The Conversion Bureau - How I Learned to Teach Newfoals

Title: How I Learned to Teach Newfoals

Author: Berry Pony

"Huh, what?"

"Juicy Fruit, you're being reassigned. You will report to the Bronx Conversion Bureau tomorrow."

I stared at the head of the Ponyville Weather Services. The old blue pegasus closed my folder and looked at me.

"But why?"

"Orders from Celestia."

"Celestia? But I've never met the princess! She doesn't even know I'm alive!"

The old blue pegasus opened my folder again. "Let's see now. One year ago at Running of the Leaves, you were seen crashed out on a hillside, exhausted. The princess was attending and caught sight of you. She wanted to know who the blitzed-out mare was.”

"Hay," I protested, "I was pushing myself to win and just ran out of energy at the end. But come on now. Being tired is no reason to send me to this... Bronx Conversion place."

"There’s also the drinking," the pegasus added, picking up a piece of paper. "Celestia has received reports that a plum-colored mare with a mulberry mane has been seen imbibing around Ponyville. This pony has a strawberry and grapes cutie mark. Sound familiar?"

I glanced at my own strawberry and grapes cutie mark.

"The princess feels that a stint working in the Conversion Bureau," said the blue pegasus, "will help make a better pony out of you." He flipped the paper across towards me.

I glanced at the paper. "There's got to be some mistake! Ah, wait a sec! Celestia's made a mistake. She's been hearing about Berry Punch, not me! Berry has the same plum-colored coat and mulberry mane as me but she's an earth pony." I flared my wings, "not a pegasus."

"You want to tell Celestia that she's made a mistake?" the blue pegasus asked. "Do you want to be banished for thousand years to Mount Snowsmore?"

Far to the north, with winds over 120 miles per hour and temperatures always below freezing, the station at Mount Snowsmore is the worst place for a weather pegasus to be assigned. I shivered. "It's not fair. I don't see why I have to go to this Bronx place."

The blue pegasus pushed the paper towards me. "Juicy, it won't be forever. Go to this Conversion Bureau, learn what you can and come back."

I picked up the paper and slipped it into my saddlebags. Tomorrow would find me at a conversion bureau

Early the next morning, I stood on a beach in Equestria. My few belongings were packed in my saddlebags. Around me, earth ponies and unicorns were unloading carts and stacking boxes. A unicorn stood on small dais, directing the traffic.

"Excuse me," I said as I trotted up to the unicorn, "but where do I go?"

"Let me see your papers," the unicorn snapped.

I reached around and pulled out my orders.

"Bronx Conversion Bureau," he mused after reading my orders. "You will find the personnel and supplies for that site waiting over there." He lifted a hoof and pointed at a place halfway down the beach.

"Thank you," I said as I took back my orders. Then I looked around at the boxes and bundles. "Supplies?" I asked, "Why are we bringing so many supplies?"

The unicorn paused. "I've heard that humans have so polluted their world that nopony can eat anything or drink anything from there."

"Humans?"

The unicorn stared at me. "You don't have any idea of what's happening, do you?"

"Nope. I just got orders to report to the Bronx Conversion Bureau."

"Go!" the unicorn sighed. "Perhaps the Bronx Conversion Bureau can fill you in.I've got my work here, trying to bring order out of chaos. Off with you!"

Chastised, I wandered up the beach to the place where I was told to wait. There was nopony else there but several pallets of apples and a crate of some purplish fluid in small bottles.

After a while, a cyan unicorn and a green earth pony showed up. "Is this the 10 AM shipment to the Bronx?" the cyan unicorn asked her partner. "Is everything ready?"

The green earth pony nodded.

The cyan unicorn took a stick from her saddlebag and began drawing a circle around the crates and me.

"Those P42X vials," the green pony said, "it'd be better if the pegasus carried them. We don't want anything broken in transport."

"Are you saying my teleport spell isn't safe?" the cyan unicorn said after spitting out the stick.

"Ummm," the green pony started, "better safe than sorry."

"Teleport?" I began.

The cyan unicorn's horn began to glow and the crate of purplish fluids rose and settled on my back. "Now, hold tight," she warned.

"Teleport spell? What's this about a teleport spell?" I demanded.

The cyan unicorn's horn began to glow again.

"It's too dangerous for you or supplies to fly directly to the Bronx. That's why we're going to teleport you directly into the conversion bureau building," the green pony said.

"Dangerous?" I started to say. Then the world twisted and the beach fell away. I spread out my wings to catch myself when I crash-landed on a smooth floor, my hooves sliding away from underneath me and my breath knocked out of me.

"Oh good," a voice said, "they finally sent us a pegasus."

I was still trying to catch my breath as the crate of P42X was lifted from my back. When my eyes were able to focus again, I saw a yellow unicorn stallion giving orders.

"Take the ponification serum to the head technician's office," said the yellow unicorn, "and sweep up this loose sand. Finally, we're in business!" Then the yellow unicorn peered at me. "My name is Golden Circle. I'm the director of this conversion bureau. And you are?

"Juicy... Juicy Fruit," I said weakly.

"Welcome to the Bronx Conversion Bureau. You'll be in charge of teaching the newfoals how to fly. Teaching Flight Class 101."

"Newfoals?" I asked as I stood up again and stretched my wings.

