears his throat and speaks up. "Um... maybe now isn't the best time for questions. I think we should do this another day."

"He's going to do what I ask him to," says Agent Tanner. "You can question him."

Dr. Lundgren sighs and puts his clipboard on the table. "No."

Agent Tanner looks at the doctors in disbelief. "No?!"

"That's right," says Dr. Allred with a nod. "We're not going to make this more difficult for him. The man just had to endure seeing his family distraught beyond belief because they think they've lost him; his parents had to bury their child and his sibling had to lose somebody she grew up with."

"We are not going to be so cold hearted that we ask him about an experience where he was torn from his family the first time," says Dr. Lundgren. "So if you could remove TD's handcuffs and take him back to his room; we're giving him the next week off and we'll probably give Rarity a few as well."

Agent Tanner's jaw drops and her gun lowers ever so slightly. "You...you don't have the power to do that," she says.

"Yes we do," says Dr. Lundgren. "The president himself put us in charge of TD's questioning. If we want to give him the month off we have the right to do that."

"If you want to contest our decision, take it up with him," says Dr. Allred. "Until that time, would you please take TD's handcuffs off and return him to his room."

Agent Tanner's jaw moves up and down as if she'd like to hold the doctors at gunpoint and force them to question me about Equestria. Instead, she slowly lowers her gun and puts it away before taking my handcuffs off. "Follow me, then," she says curtly.

"If she makes things difficult just let us know," says Dr. Allred.

I glance over at the two and chuckle slightly. I break away from Agent Tanner and walk up to the two of them and shake their hands. "Thanks," I say. "I...I needed that. Sorry if I scared you."

"You have absolutely nothing to apologize for," says Dr. Lundgren. "You never have."

I smirk and nod before giving them a slight two fingered salute. I then turn around and follow Agent Tanner back to my room. She is silent the whole walk back and I can tell that she'd desperately love to give me a what for but she doesn't want to get into trouble. I imagine that if she went off on me she'd never hear the end of it from a lot of people including, apparently, the president. Who'da thunk that?

Agent Tanner opens the door to my room and I walk in without a word. She closes the door behind me and I hear it lock. I make a beeline for the X-Box. It's time for BatTD to wail on some Agent Tanner Joker minions.

After several hours of vaguely gratifying beatdowns, I hear the door code being punched in and the door opening behind me. I turn around expecting to see Rarity being escorted in, but instead I see that Agent Johnson has just walked in. To my surprise, he appears to be holding two beers. Curious, I stand up and walk up to him.

"I thought you could use a little pick-me-up after today," he says, extending one of the beers. I gratefully accept it. Ohh, Guinness.

I open the beer and sit down on my bed to drink it while Agent Johnson puts the other one on a nearby desk. He pulls the chair out and spins it to face me before sitting down. "I'm sorry about what happened today," he says.

I take another swig. "She's kind of a jerk, isn't she?" To put it lightly.

Agent Johnson sighs and nods. "I guess she can be." he says. "Though I imagine you'll be happy to know that she's being reassigned."

I raise my eyebrow. "Indeed?"

"Yep. After today the higher-ups decided that she wasn't contributing to a positive environment for you or Rarity. She's getting moved and I'm getting a new partner." Agent Johnson chuckles. "It's probably the first time in history where one of the qualifications for a job like this is 'Brony'."

I roll my eyes and take another sip of beer. "Wonderful."

Agent Johnson frowns. "We're going to make sure that my new partner isn't going to do anything rash. Anybody that replaces Agent Tanner isn't going to go all fanboy on Rarity." He looks slightly uncomfortable for a moment. "Because 'doesn't think Rarity is best pony' is another requirement."

I snort and shake my head. "I take it that you don't then?"

He shakes his head. "I was always more of an Applejack man myself. You?"

"Having known them in real life I can say without a doubt that I prefer the company of Cheerilee and the kids in the show to any princess or member of the Mane Six."

"Yes I heard that Applejack, Rainbow, and Twilight attacked you."

"To be fair I did just punch Celestia in the face," I concede. "But let's not forget that Pinkie Pie set me on fire and Rarity put a freezing spell on me." I glance at the door. "And that's something that I haven't told this one."

"I wouldn't either," says Agent Johnson with a smirk.

I snort and drink more beer. Even the wonderful taste of alcohol doesn't completely dull the experience of what I saw on Facebook yesterday and I know that Agent Johnson notices.

"I'm sorry about your family," he says.

"It's completely your fault, you know," I retort. "It's not like Ben who had ponylust and wishes he could take it back, it was a deliberate action on your part."

"I know," says Agent Johnson sadly. "We did things for them like pay off everything we could think of: house, cars, college, credit card debt, stuff like that."

"That'll fill the hole that my 'death' made."

"It's the best we can do," says Agent Johnson simply.

"No, it's the best you're willing to do," I reply. "You have it in your power to just let me go and that would be the end of it but you don't."

"You know why, TD," says Agent Johnson.

"Yep. You aren't doing it so you can keep exploiting Rarity and I." I drain the beer completely and Agent Johnson hands me the other one. I accept it and open it up. "What's gonna happen when Celestia and the rest of them come to get her?"

"We'll try to facilitate peace between us, see what we can learn to--"

"Don't gimmie that," I say. "How pissed do you think they're gonna be that you imprisoned us? You'll be lucky if they don't level the whole place."

"Somehow I don't see Celestia doing that."

"Half of the Mane Six tossed me around like a rag doll for throwing a half punch at Celestia. It isn't her I'd worry about."

Agent Johnson is silent for a moment as he contemplates my words. "You do know that if they come for her then it would be in your best interests to go back to Equestria with them, right?"

Now it is my turn to be silent. I begin taking more frequent sips of beer while I think about it. "Yeah," I say. "I do know. I've known since day one here that I'd have to go back if they came for her. Heck, they'd probably make me go back." I finish off the second beer and crush the can. "You only treat me this well because Rarity is here and I can only give you so much information about Equestria. What happens when she's not here and I run out of things to tell you? I'd be too much of a liability for you to just let me go."

"I think you'd find yourself in a similar situation to one you're in now," says Agent Johnson. "We'd house you and you get a government pension to live off of."

"At the end of the day I'm still locked in a room," I mutter.

Agent Johnson sighs and stands up. "I'm sorry that it has to be this way," he says. "Truly I am."

"Sure you are," I say sarcastically.

Agent Johnson ignores my tone. "I have to get back to Rarity and the other scientists now. Like always if you need anything--"

"Press the button."

"Yeah... press the button."

With that, Agent Johnson opens the door and leaves the room, locking me in once again.

* * * *

The next afternoon sees me in the shower.

Rarity has been taken away to do more research, but they've assured me she'll have a half-day today. I'm tossing around seeing if she can't figure out how to use her magic to play X-Box. I'd be curious to see how she dealt with the Batman games, though they might be a little violent for her. Having said that, she has watched me play them a bunch of times. She, of course, made a bunch of comments on the fashion of the characters, especially ones like Harley Quinn and Two Face. "I understand the need for a dual theme, but really, he couldn't have done any better than that? I could whip up something better with my eyes closed." I chuckle to myself at those memories and decide on actually letting her play. She's expressed a touch of interest in it.

I stand in the shower just letting the hot water pour over me. It feels rather nice after the taxing day that I had yesterday. That and the water pressure is far nicer than the water pressure than my shower at school so that's a plus.

I stand in the shower for a few more minutes before I hear a strange noise in my room. It sounds as if somebody has walked in and is talking. A bunch of somebodies actually. I frown and turn the water off but the voices aren't any clearer.

