Karmic Sailing

by Obvious German

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Random, Human, Main 6, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 14414

I've ended up in Equestria, as what seems to be the largest predator in existence. I blame karma!

Now how do I start? I know, dinosaurs! I have a very intense fascination about them, even more so for a certain predator that seemed to beat the Tyrannosaurus and the Gigantosaurus in size and ferocity. The Spinosaurus. With a very odd sail and a snout like a crocodile, who wouldn't want to examine them? I did, and after treating a mother and her whiny son quite roughly, the equivalent of a holy punishment lands me in Equestria in the middle of an apple orchard belonging to everyone's favorite cowpony and as a Spinosaurus.

So how will they deal with something quite terrifying? And how will I deal with being a theropod that I know very little of?

I got this fairly ridiculous idea after this guy posted about the Helicoprion shark. Thank him, don't thank the German.

Published 2013-02-13 00:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-07 13:15:56 UTC

Chapter 1: Just Perfect

“… And this is our last item on our list in the tour.” The skeleton of a large sail finned dinosaur stood before the group of tourists and me, your tour guide. “This right here is a complete reconstruction of an intact Spinosaurus specimen that we have uncovered a few months back,” I continued to the amusement of the fat man with a large Nikon.  He was too busy snapping photos to care about my speech to the others that were clearly intrigued by this curious skeleton.

“Whoa!  Can I touch it?” asked an unusually hyperactive boy who was jumping around, his hands tightly gripped onto the display rails. As much as I wanted to chase him away, I couldn’t.

“No, you can't. I’ve been repeating that same friggin' word for the last four displays we've been through. Clearly, you are not getting the damn message.” I pointed to a small sign that said ‘No touching’. I sighed immediately, these buffoons must’ve learned something in social studies, right? Or are they that bloody blind?

“Excuse me, sir. That was very rude of you to my son,” said the mother of the boy who was reaching out his fingers on to the aged fossil of the Spinosaurus.

“And excuse me, miss. I am merely stating the rules over and over again to someone who is clearly not listening- the boy’s fingers had contacted the right leg of the skeleton.

“Look, mommy! I touched the big old lizard!” I grimaced and paced myself to the boy with utmost anger. His mother blocked my way.

“Excuse me, that right there is a breach in the code of conduct in this museum. I have to put an end to this now,” I spat out, trying not to release my pent up anger.

“Let me do that, sir,” she said flatly, causing me to flare up once again. I was getting too old for this shit.

“Now, miss. If you don’t let me do what I need to do, that boy is going to- He poked it again.

“Hey!” I shouted, my finger pointed at the boy who was dead still, so was everyone else as I vented my anger. “Stop touching that bloody skeleton and walk away! NOW!” I shouted, causing him to start sobbing.

“How dare you- I hushed her with an angry hiss.

“How dare me, miss? Because I have worked in this bloody museum for years on end tending to you ignorant bums! Now let me finish off this tour so I can get to my office and rest while you daft punks can just go back home and watch football for the rest of your stinking day!” I yelled out as I formed a fist and threw it in the air. She immediately backed off and so did the sniveling bastard. Good, now I had them in order for the last item in my damn itinerary.

“Now then, I shall continue on with my last explanation for this magnificent creature,” I said, slowly losing my anger. I saw the woman and her son silently agreeing to what I said.  “This here is a Spinosaurus of the Spinosauridae family.  It possesses several distinctive traits that you may have already noticed.” I pointed to the spinal region of the theropod, highlighting the row of bones forming a sail.

“These are the spines of this dinosaur that gained it its current name. They are at most 1.65 meters in maximum length and form the recognizable sail of the Spinosaurus,” I put my hand down, very exhausted. “We do not know what the sail is used for but many theories has been put up for the usage of this curious part of this dinosaur. They include thermoregulation and showing off their vibrant colors during their mating season,” I coughed out, my voice was a little sore after my rant.

“They also possess a snout much like the crocodiles of today,” I continued. After that, the fat man put his hand up. “Do you have a question, sir?”

“Does that mean it’s a frickin’ large croc?” I face palmed immediately.

“No, sir. It does not mean it is a crocodilian.  That snout only means it’s diet must have consisted mainly of fish and the occasional meat,” I croaked, rubbing my throat. “However, your question may have been partially correct, for there is evidence that this predator may have lived in the water like a crocodile.” I saw him smiling in victory before I turned my attention to my watch.

Right on the schedule.

“Alright! We have concluded the tour of this museum. Now, if you follow that way,” I gestured to a hallway leading to the exit of the building. “You will come out at a souvenir store that leads to the parking lot.” I feel like they were giving me their best ‘you don’t say’ expression., but I was just trying to play nice before I slam that door to my office open and take a well-deserved nap.

“Thanks, bud,” The fat man said as the tour group took off, leaving me with the Spinosaurus alone. I let out a breath of relief, finally I was done with today’s round of tourists.

“Well, Rosella. We’re back to isolation in this dusty mess of a museum,” I said to the Spinosaurus I had affectionately named ‘Rosella’ for some odd reason.

“And I suppose you are slowly going insane?” I swerved myself to face my co-worker, Kendra.

“Don’t assume, I am already insane,” I responded as I swiped my shirt clean of dust and flicked my dog tag around.

“Listen, Ethan. I know you’re pretty tired with all these slobs coming in and out, but that doesn’t mean you can simply go ranting about and scaring them off. It’s not good for business,” she said as we walked to my office.

“So what? I’m sick and tired of dealing with them, the only time I felt glad was when I went out for that expedition that brought dear Rosella here.” I pointed to the skeleton again, causing her to grin. I was pretty much attracted to her for the longest time I can remember.

“I know, you’ve been a lot more happier since you came back with the bones of the Spinosaurus.” I nodded in response. We reached my office at last, I quickly opened the door and leapt onto a beanbag chair I bought earlier on in the year. “I see you still are pretty laid back,” she said as she took a seat on a nearby chair.

“Of course I am, why wouldn’t anyone be?” I answered back as I pulled out a laptop that was charging and opened up the story I was currently writing on. Something about a spy and his country, but whatever.

Kendra knew I was also working as a writer in the meantime, so she let’s me do my work whenever she felt like I had done enough for the day. “Still writing that novel you’re working on?”

“Definitely, just writing a little bit before I go out again to check on the skeleton. Some stupid kid touched it, got pretty mad at him and his mom,” I said.

“So that’s what happened just now,” she replied, thinking back to my rant.

“Indeed.” My fingers were quickly zipping across the keyboard as I typed out lines and lines of words. She got up to my dismay, that girl always had something to do.

“Alright, I got some stuff to clear up now. See you in a while!” she waved good-bye to me, I responded with the same as the door slammed shut. I let out a yawn.

I was done ten minutes later with my writing. I had run out of ideas on what to write anymore. I grunted in frustration and close the laptop to charge it before walking out of my office. It took me two minutes to get to where the skeleton of the Spinosaurus was.

I was a very curious person even before I became a writer and a paleontologist. My dad used to read me tales of flying horses, men with hearts of steel and creatures so terrifying even Dracula couldn’t compare to it. I was pretty much into all that stuff until I picked up a book on dinosaurs when I reached my tenth year in existence. Ever since then, I’ve been on a trail to get the required grades to become a qualified paleontologist. Along the way, I had also become a talented action writer. I had like six books that I’ve published and always saw whenever I passed by a bookstore in town, they were all about science fiction and constant action, something I never thought I could get into in reality.

I scanned the skeleton with the eyes of an eagle to see whether the kid had done anything to Rosella. It took me ten minutes before I was convinced it was clean of any harm. I looked up to it one last time before I went back to my office, and that was when I spotted the strangest thing in my entire life.

On one of the spines of the skeleton was a bright and rainbow colored orb that was flashing rapidly. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief and found that it was still there. Normally, I would’ve called Kendra here to help me out but something inside of me was literally screaming at me to investigate it myself.

So I went into the nearby janitorial closet, took out a large ladder and placed it next to the display. I clambered up as fast as I could to investigate the mysterious object.

“What in the hell?” I mumbled as I reached the top, eyes locked on to the orb that was now glowing brighter. I rubbed my forehead before I made a very stupid decision.

I needed to touch it, like right now. But you don’t touch mysterious orbs that had the colors of the bloody rainbow, do you? I was conflicted with my sense of morality and the wave of intense curiosity.

Guess who won? Curiosity did, and you know what they said when curiosity killed the cat.

I reached out to touch the orb. It felt like time slowed down a lot as my fingers stretched out to it. I finally poked the object.

I only saw a bright white flash after the first contact, and then I went through what seemed like that scene from Star Wars with all these stars, except it was happening to me right now.

