Collab Cage Mini-Monthly January -- "What the hay happened last night?"

Chapters

A First Drink Too Many
The Night Before New Year's Eve
Unreliable
A North and South Thing
Reckless Abandon
A Little Change
Starting the New Year Wrong
The Consequences of Chocolate Rain
Daring Do and the Missing Monday
Hammering in a Lesson
Losing New Year's Eve
Iron Will's Study Guide to Hangovers & Romance

A First Drink Too Many

Twilight woke up early that morning and certainly not in the best of moods. First, there was the sun, far brighter than usual it seemed, finding its way into her eyes no matter where she tossed or turned in her bed. Then there were the birds. Oh, Celestia, the birds would not shut up. Last, but most certainly not least, was her bed. It was lumpy, cold, and very, very hard. In fact, upon opening her eyes, Twilight discovered that she was not, in fact, in her bed, but rather on a bench in Ponyville’s park, draped in a thick blanket. Which would explain quite a few things, to say the least.

She rolled off the bench and onto the ground, failing to keep herself upon her hooves, as her attempt was met with a piercing headache and a bout of disorientation. Ugh, just what happened last night? Blinking a few times, she rolled over on the ground and made an attempt to stand once more. A few failures later, her hooves finally found purchase in the dirt and she managed to hold herself up—leaning against the bench, of course. Her knees weren’t quite that stable yet.

Once her headache dulled a bit, Twilight examined her former bed and the mysterious blanket that came with it. It didn’t take her long to deduce that it was one of Rarity’s blankets, often used when everypony went stargazing with her. Well, if this is Rarity’s blanket, then maybe she knows what happened. I guess I should pay her a visit soon. She shook her head gently and levitated the blanket next to her. It wobbled, but, thankfully, stayed in the air. Alright, one hoof at a time. I should be able to make it back to the library.

An hour passed as Twilight trudged her way back home and upon reaching her front door, she pushed it open and stepped inside, expecting Spike to greet her. No such greeting came, but instead, her nostrils filled with the putrid scent of alcohol, sending her back to the floor in a bout of nausea. As she tried to open her windows, her headache returned in full force, causing her to drop the blanket. Ow. Lots of Magic. Bad. She sighed and massaged her forehead. I guess a shower wouldn’t be a bad idea...

She stumbled up the stairs and into the shower, turning it on. The hot water numbed her headache and so she decided to sit in the shower until it ran out, which happened to turn into about two hours of feeble attempts at piecing together her night. She turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, toweling herself off, feeling marginally refreshed. Her hooves no longer ached, which was good, she thought. Rarity still probably had the best idea of what had happened the previous night, so she trotted downstairs to grab her blanket and head off to meet her.

“Twilight! Feeling not too horrible, I trust?”

Twilight jumped and hit her rear on the wall behind her.. “Augh! Rarity!”

“Oh, sorry Twilight. I didn’t mean to startle you. I went to the park to see how you were doing and you weren’t there, so I thought you might have made your way home already and you didn’t answer the door, so I let myself in. I do hope you don’t mind too much.”

“No, no.” Twilight took a few deep breaths. “It’s alright Rarity. I was meaning to talk to you, anyway. And do you know where Spike is? He wasn’t here when I got back.”

Rarity sighed and levitated a tall glass of orange juice over to Twilight. “I thought you might ask. Here, drink this—you’ll feel much better. And Spike spent the night with me... you weren’t really in any condition to watch over him to the night. He’s at the boutique sorting a new order of cloth that just came in.”

Twilight grasped the drink in her magic and made her way to the couch beside Rarity. “So, uh...”

“You want to know what happened last night, correct?”

Twilight nodded.

“As I’m sure you noticed, you drank... quite a bit. Almost as much as Rainbow Dash did, in fact. I must say, all things considered, you held your liquor extremely well.”

“That’s reassuring.”

Rarity frowned. “Well, no, not really. You, uh—”

“Yes?”

“You were a bit... inappropriate last night.”

Twilight paled and shook her head. “I was what!?”

Cringing, Rarity looked away from Twilight. “Cheerilee was at the party and—”

“Oh no.”

“It started early in the evening... about nine, if I recall correctly. Rainbow Dash already had a few too many and she left to go, erm, pick up Cheerilee.”

Tearing up, Twilight shuffled in her seat, looking around for a tissue. “I—she—she what?” She found one and wiped her nose.

“Cheerilee turned her down at the time, although you didn’t seem to realize it. You very nearly toppled the pegasus when she returned, asking for details. You went to get a drink right after.”

“S—So what happened to Rainbow Dash?”

Rarity shook her head. “Applejack ended up dragging her to Sweet Apple Acres. She’d had far too much to drink and couldn’t make her way back home. Poor Applejack missed the fireworks and the rest of the celebration.”

“And Cheerilee?”

“I... don’t know how to put this, Twilight... she wasn’t happy with you. You ended up following her around and bothering her for the better part of an hour.” Rarity placed a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder and flattened her ears, biting her lower lip while she searched for the right words. “She finally went home when you... I don’t think you want to know.”

“Please, Rarity...?” whispered Twilight.

“You licked her flank.”

Twilight slouched into the couch and stared past Rarity at the wall, her lip trembling. She quickly found herself wrapped in soft, white hooves stroking her back. “I—”

“Shhh, Twilight,” whispered Rarity, levitating another tissue to Twilight. “It’s alright, dear.”

Twilight nuzzled into Rarity’s neck, her shoulders heaving. She cried for several minutes as Rarity continued rubbing her back and providing the occasional tissue.

When Twilight finally ran out of tears, Rarity brushed the last few from Twilight’s cheeks. “Feeling better?”

Twilight nodded lightly. “Mhmm.” She breathed for a moment, and closed her eyes, sinking a little more into Rarity’s embrace. “But what do I do?”

“Honestly, Twilight, I’m not entirely sure that there is much you can do but hope for the best.” When Twilight’s face fell even further and she opened her mouth to speak, Rarity silenced her with a hoof to her lips. “But, I would start by apologizing and offering her some flowers.”

“You think she’ll forgive me?”

“I don’t know for sure, but you won’t know until you ask, will you? She’s a wonderful mare and should understand.” Rarity levitated Twilight off of the couch and placed her on the floor, waiting for her regain her balance. “Now, why don’t you go freshen up and then you can see about making amends.”

Twilight gave Rarity a small smile and began trotting upstairs. “Thanks, Rarity. You’re a great friend, you know that?”

“Think nothing of it. Now, I do believe you have a mare to catch,” said Rarity, returning the smile.

Spike waved a bolt of cloth in front of Rarity’s face. “Uh, Rarity? Hello?”

Rarity watched Twilight skip along the road towards the library, whose face was plastered with the largest smile she’d ever seen on the unicorn from inside the Boutique, her gaze only broken by Spike lightly tapping her nose with the cloth. “Oh! Spike. I’m sorry, I got distracted for a moment.” She levitated the cloth from his grasp and set a few scissors to cutting it.

“What’s so interesting outside? I don’t see anything.”

Rarity shrugged. “Oh, nothing. Just admiring the beautiful weather we’re having.”

The Night Before New Year's Eve

Written by: Slendermuffin

Pinkie Pie's eyes slowly opened. She had a pounding headache and, as the sunlight shined through the windows of Sugarcube Corner, her eyes immediately shut. Pinkie Pie got off the ground and opened her eyes again, trying to get them adjusted to the light. She was in her room, and it was covered in party decorations. Then she remembered she threw a party with her friends the night before New Year's Eve, and that was it, everything went black after that. She then looked at a nearby table and saw two bowls, one with punch and one with what looked like hard apple cider. It all made sense now, the memory loss, the headache, the bowl of cider on the table. She got drunk that night and was now going through a hangover.

"Whoopsie, I guess I had a bit too much to drink," Pinkie said to herself, leaving her room and going into the main room of the sweet shop. "Tonight's New Year's Eve, I should go invite my friends for another party since, as far as I know, they were enjoying themselves at the last one," Pinkie said, looking at a calendar.

Pinkie grabbed some pieces of paper and wrote down six invitations to her New Year's Eve party. She then headed out of the sweet shop and started going to each of her friends. First stop: Twilight's Library.

Cut to Twilight's Library

Pinkie's hoof met the front door of the library as she knocked on the door. In no time at all, Twilight answered the door.

"Hi, Pinkie, that was a nice party you threw last night," Twilight said, forcing a smile on her face.

"Thanks, but I wish I could remember it, anyways, here you go," Pinkie Pie said, taking a letter out of a basket hat she was wearing. Twilight opened up the letter and read through it.

"Another party, don't want to miss that," Twilight said

"Another thing, Twilight, what happened last night?"

"Um... nothing else really, we just...talked, yes we just talked."

Pinkie gave Twilight a suspicious look.

"Twilight, are you making up an excuse like last time?"

"That didn't really happen, I... had a bit too much to drink myself."

"Wow, Twilight, I never pictured you getting hammered."

"Yeah, I'm trying new things," Twilight replied

"Well thanks anyway, hope to see you tonight."

"Bye, Pinkie."

"Bye, Twilight."

Twilight shut the door, and Pinkie started going to Rainbow Dash's house, but Pinkie could've sworn she heard a "Phew" from behind the door.

Cut To Rainbow Dash's Cloud House

"Rainbow, Rainbow, are you up there?" Pinkie screamed

She could hear Rainbow talking to herself from up in her house.

"Find my happy place, find my happy place, find my happy place," Rainbow said

"Hey Rainbow, whatcha doing?"

Rainbow didn't answer.

"Well I'm just going to leave this in your mailbox," Pinkie said. "Also, do you have any idea what happened last night?"

Rainbow still didn't answer

"Well, bye, Rainbow Dash," Pinkie said

"Thank Celestia she's gone," Pinkie heard her say

Pinkie didn't wonder why Rainbow wanted her gone, so she brushed it off.

"Well then, off to Rarity's place," Pinkie said

Cut to the Carousel Boutique

Before Pinkie could knock on the door, she heard the sound of crying from inside. Pinkie could only assume something bad had happened to Rarity, like at the Fashion Show before the Grand Galloping Gala, but what? Pinkie climbed up the tree where Opal was put to get Rarity out before, near her bedroom. Pinkie got a slow peek in and saw Rarity collapsed in her bed in a robe.

"Wow, I wonder what happened that made her so sad. A good party should cheer her up," Pinkie said, climbing down.

She knocked on the door, which was answered by Sweetie Belle.

"Hi, Pinkie," Sweetie said

"Hi, Sweetie, can you give this to Rarity," Pinkie said, giving her the invitation

"Sure thing," Sweetie said

"Thanks, Sweetie, bye," Pinkie said

"Bye, Pinkie," Sweetie said, closing the door.

"I really need to find out what happened last night," Pinkie said, heading to Fluttershy's Cottage.

Cut to Fluttershy's Cottage

Pinkie knocked on the door hastily, hoping for an answer.

"Fluttershy, are you home?"

Fluttershy opened the door

"Hi, Pinkie Pie," she said nervously

"Last night, what happened after I drank too much?" Pinkie asked

"I don't really want to talk about it, if that's okay with you," Fluttershy said

"Please, Fluttershy, can you please tell me, our friends are either crying, Twilight had a good reason because she got drunk too, but can you please tell me?"

"Seriously, Pinkie, I don't want to talk about it," Fluttershy said

"Please, Fluttershy, tell me." Pinkie said again

"Okay, just give me a minute," Fluttershy said

"Thank you, now I'll finally get some answers."

Fluttershy shut the door. Pinkie waited a few seconds before she heard a window open and somepony galloping away. Pinkie rushed over behind the cottage and saw Fluttershy galloping away.

"I really thought I was going to get some answers, now how am I going to find out, and I forgot to give her my invitation," Pinkie said

The Pinkie remembered, she forgot about Applejack, how could she forget about her? Applejack was the Element of Honesty after all, she would tell Pinkie what happened. Pinkie started galloping to Sweet Apple Acres, ready to get some information.

Cut to Sweet Apple Acres

Pinkie arrived at Sweet Apple Acres and found Applejack bucking some trees.

"Hi, Applejack," Pinkie said

"Howdy, Pinkie Pie," Applejack said

"What happened last night?"

"Are you sure you want to know?"

"Yes, I've never been so sure in my life."

"Well, the party was going well, until you had too much to drink."

All of Pinkie's friends were gathered around her at Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie had a mug in her hoof and the cider bowl was nearly empty, Pinkie had managed to go through five of them. Her friends couldn't find out why she hadn't passed out, or died of alcohol poisoning, but it's Pinkie Pie, don't ask questions.

"Pinkie, are you okay?" Rainbow Dash asked

"I'm fine," Pinkie said, a mug of cider in her hoof.

"Don't you think you had a bit too much?"

"I'll let you know when I've had too much!" Pinkie snapped

"We should leave her alone," Applejack suggested

"Maybe you're right," Rarity said

All the other ponies then started taking and left Pinkie to her drinking antics. Twilight, Rainbow and Applejack were in a group and Pinkie took notice that Dash's back side was facing her. Pinkie started blushing as an idea sparked in her head. She went into the bathroom and open her medicine cabinet. Inside were an assortment of pill bottles and syrups for coughs and stuff like that. The bottle that caught was Pinkie's attention was the one labeled Horse Tranquilizers. Pinkie set her cider mug down and sneaked over to the punch bowl. While her friends weren't looking, she put six pills in six cups. Around the same time, her friends had finished their cups, Pinkie gave each of her friends the cups without spilling any because of her drifting from from left to right. Her friends all finished the punch in a matter of minutes, after that all of her friends dropped to the floor. Pinkie then dragged each body down the stairs and into the basement.

Twilight awoke to find a dark room where she could see nothing, she heard her friends talking, but she couldn't quite make it out with all their whining, especially Rarity's. Twilight then looked down, wishing she hadn't. Twilight was dressed in a schoolgirl outfit, and, right then, the room filled with light. She looked around and saw she was suspended in the air being held up by chains along with her friends, whose limbs were all pulled apart, exposing their bodies fully. She then noticed, they were all wearing strange outfits like her. Rarity was wearing black socks on her front and back legs with nothing else. Rainbow Dash was wearing a pink sweater, but unlike her other friends she had a ball gag in her mouth. Applejack was wearing, unlike her other friends, a latex suit. Fluttershy, like Rarity, was wearing socks, except hers were pink and white striped. In front of them all stood Pinkie with a whip in mouth.

"Pinkie, where are we?!" Twilight asked in full panic mode

"Why my S&M Dungeon silly."

"Why are you doing this?" Fluttershy asked tearing up

"We were having a lousy time, I thought I'd spice things up. Now why are we talking, we should get started," Pinkie said

"Please no," the other ponies minus Dash said

"Let's get this party started. Pinkie Pie style."

Pinkie slowly walked to the other five ponies. Just then she stopped, her head spinning, as she vomited on the floor and fell to the ground. Twilight's horn glowed as an idea bloomed in her head, she teleported out of the shackles and got her friends out. Once they all got out, they carried Pinkie to her bed. They all left the sweet shop, trying to put the previous memories behind them. When Twilight got back to the library she dumped the schoolgirl outfit, but not before Spike noticed her and got a little nose bleed.

Pinkie was filled with shock. She couldn't believe she did such a horrible thing.

"I'm so so sorry, Applejack. I didn't mean to do that," Pinkie said

"It's all right, Pinkie, you were drunk, and you didn't know what you were doing."

"Where did I even get this stuff anyway?"

Applejack then remembered seeing some boxes where Pinkie got the equipment. She somehow managed to see who it was meant for. Surprisingly, it wasn't for Pinkie, but for Mr. and Mrs. Cake.

"You don't want to know."

From a nearby tree, Apple Bloom hid behind and listened to their talk.

"I should try that with Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo," she whispered to herself, trying not to alert her sister.

The filly then galloped away to find her friends to play a nice, harmless game.

"Well, Pinkie, I think it's time we have an intervention," Applejack said

Cut to Sugarcube Corner

All six ponies were gathered together in the main room of the sweet shop, all at one table.

"Well, let me start off by saying I'm sorry about what happened last night," Pinkie said

"We forgive you," the other five said

"Then why were you all avoiding me and making excuses before?"

"We were too traumatized, first of all," Rainbow said

"After all, you did try to rape us."

"You all could've just told me, and we could've put all this behind us."

"We never wanted to talk about it," Fluttershy said

"So... what now."

"You gave us invitations," Twilight said "Let's party till the New Year."

"Let's get this party started!" Pinkie said, randomly grabbing her Party Cannon

Thus, they all started partying til the New Year and lived happily ever after.

The End

Unreliable

Written by: Lapison

Pain. A throbbing, insistent thing intent on destroying any thought that tries to assert itself in my mind. It’s my world right now. All I can think about is that burning sensation that flows through my body.

It’s a familiar feeling. I’ve experienced it too much for it to surprise me anymore. If you’re like me, you have to endure it. You can cry. You can beg for it to stop. You can even try to stop it yourself. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that life doesn’t stop to hear your complaints. Better to grit my teeth and soldier on.

Besides, it’s unbecoming of me to succumb this easily to limits like these. What would my mother think of me if I didn’t push on? What would my family think of me? As trite as it seems, never give up has become a favorite saying of mine.

And I don’t intend to give up.

I breathe slowly, gathering myself. I try to drive the pain away through sheer will, internalizing it and breaking it down. It works, to a degree. The pulsing ache seems to fade just enough for me to think, though it’s like wading through a hazy fog thicker than pea soup. I focus on my heart beating as I try to shut out my shrieking limbs. I reach for the threads just beyond my thoughts.

Lub-dub. Forget. Lub-dub. Abandon.

Heal.

The magic comes as I cast one of the most basic spells that I’ve memorized: a simple painkiller. It’s not much, but it’s saved me too many times to count. The spell washes over me, eroding the agony that spreads throughout my body. It can’t end the pain. I know that for a fact. But it’ll allow me to function long enough for me to get my bearings.

And right now, that’s the most important thing. Common sense finally pushes through the fog in my head: When I’m in pain, usually it’s because something bad has happened. If I’m waking up to something like this, it’s because whatever happened hurt me enough for my emergency wards to kick in and send me into unconsciousness.

And if my emergency wards kicked in...that means any other spells I was casting were interrupted.

My breathing suddenly seizes up, and suddenly I’m dizzy, even while my eyes are closed. Oh, no...I scrabble for the spell that’s my lifeline, frantically trying to cast it before my end arrives. Usually, it’s not hard to create this spell’s structure. It’s usually second nature to me. I’ve had to recreate it since I could walk, due to a disorder I’ve carried since birth.

But then again, usually I don’t have a foggy mind hindering me and pain racking my body.

I’m almost done casting it when my mind registers that somepony’s walking above me. Don’t come down. Not yet. You can’t see me like this. I am not helpless. I am not a cripple.

But I am helpless, so long as my lifeline hasn’t been cast. If that spell isn’t around me, then I can’t move. It’s a...crutch, of sorts. It helps me to get around. If it’s not up…

No. I refuse to allow that to happen. I finally reach the last part of the spell, which is always the hardest. Imagine a kaleidoscope, if you will. Fragments of glass are scattered around the mirrored bottom, and it’s impossible to tell which of the images is real, and which is fake.

Imagine looking at that, and then choosing one particular shard and plucking it from the well, all in one smooth motion.

It’s almost impossible to do without focus. The image is duplicated and distorted from reality, skewing your aim, and more often than not, the piece of glass you pull out isn’t the one you wanted.

But my life depends on me successfully casting this spell. I cannot afford to fail.

And as I release the magic again, my lips curl up in a thin smile as I feel the spell wash over me, coating my entire body. It buffers my limbs, lending strength to them. Or at least I like to think it does.

I stagger upright on my newfound strength, using a convenient wall behind me for support. My limbs shriek in pain, as does...my back? My spine seems to have shooting pains as well. That’s unexpected. I...there’s no reason that my back should hurt. I’m not a pegasus. Only pegasi would hurt their back from lying on a hard stone floor like I was; their wings get cramps, which affect their back muscles. For now, I’ll just dismiss the strange back pains as an anomaly.

Now that my link to life is established, I decide to take a look around. My eyes scan the room I’m in multiple times as my semiconscious brain tries to piece together my surroundings.

The room is dark and cool. Perfect for a hangover, or someplace to hide away from the world. It’s made of stone; not too surprising, since almost every building in this world is made out of wood, stone, and grass. A lone stairway leads upward, which means that there’s only one entrance (or exit). What is surprising is the barrels lining the walls. It’s obviously some type of beverage storage place, but I don’t remember coming down here.

Come to think of it, even though the fog is beginning to clear from my head, last night seems strangely fuzzy. Just what happened last night? Where...where am I? Questions begin to flood into my mind, clamoring for attention.

But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. First things first: let’s see if I can move in a straight line.

Two shaky steps later, my face plants itself in the ground. So much for that idea. At least I moved relatively steadily. I clench my teeth and get back up.

As the seconds pass while I regain my sense of balance, I hear the pony upstairs again. They don’t seem to know that I’m down here; otherwise, they probably would have sent somepony down to check on me. Or maybe...maybe they don’t own the place? Great, another question I have to ponder.

I try walking again; this time, my target is the barrel three steps away. I reach it with only a bit of swaying. Good.

Maybe there was a subconscious reason that I chose the barrel for my target; my brain abruptly informs me that my mouth is parched, dry as the desert near Appleloosa. My stomach joins the rebellion, moaning for food...

Wait...no, that’s a bad simile. Dodge Junction would be better.

Either way, I decide to quench my thirst from this barrel. My mind might be clearer if I drink something cold. I levitate the top off the barrel, placing it gently to one side. No need to alert the owners to my presence just yet; I don’t want to worry them. I prepare myself for the aroma of grapes or berries, but I don’t smell anything. Curious. I take a tentative sip of the liquid and feel cool, refreshing water slip down my throat...

Water? I’m not complaining or anything...but water? Are all the barrels here filled with water? Why would somepony store water in a room that looks like a wine cellar?

It doesn’t matter. Actually, this is better than I expected. In hindsigh–heh, so recently and I’m using hindsight– I realize that drinking wine might not have been the best choice. I was willing to take that risk if it meant that I could think more clearly after something cold, but with water, there isn’t any risk. Plus, given my current state of mind, I really don’t need to get drunk.

Unfortunately, it isn’t any substitute for food. But I can ignore hunger; it’s a secondary need to my thirst. I disregard it for now.

I dunk my head into the barrel, gulping down as much as I can. My mind clears as the cold water cuts through the rest of the fog like a hot knife through butter. But with clarity comes more questions.

If this place isn’t a wine cellar, then I couldn’t have been hungover. However, alcohol would have been the best explanation for why I woke up in an unfamiliar setting. Now I have to answer that question as well.

It seems as if my memory can’t answer anything pertaining to last night. It remains fuzzy and unknown, even after the quick bath. An epiphany strikes me: any conclusions I’ve drawn might not be correct; I have to start from scratch if I’m to have any hope of finding out just what happened.

With that thought in mind, I decide to crack open a few more barrels. The second and third contain water again, but the fourth contains a potent moonshine concoction; it doesn’t smell like anything, but the sip I take burns my tongue and tastes of elderberries. I’m dizzy from just imbibing a bit of it.

Well, that might answer one of my questions. This place is a wine cellar; the water is used to dilute the strong wines that are stored here. If this is a wine cellar...this building I’m in is probably Canterlot Castle.

A host of new questions spring up in place of the old. If this is Canterlot Castle, what am I doing here? How did I get into this wine cellar? Does Celestia know I’m here? Does anypony?

But that’s one question down. Maybe I can answer a few more...if I play my cards right. It’s time to get some other opinions on what happened last night.

I have to think this through though. If I surprise the occupants of this place, most likely they’ll clam up and not tell me anything. And if this is Canterlot Castle, chances are they’re going to wonder how in Celestia’s name a unicorn got past all the royal guards.

I need a story to explain how I got here. Or at least an excuse to have come here and gotten past the guards at the front gate. But one thing’s for sure. I have no excuse for languishing in a wine cellar. It’s high time I got the buck out of here.

I reel back through my memories, searching for a modification to my lifelink spell that I haven’t used since foalhood. It was taught to me by my mother, who noticed I was getting bullied and had me learn it for self-defense. As I remember the exact formulation, I smile. It’s always a pleasure to remember something long forgotten. I make the necessary changes.

My body begins to fade from sight. First my hooves disappear. My chest, haunch and withers vanish next. The last thing to go are my eyes.

