derp if i know

by maelstrom21

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Human
Length: 5731

my little dashie but with derpy where derpy somehow ends up in a guy named george's mailbox. george takes on the role of taking care of derpy but derpy isn't making it easy.

a guy named george lives in an average sized town, has a decent job, but has always wanted more in life. he never new what he was searching for, so he was never able to find it. but one day he happend to come across a derpy little gray pony in his mailbox.

Dont think of it as my little dashie copy. the story and my little dashie are going to play out differently. for example: He does not find her in a cardboard box, but his mailbox. The story will be based upon the characteristics of Derpy and hopefuly George.

Ignore that doctor whooves tag for now. Thats for later on. WAY later on.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-12 06:03:01 UTC

what i find in the mail box

My name is George. Im twenty six years of age. I live in a medium sized town in the open areas of california. I have a decent job working for a gaming company. Enough money made to afford the house and other applications. I live alone. My whole life, i have been looking for a perfect something. I dont know what that something could be. but i know that it's there. Somewhere.

I live a pretty boring life if you ask me. My friends say that i just need to get out more and meet new people. Which is a bit of a problem because i cant... im not... im kind of shy. The longest conversations ive ever had with somebody were with my father. When he died, it only made things worse. I havn't been in a relationship for a few years. Just because im shy doesn't mean i like being alone.

Today was an average day. Sunny and windy.Tthats what most days were like. I would drive to work in my camry and stay at work for about eight hours. Then come home and watch tv or go online. The good thing about being a game designer is that i get first copy of any new game that comes out.

Today, they were doing construction work on my normal route to work. So i took the detour they pointed towards on there sign the guy was holding up. I was just driving down the road when, i was crossing an intersection, my light was green. and suddenly BOOM! I had been hit by a truck that was zooming down the road at a super fast speed. I hit my head on the stiring wheel and my vision blurs. My car's back tires slide across the pavement and the car turns sideways to the direction. Though i am turned, i still have momentum forcing my car to roll across the road a few times. I keep hitting my head until my car stops on its side. Barely able to see, I move my hand from gripping my seat to push the button that roll aside the sun roof window.Ii climb my way out of the vehicle and on to the road. no other cars were around to see the event, and the truck had just kept speeding down the road. My car got destroyed and my phone with it so i couldn't call statefarm. I tried singing the jingle but that didnt work.

Perfect! Now i have to walk all the way back home to call my insurance.

I get home and as i walk up my driveway, i hear a faint wimpering cry. Where is it coming from? I take a moment to stop and look around but i see nothing. But the sound is still there. I am now following my ears to where my mailbox is. I open up the container and crouch so that i may peek inside. It's dark. But i can make it out.

Its some sort of small horse. As it sees me i can tell that its happy to see daylight but scared to see my. I'm now thinking that i may have gotten a concusion. Its actually kind of cute. Even though its so cute, i dont care. I do what any man would do if they saw something like this. I stick my arm up and point at it. It now looks at me with confusion. I'd be confused to if some one just started pointing at me.

I quickly jab my finger into the mail box and shove my pointer into its belly. Its squishy and warm. I keep it in there for a second more and feel a sharp pain in my finger. I pull it out and look back into the mailbox. its now staring at me with anger in its eyes. Suddenly the small horse trys to jump out of the box, but not before i can slam the mailbox door in its face. Teaches it for biting me.

I go into my house and grab a hefty garbage bag. Nothing can break one of those. I walk back out side and leave my door open. Thats when i notice that i am bleeding. I go back into my house and set the bag aside. That bitch is in for it. I go into one of my closets and get an old fish bowl. I set that on my front porch. Now i walk down to the mailbox and pry it out of the ground. I can hear it kicking and screaming. I walk over to my porch next to the fish bowl.

That thing wont stop screaming, so i shake the mailbox for a few seconds.Ii realize how cruel that was later, but it stopped. I now hold the mailbox over the fishbowl and open the mailbox door. The small horse falls upside down into the fish bowl. I have now determined that it is female for reasons i refuse to say.

