Star Wars Episode 1: The Cross Eyed Menace

by Dyrilby

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 2877

Star Wars... With ponies. Awww yeah.

Star Wars is being released in 3D this year, so I decided to go ahead and ponify it. I hope you ladies and gentlecolts like it.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-01-29 05:13:56 UTC

Chapter 1

Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlaying star systems is in dispute. Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Equestria.

While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict.

“Captain”, said a female voice.

The captain turned in his seat to face the owner of the voice before saying, “Yes, sir?”

“Tell them we wish to board at once.”

“Yes, sir.”

The captain opened up a communication channel with the control ship in which sat Rover.

“With all due respect for the Trade Federation, the Ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor wish to board immediately.” Said the captain of the Republic cruiser.

“Yes, yes. Ah, of course. As you know, our blockade is perfectly legal and we would be happy to receive the Ambassadors… Happy to.” Replied Rover.

Twilight looked out the main window at the battleship looming closer. Their small ship landed in the enormous main bay of the Federation battleship.

“Come on, Spike. Let’s get this over with.” She said as she disembarked the ship.

“They must be important if the Viceroy sent one of those useless protocol gearheads to greet them” said PK-4, a worker droid on the ship.

“A Republic cruiser! That’s trouble…  Don’t you think-“

“I’m not made to think.” PK-4 cut him off.

“Hello, I am TC-14 at your service. This way, please.” Said a protocol droid to Twilight and Spike.

As they walked into a conference room TC-14 said, “I hope you will be comfortable here. My master will be with you shortly.” Before bowing and backing out the door.

Once the droid had left, Spike said to Twilight, “I have a bad feeling about this.”

Twilight replied, “I don’t sense anything.”

“Don’t centre on your anxiety, Spike. Be mindful of the living Force, my young Padawan.”

“Yes, Master. How do you think the trade viceroy will deal with the chancellor’s demands?” Spike questioned.

“These Federation types are cowards. The negotiations will be short.”

Meanwhile, on the bridge of the star ship Rover yelled, “What?! What did you say?!”

The Ambassadors are Jedi Knights, I believe.” Said TC-14.

“I knew it! They were sent to force a settlement! Blind me, we’re done for!” whimpered Rover’s aide.

“Stay calm. I’ll wager the Senate isn’t even aware of the Supreme Chancellor’s moves here. Go. Distract them until I can contact Lord Nightmare.” Rover said.

“Are you brain dead? I’m not going in there with two Jedi! Send the droid.” He said before turning to TC-14 who let out a squeaky sigh.

Back in the conference room, Spike asked, “Is it in their nature to make us wait this long?”

Twilight replied, “No. I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial as this dispute,” as TC-14 walked in with drinks.

On the bridge, Rover and his aides are standing before a hologram of what appeared to be a hooded unicorn pony.

“This scheme of yours has failed, Lord Nightmare. This blockade is finished! We dare not go against these Jedi.” Said one of the aides.

“You seem more worried about the Jedi than you are of me. I am amused… Viceroy!” laughed a female voice.

“Yes, milord?” said a nervous Viceroy.

“I don’t want that stunted slime in my sight again. Do you understand?” said the hooded figure.

“Yes, milord.” Said the Viceroy before giving a fierce look to the Aide who promptly rushes off the bridge.

“This turn of events is unfortunate. We must accelerate our plans, Viceroy. Begin landing your troops.” She said.

“Ahh, my lord, is that legal?”

“I will make it legal.” She hissed back.

“And the Jedi?” he asked.

“The Chancellor should never have brought them into this. Kill them, immediately.”

“Yes, my lord, as you wish.”

Back in the ships hangar, the pilot yells, “Captain?! Look!” as a turret swings around to point directly at them.

“No! Warn-“ the captain yelled as the turret fired, destroying their ship.

Twilight and Spike leap out of their chairs, drawing their lightsabers, causing TC-14 to jump back in surprise, spilling their drinks.