For sneaking around and evasion, this little gem’s unparalleled. The magic itself is undetectable, since even a spell can’t detect it. The only way that somepony can detect me is if they bump into me, or if they detect that something in the environment is off. It’s not an invisibility spell though; my mother drummed that into my head so many times. It’s a chameleon spell. I can still be spotted if I move too fast. Moving also drains my energy, since the spell has to change to my surroundings. It doesn’t mask sound, erase hoofsteps, or hide shadows.

But I’ve never been caught using this spell, and I certainly don’t intend to get caught using it now. With the changes in place, I climb the stairs carefully—thank Celestia that nopony decided to come down while I was out, that would have been a disaster—and step out into a hallway lined with windows. Celestia’s sun shines through the glass a bit too much for my liking; the shadow I cast will be obvious. But I have no choice.

And why...why does my back still hurt? Stars above, I’m a unicorn! I shouldn’t hurt this badly! There has to be some other reason...I flick back through my lessons on the physiology of ponies, searching for….

Wait. I know about physiology? Back up. I freeze in place, considering the facts that my mind just presented.

I’m a unicorn...with a knowledge of physiology. I’m in Canterlot Castle...presumably, that means I live or work near here...so...that doesn’t make sense. How would I know about Dodge Junction...wait, never mind, that works...hmmm…Oh. That should have been obvious. I wonder why I didn’t pick up on it sooner. No matter. I remember now.

With that little thing out of the way, I notice a room that seems to be open. Even better, I can hear breathing inside it.

Breathing means other ponies. Other ponies mean answers.

And answers are what I crave at the moment. I quickly and meaningfully cross the hall, ignoring the shadows and sounds that my crossing makes. I also ignore the drain on my magic, though I know that I should probably watch how much I use.

I walk into a ballroom that’s been turned into the aftermath of a manticore rampage. Spilled drinks all over the floor. Ponies passed out here and there. Food scattered across the tables. Tipped over chairs and shattered vases.

In other words, a perfect cover story. I relax my camouflage, allowing the modifications I made to my lifelink to dissipate. I think I’m safe here. My stomach complains again, but I ignore the gurgles that it makes.

I walk over to the nearest pony, a mare with a pale aquamarine coat and a (for lack of a better word) minty mane. She’s out like a light, but that doesn’t faze me; I have ways to help those who are disabled. My magic activates again, a gentle green aura descending on the patient.

The poor mare splutters a bit as my spell takes effect, followed by moans; it’s not the most gentle of awakenings, but it does the trick. “Wh-whuh…?”

“Shhhhh…” I coax. “Wake up, wake up…”

I slowly help her up to a sitting position. She opens her eyes and stares at me blankly. “Where...where did you come from?” I have no idea what she sees; does she see a cool and collected stallion? A ruffled mare? An unkempt young colt?

Best to start paying attention to myself. “I was called here around midnight. Something about a wild party and passed out ponies, vomiting, the works.” My voice rolls out gently and quietly, but firmly. It’s clearly a stallion’s voice; somepony who knows what he’s doing and how to do it. I’m a professional.

She perks up. “Oh, you’re a doctor? Were you here last night?”

“Yes. You may call me Bones.” My name leaps to my lips as if it were natural to me, and why wouldn’t it be? Time to take a gamble though; if this works, it’ll serve to ingratiate me into her memories of last night, and possibly get her to open up. “I’m with Canterlot Medical; the receptionist said that there needed to be somepony on site in case the humungous parties ended up with a few wounds. I drew the short straw, so I was stationed here. I have to admit though, I wasn’t the most diligent of ponies; I fell asleep in that corner over there.” I gesture to an arbitrary nook of the room that was empty.

Her brow furrows. “I never heard anything about doctors being stationed at parties.”

Ah. Well, that didn’t turn out as well as I’d expected. Still, could’ve been worse; I could have guessed that this was Manehattan, or that the local hospital was called UCanterlot. “Well...you see, Miss…” I demur, stalling for a bit of time.

“Heartstrings. Lyra Heartstrings.” She seems to be speaking softly, almost as if she didn’t want to disturb the sleeping ponies around her. Hmm...wine...soft speaking...disorientation. My horn lights up again, this time with a more intense green.

“Please stay still, Miss Heartstrings.”

“Wha-what are you doing?” There’s a hint of distrust in her voice. Maybe she noticed that I changed the subject. If so, she’s an astute thinker; if she’s not lucid, that’s even worse, because this spell will clear her mind. And I can’t end it now, so let’s just roll with it.

“I’m using a spell of my own devising.” I couldn’t resist puffing out my chest a little at that statement. “It reduces the effects of hangovers, which is what I think you’re suffering from. Now, hold still please.”

“Urgh. Could you…” Lyra’s eye’s widen slightly as my spell took effect. “Oh. Oh wow.”

“Helpful, I presume?” I meet her eyes, and she actually manages to focus on me.

“Yes, much! Thank you. Um…” She shuffles about uncomfortably. “So, did you see what...what happened last night?”

Excellent. I’ve won her trust with that little miracle of mine. Now the hook. “I didn’t. I was hoping you could tell me, seeing as I was passed out in that little corner for most of the night.”

“Nothing much!” She says it just a bit too quickly. In other words: liar. I couldn’t say that out loud though; that would have been much too blatant.

“Lyra, I’m not a policepony or a Royal Guard. I’m not going to turn you in for something you did. Plus, I actually have a reason behind this. I need to perform triage, and I can’t tell if some of these ponies took a bash to the head that I didn’t see.” It sounds fancy, coming out of my mouth.

That’s one of the downsides of my lifelink spell; it forces a slight disconnect between my actions and thoughts. Sometimes, it feels as if I’m watching another pony that’s not me. It’s so easy to just…put myself on autopilot.

But whatever I said, it must have made sense, because Lyra seems to buy it. “Fine...I believe you. But there really isn’t much to it. I got invited to a party with Bon-Bon, my close friend. We came here. Turns out it was a couple’s party, some sort of ‘New Year’s Resolution’. It was awkward at first. We had matching invitations and everything too; it’s like Celestia meant for this to happen. But then...”

Something about the way she trails off set my imagination aflame. And I now have a sneaking suspicion about just what really happened.

“And everypony had sex, am I right?” I state it bluntly. Best to just get that heavy beast out of the way.

“What?! No! No!” Lyra laughs a tad nervously. “Um...OK, maybe. Not really. Kinda.”

I tip my head to one side. “You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t really follow.”

“So...it was a couple’s party. And some of the couples got a little raunchy.” Lyra blushes as she says it.

“Ah. So, most ponies had sex.”

“Um...I’d call it half and half.”

“And the other half?”

“Some of us slow danced...a few of us made out. The rest of us just...it was a normal party, y’know?” Lyra was avoiding the subject of her and Bon-Bon, but hey, patient confidentiality, right? Whatever that means.

But that’s what happened last night. A really raunchy party. Ooooookay. Now that I’ve got answers, I want desperately to leave. But something...some deeper instinct stops me. Something...something that I had to do?

I grudgingly admit that as a doctor, I should be helping everypony. I decide to get my job over with.

“Miss Heartstrings?” Lyra turns her head toward me. “Are some couples still here?” I tiptoe around the delicate subject, but my meaning is clear.

Lyra’s eyes light up with recognition. “Oh, yes. They should be in the private chambers right off from here.”

“Well then. I’m going to go wake up the lovebirds. I’ll teach you the revival and hangover spells, and you can wake up everyone in here, m’kay?”

Lyra seems quite...enthusiastic about that. “Okay! Let’s go!”

After I teach her the spell—or at least I think I did—I go into the first room. An alabaster unicorn is sleeping soundly with a charcoal earth pony. Both seem happy and content...and it’s like their joy, their bond, it’s... I stand still for a few heartbeats, uncertain as to what this means. And it’s here that I finally make some sense out of this entire scenario.

The back pains. My understanding of physiology. My green magic. It all clicks. And with that all comes my most vital revelation.

I extend my magic once more, going back to a spell that’s even more fundamental to me than my lifelink. I again focus in on my heart, but for entirely different reasons.

Lub-dub. Remember. Lub-dub. Return.

Feed.

As I take in just barely under the noticeable amount, a memory springs back to me…the reason why I did this...

We had managed to create a new safe area, south of Canterlot. But...my survivors were dying. Of hunger. Of fear. Of loss of faith in our way of life.

We were so close to having it all...and all foiled, smashed to pieces. By the one thing we needed most.

We needed love to feed. But it was love that crippled us.

I knew I could rebuild. I knew that I could wait.

But I knew equally well that my family could not. They were helpless, starving. They were loyal to me, and at such a cost. Many wondered whether I led them to a massacre.

I would not let my subjects, my family, die. I would not abandon them. I would serve them as they had served me: faithfully, honorably, and dutifully.

So when rumors of a party held at Canterlot Castle with veritable mountains of love reached my ears, with enough to feed my family for a decade at least...well, how could I say no?

I was a fool. I thought I could soldier on, weather the pain and the hunger just long enough for the payback. I was wrong.

I left Haven a few hours before the party was due to start. I insisted that my family take almost all of what I had; I assured them that I would be fine.

I managed to sneak into the castle. It wasn’t hard. I simply disguised myself as a royal guard off duty, and then bluffed that I was the off shift for one of the guards. Poor stallions were probably dying of boredom and longing for a few drinks, so I gave them a reprieve. Once they came back and found I was still there, it was child’s play to convince them to let me in.

But I couldn’t find the room that housed the ball. I searched ever so long for it...I walked through corridors, up and down stairs, looked into every room...the castle was a maze to me. I never remembered it being so hard to navigate.

When I finally did find what I sought, I was weak from lack of sleep, continuous use of magic, and hunger. I was in no shape to march in and absorb energy; my aura was flickering feebly, and I knew that soon, I would end up consuming myself, the only source of food left for me.

The sweet sounds of love, of joy, the treasure that I had sought....so close, and yet so far away. It was taunting me...I thought I had failed.

Luckily, I had always prepared for eventualities like this; my emergency spells would fill my stomach with a reserve of love sealed deep within me, and pack me off to sleep to regenerate my magic. What I barely realized in time was that when they activated, they would destroy any chance I had of defending myself.

I managed to crawl down into an adjacent storeroom, as black waves lapped against my vision. I couldn’t have cared less where I was; all I knew was that it was quiet, dark, and it was better than the hallway. As soon as I slumped down, sleep overcame me.

So that’s what happened last night, actually. Luckily, the aftermath of this party seems to be...rather prevalent. I can gather all the love I need. My family will feed again. I almost cry from the sheer relief. That I’ve done my duty, done what I needed to.

Well, everything except the loose ends. I cast the spells I need to, and as I leave, I hear a soft groan as the charcoal mare begins to stir.

I quickly slip into a routine: drain, cast, leave. It’s also probably good for my image; Lyra’s still awake in there, and she’s waking up more and more ponies. It’ll make it easier to pass myself off as one of them.

My wings and legs are sore though; I probably won’t be able to gallop or fly for a few days. But that’s no big issue; with this much love, I can teleport and still not be fazed. And as I go through the last of my motions, I see a crowd of ponies beginning to coalesce in the main ballroom. Time to use them to my advantage.

I walk into the crowd, easily switch my voice from the cool professional tones I was just using and call out, “Hey, let’s get the buck outta here!”

Oh, it’s all too easy to take control of the mob. And as they begin to move, looking for the exit, I smile.

Today, we shall feed. Today, we shall recover. Today, we shall be reborn. Today, we shall discover ourselves again.

Today, it’s a new year. And I intend to make the most of it. For I am Queen Chrysalis, and I will succeed against all odds.

Never back down. Never cower in fear. Never give up.

A North and South Thing

Written by: Andy Jack

Spring light drifted through the crystal clear windows and birds chirped happily outside of the room playing in the warm morning. Other than the chirp of birds and the rustle of green trees in the distance, everything was quiet. Dust drifted gracefully through the room, circling, spinning and dancing in a soft ballet as the day started. Under the window was a fluffy pink bed with comfy duvets and blankets scattered across it.

Apple Fritter was drooling on all over her pillow. She snorted herself awake in a manly way and slowly dragged herself into a sitting position. “I hate mornings,” She scorned. Apple Fritter’s emerald mane fell down her back without her hair band and her pale coat needed a good grooming. But, her bed had never felt so plump, soft and fluffy.

“Another year of crud”

Apple Fritter yawned and stretched herself off. Clearing the gunk from her eyes, she noticed something was wrong. Her room was a dirty, brown, barn that smelled of hay. This room was white; the smell of fresh flowers wafted in through the window; outside her room was an apple orchard; outside that room was a meadow.

She came to a simple conclusion.

“Ah’m in somepony else’s bedroom,” she gasped.

A soft breath came from beside her, but she didn’t want to look over. A rush of thoughts rolled through her head, criticising her. “What happened? What stupid stuff have I got myself into? How easy am I? What am I doing here? Should I make a bolt for the door?”

“Shiny, come back to bed...” A voice cooed. Apple Fritter froze.

Princess Cadance was lying next to her with her soft pink hair sprawled out around her and she hugged a pillow like it was her best friend.

She wanted to scream, she really did. Apple Fritter’s mind drew a blank when she tried to remember what had happened the night before. Nothing, she could remember absolutely nothing.

Biting down hard on her hoof, a bigger problem came to mind, she could get arrested for being there. Her husband was a royal guard and between the two of them they blew thousands of invading critters right off the side of a mountain when even Princess Celestia couldn’t!

Apple Fritter had only met the princess once and that was a complete honour. She had thanked her for her part in the wedding and helping to cater it by creating the buffet and cake. But, it was all rushed and she knew why, she wasn’t stupid. Two newlyweds on their wedding night were bound to be in a rush to get somewhere private.

A hoof pulled Apple Fritter down onto the pillow she had drooled on during her sleep. She guessed the princess had awoken and pinned her to the bed for interrogation or torture or interrogation AND torture just to find out if she might be a changeling. Hell, she would too if she had been trapped in a cave for a week while a giant bug took her place at a wedding.

She whimpered at the thought.

She knew it was a weak defence, but she yelled into the pillow “I SWEAR I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I GOT HERE!” The pillow muffled her voice but the hooves were still around her neck.

She managed to turn her head enough so that she could see the princess. She was still asleep... and hugging her around the neck like a pillow. “Oh...kay?”

Apple Fritter breathed a sigh of relief. She took a second to thank someone, anyone that she was still alive. After a second, she realised she still wasn’t exactly in the prime of places.

For a simple farm pony she was quite smart. She did all the money work at the farm in Appaloosa, she did the supplies and she was the brightest student from her school (or at least was when she went). She knew there was no way she could escape the Princess’s grip without waking her. But, that brought back the previous problem. She didn’t want to be tortured to death. That was number one on the list of thing’s she didn’t want to do.

Apple Fritter let out a little whine. She could just bolt for the door when the princess let go? In her head it was pretty easy what to choose. Run or die to death? But, then again if she tried to run she could just grab her with her magic or out manoeuvre her with her wings...

“Oh, screw it Ah’ll just run”

Apple Fritter gave herself a few seconds to prepare. Thirty seconds later she braced herself and jabbed the pink princess hard in the stomach with her hoof.

Cadance sighed in her sleep “No... Shiny it’s too early...” she moaned as she let go of Apple Fritter and rolled onto her other side. “I have a headache... I’m not in the mood... I feel too chubby.... Whatever will work this early...”

Apple Fritter on her part was free, a little greener than usual, but free.

No torturing to death for her!

She jumped softly onto the stained oak floor and landed with a soft clop. Apple Fritter looked around the room and listed things she saw. “Window, bed, door, table, dresser, weird cuckoo clock, another door, and a set of mannequins... creepy mannequin,” she whispered to herself as she stretched herself again. Freedom felt good. Two problems now though. A: Which door and B: How the BUCK did she get here?

She gave it a quick thought and nothing about the day before stuck out in her mind. She woke up, went to the market with Candy Apple, got hit on by Meadow Song AGAIN, worked the northwest field of the southern farm with Braeburn and Apple Juice, went to a New Year’s party and most importantly went to bed in HER OWN BED. Something didn’t add up. So unless something happened the night before that she didn’t remember she was just going to pin it all on magic and hope that it went away.

She brought herself back to the matter at hand... hoof. Which door? She resorted to the ancient and sacred choosing method of eenie meenie miney mo. She pointed to each door in turn and ended up finally on the left one.

“It’s as good as any Ah guess,” she thought to herself as she trotted quietly towards it.

She swung the door quietly open, stepped through clumsily and closed it again. She grinned to herself, she escaped!

She turned to go down the hall, but collided with the white wall and stumbled onto her haunches. “Dammit” she muttered. As she stood, she looked up, but instead of seeing the wall she saw Shining Armour. CAPTAIN Shining Armour. PRINCE Captain Shining Armour.

He glared down at her, being easily twice her size. “Who are you?” She was worried about the wrong spouse!

She had to think fast. Lying wasn’t an Apple family strong suit but if something smart didn’t come out of her mouth she would just have to leg it.

“Ah... Uh... Am the new maid?” She gave him a half hearted smile.

Shining Armour relaxed a bit and smiled “Oh, what happened to Feather Dust?” he asked nonchalantly.

“Errm, off ill?”

He crossed his front hooves and gave her a smug smile “Ah, yeah, that’s the winter months for you. Everypony has a cold!” He laughed knowingly.

“Yeah...” She laughed back nervously. “Sooo, ah should go... the Princess asked for a coffee.” She shimmied around him in the small hallway till they ended up in the opposite positions. “Have a good day, Sir... Uh, your majesty!”

“Oh and Miss!” He called as she trotted away. She froze in place like a cat. “Would you mind bringing up my sword from next to the front door? I misplaced it.” He asked too innocently.

She breathed a silent sigh of relief. “No...” She almost said before adding “Uh, no problem your highness!”

She bowed and walked backwards till she got to a corner. As soon as she turned she darted far, FAR away from the king of the Crystal Empire or whatever his title was nowadays. She ended up at the bottom of a large staircase that looked like it led to a front door.

Outside the hallway window she could see the birds frolicking in the soft spring light. She had made it!

She was home free! But, it begged the question that kept bugging her “How did I get here?”

She knew she hadn’t drunk anything the night before, and she knew she hadn’t gotten anypony mad. At least, she hoped not. That would have sucked.

She pinned it on magic.

Magic was evil.

Before her was a large garden that was surrounded by huge hedges and had multi-coloured flowers lining the floors giving it a rainbow look.

She trotted out into the front gardens slightly happier, but still confused. Now all she had to do was look inconspicuous about being... wherever she was. After that, all she had to do was find a way home, get there and sleep in her bed forever.

As she trotted off through the spring flowers, she thanked her luck that “Feather Dust” was off with a winter cold...

She stopped and thought, “Wait...” She’d been had.

“You don’t have to look for my sword anymore Miss, I found it.”

“...Crud...” Apple Fritter gulped.

Shining Armour laughed behind her, probably at her pathetic looking attempts at infiltrating his house. “Now if you would kindly like to come with me, I’d like to ask a few questions,” He said in a more serious tone as he approached her from behind through the large garden “How did you get here?”

“Buck it! Run!” She yelled to herself as she darted out of the garden compound.

Unluckily for her, Shining Armour was a Unicorn. A purple aura engulfed her tail and dragged her back next to Shining Armour. She tried to dig her hooves into the ground, but she just left drag marks.

Yay, torture.

He levitated her up so that she was upside down, but face to face with him. Her emerald locks sprawled about above her face, falling towards the ground “I’ll ask again. Who are you and what are you doing here?”

She bit her lip “AH’M AN APPLE AND I DON’T KNOW!” she yelled.

“...What?”

“Ah mean Apple family!” Apple Fritter yelped.

“Apple Family?”

“Ah was at your wedding!”

“Oh?” He asked uncaringly.

“Ah made the cake and helped cater with Cousin Applejack!”

“Ok, let’s say I do believe you,” he said. “Why are you here?” He asked.

“Ah have no idea!”

He rolls his eyes and say, “Oh, likely story.”

“But Ah’m telling the truth!”

“And I’m the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”

He began to rock back and forwards by her tail “Tell me what the Mahara desert is like!”

Shining Armour span Apple Fritter around by her tail, gaining momentum. “Wait! Wait! Wait!” She tried to call, but couldn’t. He did this for about thirty seconds until he let go.

Apple Fritter on her part was actually pretty calm about her. She only swore ten- twenty- thirty.... thousand times as she was span. Well, no one could blame her, that’d hurt, a lot.

“Bye!” He called after her.

Shining Armour put his hoof on his forehead just under his horn. With a smile, he watched the yellow and emerald pony soar far, far away. He laughed at the shrinking speck in the distance.
“Don’t forget to write!”

A pink blur darted out of the door behind him, sending everything blowing away in the back draft.

Apple Fritter couldn’t keep her eyes open as she flew. She was an earth pony. Emphasis on EARTH! She liked the ground, not the sky. She barely saw the green pass under her. Only one thought passed through her head.

She bucking hated Shining Armour.

But, just as she embraced her quick flight and an even quicker crash, something grabbed onto the scruff of her neck.

“I got you,” the pink Alicorn yelled through her fur, as she banked back.

“That’s it! Ah don’t even know anymore!” Apple Fritter called again above the wind.

Princess Cadance landed soft on the ground, placing Apple Fritter at the base of her hooves.

Shining Armour floated his sword back near the light yellow pony. “Honey, I hope you have a good reason for bringing this shape-shifting freak back into our home?”

Cadance stood over Apple Fritter protectively. “Put the sword away, Shiny.” She glared at him.

“But-!”

“Down, boy, down!”

He frowned, but then rolled his eyes “Fiiine...” He floated it back inside. “But, somepony has a lot of explaining to do,” he grumbled.

Cadance nodded. “Of course”

Apple Fritter sat up a bit and tried to form a valid defence, but her brain wasn’t exactly working at 110%. “Ah just woke up and things were different an--”

She was cut off by Cadance. “But, it’s not you”

“But, ah swear- wait, wah?...” She just sighed and flumped down. “Ah, hay, I don’t care anymore!”

She wasn’t the only one confused. “What!?” Shining Armour yelled.

Cadance smiled knowingly down at her and moved her frizzled mane out of her face. “Don’t worry, this was just a cruel prank gone wrong.” She turned her attention to the large house.

She closed her eyes and her horn lit up with pink magic. The weird cuckoo clock that was on the wall in the bedroom floated outside.

“This is our problem.” She held it between the two of them.

“Eh...?”

“Please, give it a second.” The three of them waited in silence for a few seconds. Shining Armour looked around, watching, waiting for something to happen. But in contrast, Apple Fritter was using the Princess as a meat shield.

The silence carried on for another few minutes until Apple Fritter asked, “So why’s it so warm in January?”

“Magic”

“Huh...”

The cuckoo clock began to shake as the timer hit twenty-three minutes past. A plank came ridiculously far out from the base of the clock and on it sat a smug looking dragon, bat pony, goat... thing.

He was a miniature version of himself and had two even smaller versions of Cadance and Shining Armour which he was playing with. “No, I love you more!” He glanced at the three ponies “Oh--er... Hello!” He threw away the models.

“Discord!” Shining Armour growled.

Within an instant, a large sofa-bed materialised into existence, and with it came a particularly smug looking, full-sized Draconequus. “Yeeesss?”

“Do you ever do anything useful?” Shining Armour asked. “Or do you spend all your time being a prat?”

Discord popped up against his face menacingly. “Who me? Why I would never do anything to disturb a little pony.” He grinned.

Cadance pulled the two apart via magic. She hushed Shiny down and turned to Discord. “Get back to Ponyville now!” she ordered.

His grin turned into a frown “And here I thought you would be the fun Princess.” He pouted. “Alas, it was not meant to be,” he laughed as he began to limber up for a teleport.

“Just stop sending ponies to random places!” Cadance added just as he left.

And as an afterthought, she yelled after him, “And I can be fun!”

_______________________

The three ponies stood in the holiday home’s living room. It was just early evening and Shining Armour had promised to prepare a long teleport to get Apple Fritter home. She had been pampered by the royal couple for her trouble. Fritter had initially declined, but after awhile she thought “Buck it, I deserve a treat.” Fritter had gotten pampered, preened and gotten a free fancy meal with stuff written in French which Shining Armour said was “Stupidly hard to understand, but attracts mares like a magnet.” Cadance did not appreciate this comment.

“Well today has been... odd.” Shining Armour laughed as he prepared the teleport spell. Purple magic warped around his horn, ever-growing in power.

