Why I Shouldn't Be in the Royal Guard

by Night Sky

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4748

Two ponies learn to get along while applying chloroform to everypony they can find.

Two fun loving guards put a new spin on the term "national security". To them, everypony is a threat, and they must let nothing stop the Royal Wedding. It takes place right before the wedding, and during it. Watch as they use Chloroform, hilarious forms of interrogation, and weaponized apple pie on ponies who probably don't deserve it.

This is my first fic, so feel free to criticize constructively.
NOTE: I will add more character tags as it becomes necessary.

Published 2013-02-10 07:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-06 07:22:47 UTC

Chapter 1

Why I shouldn't be in the Royal Guard

Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters and this is non-profit and blah blah blah, like anyone's going to actually take the time to go after fanfiction.

Kimono Nomo-Ono watched, horrified, as a Purple mare and Princess Celestia exchanged wedding vows. She had hoped that it would never come to this, but it was the only way to stop the community center from being demolished, and make sure that the cobbler didn't commit Seppuku.

"Dost thou, Princess Celestia, taketh Twilighteth Sparkleth to be thine lawfully wedded Butt-Buddy?" Princess Luna asked, turning towards her tall-as-hell sister. It made sense that Princess Celestia's own sister would preside over the wedding. Who else to handle a goddess's marriage, but another Goddess?

"I do-eth" Celestia replied, smiling all the while.

"And dost thou, Twilighteth Sparkleth, taketh my fair, and totally not a dumn bitch who only got the Sun because mom liked her more, sister to be thine lawfully wedded Butt-Buddy?" Luna said, turning towards a bound and gagged Twilight.

"Mmph mmph mmm-eth, HM HMMM-ETH?!" Twilight tried to say, failing miserably. Kimono watched, tears beginning to form in her eyes. No, she refused to let this happen. This had to be stopped.

"Then, by the powereth investedeth in me-eth by GryphonMingle.com, I noweth prounceth thou..."

"STOP THIS SHAM OF A WEDDING-ETH!!" Kimono shouted, lunging at Luna.

"WHAT BE-ITH THIS?!" Luna cried, being immediately tackled to the ground. Kimono stood atop her, pulling out a miniature crossbow with her Unicorn magic. She carefully took aim at the Princess of the Night, making that the bolt would go through her forehead.

"I AM KIMONO RESNOV, AND I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!" Kimono declared loudly, right as she fired that bolt in between Luna's eyes. The chapel immediately fell apart, crushing many ponies, all of which were running about screaming in a mad frenzy.

"Git da fook up Lassie, it's our tern fur patrollin! Up and at 'em!"It was at that moment that an angry voice came down from the heavens, making all the heads of the surviving ponies explode, in a glorious shower of streamers and latex.

Night Sky woke up, waving her arms around before the chair she was sleeping on finally fell over, leaving her sprawled across the floor. Sporting a sparkling blue coat and a purple mane with a streak of powder blue through it, she would've been beautiful were it not for the large, jagged scar going through her right eye. Her cutie mark was in mathematics. She had been drafted into the REA when she was just 22, during the third great war with the Gryphons. After the war, however, she left the REA and instead enlisted in the Royal Guard.

It was a nice, cushy job. All she had to do was stand there and look pretty in armor. Occasionally there was a robbery in lower Canterlot, or a noblepony revolt, but nothing that required any real work. She wondered if she should retire from the guard, and try to take up a butlery job. It would be nice to be able to stand around all day, doing nothing. She could even change her name to something fancier, like Jeeves, but she had bigger problems. Namely, the large angry earth pony that was yelling in her face at this very moment.

"...and that's why you'll always be a Private!" Plaid Kilt concluded, smiling to himself after what Night assumed was an amazing and insightful look into something completely important.