‘Hoo boy! That’s the last of them trees!” Applejack said as apples dropped from the tree like bombs into the baskets below. She had finished her daily bucking of the trees in Sweet Apple Acres and now she was currently on her way back to her farmhouse.

“Hope Granny Smith can whip up some of her pies again!” she exclaimed gleefully. Just then, a loud boom resonated from the sky causing her to turn back. It might’ve been Rainbow Dash doing another of her sonic rainbooms, but she had a feeling it wasn’t. A second after, another boom was sounded as an enormous dark figure crashed into her apple trees much farther behind.

“Mah trees!” she dropped the baskets and trotted to the fallen trees. No one had the guts to fell her tree whether on purpose or by accident. Whatever just did had crushed multiple trees, and now she was steaming mad. Her day had just been ruined by something that just fell out of the sky.

She finally reached the edge of the crash site, and what she saw made her tremble.

Lying down in that very patch of destroyed farmland was a large reptilian with an enormous and colorful sail of its top. Was it a dragon? She didn’t know, but had the feeling it was very, very dangerous.

“H-h-hello..?” She sounded like Fluttershy, only that now she was really in a situation that warranted absolute fear.

The dragon-like beast groaned in pain, and slowly moved it’s left claw. It took five long minutes before it finally turned over onto its stomach and with both of its reptilian eyes wide open. It was now staring at her with the one eye that was on her side and observed her sharply. It pushed itself up very slowly with it shorter than usual arms, which gave Applejack enough time to back away to a considerable distance and behind another tree.

Once it had risen, only then she realized that its size was bigger than she estimated of it earlier on. It was bigger than a hydra and most certainly larger than a dragon.

But it didn’t end there, it attempted to scratch itself but it couldn’t, seeing it had the arms the size of a branch. It then proceeded to spin its monstrous muzzle and faced the frightened cowpony who was now cowering behind a tree.

That was when it started speaking in a very hoarse voice. “Well, fuck me! Is that a talking pony I see and hear with my oddly invisible ears and my snake-like eyes?”

Chapter 2: The Purpose of a Predator

Damn, I felt disoriented. My vision was pretty fucked up as it was split into half, and I could barely register anything that was farther than a kilometer, however I could see the swaying of leaves, the birds flying in terror from my current form and a pony that talked who currently was hiding behind a far away tree like an eagle on his prey.

Wait, what? That’s scientifically impossible, ponies couldn’t talk due to their vocal cords not being well developed enough, so what the fuck?

Then again, I just disappeared in a flash of light like some poorly written Star Trek movie. Scotty? Come back and pick me up, please? I shook my scaly snout in dismay. Snout?

I tried to talk again, only to emit a low raspy growl like that of a crocodile. I then tried to move my arms around which I couldn’t see at all. They were working alright, but they felt a little stiff. I noticed I felt as if I had something on top of me, and it hit me that it was a bony sail. What do I need that for? I didn't know, maybe I'll just find out sooner or later.

Finally, I tried to move my legs and boy, they felt really damn terrible. I ended up almost crashing onto the ground because I was busy trying to adjust myself to a body I wish not to be in right now. After a few minutes or maybe half an hour, I finally learned how to balance myself with that tail I had just discovered.

So let me get this straight, I landed somewhere pretty far away from Kendra and that dusty museum and turned into what seemed to a Spinosarus, and now I am currently facing an orange mare with a fucking Stetson after destroying a quarter of farmland.

Great, just my luck. I grumbled in my dinosaur form. Just then, I heard my stomach rumble. Oh crud, I haven’t come here just to eat a bunch of outlandish and probably sentient beings, have I? Bloody hell, I think the screaming and shit I had with that bitch and her kid made me hungry.

The pony saw that too and backed away from my form as fast as she could. I let out a hoarse croak at this sight and looked around in the surroundings. There was a far-away barn, a very dark and ominous looking forest and a town full of these things, the last two were blurry as hell due to my split vision. Damn, not a lot of choices on where to go to satisfy my hunger. The forest seemed to be the best choice, but that’ll probably take me an hour to get there or less. But what if I was detected? Nah, they'll just run away like every sensible... thing.

So I started stomping my way to the forest, trying to stay at the least, humane, as my feet accidently crushed some more of these damn trees.  The barn came closer, and I could see a big red stallion trying to do… whatever farmers do as I had figured out earlier on. The orange mare I had observed earlier was cowering inside a barn, looking at me as if I was there to burn down the place like Godzilla did to Japan, and I couldn’t really blame the poor thing.

At least I had no radioactive lasers I could produce from my mouth or any super healing abilities. Only my elongated snout and the sail of mine was my interesting feature. Oh, the ability to talk? I suppose that can be counted.

The stallion halted his work, and looked around for the sounds of me stomping around. The mare gestured for the stallion to look at her, then at me. And that was when I saw the jaws of the pony literally drop onto the ground like a Tom and Jerry cartoon. That confirmed my fears; I was in the land filled with super colorful cartoon ponies as an enormous and extinct predator that I haven’t fully understood yet. What else can go wrong?

Of course, the mare had to start shrieking as per every giant monster movie. Except I was an intelligent one, not some mindless biped with three heads that shoots freaking lightning. She slammed the barn doors open and left the red stallion behind as she fled to the town beyond where I stood with my enormous form. I turned my attention back to the stallion, trying to manage a grin with my reptilian muzzle.

“Hey, buddy,” I said or rather growled, as the stallion just stared at me.

“Eeyup.” He ran away in sheer terror back into the nearby farmhouse where I could smell something being baked. I licked my snout but immediately shook it off. If I needed to do something about this awkward situation, I needed to get back home, in human form hopefully.

I continued past the barn, felling more unfortunate trees on the way to the forest I hope can provide me… food for the time being. If I was a Spinosaurus, then I was going to have to hunt like one. But unlike any of them back then, I had a human brain. Smart and cunning. But I was as slow as one, and big like one, a big problem. With my odd vision that like seeing through the eyes of a chameleon, I observed the surroundings once more.

Finally, I reached the damned forest in about 45 minutes because of the given berth of my steps and me tripping occasionally with a loud boom because I was still getting used to the legs of the Spinosaurus, and trying to balance out my tail in the process. It beckoned me into its unending vale of darkness. I wasn’t really afraid because I was only a little short of the tallest tree in that forest, with one of my monoscopic eyes, I read the words on a nearby sign. 'Everfree Forest'.

Figures, anything in this place would be pretty odd. I walked into the forest, unaware that three young fillies were watching my movement. I could only smell them rather faintly, but I screamed at myself saying they weren’t food. I needed to keep my humanity for pete’s sake, not get consumed by constant hunger to the point I would eat perfectly innocent ponies, or would I?

“Whoa!” said Applebloom as she watched the gigantic lizard stomp into the forest.

“Is that a dragon?” asked Scootaloo as she cowered behind a bush.

“Ah’m not sure Scoots, but Ah think that’s what we should call it for ta’ time bein’,” replied Applebloom as they continued observing its massive tail swishing back and forth.

“It looks pretty neat, wanna go check it out?” said Sweetie Belle.

“Ya bet!” Applebloom replied back cheerfully at the prospect.

“Come on, Scoots! Don’t be a chicken!” Scootaloo’s head popped out from behind the bush.

“I ain’t a chicken! No big lizard can easily scare me- the beast had disappeared, but it let out a roar so loud it promptly deafened the trio. Scootaloo panicked and hid behind the bush again.

“Hah!” said Sweetie Belle as the forest once again closed up, the stomping of the beast the only thing they heard from the Everfree.

“Let’s go! CUTIE MARK DRAGON TAMERS!” Applebloom yelled as she and Sweetie Belle galloped off into the forest, Scootaloo following after calming herself down.

Gah! That was… unsettling. A hydra half of my size was now directly in my crocodilian snout, it’s seven elongated heads snarling at me. Fucking hell, now I encounter another creature that came from a book about mythology? Where am I, Norway? How do I even fucking fight it? Oh wait, I forgot. I'm a friggin' dinosaur. I only hoped for a cow, or a goat, or a large fish but certainly not this.

I growled back, surely this body could do some major damage to the brightly colored hydra.  “Is that all you can manage, you jacked up bastard?” I responded in my hoarse tone. I was going to have to live with that for now, until I get back to the museum. It seemed surprised at my ability to speak, but continued staring at me. Oh shit, I think I pissed it off.

It made me think back to that damn movie again, with me snapping the neck of a T.Rex, so I think this applies as well...?

Oh shit, my first day here and already I'm fighting a mythological creature just to eat it for lunch.

The hydra’s left heads lunged first at my neck, and I dodged them with only a few scratches, or more as I couldn't feel them. In retaliation, I advanced forwards into the river where it was and clamped my jaws down on three of the heads. They started flailing around until I put a large foot into it's body and pushed, it tore off the heads with ease.

