The Chroncles Of Blueblood, The Insufferable
1, Prologue: The Blueblood Retcon
(The following is a work of fan fiction based on My Little Pony:Friendship Is Magic. I am not affiliated with Hasbro and company. This work is intended to be a work of parody that complies with fair use guidelines.)
The pink filly with the fluffy mane bobbed up and down awkwardly, her face as wooden as the rest of her. "Don't you two sillies have something to say to her?" squeaked a high-pitched voice.
At the other end of the scene, a regal white stallion of noble baring and flowing blond mane spun about unmoving until he faced the small azure mare next to him wearing a wedding dress oddly decorated with a white on blue cosmic pattern of moons and stars.
The stallion and mare rammed their heads together repeatedly, comically pantomiming they were subtly consulting about something. Then they turned to face a gigantic white alicorn in the middle of the scene. "Thank you, auntie Celestia!" said a mature mare's voice doing her best stallion impression.
"You're very welcome, nephew." replied Princess Celestia with infallible sweetness.
"Yaaaay!" The pink pony and five other familiar fillies from Ponyville demonstrated no more body language than their etched smiles as they went absolutely berserk, bouncing about the scene with wild abandon. "Let's go home and suffer our horrible magic-related illnesses!" They whomped off stage.
"Well, I guess we're married now!" exclaimed the Prince Blueblood puppet.
"We are indeed!" cried the Great and Powerful Trixie puppet. "Let's make out!"
In the impromptu puppet stage assembled in a private Castle Canterlot drawing room, the two puppets were brought together dramatically and spent several awkward seconds having their wooden muzzles rubbed together as the puppeteer made wet kissing noises.
Witnessing this atrocity on the puppet stage were five thoroughly perplexed ponies.
Prince Blueblood, direct descendant of the royal bloodline and currently the laughingstock of Equestria, sat as regally as possible, eyes closed and one hoof to the side of his head as though he was nursing the world's largest headache. To him, it felt like this puppet show had been playing for well over a year, though it had really been twenty minutes.
The recently appointed royal magician was sitting beside him. She looked like she was about to be sick. "The Great And Powerful Trixie... will be in her quarters!" she blurted as she bolted from the room. "Forever!" came her retreating shout from the hallway beyond.
Hans and Fritz, Blueblood's ever-tolerant personal guard, had been assigned to watch that door during the performance, but wisely opted to let her pass.
Following the awkward vacuum created by the immediate expulsion of the towering pride that was Trixie, a younger alicorn of bluish night was the first to speak. "Why do you keep portraying me as cute in your little productions?" she asked the puppeteer.
Princess Celestia's horn was aglow, still hovering a few puppets with her as she stepped out from behind the screen. She looked at her sister and replied, "Wishful thinking?" with a demure little smile.
Princess Luna answered with a firm stare. The strong-minded ruler of the night may be a thousand years behind the times, but she was not about to become a giggling little sister no matter how much it amused Celestia to think of her as such.
A heavy groan emitted from Prince Blueblood, still nursing a headache. Princess Celestia turned to him and asked sweetly, "Did you not enjoy 'The Blueblood Conspiracy,' nephew?"
Blueblood repressed a shudder: some of the worst things his aunt had ever done to him happened while she had that voice. For example, that time he was dragged back from Ponyville, cross-country, by his ear, all the way to Canterlot. Now, this puppet show. He was at a loss as to which experience was worse.
Nonetheless, the prince opened his eyes, glared at Celestia and answered in a tone of practiced regal critique. "No, auntie, we did not. Frankly, we found your manipulation of our character appalling." He signified his point with an impressive harrumph.
"Nephew," replied the immortal ruler firmly, "I am not an appalling manipulator." She was gesturing with the Prince Blueblood puppet as she spoke and stopped as his gaze fell to it. The puppet abruptly darted behind the stage as Celestia delicately cleared her throat. "Well, you can at least trust me to know what's best for you."
Blueblood was wide-eyed and incredulous. "Chasing me through a forest with a hydra was what's best for me? Really?!"
He dearly hoped that was a part of the puppet show, but it was actually something that happened just last month. It was the end of his greatest adventure, one that started with him running away from home and ended in him returning with the only genuine love interest he ever had, a unicorn whose vanity reminded him so much of himself that he could not help but be smitten. In what had transpired on the puppet stage, Princess Celestia had claimed responsibility for their meeting, and was so rudely suggesting that Blueblood and Trixie get married that he could hardly blame the mare magician for acting sick.
