Heart of Scales

Heart Of Scales

Turn 11: Reflect

Fluttershy’s home finally came into view. With the mailbox and bridge, it was the entire scene that would be captured in a photograph and printed in a real estate catalog in the event Fluttershy decided to sell off her home. He could hear the sound of the river that ran across the front and along with it, the sound of water. A great deal of chirping and flapping noises took over Spike’s ears. He looked upwards and saw various species of birds fly off into the sky, lifting off in a swarm from behind the cottage and dispersing as they gained altitude. This meant that Spike was late to see off the current venue on his list, “music”. It appeared that the choir had already been dismissed and from where they had taken off. Fluttershy was most likely there, cleaning up leftover bird feathers, droppings, and whatnot. With a light feeling in his chest, Spike crossed the bridge and circled around Fluttershy’s home, hoping to catch her before she made haste.

There she was, next to an assembly of wooden poles that allowed the birds to perch in an orchestral arrangement. Like bleachers for the winged creatures, elevated by a central wooden column that rose from the ground. To describe it another way, it was sort of similar to a roof antenna, differently shaped to fit its function.

“Fluttershy,” Spike called out as gently as he could.

It took her a moment to spot him, but when she did, she made a smile rather than a surprised look as if she heard him coming from a mile away.

“Good afternoon, Ruby. I was told that you would be dropping by. You missed the last of the singing, but I hope you’ll trust me when I tell you they were wonderful.”

Well, wasn’t this nice?

“Oh, don’t worry.” Spike shook his head. “You’re the one I was least worried about. You and birds, singing, what can go wrong?”

“It must have been a long day for you. The least I could do was keep from being a burden. You aren’t particularly busy, are you?”

“No, not for at least an hour,” Spike replied. “I’m almost done with my list, and the next few places I won’t have to visit until it gets a little darker.”

“Would you like to come inside for some cookies and tea then? I was expecting you would come so I thought it would be best to prepare.”

“If you aren’t busy.” Spike felt that they were being extremely polite to each other, but to Fluttershy, this just might be an average conversation for her. It was hard to cut loose in speech when she was being such a dear.

“I sent the birds off to give them time to prepare for the ceremony, freshen up their feathers and invite their friends to watch. I have nothing to do until then, so this is a good chance to pass the time. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever be able to invite you to talk over some tea.”

Say no? Not even if a meteor hit Equestria. Who in their right mind would…

Before Spike knew it, he was sitting in her living room. This was a peculiar experience for Spike. He had never actually had the opportunity to think deeply about his past relationship with Fluttershy as a dragon. She was actually the first pony in town to show him any kind of special interest, first to give him special treatment for being a dragon, out of all things. Being a pony never ceased to remind him how overlooked he used to be as far as the social aspect was considered. The fact that he was shown special affectionate treatment instead of the usual timid response from Fluttershy now felt somewhat degrading while flattering at the same time. He had been just another one of her animals, wasn’t he?

Whether he was, it would be too early to assume without asking. Having a cup of tea with her in the cottage was as private as he had been with her. She set down two cups and a plate of cookies. They sat on opposite sofas setting the stage for their light chat. Light for her maybe, but Spike had things he wanted to know, if he gets the chance, maybe this would be a good time to find out.

“I never expected that you’d invite somepony like me for a cup for tea like this. I, for one, am surprised at your straight-forwardness. I thought I would have to be around you longer for even a remote chance for this to happen.”

“I wanted to personally meet you, after you stopped that dragon and all.” Fluttershy looked away while covering her mouth with her cup which she held in both hooves. “Rainbow Dash told me all about it, in detail. She seemed so excited, I began to wonder if she had exaggerated parts of it, as she would often do to make it as thrilling for me.”

“She probably did. Taking it alone to prove my strength was never on my mind. I was kind of more concerned at how close Applejack and Rainbow Dash were getting to those teeth. I did what I could, which was mostly running. I would never imagine beating it's lights out or anything of the sort.”

“What does it matter? I admire ponies with that sort of courage. Ponies tend to think that I have a hard time being around others I don’t know very well, and they’re right. But anypony who can stand their ground against a dragon for their friends is in danger of being invited to a tea party by Fluttershy.”

