Doctor Whooves Classic: The Happiness Patrol

by Tragicom

Rating: everyone
Tags: Crossover, Alternate Universe, Doctor Whooves, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Adventure
Length: 13086

The Seventh Doctor and Firefly land on a planet where sadness is illegal, and smiles are required by law. The Doctor decides to bring it crumbling down in a single night. A ponyfication of one of Sylvester McCoy's weirder stories.

As The Doctor and Firefly find themselves on a colony planet called Laughterra, they find the place is happy. A little too happy.

Happiness is required by law, and any and all so-called 'killjoys' are wanted criminals. It's left up to our heroes to bring an end to Madame Surprise's regime, and face off with her mysterious servant, the Kandykolt.

A ponyfication of one of the Seventh Doctor's strangest adventures.

Published 2013-02-11 02:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-17 20:06:14 UTC

Chapter Two

As Firefly was 'escorted' down the street by Dandy and her cadre of candy-colored killers, Firefly noticed another group of ponies trotting the streets of Laughterra. These ponies wore black cloaks, and were silent. However, they moved with purpose, as though they were following the somber, steady beat of a drum.

"What's with those guys?" Firefly asked.

Dandy Candy scoffed at their prescence. "Nothing but a bunch of silly-billies. They actually think that some marching in the streets will get anything done."

"Protestors? Nice!" Firefly commented.

"I'm happy that you're happy, but you should know that they won't last much longer!" Dandy sang.

"So public protests are against Surprise's laws?" Firefly asked.

"Why do you care so much about them? They're nothing but factory drones."

"Power to the ponies, Dandy," Firefly replied. "Viva la killjoy!"

Little did any of them realize that, below the surface, someone or something was watching them.

Meanwhile in the Kandy Kitchen...

The Kandykolt had Maestro strap The Doctor and Reed Plate into barber's chairs. The sugar-coated menace chuckled maniacally at the thought of the various experiments he could perform on these two. He cared not that they were more or less innocent, this was in the name of science!

"This is the best part by far, gentlecolts. This is the tasting session," he cackled.

"Might I ask what that entails?" The Doctor requested.

"It is my labor of love, Doctor. Though Surprise may prefer my sour side, I consider myself an artist of delight," the candy creature replied.

"It's true. He does." Maestro Patissier really didn't care at this point. He smiled, of course, that was the law. But he wasn't happy.

He was rarely happy.

The Kandykolt took control of the situation again. "Tonight, my friends, you shall see my creative side. You see, I make sweets. The most delicious sweets you have ever tasted. So delicious, that there times where, if I'm at the top of my game, the average physiology cannot handle it. What I'm trying to say is-"

"He makes candy that kills you," Patissier finished.

Reed Plate gulped. "I never thought I'd be executed via diabetic shock."

"Nopony ever does," The Doctor said. Reed wasn't sure how serious he was.

Meanwhile in the Waiting Area...

Firefly was brought back to the room with a red square on the floor. She sighed, and saw that Praline Pie was still the one in charge of the area.

"Love what you've done with the place. Very prison chic."

"This isn't a prison. Prisons are-"

"Sadsy-wadsy," Firefly interrupted, clearly annoyed. "I know. But why call it a Waiting Area instead?"

"Because some have to wait a long time," Praline explained, "others barely wait at all."

Meanwhile in the Kandy Kitchen...

As the Kandykolt continued to mix his candy concoctions, The Doctor continued to take in his surroundings. "Before you kill us, I would like to ask you about the executions."

"What about them?" the sugarpuff monster asked.

"Well, the ponies outside don't know how you do it," The Doctor said, citing what Honey Mixer told him. "I can't help but be curious.

"I didn't realize that you were a connoisseur, Doctor. You're a stallion after my own soft center." The Kandykolt gestured to a device hooked up to a large series of tubes. "The secret's in the pipes. A vanilla-flavored secret tomorrow. The victim stands under a pipe, only to have it pumped through the tubes, piping-hot, and smother them in a sweet, sugary death. I call it a Fondant Surprise."

"I call it deprrrravity," The Doctor replied. "Is there any way to stop it after the fondant starts to flow?"

"Yes," the Kandykolt answered. "One could divert it into another pipe, but I'm not going to tell you how to do that."

As The Doctor spied around the room, he noticed a beaker of lemonade next to the Kandykolt. "Forgive me, but you said 'soft center' earlier?"

"Yes."

"What exactly did you mean? You have a 'soft center' instead of a heart?"

"Yes, caramel, sherbet, toffee, marzipan; gelling agents, Doctor. They're all in there somewhere," it explained.

"So you're entirely made of candy, eh?" The Doctor surmised.

"Yes. But I am perfectly adapted. I have nothing to threaten me in this kitchen."

"I suppose not. Save that open oven behind you."

The Kandykolt quickly turned around in surprise. In doing so, he knocked over the beaker of lemonade, and it shattered at its hooves.

"Or the citrrric acid and carbonated water of the lemonade sticking you to the floor." The Doctor smirked.

As Patissier ran to un-stick the candy creature, The Doctor and Reed Plate were able to free themselves. "Sweet dreams!" The Doctor shouted.

The two ran, and were able to escape down a sewage pipe.

Meanwhile in the Waiting Area...

Praline looked at the black sphere that Firefly had given her. "So what is this thing?"

"I call it a Thunderball. Build 'em myself," Firefly bragged. The Thunderball was essentially a much easier way to move a thunder cloud. The ball would crack open and release a decent-sized thunder cloud for Firefly to manipulate. Some admired them for the chemical brilliance, she admired the lightning's ability to break things.

"I used to use explosive devices back when I was a more active member of the patrol," Praline reminisced. "I loved working the night shift. That's when they come out."

"They?"

"The freaky killjoys. The manic-depressives, the schizos, they're so much fun to get rid of." Praline sighed nostalgically.

Firefly would've gagged if she could. "You make me sick."

"I do a good job, and they pull me off the streets," Praline carried on,"It's just not fair. I'm a fighter."

"You're not a fighter, I'm a fighter. You're a murderer," Firefly corrected.

Suddenly, Sugar Cane was shoved into the room. "Yes, she is."

The patrol had turned on her.

Meanwhile in the Pipes...

As The Doctor and Reed Plate continued their daring escape, they trekked through the pipes beneath the city. Much to their surprise, it wasn't a sewage system. Hanging from the top of these pipes were strange, icicle-like objects, but they were a brown tint.

The Doctor reached up to one of the odd icicles, and broke off a bit of it. He licked it, and smacked his lips. "It tastes sweet, but I assume from the color that it's some sort of syrup."

Reed Plate gestured The Doctor to give him a bit of the icicle, and then he gave it a taste test as well. "If it was syrup, it's old syrup."

"Yes. The Kandykolt must have pumped through these pipes before he switched it over to the one he's using now," The Doctor surmised.

Reed Plate reached for his harmonica, but The Doctor stopped him. "There's tons of crrrrystallized syrup above us."

Reed Plate nodded, realizing that they needed to be quiet, lest the syrup come crashing down on them.

Meanwhile in the Kandy Kitchen...

As Patissier piled up sacks of Sugar in the corner, the Kandykolt looked at him with condemnation, as it was still stuck to the floor.

"What's taking you so long?!" it asked. "I wish to make those fools suffer for this."

"Keep your cherry-flavored pants on," Patissier replied, "I'll be right there."

"You will pay for this."

"No I won't. After all, you need me and I need me," Patissier snarked.

"You need you?"

"Yes. But I don't need you," Patissier explained smugly. "If necessary, I'll build another one. But if something happens to me, no one else will be able fix you."

The Kandykolt conceded. "I need you and you need you."

Meanwhile in the Pipes...

The Doctor and Reed Plate moved carefully down the pipes, until they came across a strange slash mark across the 'floor'.

"What's that?" Reed asked.

"Some sort of footprint, I prrrresume."

"But what sort of creature could have made it?"

Both stallions felt a poke at the back of their necks. "I'm guessing that kind," The Doctor said.

Meanwhile in the Waiting Area...

As long as they were in the 'Waiting Area', there was little to do except talk or play the slots. And since the slots could either electrocute you, or worse, tell you a bad joke; talking was the only feasible option for Firefly and Sugar Cane.

"This is my fault," Firefly told her. "If I hadn't gotten you to say that stuff, you wouldn't be here right now."

Sugar shook her head. "I would've cracked sooner or later. The things that make Surprise happy don't make me happy."

Firefly frowned. Sugar did the same. "This is nice," Sugar said. "I haven't been allowed to do things like this, ever. Nopony ever has."

"Now that's something to frown about," Firefly joked.

Sugar laughed. And then she gasped.

"What?"

"I'm happy," Sugar said with disbelief. "I'm actually happy about something. For the first time in years!"

Firefly smiled back.

Meanwhile in the Pipes...

The Doctor and Reed got a good look at the creature behind them. They were shaggy-haired bipeds, wielding spears.

"Weapons," the leader grunted. "Down!"

"I make a point not to carry weapons," The Doctor replied.

Reed played a few notes on his harmonica to illustrate it couldn't cause the creatures harm.