I dry off and wrap the towel around my waist before exiting the bathroom and having a heart attack that is brought on by both elation and utter shock.

There in front of me, looking around the room are Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, and Applejack, the latter five of which are wearing their Elements.

...huh.

Royalty, Revenge, and Wingboners

So, the princesses and the rest of the Mane Six are in my room. Well, it is about time, but isn't it odd that my first thought is questioning why they couldn't have come BEFORE I had to watch every episode of My Little Pony three times? Yeah, I think I've seen the series more than most Bronies now. Oh well. They're here now and that's really all that matters to me.

"So," I say levelly, "How are you?"

To my surprise, the only response I get is from Rainbow Dash whose eyes travel to my bare chest. I'm unsettled to see a growing look of unease and discomfort on her face.

"Uh, Rainbow, is something the--"

Suddenly Rainbow Dash's wings flare out upright with a little *ping* noise, causing Twilight and Applejack to take nervous steps back.

Friggin' wingboners, man.

I of course respond by shrinking back and covering my chest with my arms. "Rainbow, what the heck?!" I yell.

The rest of the ponies in my room have quite the similar reaction as all of them are looking at Rainbow Dash with utter bewilderment on their faces. Join the club, I didn't know she swung that way either.

However, Rainbow Dash takes it upon herself to lighten the mood by breaking out into rambunctious laughter and folding her wings back at her side. "Oh lighten up, TD; you should have seen the looks on all of your faces!"

"Rainbow Dash, we are not here for comedy!" says Twilight chidingly.

Pinkie Pie's eyes widen. "We're not?!" she says. "Then what are we here for?!"

"We're here to get Rarity, sugar cube," says Applejack. "You know, the reason we have our Elements 'round our necks?"

Pinkie Pie giggles and waves her hoof at Applejack dismissively. "Of course I know that, silly filly," she says. "I was just--"

"Okay, can we not do this right now?!" I yell. The ponies all turn their attention to me and I glare at them. "Look, it's great that you came to get Rarity, it really is. I've frankly been waiting for you for seven months!"

"Yes and I am sorry about that," says Celestia. "It took a long time to figure out how to get the portal stable enough that all of us could go through."

"Yes, yes, whatever," I say with a wave of my hand. "What matters now is that you're here and you can go back to Equestria with Rarity."

"Do you know where she is?" asks Princess Celestia, speaking up for the first time.

"Yeah the scientists should be experimenting on her right now," I say causally. "Let me get dressed and I'll take you to her."

The ponies gasp at the information as I walk over to the dresser to get some clothes out so I can leave the room without shame. Of course I imagine that they're going to be a tad less shocked when I mention that Rarity hasn't been harmed, but hey, if they're going to keep me here for a while then I might as well give them a few heart attacks.

Luna is the first one to get over her shock and speak up. "So... when thou says that dear Rarity is being experimented on, thou means..."

I motion for the ponies to turn around while I get into some clothes and they oblige. "I mean that they have her hooked up to a bunch of machines and are measuring her magical output. You know, kind of like Twilight did for Pinkie Pie and her Pinkie Sense." Gosh darn it I hate that I know that.

"Has anyhuman hurt her?" asks Rainbow angrily. "I'll kick their plots into the next century of they have!"

"Not to my knowledge, no," I say. "Don't worry, I've already promised to kill whoever does."

"Can you take us to her," asks Celestia. "I imagine that we are short on time if we are to take the two of you back to Equestria without incident."

I don't respond to her questioning. I instead lean on the dresser and look at the floor. This is it. I had a good run back on Earth but now I have to bucking go back to Equestria, this time for good. The government isn't going to just let me go if Rarity is gone and my family already thinks that I'm dead. Secretly I've always known that it would come to this. But now that it's actually here...

"TD?" says Fluttershy softly. "Are you okay?"

I sigh and turn around to face the plethora of ponies. "Nope," I respond. "Let's go get Rarity."

The ponies exchange uneasy looks but thankfully enough they don't question my mood. Instead Twilight turns around and uses her magic to open up the door to my room but is surprised to find that it doesn't open. "Why is the door locked?" she asks me. "Were you two prisoners or something?"

"That's exactly what the case is," I confirm. "This was going to be the place that Rarity and I spent the rest of our existence. If you would be so kind as to disintegrate the door I would be most pleased."

Twilight frown as she examines the door. "Surely we don't need to do all of that," she says. "I think I can figure out a way to open it without damaging it."

I sigh and shrug. "If that's what you want to do," I say.

"Do not worry, TD," says Celestia. "My student is quite adept at puzzles like this one. I'm sure she will have us out of here in no time."

"We could just teleport out," suggests Rainbow.

"No, no, I want more of a challenge," Twilight insists.

"That's nice," I say as I walk over to my bed and take off the uppermost sheet.

"I mean, I'm sure I can learn a lot about your culture if I attempt to figure out things like this."

"Uh-huh." I begin twisting the sheet into a rat tail and when it is good enough, I walk up behind Twilight. Before anybody else in the room can react, I swing the makeshift whip down and crack the tip right across Twilight's plot. With a yelp the startled unicorn involuntarily fires a blast of magic out of her horn which hits the door and blows it right off of its hinges. "Are you all ready to go find Rarity?" I ask

Twilight wheels around to face me with rage burning in her eyes. "TD THAT WAS--"

"We can discuss it later when I'm done trading one prison for another," I say blankly.

Celestia frowns as I begin walking out the destroyed door. "TD, this isn't--"

"The time or place to discuss this," I interrupt. "Let's just get this over with."

The cartoon equines all look at each other again but since I'm the one who knows his way around the facility they follow me or rather, most of them follow me and Applejack trots up to my side. "So how is Rarity?" she asks.

"Eight years old," I reply.

Everybody around me gasps. "The spell de-aged Rarity?" asks Luna.

"That's part of 'she wasn't eight when she came here but now that she is here she's eight'," I respond dryly.

I imagine that the royal sisters exchange a look at that, especially since I'm positive that Celestia has something to do with my current predicament, but i can't be bothered with just how Celestia screwed up this time. I have to get to Rarity. Who knows? They might not be so welcoming to her if they think that Twilight is going to turn them into ash for daring to do exactly what they did. Part of me hopes that she does, particularly if Agent Tanner is still here. Hoo boy, I pity her if she is. I'm going to recommend several types of bodily changes for her if she is.

The Elements, Princesses, and I continue walking down the hall toward where I think Rarity is when we all hear a shout of 'stop' behind us. We turn around to see, of all people, Agent Johnson and Agent Tanner walking up to us. "Wonderful," I grumble.

Agent Johnson gets closer and stops just before he gets to Luna. His eyes are wide with wonder at seeing pretty much every major character from the show standing right in front of him. "Uh... hi," he says.

Celestia frowns at the agent. "May we help you?" she asks.

I see him mouth 'wow' before he manages to get enough brain power to respond. "Uh, I'd just like to ask you if I can help you. You see, since you're here then we can help both of our cultures get a better understanding of the others. I mean, Rarity doesn't know much magic but you, you raise the sun and the moon!"

The princesses exchange a glance before Luna looks back to the agents. "It is our understanding that you imprisoned TD Powell and Rarity here. Is there truth to these accusations?"

"Look, it was just in the interest of science and the safety of both of them!" says Agent Tanner. "You should have seen how the common folk reacted to her, it was a nightmare."

I decide that now would be as good a time as any to pipe up. "Yeah well you didn't treat us that amazing either," I retort. "Especially not you. I didn't quite appreciate all of the times you handcuffed me to a chair and forced me to watch the show over and over again."