"Whatever you say, H, just lean back, you're an inch away from my face." Night said to her massive partner. She liked to call him H because he looked like the colors of Hearth's Warming Eve. He had a light, powder green coat with a cute red mane. She would never admit out loud that his mane was cute, because she knew it would go to his head.

"Ugh, just git up already lass, we're already late fer our patrol. And I'm not a pine tree, I'm a much more dignified shade of green." He replied, although he knew that she wasn't going to stop calling him that. He honestly didn't know why they got paired together. Hell, he didn't even know why he was in the guard in the first place. He was a baker. One drunken night, and when he woke up, he had a hell of a hangover and was a Sergeant in the Royal Guard. He also had a normally hyperactive mare as his partner. When he has grandfoals, he'll be able to say to them that he joined the guard not to defend Equestria's freedom, but because he was hella smashed. And those grandfoals will then go into their history classes the next day, with a report written on how you shouldn't mix 7 different types of alcohol together, and exactly how many types of alcohol you should mix (what a wonderful thing and believable thing to present to your class on Veterans Day).

They had both decided to sign up for the Night Guard. Night Sky chose the Night Guard because it was in her bucking name, and Plaid Kilt did it because he was drunk (pay attention). Neither pony knew it, but they were each in for an adventure.

Each pony stared at each other for a little while, backstories running through their heads, wondering what the other is thinking. Soon enough it won't matter, because they'll be out on... guard patrol.

"Well let's get going," Night said after all the backstories and such were finished "somepony needs to stand around in pretty armor and make the nobleponies feel like there was some safety and dignity in Equestria."

"Ay" Kilt replied simply. He handed her a thermos of coffee. "Drink this lass, it'll take away those tired feelings of yers."

5 minutes later...

"I DON'T NEED SLEEP, SLEEP IS FOR MORTALS! HYEEHHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Night yelled out. She didn't really drink much caffeine, so this was pretty new to her. Surprisingly enough. It was going to be a long night, Kilt could already tell.

Author's Note

Feel free to leave your opinion on how I can improve in the comments below. I'm always looking for criticism as long as it's constructive.

Chapter 2

Why I shouldn't be in the Royal Guard

Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the trademarks or copyrights used in this piece of fanfiction. I only own the OCs that I have created.

Night Sky and Plaid Kilt were coming back from their patrol throughout the northern part of Canterlot Castle. The lavender walls provided a pleasant feeling of comfort, despite it being nighttime.

"So then, I jumped into some noblepony's carriage. I said 'I got a hoof here buddy, step on it!" Night Sky said, telling Plaid Kilt how she apparently had gotten asked to join the Royal Guard.

"And all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a crossbow. Well I knew any delay would her her hoof, so I got out of the seat and started walking towards him" It was a big carriage "He says 'Where do you think you're going, crackerjack?' Well I got a little prize for ya, buddy" She then proceeded to buck Plaid in the ribs once, than another time, before finally hitting him in the jaw with her forehoof "PUHYAG, PUHYAG, KIYAH! Knocked him out cold!" Only then turning to notice that she had done the same to her friend.

"Oh..." She said, as she looked down at her unconscious friend.

"Oh..." She said again, this time noticing the maid staring at her. She casually walked up to the maid, put 10 bits in her pocket, and said "You didn't see nothin'." Before slowly backing away. What I was even doing with a severed hoof? She wondered, as she continued to put distance between her and her unconscious Earth Pony friend. I should probably get some ponies to help me take care of him...

The next night...

"So yer sure that's what happened, lass?" Plaid Kilt asked, curious as to how he was apparently knocked out before waking up in the janitor's closet.

"Positive." Night Sky replied without missing a beat "If I hadn't shoved you into the closet at the last second, that bulldozer would've run right through you. It's not my fault that you happened to hit your head on the sink in there."

"What is a bulldozer anyway, lass?" he asked, curious as to what could pose such a threat to him.

"I don't know, ask a scientist!" She half-shouted, eager to change the subject.