"Nice," the leader commented.

"Nice?" The Doctor repeated. "You've met my friend, Firefly?"

"Firefly," the leader said back. "Brave?"

"Yes, very brave. Pink pegasus mare," The Doctor clarified.

"Pink pegasus. Brave." The leader nodded. "Captured."

"Captured?" If Firefly had been captured, there was only one way to react:

"This just got personal."

Meanwhile in the Oval Office...

Surprise was making yet another broadcast this evening, in response to the killjoy march.

"Don't nopony worry. The Happiness Patrol will be sure to get rid of those nasty-wasty killjoys! Enjoy yourselves, and remember to smile!" Surprise said.

As the broadcasting device shut off, she turned to Dandy, who had been waiting patiently.

"You do your thing, Dandy."

Dandy saluted, and smiled.

But was she happy?

Meanwhile in the Waiting Area...

As Firefly and Sugar continued to share stories, Praline marched over to them. "Alright Sugar, your time's up."

"Why?" Firefly asked.

Praline blinked at this. "She's a killjoy. She frowns."

"But she laughs, too," Firefly argued. "Really laughs from actually being happy."

"It wouldn't matter anyway. She deserves to go anyway," Praline snarked.

"But, why?" Sugar asked, tears starting to form.

"You were never good Happiness Patrol material," Praline replied. "You were never any good at anything. You never fit in. You were worthless, and it's pretty clear now, that you're more than a killjoy. You're a crybaby."

"That's not true!" Sugar argued.

"You mean nothing to anypony. Nopony will miss you. Nopony would ever miss a killjoy," Praline continued.

Firefly got right in Praline's face. "I would."

"Really?" Sugar asked.

"Yeah, you're my friend," Firefly replied.

Sugar smiled again.

"Too bad. Time to go," Praline demanded

"How can you live with yourself?" Firefly wondered.

Out of nowhere, a spear landed next to Praline Pie. One of the shaggy creatures must have come to their rescue.

Firefly ran off, but Sugar remained. She knew if she stayed here, it would give Firefly a better chance of survival.

That was what mattered.

Meanwhile in the Pipes...

One of the shaggy creatures lifted a manhole on the street, so as to let The Doctor and Reed Plate return to the surface. As it climbed back down the ladder, Reed noticed that it was breathing heavily.

"What's wrong with these guys?" he wondered.

"They're starving," The Doctor explained. "Nothing but stale syrup down here."

"Why can't they just live on the surface?" Reed asked.

The Doctor simply looked at Reed, seeing if he could figure it out for himself.

"Wait. Did we-?" Reed suddenly realized the horrible truth. The settlers had driven these creatures from their homes.

The Doctor nodded and climbed up to the surface. "Don't worry my hairy friends, we shall return!"

As the two stallions returned to the streets of Laughterra, The Doctor noticed a familiar unicorn with a clipboard. He walked over to the stallion.

"Name?" Chocolate Torte asked.

"I'm The Doctor. Have we met?"

"That's classified."

"Aren't you Chocolate Torte?"

"I ask the questions," Torte replied.

"You ask the questions?"

"That's classified," Torte droned. "Address?"

"Which one?" The Doctor tried to clarify.

"If you're from here I need a town and street," Torte explained. "If you're an alien I need a home planet, unless you spend more than half the year working away, in which case, planet of origin."

"That's classified," The Doctor replied. He had him now. "Name?"

"What?"

"I ask the questions. Name?"

"Chocolate Torte."

"Address?"

"Cheer Center," Torte answered.

Reed walked over to them. "Doctor, what are you doing?"

"Just a minor questionnaire. Occupation?"

"Census taker. I interview everypony on Laughterra."

"Take me to your leader," The Doctor said.

"Certainly." Torte nodded.

Reed stopped The Doctor before he left. "What if I need your help? How will you find me?"

The Doctor pointed to Reed's harmonica. "The old folk blues."

Reed nodded and began to play an old tune.

Torte began to bob his head with the sound of the brandy of the damned. "I like it. I've never heard anything like it. I feel..."

"Melancholy?" The Doctor finished.

"Yeah. A pleasant sense of melancholy."

Meanwhile in the Oval Office...

Dandy had finished reporting on the events that transpired in the waiting area. She was smiling, but it hid a sense of fear, as Surprise had let Gumball out of his cage. As to be expected, there is a sense of intimidation when you've screwed up, and your boss is petting a full-grown alligator.

"So Praline got overpowered by two mares, and one of those fuzzy-wuzzy sewer vermin. Are you trying to tell a joke, Dandy?" Surprise asked.

"No, Madame."

"Aww, fiddle-faddle. I wanted to hear a new joke." One of the most terrifying things about Surprise is that she never stopped smiling. Even when she was clearly upset with you, she would be grinning ear to ear. "Well, where'd they go?"

"Sugar stayed put, but the other ones went down the pipes."

"Oooh!" Surprise clapped. "Gumball! You get to exercise!"

Gumball grinned the insidious grin of a grown gator.

Meanwhile in the Streets...

As the public protest continued, the marchers held signs with such statements as 'Factory conditions are the real jokes', two stallions observed from the balcony of one of the buildings.

"Do we seriously have to do this again?" one of them asked.

The other shrugged. "I just wish we could get new equipment."

The other stallion was referring to a telescope-like object that was pointed at those demonstrating.

They were snipers.

Meanwhile in the Pipes...

As Firefly joined with the subterranean creatures, she observed their less-than-stellar domicile. In spite of this, she tried to be polite. "I like the pipes. They're nice."

"Nice," the leader repeated. "Bed."

Firefly's eyes widened. "What?"

"We all sleep here. Not as nice."

"Oh..." Firefly's eyes darted back and forth.

A low growling sound rumbled through the pipes.

"Careful with the growling. The syrup could collapse," Firefly reminded them.

"Not us."

Meanwhile at Surprise's House...

As Surprise flipped through a photo album in the living room, Jelly Doughnut walked into the room.

"Sweetie, Chocolate Torte and some other guy are here to see you," he said.

"Oh, send them in!" She put away the album as Torte and The Doctor came in. "Great to see you again Tortelly-Wortelly! And, uh... I don't think I've had the pleasure..."

"Not that much of a pleasure, I assure you," The Doctor replied.

Surprise blinked, but didn't stop smiling. "Well that's not nice."

"Are you with the bureau, too?" Jelly asked, hoping to change the subject.

"That's classified," The Doctor snarked. "I understand you're responsible for this planet, Madame?"

"I do my besty-best!"

"Well, it is a very happy place," The Doctor conceded.

"You'll find that everypony on Laughterra is superliciously happy."

"Some of the ponies on Laughterra aren't that easy to find," he countered.

"Well, I leave that stuff to Torte. Isn't that right, Tortelly?"

"Don't answer that," The Doctor said, blocking Torte with his hoof.

"Well, I have taken Torte's ideas of population control very seriously," Surprise explained.

"Population control?"

"Yepsy-doodles! We've controlled it down by seventeen percent!" Surprise's grin further unnerved the other ponies in the room as she revealed this startling fact. "No more overcrowding!"

"No lines at the Post Office," Jelly added.

"And you used the Census' plans to do this?" The Doctor asked.

"Nah! Mine works better. Now, I'm busy, busy, busy!" She turned to her husband. "Jelly-Belly, can you take care of them?" She walked out of the room.

"Torte, do we really have to do this? I feel like we just had a census," Jelly remarked.

"Every six cycles. You know that," Torte explained.

As the two spoke, The Doctor looked through Surprise's album. To his surprise, all the pictures were of her and Gumball, rather than her husband.

"Well, can I get you two some lemonade?" Jelly asked.

"None for me," The Doctor answered. "I have a prrrrior engagement."

"Where?" Torte asked.

"I ask the questions around here," The Doctor reminded him. The Doctor walked out of the room with the intent of following Surprise. Once he had found her personal office, he began eavesdropping.

"Routine disappearance 500,005 is going perfectly. Good work. Now, escort them to the Execution Yard. Enjoy yourselves, and remember to smile!" she said to a patrolmare on the telescreen.

"Population control's going well, I see," The Doctor commented, walking into her office.

"Who are you anyway?" Surprise asked.

"Counter-query, which member of the population are you controlling?" he shot back.

"A killjoy. That's all that matters."

"And what exactly makes them a killjoy? Do they enjoy the chance to feel the rrrrain on her face? Do they prefer autumn to sprrrring and summer?"

"You talk a lot, don't you mister?" Surprise giggled.

"I'm The Doctor. I'm plenty of talk, and enough action to back it up," he boasted. "And I prrrrromise you now that your dark actions before sunrise."

The Doctor looked around Surprise's office and found a fire extinguisher. He took it off the wall, slipped it into his dimensionally transcendental pockets, and walked out of Surprise's office.

Back in the living room, Jelly offered Torte a glass of lemonade.

"Here you go," Jelly said.

The Doctor, without missing a beat, snatched up the glass and slipped it into his pocket as well. He promptly exited without saying a word.

"He's an odd one, isn't he?" Torte observed.

