I Want to Come Inside, Rainbow Dash!
Or; 'Why the Comma Is Important in the English Language - A Literary Study', an absolute butchery of fiction written by writer
You've tried pressing her button. You've tried it several times, in fact.
Thud!
Your weight slams into the polished wood.
A gasp reaches your ears. You've frightened her with your brutality.
But she doesn't breathe a word beyond your first, savage lunge. There's no cry to stop, or to wait. So after a few seconds you do it again.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
It's not long before you settle into a gentle rhythym, leaning back and forth in a gentle rocking motion.
Thud, thud, thud, thud.
You continue this way for a short time, but it's not long before the lactid acid in your limbs drowns your concentration. With a snort of frustration and a little shiver, you empty your reserves of energy, and throw your back into it, driving your whole weight behind the appendage.
Thudthudthudthudthudthudthud.
“I'M COMING, I'M COMING!” Screams the mare at the top of her voice.
About bloody time, you think to yourself angrily.
You continue belting your fist against her front door with all the strength you can muster. Just because she's been making you wait for like, five minutes.
“SERIOUSLY, JUST GIVE ME A SECOND!” Yells the mare again. You hear her hoof-steps and voice grow in volume as she approaches the front door. “Sweet Celestia, why can't ponies just wait?!”
You hear the sliding of several locks, and the door creaks open an inch. Below the golden chain that keeps it from going any further are a pair of irate amethyst eyes, glaring at you.
“What the hay is...” the mare pauses, and her eyes narrow slightly in recognition. “Oh. It's you.”
“Rainbow?” You say, half-unsurely.
“No,” says the mare, sarcastically. “I'm just the maid. What do you want?”
The remark stings you, but you play along all the same. There was no sense in making her upset.
“I'd like to come inside, if I could.”
The purple eyes blink once.
“Rainbow Dash doesn't want to speak to you right now,” the voice replies, sulkily.
You falter inwardly. You weren't speaking to her already?
Suddenly, it all clicks.
The stern, teacher's dialect that seems to radiate 'you are an idiot' without trying. The pair of sharp, inquisitive, amethyst eyes. That wasn't Rainbow. But it had to be one of her friends. From a vague memory of meeting them all a few times, it was probably the nerdy one, with all the books and the dragon pet manservant thing...
You find yourself frowning.
Rainbow's eyes were... green, right?
“Please, Twilight,” you say, feeling the corners of your mouth begin to twitch in despair. “Please. Can I just come inside?”
“No,” the studious mare replies, confirming your lucky guess at a name. “Go away.”
“Not even just once?” you whine.
“No.”
“I promise I'll be quick! In and out, no harm done! I just want to talk to Rainbow for like, one second.”
“No!” the unicorn mare says, her voice breaking a little in irritation. “You didn't buy Rainbow Dash a Hearts and Hooves present. She's really, really upset, and she really doesn't want to talk to you right now!”
“Not even for me to apologise?”
"No!"
You let out a long groan, rubbing a hand across your forehead.
“Damn. Yeah, I knew this plan would come back to bite me. See, I wanted to surprise her, so I told her I didn't have anything, because it hadn't arrived yet, so –”
“Uh-huh,” Twilight cuts you off. “Real good excuse. 'It's still in the mail?' Do you seriously think I'm going to believe that?”
“Well you should, because it's true.”
You find yourself peering through the doorcrack and around the annoyed unicorn, looking for your would-be girlfriend.
“Is she even in there!?” You say, feeling your irritation beginning to rise. Had you really just spent half an hour punching the hell out of Twilight's front door for no reason?
The mare closes the door even further, blocking your vision and reducing your communication from a scowling, purple unicorns' face to half of a scowling, purple unicorn's face.
“HEY! No peeking!” she snaps. “She's not in here. Now go away!”
“Since when were you her negotiator?!” You snark back, angrily.