So I guess that movie was accurate about the power of the Spinosaurus’s clamp. How I managed to rip them out from their necks was unknown, I was sure this thing didn't have the bite force as a T-Rex but hey! I just managed to decapitate not one, but three of the hydra's heads with ease.

It pulled back in pain, what remained of the three decapitated heads were leaking blood like a broken pipe with crushed bones to make it look better. It hissed at me, then lunged again. This time, I spun once more, and slammed it with my tail causing it to fall into the water like a rock. It hissed once again as I approached the poor guy, with the intent to munch on something. I felt a little pain from the time it scratched me, but I just dismissed it and moved on.

I put a strong foot on top of one of its submerged heads, crushing it effortlessly and only leaving a mush of brains and bones that blended in the water like juice. The unfortunate beast was now dying very slowly at my… claws. I then finished it off with a clean chomp at its last two heads, devouring them in a second.

I let out a bloodthirsty roar, my first prey is down for the count. I looked down once more and dove my snout into the body of the hydra, staining the river with bright red blood.

Boy, I had to tell Kendra about this oddly wonderful experience.

“I think… I’m gonna… puke…” Scootaloo threw up behind a bush as the other two watched the sight with morbid curiosity.

“That’s… terrible!” Sweetie Belle said as the lizard continued munching on the liver of the dead hydra.  “What is that thing? Dragons only eat jewels but that makes them look like dolls!”

“Ah don’t know, but it sure as heck qualifies as an extremely dangerous critter,” Applebloom replied as they watched the flesh of the hydra being thrown into the air by the gigantic lizard.

Suddenly, it lifted its snout in the air, sniffing for something they didn’t know about. Then it hit them like a rock, it was sniffing them out.

“Aw shucks, been real nice livin’ with ya’ll,” said Applebloom as the dragon-like beast slowly maneuvered it’s large head towards the trio. It took it two minutes before its reptilian eyes were locked on the Crusaders.

Then it did the most surprising thing ever; it started to talk in a very deep and raspy voice.

“Sup.”

Chapter 3: No Ordinary Lizard

I was now staring at three young fillies, one who was a… pegasus? It’s face seemed really green, and I caught the whiff of vomit amidst the smell of hydra flesh. Poor girl, I mused to myself.

“…N-nothin’, nothin’ at all sir,’ the golden colored one with a scarlet mane and a humongous bowtie responded, quivering with fear as I looked at them with my blood covered muzzle. I managed a reptilian version of a snicker before I looked back at my meal, it was almost finished but I was quite full from that. I guess being a Spinosaurus does increase your stomach.

“Don’t worry, kiddo. You can tell me what you three are doing out in a such a dangerous place,” I answered back as I dipped my snout into the water and shook it clean of the blood. I felt a little bit like that guy from Jurassic Park.

“…W-we followed ya here, an’ we saw th’ hydra and ya fightin’,” she said back as the orange pegasus put a hoof on her mouth and turned green again as her eyes darted onto the unfinished hydra.

“Oh, about that…” I looked down with contempt. I probably traumatized them with my actions, but it had to be done. “Sorry about that, being an extinct creature had its repercussions.”

“What?” the white colored white asked me as she started slowly trotting towards me besides the awful smell of blood. “You’re extinct? But you’re here!”

I sighed. “Well, this is going to be a long story,” I said as I tried to sit down but failed to do so. “Do you guys want to hear my story or do you want to go back to wherever you came from and send millions of soldiers to kill me?” they swapped looks, before the golden one nodded her head, followed by the pegasus.

“Then take a sit, I see a big enough log for the three of you,” I looked over to a fallen tree, they followed suit and sat on the bark of the tree. I took a few big steps back and lowered myself down enough for my front arms to touch the floor. This is so much like giving those damn tourists lectures about the fossils.

“Now, what are your names?” I asked them, obviously curious with talking ponies after my brief encounter with another two much earlier.

“Mah name’s Appleboom,”

“Sweetie Belle, sir,”

“S-scootaloo, mister,”

Very odd names indeed, but I was in a land with mythical creatures so that didn’t seem too out of place.

“Good to know, my name is Ethan. I was a human before I turned into… a dinosaur,” I explained my situation to the three of them who had their attention straight at me with utmost attentiveness.

“What’s a human? And what’s a dinosaur?” Applebloom asked in curiosity.

“Well, a human is a mammal. You ever seen a monkey?” they looked around, and shook their heads. “Oh brother. Well, humans are really pink and bipedal, that means two legged. They possess the power of speech as you see in front of you,” I continued, they listened attentively. These kids were better than the tourists I had to endure, that was a good thing.

“But you’re a big critter that can talk! Are you a dragon?” I took particular interest in this question. Dragons? They exist too? Most interesting, I shall investigate this matter later.

“No, I am not a dragon. I am a human that has seemingly transformed into a creature known commonly as a dinosaur,” I said, looking at the sky. It was getting a little bit darker. I let out a crocodilian cough, startling them. “Sorry about that,” I apologized.

“Anyway, I am a certain kind of a dinosaur called a theropod. And they are carnivorous, you kids are lucky I didn’t choose you as my side platter after that hydra.” I joked at the last part, but I don’t think that worked especially since I just brutally mauled and ate a friggin’ hydra.

“The theropod I have transformed into is called a Spinosaurus, which is what you see right now,” I said, my sail felt really, really weird. I guess they were right about thermoregulation.

“That’s pretty cool, mister Ethan,” said Sweetie Belle, earning a crooked smile. I looked up again, and looked down at them. It was slowly becoming dusk.

“You guys should probably go home, but before that,” I turned my attention to Applebloom. “You related to a orange mare wearing a Stetson?” I asked her.

“Yup, she’s mah sister, Applejack.” I grunted, this filly was her frickin’ sister.

“Oh damn, well I hate to tell you this but I had a very unfortunate… accident with her and her orchard.” I said with total regret for wrecking the pony’s farmland. Couldn’t anything not go wrong in one day?

“Oh, okay. At least she ain’t hurt, right?” she said to me.

“She wasn’t, ran off to the town I saw earlier on. What’s the name of that place? anyway”

“Um… Ponyville.” Ponyville? Sounds rural, and like that damn Facebook game.

“Oh, thanks kiddo. Now if you excuse me, I must be off, sleeping’s gonna be big part of my job as a temporary dinosaur,” I said as the three of them trotted away, their looks had changed from terror into happiness after having a conversation with an intelligent reptile. I cracked my signature smile and stomped off into the dark forest. I planned to go deeper to avoid detection, but I figure it might be better sleeping closer to the town. Even for a large reptile like me, I would get pinned down by a pack of predators deeper in the forest if I was caught off guard.

So I turned around and walked back to the path, with my constant stomping it should be easy to scare off potential attackers. I thought I heard something muttering in the midst of the forest but I dismissed them. I reached the outskirts of the forest, and took a good look of Ponyville.

Jesus, I have never seen so many goddamned ponies in my life, and they were bright as shit. I never took notice of my color, but it didn’t matter as long as I blended in to the foliage. I spied some sort of group outside a suspicious looking tree, was there some sort of event going on? I didn’t care at all.

I grunted as I tried to lie down to sleep, but I had a feeling something was watching me. I don’t know why it frightens me even though I was a 14.3 meters tall dinosaur, but it did. I swerved my head in a heartbeat, and found a trembling yellow pegasus standing a few feet away from my body.

“Eep!” it yelped and cowered under its front hooves. I grumbled, when was the hostile reception going to end?

“What do you want now? I just ate a hydra for lunch and all I need now is a good… nap!” I said as I put my head back down onto the forest’s floor.

“Y-y-you can talk..? And y-you just ate a hydra?”  she asked meekly, I lifted up my head and nodded. “O-o-oh no… it’s like that talking shark I just met a few hours ago again…”

Wait, a talking shark? “That’s right, lass. I ate a goddamned hydra, so what? I’m a big fucking bipedal predatory beast and I do what they do! And what’s with this shark you speak of?” I said, increasing my tone to that of a roar.

“I’m so, so sorry… sir. I didn’t mean to make you angry…” it stammered, her eyes were watering. I sighed lowly, the eyes! Why the fucking puppy eyes?!

“… Its alright, I have no reason to be angry unless you want to get your head chomped off like a twig with a bulldozer,” I replied back causing her to back away. I was going to be very pissed off if this nonsense didn’t stop sooner or later, getting to this cartoonish land was already infuriating enough.

“…Wha-what’s a bulldozer…?” she asked, I wanted to sleep and let her get away before I really, really got angry.

“Something that you shouldn’t worry about, now let me sleep,” I finished off, to my dismay she took a bold step forward.

“Sorry, sir. I was wondering what was that noise I heard while feeding my animals. All of them fled from the house the second they heard you,” she explained why she was out here as I flickered.