Jelly could only nod.

Meanwhile in the Pipes...

As the looming growl of Gumball echoed through the pipes, Firefly and the natives tried to find a way to escape. Unfortunately, that hadn't worked.

" A dead end!" Firefly said.

"Dead." The leader nodded.

Firefly refused to give up, but as Gumball turned a corner and finally appeared before her, she was low on ideas about what to do about the gator.

Suddenly, it hit her. She took out one of her signature Thunderballs, and cracked it against the bottom of the pipe. The thundercloud appeared before her, and she slammed her hooves into it. A bolt shot out from the cloud, and zapped Gumball. Gumball was alive, but unconscious.

"Nice," the leader commented.

"Very nice," Firefly replied. The group went the other way, stepping over the unconscious reptile.

Meanwhile in the Kandy Kitchen...

The Kandykolt, much to its frustration, remained stuck to the floor.

"What's wrong with me? Why can't I move?" it asked.

"You're mostly made of glucose," Patissier explained. "Your joints need constant movement to avoid coagulation."

"Well, how do we fix this?!"

"I forget," Patissier muttered. He really couldn't care less what happened to this thing.

Meanwhile in the Streets...

Amidst the pointless muzak, the sounds of music with soul echoed through the night air. Reed Plate's blues playing was not his profession, but he'd never let anypony tell him he wasn't any good at it.

The Doctor walked over to his compatriot. "What's the news?"

"Riot in the streets, but odds are they'll get picked off by those snipers." Reed Plate pointed to the balcony where the two stallions prepped the MagiCannon.

"Leave them to me," The Doctor replied.

The Doctor quickly set about to entering the nearby building, and was able to get to the balcony in time.

"Hello."

"Get back!" one of the stallions said. He turned the MagiCannon around, and pointed in at The Doctor. "I will use this if I have to."

"Of course you will," The Doctor replied calmly. "You like guns, don't you?"

"I do my job."

"And your job is to make sure ponies are happy," The Doctor reminded him.

"Yes."

"Which means you're happy."

"Of course," the stallion replied.

"Who are you?" the other one interrupted.

"Shush," The Doctor returned. He kept his focus on the first stallion. "That's a sniper weapon, yes?"

"Yes," the sniper replied.

"You've never fired at somepony point-blank have you?"

"No."

"But you like guns."

"Yeah," he admitted.

"And you like firing those guns?"

"I guess."

"So you enjoy killing?"

The sniper couldn't bring himself to answer that one.

"Get rid of the gun," The Doctor commanded.

The sniper pushed the MagiCannon off the balcony, and it shattered on the ground.

Meanwhile in the Execution Yard...

Sugar stood at attention. This was the fate she had accepted in exchange for saving Firefly, and she was more than okay with it.

Dandy looked over the scroll. "You have been given the most severe penalty."

"I'm glad," she replied.

"I'm happy you're happy."

Meanwhile in the Kandy Kitchen...

A light began to flash nearby the Kandykolt. That was the signal to get the fondant flowing. Execution time had come, but it was still stuck!

Patissier took notice of this. "Want I should get that?"

"Yes. And then get me unstuck!"

Patissier flipped a switch.

Meanwhile in the Pipes...

A rumbling noise began to fill the pipes again.

"Oh, what now?!" Firefly asked.

"Fondant," the leader said. "Flood pipes."

"Flood pipes?" Firefly repeated. "Well, where do we hide?!"

The leader gestured Firefly and a few other creatured down the way.

Meanwhile in the Kandy Kitchen...

The Doctor casually strolled in, only to find that, amazingly, the Kandykolt was still stuck to the floor.

"What's up, stiff?" he joked.

"Unstick me. Now!"

"Oh, come on." The Doctor smirked. "You know that you have to smile."

"I'll smile if you unstick me."

"And I'll unstick you if you divert the flow, and stave off the execution," The Doctor bargained.

The Kandykolt, frustrated and without any other options, had no choice but to concede. "Fine. Now let me go!"

The Doctor pulled the fire extinguisher from his pockets, and sprayed around the Kandykolt's hooves. The base chemicals in the flame retardant were able to remove the effects of the citric acid, and free the sugar-flavored creature.

The Kandykolt walked over to the fondant control.

Meanwhile in the Oval Office...

Surprise watched her telescreen with bated breath. She loved watching killjoys get, for lack of a better term, their 'just desserts'.

Jelly walked into the room. "Sweetie, Torte has a few questions for you.

"Just a minute or two, Jelly-Belly." She waved to him dismissively.

As they watched the screen, something unbelieveable happened. Out of the fondant pipe, Firefly burst out, knocking Sugar out of the way! Only a small amount of fondant followed. Even if Firefly hadn't come to the rescue, thanks to the Kandykolt diverting the flow, Sugar Cane would have been fine.

Surprise's eye twitched furiously, but she did not stop smiling. She never, ever, ever stopped smiling.

"Okie-Dokie," she muttered. "We'll just try that again."

Torte walked in. "Actually, you can't."

"What? Why?" Surprise asked, curiously.

"The constitution says that if the mechanics of an execution malfunction, you cannot repeat the execution," Torte explained.

"So no fondant?" Jelly clarified.

"No, but you can substitute a different method," Torte offered.

Surprise's smile turned from a cheerful one to a wicked one. "I know just what to do."

Meanwhile in the Kandy Kitchen...

As The Doctor looked at the telescreen, he saw that not only was Firefly safe, well, relatively safe, but that the execution had not worked. The Kandykolt had done its job properly.

"So you trusted me, Doctor," the creature replied.

"Of course I did." He nodded.

"Wise of you, I am a Kandykolt of my word," it said, "but now the bargain is over. Now, it's time for you to die!"

The Doctor casually pulled the glass of lemonade he took from Jelly out of his pocket, through it at the creature's hooves, and left it stuck again.

"Oh, come on!"

Meanwhile in the Oval Office...

As Surprise waited, Dandy marched Firefly and Sugar into the office, having taken them as prisoners again.

"I don't think you two realize just how super-dee lucky you are," Surprise said.

Firefly scoffed. "Spare me the runaround, I'm not afraid of you."

"Maybe not, but you do get an ultra-special treat! You two are going to be on the Late Show!"

Firefly looked to Sugar for an explanation. "Happiness Patrol auditions," she explained.

"But you're already in the Happiness Patrol," Firefly pointed out.

"Not anymore she's not," Surprise sang.

Jelly held up a camera. "Big smiles, please."

Meanwhile in Town Square...

The Doctor and Reed Plate wandered the streets, only to stumble across a rather startling poster near the now-pink TARDIS.

'Come one, come all, to the Grand Happiness Patrol Auditions! With Special Guest: Firefly Sigma!'

The Doctor noticed this, and looked at a pony with a roll of tickets as a cutie mark. Presuming him to work for the box office, he asked for a bit more information. "When exactly does that show they're talking about open?"

"In about five minutes. You'd better be quick if you want to catch it," he warned.

"Five minutes? Why wait until now to put up posters?" The Doctor asked.

"Well, they're kind of for show," the ticket-taker said, "Everypony shows up anyway. It's mandatory."

The Doctor turned to Reed Plate. "Go get those demonstrators, we don't have much time. I have an idea."

"But what if they don't want to come?" Reed Plate asked.

"Tell them it's part of my masterstroke to bring Surprise's regime tumbling down. All the pieces are in place," The Doctor replied.

Reed nodded, and went to go acquire the protestors.

The Doctor noticed a poster being taken down, similiar to Firefly's, with a mare named Almond Danish on it.

"I hope your friend does better than she did," the ticket-taker said.

Author's Note

Happy Belated Hearts and Hooves Day! I hope yours was a tad less lonely than mine...

Anyway, there's only one more chapter of happiness after this one. Hope you enjoy.

Chapter Three

As Firefly waited for the 'show' to begin, she kept a look of defiance on her face. This wouldn't break her. She wouldn't let anything break her.

Dandy Candy walked into the room. "Big smiles, you two. It's show time!"

She smiled.

But she wasn't very happy.

Meanwhile at Surprise's House...

Surprise watched the telescreen intently. She continued to smile that unnerving smile that never seemed to budge as she observed the protestors. She wrapped up her beloved Gumball in bandages, as the alligator was still recovering from the electric shocks.

"Look at 'em, Gumball. Dressed in dark clothes, listening to slow music, and generally being sticks-in-the-mud. Depressing. If only they could learn to smile. Smiling makes everything better!" she said.

She pressed a button to contact her patrolmares. "Happiness Patrol, there's a protest on the rise. Time for a 'very special party'. No prisoners, pretty please!"

She smiled.

She never stopped smiling.

Meanwhile in Town Square...

The ticket stallion had finally received the program for the late-night auditions, and was looking it over for The Doctor.

"Firefly Sigma, right?"

"Yes."

"She's on there, listed as doing a 'miracle survival act' for her audition," he explained.

"Miracle survival?" The Doctor said, "What does-no, wait. If she survives..."

"It's a miracle," the other stallion finished.

Meanwhile at Surprise's House...