"So anyway, why is it that we're the only bloody guards here who don't look like creepy bat demons? Ye think they're racists er somethin'?" asked Plaid, clearly not understanding the concept of racism.

"Racist towards what? Hearth's Warming Eve lights? I'm pretty sure that Holiday was made to end racism." replied the pony who didn't look like a Christmas tree (I can say Christmas, I'm the narrator, I'm in your universe, possibly standing right behind you). "Anyway they told us when we were given our armor, that we would get our sexy bat wings and kitty eyes when we arrest somepony. It shows that we 'bring honor to the Night Guard' or some other propaganda that they shove down our throats" Don't worry Night, you're not the only ponies having propaganda shoved down your throats. For you see, he public school system is doing a similar thing to Equestria's youth. Hail Celestia!

"Yeah, sounds great, but we can't just go arrestin' anypony off the street, lass." observed Plaid Kilt, always one to point out the obvious. We salute you, Captain Obvious of the USS Noshitsherlock!

"Plenty of ponies do something wrong every day, we just need to find them." Night Sky said "And you call me 'lass' way too much. Give me a good nickname, I gave you one."

"No. Ye didn't. Ye looked at a pine tree, then looked at me, and made the connection." said the disgruntled stallion.ont

"Anyways, I don't think you're festive spirit will get me some sexy bat wings, and I don't think it'll get you... whatever it is that Earth Ponies get. Kitty eyes, maybe? There aren't very many Earth Ponies in the guard, you know. Now in the army, there were plenty. They were great for charging at the enemy, and crushing they're cute wittle birdie skulls." Night Sky reminisced, though she personally had served in Equestrian Air Command.

"Aye, I'm breaking down social barriers, lass. They should use der' fancy magic to give me some wings anyway, and even a horn. Make me a regular, ol' alico..." Plaid Kilt was cut off as Night thrusted him against the wall.

"Don't ever talk about that! Don't ever mention those two words in the same sentence!" yelled Night Sky, tears were her eyes. "Don't ever say 'horn' and 'wings' in the same sentence! And don't ever, EVER SAY THE A-WORD!!!" she roared, tears were now rolling down her face. "They were just colts! Just colts, and I ran!!"

"I... what?...I..." Kilt stammered, genuinely scared for once.

"Don't mention those words again, clear?" she said, inches from his face, but she seemed to be calming down a bit....

Then she punched a hole into the ivory column next to her. Calmness levels: questionable.

"k...k...okay..." Kilt finally managed to get out, which was a credit to his bravery because, dear reader, our favorite dark blue Pegasus was royally pissed.

"I need a drink. And possibly a donut." She stormed away. The Trottish stallion just stared after her in shock. Where in bloody tartarus did that come from?

Meanwhile, a unicorn guard passing through the gardens stopped to smell the flowers. And for a minute, he thought he could hear somepony crying.

Author's Note

Thanks for the support I've been getting from my readers, I really appreciate it. I think it will be kinda interesting tosee a character development moment, based off of the notion of something more funny.

How does it still say 1080 words total? Is the site against the 2nd chapter of stories? It's racism!

Chapter 3

Why I Shouldn't Be in the Royal Guard

Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the blah blah that are property of blah blah, we all know the drill.

0200 hours, 17th First Seed, Year 1002 ANM.

Night Sky was sitting alone in Donut Joe's Donutorium. She didn't want to see anypony, and she didn't want them to see her. She just wanted to be alone. She took another sip of coffee, using the tip of her wing to hold the mug. The bitter, black liquid ran over her tongue and down her throat, but she didn't feel a thing (which is pretty damn amazing, considering that it was fresh coffee and was hot as hell. I think the blue mare in the armor deserves a round of applause, hmm?). She could still hear the cries of her platoon as they were destroyed, while she ran. She wanted to go through her hell alone, luckily for her, a certain Earth Pony wouldn't let that happen.