I can now see that this horse is no ordinary horse. Its kind of... cartoony. Yup, its gray coated with a yellow blonde mane that seems to have no strands. Its just there. I can also see that its, how do i put it, derp. The eyes arn't facing the same directions. For now im just going to call it derpy for good reason. I can defenetly tell that its a young horse. Maybe a foal. But its much smaller than the average horse. Its more of a pony.

Okay! I am now the owner of a pesky little derp pony that has a strong jaw. What to do with it, i don't know. I'll think about it later, but first, i need to fill my fishbowl up with freezing cold water or my new fish will dehidrate.

Im not actually going to do that. Just enough to where it can drink. Im not going to kill it or anything, i was just kind of mad.

I walk over to the sink and pour some warm water over derpy. She seems to like it. She just sort of lays down in the fish bowl as the warm water soaks away the dirt and stuff in her... actually, i dont know where the dirt's coming from. She looks pretty clean to me. She looks so cute, i dont know any reason why i would dsturb this. I turn off the water and set her aside. She has fallen asleep now.

I waited about ten minutes before i slowly pour the water out of the bowl. i take a towel and gently lift her out of there. Luckily, she stays asleep. I can feel the warmth from her body through the towel. She is so squisky. She is kind of like one of those wierd, squishy ball things that have the rubber flagella things coming off of it. I cant seem to find the ribcage though. This thing has some wierd anatomy compared to none cartoon ponys.

I lay her upon the towel and wrap her up.I set her down on the couch and look at her sleep. I put my hand on her soft little head and pet her gently.

I don't want children any more

Okay. So I have laid out some stuff for when she wakes up. I put a bowl of water in the corner of the room, over by the television. Next to that, I put a bowl of sugar. Probably not the best thing to give a baby pony, but it's the only thing that I know horses like. I would have put some apples on a plate, but I don't have any apples at the moment.

I dont know how cartoon ponys work in reality or what they do, but i'll have to see as I go along. Another strang thing that I noticed and i dont know how I missed it before. She has wings! Although, I dont think that she can fly yet, if she ever will. The wings on her back shouldn't be big enough to carry her, but there is alot of things I don't know. So what she does or doesn't do can only be told by the future.

Oh! I think she's waking up. Yup, she's stretching her legs out. Hey! her wings just popped up. Now she's fluttering them. And now she's going head first off the couch.

I try to get to her before she falls on her face, but it's too late. When I get to her, she is laying flat on her face. I pick her up and set her on her hooves. Oh no. she busted her lip.

I walk out of the room for a minute to get a bandaid and a paper towel. I wet the paper towel a little so that I may be able to get the bleeding to stop. When I get back into the living room, she isn't there where I left her. I look around to her food and water bowls, then to the kitchen. I swear, this thing is going to be nothing but trouble.

I turn back to see if she had gotten behind me. Sure enough, I see her scratching at the front door. I walk over and pick her up. She looks scared. I hold her in one hand and use my other to gently wipe her lip with the paper towel. Sure enough, she starts kicking back and forth, trying to get out of my grip. I tell her that it may hurt but if I dont do it now, it will only hurt more, later on.

She doesn't understand what im saying. She just keeps on kicking. I walk over to the table in the middle of the living room and set her on her back. I hold her tightly to the table with my left hand so that she can't get free. I use my right hand to get the bandaid.

While trying to put the bandaid on her lip, she pees on my left hand and all over the table. This is enough lubricant for her to wiggle free. At that point, I was ready to put her back in the fish bowl. But she escapes my reach and jumps off the table. She runs over to the TV area and climbs onto the table holding the TV and starts trying to chew through the cables. I quickly wipe my hand with the paper towel. When I turn back around and grab the fish bowl, she had almost pushed the TV off the table. Yet again, i am unable to stop her before it's too late.

