The Muffin Dynastyby Colt VulpesChaptersPrologueChapter 1: Good Morning, Muffin Empire!Chapter 2: Good Morning... Ponyville?!Chapter 3: Luna vs. The MailPrologue·Prologue · Derpy strolled down the road. It was covered in Autumn leaves. Herp-a-derp, derp-a-herp, herp-a-derpidy-derp-a-derp. It was her favorite time of day. Derp-a-derp, herp-a-herp, derpidy-herpidy-derp-a-derp. Actually, she had no clue what time of day it was. Herp-a-huh? And she had no clue whether it was really Autumn. Or where she was. Or how she got there. What in the world— And then she saw him. Discord! Why hadn’t she noticed him before? Discord is pretty big after all. “Why hello there!” he said, drumming his fingers together. Derpy looked at him with a cross-eyed expression. Uh-oh, she thought. This could be trouble. She’d heard Discord had (supposedly) been reformed, but well... this is Discord we’re talking about here. She had her doubts. “Say, aren’t you tired of the way things are going for you?” asked the draconequus. “Oh not really,” replied Derpy. “I’m managing okay.” “But come on now, don’t you miss your days in the limelight?” “Uh... no?” Derpy was puzzled by that question. Limelight? I don’t know what he’s talking about! And what’s he trying to pull? Discord laughed. “You know, you pretty much stole the show at Twilight’s coronation. And you don’t even know it, that’s what’s so funny!” Now Derpy was really confused. “Yeah, I went to the coronation,” she said, “but everypony was invited. Me going was no big deal.” Discord shook his head. “You really have no idea, do you?” He then leaned in. “But that’s only a taste of what I can give you!” “Uh... I don’t really think—” “Come now, my wall-eyed friend—don’t you wish you were more popular? More powerful?” Derpy shook her head. Discord scowled. “You really need to aim higher in life.” “Oh, I’m happy as I am,” countered Derpy. “I have a loving family, and that’s all I need.” This was really making Derpy uncomfortable. She turned around to leave, but Discord slinked around her. (’Cuz Discord has no sense of personal space.) “But don’t you want more than that?” he asked. “N-no. And I should really get—” “I can give you strength. I can give you power. I can make the world revolve around you.” He drew himself back and stood up. “Both literally and figuratively!” he proclaimed. “Wouldn’t that be fun?” Surprisingly, Discord actually sounded sincere. Derpy didn’t trust him for an instant, though. She shook her head. “No. And if you don’t mind, I really need to get going, so—” She turned and ran. Discord vanished and reappeared in front of her. “Oh you just don’t know what’s good for you!” He said, frustrated. An aura formed around him. “Now let me show you a world where you have power. Let me make this world... your world.” Derpy looked at him wide-eyed. “I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the result!” Discord proclaimed. A blinding flash of light came from the draconequus, and everything around Derpy went white. That was the last thing she remembered. · × Chapter 1: Good Morning, Muffin Empire!·Chapter 1Good Morning, Muffin Empire! · Doctor Whooves slept. *SFFFNKKKKKKAAAHHH* He was snoring rather loudly. And then he was shaken rather violently. “TIMEY WAKE UP!” ‘Timey,’ as his wife liked to call him, woke up. He looked around, startled. “What is it, dear?” Derpy was hyperventilating. “I... I just had the weirdest dream...” Poor Derpy, thought the Doctor. It must’ve been a terrifying nightmare. “You want me to light the lamp?” he asked. “Sure,” replied Derpy. She could use some illumination—it might help bring her back to reality. The Doctor fumbled around for the oil lamp but couldn’t find it. “Oh, let me help,” said Derpy. She cast an illumination spell, which lit the room dimly. “Oh there it is,” said the Doctor. He had found the lamp, but unfortunately it was out of reach. “I’ll get it.” Derpy picked up the lamp with her magic and brought it over. She cast an ignition spell and the oil caught fire, which lit the room much more brightly than her illumination spell had. “Thanks Derpy, I—” And then he stopped. “HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!” Derpy looked at her husband, puzzled. The Doctor looked around. “This isn’t our house!” Derpy looked around as well. Indeed it wasn’t. “My, this is certainly strange,” said the Doctor. “Where on earth are we, and how did we wind up here?” “I dunno.” “Well maybe you can—” And he stopped again. “DEAR SWEET CELESTIA HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THAT!?!!?” “Notice what?” “You have a horn, Derpy!” “I do?” “Yes!” “Really?” The Doctor sighed. He loved Derpy, he really did, but sometimes she was a bit slow to pick up on things. “You used magic three times when you got that lamp. How did you not notice?” Derpy gave one of her famous derp faces and shrugged. The Doctor shook his head. “This is all just too weird.” The two of them got up and exited the unfamiliar room. They looked around. It was still mostly dark outside, but they could make out their surroundings from the pre-dawn light. “What the...” the Doctor was stunned. “We’re in the Canterlot castle!” “Woohoo!” said Derpy. She flew off down one of the corridors. “Where are you going?” “To the royal kitchen!” The Doctor chased after her. “Why??” “To make some muffins!” And so Derpy made muffins as the sun came up, and she and the Doctor had a delicious breakfast. “WHEEEEE!!!” A small alicorn filly buzzed into the room. They both looked up in shock at the sight before them. “Dinky?” “Hi Mom! Hi Dad!” Dinky swooped down and snagged a muffin. “You make the best muffins Mom!” The Doctor looked at his wife and daughter. “You’re both... you’re both...” He sighed. “Well, this day is bound to be interesting.” · · 06:59 - All was dark. All was quiet, too, save for an off-white unicorn mare snoring. 