“I’m sorry, sir! The Viceroy…” Whimpered the droid.

Spike and Twilight turn off their sabers and listen intently. They hear a faint hissing sound and Twilight yells, “Gas!”

They both hold their breath as the room fills up with a pale white cloud of gas.

Outside, in the hallway, a hologram of Rover appears, surrounded by battle droids.

“They must be dead by now. Destroy what’s left of them.” The Viceroy says.

As the hologram fades away, the door to the conference room opens. The droids cock their weapons as a silver droid walks out, saying “Oh, excuse me, so sorry.”

Just as the protocol droid passes the armed camp, two beams of light appear out of the fog.

All the droids are cut down in moments, causing the bridge to become a cacophony of alarms.

“What in blazes is going on down there?!” Rover exclaims.

“Have you ever encountered Jedi before, sir?” asks and aide.

“Well, not exactly, but I don’t…” he says in a panicked tone, “Seal off the bridge!”

“That won’t be enough, sir.” Says the aide as the doors slam shut.

“I want Droidekas up here now! Rover yells.

“We will not survive this…”

Outside, Twilight cuts several battle droids in half, creating a shower of sparks and metal parts. Spike raises his hand and several battle droids go flying. They make it to the door to the bridge and Twilight starts cutting through it.

Back inside the bridge, the crew is very nervous as sparks start flying off the doors.

“Close the blast doors!” Rover exclaims.

Three very thick doors close over the first one. Twilight pulls back her saber and stabs the door in the centre.

Chunks of molten metal start falling off the door, causing the aide to cry, “They’re still coming through!”

“Impossible! This is impossible! Where are those Droidekas?!”

The Droidekas roll down the hallway towards Twilight and Spike.

“Master! Destroyers!” calls out Spike.

“Offhand, I’d say this mission is past the negotiation stage.” replies Twilight.

The Droidekas begin firing at them, causing an explosion into which the Jedi disappear.

They then materialised at the end of the hall and leap into the ventilation system.

Twilight and Spike leap from a vent down into the hangar to see thousands of battle droids being loaded onto ships.

“Battle droids…” said Twilight.

“It’s an invasion army” said Spike.

“It’s an odd play for the Trade Federation. We’ve got to warn the Equestrians and contact Chancellor Trixie. Let’s split up. Stow aboard separate ships and meet down on the planet.”

“You were right about one thing, Master. The negotiations were short.”

(First chapter. I will continue this if I get positive feedback. Seeing as the Star Wars films are being released in 3D soon, I decided to ponify them. Comment, rate, tell me about any errors you fin etc.)

Chapter 2

“Sir, a transmission from the planet.” Said a pilot to Rover, the Viceroy of the Trade Federation, “It’s from Queen De Leis herself” he continued.

“At last we are getting results.” The Viceroy muttered.

On the view screen a projection of Fleur De Leis appeared, wearing an elaborate headdress and robe.

“Again you come before me, your highness. The Federation is pleased.”

“You will not be pleased when you hear what I have to say, Viceroy. Your embargo upon our planet has ended.”

“I am not aware of such a failure.” He smirked.

“I have word that the Senate is finally voting on this blockade of yours.”

“I take it you know the outcome. I wonder why they bother to vote.”

“Enough of this pretence, Viceroy! I’m aware the Chancellor’s ambassadors are with you now, and that you have been commanded to reach a settlement.”

“I know nothing about any ambassadors. You must be mistaken.”

The queen looked at him in surprise before saying, “Beware, Viceroy. The Federation has gone too far this time.”

“Your Highness, we would never do anything without the approval of the Senate. You assume too much.”

“We will see.” Fleur replied before ending the transmission.

“She’s right, the Senate will neve-“

“It is too late now.” Rover cut off the aide.

“Do you think she suspects an attack?”

“I don’t know, but we must move quickly to disrupt all communications down there.”