Surprise applied a bit of ointment to Gumball's claw, and gave the gator a soothing backrub. "You know, Gumball, we're a great team. You and I can change this place, and make it so happy. No matter how many killjoys come our way, we smile and laugh 'em away. And if they're still miserable, we make it so they don't have to be miserable ever again."

Gumball growled in affirmation.

"I know, that is really nice of us, isn't it? Now, I'll deal with the killjoys in town square, ready for round two in the pipes?"

Gumball growled once again.

Meanwhile in Town Square...

"Attention Everypony! The Happiness Patrol is on the move to dispell the protestors. Enjoy yourselves, and remember to smile!" the P.A. blared.

The Doctor smirked. His plan was working exactly as he thought it would. He looked at the swarming crowd protestors that Reed Plate had gathered with pride. These city streets, filled to the brim with obnoxiously bright colors, were now muted by both the night sky and the dark cloaks of the protestors. He was that much closer to ending Surprise's foolish methods.

Chocolate Torte walked over to him. "Doctor."

"Ah, Chocolate Torte. Have you come to see the fun, or is that classified?" he asked.

"I'm actually leaving the planet. Census is done." Torte offered a parchment to The Doctor, as if to request that he read it. As he did so, a look of confusion crossed his face.

"Whistle Blower, Honey Mixer? I know these names," The Doctor pointed out.

"I know. They seem to have just up and disappeared."

"The full extent of Surprise's work over the past six cycles," The Doctor realized. Much to his shock, the list was incredibly long. This only served to fuel the Time Lord's fire. "You get out of here," he said. "It's just about time to begin."

Torte left to find the shipyard. The Doctor turned to Reed and nodded. Reed responded by playing an old classic on his harmonica. The Doctor began to croon.

"It's still the same old story, a fight for love and glory, a case of do or die..."

A group of brightly colored mares marched into the square, led by Dandy Candy. Firefly and Sugar Cane were dragged in with chains.

"Oh," The Doctor said, stopping his musical number, "I was wondering if you lot were really going to show up."

"Doctor!" Firefly shouted.

"I'm very happy to see you're okay, Firefly."

"I'm happy you're happy, Doctor," Dandy interjected. "But it's over for them, and it's over for these killjoys." She lifted her gun.

The Doctor smiled.

And then he burst out in hysterical laughter.

Dandy lowered her gun in confusion. Firefly looked at him with equal bafflement. "Doctor, what are you doing?"

"HA, HA, HA! Isn't it obvious?! HA, HA! They can't shoot me! What they see before them is an incrrrrrredibly happy pony! HA, HA, HA!" he laughed his way through his victorious speech. "Sure I was grumpy before. But now I'm having a ball! And so are these killjoys!"

That was their cue. Reed and the killjoys began to burst out in laughter and cheering. The sound of their laughter drowned out the muzak.

Dandy and the other patrolmares didn't know how to respond to this. They were told to destroy the protestors, but they were happy! The once dreary demonstration was now one of the most upbeat they had ever seen. And why wouldn't it be?

They were about to win.

"Quite frankly, the only killjoys around here are you lot!" The Doctor declared. "None of you are happy about this turn of events, save Firefly and Sugar Cane!"

Firefly and Sugar exchanged understanding glances, and joined the others in laughter.

It was at this moment that Praline Pie arrived with another group of patrolmares. They were equally shocked at this turn of events, and realized the sad reality of the situation.

They had to arrest the other patrolmares.

While Dandy's squad turned themselves over, knowing they had no choice at this point, The Doctor freed Firefly and Sugar.

"That was impressive, Prof!"

"And I'm just getting started."

Meanwhile in the Execution Yard...

Surprise and Jelly were taking an early-morning walk. They made it a point that after a long night's work, they would spend a little bit of time together.

"The night looks really pretty, huh Jelly-Belly?"

"Yes, dear," he replied. He smiled.

He wasn't happy.

"It's the kind of night that makes you happy to be alive!" Jelly didn't respond. She turned to him with that never-budging smile. "I said, it's the kind of night that makes you happy to be alive."

"Oh, yeah," he nodded, a little disturbed by his wife's expression. "I'm happy you're happy."

"And I'm happy you're happy."

The P.A. blared out. "Attention everypony! Chaos has broken out in Town Square! The Happiness Patrol has fallen into infighting. Enjoy yourselves, and remember to smile!"

Surprise rolled her eyes. "There's always something. You stay here and wait for Gumball, I'll deal with this."

"Yes dear."

Meanwhile in the Empty Streets...

The Doctor, with Firefly, Reed, and Sugar in tow, raised a manhole cover.

"What's next, Prof?"

"We work our way up," he replied.

He promptly dived into the pipes.

Meanwhile in the Waiting Area...

Dandy Candy played the slots, while her patrol division sat around within the painted triangle. Praline Pie looked at the former patrolmare with shame.

"Hope you're enjoying yourself, killjoy," Praline said.

"I'm not a killjoy!" Dandy scoffed.

"I remember working with you. You never quite fit in. I could tell you would crack eventually."

The telescreen on the slot machine activated, and Surprise appeared on the screen.

"At least you won," Praline pointed out.

"No, I didn't," Dandy said, a little bit worried.

"I'm broadcasting live, sillies!" Surprise informed them. "Now, release Dandy Candy, will you?"

"But she's a killjoy!"

Surprise's eye twitched. Her smile still wouldn't move. "I'm losing my patience, Praline. Let her go!" she practically screamed.

Dandy saluted, and left.

"What should I do?" Praline asked.

"You're in the waiting zone. Wait."

Meanwhile in the Pipes...

As The Doctor and company finished their descent into the pipes, the shaggy natives ran their way.

"What's wrong?" Firefly asked.

"Gumball," the leader replied.

"You said you frrried the alligator," The Doctor said to Firefly.

"Hey, nopony's a perfect shot."

The sound of the reptile's growl echoed through the pipes.

"I think we should go that way," The Doctor said.

"That way, danger," the leader reminded him.

"Prrrecisely."

Meanwhile in the Oval Office...

"So," Surprise began, "explain what exactly is going on, Dandy."

Dandy nodded. "The protestors are marching, and steadily attempting to bring down the factories. The Doctor and his posse seem to be roaming the city."

"No problem, then!" Surprise giggled. "The factories are heavily guarded and we'll find The Doctor soon enough."

"We think he went into the pipes," Dandy replied.

"Excellent. Gumball can deal with him."

Meanwhile in the Pipes...

The Doctor continued his trek down the pipes, hoping to track down Gumball. As the growling grew louder, The Doctor's smirk grew.

"Alright, this should do it," he muttered. "Firefly, you and Sugar get out of here. I'll meet you both topside soon enough. Go help the protestors."

The girls nodded and departed.

"What about me, Doctor?" Reed asked.

"Give me an A-Flat."

"Eh?"

"No, A-Flat. On your harmonica," he clarified.

"But what about the syrup? If I play, won't it come tumbling down?"

"That's the plan," The Doctor replied.

Reed's eyes widened with understanding. He played the note, but it only seemed to alert Gumball to their presence.

"Um... try a C," The Doctor guessed.

Reed complied, and the two heard a crackling sound. "Now we run?" Reed asked.

"Yes."

The two departed as they heard the sounds of an avalanche behind them.

Meanwhile in the Oval Office...

The P.A. continued to blare. "Attention everypony! Guards have turned traitor, and are helping protestors bring down the factories. Enjoy yourselves, and remember to smile!"

Dandy looked concerned, but Surprise, well, you can probably guess at this point.

"It's just the one factory. We've got thousands," Surprise said, waving her hoof in dismissal.

"But what about the riots? Or the reports of public grief?" Dandy asked.

"All we need is a strong patrolmare who knows the streets like the back of her hoof. Praline Pie, maybe?"

Dandy gulped. After her imprisonment, she had lost a lot of faith in Praline. "But she's a fanatic!"

"Fanatic's only a few letters away from 'fantastic'!" she declared. "Bring the Waiting Area up on the screen."

The telescreen flared to life, and the image appeared. Praline Pie was now bound and gagged by the other patrolmares. Sugar waved at the camera, while Reed taught a few members of the patrol how to play the harmonica.

Surprise's eye twitched again. "Alright..." she said, slowly. "The Kandykolt, then."

Meanwhile in the Kandy Kitchen...

Fortunately, the Kandykolt was able to unstick himself this time around, and he was experimenting with what appeared to be vanilla extract. The telescreen on the side wall came to life, and Surprise appeared.

"Madame?" the sugar creature asked.

"I'm counting on you to get rid of The Doctor. I don't care how far you have to go."

As if on cue, The Doctor and Firefly burst out from a manhole nearby. The telescreen shut off in response.

"Hope you don't mind us dropping in," The Doctor said. "Have you met Firefly? She's an expert in calorification, incineration, carbonization, and inflammation."

"What?"

"She's here to inspect your oven."

"Quite so," she said, adopting a stuffy tone of voice. She looked to the oven, and turned on the gas.

"You were a fool to return here, Doctor. I told you that you would die!" the Kandykolt exclaimed.