A large, powder green, Trottish stallion charged in through the door, and simultaneously caused as much collateral damage as he could get away with because he was with the police. Of course, this kind of thing was nothing new to Donut Joe, considering that he has seen a lot of sh*t in his life (seriously, a baby dragon walked into his shop one time and got drunk on donuts. What's up with that?). So Joe just decided to keep polishing off the counter with a damp rag, and act like he didn't see the huge abuse of power that my or may not have just happened, depending on Plaid Kilt's intent.

Night Sky heard him come in, but paid him no mind. She hoped that he would at most just grab some coffee and not speak to her.

Plaid Kilt approached her slowly, not wanting to invoke the wrath of the traumatized mare. "Lass," he took a seat beside her. "Ye alright?"

She turned to face him almost instantly. She only had one good eye, but Plaid could feel both boring into him. "Alright? Oh yes, I'm alright. Why wouldn't I be? I escaped after all, and that's all that matters." She replied. She didn't take her eyes off of him. She didn't even blink.

Plaid Kilt became a bit more unnerved, but decided to push forward. "Thank Celestia, because..."

"No I'm not alright, I'll never be alright, I abandoned my ponies. Do you know why I am a private? It's because they thought I was too mentally unstable to be placed any closer to the Princesses! I'm not even close to alright!" She took one large gulp of coffee, before slamming the cup down. It shattered instantly.

"Ye weren't always a private, lass?" Plaid Kilt inquired.

"I WAS A BUCKING LIEUTENANT!" Her wings flared out, her hooves slammed on the counter, only for Night to realize that everyone in the Donutorium was now staring at her. "What the buck are you all looking at?!" She turned towards the ponies staring at her, giving them a glare that would melt steel and cause it to freeze at the same time, before finally calming down in the hopes that the ponies - who really should not be up this early, regardless of how old they are- would go back to whatever they were doing. "I just can't deal with this anymore. Every night, I go to sleep and I still see their faces, still see what was left of them afterwards..." Night Sky broke down into tears, as she buried her face in her forelegs. She sobbed uncontrollably, and all her partner could do was watch, and try to offer what little comfort he could.

"Lass, I know this might not be the best idea, but maybe if you could tell me exactly what happened, it would help a little." Plaid Kilt offered, he half-hoped that she would say no. He had no such luck.

Some time in the past...
Cpt. Thunder Twirl of Omega team stood on a cloud above the Hurat jungle, as she surveyed the area below. She was a little worried about her ponies, but the logic part of her brain told her that they had run this a million times before (in reality, it was closer to eight times).

She turned to watch the sunset, and thought it beautiful. The yellow orb cast an array of colors over the horizon. The orange blended into the red, blended into the purple, blended black into the red, and back into the orange. This was the 8th or so time Omega team had run nighttime patrol throughout and over their sector of the jungle. Normally a Unicorn team would run ground patrol, but a large series of ravines, crevices, and canyons ran through this area of the Hurat, and the Pegasi were the only ones who could move over and through them with ease.

"This is Thunder, calling from base camp, patrol two report in." Thunder Twirl used a mental relay enchantment, essentially a walkie-talkie inside her head, to communicate with the ponies in her squad. She could also use it to communicate with other squad leaders. Code names were not necessary, as these transmissions could not easily be intercepted.

"This is Sky, hearing you loud and clear. There's nothing to report right now, captain. Everything seems fine. What about you, overwatch?" Night Sky responded confidently.

"We see the whole jungle, everything looks fine. You are clear to return to base camp, over." Wind Runner replied, on a cloud high up above base camp with a pair of binoculars.

"K, returning now." Night Sky said informally.

That night, Omega team all sat around the campfire, telling stories (for a military force fighting apex predatory herbivores in the jungles of a foreign nation, they were pretty damn calm). The campfire in question was a massive fire, that easily provided more than 50 percent of the firelight, in the middle of the camp, with smaller fires at other areas and parts of the camp. In the big fire was a lighter talisman. One was issued to every team for when a fire needed to stay lit. If the fire somehow did go out, the talisman would relight it.