07:00 - And then the mare’s alarm went off. The floor shook, and wubs filled the room. “GOOD MORNING, PONYVILLE!” “Vinyl, do you have to do that every morning?” Vinyl looked up and saw her groggy roommate standing in the doorway. “YES I DO, TAVI! YES. I. DO.” “Could you at least stop shouting?” “Sheesh, fine,” Vinyl scoffed. Stuck-up foo-foo cello player. “Aaanyway, I’m gonna get some breakfast.” She flew out of her room and into the— “Holy cow, we’re in Canterlot!” (...really?) Octavia watched as her friend flew around the castle, higher and higher. “You... also know you have wings now, right?” “REALLY?” Vinyl cranked her head around and saw that she did indeed have wings. “NO WAY!” In this moment of distraction, she stopped flapping. She fell to the floor. She expected it to hurt. It didn’t. “Haha, that was fun!” She flew up again, this time all the way to the (very high) ceiling, and folded her wings up. Gravity took effect, and once again she went SPLAT on the ground. And once again, she was totally unharmed. “That’s so much fun! You gotta try it, Tavi!” “Uh... no thank you. And besides, I don’t... have...” She looked around at her back. “Oh. Never mind. I have wings too.” She put a hoof to her forehead. “...aaand a horn.” Unbelievable, she thought. This is just unbelievable. “Dude, we’re alicorns now!” exclaimed Vinyl. “I’m gonna go do... alicorn stuff.” · · The Doctor had finally started to accept that Derpy and Dinky had grown a horn and wings, respectively. The muffins helped him with that. They were tasty, after all. Full of fat and sugar. Still, he had to wonder what the heck was going on here. And then suddenly— “GOOD MORNING, PONYVILLE!” Is that... “YES I DO, TAVI! YES. I. DO.” Yes, yes it is. The Doctor facehoofed. “It appears Vinyl Scratch and Octavia are here as well.” “Oh good, let’s give them some muffins!” And then they heard Vinyl coming their way. “Time for me to do some alicorn stuff! Say, what do alicorns do, anyway? Well they probably eat. I’ve seen Celestia eat a ton of stuff! And—HEY LOOK A KITCHEN!” Vinyl flew in. “WASSUP, DERPY? WASSUP, DOCTOR? HEY LITTLE DINKSTER, HOW YA DOIN’?” The Doctor plugged his ears. “It’s... nice to see you too, Vinyl.” She’s an alicorn as well. Figures... “Hey are those muffins?” Vinyl grabbed a muffin and ate it. “MUFFIN-TASTIC!” “Thanks!” said Derpy. “Made ’em myself!” “Well you sure know how to bake and—HEY LOOK YOU’RE ALICORNS TOO!” “Thank you for that astute observation,” said the Doctor. He was getting a little tired of Vinyl’s lack of an indoor voice. (Also, as the only non-alicorn he was starting to feel left out.) · · Octavia sat down outside her (new) bedchamber. Great, just great. And when’s Vinyl coming back? “Why hello there.” Octavia jumped at that. She looked around, but didn’t see anyone. “Glad to see somepony didn’t just run off,” said the voice. *POOF* A large figure appeared before her. “Discord!” Octavia leaped back. Her wings instinctively began flapping, and she hovered in the air a good distance from the draconequus. “Oh calm down will you? You’re worse than Derpy!” Tavi landed tentatively. “What do you want?” “I want to introduce you to your new life!” he answered. “So if you could get your friends in here that would be stupendous.” Figuring it was best to do what the draconequus said, Octavia complied. She left for the kitchen, explained the situation, and dragged Vinyl and the others back with her. When she returned Discord was waiting patiently. “There you are! Took you long enough.” “Now what’s going on?” asked the Doctor. “Are you behind all this?” “Well, duuuh!” Discord stuck his tongue out. “Now listen carefully,” he said to the alicorns, “for you’re the new royal family.” “But we’re not even related!” protested Octavia. “I’m Discord, Spirit of Chaos! Do you really think I care about details like that?” “I... guess not.” “Now really, you should try to be more excited about this,” said the semi-reformed draconequus. “For you three are...” “Octavia: Princess of Music!” “Well, I do enjoy me some classical music,” said Octavia sheepishly. “Vinyl Scratch: Princess of Wubs!” “WUB A DUB DUB, MOTHERF$&%ERS!” “Now that’s the spirit!” said Discord. “Vinyl, watch your language around Dinky!” said Derpy. And then Vinyl thought for a moment. “...wait are you saying Wubs aren’t music?” “And finally,” said Discord, ignoring the question, “we have, drum roll please...” Several Discord clones appeared with drumsticks and snares and began doing a drum roll. “Derpy: Queen of Everything, Especially Muffins!” “Who, me?” asked Derpy. “Yes, you!” Discord got on his knees and bowed down. “All hail Queen Derpy!” He then looked up and grinned slyly at the wall-eyed mare. So it wasn’t just a dream. Huh, ya think? · × Chapter 2: Good Morning... Ponyville?!·Chapter 2Good Morning... Ponyville?! · I see you’re sleeping well. Unfortunately, you may not like what you see upon waking. Look alive, my student. Celestia’s eyes opened. “Whah?” She felt like she’d just had an odd dream, but couldn’t really remember it. She got up and stretched. She noticed the intricate patterns the sunlight made as it passed through her window, and the shadows it formed as it hit various objects. Hey, wait a second! (Finally, somepony who notices things in a reasonable time frame.) Oh great, did Sister raise the sun again? I told her that’s my job! She trotted out of her bedroom, and was very surprised with what she saw outside. Why am I in Ponyville? She used her magic to close the door behind her. Or at least, she tried to. Oh no. “DISCOOORRRDD!” With a flash of light, Discord appeared before her. “This better be good,” he said. “I was in the middle of talking to Derpy.” “DISCORD, WHY AM I AN EARTH PONY!!?” “Well,” stated the draconequus, “you don’t have wings or a horn. And that makes you an earth pony, my friend.” “That is NOT what We mean!” “We?” asked Discord. “Tisk, tisk, Celestia. Reverting to that already, I see.” At that moment, Luna walked out through the door Celestia had left open. “Sister, did I just hear you use the Royal Canterlot Voice?” The Moon Princess looked around. “Hey, we’re in Ponyville. How did that happen?” (Oh I don’t know, Luna. Maybe the giant Draconequus standing right in front of you could answer your question.) Celestia looked at her sister, and then back at Discord. “Why is she still an alicorn!?” Discord shrugged and rolled his eyes innocently. “Well, why wouldn’t she be?” “Because I... you... I... she...” She looked right at the him. “I am going to get you for this, Discord. I don’t know how, but I will.” Discord laughed. “Oh, I doubt that very much. And besides, I suggest you spend less time plotting your revenge on me and more time getting acclimated. After all, you’ll need to find...” He leaned in close. “...a job.” He then stood back up. “I mean, assuming you like to eat and whatnot.” Celestia didn’t like the sound of that. She had had a job. The job was called “princess,” and it was the most awesome job in the world. Yes it was a lot of work sometimes, but it was rewarding work. But now, thanks to somedragonequus, that had all changed. “Now if you don’t mind, I have more chaos to cause, so—” he snapped his fingers “—adieu.” He vanished. “Well Sister,” said Luna, “what do we do now?” “You can look for a job if you want,” said the elder (ex-)princess. “I’m going to go find Twilight.” · · Twilight Sparkle slept soundly. She had just had a super-fantastic coronation celebration, and she was looking forward to whatever her new life had in store for her. The purple unicorn was awoken by the sun streaming through her window. She yawned and lazily got herself out of bed. She looked around. She was back in her library home in Ponyville, and... had no wings. What? She was a little confused. Was it... was it all just a dream? At that moment, the door burst open. Celestia charged in. “Twilight! Thank the Fausticorn you’re here!” Twilight was confused. Several questions ran through her head. 1. Why is Celestia panicking? 