She followed with a small giggle. Spike wasn’t used to Fluttershy being this friendly. It’s like she was talking to him as she would with the other mares. She sounded so comfortable just talking, unlike her usual quiet demeanor.

“It’s a relief I caught you as you were stopping by,” she continued “I don’t think I would have had it in me to invite you personally out of the blue. With you around I feel safer already.”

Of course, Fluttershy meant feeling safer from dragons. This was always on Spike’s mind. It wasn’t any news that Fluttershy saw him as some divine protector. Just what kind of story did Rainbow Dash tell her? Regardless, it was massively disheartening to hear her say it now.

It was common knowledge in her circle of friends that Spike had lost control at the Fashion Show. Despite Fluttershy’s initial reaction to seeing a baby dragon for the first time, could she be harboring some sort of fear for them now she knew that they can be potentially just as dangerous as a mature one?

If that’s the case, then everypony in town would have realized that by now. The Fashion Show wasn’t the first time he had lost control. He recalled the time during his last birthday when he lost it because of his “greed”, which was a morbid way to put it, if there ever was one. He never spoke of it. Neither did his friends. Never did he have to, or want to, hear a description of what he had done during the time he had lost himself. He didn’t doubt the fact that most ponies in town saw him looming over the buildings, leaving footprints the size of horse drawn carriages.

This led Spike to an obvious and depressing fact of the matter. He wasn’t welcome here as a dragon anymore. It took a while with lots of help from Twilight and her friends to mend the trust he had damaged with the townsfolk. It was an awful truth to face. No way was he going to come to any sort of happy ending as a dragon. If only he was as naive as he used to be. He might just believe that the town collectively had a heart, large and kind enough, to let him renter society as if nothing had happened, overlooking the constant risk.

It didn’t matter what he believed. It didn’t matter what he wanted to believe, not anymore. His mind had become hardened to the thoughts that once allowed him escape. It was another thing out of his power. Like his feelings, like his dragon heritage. Becoming a pony, even though, that too, was given to him without option, was something he trusted and did not resent. He had only been bearing in mind the fact, but he was sure now. He didn’t want to be a dragon again. Not for what it was, but what it did to him.

Spike suddenly came back to reality. He had been just sitting for a while, sitting silently with such a serious expression that Fluttershy sat nervously in her seat, wondering what she had done wrong to garner such behavior from him.

“Fluttershy?” he asked to make sure if she was all right. Upon moving, after having sat still for some time, he felt the chilled tea cup in his hoof. Thin wisps of steam were no longer rising from the liquid’s surface.

“I’m sorry if I’m boring you.” The insecurity her voice carried hit Spike in the chest like a cannon ball. He had been so stupid to let himself fall into the pit of his thoughts, leave her like this.

“It’s not you.” Spike shook his head. “I’m really enjoying being here. It’s given me a good chance to relax, get away from things, have some time to think. There’s a lot of my mind and occasionally forget where I am when I try and organize my thoughts.”

“It doesn’t seem like I’ll be of help in any way. If you want to be alone, then I can be somewhere else.”

Being alone now was kind of what Spike had been leaning towards these past few moments. As much as he wanted to sit and be by himself for a while, he had to take it upon himself to keep Fluttershy company, as she had proved to him that she really wanted this meeting with him. There were a few things Spike wanted her thoughts on. All this time he had thought it would be out of his character to ask such peculiar questions. Fluttershy was probably thinking that she was on the brink of losing him, and at this point she wouldn’t be too picky on whatever subject he wanted to discuss.

“You’ve got a wonderful talent dealing with all kinds of animals,” Spike began. “But that doesn't sound like the case with dragons. You have a differing opinion than any other animals that you’ve handled so far.”

“There had been times where I’ve had to stand up to dragons before, but it was a relief it wasn’t the kind that would have ripped me to pieces had I done so. Unlike the one you chased away.”

“So you’re not afraid of all dragons?” Spike asked.