The eyes of all of the ponies darken at this and the agents take a step back. "You deliberately humiliated TD for no other reason than your own amusement?" says Rainbow Dash venomously.

"N-No!" Agent Tanner insists. "We needed him to watch the show so he could fill in the blanks about your world!"

"And the handcuffs were oh-so necessary for that, right?" says Twilight.

The two agents look at each other uneasily but Agent Johnson works up the nerve to speak again. "If you want Rarity, she's with Dr. Allred and Dr. Lundgren getting a CAT scan. You're pretty close; you just need to go down the hall and to the right."

"Thank you," says Celestia.

The ponies turn to leave, but I stop them. "Hold on for a moment." I walk up to Agent Johnson and reach into his jacket and pull out his gun. He doesn't resist--probably because the ponies would obliterate him if he did--and I move on to Agent Tanner. She is not so willing to go down without a fight and I see her reach into her jacket for her own gun. Anticipating this, I point Agent Johnson's at her head. "Go ahead, make my day," I growl. Admittedly I inwardly squee. I've kind of always wanted to say that.

Agent Tanner gets the idea and slowly puts her gun on the ground instead of blowing me away with it. I give her a slight nod and pick it up before turning the safety on and putting it in my pocket. I return to the ponies who look at me quizzically. "What was that fer?" asks Applejack.

"Just making sure that they don't try anything dumb," I say.

"Why? What do those do?" asks Fluttershy.

"It's a gun," I explain. "It fires a projectile called a bullet at extreme speeds and the force of the impact tears whatever it hits apart. The guns I got from them are some of the less powerful ones out there."

"I can see why you found it necessary to take them, but I trust you will not use them?" says Celestia.

"I hope not," I say. I really hope not. I'd rather not have somebody's blood on my hands as a final act on Earth.

As the group walks towards where Rarity is, Agent Johnson calls down the hall after us. "Princess Luna, I think you are best princess!" he says.

I roll my eyes and shake my head, but Luna seems confused by his outburst. "Pray tell, TD, is it customary on your world for articles to be ignored when addressing royalty? Wouldn't it be more proper to say 'the best princess'?"

"It's a Brony thing," I grumble. "Just ignore it."

Surprisingly enough, the journey towards Rarity is pretty uneventful. I'd have expected to see at least five or six security guards here, but the halls are completely bare. Sure there are a few cameras around and as such I know that they know that the ponies are here, but they haven't come after us yet which is... unsettling to say the least. Maybe since Rarity and I were so docile they felt that they didn't need a lot of people to guard us? That wouldn't make sense, though, because I doubt that the staff here has dwindled to the two doctors and the two agents.

Well, whatever the reason is, we reach the room where Rarity is unopposed. I try the door and see that it is locked so I stand aside and let Twilight disintegrate the door again. I am the first inside the room to rescue Rarity and the things that I see in there shed light on why we didn't see anybody in the halls. No less than a dozen agents are in the room, pointing their guns at me while one literally has his gun trained on a crying Rarity while the doctors nervously stand to the side.

Well... that isn't optimal.

"Drop the gun," says one of the agents. I hear the slightest hint of nervousness in his voice which is the only reason I don't. "Drop the gun and this doesn't have to get ugly."

"Too late for that," I reply. "You have the Elements of Harmony and two immortal goddesses on the other side of what used to be this door. If Rarity gets a scratch then they'll need a broom to clean you up."

The agents all exchange a few troubled glances. "Look, if you drop the gun we can work something out," says the lead agent. "You won't get in trouble and Rarity won't get hurt. You just need to drop the gun and tell the ponies on the other side that they need to promise us that we won't use any magic against us. If you do that, then nobody gets hurt."

"Do you think we are not already using magic?" says the voice of Princess Celestia. "You could fire your guns at TD and Rarity all day and neither would get a scratch."

"You sure about that, Princess Celestia?" asks the agent. "I doubt that your magic has dealt with state-of-the-art human weaponry before. If our man pulls that trigger then Rarity is dead before she hits the ground."

"And you with her!" screeches Twilight.

"Then you see our problem!" says the agent. "We can talk about this like civilized beings, Princess."

Celestia is silent for a moment before responding. "Do know that if we wanted to, Luna or myself could wipe you from existence without a thought. If it were not for our wish to harm none of you, you would all be long dead."

"Then we'll talk about this?" says the agent.

"I'm listening," says Celestia.

"Princess you can't deal with them! They just want to keep Rarity!" says Twilight.

"We will not let harm befall anybody," says Celestia. "They know the price if Rarity gets so much as a scratch."

"Okay here's the deal," says the agent. "We'll take you all into temporary custody while we contact our president. He will then talk to the Princesses and figure something out from there. We are not arresting you; we just want to take you somewhere until we get this settled."

"What would be the benefit for us if we agreed to such a deal?" asks Luna. "It seems to Us that it is rather one-sided in your favor, is it not?"

"My sister is right," says Celestia. "I do not see the point of agreeing to your terms."

"Yeah, they're the princesses!" says Rainbow Dash confidently. "They could bring the sun down on the planet if they wanted to!"

"Well I wouldn't go quite that far," says Celestia.

"Do you have a better alternative?" asks the agent.

"Yes. You give us TD and Rarity and we'll take them back to Equestria. You imprisoned them against their will and as such, I do not see why we should allow you any reason to benefit from this. You have exploited the two of them enough."

The lead agent takes a deep breath and shifts his gaze over to me for a brief moment. "How about we give you one and keep the other?"

"No," says Celestia sharply. "I repeat that you exploited them enough."

"We were just trying to expand our scientific horizons," says another agent. "Wouldn't you do the same?"

"NO!" says every single pony on the other side of the door at once.

"Not like that!" says Twilight.

"Were they in yer custody willingly?" asks Applejack. "Did ya ever ask 'em if they wanted to help you out with yer fancy science?"

"Speaking as the victim, I can say that Rarity and I most certainly did not want to be here," I say.

"Well I think that settles the matter, then," says Celestia. "You will let Rarity and TD go and you shall cease exploiting them. You have learned enough from us. I daresay that we will not be returning to your universe."

"We can't let Rarity go," says the agent. "We're under orders from the president himself. If you don't want her hurt then I suggest that you try to compromise."

"What, are you gonna kill her if we don't give up, is that it?!" asks Rainbow Dash angrily.

It's at this point that Dr. Allred speaks up. "If you'll excuse me for saying so, none of us agreed to turn this into a hostage situation. If I had known that you were going to pull this crap then we would have gotten Rarity to TD a long time ago."

"You aren't in control right now, doctor," says the agent angrily. "We're under orders to keep Rarity here and if we have to do it this way then we'll do it this way."

I silently watch as Rarity continues crying on the table. To my horror, I see the agent's gun move from her head to her leg. "They're gonna shoot her in the leg!" I call out to the ponies.

"If I hear any horns fi--" The agent's voice cracks and he clears his throat. "Firing up then she gets one in her left foreleg!" the agent shouts. Rarity squeals in fear which, frankly just seals it for me.

Yeah, I'm close enough to be accurate. "You'd better be good with your protection spell, Celestia," I grumble to myself. With that, I raise my gun and shoot the agent pointing his gun at Rarity right in the shoulder because seriously, screw that guy. He falls to the ground with a howl of pain.

"He's attacking, bring him down!" shouts the lead agent.

Have you ever seen a wall of bullety death coming towards you? The kind that is the result of a dozen or so FBI agents firing at you for attacking one of their own because he was gonna shoot a freaking child? Well, I have now. Let me tell you it would be kind of terrifying if bullets weren't so fast that I didn't have time to comprehend what might be my imminent death. Huh.