2. What the heck is a Fausticorn? 3. OH DEAR FAUSTICORN WHAT’S HAPPENED TO HER? “Princess Celestia! What’s going on?” “Discord!” That name alone was enough. Oh no. Now Twilight was worried too. (But at least her questions were answered!) “I thought he was reformed!” she exclaimed. “Apparently he isn’t!” replied Celestia. “He changed you back into a unicorn and he made me—” the princess shuddered “—an earth pony.” (Dun dun dun!) “So... the coronation wasn’t just a dream?” “What? NO! Why would you think that?” Twilight shrugged. “Because... no wings?” Twilight had a good point. She had woken up in Ponyville as a plain unicorn—it was as if her ascension had never happened. All that hard work... gone? Celestia decided she’d had enough of this. “Twilight, we must get the Elements of Harmony and vanquish Discord once more.” Twilight nodded and retrieved the Elements from their case. “Okay!” she said. “Let’s fix this.” The two of them hunted down Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Rarity. All they had to do now was find Fluttershy. Unfortunately, Fluttershy was nowhere to be found. Her cottage? Nope. Sugarcube Corner? Nnnope. Town Hall? Yeahhhh...nope. “Consarn it!” said Applejack, who like the others had joined the in Fluttersearch. “Where is she?” Meanwhile, in the Royal Canterlot Garden: “Oh look at these beautiful trees! And the loons and toucans and bitterns! And hummingbirds that really hum! And buzzards that really buzz! And the squirrels, and the butterflies, and the bunnies! And they all love me!” Yeah, Fluttershy was not coming back anytime soon. The group needed to think up a plan, and quickly. · · “Afternoon, ma’am... yes, we can do overnight shipping.” “NEXT!” “No, I’m afraid we don’t sell those stamps anymore, those were more of a commemoration thing. Thank you, have a good day.” “NEXT!” Princess Luna walked up to the counter. “Hello,” she said to the mare on the other side. “I’m looking for employment. Are you hiring currently?” “Huh... ya know, I’m not really the one who handles that sort of thing. I’ll hand you over to Reg.” She turned behind the counter. “REG! We got a job applicant!” A stocky pegasus stallion came up to the counter. “So,” he said, “yer lookin’ for a job?” Luna nodded. “Well yer in luck,” said Reg. “One of our veteran mailmares left a while ago, so we have an opening.” Reg took out a clipboard. “So, what’s yer name?” Luna cocked her head. The gears within turned silently. “I am Princess Luna.” “A princess, huh?” He looked at Luna’s horn and wings. “Well, if you say so.” He handed her the clipboard and a pen. “Well princess, get this filled out and then we can talk.” Luna dutifully filled out the paper. Name: Princess Luna Birthdate: 21 May, 213 BC Residence: Some random cottage, Ponyville Contact: Just shout, I’ll hear you Education: Tutelage under Star Swirl the Bearded (205 BC – 196 BC) Canterlot University, B.S. Psychology (192 BC) Manehattan College of Business, M.B.A. (186 BC) Job History: Co-sovereign of Equestria: 0-35, 1035-1038 Supervillain, Astronaut: 35-1035 Reg took the paper and looked it over. Is this some kind of a joke? “Uh... let’s just see how good you are at this.” He handed her a pair of saddlebags. “These are some fliers we pass out to everypony this time of year. They’re individually addressed, so don’t mix them up.” Reg felt oh-so-clever. He wanted to test the new applicant to see if she could actually do the job, but at the same time he didn’t want to risk losing anything important. The fliers were perfect for that, since they were individually addressed but all said the same thing. “No go on, princess,” said Reg. “Let’s see what you can do.” Luna nodded, her horn glowed, and with a flash of light she disappeared right before his eyes. · × Chapter 3: Luna vs. The Mail·Chapter 3Luna vs. The Mail · Princess(?) Luna reappeared in front of town hall. And now, to sort these things out. She opened one of the saddlebags and snagged a few fliers. The first thing she noticed was what they said. Everypony RememberMarch 1 is Derpy Day!Please Consume Muffins Responsibly Below that was a picture of Derpy. She was in a fancy dress and there were muffins in the background. Derpy Day? Really? Luna sighed, wondering what sorts of other holidays Discord may have created—and then she did a double take. What the?! In the picture, Derpy had a horn. Discord made her an alicorn? Those gears in Luna’s head turned a little more. I’ll deal with this later. Right now I have a job to do. So she put her Derpy speculations on the backburner and focused on the task at hand. Okay, now where to start? Luna checked out the addresses on the filers. 101 Main St, 103 Main St, 104 Main St... seems simple enough. She looked around. Wait... where is Main Street? It was then that she realized Ponyville had no well-laid-out streets. The houses were just arranged in a hodge-podge fashion. She took out a few more fliers, and looked at their addresses as well. This one says Main St, these few are for ManeSt, here are some for Baltimare Rd, and some for Baltimare Blvd... She looked through a few others. 