“Just because I’ve stood up to them, doesn’t mean I’m fearless of them. If they’re huge, gigantic, terrible, enormous, and teeth-gnashing, I just have no way around it…”

“That couldn’t be the case with baby dragons, can it? They’re different, aren’t they? Like your friend, Spike, for example. He was one from what I’ve heard.”

“I love baby dragons!” Fluttershy suddenly took on a pleasant tone. However, it faded quite abruptly. “But I didn’t know too much about them, so I wasn’t aware of how erratic they could be, even though they can be the dearest little things.”

“So you’re scared of them too? What about Spike? Do you think he still has a place here?”

“Of course he has a place here. This is his home. Every living thing, animal, dragons, even ponies can’t be without a home.”

“What about the risks? Spike doesn’t want to return. I expect you would know. He definitely wouldn’t want to bear the responsibility of endangering his town. This isn’t the first time it’s happened, isn’t it? Don’t you think it would be better for him to avoid places he doesn’t want to endanger?”

“There’s a part of him he can’t control, and unfortunately he has to take the blame for it. Spike would never want to destroy everything around him, but his bad side makes him do so, against his will, I’m sure. It would be unfair to hold Spike responsible for being the way his bad side is.”

“But it’s his responsibility to control it.” Spike had just escaped his pit of thoughts, but he had nothing for Fluttershy trying to shove him back into it. “It's his fault for letting out of control, isn’t it?”

“Problem animals have a bad side that they have a hard time resisting. They just can’t help it sometimes and their instincts force them to do things without their consent. Before I knew Spike, I didn’t know that dragons also had their own struggle. It turns out that they had the worst of it, which is actually part of the reason I fear them. I’m afraid that their bad side would be out of my ability to handle, despite my talent with animals.

“Watching Spike, I got to see just how difficult it was for him to live with that struggle. He was doing what I was afraid to on his own. Spike has feelings too, he’s our friend, and it’s not fair that he has to hold himself back because he just happens to be a dragon. It’s not fair to punish him for things he can’t help.”

“What comes after that?” Spike began to feel dizzy. “It doesn’t matter if it’s fair or not, does it? What good does it do for Spike? It might just make things harder for him to swallow, telling him he just has to live under unfair circumstances, settle with the bad hand he was dealt. What can you do? What can I-“

“Ruby,” Fluttershy interrupted him in a calming fashion. “Despite how I am, I always try to speak for the misunderstood animals. We can’t do much for Spike but provide love, understanding, and a home. Give him the things he doesn’t have to win his unfair struggle against his bad side and the circumstances that come with it. Spike helped me believe that there can be kindness and compassion in a dragon, even more than ponies, the best of it. We have to make sure that those good qualities are never blocked out.”

“You’re saying that you’re fine with Spike returning? What about Twilight and the rest? The townsponies, what would they think of him?”

“We can always help the townsponies understand. Twilight and the others wouldn’t care. They would wish for Spike to be safe and okay.”

“You won’t hold it against him for ruining the Fashion Show, for how he is?”

“What ruined the Fashion Show was something different. Something I hope Spike will learn to overcome. I also hope he’d come home and let his friends help him do so.”

“Something different…” Spike repeated to himself quietly.

Spike’s feelings, his heart, they were a part of him. They were out of his control, very much like the scaled monster that resided within him. He had believed that he had no choice but to be enslaved by it, that it was him, a part of him. Very much like his feelings, he often questioned if that monster was “Spike”, a beast that is unable to distinguish prey and friends.

Now he was to believe that he wasn’t the dragon. He was the one that fought it. He was embarrassed to admit that he had lost to it times before. In the end, this conversation proved to have been little help to his current conflicts.

His friends, other ponies can tell him that they didn’t blame him for it all. While that in itself carries some value, he now blamed himself for not being able to resist the dragon. He was a pony. The dragon in him is long gone. The mistakes were past, and he is unable to repair any of it, no way to repair the present that resulted from it, turn things back to how they used to be.

“Ruby?” Fluttershy called out to him. “Did you forget where you were again?”

Spike’s eyes returned from their state of vagueness, widening from a half-open, distant look.