“I,” Twilight declares, putting a hoof to her chest, “Am her friend. Friends stick up for friends.”
“Did you read that one in a book, too?” you reply in a droll, sarcastic tone. The hotheaded temper that had made you an ideal match for rainbow was getting the better of you.
Almost immediately, though, you find yourself regretting your decision. The purple eyes narrow even more, tightening to a leer so full of contempt it could only be described as 'Clint Eastwood'.
“Look,” you say. “I'm sor–”
“I don't like you,” Twilight says, very quietly and very simply.
“Why?” You say, frowning. You need to know. She's been treating you with some degree of cold unfriendliness ever since you stopped going out with Rainbow Dash, but still continued to live with her.
And, on occasion, continued to knock boots with her as if you were still a couple.
It wasn't your fault she bragged about it, though.
The purple eyes blink once.
“Rainbow Dash should be in a proper relationship. You're using her.”
“No I'm not,” you say, folding your arms and scowling. “We're just friends. We tried having a relationship, and it didn't work, so now we're back to being just friends. On her request. I respect that."
“Yeah, so you say, sleazebag,” she deadpans. “I think you're a total sleaze, by the way. So does Rarity.”
Inwardly, you reel. Had you really come off so badly on the fashionista that she thought of you as a sleaze and nothing else? What about your mutual dislike of rap and love of stripes? She'd totally said they looked good on you.
“Yeah, well,” you say, taking a moment to fish for a response, “I think you're a nerd.”
Behind the door, the mare gasps a little.
Internally, a very small part of you chides you for putting one in her heart. You knew she was very self-conscious.
The bigger part of you simply ignores the scrutiny, shrugging. What? It was true. And she was such a control freak! And she called you a sleazebag! And, don't forget - a real nerd would not shy at being called a nerd. Especially by a nerd such as yourself.
“I... w-why would you say that?” Twilight says, her voice peaking into a stammering squeak.
“You live in a library,” you point out truthfully. “A hollowed out treehouse. Filled with books. And you study friendship.”
“What's wrong with that!?” comes the indignant reply.
“Well, most ponies don't need to study how to be friendly,” you add.
“I... she's at Applejack's b-barn,” Twilight's cracking voice says, with a sniffle. “Now go away!”
“Thanks!” you say, turning and jogging away happily. Twilight promptly bursts into tears.
“Go buck yourself!” she cries, flinging the door shut with a loud bang.
You pause for a moment.
Knock, knock, knock. You rap swiftly on Applejack's barn door.
“It's open!” comes the reply.
Bracing yourself, you grab one of the barn door handles and pull.
Clunk. The door stays shut. You try once again with the same result, and then with both hands on the handle. You even use up some of your super-strength, but the door remains solidly shut.
“It's stuck!” You yell, ceasing your efforts so you can hear her distant response.
“Try the other way!”
“What?”
“The other way! Push it the other way!”
You frown in confusion. AJ's barn door doesn't swing that way?
You push instead of pull, and are rewarded by the immediate feeling of the door shifting. But not for long. With a solid thunk, you realise that the wooden crossbar to stop the animals from escaping is still in place, its hard length barely visible from between the crack proffered to you in the doorway.
“Is there a back door I can use?” you shout through the gap.
“What?” the voice of Applejack cries incredulously, the scowl on her face almost audible. “Y'all ain't comin' in mah back door. Jus' a sec, let me just finish myself off and I'll open 'er up for ya.”
You hear the crossbar slide away, and the door opens inwards. An orange earth-pony stands in the doorway, replacing the dusty stetson atop her head and smiling.
“Sorry there, pardner,” she says, looking up. “Now what can ah do...” Her smile and voice drop, accompanied an unamused glare.
“Oh. It's you.”
You sigh. The same reaction twice in a row. Clearly Rainbow has already been here, and despite your hopes that Applejack would be less snappy, you've hit the ground running in the opposite direction. But there's still a decent chance that Applejack would be more reasonable, even if she wasn't in the best mood, so you persevere nonetheless.