Well as it turns out Celestia is as good as her word and the bullets all harmlessly bounce off of me. Why she couldn't just count on this in the first place, I don't know. Whatever the case may be, it's hit the fan and now a dozen FBI agents with empty guns are about to face the wrath of the Elements of Harmony and two angry goddesses. I'll imagine that it wouldn't be one of their better days.

The Elements are the first ones into the room. Applejack is quick to deliver a powerful kick to the nearest agent and he goes down with a howl of pain and I imagine a broken leg or two. Twilight uses her magic to turn the guns of all of the agents into water and as a result, the agents are now facing the wrath of the ponies completely unarmed. Rainbow Dash is pinballing from agent to agent, alternating between kicks and punches that quickly subdue them. Applejack has broken a few more legs by this point and Pinkie Pie is unloading her party cannon into the crowd, tying up the agents who have fallen with multicolored streamers. I imagine that the only reason the princesses aren't joining right in is because they know they'd kill them if they did.

Well the ponies are pretty quick and as a result all twelve of them are incapacitated in moments. Satisfied that we're pretty much good for now, I look around the room to see that Dr. Allred has a now bawling Rarity in his arms and is using himself as a human shield to protect her from any harm. Once again I find myself grateful to him for things like that.

When he realizes that the ponies have won, he turns back around and gently places Rarity on the floor. She instantly runs over to me and I put my gun down and wrap her in a comforting hug. "Father! They were gonna hurt me!" she wails. "I thought that they said that they weren't going to!"

"I know," I say. "And believe me, if they had tried then that agent wouldn't be shot in the shoulder, he'd be dead."

The room is silent save for the groans of the injured agents and the sobbing of Rarity. The Princesses are busy making sure that the agents aren't going anywhere and healing a few of the more major wounds. They'll all need to take a few weeks to recover, though.

As the agents are being dealt with, Applejack walks over to me. "Beggin' yer pardon, TD, but did Rarity here call ya 'father'?"

Rarity wipes her eyes with her hoof and rotates her head so she is facing Applejack. "Yes that's the role he's been playing for me since I arrived. I know he isn't my real father."

I'm about to respond, but I hear Twilight angrily addressing the scientists. "So, you're the ones who have been experimenting on Rarity?!"

Dr. Lundgren takes a deep breath and holds his hands up in a placating gesture. "I want you to know that we never hurt her," he says. "We would never even consider it. If she got to the point where she didn't like what we were doing we stopped at once."

Celestia walks up to Rarity and I. "Is that true?" she asks.

Rarity takes a deep breath and slowly nods. "They weren't mean to me at all," she says. "Some of them were quite kind, actually."

"I can back that up," I respond. "When I found out my family thought that I was dead, they gave me a week off to recover despite what Agent Tanner wanted."

"You don't need to hurt them," says Rarity.

"And we won't," says Celestia. She turns to the other Elements. "Come, we must find an empty room to create the portal back to Equestria."

"If you go down the hall there is an empty conference room three doors down on your left. It should be perfect for what you need," says Dr. Lundgren.

"Thank you," says Celestia.

I nod and bend down to get the gun. I turn the safety on and put it in my other pocket before grabbing Reginald, which is leaning against one of the back walls, and following the ponies out of the room.

The halls are just as empty as before. That's probably because the security staff is now nursing several broken bones and concussions. I find myself relatively uncaring about that as a matter of fact. I am glad that they didn't hurt the scientists, though. Yes they did experiment on Rarity but they do seem to genuinely be trying to make up for that. The behavior of the agents shocked them and made them begin to understand that what they were doing wasn't worth it, I think.

We reach the conference room in a few moments and are about to open the door to begin the journey home but we hear, of all things, a gun cocking beside us. We turn and see friggin' Agent Tanner walking down the hall with what appears to be a shotgun in her hands and a look of fury on her face.

Huh, so not only is she a jerk but she's an incredibly dense one too. Go figure.

"I can't let you leave!" she calls out. "I'm under orders to not let TD or Rarity leave this facility."

I am about to mention that the last twelve agents who tried this crap are now completely incapacitated, but before I can a yellow blur speeds past my head, coming to rest in front of Agent Tanner.

Fluttershy.

She hovers in front of the vindictive agent for a few moments and to my surprise Agent Tanner begins convulsing slightly, as if... ah, I think I get it now. I do not envy her at this moment. Few beings could stand up to Fluttershy's famous Stare. It appears that Agent Tanner is getting the brunt of such an attack and it only takes a few seconds for her to fall to the floor. It probably wouldn't be good for her to get back up.

With Agent Tanner down for the count, Twilight opens the door to the conference room and we all file in. Celestia uses her magic to stack the chairs up and put them against the wall while Luna does the same for a large table. Twilight shuts the door behind us once we're all inside.

I put Rarity down and she scurries over to my side. "Okay, Celestia, before you pull me back into Equestria for a second time, something I'm pretty friggin' pissed about, how about you explain to me just what Rarity is doing here?"

Oh great, Celestia looks uncomfortable now. "TD, before I begin let me explain that I make mistakes just like everypony. I am not perfect." I snort and put my head in my left hand. Gosh freaking darn it. "I was doing more research on portals," she continues. "Now that I had learned not to mess with the other side, I figured that mere observation and studying the nature of the portals would not be an issue."

"I take it that it was?"

Celestia nods. "You see, after I had sent you home Twilight became curious about the nature of portals too. I figured that as long as I had control there was no harm in letting her audit my observations after making her Pinkie Promise not to try any of it out herself. Rarity was in Canterlot to deliver an order of dresses and Twilight invited her along. They wanted to see what your world was like, if only for a little while.

"As it turned out, having that many magical beings in the room somehow made the portal unstable and it began pulling objects through it. Twilight and I were powerful enough to resist it, but Rarity was not able to. She was sucked in and the portal collapsed. Using my magic I was able to send her to the one person that I knew would take care of her and do his best to keep her safe from the influence of his world."

"Me," I finish.

"You."

I take a deep breath and shake my head. "So because of another portal based mistake of yours my life was ruined and I have to go back to Equestria for good to avoid my government who will surely be looking for me under the assumption that I either didn't go through with you and am in hiding or I did go through with you but you sent me back and I am in hiding."

Celestia shifts where she stands and rubs the back of her neck. "Well if you wish to put it that way..."

I nod slightly and try to compose myself so I can take this with quiet dignity and grace. I take a deep breath. "Well, then, I guess..." I freeze, and whirl towards the door. "I think I hear more coming! Turn on your protection spell!"

I hear Celestia's horn fire up, and I turn my head back to Celestia. Once I can see the shimmer of her protection spell around her, I, with all of the quiet dignity and grace that I can muster, pull out the gun, turn the safety off, and shoot Celestia in the face.

Luna and the Elements are staring at both me and the flattened bullet in front of Celestia in utter shock and I am standing in front of Celestia with a satisfied expression.

Celestia, however, is not so amused. "That was hardly necessary," she says crossly.

"It felt good, though," I retort.

Celestia frowns and turns the gun to water. "TD I know that this must be hard for you, but that was completely unjustified! I am sorry, I am truly sorry, that I'm putting you through this for a second time but I must ask for a better attitude from you about this."

"Denied," I growl. "You know, I forgave you for the first time because you did right by me in the end by sending me home, but there is no way, I repeat, no way that you can do right by me this time. You have irreparably screwed up my life."

I feel Rarity nuzzle my leg and I look down at her. To my surprise traces of tears are in her eyes. "Does that mean that you didn't like me being here?"