“My bad,” Spike replied. He didn’t have much of an excuse for these moments of detachment. “Like I said, way too many things on my mind at once."

Fluttershy looked at him as if asking if expecting him to tell her he had just missed everything that she had just said.

"Don't worry, I was listening." Spike made a small smile, to let Fluttershy know that there was nothing wrong. She was, strangely, not put off by his questions or his interest in his missing dragon self. She actually returned his small smile as if that was what she had wanted to talk about all along.

“It’s not often I get the chance to talk to other ponies about something I’m confident in. Then again, I don’t remember the last time somepony had cared enough to hear me out this long.”

“This is actually the first time I’ve heard you talk as long as you have.” Spike smiled, going back to before he was a pony. Fluttershy wouldn’t know what he actually meant.

“Me too,” Fluttershy giggled. “Maybe not the first, but it sure does feel that way after being at the receiving end of conversation most of the time. You said you came here to relax, but I ended up talking too much, didn’t I? You seem to be worked up instead.”

“No, that's not it. You're fine, really.” Spike denied. “There were a few things on my mind. I guess I wanted to talk about those things too, not just be alone in your cottage.”

“Is there any particular reason why you’re so interested in Spike and dragons?” Fluttershy asked causally, without a hint of suspicion.

“I just happened to hear his story.” Spike lay back on the sofa and stared at the ceiling. “I was interested in what happened at the Fashion Show, found out more about him from Applejack and Twilight, who he was, what he did, and how he doesn’t want to return. I started to feel sorry for the guy myself. He seemed to be important to everypony, especially Applejack, Twilight …and Rarity. Is that weird? That is weird, isn’t it?”

“That’s not strange at all. Showing so much concern for a dragon you haven’t met before. It just proves how much of a gentle heart you have, don’t you agree?”

Spike only smiled. He wasn’t concerned at all. Unfortunately he wasn’t able to feel as he did for his old self as the impression he had just made. The gentle heart she spoke of wasn’t in him. He was a liar wasn’t he? Making his friends worry for him while he enjoys his new life as a pony. The least he could do was be honest, right?

Living in a place and society that he was born into, but was clearly not meant for. Now he was, and it felt like some kind of compensation for his past hardship. Fluttershy was right. It hadn’t been fair from the start. He had the same feelings, he wanted things too. He wanted to be a part of everything around him. Why had he been the one with only a portion of the right to live? A right that everypony around him has had since their birth, but not his hatching.

Now, he was able to walk among ponies as their equals, their superiors even. He was free of being a dragon, free of constant self-control, free to feel, free to desire, free to chase, free to obtain, to love and be loved, choose, not beg. What was waiting for him if he returned to being a dragon? Nothing that was possible as he was now. Nothing felt more right than having a coat, mane, and a set of hooves.

“Thanks for the tea, Fluttershy,” Spike got off his seat as Fluttershy was startled at his sudden move to leave. “I’ve got to get through the rest of this list. We’ll have more time to spend later this evening, at Twilight’s place. I’m sure you’ll come.”

“Of course, I’ll be there.” Fluttershy nodded following Spike to the front door. “There’s nothing much to do until the sunrise, now that you’re leaving and all.”

“I’ll be sure to drop by often in the near future. Don’t worry about. I’m sure a pony like me will definitely have more reasons to seek your company and think about things. Since I’m headed back to town, why don’t we go together?”

“Oh, I’m afraid I can’t, I have to wake Angel Bunny and get him all ready for this evening. You see, he wanted to stay up to watch the sunrise, but he needs his sleep, or else he gets very cranky. So I told him he can stay up as long as he naps in the afternoon.”

“Sure then, I’ll see you there.” Spike waved to Fluttershy, who waved back until he was all the way across the bridge and out of sight, down the dirt road in the woods, back to town.

He was Spike. He had always been Spike. Spike was not a monster. Those are two separate things.

Without that monster, he was a pony, Ruby. That was what he was now, what he had always hoped to be, himself.

The trees cast streaks of shadows across the dirt path as the sun began to set. Evening wasn’t too far off and Spike was nearing the end of the list. He knew that he had to do it sooner or later. Now that time was upon him. “Rarity” was written in purple letters under the words “Town Hall”.