Apple Fritter shared the laugh. “Odd? That’s one word for it.”

“And... I’m still really, really, really sorry about the tail spinning thing.” He flushed a little; his white coat almost magnified it.

“As you should be, Shiny,” Cadance added, still a bit miffed at Discord, but happy she could make Apple Fritter happy. “And I’m still sorry about Discord. He’s supposed to be reformed but you can’t just change someone in a day.”

“It’s fine... Ah mean you did get every damaged hair outta my tail...” Which took a surprisingly long time and as Apple Fritter found out, there were a lot of split ends. But, on the flip side she had never, ever, ever felt so fluffy.

“Well, just glad I could help.” She smiled. She had a nice smile. “And I still remember that you made the best wedding cake I’ve ever had.”

“You remember me from your wedding?” Apple Fritter asked her in surprise.

She frowned a little. “Well, I mean for the bits I was actually there for, yes.”

“Well you looked very pretty in your wedding dress regardless,” she consoled.

“Teleport’s ready!” Shining Armour called as magic reached its apex.

Cadance smiled. “Well, this is goodbye then,” she sighed.

Apple Fritter chuckled to herself; nopony in Appaloosa would believe her. “Ah’ll be sure to stay in touch, your majesty.”

“You make sure you do,” Cadance said kindly as Fritter stepped in front of Shining Armour.

Apple Fritter looked at Shining Armour. “Yeah... Please don’t tell anyone about the spinning thing... I don’t think the Crystal Empire would like to have an abusive prince.”

Apple Fritter liked the idea of having a handsome Knight, a Prince no less, at her mercy even if he did throw her three kilometres. “My lips are sealed,” she whispered under her breath. “For now.”

They said their final goodbyes and waved each other off.

Teleporting was weird for Apple Fritter. Not as unpleasant as flying, but not as stable as walking.
One minute she was in the royal couple’s living room of their holiday home, next, she was in her bedroom again.

Her familiar, hay smelling, brown bedroom.

She glanced out of her second story window and laughed at how accurate Shining Armour was. As she looked out, she saw the Appaloosan desert stretch out before her. Braeburn and his team were tilling some ground to be irrigated, birds were getting ready to fly back to main Equestria and Apple Cherry was having some sort of flame-war with critters.

She laughed to herself again. “What a way to start the year.”

Reckless Abandon

Written by: midnighttowboy

The sweet songs of morning birds woke Berry Punch up from her slumber, the morning sun shining majestically through the blinds. She glanced at the alarm clock she kept on her side table, the bells rusted and broken from lack of use, and saw that it wasn’t even nine yet.

Being that this was the first time she had woken up before noon since high school that she could remember, she was more shocked than if she had woken up to Discord leading a chorus line upon her chest.

She shot up from her pillow, and shifted her gaze around the room. The floor was free of bottles and trash, her meager collection of clothes folded and put on a formerly empty shelf, her bookcase of booze now holding a number of novels and other reading material, and her carpet and walls shined and cleaned to a perfect sparkle. She could barely contain the scream that came from her mouth, before she charged out of the room. “COLGATE, COLGATE!”

She ran down the hall and slammed on her housemates’ door, the brass hinges barely keeping it from crashing to the ground. This barrage of sound was quickly replaced by fearful silence as her unicorn friend had thrown open her door with a flick of the horn. The red of Colgate’s eyes seemed almost burning as she glared at Berry. If looks could kill, Berry would be splattered across three counties, although her stare was tempered somewhat by the pointy hat on her head that said Happy New Year in big gold letters. The silence was punctuated by a single “WHAT.”, the stench of alcohol coming from Colgate almost as strong as her malice filled gaze.

“Are you alright, Colli?”

The blue unicorn blinked once. Twice. Three times.

“Just peachy, Berry.”

As Berry pondered the dripping sarcasm and tried in vain to think up a clever retort, she saw movement from behind her housemate. A blanketed form came up to Colgate, and pushed her flank aside. A white unicorn mare, with electric blue hair, made her way between the two other ponies, and gave a wink to Colgate.

“We sure made some beautiful music, didn’t we Colgate? Call me sometime, yeah?” With that, the mystery mare walked out of sight, the only proof of her exit being a slamming door. Berry could feel her mouth drop open, and she sputtered for a statement.

“Wha- bu- … what even…”

Colgate rolled her eyes. “I guess I was even drunker than I thought. As if this hangover wasn’t proof enough…” She held her hoof up to her forehead, rubbing it in some kind of appeasement to the alcohol spirits to leave her in peace. They did not seem pleased by this gesture, however, as she didn’t recover at all. She fell to her haunches, trying to reorient herself, and unwittingly sat on a pile of cans. The noise only intensified the cause of her woes, and she moaned in agony.

Berry could not believe her eyes, and rubbed them twice to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating. Colgate, DDS, the embodiment of responsibility and restraint, hung over like a college filly on spring break.

“Colgate, I have an important question to ask you, and I need you to answer truthfully.”

“Shoot.”

“Did we switch bodies last night?”

Colgate’s hoof moved fast as lightning, hitting Berry right on the nose. Berry yelped like a punished hound, and rubbed her wounded snout. “Sorry, it just seems like something is wrong.”

“I’ll say. My stupid friend is bothering me while I have a hangover, something I would have thought she’d have sympathy towards.”

“Seriously, Colli. My room is spotless. Did you know I have carpet in there, because I didn’t! And my bookshelf actually has books on it now. ACTUAL BOOKS. Like, with pages and everything!”

“What a shocker.”

Berry rolled her eyes, and snorted at Colgate. “You know what, if you don’t want to know what happened, fine, but I’m getting to the bottom of this.”

“Pffft. The only thing you can get to the bottom of is a bottle.”

Drunk Colgate had all the manners of a thrashing crocodile, without any of the charm, and Berry groaned in annoyance and left her hungover friend to deal with her own issues. Colgate yelled something about where the door could hit Berry, and stomped her way back to bed. A mystery was ahoof, and Berry planned to get to the heart of it. She had to work fast, because… well, she was bored. And it’s not like she had anything else to do, since she didn’t have work for a couple of days, and Colgate was not exactly in a good mood.

“I’m on the case,” ahe said to nopony in particular. She left her house in a heartbeat, without bothering to freshen up or eat breakfast--unfortunately not an uncommon experience for her, although usually she’s spinning drunk at that point. Where is a lead, where is a lead… from the corner of her eye, she saw her first piece of the puzzle: the white unicorn who came out of Colgate’s room. Berry trotted like a bat out of Tartarus, barely avoiding knocking over the confused looking mare. “I’m glad I caught you while you were still on your ‘walk of shame’, Vinyl.”

“Baby, there is nothing shameful about what your friend and I did last night.” The unicorn smirked to herself. “Well, maybe a couple things.”

“Right…” Berry tried to imagine anything that wasn’t her friend and this mare together. “But I wanted to ask you a couple of questions, if that’s okay.”

“Shoot, babe.”

“Was Colgate or I acting weird last night?”

The DJ shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know Colgate that well to really know, and I didn’t see you at all last night.”
“Really?”

“Yeah,” She thought about it for a moment. “Although, Colgate was drinking a lot. I assumed that she was just getting into the New Year’s spirit, but when I went over to mingle, she was mumbling about someone ‘changing the dynamic’ and ‘not discussing it with her first’. I don’t really know what that was about.” She shook her mane about a bit, getting it out of her eyes. “So, I decided to give her a little ‘Vinyl charm’ and… well, I think you can fill in the rest.”

“Believe me, I can, even if I didn’t want to.”

This made Vinyl chuckle. “Well, if you want to know more about what was going on with your roommate, you might wanna go over to the bar she was at that night. The Prancing Pony. Now, I got to go meet up with Tavi. She’s gonna be pissed that I didn’t show up for her party, and I’m not sure even my silver tongue can get me out of this if I’m late.”

Berry nodded in thanks, and started her journey across town. The Prancing Pony wasn’t a big place by any stretch of the imagination, but it had heart, generally kind staff, and cheap alcohol, so it was all right in her book. It was on a side street, so it took a bit of a detour to get her there, but soon she was standing under the crooked wooden sign that welcomed all visitors. She slid open the old door and felt the welcoming feeling of warm food and friendly conversation wash over her. Over at the bar, the barkeep Butterburr--a surprisingly difficult name to pronounce when the influence of several glasses of whiskey are surging through you--dried off glasses and brought orders out of the kitchen. His eyes lit up when he saw Berry, in the same way a miner looks at gold, or a tiger looks at a wounded gazelle.

“Can I get you something, Berry, dear? I hear your brother has finished up that pale ale you were talking about last month.”

“Nah, I’m good Butters. I just have some questions.”

Butterburr deflated like a balloon, but put on a happy face anyway. “Okay, anything for my favorite customer.”

“Did you see Colgate here last night?”

“Yeah, she was here for a while. I asked her where you were, and she just rolled her eyes and snorted. She mentioned you got some important mail, but when I tried to pry she just told me to drop it.”

Berry rubbed her hooves together in concentration. “Why wouldn’t I remember that letter?”

“Years of partying will do that to you, Berry.”

She frowned. “That’s probably true, but my room is spotless now, I would have seen the letter lying somewhere in there, or on the table.” She began to hyperventilate, trying to remember in vain where she misplaced that letter.

The barkeep could see the worried look on her face, and put a hoof on her shoulder. “Look, don’t worry about it, dear. You could just ask ol’ Ditzy Doo about it. If it was important enough that it made Colgate turn to drink, it’ll be important enough for Ditzy to remember.” He smiled, a broken grin with missing teeth and overall crookedness, but there was a charm in it that made Berry feel much better. She gave her own goofy grin. “That-a-girl. Now, get out of here before you scare off my costumers.” He winked, and Berry laughed as she left the bar.

Berry, in a decidedly better mood, had now started trotting casually to the home of Ponyville’s greatest--and only--Mailmare. This was going to be a journey across town, but in a bit of luck, her odyssey ended much closer, as she found Ditzy outside her coltfriend’s watch shop/house, tapping her hoof patiently, despite the slightly annoyed look on her face. Berry approached her with trepidation, but as soon as Ditzy saw her coming her disposition immediately changed to her normal cheery self.

“Hey, Berry! How’s everything?”

“Good, Ditzy. And you?”

Ditzy glanced over at the window, where a brown earth pony was running past. He quickly stuck his head out the window and said “Just a minute, love! If I don’t find that clock key, the mayor will cut off my cutie mark and mount it on her wall!”

Ditzy sighed and rolled her eyes , a motion hard to tell from their normal rotations. “Busy, but not bad. Time Turner is in the middle of some project for the mayor, and it’s been eating up his schedule. This is our date night, but just as we were about to leave he realized he lost the key to the clock he made for her waiting room.”

“Sorry to hear that, Ditzy.”

The mailmare just smiled at Berry. “It’s not a big deal, just a little annoying is all.” The moment she stopped talking, the gears in her head began turning at maximum capacity, and she leaped in the air in a moment of surprise. “I totally forgot to say this yesterday. Congrats on the letter, Berry!”

Berry cringed at the mention of the letter. “Actually, that’s why I’m here. I kind of… can’t find my letter, and I can’t remember what it was about.”

Ditzy gasped, and her crossed eyes soon focused straight on her. “You mean you can’t remember?! You were bragging about how much you were waiting on it for weeks, and how it meant your dream was finally coming true.”

“But what was it, Ditzy?”

The Pegasus looked exasperated, and took a deep breath. “It was a response from an adoption agency, Berry. You’re going to be a mother!”

With that, all the memories came flooding back.

A month ago, Berry sat in a pale white waiting room, her hindlegs shifting on the seat while her forelegs flipped through a three month old magazine. She had made the trip all the way up to Canterlot, hoping she could maybe convince the Home for Orphan Foals that she could be fit for a mother. The wait was unbearable, and she practically jumped through the roof when a mare came out and said “We’ll see you now, Ms. Punch.”

The actual office was no more exciting than the waiting room, although at least the waiting room had an aquarium. A fancy wooden desk sat in the center of the room, with comfy seats on both sides. One held a delicate looking unicorn, her blonde mane curled and brightened, and her strawberry coat shiny and clean. “Take a seat, please.” Berry nodded a bit too fast, and sat down, trying hard not to sigh in content from the wonderful seat holding her flank.

“Now, Ms. Punch, I hear you want to adopt one of our young fillies or colts. Is this correct?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“You have some good things on your record. Graduated from Canterlot University, co-owner of Punch and Co. Spirits, and generally considered a nice and courteous mare.”

This was going better than Berry thought, she realized. The mare hadn’t even mentione-

“But, there is the matter of the criminal record.”

Crap.

“You’ve been found at least three times guilty of disturbing the peace, all related to alcohol. You’ve been found by neighbors in bushes, alleys, and ditches, and have a reputation of being a so-called ‘party mare’. What do you have to say about this?”

Berry was trembling, knowing this would come up but hoping that maybe she’d get lucky. Panic set in, and she couldn’t speak.

“Anything, Miss Punch?”

She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.

“Well, if this is the case, I’m afraid that you’ll have to-“

“Wait.”

The mare looked shocked, as if the desk itself began to talk.

“I… I’ve done some things I’m not proud of. I have drunk myself into stupors, partied until I was ill, and done things with other ponies I regret. But I want to change that. I’ve been clean for a couple weeks, and I’m enrolled in a recovery group, who will notify you if I fall off the wagon. I’m focusing more on my business, with my brothers’ help. And I know that I will love any child with all my heart, and will give them the home they deserve.” Her lips began to tremble. “B-but, I understand if you feel I am not a suitable parent. A foal deserves a mother who isn’t t-thought of as the town drunk, or a ‘p-p-party mare’. I should just leave.” Berry began to lift herself up, but now it was the unicorns turn to shock someone.

“Sit back down, Ms. Punch. With some help, I think you can be a wonderful mother. Now, let;s look at some of our children...”

This, of course, led to the letter, which surprised Berry on the last day of the year. Ditzy could see Berry glowing in delight as she began to cry in joy, pulling down the mailmare for a hug. It wasn’t until she had gotten back home that she realized this may not be all sunshine and rainbows.

“What do you mean, a mother? Why didn’t you talk to me about this?!”
Colgate was practically boiling in anger, as she stared into Berry’s eyes. “I had tried, Colli, but you were always busy with your work, or with trying to get that clinic started up. I had left you all kinds of notes, and always wanted to bring it up in conversation, but you always got distracted.”

“Damn it, Berry, don’t try to make me the bad guy! We had just gotten settled into this situation, and now you’re screwing it up because your biological clock is ticking? This is just like you.” Colgate thrashed her hooves about, steaming, before she marched her way out of the house and, presumably, into the sweet,sweet arms of beer and loose mares. Berry, stressed and sad and angry, sat around the rest of the night, eating more ice cream than she’d admit, and soon falling asleep right after midnight.

Berry felt like a fool for forgetting, but that was drowned out by one thing. “I’m… I’m gonna be a mother.” She leaped into the air, wrapping her hooves around Ditzy. “I’M GONNA BE A MOTHER!”

“Didn’t we do this before?”

Berry smiled embarrassedly. “Well, yeah. But remember how you felt when you first realized you were gonna have Dinky?”

Ditzy nodded. “Although I actually had to go through labor…” before Berry could think she was harboring any mean will, she grinned and stuck out her tongue. “Congrats again, Berry. You’ll make a wonderful mom, if this excitement is anything to go by.”

“Thanks, Ditzy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I got to get back home. Good luck with Turner.”

The pegasus gave an odd look to the window of her stallion’s house. “I… should go check on him. He hasn’t screamed or freaked out in a while. Bye, Berry.”

It was almost sunset by the time Berry got home. She had silently entered the house, hoping not to enrage her drunken housemate, but the smell of baked goods made her abandon the plan, leaving it to drift in the waters of her mind as she raced to investigate the tantalizing scent. A plate of cookies, freshly baked, laid upon the table. Standing by it was a sober and downtrodden looking Colgate, who wrapped her forelegs around Berry immediately. “I’m sorry for being so rude today, Berry. And for… last night. It was kind of a shock, you know.”

“I know. And I should have made more of an effort to tell you. You deserve to know when something like this is happening, and I know I can’t do this on my own.”

“Still best friends?”

“Always.” Berry returned Colgate’s embrace, and the two stood there for a bit, happy to be happy again.

“I am gonna miss your drunken shenanigans, though.” Colgate let go of Berry and sat at the table.

“Well, you can just fill that gap instead. I know Vinyl seemed pretty happy about last night.”

Colgate blushed. “Don’t remind me.” She quickly grabbed a cookie, and thought of how to change the subject. “So, what is your kid’s name?”

“Her name is Ruby. She’s this wonderful little unicorn filly, around the same age as the most recent Apple; Applebloom, I think.”

“Yeah, I know her. She practically tried to bite my hoof off when I was trying to do an examination of her teeth.” Both Colgate and Berry laughed at the idea.
“She would do that, wouldn’t she? Anyway, about Ruby….”

This conversation went well into the night, as the two mares began to think of a third member of their little family running underhoof. Before she knew it, Berry had become the unwitting pillow of a certain tired dentist. Not that she minded. So, she just laid there, staring through her window at the stars, a single thought passing through her head before she succumbed to slumber as well.

Happy New Year.

A Little Change

Written by: iDash

The room was quiet. A musty, stale stench filled it as small particles of dust floated around, only visible in the small beams of sunlight that managed to pour in through the crack between the curtains. Said sunlight had been making its way into the room since the beginning of the morning, slowly inching towards the bed where a regal white mare lay. As the warmth of the sunlight tickled her nose, she scrunched up her face and drifted into consciousness just enough to shuffle around under the silky blanket and position it over her head, covering all but her proud and sharp horn. As she shifted, however, a pulsing pain shot through her head, causing her to wince from the pain.

‘Ow, why in Equestria does my-’ the same pulsing pain interrupted her as even the act of thinking seemed to inflict punishment upon her frail cranium. She didn’t even know why she bothered asking as the obvious answer drifted to the front of her mind. Despite what many ponies thought, even a seemingly almighty princess could be affected by things as trifling as hangovers, and this one seemed to be taking its toll on her. It wasn’t her first, and knowing her luck with alcoholic beverages, it most likely wasn’t her last, but it was certainly one of the stronger ones she’d had.

Celestia groaned and struggled to move off of her side so that she wasn’t lying on her wing in the uncomfortable way that she was. While doing so, though, the blanket decided to slide off of her face and down her muzzle, letting the sun shine through her closed eyelids in all of its blinding glory. She groaned and scrunched up her face once again.

Her still lethargic body managed to gain control of one of her front hooves as it lifted itself slightly and moved under the silken covers. She moved it round in search for a pillow that she could place over herself to shield her from the relentless sun. The hoof snaked over the plush, soft bed that she lay on until it finally came in contact with something. Celestia smiled inwardly to herself as she went to grab the cushion. Her tired train of thought as well as her smile ended as she grasped for it, though.

Something was wrong about the ‘pillow’. Was it her or did it feel... bigger? And slightly harder? Eyes still closed, she frowned slightly as she slowly ran her hoof across the hard and... moving surface. She kept going until she felt another surface. Was that hair she felt? And then she heard it, the tell-tale soft, rhythmic noise that only came from a peacefully sleeping pony.

Ignoring her headache along with her lethargy and nausea, Celestia’s eyes shot open as the rest of her body froze.The first thing her slightly blurred vision settle on was the set of alabaster white fangs, only a few inches away from her own muzzle. The next was the sea green hair that flowed elegantly over the black surface. Celestia’s eyes drifted over the dark mare’s form until they came to her hooves which seemed to possess several holes in them. In her sudden state of shock, Celestia shot up instantly, unceremoniously throwing the blanket off of her in a flurry and seemingly disturbing the mare that lay next to her.

Chrysalis stirred at the sudden movement and shifted until the pouring sunlight was not upon her own face. She opened her eyes just enough so that she could see through the tiny opening between her eyelids and moved her tired gaze towards the solar diarch before her. She mumbled something unintelligible and shut her eyes once more, turning her head back as she snuggled back into the near cloud-like bed.

“Morning,” she grumbled.

Celestia just stared in sheer disbelief at the queen that lay in her bed, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. Thoughts rushed by and questions ran rampant in her still waking mind. One, however, remained prominent, and after she gained control over some of her senses, she proceeded to voice it.

“WHY THE HAY ARE YOU IN MY BED!”

“Well, it looks like you girls had quite the night.” Cadance wore a bright smile as she spoke. The two she spoke to, though, sat on opposite sides of a table the princess of love had conjured up, sipping away at tea without the slightest hint of joy in their demeanor. She had come in to see if something was wrong after Celestia’s outburst.

They were both hard at work trying to rid themselves of their very bothersome hangovers, both of which had been acquired as a result of a very hectic New Year’s celebration that had taken place the previous night.

“Ugh,” Chrysalis groaned as she rubbed her temple with a hoof. She glared briefly at the pink alicorn beside her. “How is it that you don’t have a mind numbing hangover like us?”

Cadance looked over to the to the queen. Unlike the other changelings, who possessed chitin armor instead of fur, Chrysalis had a sleek black coat comprised of very fine fur, a special quality of a queen.

The princess shrugged. “I don’t know.” She adorned a thoughtful expression and raised a hoof to her chin. “Come to think of it, I’ve never gotten a hangover before.”

“That’s-” Chrysalis began.

“Weird.” Celestia finished her sentence for her as she gave a quizzical look to her niece.

Cadance put on a mock pouting face for a moment and then smirked. “At least I didn’t wake up to a random mare in my bed this morning.”

Celestia’s eyes shot open wide as she gave a frightened look to Cadance. “Oh, Faust! Cadance, please tell me that we didn’t-” The pink alicorn cut her off by placing a hoof over her mouth as she began to giggle with the same bright smile.

“Don’t worry, auntie. you girls didn’t do anything. You both just got tired and decided to sleep wherever was comfortable, I guess.”

Both alicorns released a sigh of relief. If they had done something... well, needless to say, it would not have ended well.

Celestia used what she could of her magic, hindered by the headache, to lift the tea cup and take another drink. She smiled as she felt the effects of the tea beginning to work and the ache fading away. A thought came to her head at the same time, however, and she turned her gaze to the changeling queen in front of her with a quizzical look.

“So, why were you here last night anyways? And how did you make it without getting chased out by guard ponies?” she asked.

Chrysalis gave her a glare before taking another sip of her tea and then speaking. “It’s not my fault. You’re the one who barged into my home-”

“You have a home?” Cadance interrupted. The queen gave her a deadpan look then continued to speak.

“Anyways, you’re the one who barged into my home shouting ‘Huzzah!’ as if you were drunk off your flank, which you were, and then dragged me off to the party against my will. I don’t remember much after that.” She set the cup of tea down and let on a small smile. “Though, from what I do remember, It was quite a fun night.”

Cadance beamed. “It was great! We all had so much fun.” She nudged Chrysalis with a hoof. “And I never knew you could dance like that, Chrissy.” the queen’s gaze turned down and the other two mares could’ve sworn she was blushing slightly through her dark fur.

Celestia smiled warmly and then raised a brow as she turned her head to her niece. “I must say, though, I’m a little surprised at you, Cadance.”

The pink alicorn cocked her head with a confused look. “Why’s that?”

“Well,” Celestia said, “despite the events of the wedding, you don’t seem to harbor any negative feelings for Chrysalis at all.”

Cadance raised a hoof to her chin in thought again before smiling and shrugging as she wrapped a hoof around Chrysalis’ neck and pulling her into a friendly embrace. “Well, what kind of princess of love would I be if I couldn’t forgive her? Besides, what’s in the past doesn’t matter, and we had so much fun together last night, too!”

Chrysalis’ blush deepened, but she still let a small smile appear on her features. After a moment, she looked up to Celestia and spoke. “And what about you, princess? You don’t seem to abhor me as I’d have thought you would.”

Celestia smiled at her again. “My little ponies were safe in the end, and that’s all that matters to me. So, I have nothing against you, Chrysalis.”

The queen’s gaze shifted down again, but her content expression remained. After a moment of silence she spoke up again in a much quieter voice.

“Thank you.”

Cadance beamed and they continued to drink their tea. They took their time enjoying the sweet, pleasant silence. The sun was now high in the sky, signaling that it was almost noon. With her headache finally subsiding, Celestia let out a content sigh as she set her small glass down once more.

“Now, I think it’s about time we get you home, Chrysalis.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Does it look like I’m smiling right now?”