"I give you about a hundred-to-one odds," Firefly mocked. She discreetly picked up a red-hot poker with her wing.

"On second thought, you die first!" it said, turning to her.

"Oh come on," The Doctor whined, "you prrrrromised."

The Kandykolt groaned in frustration. "Heads or tails?"

"Tails," The Doctor replied. "What do I win?"

"That would be telling." It inched closer to The Doctor.

Firefly whistled. As the Kandykolt turned around, she opened the over door, and held the poker in front of it. The gas caught fire and set the Kandykolt ablaze! The candy-creature screamed in agony and ran out, crying in anguish.

"Think he'll be okay?" Firefly asked.

"Well, he is mostly preserrrrvatives," The Doctor joked.

The two walked out into the empty streets, and saw that the converted patrolmares were destroying the speakers, so that the muzak would stop playing.

"Isn't it peaceful, Doctor?" Reed Plate asked. "The sound of silence."

"Not silence," he replied. "I can hear the sound of an empire toppling."

Meanwhile in the Oval Office...

Surprise tried to contact the Kandykolt, but nothing appeared on the telescreen.

Her eyes twitched even more furiously than before. "Where is everypony?!"

Meanwhile in the Execution Yard...

Jelly waited patiently for Gumball to return from the pipes. In walked Maestro Patissier. "What's going on?"

"Kandykolt's dead," Patissier said.

"You don't seem too upset about the death of your 'son'," Jelly pointed out.

"He wasn't anything special. Before I came to this planet, I was a microbiologist," he told him.

"How'd you become a chef, then?" Jelly asked.

"I accidentally bred a super-germ. Wiped out a good chunk of the planet."

"That's not your fault. Besides, you were able to pack up and start again."

"And what about you?"

Jelly pondered this.

Meanwhile at Surprise's House...

Surprise carefully filled her bags with her most treasured valuables, and of course the essentials. She hummed a little song under her breath. Something about sunshine, lollipops, rainbows, and all those other happy things.

Dandy looked on with confusion. It was as if Surprise hadn't noticed that her entire world was crumbling down around her. "So how long will you be gone?"

"Gone?"

"You're packing a suitcase."

"Why should I leave?"

"Well, given the situation..."

"Nothing's wrong, silly! I just need an eensy-weensy vaction!"

The P.A. flared to life again. "Attention everypony! A total of 112 factories have fallen to the rebel forces. Enjoy yourselves, and remember to smile!"

Surprise's eyes twitched, but that smile just would not move. "See, nothing to worry about! I'm perfectly happy!"

Dandy suddenly realized just how terrifying her boss really was. She smiled. "I'm happy you're happy."

But she wasn't.

Meanwhile in the Pipes...

Firefly looked at some sort of map that The Doctor had only recently drawn up. She wasn't sure how accurate it was, but it was all they had. "I think we're under the palace now."

"Excellent." The Doctor turned to the native leader. "I believe this is where we say our goodbyes."

"What now?" the native asked.

"I've talked with the protestors," The Doctor explained, "They're more than happy to let you live alongside them."

"Nice."

"Very nice."

A strange noise began to rumble through the pipes.

"What is that?" Firefly asked.

The Doctor put his ear to the side of the pipes. "It sounds like a shuttle taking off."

Meanwhile in the Oval Office...

As Surprise finished packing, she also noticed the sound of a rocket. She activated her telescreen, in the hopes of contacting the crew. A familiar donkey appeared before her. "Maestro Patissier?!"

"It's a nice rocket," he noted. "Impressive feat of engineering."

"You betrayed me?" she asked, not changing her cheerful expression.

"Yeah, but I am suffering. I've got bad company."

Jelly walked up behind Patissier. "Goodbye, sweetie."

"What are you doing on that thing? You're supposed to wait for Gumball, silly!" She giggled.

"I never liked that thing, anyway."

The telescreen clicked off as the shuttle launched from the atmosphere.

Surprise's eyes twitched again, and she left the room with her bags in tow.

Meanwhile at Surprise's House...

Dandy wasn't really sure what the plan was at this point. The factories were being overrun, Surprise had left, and the patrol was in disarray.

As if to emphasize the point, The Doctor and Firefly burst into the room. "Hello, could you tell me where to find Surprise?"

"It's too late Doctor!" Dandy reached for her gun. "She's already left, but I'm delighted to see you!"

Suddenly, Dandy's gun was blasted out of her hooves. She turned around and saw that Sugar Cane and Reed had also made their way inside. Sugar had fired her own blaster.

"Sweet!" Firefly said. "Who taught you to shoot like that?"

"Dandy," Sugar snarked.

Firefly looked at the defeated patrolmare. "Do you have a class at the learning annex or something?"

Reed noticed a tape player next to a speaker system. He ripped out the tape, and attached a nearby microphone. He began to play his harmonica, and in the place of the muzak, blues rhythms filled the air of Laughterra.

The Doctor snuck out of the room.

"Better than the elevator music," Dandy admitted.

Meanwhile in the Empty Streets...

Surprise was violating one of her own rules. She was wandering the streets alone at night, but with her floral-print luggage and ever-present smile, she wasn't too worried. Worrying would be sadsy-wadsy.

"You aren't going to escape that easily."

She turned her head to see The Doctor waiting for her. He smirked.

"You can't keep me here, Doctor. There's a scheduled flight anyway," she informed him.

"I know, but I also know that you'll never escape what you're trying to run away from."

"And what's that?" she asked.

"Sadness," he replied. "Nopony can escape sadness."

"But you have to try," Surprise countered. "Sadness just makes you feel bad. Happiness is the bestedy best thing in the universe! Everypony deserves to be happy! Everypony should always be happy!" she explained, the biggest of smiles on her face.

"And you decided to deliver this charity through prisons, rrrrroving bands of mercenaries, and death by strawberry jam?" he asked.

"That wasn't the original plan," she explained, "but I had to do it. The killjoys just wouldn't leave well enough alone. They wouldn't stand aside for the sake of everypony who really wanted to be happy."

"Don't you ever feel like crying?" The Doctor pleaded.

"Why would I? Everything about this place is super-special happy!"

"You call this place happy? A place where the air is always filled with music that has no heart in it? A place where all there is to eat are snacks whose pleasures are as empty as their calories? A place where every building and every light are colors that are so bright that they only serve to blind? Is this really the world you want to live in?!"

Surprise took a moment before her response. "It doesn't matter," she muttered. "I'm going to a new planet now. A place where everypony can be happy."

"A place where there is no compassion?"

"A place where you don't need compassion!" she shouted back.

The Doctor's smirk faded. He stopped smiling. "You have no need for compassion?"

"Not when everypony's happy!"

"But what about the bad times?"

"Smile and the bad times just fade away!"

The Doctor shook his head. "I feel so sorry for you." He pointed behind her, and she turned to look. Something was crawling out from the manhole.

It was Gumball. Poor, old Gumball. The alligator was on its last legs, bloodied from the avalanche of crystallized syrup. In spite of the pain, the loveable lizard had used the last of its strength to find his master.

"Gumball?" she asked, her lips starting to tremble.

As Gumball took his last steps, Surprise took her beloved pet into her hooves. The reptile let out one last growl, and closed his eyes forever.

Surprise's poofy hair deflated like a popped balloon. "No..." she whispered.

And then the floodgates opened. Her domain had crumbled around her, her workers had turned against her, her husband had abandoned her, and her beloved pet was dead.

Surprise wept.

Firefly walked up to The Doctor.

"What happened?" she asked.

"The first step to recovery," he muttered.

A Bit Later in Town Square...

With Surprise's control over Laughterra more or less done for, the Happiness Patrol had pretty much disbanded. However, a few select members got together for one last job.

Praline and Dandy had paintbrushes in their mouths and wore dirty smocks as they finished painting the TARDIS blue again.

"Sorry about the whole 'pink' thing, Doctor," Dandy said.

"Ah, forgive and forget."

"Personally, I kind of like blue," Praline admitted.

Sugar Cane turned to The Doctor. "Thank you so much for letting us like blue."

"Anytime. Speaking of blue, what's going to happen to you, Reed?" he said, turning to the former psychology student.

"I think it's time I took my music a bit more seriously," he said, "Maybe I'll get a bit futher that way."

"I hope to hear your work in the future." The Doctor and Reed exchanged a 'farewell' hoofbump.

The Doctor and Firefly made their way back to the trusty old police barn, and Firefly asked one last question. "Do you think they'll be alright, Prof?"

"As long as they enjoy themselves, and remember to smile," he joked.

The door shut behind them and the box dematerialized, and the citizens of Laughterra were treated to the most wonderful noise in existence.

Sugar turned her head to the sky and saw that the sun had risen on Laughterra. It was a new day. And she smiled.

Because she was happy.

THE END

Special Thanks To:

Lauren Faust

Bonnie Zacherle

Sydney Newman

Russell T. Davies

Steven Moffat

Tara Strong et. al

All Eleven Doctors

Sophie Aldred

Lissy-Strata on DeviantArt

and All My Fans

Next Time:

The Fourth Doctor, Twilight Sparkle, and Dr. Stable in...