302 Pony St. Oh, nice. Real original. Let’s see what other gems we can find... 206 Pony Lane. 309 Pony Ave. 84 Pony Court. Seriously! Who planned this city? (The Apple Family, that’s who! Someone should ask Granny Smith what the hay her parents were thinking.) Luna began to wonder how anypony could actually deliver the mail on time. But regardless, she put the fliers back in the saddlebag and decided to give it her best shot. She soon realized that she was on Main Street, as it ran right through the center of Ponyville. She traced the road across town, delivering fliers as she went. This was not an easy task, as the road swerved every which way with no rhyme or reason, but in the end she got it all done. She breathed a sigh of relief... and then went to find all the other streets. The process as a whole was a total pain. She did it, though. She managed to find every single house and deliver to it the appropriate flier. Except for one. 42 Canterlot Court. Where the hay is 42 Canterlot Court? She hadn’t seen anything close to that address before. In fact, she didn’t remember any of the other fliers being addressed to Canterlot Court at all. She was mulling this over when a realization struck her. Working on a hunch alone, she leapt into the air and flew halfway across town. She landed next to the cottage she and Celestia walked out of that morning. She checked a nearby street sign, which told her their cottage was indeed on Canterlot Court. (In fact, it was the only cottage on Canterlot Court.) She checked their mailbox—it did indeed say 42. “Aha!” After delivering the flier to herself, she took to the skies. Her job was done. · · Back at the Ponyville Post, Reg sighed. “Welp, best address some more fliers.” He’d written the earlier set off as a loss. At this point he was simply glad to have gotten the strange alicorn out of his hair. True, they were looking for a new mailmare, but Luna was just a bit odd for his tastes—and he doubted she could actually do what she said. “REG! She’s back!” Huh? Reg walked up to the front of the post office. And there, standing before him, was Princess Luna. Her saddlebags were empty. Reg was skeptical. “You got them all?” Luna nodded. “Yes, sir. Also, I can give you my address for that form now.” Reg gave her a funny look. “I, er, just moved into town,” explained Luna sheepishly. “I’m still getting used to everything... including where I live.” “Well you know, we really need our mailmares to be familiar with the area.” He walked over to a counter and retrieved Luna’s application form. “So it’s not normal to hire someone who just moved here.” “Also, this—” he handed her the form “—is just downright bizarre. Supervillian? Astronaut? What’s that even supposed to mean?” “Well... it’s a long story.” Luna replaced ‘Some random cottage’ with ‘42 Canterlot Court’ and handed the form back to the pegasus. “I’d rather not go into it right now.” “Normally I wouldn’t do this,” said Reg. “This is probably the strangest application I’ve ever seen. But you did deliver those fliers in a reasonable time, and we do need somepony to replace our old mailmare, so consider yourself hired.” Yes, I have a job! Luna was elated. And then those gears in her head turned once more. Something was off. “Wait... your old mailmare?” “Yes, ma’am!” said Reg. “We had a single mailmare who was pretty much holding our operations together by herself. She left very recently, and now we’re not sure if we can reliably make our rounds on time.” “Huh.” The gears in Luna’s head clicked, whirred, and spun freely. Her whole mind upshifted, and the world around her stopped as she turned her consciousness inwards. Time to unravel this thread. · · · “Greetings everypony!” Within the confines of her mind, Princess Luna sat before a congregation of... well, other Lunas. “This Lunar Meeting is hereby called to order!” The others nodded affirmatively. “We will begin by taking roll.” A scroll materialized in front of Princess Luna. “Gamer Luna?” “Here!” “Emo Luna?” “Yeah, whatever.” “Trolluna?” “Not here!” “Well I’ll just have to mark you abs—” Oh wait, duh. Trolluna giggled. Princess Luna facehoofed. “Anyway!” she continued. “Temporally maladjusted Luna?” “We are present!” “Woona?” “Heeaww!” A small Luna filly jumped up and down, waving her forehooves. One by one, the various facets of Luna’s personality chimed in as Princess Luna went down the list. “And that’s everypony,” she proclaimed at the end. “Good, we’re all here.” “Well, except for—” “We’re all here.” “But—” “ALL. HERE. Now please have a seat, Pedantic Luna.” “Awww.” Pedantic Luna reluctantly sat down. “Anyway,” said Princess Luna, “I think we’ve all noticed some strange... inconsistencies in this world Discord has created.” A few of the Lunas nodded. Some of them looked confused. “Consider this,” said Princess Luna to the confused-looking ones. “First off, it appears almost nopony recognizes us anymore. True, we’re usually overshadowed by Sister, but Reg should still have acknowledged that we look familiar. At the very least, he could have noted our resemblance to Celestia, but he didn’t.” “In addition!” Princess Luna looked around to make sure the others were listening. “We saw those fliers commemorating Derpy Day. This all suggests that Discord made Derpy the ruler of Equestria, and that nopony—save for a few, such as Sister and us—remembers things ever being any different.” The other Lunas murmured among themselves. “And that’s by far the most likely scenario,” Princess Luna appended. “After all, a change of power by conventional means would never go over so quietly.” The others continued their murmuring, with some of them nodding in agreement. “However!” Princess Luna exclaimed, startling the group. “There are also some events which contradict that scenario. Reg stated several times that one of Ponyville Post’s mailmares left recently. This is likely Derpy! But, he conspicuously avoided mentioning her by name.” “Well, maybe he just doesn’t remember her name? It happens, you know.” “Thank you, Skeptical Luna. But consider this: Reg said that all of the post’s operations were essentially held together by that single hypercompetent mailmare. Why wouldn’t he remember the name of somepony so important?” “Because Discord made him forget?” “Possibly, but I don’t think it’s that simple. It looks more like Discord has altered our world en toto.” “I still don’t get it. We pretty much knew that already, so what’s the big deal?” “Oh, don’t you see Skeptical Luna? There shouldn’t be evidence of Mailmare Derpy in any form! And yet there is! And consequently, Reg now has inconsistent memories!” Luna looked around at the group. “I’d say it looks like our friend Discord... has gotten sloppy.” “So!” she clapped her forehooves together, addressing the group once more. “What do you think we should do?” “We should examine the situation further.” “Excellent suggestion, Science Woona!” “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I fear that if we search for inconsistencies we may well unravel the world as we know—” “Thank you for your input again, Pedantic Luna, but a decision has been made!” · · · Luna came back to reality. Hardly a second had passed. “Thank you,” she said to Reg. “Although if I may ask, what was the name of this mailmare you held in such high regard?” “Well her name was... uh...” Reg gave her a puzzled look. “That’s weird, I don’t seem to remember...” Sloppy, Discord. Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy. “Don’t worry about it, then,” said Luna. “It’s not that important.” She smiled. “Although if you’re having trouble doing business without her, I might be able to help get the Post back in shape...” · ×