The TV slams to the floor with a loud crash. I can only asume that the screen shattered and some stuff was broken inside. That only scares her even more. She jumps off that table and heads for the couch. Thankfuly, I'm able to grab her and shove her into the fish bowl.

The little thing is still kicking. She slams her body back and forth until the fishbowl rolls over. I'm trying to clean up what I can when i look back at her. I Should have just walked to work when I crashed. She is scrambling across the ground with her legs sticking out of the fish bowl, giving her room to run. She jumps up onto the couch and bounces into the window. The window breaks as she keeps going. From there, I dont know what happend.

I ran out the front door and looked for her as fast as I could. I'm starting to panic when I see her bolt under a bush on my front lawn. She doesn't run out the other side, so I assume that she is done running.

I can hear my neighbor's dog barking really loudly while staring at derpy. I walk over to the dog and throw a stick behind him. He of course runs off after the stick. I walk over to the bush that derpy was laying under and crouch so that I can reach her. She's curled up in the fishbowl crying. her face is red and tears are rolling down her face. Not to mention her lip bleeding all over the fishbowl.

I reach in and pull derpy out of the bush and wipe the blood off her face with my arm. She doesn't start kicking this time. I put the bandaid on her face and she stops crying. She looks at me with her two and a half inch derp eyes. If she wasn't so cute, I wouldn't have let her back into my home. I take her back inside and lay her on my bed where she can't harm anything.

As I walk out of the room, I hear her wisper something. I turn around and walk back to her. I ask if she said something, and she says it a little louder. "I'm sowwy." Ha! She talked. She can talk. This is so cool. Maybe I... Maybe I can raise her as I would a child. Like my own daughter. Things just get wierder and wierder. Now to go clean up a mess.

Off to a good start

I called my work to tell them why I didn't come to work today. Luckily, I have a really nice boss. He told me that I needed to find a way to work when the weekend was over. I have weekends off. There was no way I would to tell him about derpy though. If I had, he would have thought that I was trying to get a free day off. He may be nice, but he's not an idiot.

I have a few problems now. My car was able to be towed away, but will no longer be able to drive. Good thing statefarm is at my side. I have to find a way to keep my house safe or derpy safe while I go to work. I'm thinking about getting a big cage, but that doesn't feel right. I want to have her feel free while not letting her free. How does that work?

For now, I have two days off, plus today. It is five o'clock. CRASH!

Oh no. What did she break this time. I walk down the hall and open the door slowly. I peak in at my bed, hoping that nothing is to broken. My nightstand beside my bed is nocked over and is on top of derpy. I cant see her head, so I dont know if she is hert or crying. I don't think that the desk is heavy enough to hert her too much, but her legs are flailing around trying to push her out from under there. To the side of her and the nightstand is a shattered lamp. Why does she keep breaking my stuff?

I walk over to look on the other side of the desk at her upper body. her front legs are pushing as hard as she can to get out from under. No matter what position or posture she ends up in, she is always looking really cute. Set aside cute thoughts, I lift the nightstand off of her with one hand and pick her up with the other. She mutters "whoopsy."

I respond to her. "Derpy, if that is your name, I need you to stop breaking things. I know your not breaking stuff on purpose, right? I'm providing a warm place to stay. I do not want to put you in a cage, but if you keep breaking things, I am going to have a punishment put in place."

She looks down in shame. I give her a quick sqweeze and set her aside. "First off, I want to know what you can do. How much can you speak?

She replies quietly by saying "Not much." I ask if she can read. she just shakes her head.I set her down on the bed and sit down beside her. "I see that you have wing. Can you fly at all?" She spreads her wings out and flaps as fast as she can. she makes it about an inch off the bed before one wing gives out. She falls on her side. Next, I ask where she comes from. She answers with "metal box." I am pretty sure that she is talking about the mailbox.