Genesis of the Daleks

Author's Note

So that's The Happiness Patrol. I hope it made you happy. Or told you why Margaret Thatcher is awful, I don't know.

Anyway, I feel I need to give Tom Baker fans their due after Four's distinct absence from The Five Doctors, so I figure if I'm going to do a Four story, I might as well go big or go home.

Also, Twilight's an Alicorn now. Yeah. All her adventures with The Doctor take place before that, so... It won't affect these fics.

Chapter One

Keep your graveyards, your forbidden temples, and all your ancient towers. There is very little that is quite as terrifying as a carnival or amusement park at night. To see the epitome of light and happiness inverted and abandoned never fails to send a shiver down the spine.

A solitary mare walked along the empty streets of the carnival. The pouring rain soaked her pink raincoat, and made it hang off her body loosely. She kept up her slow pace until she found a bench where she could rest. She smiled.

But she wasn't happy.

"Excuse me."

She turned her head and saw a stallion standing next to the house of mirrors. His coat was a bright blue, and he had a whistle cutie mark. He was wearing a trench coat and a fedora, both soaked by the rain. He walked over to her. "Do you want somepony to talk to?"

"You're not supposed to talk to strangers," she joked.

"I'm trying to help you, madame."

She looked away. "I don't want help."

"Maybe not," he said, "but if you just sit here like that, you know what will happen."

"Let them come. I don't care anymore."

He put his hoof on her shoulder. "You don't have to face this alone. There's a place where killjoys can go to indulge their depression."

"I'm not a killjoy!" she shouted, defending herself.

"I know, but that's what they'd call you," he replied.

She smiled for real this time. "Thank you. I'm Almond Danish."

He smiled back, and gave her a business card. "My card."

"Whistle Blower?" she said, wondering about the implications.

"Look at the other side."

She turned it over, and couldn't bring herself to say it out loud. 'Happiness Patrol Undercover'.

"Time to get really depressed." Whistle Blower lived up to his moniker, and blew the whistle around his neck.

A group of mares in bright colors arrived, and surrounded Almond Danish. They smiled.

And she didn't.

*Theme Music*

Sylvester McCoy

Sandy Duncan

DOCTOR WHOOVES

The Happiness Patrol

Based on a Story by Graeme Curry

Meanwhile in Town Square

Town Square, along with most of the city, had speakers on the rooftops. 24/7, rain or shine, the speakers would fill the air with a pleasant muzak. In this bizzare carnival-city fusion, on this rainy evening, the familiar sound of a trusty Type 40 rang out amongst the muzak as the TARDIS materialized.

Out stepped the Time Lord piloting it. His tan coat was covered by a vest littered with question marks. He wore a white jacket over the vest, and had an umbrella hanging off it, with a hook shaped like a question mark. His brown man was covered by a white hat with red trim, and his eyes were old. His cutie mark was an hourglass, the sand starting to collect more in the bottom half.

At his side was a pink pegasus mare. Her mane and tail were blue, as was her cutie mark, two lightning bolts chasing one another. She was excitedly drilling The Doctor for information about something he had mentioned earlier.

"So you guys fought off an entire bunch of dragons all on your own?" Firefly asked.

"Well, the dragons themselves weren't the actual problem. It was more a few fools who didn't quite understand how time travel works," The Doctor explained, "but I agree that the dragons are probably the more interesting part of the story."

Firefly paused and took in the sound of the muzak around her. "So, why are we on the planet of elevator music?"

"Laughterra!" The Doctor announced. "One of Equestria's earliest colonized planets. Well, I say early, but we are several centuries into your future. Some call it the happiest planet in seven systems."

Firefly absorbed her surroundings. The city was filled with some of the most bizzare design choices she had ever seen. Every building was a bright-neon color, some even with polka-dots or candy-stripes. The apartment complexes had openings in the shape of a clown's mouth. The roofs had rainbow-wheel designs. Ribbons and streamers littered the tallest of the buildings. Posters and billboards surrounded them, with the image of a white-pegasus mare with 'SMILE!' written beneath her in bright, appealing letters.

"Well, I don't like it."

The Doctor flipped his umbrella over, and an automated device kept it attached to the jacket as it opened. The rain didn't bother Firefly. The Doctor turned to his friend. "I guess I could see how you couldn't."

"The place feels a little too," Firefly paused to look for the right word, "overpowering. Like they're trying too hard."

"Well, I have heard some interesting rrrumors about the happiness around here," The Doctor explained, "I've come to investigate them a bit."

"Well, I vote we find a city planner first." Firefly joked.

"Agreed."

Meanwhile in the Oval Office...

Whistle Blower stood at attention, a nice, big smile plastered across his face. He was very proud of all the work he had done for Laughterra, and the rewards were more than worth the effort.

The pegasus mare from the posters stood in front of him. Her mane was blonde and poofy, and her cutie mark were three purple balloons. This was her office, and she was the leader of Laughterra. As to be expected from a pony with such a position, she smiled. She always smiled.

She stuck a badge to the inside of Whistle Blower's trench coat. "Badge number three!" she sang. "You're doing a great job, Whistly! That's your forty-fifth killjoy!" She clapped her front hooves together in celebration.

"Well, thank you, Madame Surprise," he responded, "but I've actually gotten forty-seven."

Surprise looked at him with disdain, but what made it all the more terrifying was that she was still smiling. "I think you should let me do the counting, Whistly," she said, lowering her voice a bit.

"I'm sorry, Madame," he apologized.

She popped right back to her ball-of-fun state. "Well, okay! The point is you're doing great. I like your initiative!"

"Aim for the top, right?" he replied.

"Not the tippity-tip-top, I hope?" she replied.

"Of course not," he answered. He then smiled.

But he wasn't happy.

Meanwhile on the Streets...

As The Doctor and Firefly walked down the streets, they came across a bespectacled unicorn stallion with a dark-brown coat and mane, and a cutie mark of a devil's food cake.

"Excuse me, sir, may we speak with you?" The Doctor asked.

He turned to them and lifted a clipboard up with magic. "Names, please."

"Firefly," the so-named pegasus said, confused.

"And I'm The Doctor," the Time Lord added.

"No nicknames," the unicorn replied. "Real name sir."

"The Prof doesn't tell anypony his real name." Firefly laughed. "Go on, tell him about it."

"Well, what's in a name?" The Doctor mused. "A rrrrose by any other name would have it's thorns."

"I could report you for this," the unicorn threatened.

"But how could you report somepony if you don't know their name?" The Doctor asked.

"Well, I'd..." the unicorn stopped. He wasn't sure how to respond to that.

"What's your name, sir?" The Doctor asked.

"Chocolate Torte."

"Can ask you something?" Firefly wondered. "How do you stand the muzak?"

"I like the muzak." Chocolate Torte replied. Firefly couldn't tell if he was lying or not.

"What are you doing out in the rain alone?" The Doctor asked.

"I work for the Cheer Center. I'm on official business," Torte defended.

"Could I see some ID?"

Torte then showed The Doctor his badge. The symbol consisted of the cupcake and the greek letter sigma

"Why the sigma on the logo?"

"All citizens have badges." Torte explained. "Off-worlders are designated as Sigmas. Your friend there would be Firefly Sigma."

Firefly pondered this. It wasn't the worst thing somepony had called her.

The Doctor chuckled at this. "You know, back in college I went by Theta Sigma."

"No nicknames!"

Meanwhile in Town Square...

The half-dozen bright-colored mares from earlier approached the TARDIS.

One of them was a light pink-coated mare with a green mane. Her cutie mark was a stick of cotton-candy. Another was a light orange unicorn with a collection of nuts as a cutie mark. The third one worthy of note was white with a green stalk for a cutie mark.

The cotton-candy pony took the lead. "Alright girls! The dreary old blue thing is going to make ponies unhappy. You know what we've got to do, right?"

"Right!" the others replied.

Meanwhile by the bench...

The Doctor and Firefly observed the bench by the hall of mirrors. The Doctor licked the back of the bench and smacked his lips.

"The taste is watered down, but I feel the lingering taste of a stun spell. Something happened here," The Doctor muttered.

"Kidnapping?" Firefly guessed.

"At the very least," The Doctor replied. "Somthing nasty is about, and we're putting a stop to it. Before the sun rises tomorrow morning."

"So we're going to stop some evil scheme going on over the course of one night?" Firefly clarified.

"Indeed."

Firefly punched the air. "Sweet! This trip just got a lot better, Prof!"

The Doctor tipped his hat. "I aim to please and thank you."

"So what's the plan?" Firefly asked.

"First, we get arrested."

A Bit Later in Town Square...

As The Doctor and Firefly returned to Town Square, they found the mares had completed their task.

Firefly could barely muster up a response. "Oh. My. Celestia."

The smiling mares had painted the TARDIS pink.

They had painted. The TARDIS. Pink!

"Great job girls!" the cotton candy mare said to the others.

"I agree," The Doctor lied, "it was a bit of a downer wasn't it?"

The mares giggled. The cotton candy mare stepped forward. "I'm happy that you're happy." She turned to Firefly. "Is your friend happy?"