Golden Circle sighed. "How much do you know what the conversion bureau does?"

"Nothing. A day ago, I was busy herding rain clouds over Ponyville."

"Right. Okay. I guess the best way to start is to attend one of my standard introductory lectures. I'll be giving one this afternoon. This will give you time to get settled in. Desert Rose!"

"Yes?" said a young tan-colored earth pony, putting down her broom.

"Take care of Juicy's paperwork, show her to her quarters and teach her where she can find the cafeteria, the lecture room and the greenhouse out back." Then Golden Circle turned to me. "I should warn you," he said, "not to fly anywhere outside of this building. I know how you pegasi are - but it simply isn't safe to be outside."

A few hours later, I was standing outside the lecture room. Golden Circle smiled reassuringly at me and pushed his way into the room. Several other ponies from the staff followed. I swallowed hard and walked in.

Golden Circle stood facing thirty creatures sitting in chairs. The staff ponies gathered to the side, smiling and putting up a brave face. This was my first time that I had a chance to see humans. The initial impression I had of them was that anything that tall had to fall over - or spend all their time thinking about not falling over. I now understood why everything in the conversion bureau seemed made to a gigantic scale. They didn't vary much in color but wore an astounding variety of clothes. They smelled of old meat, burnt weeds and machines.

Golden Circle walked up to the podium and waited for the audience to be quiet. He started by greeting the humans and explained why they had come to the conversion bureau. He told them how the human race could not continue on their current path and how the ponies could help them. Humans could not handle the magic coming from Equestria so becoming a pony is crucial to surviving the peaceful aura radiating from Equestria. "Our plans are to ponify you, the sooner the better. Trust me, it's easier than it looks. Expect this to happen when you least expect it. Thank you."

The room broke into scattered applause.

"If you have any questions," Golden Circle added, "please come up and ask our staff."

Several humans stood up and approached the front of the room. Two of them walked up to me. I cast a quick glance at the staff door and tried to quell my rising panic. My wings rose and spread.

"What's it like to fly?" the taller human asked.

"Cool! I've never seen a flying pony before," added the shorter and probably female human.

"Fly?" I looked over at the other staff ponies but they each had their own audience. "It's just something I do," I stammered nervously. "I never thought about it before."

"I wanted to fly but my eyesight wasn't good enough," the taller human said. "That was before they fully automated flight and took humans out of the cockpit."

Eyesight? Automated flight? Cockpit? None of those words made any sense.

"Jason wants to fly so bad," the smaller human added. "He wants to be a flying pony when he's ponified. I'll be happy with any type of pony. But, tell me, do ponies of different types - I mean a regular pony and a flying pony - can they make out? If not, I also want to be a flying pony - but the ones with a horn can do magic and I think they look cool."

"I don't know anything about the ponification process," I began. "Perhaps Golden Circle can explain that part." I looked up at the taller human. "If you do become a pegasus - that's the right term for us 'flying ponies' - you'll be in my class and I'll teach you everything there is about flying."

"And as for different types of ponies," I said, turning to the smaller human, "there's many a relationship between earth ponies, pegasi and unicorns." I looked over at the director. "But look, you can ask Golden Circle yourself about the ponification process."

As they wandered off, I made my retreat through the staff door. Outside the lecture room, I shook out my wings and took a deep breath.

"Is that your first meeting with humans?" asked Desert Rose, putting down her broom.

I nodded.

"A bit overwhelming and a bit demanding?"

"Yep."

"You'll get used to it," said Desert Rose. "They really aren't that bad, once you get to know them. And once we ponify them, they aren't as imposing or smell so strongly." She picked up her broom and trotted away from me.

I trotted into the cafeteria, requested a whole grain apple salad and took my tray to a table to enjoy.

"Can I join you?" Desert Rose asked.

I waved her to my table and dropped my muzzle back into the salad bowl.

"We should be getting our first newfoals this morning."

"Newfoals?" I asked.

Desert Rose raised her head to look at me. "I keep forgetting that this is all new to you. Newfoals are we call humans that have completed their ponification process. Really, we can't call them humans anymore - they're ponies now. We have to take the newfoals and teach them how to fit into Equestria, to truly become earth ponies, unicorns and pegasi."

"I don't know. I'd think that a human-"

"They are ponies now!" Desert Rose insisted. "They might be unable to keep up in a field, unable to cast magic from their horns or to fly, but that's something that can be taught. We teach our own foals, don't we?"

"That is-"

"You will be teaching the newfoal pegasi. Do you want a group of pegasi with dusty coats and feathers dropping from their wings, walking everywhere in Equestria? Do you?"

"Never!" I snorted.

Desert Rose smiled. "Who knows? Some of those newfoals might yet surprise you."

The cafeteria doors slammed open and a white pegasus with a blue mane came in running, slipping and sliding her way past the tables to come crashing in a heap near the windows. She started to get onto her hooves, lost her balance, fell, and turned over a nearby table of hay fries and dandelion sandwiches.

Everyone else, both pony and human stood up and applauded.

"I think that's your first student," Desert Rose said.

The white pegasus sat up on her hindquarters, looking around sheepishly.

I walked over to the white pegasus. "Welcome to the ranks of the pegasi. First class is in the greenhouse after lunch. Be there!"