“Yeah, hi,” you say, running a hand through your hair. “Um, is Rainbow around?”
“Maybe,” Applejack replies, leaning against the doorway with crossed forelegs and looking sceptical. “Who's callin? Is it the nice guy who started goin' out with her, or the jerk he became?”
You sigh.
“Listen, about that...” You falter under AJ's withering gaze.
“Y'all know ah said Hearts and Hooves is a big deal for her, right?”
You sigh.
“Yeah.”
“What with the whole 'special somepony' thing goin through everypony right now... even Big Mac's goin' out on some silly date with that schoolteacher.” she grimaces, rolling her eyes. “Anyway. Ah also told ya all mares really love hearts and hooves, too.”
“Except for you.”
The farmer shrugs.
“Nah, I jus' hate the celebration. It's commercialisation at its finest, not any stuff about real love. But ah ain't complainin'. Ah get a lot of orders for sweet cider this time o' year.”
You've never even heard Applejack say 'commercialisation' before, but you can agree with her sudden capitalistic spirit.
“...But really," she says with a snort. "What in the hell were y'all playin' at, not getting her a gift?”
You jump on the rhetorical question before the farmpony can continue her angry tirade.
“I did! I did get her a gift! I baked her a cake, and I thought of something nice to say to her, and I even bought her a present.”
Applejack blinks once or twice, her eyes widening a little in confusion.
“Beg yer pardon?"
“I baked. I cooked. I went out and did something nice,” you confess. “It's kind of a thing of mine. I cook for people I care about.”
“That ain't what she told me,” Applejack replies. "She said you didn't get anythin' for her."
“That's because I hadn't given it to her yet,” you complain. “She practically jumped on me this morning, like a kid on hearthswarming morning, and –”
“Begged you for your package?” Applejack says, frowning.
“Yeah. That's right. But the whole present wasn't ready yet – the gift itself was still in the mail. So I said I didn't get anything, and she just blew up at me!”
Applejack winced. “Well, that's our Rainbow,” she says with a sigh. “But y'all are stupid.”
“Tell me about it,” you say, agreeing with both parts of her statement. “Anyway, a mailpony dropped by yesterday and let me know that it had been delayed until this evening. I'm going by to pick it up now, but first I have to find her.”
Applejack's expression lifts somewhat, though the gap between sullen and bemused isn't one you'd consider difficult to jump over.
“Is she actually hidin' from ya?” she asks, wrinkling her nose up in what resembles a ponified, close-lipped grimace.
“Yes!” You say with another sigh, flinging your hands up. “Well, I really just wanted to talk to her face to face, and tell her...” you pause, unsure of how best to express yourself. “And tell her that she really means a lot to me. And why we should get back together again. Properly.”
Applejack pauses for a second too, her eyes narrowing somewhat as she considers your words.
“Are you tellin' the truth?” she asks. “Cause ah ain't got tahme ta play games,” Applejack says cautiously. “Meanin' no offense, of course. Ah just watch out for mah buddies is all. So y'all better not be tryin' to hurt Dash.”
“I won't hurt her." You say breathlessly. "And I swear it's true. I can't lie to you, AJ.”
Applejack purses her lips, nodding sagely.
“Ah understand. Ah've always thought you were honest, and you've always respected me, and ah appreciate that.”
You decide to keep the fact that she was element of honesty and therefore literally impossible to lie to to yourself.
“How're ya gonna speak to her if she's avoidin' you?” Applejack says, with a frown.
“I was hoping you could tell me where she was. I'm assuming she's not in there?” you say, gesturing to the barn's red interior.
“No, she isn't,” AJ replies. “She left a bit earlier, after tellin' me how you were such an idiot for tryin' to tell her to 'calm down' for half an hour.”