Yet, how much of the puppet show was true? Did the fair ruler of their land really chase the couple through a forest with a hydra? That would explain how Hans and Fritz survived, but it seemed so outlandish that nopony would believe him if he told them. Did the elements of harmony really twist its wielders, or was Celestia just trying to get the audience to reconcile with the Ponyville six by inventing a reason to sympathize? He was rather certain that he had not seen any of them about the castle as of late, so probably not. Probably. His aunt was shrewd, he knew he would never get a straight answer out of her about what part of the show was truth and which was fabrication.
Remarkably, the prince's rigorously trained demeanor reasserted itself, regardless of how he may have been feeling at that moment. "Good day, auntie." he proclaimed dismissively, storming from the room. Hans and Fritz followed, as they had some rather specific orders not to let the prince out of their sight for awhile, and only their trained loyalty as Equestrian guardians assured they still had faith in Celestia despite the travesty of entertainment that had just transpired before them.
Celestia let Blueblood go and turned to straighten up the puppet stage for ease of transport. It was a custom prop that a few craftsponies had been sworn to secrecy in its creation. Its purpose complete, she would likely have it destroyed soon.
Luna remained in the room, still regarding her sister sternly. Finally, she spoke. "These are not your usual methods. That was cruel."
The elder princess stopped in mid-motion. Despite a fall from grace and the resulting thousand years spent sealed on the moon, Luna's critiques were one of the few that Celestia still took very seriously by virtue of being a creature who had nearly as much life experience as she, relatively speaking.
Celestia sighed and turned to Luna. "Subtlety wasn't working." The younger alicorn's stern gaze changed only by an arched inquisitive eyebrow. Celestia continued, "Our nephew is a rather special case."
"When you say special..." Luna implication was clear: it was no secret that Prince Blueblood had made complete obliviousness into a study in and of itself.
"No." interrupted Celestia firmly, "Well, yes, of course. But that's not why... all this." she gestured to the puppet stage, "There's other reasons why the prince is special. Important reasons." She smiled at Luna, like rays of light coming out from behind a cloud.
The moon was known for only one expression upon its face, and Luna was rarely anything but stern and proper even on the best of days. "Your scheming will get you in trouble one day, sister." was all she said.
Celestia walked to a nearby window and looked out over her kingdom. "Perhaps." she said thoughtfully.
Far in the distance, she could see the sun was going down.
Author's Note
I have been looking for a creative outlet as of late, and have decided to try continuing the Blueblood series that included Blueblood's Revenge, Blueblood's Redemption, and The Blueblood Conspiracy.
However, I've decided that The Blueblood Conspiracy will require a bit of a retcon. First, because the last segment of the series happened at the end of season 1, and much has happened canonically to change the relationship and personality of many of the characters. Second because, while The Blueblood Conspiracy was a fun read, it introduced some ideas that simply made things too awkward to continue the series. The elements of harmony dependency idea and Trixie and Blueblood already being married turned out to be darling ideas in need of snuffing. There's much more I could do with this retcon.
So it turns out that "The Blueblood Conspiracy" was a puppet show performed by Princess Celestia. You have to admit, that's a more amusing retcon method than, "It turned out to be a dream!"
Some might wonder at my choice to continue this series, since Prince Blueblood is hardly the most popular character for fanon. Frankly, a lot of people hate this character's guts to the point where they really do not want to give a fanfic starring him a chance, and this is a large part why I put the mane six as front and center in The Blueblood Conspiracy.
In the case of the Blueblood trilogy, I could see a great deal of potential. Blueblood remains one of the few characters in MLP:FIM who has yet to receive another canon showing that restricts how he can be portrayed in fanon. As insufferably vain blockhead as Blueblood is, not to mention a member of Equestrian royalty, I think he can turn out to be a fun character.
So here's to Prince Blueblood's pending adventures. I hope most everyone enjoys the read.
The Chroncles Of Blueblood, The Insufferable
2, In Service To The Tiara, Pt 1
A familiar barrel-chested stallion with the alabaster continence and blonde locks pranced majestically through the halls of Castle Canterlot. His ever-present personal guardsmen, Hans and Fritz, trailed not far behind, their coats as fair as the prince's, except Hans sported a simple black mane while Fritz's was slightly browner. The guardsponies manes were cut short and militaristic, hardly visible under their bronze armor.