Prologue·Prologue · Derpy strolled down the road. It was covered in Autumn leaves. Herp-a-derp, derp-a-herp, herp-a-derpidy-derp-a-derp. It was her favorite time of day. Derp-a-derp, herp-a-herp, derpidy-herpidy-derp-a-derp. Actually, she had no clue what time of day it was. Herp-a-huh? And she had no clue whether it was really Autumn. Or where she was. Or how she got there. What in the world— And then she saw him. Discord! Why hadn’t she noticed him before? Discord is pretty big after all. “Why hello there!” he said, drumming his fingers together. Derpy looked at him with a cross-eyed expression. Uh-oh, she thought. This could be trouble. She’d heard Discord had (supposedly) been reformed, but well... this is Discord we’re talking about here. She had her doubts. “Say, aren’t you tired of the way things are going for you?” asked the draconequus. “Oh not really,” replied Derpy. “I’m managing okay.” “But come on now, don’t you miss your days in the limelight?” “Uh... no?” Derpy was puzzled by that question. Limelight? I don’t know what he’s talking about! And what’s he trying to pull? Discord laughed. “You know, you pretty much stole the show at Twilight’s coronation. And you don’t even know it, that’s what’s so funny!” Now Derpy was really confused. “Yeah, I went to the coronation,” she said, “but everypony was invited. Me going was no big deal.” Discord shook his head. “You really have no idea, do you?” He then leaned in. “But that’s only a taste of what I can give you!” “Uh... I don’t really think—” “Come now, my wall-eyed friend—don’t you wish you were more popular? More powerful?” Derpy shook her head. Discord scowled. “You really need to aim higher in life.” “Oh, I’m happy as I am,” countered Derpy. “I have a loving family, and that’s all I need.” This was really making Derpy uncomfortable. She turned around to leave, but Discord slinked around her. (’Cuz Discord has no sense of personal space.) “But don’t you want more than that?” he asked. “N-no. And I should really get—” “I can give you strength. I can give you power. I can make the world revolve around you.” He drew himself back and stood up. “Both literally and figuratively!” he proclaimed. “Wouldn’t that be fun?” Surprisingly, Discord actually sounded sincere. Derpy didn’t trust him for an instant, though. She shook her head. “No. And if you don’t mind, I really need to get going, so—” She turned and ran. Discord vanished and reappeared in front of her. “Oh you just don’t know what’s good for you!” He said, frustrated. An aura formed around him. “Now let me show you a world where you have power. Let me make this world... your world.” Derpy looked at him wide-eyed. “I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the result!” Discord proclaimed. A blinding flash of light came from the draconequus, and everything around Derpy went white. That was the last thing she remembered. · ×
Chapter 1: Good Morning, Muffin Empire!·Chapter 1Good Morning, Muffin Empire! · Doctor Whooves slept. *SFFFNKKKKKKAAAHHH* He was snoring rather loudly. And then he was shaken rather violently. “TIMEY WAKE UP!” ‘Timey,’ as his wife liked to call him, woke up. He looked around, startled. “What is it, dear?” Derpy was hyperventilating. “I... I just had the weirdest dream...” Poor Derpy, thought the Doctor. It must’ve been a terrifying nightmare. “You want me to light the lamp?” he asked. “Sure,” replied Derpy. She could use some illumination—it might help bring her back to reality. The Doctor fumbled around for the oil lamp but couldn’t find it. “Oh, let me help,” said Derpy. She cast an illumination spell, which lit the room dimly. “Oh there it is,” said the Doctor. He had found the lamp, but unfortunately it was out of reach. “I’ll get it.” Derpy picked up the lamp with her magic and brought it over. She cast an ignition spell and the oil caught fire, which lit the room much more brightly than her illumination spell had. “Thanks Derpy, I—” And then he stopped. “HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!” Derpy looked at her husband, puzzled. The Doctor looked around. “This isn’t our house!” Derpy looked around as well. Indeed it wasn’t. “My, this is certainly strange,” said the Doctor. “Where on earth are we, and how did we wind up here?” “I dunno.” “Well maybe you can—” And he stopped again. “DEAR SWEET CELESTIA HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THAT!?!!?” “Notice what?” “You have a horn, Derpy!” “I do?” “Yes!” “Really?” The Doctor sighed. He loved Derpy, he really did, but sometimes she was a bit slow to pick up on things. “You used magic three times when you got that lamp. How did you not notice?” Derpy gave one of her famous derp faces and shrugged. The Doctor shook his head. “This is all just too weird.” The two of them got up and exited the unfamiliar room. They looked around. It was still mostly dark outside, but they could make out their surroundings from the pre-dawn light. “What the...” the Doctor was stunned. “We’re in the Canterlot castle!” “Woohoo!” said Derpy. She flew off down one of the corridors. “Where are you going?” “To the royal kitchen!” The Doctor chased after her. “Why??” “To make some muffins!” And so Derpy made muffins as the sun came up, and she and the Doctor had a delicious breakfast. “WHEEEEE!!!” A small alicorn filly buzzed into the room. They both looked up in shock at the sight before them. “Dinky?” “Hi Mom! Hi Dad!” Dinky swooped down and snagged a muffin. “You make the best muffins Mom!” The Doctor looked at his wife and daughter. “You’re both... you’re both...” He sighed. “Well, this day is bound to be interesting.” · · 06:59 - All was dark. All was quiet, too, save for an off-white unicorn mare snoring. 