“Well, I did try,” you say, feeling a little perplexed that you're discussing your relationship with Rainbow with a mare you didn't know too well. “But she just kind of got angry and slammed the door on me. Then I hung out for ages, and she wouldn't let me come inside, so...” you shrug. “Took me ages to figure out that she'd actually left the house.”
“Don't tell me y'all went and tried puttin' your cake through the back door or somethin' crazy,” AJ says flatly.
“Yeah, I did. I tried to put it through the mail slot, too.”
Applejack sighs, pinching the bridge of her muzzle with a hoof.
“It's way too big fer' that! Ya might as well have tried to put a hand through the mailslot to unlock the back door.” She mimes the act, and you nod your understanding.
“Yeah, but shy of breaking a window and leaving it for her, I couldn't think of a way to give it to her. And I want the gift to get to her intact. All of it. The cake, the gift and the card. The card's the really important bit.”
“So you got her a card, too?” Applejack says, looking curious. “What's it say?”
“Nunya.”
Applejack blinks once or twice, confused.
“Nunya?...” she repeats.
“Nunya damn business,” you say with a grin.
The mare scowls again.
“It's just a fruit cake,” you say. “And I won't say why, but the card and reason for the gift is... private.”
“A fruit cake?” Applejack repeats. “Oh yeah, is that the one I gave y'all the raisins for?”
You nod, and Applejack 'aahs' her understanding.
“Ah see, ah see. Well, with that all said, ah can definately believe ya. You've had this planned for while, haven't ya?"
You nod vigorously. Applejack uncrosses her forelegs and taps a hoof to her chin in a thoughtful sort of way.
"Hmm. Ah figure can tell ya where she is then, seein' as how you ain't so bad an' all that.”
Where is she? You lean forward with bated breath. Applejack smiles and leans forward conspiratorially.
“She's at her house, ya big dummy,” she says, winking. “Y'know, where she sleeps.”
“Oh.” You frown a few moments later, after realising you'd been insulted. “Hey!”
“Next!” yells the postal worker, causing you to jerk awake.
You'd been here for the better part of an hour, and you lunge on the chance, diving forward and onto the counter with such rapacity that the mare behind it looks rather intimidated.
“Name?” she says, giving you a strange look.
You state it. The mare vanishes into a back room for a moment before coming back, a rather small package in one hoof. She plops it on the table, and hands you the forms to accept it.
“Sign here, here, and here,” she says distractedly, observing the letter. “That's... a pretty small package. Who's it for?”
“My girlfriend.”
The postal mare gives you a dubious look.
“Do I want to know?”
You deposit a small bag of coins onto the desk before leaving, muttering something about size not mattering.
Rainbow Dash's house was always a chore to get to without wings. Mercifully, though, Pinkie Pie had had the good grace to loan you some helium balloons, and Rainbow hadn't removed the protective enchantments that stopped earth creatures from plummeting through her sky garden.
As you run up to the front door, you take a moment to catch your breath.
It's all the more surprising when Rainbow Dash's door opens without you knocking on it, revealing you standing there, panting, with one hand on your knee and the other on the door buzzer.
Rainbow Dash stares at you coldly.
"What is it?" she snaps.
"I wanted to tell you the truth," you say, hoping to catch her off guard with something unusual. It works. The cyan pegasus' ears perk up, and you see her eyes glance down to the gift in your arms.
You explain your predicament as best you can without rambling, while being as apologetic as you can, eager to get everything out of your brain before she throws the door shut on you.
"And then I paid Pinkie Pie to get me some balloons, so I could come up and say that I did buy you a gift.” You present the present with both hands, thrusting it towards her like it's something you can't bear the thought of. “And I'm really sorry that I couldn't get it on time for this morning. I know how much this day means to you.”
Dash's focus flits from you to the card in your thumb and the present, the wrapped fruit cake shaped like a heart, and the small parcel atop it all.
“You really looked at all my friends' houses for me?” she says, her voice softening from its usual loud and brash tone.