"Somepony shoot me." Firefly muttered.

One of the other mares produced a large pink rifle, and fired an energy bolt from it, destroying a nearby trash can.

Firefly's eyes widened. "What was that thing, and how can I replace my face with it?"

"Well, I'm happy that you're happy now!" the cotton candy mare said. "I'm Dandy Candy, and this is my section of the Happiness Patrol." She gestured to the others. "You two aren't that familiar... Oh! Are you new ponies?!"

"As a matter of fact, we are," The Doctor explained.

"Okie-dokie! Just make sure that in the future, you stay in the tourist area, mmkay?" Dandy replied, smiling.

The Doctor and Firefly turned to one another.

"Do you think they can get us arrested?" Firefly whispered.

"I'm almost certain they'd be the ones to go to. I have an idea." The Doctor turned to Dandy. "We actually were never in the tourist area, you see. We also lack any visitor's badges."

Dandy kept her smile up and walked over to the other patrolmares. They had a small discussion, and Dandy turned back to The Doctor. "Well, we're going to have to take you in, but your friend can audition to be a member of the Happiness Patrol!"

"So we're arrested?" Firefly asked.

"Sorta, kinda," Dandy answered, bobbing her head from side to side.

"Finally," she muttered.

Meanwhile at Surprise's House...

A portly purple stallion lounged around on the couch. He watched the image of a mare screaming in terror on a telescreen. His expression was blank, as though he had been long desensitized to such horrors.

Surprise floated into the room. "Whatcha watching there, Jelly-Belly?"

Jelly Doughnut was Surprise's husband of a few years now. It was a functional relationship. She enjoying making sweets, and he enjoyed eating them.

"It's called Routine Disappearance 499,987. This one's a classic," he droned.

"Come on there, sweetie, my broadcast's about to be on."

She flicked a switch, and the telescreen crackled for a moment before switching to the image of Surprise in her office, talking.

"And Jelly-Belly and I just want you to know, we're super-dee-duper-dee proud of everypony who's helped to track down those killjoys! Enjoy yourselves, and remember to smile!

Meanwhile in the Waiting Area...

The Doctor and Firefly stood in strange room that had a red square painted on the ground. Happiness Patrol members would occassionally walk around the room talking about their work. The only real form of entertainment other than eavesdropping on their stories was a slot machine in the corner. A goldenrod stallion with a beehive cutie mark was playing.

The Doctor and Firefly walked over to him. "Weirdest prison ever or what? Am I right?" Firefly asked the stallion, hoping to start small talk.

"Maybe." The slot machine displayed two bannanas and a cherry.

"Can't win them all, I suppose," The Doctor said.

"I don't like winning anyway."

Firefly blinked. "You really are a killjoy aren't you?"

"And proud of it," the stallion replied. "The prize sucks anyway."

"What is the prize?" Firefly asked.

Three sevens appeared on the slots.

"We're about to find out," The Doctor muttered.

From behind the device, a small telescreen rose up. Surprise appeared on the screen.

"Wow, you won at the slots?!" she said. "Yay! Ooh, ooh, ooh, here's your prize: a joke!" She started to giggle to herself. "Did you hear the one about the Happiness Patrol and the killjoy? They tickled him to death!"

As Surprise continued to laugh to herself, the screen disappeared behind the slot machine. Firefly gave the machine a thousand-yard stare. "Dear Celestia."

"I know," The Doctor agreed, "who writes this stuff?"

"I used to," the gambler told him.

"You?" Firefly asked.

"My name's Honey Mixer. I was a joke writer. Then my brother disappeared. It wasn't until then that I started to look into the other disappearances. I tried to contact intergalactic authorities, but then the Happiness Patrol caught me and brought me here."

Honey Mixer went back to playing the slots. The prize was poor, but there was little else to do.

"Umm, there's no bars, no official security, why don't you just leave?" Firefly wondered.

The Doctor turned to one of the patrolmares walking about, the orange one from earlier with nuts for a cutie mark. "Excuse me, Miss..."

"Praline Pie," she finished for him.

"Miss Praline Pie, is this a prison?" he asked.

She shook her head. "No, silly, prisons are sadsy-wadsy! There aren't any prisons on Laughterra."

"So, if this isn't a prison, does that mean we can just leave?" The Doctor asked.

"I guess you can, but if you cross the line," she replied, pointing to the painted square on the ground, "we'll have to kill you."

Meanwhile in the Execution Yard...

A group of ponies with black bags over their heads stood waiting. Jelly Doughnut sat on the other side of the room, observing. The room itself was stark and empty, save for a large tube pointing down from the ceiling, and a series of black balloons for decoration.

One of the ponies stepped forward, and stood underneath the tube.

"Too bad for you, buddy," Jelly said.

Meanwhile in the Waiting Area...

"So this Madame Surprise has made it punishable by law to wear dark clothing?" The Doctor asked.

Honey Mixer nodded. "And listening to slow music, walking alone in the rain without an umbrella, reading poems that aren't limericks, she calls it 'public grief'."

"That's horrible," Firefly summarized, "why not fight back?"

"Ponies are scared, even if they are smiling," Honey explained.

"Furthermore, she has the Happiness Patrol," The Doctor added.

"They're nothing but a bunch of peppy nutbags." Firefly scoffed.

"Peppy nutbags with guns," The Doctor corrected.

"And they're the nice ones," Honey said. "Have you heard about the Kandykolt?"

"No, but he sounds sweet," The Doctor joked.

"He's dangerous. He does experiments, and prisoners like us are the guinea pigs."

"So I assume he doesn't mix it up with love and make the world taste good," The Doctor said.

"No. He just makes sweets."

Meanwhile in the Oval Office...

Surprise observed the Execution Yard on one of her personal telescreens. There was a knock at the door.

"Come in!"

In walked a donkey, smiling about as much as a donkey conceivably could. However, since he was a donkey, Surprise granted him a little leeway. "You wanted to see me, Madame?"

"Maestro Patissier, what's the Kandykolt cooked up for us tonight?" she asked.

"Fondant Surprise." He silently wondered about when the Execution Yard hadn't used Fondant Surprise, if they ever had.

"Oooh, what flavor?"

"Strawberry," he droned.

"Oh! That's my absolicious favorite!" she squealed.

Meanwhile in the Waiting Area...

"So this Kandykolt guy's the one making ponies disappear?" Firefly asked.

"That's one of the reasons," Honey replied. "You can disappear because of him, a late-night run-in with the patrol, or something else."

"What's the something else?"

"I don't know. But I'm betting firing squad."

Meanwhile in the Execution Yard...

Dandy walked over to present Jelly with a scroll. Jelly began to read it. "It says here you have been found guilty of great amounts of public grief. As such, you are sentenced to the highest possible penalty."

The tube above the guilty pony began to rumble, and suddenly a large amount of hot strawberry jam began to pour down out of it, covering the prisoner. The prisoner collapsed.

Jelly got up to sample some of the gunge. "Mmm. Fondant Surprise."

Meanwhile in the Waiting Area...

Having finished their information session, Firefly turned to The Doctor. "I think we'd better get going, Prof."

"Well, we do have a long night's work ahead of us."

"Nice! Prison break time."

The Doctor turned to Honey Mixer. "Care to come with us?"

"Why bother?" Honey asked, going back to the slots. "There's no escape."

Meanwhile in the Oval Office...

Surprise was laughing excitedly at the image of the drowned prisoner. Patissier remained somewhat indifferent. "So am I free to go now?"

"Not yet!" she sang. She flipped a switch, and the telescreen turned to Honey Mixer playing the slots.

"His brother?" Patissier asked.

"Family is very important to me." She pressed a button.

Meanwhile in the Waiting Area...

Electrical energy surged through the slot machine and into Honey's body. His smoking body fell over dead.

Firefly gasped.

"Bet he got a real charge out of that!" Praline Pie joked.

Firefly grit her teeth and attempted to charge her, but The Doctor grabbed her before she could take off.

"No, no, it was a shocking experience!" Praline laughed.

"Let me go, Prof! I need to shut this chick up!" Firefly demanded.

"Save your anger, you're no use to us if you're like this," The Doctor reminded her.

Firefly nodded and took a few deep, cleansing breaths. "Sorry Prof. I just really want to make these freaks unhappy."

"We will, trust me."

The Doctor's eyes darted around the room, and they fell upon a chariot waiting in the corner. As a few patrolmares dragged Honey's body away, The Doctor got Praline's attention. "Excuse me, I was wondering about that chariot."

"The Waiting Area chariot? What about it?"

"Well, if my friend and I were to get in and run away, what would you do?" The Doctor asked.

Praline pondered this for a moment. "Umm... nothing I guess."

The Doctor was somewhat dumbfounded. "Nothing? You wouldn't sound an alarm or shoot us?"

"Nope." She walked away.

"Booby-trapped?" Firefly guessed.

"Most likely."

Meanwhile at Surprise's House...

Surprise returned to her personal quarters, and hidden off to the side of the room was a large cage covered by lace. Within the cage was a full-grown, vicious alligator, snapping at the sides of the bars.