07:00 - And then the mare’s alarm went off. The floor shook, and wubs filled the room. “GOOD MORNING, PONYVILLE!” “Vinyl, do you have to do that every morning?” Vinyl looked up and saw her groggy roommate standing in the doorway. “YES I DO, TAVI! YES. I. DO.” “Could you at least stop shouting?” “Sheesh, fine,” Vinyl scoffed. Stuck-up foo-foo cello player. “Aaanyway, I’m gonna get some breakfast.” She flew out of her room and into the— “Holy cow, we’re in Canterlot!” (...really?) Octavia watched as her friend flew around the castle, higher and higher. “You... also know you have wings now, right?” “REALLY?” Vinyl cranked her head around and saw that she did indeed have wings. “NO WAY!” In this moment of distraction, she stopped flapping. She fell to the floor. She expected it to hurt. It didn’t. “Haha, that was fun!” She flew up again, this time all the way to the (very high) ceiling, and folded her wings up. Gravity took effect, and once again she went SPLAT on the ground. And once again, she was totally unharmed. “That’s so much fun! You gotta try it, Tavi!” “Uh... no thank you. And besides, I don’t... have...” She looked around at her back. “Oh. Never mind. I have wings too.” She put a hoof to her forehead. “...aaand a horn.” Unbelievable, she thought. This is just unbelievable. “Dude, we’re alicorns now!” exclaimed Vinyl. “I’m gonna go do... alicorn stuff.” · · The Doctor had finally started to accept that Derpy and Dinky had grown a horn and wings, respectively. The muffins helped him with that. They were tasty, after all. Full of fat and sugar. Still, he had to wonder what the heck was going on here. And then suddenly— “GOOD MORNING, PONYVILLE!” Is that... “YES I DO, TAVI! YES. I. DO.” Yes, yes it is. The Doctor facehoofed. “It appears Vinyl Scratch and Octavia are here as well.” “Oh good, let’s give them some muffins!” And then they heard Vinyl coming their way. “Time for me to do some alicorn stuff! Say, what do alicorns do, anyway? Well they probably eat. I’ve seen Celestia eat a ton of stuff! And—HEY LOOK A KITCHEN!” Vinyl flew in. “WASSUP, DERPY? WASSUP, DOCTOR? HEY LITTLE DINKSTER, HOW YA DOIN’?” The Doctor plugged his ears. “It’s... nice to see you too, Vinyl.” She’s an alicorn as well. Figures... “Hey are those muffins?” Vinyl grabbed a muffin and ate it. “MUFFIN-TASTIC!” “Thanks!” said Derpy. “Made ’em myself!” “Well you sure know how to bake and—HEY LOOK YOU’RE ALICORNS TOO!” “Thank you for that astute observation,” said the Doctor. He was getting a little tired of Vinyl’s lack of an indoor voice. (Also, as the only non-alicorn he was starting to feel left out.) · · Octavia sat down outside her (new) bedchamber. Great, just great. And when’s Vinyl coming back? “Why hello there.” Octavia jumped at that. She looked around, but didn’t see anyone. “Glad to see somepony didn’t just run off,” said the voice. *POOF* A large figure appeared before her. “Discord!” Octavia leaped back. Her wings instinctively began flapping, and she hovered in the air a good distance from the draconequus. “Oh calm down will you? You’re worse than Derpy!” Tavi landed tentatively. “What do you want?” “I want to introduce you to your new life!” he answered. “So if you could get your friends in here that would be stupendous.” Figuring it was best to do what the draconequus said, Octavia complied. She left for the kitchen, explained the situation, and dragged Vinyl and the others back with her. When she returned Discord was waiting patiently. “There you are! Took you long enough.” “Now what’s going on?” asked the Doctor. “Are you behind all this?” “Well, duuuh!” Discord stuck his tongue out. “Now listen carefully,” he said to the alicorns, “for you’re the new royal family.” “But we’re not even related!” protested Octavia. “I’m Discord, Spirit of Chaos! Do you really think I care about details like that?” “I... guess not.” “Now really, you should try to be more excited about this,” said the semi-reformed draconequus. “For you three are...” “Octavia: Princess of Music!” “Well, I do enjoy me some classical music,” said Octavia sheepishly. “Vinyl Scratch: Princess of Wubs!” “WUB A DUB DUB, MOTHERF$&%ERS!” “Now that’s the spirit!” said Discord. “Vinyl, watch your language around Dinky!” said Derpy. And then Vinyl thought for a moment. “...wait are you saying Wubs aren’t music?” “And finally,” said Discord, ignoring the question, “we have, drum roll please...” Several Discord clones appeared with drumsticks and snares and began doing a drum roll. “Derpy: Queen of Everything, Especially Muffins!” “Who, me?” asked Derpy. “Yes, you!” Discord got on his knees and bowed down. “All hail Queen Derpy!” He then looked up and grinned slyly at the wall-eyed mare. So it wasn’t just a dream. Huh, ya think? · ×
Chapter 2: Good Morning... Ponyville?!·Chapter 2Good Morning... Ponyville?! · I see you’re sleeping well. Unfortunately, you may not like what you see upon waking. Look alive, my student. Celestia’s eyes opened. “Whah?” She felt like she’d just had an odd dream, but couldn’t really remember it. She got up and stretched. She noticed the intricate patterns the sunlight made as it passed through her window, and the shadows it formed as it hit various objects. Hey, wait a second! (Finally, somepony who notices things in a reasonable time frame.) Oh great, did Sister raise the sun again? I told her that’s my job! She trotted out of her bedroom, and was very surprised with what she saw outside. Why am I in Ponyville? She used her magic to close the door behind her. Or at least, she tried to. Oh no. “DISCOOORRRDD!” With a flash of light, Discord appeared before her. “This better be good,” he said. “I was in the middle of talking to Derpy.” “DISCORD, WHY AM I AN EARTH PONY!!?” “Well,” stated the draconequus, “you don’t have wings or a horn. And that makes you an earth pony, my friend.” “That is NOT what We mean!” “We?” asked Discord. “Tisk, tisk, Celestia. Reverting to that already, I see.” At that moment, Luna walked out through the door Celestia had left open. “Sister, did I just hear you use the Royal Canterlot Voice?” The Moon Princess looked around. “Hey, we’re in Ponyville. How did that happen?” (Oh I don’t know, Luna. Maybe the giant Draconequus standing right in front of you could answer your question.) Celestia looked at her sister, and then back at Discord. “Why is she still an alicorn!?” Discord shrugged and rolled his eyes innocently. “Well, why wouldn’t she be?” “Because I... you... I... she...” She looked right at the him. “I am going to get you for this, Discord. I don’t know how, but I will.” Discord laughed. “Oh, I doubt that very much. And besides, I suggest you spend less time plotting your revenge on me and more time getting acclimated. After all, you’ll need to find...” He leaned in close. “...a job.” He then stood back up. “I mean, assuming you like to eat and whatnot.” Celestia didn’t like the sound of that. She had had a job. The job was called “princess,” and it was the most awesome job in the world. Yes it was a lot of work sometimes, but it was rewarding work. But now, thanks to somedragonequus, that had all changed. “Now if you don’t mind, I have more chaos to cause, so—” he snapped his fingers “—adieu.” He vanished. “Well Sister,” said Luna, “what do we do now?” “You can look for a job if you want,” said the elder (ex-)princess. “I’m going to go find Twilight.” · · Twilight Sparkle slept soundly. She had just had a super-fantastic coronation celebration, and she was looking forward to whatever her new life had in store for her. The purple unicorn was awoken by the sun streaming through her window. She yawned and lazily got herself out of bed. She looked around. She was back in her library home in Ponyville, and... had no wings. What? She was a little confused. Was it... was it all just a dream? At that moment, the door burst open. Celestia charged in. “Twilight! Thank the Fausticorn you’re here!” Twilight was confused. Several questions ran through her head. 1. Why is Celestia panicking? 