You did a bit more then that, you think to yourself. Twilight will probably never speak to you again.
She leans down to the present and sniffs, the familiar spell of rum and spice as evident to her as it is to you.
“Fruit cake,” she says, with a sniff. “You know I love fruitcake.”
“You are a fruitcake,” you say quickly.
A small giggle escapes Dash's mouth, and she quickly stifles it, glancing up at you to see if you noticed.
Indeed you did.
“It was the second thing you ever told me you loved,” you say, meeting her gaze. “Not just liked, but loved. We both like rum, too.”
Dash isn't sure how to reply to that. She just keeps looking at you, a range of unsure emotions playing across her face.
“Read the card,” you say, gesturing to the envelope.
Dash plucks the card from your hand, slitting it open and producing the card from within.
“A train?” She says, frowning a little at the card's strange shape, before opening the it and reading it.
“To Rainbow Dash. I choo-choo-choose you to be my special somepony...?”
Her voice shakes a little, raising a bit in pitch, and a lip-quiver slips out from under her fierce demeanour. Immediately she springs on the emotion, and you watch as the battle between softy affectionate Dash and natural badass Dash rages for control over her face.
“Aww, damnit, that is... that is... aargh!” she quickly drags a hoof across her eyes. “You're such a dork, and... and that is so cheesy!”
“I know. Are you crying?" you ask, leaning forward to peer under the hoof.
“No!” she replies stubbornly, glaring back at you with a fierce pout like a five-year-old that's been caught doing something wrong. You notice her eyes are a little pink, and not just around the irises.
Pink, you think to yourself. Her eyes are pink. Remember that next time.
“Now open the parcel,” you say.
She sets the card on her shelf beside the doorway (propped up, you notice) and grasps the parcel with both hooves, tearing away the paper.
Inside is a small cardboard box. She slips the tab open, upending it and letting two rectangular postcard-like objects drop out –
Immediately she's upon you, showering you with hugs and kisses.
“Wonderbolts tickets!?” she squeals, hardly caring that she wasn't talking to you ten minutes ago. “These aren't even available anymore! They're supposed to be sold out!”
“I know,” you say, struggling to breathe. “That was the first thing you told me you loved. That's why they took so long to get.”
Comprehension dawns on Dash, and she draws back a little from her embrace, looking reproachful.
“Oh,” she says, turning a slight hint of pink around the cheeks. “Wow. So... it was a surprise gift, then?"
You nod weakly.
"And did I just totally sorta kinda lose it over nothing?”
You smile weakly, too.
“You sorta kinda totally did. And that's ok. I just wanted to surprise you. Cause...” you take a deep breath. “Because I'm the third thing you told me you loved, and I think I feel the same way.”
Dash's cerise eyes fly skywards for a brief moment, and her shoulders heave in a deep sigh. She turns slowly, flapping out of the way and leaving the doorway vacant.
“Fine, fine,” she says, purposefully making a show out of the 'generous' act. But you can tell underneath her cool determination, she's absolutely ecstatic. Her wings are fluttering too fast, and her voice is still a little squeaky for her to be calm or cool.
No, she's happy alright. She just doesn't want to be a sap and show it.
Classic Rainbow.
“You can come inside. I guess.”
You smirk.
“Yeah, I forgive you too.”
“I'm not apologising!” Dash says defensively, shooting you a glare, albiet a slightly meek and guilty one. “I'm just... well, I was...” she pauses. “Not very good with apologising.”
You laugh a little.
“Don't worry about it,” you say, waving a hand and wiping your feet on the welcome mat.
An afterthought sails back through the open door. “By the way, we're boyfriend and girlfriend again. Just 'cause I said so. Let's try and do it properly this time, ok?”
You smile. Whatever's good for her is good for you. You practically skip through the door, throwing it shut behind you.
__________
...Why are you all looking at me like that? This is just a nice story written for Valentine's day. Nothing suspect here at all.