Spike reminisced to his first day in Ponyville. The moment Twilight first opened the doors to Town Hall. There hadn’t been anything else that made him happier to settle in a new home, regardless of how exciting and desirable the city life proved itself to be. Rarity was all he would think about in his moments of daydreaming, teasing his brain with those sweet thoughts. Some of which he was allowed to live through even for a moment. His time in Canterlot had the most of those moments. They had come to reality, but in the big scheme of things, were just part of an even bigger daydream.

There had been nothing much else he wanted to do then. Reasons to continue did not come to mind when he had reached his dead end. It didn’t matter to him at the time if he had friends waiting for him in Ponyville, ponies that cared. All that mattered was that he had ruined his most prized, invested, beautiful painting in a single, stupid, thoughtless, careless, sweep, and he just wanted to break it. Not just the canvas, but the palette, the brushes. He wanted the paint in puddles at his feet.

He blamed himself for letting his monster take advantage of those feelings, escape his control and do as it wished. He forgot about it, to just once, be alone in his mind, to cry like a child left behind by its mother. That horrible feeling, it was clear in memory. He remembered, realized what it had been, and he had described it to himself flawlessly. It was no wonder Spike avoided Rarity in his mental realm.

Just a thread of thought brought him back to those moments of denial and regret. Before he knew it, he realized that he had been standing in the middle of the dirt road for some time. The last of the warming afternoon sun had lingered long enough on the side of his face to run a bead of sweat down his cheek. Spike swallowed the saliva he had been absent to swallow and continued.

He could have left. That was all he wanted to do at the moment. He would have torn that ticket to Ponyville into pieces without hesitation. Without Rarity it was all over, the one thing he wanted, and he couldn’t have it, and chances were, he was never going to. He had all this turmoil and nowhere to send it to. He could have just let it disappear. Just stop caring entirely, but that was impossible. It still hurt. It still ejects him from his surroundings and into his thoughts.

He didn’t throw away the ticket. He took the train. He was still here after rejection. Why? Because he had friends? Because it was his home? No, those weren’t the reasons. He had lost something and he came to find it, because it still had value to him. He wanted to see if he could restore that beautiful painting. A chance, perhaps…

But that was how he felt then. Although the pain followed him, he would say that it was worn from having been dragged for so long. He realized that there were other surfaces for his brush. The fact of the matter was, he had to decide if it would be better to let the ruined painting be, and embrace a fresh, larger canvas to paint anew, or repair what was his life’s masterpiece, one of it's kind. A masterpiece that was like nothing before, or anything that would come after. He came to find what he had lost, but he had found something else, something potentially greater. He did not expect it, he did not seek it, he did not ask for it, however, it was before him.

Spike unknowingly walked into somepony, blocking his or her path. He was in their way. In this case the normal would be to side step and apologize if it was necessary. However, he was immediately pulled out of his thoughts once again when he realized that Applejack was the one in front of him. She was in her usual western hat, instead of her chef's one, while having forgotten to remove a steak of flour from her face or too concerned with something else to have remembered to do so.

“I’m not finished, just taking a break.” Applejack spoke first, guessing Spike’s question which left him with nothing else prepared to say. “Cobs thought that I’d spent too much time in the heat, so she told me to go for a walk. It’s funny that I was told that by Cobs out of all ponies.”

Spike began to understand what Cobs meant, Applejack spending too much time in the heat. There was indeed something off about Applejack.

“Is there something wrong?” Spike asked. “Do you need me for anything?”

She hid her eyes under the brim of her hat, regretting that she hadn’t worn one with a larger brim so she could cover her face as well.

“I’m sorry about Applebloom and her friends,” she said suddenly, catching Spike even more off guard than she did when she answered his question before he even asked. “I’m not sure how long they’ve been giving you trouble. I’m sure they did it for the sake of fun and games, but if it’s been ongoing for a while, I’d like to apologize. Please forget everything you've heard from them, okay?”