2. What the heck is a Fausticorn? 3. OH DEAR FAUSTICORN WHAT’S HAPPENED TO HER? “Princess Celestia! What’s going on?” “Discord!” That name alone was enough. Oh no. Now Twilight was worried too. (But at least her questions were answered!) “I thought he was reformed!” she exclaimed. “Apparently he isn’t!” replied Celestia. “He changed you back into a unicorn and he made me—” the princess shuddered “—an earth pony.” (Dun dun dun!) “So... the coronation wasn’t just a dream?” “What? NO! Why would you think that?” Twilight shrugged. “Because... no wings?” Twilight had a good point. She had woken up in Ponyville as a plain unicorn—it was as if her ascension had never happened. All that hard work... gone? Celestia decided she’d had enough of this. “Twilight, we must get the Elements of Harmony and vanquish Discord once more.” Twilight nodded and retrieved the Elements from their case. “Okay!” she said. “Let’s fix this.” The two of them hunted down Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Rarity. All they had to do now was find Fluttershy. Unfortunately, Fluttershy was nowhere to be found. Her cottage? Nope. Sugarcube Corner? Nnnope. Town Hall? Yeahhhh...nope. “Consarn it!” said Applejack, who like the others had joined the in Fluttersearch. “Where is she?” Meanwhile, in the Royal Canterlot Garden: “Oh look at these beautiful trees! And the loons and toucans and bitterns! And hummingbirds that really hum! And buzzards that really buzz! And the squirrels, and the butterflies, and the bunnies! And they all love me!” Yeah, Fluttershy was not coming back anytime soon. The group needed to think up a plan, and quickly. · · “Afternoon, ma’am... yes, we can do overnight shipping.” “NEXT!” “No, I’m afraid we don’t sell those stamps anymore, those were more of a commemoration thing. Thank you, have a good day.” “NEXT!” Princess Luna walked up to the counter. “Hello,” she said to the mare on the other side. “I’m looking for employment. Are you hiring currently?” “Huh... ya know, I’m not really the one who handles that sort of thing. I’ll hand you over to Reg.” She turned behind the counter. “REG! We got a job applicant!” A stocky pegasus stallion came up to the counter. “So,” he said, “yer lookin’ for a job?” Luna nodded. “Well yer in luck,” said Reg. “One of our veteran mailmares left a while ago, so we have an opening.” Reg took out a clipboard. “So, what’s yer name?” Luna cocked her head. The gears within turned silently. “I am Princess Luna.” “A princess, huh?” He looked at Luna’s horn and wings. “Well, if you say so.” He handed her the clipboard and a pen. “Well princess, get this filled out and then we can talk.” Luna dutifully filled out the paper. Name: Princess Luna Birthdate: 21 May, 213 BC Residence: Some random cottage, Ponyville Contact: Just shout, I’ll hear you Education: Tutelage under Star Swirl the Bearded (205 BC – 196 BC) Canterlot University, B.S. Psychology (192 BC) Manehattan College of Business, M.B.A. (186 BC) Job History: Co-sovereign of Equestria: 0-35, 1035-1038 Supervillain, Astronaut: 35-1035 Reg took the paper and looked it over. Is this some kind of a joke? “Uh... let’s just see how good you are at this.” He handed her a pair of saddlebags. “These are some fliers we pass out to everypony this time of year. They’re individually addressed, so don’t mix them up.” Reg felt oh-so-clever. He wanted to test the new applicant to see if she could actually do the job, but at the same time he didn’t want to risk losing anything important. The fliers were perfect for that, since they were individually addressed but all said the same thing. “No go on, princess,” said Reg. “Let’s see what you can do.” Luna nodded, her horn glowed, and with a flash of light she disappeared right before his eyes. · ×
Chapter 3: Luna vs. The Mail·Chapter 3Luna vs. The Mail · Princess(?) Luna reappeared in front of town hall. And now, to sort these things out. She opened one of the saddlebags and snagged a few fliers. The first thing she noticed was what they said. Everypony RememberMarch 1 is Derpy Day!Please Consume Muffins Responsibly Below that was a picture of Derpy. She was in a fancy dress and there were muffins in the background. Derpy Day? Really? Luna sighed, wondering what sorts of other holidays Discord may have created—and then she did a double take. What the?! In the picture, Derpy had a horn. Discord made her an alicorn? Those gears in Luna’s head turned a little more. I’ll deal with this later. Right now I have a job to do. So she put her Derpy speculations on the backburner and focused on the task at hand. Okay, now where to start? Luna checked out the addresses on the filers. 101 Main St, 103 Main St, 104 Main St... seems simple enough. She looked around. Wait... where is Main Street? It was then that she realized Ponyville had no well-laid-out streets. The houses were just arranged in a hodge-podge fashion. She took out a few more fliers, and looked at their addresses as well. This one says Main St, these few are for ManeSt, here are some for Baltimare Rd, and some for Baltimare Blvd... She looked through a few others. 302 Pony St. Oh, nice. Real original. Let’s see what other gems we can find... 206 Pony Lane. 309 Pony Ave. 84 Pony Court. Seriously! Who planned this city? (The Apple Family, that’s who! Someone should ask Granny Smith what the hay her parents were thinking.) Luna began to wonder how anypony could actually deliver the mail on time. But regardless, she put the fliers back in the saddlebag and decided to give it her best shot. She soon realized that she was on Main Street, as it ran right through the center of Ponyville. She traced the road across town, delivering fliers as she went. This was not an easy task, as the road swerved every which way with no rhyme or reason, but in the end she got it all done. She breathed a sigh of relief... and then went to find all the other streets. The process as a whole was a total pain. She did it, though. She managed to find every single house and deliver to it the appropriate flier. Except for one. 42 Canterlot Court. Where the hay is 42 Canterlot Court? She hadn’t seen anything close to that address