Celestia facehooved with a frustrated groan while Cadance held a hoof over her muzzle as she tried in vain to mask her giggles. In front of them both, stood a pony, one that most would’ve passed off as a Canterlot noble mare, her light blue hair fell to one side on her shoulder as a violet streak ran through it. Her sleek mulberry coat glistened in the sunlight, a masquerade mask adorned on each flank as her cutie mark.

There was one problem, though. Whenever the mare spoke, Chrysalis’ nearly two-toned voice came out.

“Why the hay can’t you mask your voice like you always do?” Celestia asked, annoyed.

Chrysalis gave her a cursory glare. “It’s not my fault. Alcohol can really mess with a changeling’s shapeshifting magic.”

Celestia groaned again and Cadance lifted a hoof to pat her aunt on the shoulder. “Don’t worry about it, Tia. We just have to be careful that she doesn’t talk.”

The regal mare sighed . Her horn glowed with a faint yellow light, the same light wrapping around four golden gauntlets while they floated inside the magic field towards the princess. She stepped into each one and lifted her head to rest her royal crown on top.

“Fine, then. Just be cautious,” she said sternly while pointing a hoof towards Chrysalis. “The last thing I want to do is have to deal with more panic and another slew of complaints from some very annoying nobles.” She shuddered at just the thought.

Chrysalis nodded, eager as well to get out without causing a ruckus. With that, the group stepped forward and opened the doors to Celestia’s royal bed chambers, walking out slowly and shifting their gaze down each end of the long hallway while Chrysalis followed close behind.

The trio skulked the surprisingly empty halls of the sun goddess’ royal castle. Their heads pivoted as they scanned the hallways. Nothing but the opalescent, pearl-like walls stared back at them, though. They passed nothing that seemed too alarming. Though, they did come across something that had taken them- especially Celestia- by surprise.

Out of all of the stained glass windows, on a larger one was an unfamiliar picture of a light blue mare with a silvery mane standing on her hind hooves as her front hooves were spread out in the air in a display of grandeur. Her pointy hat and cape adorned with the same astronomical star design and her cutie mark a magic wand surrounded by a swirl of pixie dust in the shape of a crescent moon. She had a large smile plastered on her face.

As Celestia gawked at it, Cadance explained that a mare named Trixie had, in her drunken stupor and with her large ego, taken it upon herself to embed her image onto the stained glass window.

The image was promptly and quickly deleted.

And so, the three continued to trot cautiously down the hallways, almost enjoying the silence.

Barada-dada-dada-dada-dada!

Almost.

Celestia’s eyes went wide as she simultaneously jumped at the sudden noise. Judging by the ‘eep!’ from behind her, Chrysalis had had the same reaction. Cadance, as always seemed calm with her usual smile on her face.

“What the hay was that?!” Celestia said, not bothering to use proper language as nopony would probably hear her.

“That would be a jackhammer,” Cadance answered cheerfully.

Celestia facehooved. “Well I know that, but why?”

“For the hole.”

“The... hole?”

Cadance nodded. “Yeah, the one in your wall.”

“The wall... of the castle?! What happened?!”

Cadance giggled. “Last night, you let Vinyl Scratch use her bass cannon and, well, you can guess how that ended.”

Celestia’s eyes widened again. “I did what?!”

“Um... excuse me,” Chrysalis chimed in. “What’s a bass cannon?”

“Awesome for parties.”

“Weapon of mass destruction.”

Both answers came at the same time, the latter being from a bemused Celestia. Chrysalis, confused as she was, just shook her head as she found out that she wasn’t going to get an actual answer.

“Whatever. Well, can we get going now?”

The other two nodded and they started down the path of the corridor they were walking through. They didn’t get very far, though.

“Cadance!” A shout came from behind them and they each whirled around to see a very happy blue maned unicorn stallion rushing towards them.

“Shining!” Cadance shouted with joy. The pink princess darted off towards her husband.

As they embraced, they rubbed their muzzles together in what Chrysalis considered a sickeningly cute and cuddly show of affection, even for somepony who fed off of love.

“I missed you, Honey Poo,” Cadance said.

‘...Honey Poo?’ Celestia thought.

“I missed you, too, Pooky Bear,” Shining Armor replied, still holding his wife.

‘Pooky... Bear?’ Chrysalis thought.

Celestia and the changeling queen looked at each other with expressions of equal parts confusion and disgust. Celestia just shrugged and turned back to the overly affectionate couple.

They finally released their embrace, both wearing dopey smiles.

“I thought you were supposed to be on guard duty, Cuddle Muffin.”

Shining grinned. “I know. I managed to get off early, though, so you and I have the rest of the day to ourselves, Schmoopey Doo,” he said with a wink.

Chrysalis leaned over and whispered to Celestia, “Schmoopey Doo? Seriously?”

The sun princess gave her a look that was as puzzled as hers and shrugged with an incredulous expression.

Meanwhile, Cadaance’s expression instantly brightened up as she talked excitedly with her husband, who had still somehow not noticed the two others. Though, they had no intentions of announcing their presence.

“Oooohh, Snuggly Wuggly!” Both of the other ponies cringed at the use of yet another strange pet name. “Does this mean we get to do that thing we talked about last night?!” She clapped her hooves together in excitement.

Shining Armor nodded with equal excitement and a sly grin. “Of course! So, if you want to get started...” He gestured with his head down the hallway they were in towards what both bystanders assumed was the couple’s bedroom.

Cadance let out a squeal of excitement and was practically hopping on her hooves. She quickly turned to her two companions.

“I’m sorry, girls. You don’t mind if I go, do you-”

“Yes! Please do!” Celestia cut her off suddenly, but caught herself. “I mean, of course we don’t mind. I think we can make it on our own from here, Cadance.” Celestia smiled warmly at the young princess, noticing out of the corner of her eye Shining Armor hastily bowing and sputtering something that sounded like ‘Oh! PrincessI’msosorry!’.

Cadance let out another squeal of joy as she leaped forward and wrapped her aunt in a hug. “Ooooh! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!”

She then let go of Celestia and darted towards her husband, wrapping the still grinning stallion in her hooves and began racing down the hall.

“Have fun, Auntie! Bye, new friend!” She was careful not to say Chrysalis’ name as she rounded a corner and the two ponies watched as the pair of lovers disappeared.

‘New friend... huh,” Chrysalis thought.

She and Celestia stood in silence for a few minutes, letting the air settle around them, until the latter spoke up.

“So, what exactly was the ‘thing’ she mentioned?” she asked, still looking in the direction the couple ran off.

Celestia shook her head and raised an eyebrow at the changeling. “Do you really want to know?”

Chrysalis paused for a moment to think about it, then gave a noticeable shudder. “On second thought, I’d rather not.”

The white mare turned around with a deep breath and started down the path they were taking before. “Well we better get going. We’re almost there anyways.”

Chrysalis just nodded and followed behind the princess as they made their way out of the castle.

The walk through the castle garden was relatively quiet. The only sounds being the critters that roamed the grounds. There were a few ponies enjoying the scenery here and there, but it wasn’t anything that the two had to worry about.

Here, they were able to relax and walk without having to turn their heads anxiously and anticipate a guard coming upon them. Here, they walked silently along the cobblestone path and past the various statues. They were sculptures of heroes and villains, of ponies and monsters.

Though there was one that stood out to Celestia the most; one she had not seen before and one that they were now staring at incredulously. A few worker ponies, who she had guessed just finished setting up the statue, were checking it to make sure that everything was well and taken care of.

The statue itself showed a stallion standing tall on all hooves. His well kempt mane was swept back as well as his tail. A horn protruded from between his locks and he wore an overly proud grin on his face. Celestia ruefully recognized everything about this pony and the compass rose that was his cutie mark completely gave it away.

She stared in horror at a solid gold statue of her very unpleasant nephew, Prince Blueblood. Her jaw hung down as she gaped at the abomination that now rested in her garden. Her emotions swirled into a mixture of anger, astonishment, and confusion.

Chrysalis seemed equally as confused. She recognized the pony vaguely as a relative of Celestia’s. If that were so, then why would the princess look at it with such... some mixture of anger and disgust?

When Celestia seemed to finally regain her ability to speak, she drew the attention of one of the workers, who quickly bowed before her before trotting over.

She put on a smile to mask her confusion and spoke.

“Excuse me,” she said to the worker. “May I ask what- um, this,” she gestured to the statue with a hoof, “is? And what it is doing in the garden?”

The colt took a nervous step back as he struggled for an answer. “A-a thousand apologies, your highness. This statue was commissioned by Prince Blueblood just last night. And it was with your permission as well.”

Celestia furrowed her brow. “With my permis-” her eyes widened and her brow furrowed once again, but this time with fury rather than confusion.

‘Just how drunk was I?!’ she thought astoundingly to herself.

“Oh, why that little-” she said a very un-princessy word. “He’s going to regret this.”

She noticed that the colt had taken another couple of fearful steps back, noting the princess’ current mood. The regal mare put on a warm smile once more.

“Thank you so much for telling me. You may carry on, sir.” With that, she turned and began to walk back down the path.

Chrysalis followed her with a quizzical look and spoke once they were out of earshot.

“So... you’re just going to leave it there? You’re not going to do anything about it?”

The queen couldn’t see it, but Celestia had her face distorted into an expression of fury and annoyance as she ground her teeth together.

“Oh no,” she growled. “Once I’m done here, that thing is going straight to the sun.”

Chrysalis raised an eyebrow at this, Celestia’s family was quite strange. She shrugged it off, however, and decided to save that for another day.

And so, their walk continued peacefully, Celestia’s irritation subsiding until she was able to enjoy the rest of the walk, even if only a little. She looked over to the changeling in disguise beside her. Chrysalis’ eyes were in constant motion as she looked and gazed at everything they passed by. A look of wonder seemed to have made its way onto her features, and Celestia could’ve sworn that she saw the queen smiling. It wasn’t an evil or sinister sneer either, like she had seen so many times on her, but a warm and sincere smile.

Celestia smiled inwardly to herself. ‘She must truly love to be here,’ she thought to herself.

Their short journey continued with the peaceful silence. Somewhere along the way, the cobblestone turned into dirt and gravel, and then to grass. There were no longer any other ponies around as they walked into the most secluded part of the garden. A wave of warmth and slight happiness washed over the two ponies as a gentle breeze made its way through.

They finally came to a stop, Celestia holding a hoof out to halt Chrysalis. The two stood on the edge of the garden, where the ground stopped, almost as if it were a cliff, and the city laid below. When the queen looked down, she observed the bustling streets of Canterlot during its busiest hours. It reminded her somewhat of her hive- or at least what her hive used to be. Always busy and never a calm moment as they all went about their business.

“Well, this is it. You should be safe to fly since not many guards patrol this area.” Celestia’s voice interrupted her thoughts and she turned to face the diarch. She was presented with an unexpectedly warm smile from the goddess. “I guess this is goodbye.”

Chrysalis seemed to pause for a moment and then nodded her head, walking towards the edge of the cliff.

“Indeed it is, Princess.” She unfurled her wings, still in disguise as a noble pony, and prepared for flight. “Until we meet again.”

Chrysalis was about to launch herself into the waiting skies, but abruptly stopped herself. The mare hesitantly turned around to face Celestia, who held a slightly confused expression.

“We...” she began quietly. “Will we meet again?” Celestia noticed the expression on her face. It seemed eager and hopeful. Though, it seemed to be anxious and a little worried as well.

Celestia’s face softened and she gave another warm smile. “I hope so, It was quite fun to have you here, Chrysalis. And I think Cadance would be quite happy to see her new friend return.”

Chrysalis’ ears perked up and her eyes widened a little when she heard the word ‘friend’. And then Celestia saw it, for the second time. She saw the queen smile. It was small, but it was sincere and truly happy.

As the queen continued to smile, she turned back around and unfurled her wings once more, preparing for flight as wind began to catch under them. She began to lift into the air and turned her head slightly and spoke.

“Goodbye, Celestia.” And with that, she took off into the sky, flying off towards her waiting home and leaving the solar princess and the castle gardens behind her.

Celestia still held her pleasant smile, delighted for her new friend.

Starting the New Year Wrong

Written by: Comet Burst

The room was dark to the point where the color black was considered too bright. Strange noises echoed around the room as well. Moans, squeaks, heavy breathing and sighs were a continuous chorus breaking the stillness of the dark. It was three thirty in the morning as well.

By the time Amethyst Star gained consciousness, it was clearly midday. She weakly lifted her pounding head from a pillow, wishing she could go back to sleep. Her plum purple mane hung down into her eyes, shielding her vulnerable pupils from the light pouring in through the window. Her brain throbbed with each heartbeat; her body was achy, particularly her flank. She yawned and dragged herself out of bed. Last night was New Years, or so she guessed from the party hat that said 'Happy New Year!' Amethyst tried to concentrate, but her mind hurt when she did. Groggy and in dull pain, she trotted out of the room.

She walked like a zombie over to the kitchen, which her mind weakly noted was not in its usual place. She gave a large yawn again and kept walking, drifting back and forth between the hallway and kitchen and a dream. She got herself a mug of coffee with magic, making a slight mess in the process. "Whatever," she grumbled to herself as she spilled some creamer. She would clean it up later. She took a sip of the bitter liquid and felt her headache begin to subside. She took a deep breath and sighed. Maybe today wasn't such a bad day. At least, that's what she thought until an unfamiliar patter of hooves broke the still and Amethyst turned to see a young grey pegasus colt.

"Good morning!" he cried cheerfully and Amethyst froze. Her mind worked on the situation for two seconds before it had a solution. She didn't live with a grey colt. So, in response, Amethyst's mind did the expected reaction. She shrieked rather loudly at the colt and dropped the mug. Amethyst frantically tried to back away from the colt, but he just kept smiling at her. "You have such a pretty voice, even when you're scared," he complimented her and Amethyst's eyes went wide. The colt walked into the kitchen and said "If you're hungry, we have some cereal here." He flew up onto the counter and opened a cabinet full of boxes. "We have Fruity Oh's, Corn Puffs, Crunchy Berries," he listed as he dug through the cabinet, ignoring Amethyst Star's wild gaze. "Oh yeah! My favorite!" he exclaimed as he pulled his head out of the cabinet.

He was a cute kid with purple irises, black mane and a box bigger than his head in his mouth. He spit it out and grabbed it with his hooves. The box turned to face Amethyst and he spoke. "Wheat-E's!" he stated with excitement in his voice, "All the big strong stallions eat these!"

Amethyst was unsure how to respond, so her mouth did. "Why are you in my house?" she asked.

The colt tilted his head and said, "What are you talking about? I live here with my big brother."

It took her mind some time to process this information, enough time for the colt to pour his cereal. "Wait." she began slowly "This isn't 4508 Thoroughbred Lane?"

The colt looked up at her and said "No, this is 2210 Jockey Street."

Amethyst's mind suddenly slammed into place at the realization she was in the wrong home. Before she could say anything, however, the little colt continued. "You know, you are much prettier than the other mares I've seen."

Amethyst narrowed her eyes and asked, "There are more here?"

The colt shook his head and said, "No, but my brother hasn't brought over a nice and pretty mare like you before. They usually are mean to me when I say hi."

Her mind took its time with the information she just heard and when it finally spit out an explanation, Amethyst felt an unusual sense of dread crawl over her. The words 'brought over' and 'brother' stood out in her mind. "Oh no. Oh no no no no no!" she breathed heavily. She now had a suspicion why her flank was hurting.

"Aaaaaauuuuggh!" Amethyst yelled and pelted out of the kitchen.

The little colt watched her run and mumbled, "Did I say something wrong?"

Amethyst bolted through two rooms before finally finding the door and yanked it open. She sped away from the house, desperate to find her friends Diamond Mint, Berry Punch and Sea Swirl. It took her twenty minutes, but she eventually stood at the coffee shop Star-Bucks with her three friends. Berry Punch was clearly hung over along with Sea Swirl, but Diamond Mint seemed to be fine. The trio sat in silence due to three of the four being hung over and finally Amethyst spoke up. "Do you three know what happened last night?"

Diamond Mint gave her an awkward smile and said, "Oh, nothing in particular. We went out and had a couple drinks for New Years and went home."

As she finished, Berry Punch snorted with her head buried in the table and moaned, "Oh, you know darn well we did more than that." She spun her face off the table surface and gave Amethyst an evil grin. "So how was he last night?" she asked slyly.

Amethyst pressed her ears to her head and said, "Who?"

"Wow, you must've had a blackout to not remember," Berry mused with a chuckle.

Sea Swirl chuckled as well and Diamond's eyes shrank. "Berry! That is not nice!" she hissed.

Sea Swirl chimed in, "Oh, like you weren't there. She drank half a bottle of tequila, for Celestia's sake!"

"I did what?!" Amethyst gasped.

Sea Swirl got a dreamy look in her eyes and said, "Oh, it was so romantic. You were so unhappy you were alone, so you drank a couple glasses of wine with Berry and he walked up. He saw you down a whole glass in one drink and challenged you to a drinking contest. You drank half a bottle of tequila in one setting and he was so impressed. He finished the other half and the two of you were inseparable after that." Amethyst paled in response to her friends words.

"That's not romantic!" Diamond Mint almost shouted.

Berry blew raspberries at her and said, "It's how I met Berry Pinch's father."

Sea Swirl sucked her teeth and hummed, "Of course it is romantic! New love on New Years. When midnight came, you two were kissing like crazy, Ammy."

Amethyst felt her stomach fall into her hooves and held back some of last nights... tequila apparently.

"Yeah, I thought you two were going to get on the bar and start doing it. Luckily, he invited you to his place before that happened," Berry childed.

Diamond Mint's eyes were the size of dinner plates and she almost shrieked at the two mares. "You two need to stop it right now! Amethyst is our friend and you need to treat her better than that!"

Berry shrugged her shoulders and retorted, "She was the one who blacked out."

Diamond stomped her hoof and said, "Not like you haven't before, Berry!"

Berry pulled her head up and scowled at Diamond. "Now that was uncalled for. I only get blackout drunk with my stallion."

Diamond's face scrunched up into a somewhat angry face and glowered, "At least she didn't throw up on the bar!"

Sea Swirl burst out laughing and mused, "That's why we had to leave! I was trying to remember that part!" She continued to laugh.

Berry turned her scowl to her coffee and mumbled, "It wasn't that funny."

Amethyst was sure she was about to throw up right there, but managed to ask, "Do you know who the stallion was?"

Diamond spun to her and stated awkwardly, "It was nopony, Ammy! Nopony at all." She smiled unconvincingly again and Amethyst was sure she knew.

However, Sea Swirl spoke up to allay Amethyst’s fears. "Diamond, you knew it was Thunderlane! You told Ammy to talk to him in the first place!" Diamond Mint's face turned into a horrific stare and Amethyst felt her heart stop.

Thunderlane, really?! He was probably the biggest mare chaser in Ponyville and he took her home last night? Amethyst couldn't hold back the tequila any longer and ran to a trash can. She emptied the foul smelling and utterly disgusting tasting contents of her stomach while Berry and Sea Swirl roaring with laughter. Diamond tried in vain to chastise them, but Amethyst felt herself go woozy. Without saying goodbye, she trotted off to her house with her head hung low.

As she approached her door twenty five minutes later, a voice came from behind her. "Hey, Amethyst Star?" She turned to face the speaker and her eyes shrunk horribly.

The tall dark grey Thunderlane stood behind her grinning awkwardly and the small colt she had met this morning bounced around his hooves. "See? I told you this is where she lived, big brother," he said in an excited tone.

Thunderlane swatted a wing in his face and felt a blush start to wander up his face. "Sorry about him. Um... Can we talk? You know, over lunch?" He gave Amethyst his best awkward grin.

Amethyst's mind raced. 'Oh, Celestia.' she thought 'Did we really?' She offered him her best awkward grin and mumbled, "Uh... Sure."

About half an hour later, Amethyst Star and Thunderlane sat in awkward silence as Rumble, whose name she had recently learned, drew on the paper placemat with a crayon. Thunderlane seemed very interested in the table and Amethyst spun her head around, hoping nopony she knew was anywhere near here. Finally, Thunderlane spoke up and said "Hey, Rumble, why don't you go get something to drink?" He tossed four bits on the table and Rumble eagerly took them and ran off to the counter on the other side of the restaurant. "So, um, about last night..." Thunderlane began, unsure how to broach the subject. Amethyst turned her gaze to him as he scratched his head, still not looking at her. ‘He is cute when he was nervous,’ she thought but then squelched it. "Um, just so you know, nothing happened. At least, Rumble told me nothing did."

Amethyst was unsure of his confidence in that statement, but Thunderlane pressed on. "I woke up this morning with a bad headache and rolled over to see you sleeping in my bed. I panicked as well and left before you got up and looked for my buddies. They said we kinda, uh, got a little crazy last night and I sorta, uh, took you home. Rumble said we woke him up last night because we were laughing so much, but we both passed out when we got to my room," He finished and waited for her response and finally met her gaze.

Amethyst tried to wrap her head around nothing happening and asked, "Can you be sure?"

Thunderlane's face hardened and spoke in a hard voice, "I trust Rumble. He wouldn't lie to me about that."

Amethyst looked down at the tiles and mumbled, "Well, you are known as a tail chaser."

Thunderlane sucked his teeth and angrily voiced, "I am not a tail chaser. Yes, I date a lot of mares, but I do so for Rumble." He gave a heavy sigh and stopped. After a few moments of silence, he continued, "When our parents died, Rumble was horribly upset. He missed our mom and dad so much. I took him under my wing and raised him by myself instead of him being sent off to an orphanage. He acts like I’m his dad now, but he really wants a mother figure. I've tried to find one for him, but the mares just don't work out. I don't date them just for fun, I’ll have you know. I do plan on settling down at some point."

Amethyst was silent as Thunderlane’s gaze dropped to the table and the two ponies sat there in awkward silence. It appeared to Amethyst that the stallion was very sensitive about his younger brother, to which she could relate. Unknown to many ponies, Amethyst was a foalsitter by trade. She often watched Dinky Hooves and Tootsie Flute for Derpy and Shoeshine since the two single mothers worked almost all day to care for the fillies. Caring for the two little ponies had made her quite sensitive to hearing talk about them or their mothers, often leading to large confrontations with random ponies who whispered behind the families backs. Now that she had heard Thunderlane’s story, she felt an odd twinge of regret for believing such rumors about him, similar to the regret she felt when Derpy and Shoeshine told her their stories.

It took a little bit of courage, but Amethyst gave a smile to Thunderlane as he looked up. He sheepishly looked away and her gaze spotted Rumble in the background, smiling happily as he sipped on some multicolored drink. She felt a familiar feeling of contentment watching him, like when Dinky or Tootsie was happy, and returned her gaze to Thunderlane.

“Hey,” she started gently, “I’m sorry for calling you a tail chaser. I had heard rumors about you and I just kinda went along with it.”

Thunderlane offered a small grin in return and said, “Well, you’re the first mare to believe me.”

The two ponies got to talking and soon Rumble rejoined them. They happily spent the day together, all of them going for a long walk around town, playing ball at Rumble’s suggestion and going to Sweet Apple Acres to pick up some apples. The day just kinda blurred for Amethyst, but she knew she was smiling all day. Finally, night fell and after dropping off Rumble at his house, Thunderlane walked Amethyst back to her house. The two talked happily about the day’s events, punctuated by some bad jokes by Thunderlane which amused Amethyst.

Upon reaching her door, Thunderlane said, “Hey, thanks for not getting upset about yesterday. I’m really sorry about how things turned out, but at least it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been.”

Amethyst Star chuckled and batted her lashes at him. “Yeah, that true,” she mused.

Thunderlane scratched the back of his head, unsure about what to say now. However, before she went inside, he managed to blurt out, “Hey, Amethyst?”

“Yeah?” she responded.

“Youwannadothisagain?” he asked quickly.

“Huh?”

Thunderlane cleared his throat before trying again. “I said, do you want to hang out with me and Rumble again sometime?” His face contorted into a weird smile as the last word rolled off his tongue.

Amethyst gazed at him from the doorway and wondered if he really had just asked her that. “Uh,” she said lamely as a small blush crept onto her cheeks. “Uh, yeah. Sure. I’m usually not busy on the weekend.”

Thunderlane’s grin brightened and he said happily, “It’s a date!” As soon as he finished speaking, the grin left his face and a hoof met his forehead. Did he really just call it a date?