I sigh and kneel down next to Rarity and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I don't blame you at all and I have to admit that it was my honor to take care of you while an unnamed princess took her sweet time getting over here. I repeatedly told the agents that I would kill anybody who hurt you and seeing as how the one guy who even considered it is now nursing a bullet wound to the shoulder, I think we can safely say I meant it. I don't blame you in the slightest, never think that I did."

Rarity wipes her eyes with her hoof and nods.

I take a deep breath and ruffle her mane affectionately before glancing up at Celestia. "If you'll give me five minutes I'll be ready to go."

"Whenever you are ready," says Celestia.

I nod and stand up. I walk over to a desk near the wall which thankfully has what I'm looking for: a notebook and a pen. I quickly scratch out a brief letter and fold it up, writing an address on the back. I walk up to Celestia and extend the letter. "If you could send it to the address I'd be very grateful."

Celestia raises an eyebrow. "I don't know if I should accept requests from a person who just shot me in the head."

I roll my eyes. "I'm sorry I shot you in the head."

"No you're not," she replies dryly.

I smirk at her. "You're right, I'm not. But it's for my family. They think I'm dead. I'm not going to tell them otherwise because I'm going back to Equestria, but I think this might ease the blow a bit."

Celestia looks at the letter in my hand and nods. "I think that I can do that," she says. With a quick burst of magic the letter disappears.

"Thank you," I whisper.

Celestia nods again and she beckons Luna forwards. The alicorn of the night walks next to her sister and the two fire up their horns. Within seconds a large ball of light appears which rapidly expands until it is recognizable as a portal. "It is time, my little ponies."

Five of the Mane Six nod and one-by-one they all go through the portal back to the lands of Equestria. When the last of them is through, Rarity uneasily walks up to it too but turns back to me. I nod and she gingerly steps through the portal. She's home now where she belongs.

I walk up to the portal in turn before turning around to look around the room one last time. It's a shame that my last view of Earth is going to be the building that imprisoned me for six months. If I had been thinking I would have gotten the laptop they'd given me so that I could have my music again but this time I'm going to Equestria with nothing from my world.

With one last deep breath, I turn back around and walk through the portal back to Equestria.

Epilogue: Well... I'm Back

I hit the ground on the other side of the portal with only the slightest amount of pain. I only fell about a foot and a half so no real harm done. I get on my knees and look up and see the Mane Six all standing around a thankfully adult Rarity who seems very happy to see all of them. How is she an adult now? Because magic I guess.

The ponies all turn to me when they see that I am also back through the portal. They all rush over to me. "TD, are you okay?" asks Twilight.

"I've been better but I've been worse," I reply. I take a deep breath and slowly get to my feet. "I guess I'm back for good now, then."

"Ah'm sorry, TD," says Applejack.

"It's not your fault," I mutter.

"You aren't going to hate the princesses forever now, are you?" asks Rainbow Dash.

"Not Luna," I reply. "Her only role in this was to come get us. As for Celestia.... ask me again in a few decades. I wouldn't put us in the same room for a long time."

As if on cue, both princesses come back through the portal. They land on the grass next to all of us, and I note the looks of unease on their faces when they look at me.

I take a deep breath and run a hand through my hair. "So I guess this is it then, yeah?"

"TD I must apologize once again for my mistakes. I know you are tired of them so drastically changing your life."

I nod slightly. "Yeah."

"If it is any consolation, I do not think that I will be studying portals for a long time. It isn't worth it if it means I do to another what I did to you."

"I guess not," I say. I take a look around and see that we are on the outskirts of Ponyville. I guess this is my home forever. "Did you sell my house?" I ask Twilight.

"It was on the market while you were gone, but right now it's empty."

"So it's been abandoned for around eighteen months?" I ask.

"No, the pony who had it after you left moved to Trottingham about a month ago. If you want it back I know that The Mayor would not object to you having your house and your old job back."

"Thanks."

With that I take a deep breath and begin my journey back to Ponyville. I hear the princesses tell Twilight that they have to be getting back to Canterlot, something more than fine by me. I hear their wings spread and the two alicorn goddesses begin their flight back to Canterlot.

Applejack walks up beside me after a moment. "Ah know that the kids and Cheerilee will be really excited to see ya," she says.

"Did the Crusaders get their cutie marks yet?" I ask.

"Naw they still haven't quite figured it out yet. They keep thinkin' that Cutie Mark Crusaders Tree Sap Experts will get 'em their marks."

I chuckle slightly at that. Indeed I am kind of looking forward to that part again. They kept me sane last time and they'll do it again this time I'll wager.

Soon enough the Mane Six and I are all back in Ponyville. My home for the rest of my life.

* * * *

It turns out that getting the approval from The Mayor to get me my old house goes quite smoothly and I'm moved back in in a few hours. Of course, that might be because I have nothing to move into the house. Right now my only possessions are my staff, which has a new carving of me escaping the facility, and the clothes on my back. I guess I'll have to accept charity to do things like eat. Wonderful.

When I'm moved in to my house, the Mane Six all give me a little time to get settled which is nice. I know they're just giving me alone time since I don't really have anything to settle in with. The only furniture is the bed, a desk, and a table. Everything else is going to have to be bought.

I sigh and plop down on the bed. It might actually be time for a good nap. However I am stopped when I feel something heavy in my pocket. I reach towards it and my hand connects with something: the other gun. Oh yeah, I took guns from two agents, didn't I?

I take the gun out of my pocket and examine it. It should still work perfectly unless it didn't work on Earth. I press the button to eject the clip and sure enough, the gun is fully loaded. I put the clip back into the gun and make sure to keep the safety on. I don't want anybody to get hurt by this thing.

With a sigh I stand up and put the gun in a desk drawer. I would destroy it but I'd much rather have it and not need it than need it and not have one. Since this is Equestria, I'm thinking the former is far more likely.

I am about to go to bed for reals this time, but I hear a quiet knock on my door. I sigh and walk over to it and open it up to see Rarity on the other side. We make eye contact and exchange small smiles. I wordlessly move aside to let her in and with a nod she enters my house. I close the door and move over to my bed where I sit down.

"So," she says after finding a comfortable spot on the floor.

"So," I reply.

Rarity takes a deep breath. "I wanted to thank you for taking care of my in those seven months," she says. "Even if you hated your time here and wished that I would find my way back home, you took care of me and tried to protect me. I admire that you did that."

"I couldn't let you get hurt," I respond. "I could never live with myself if I did and it was the right thing to do. If I had to go back knowing where I'd end up, I'd still do it this way."

A small smile forms on Rarity's face. "Thank you," she whispers.

"No problem," I say. Well, it did end up being a problem but you know what I mean.

Rarity suddenly chuckles slightly. "I don't suppose that I can call you 'father' now. I do have my Equestrian memories back, so I know my real father."

"It would be kind of awkward, yes," I agree. "I didn't mind it on Earth, though."

"I suppose I should stick to TD then, yes?"

"I would prefer that. It might send your real father the wrong idea if he saw you calling me father."

"That it would," she agrees.

The two of us are silent for a few minutes. Neither of us saying anything nor really needing to. We both know that the other is grateful for what we did for each other and that doesn't need to be said.

Finally the silence ends as Rarity clears her throat and stands up. "Well, if you would be up for it, I'd like it if you came over to my shop so I could make you some new clothes. It's the least I could do and I know that Sweetie Belle would be overjoyed to see you again."

I nod and stand up. "You know, oddly enough I'd like that. It'd give me something to do except brood at any rate."