"Hi there, Gumball, did you miss your mommy? Yes, you did. Yes, you did!" Surprise sang.

Gumball smiled a wicked gator's smile. Surprise smiled back at gave him a few small pieces of chocolate.

Meanwhile in the Waiting Area...

The Doctor and Firefly were tinkering with the chariot as Praline walked over.

"You're not thinking of using that thing are you?"

"Not at all," The Doctor replied.

Firefly lifted a black box with a blinking red light on it. "On an unrelated note, would you mind holding this?"

Praline Pie took the box. "What is this thing?"

The Doctor jumped into the chariot as Firefly hooked herself up to it. "Oh, that's the bomb that was inside it. Have fun!" The Doctor replied.

Firefly took off like a rocket as the two beat a hasty retreat. Praline threw the bomb away and gathered her forces.

As the two continued along down the streets, Firefly had to stop and catch her breath. "Prof, you got to cut down on... you know, I've never seen you eat."

"I eat, just in prrrivate." The Doctor retorted. The two looked down the road, and it was clear that the patrolmares were on their tail.

"Prof, you get out of here, I'll distract them." Firefly said.

"But Firefly-!"

"No questions, just go!"

The Doctor nodded and ran off. As the patrolmares arrived, Firefly quickly adopted an innocent expression.

"So is it too late for that audition thing I heard about?"

A Bit Later at Patrol HQ...

It was not too late for the audtion, but the process was going over like a lead balloon. Firefly absent mindedly played the spoons for the interviewer, the white mare from earlier.

"I'm starting to see why Prof likes this," Firefly muttered.

"He may like it, but I don't," the interviewer said. "How about jokes, do you know jokes?"

"Nope."

"Songs?"

Firefly thought about this for a moment, and a song popped into her head. She began to sing very loudly and very off-key. "I walk a lonely road, the only road that I have ever known, don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone..."

"No, no, no, no!" she interrupted. "A happy song. A song about sunshine, lollipops..."

"Rainbows and all those other happy things?" Firefly finished.

"Yes! Do you know that one?"

"No," she deadpanned.

The interviewer exhaled, and she stopped smiling.

"Look, I'm sorry that I'm not Happiness Patrol material-" Firefly began.

"That's okay. Sometimes I don't think I am either."

Firefly blinked twice. "Why not? You seem perfect, umm..."

"Sugar Cane."

"See, even your name is perfect for the job!" Firefly said.

"I know but..." Sugar gulped. "A few mornings I wake up, and I don't feel like smiling."

Firefly looked at her analytically. "Everypony has bad days sometimes."

"It's more than that," Sugar replied. "I can see all the killjoys I've caught. I think about how sad they are, and I think about how sad any of their friends and family must be. And it makes me remember..."

"Remember what?" Firefly asked with a comforting voice.

"That all my friends 'disappeared' a long time ago." Sugar desperately tried to hold back her tears. She smiled.

But she clearly wasn't happy.

"It's not wrong to frown when you're sad. It's perfectly natural," Firefly told her. "If you smile all the time, it won't mean anything."

Sugar pondered this. "I know one talent you might have."

"What do you mean?"

"Magic."

Firefly tilted her head at this. "Magic?" she repeated.

"Yes. I close my eyes, and when I open them, you aren't here anymore." She closed her eyes.

Firefly took the hint, and ran off.

Meanwhile on the Empty Streets

The Doctor continued his trek as the rain finally started to let up. The only light to be found were obnoxiously bright billboards with pictures of Surprise with the same 'SMILE!' propaganda as the posters.

Whistle Blower saw the lone Time Lord walking the streets, and realized he could now add yet another killjoy to his record. "Excuse me, sir!"

The Doctor walked over. "Ah, do you need any help? You scratch my back, I scratch the tickets, as it were?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Quid pro quo, sir," The Doctor replied. "I'm happy to help you if you help me."

"Well, thank you, I suppose." Whistle Blower was caught off-guard. This stallion didn't give off the aura of a killjoy, but he wasn't about to let that stop him. "What do you need?"

"I'm trying to get in contact with this 'Madame Surprise'," The Doctor said.

Whistle Blower smiled. This was almost too good to be true! "Well," he said, slipping into his silver-tongued voice, "if you do find her, you'd best be smiling."

"Yes, I have heard of her distaste for the miserable."

"Indeed," Whistle Blower replied, "I heard that she marches huge groups of Happiness Patrol members into the sadder districts and has what she calls 'a very special party'."

"Yes, but why?" The Doctor wondered.

"Oh, forgive me if I distressed you." This was going to be his best bust yet!

"Not distressed, mind you, closer to anger," The Doctor corrected. "Why doesn't anypony stand up to her?"

"Well, between the Happiness Patrol and the Kandykolt-"

"Yes, the Kandykolt," The Doctor interrupted. "He's next on my list of ponies to meet."

"I recommend crossing him off fast." Whistle thought about this, but figured that it didn't matter who got rid of this killjoy as long as he got the credit. "But there are small pockets of resistance brewing." And now for the final move. "My card, if you're interested."

The Doctor took it. "My card." The Doctor produced a card, seemingly from mid-air, and gave it to Whistle Blower.

Whistle Blower looked at it. "This just has a question mark on it."

"Whereas yours says Happiness Patrol Undercover," The Doctor replied. Whistle Blower's eyes opened wide. He had let this killjoy distract him! "Nice to see they're equal opportunity employers, would you mind taking a note for Madame Surprise?"

Whistle Blower collected himself and reached for his whistle, but another stallion knocked him out.

The Doctor looked to this new stallion. His coat was a navy blue, and his mane pitch-black. His cutie mark was a harmonica, and he had a brace around his neck that held one. He had a checker-pattered trillby atop his head. "You're welcome," he muttered.

"Thank you, sir. I've always had an appreciation for street musicians," The Doctor replied. He tipped his hat. "I'm The Doctor."

The navy stallion did the same. "Reed Plate."

"So what drives a blues musician to come to the planet where sorrow is forbidden?" The Doctor asked.

"I'm not a blues musician by trade. That's a hobby. I was a psychology student."

"I can see how a psychology student would want to come here," The Doctor observed.

"Yeah, but now I'm stuck here."

"Well, you and me both for the moment," The Doctor said. "Would you care to join me for a visit to this Kandykolt?"

Reed shook his head. "I've got nothing else to do."

The two ran off as a small amount of Happiness Patrol agents came up to the unconscious form of Whistle Blower.

"His cover's blown now," one of them said.

"Shame, I liked him," another added.

They dragged him off.

Further down the road, Firefly kept up her search for The Doctor, but her luck ran out.

Dandy Candy was waiting for her.

Meanwhile in the Kandy Kitchen...

Just as the cityscape was a bizzare fusion of a carnival and a traditional urban setting, the Kandy Kitchen was a fusion of a kitchen, and a mad scientist's dream come true. Beakers and test tubes filled with flavoring and food coloring were across the room. Hot plates that boiled syrup, and a series of notes that seemed to attempt to determine the precise molecular structure of buttercream frosting.

The Doctor and Reed looked around the place with a strange fascination.

"What is this place?" Reed asked.

"I believe this is where they make Everlasting Gobstoppers," The Doctor joked.

As someone entered the room, The Doctor and Reed hid underneath a table.

It was Maestro Patissier. "'Make a thousand pounds of cashew brittle' she says, she just doesn't get how tough this is. She refuses to believe me."

"Enough, where are my specimens?!" a voice called out.

In walked a pony whose body appeared to be made of jawbreakers and gumdrops. Its hooves were connected to the main body with red licorice, and it had a tail made of green apple sour string candies. Its eyes were made of large life saver mints, and as it opened its maw, one could see that it had teeth of candy corn. This was the Kandykolt.

"I'm just saying, sir, she should cut me a bit more slack," Patissier told the sugar creature. "Most ponies around here don't know popcorn from peppermint."

"I don't care! Where are the specimens? I'm itching for another experiment."

The Doctor and Reed tried to run off while the two were distracted, but iron bars slammed in front of the door.

"Will they do, sir?" Patissier asked.

"Indeed. This will be simply... delectable," the Kandykolt said, slurping on its taffy tongue. "Welcome to the Kandy Kitchen, gentlecolts."

"The pleasure is ours," The Doctor replied.

"I hope so," the Kandykolt shot back. "I like it when the volunteers die with smiles on their faces."

And it smiled.

Author's Note

So, trade-off time. (Much) Longer chapters, but less frequent updates. That's how this works from here on out.

If using Surprise as a villain bothers you, I'm sorry.
If the dessert-themed names made you hungry, I'm sorry.
If you think a killer robot made of candy doesn't make any freaking sense, you're absolutely right.

I'm kind of hoping the silliness of The Happiness Patrol will be cancelled out by the fact that it's in pony-world now. I don't know if it worked...

Lastly, I'm using Firefly instead of Rainbow Dash, simply because I don't want to keep the Mane Six tied down, and I'm trying to keep as much of FiM in continuity as possible. As such, in my mind, only Twilight ever traveled with The Doctor, and it was before she met the others.

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