Okay. She dosen't know much. It seems like I have to raise her like a child now. I don't know anything about parenting. I'm not too bad at teaching, but that is for older kids who already know the basics. Maybe I can set up some flash cards or something. One problem with teaching her to read might be her derp eyes. I will probably teach her to cover one eye while reading or something.

In the mean time, I have a box of connect four. I run over to the closet and get it from under some old shoes. I bring it over. I put the nightstand next to the bed so that derpy can get up to play the game. I set up the game on the nightstand. derpy walks across the bed over to the game and her eye go even more derp than before. I try to hold in my laughter but release a small giggle. Derpy looks over to me with strong confusion.

"Derpy. This is a game called connect four. the goal is to get your checker pieces in a straight line from each circle with your color, while avoiding my color circles, trying to get four in a striaght line. You drop your checker at the top of the board into one of the slots that is above where you are trying to make it get to."  Her eyes straighten up and look back at me. she asks why. "If you are able to beat me at it, I will give you a sugar crystal that is bigger than your eye. I will warn you though, it is not as easy as it looks."

Derpy's eyes get bigger than I have ever seen them before and she jumps up at my face. I am able to keep her from falling to the floor but she starts licking my cheek. It tickles so much that I drop her. She knocks the game off the table and falls to her face on the carpet. luckily, my bedroom carpet is alot softer than the living room carpet. I pick her and and the game up. I set her on the table next to the game and give her some of the red checkers. I take a black checker and slide it down a corner of the board. derpy picks up a red checker in one hoof and slides it down the middle slot. How did she just do that? Her hooves are flat. How do you pick something up with flat hooves? I reach over and pick up one of her front hooves. I feel around it with my thumb and give it a small sqweeze. Every part of her body seems to just squish, but I don't feel any reason why she could pick things up. I'm going to se her puzzle skills and find out how well she can learn. Hope that she's not slower than snails.

Bed time!

This pony is crazy. We've been playing this game for about two hours but derpy seems strongly determined to beat me at this, waiting for the time I slip so she may get a thick chunk of sugar. Probably the worst part is that for about an hour of play she wasn't playing it right. I mean, how hard can it be. All you do is slide checkers into slot. I just can't take any more of this. I work as a programer for video games and this is the thing that's hurting my head.

That aside. My buddy at work, frank, had a baby a few months ago. From what i know, he put him to bed at six. I never liked the idea of going to be that early, but if thats how it works, thats how it works. I sat up from a chair that I had pulled in earlier to stop my legs from falling asleep where I sat. Derpy looks up at me with a huge smile. I start to say something but pause when I see her eyes staring off in opposite directions. "Okay. I'm pretty sure we have had enough of this game for a while. I don't know how the gear of competition is still spinning in you head... but It's been a long day of" I say while wiping the stick out of my eye from staring at that game for so long. " And I know that you are pretty young. I think that now would be a good time to find your sleeping arrangements. we need to find out a way or place where you can sleep without causing me to drop my wallet."

I started to put the game away when I see her head drop and eye close. What once was a banana smile, is now a sad frown. I try not to pay attention to her. Her actions can be so convincing. I have a sweetspot now that I never had before. I finish putting away the game and set it aside the bed.

I walked into the hall living room and got a few spare blankets from my supply closet. I have enough food and tools in there to survive the apocalypse. I walk back down the hall and into the bathroom. I lay a few soft blankets down into the bath tub. I put it there because I know what a hard time dogs and cats have getting out of there. I walk back into my room and pick up derpy. She was jumping on the bed. I carried her to the bathroom and place her down on top of the blankets. I tell her to lay down and go to sleep and that I would be going to bed soon also.

Derpy curled up into a ball like a cat and closed her eyes. I lean over and give her a quick kiss on the forhead and say goodnight.

I walk over to the light swicth and turn it off. The light goes out and I here a small eep come from Derpy. I hope she has a good night sleep and that she doesn't end up afraid of the dark. I can't take any more problems in my life right now.