before. In fact, she didn’t remember any of the other fliers being addressed to Canterlot Court at all. She was mulling this over when a realization struck her. Working on a hunch alone, she leapt into the air and flew halfway across town. She landed next to the cottage she and Celestia walked out of that morning. She checked a nearby street sign, which told her their cottage was indeed on Canterlot Court. (In fact, it was the only cottage on Canterlot Court.) She checked their mailbox—it did indeed say 42. “Aha!” After delivering the flier to herself, she took to the skies. Her job was done. · · Back at the Ponyville Post, Reg sighed. “Welp, best address some more fliers.” He’d written the earlier set off as a loss. At this point he was simply glad to have gotten the strange alicorn out of his hair. True, they were looking for a new mailmare, but Luna was just a bit odd for his tastes—and he doubted she could actually do what she said. “REG! She’s back!” Huh? Reg walked up to the front of the post office. And there, standing before him, was Princess Luna. Her saddlebags were empty. Reg was skeptical. “You got them all?” Luna nodded. “Yes, sir. Also, I can give you my address for that form now.” Reg gave her a funny look. “I, er, just moved into town,” explained Luna sheepishly. “I’m still getting used to everything... including where I live.” “Well you know, we really need our mailmares to be familiar with the area.” He walked over to a counter and retrieved Luna’s application form. “So it’s not normal to hire someone who just moved here.” “Also, this—” he handed her the form “—is just downright bizarre. Supervillian? Astronaut? What’s that even supposed to mean?” “Well... it’s a long story.” Luna replaced ‘Some random cottage’ with ‘42 Canterlot Court’ and handed the form back to the pegasus. “I’d rather not go into it right now.” “Normally I wouldn’t do this,” said Reg. “This is probably the strangest application I’ve ever seen. But you did deliver those fliers in a reasonable time, and we do need somepony to replace our old mailmare, so consider yourself hired.” Yes, I have a job! Luna was elated. And then those gears in her head turned once more. Something was off. “Wait... your old mailmare?” “Yes, ma’am!” said Reg. “We had a single mailmare who was pretty much holding our operations together by herself. She left very recently, and now we’re not sure if we can reliably make our rounds on time.” “Huh.” The gears in Luna’s head clicked, whirred, and spun freely. Her whole mind upshifted, and the world around her stopped as she turned her consciousness inwards. Time to unravel this thread. · · · “Greetings everypony!” Within the confines of her mind, Princess Luna sat before a congregation of... well, other Lunas. “This Lunar Meeting is hereby called to order!” The others nodded affirmatively. “We will begin by taking roll.” A scroll materialized in front of Princess Luna. “Gamer Luna?” “Here!” “Emo Luna?” “Yeah, whatever.” “Trolluna?” “Not here!” “Well I’ll just have to mark you abs—” Oh wait, duh. Trolluna giggled. Princess Luna facehoofed. “Anyway!” she continued. “Temporally maladjusted Luna?” “We are present!” “Woona?” “Heeaww!” A small Luna filly jumped up and down, waving her forehooves. One by one, the various facets of Luna’s personality chimed in as Princess Luna went down the list. “And that’s everypony,” she proclaimed at the end. “Good, we’re all here.” “Well, except for—” “We’re all here.” “But—” “ALL. HERE. Now please have a seat, Pedantic Luna.” “Awww.” Pedantic Luna reluctantly sat down. “Anyway,” said Princess Luna, “I think we’ve all noticed some strange... inconsistencies in this world Discord has created.” A few of the Lunas nodded. Some of them looked confused. “Consider this,” said Princess Luna to the confused-looking ones. “First off, it appears almost nopony recognizes us anymore. True, we’re usually overshadowed by Sister, but Reg should still have acknowledged that we look familiar. At the very least, he could have noted our resemblance to Celestia, but he didn’t.” “In addition!” Princess Luna looked around to make sure the others were listening. “We saw those fliers commemorating Derpy Day. This all suggests that Discord made Derpy the ruler of Equestria, and that nopony—save for a few, such as Sister and us—remembers things ever being any different.” The other Lunas murmured among themselves. “And that’s by far the most likely scenario,” Princess Luna appended. “After all, a change of power by conventional means would never go over so quietly.” The others continued their murmuring, with some of them nodding in agreement. “However!” Princess Luna exclaimed, startling the group. “There are also some events which contradict that scenario. Reg stated several times that one of Ponyville Post’s mailmares left recently. This is likely Derpy! But, he conspicuously avoided mentioning her by name.” “Well, maybe he just doesn’t remember her name? It happens, you know.” “Thank you, Skeptical Luna. But consider this: Reg said that all of the post’s operations were essentially held together by that single hypercompetent mailmare. Why wouldn’t he remember the name of somepony so important?” “Because Discord made him forget?” “Possibly, but I don’t think it’s that simple. It looks more like Discord has altered our world en toto.” “I still don’t get it. We pretty much knew that already, so what’s the big deal?” “Oh, don’t you see Skeptical Luna? There shouldn’t be evidence of Mailmare Derpy in any form! And yet there is! And consequently, Reg now has inconsistent memories!” Luna looked around at the group. “I’d say it looks like our friend Discord... has gotten sloppy.” “So!” she clapped her forehooves together, addressing the group once more. “What do you think we should do?” “We should examine the situation further.” “Excellent suggestion, Science Woona!” “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I fear that if we search for inconsistencies we may well unravel the world as we know—” “Thank you for your input again, Pedantic Luna, but a decision has been made!” · · · Luna came back to reality. Hardly a second had passed. “Thank you,” she said to Reg. “Although if I may ask, what was the name of this mailmare you held in such high regard?” “Well her name was... uh...” Reg gave her a puzzled look. “That’s weird, I don’t seem to remember...” Sloppy, Discord. Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy. “Don’t worry about it, then,” said Luna. “It’s not that important.” She smiled. “Although if you’re having trouble doing business without her, I might be able to help get the Post back in shape...” · ×