In the throne room down on the planet, the queen and her advisors stand before a hologram of Senator Luna.

“How could that be true? I have assurances from the Chancellor. His ambassadors did arrive. It must be the…get…negotiate…” said the senator as the hologram faded away.

“Senator Luna?!” Fleur cried out, “What’s happening?!” she queried of Captain Soarin’.

Soarin’ turned to his sergeant and said, “Check the transmission generators. It could be the Federation jamming us.”

“A communications disruption could only mean one thing: Invasion.” Said the governess, Gilda.

“Don’t jump to conclusions, Gilda. The Federation would not dare go that far.”

To this, Soarin’ said, “The Senate would revoke their trade franchise and they’d be finished.”

“We must continue to rely on negotiation.” Replied Fleur.

“Negotiation?!” yelled Gilda, “We’ve lost all communications! And where are the Chancellor’s Ambassadors?! How can we negotiate?! We must prepare to defend ourselves!”

“This is a dangerous situation, your Highness. Our security volunteers will be no match against a battle-hardened Federation army.” Soarin’ said.

“I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war.” Fleur finalised.

In the Everfree Forest, Federation transports have begun unloading their payload of MTT’s. Spike jumps out from one of them and runs into the forest to hide from the droids.

Nearby, there is a battle droid commander talking to a hologram of Rover.

“There is no trace of the Jedi on board. They may have gotten onto one of your landing craft.”

“If they are down here, sir, we’ll find them. We are moving out of the forest and marching on the cities. We are meeting no resistance.”

“Excellent. As you were.”

Meanwhile, Twilight is running through the swamp, being chased by an MTT. A young buffalo is wandering the forest, when she looks up and sees the Federation war machines rumbling closer. She sees Twilight running just ahead of them and yells, “Oh no! Hey, help me! Help me!”

“Let go!” Yells Twilight as the buffalo jumps at her, catching her by surprise.

Just as the machine is about to crush them, Twilight drops, pulling the buffalo with her. The MTT races overhead, leaving them both intact.

Twilight and the buffalo pull themselves out of the mud and watch the transport disappear into the fog. The buffalo then grabs Twilight and says, “Oh, I loves you!”

“Are you brainless?! You almost got us both killed!” Twilight yells harshly.

“I can speak.” Says the buffalo, intimidated by Twilight’s harsh response.

“The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now get out of here!”

As Twilight begins to trot off, the buffalo follows saying, “No, no! I’m going to stay! I am your humble servant!”

“That won’t be necessary.”

“Oh, but it is! The gods demand it! It’s a life debt! I’m Little Stronghorn!”  She said as there were two explosions in the distance, “Oh no! We’re gonna-“

Twilight used her magic to force him to the ground before drawing her saber and yelling, “Stay down!”

Her head popped up and she finished, “Die…”

Two flying vehicles are chasing Spike along the forest floor, shooting lasers at him as Twilight activates her lightsaber and deflects the bolts back at the droids, blowing them both up.

“Sorry, master, the water fried my weapon.” Said Spike, pulling out his lightsaber to hand to Twilight, who inspects it.

“You forgot to turn the power off again, didn’t you?”

Spike sheepishly nodded before saying, “Sorry, master. It won’t happen again.”

“Let this be a lesson for you, young Padawan.”

Little Stronghorn jumped out of the mud and exclaims, “You saved my life again!”

“What’s this?” Spike asked.

“A local. Let’s get going before more droids show up.” Replied Twilight.

“More? More, did you say?” Little Stronghorn cried, trying to keep up with the Jedi, “Excuse me, but the safest place would be Apploosa! It’s a safe town!”

“A town?” Twilight asks.

Little Stronghorn simply nods.

“Can you take us there?”

“On second thoughts, no; Not really.”

“No?”

“It’s… embarrassing. I’m afraid I’ve been… banished. The chief would do terrible things to me. Terrible things if I go back there.”