"Well then you must come over at once," she says. "I promise to not put a freezing spell on you like last time."

I actually chuckle at that. She returns it and uses her magic to open the door to my house and she holds it open long enough for me to walk through before she follows and closes it behind her.

Once again I find myself out in the fresh Ponyville air, surrounded by ponies going about their everyday lives. Maybe it's the two months I already spent here, but I don't have that crushing sense of isolation that I had last time. Even though I've just been ripped from my world again, I don't feel so alone. I guess it's because I know all of these ponies and they like me and maybe it's because I'm going to try to not be all moody about it for a month before I get into a routine. I can't go back so I just have to make the best of this.

I'm still not happy about it.

Rarity's boutique comes into view and the front door opens to reveal three charging Cutie Mark Crusaders, all of whom look absolutely elated to see me. I smile and kneel down so they can give me a tackle hug that knocks me flat on the ground. They're chattering away about how happy they are to see me and they're firing questions at me a mile a minute. It does make me a little happier, knowing that somebody is so happy to see me.

Rarity, of course, calls the Crusaders off of me and after I stand up they begin pushing me in the direction of the boutique, no doubt all wanting to know where I've been and what I've been up to. I give them some token replies to placate them and they giggle in excitement. Rarity opens the door to the boutique so that I we can all walk in.

Before I walk into the shop, I pause and, like on Earth, turn around and look around Ponyville as if trying to convince myself that this is real and I'm in Equestria again.

The jury has come to a decision based on irrefutable evidence.

I'm back.

I Can Send You Home

Celestia uses her magic to shut and lock the door behind me. She turns to face me for what I hope will be our final confrontation. "So," I begin.

"So," she parrots.

"We're here at last."

Celestia nods and moves over to a large desk. "I imagine you have a lot of questions for me," she says as she uses her magic to pull up a stack of papers.

"Just one." My insides feel like ice right now. "Can you send me home now?"

Celestia keeps silent for a moment as she scans the papers in front of her. She puts them back down on the desk. "TD, before I answer that question, I must admit to you that there is more to you coming here than I originally admitted to you and Twilight."

"I figured. Me coming here like you said is a bit too random, don't you think?" I don’t ask so much as I make a statement.

The Princess nods. "Your coming here was still partially random, but not to the extent I led you to believe. I told you that the energy I conjured randomly pulled you into this world… but I'm afraid that is, for the most part, a fabrication."

"How so?" I ask suspiciously.

Celestia doesn’t say a thing for a moment, before she takes a deep breath and delves into her story. "When I told you I created the ball of energy, I said it sucked the magic out of my room and it took all of my power to stop it, correct?"

"Yeah," I nod.

"The truth is, when the energy started being sucked out, it made the ball of energy more powerful, and much more unstable. The instability did not concern me at the moment it began happening… but what happened with the ball, well, that is a different story."

"Why?” I scratch my head. “What happened with the ball?"

"It created a portal,” she explains. “A highly volatile and unstable one, but a portal nonetheless. I used all of my magical powers to sustain it so that my surroundings would not be damaged, and it took me a lot of magic and skill, but I did manage to get it to manageable levels.

“When I did that, it allowed me to look inside. And what I saw... it was truly a sight to behold."

Celestia, if you were intending on making me curious, consider your goal accomplished. "What did you see?"

"I saw your world. I don't know why, but for whatever reason, the portal chose to open up on the exact spot where you were. I saw many members of your species, and I observed their habits. I noticed that they would always wait in the same spots for a series of lights to turn red before a white symbol flashed, as a warning that crossing was safe, or authorized. I noted the objects you call 'cars' stopping whenever their respective lights turned red, and that they drove off when they turned green.

“I watched for about twenty minutes, and ended up with a pretty good idea of the routine of that area."

"That's very interesting," I interrupt, "but it still doesn't answer my question."

"I'm getting there," she assures me. "I continued to observe the goings on of your species with great interest. You truly are an interesting people."

"Celestia… what does this have to do with me?" I ask out of the irritation rising inside of me.

Celestia sighs and begins nervously shuffling the papers on the desk. "Do you remember the accident that brought you here?" she asks without looking at me.

"I was hit by a car. I’m pretty sure I'll remember that forever."

"No, no you weren't," she says quietly.

My jaw drops slightly. "What do you mean? I woke up after a four day coma with a ton of injuries: that sounds like getting hit by a car to me all right."

The Princess looks back up. "The injuries you sustained were not caused by your collision with the car, TD… that collision never actually happened. When I saw the car speed towards you, I knew that if it collided with you it would cause great injury, maybe even death. I couldn't stand by and let that happen.

“In the heat of the moment, I called upon the last reserves of my magic and attempted to pull you backwards, out of the way of the car. But, unfortunately, I used too much magic. I did not just pull you backwards… I pulled you through the portal by mistake."

My jaw is practically on the floor by this point. My mind is a blank – I want to say something… but what on Earth can I say to this?

Celestia sighs one more time before moving on. "The strain of pulling a being as large as yourself through an already unstable portal was far too much for it to handle. It collapsed. You were through by that point, lying unconscious on the ground. I would have tended to you right there and then… but what happened next prevented that.

“When the portal collapsed it created an energy outflow that increased the air pressure. It began crushing you, TD; that's why you woke up with broken bones. I knew that you would die unless I took drastic action, so I did the only thing I could think of at that moment: I sent you to Ponyville. I didn't want you to cause a stir around Canterlot, so I sent you to a more remote part of Equestria, where my student could take care of you until I figured out what to do about it all."

I continue to stare at Celestia. I don’t know what to think, or even what to feel. I wasn’t pulled in just because of a random portal; she pulled me in to avoid seeing me get hit by that car. She... she...

Okay, TD, calm the heck down!

I take a few deep breaths and ask the first question that comes to my mind. "Why didn't you just tell me when we first saw each other? Why this ‘random portal’ nonsense?"

Celestia looked at me with sorrowful eyes that I don’t see. "I didn't tell you then because I didn't want Twilight to know about this kind of magic. I fear her curiosity would have led to her abusing it, or at least attempting an imitation… I didn’t want that to happen, it was almost uncontrollable when I myself did it. If I told her you coming here was a failure of mine, as opposed to a deliberate action that would have been viewed as a success by her, then she would not have tried to replicate it… exactly like, to my knowledge, she hasn't."

By this point, my confusion is turning to anger at this mare. "So you kick her out of the room, talk to me in private later, order her to not try anything under threat of heavy punishment, do anything but what you did!” I yell. “You're the freaking immortal sun-goddess of Equestria, can't you keep tabs on your own student?!"

Celestia doesn’t react to my outburst. "TD, I have my reasons for not letting Twilight know about what I did. Please respect them. I have known her far longer than you have."

Ah yes, the 'I have the power, my motives are infallible' technique. Don't you just love it?

That aside, how I got here really isn't as important as can I get home. I have to keep this on the right track. "Okay, so you brought me here to save my life, and you have your big mystic reasons for having lied to the Elements of Harmony and me when I first woke up,” I state as I pace around the room. “Fine, whatever, I really don’t care. What I care about is, can I go home now?"

Celestia is silent and my insides freeze even more.

Oh no, no this can't be happening. How does--

Wait... she's smiling.

Celestia's smile grows bigger by the minute. "TD the moment I came back to Canterlot after seeing you in the hospital I began researching portals. Over the few months you've been here, I think I have perfected the magic I need. After the first four or five attempts, I have successfully found Earth every time.

"I also experimented with sending things through portals, little things that wouldn't be out of place in your world like bird feathers and pencils and the like. It worked every time."

My jaw is on the floor in the best possible way. She...she...