"...and when he woke up the next morning, he walked into the bathroom. When he looked at the mirror, there were words scrawled on it in chicken blood..." Wind Runner continued, the stallion clearly enjoyed the suspense he was creating. "The words read... 'I missed my period...'"

At that moment, all the other stallions around the campfire screamed and hid under various pieces of terrain. These included, but were not limited to: a map of Equestria, a log, a rock, and a pile of assorted birth control items.

A Cyan blur hit the poor storyteller straight in the chest. The blow knocked him over, and as he raised his head, he could clearly see his assailant, a young rainbow-maned Pegasus, sitting on top of him and staring him in the face.

"Hey I have a question," Corporal Rainbow Dash asked. She poked her hoof into the stallion's chest to get the point across. "How did she know that she missed her period THAT SOON after sex? I mean, she must've been all like 'Wow, that was some great sex. But wait! I'm not bleeding immediately after! The only explanation is that I'm bucking pregnant!'"

"YES! That's exactly how it works! I can't name a single time where the mare I was with didn't bleed afterwards!" The stallion retorted.

The entire camp stared at the stallion expressions of shock.

Night Sky shook her head and put her head in her hooves. She made it a new personal rule to always stay at least 20 feet from this particular pony.

The entire camp stared at the stallion with expressions of shock.

Thunder Twirl closed her eyes and rubbed her temples with her hooves.

"This is why, Fish Hook. This is why you're not allowed to tell the stories." The Captain said in annoyance.

The entire camp stared at the stallion with expressions of shock.

"Ummm... I'm gonna go do the thing... in the jungle... with the leaves... So you guys have fun, and do whatever, while
I casually walk this way..." Night Sky walked backwards slowly into the jungle, making careful note to keep her eyes on the stallion. Once in the jungle, she turned and walked off towards a little clearing in the jungle where she liked to go to relax. When she got there, she immediately noticed something odd. In her clearing, there was what appeared to be a statue, standing in the middle of the clearing about 10 feet away from her., with colors other than gray. The statue was of a male black Alicorn, and red zebra stripes. Its position was on its hind legs with its forehooves covering its eyes.

Night Sky stared at the statue, intrigued for about 10 seconds before she got bored and decided to sit down, lean herself against a log, and relax. She closed her eyes and let out a breath that our favorite purple-maned Pegasus felt like she had been holding in all day. She opened her eyes and looked at the statue again. She found it a bit creepy how the statue just stood there on all fours and stared at her.

Distracted from relaxing by the annoying statue, she decided to get up and head back to camp and get some shuteye. The blue mare closed her eyes and yawned. When she opened her eyes, she could've sworn that it was closer. Thinking nothing of it, she casually galloped back to camp.

That night, Night Sky had a nightmare that her camp was burning, and she could hear the screams of her squadmates as they met a grisly end.

Night Sky woke up in a cold sweat. She sat up immediately, while panting rapidly, only to suddenly become aware of the screams coming from outside of her tent. Immediately, she realized the gravity of the situation, and knew what had to be done.

"SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!!" Night Sky poked her head out of her tent and yelled at all the noisy ponies outside, before climbing back under the covers, resting her furry blue head against the nice, soft pillow, and going back to sleep.

About ten seconds later...

Wait, doesn't screaming mean danger?

Night Sky's eyes shot open as she realized the gravity of the situation for real this time. Frantically, she jumped out of bed and scrambled to get her gear on. She decided that the armor would take too long to put on, so she just put on her wing blades instead.

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit... She thought confidently as she strode outside, ready to face any challenge that awaited her.

I am not ready to face any challenge that awaits me.

Oh yes you are.

No, I'm not.

Yes. You are.

No, I'm- YOUR SQUADMATES ARE DYING.

Oh, right. Charge!