Amethyst’s laugh broke his moment of sheer embarrassment and she replied, “Okay then, tail chaser.” Thunderlane looked up to see Amethyst grinning happily and bid her goodnight before returning home. Inside her own, Amethyst grinned happily to herself. Thunderlane was cute and a nice stallion to be around, plus he had that adorable Rumble with him. She trotted into her kitchen and noticed a bottle sitting out on her counter. Curious, she walked over and saw a note pinned to it. She used her magic to unfold it and it read:

Dear Ammy,
This should help you remember.
-Berry

Amethyst returned her gaze to the bottle and noticed the label. El Equineno Premier Tequila stood out to her and she tilted her head. She levitated the bottle and spun it around in midair to find a picture stuck on the back of her and Thunderlane in a very unsettling position on a bar. Amethyst frowned at the picture and threw it away, but not the bottle.

Apparently she and Thunderlane liked tequila. Maybe she should bring it over next weekend.

The Consequences of Chocolate Rain

Written by: TypewrtierError

The Statue Garden was only beginning to wake up. Tendrils of light slumped over the hedges grudgingly to shine on the marble figures, yawning their way into the far reaches of Equestria. Maybe sunlight could just turn in early today, go to bed and sleep for another 12 hours or so. Everypony would probably welcome the extra sleep.

In the middle of a garden, a yellow claw slowly raised itself up and snapped its digits. Sunlight was hurled backwards and immediately returned to its slumber, leaving its rightful controller understandably irritated. The yellow claw scratched its owner’s black mane for a moment then flopped down across a snoring muffin tray.

The sun’s monarch took off from a castle balcony, her majestic form soaring on outstretched wings. Her radiance was clearly visible for all to behold, even with only the distant starlight to light her alabaster coat. That is, before she held a hoof to her head and plummeted, horn first, into the fountain standing as a memorial to the Three Tribes. She momentarily appeared over the edge of the garden wall and, as softly as possible, lighted in front of the sleeping figures of muffin pan and creature. She cleared her throat softly then bent close to a twitching ear.

“Discord...could you...”

“Don’t wake me up!” he wailed in her face. “I’m sleeping!” Celestia fell backwards and whimpered.

“It’s time to raise the sun. I spent my energy on that sunrise...could you please—”

“Celestia! Will you stop whispering? You know I have a headache!” he bellowed towards her quivering form.

“Then why are you shouting?” she groaned, peeking out from under a perfect mane.

“Because my head hurts!”

Celestia retreated under her mane again with another groan.

“Fine.” She took a deep breathe and shrieked into his ear, “Discord, will you be so kind as to raise the sun for me?” She rubbed her forehead beneath her horn.

The yellow claw rose and snapped, bringing the sun up with a net of cotton candy clouds to disperse the light over the checkerboard landscape. Discord stretched, flailing about in a manner similar to a spaghetti noodle while Celestia blinked at the landscape wearily.

“I can change it back you know,” he offered insincerely. She gave a small ‘meh’ in reply.

“I came here to tell you that Derpy would like her pan back.”

“What did I tell you?”

“Derpy wants her pan back!”

“I don’t have her pan, and even if I did, it enjoys my company more,” he said, giving the yipping pan a scratch.

“She is in need of it, I heard.”

“Well, I haven’t got her pan.”

“You’re holding it right there.”

“What I do in my spare time is my own business.”

“Ugh. Discord, what did you put in the chocolate milk last night? I wouldn’t have had any if I had known you spiked it.”

“I did what?”

“You spiked the chocolate milk!”

“I have no idea what you’re speaking of.”

“Do I have to whisper?”

“Do I have to shout?”

Within the next moment Discord found himself tied into a Josephine knot at Celestia’s unshod hooves.

“I never realized that you were so bendy...” she mused, looking down at him. He snapped his claw again and found himself restored and sitting on Celestia’s back.

“As I was saying,” he started while Celestia groaned under his weight, “I am in a bit of a quandary because you seem to remember what happened last night when I clearly don’t remember any chocolate milk being involved. “

“I’ll get the Elements to lock you up again if you don’t give Derpy back her pan,” Celestia growled through clenched teeth as she stepped towards the castle. Her legs wobbled even as she stopped to balance herself occasionally.

“Why does a pan matter to the Great Princess Celestia?”

“...Reasons.”

“Celestia? What happened to your crown?”

“Not important!”

In the next moment Celesta was wincing as Discord skillfully performed a rendition of “Pop Goes the Weasel” on the bagpipes. She responded by bucking him off into a hedge in front of the statue representing Music.

“You didn’t answer my question,” he prodded, appearing on top of the statue. His bagpipes replaced the cello the statue had been holding.

“Derpy refuses to return my crown until I give her back he muffin pan. If you’d be so kind...”

“Nope.”

“Discord, I need my crown back.”

“Well, I can’t see how that’s my fault!”

“Just come with me...”

Discord took off to follow Princess Celestia, but his wings flew him, muzzle first, into the stone walkway. He craned his neck to see his usual mismatched set of wings had been exchanged for a uniform gray pair.

“Oh...”

“Yeah...Like I said: come with me. She’s in the castle.”

“Celestia, what am I doing with Derpy’s wings?”

“You seriously don’t remember?”

“Of course I don’t remember. All I know is that I didn’t spike the chocolate milk. You didn’t happen to heat it up, did you?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Never heat up my chocolate milk!”

Celestia collapsed again, clutching her head and groaning.

“You’re the one who suggested it! I should have known...”

“I suggested it? Moi? Au contraire, mon Celestia! I would do no such thing! As a matter of fact—”

“Halt die Klappe!”

Discord wasn’t quite sure how to respond so he picked Celestia up and transported the two of them to the balcony. Celestia grunted her thanks, then led him inside through two doors made out of peanut brittle.

“It’s a shame I remember nothing of last night. I seem to have been in rare form,” he said, admiring the chandelier in Celestia’s room which had been turned to chocolate and was already half-eaten by butterflies the size of pegasi. In his right arm the muffin pan barked excitedly. He patted it affectionately. “I do hope Derpy doesn’t want this back. I am quite fond of the little fellow. However, you still have failed to explain to me what I’m doing with her wings.”

“You won them in a card game.”

“A card game? Appleloosa Hold-‘Em?”

“Go Fish. After you lost your wings to Derpy, she lost her muffin pan to you. She quit when she lost her wings and Luna took her place. By the way, I’m sure Luna will be wanting her horn back after she wakes up with your goat horn embedded in her forehead.”

“When did you lose your crown?” he asked as he stepped around a procession of step dancing broomsticks

“Before you lost your wings,” Celestia said, eyeing a painting of three vocalizing ponies which had come to life in the most tone deaf way. “You do have really odd New Year’s Feast traditions.”

“Never a dull moment!” he said as he ducked in time to avoid the Sphinx statue throwing a pie at the statue of a Cerberus. The Cerberus growled and chased the Sphinx into the bathroom where a loud crash sent a confused guard scrambling. A few moments later another guard, wearing male armor despite being female, peeked out of the room then darted away as soon as Celestia stopped looking.

“She’s in here,” Celestia grumbled as she shoved a door made of peppermint candy open, “and she is quite upset.”

In the center of the room, under a rock candy chandelier, Derpy sat with her forelegs crossed and a glare leveled in two different directions. From her back sprouted Discord’s mismatched wings. Celestia’s crown rested on her head.

“Excuse me,” Discord said, bowing respectfully to the pegasus who reached for the pan, waving her hooves helplessly as he kept it out of her reach, “but, would you please be a dear little featherbrain and give me back my wings?”

“Ahem...”

“And Princess Celestia her crown?” Derpy nodded and with a snap, Discord made all the necessary switches.

“Ah, lovely!” Celestia declared, her headache gone and her crown glimmering in its rightful place.

“Wait...your crown.”

“Is unimportant. Thank you for your cooperation. Happy New Year’s!” she chirped and trotted towards the door.

“I think I’d like to examine that crown...”

“Discord!” came a shriek from inside the castle

“That would be Luna,” Celestia reminded him, ever-so-helpfully before making a hasty retreat.

“What?”

“Discord! Du hast meine Horn!”

“Horsefeathers...” he grumbled. Derpy smacked him with the muffin pan before flying through a hole in the wall.

Daring Do and the Missing Monday

Written by: Ravenscroft

Daring Do and the Gilded Lotus, Chapter 7, The Missing Monday

The date: the first of January, the third year of soaring dragons.

The location: The middle of Nowhere.

Loose, flowing black hair tickled her nose, and our intrepid hero woke herself with a start. With quick wits and a scrambling mind, she assessed the situation around her. The common room of the inn, Nowhere, was mostly empty. She left aside why she woke up in the middle of Nowhere, instead of somewhere logical like a bed, or a convenient sarcophagus. Even chairs and tables had been pulled aside, pushed to the edges of the room. Three other ponies were on the ground as well, lying loose, as if discarded. Her eyes widened in shock at the sight, and immediately she regretted it, a splitting migraine screaming into focus just behind her pupils. Working blind, eyes closed, the pegasus staggered her way to the bar, to shade her eyes from the sunlight coming in from the broken window.

The three other ponies... One was the bartender, keeled atop his workstation, smothering his chest of bits with his heavy barrel. She went over to him, to make sure he was alright. Though he was surly and sarcastic, Dirty Glass was the most reliable pony in the whole province. Luckily, as she prodded him, Daring Do wondered why she did not feel the earth shake as he gave a window-clattering snore. Well, if the window hadn't already been thoroughly pre-clattered.

'And why was that?' Daring Do thought to herself, thoroughly confused. A smashed window, everything strewn to the side, no memory of the event, everyone unconscious...

Her eyes flashed, her head swiveling from side to side, ensuring no pony was waiting in ambush. It was an old habit, but it kept her from harm on more than one occasion. Seeing not a soul, she took a breath and froze again.

"What is that smell?" she asked the open air. As unhelpful as ever, the air remained in quiet contemplation. Her nose turned skywards, Daring closed her eyes and walked blindly, to better awaken her other senses. Following the off-scent, she impacted a table near the back wall. Coming in closer, several flagons were there, sticky from some syrupy drink drying out in them.

The pegasus ran a hoof across the edge of the container, getting a little of the liquid onto her fur, and carefully brought it to her mouth. Immediately, her throat threatened to close up, and it sent her into a coughing fit. 'Holly spirit! But how didn't I detect it earlier?' she wondered.

Holly spirit... It was a dangerous liquid, made from the oils of holly and solanum root, then left to mix in with raw yeast until the concoction killed all life inside it from the toxicity. It could take a significant amount to kill an adult pony, but a trait of the liquid made it so that the more that was drunk of it, the more the imbiber wished to drink, until they fell. Ever since El Saddledor, Daring had been carefully taking doses of it each night, building immunity. Whomever did this clearly did not know about those events. Still, to manage to hit her with it, the perpetrator was skilled.

'And nopony does this to somepony for no reason.' She rubbed her head, the headache not seeming to fade. 'So what's missing... We're here, the bit chest is here, my saddlebags are--'

Her thoughts ended abruptly as she rushed to her bags with one titanic thrust of her wings. Items flew from it, clattering across the open hardwood floor, as Daring ransacked her rucksack.

"Whip, no, chains, no, bandages, no, dog treats, no, hoofcuffs, no! No, no, no!" Her hooves clicked as they clopped floor through the bag, completely empty. "No! The Gilded Lotus!"

Figuring out what happened the previous night was suddenly crucial. The artifact should never be in the hands of evil, and Daring Do possibly let that happen, to her shame. It was too powerful to be let go so freely, but its power drove even the pegasus to ground with its heavy aura while she had it. It could not be too far away.

But to even begin tracing it, she needed to know what happened! She was on the road with Side Kick, and then a caravan came by with incense and wares... Then what? Something in the camp must have begun the poisoning, and its residual power was still robbing her of clarity in her memories. There were only flashes. A little filly offering water in the warm sticky heat. Herself bragging on her latest exploits. More water, smelling of the incense of the caravan.

'That's how they hid the smell!' One mystery solved, she gave a cheer and immediately regretted it, holding a hoof to her sore head. The first doses were disguised under the strong smells of lavender and myrrh. All in all, it was a small victory, but Daring resolved never to be so foolhardy again... Again.

The cleared floor was still a mystery. The broken window too. And the other ponies. None of them were Side Kick, none even shared his unique green, red, and gold colours. Way too visible against sandy ruins, or even tropical ones, but what the hay, it kept attention off herself. She turned about, and checked once more to be certain, before walking over to the window. No glass on the inside of the room. With everypony incapacitated and unable to clean it up, it meant only one thing. Somepony broke it from nearby. An unstable flap of her wings brought her high enough to see properly out the window. It was first-floor, and an unusual reddish tinge coated the shattered remains of the glass. Daring Do was more than familiar enough with that particular substance too: Blood.

With a brief landing, Daring made sure that the others would live. They must have joined in drinking the poison later than herself, as they only seemed knocked out and would recover with rest, albeit with terrible headaches. Blood on a sill was not much to go on, but it was better than nothing. She began to walk out of Nowhere, when her hoof stepped into something starchy and sticky nearby where she woke up. White gunk. She shivered involuntarily, a reminder of felling Krastos at the start of her career, but that couldn't be the case. 'It's probably... just spoiled milk. Yeah.'

A bit (okay, very) disgusted but no worse for wear, the adventurous pony made her way around the exterior of the inn. Her guess was correct, the broken window had glass shards surrounding it from this side. Somepony escaped in a hurry. And that pony knew what happened.

The wilds; thick with wildlife, danger awaiting every turn, even this far into civilized lands. A practiced explorer would keep all eyes on their surroundings, putting aside the question of what happened last night. Daring Do, though, was not merely practiced. She lived for the trail. Luckily, her quarry was also not very stealthy, running with abandon, a small trail of blood droplets leading her whenever a fork appeared in the well-trodden, sandy trail. Never did it veer towards the large, spiky trees that lined the paths, her prey needing speed over stealth.

This was all second nature. Her mind wandered from worry. 'How could this have happened?! I tried my very best, and in the last moment, I let the Lotus get away.'

The proud pegasus shook her head against the thought. 'No, the last moment hasn't happened yet! My pride won't fall, because I won't fail this time!' With renewed vigor, she redoubled her pace. There was no flying while tracking, no matter how fast or how awesome the tracker, the soil needed to be felt, a connection made to the soil's very memory: An Earth Pony trick dating back to before even Equestria.

That didn't mean the pace was slow. Trees were just blurs, Daring Do panting from the effort, she had to catch up to somepony with an unknown head start, after all. A self-sure grin painted her face as the colourful tents of the gypsies met her eyes. She would get answers, because nopony, nopony steals from THE Daring Do. That was already kind of her own job.

The trail led right into a particularly garish green and blue tie-dyed tent. Her winged slowly unfurled and quietly flexed. The camp was in motion, already nearing mid-day, and she didn't want any undue attention on herself, just in case a quick exit was needed, but they would need to be ready in case of a fight.

She opened the tent flap...

"Side Kick?!"

"Daring?!"

Both sides exclaimed simultaneously. Sitting on a flat white cot--calling it a bed would have been too generous--was her adorable Side Kick, one leg and barrel heavily bandaged. A bowl of bloody water sat beside him, twinkling with shards of broken glass.

"Side Kick, what happened?" Daring asked, though by her tone it was clear she was not referring to the injuries he got jumping through a window pane. Quite quickly, he crumples and prostates himself before his partner, as best he could with the medical attention.

"Please forgive me!" he blurted out. "He said if I didn't follow his orders, they would get my Sweet Pea! I didn't want to take it!"

"So you DO have my artifact!" Daring bore down on Side Kick, her presence cowing him further as he shuffled back as best he could away from her ire.

"No, I handed it off already. To a creature in a dark robe, no name was given. Please forgive me!" He looked ready to bolt, but the only exit was through the object of his current fears.

"And so you poisoned me and handed off this object when...?" Her impatience was intensified by the poisoning-headache that rode her since waking; without solving this, it was not ever going to go away.

"Only a few minutes ago! I haven't even had time to fix the cuts from running away. A dark path of thicker trees to the north." Though his eyes were closed, he felt the wind rush of a speeding wing and braced for impact. "I'm sorr--"

He opened his eyes to an empty tent, Daring Do had already departed.

"Stupid Side Kick! More than your friends will be in trouble if I don't get that back!" Daring ranted to herself as she sped northwards. As promised, within a minute of her strongest sprinting, the trees started seeming to grow closer together, the foliage dimming and diffusing the sun's rays. Though mid-day, her vision was only about as good as it may have been at the dark edge of dusk.

Whoever was behind it came through these woods. She kept running for a what felt like a league. A bird flew by her and startled her into stillness. Not because birds were inherently scary, but the exact opposite. They were the harmless, cowardly wildlife. She realized in her haste she had stopped paying attention to her surroundings. Though a bird flew by, not one chirp was made. No insects hummed. The only sound at all was Daring's own heart and lungs. Something was nearby. Something dangerous.

She ducked low and edged close to the treeline on the path. They were too close-knit to go through the foliage, and the pegasus wasn't the most stealthy of ponies anyways. The noise of underbrush would give herself away, so the road was still the safest route. Her eyesight shot, nothing to be heard at all, trees restricting movement in all directions but forwards... Some Monday this was turning out to be.

Daring Do edged forwards, her head perpendicular to the path to allow very quick and brief movements to check in front as well as behind. There! Though indistinct, a ways away was a large, hairy... thing. She readied herself for a brawl, letting fight or flight instincts fuel herself, her headache fading away in the adrenaline rush. Careful, quiet steps, low to the ground, until it came into focus.

When it did, her eyes widened and she bit back a gasp of surprise.

There, in front of her, was Ahuizotl. All twelve feet of him, his thick and matted blue fur clashing with the orange-green hues of the tropical forest. Of course it was him! All evidence pointed towards it, she just could not have believed it after he fell off that cliff back in Saddle Arabia. Her stalwart Side Kick being threatened when he was fearless, such a thorough knowledge of poisons, his ability to imitate the voices of fillies, and even the preparations made to make sure her yesterday was as much a blur as possible!

Her longtime rival certainly seemed to be alive once more, and as formidable as ever. Long pointed ears that could catch any sound, his four limbs might as well be arms with dextrous hands, and his tail as well, able to handle any weapon or brawl bare-fisted. She knew he was nocturnal, his eyes perfect for the night hunt, but the sun was still setting, and he didn't even see her, his gaze focused on...

The Gilded Lotus! It was so close within reach! She had one chance to put this whole yesterday behind her with one fell swoop, and she would need her namesake to pull it off. Daring Do never backed away from a challenge, no matter how tough, and was not about to start. She rushed forward, wings propelling with further speed along the dirt trail.

Five seconds to him. Four. Three. His eyes turned towards her in surprise. Two, Daring Do's pace became frantic, hoofbeats echoing in the air. One. His gaze turned from surprise to a malevolent smirk. Too late to stop. Two strides from him, a hoof smashed down, and the ground beneath it gave way, sending her face-first into the ground.

Except the ground was no longer solid. Loose sandy soil splashed up onto her face, and Daring tried to pull a hoof to wipe it off, but her hoof was sucked into the quicksand, its grasp tight and unyielding. Her wings flapped, but Ahuizotl's tail-hand, without warning, grabbed a formidable pile of soaking wet sand from his side and poured it along her back, the weight pressing her wings down, the next flap attempt burying them in the sand with her hooves. Just her neck and head remained exposed as she continued to slowly sink. Daring Do was not looking very hopeful.

That is, until she noticed her enemy making the most basic of mistakes, turning his attention away from her and back to what was rightfully her prize. It was a unique magical thing and required certain resonance to work. But Ahuizotl was nothing if not cunning, he could circumvent any restrictions given enough time. Planting the seed of doubt might finally resolve the mire that was what happened last night, one final gambit.

"You don't have the right willpower to use it! You don't have diligence, or bravery! You can't use it without inner strength! Only a true adventurer with awesome daring and attitude can focus the Lotus' power!" the pegasus shot out as much as she could, anything that may have grabbed attention and pulled her foe into a position where he may make a fatal flaw, be it truth, conjecture, or unknown information, although not willing to sacrifice her chance for intellectual insults, much to her own dismay. The only advantage and assets she had were her wit and speed, and both were dampened by the watery sand, but they could still be enough.

Daring Do looked up from the quicksand at her oath-sworn enemy. The blue monster held the Gilded Lotus delicately in his tail, bringing it to his nose for a deep breath. She growled in anger at the mistreatment of the treasure. His apparent apathy incited her even more, ignoring her plight as he enjoyed the scent, the smell of power coming to him from the artifact, of the world about to be brought to its knees. Taking advantage of the distraction, Daring began trying to free herself, but her wings were heavily lodged in the sand, feeling heavier than a chest of doubloons. She gave a primal yell and forced her wings to move, the titanic effort exhausting her before even a single beat of headway was made.

Ahuizotl gave an impassioned grunt at the calls of the unlucky hero, the effort finally enough to drag his focus away from the Lotus. His smile turned feral and dark. With plodding, methodical steps, he made his way towards the sandy sinkhole. In a flash, one hand reached out over the sands to worm itself through Daring Do's unkempt mane and grip, pulling it taught. A hero wouldn't ever give up easily, though, and she glared daggers at her foe, to let him know that he had not won just yet, not while she was around. His malicious and macabre grin grew further, and an arm tensed, shaking Daring and ripping some hair clear from her scalp as he dragged her a bit closer to himself using only her crest. He laughed maniacally as the brave pegasus finally gave a loud cry from the pain, and he tugged her sand-logged body eye to eye with his massive form.

"Yes, my little archeologist, perhaps it's true. However, you missed one very important trait: I possess... the derring-do."

A knock came on Twilight's door. She startled, looking about in all directions wildly, so deep she was entranced in her story. It came again, harder and faster, until Spike pulled the lock loose. Within milliseconds, the door burst open, leaving a rainbow afterimage as a pegasus outright flew inside, wind shear blowing loose papers wildly in all directions. Seeing the commotion from her room, Twilight hid the book under her pillow and came down to act as librarian; it was her job after all. Before she even reached the bottom stair, her best reading friend Rainbow Dash was nearly on top of her.

"So did the new Daring Do book come out? The Gilded Lotus is going to be totally sweet! So, where is it? The release date was today, right?" The words came out in a lightning-quick torrent, the pegasus' eyes wide and hopeful. Twilight's own eyes flickered back and forth between her pillow and her partner, giving a forced smile.

"Umm... Sorry Rainbow, it's the first day of the new year after all, I guess they haven't, umm, delivered it yet? I'm sure it will be in by... Let's say tomorrow at three. I'd love to stay and chat about it, but I've got some... Really important readings to finish up.”

Hammering in a Lesson

Written by: JJ GingerHooves

Mornings. Usually a nice time of day. You get up and get ready to face the world! A brand new day, yeah!

Not this morning though. Instead of feeling that usual grogginess you feel when you just wake up, I felt like...like...er...like crap, basically. My head felt like it’d been cracked open like a...sweet Celestia, I’m not good with my metaphors right now. No wait--that’s a simile, isn’t it? Eugh, what the hay happened?

Okay, so I could easily establish that I had a hangover, which meant that I had been doing some heavy drinking the night before. I could tell it was morning now because even though the yellow curtains were drawn, I could still--

Those aren’t my curtains.

Okay, maybe this was all just some prank. Yeah, that seemed likely: I got wasted on booze, passed out, and one of my friends--probably Lyra--switched my curtains. I groaned, rolling over on the white bed to face the other--

Lyra, you are many things, but you are not a furniture removal pony.

Why wasn’t I in my own home?!

I checked the bed again. Single so...no room for any others. I felt a tiny bit relieved at that, a little less violated. But still, who had put me here?!

I kicked off the covers and rolled off the bed, regretting it when my head began to ache even more harshly. I felt exhausted already. I wanted to go back to sleep, in my own bed!

I checked the room once more. Maybe I was in one of my friends’ houses. But nope, this room was far too bare. It just seemed like your average guest room.

With a groan, I slowly got up and sluggishly went over to the window. I could check my general position in Ponyville from there...if I was still in Ponyville anyway. I brushed the curtains aside and found myself back on the floor mere seconds later, rubbing my stinging eyes.

So I had a really bad hangover, was in somepony’s house that I didn’t know, and somehow I’d become a vampire during the course of last night. Great.

I looked at my forehooves, covered in sweat. In fact, all of me was. To be honest, I always thought that vampires turned to dust when sunlight touched them, not melted like some...something that melts. Gah! My mind was such a mess I was thinking I was a vampire! I think I would rather be a vampire than hungover!