I clear my throat. "S...So what you're saying is..."

"I can send you home."

My jaw is back on the floor for but a moment before I break out into the biggest smile of my life and let out a cry of pure elation. I can go home! I can go home!

I bounce up and down in a manner that would make Pinkie Pie jealous before rushing over to Celestia and wrapping her in a rib crushing hug. "THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!!!"

Celestia chuckles. "You're very welcome, TD," she says. "I take it you would like to go as soon as possible?"

My eyes widen and I waste no time in zooming out the door. The crowd of nobles is looking at the bouncing human who is crowing happily as I bolt past them, but I hardly give a rats about that. I'm going back to Earth!!!!

I quickly grab my laptop from the table where Celestia teleported it to before running up to my room and packing it away. I prepared for this so everything is packed. I take a few quick moments to change clothes before zooming back to Celestia's room on my scooter, something that elicits more than a few gasps from the crowd.

"Hey all you Canterlot snobs, if ya got laid once in a while you might be happier!" I call back to the crowd.

"No kidding!" says a pony that I don't have to see to know that it's that Cloud Kicker pony who tried to bang me earlier.

I reach Celestia's room in record time and screech to ha halt just before I collide with the door. I fling it open and walk inside to see Celestia and, surprise surprise, the Mane Six inside as well. All of them are looking at me with expressions ranging from elation to vague sadness.

Twilight is the first to walk up to me. "I'm so happy for you!" she says with a watery smile.

I laugh. "Thanks, Twilight."

The other members all gather around me and say their goodbyes. Each and every one of them tells me that they'll miss me and that they're glad that I can go home. I in turn tell each one of them that I'll miss them and you know what... I think I will. Huh. You know... I didn't actually think that I would. Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Twilight all attacked me, Rarity hit me with a freezing spell, and Pinkie Pie set me on fire but despite all of that, I've really grown to care for them.

No, I'm still not watching the show.

After hugs are exchanged, Celestia fires up her horn and a large blue ball appears and expands into what I know to be a portal. I look through and I see it: that crosswalk that I was walking across before all of this happened. In an odd way, I'm really looking forward to that cow smell that will hit me the second I'm through.

"Are you ready to go, TD?" asks Celestia.

I stand up and nod happily. "I've been ready to go for a long time," I say.

"Then go at your leisure," says Celestia.

I laugh excitedly and am about to go through when I hear Twilight's horn fire up and something put in my pocket. I turn back confusedly and she smiles at me. "It's your phone. I've gotten everything I can from it and you might as well have it just so you can have everything you came with."

I chuckle. "Thanks, Twilight, thanks."

And with one last look at the seven of them, I walk through the portal.

Admittedly, This Was Inevitable

The days passed pretty simply in the beginning. I'd go to class and Rarity would stay in my room watching the show. It did hit her pretty hard, knowing that in my world she was a cartoon character but she took it in stride. I think that the thing that really hit her the hardest was knowing that she had a sister back in Equestria, a sister that she was very fond of. Of course, that made it all the harder for her to watch Season 2 Episode 5 where she treats Sweetie Belle so poorly in the first half.

I walked into my room after a particularly difficult writing test that I was pretty sure I had bombed to hear crying coming from my bedroom. Curious, I walked inside to see Rarity curled up in a ball on my bed, crying her eyes out with my computer closed behind her. I frowned and walked over to her. "What's wrong?" I asked.

Rarity sniffled and had to take a few deep breaths before she could answer. "I...I watched an episode a-and it had me and Sweetie Belle in it."

Okay, that obviously wasn't the big issue since she had been elated by the fact that she had a sister when she found out about it. "So you saw a Sweetie Belle episode," I said. "What's so upsetting about that?"

Rarity sniffled and wiped her eyes with the back of her hoof. "I...I was so mean to her!" she said. "I said nasty things to her like that I would be better off with no sister! I wouldn't be surprised if she never forgave me for that!" She resumed her sobbing. "I don't know if I want to go back to Equestria; I don't think I could look Sweetie Belle in the eye, knowing I had treated her like that!!"

Ah, so that was the issue.

I tentatively patted Rarity on the head and cleared my throat. "Uh, look, Rarity, siblings fight all the time. It's practically in the definition of a sibling. Do you think that I never fought with my sister?"

"But I told her that I would be better off with no sister!" she wailed. "That wasn't normal sibling, that was a downright evil thing to say!"

I scoffed at her. "Do you think that I never said any of that to my sister growing up? It was practically a catchphrase during our fights which were the stuff of legends in our house. Do you know what, though? We made up. We learned from what made us fight and over time we fought a lot less. We both told each other that we wish the other had never been born but we didn't really mean it. We're best friends now."

Rarity sniffled again and rolled over to face me with wide, watery eyes. "Really?" she whimpered.

I do my best to smile and nod. "Yeah. I'm sure that you didn't mean it and I'm sure that's the message of the episode. I really doubt that the two of you hate each other for the rest of the series. Heck, I know you don't because I saw how you two interacted when I was in Equestria. You're pretty close."

Rarity glanced uneasily at my computer but she sat up and used her magic to turn it back on. The picture on the screen was one of Rarity and Sweetie Belle fighting. They did look pretty angry with each other but I knew that they made up in the end. Rarity scooted over so I could sit on the bed too and we watched the rest of the episode together. She hugged me close when Sweetie Belle told Rarity that Applejack was her new sister but she eventually calmed down as the episode progressed and it was revealed that they made up.

Having said that, even she didn't fall for the mud trick that the two of them pulled. She giggled when Applejack went in and Rarity covered in mud came out, not buying it for a second that it was still Applejack.

it only took her about a week to finish the series. I watched Season 3 with her just to make sure I could hold my own in a conversation with Ben in case the situation ever arose. Being in Equestria meant that I knew all about the events of the first two seasons, and more than the creators themselves knew actually, but watching the third would help me keep my Brony cover.

No, watching the third season did not make me a Brony. Yes there were some cute parts in one or two of the episodes, and having met her, I can say that the Too Many Pinkies episode was downright nightmarish. Bronies may laugh, but when there are thirty Flanderizations of the mare who set you on fire... *shudder*

So now we enter the third week of Rarity's stay on Earth. I am disappointed that no sign of Celestia or the other five members of the Mane Six have appeared and its making me steadily nervous. I haven't seen any of my family since I came up to college but Kristen has been dropping hints that she's like to see my room which is a problem for me. She's going to want a full tour which means that my best bet is hiding Rarity in the shower or under the bed, both of which I know she'd absolutely hate. Not only that, but the day that Kristen is most likely to show up is Sunday after she's done with homework and there is no way that Rarity is going to want to be under my bed or in my shower for five hours while Kristen and I watch football, which she'll definitely want to do. On that train of thought, she'll want to do that every Sunday since I'm the one with access to a TV.

This...this might be really bad.

I open the door to my room with our lunches to find Rarity on the couch sewing up a pair of shorts that lost a button. I found a place that sold that kind of stuff about a week after Rarity came to Earth and I bought her some of the bare basics. In fact, we're tossing around advertising the fact that 'I' can do repairs so we can earn a little cash off of this and she can spend her time doing something she loves. We still have to work out the details of that. Of course, if we did then I could possibly afford fabrics for her to make actual clothes out of.

She looks up from her work when she sees me walk in and glances hungrily at the boxes. I nod and place the one for her in front of her and she puts my shorts aside and eagerly digs in. I sit on my chair and am less enthusiastic about my food, something that Rarity notices. "Father, is something that matter?" she asks.

I sigh and rub my temples. "Rarity... um, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep you a secret."