She seemed to have a hard time going into detail about what it was that Applebloom and her friends did. Spike had no reason to have difficulty understanding what she meant by "trouble".

He remembered Scootaloo’s threats to expose what she had heard from him to her. The rest of the CMC would most certainly be in on it by default. It wasn't too difficult to predict what they were going to do with that information, their course of action. Spike placed his money on the possibility that they would’ve told Applejack as soon possible. There was no other way for him to explain her behavior. In this case, Applejack’s been told, alerted to his feelings, and this was her reaction.

Apologizing? A filly’s fun and games? It wasn’t even believable to her? Going as far as to tell him to forget about it all.

Did Spike want this? What should he say? That they weren’t lying? Tell her the truth? Take a leap of faith and explain what she had heard from them himself, through his own words, directly how he felt about her? Accept her apology and forget?

How could he forget? This was no longer Applebloom's fantasy. It was here, inside him, it was real, wasn't it? Does none of it matter, that he shared in Applebloom's fantasy? Did it not make it real? Was it now just a bigger one? How can it not be, when Applejack was asking him to forget about it all?

For all he knew, she could just be trying to save their friendship. Trying to save a good thing from some stupid pony who wants to make it more than it should be. Spike had always wondered how things would have been if Spike had just pretended to be some domesticated pet of Rarity's that night, stayed silent as he was allowed to be humiliated for Rarity's sake.

He would probably spending his time now, fetching glasses of punch and snacks for Rarity at a party. Watching her enjoy herself, while he too, caught some rays of happiness radiating off of her. Anything would have been better than what had happened that night. At least he would still have something left for himself in the end.

But with Applejack, it was more than being Rarity's pet. It was his second chance and he wouldn't have traded the world for it. He couldn't trade the world for it. Not even for a chance at something greater, and risk losing it all. This was for Applejack, this was for him. She asked him forget, rather than tell him otherwise. Perhaps this was her own way of tell him she didn't want to go in another direction.

At least, as Rarity's pet. He would have had another chance to tell her, a better time, even though it might not have ever come. At least he would be able to continue things as is with Applejack. Be with her more until a better time to tell her, perhaps soon, Spike believed. None of them were ready, it seemed, there was too little to decide on. He no longer could afford to be reckless with his feelings.

“Don't worry about it,” Spike replied. “We can't let a few fillies get under our skin, right? It's nothing to apologize about, they've never caused me any trouble.”

Applejack stared at Spike for a few seconds with a small smile. A smile similar to a tired work pony arriving home after a long and exhausting day. He'd looked into Applejack eyes enough to notice that her usual spark wasn't what it usually was.

“So, there aren't any problems?” Spike asked, not too happy about being unable to say anything else, at the same time doing a good job acting as if nothing was bothering him.

“I guess, yeah.” Applejack gave a weak nod, “I better head back now.”

“I'll see you later,” Spike added as she turned.

“Sure.”

Spike stood, remaining in the spot until Applejack was out of sight. He let out a drawn out sigh of exasperation. Feeling somewhat powerless and letdown at how things had turned out. If only he had control of when Applejack found out of his feelings. All because of Applebloom and her darned friends. The awkwardness that he felt towards Rarity had somehow extended to Applejack as well, and that was against everything he liked about being with Applejack.

He never had to think twice when it came to Applejack. Being with her never had to be anything. It didn't mean taking a mandatory gamble for a relationship. It was just happiness, spending days the best way possible. Now his head was spinning, asking himself what Applejack thought of him, what he should do. The last thing he wanted was this to turn into another Rarity, and now it was starting to feel that way to him.

Maybe it was his fault. He wanted it to be a different version of it, and the reason why it wasn't working was because he had failed to prevent the same mistakes he had made before.

Spike realized that he wasn't ready for Applejack. He hadn't been ready for Rarity, either.

Looking into the distance, down the street, past the many lamp posts that were beginning to alight, towards the center of Ponyville. He was only a few minutes away from town hall, and Rarity. Their first private meeting in a long time.

You do understand, don't you?

“I still don't,” Spike whispered, to himself. "I have to."

"For Applejack, for Rarity, for me."