I had to calm down and try my best to think effectively. It’s harder than it sounds when you’re hungover, believe me. But my brain saw enough sense to tell me to get the hay out of there faster than a filly with the trots.

Oh wow. The first simile I could think of and it was that.

This whole situation was made even more worrying by the fact that I wasn’t a heavy drinker at all. At best, I got tipsy and that was it. I’d never got hammered before because I thought that was stupid. If somepony had spiked my drink...

I crawled to the door and reached for the door knob. To my relief, the door was unlocked. Although it felt like a consultation: ‘Hey, you’re in a stranger’s home, but at least you can explore!’

The hall was nice, so the owner obviously had some grasp of interior decorating. It was pretty small, with a red rug going down it. They were three doors, including the one that I had just went through. There were a couple of paintings, depicting scenic areas in Equestria. I tried to find a picture of the house’s owner, but they weren’t any pictures of ponies anywhere.

Oh Celestia. I better be in a pony’s home.

I steadily approached the stairs and did my best to scale down them in a dignified way. Instead, I kinda just dragged myself down while holding onto the wooden banister. I was pretty loud, so if anypony was home, they would’ve heard me.

I stumbled over to the front door and desperately tried to turn the knob with a hoof. It turned, but it reached a certain point where it got stuck. Locked. Damn it.

Maybe I just wasn’t trying enough. I turned the door knob again, harder this time, and shoved the door with my body. Nope, it wouldn’t budge.

“Come on! Open!” I pleaded, attempting furiously now. “Nononononononono...” The reality of it all sank in, and I slunk against the door, defeated.

And then it opened.

I collapsed backwards, staring up into the face of...somepony. I screamed, causing her to scream, causing me to scream, causing my head to ache...

I crawled back into the house. “Who are you?!”

The mare seemed to have regained her composure by this point. “I didn’t expect you to be up by now. Er, I’m Berry Punch.”

I pointed a hoof accusingly at her. “You didn’t expect me to be awake?! What were you planning to do to me?! You sick mare!” I gestured at her saddlebags. “What’s in those, eh? Chloroform?!”

Berry just looked at me, very confused. “The hay is chloroform? Anyway, I’m not here to...do that kinda stuff. I’m here to help you sober up.” I glared at her suspiciously, but she continued. “Lemme guess: splitting headache, tiredness, can’t really do much...basically feel like crap?”

I rubbed my pounding head. “Uh...yeah.”

“Thought so. I’ve been in your position a lot of times, so I’m an expert at this.” Berry walked to me, lending me a hoof. I took it, standing up. “Follow me,” she ordered, and I followed her to her living room. It was simple really: just a couch, a chair, a coffee table and a small bookshelf.

She pointed at the red couch. “Sit down, and I’ll be back.”

I nodded, slumping onto the couch. It was pretty comfortable, actually. Berry then returned with a plate and a glass. In the glass was orange juice and on the plate was a banana.

“Eat those. They’ll help you feel better.” She looked at me, and probably wouldn’t go until I had done what she said. I focused on the banana and concentrated. My horn sparked with magical energy and my head retaliated, giving me a nasty migraine.

“Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow!” I yelped, leaning my head on the pillow.

“Yeah, try not to use magic,” Berry advised, smirking. I ignored her, reaching over and manually peeling the banana. It’s kinda difficult with hooves and teeth.

Berry sat down on the chair opposite me and what followed was probably the most awkward moments of my life. She was just staring at me while I ate. Who the hay does that?

Creepy ponies, that’s who.

I swallowed a mouthful of banana before speaking. “Feel free to explain anytime.”

“You got wasted.” Berry fell silent again. Obviously it was my annoyed glare that caused her to snicker to herself and continue. “Okay, obviously it’s more than that. I found you wandering around Ponyville, really really drunk. Was kinda funny, but I wasn’t going to leave you out there by yourself, which is why you’re in my house.”

“Uh-huh...” I gave her a skeptical look and took a sip of the orange juice. At least my head was getting clearer already.

“Oh yeah, and happy new year.”

What.

I spat out the orange juice a bit too forcefully, as it spilled all over the table. “What?!”

Berry just glanced at the mess I had made and shrugged. “At least it wasn’t sick.” She looked back at me. “And yeah, last night was New Year’s Eve.” Well, that did help explain things a bit better.

I quickly slid off the couch and backed off to the door. “Look, I’m thankful for your kindness,” ‘Cause I guess she was, in all honesty, “but I really should get back home so everyone knows I’m alright.”

“Oh. Yeah, I get that. See ya.” I don’t know why, but something in her tone of voice sounded...disappointed.

“Yep...bye.” I put a hoof on the doorknob, but my eyes couldn't look away from Berry. She just looked so lonely. Outside was the way to home and my other friends. Here was a random mare who had the kindness to look after me. Damn it, I’m not in the mindset to make choices right now. Sighing, I drew back my hoof. “What’s up?”

“Nothing.” She frowned slightly, waving me off. “Just go.”

I took a step back into the room. “Well you took care of me, why can’t I do the same?”

“I don’t need help, okay? I’m fine.” Even in my hungover state, I could tell she was lying. My place on the couch was still warm when I got back to it.

“You’re lonely, aren’t you?” She fell silent, looking down at the floor. “That’s alright. I can stay here, if you want. We can be friends.” I don’t know why I was the one being forward now. She was lonely and took me back to her own home. Out of context, that does sound more than creepy. But...maybe it’s because I’m hungover but, I can’t explain why it felt right.

Berry shrugged. “I’m not forcing you to.”

“I’m not forcing myself to.” I grabbed the orange juice and took a sip, licking my lips afterwards. “Mhm, that’s good stuff.”

“I never got your name, you know.”

I blinked and could feel my cheeks getting warmer. “Oh! Silly me, heh. Sorry--hungover and all, haha. I’m Colgate Minuette.”

The mare gave me the smallest of smiles, but it was genuine. “That’s a nice name. So...what do you do?”

Her question was a bit...vague. “What, for a living?”

Berry nodded once. “Yeah.”

“I work with glass. To be specific, making hourglasses. I’ve always wanted to be a dentist though.” My family came from a line of clockmakers, so I was sort of the black sheep of the family.

“Why would you want to be a dentist? Working with blowtorches sounds so much cooler.”

I took another sip of my drink before answering. “Teeth just fascinate me. It’s one of those things you can’t explain, I guess. Anyway, what do you do?”

Berry smirked at me, standing up and going over to the next room. “Come on, I’ll show you.” I got up and followed, coming into Berry’s kitchen. Like her living room, it was small. But this was tiled on the floors and had kitchen cabinets hugging the walls, as well as a table in the center. What Berry drew my attention to though, was a shelf full of wine bottles.

“You’re a brewer?”

“Yep. Only with wines though.” She jerked her head back. “I got more in the cellar.”

There was already a considerable amount of bottles here, I shuddered to imagine how much she really had. “How much?”

“Probably enough to get both the Princesses hammered.” It took me awhile to get that joke. Apparently, it was rumored that it took a lot of alcohol to get the Princesses even tipsy. Some said they couldn’t get drunk at all. So yeah, Berry had a lot.

“Oh, that’s cool,” I replied, trying my best to sound invested. Alcohol's good for drinking, but I don’t see it as an art or anything.

“Yeah. I got my own stand in Ponyville. It’s a living,” she stated simply.

“Mhm...” I gazed around the room. I didn’t want to abandon Berry so soon, but there was this nagging feeling that told me to check on my friend’s. Just in case. “Listen,” I started, a serious edge to my voice, “I think I better check up on my friends, because I might have done something stupid while hammered. But you should probably come with me, in case I fall over or something.” Truth be told, I was feeling better now, but I figured Berry would want an opening. She seemed to lack many friends.

“Sounds good to me!” The brewer led to me to the front door, grabbing the keys from the wooden cabinet in the hallway. She opened the door, I stepped through, and then she locked it behind us.

“Right, follow me then.” Berry nodded at me, and I led the way, taking a whiff of the fresh air. It felt good, being outside again.

“So,” I started, to keep the conversation flowing. “Must be pretty neat to have a cellar full of alcohol. I know plenty of ponies who would just die for that.” Berry blinked once, giving me a piercing glare. I smiled sheepishly. “Er, what?”

“Are you saying I’m an alcoholic?”

“No no no no no!” I quickly spluttered. “Not at all! I just meant--”

“Look, I’m a brewer, but I’m pretty responsible over my alcohol intake. I drink to have a good time, but not to get drunk. There’s a difference.” Berry coughed, then looked at me apologetically. “Sorry. It’s just that I lot of ponies assume that I’m some drunk.”

“Well I didn’t. I just thought it was pretty cool, that’s all.” I smiled, and she returned it. I got to admit, I was warming up to Berry. She seemed to have a lot going for herself, and that’s something to be respected. She helped me too, when I probably really needed it.

Oh, I hope I didn’t do anything stupid last night...

We then saw a friendly face (at least to me--did Berry know her?) trotting towards us. It was Bon Bon and she looked...okay, it wasn’t a friendly face, more like concerned.

“Hey, Bon Bon,” I greeted, giving her a short wave. “What’s the matter?”

“Hi, Colgate, hey, Berry.” She gave the brewer a curt nod, which was returned. I guess they knew each other from running stalls. “I think you ought to see Lyra,” she told me, thinly disguising it as an order.

“Why? She got something to show me or...?”

“Oh, she’s got something to show you alright. She’s at my house, so you better catch her now while you can.” Oh yeah, Bon Bon and Lyra were dating. They had been for a few years. Their relationship was one of the more firmly established ones in Ponyville, so I guess I just didn't think it needed to be mentioned.

“Yeah...well, I’ll get to it then!” I said brightly, flashing Bon Bon a grin. She just gave me a bit of a scowl and went her way. The hay did I do?

“Looks like someone’s in trouble.” Berry snickered to herself.

“What? I don’t even--” I sighed, stopping myself before letting out a full blown rant in the middle of Ponyville. “Let’s just go.” I set the pace and the two of us headed for Bon Bon’s place. “So, how do you know Bon Bon?”

“We run stalls, so we occasionally talk. It’s more like a business type relationship; we’re not really friends.” Berry shrugged. “She’s nice though.”

“Yeah. She makes the best candies!” I did have a bit of a sweet tooth, especially when it came to Bon Bon’s sweets. Hey, if you brush your teeth really well, you can have as many treats as you want. I have a clean record with my teeth, anyway.

It wasn’t long until we reached Bon Bon’s place. I stepped forward, knocking on the door. A couple of seconds later, and it opened.

“Hey Lyr--oh my.”

“Wow. That’s...something,” Berry added.

Lyra stood there, looking quite annoyed. It was justified, seeing as she had a huge black eye. Her left, specifically.

“Oh. Hi, Colgate,” Lyra said, words laced with venom.

I grinned, trying to bring some friendly banter into this. “That’s some mark you got there...er...partied too hard?”

“Me? No no...” She shook her head, laughing. Huh. Didn’t think that’d work reall-- “But you did and thought it’d be a good idea to buck me in the freaking eye!” the lyrist shouted. I leaned back from her. Lyra was normally a happy, carefree pony but if you annoyed her too much...

“I did? Oh, well, yeah...I did get a bit hammered--”

“Not as hammered as my bucking face!” Lyra retaliated. Berry just stood there, shifting between laughter and awkwardness.

Sweat trickled down my face, as I tried to calm my friend down. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean--”

“Don’t wanna hear it.” Lyra gave me a pair of evil eyes, then slammed the door in my face.

“Oh...” I looked down at the ground, sighing. “I guess that’s that. I really messed up, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you did,” Berry replied bluntly. “But it’s nothing we can’t fix.” She took a place next to me and knocked on the door. There was a bit of a delay before Lyra opened it again.

“Can’t you see I just want to be left alone?!” she protested. I couldn't blame her.

I put a hoof on Berry’s shoulder. “Berry, don’t--”

She shrugged me off. “Listen, Lyra--that’s your name right?” Lyra nodded, looking suspicious. “Colgate did something pretty stupid.” Thanks for rubbing it in, Berry. “But she didn’t really mean it. I hope.” She flashed me a mischievous grin. “Point is, she was hammered to the point where she wasn’t really in control of herself. You get that, right?”

I’m sure Berry was trying to reason with Lyra, but she didn’t look enlightened at all. “Yeah, whatever. Now lemme get some rest, damn it!”

Another door slam. Hopefully the final one.

“Well,” Berry started, seemingly unperturbed, “I tried.”

Strangely, I was smiling at her. “Yeah. But you didn’t have to, you know.”

“That’s what friends do...right?” She returned the smile, although it was a little awkward. It was kind of cute, actually.

“Right.” I guessed that Berry didn’t have many friends. I hadn’t even seen her before, or if I had, I barely noticed her. So I decided to go for broke. “Hugs?”

She looked at me like I’d just turned into an alicorn. “What?”

I grinned, relishing the fact that I was flustering her. It made a change from her snarky comments. “It’s what friends do, and if you want to be my friend, then you gotta do it.”

“Uh...okay...” Very slowly and cautiously, she put her forelegs around me. I then squeezed the mare tightly, forcing a hacking cough from her.

“Colgate...please--”

The door swung open. “Will you two stop making out and get off Bons’ front yard?!”

I released my hold over Berry and we stared at each other. She was blushing...I might have been too. Whatever we were feeling, we quickly ran away from the mad Lyra. I’d talk to her later.

“So...what now?” I pondered, once we had reached a safe distance away from Bon Bon’s house.

“Could go back to my place,” Berry suggested. I don’t think she wanted me to ditch her now and, honestly, I didn’t want to either.

“Sure. You can show me your collection!” I flashed her my bright grin. I was famous for it, you know. Well, in Ponyville anyway.

Berry scoffed. “Yeah, and you can drink some too.”

I gave her the evil eyes, saying only one word. “No. My new year’s resolution is not to drink ever again.”

My new friend gave me a sinister smirk. “Like that’ll ever happen.”

Yeah. She’s probably right.

Losing New Year's Eve

Written by: bookplayer

Head.

Head. Pain. Not good.

Move head. ARGH! Light! Head back in pillow! Light is bad. Light is evil. Buck light in it’s dumb light face. Light is... no, wait, this is good! Last night was New Year’s Eve. So a headache like this means I must’ve had an awesome time!

I'm laying on my stomach, with my face in a pillow. It's time to take inventory. I try my wings. They're there, and working, which is the only really important thing. They're pretty sore, though.

My legs are all there, in working order, but just as bad as my wings. I swish my tail, feeling it against my hind legs. So far, all of Rainbow Dash is present and accounted for!

Now for the hard part. Where is here? I'm in a bed, that's a good start. It isn’t my own bed, which is an even better start. I probably didn’t get a ticket for drunk flying, and there's probably somepony who shared it with me. Somepony hot, hopefully. I lift up my head carefully and squint, hoping to get a clue without the sunlight making me throw up.

Dots. Lots of red dots on things, the door, the wall, the pillowcase. I focus on the dots on the pillowcase while I carefully open an eye the rest of the way, and they aren't dots anymore. They're apples.

“Ha!” I laugh out loud, before the pain hits me and I remember that noise is evil. But that's not important because I totally scored with Applejack! This is perfect, there’s only one mare in Ponyville with a hotter body than AJ’s, and that mare is currently laying in AJ’s bed.

AJ must've been drunk too, she's not usually into the whole night-of-fun thing. Trust me, I've asked before. But with how sore I am, I figure I might've changed her mind last night. I always told her the two most athletic ponies in Ponyville could have a hay of a time in the sack.

I just wish I could remember it. I sure hope she does.

Finding that out gives me a reason to peel myself out of bed, and I'm actually in a pretty good mood even if my brain feels like it's trying to escape by beating a hole through my skull. I head down to the kitchen, past Granny Smith napping in the living room. Heh, hope we didn't keep her up last night.

As I walk into the kitchen, I almost wanna throw up. Applejack is standing at the stove, cooking something. She should have more sense than that, everypony knows that food is a deadly weapon against ponies with a hangover.

“Mornin', Sugarcube!” she says, loudly and cheerfully. I cringe, but she just goes on, “I'm just makin' some pancakes, I know you ain't gonna be up for much. And there's a big glass of water on the table. You better get to drinkin' that.”

“You're in an awfully good mood,” I say, before downing the water in one gulp. Not a good idea, now I feel even sicker, but I'm not gonna let Applejack know that. I smirk, and say, “How’d you like last night?”

“It was okay,” she says casually, still looking at the pancakes.

My smirk gets bigger. “Heh, I’ll bet it was. Just don’t go getting too attached. I’m not ready to be tied down, ya’ know? But if you wanna do that again—” I stop, because she's looking at me weird over her shoulder.

She raises an eyebrow. “You don’t remember a thing, do ya’?”

She's right, but I'm not about to let her change the subject on this. “I know we must’ve had a wild time. It takes an awesome pony to leave me this sore.”

“Is that so?” She chuckles a little and goes back to cooking.

“Sure! When I get that drunk, I’m the most awesome party in Equestria! Even Pinkie can’t beat me.”

“Huh.”

“And that means you must have had the most awesome party in Equestria... in your bed.” I walk over next to her and rub my flank against hers. Hopefully that'll remind her, and she won't be able to stop herself from smiling.

Instead, she just steps to the side, away from me. “Dash, nothin’ happened.”

“Then why was I in your bed?”

“You were... we were worried ‘bout ya’, is all. You’d been drinkin’, and I thought it’d be safer if ya’ came back here.”

“Sure.” I roll my eyes. “Look, Granny isn’t around, AJ. You can just admit it, you couldn’t resist me, we had a little fling, and it won’t happen again.”

She turns to look me in the eye. She looks kind of annoyed and says, “Rainbow. I did not have sex with you!”

“Then what happened in your bed?”

“Nothin’! We fell asleep.”

“No way!” I shake my head. “You're lying. There's more to it than that.”

She bites her lip, then turns back to her skillet. “If there is, you don't wanna know what.”

“What do you mean, I don't wanna know?”

“Dash, just leave it. It ain't important. This is a new year, right?”

“Yeah. And I'm going to start it off finding out what I don't wanna know.”

“Well that sounds like fun,” she says, looking at me over her shoulder like I'm an idiot.

“If you won't tell me what happened last night, I'll find out from somepony else. I bet you couldn't keep your hooves off me,” I say as I fly to the door. I open it and cringe. “Gah! Why would Celestia make New Year's Day so bright?”

“One'a the mysteries of life, Dash,” Applejack says, shaking her head and chuckling as I try to get my aching muscles stretched out and take off towards town.

As I fly over Sweet Apple Acres, I try to figure out what sort of awesome stuff I must have done to get AJ to bed. This is important; AJ isn’t just a notch on my flight goggles. She’s the only important notch on my flight goggles. The hottest, most athletic mare in Ponyville, who happens to be really cool and a great friend... this is easily the top score of my life so far.

A thought hits me: Maybe I was off my game. I was drunk, what if I didn’t give AJ my best stuff, and now she thinks I’m bad in bed? No. No, even drunk I’m an awesome lay. And I never would have gone to bed with AJ if I didn’t think I could keep up with her. There’s no need to worry, she totally wasn’t laughing at me. But I pick up speed, I have to know how this happened before I go crazy.

One short flight later, my head is feeling better as I walk into Sugarcube Corner. I guess that glass of water really helped. My body is still a little sore; AJ must be crazy in bed. I just have to find out enough to make her admit it.

I figure Pinkie Pie will probably tell me everything she knows about the evening, right down to how many times she blinked. Of course, she'll probably start with how many times she blinked, then tell me about the fireworks over town hall, then about a cake she made three days ago, then what actually happened. But my Pinkie-to-Equestrian translation is pretty good, so I should be able to catch all the details.

I spot her taking a bakery box to a pony by the window. Soon as she's done, I fly over to her. “Hey, Pinkie?”

“Dashie! Did you like the fireworks? I think I did because I remember them, but that might just be because I've never watched fireworks upside down before. I've been trying to figure out how I got upside down, but I can't remember that part so it probably wasn't as much fun as the fireworks. I think it had something to do with the scuba mask.” Pinkie grins. “What's up?”

“You don't remember last night, either?” That stinks. I can always ask the other girls, but they're more likely to leave out the juicy details.

“I remember part of it! Most of the beginning, and the fireworks, and trying to explain to Gummy why we couldn't just sleep in Twilight's sock drawer, which is because Twilight doesn't wear socks. Gummy was very persuasive, though.”

“Yeah, I bet,” I say. “So if you remember the beginning, what happened? When did AJ start drinking?”

“Applejack wasn't drinking, silly! That was us!”

“Maybe she got a late start. Anyway, just tell me what you remember.”

“Well, me and AJ and Fluttershy were waiting for everypony outside by Town Hall, when you flew up with this bottle...”

***

“Woo! Who’s ready to party!” Rainbow Dash shouted, flying up to her friends with an open bottle in her hoof.

“Oooh me! I am! I’m ready to party!” Pinkie raised a hoof and hopped up and down.

“Have some of this!” Dash offered.

Pinkie grabbed the bottle and took a swallow. Then another. Then another. Finally Dash grabbed it out of her hooves.

“I didn’t say have all of this! Sheesh, Pinkie!” Dash turned to Applejack. “AJ, want some?”

“No, thanks. Apple Bloom is runnin’ round tonight, and I gotta be on my hooves,” Applejack said with a smile.

Dash smirked. “Can’t hold your liquor?”

Applejack just shook her head. “Any other night, I’d drink ya’ so far under the table you’d be in the cellar. But I ain’t gettin’ myself in a mess tonight.”

“When would I ever get into a mess? Tonight is going to be awesome! I'm gonna find a hot pony and party all night!” Dash scanned the crowd. “I’m gonna go say hi to Cloud Kicker. Everypony make sure AJ doesn’t accidentally have fun!”

Dash flew over to where Cloud Kicker was standing and brushed up against her. “Hey.”

“Hi, Rainbow Dash,” the gray-blue pegasus answered, casting a suspicious glance at Dash's bottle.

“I saw you standing here alone and thought you might wanna find out if there’s a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow,” Dash said with a grin, brushing Cloud Kicker's flank with her tail.

Cloud Kicker’s hoof hit Dash hard across the muzzle, and Dash blinked, then took a swig from her bottle. “Okay, I’ll take that as a maybe. Catch ya’ later!”

Dash hurried back to where AJ was chuckling, watching the scene.

“Well now, that sure looked like fun,” Applejack said with a smirk.

“Shut up. I didn’t want to hang out with her anyway.”

“‘Course not. You wanted to keep me company.”

“Pfft! No way! You’re gonna be on your own, cowpony.”

Fluttershy smiled sympathetically at Applejack. “Um... I’ll stay with you. I don’t mind... I wasn’t going to drink anyway.”

“That’s just fine with me, Fluttershy. You’re a lot better company than Dash, right now.”

“I bet Cheerilee doesn't think so,” Dash said with a smirk, catching sight of the teacher across town square.

“Cheerilee doesn't think what?” Twilight asked, walking up to the group with Rarity.

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Rainbow Dash seems to think Cheerilee's lookin' for a drunk idiot to spend the night with, so she's gonna volunteer.”

“She—she is?” Twilight asked, eyes wide.

“See you guys later!” Dash said, taking off before Twilight could respond.

Dash landed in front of Cheerilee and gave a sly smile.“Hey, Cheerilee, how about some private lessons? We could start off with social studies, and move on to anatomy later.”

“Um, I'll pass.” Cheerilee smirked. “I hand out enough failing grades every day.”

“Then maybe you’ll have to keep me after school?”

“Or maybe I’ll have to write a note to your parents.” Cheerilee rolled her eyes. “Grow up, Rainbow Dash.”

“Whatever. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Dash said, taking off before Cheerilee could respond.

Dash frowned as she flew back to her friends. She looked awesome, she was an amazing flyer, and it was a night for partying. Finding a hot pony should not have been this hard.

As Dash landed, Twilight almost pounced her.

“What happened? What did you say? What did shesay?” Twilight looked around to see all of her friends looking at her. She backed off and smiled sheepishly. “I mean, um, how did it go?”

“She’s...” Dash glanced at AJ’s knowing smirk. “She’s going to talk to me later.”

“Really?” Twilight asked, her face falling.

“Yup, and she’s gonna say no again, when she does,” Applejack added.

“That won’t even matter. I’ll already be hooked up by then,” Dash said, narrowing her eyes at AJ and taking another drink from her bottle.

“You ain’t even gonna be standin’ by then.”