“It’s okay, kid. Animals tend to flee from beings larger than them. Although you are certainly the bold type,” I remarked at her bravery to approach such a dinosaur like me.

“What’s your name? My name is Fluttershy, sir.”

“Name’s Ethan, nice to meet you.”

She cocked her head the second I said my name. “That’s an odd name for a… dragon,” she said, incurring my wrath at this damn word again.

“For the love of- I am not a friggin’ dragon! I’m a bloody DINOSAUR!” I roared, causing the birds roosting above to fly away hastily and the pegasus to cower once more. Damn it, dragons had wings! I don't have wings, only this sail of mine!

I calmed down, I was never the one to hold back my anger. “Sorry about that, been through a hell of a day.”

“It’s ok-okay sir, just… don’t do that again...” she said with the damn puppy eyes. She was good.

“Fine,” I responded, surrendering to the eyes of Fluttershy. “Just don’t ask me questions that are very stupid. I had more than my fair share of stupid questions in one day.”

“Ok-okay… sir,” she replied as she slowly backed away from my form. I was getting really tired and let out a loud yawn, or what seemed to be one.

“By the w-way, that shark that I talked about… he’s in town with my friends…” she said, gaining my interest once again. A talking shark in Ponyville? I must meet him, maybe he’s my way out of this cartoonish land.

She then bid farewell to me, and I responded with a lowly huff as I laid my head on the forest floor. But before I slept, I directed my one eye onto where she was going because I could smell… blood from wherever she came from. Not the blood of the hydra I fought, just the blood of… fishes? I looked up one last time into the sky and found it was the right time to sleep as darkness set in.

I soon fell into a deep slumber, silently hoping whatever brought me here would somehow bring me back to her and the museum. I missed being human.

“…Thank you, sir! Have a nice day!” the doorbell chimed as the souvenir store’s last customer walked out. Kendra was at most happy with what she had. At least fifty bucks was worth something. The day was over, no more tours and no more people.

She sighed. “Where is that lovable guy?” she mused, normally Ethan would be quite noisy once he was done with the check on Rosella, but it was strangely serene. She looked out of the windows of the store before she got up and left the store, not before closing the lights and locking the door with a click. Fiddling with the keys, she walked to his office, only to find something very odd on the way.

Right next to the skeleton was a ladder, the janitorial room door ajar. “…Ethan?” she asked as she pulled out her phone to try and find him.

Then the phone rung loudly, in his room. “That’s bad…” she said, worried for her friend for he never left his office without it.  It was then when she spotted something glowing brightly on one of the spines of the skeleton, next to where the ladder's top was.

“...Rainbows?” She dropped her Nokia in surprise at the object. Somewhere in the world, someone too said that.

Chapter 4: Extremely Rude Awakening

I woke up with a cough, a deep cough that is. I flickered my eyes with the sun burning them. I sighed, as the heat began to seep into me thanks to my sail. I guess thermoregulation helps these dinosaurs pretty well. I was all fueled up from the sun’s ray after about ten minutes or so. I looked around, it was still the same as yesterday but the smell of blood had long disappeared and no longer heard the voices but instead I gazed on the town.

What did that yellow pegasus say again? A talking shark in Ponyville? Seems like a good start from what I had yesterday. I was now at my full height, and visible to anyone who lays their eyes on me. I wanted to guess my coloring now, and…. Bright red with white stripes. Grant, you better be sorry once I get back because of that fucking movie. How did I manage to stay undetected for that long in the forest with a skin color of red?

I just silently thanked Lady Luck and moved on slowly, trying to not startle the pegasus’s far away animals, animals…

I’m not that damn hungry! I cursed to myself, unaware of the same three fillies from yesterday. What were their names again? Appleblood? Sweet Bells? Scooter?

“Heya, mister Ethan!” said Apple….bloom, as they continued trotting to me.

“Hey guys,” I responded as I drew closer to Fluttershy’s cottage. I took notice of a small pond up there, that must be where I smelt blood!

“What’cha doin’ sneakin’ up to Fluttershy’s house? Her animals don’t like big things like ya,’ said Applebloom as the three of them hid under me.

“I know, I just wanted to know about that peculiar smell…” I reached the pond, and found something very interesting. Bits and pieces of koi were all over the blasted place, as if a chainsaw ripped through them. Suddenly, I heard fluttering and frightened squeaking as her animals once again sped out of the house. I grumbled, being a Spinosaurus and trying to act nice was a pain in the ass.

“This must be where RD was yesterday! Says she talked to a weird lookin’ shark with some sort of funny looking tongue,” said Scootaloo as I dipped my muzzle into the pond, scavenging for the dead fish. Funny looking shark? I know all about the reptiles of the past, but the marine animals? Only a handful.

“That’s… nice or something,” I zoomed out of the pond and splashed the three fillies with water.

“What in tarnations… this water tastes funny!” Applebloom gagged as the three spat out the water.

“That’s because there was blood in there, something had eaten the fishes the day before. But who cares?” I remarked as I backed away from the cottage slowly and onto the path, the three fillies following suit.

“We care, mister! We just drank blood!” said Sweetie Belle, that was her name, as she continued gagging. I couldn’t help but manage a throaty laugh.

“Try saying that to me in front of that hydra, kid,” I responded as I was once again on the road, busy remembering the glorious moment of ripping through the creature’s flesh.

“Umm… we usually try ta bring ya into town, but Ah don’t think that’ll work for a big guy like ya…” Applebloom said as they exchanged looks, my eyes locked onto them like Stingers on enemy jets.

“Say, why don’t we bring Twilight here? Maybe she’ll know what to do with you!” said Sweetie Belle, I didn’t know what to say after that. Who’s Twilight? Some sort of a Stephanie Meyer rip off?

“Who is that, if I may ask?” I said politely, my claws trying not to wound my neck as I scratched it.

“Oh, she’s a real smart person. She knows everything!” she piped up once more. Then I saw something coming up the path, something orange.

Oh shit, I gotta hide!

“Be right… back!” I said as I stomped away into the dense foliage once more to hide from the pony whose farmland was ruined by yours truly. I kept my ears peeled for anything she says to her younger sister. They just stood there and gave their best poker faces to the cowpony.

“What are ya’ll doing out here? Ya know there’s a big lizard thingy walkin’ around in the woods and here ya’ll are!” she yelled, obviously angry.

“Sorry, sis. We jus’ came out here to do somethin’…” For once, I felt sorry for Applebloom as her sister scolded her.

“Well, then too bad! Ya’ll better get back ta’ town before something bad happens to ya!” Hmm, let’s see whether she runs away when I reveal myself again.

“Like me coming out again, miss Applejack?” I said humbly as my form broke through the forest, startling the cowpony.

“Wha-wha-what…?” She stammered as her hooves trembled at the sight of my form. I prepared myself for the greatest thing I would’ve ever done in this world.

“Boo.”

She shrieked and galloped away as fast as she could, leaving the trio and me in hysterics.

“Did you see her face?” I said while laughing, I hadn’t done something this funny for a long time.

“Ah sure did! She’s reckons she’s a brave one but lookit that! She ran away… like a chicken!” Applebloom commented on her sister. I was beginning to lighten up quite well.

“And you guys call me a chicken!” said the tangerine pegasus as she rolled on the ground, tearing up.

We eventually stopped a minute later, but still we felt the need to laugh more. “Well, that was something pleasant for once!” I declared in my oh so great Spinosaurus voice.

“I agree with that, mister!” Sweetie Belle said once more as the three eventually decided to go back to Ponyville.

“You guys are gonna leave already?” I said, rather sad that my fun was over for now.

“Sorry, mister Ethan. We gotta go, what mah sister said was true. She’s already spread th’ word about you and how dangerous are ya and she’ll probably send th’ Royal Guards after ya,” she said, gaining my interest once again. Royal Guards? So that must be this world’s equivalent of the US Marine Corps, probably minus the guns and the vehicles.

“Figures, say kids?” they turned their head for one last time. “Before you go back home for today, didja hear anymore about a talkin’ shark, besides Scootaloo?” I asked. Sweetie Belle was scratching her chin with her hoof, pondering about what I said.

“I think I did, from my sister Rarity. Says that it was quite rude and stuff, kept on saying that word… what was it again? Ah hah! It kept on saying ‘FUCK’!” The last word made me very, very unhappy. That shark had taught a young filly how to swear!

“Oh no… It seems like my world’s vocabulary has been brought to this world. Make me a promise, kid?” she nodded. “Don’t say that word in front of your elders, it’s a bad thing to speak from where I came from.”

“You can have my word for it, mister!” I smiled, this was going better than I expected. “Goodbye sir! Have a fun day!” they all said cheerfully back to Ponyville, leaving me isolated again.