Prince Blueblood wore no armor, but rather a perfect regal demeanor, and beneath it he was seething. His aunt, to use the honorific term of endearment for the majestic ruler of the land, Princess Celestia, had just finished explaining to him in the most demeaning means possible that he really aught to get married.
Married?! The idea seemed ridiculous for many reasons.
First, because the prince was currently the laughingstock of Equestria due to a backfiring scheme that caused the greater part of the pony populace of their fair land to witness him being dragged back to Canterlot by his ear. Who would ever want to marry him when so many they were blinded enough by scandal so as to be unable to recognize his flawless perfection?
Second, because there was only one pony he knew would be worthy of the honor of his hoof, by virtue of actually having known him and not just his reputation, but their courtship had not really begun. Given that she had towering pride nearly equal to his own, little progress had been made other than a convenient excuse for her to move into the castle.
In fact, this poor mare had been subjected to Celestia's demeaning display alongside Blueblood, and her reaction was to flee to her quarters here at the castle. Some niggling mental suggestion had managed to worm its way under the prince's nearly indomitable sense of self-satisfaction long enough to tell him that he should probably have a consultation with the castle's newly-appointed royal magician.
So it was that the prince's three pony parade came to an abrupt halt in front of the door of the royal magician, nearly causing Hans and Fritz to capsize in their heavy guardspony armor.
On one side of the door stood a unicorn mare with a vanilla coat and amber mane done up in a formal style, wearing the lacy outfit of the castle's royal maid corps. Blueblood recognized her as Primrose, the senior of the two attendants of the royal magician. The prince was not in the habit of acknowledging the existence of the help about the castle, but this one was rather difficult to ignore.
Not at all intimidated by an heir to the Celestian bloodline and his attache of two hardened troops, Primrose was currently fixing the prince a look that she would normally reserve for a particularly resistant stain on the carpet.
The prince cleared his throat. "We are here to consult with the royal magician." he stated in regal perfection.
The response was immediate, firm, and infallibly tactful. "The royal magician is indisposed at this time." Primrose was rumored to be royalty herself, although why she chose to be a maid was anypony's guess. In any case, in that one spoken line, her expertise in shutting down the request from a prince could have been the basis of a four-year case study in Equestrian diplomacy.
For a normal pony, such a flat dismissal would have been regarded as commonplace, possibly even a challenge to be overcome. The prince was unique, however, in that he had been drilled to be flawless in many regards. So flawless, in fact, that he was a rank novice when it came to life not going flawlessly. Yes, he had been utterly defeated by a simple "no" through sheer inexperience of it happening.
Thus, the prince decided it was time to delegate. "Hans, Fritz. Break down the door."
Primrose, being a mere noblemare in the lowly position of a castle maid, was determinedly smaller than the three full-grown stallions before her. But there was something strange about Primrose, an inner strength that now made itself known. Expressionless, she cast a simple glance to the two white stallions under the prince's employ. A glance that, on the surface, was quite polite. Yet, beneath the surface, she conveyed waves of doom that reeked of such utter carnage that the hardened guardsponies found themselves quaking in their armor and holding each other for support.
The prince facehoofed as only royalty whose help had completely failed him could. Then he took a deep breath, collected his thoughts (as few and far between as they were), and tried something so new and alien that it made his skin crawl.
"Please. It's important."
Primrose regarded the prince's highly uncharacteristic request with an arched eyebrow, a behemoth regarding an ant's strange quirks, but only for a second. "Very well." she said simply, and stepped aside.
Sometimes, Prince Blueblood considered hating Primrose. Only briefly, however, as he was far too busy using decades of training to conceal his terror of her. Signaling his guards to remain outside in the presence of their tormentor, he stiffly stepped through the door to consult the royal magician.
"Who dares to disturb the Great and Powerful Trixie?!" boomed the royal magician, as a heavy glass goblet flew through the air and bludgeoned the prince neatly on the nose!
Author's Note
While The Blueblood Conspiracy is basically retconned into an alternate reality, which may have inspired Celestia's puppet show, there are some elements I enjoyed from the story I'm keeping in canon, such as Primrose. Which part of The Blueblood Conspiracy is true and which part is not? That's part of the mystery!