Rarity freezes with an apple slice halfway to her mouth. She blinks once or twice then puts the slice back in the box. "And...and why is that?"

I scratch the back of my head and put my box of food down on the table. "Well, I told you that I have a sister that's up here, right? Well, she's going to come over tomorrow to watch football all day and I don't think that I can hide you that long. At some point I'm going to bring you food or you'll have to go to the bathroom or something and then the secret will get out."

Rarity looks down and focuses her attention on her food. "And you can't do this another time or not do it?" she asks.

I shake my head. "I'm the only one of the two of us who has a TV and I don't want to leave you alone for that long anyway. Besides, I told her that I can't for the past two weeks and I don't think I can do it again. She'll just tell me to forget my homework for that day and come over whether I want her to or not. I can't slam the door in her face."

Rarity slowly nods. "Is she a, what did you call them, Brony?"

"No but she has a friend who is," I say. "He got her to watch a few episodes, so she definitely knows who you are."

"Oh dear," Rarity mutters.

Oh dear indeed.

I sigh and rub my temples before leaning back on my chair. I'm of two minds: one says that I try to hide her and hope for the best, the other one says that I just come out and tell Kristen and hope that nothing goes wrong. She's not the kind of person who would panic and call Mom and Dad about something like this.

...right? R-Right?

Rarity sighs and resumes fixing my shorts. "I suppose we'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it, but I don't see how you can avoid telling her. I mean, I certainly don't want to hide in a damp shower or under a dusty bed for six hours while football is going on. I'd inevitably make some noise such as a sneeze that would cause her to hear me, would I not?"

"I'm thinking that's the case, yes," I say.

"So should we just tell her?" asks Rarity.

I sigh and look over at the door as if I'm expecting somebody to knock right then and there. The other side is silent, though, so I opt for an answer. "Yeah, I think we do."

* * * *

"Father, stop pacing around the room. I'm sure that Aunt Kristen will react to this will quiet dignity and grace."

"The last time somebody in my family reacted to a pony in front of them with 'quiet dignity and grace' I punched Princess Celestia in the face."

Rarity waves her hoof at me. "Yes, yes, I know all about that. But surely the females of your family are more level-headed?"

"Kristen is the type of person who owns a motorcycle, went skydiving, wants to go bungee jumping in the Royal Gorge; not to mention the fact that she's the one in our family that embraced her Canadian heritage far more than her American one."

"So she has a bit of a wild side. That doesn't mean that she'll completely panic and ruin the whole thing does it?"

"I don't know and that's what's bugging me," I say. "It's a fifty-fifty shot."

"When is she coming over again?"

"The Broncos/Raiders game starts in fifteen minutes so it'll be any--"

Knock, knock, knock, knock.

"--second now."

My heart skips a beat and I turn to my filly charge. "Rarity, go to my room for now."

She cocks her head. "But--"

"Please just do as I ask right now. I'm losing my nerve here."

Rarity sighs but trots to my room and shuts my door behind her. I groan and take a few deep breaths before walking over to my door and opening it revealing, of course, my smiling sister.

"Hey, TD!" she says happily. "How's it going?"

"It's going..." My voice cracks and I clear my throat. "It's going well."

Kristen perceptively raises an eyebrow but she decides to shrug it off as just a random thing. I see that she's carrying a bag of Doritos in one hand and a case of Dr. Pepper in the other so I take the Dr. Pepper for her and put it down on the table. She places the chips next to it and breaks open the case so she can get one of the sodas.

"So, kickoff is in ten minutes, right?"

"Ish," I say, turning the TV on.

"We're so totally going to massacre them!" she says excitedly. "We crushed those morons in black 37-6 last time and we have Manning so there's no way they'll get jack done."

"I myself suspect that Miller and Dumervil are going to get to Palmer at least four times, yes."

"Harris gonna get two picks?" Kristen giggles.

"To compliment one from Bailey, yes," I say.

The two of us smile at each other and I flip to the channel hosting the game. I take a soda for myself when I find the channel and the familiar sight of a cheering crowd and armored men in bright orange uniforms warming up on the field enters my vision. Kristen plops down on the couch and I sit next to her.

I missed this when I was in Equestria; I missed this quite a lot. The chips, the soda, the football, the family, it almost makes me forget that I have Rarity in my...

Oh yeah... I have a filly Rarity in my room.

I groan and put my head in my hands and rub my temples. Son of a gun, how am I going to get around this one?

My sister notices me and frowns. "You okay, dude?" she asks.

"I don't know," I mumble.

"Girl troubles?" she guesses.

"You have no idea," I grumble.

She raises an eyebrow in interest and the first faint trace of a smirk comes on her face. "In-te-resting," she says. "Why is this the first that I have heard of it?"

"Because it's complicated. More complicated than you can possibly imagine."

Kristen scoffs. "Oh come on, it can't be that bad. You're a level-headed enough guy that..." she pauses and frowns. "Okay you're not so dumb that you'll intentionally break her heart. It can't be that complicated."

"It's so complicated that you'd walk out and call Mom if you found out. That's on top of the fact that the government might take both of us away never to be seen again if it got too out of hand."

Kristen shoots me an absolutely bewildered look and turns off the TV. "Dude... what the heck is going on? Who is this girl?"

"Her name is Rarity," I mumble.

Kristen frowns. "Huh... that's the same name of one of the characters in that My Little Pony show that one of my friends likes, right?"

I groan as the first traces of physical pain overtake my stomach. Why can't I tell her? Should I tell her? Well, it's too late to just pass it off as nothing; I'm reacting too heavily for that.

"Dude... who the heck is this girl?"

"I...I...I..." I take a few deep breaths. "Rarity, will you come out now?"

"Okay," says Rarity from inside my room.

Kristen's jaw drops and she stands up. I in turn maneuver around her so I'm between her and the door. "Dude, she's here?! What the heck?!"

"Like I said it's complicated," I say as the door opens. "But you have to promise me that you won't do anything rash!"

Kristen's bewildered look increases tenfold but it's too late to call this off now as much as I would love to with all my heart. Maybe this isn't the best idea. Maybe I could have hidden her. Maybe I'm the one who did something rash, maybe… maybe.... maybe...

And there she is, right in Kristen's line of sight. If I thought that Kristen's expression was bewildered before, it has nothing on the look of sheer horror that has graced her face now. Rarity is sitting on her haunches in front of my sister who has backed up a few feet.

"Hi Aunt Kristen," says Rarity.

With that my sister's brain breaks and she sits back down on the couch. She can only stare in pure shock as a cartoon character who just called her 'Aunt Kristen' sits in front of her. Her mouth is moving up and down like a fish as she struggles to find something, anything to say to this. Admittedly I wouldn't have the next clue of what to say either.

"Kristen, are you okay?" That's all I can really think of to say right now. The best I can hope for is that it snaps her out of this… whatever she's in.

Thankfully it has the desired effect and my sister blinks once just to make sure that what she's seeing isn't fake and that things aren't more complicated and out of hand than she can possibly imagine. "TD... would you mind explaining this to me? Why did a cartoon pony from a little girl's show just call me 'Aunt Kristen' and why is she living in your room?"

"You know, your guess is as good as mine," I say. "I walked in one day and saw her in a box on my table three weeks ago. I've been taking care of her ever since."

Kristen slowly nods and grabs her soda and takes a long gulp. When she finishes, she continues staring at Rarity. "Why did this pony end up in a box in your room?" she asks, raising the soda to her lips once more.

"I don't know but it probably has something to do with the two months I spent in Equestria."

Perfect spit-take.