I sighed, being alone was now quite stressful. “Oh Kendra, if you could hear my odd as shit voice…” I mumbled as I walked back and forth, creating large footprints in the path.  Just then, I heard the fluttering of wings. I looked back to find Fluttershy looking at me again.

“H-h-hi, mister Ethan…” she said nervously as I looked at her.

“Hey Flutters, what brings you out here? Your animals again?” I responded.

“Y-y-yes, they s-said you w-w-went to my cottage…” She said. “What did you do there?”

“About that…” I looked around, trying to find an excuse. “Um… I went fishing…?” She was staring into my soul, and I could see the fires burning in her gaze.

“B-but, they’re all dead!” I frowned.

“That was what I was wondering about, what ate them? Seemed like someone came over and sawed them to tiny bits.” I asked, curious about the pieces of koi in her pond.

“I-it was that shark… He ate them, Rainbow was watching him all that time. Poor Rainbow…” I grimaced, the fillies had a similar experience with the hydra and me.

“Well, you can’t live life without doing somethin’ pretty disgusting,” I replied as best as I could.

“But they didn’t deserve it!” she raised her voice.

“And so did I! I never deserved coming to this place!” I replied, suddenly angry. “All I ever wanted was to relax for the rest of yesterday but no! I had to tell a bitch and her son to fuck off and here I am! Stuck in a land of… FUCKING PONIES!” I roared with all my lungs. I was pretty sure that made my point, but also attracted a fair bit of attention.

“S-sorry, sir! I didn’t mean to make you a-angry… again.” She mumbled, on the verge of crying. I felt bad, like really bad.

“Oh no… I’m sorry too Flutters,” I apologized to her solemnly, hoping I didn’t hurt her feeling all too badly.  “I can’t really control my anger surges that well…” I explained.

“It’s o-okay, sir. Do you want me t-to leave you a-alone now…?” I shook my head in dismay.

“No, don’t. I just don’t feel right alone for now,” I replied, my hidden side now responding to her instead of my unstable side.

“O-okay…” She took a seat next to my foot as I lowered myself down. I was hungry again and I had a feeling she heard my stomach rumble. “Oh no…”

“Don’t worry, I won’t eat you, although I have to find something else though…” I replied to my stomach as I grew warmer due to the sun being absorbed through my sail.  Just then, I saw a blue blur, or just a blurry speck, soar through the sky.

“Fluttershy! We heard something really loud! What was that- the blue thing looked at me, and I looked back, very ticked off with that expression she was giving me. It was another pegasus, who had a very peculiar rainbow mane like the orb that brought me here. “Oh no, you ain’t eating my friend here!” She sped towards me, and I got up to face this hotheaded pegasus.

“Go ahead, try and hit me,” I taunted her as she was now eye to eye with me. She actually punched me in the snout, but that didn’t even hurt at all. What I responded was with the slow opening of my mouth, causing her to back away. Then a powerful snap followed, scaring her out of her wits.

“And that’s what happens if you try to attack me again,” I growled, the pegasus was now lowering herself next to Fluttershy who was standing a fair feet away from me.

“Rainbow! Why did you do that? Y-you might’ve died horribly!” Flutters said to this ‘Rainbow’

“He might’ve eaten you! I mean, look at the amount of teeth he has! It like that shark again except he’s standing in front of you!” she yelled back, causing my anger to flare up again. If I wanted to eat her, I would’ve done so already, you twit!

“If he did, why is he just standing there then? You should ought to apologize to him, he’s a really nice guy if you treat him properly…” she replied back, trying to defend me in light of my attempt to chomp her.

“Why should I? He’s evil! Dangerous!” That’s it, I’m fucking tired of that same and untrue word.

“IF I WAS DANGEROUS, YOU RAINBOW HEADED FUCKTARD, I WOULD’VE ALREADY EATEN THE BOTH OF YOU!” I roared once again, even louder than the last time. That worked, as Miss Defender backed down and curled up into a ball.

“Don’t eat me!” she said, clearly frightened at my outburst.

“Then just shut up about me being evil! I’m just a regular guy who happened to turn into a big fucking dinosaur!” I replied, still very ticked off at her earlier comment. I sensed other ponies coming over, not good. Not good at all.

“Rainbow?! What happened? We’re on the way!” said a voice below the path, I struggled to escape them as I lumbered away, my tail swishing back and forth. I then veered right into the foliage and instantly blended in with the trees before the eyes of the newcomers, a lavender unicorn mare and a white one accompanied by a bouncing pink pony and Applejack, could find me

Oh wow, I got so worried about nothing harmful at all! Just another bunch of ponies who think I am fucking evil! Hoo-fucking-rah! Now where’s my vodka?

“What happened sugarcube? Tha’ lizard attacked ya’ll?” I wanted to scream in agony, I am not fucking evil! Just misunderstood! But my hopes were instantly replenished when Fluttershy finally piped up.

“No! He didn’t! Rainbow just made him angry and that happened! I think it’s because you keep thinking he’s a dangerous creature of the forest but he’s not!”

“That’s because he is! You saw that talking shark and what it could do right, Rainbow?” the blue pegasus nodded, still curled up. My eyes were locked on to the six of them, one of which was swerving her head side to side as if to look for my well-camouflaged form.

“Then that… thing is just as dangerous as it!” the lavender one spoke again, I immediately assumed she was the leader of this group. I really wanted to break my cover, but then something warned me about that hyperactive pink pony…

“Where did it go?” Rainbow pointed towards where I vanished, and in an instant all of their eyes were locked onto my side. Uh oh, hopefully this disguise works!

“Oh boy! I bet it loves parties!” said the pink one, I was pretty sure at this point she only lived on a diet consisting of Red Bull and cocaine.

“And now that I think about it! It’s right over…!” Wait, she just… vanished into thin air! Where the hell did it go? I was now extremely worried, until I felt a slight weight on my neck.

“Here!” I roared in defiance, trying to shake the pink pony off.

“For the love of Mike! Get offa me!” I shrieked hideously as she held onto me like a cowboy and a bull in a rodeo. I started stampeding out of my cover, and into the open directly for the group of ponies. “I REQUIRE ASSISTANCE!” I said in my best Medic voice, hopefully the Heavy will show up and this will be all fixed.

But it didn’t, why?

“Everpony! Scatter!” The lavender one said, as they fled from my rampaging form. This lasted for an exhausting ten minutes, before I collapsed from exhaustion and my lack of food this morning.

I could only manage a lowly growl, as the pink pony jumped off me and stood in front of my snout. “Oh boy! That was fun! Can we do that again?!” she spoke to my immediate dismay.

“…No, leave me alone. All of you…” I gasped, extremely tired. The rest was now gathering in front of my snout, as well as some bystanders who was unfortunate enough to gaze upon my form.

Why did this happen to me all the time?

Chapter 5: Intros and Pink Demons

Argh, getting owned by a pink fluffy pony was not fun especially when you’re a badass carnivore.

“Yay! You deserve a party!” She yelled, bouncing on my back. I groaned in disgust and dismay. This was one hell of a way to wake up.

“For what? Almost killing your friend?” I snarled as I slowly got up, the rest of them moved back in response. I groaned, my legs felt immensely sore after that rodeo session.

“Not that, silly! For giving me a funtastic ride!” I sighed, as I reached my true height.  I shook my snout in dismay again, and stretched my short arms as far as I can.

“You called that fun? I called that fuckin’ terrible!” I exclaimed as I looked down upon them.

“Don’t be a total meanie! Have some fun!” I groaned,  this was going to be one hell of a day.

“Ahem, Pinkie I think it’s best if you back away from it. Like right now?” said the lavender unicorn. I grimaced.

“You still think I’m a dangerous beast after being bested by a pink fucking demon?” They nodded, to my dismay. “Great, just great…”

“U-um, mister Ethan?” I turned my attention to Fluttershy. “Th-these are my friends…”

“Uh huh, I figured that out when I was being used as a rodeo machine,” I remarked, still staring at the one they called ‘Pinkie’. Honestly, I think her name should be ‘Crazy Sunovabitch’ instead of something lame like ‘Pinkie’. But then again, I can’t argue with cartoonish ponies.

“S-so… you want me t-to introduce you to them…?” I nodded, nothing hurts, right?

“Umm,” she walked over to the lavender one, who I just noticed her hooves trembling. “Th-this is Twi-twilight Sp-sparkle…” Ah, so that was who she was. Luckily, she was not a vampire.

“You’re the one the fillies told me about. Nice to meet you,” I tried my best to be extremely polite, but polite isn’t exactly who I was.

“H-hi, mister…?” she stammered, obviously a small sentient being had the right to be scared in front of a prehistoric, bloodthirsty beast.