Night Sky ran outside to see just what featherer dared wake her up in the middle of her beauty sleep without prior written permissionhurt her team. Said featherer would be quickly introduced to her wingblades. She quickly saw one of the most bizarre danger-screamy scenes that could qualify as danger-screamy. All the ponies that she had come to know as total badasses were screaming and running away from... Oh for the love of Celestia. The statue of the Alicorn was in her camp. But this time there was more than one. At first she laughed at the ridiculousness of how a bunch of trained soldiers were scared of some creepy looking statues.

Then the large campfire started to dim, and for some reason, all the ponies in the camp started back up in and slowly moving towards the smaller campfires. It was only then that Night noticed that there were a some ponies missing from the whole group. She saw a green Pegasus mare staring at one Alicorn with absolute fear.

The main campfire went out, a large part of the camp in darkness.And then things got scary. Real cries of terror and anguish tore through the night this time. The fire quickly lit up again, but standing in the green mare's place was another Alicorn. In the same exact position that she had been standing in.

Night Sky looked on with horror, and didn't dare look away from any of them. Then some of the smaller fires went out. Since they didn't have lighter talismans, they stayed out. More cries of anguish pierced the night. Some pegasi tried to fly away, Night could tell, as she could see their silhouettes going up into the air. Then she saw horns appear on them as some Alicorns flew up and caught them before being seen.

About one third of the smaller fires were out, but more kept dimming and eventually going out. The Alicorns now outnumbered the Pegasi. Night Sky turned her head both directions, and noticed that there were now two Alicorns advancing from the right, and one from the left. Night ran for the big campfire, while trying to stare at as many Alicorns as possible in order to not get caught by one. She didn't do very well, as they were slowly advancing on her. The last few fires were starting to go out. Night could hear the anguished and terrified screams and pleas of her once seemingly invicible CO, Thunder Twirl. As the seven remaining survival ponies stood with their backs to the large fire which started to dim and was almost out, Night, as the new CO, gave the only order she could.

"On the count of three, we all fly like hell to the east. Try to stay in a group, but don't stop flying for any reason."

The fire started to wane.

"One."

The fire was significantly dimmer and less protecting.

"Two."

They were all close to screwed at this point.

"THREE!" The fire went out.

Screams and cries once again tore up the night as two Pegasi were caught in the Alicorns' hold. The other five flew like hell and broke away from the campsite, Night Sky included.

More screams were behind them in the air, closer and closer. They all had tears in their eyes, but they knew that stopping for any reason meant death. By the time they all reached safety, only Corporal Rainbow Dash and Lieutenant Night Sky remained. They had made it.

"We eventually were able to make it back onto Equestrian soil. I lost a small part of myself that day, but I had made it." Sky finished, taking a bite of her donut. "Command decided to say 'Buck it, we don't want to deal with this' so they split us up and sent us to different places. I got sent back here as a guard, and Dash got sent off to Ponyville to serve as Weather Manager. Not exactly military, but still a government office nonetheless."

"So they know ye are psychologically scarred in terms of Alicorns, and they put ye in close proximity to the Princesses, lass?" Kilt asked, obviously not understanding the logic that went into that type of decision.

"Eeyup." She replied, casually.

"Well then, it's gettin' late, wanna head in?" The large green stallion asked.

"Ok" Was the reply. "Oh, and H? You're payin' for the coffee." She quickly added before bolting out the door as fast as her wings could carry her.

Author's Note

Hey guys, sorry if this one is a bit less funny than the other ones, my goal here was just to get this done.

Hey guys, sorry this took so long. I've had a lot going on in my life including but not limited to sexual harassment.

Oh, and thank you Colt Vulpes for prereading, and thank you JerrytheHouseGhost for helping me get through my writer's block.

It is 3:17 am, Good Night
Also, since ponies use medieval weapons, I would expect the average operating team to be much larger than a team in our world.