I close the door quietly and walk down the hall to sit on the couch. It took me a second to realise what actually happened today. first, I crashed my car and lost my phone. Second, I find a derped, female, cartoon pony that can exist in the physical universe, inside my mailbox. I mean, who in the right mind would put her there? The postal network from what I know, is not aloud to send horses through the mail. In the first place, how would you breed ponys to create one of her? Did she come from a different dimension, and just happen to come into this universe into my mailbox. Thats my theory. There is no way that I am believing that Derpy came from my universe being that she has wings! Ugh. Forget it. She is here now and thats all that matters. I wasn't going to let a foal cartoon out upon this world. God knows what will happen if some scientist comes along and finds her. I'm probably the best person to be able to take care of her right now. Even if she does keep destroying my stuff.Anyways, it has been a long day and I want a little time alone. I think I might play a little halo.

I walk over to my XBOX and hit the big button. Why it's nothing other than the red rings of death. I don't understand. Why does god hate me? Why am I asking? I don't believe in god. I go back and sit on the couch again. I look around my house and see the bowl of sugar in the corner. Oh flip. I forgot. I need to go pick up some food for her. I don't want her to start off her new life with sugar for a diet. If she can beat me at that game, she will have enough sugar to naw on for weeks.

I grab my wallet and stuff is in my pants pocket. I walk over to the front door and slowly open then close the door behind my to try not to alert derpy. My front door makes alot of noise when it opens and closes because it closes air tight. the sun is at the horizon and is slowly seeping down. I like where I live because it is warm at night and there isn't as much pollution in the air to stop the stars from seeking through the sky.

The walk to the wal-mart is only about twenty minutes away from my house. On the way, I see some birds nesting in the oaks and wandering cats walking around. I past Eric Lee on his way home. He is one of my nieghbors. I live in a very nice town. everyone's friendly. some more than others.

As I walk through the entrance of the wal-mart, I feel the cold air flush past me. It is cooler in wal-mart than outside. I slowly stroll down the isles as I think of what derpy might like. I grab a bag of apples from the shelves and a big bag of carrots from the refridgerated area, What else, what else? cabbage? do ponys like cabbage. I guess I'll have to find out. I grab two and put them in a plastic bag. Okay, I think thats good. Not too much to carry home. I buy that and put it in one bigger plastic bag and walk home. I do the same as I did before with being quite on the front door.

I quietly walk down the hall and put my ear up to the door. I hear an almost silent snore. I'm so happy that she didn't break anything while I was gone. I walk back dow nthe hall into the kitchen where I put away the apples and the carrots. I left the cabbage on the counter. I walked back int the living room and picked up derpys bowl. The bowl was still full of sugar. I poured that back into the bag and placed the bowl in one of my cupboards, I took a paper towel and one of the cabbage into the living room and set them down next to the water. I my self took the other cabbage and ate it. I like cabbage. I went back into my room, brushed my teeth, and went to sleep. I hope to dream of things other than derpy.

the flood

I had fallen asleep in my bed. I didn't want to dream about her, but I did. My dream was basically a continued replay of different ways that she would destroy something next. Everything from putting a gapping hole in the wall, to flying away, falling, then breaking her neck. If she ever breaks something really important, or gets a fatal disease, I dont know what i'll do. I can't take her to medical help. She'll just get taken away or something. I'd then probably go to jail for some shit reason like, "You are guilty of owning an endangered species" when derpy isn't endangered if she can't physicaly exist, but there she is!

I'm currently dreaming about her setting the house on fire. It is so realistic. I can actually her the blazing fire. Oh no! I'm trapped. I cant get out! Help!

suddenly I am splashed by water. But wait. This isn't dream water. This is real! My eyes quickly open to see Derpy hopping up and down on top of me. Her hair is all messed up and She is soaking wet. She's yelling " Water! Water Water!" over and over again. In the background I can hear a loud SSSHHHHH sound.