“Ethan, all of you can call me Ethan,” I grunted, hopefully this will ease their misconception about me being evil.

“Oh boy! I like this guy! Can he be my pet?!” ‘Pinkie’ said causing Fluttershy and me to groan in dismay.

“Umm, Pinkie I think that’s a bad idea to keep a talking creature at Sugarcube Corner, more or less in town,” she said, I nodded in approval.

“Use that brain of yours and think. Even I wouldn’t just wander into town like this,” I responded to the pink maniac obviously displeased at the idea of being a pet of a wacko.

“But pleassseeee? I’ll feed him everyday before he eats someone!” I grunted again, on the verge of just walking back into the Everfree.

“Look, I’m a dinosaur and you guys are ponies. What would all of react if you just saw a big fucking lizard in town? Throw flowers at it? Beg for an autograph?” I said, getting frustrated at Pinkie’s tenacity.

“Um, we did had a certain incident like that. Except it wasn’t a di-no-saur. It was a dragon, my assistant to be precise,” said Twilight. Great, now I’ve something to be worried about, a bad reputation.

“Perfect! Something else to be worried about!” I said, louder than usual.

“Jeez, I didn’t know you were so-

“Shut the fuck up! I ain’t talkin’ to you!” I roared back, causing them to cover their ears. “I’m tired, homesick and starving! Don’t torture me until I find my breakfast!” I turned around, with Rainbow hovering away from my tail, and began walking back to the forest to hunt a proper breakfast.

Meanwhile, the five of them were wondering what really ticked the big creature named ‘Ethan’ off when Fluttershy perked up.

“Y-you guys are s-so mean to him! I know he’s a predator but look what he said! He’s n-not obviously from a-around here and he o-only wants to go home…!” she said, angry at her friends.

“Chill, Fluttershy! He’s like that talking shark again! So we’ll handle him the same, right Twilight?”

“Rainbow, he’s not a shark, he’s a di-no-saur. So I think that means we have to change our plans on how to handle him,” said Twilight as she looked on to Ethan leaving the scene.

“Man, this guy makes Mike a bunny! I mean, look at him!” Rainbow said as she trailed the dinosaur into the foliage.

“Now dear, I think it’s best if we leave him alone. I don’t like forests anyway, too icky!” Rarity said, as Fluttershy stared at her in disgust.

“And all y-you think about is yourself!” she snapped. Soon after, they heard the roar of the dinosaur once again as it found itself a new prey.

“Oh no, he’s at it again…” She looked on towards the footprints left by Ethan with concern whether the large dinosaur can handle himself.

“I think we should follow him this time round, maybe we can get something out of watching him do whatever he does!” Twilight said, the rest exchanged glances before they nodded. It was risky, but worth the trouble.

Finally, something easy! I looked at the bear looking at me in terror. I wanted to sink my jaws into it the second I found it.

“You’ll make a good meal for me…” I growled, smiling maniacally at the terrified ursine.

I don’t remember what happened in the next ten minutes, but I was very full and about the bear? Completely shredded and torn to itty bits. I licked my snout in delight and began to walk towards the nearby river where I ate the hydra to clean my muzzle before I go back to the path and continue my observation, hopefully without the interruption by five irritating ponies.

“Dear Celestia, that’s worst then what the shark did to those fishes!” commented Rainbow as she threw up again, the rest looked on with disgust.

“Oh dear, I… think I’m going to- Rarity fainted dramatically.

“I told ya’ll! That talkin’ lizard is goin’ ta kill us all!” Applejack complained as they watched Ethan leave the carcass of the bear behind.

“O-oh my… Poor mister Bear….” commented Fluttershy, horrified at what her dinosaur friend was really capable of.

“Yay! I don’t want him anymore!” they all looked at Pinkie, had she finally gotten back to her moral senses? “I NEED him!” A bunch of groans were heard.

“But Pinkie! He just brutally mauled and ate a BEAR for Celestia’s sake!” Twilight said to her mentally deranged friend.

“That makes it double the NEED factor!” she shrieked in delight, then hopped out of the bush and vanished into thin air.

“Oh no, Pinkie’s going to get mutilated!” Twilight responded to the situation, the rest stood rooted in their position, still in shock at the brutality of the Spinosaurus.

“Argh! I’ll do it myself then!” she snapped and went off to find that maniac of a pink pony.

I dipped my snout into the river, happy with my breakfast. I then took this time to scold myself, this isn’t me anymore! I’m just a shell of a man, being replaced by the inside of a dinosaur!

“Please, let me return home… PLEASE!” I shouted underwater, the fishes surrounding me swam away as fast as they could. I sighed, then pulled my head out of the blood stained water, reminding myself of the hydra which was long gone.  It was then I sensed something dangerous. I turned around and scanned the area to find nothing.

“Hiya!” I roared, the pink menace was on my neck again.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT AGAIN?!” I shouted, very pissed off. How did she even track me down?

“It’s obvious, silly! I want you to be my pet! Please…?” She begged, and I shook my head.

“Fuck no! Fuck you all and fuck you especially!” I said and walked off further into the Everfree.

“Aww, don’t be a meanie! I’ll be your best friend FOREVER!” I shuddered, even for a man like me, this made the strongest scared. I was dealing with a goddamned psycho!

“NO! AND THAT IS FINAL!” I shouted again, stopping to shake lose the pony.

“Please? Pretty please?” her face was now directly staring into my soul. The fluffy mane, the ridiculousness of her coloring and her fucking eyes made me want to puke.

“No, no and no!” I shouted as she continued to stare into my soul. “I will not be your damned pet! I just want to go back home!”

“PLEASE?” Oh no, she was doing her own damn version of Fluttershy’s puppy eyes.  Why torture me? Why don’t you torture that damned shark?

I roared once again, and opened my maw. She didn’t react.

“Ooh! Nice teeth you have!”

“Go… away… now,” I growled, ready to gut her into two.

“Not until you become my bestest friend! You and Gummy can be brothers!” Who the fuck is Gummy? Some sort of mental projection for herself?

“Who’s Gummy? Anyway, it’s not like I…fucking care!” I wanted to chomp her head off like right now.

“My pet ‘gator! Silly! That’s why I wanted you as my pet! You and him can do lots of amazing brotherly stuff!” What? She kept a alligator as a pet? No wonder why she wants me that badly.

“And my final answer is…” Her eyes opened wide at the prospect of me being her slave forever. Then I struck, my jaws snapped shut. Hopefully it caught that bitch. “In my stomach where you belong!”

“Whoa! Nice bite force you have there!” What the fuck? I thought I killed her!

“Where did you go?!” I screeched in rage. At this stupid revelation, I did the only logical thing I could do to get away from a living breathing pink fluffy demon.

Fucking run.

I panted heavily, my footsteps could be heard almost a mile away as I crashed through the dense foliage hoping to lose the pink predator in the process. It took my five minutes before I reached the border of town, my form now very, very visible. But I didn’t care until she lost her interest.

“Hah! Look who’s the losing one!” I taunted, and that was the worst thing I could ever say on the border of Ponyville.

Great, I blew my hours of efforts to stay undetected.

It caused several far away ponies, one mint colored and one very familiar red stallion, to look at my direction. All it took was three seconds before I heard their screams of fear as they dropped everything they had and were doing to get away from me. But I was going to be screaming in fear too as I heard her voice next to my ears.

“You are!”

WHY?!

Kendra sat in the security room in disbelief, watching the video clip of when Ethan disappeared. It showed him pulling out the ladder from the janitorial room, climbing up the ladder saying something incomprehensible and then his hand reaching out for the glowing orb.

Then just like that, he was enveloped in a flash of light and was gone from this plane of reality.

She didn’t know what to do, but to die silently inside. He was her best friend in this museum and she didn’t even acknowledged his attempts to woo her.

And now she regretted it, for her friend was gone for probably an eternity. This only left her two choices, either to call the police or dial up an old friend for comforting.

She choose the second one, the former she didn’t pick was because the cops would most likely call her a psycho and dismiss the case as a joke.

Scrolling through the list of numbers on her Nokia, she finally found the friend she was looking for. Clicking the number, she eagerly awaiting for his response.

“’Ello, this is Dave ya talkin’ to. Sorry, am a little busy with sum' stuff so leave me a message!" She wanted to sob, her second option was gone like that. But then a crazy idea popped up in her head.

Something that will change everything, and will most likely to drive her mad. What if she touched it too? And what if that brought him home? She paused and went back out to the display, the object still there. Locking the door and hanging up the keys, she prepared herself for something she would never do unless her friend was in great danger.

And he was.

Chapter 6: Shark, Sadist and Spinosaurus

I screeched in terror, causing more and more of the ponies up ahead to freak out and flee. The pink menace just wouldn’t stop chasing me on her relentless quest to turn me into her pet! So I fled once again, stopped to check whether she had disappeared and continued running whilst trying to not thread a single foot more into the town.  I had bad enough luck, but freaking out the local populace of  colorful, talking and smart-assed ponies is worst.