“I know. I’m gonna be laying down. Under somepony... or two someponies,” Dash said, noticing Lyra and Bon Bon walking together. She knew they were dating each other, but what better way to ring in the New Year than getting a little wild? “Catch ya’ later, guys.”

This time, Dash landed a few feet behind the couple. She trotted a little to catch up with them, pushing her way between them and draping a wing over each pony’s back.

“Lyra, Bon Bon! I was wondering if you girls wanted some company tonight?”

“No, Rainbow Dash,” Bon Bon said, dryly.

“Are you sure? Come on, a unicorn, an earth pony, and a pegasus... we could reenact the first Hearth's Warming. But with sex,” Dash suggested with a grin. “Gotta keep those fires burning.”

Bon Bon and Lyra looked at each other, then turned around in unison and walked away, leaving Dash with her wings out awkwardly.

She quickly spun around and called to the couple, “Come on, do it for Equestria!” but they continued to ignore her.

Spinning quickly might not have been the best idea, because Dash found that the area kept on spinning a little after she was pretty sure she’d stopped. With a sigh she took off and started to fly back to her friends, just barely missing a lamppost that seemed to jump out of nowhere.

As she landed, she glared at Applejack. “Don’t say anything.”

But Applejack was just looking concerned, as was Fluttershy.

“Rainbow Dash... um, maybe you shouldn’t fly anymore tonight?” Fluttershy suggested.

“What do you mean?”

“She means, how much’a that bottle have ya’ been through?”

“Some of it.” Dash shook the bottle. “Most of it. But Pinkie had some! I’m still fine, guys.”

Fluttershy and Applejack exchanged looks.

“I’ll stop drinking. Soon as I find a hot pony.” Dash scanned the crowd. There were more ponies here now, but for some reason it was hard to pick out just one. They were kind of blurring together. Then she had an awesome idea.

She turned to her friend with a seductive grin. “Say, Applejack. AJ. Apples. Wanna make me stop drinking?”

Applejack leveled a stare at her. “Dash, with the way you been actin', Tartarus would have to freeze over, the cows would have to grow wings, and Princess Celestia would have to turn the sun into a giant apple before I'd do anythin' with ya'.”

“I'm not following,” Dash said, blankly.

“No!” Applejack shouted.

“Okay. Got that.” Dash took another swig, more annoyed than ever. Applejack was a long shot, but it was looking increasingly like Dash would be leaving the party alone tonight.

“You're missing out, ya' know,” Dash informed AJ. “All those ponies are missing out!” her voice rose, to make sure her other failed conquests got the message. “Hear that?! Tonight's the night you missed out on the best lay in Equestria!”

***

“... I don't remember much between that and the fireworks. But Rarity and AJ and Fluttershy weren’t drinking as much, you could ask them!”

I just blink at her smiling face. That can’t be right. I can’t have struck out, especially looking like such a loser. Besides, I woke up with AJ. That wouldn’t have happened if she turned me down like that.

Unless we didn’t have sex. But then why did I wake up in her bed, sore all over?

“You’re sure that’s what happened?” I ask. Maybe this is a prank.

"Yup! Surely sure! 'Cause I didn't get a bottle for myself until I helped Vinyl Scratch set up her stuff, right after that. I always help her, and she always gives me a bottle of something, and we've been friends for years but you know I never remember hearing her music?"

“Huh. Okay, well, I guess I’ll have to ask somepony else for the rest. Do you wanna come and find out what you did, too? They can tell us at the same time.”

Pinkie just grins. “Nah, it’s more fun to make it up!”

I shrug. It’s Pinkie. “Okay, then. Seeya later.”

I leave Sugarcube Corner, and head through Ponyville, hoping the night wasn’t as bad as Pinkie made it sound. On my way through town, I spot Lyra and Bon Bon and give them a friendly wave.

They just glare at me. I guess Pinkie was right. I smile a little, figuring the night probably couldn’t have gotten any worse than that, especially since it ended in AJ’s bed.

The Carousel Boutique looks like a good next stop, since I’m walking past it. I’m awesome at making decisions like that. I walk inside, and Rarity barely looks up.

“Have you come to apologize?”

I stop, and my eyes go wide. “Maybe? I'm not really sure what I'm apologizing for. Did I hit on you?”

She gives me this look that could kill a houseplant. “Of course you don't remember. Allowing yourself to be in that state, in public... I am shocked, Rainbow Dash. Utterly shocked.”

That sounds like a bad thing. But, maybe not. Shocking Rarity isn't all that hard. I can think of a million cool things I could do that might shock Rarity, and hopefully last night some of them involved AJ.

“Um, is it shocking enough that you wanna let me in on it? I really don't remember anything.”

Rarity sighs. “Fine. Well, you were intoxicated all evening, but your truly offensive behavior started when you tried to claim to be the best dancer in Equestria...”

***

“Know what else I'm the best at guys?”Rainbow Dash said, a grin growing on her face. Nopony seemed to be looking at her, they were all watching Pinkie tear up the pavement to the beats coming from the DJ’s booth. Dash tried again,“Hey guys, know what I'm the best at? Dancing!”

“I don't know...” Fluttershy said, “Pinkie's a very good dancer.”

“Yeah, but I'm the best!” Dash said, glaring at Fluttershy, who cringed back.

“Is that a challenge?” Pinkie said, looking up and grinning. Then she took a long swig from her bottle. “Well, it's not really a challenge I guess. It's actually just a boast, but if you're gonna boast about something like that it's kind of a challenge because other ponies might think they're the best dancers, and they'll want to do something so that everypony will know who the best dancer is, like a dance off, which would be fun, especially since the whole world is kind of woozy now, so it already feels like I'm dancing, so dancing would be like double dancing!”

“Huh?” Dash said, brow creased from the effort of following Pinkie’s train of thought at a time when flapping both wings together would have taken concentration.

Pinkie just kept grinning. “You're on, fly girl!”

Dash nodded, grinning back. “Let's do this!”

The two ponies started to dance. Pinkie closed her eyes and started bouncing to the beat, then reared up on her hind legs as her eyes opened. Her flanks kept moving in rhythm, as her body seemed to flow to the melody, spinning and shimmying, even jumping into the air at spikes in the song. It looked like she was part of the music, just letting it travel through her body.

Rainbow Dash was not part of the music. Despite her normal grace in the air, she felt awkward on the dance floor, like the beat of the music kept changing by tiny amounts so that she was never quite in time. Her body didn’t seem to want to listen to her brain when she tried to fix it, so a quick flap into the air to get her rhythm back nearly took out Rarity, and what was supposed to be a graceful spin on her rear legs got them tangled up, and she landed hard on her tail.

Fluttershy rushed over to her. “Are you okay?”

Dash blinked and closed her eyes. The feeling of being in motion continued. “The world is still spinning.”

She heard Twilight answer, “Well, technically, the world is always—

“You think you're so smart, Twilight Sparkle!” Dash opened her eyes and glared at Twilight. “I'm smart, too!”

“Um, I know Dash,” Twilight said, blushing. “I don't actually—”

Dash climbed to her hooves and moved towards Twilight as her friends stared at her in confusion. “I can name aaaaall the Daring Do books. How about that, Twilight? Huh? How about that?!”

“Um, that's great, Dash.” Twilight smiled. “Not very useful, but—”

“I'm smarter than you! ‘Cause I can name all the Doing Dare books. I'll prove it,” Dash said with a proud smirk.

“Dash, that's really not—” Twilight started.

Dash paid no attention to the unicorn.“There's Daring Do and the Sapphire Stone, and Daring Do and the Griffon's Goblet, Daring Do and the Dragons of Despair, Daring Do and the Search for the Sunsword, Daring Do and the Temple of Elemental Evil, Daring Do and the Team of Horrors—”

“Tomb, Dash,” Twilight corrected.

“That's what I said!” Dash insisted. “Daring Do and the— the— Spoon of Turning.”

“Um, Dash?” Twilight interrupted gently. “That isn't a book.”

“Is too!”

“It isn't, Dash. You made that up.”

Dash glared at Twilight, realizing that she was right. “Anyway. Hey Fluttershy, did you know I'm awesome with animals? I'm totally the best at animal stuff.”

Fluttershy blushed and shrunk back, though Applejack and Rarity both arched an eyebrow at Dash.

“Um... that's nice, Rainbow. I'm sure you're better than me.”

“I am!” Dash crowed happily. “Totally the best. Lemme show you.”

Applejack considered the likely outcomes and said cautiously, “Dash, I ain't sure that's such a—”

“I need an animal,” Dash announced.

“Gummy is an animal!” Pinkie said, pulling the small alligator, dressed in top hat and tails, from her mane.

“Perfect!” Dash took Gummy from his owner and set him on the ground. She looked at him and pointed with her hoof. “Gummy! Gummy... stand there and look creepy!”

Gummy blinked one eye, then the other, which Dash figured was sufficiently creepy to make her point.

Pinkie clapped and cheered, but Dash looked up at the unimpressed faces the rest of her friends. Clearly she had to step up her game. “Okay, okay, now, Gummy, roll over.”

Gummy sat there. He did blink again, though.

“Roll over, Gummy,” Dash tried again.

Gummy wagged his tail, but failed to do anything that could be considered rolling over, by any stretch of the imagination.

“Gummy... I said... roll over.” Dash tried to nudge him, to give him the idea, and his mouth attached around her snout. She shook her head a few times, but he didn't come off.

“O-ay. Gmmy, b'te mih dose. Goo' allga'or.”

Pinkie pulled him off Dash with a pop. “That was amazing! He doesn’t usually listen to ponies like that, you know!”

“See?” Dash said proudly. “Best at animals.”

“Um, yeah Dash. We all see,” Applejack said dryly.

Dash frowned, clearly nopony but Pinkie was impressed. She glared at AJ. “You guys are just upset ‘cause we both know I’m faster than you, and I always look better than Rarity.”

***

“... It was at that point that I left,” Rarity finishes with a huff. “You obviously were planning to make a fool out of yourself for the rest of the evening. I rejoined the girls about an hour later, but you and Applejack had departed by then.”

“Oh.” I blink. I was a total jerk. I can’t be a jerk. Being a jerk isn’t cool. There has to be something I can say, so she doesn’t think I’m a jerk. I could tell her I was... I was just trying to take an interest in what my friends do! Showing them I care. By acting like a jerk. Okay, that’s not going to work. How about, “Uh, I—I'm sorry.”

“Apology accepted,” she chirps, then she looks at me like I’m a foal. “Just please try to limit the amount you drink in the future?”

“I will,” I say. “I mean, I can usually handle it. I'm really awesome at holding my liquor, I'm the best party in Equestria when I'm drunk!”

She just keeps looking at me.

I kind of blush. “I mean, usually.”

She just looks harder, and I start backing out the door.

“I'm... gonna go find out what happened after you left.”

Once I’m outside, and safe from Rarity’s looking, I decide that Fluttershy is the best bet for where I should head next. I’m pretty sure next time I see Twilight, I’m getting a lecture that’ll last ‘til next week.

So I fly over to Fluttershy’s cottage, wondering what could have gotten me from being a jerk to waking up in AJ’s bed. By now I have to admit there’s no chance it was sex. Even I wouldn’t have sex with a pony who was acting like I was.

So why did I go home with her, and not Fluttershy or Twilight? Did I ask her? Was I trying to hit on her again? Why wouldn’t she tell me?

I knock on the door to Fluttershy’s cottage. Now that I know there are no juicy details, Fluttershy will be able to tell me everything that happened until me and AJ left.

Fluttershy opens the door and smiles. “Oh, Rainbow, you’re safe! How are you feeling? Does anything hurt? Would you like some heat, I have a hot water bottle I can fill—”

“I’m fine, Fluttershy. Really. I was a little sore this morning, but... I can’t really remember why. Maybe you can help me out?”

“Applejack didn’t tell you?” Fluttershy steps aside, and I fly in and sit on her couch.

“She said I didn’t want to know.”

“Oh. Well... she’s probably right,” Fluttershy says, sitting on the other side of the sofa.

“No, I really wanna know. Look, I know I acted like a jerk. But I really want to know how I got to Sweet Apple Acres.”

“Okay.” She nods and takes a breath. “Rarity and Twilight left, and a little while after that Thunderlane walked over to you...”

***

“Hey, Rainbow Dash!” Thunderlane smiled as he walked up to Dash. “I wanted to tell you, I managed to do a triple cloudspin roll the other day!”

“Yeah?” Dash smirked. “Big deal, I can do a quadruple cloudspin.”

“Sure you can,” Thunderlane said with a laugh.

“I can!”Dash insisted.

“Hey, you're a great flyer but—”

Applejack cut in, just catching onto the conversation, “Thunderlane, this really ain't the time.”

“But nothing!” Dash yelled, glaring at both Applejack and Thunderlane. “I can do it and I'm gonna prove it!”

“No way, Dash, this ain't safe,” Applejack said, trying to stand in front of her as the pegasus stomped toward the park. But Dash just rose shakily into the air, flying over her friend’s head and nearly knocking off her hat.

“You're gonna break your fool neck if ya' try to fly like this!” Applejack called, running after Dash, Fluttershy hurrying right behind.

“Don't worry, guys, I'm the best flyer!” Dash called back, nearly veering into a tree. “Got a crown and everything!”

This did nothing to reassure her friends as Dash gathered four clouds, hastily setting them in place. Then she backed up into a treetop.

After taking a few moments to untangle herself, she flew towards the first cloud at top speed. Her wings automatically went into the loop around the cloud, but halfway through the first spin the sky started spinning in the other direction too. Then there was her stomach, which seemed to be spinning in a completely different direction, as a whole bottle of alcohol threatened to make a return trip. She reached a hoof up to stop herself from throwing up, but completely forgot that she was in the middle of tumbling through the sky at dangerous speeds.

This clicked when she saw the ground approaching fast. She realized that she’d completely lost the trick, and she tried to adjust to make a landing. But her wings were seconds too late, and she felt her whole body slam into the ground, pain shooting everywhere.

Her body hurt, but luckily not in a hospital kind of way. Something cold and wet seemed to have cushioned her fall. Her eyes adjusted, to find she was laying in a mud puddle, and dirt now covered most of her body and caked her feathers.

“Oh my! Rainbow, are you okay?” Fluttershy cried out, as she and Applejack approached the crash site.

“Yeah. Just—” Dash held up a hoof and turned to the side, finally losing the contents of her stomach in the grass next to the puddle. The feeling of relief that followed made her lie back, heedless of the mud.

“Is anythin' broken?” Applejack asked, hesitating before reaching out a hoof in an offer to help Dash up.

“Don't think so. Gimme a minute, I'll try again.” Dash ignored the helping hoof and just looked up at the sky. Lying there felt nice.

Applejack looked at her and sighed. “Like hay you will. It's time for you to go home, Sugarcube.”

“But the party hasn't even started! It's not midnight!” Dash said from the ground.

Thunderlane arrived on the scene, looking worried. “Sheesh, Rainbow Dash, you didn't have to hurt yourself.”

“I didn't! I totally meant to do that. It was just a practice thingy. I'm gonna do it for real now.” Dash tried to sit up and flinched. At the same time the hoof supporting her slipped and she fell back to the ground. Her wings flapped uselessly, covered in thick mud.

“Thunderlane, could ya' help me get her on my back?” Applejack said. The stallion flew into the air and grabbed Dash around the torso, lifting her onto AJ’s back.

Dash struggled. “Wait! What are you—where are we going?” She tried to dislodge herself from AJ’s back, but none of her limbs seemed to want to cooperate, and it hurt to try any of them too hard. All that her helpless flailing accomplished was to smear mud into AJ’s coat.

Applejack shifted, making sure that Dash was on securely. “You're comin' home with me. You had your share of party.”

“We'll miss midnight!” Dash protested.

“Midnight's gonna be safer if you're home in bed,” Applejack said, starting towards Sweet Apple Acres. “Fluttershy? Could ya' tell Mac to keep an eye on Apple Bloom? Looks like I'm spendin' the evenin' at home.”

“Of course, Applejack. Keep her safe,” Fluttershy said, flying off towards town square in search of Big Macintosh.

“Will do,” Applejack called back as they parted ways.

“Put me down!” Dash shouted, no longer squirming now that Applejack was in motion. “I'm not going home! There's more party! AJ, wrong direction. You're walking away from the party. Applejaaaack...”

***

“... I'm sure that Applejack took care of you. It looks like you've had a shower.”

“Yeah,” I say. But I'm kind of starting to panic. I was a jerk and a loser. Applejack actually missed the fireworks so she could carry my sorry, muddy tail back to Sweet Apple Acres, make me take a shower, and put me to bed. I managed to ruin my New Year’s, and hers too.

Plus, that's a lot of time where me and AJ were alone, and my track record for being a good friend last night was less than awesome. AJ didn't seem to be mad at me this morning, even when I insisted we had sex. But she also wouldn't tell me what I did.

“You’re really feeling better?”

“Yeah,” I say again, then I realize what she’s asking. “I mean, yeah! I’ve crashed before. I’m totally fine.” At least I can convince Fluttershy that it wasn’t that big a deal.

“Good.” Fluttershy nods. Then she hesitates, and says, “You know, you really shouldn’t fly when you drink. Don’t you remember all of those films from flight school?”

I sigh. “I know. Drink, dive, die and all that. I’m sorry I scared you. And I’m sorry I acted like a jerk before that.”

Fluttershy smiles and gives me a hug. “That’s okay. Just... maybe don’t fly next time you’ve had alcohol?”

“Promise.” I hug her back. When we let go, I think about AJ again. My ears droop, and I sigh. “I’ve gotta go, Fluttershy. There’s somepony I owe a really big apology.”

“Okay. Be safe!”

I nod and leave her house, taking off towards Sweet Apple Acres.

My ears are still down. I keep thinking of awful stuff I could’ve said or done to AJ while she was trying to help me. Maybe I tried to hit on her again, or even touched her. I decide that probably didn’t happen because I don’t have a black eye. But I could have said anything, about her, about her family. I wish she’d left me in that puddle, where I belonged. I should’ve woken up with other ponies laughing at me. That’s what losers like me deserve, not a warm bed and breakfast and somepony to take care of them.

I find AJ in the orchard, checking on the trees. They don’t have leaves or fruit right now, but I guess she’s making sure they still have... um, bark? Really, I don’t know what she’s looking at. I land next to her and just stand there a minute, because I have no idea how to start.

“Did somepony tell ya' what happened last night?” she says, just as calm as usual.

“Uh, yeah.” I look down at the grass. “At least until you carried me home.”

“Well, that's good,” she says.

I hesitate. She said this morning that I didn’t wanna know what I did last night, and she was kind of right. The problem is that I need to know, so I know how much I owe my friends. So that I can make it up to them and be the best friend they could want. That goes double for AJ. So I take a deep breath and ask, “What happened after that?”

“Nothin', Dash.” She sighs, a little annoyed. “I told ya', we didn't—”

“I didn't mean that!” I say really fast, blushing. “I mean, I know you didn't have sex with me. You'd never have sex with a pony who acted like I did, and I'm just lucky you guys didn't let me sleep it off in that mud puddle. But you brought me home, and got me to bed. And... I don't know what I said or did then. You have to tell me. Was I a total jerk to the pony who was trying to take care of me when I totally didn't deserve it?”

I bite my lip, and it takes her a few seconds of thinking before says, “You weren't a jerk, sugarcube. Not exactly.”

“Then please tell me what happened?” I ask, a lot softer than normal, because I guess I’m scared of the answer. Because every time I ask that question today, I find out more ways I’m a bad friend and a bad pony who’s never gonna make it up to the cool ponies who hang around me. But if I’m gonna try to be the best friend I can be, I have to know.

“Well, the whole way home, ya' whined 'bout wantin' to go back to the party.” She smiles a little. “Lucky for you I got a lil' sister, so I can take a lot of whinin'. But once we got to the farm, and ya' figured we weren't goin' back, you... kinda changed.”

“Changed how?”

She looks down. “Well...”

***

“I can walk, AJ,” Dash said, still laying across AJ's back as she climbed the stairs.

“I know. But it’ll be faster this way,” she said, reaching the top and heading into the bathroom. She carefully slid Dash off her back and into the shower.

“I can walk, and I can fly, and I can do stuff,” Dash added, leaning against the wall of the shower to keep from falling over.

AJ sighed and turned on the water. “I know, sugarcube.”

The water ran over the pegasus, washing the mud off. Dash shook her head, spraying dirty water all over the bathroom. “No, really, I’m good at stuff. I’m the best!”

“You’ve mentioned that a few times.” Applejack rolled her eyes and started washing off her own coat, where Dash had been laying.

“The best. I’m totally the best. You should see me... do stuff.”

“Yeah. Bet that’s neat,” Applejack said, not really paying attention.

“You’re not impressed.” Dash sighed, sliding down the wall of the shower to sit on the floor. “Nopony’s ever impressed! That’s what’s wrong with you earth ponies.”

Applejack narrowed her eyes. “What did you just say?”

“You’re never impressed. Don’t get how important winning is.” She looked up at AJ shakily, water streaming down her face. “It’s everything.”

AJ just shook her head. “Dash, I get wrapped up in winnin’ too, but that don’t mean—”

“No, no, you don’t get it. It’s everything. In Cloudsdale, everything is a contest. And if you aren’t trying to be the best, you’re... not a pegasus. Every pegasus wants to be the best.”

“Fluttershy don’t wanna be the best,” Applejack pointed out, turning off the water once Dash’s mud-brown coat was blue again.

“Fluttershy isn’t a pegasus. She’s... an earth pony with wings.” Dash’s brain realized what her mouth was saying, and she added quickly,“Uh, don’t ever tell her I said that. Anyway, you’re a pegasus, AJ. Sort of. You want to be the best. ‘Cept you’re not a pegasus ‘cause you don’t always wanna be the best.”

Applejack toweled off the wet pegasus. “And here I thought that not havin’ wings had somethin’ to do with it.”

“Yeah...” Dash nodded as AJ dried her mane. “Gotta have the best wings. Best flying. Best wingpower. But that’s not enough. Never enough. Gotta look awesome. Gotta be tough. Gotta be fun, and good in bed, and gotta be able to hold your... your...”

“Liquor?” Applejack suggested with a hint of a smirk, which Dash didn’t notice.

“Yeah. That. And I can do it all, Applejack. I’m. The. Best.”

“Uh-huh,” Applejack said, letting Dash lean against her as she lead the pegasus to her room.

“And ya’ know what?” Dash went on as AJ gave her a shove into bed, “I hate it! But I love it. But I hate it, too. ‘Cause I know it makes me a jerk, just like all the other jerks who laughed at me when I wasn’t the best. When I was in my very first race, and I tripped and crashed into the clouds, and they all laughed at me!” Tears welled up in Dash’s eyes, and in her drunken state she didn’t fight them, scrunching up her face as they ran down her cheeks.

Applejack climbed into bed next to her and wrapped a foreleg around her. The warmth and strength of her friend’s leg just made it worse, and Dash grabbed onto her and started to sob on her coat.

“I came in last!” Dash wailed between sobs. “Worst! Not just a loser, the worst loser, and those jerks let me know it!”

“Shh, it’s okay, sugarcube. You ain’t a loser.”

“They called me Rainbow Crash!” Dash let go of AJ and yelled at the ceiling, “Well, who’s laughing now, jerks! Just gotta be the best, then you get to laugh. Then you get to be a jerk. Like me. Like getting mad at Pinkie and Fluttershy all the time, and cheating, and didn’t even want my own turtle... not the best.”

“Ya’ mean Tank? He’s a tortoise, Dash.”

“Yeah, Tank,” Dash said, relaxing back into the pillows. “Tank’s cool. Like you. Wish I was a turtle. Wish I was an earth pony. Then I could just be... like, cool. Like you. Cool, and not the best at everything. Nopony would care if I was the best at everything, if I was an earth turtle.”

Applejack tucked the covers in around her.

“I could have a... a sherbert stand. Rainbow’s Rainbow Sherbert! Get it? Rainbow’s Rainbow Rainbow Rainbow...” Dash giggled uncontrollably for a minute. “Celestia, I sound like Pinkie. I’m drunk, AJ.“

“Ya’ don’t say? You need to go to sleep, Sugarcube,” Applejack said, patting Dash’s shoulder.

“’Kay. Just... don’t tell on me for drunk?” Dash looked up, pleading. “‘Cause I’m the best. I can hold aaaall the liquor.”

“I promise. You just keep on bein’ the best, and sleep this off.”

“You’re cool, AJ. Cool AJ. Cool like a turtle,” Dash mumbled as she went to sleep.