I jump out of bed, flinging Derpy off of me and across the room. She lands in my pile of clean clothes in the corner of the room, then jumps right up again, runs aeound in a circle a few times, and falls over. Her eyes in actual X's. I stumble around for a second, being that I just awoke, then sprint out the door. First thing I feel when I boost out the door is water rushing around my feet. AAAHHH! COLD!

I look over to where the water is coming from. The bathroom. The door had shut because of water currents. I walk over to the door, my feet tickling from the rushing, cold water. All I can do is pray that it doesn't go cartoon style where I open the door and it floods out nocking me over as the water runs over me.

I quickly open the door and look in. The water does rush out, but not cartoon style. Well... almost. The water is up to my thighs. It soaks my shorts and flows past me. I do wobble a bit to try and hold my self back. Just that moment, derpy comes running around the corner from my room and is swept away by the currents. She goes wee down the hall until I hear a bang and she starts crying real loud.

I push my way through into the bathroom and see the bath tub overflowing with water. I reach for the nob that controls the flow and turn it off then slip, bang my head, and pass out.

"Wake up!" I can hear a higher pitched voice say. "Please! Wake up!" my eyes flutter open and I can feel derpy to my right. Her hooves are on my side and I can hear her breaking down. I roll to my side so that I may see her and I feel a sharp pain in my head. Major headache. She is looking down and tear drops are falling from her eyes. She's beating at the wet floor. each stop alittle splash. I reach over and put my hand on her head. She looks up at me with the saddest face in the world. her eyes are straight. She goes slowly from a frown to a smile and her eyes go wide and derp again. She jumps at me and I just stop her before she gets to me.

I stand up slowly while holding Derpy in one of my hands. I trip and almost drop her but catch her with the other hand. I look around. The floor is soaked and the bath tub is fille with water. I look down at the ground and see blood. My eyes go wide and I quickly examine derpy to make sure she is okay. She is fine but She is pointing at my forehead. I set her down and turn around and look at the mirror to see a large cut across my forehead with a big missing chunk of skin at the end of it. If I never knew that that was there, I would have been fine. but when I see it, I can feel it. It HURTS though I have to hide my pain so that derpy doesn't get any more scared. I push her out the door and close it behind me.

God bless the day that she doesn't break, hurt, destroy, or cost me anything. I pray for that day. Which is wierd because I don't believe in god. I don't want to hurt derpy. but if she continues, im going to have to punish her. What's really bad is that I don't think she even knows that she is doing it.

I open the door back up and see derpy dragging a towel across the hall. She turns over to me and looks up at my forehead, then back to pulling the towel. I try to pick up the towel but she has a firm bite on the towel and comes along with. I take her into the living room and set her down next to the towel on the couch. Just before she can jump off the couch, I put my hand in front of her and say, "no." She turns back towards me and looks at me with her derpy eyes. I'm finding it hard to speak to her with her eyes like that, even more because she's cartoon.

"Okay, look. I'm finding it really hard to believe that you're not doing these sort of things on purpose. Could you please tell me what happend or why it happened." I said with a firm tone. Derpy looks down at her feet and speaks.

"Well, I woke up. I looked around. Saw big round thing. Hungry. Climbed up. Jumped at it. It went down. Then water came out of hole. Water cold. I couldn't get out of tub. Water filled tub. I swam out of tub. tub spilled out. I run for door. closes behind me. Water under door. try to stop it with hooves. nothing work. water everywhere. Run to you. Wake you up. Fly across room. run out room, pushed away by water when open door. hit head on table." She pauses and points over to the table that holds the TV. The TV's intact but the flower pot next to it is on the ground, shattered. Then I look at my cable box for the time. 6:47. Good. I still have to get to work. I think I will put her out side. make sure she cant get out of back yard. "I cry for a while. go into bathroom. See you on the floor. Blood everywhere." I stop her to let her know that she can go, Then point over to her bowl of water and cabbage. She rushes over to the cabbage and chows down. She's got alot to learn.