I wanted to cry, as much as it stupidly sounds so but I think crying is the best choice for now. I reached the river again in about fifteen minutes, and I think I lost her-

Jesus Christ, she’s still on my tail?!

“Heeeeeeeeey Ethan! Come out, come out wherever you are!” she cooed, to my disgust.

“Oh shit!” I continued stampeding my way around town, and back into the Everfree. I was now very sure she had lost me in town. But then again, who in the hell can lose a big, meat eating dinosaur?

I reached the river once again, this time there was only silence. No fillies, no bears, no hydras and not even birds. I wondered what made it so serene, but I was going to change it as I slowed down and eventually lowered down myself.

Tired, so tired. I looked at myself in the reflection of the river only to find the snout of a Spinosaurus staring back at me. I wanted to be human, whatever it took. It was then I felt dry and thirsty for some reason, most likely because I spent my morning roaring and running from a pink psycho.

I then realized a part of something I never bothered about. How the hell do I drink? Lick the water like a mangy hound or do I drink it like how I did as a human? I decided to try this out, I wouldn’t drown by drinking would I?

I plunged my snout into the water, and found that it actually works. I felt better the instant I felt fresh, probably muddy water seeping down my throat. But then, I felt something fast move around in the water. Something large, and something… fishy?

I looked to my left, and in the moment I spotted a shark fin about a few meters away. This could be platter, or this could be that shark.

I continued drinking, watching the fin slice the water like a torpedo. I knew that it was heading right for me, so when it came a bit closer I withdrew my snout from the violated water and aimed it at the shark. Little did I know this was a pretty smart shark, as it detected the disturbance and backed away.

Then its head popped out of the water, at that instant I saw a very odd looking lower jaw. Like a chainsaw and a rollup combined, I scrounged around my head to identify what creature is this. All that paleontologist stuff rolled around in my head, and it was then that word came out of my head.

Helicoprion. That was it, a Helicoprion. Right there in that river, looking at me as if I was some kind of a mentally handicapped dinosaur.

“Yo! You gonna eat me or what, asshole? I’ve been through enough and here I fucking am! In front of a dick licking Spinosaurus!” Never have I been so offended, by this fucktard of a shark.

“And you can keep that rollup of a joke shut and swim back, you pussy eater!”

“Faggot!”

“Dickface!”

“Asshat!”

“Fishdicks!”  This was going on for a reaaaaaally long time, so sit back and enjoy the music of Coldplay.

We’re done after five more minutes? Good! It dived back into the water for a fresh quickie and came back up to greet me with another batch for foul mouthed commands.

“So fucker? What’s your goddamned name? Eaten?” I wanted to eat him, choke him and just fucking end his life. No one has ever treated me with such disrespect, fucker.

“Close to that! What’s yours? Microscopic Penis?”

“That’s also very close, you snouted bastard!” I wanted to shriek in agony, frustrating piece of snack.

“Oooh! A swearing competition!” Oh no, she’s found me.

“Oh, it’s you again! What do you fucking want from me?”

“This is my problem, so stay outta this, you prick!” Last straw, last straw….

“Go ahead then! I don’t care because I’m a goddamned shark! Like I’m supposed to care!” it dived back into the water, swimming away and leaving me with the psychotic piece of candy.

“Wow! Mikey there was pretty mean to you! Wanna try some of my cupcakes to cheer your poor, egoistic soul?” I silently cried, I’m not egoistic, just fucking homesick.

“No thanks, bitch. Just leave me alone….” I said, my snout hanging low.

“Waaaaaait a minute, did you say you didn’t want to try my delicious cupcakes…?” I felt something very terrifying emerge from that coat of candy. “Did you…?” she snarled, I noticed her hair turn straight and she immediately became a whole lot more greyer. What the fuck did I just do?

“Now listen-

“Hush! I shall do the talking, you keep that trap of yours shut!” I don’t know why, but I did what she said. Damn, she looked creepy as shit.

“Now listen up, pet. We speaking the saaaaame language here, but not reaaaally the same. All I want is for you to be my personal pet to my torture buddy, Gummy and maybe I won’t show you how I make my cupcakes in my basement. We clear…?”

My turn. “Now listen to me, you leave me alone before I make pink, fleshy pony strips that I will force feed to your friends and that alligator of yours? He will be part of my sister’s handbag collection, his eyes are the decorations. Now are you clear?” I said, my unstable side got way too far for this one. I don’t even have a sister! Well, Kendra was like a sister but who cares?

“This is why I like you so much…. Ethan…” she cooed maniacally.

“And this why I hate you ponies so much… bitch,” I replied, trying to stand up.

“Do you really want me to show you how I make cupcakes?” Wait a minute, is that a knife she’s pulling out of her back? And is that blood or tomato?

“Do you want me to slowly eat your body parts while you’re still breathing?” I threatened back. Spinosaurus to a sadistic and insane pink pony, who will win?

“That sounds fun…” she said back, I was now legitimately terrified inside.

“Then you can kindly go fuck yourself with that knife,” I responded to that knife she was now holding and began to walk away with a grin on my face. I have beaten the odds and won an argument with a sadist. What more?

For a moment, she looked pretty sad but I don’t care. She can bawl herself until she’s out of tear juice because she pretty much tried to murder me.  But I’m a dinosaur, and dinosaurs take no orders, right? I continued walking until I reached a rocky outcropping, where I rested for a bit.

Today couldn’t get anymore worst.

There was silence at Sweet Apple Acres today, as Applejack was busy with her vendetta against the dinosaur. But today, what happened in the past was going to happen again. In front of a group of a familiar trio of fillies.

“You think mister Ethan’s gonna be alright, Applebloom?”

“Ah think he’ll be a-okay, he’s a pretty cool guy and stuff, Ah bet nothin’ will beat his jaws!”

“Yeah! Those awesome looking jaws and that fancy sail he has! Isn’t that cool!?”

“Yeah, pretty cool…” Sweetie Belle was still a little terrified of Ethan. He wasn’t all that bad, but he still is a predator according to what he told them.

There was a loud boom right in front of them in the sky, then a large silhouette of a large creature fell through the air, crashing down onto another unfortunate bunch of trees, and nearly on top of the fillies.

“Whoaaaaaa- they coughed, as they tried to see what was in this particular cloud of dust it kicked up.

It groaned, similar to how Ethan did when he first came but with a slightly more feminine voice. It stood up, revealing it to be a little bit smaller than Ethan, but still at a considerable height. It then turned its head towards the three fillies who stood their ground, having faced a talking creature larger than this.

So it was no surprise it could talk right? “Oh my! That…. Is the most adorable thing I have ever laid my… eyes on?”

“HOLY FUCKING BALLSACKS OF HITLER AND STALIN! THIS MAY BE COOL OR THIS MAY BE THE WORST THING EVER!”

Chapter 7: Irritating to the Max

I sat at the rocky outcropping, still wondering where that pink, sadistic piece of shit fluff went. The shark too, seeing as there was a river in town. Where the fuck did he fuck off to? I hated it the first time I saw his bulgy nose pop out of the water. I just wanted peace and serenity, and I doubt I would find it anywhere in this land of… colors, especially with that bitch who is most likely crying her deflated ass out.

Actually, I felt a little sad for her. She just wanted a party, maybe I should go back and say sorry? Never mind that, she implied that she was nuts in the head anyway. I looked around, my snout wavering as I did. I then heard a slight rustle in the bushes beyond and I promptly spun to look who it was, only to find a purple unicorn with her mane frazzled stumbling out of it.

Oh no, not Twilight. Anyone but Twilight, except Applejack of course.

“There you are! You nearly caused a storm!” She gasped for air and I just stared at her, knowing that I probably fucked up their minds with my arrival and shit.

“Yeah, so? I was trying to fucking run!” I responded loudly and angrily. I had the rights to be pissed, and let me be! “I’m so sorry that I landed here as a damn dinosaur!” For once, I just lost interest in prehistoric creatures. Fucking hell, being a dinosaur was so damn hard in SOCIETY!

“Do you want me to help or not?” Twilight said, causing me to huff in response.

“How can you even help me? I know you’re all… nerdy and shit,” I respond to her sudden throwback. “But I don’t think you can help me out that much.”

“Why not?” She responded, curious why I said so.

“Well,” I looked right and she followed. Where I was pointing was to the river just beyond those bushes, and what I meant what that asshole of a shark. “You haven’t sent him back.”

“Who’s him?” She tilted her head in confusion. Then I noticed that she wasn’t so scared of me anymore, all the better, right?