In the distance, a loud pulsing sound can be heard.

“Do you hear that?” Twilight asks.

“Yes?”

“That is the sound of a thousand terrible things heading this way.” She continues.

“When they find us, they will crush us, grind us into little pieces and blast us into oblivion!” Spike interrupts.

“Ah. I see your point. This way, hurry!” Little Stronghorn says.

The buffalo and the Jedi run out of the forest and into the distance.

“Much further?” Twilight asks.

“We have a system in place, which allows us to transport between places in less than ten seconds flat. The device is in a cave up ahead. I’m warning you though.  Buffalo don’t like outsiders. Don’t expect a warm welcome.”

“Don’t worry. This has not been our day for warm welcomes.” Spike replied.

After utilising the device, the Jedi found themselves in the town of Apploosa. The locals scatter at the sight of the Jedi and two guards wander up to them.

“Hey there, Captain Tarpals, I’m back!”

“Oh no, not again. You’re going to the chief. You’re in trouble this time!” Said the captain, prodding her with a power pole.

Inside the chief’s room, a circular bench is filled with important townsfolk, all there to decide their fate. Twilight and Spike walk into the centre to face Chief Thunderhooves, who is on a bench higher than the others.

“You can not be here. This army of machines is no reason for you to have entrance to our town.” The Chief uttered in a slow monotone.

“The droid army is about to attack the Equestrians. We must warn them.” Twilight said.

“We do not like the Equestrians. And they do not like us. They think they’re so smart and better than us. They think their brains are so big.” The Chief continued.

“Spike butted in saying, “After those droids take control of the capital, they will come here to control you.”

“No, I don’t think so. We scantly talk with the Equestrians and never with outlanders. The machines will not come here. They know nothing of us.”

“You and the Equestrians form a Symbian Circle. What happens to one will affect the other. You must understand this.” Spike continued.

“We do not care about the Equestrians. This is untrue.”

Twilight then waved a hoof infront of him and said, “Then speed us on our way.”

“We’re going to speed you on your way.”

“We need transport.”

“We will give you a train. The fastest way to get to the Equestrians.”

“Thank you for your help. We go in peace.”

As the Jedi go to leave, they notice Little Stronghorn in chains to one side, awaiting his verdict. Twilight stops walking as she gives her a forlorn look.

“What is to become of Little Stronghorn here?” Twilight asked.

“She has broken our laws. She is to be punished.” Chief Thunderhooves replied.

“She has been a great help to us. I hope the punishment will not be too severe.”

“She is to be pounded unto death.”

“I have saved her life. She owes me what you call a  ‘life debt’.”

“Stronghorn… You owe this pony your life?”

“Erm, yes?” Little Stronghorn replied.

Twilight once again waved her hoof infront of the chief and said, “Your gods demand that her life belongs to me now.”

“Her life is yours, outlander. Begone with her!”

Meanwhile, the Viceroy of the Trade Federation is standing before a hologram of Darth Nightmare.

“The invasion is on schedule, milord.”

“Good. I have the Senate bogged down in procedures. By the time this incident comes up for a vote, they will have no choice but to accept your control of the system.”

“The Queen has great faith the Senate will side with her.”

“Queen De Leis is young and naïve. You will find controlling her will not be difficult. You have done well, Viceroy.”

“Thank you, milord.”

After the hologram fades away, and aide says, “You didn’t tell him about the missing Jedi.”

Rover replies, “No need to report that, until we have something to report.”

The Queen watches helplessly fro, a window in Canterlot as the droid army marches through the streets, followed by a transport carrying Rover and his entourage.

Rover says to himself, “Ah, victory.”

The Jedi and the buffalo exit the train after arriving in Canterlot.

“Drop your weapons!” A mechanical voice calls out.

Twilight and Spike make short work of the droid and its squad, before leaving the station and running up to Canterlot proper.