***

“... so then I went and got the mud cleaned outta the bathroom and went to bed.”

I just stare at her... okay, that was uncool. I really got sloppy drunk, kind of insulted a few of my friends, cried on AJ about a race I lost before I had my cutie mark, wished I was an earth pony, and passed out.

I try to think of something awesome to say to AJ, something so she knows that it was all a joke, that I’d never be that much of a loser. Come on, Rainbow, anything! A wisecrack, or something to distract her...

But I can’t think of anything, ‘cause AJ is just looking down, and says, “Sorry, Dash. I wasn’t gonna say anythin’, but you dragged it outta me.”

And she really looks sorry. Not sorry for me, sorry that she had to tell me, and make me feel like a loser. And I feel bad, because I’m the one who was a loser, and my friend shouldn’t feel bad just for telling me how I acted.

“No way. I’m sorry. For acting like that, and stuff. I, um, might not be exactly the best at holding my liquor. But I guess you know that.”

“That don’t matter, sugarcube.”

“And, um, I never said stuff like that to anypony before.”

AJ just nods. And I just stare at her some more. ‘Cause she knows. She knows all that stuff I said, that I never told anypony. But it’s stuff I thought about, that bothers me, especially when nopony else is around. That’s the only time I think about it, because nopony else can know.

... except Applejack.

“What if... I kinda meant some of it?” I hear my voice squeak. I wish it wouldn’t do that.

“Well if ya’ really wanna open a sherbert stand—” Applejack gives me a little, teasing smile.

“Not that part!” I smile back. Then I look up at the sky and sigh. “Just, it’s hard. Sometimes. Like I have to be the best, I have to want to be the best, or... I don't know. Ponies will laugh at me. Ponies will think I’m not good enough. And I can’t tell anypony that I might not be good enough. I can’t let anypony think it. I can’t think it.”

“Ya’ carry a load on your back, Dash. Maybe ya’ outghta start layin’ some down,” Applejack says, leaning against me. She doesn’t do anything like hug me or nuzzle me, because she’s cool like that and she probably knows I don’t wanna get all touchy-feely about this.

But she does smile at me as she goes on, “Like, maybe ya’ can’t hold your liquor, and ya’ struck out and had a lousy time this New Years. Ya’ weren’t at your best, and that’s just fine. Nopony is gonna laugh at ya’.”

“You could,” I say, quiet.

She looks me in the eye. “Do I look like I’m laughin’?”

“No... you’re not.” I smile a little.

“There ya’ go. You’re not the best and nothin’ that bad happened.”

“Thanks, AJ. You’re a great friend. You’re the best.” I’m totally serious, she has to know this. AJ is the best. She’s seen me at my worst, and I told her all my secrets, and she’s not laughing at me. She’s not being a jerk. And she’s not even scolding me or telling me what an idiot I was. She’s just... cool. No problem, Dash, sometimes ponies mess up. I wish I could be the best like that. AJ is cooler than I ever thought anypony could be.

“Let’s not worry ‘bout who’s the best for a while,” she says with a smile. “Ya’ skipped breakfast. How ‘bout if I go rustle us up somethin’ for lunch? Then maybe we can kick a hoofball around for a bit.”

I want to hug her, and thank her just for being her. But that wouldn’t be cool. So I just smile and say, “Sounds awesome.”

But as we walk into the house, I walk a little closer to her. ‘Cause she’s a pony I want to stick with. Even when I’m not the best, and I guess sometimes I’m really not the best, I know she’ll stick with me.

Iron Will's Study Guide to Hangovers & Romance

Written by: Autocharth

Iron Will was a creature of many things. He was a creature of hardened muscle, of fierce business principals and of strong morals. Most importantly, as far as this rather nice morning was concerned, he was a creature of habit.

“If in the mornings you’re a bore, greet the day with a roar!” was one of his habits and catchphrases both.

Unfortunately, he was also a creature of one more thing this fine morning. He was a creature of – or rather, with – a hangover. Iron Will greeted the day with a roar out of habit and in turn the day greeted him by banging large metal pans over the inside of his skull.

Gripping his head Iron Will gave a very loud cry of distress. In what was perhaps typical of the days like this, this simply made the problem worse and so another loud sound of pain was emitted by the monster- the minotaur. Theoretically this could have gone on for several more hours, since Iron Will’s name was rather to the point and accurate in terms of a willpower he would have employed in refusing to fall unconscious at the mounting torment of his own screams punching him in the inside of the skull.

There are an infinite number of parallel universes and eventually you can find one in which any given event is occurring, or so some say. Whether this is true or not there was a parallel universe in which the theory postulated above about his day spent in pain did in fact happen. The destruction both wide-scale and personal was amusing and breathtakingly hilarious but since that would be much too exciting, this story isn’t concerned with that particular universe.

As Iron Will inhaled to let out another throat stretching bellow of agony there was a moment of silence that a quiet ‘eep’ and a thud managed to fill. Iron Will’s air intake valve, or rather his mouth, stopped sucking in oxygen as he became confused.

‘That wasn’t a very Iron Will-like sound to make.’ He managed to think through the gong going off between his ears. It occurred to him that perhaps he hadn’t actually been the one to make it. Opening his eyes in one go to look proved to be not the wisest decision and he only just avoided starting the entire cycle of yelling and being in pain again. Taking a deep breath, Iron Will slowly, so very slowly, opened one eye at a time, letting it adjust to the light gradually.

His first coherent thought on seeing the room around him was that it looked...girly. The walls were painted a soft yellow and the curtains on the little window not far away were pink. The roof was also very close to his head although Iron Will had to admit that wasn’t really an indication of girliness so much as the world being too small for Iron Will. It did bring to light the other problem; the room was very small.

Shifting slightly, the minotaur learned the additional fact that he was on a bed of some kind, doubtless also far too small for him and likely now with its warranty voided. Between the two of them it must have been rather strained.

‘Wait, two? Why did I think that?’ He wondered, scratching his forehead. Normally he would slap it a bit to get his brain going but this morning he decided not to do so for various reasons. One was the monkey kicking the back of his eyes from the inside.

“Get it together minotaur,” He ordered himself, slapping a hand against his knee. “C’mon Iron Will, I wanna hear you ROAargh!”

Trying to remember that shouting was not a good idea, which cut out most of his personal slogans and motivational sayings, Iron Will looked around the room a bit further once the pain from his aborted roar faded. There had been an ‘eep’ he had been trying to find the source of.

The bed creaked under his weight as Iron Will stepped off, crouching beneath the low roof. He decided not to take the creaking personally since it was clearly a bed meant for a pony.

‘Wait, a pony?’

He looked at the bed again. Yes, it was definitely a pony’s bed. A mare’s bed, if the yellow sheets with pink butterflies was any indication. To Iron Will, it was.

“Iron Will is confused,” He muttered, scratching his chin, tugging lightly on his goatee. “When you’re confused...defuse? Refuse? Huh, needa work on that one. Wish I had my notepad.”

So focused on trying to word a new phrase, Iron Will nearly missed the little pink mane peeking over the other side of the bed and the wide eyes staring at him. When he turned to look they retreated. That answered the question of if he had broken into somepony’s home while he was drunk.

Actually it didn’t. There was a pony and this was a house but he couldn’t remember how he got there. For all he knew he had been drunk enough to acquire ninja-like stealth and sneak in but quite frankly there hasn’t been a minotaur with a reputation for stealth. Not since Soft Noodle anyway, and they didn’t talk about him.

“Um, hello?” Iron Will began awkwardly. He didn’t go on benders often so he wasn’t all that used to waking up in a pony’s bedroom. “Iron Will, well, I’m not sure quite su-”

He made the mistake of taking a step around the bed to get a better view of the pony as he talked and mid-word a blur of yellow and pink shot through his legs and out the door. He followed it, lowering his head and smacking it against the bed frame.

Rubbing his forehead wearily and pulling the blanket his horn had pierced off it, Iron Will snorted. “Iron Will thinks that was rude.” He did note that he was in the room – which now that he thought about it had a strangely familiar colour pattern to it, as did the blur – of somepony he couldn’t remember so he wasn’t exactly in any position to judge.

Taking a deep breath, he turned to pursue this pony and get some answers. His progress was made a tad more difficult by doors half his size. Once again in his travels across Equestria to bring assertiveness to the masses, Iron Will cursed all pony door makers and their lack of foresight.

“When somepony’s rude, don’t be crude,” He mumbled, reminding himself that just smashing through the door and wall would be bad. Iron Will was finding his new ‘soft assertiveness’ that he was preparing rather helpful himself. It was sometimes hard to remember that ponies didn’t lock horns and try pushing each other over in bouts of pure aggression to resolve problems like his kind did. He assumed this had to do with a lack of more than one horn, and then only a third of their population had horns so it just wasn’t viable.

He still thought getting kicked out of Canterlot for encouraging feuding ponies to try ramming each other in games of ‘chicken’ was unfair. So a few ponies got concussions and that one mare’s eyes got a bit wonky, progress isn’t smooth.

Iron Will wondered if maybe he should try his new soft assertive workshop there first. Maybe with two Princesses – or was it three? – they’d be a little more relaxed.

After navigating his way through the very, very small house Iron Will came to what looked like a living room. He assumed it did under the living carpet of animals. Critters, really, the sort of woodland creatures that frolicked...

‘Wait, what? Why does that sound familiar....’ Iron Will rubbed his forehead again, wishing the ape throwing barrels around would leave his brain alone. It hurt.

He took a step into the room, avoiding the critters out of common curtesy. It wasn’t good form to wake up in somepony’s house and leave smoshed animals all over the floor. To Iron Will’s annoyance, the animals seemed to occupy every spot he tried to go even when he was fairly certain they hadn’t been there a second before.

“When somepony tries to block, show them that you ro-” He began to intone to himself as he prepared to sweep them out of the way. A carrot interrupted him, smacking the minotaur on the snout. It did nothing for his headache.

‘What is it with interrupting Iron Will this morning?’

Looking for the source of the vitamin A-filled projectile Iron Will found instead a looming realisation.

‘Why are all the animals staring at me?’

A little white bunny seemed to be the ring leader and source of the carrot. He was bouncing another carrot in one of his paws while glaring at Iron Will. The look on the rabbit’s face could have qualified for assault and battery all on its own.

“Err...”

The sight that would have greeted anypony passing Fluttershy’s out of the way cottage would garner two kinds of reactions, depending on how long the viewer had been in Ponyville. ‘Veteran’ inhabitants of Ponyville would just sigh or maybe watch for a minute out of mild interest. Newcomers would probably find the sight of a massive, muscle bound minotaur fleeing from a delicate, dreamy cottage as various vegetables and pieces of animal feed were thrown at him en masse by apparently enraged woodland critters to be one worth a few minutes of confused staring or panicked fleeing.

Iron Will burst through the door, possibly taking it off its hinges. He was standing at the top of a gently sloping path on one side, the other a rise nearly his height from the top of the hill the house was built on directly in front of him. Being the direct and to the point creature he was, Iron Will leapt from it. Looking back he recognised the place at last. Fluttershy, the first pony to not be one-hundred percent satisfied with his work. He distantly remembered dropping a bright pink pony off the edge he had just jumped.

There were two things about that last part he remembered. His goats kept telling him they should come back, because her tail tasted like cotton candy and the actual important fact that she had landed in muddy water. Looking down with nearly a whole second to spare Iron Will was just happy the stream wasn’t muddy anymore.

Water went flying in every direction. The impact jarred Iron Will more than it normally would. The water was shallow enough it didn’t even reach the top of his hooves. But he felt the landing in every part of his body thanks to a bad landing. Most importantly he felt it in his head.

Angel Bunny stood on one of the fence posts at the top of the rise, smirking down at the minotaur clutching his head and moaning in pain. He might not be able to get rid of him forever but that would teach the monster to steal his pony. With one last carrot thrown at his vanquished foe, Angel Bunny hoped down and went back inside, dismissing his militia with an arrogant twitch of his whiskers.

Slowly staggering out of the stream, his fur dripping slightly as he stomped out wincing at every step, Iron Will sat on the grass and stared up at the house. How could he have forgotten! Fluttershy was pink and yellow, and it was her house. Clearly he had...ended up in her house? Iron Will scratched his chin thoughtfully.

“If you’ve done a wrong, try to make a right,” He came up with on the fly despite his pounding skull. He nodded in satisfaction at the slogan, making the steel balls in his head bounce around some more. Rubbing his forehead again Iron Will thanked whatever made minotaurs for making them so much better at handling things like nausea than ponies or most other races. He couldn’t quite remember how much he drunk but Iron Will was certain any non-minotaur would be puking or something like that.

Strong of constitution minotaurs might be but they were not known for their abilities to fight off things like headaches. Pony scholars suspected it was something to do with the horns, which in their impartial and unbiased opinions were clearly over-compensation.

The fact that nearly

Staggering to his hooves, Iron Will decided to look for Fluttershy. Since he didn’t know which way she went, he would just have to follow the path to Ponyville. Trudging along he tried to remember why he was here...oh, right; he had been coming to celebrate New Years in the place where the idea for his new workshop had come from. It made sense, or it had to him before, to greet the year he launched his new series of seminars there. Iron Will had also heard that Sweet Apple Hard Cider was made here and it was New Years after all.

So there had been cider. A lot of it. And something called ‘scrumpy’ but his memories were still fuzzy on that. For all the minotaur knew that was the name of a pony.

“Scrumpy...why does Iron Will remember ‘scrumpy’...” He wondered aloud.

“Surprised you want more of the stuff after last night!”

Iron Will kept walking for a moment, until he realised the comment had been directed at him. Or so he assumed since a pony was now walking next to him. She looked vaguely familiar, with a berry cutie mark.

“Um...hello?” Normally Iron Will’s greetings were a tad more verbose. “Iron Will is not sure if you were addressing him. Were you?”

The pony nodded cheerfully. “Sure was big guy! Just sayin’ after the amount you put away last night I didn’t think you’d be wanting more so soon.” She shrugged. “But hey, I thought you’d be dead.”

“Dead? I’m conf- I mean, Iron Will is confused.” The minotaur groaned. “Why would Iron Will be dead?”

“Colt please, you drank enough special Mac Attack scrumpy to kill anypony, even Big Mac himself. As Ponyville’s foremost drunk, I was impressed.” The mare didn’t seem to mind naming herself a drunk.

“Huh?” The pony looked confused now. “The bird? Uh, don’t know about minotaur but I don’t know any ponies who carry birds with them and I think they’d protested if you tried to flip them.”

“No no, flip them the bird! Give them the finger!” Iron Will demonstrated at the pony.

She looked from his outstretched hand to his face and back again. “Uh....” She lifted a hoof and waggled it at him. “...hooves?”

Iron Will’s expression dropped. Now that explained why that slogan had never caught on! “Of course, hooves! Oh, why did Iron Will not see it before?” He let out a loud groan, hanging his head. “Iron Will is too head painy to deal with this. Strange drunkard pony, have you seen Fluttershy?”

“The name’s Berry Punch, not surprised you forgot.” Berry Punch shrugged and pointed down a road. “Think I saw a Fluttershy coloured blur going that way, but I’m still drunk from last night so who knows.” She laughed as though she didn’t have a care in the world. As far as she was concerned, she didn’t right now.

Deciding not to question this possibly crazy pony, Iron Will nodded his thanks, cursed the ball and chain swinging around his brain again and set off. Looking back, the apparent coherency of Berry Punch vanished when she tried to walk without anything to focus on.

Iron Will found ponies waving to him and saying hello quite frequently. A few showed signs of suffering a hangover of their own. He assumed he had met them last night. His memory still remained fuzzy, although he had managed to think for long enough without falling to the ground with his hands against his head to remember arriving in town just before sunset and a bubbling mass of pink pony had come along to invite him to something. After a gasp they had a conversation he was fairly certain involved him discussing that no, he was not here for revenge or anything silly like that. She gave him a cupcake for that.

It was a very nice cupcake too. He missed it.

Just thinking about that soft, moist cupcake made his stomach grumble but he kept on going. Apologising for breaking and entering was more important. Pausing to ask directions at the first intersection he was sent down another road and, strangely received a congratulations. Iron Will just shrugged and walked on.

Now that he thought about it, ponies had been congratulating him for some reason. He mostly ignored it since half their words were blocked out by the throbbing, pounding ache.

Iron Will grabbed a bottle of water from a passing pony, who was gleefully selling to every hungover pony he could find. The minotaur threw him a few bits and kept on going. Even his steps were heavy enough to send vibrations up into his skull and set of the explosives carefully left there by the cider. Eventually he was heading out of town again, towards a place that looked like it was full of apple trees.

Halfway down the dirt track, something bumped into his back. The normally immovably huge Iron Will stumbled, staggering slightly. He turned, looking tiredly down at the grey pegasus who seemed to have run into him. She got up, dusting her mailmare’s hat and mailbag before looking up at him with a smile.

Iron Will didn’t like that the first thing he noticed were her eyes. He liked to think he was better than that. But they were wonky. The next minute or so consisted of him trying to meet her gaze. ‘Don’t be shy, look ‘em in the eye’ after all. It was hard and his eyes began to ache anew until he gave up.

“Iron Will’s eyes hurt,” He grumbled, not realising he had said it aloud until too late. His cheeks went red under his fur. “Er, sorry.”

The mailmare shrugged. “I thought we were having a staring contest. Nopony ever wants to play me for some reason.” She pouted before brightening. “Hi again! You might not remember but I’m Derpy.”

She lifted a hoof, which he shook awkwardly.

“Iron Will is...Iron Will.” He looked down at her. “So, Iron Will met you last night?”

Derpy nodded, smiling, one of her eyes looked off to the side. “Yep, at the big New Years party. I didn’t stay long, so I missed the big event. Congratulations by the way.”

“...Thanks. What exactly are you congratulating Iron Will f-”

“Oh!” She interrupted, diving into her mailbag. “I just remembered why I was looking for you. Since nopony was at home would you be able to drop this off with Fluttershy? It’s just a record of her being one of Twilight’s character references for that application of hers. You must be pleased she got it.”

Iron Will was not pleased, mostly because he had no idea what she meant but he took the large yellow envelope anyway. “Application, right. What were you congra-“

Derpy spread her wings and hovered in front of him. “Sorry Mister Will, but I gotta go. Say hi to Fluttershy for me.” With a flap she was gone, zooming away and letting out a few squeaks as she tore through the branches of a tree until she came out the other side.

He watched her leave with an expression of either confused annoyance or annoyed confusion, which strictly speaking wasn’t entirely unusual after a conversation with Derpy.

Looking at what Derpy gave him, Iron Will wondered how she knew he was looking for Fluttershy. Maybe he didn’t break into her house and she offered him someplace to sleep while he was drunk the night before? Of course she might not remember, so he decided to keep looking just in case.

The apples and path led Iron Will to a farmstead and barn. He stepped over the fence, not bothering to open it. Each cluck of the chickens running around was like a knife in his head. They clustered curiously around his hooves until he sent them clucking away with a grunt and snort from his nose.

Iron Will stepped towards the house, letter in hand, when he heard...giggles? Yes, giggles and definitely female. He couldn’t remember Fluttershy giggling much but he knew she was female. Looking for the sound his gaze was drawn to the barn. Its doors were ajar slightly, enough for him to hear the sound of giggling coming from within.

The door slid open easily at Iron Will’s touch, like its hinges had been oiled recently. “Hey, anypony there?” He called, standing in the open doorway. “Iron Will is here!”

This statement didn’t have quite the reaction he was looking for from the mysterious mare giggling away in the barn.

A blue pony with a rainbow mane popped her head out of a hay stack. “Hey, Iron Will! Didn’t think we’d see you up after last night. And not just ‘cause of the cider.” Her expression was lecherous. That was the only word he could give it. “Have fun after the party?”

A Stetson that Iron Will assumed had been left on the hay rose, revealing an orange mare with a blonde mane. “Rainbow, y’all knew perfectly well we were gonna see ‘im after-” A blue hoof cut her hoof.

These two ponies were vaguely familiar and Iron Will guessed he met them last night as well.

“Don’t tell him!” Rainbow-mane hissed.

Stetson rolled her eyes. “Sugarcube, he prolly don’t wanna wait ta talk to her,” She said disapprovingly before looking back to Iron Will. “Howdy Mister Will. Fluttershy’s here, she’s just a lil’...nervous.”

Rainbow-mane was the one to roll her eyes. “Yeah, nervous. Come on, big guy, get in here and sweet talk her out!” She opened a hole in the thick hay stack.

“Iron Will doesn’t think he’ll fit, can you just bring her out. Iron Will needs to apologise for invading her home while drunk.” He dismissed the ‘sweet talk’ comment. He really did.

The ponies exchanged looks.

“....he doesn’t remember?”

“He don’t remember.”

Rainbow-mane looked like she was about to burst into laughter or tears. “Oh Celestia, this is gonna be awkward. Here, let me get ‘Shy.” She reached into the hay and pulled out a pony that was certainly pink, but too pink.

“Pinkie...” Rainbow-mane sighed and shoved the snoozing pink pony with icing around her mouth back into the hay stack. “Ah HA!” She pulled another pony out, but this one was a stallion. “Caramel!”

Iron Will and Stetson watched for a few seconds.

With a snarl she kept digging through the hay stack. “How many ponies fell asleep in this thing last night?” She demanded, pulling up the wrong pony every time.

“So...” Iron Will looked at Stetson. He focused on her. “Iron Will, uh, isn’t sure he got your name. Something....jack?” It sounded nearly right.

Stetson snorted. “Half there sugarcube. This is mah family’s farm, an’ the first part o’ mah name is a fruit. Take a wild swing.”

“....Bananajack?”

“Ha!” They looked back at Rainbow-mane, who had stopped her search to laugh. “Bananajack! That’s great!”

Stetson sighed deeply. “Mah name,” she said somewhat unhappily to Iron Will, “Is Applejack. As in all the apple trees outside, ya see?”

Iron Will nodded. “Right, Applejack. What happened last night? Iron Will’s head hurts.”

“Dude, you can’t remember at all?” Rainbow-mane asked, looking through the stack again. She had moved further into the barn, where the hay seemed to have spilled into a two pony deep sea over the floor. “Nothing? Wow.”

Looking over the mess that was her barn Applejack vaguely recalled suspiciously Twilight-like magic on her single stack of hay at some time last night. She had to remember that Twilight was not meant to cast spells while drunk.

“Yeah, so...ya don’t remember the propos-”

“Found her!” Rainbow-mane interrupted them. She erupted from the hay in front of Iron Will with Fluttershy in her hooves. “Seriously, keep track of your mare.”

Iron Will froze. He couldn’t easily dismiss that. His brain was trying.

Fluttershy blushed and looked down.

Applejack glared at Rainbow-mane.

Rainbow-mane laughed.

“....Iron Will proposed when he was drunk, didn’t he?” Iron Will asked eventually.

“Um.....yes.” squeaked Fluttershy, trying to sink into the hay. “A-and, uh....”

“Twilight got this whole civil minister or whatever you call it back yesterday. She can totally marry ponies.” Rainbow-mane added, keeping her friend from hiding. “Guess who her first couple was? Three guesses, first two don’t count.”

“....I’m not a pony.” Iron Will managed to point out.

Shrugging, Applejack looked at him sympathetically. “Well, turns out she can marry minotaurs too.”

“Huh...” Looking down at the nervous Fluttershy, Iron Will decided on two things he needed to do. “Mailmare gave me this for you.” He grunted.

Hesitantly Fluttershy took the letter, still not looking at his face. “T-thank you.” Her voice hitched and she stared at the ground in shame or embarrassment.

That done, Iron Will did the second thing he needed to do. He reached up to loosen his tie. It wasn’t there, so he did the next best thing. He’d never done it before; it might be an interesting experience.

He fainted.

The three ponies stared at the heap of unconscious minotaur.

In response to her unintended husband fainting, Fluttershy apparently decided to follow his example, perhaps in the name of marital bonding. She also fainted. Fortunately she was still on the hay so she wasn’t going to wake up with a headache from banging her head on the ground like Iron Will was.

Applejack and Rainbow-mane stared at the two.

“...Y’know, until just now I didn’t see how good they were for each other,” Rainbow Dash remarked.

“Uh-huh,” Applejack replied dully.

Silence stretched out.

“Heh....hey, AJ...”

“...What is it Dash?”

“If I asked Twilight real nice, do you think she’d give me a real ‘banana’ you could j-”

“Finish that an’ y’all ain’t sleepin’ in our trees ever again.”

“Awww.”