“You know,” I growled. “That fucktard shark.”

“Oooooh, him,” Twilight obviously stated. If it’s still here, then I don’t really see how I can go back to the museum. Jesus, the kids say you’re a freaking genius, how the fuck can you not bring both of us where we belong? “Well… I kinda… Ummm…”

“Well,” I replied, knowing that this situation was quite common in my life. I would like to confess, I am actually quite the bumbling fool. Like that time where I accidently caused an American and a Russian to brawl inside a fucking bar at midnight just because I tripped and spilled my drink on the dude, and that ‘merican just had to be there. “If you forgot or you were too damn lazy, don’t worry.”

“Huh?” Twilight responded with wonderment. Can’t you fucking see it, mare/unicorn/thing?

“I’m pretty lazy myself,” I look up at the blue skies and let out a depressing sigh, actually it was just a throaty growl.

“Oookay…” Twilight slowly said, rubbing her shoulder with her purple hoof. “So, what are you going to do now?”

That was a good question, what can I do now?

“I…actually don’t know,” I replied, putting my long clawed hand below my snout. I tried to a Thinker-kind of look but when I tried moving my legs up, I failed. Then I shuddered violently, what the fuck…?

“Whoa…shit,” I groaned after recovering from the shudders.

“What happened?” Twilight asked as she sat down on the ground, observing me with intense curiosity. “Did Pinkie do something to you?”

“That, and basically I don’t know what happened,” I respond as I got up, detecting something… I don’t know, just something, far away back at the fucking farm. That damn farm that got me into all these problems.

I then proceeded stomping throughout the Everfree, with Twilight following behind scared. “Wait! What’re you doing-

“Something’s going down at the farm!” I roar as I was being guided by a primordial instinct. Wait, I stopped consciously and snapped out of my trance to follow this peculiar feeling. I’m a dinosaur with a human brain, don’t fall into predatory instincts please!

“Hey! Why’d you stop?” I spun and faced Twilight with my snout covering her head.

“Did ever occur to you that I’m not really who I am?”

“Um… no?” She responded, at the question. I was going to tell her that I wasn’t really a dinosaur, just human.

“Well, I’m here to bring you the fucking news. I’m not a fucking dinosaur, I’m a human,” I harshly stated and huffed. If that didn’t get into her deformed skull I am going to step on her.

“Well, that’s interesting. But why did you suddenly go off like that?”

“Instincts,” I shrugged and looked back at where I presumed the farm to be. I hoped that the cowpony wouldn’t be there, or someone is going to get mutilated oh so goddamned horribly. “So are you going to follow me?”

“Follow you…? But why?” She asked me in a tone that I became quite annoyed with. I mean, it was the kind of tone you’ll hear from a bitch who wouldn’t stop talking! And even thought I appreciated the fact she was the only knowledgeable being around here, it was starting to grind my nerves so fucking badly.

“Why? I can give you two reasons,” I gruffly replied and attempted to hold up two bony, scaly claws to indicate the number. I was going to have a problem with these, seeing that Spinosaurus had only three digit hands.  “One, so that you can calm down your Texan friend if I get there. Two, you can go ahead and see what landed there, if you want to.”

“Really? Applejack’s been a little off… So I think you might’ve done it,” she responded, earning a deserved clawpalm into my face.

“No! It was fucking George Bush! Who else do you think made her fucking pissed?!” I roared in sheer frustration, how much more ignorant can you be?

“Okay! Okay…! Relax, Ethan!” Twilight stammered, as per usual any living creature that could express emotion did. “Jeez, didn’t expect you to get angry. Although you just did an hour ago…”

“Then don’t ask stupid fucking questions,” I harshly answered her back, bringing that stupid little American brat who brought me into this goddamned mess. “Unless you want me to get really pissed. Now are you following or not?”

“Of course!” She responded, as I scowled and swished my long-ass tail that brushed away some branches. I rumbled and started stomping ahead again, snapping trees like matchsticks as Twilight behind me dodged the falling branches.

“So um… Where are you from?” Finally, logical questions. After all that unnecessary and absolutely shitty problems, finally she asks me logical questions after being a fucking retard, thank God!

“Earth,” I reply. “You know that place?”

“No…” Then where the fuck am I? Pluto? Jesus, if this place was named other than Earth, I will fucking flip.

“So where am I?”

“Equestria,” I clawpalmed again while I stampeded towards Applejack’s ruined orchard. I’m asking you what planet this place is in! But it’s okay, at least now I got the horse-related name of this place.

“Uh huh, what planet am I on then?”

“Er…” Twilight responded while following me. Oh my god, if you can’t remember your own damn planet’s name, you deserved to be burnt. “…it’s Equis.”

Thank fucking god, but I still flipped inside.

“That’s interesting,” I replied as I eventually reached the edge of the forest to my joy. Yeah, joy. This feeling better be worth it, or else. Then I slowly stomped my way towards the barn when Twilight suddenly stopped me. I couldn’t blame her, since I left the cover of the forest.

“Wait! Don’t go out or else somepony might see you!”

“No shit, Sherlock,” I huffed and moved my snout left and right to observe the surroundings, to find almost nothing except for the collection of apple trees up ahead and Applejack.

I sighed, I really hope she doesn’t mind another visit. But something was deathly wrong about the orchard, something almost as big as the form I was in had just… appeared. I don’t know why, but it must be that fucking orb.

“Wait here! I’ll go get a spellbook on invisibility!” Yeah, I expected magic to come in next. What, the next thing I know is that the damn Japanese come in with high-tech shit and stuff.

God, I’m an Asian for pete’s sake. Why am I talking about myself? I shook my snout in frustration and looked down, I’ve been acting more aggressive since I came here. To be frank, it scares me a little. Why? I certainly do not want to turn into a mindless predator that will undoubtedly eat every living being here.

Even more so, if I actually make it back, will I still be mindless?

Christ sake’s, Ethan, stop thinking like a bloody redneck and think like a fucking Asian! I watched Twilight trot away like the wind, and I took this time to lower my body down to rest and recollect lost energy. How long would it take her? I didn’t know, but I felt really tired.

Irritation. That’s all I felt with what happened this morning. If I get back and there’s some sort of fucking teleporter, I will nuke this damn place.

--

“Applebloom!” Applejack yelled as she trotted into her orchard, huffing away at another thunderous boom. There she found the three fillies standing around a creature much like the earlier one. But this time, it made no attempts to move.

“Hey! What is with these darn critters invadin’ mah property?!” She groaned as she stood her ground, with her younger sister and friends looking back at her.

“Big sister! It’s another Ethan!” What Applebloom said stirred up the creature as it shook itself. Then it started to talk in a strangely higher pitched voice than Ethan did.

“…Ethan? You know him…?” It said as it attempted to take one step forward, only to trip and fall down with a great thud. “Oof! Damn… the hell is wrong with me?”

“Hey stranger!” Scootaloo called out at the Ethan look-alike and it responded with a pained look.

“Ugh… tripping on acid again if I hear a pony talking…” it mumbled under stress as Applejack grinded her teeth and adjusted her Stetson, approaching the fillies. These two days were really ticking her off, even though she was the patient one.

Especially when her dear apple trees are the one getting crunched on by huge dragon-like beasts.

“Who are ya? Another of them critters?”

“Odd angulated Texan accent… Jesus,” it rumbled as it used it arms, which were a little more flexible than Ethan’s, and lifted itself from the ground.  “I really hope that orb didn’t just fuck me up.”

“Oh! It used FUCK!” At this, Applejack shoved a hoof into Sweetie Belle’s mouth, muffling her to her dismay.

“Ah’ll let Rarity know ya been usin’ such words!”

“I might be high, but she’s kind of right,” the creature suddenly said to their surprise. “Urf… First, Ethan just disappears in the freaking museum, and now I’m here in an…”

It surveyed the environment and let out a rippling sigh of depress. “Apple orchard. How fantastic.”

Applebloom stepped out to the creature, in curiosity. “Hey!”

“Who said that?”

“Ah’m under ya!” At this, the creature looked down at Applebloom who was filled with energetic engrossment with it.

“Oh… my bad. So what do you want?”

“Um… you got a name?” The creature looked up before answering her question.

“Kendra,” it replied as Applebloom tilted her head. They all had weird names, what’s with that?

“That’s mighty fine-Applejack then trotted to face Kendra alone, interrupting Applebloom’s exclamation.

“Now that we’re all done with introducing, please get outta mah orchard,” she said, ghastly tired. “Please, ah had enough of you thangs.”

“Well, sorry for magically appearing in your orchard,” Kendra responded and tried walking again, only to stumble after two steps. “But I can’t seem to walk properly…"

Applejack sighed, another day in Sweet Apple Acres. It seems.

"...also, can I get a mirror? I feel a lot more different."